Alien Trespass Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Alien Trespass script is here for all you fans of the Eric McCormack spoof. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Alien Trespass quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Alien Trespass Script

- At Cape Canaveral,
another probe into space.

Target: the Moon.

A 52-ton multistage rocket

combining elements of
the Thor ICBM and the Vanguard

is ready for firing.

On the planned course,
the 83-pound Pioneer space probe

would closely approach
the Moon

and would be swung into orbit
by the Moon's own gravity.

- Two...



- The vehicle roars aloft
at too steep an angle,

working more directly
against gravity than planned,

reaching over
23,000 miles an hour.

It carries
to nearly 80,000 miles,

30 times as far as ever before.

The Pioneer remains

man's most resoundingly
successful probe into space.

At last, the truth
about flying saucers.

They're real.

Just as real as Santa Claus,
that's what,

and we've got 10,000 Allentown
youngsters to back us up.

They greeted old St. Nick as he
made his first 1957 appearance.

Santa greets his greeters
with gifts and a gala party,

as is his custom.

A flying saucer carries

lots more Christmas cargo
than reindeer.

Where are the reindeer?

Why, they're back
at the North Pole, honey.

But don't you cry.

Santa is still Santa.

Christmas is still Christmas.

And kids are still kids.

Right up to the minute both
in transportation and in dress,

the first ski birds
of the season migrate

to the Bear Mountain Inn,
hopeful of snow.

There is no snow in New York,
but that's no never mind,

because the emphasis right now
is on fashions.

They're all dressed up for snow

in their White Stag ensembles
for winter sportswear,

colorful outfits that will
light up any festive occasion.

Hollywood, California.

Two titans of the movie industry
go head-to-head,

and no one wins.

World-famous movie star,
M. Eric McCormack,

known affectionately by his fans
as "Meric,"

has reached an impasse
in a contract dispute

with his long-time boss,
Louis Q. Goldstone,

head of Goldstone
International Pictures.

With production complete
on Allen Trespass,

rumored to be the greatest
science fiction movie ever made,

it appears a legal showdown
will deprive the world

of ever seeing it.

Louis Q. made the announcement

at his Hollywood studio
this week.

- It saddens me deeply
to announce

that Goldstone International
is shelving the release

of its epic sci-fi picture
Allen Trespass.

I'm ordering today
that all prints

and the negative of the film
be destroyed.

- Mr. Goldstone!
Mr. Goldstone!

- Meric, seen here in a recent
interview with Edwin R. Burrows

days before he and Goldstone
parted ways,

has described the movie
as his best acting work ever.

- Tell me about the movie.

- I'll tell you a little,

because Goldy would have
my you know what.

- And that's the news
from around the world.

- Earlier today,
I met with Dr. Ted Lewis.

He's the director of the
Bald Mountain Observatory.

- And one big gumdrop.

- Welcome, Dr. Lewis.

Tonight is the height
of the meteor showers.

The Perseid meteor showers,
is that right?

- Right.

- Doctor, would you please tell
our audience exactly

what are meteors,
and where do they come from?

- Well, they could be the debris
from comet tails,

like the Perseids,

or simply the rocks and dust
of worlds

that were destroyed long ago.

- Destroyed worlds?

You-you mean like our Earth?

- Well...


But don't worry; that's not
likely to happen to us

any time soon.

- Well, that certainly
is good news, Doctor.

What happens when meteorites-

- Stardust.

- Oh, Ted, darling, another one.

You really must see this.

It's breathtaking.

- In a minute, dear.

It doesn't peak till
2:00 in the morning anyway.

- Oh, Ted, another.


- I'm the chef
around here tonight, remember?

- Of course you are, darling.

Happy anniversary.

- Happy anniversary, Lana.

Coals ready?

- Look good.

Oh, Ted,
look at the big bright one.

- Dick.

Dick, you promised.

- Penny, please,
just be reasonable.

Now, look, we-we couldn't
possibly love each other

any more on our honeymoon,
could we?


- Nice try, Mr. Perkins.

Dick, look, a shooting star.

Quick, make a wish.

So what was your wish?

- Well.

- What is it with you guys?

- Whoa, Penny, what is that?

It's shaking around
like it's crazy.

- Oh, gosh.

That's 'cause it's coming
straight at us.

- Oh!

- Dick, it's gonna hit us.
- Oh, boy.

- Hurry, Dick,
it's getting closer.

- Come on, you piece of junk!

Oh, God!

- What on earth was that?


- Darn, I'm trying
to reach the observatory,

but there's no dial tone.

The crash must have knocked out
the lines.

- What was it, an asteroid?

- No, dear, more like
an immense meteoroid.

And right in our own backyard.

I'm going up there.

- Whoa.

- Lana, this is
a once-in-a-lifetime event.

- It's molten iron, right?

Won't it be a little
too hot up there,

like 2,700 degrees?

Why don't you let it cool down
until morning.

I'll keep you plenty warm
until then.

- Since when did you become
an expert on meteoroids?

- I learned something

in those silly classes of yours,

- Silly, huh?

Now, get out there
and check on those steaks, hmm?

- Oh, no, Ted.

- Merlin.

Hey, wake up,
you old bag of bones.

Do you see that?

That's a spaceship, old boy.

A real, live,
honest-to-goodness spaceship

from outer space, it is.

I knew it.

I knew they'd finally show up.

Yeah, I told them, the fools.

I knew they were gonna come.

I knew it.

Come here, boy.

Come here.
Come on.

Yeah, we got a spaceship
to get, huh?

Come on, come on.

Yeah, we're gonna be famous,
you and me.

- There it is.

There it is, old boy.

Okay, Merlin.

Now, how does this sound?

Greetings, space brothers
from a distant star.

Welcome to our planet.

- Ted?

- Out here, dear.

- Time for your present.

- Oh, I got it, dear.

The binoculars are wonderful.

- Your other present, darling.

- Oh, my.

- No, no, no, pinhead.

PPP is Proper Police Procedure.

PPD is an unknown DOA.

- Well, I thought
that was a PPK.

- No, PPK is what you do behind
a tree after you see a stiff.

How'd you pass the exam,

promise to fix the teacher's
parking tickets?

- Hey, easy on him, Vern,
the kid's okay.

Ain't that right, Bubba?

- Huh?

- Thank you, come again.

- Sorry, Darlene.

- Number five,
number two, dry and deadly.

Is that you, Tammy?

- I'm sorry, Sam.

- All right, so what is it
this time, huh?

Flat tire?

Sick aunt?
Men from Mars?


This has got to stop, toots.
- I'm sorry, Sam.

- Four, five, and six
are all yours, honey pie.

I'm out of here, Simone.

Bye, boys.

- Hey, Tammy, why don't
you and I go on up to the point?

- Not a chance, Vernon.

- Why not, sweetheart?

- Because you're Vernon,
Officer Vernon.

- Hey, Tammy, you've been here,
what, three years?

All that time,
I've never seen you with a guy.

- What's your point?

- Nothin'.

- I said, what's your point,

- What is the point, Lloyd?

- Well, you know.

- What?

- Drop it, Bubba.

- Right, Vern.

- Cats, did you see that thing?

Wow, it blasted
right into the butte.

It was crazy.
- See it?

It almost hit us
up at the point,

passed right over our heads.

It was unreal.

- Dick, if my father finds out
we went to the point,

he'll go ape.

- Don't sweat it, queenie,
my lips are zipped.

So what do you think it was,

- Well, we couldn't tell.

It was-it was huge
and all covered with flames.

- Hey, Vern's in there.

Maybe the egg sucker
knows something.

Let's go see.
- Yeah.

- Thank you very much.

- You're welcome.

- I'm gonna call in, Vern.

- Hey, Vern, did you hear about
that big crash up on the butte?

- It's Officer Watson to you,

- You're the police.

You're supposed to protect us.

What if it's
a secret commie rocket?

- Shouldn't you punks
be in school?

- Vern, I just called in.

Something crashed
into the butte last night,

and the chief wants us
to check it out.

- Anybody hurt?

- That's what we're supposed
to find out.

- Come on, let's go.

- Whatever you say, Chief.

You rodents stay out of trouble.

- Man, what a jerk that guy is.

- Cool it, Dickie.

It's his job to suck eggs.

So, cats, what are we
gonna do about it?

- Do about what?

- The crash, the crash.

We got to get up there.

- Sorry, Code, can't.

Freddy's Ford just got
one of them new Edsels in.

- Richard, this is
the biggest thing ever

to hit this nowhere zilch town,
and you can't?

- But it-it's only gonna be
there from 10:00-

- Dickie,
Edsels will be around forever.

This won't.

Come on, man, just up there
and back, real quick.

I mean, what could
possibly happen?

- Well, if you want to go
that bad to look that pitiful,

then okay.

- Penny, you are the queen.

- See anything?

- Nothing but rocks.

- Anything?

- More rocks close up.

- A plane crash
might still be burning, right?

- Yeah, probably.

- So would one of them rockets.

- You got me.

- Maybe it is a rocket, Vern,

from that test range
over in Nevada.

They're putting atomic bombs
on top of rockets now.

Wouldn't want to get near
one of those things.

All that radiation.

No, sir.
- Radiation?

- Yeah, I read about it.

It's a nasty way to go.

First you get real sick,

start puking up your guts,
and then blood.

Then you get hives
all over your body.

It's gross.

Little boils.

- That's enough, Barnes.

- Well, that's not all, Vern.

You know, your hair starts
to fall out.

You start bleeding
out of your nose and mouth.

Your skin gets all cracked and-

- Barnes.

- Then you die, Vern.

- Man, oh, man.

- Uh-oh.

- Back up behind those trees.

- Okay.

Cody, they're gonna see us.

- No, they won't.

- Let's just go home.

- Penny.

- You chickens go
if you want to.

- I'm going up there.

- Come on, Dickie.

This could be very, very cool.

- Uh, we'll just
wait for you here.

All right, Clyde.

- Dick, I'm scared.

- What's wrong, Penny?

- I don't know what it is.

- Come here, baby.

Penny, there's really nothing
to be scared of.

Look, we're all alone.

- No, we're not.

- Whoa, hold it right there,
Officer Barnes.

- Vern?

- You see that glow?

That's a meteor for sure.

Got that?

That's how meteors glow.

There's no crash;
there's no bodies.

Case closed.
Let's get the heck out of here.

- Uh, Vern, don't you
want to check it out?

- No, I do not.
Let's go.

That's an order.

- Dick.

I saw something in the trees
over there.

- What?
I don't see anything.

- Dick, let's just go.

- Penny, Cody's still out there.

- Dick, let's go.

- Penny, you're just imagining-

- What is it?

- I don't know, Penny.

I don't know.

- Oh, no.

Not again.

Penny, quick,
roll up your window

and lock your door.

Dick, it's on the roof!

- Oh, God!

- It's so horrible.

- Okay, I think it's gone.

- Yeah?

- Let's just get out of here.

Penny! Penny!

- What are you doing here,

- It's a free country,
Officer Watson.

- You little nosebleed.

- Officer! Cody!

- Yeah, kids?

- A monster.

We were attacked by a monster.

- A monster?

- Yeah, we were in my car
up in the trees.

And it had a big eyeball,
and it tried to kill us with a-

- A thing, like,
a big tentacle thing.

- Yeah, it was real, I swear.

- A monster, Dickie?

- Officer Watson,
you have to believe us.

- You know what I believe?

I believe your punk pranks
have gone too far this time.

- What?

- Last summer,
it was the killer with the hook.

The year before that-

- Officer, please.


- It's time
you learned your lesson.

Get in the car.
- Officer.

- Get in the car.

- Hey, watch it.

- You too, young lady.

- Not so fast, Watson.

I know my rights.

Oh, I'm-I'll get in.

I'm in. I'm in.

- I'll haul these punks in;
you drive their car.

- Okay, Vern.

- Thanks a lot, Code.

Just there and back, right?

- Really hate that guy.

- Ted, is that you?

- No.

- Not a note, nothing?

Look at you.

- You are Lana.

- And you are a mess.

- You are Ted's mate.

- Of course I am.

- Ted loves Lana.

- And Lana loves Ted.

- Hormonal polarity.

Yes, I have heard of
this phenomenon.

Odd sensation.

Call it what you will, dear.

Last night was wonderful.

Now, go clean up, get dressed,
and come to breakfast.

- You are Lana.

You must assist me.

- Really, Ted,
you can dress yourself.


And if you must go off
chasing your meteors

in the middle of the night,
next time you tell me.

I was worried half to death.

Ted, what is this?

Pocket-sized binoculars?

- No.

- Oh, Ted,
I know how to be careful.

Oh, you scientists.

Go sit down.

Breakfast is ready.

Ted I'm going to tell you
something Mother said.

She said,
"It can happen in a marriage.

"One morning you just wake up,

and there's a stranger sitting
across from you."

I told her
it was utter nonsense.

Now I'm not so sure.

Oh, Ted, are you all right?

- What is this?

- Oh, no.

Oh, dear.

Ted, you stay right there.

I'm gonna call Dr. Miller.

Darn it, the line is still out.

Ted, you must go lie down.

- What is this called?

- Salt.
It's called salt.

- Salt.

This will harm the Ghota.

You are Lana.
You must assist me.

- Oh, Ted, stop it.
You're scaring me.

- Ted wants you safe.

- How was breakfast, Chief?

- Oh, same old slop.

Anything up?

- Old man Wilson called again,
screaming about his space man.

- Was he drunk?

- Of course.

And the typewriter
needs a new ribbon.

- Paperwork, Stiles,
get used to it.

Better you than me.

In two days, I'm retired.

Case closed,
as Officer Watson likes to say.

- Ha.

Vern brought in some kids.

- Uh-huh.

Making a false report
to the police,

that's a very serious charge,
Mr. Perkins.

- We were attacked,
Chief Dawson.

We got attacked by a monster.

- Mm-hmm.

That's what it says right here,
all right,

"attacked by a monster."

- It looked like a big eyeball
with a long tentacle thing.

- Right.
- It tried to kill us.

You have to believe me.

I've never been so scared.

- I'm going to notify
your parents.

- No, please don't.

- Just give us a break,
will you?

- If I ever see any of you
in my office again,

you'll all need lawyers.

You dig me, Mr. O'Hara?
- Mm-hmm.

- Get out of here
before I change my mind.

- Ah.

Yeah, okay, Merlin.

Yeah, okay, you old hound.

Come on.
Come on.

Away you go.
Away you go.

Don't be gone long,
you old goat.

Sorry about last night,
space brothers.

Just a little bird shot.

No harm done, right?

I'll take you
to our leader today.

I promise.

I will.

- Ted, darling,
what are you doing?

- Salt.

- It's-it's under there.

You know that.

Why don't you go lie down?

- Salt will protect Lana.

You will assist me.

- Of course I'll assist you.

I'll take care of you.
- Good.

We must go.

You will drive.

- Yes, of course I'll drive.

Um, we'll go see Dr. Miller.

It's Saturday, but-

- No doctor;
the Ghota.

- The Ghota?

What Ghota?

You need to see Dr. Miller.

- I must find the Ghota
before it divides.

- You need to see the doctor.

- Ted wants you safe.

- Stop saying that.

I am safe.

Ted is not safe.

- No.

Ted is safe.

- I'm going to get Dr. Miller.

- You will not assist me?




- Oh, hey, toots, do me a favor.

Run out to the Gunderson farm
and pick me up three dozen eggs.

You got time to get out there
and back before the lunch crowd.

- Sure, Sam.

- Dr. Lewis.


- You are Tammy.

- Gosh, Dr. Lewis,

I didn't think
you remembered me.

- Ted remembers you.

- Um, uh, where are you going?

- That way.

- To the butte?

Can I give you a lift?

I'm headed that way myself.

- You were going that way.

- Oh.

Well, a girl can change
her mind, can't she?

- Yes.

Minds can be changed.

- Is something wrong?

Oh, gosh.

Gosh, I'm sorry.

I know you're married.

- Yes.

Lana is Ted's wife.

- Please, I don't mean
anything by it.

I was just trying to be...


- You will assist me?

- I'd be happy to, Dr. Lewis.

- Good.

- Ah, well, all right then.

Um, Dr. Lewis, can l-

can I call you Ted?

- My name is Urp.

- Do you want some Rolaids?

I've got some in my purse.

Dr. Lewis.

Can l-Ted.

Can I ask you
a personal question?

- Yes.

- At night, when you're
looking through a telescope,

do you ever wonder
what's out there?

I mean, what's really out there.

- I know
what is really out there.

- I suppose you do.

But I'm talking about
other worlds

and civilizations and things.

It gives me shivers
just to think about it.

- I get shivers
on Toolamane Four.

- What's that?

- It is one of seven ice planets

that orbit
the neutron star Tryxl.

- Ice planets?

You can see other planets, wow.

I never knew
you astronomers could do that.

- I have been to many planets.

My home planet is Koddhar.

It is in the Draco cluster.

- Right.

What is that thing?

- It is a biogenic
phase disruptor.

- A what?

Is that, like, some kind of gun
or something?

- Yes.

- I hope you don't hunt with it.

You don't hunt with it, do you?

- Yes.

- Well, my gosh, I never thought
you'd be the type, Dr. Lewis.

The stores are full of meat.

You don't have to go around
killing defenseless animals.

- The Ghota is not defenseless.

- Goats.
You're hunting goats.

- Ghota, not goats.

- Ghota, goats,
whatever you say, I don't care.

It's cruel.

- It is necessary.

In several of your hours,
the Ghota will divide.

If it is not stopped
before that,

it will feed
and then multiply exponentially

until Ghotas consume all life
on this planet.

- And you're here to stop it.

- Yes.

I would be called
a federal marshal in your world.

I enforce security
in this quadrant.

- Deals, deals, deals!

Come on down today
to Freddy's Ford!

Freddy's Ford, where we-

- Friends, do you have
tired blood?

- Hey, Lloyd, leave it on.

- What for?

It's all trash.

- I want to hear it.

I think maybe I got tired blood.

- No, you've got lazy blood,

There's a difference.

- If you have
that rundown feeling-

- Hey, Lloyd, I think maybe

I got that rundown feeling
all the-


- If you so much
as touch that radio again,

I'm gonna throw you
in front of the truck,

and you're gonna have
a run-over feeling, you hear me?

- Lloyd.
- "Lloyd."

- Damn, Lloyd.

What was that thing?

- I don't know.

I-I don't know.

- Where'd it go?

- Sure was ugly.

- What was that?

- I-I don't know.

- Let's get back to town.

- Well, my truck broke down

right here
in beautiful bustling Mojave,

and I've been stuck here
ever since.

I finally got
a little money saved,

and someday,
I'll move to Sausalito.

It's a very hip town,
you know.

There are a lot of artists
out there.

And maybe I'll open
an art gallery.

Gee, I sure can blabber on.

You haven't heard a word
I've said, have you?

- Yes, I have.

Your last sentence was,
"Gee, I sure can blabber on."


It's all
wishful thinking anyway,

some pipe dream.

- No.

You will move to Sausalito.

You will make art.

You will open an art gallery.

- Really?

Now, how do you know all this,
pray tell?

- Because I do.

- Whoa.

Let's change the subject, okay?

Tell me more about your Ghotas.

Do they have three eyes
and six horns?


They are unicellular amphipods

with a nucleolytic
subdermal membrane

and capable of complete
chromodynamic distortion.

- What does all that mean?

- Ghotas can
make themselves invisible.

- Invisible.

- Ghotas are not cool.

Their metabolic temperature
is 155 of your degrees.

Ghotas are an aggressive,
intelligent, and clever species.

This one disabled the plasma
injectors on my spacecraft.

I was forced to land
on your planet.

The Ghota escaped.

- So Ghotas can, uh, think?

- Yes.


Stop here.

- What?

Did you see something?

- No, I sensed it,
over there by that dwelling.

We get out here.

- We?

- You must come with me.

Ted wants you safe.

- That's sweet of Ted.

I want Tammy safe too.

- Come.

Stay behind me,

- Um, Dr. Lewis, I really don't
think we should be here.

- Stop.
Don't move.

This is not good.

- What is not good?

It's only a puddle.

Somebody spilled something,
that's all.

- Yes, a puddle.

- So why is a puddle not good?

- The Ghota has eaten.

It absorbs its prey's nutrients,

leaving only water
and metabolic residue.

- What?

- Humans are mostly water.

- Humans?

That's a person?

- It was a person.

- Oh, look at it.

That is a mud puddle.

It's not a person.

Dr. Lewis, Ted,

aren't you carrying
this Ghota thing

a little bit too far?

I mean, you're very creative,

and I think it's great
that you're rounding up

all the bad killer space goats.

- Quiet.
Stay behind me.

- Oh, this is absurd.
What for?

- Ted wants you safe.

- Oh, would you please
not talk like that?

It is beginning to bug me.

I think I've had enough
of this silly, stupid game.

- You are safe with me.

- You keep away.

- Pull over.

I got to take a whiz.

- Can't you wait
until we get to town?

- No, I can't.

Now, please pull over there
by those trees.

- Oh, you're like a child,

Now, what was that?

Don't go too far, Bubba.

You're too drunk
to find your way back.

- Don't worry about it, Lloyd.

I can handle it, I think.

- Bubba?

Are you getting sick, Bubba?

What's this mess you left here?


- Boom! Zap!

- Tommy, cut that out.

- Zap! You're dead, you creep.

- Oh, Mrs. Lewis.

- Hi, is Dr. Miller in?

- No, he's-
- Laura we've got to go.

We'll be late.

- How many times
have I told you?

We're not going to the movie.

- Well, when will he be back?
- It's not fair.

- Well, that's the price
of being a creep.

He's seen enough
of that science fiction junk.

It gives him nightmares.

- Laura, really, it's important.

When will Dr. Miller be back?

- Oh, it won't be until late.

He's gone off to Barstow.

- Barstow?

Will you tell him-

- Laura, you really bite.

- What?

Kid, you're hamburger.

- A monster is a pretty hard
thing to swallow, Dickie.

- You know, fine, Cody,
don't believe me.

- When the heck
you gonna grow up, Code?

- The monster did it, Dickie.

Dig this, cats.

Suppose your monster is real.

- It is real.
- Okay, okay.

So it's real.

My old man just got one of them
new Polaroid cameras,

you know, like,
instant pictures.

We go up there,

snap off a few shots
of your monster,

sell 'em to the newspapers,
and get rich, rich, rich.

- It almost killed us.

- So this time
we'll be ready for it.

- With what,
a paranoid camera?

- It's a Polaroid, man,

So what's it gonna be, Dickie?

This is our big chance.

Don't blow it, Clyde.

- I think it's the only way
we can prove what happened.

- I don't believe this.

- There's nothing here now.

Looks like your monster split.

- Good.
Let's go home.

- Hey, I bet the crash
and the monster are connected.


Come on, let's go up there.
- No, let's go home.

- You're nuts, Cody.

That's way too far to climb.

- Too far?
Please, Dickie.

- Cody, if Dawson ever finds out
about this-

- Don't sweat it, pal.

We'll be fine.


- What is it,
a rocket?

- Yeah.


I don't know.

But I do know
we're gonna be rich, Dickie.

Oh, yeah.
Come on, let's go.

- Cody, wait.

It could be radioactive.

- Oh, you think?

- You got your picture.

Let's just split
while we still can, okay?

- Yeah, right.

- Come on.

- You're being a brat.

- I said I don't want
to go home.

- Tommy, we're going home,
and that's it.

- No, I want to go
back to the town.



You stink.

- Just keep it up, brat,

and you won't be able
to sit for a week.

- My dad is going to fire you.

- Oh, this time, Tommy,
you are cooked.

Now, go to your room.

- No.

- You are really cruisin'
for a bruisin', kiddo.


- What is it now, Tommy?

- Laura!

- What are you doing
out of your room?

Do you want me to check
for monsters again?

- It's up there.
- You little creep.

You see all
those horrible movies,

and now you're
scared of monsters.

- The monster is up in the hall.

Laura, it's true.

- It's true.
I saw it on TV last week.

The guy even had pictures.

- I still say it's a secret jet
the air force have.

- Chief, jets don't fly
like that.

Jerking around
and then suddenly zipping away?

- I'll jerk some sense
into both of you.

What we saw out there
on the butte,

that was a meteor,
common garden-variety meteor.

Case closed.

- Mojave police, Chief Dawson.

- Uh-huh.

All right, we'll ask
around our neighborhood.

Call me if you learn anything.


- Chief?

- That was Stiles.

He found Lloyd Olson's truck

No sign of him or Bubba.

Said the doors were both open,

and the key
was still in the ignition.

Only thing around
was a couple of big puddles.

That's odd.
It hasn't rained in months.

Mojave police, Chief Dawson.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.

Who is this?

Uh-huh, Laura McBride.

What can I do for you,
Miss McBride?

A monster?

With a giant eyeball.

Look, we're kind of busy here,
Miss McBride.

All right.

Doc Miller's house.

All right,
we'll-we'll send someone out.

Yes, yes, yes, of course,
right away.

Laura McBride is having
an emergency,

a giant monster, she said.

- Laura is Susie McBride's
kid sister, isn't she?

- Mm-hmm.

- That's-

That's one classy chassis.

- Watson, you're going out
on a call, not a date.

Take Stu.

- I don't need a chaperone.

- For backup.

I don't like
what's going on today.

- Hello.

I'm Officer Vernon Watson.

What seems to be the problem?

- There's a monster
in the house.

- Really?
A big one?

- I don't know what it is.

I've never been so scared.

- Hey, aren't you
Susie McBride's kid sister?

- What?

There's something horrible
inside there.

Do something.

- How's Susie doing?

She still hanging out
with that insurance jerk?

There's a big old hairy monster!


- Vern, you okay?

- Vernon?


Vernon, this better not
be a joke.



- Hey.

Hey, you!

Is that you, Dr. Lewis?

What are you doing?




- Oh, he just walked in.

I'll tell him.

- Good news only, Stiles.

- Sorry, Chief.

Ted Lewis stole a car.

This is the license.

- Dr. Lewis
from the observatory?

- Very one.

- Lewis, huh?

See, you never know.

These eggheads, they seem
like they're one step away

from the rubber room anyway.

Bring him in.
- 10-4, Chief.

- Unit two, unit two.

- Go ahead, unit two.

- Chief, we have a PDX.

We have a PDX here.

- A PDX, Officer Barnes?

Get it right.

- A PDX.
Vern's down.

- He's down?

- Yeah, he was there,
and then there was nothing,

just-just a puddle.

- Puddle?

- Yeah, with his gun
and badge in it.

What should I do now, Chief?


- Chief?

- Sorry about Vernon, Chief.

He was a first-rate officer.

- Yeah.

- Chief, what could have
done this?

Folks are saying
it must be acid,

a psycho killer with acid.

What else could it be?

- Mojave police.
Dawson here.

Are you sure?

All right, all right.

Call me if you
see anything else.

That was Ed Sanders.

He spotted Lewis
on his property,

said the boob drove
all over a stop sign.

Oh, Sanders thinks Lewis
has some kind of weapon.

- You think it fires acid?

- Really, Barnes.

Knew I should have never
taken this job.

- What?

- Town needed a temporary chief
for three weeks

until they found a real cop.

I thought being
a dogface in the war

was enough qualification for me.

"Don't worry," they said.

"Nothing ever happens here,"
they said.

And for five years, nothing did.

And then two days before my
replacement finally takes over,

and suddenly we have monsters
and killers

and men from Mars
and God knows what else!

Just two lousy, stinkin' days.

- Where you going, Chief?

- Guess it's time to play cop.

- I'll stay here.

- Mommy!


- Betsy, what is it now?

- Mommy, there's bears out here.

They're trying to eat me.

- Remember what happened to
the little boy who cried wolf?

- But it wasn't a wolf.

It was a bear.

- What'll it be, guys?

- Coke.
- Coke.

- I'll have an RC Cola.

- Very funny, Cody.

Okay, three Cokes.

Well, you're sure
full of yourself today, mister.

- You betcha.

We're gonna be rich, Tammy.

We got a picture
of a genuine spaceship.

- A spaceship?

- Yeah, that crashed up
on the butte last night.

Got a picture of it right here.

Whoa, be careful with that.

It's worth a million bucks.

Not as good as a monster, but-

- A monster?

- A monster, Tammy.

We were attacked
by a monster this morning,

only no one will believe us.

- Wh-what did this monster
look like?

- Well, it was-it was
like a big, shimmering,

shiny balloon thing
with a big eyeball.

- Yeah, it was weird.

It was there one minute
and then gone

like it could just
become invisible.

- Oh, my God.

- Tammy, do you believe us?

- Cheese it.
It's the cops.

- Tammy, coffee.

- Chief Dawson, there's
something I have to tell you.

- Later, Tammy.

- Chief, please.

- Not now, Tammy.

- Tammy, more coffee.

- Hey, Dawson, whatever happened
to Vern Watson?

I heard he got melted by acid.

- Yeah, and I hear
Lloyd and Bubba are missing.

And what's this talk
about a monster?

- A monster, Fred?

Get real.

It's a schizophrenic,
manic-depressive psychotic.

I read all about these sickos.

I didn't know you could read.

Look, people.

Listen to me,
there are no psycho killers,

no monsters.

All we got is a couple
of unsolved disappearances,

that's all.

- That's all?


Well, that-that's a relief.

- Look, just-
just stick together.

Stay in your homes.

You see anything unusual,
you report it.

And trust me,
there's no cause for alarm.

- Well, it sounds like there's
plenty cause for alarm, Dawson.

- People, please.

- Darlene, number five,
number two, hot and sweaty.

Great speech, Dawson.

I feel so much better now.

- Give 'em to Tammy, Simone.

My shift's over.

- Tammy, get your buns
over here.

- Chief, please listen to me.

I know this will sound crazy,
but you have to listen to me.

- Well, crazy's the word
for the day.

All right, go ahead, Tammy.

- Chief, the killer is some kind
of alien creature.

It's called a Ghota.

It came from the spaceship,

you know, that crash
on the butte.

Chief Dawson, please,

this is
a very dangerous creature.

It can think.
It can hunt.

It's a born killer.

- Mm-hmm.

- All it leaves behind
is a puddle...

the victim's water.

- How'd you know about that?

- I've seen it.

- You've seen this thing?

- Well, no, no, not exactly.

Dr. Lewis told me about it.

- Well, Lewis has gone bananas.

- Actually, Dr. Lewis
is a marshal,

a federal marshal
from another...


- Another planet.

Ah, dang!

- Chief.

- You're nuts.

Lewis is nuts!

This whole town,
you're all stark raving loco!

- I want to know
what's going on.


- Sorry.


- Let's go, Henry.

We're safer outside
with the acid killer.

- Oh, no, Sam.

Where's the bag?

- It's busted.

There's a new one on order.
- Great.

- Hey, toots, would you
run up the street

and pick me up some lard,

The cheap stuff.

I'll mind the store.

- Great.


Come here, boy.

Come here.

Where's Wilson?

Merlin, what's-what's wrong?

Merlin, it's all right.

- Cody.

Code, you hear about Vern?

- Yeah, I heard.

- Jeez, Code,
your archenemy's missing.

We figured you'd be kicking
your heels up with joy.

- He sucked his last egg, right?

- Yeah, I guess.

- Hey, why don't we go
to the flicks?

Yeah, it's just what you need.

- No, you cats go ahead.

- Ah, come on, Code,
my treat.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Okay, why not?

- Come on.

- Mommy!


- What is it now, Betsy?

- There's a monster
with one big eye.

- I told you before
to stop making up stories.

Now, see what you've done?

You've gone
and scared yourself silly.

- There's a monster.

- There are no monsters.

You get inside now.

- Mommy.

- What's with you, Tammy?

You've been like that all day.

Just-just keep your mind
on your work.

- Sorry, Sam.

- Come on.

This killer thing's
getting to you, huh, toots?

Well, I think we can forget
about any dinner crowd

in here tonight.

All right, I'm going.

Sweep up the sidewalk

and straighten up in here
before you leave, will you?

- Stop right there, Dr. Lewis.

- You are Stiles.

You are a constable.

You must assist me.

- Yeah, sure, that's exactly
why I'm here, Dr. Lewis.

Is that a weapon, sir?

- Yes.

- All right, Dr. Lewis, just-
just hand me the gun, sir.

- Why?

- Because I'm asking you to.

I don't want any-
I don't want any trouble here.

Just hand it over nice and slow.

- No.

- Now, look here, Dr. Lewis.

- Officer Stiles.

Dr. Lewis.

What's going on?

- Get back inside, Tammy.

- Tammy, the Ghota is near.

I must find it
before it divides.

- Ghota?

- The monster.

We'll be overrun.

We'll all be killed.

- Monster?
What are you talking about?

- Tell him.

- Your planet will
soon be infected with Ghotas.

They will consume
all organic matter

until your world
is devoid of life.

Before it divides,
its hunger is massive.

It will seek the greatest
concentration of prey.

You are all in extreme peril.

- This is crazy.

This is crazy, Dr. Lewis.

Give me the weapon right now.

- No, Stiles, please,
you have to believe him.

- Now, look here, Dr. Lewis.

I've been on this force
for 15 years,

and I've never used
this gun yet.

Don't let this be
the first time.

Hand me the weapon.

- No.

- Dr. Lewis, please.

- I must find the Ghota.

- Dr. Lewis.

Dr. Lewis, are you hurt bad?

- I am not Dr. Lewis.

I am Urp.

I am merely indwelling
in Dr. Lewis' body.

But this body is damaged.

I must return to my ship
to repair it.

- I'll take you.

- No, I must go alone.

Be careful, Tammy.

Urp wants you safe.

There's that polarity again.


- That's called
obstruction of justice, Tammy.

You're in a tub
of trouble, girl.

Wait for me inside the diner.

Unit three.


Chief, are you there?

Ted Lewis has gone insane.

He's-he's armed and dangerous.

He escaped.

What the-

What-what's going on?

- Some blast of a day,
huh, baby?

Monster attack,
people getting slimed,


- Dick, please.

- Sorry.

The Blob.

Jeez, that's all we need
right now,

to see a monster movie.

- Come on.

Come on.

- Hello?

Anybody there?




- Mojave police.
Dawson here.

- Chief, it's Lana Lewis.

Please, you have to help me.
It's Ted.

There's something terribly wrong
with him.

- Yes, I know, Mrs. Lewis.

He's-he's stolen a vehicle
and eluded arrest.

I got my men
out looking for him.

- Listen, I think-I think he
has a head injury or something.

Please, tell your officers
not to hurt him.

- Yes, ma'am,
we'll try not to.

- You'll try?

I'm coming down there
right away.

- Mrs. Lewis, I don't think
that's a very good-


News just keeps getting better.

Lana Lewis is on her way here.

- Have you found Lewis yet?

- Stiles hasn't, but I expect
he'll call in soon.

I guess I better
look for Lewis myself.

Mrs. Lewis thinks he got hit
on the head.

I say he just flipped out.

Well, be nice to her, Barnes.

She's a little rattled.

- Yes, sir.

- Good man.

- Don't even think about it.

- I won't.

- Dick, I hate these movies.

Let's go.

- Let's see how they get
the monster.

Just another second?

- Watch this.

I'll bet they flip out
and run like sheep.

- Dick, that's the longest
second in history.

Let's go, please?
- Just another second.

- Dick, I'm feeling like I felt
in the car this morning.

- Hmm?

- When the monster attacked.

- Where would a Ghota go?

Seeking the greatest
concentration of prey.

- Dave.

David, the theater.

- They're here!
They're here!

The killers from space,
they're here!

- Do you see it?

Coast looks clear.

Let's just get out of here.

- Okay.

It's gone.

- Dick, where is it?

- Come on.

Go this way.


- It's a monster, Dickie.

- Yeah, we know that, you jerk.

- Oh, no.

Is anyone in there?

- Tammy?

Tammy, is that you?

- Penny?

- Tammy, the monster's in here.

It can disappear.
It can be anywhere.

- Yeah, we've met.

- Tammy!

It's-it's hunting us.

We keep trying to get out,
but it's blocking our path.

- Kids, stay cool.

I'll be right there.


- Tammy, hurry up.

- Stay cool, kids.

- Dick, I'm scared.

- Where was it last time
you saw it?

- There.

- Oh, there it is.

- Oh, no!

- Oh, no.

- Come on, kids, let's split.

- Oh, no!

Oh, no.
It's divided.

- Tammy, what do we do?

- Penny!

Penny, stay back.
Stay back.

Oh, no.

- Tammy is safe.

- Thank you.

- Wow, man, you killed it.

- Stop.
Don't touch it.

It's not dead.
- What?

It's not dead?

- No, they're merely in stasis.

We must take them back
to my ship before they revive.

Get those curtains
from the door.

We'll wrap the Ghotas in them.

- I'll get my truck.

- That was close.

- Ted?


- We must go.

- Don't you think I'd better-

- Now.
- Dr. Lewis.

Hold it right there.

- Ted!

- Hold it right there, sir.

- Ted!

- Dr. Lewis.

- Oh!

- In the name of the law,
do not move that truck.

- Ted! Ted!

- Barnes, what's going on?

- It's Lewis, Chief.

He's kidnapped Tammy.

- That's not true.
He's just-

- If you know something, kid,
you better tell me fast.

Now, where'd they go?

- To the drive-in.

- Don't mess with me, O'Hara.

Where'd they go?

- They went to the butte.

To the meteor crash,
I know it.

That's where this all
got started.

- All right, Barnes,
you radio Stiles.

- I think Stiles is dead, Chief.

A puddle just like Vern.

They found his car parked
near the diner.

- Good Lord.

All right, you, you,
and you, Frank,

you're all deputized.

Get your rifles,
and you follow me.

- Yes, Chief.
- Dawson!

It's Ted.

Don't you dare hurt him;
you hear me?

- Mrs. Lewis, this is
official police business.

Now, get in the car!

- No.

- Just do it.

- Well, come on, cats,
let's go.

- Jeez.

Slow down, will you?

- This is not good.

- Oh, please, no more not good.

- He's driving like a maniac.

- Oh, Dawson.

- We'll catch him, all right.

Barnes, is your revolver loaded?
- Dawson!

- There!

Turn here through that tunnel.

- But my ship is ahead.

- Turn here.

This is a shortcut to the butte.

- Be calm.

It is still in stasis.

Move your vehicle away.

They'll be here soon.

- Urp.


- Barnes, watch this side.

- They're here.


- Tammy, get back.

- I will not.

What are you gonna do,
shoot him?

And for what?

- For murdering
half a dozen people.

- He didn't do it, Chief.

The Ghota did.

His name is Urp.

- No, it's not.

That's my husband, Ted.

He's not well.

- No, it's Urp.

He's borrowed Ted's body.

He captured the Ghota.

He saved us.

He saved the whole Earth.

All he wants is a few hours
to repair his ship

and leave in peace.

- Tammy, I'll shoot
if I have to.

Now, get out of the way.

This is police business.

- It is our business,
Dawson, ours,

all of us,

This traveler from another world
spared us

from an unspeakable catastrophe.

We don't just live on a planet.

We live in a universe,
a big universe,

and it's filled with ice planets
and spaceships

and-and worlds
with other beings like Urp.

It's a place of unimaginable
beauty and wonder.

And it's there
for us to explore.

So what are we gonna do,

stay cooped up
in our little towns

and our little lives

and end up as small, frightened
puddles of our own making?

Please, don't make this
any worse, Chief Dawson.

Let him repair his ship
and leave.

- All right, Marshal Urp.

I'll let you off this time
with a warning.

Fix your spaceship and...

keep your goats off our planet;
you got that?

- We apologize
for this trespass.

We had feared landing on Earth

our intelligence indicated

that you were a pathetically
primitive life-form.

But I have seen
that you are more than this.

You possess determination,

and uncommon courage.

You will need these qualities
to survive the dangers

that await and challenge
an awakening world.

This spaceship will depart
at sunrise.

Be advised to stand clear.

- Urp.

- Urp thanks you
for your assistance.

- Will l-

Will I ever see you again?

- That is unknowable.

- I'll miss you.

- Urp will miss Tammy.


Urp would seek
this polarity with you

if Urp was a human.

But I still
do not understand it.

Good-bye, Tammy.

I have a long journey to make.

- So do I.

Good-bye, Urp.

- Ted?

- I am not Ted.

Ted will be returned

- Ted?

- Lana?

Where are we?

- Oh.
Oh, Ted.

Thank goodness.

- I had a pipe.

- You okay, Dr. Lewis?

- Yes, I think so.

- Good.

Good, just try not to steal
any more cars, okay?

- What happened?

All I remember
was that I was here,

and now I'm here.

What on Earth am I wearing?

- I'll tell you all about it,


- Hey, Code,
why the long face?

- Can you dig this, cats?

I didn't even bring the camera.

No one will ever believe it.

- What's it matter, Code?

We're alive, and we've had
the adventure of a lifetime.

Special thanks to SergeiK.