An American Carol Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the An American Carol script is here for all you fans of the David Zucker movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some An American Carol quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

An American Carol Script

1, 2, 3...

Hi, Grandpa!


Grandpa, over here!

- Hey, hey, hey!
- Grandpa!

Everybody now, happy Fourth of July!

Thanks, Grandpa!

That's it, go ahead, kids.

Dig in. I made 'em myself.

- Bleh!
- Blech!

Pretty good.
How's that taste there, Timmy?

Uh, I'm not really hungry right now.

Why don't you tell us a story?

- Yeah! One of your great stories!
- Yeah, one of your stories!

All right, how about the one
that you kids always love?

- The, uh... the story of Scrooge.
- Scrooge?!

- The guy who hated Christmas?
- That's dumb.

Well, uh, sort of, but this Scrooge
hated the Fourth of July.

Why does he hate the Fourth of July?

Well, uh, the story begins
high on a mountaintop,

far away in Afghanistan.

- Mohammed?
- Yes, sir?

Quiet! Calm down!

- They're all named Mohammed, sir.
- Yes, of course.

I must remember to use last names.

- Hussein!
- Yes, sir?

For God's sake, you!

- Is that your brother?
- Hussein?

Why is he voting?

It's not his fault.
He is the campaign manager.

- What? For who?
- Mohammed Hussein.

- Yes, sir!
- Quiet!

All right, everyone.

Well, who's going to be the first?

I am.

Ah, very good. Very good.
And what is your name, young man?

- Mu...
- Forget it. Mount up.

- Allahu Akbar.
- What exactly did I volunteer for?

Messenger duty.
Excellent pay.

But, sir, this bicycle...

- What's wrong?
- Well, it's kind of rickety.

I don't know if it can
get back up the hill.

I wouldn't worry about that.

- Maybe if I take some bombs off...
- No, no, no.

It is a part of the uniform.

And it doesn't seem
to have any brakes.

It's OK.
Allah will stop you.

Of course.

Oh, yeah, Allah will stop me.


You! Go get him.

I found the problem, sir!

This idiot forgot to pull the firing...

Don't you see?

We have at least destroyed
an infidel's car.

That was my car.

What's going on here?

What are you people doing?

Why are you voting
in this infidel election?

Because we want democracy,

freedom, elect a president
who will be accountable.

Enough! Mohammed, take care of him!

Mohammed, what in the name
of Allah are you doing?

I'm not voting for president. But I feel
strongly about Proposition 12.

A marriage should be
between a man and a woman.

Or between a man
and a really good-looking man.

- Shut up.
- This is what you vote for?

That and immigration.
We need a guest worker program

so that the Mexicans can do the job
the Taliban won't.

These Western ideas are dangerous.

We must resist them at every turn.

Leader, we're not strong anymore.

Since the Americans came,
people have hope.

- They are voting, woman own businesses.
- Yes, it is getting harder

to find suicide bombers,
and all the good ones are gone.

Sir, I think we might need
a new recruitment video.

Look, ours...

it looks, you know, cheap.

This video will teach you.

Here are Ahmed and Ahman.

They may be brothers,
but they couldn't be more different.

Ahmed knows punctuality is important.

He's sure to leave plenty of time
to get to his bombing site.

Ahman leaves
everything to the last minute.

Oh, shit!

Ahmed double checks
the address of the site

so there are no mistakes.

Ahman doesn't.

2518, 2519...


Ahmed dresses properly,

wearing clothing that is loose enough
to hide his explosives.

Ahman dresses inappropriately.

You are right.
It is awful.

If I may suggest, sir,

what we need is
a real Hollywood director to help us.

But he must hate America.

This won't be hard to find in
Hollywood. They all hate America.

Yes, but your average, girly-man
Hollywood director won't be enough.

What we need is someone
who really, really hates America.

Is the camera on?
OK, action. Ahem.

I am on the island
paradise, Cuba,

where there's a hospital
on every block.

As we can see, Cubans have the very best
health care in the world.

Not like America,
where it can kill you.

I've got two Americans here,
Bob and Joan Friedman,

injured during Hurricane Katrina,
caused by you know who.

But haven't been able
to get an American doctor

to pay a house call to their
gated community in Shaker Heights.

- Another mojito!
- Why? Because we're spending money

on military buildup
for this phony war on terror.

Doctor, we just want the same care
you give your own people.

OK, then get in line.

Oh, oh! Comrades!

- End of the line, gringo!
- No skipping!

Cuba is famous for its
free prescription drug plan.

What do you have for me?

- Take these.
- OK.

These are breath mints.

Sí, señor. Take two.

OK, pal, there ya go.

Free. That'll make you feel better.

There you go.

Free. You know, in America,
that'd cost an arm and a leg.

- Aw, jeez. Dude.
- Sorry.

That's OK, Paco, you'll be
back on your feet in no time.

- Cuba. More...
- Ready...

- than the jewel...
- Aim...

- of the Caribbean.
- Fire!

- A country that cares for its citizens.
- Finally, we can move up!

God! This is paradise!

I gotta get back, but I can be
assured that my American friends

are in good hands
in the Cuban health care system.

It's time for me to leave

and say goodbye
to all my little brown friends.

And it's off to America.


He's going to America!

He said America!

- Take me!
- Take me!

I do want to say...

Get out! Get out!

So many people wanted
to thank me, they rushed the boat.

These people know how bad
it's gotten in America.

Well, I guess they wanted me to spread
the word about what a paradise Cuba is.

Off my boat!


He thought
everybody loved his movies.

- Did they?
- No!

Nobody loves documentaries.
But people do find them restful.

Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you for that
great New York reception.

But as important as this movie is,

even more important is
the largest peace demonstration

the world has ever known.

This Sunday,
we're gonna abolish July 4th.

Why did he hate Fourth of July?

It was America's birthday
party and he wasn't invited.

Grandpa, get back to the story!

We're sending packages to soldiers
for the Fourth of July.

They're far from their home,
away from their families.

They shouldn't be. Shouldn't you
be in a tent somewhere, tyin' knots?

Oh, ho, now, this is more like it!
There ya go.

I'll take three chocolate mints,
three fudge...

Oh, merit badges.
What are those for?

Well, this is for making
a safety display.

This one's for camping,
and this is a good manners badge.

For being respectful
to a fat, ignorant,

traitorous sack of shit.


- Grandpa!
- I heard you!

Oh, what? I didn't say that.

I said, uh...

Fat, ignorant, America-hating traitor.

- You did say that.
- No, I didn't.

The spirit is back.

We are on a roll, people.
This rally will be historic.

- Most important since Nixon.
- Nixon?

Total dork president
from around the Civil War.

All the most important
progressive organizations

will be represented. Jane?

So far, People
For The Anti-American Way,

Vegans Against Fur,
Man-boy Love Boat,

Potawamie Casino,
Church of Entitlement,

- and, um...
- And?

And... it's still early.

The rally's Sunday!

Don't worry, we'll get more.

We're not shaving till
they bring the troops home.

- Thank you, boys.
- They're women.


Like all of us.

We have to ban military recruiters
from college campuses. They interfere...

Excuse me.

Are you here to join
Sailors Against War?

No, uh, I think all sailors
are against war,

but sometimes we have to fight.

Soldiers Against Guns?

No. Those guns come in handy
when we do fight.

The Don't Ask, Don't Tell Brigade?

No, uh, please.

I'm just here looking for my uncle.
His name is...

- Uncle Michael, hey.
- Josh?

Hey. This is my... nephew.

Josh. He's, uh...

What are you doin' here?

I came here to invite you
to our Fourth of July barbecue,

like I do every year.

Well, that's very nice of you... again,
but I'm a little busy here.

"Abolish July 4th." Are you kidding?

This is no joke.
Why should I celebrate a country

that's caused oppression and terror
all over the world?

Is that how he felt?

He was a war hero.
P. T. 109.

He would've come around.
If he were alive today,

this Sunday, he'd be
marchin' with us in solidarity.

Uncle Michael, I realize
how strongly you feel,

but Lily and I just...

We won't be going too late.

A lot of our guests are going
to the Trace Adkins concert.

- Who's Trace Adkins?
- I'm good.

He's a big country music star.

Maybe not in New York,
but in the rest of the country.

Country music doesn't speak to me.

Not just because the music's awful
or the lyrics are stupid,

or everybody dresses like that cowboy
from the Village People.

- How's little Billy?
- Timmy.

Not very well, I'm afraid,
but he's got great spirit.

- He'd love to see you.
- Well, maybe I'll stop by next week.

It'll probably be too late.

- Oh, little Jimmy.
- Timmy.

No. He'll probably
still be around, but...

I'm shipping out to
the Persian Gulf Sunday night.

Well, can't you get out of it?

I want to go. It's my duty.

I don't get it.
How can you be related to me?

Mr. Malone, your 1:00 is here
with people from Abolish The Military.

Well, I guess I got some work to do.

Well, you're invited
in case you change your mind.

Right. Sure.

Uncle Michael, I came
here in good spirits,

and I don't want to let
anything change that.

Happy Fourth of July, everyone,
and God bless America!

Grandpa, get back to the story!

I've never left it.

I'm meeting my agent, Todd Grosslight.

Oh, yes.

I'm sorry, sir, but gentlemen
are required to wear a jacket.

Look, don't you know who I am?

I'm Michael Malone.

Well, then perhaps a shower as well.

What the hell? I didn't make
the top 10? That's impossible!

Apparently, the people who like
your movies don't actually go to movies.

No one wants to see Americans
screwed by foreigners, except in porn.

I haven't done porn in years!

- Anyway, I'm an Oscar-winning director.
- For a documentary. Come on.

I know that.

I gotta do a feature like John Ford.

That man was a true filmmaker.

The sweeping vision, the amazing
panoramas of Monument Valley.

And soldiers were good guys.

But you're leading
a demonstration against our troops.

Oh, right, on the Fourth of July.

- It's not against the troops.
- Oh, save it for your crazies.

Look, Mikey,

this is a fickle town.

See the maitre d' over there, huh?

Used to be recurring on Seinfeld.

Hey, call me.

Now, what is this feature
you have in mind?

It's a powerful drama about oppressed
people adrift in a world gone mad.


It's anti-everything-America-stands-for
without being anti-American.


Fascist America?
Comedy, right?

Did you bathe today?


And now,
live from New York City,

it's the MooveAlong. Org Film Awards,

hosted by Paris Hilton and Simon Rex.

And now, here are your hosts,

Paris Hilton and Simon Rex.

We are gathered here tonight
because we all share the same goals:

Redistribution of wealth,
freedom from the chains of materialism,

and, of course, ending world hunger.

Finally. I'm starving.

It's our pleasure to present
the most prestigious honor

in documentary film,
the Leni Riefenstahl Award.

As Germany's most famous
documentary filmmaker,

Leni Riefenstahl
celebrated the incredible rise

of Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler,

becoming a tireless promoter
of his campaign for change.

Her pioneering use
of the wide-angle lens

to capture the scope
of massive formations

paved the way for
generations of filmmakers.

Through the creative
manipulation of truth,

she was able to influence history,
demonstrating the power of film.

Although resulting
in the death of over 60 million people,

her place in any cinematic
hall of fame is secure.

And this year's award
for best documentary director goes to...

Michael Malone for
Die, You American Pigs.

This is Michael Malone's
third Moove Along award.

He previously won for his documentaries
Shame On You, America,

- and America Sucks A Big One.
- Oh, OK.

Hey. I try to tell the truth
in my films, and I get attacked...

But I'm gonna continue...


What is that?

Get my good side.

That concludes the non-televised
portion of the show.

And now the highlight of the evening:

Best Feature Film Director.

And the award goes to...

George Mulrooney!

For That McCarthy Sure Was Bad.

The heroic story
of newscaster

Edward R. Murrow, who half a century
ago took on a drunken U.S. senator

who accused people
of being communists.

This is Mulrooney's
19th Moove Along Award

to go with his 11 Oscars, 9 Emmys,
and two Super Bowl rings.

Thank you. I... I dedicate this award

to all the courageous filmmakers

who take on tough issues

like McCarthyism,
even though it no longer exists,

or like slavery or Nazism,
even though they ended, too.

But you know, evil exists today.
Like, well, Islamic terrorism.

But like I'm gonna
make that movie, right?

Like I want to get beheaded.

- Thank you!
- George! Over here!



Wow. Mulrooney's so hot.

Excuse us, Director Michael Malone.

I am Ahmed, and this is
my comrade Mohammed.

Nice to meet you.

Wait, no. We want you to direct a movie
to inspire the final jihad.

Oh, thanks, fellas, great idea,
but I'm only doin' big-budget features.

How big of a budget would you need?

A feature? 10 million minimum.

Call me when you sold enough falafel.

Ahmed, Mohammed.

Who are you?

It's me.


- What are you doing here?
- We have a more important mission.

- But the movie.
- It can wait.

This will be the most spectacular attack
on the infidels ever.

But we need to find someone important
with the right connections.

I'm directing
Mulrooney's next picture.

- Someone like that.
- Director Akbar?

Yes. What will it take
to get him to cooperate?

$10 million.

Well, the opium crop
is very good this year.

Money will be no problem.

Allahu Akbar.

So I said to Spielberg,
Steve, you can't...

Ooh, crab cakes.

Say, want to go to Clint's
party with me?

Director Akbar!

- We have glorious news for you...
- George! George!

We have 10 million.

Must have been a good opium
crop this year. George, over here.

- 10 million U.S. dollars, cash.
- Cash? Right!

- Good! So you'll do it.
- Yeah, right.

Have your people contact my people.

I bet she would look great in a burka.

Now, Entertainment Tonight

takes you behind the scenes
to discover where are they now?

We're going to find out
whatever happened to Michael Malone,

the beefy filmmaker who's trying to get

a new movie off the ground,
a feature.

After the news that
his latest movie tanked...

- What?!
- Who is gonna bankroll that?

This past Tuesday,
we finally tracked down

Clyde the orangutan...

- Are you sure you have $10 million?
- Absolutely.

Then why'd you come to me?

We heard you're a big, fat liar.

Sorry. My friend is not detonating
on all cylinders.

He meant, your movies
are filled with big, fat lies.

It's OK. They're documentaries.
They don't have to be true.

Look, I love America.

That's why it needs to be destroyed,
so it'll come to its senses.

Right. Well, anyway,
we need your help.

No matter how many people we kill,

we cannot get rid of the Americans.

We need a movie that shows
we are winning.

Even though we're not.

Director Akbar, we already have an idea.

It's a traditional Taliban love story.

Boy meets girl, boy falls in love
with girl, boy cuts girl's head off.


Happy ending. He preserves his honor.

Look, guys, I'm not gonna do a movie
about homicidal psychopaths

who cut people's heads off.

I'll do it, but it's gonna be my script.

Dramatic story about
how one courageous man

took on the system
and exposed America's evil.

Like Hannah Montana. Wait!

Thank you.

You gonna finish that?

Wait. He's going to work
for terrorists?

- It's looking that way, isn't it?
- Doesn't that make him a terrorist?

No, silly.
That just makes him a total idiot.

...first-place tie.

John F. Kennedy,
35th president of the United States,

cut down by an assassin's bullet.

The tears were not only for a president,
but for what he stood for,

the causes he held dear.

Let us never
negotiate out of fear,

- but let us never fear to negotiate.
- My hero. A man of peace.

If only you were president now.


If I were president, what?

You said that I was a hero,
a true peacemaker.

You can't be here!

You're dead!

- You must redeem yourself.
- How'd you do that?

This is the greatest country
in history,

and you have slandered it
all over the globe.

I was tryin' to be like you.
You wouldn't have gone into Vietnam.

- Who told you that?
- Oliver Stone. In his movie.

Oh, brother! Did you
ever read my inaugural address?

Of course! "Ask not what
your country can do for you.

Ask what..."

Not that part.
The part about going to war.

- There was a war part?
- Oh, brother.

Let every nation know,

whether they wish us well or ill,

that we shall pay any price,

bear any burden...

Meet any hardship, support any friend,

oppose any foe, to assure the survival

and the success of liberty.

Uh, thanks, folks.

I didn't know about the war part.

What do you think that meant?
Draft another 8 U.N. resolutions?

You sound like Reagan.

Thank you.
You're not gonna eat that, are you?

OK, look, you will be
visited by three spirits.

Listen to them.

Learn from them.

Oh, yeah.

The spirits are gonna come scare me,
and I'm gonna be born again, right?

What a douchebag.

Hey, wait!

Hey, when are these spirits

What a nightmare.

I'm gonna be late!

He rushed
to Columbia University

to lead a demonstration
against the troops.

- What's a demonstration?
- Well, in this case,

it's when students show how much they
don't know by repeating it loudly.

Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!

Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!
Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!

Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!

Peace, yes! Recruiters, no!

Peace, yes, recruiters, no!

There is nothing more important
than stopping war!

No more wars! No more wars!

Because instead of fighting,
we should talk to our enemies!

Talk, don't fight! Talk, don't fight!

Right! Right! Don't believe
the government lies!

Don't believe lies! Don't believe lies!

Good... good.
That's good chanting. Good.

There is no terrorist threat!
The government just wants to...

The government just wants!
The government just wants!

That doesn't make any sense.
Please hang on a second. Please, OK?

The government is exaggerating
the terrorist threat

for its own nefarious purposes!

What does nefarious mean?
What does nefarious mean?

Well, you know, it means...
just hang on a second.

Can we just stop chanting, please?

- Stop, don't chant! Stop, don't...
- Will you shut up?!

Just shut up for a second!

OK, uh... can we just try
to listen for a minute

without the chanting?

OK, we have to stop...

Hey! Free history term papers!

Ooh, thanks a lot.

That got a little wild.

Hey, who are you?
Army recruitin' senior citizens?


That's "Hey, sir", maggot.
I am General George S. Patton.

That explains the slapping.

You're General George Patton,
from the movie?

No. From the United States Army,
back when this country was winning wars.

Oh, my God, JFK.

"You will be visited by three..."
Hey! What's with all the slapping?

It's my trademark.

Well, maybe you ought
to try a baseball cap.

No more war!

No more war!

No more war!

- Hey, where am I?
- No more war!

We pledge ourselves!

We will not support the United States
in any war!

Right on, sister.

- So, what's goin' on here?
- Damn peace demonstration.

Just like yours, only this is 1940.
They don't want us to fight Hitler.

- So they can't see us.
- Right.


This is gonna be harder than I thought.

I'm startin' to notice a pattern here.

- Anyway, this never happened!
- This absolutely happened.

Well, they're pacifists. They understand
war doesn't solve problems.

The only way is to sign
agreements like civilized people,

- not like sadistic movie generals.
- That general you saw was an actor!

I'll show you what
the real Patton was up against!

OK, where are we now?
Who's the guy dressed as a butler?

Germany, September, 1938.

That's Neville Chamberlain,
weak-assed prime minister of England.

Shh. He's gettin' a signed agreement.

Right. This gives you
all the Sudetenland,

Austria, and a couple countries
I can't pronounce.

And we'll throw in Czechoslovakia.

So that's C A, no. T...

Let's make it Poland.

The important thing is we now have hope.

See? He stands for what's important.

Does that look like standing to you?

- There. How's that?
- You missed a spot.

Hey! Don't you see these guys
are playin' you for a fool?

- War is not the answer.
- You wimpy little bastard!

You're givin' this Nazi everything
and gettin' nothin' in return!

Not nothing. We get peace.

And a damn fine cup of tea.

Und we'll name
a concentration camp after you.

Think of it...
Camp Auschwitz Chamberlain.


Hang on. I'm good at this.

Mr. Herr President,

obviously America's done
something wrong to make you

want to invade these countries
and kill innocent people.

- I'm just as frustrated as you.
- Excuse me, Fuhrer...

May I have a word?

Hang on. America keeps doing things
to piss off the rest of the world.

We bring it on ourselves.

What do we do to address
your understandable grievances?

How about carbon emission credits?

That'll offset your need to invade

I don't know,
but I been told,

kill some Jews and take their gold.

Third floor. Right. Sorry.

They really should add flying
to the things we can do.

My point is talking to evil dictators
gets you nothing.

You know one thing they understand?

I'm guessing some sort
of physical violence.

- Strength. That's the only thing.
- Right. I'll remember that.

Is there anything you think
is worth fighting for?

Well, I'd kill to do a feature.
Now, can we please just go home?

Sure thing. Right home.

And support the imperialist
big business tobacco lobby? Never.

It's Cuban.

Hmm... I guess I can make an exception.

Takes me back.

What the hell is this?

- Your home. Maloneville, Alabama.
- I live in Alabama?

Didn't you hear? Around 1860,
all the good jobs started to move south.

- After the Civil War?
- There was no war.

Lincoln agreed with you.
War was not the answer.

- Saved 600,000 American lives.
- Well, that's good.

Good move for the economy here, too.

- What? Why?
- Cheap labor.

Mass'a Malone! Mass'a Malone!

I had the boys polish your trophies
like you told us.

Polish my trophies?

I ain't know they
gave awards for a documentary.

You know, for your information...
Wait! Who are these people?

You're the biggest
slave owner in the state.

Mass'a Malone, you ain't recognized me?

I's Rastus.

What? Oh, this can't be happening.

Hey, isn't that...

Yeah, that's him, all right.

Don't you worry, mass'a Malone.

We got them bacon stains
out of the upholstery.

It's a good thing ol' Mr. Lincoln
never fought no wars.

.. look, uh, Rastus,
you know this isn't real, right?

Whatever you say, mass'a.
Whatever you say, I guess this old ni...

No! Don't! Stop! Don't say that.

Mass'a Malone!
Mass'a Malone! Good news!

Productivity is through the roof since
you sold Daddy and the old folks!

Now we can buy us
about 20 new bucks

and start pickin' some cotton!

Rastus, tell me, how does old
mass'a Malone treat his slaves?

Mass'a Malone is the bestest,

most kindliest mass'a
a slave could have.

Oh, he don't beat us
unless we awful bad.

And he don't sell the li'I children
until they 6 months old.

No, no, no! I...

Mass'a, don't beat me! I ain't healed
from the beatin' you gave me yesterday!

No, I wasn't gonna be...
Can you make them stop?

Look, here, y'all!

Mass'a don't want to hear slave shit!
Kick somethin' into 4l4!

1, 2, 3, 4.

I gotta get out of here!

All right, mass'a leavin'.
Everybody wave goodbye.

- Hope you can buy some more of us.
- We sure could use a baritone.

Bye, Daddy.

Bye, Daddy!

- Bye, Daddy!
- Bye, Daddy!

- Aw, that was sick.
- Not as sick as slavery.

Lincoln is revered now
for fighting that war.

Hey, you would know.

Those rumors about Lincoln bein' gay.

Why don't I just shoot you now?

Well, maybe he just had
a wide stance.

Hang on. I gotta take this. Hello!

Michael? Where are you?

- Oh, I'm in, uh, D.C.
- Yeah, right. Wherever you are,

you're supposed to be
at Columbia in the morning.

I know. Of course.

Jane... Hello? Hello? Jane?

- Damn cell phones.
- Here. Use mine.

But do your minutes roll over
to the next month?

Course they do.

- But do you get unlimited texting?
- You think I was born yesterday?

Your people.

Yep, the students love me.

Love you? They don't even know you.

You're unique.

A liberal director
who can't even get laid

at the University
Peace Studies Department.

- They flock to my movies.
- They flock to slasher movies.

They go to your movies
'cause professors tell them to.

This is where they get information
to support the peace movement.

- It's called education.
- It's called indoctrination.

The American flag is a symbol
of oppression all over the world.

July 4th is a despicable celebration.

I know that look.
You're gonna try to teach me somethin'.

Where we gonna go now, back in time?

We don't have to. We're at a university.

Two, three, four.

Are you kidding? A musical number?

A little entertainment.

What kind of a soldier are you?

Startin' to understand
the boots and the whip.

Hey, what are you doin' with our kids?

What do your parents
think you're doin' here?

They're just happy to
have us out of the house.

Wanna hear what you're
spending your life savings on?

- I gave up an ass lift for this?
- Take a look!

- So, what do you think now?
- I'm still against torture.

OK, so they're
a little behind the times.

It doesn't make it OK for you to
embarrass those great professors.

Doin' a good job
of that themselves.

They're only tryin'
to bring peace.

By indoctrinating an entire generation
to hate its own country.

Well, they teach math, too.

When was it in your life
that you went so completely wrong?

Was it in college?

Before that?

Was it a girl?

- Michael!
- Molly!

Molly, I'm off to save the world,
but I'll be back.

Oh, Michael, war is
such a terrible thing.

I know, Molly.

That's why I'm going off
to film school.

Film school?

Yes. No sacrifice too great.

You'll wait for me of course?

Sure. Or course.

Take your time.

But she didn't wait, did she?

She tried, but I was gone so long.

Long? You were kicked out
in the first semester.


- Molly.
- Marty!

Oh, my God!

This can't be happening!

My best friend?

We fell in love while you were gone.

No! I mean, he's in the army!

How terrible! You got drafted!

No, Michael. I enlisted.

I want to serve my country.

How could you want to serve
the corrupt American war machine?

- Molly.
- Marty.

I just love men in uniform.

Oh, shoot.

You know, that uniform
always worked for me, too.

So, you remember what happened next.

Yeah, my first film.
A daring expose on something...

She did the astronaut, too?

And the entire crew of the shuttle.

Well, general, enjoyed this
cruel little side trip, thank you,

but I have an interview in 20 minutes.

Don't worry, kid.

Things are gonna get a lot worse.

The demonstration is outside
the Madison Square Garden.

We need to get into artists' entrance
where there are no metal detectors.

Well, for that, we will need
all-access media passes.


You must get these from director Malone.

He can get them.
He's a documentary filmmaker.

Wait. You got us
a documentary filmmaker?

Yes, but, leader,
he gets to go everywhere

so he can document his hate of America.

Where would they give all-access passes
to someone like that?

- America!
- America!

- Ahmed? Mohammed?
- Oh, uh, director Akbar.

- What are you doin' here?
- We are here to watch your interview.

- And talk about the movie.
- Oh, yeah.

Who's Mister Happy?

Oh, him? Aziz is an actor.

Well, he's also our contact
to the foreign investors.

.. Aziz, my man.
Wonderful to meet you.

You know, for financing a movie, you can
get an associate producer credit.

Oh, holdin' out for executive producer.
Too clever for me.

You must have been killer sellin' rugs.

OK, we'll negotiate.

How about joinin' me
for the interview?

- No, no, no, he can't be on TV.
- I am here illegally.

Mohammed and Ahmed have visas,
but I could not.

Yes, he was on some kind of list.

I came through Mexico...
with some friends.

Great, great.

Good thing that fence isn't up yet.

This country was built by immigrants.

No matter. We'll get you
a nice cameo in the movie.

Have to shave, though.
You look like a terrorist.

Help me! I'm on fire!


Hey, a bomb went off!

So what's the next step?
Financing in place?


But before the money is committed,

I'll need media passes
to your demonstration.

Media passes?

Well, uh, he wants to hear
the great director speak.

Oh, yes, all right.
We can arrange that.

Be good to have you there,
show that everybody's against violence.

Especially jihadists.


We need to treat all cultures equally.

Everyone is equal.

Oh, damn. A thread.
Right before the interview.

Allow me.

Oh, thanks there, Ali Baba.

Hi. I'm Bill O'Reilly.
Thanks for watching.

Tonight's special segment is July 4th.

Now, most folks will be celebrating
by going to a barbecue,

a parade, or here in New York City,

to a Madison Square Garden
country music concert for the troops.

But my guests tonight
have different plans.

Michael Malone is
planning a demonstration

- to abolish the Fourth of July.
- Hi, Bill.

And there are always fireworks with
TV personality Rosie O'Connell.

Good to be here, Bill.

Rosie's gonna show us a clip from her
documentary, but first, Mr. Malone,

you're demonstrating against
the troops on Independence Day?

Come on.

It's not against the troops.
It's against...

Look, we support the troops.
We just don't want them to kill anyone.

What? Don't you realize
that these troops

are the only ones standing between
radical Islam and innocent people?

Bill, there you go.

You think all terrorists
are radical Islamists.

That's profiling.

Radical Christianity
is as threatening as radical Islam.

- I don't think she means...
- It's exactly what I mean!

You can't be serious.

I'm serious and Michael agrees with me.
Let's roll the clip.

All right, roll it.

The civilized
world braces itself

for an onslaught of
death and destruction

brought on by radical Christians

as they attempt to spread their ideology
through terror throughout the world.

Praise Jesus!

Hail Mary full of grace!

Look out! It's those Christians!

72 virgins, here I come!

We all pay the price

for the increased security needs
caused by the actions

of radical Christians.

I hate having to take these off
every time.

Yeah. Ever since
that Christian hid explosives

in the bottom of his shoes.

You can't take this on.
I'll have to confiscate it.


No liquids since the Christians
tried to bomb that plane

with smuggled nitroglycerine
and let me take this as well.

- Please remove all underclothing.
- Oh, brother.

- Ever since the underwear bomber.
- The Christian underwear bomber.

All items of underclothing
must be placed in the trays.

Damn those Christians.

- Yipes!
- My God!

If you add extra bleach,
you might get those stains out.

- Hey!
- Have you considered a change in diet?

- What?
- Honey? Wouldn't hurt.

Ever since the suppository bomber...

The Episcopal suppository bomber.

That's not a documentary.
That's The Flintstones.

Bill, using reenactments to prove points
is a sign of a great documentary.

That's what we do. Right, Michael?

Bill, you wouldn't get that,
because you're a close-minded bigot!

Actually, Rosie, I'm thinkin'
your masterpiece may win some awards.

Let's start it off with enshrining you
in the Pinhead Hall of Fame.

Keep it up, Bill.

We wouldn't be at war at all
if we didn't overreact

to that phony 9l11 attack.

You can't be serious.
I rest my case.

Can we talk about
the Anti-War demonstration?

You think those towers were brought down
by planes? No, explosives.

- Malone.
- That's simply idiotic. No sane...

It's the first time
fire ever melted steel!

Rosie, I've heard that claim.
It's only made by complete morons.

Now, Bill, our demonstration...

Don't call me names.
We weren't even invaded by a nation!

She's a little far out.

Here's a news flash for you, Malone.

Your movies may not be
as crazy as Rosie's,

but yours are more dangerous because
some idiots believe what you say.

Because I tell the truth!

Because you tell the audience
what it wants to hear.

At least nobody believes Rosie.

You didn't even believe
that Elvis is still alive.

Or that we never landed on the Moon.

I'm gonna take both and
put 'em into my next documentary.

Well, that concludes this look
at the moderate left.

Next week, we'll be looking at
the crazies who populate the fringe.

Mr. Malone?

Mr. Malone?

Mr. Malone?

Grandpa? Grandpa!


A Mr. Mohammed called.

Something about not being
late for rehearsal?

Heather, I still have plenty of...

A rehearsal?!

How could you be part
of the evil military

and kill my brothers and sisters
who are defending their country?

Yusef, there are no straight men left.
Girls like me have to join the army.

Yes, that's why I joined.

She reads the lines
with such conviction.

Yes. This is so much better
than building pipe bombs.

What are you doing?

W had to start rehearsals.
We have no time to waste.

But we haven't even...

Say no to the army, run away
to France where they have real men.

No. The recruiters
kidnap us off the street,

talk to us for hours
until we finally agree to sign up.

Like Scientology.

I'll ask the great leader
Osama for us to stay together.

I didn't write that.

- To stay together.
- Please. Director Akbar!

For us to stay together...

Is this a real sword?

Yes. Be careful.

Oh, my God.

I will ask the great leader Osama.

She's an infidel. Cut off her head.

And cut off her balls, too!

- Yaah! Come back here!
- No! Not me! Kill her!

- Death to the uncircumcised!
- Asshole!

- This sword is heavy!
- Just one second.

Give him more lines.

- Hey, isn't that?
- Yes, actor Akbar.

Revered by all Americans.

This isn't that kind of movie. This is
serious, for adults. Not entertainment.

- He will be hard to replace.
- There is no replacing!

This is about militants being
held at Guantanamo without a lawyer!

Meryl Streep already did that!

What about the Marine who rapes
and murders an Iraqi family?

Brian De Palma, straight to video.

Lawyer who fights wiretapping.

Robert Redford.

Soldier who's forced
to go back to Iraq!

- Has an Oscar buzz.
- I want to see that!

- We'll see it Friday.
- It's a date.

I know. All the really great
anti-American films have been done.

No way we can compete
with Hollywood studios.

Michael Malone?
What are you doing here?

- I'm directing this picture.
- What? I don't do documentaries.

- Malone! We're under attack!
- Now what?

Come on!

I don't see an attack.

- A gun? I don't...
- Fine. I know. Talk, don't shoot.

Think of that as a talkin' stick.
Let's go, men!

- Where are we going?!
- Don't step in that!

What's going on?!

Sons of bitches!
Get the hell out of this courtroom!

- Stop! You can't just shoot people!
- They're not people! They're the ACLU!

What?! You still can't...

Fire at will, boys!

What's goin' on here?

ACLU. They come around
every now and then.

No listenin' in on terrorists' calls.

Be nice to Al Qaeda.
Read 'em their rights.

Separation of church and state.

I'll tell you one thing about
the undead. They are relentless.

Gun control. That gets 'em
a little riled up, too.

I think we could use
gun control right about now!

Tell it to them.

Try it. It's fun.

Try not to lead 'em so much next time.

What we're tryin' to do here, son,
is protect the Ten Commandments.

There's still five left.

Hey, judge!
Is the "not killing" still up there?

Aw, screw it!

Guns are not the answer!

Nice shot.

Oh, my God, what have I done?

The first one's always the best.

OK, OK, give me that thing.

I bet they heard that.

Come on! They're on the subway!

Godspeed, General!

I'll need to see your bag, please.

This says we can't search their bags.

Thank Allah for the ACLU.

Now you are going to
see the glory of jihad.

They're going to fly
a subway into a building?

Subway into a building... hmm.

Well, now you've gone too far!
You're against privacy rights, too?

Only when they interfere
with survival rights.

Enjoy your privacy rights in hell.

The Patriot Act is spoiling everything.

I can't believe
I lent Fayed my backpack.

Sir, we are ready to do our duty.

Your job is to pick up
the three all-access media passes

from the infidel director.

As America watches that concert on TV,

they will see the power of jihad.

You are going to blow up
Madison Square Garden?

When that roof collapses

on 20,000 American soldiers
and their families,

we will be held as martyrs
throughout the Arab world.

But we will be dead.


Isn't there like a remote control
or a button or something?

Leader, we get the passes for it
from the director Akbar.

Very good.

I'm gonna grab a knish.

Your families will be proud.

Is there nothing we can do?

Nothing. The plan is foolproof.

Enough already. It's not as if I'm
against Santa Claus or the Boy Scouts.

Little tip for you.

Fascist uniforms, not cool.

- Or religion.
- Or the Fourth of July?

Fourth of July? That reminds me.
I got a demonstration. See ya.

You're leavin'?

Yep. End of the line for me,
so conjure up some fog

- and get me the hell out of here.
- Just go. This is real.

Are you sure?

That subway station was too clean.

.. unh!

That's the real America.

Proud to celebrate the Fourth of July,
just like your own family.

This is my own family.

Oh, right. So it is.

Hey, do I smell burgers?

I made your favorite, sweet potatoes.

Aw, honey, you know,

what I think I'm gonna miss most
is your cooking.

Not my kisses?

Should I set a place
for Uncle Michael?

Oh, no, honey.
Uncle Michael's still very busy.

I feel bad he keeps
disappointing you.

Well, he'll come around.

- God bless us, everyone.
- There he is, my gentle little Timmy.

What a beautiful day
for a family picnic.

Hey, Timmy, ready for dessert?

Daddy, is your asshole
uncle coming tonight?

Uh, well...

Uh, Timmy, you know
Uncle Michael loves you.

That lard ass only loves himself.

Did he come up with
money for my operation?

Uh, well, uh...

Documentaries don't actually
pay enough to, uh...

- Daddy!
- Beckah. Hi, sweetheart.

I see that Michael "I'm gonna get
you a cornea transplant" Malone

stiffed you again.

Uh, honey, he's doin' everything he can.

I bet he spent time in the cornea market
at the Cannes Film Festival.

Oh, good!

The boys have brought out Tiny Tina.

She's doing so much better
on that new dialysis machine.

Hey, kids!

I don't suppose Uncle Jerkwad
has showed up with the kidney.

I'm running a little short on time here.

Come on!

Now, can't we go on
to some other awful place?

- Where the hell are we?
- Kandahar, Afghanistan.

But there's a war going on here!

- Since 9l11!
- Down!

- Down!
- They shouldn't be blindfolded.

- It's against the Geneva Convention.
- They're the enemy.

- They're innocent till proven guilty.
- Let me tell you something.

If they're on the battlefield
and shooting at you, they're guilty!

That's not the point.

There's no reason
to blindfold prisoners.

Fine. Take 'em off.

Michael Malone! Michael Malone!

Die You American Pigs!

He's much fatter in person.


Let's see how fat I look
with one of these blindfolds back on.

Aah aah aah!

...for my God
is with me wherever I go.

Have mercy upon me, O God,

for it is an unfailing love.

Praise be to the Lord, my rock,

who trains my hands for war,
my fingers for battle.

We're taking fire!

They're using real bullets!

I've tried to show him,

but this one is just too bullheaded.

Father, please forgive me.

I have done my best.

This challenge was just too much.

I fear this battle is lost.

Oh, so now you're telling God?

Not that father.

You know, JFK was right.
You are hopeless.

What?! Oh, George Washington.

Been dead for 200 years,
not that that matters anymore.

It does matter, citizen Malone.

Nice costume.
You here for the Halloween parade?

I'm here to talk to you about freedom.

- The greatest gift man has.
- Freedom?

Very precarious gift, easily misused.

And when it is misused, easily lost.

Like freedom from pompous spirits.

Like freedom of speech, which you abuse.

Like freedom of religion.

This is St. Paul's Chapel,
where I worshipped every Sunday...

...when New York was the capital.

I sat right here
on the morning of my inaugural

to pray for guidance
in leading this nation.

If this place is so important,
why don't they clean it?

- It's full of...
- Dust.

From across the street.

Oh, my God.

It was the World Trade Center,

and this is the dust
of 3,000 innocent human beings

and the great heroes who perished
trying to save them.

Why'd you bring me here?

I'm not responsible for this.

It was our foreign policy.

It's our military bases overseas.

It's globalization. It's the CIA!

Is that what you're
gonna say on judgment day?

Well, I've already been judged,
and I won an Oscar.

For a documentary.

When you meet the Almighty, Michael,
I'm afraid that won't do.

Only the truth will do.

I gotta get out of here.

No! No!

No! No!

Don't hurt me!
I've always stood up for gay rights.

I'm the Angel of freakin' Death,
you turdhead.

Boy, you do not wanna mess
with the Angel of Death.

Listen, punk, there are consequences
for what you do.

Let's go.

Oh, good, another field trip.

Can we go someplace cool this time,
like Paris or Hollywood?

Now, that's a good idea.

What's goin' on here?
Where are we?

Hollywood, just like you wanted,
only now it's called Bin Laden City.

Oh, my God.

They kept the buildings.
Just changed the signs.

Oh, no!
This isn't happening!

We lost the war on terror.
Nice work.

Great bunch of movies
you made for the other side.

Oh, shit.

Yeah. Terrorists really
appreciated your work.

Take me home.

My real home.

That's where we're goin'.
Back to Michigan.

Ah, home.


This is all that's left?

Not much to work with,
but if we put our heads together...

We'll never be able
to identify this victim.

Why even bother?

I mean, it's one of 100,000.

What happened here?
100,000 people dead?


The strange thing is
the blast only killed a few hundred.

Radiation got the rest.

Nuclear attack on Detroit?

Oh, my God.

We found this in the wreckage
of a television interview show.

Some big-ass celebrity.

You got that right.

This was near it.

Hey, that's Michael Malone's cap.

That explains the fat ass.

Check this out.

There is no terrorist threat.

Uh, yeah, yeah.
I just forgot to sign

the please don't shoot
my ass off agreement.

Do I look more
like Michael Malone now?

Hey, spank my know-it-all ass.

I know!

Least everyone will be happy
now that I've been nuked!

Don't let me die!
And all those people!

I don't wanna die!
Please, I don't wanna die!

I don't wanna die!
Please! I don't wanna die!

Please! I don't wanna die.

I don't wanna die.
I don't wanna die.

I don't wanna die. I don't
wanna die. I don't wanna die.

I don't wanna die. I don't
wanna die. I don't wanna die.

I didn't die. I'm alive!

I'm here at Madison Square Garden

where Moovealong. Org is holding
their Anti-Fourth-of-July rally.

I didn't miss it!

It wasn't a nightmare!

Except for that creepy
George Washington guy.

It's a beautiful day!

They're all waiting
for their leader, Michael Malone.

That's right, Michael Malone.

I'm so f...

Time to go.

I can't. I'm... sick.

You look terrible.

But you always look terrible.

Now come on.
Millions of people are counting on you.

We love Michael Malone!

We love Michael Malone!

You gotta do the right thing.

We don't care how!
Leave now! We don't care how!

Leave now! We don't care how!

Director Akbar!

Director Akbar, our
all-access media passes,

you have them?

Oh, yeah, uh,
enjoy the, uh, demonstration.

- Thank you.
- Mr. Malone, Mr. Malone!

What is your message to the troops

who have come for
the Fourth of July concert?

Uh... uh... uh...

Give me that!

We're not gonna celebrate a country
that sends soldiers to fight.

That's what Michael is here to say.
Come on. Everyone's waiting.

Introduce Jimmy Carter
and make a speech.

- Bring troops home!
- Michael Malone will be here soon!

Feel free to just wander on up here.

And here's former
President Jimmy Carter!

Israel is an apartheid state.

Uh, high taxes are good for you.

And after him,
Michael Malone is gonna be here!

Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom.

What am I gonna do?
They're gonna kill me!

You spineless bastard, act like a man.

Why'd you do that?
I was gonna do something.

I just don't know what.

You can't sit here on the sidelines.
It's time to take action.

I'm considering
getting another hero.

Hey! What are you doin' here?
You're not a spirit.

I know. I just enjoy slapping you.

Listen to yourself!

The time has come to forget about
the consequences and show courage!

You know what courage is?

You mean, like the lion
in The Wizard Of Oz?

I had a more heroic reference in mind,

but if The Wizard Of Oz
works for you, well, OK.

You know, is it possible for me
to get a little privacy in here?

We are facing the greatest
evil since Nazism.

What are you talking about?

To assure there will be no more war,
I've taken the liberty

of arranging a formal surrender ceremony
on the U.S.S. Missouri.

OK, stop! I'll do it.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, look, here he is now,

a true heavyweight of the movement,

our brother, Michael Malone!

.. whoo.

Ah, thank you. Thank you.

Uh, I know what you all
think is important.

Government-run health care.

Global warming.

No handguns allowed in your home.

And these things are all vital.

But they all come second
to the most important thing of all.

We're in a real war, people.

These terrorists want to kill us all,

and you're acting
like it's September 10th.


Where'd you get that?!

Hang on a second!
Thanks, guys.

Oh, please! I don't blame you
for wantin' to water-board me

in a secret CIA prison,
but I've changed!

- We're trying to protect you.
- Well, thank you for bein' here.

Don't thank us. Thank the recruiter
that came to our campus.

What? You guys went to college?

And now, folks,
give a big New York City welcome to...

...Whiskey Falls!

Poor Aziz.

He was supposed to wait
to detonate his bombs.

What a wanker.

Hey, let's get hot dogs
and go see the show.

After we blow ourselves up.

After the bombs go off,
I will personally kill you.

I can live with that.

Hey! Hey, it's that Michael Malone!

Oh, hey!

This is for people
who support our troops.

You hate country music.
What are you doin' here?

I had no choice.

I was about to be beaten
by peace marchers!

And now,
on the birthday of our nation,

we're proud to introduce a man

who has entertained troops
all over the world.

Please welcome country music
superstar Trace Adkins!

The Angel of Death is headlining?

Hello, New York City!

Director Akbar!

Director Akbar!
Back here!

I'm gonna get killed.

I know. We all are.

We have to tell you something.
Aziz is not an actor.

- He's not?
- He's something else.

Think back.

You look like a terrorist.

You are going to blow up
Madison Square Garden?

Bawk, bawk, bawk!

Bawk, bawk, bawk!

Bawk, bawk, bawk!

Wait! So you're saying he's a terrorist?

- And that would make you...
- Filmmakers.


The "film" is set to go off at 7:00.

We have to stop him.

We'll never find him in this crowd.

There's only one place
I can see everything. The stage.

They hate you.

They hated Stalin, too.

Look for him out in the house.

- Stalin?
- The mentor of Oprah.

I wouldn't want
to be anywhere else.

So come on, let's not waste
any more time.

Let me hear you.

Hey, Malone,
get off the stage!

Get off the stage!

- What's he doin' here!
- Well, uh...

- What are you doin' here?!
- Damn it, where is he?

Uh, you probably all hate me,
and I don't blame you.

I said a lot of bad things.

Uh, over the last few days,
I learned a lot of lessons.

And now I know that terrorism
is not our fault!

He's got to be
out there somewhere.

And that, uh, we may not be perfect,
but we're the good guys!


I'm sorry about what I said about
country music, NASCAR, and Americans.

If you want to listen to dumb songs

About cowboys and trucks

and watch cars endlessly
go around in circles.

Hey, what... Hey, this is
the United States of America!

We're free to do what we want!

So if those of you who agree with me

that America should be
destroyed, stand up now!

Yes! Die, you American pigs!


There he is! The terrorist! Get him!

We'll get him, director Akbar!

Get him! Get him!

- Aziz, don't do it!
- Allahu Akbar.

- Wait!
- Wait!

OK, now we must disarm the bomb.

Then it's a good thing we're alert.

- The red one!
- Which one's red? I'm color blind.

We don't have time.

I've never done this
in a restroom.

Don't worry about it.
Just relax and pull it gently.

Like that?


Not that one!
Don't pull that one!

Push harder! Put it in here.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
He's waking up!

Do something!


- That was amazing.
- You're incredible.


Director Akbar!
Director Akbar!

Look! Look!

Got anything else to say, son?

Yeah! How about you rednecks
Play some of that awful country music!

Welcome to the real America.

You know, you look
much slimmer in person.

New York City!

There is mosh pit?

Not in country music.


Josh! Josh!

Josh, Josh!

Josh, Josh!

Carry on.

Daddy, look who's here.

- Uncle Asshole!
- Josh!


Can you forgive your stupid uncle
for being too blind to see

what's been right in front of him
this whole time?

Oh, nice! Blind jokes!

Uncle Michael, it's OK.

Well, I just want you to know
that I care about you, and...

...I'm proud of what you're doin'.

I always knew that, Uncle Michael.
I always knew it.

Well, now you take care of yourself,

'cause there's a lot
of bad people out there.

It's OK. As long as there's
a lot of good people here.

If there's anything I can do...

Maybe I can send
some DVDs of my movies.

That's all right.

We captured a lot of them
when we took Saddam's palace.

Besides, I think most
of the guys prefer features.

But I'd really appreciate it

if you could check in on Lily
and the kids while I'm gone.

Yeah, I will. No problem.

You've made Josh so happy.

- Thanks, Jilly.
- Lily.

Welcome to the fight, Uncle Michael.

This time I know our side will win.


Don't worry, Josh!

I'll take care of the family!

Thought I'd find you here.

He's a good kid.
Persian Gulf, volunteered.

I feel so useless.
What can I do?

Well, you could start by being

as big a pain in the ass to
the terrorists as you've been to us.

Like makin' a movie
of the good things about America.

In Hollywood? Fat chance.

Sorry for bein' such a jerk.

Sorry I made you listen
to country music.

Ah, forget it.

Hey, you want to grab a sandwich?

I'd love to. Used to get
a good pastrami in Manhattan.

Before you got t-boned by that car.
It was a spinal injury, right?

Tough day.
Didn't see that comin'.

What do you think
about stem cell research?

Let's not go there.
A broken neck is a broken neck...

From then on,
he always remembered to celebrate

the Fourth of July,

and he did what he could
to help out the soldiers.

But most important, he devoted himself

to spreading a message of his hero.

My fellow Americans,

ask not what your country
can do for you,

but rather, ask, uh...
Uh... line!

You know, I don't think JFK
would say this like that.

- It's become such a...
- "What you can do for your country!"

Oh, cut!
What are we gonna do?

Fire his ass.

That's my boy.

God bless us, everyone.

And God bless America!

And it turned out
people actually wanted to see movies

that showed good things about America.

- Grandpa!
- Oh, Grandpa, come on.

Hey. It's just a story.

My fellow Americans,

ask not what your country
can do for you,

but rather ask what you can do
for your country.

Cut! Print!

Special thanks to SergeiK.