Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging script is here for all you fans of the movie based on the Louise Rennison novel. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging Script


For the zillionth time, Dad, I'm an adult.
You don't have to stalk me.

I said I'm dropping you off.

Now, just take off that shell
and get in the car.

Dad, my costume is the business.
I don't want it to get crushed.

You look fantastic, love.

I just don't want you
walking around the streets on your own.

Do you have any idea
how long it took to get this right?

I have to make an entrance.

What's that?

And what are you supposed to be?
An obese leprechaun?

Anyone can see I'm a stuffed olive.

Stuffed is right.

What happened to you, Ellen?

You were supposed to come
as a cocktail sausage.

Well, my mum said no,
her being a vegetarian and all.

Jas? Cheese and pineapple stick?

Well, the cheese made me look fat
and yellow washes me out.

I didn't know how to be a vol au vent.

But we said we'd all go
as hors d'oeuvres to be original.

It was supposed to be a laugh.

But boys don't like girls for funniness.

- Sorry, Georgia.
- Wait, Georgia.

- Georgia, don't go.
- Georgia!

Georgia, what are you doing?

You'll be late for your first day
back at school.

I'm coming.

- Georgia, Mummy wants you.
- Libby.

Oh, flip, flipper and flipping hell!

Excusez-moi. C'est trés grotesque.

If you don't mind?

Oi! Cheeky.

Libby, stop putting Angus in the fridge.

What do you want
for breakfast, munchkin?

Stuffed olive?

Just because I did something so beyond
the Valley of Sad City last night

it doesn't give you the right,
as my parents, to humiliate me further.

Today is the first day of my life
as the new Georgia.

And who is she, my little elf?

She's not an "elf". Not a munchkin.

She is a mature, sophisticated woman
called Ms Georgia Nicolson.

So, to celebrate the new me,

I've decided what I want to do
for my birthday party this year.

I want a proper party in a club,
with a D.J.

You're not old enough to get into a club,
never mind hire one out for a party.

If you haven't noticed, I'm a woman now.

I wear a bra!


Are you really trying to
damage me permanently?

There's no way that you are having
a party in a club

where there's drinking,
and it's full of randy men.

What sort of parents
do you think we are?

- Do you really want me to answer that?
- That's enough, missy.

- Why would we damage you?
- We made you.

Honestly, Georgia, this attitude is...

Welcome to the tragic universe
that is my sad life.

Why? I'll give you
five major reasons why.

Number one,
my parents are from the Stone Age.

- No us, no you.
- God knows what you'd do.

- You understand? You wouldn't exist.
- Yeah.

Number two, they hate me having a life
'cause theirs are practically over

and mine's just starting.

- And it's not good enough.
- Honestly. Every year it's...

- Number three.
...a performance...

My little sister's bonkers. Poor Angus
will need even more therapy than me.

- A lot of trouble!
...because of your fifteenth birthday...

- Number four...'s not good enough.

- ... my nose is the size of Jupiter. ungrateful.

- I need to go into an ugly home.
- Georgia,

what have you gone and done now?

How did you manage
to pluck them all so quickly?

You haven't, have you?

Oh, crikey. Bob, she shaved them.

Number five, I'll never get a boyfriend.

What's the hurry
with growing up so fast?

Why don't you just enjoy being 14?

Enjoy being 14? How twisted is that?

And if home isn't mental enough,

I have to spend all day at this loony bin,
or as some people call it, school.

Sometimes I think Jas and I are
the only normal people here.

There's Dave the Laugh.

- Why do they even call him that?
- Okay, now get this one.

Boys are such a mystery.

- Yeah, how was that?
- Oi, Nicolson! Watch it.

The Bummer Twins
are the school bullies.

- Twice as mean.
- What?

Twice as mingy.

Lindsay "Slag" Marling
from the year above.

She really is Miss Slag of the Century.

And where did she get
those bazoomas?

How did they grow that fast?

Two minutes to lessons, children.

Let's not start the term
with a detention, Nicolson.

Our headmistress, Slim,
likes to oppress me,

'cause I caught her once
with her skirt in her knickers.

I laughed so much I nearly fainted.

- Hey, guys!
- Luckily I've got my Ace Gang

to fill in the long hours
before we get released.

- Christmas tree.
- D.J.

Ellen, Rosie, Jas and moi.

Now, when your hands are numb you lift
them up to your bazoomas and press.

See? It feels like someone else
is touching them,

not your own hands, right?

- Wow. Freakilicious.
- Oh, I could get used to this.

I don't think we should be doing this.
It's kind of lesbiany.

Well, you asked me
what it was like to be felt up.

So, what's the best thing
about having a boyfriend then?

It just feels really natural.
You know, really grown up.

And the snogging is wicked.

Sven uses varying pressure.
That's what foreign boys do.

My parents snog occasionally.
Even at their age.


Seeing old people over the age of snogging is just horrific.

Of all of the boys I've ever snogged,
Sven is definitely the best.

'Cause he's emotional.

Where have you got to
on the snogging scale?


Jas and I invented a snogging scale.
The Ten Stages of Snogging.

- You're mad.
- No. It's scientific.

- How would you know anything about it?
- Please.

- Who got 82% in Bio?
- True.

We cut out all the letters about kissing

from the problem pages
of every girls' magazine.

So, it starts with level one,
holding hands.

Two, arms around waist.
Three, good night kiss.

Four, kiss lasting over three minutes
without breath.

- Five, open mouth kissing.
- Number six, tongues.

Oh, my God.

Seven, upper body fondling outdoors.

Eight... Oh, my God.

I've gone all jelloid.

- Who are those fitties?
- They're well beyond fit, they're lush.

They are sex gods.

- They must be newbies.
- Ace Gang, it's boy-stalking time.


- They have mushy peas and chips.
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, definitely.

I want them!

You're here. You're late. Get changed.
We're going on a family outing.

- Do we have to?
- What do you mean, do we have to?

You used to love doing things
with the family.

Georgia, don't start, not tonight.
We're going to the Bonker's Buffet

and your granddad's coming as well.

Oh, look out.

Oh, no.

They're Granddad's teeth.

Granddad's teeth.

So, the sex gods are twins.

- C'est magnifique.
- Marvy.

- But they're not identical.
- Obviously, Jas.

They're two years above us.

Jackie's got Geography
with the one called Tom.

She says he just moved here
from London.

London! I knew they were cosmopolitan.

Apparently their family just opened
an organic shop on the high street.

Dishy and nutritious.

So, G, Tom or Robbie?
Which brother do you want?

- What about me?
- El, we saw them first.

That's not fair!

Ellen, you have to be emotionally
sorted to be ready for a boyfriend.

Jas and I are there.
We even devised a snogging scale.

That proves it.

We have to know ourselves,
to see how boys see us.

Can you handle that?

Okay, so it's time for the
Physical Attractiveness Test.


You lot are so sweet.
I got mostly eights for everything.

- So did I.
- Me, too.

Hey, who gave me a four for my nose?

And look. Someone else
gave my mouth a six and one third.

What's wrong with my mouth?

God, I'm having a nervy B.

We've only gone over the plan
a gazillion times.

You don't need to have a breakdown.
Just stick to your lines and we'll be fine.

Okay. How's my hair?

Very Keira Knightley.
Just get in there, you minger.

Remember, lower your voice
so you sound sexier.


- Hi there, how are you?
- Oh, fine, thanks.

- Can I get some onions please?
- Onions. Red ones?

- Yeah.
- How many?

Just a pound, please.

- A pound.
- Yeah.

- These are nice ones, these are.
- Great.

What are you doing?

Jas? Hey, Jas. Quelle surprise.

What a shock to see you here.

I want this brother.

That's fine.
Just stop playing with your hair.

How nice to see you, Georgia. I was just
picking up some onions for my mum.

Well, you know your onions,
don't you, Jas?

You've been eating
organic food for ages.


Oh, I'm sorry.
This is my friend, Georgia.

- I'm Jas.
- Hi, I'm Tom.

Do you need something
for a sore throat?

- So, what school are you two at?
- Ridgley.

Ridgley? Me, too. Just started.

- Here you go.
- Thanks, Robbie.

That's all right. Can't let my brother
work hard serving good looking girls

without a cup of tea.


- Apples. She likes apples.
- Great.

About a pound, yeah?

Robbie, this is Jas and Georgia.
They go to Ridgley too.

Okay. Yeah,
I thought I recognised them.

Tom, I got to move. I got band practice.

- You're in a band.
- Yeah, some mates from London.

- Oh, what are you called?
- The Stiff Dylans.

- Great name.
- Thanks.

I'm a bass player.

Did you know bass players
have really big hands?

I guess they do. I do have big hands.

Hey, Jubbly. Is that my little Jubbly?
Come here, little Jubbly Jubbly.

- You like cats?
- Yeah, love them.

Don't I, lovely Jubbly? Do you have one?

Angus. Her cat's called Angus.

He's part Scottish wildcat.

I used to walk him by the sea.
But he ate his collar.

- And his lead.
- What?


What are you doing here?
You hate vegetables.

Mum, you're so funny.
I'm getting apples.

- My favourites.
- But apples give you wind.

What a lovely selection of Brie.

How am I ever
going to be able to face him again?

My mum
is so beyond the Valley of the Thick.

- She wasn't that bad.
- What? Telling the only cool boy

in Eastbourne I have flatulence issues
is okay?

I don't think he took any notice.

And, anyway, he was well into you
before your mum came in.

- Do you think so?
- Yeah.

You were great asking him
about his band and stuff.

- And he likes cats, like me.
- Yep.

Did you see the way Tom held onto
my hand a little too much

- when he gave me the onions?
- He didn't!

He is so gorgeous!

They're both beyond
the Valley of the Gorgeous.

Oh, are you sure
my mum hasn't ruined it?

Oh, GG, it was really fab.

- Fabbity fab?
- With knobs on.

And Robbie will understand.
All parents say stupid things.

He'll probably like you more
'cause he'll feel bad

you've got a mum
that's beyond bonkerdom.

You're right.

God, Robbie's just so
muscley and dreamy and...

- Tom said, "See you later."
- I know. So did Robbie.

- What exactly does that mean?
- I'm not sure.

Do you think Tom says that to everyone

like a sort of "See you later"
sort of thing?

No. He wouldn't say "See you later"
slowly unless he means "See you later."

Otherwise he would just say
"See ya later."

- Don't you get it?
- When is later then?

I don't know. I'm not boy lingual yet.

But I tell you what.
I see a snog at the end of the tunnel.

Big fish little fish cardboard box

Big fish little fish cardboard box
Fill the trolley fill

Lindsay, stop it.
You don't have to come.

Oh, Robbie, stop.
I promise I won't get in the way.

Oh, no. I don't mind, honestly.

Come on.
Lindsay, stop messing about there.

All right? Or you'll just have to
sit in the back then.

Oh, Robbie.

Maybe they're just mates.

Don't be a plonker, El.
Mates don't hold hands.

I already feel fed up with boys,

and I haven't had anything
to do with them yet.

I don't know how
she got in there before you.

- I can never compete with Lindsay.
- Yes, you can.

You've got
much better qualities than her.

Yeah? Like what?

- Well, you're really funny.
- Yeah.

You were so hilarious
in that olive costume.

But, Jas, you said
boys don't rate girls for funniness.

Well, I just meant
that they rate other things more.

Oh, yeah. What do they rate then?

Skinny-Minnie blondie boobie girly girls
like Slaggy Lindsay?

Well, she does have that cover-girl look
that boys die for.

So, are you saying
I have to be more like her?

Thong alert!

I always knew she was from Vulgaria.

- Now that's what boys like.
- But they just go up your bum.

- Nah.
- Do you think you should try one?

No way. I'm not gonna injure myself
just because boys like it.

And Slaggy Lindsay should know
that all those ancient women

did not burn their bras and give women
the vote so she could wear a thong.

What a swiz!

- That is just diabolical.
- No, that is shocking.

Bet you Robbie doesn't know about that.

At least I sort of fill up my bra
when I wear one.

Even though it does bunch up
when I run for the bus.

So, she has false boobs,
a massive bum and a blank personality.

You would score more
in all of those areas.


But she's got Robbie
and I haven't even kissed a boy.

I can't.

You want to move up
on the maturity scale, right?

I'm not that desperate.

You have to step up to compete.
It's educational.

You'll gain skills
Lindsay can only dream of.

- Hi.
- Hi. Are you Peter Dyer?

The man, the myth, the legend.

- Your parents aren't here, are they?
- No.

My hours are between 4:30 and 5:before they get back from work.

Any musical requests?

The right tune creates the right vibe.

50 Cent? Dido? Inner Relaxation Mix?

Whatever. You choose.

Now, what kind of experience
do you have?

Oh, loads.

You have to be completely honest
so I can evaluate you accurately.

Okay, I guess I practise a lot
on the back of my hand.

On average a person will have
over 25,000 snogs in their lifetime.

So close your eyes,
relax, feel the magic.

We're going to do a standard one first.

Wow, you're a natural.

- Really?
- Not too firm or toothy.

- That's very common with beginners.
- Great.

Next, movement.

When I move my head in
you go the other way.

The boy leads and the girl always fits in.

- Where should I put my hands?
- The waist is safest.

You're a quick learner. Now, tongues.

They're a health and safety issue.

The secret is to strike the right balance
between yielding and giving.

Start slowly, like a turtle, not a lizard.

Avoid washing machine syndrome.

Sadly, this session's over.
My next client's here.

- Hi, Georgia.
- Hi, El.

Thank you, Georgia. I'll be in touch.

You did tongues, didn't you?
Number six.

You did a big fat tongue sandwich,
didn't you?

Oh, my God.
All I know is, he was from Saliva City.

But who cares?
I'm a snogging sensation.


Mum? Dad?

I just want you both to know how much I
really appreciate all you've done for me.

I mean, it can't be easy since
you can hardly remember being my age

'cause it was so long ago.

Have you been inhaling fumes
from the science lab?

I want to talk party details.

Oh, Georgia. I told you I needed
to talk about something important.

Oh, this is important!

- Oh, all right! You go first.
- Can I invite boys?

You haven't got some fancy fellow
we don't know about, have you?

No. Honestly, Dad.
No one says "fella" any more.

This isn't the Middle Ages, you know.
Or the '70s as you call it.

Sorry, Dad. I must be hormonal.

Can I have a D. J?

Why would we pay for one when
we've already got one in the family?

- What?
- Oh, yes.

No way.
Oh, I want music from this century, Dad.

If we hire a club,
we'll get a D.J. thrown in.

We are not going to hire a club.

I can get a very good rate
at the community hall.

We've thrown
some legendary bashes there.

We still know how to get down.

Hey, wait, missy.
I haven't told you my news.

Okay, just please stop snogging.
It's not normal.

- I have been offered a promotion.
- Oh, cool.

Maybe I can get a PDA
instead of a mobile now?

Georgia, where in the world do you find
the most geomagnetic thermal activity?

- I don't know, Dad.
- New Zealand.

That's the slight catch.
The job's in New Zealand.

- What?
- Look, I know it's a big deal

and I don't have to decide anything yet.

I really want to discuss it
with all the family.

It's a bit of a shock for us all

but your dad's not going to do
anything we're not happy with.

Oh, Dad, you should totally go.
What an opportunity.

Yes. One less parent to deal with.

If Dad goes to New Zealand
I can easily get around Mum

and have my dream party.

Now, I just need a plan to show Robbie
I'm a natural born snogger.

So, I've figured out what I've got
that Slaggy Lindsay doesn't.

Hair on the back of your legs?

- The Angus advantage.
- What?

Robbie loves cats and so do I. So,
when he finds out Angus is missing...

- But Angus isn't missing.
- Don't be dim.

We just pretend Angus is missing
so I get Robbie to help me find him.

He'll discover how unfake I am

and then I'll try out my new natural
snogging technique and voilà!

I've got my sex god.
Then we get you yours,

and we're all set for my party.
The hottest, choicest party of the year.

Okay. When you see Robbie
and I walk this way,

you let Angus go
so Robbie can find him,

resulting in high self esteem for him
and a celebration snogathon for me.

Yeah, got it. Is that Tom?

Oh, he has got a fit bum.

Quality lushness! Oh, I wish
I could just go up and snog his face off.

Honestly, Jas. Sometimes I think
you're half girl, half turnip.

- Just focus on the plan.
- Oh, God, you're right.

Have you done those
flower pots for me, son?

Yes. Yes, Mum.

- Hiya.
- Oh, hi.

Are you okay? What's wrong?

It's my cat. He's lost.

I don't know what happened.
He just disappeared.

I'd go out and look with you
but I've got to help my mum in the shop.

I'll put it in the window.

Sure. Thanks, Robbie.


- If I lost Jubbly, I'd be really upset, too.
- Yeah, I'm pretty gutted.

Ben, Ben, Ben! Get it, Ben, go!

- Trixie.
- Angus, stop!

- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

- Can you get the cat?
- No worries.

Trixie, come back!


Come on, you fluffy cat. Angus? Angus?

So, are you glad
you moved to Eastbourne?

Yeah. Have you always lived here?

Yeah. It's called God's Waiting Room
'cause it's where people come to die.

- I heard Eastbourne's the new Brighton.
- Don't be stupid.

It's more peaceful here than London.

I like to come to the beach.
Write songs.

- About what?
- Angus?

I don't know, life, the universe.

- How reality TV is brainwashing us.
- Wow.

Angus? Come on, you fluffy cat.

So, what do the Stiff Dylans sound like?

Well, actually we've got a lot of
influences, Radiohead, Pink Floyd.

My dad listens to Pink Floyd
when he's been on the vino.

- He knows all the words backwards.
- My dad plays air guitar really badly.

- He thinks he's Hendrix.
- Does he make a wicked guitar face?

Oh, not as wicked as me. I've taken the
uncool guitar face to a whole new level.

Let's see one then.

Thank you and good night, Eastbourne.

- You've been a great crowd.
- Rock on!

I don't think Angus is here.
He likes the park, too.

Okay, let's go.

- So, is that your mum behind the till?
- Yeah.

She's really pretty. Mine's mental.

No, honestly, she's mad as a hatter.

She's actually become
quite a regular customer.

Oh, my God.

Promise you won't take anything
she says about me seriously.

That's no problem.

So, does your dad work
in the shop, too?

No, he's in London.

My parents just got divorced.

- Oh, sorry.
- It's okay.

That's why my mum opened the shop.
She's always wanted one.

It's good that Tom and I can
keep an eye on her, you know?

- What's wrong?
- Nothing, I thought I heard something.

- Robbie!
- Look, Georgia, my brother's found him.


- Angus. Come here.
- Angus!

- I'm sorry, Georgia.
- You messed it all up.

- You were meant to be waiting...
- Over there. the fountain.
- I couldn't. That cat is mental.

It's okay, it's all right. I'll get him.

He went down there.


Angus, come here. Gotcha.
Come on, boy, it's okay.

Good boy. Got you. I've got him.

- Are you okay?
- Easy, Rob. He nearly broke Jas' arm.

Yeah, where'd you find him, Jas?
Georgia said she's been looking all day.

I found him in the park by the fountain.

That's lucky.
That's where we were looking.

Angus was raised by a family
of Scottish beavers. He loves water.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Here we go.
- What were you doing? Thanks, Robbie.

You saved him.

Oh, Robbie. Lindsay called
and she's waiting for you on the pier.

Right, I'd better go.

Sure. No problem.
Thanks again for helping me.

Yeah, yeah, it was fun. I'll see you later.

All right, Jas.

- Oh, yeah.
- See ya later then.

Yeah, see ya later.

- "See ya later." Again.
- We were really hitting it off.

- Jas?
- Yeah?

- Do you wanna go out some time?
- With you?

- Yeah, with me.
- Sure.

- Great. Should I get your number then?
- Oh, yeah.

When do you think he'll really call?

Do you think I should have
taken his number, too?

Or would that have
just looked desperate?

Jas, it was perfect.
You did everything right.

But he's from a broken home.
You have to be extra mature.

Totally. When he calls will you help me
pick an outfit for the date?

Love to.

Good job, Angus.!
- But the month,

I'm gonna have to be
on my own with the kids,

- dealing with everything!
- Yes, but I've got to go!

We can't just turn up with nothing
set up. I have to go and set it up!

I know, but I'm just trying to tell you...

Then you can come join me
and we'll have a better quality of life.

- It'll be fantastic for all of us!
- Come on. Listen to me, please.

- I'm just saying it's upsetting to me...
- 'Cause I never listen, that's right.

- Oh, my God!
- I never listen to you, do I?

Your dad is just impossible.

Georgia? Can you come up here
for a minute, please?

Hi, sweetheart. Can you
give me a hand with this packing?

'Cause your mum is
making a right mess of it.

Dad, why do you need
four pairs of brown trousers?

- 'Cause they go with everything.
- They do not.

Hey, I'm not going on a fashion shoot.

Hey, what is it, munchkin?

Dad, I don't like it
when you and Mum fight.

Promise me you won't hang out
with any Kiwi women while you're away.

Not even ugly ones.

What are you talking about, Georgia?

Hey, this is a big change for us all.

I'm not going out there
to be "living La Vida Loca."

Though I'm glad you still think
your dad's a handsome old devil,

even if he does belong
in the Stone Age.

Come on, then. How many pairs
of brown trousers do I need?

- Two.
- Two.

- Georgia? It's a boy. Result!
- What boy?

- Mr Peter Dyer.
- Oh, no. Saliva Boy.

What? He sounds keen to talk to you.



- Goodbye, love.
- Goodbye.

Kiss for Daddy? Bye, Libby.

Oh, my little elf.

- Oh, my love, you've got conjunctivitis.
- Relax.

I'm sad you're going and all that,
Dad, but it's only Vaseline.

- What?
- Makes your eyelashes longer.

Oh, Georgia, I wish you'd stop messing
about with yourself for one minute.

- You're beautiful.
- No, I'm not.

You have to say that. You're my dad.

Okay, you guys, I'm gonna ring you
as soon as I get there. All right?

Oh, and Georgie, darling, one last thing.
Stay off the bleeding phone.

- Bob, have you got your flight socks?
- In the back. Bye.

Georgia. He called.

- Already?
- Twice.

I'm having a major nervy B.
Zitney Spears or what?

The ice is bringing it down, though.
But I don't know if I should wear a bra.

You're not planning
on getting to level seven already?

Duh. I'm not a scrubber.
I just don't know if I need to wear a bra

to make me look more mature,

or if it'll just go bunchy under my top
and make me look fatter.

- Pencil test.
- You do it, too.

Crap. So no bra tonight.

God, mine's staying up for the first time.

- You're lucky. You're so voluptuous.
- Are you saying I'm fat?

No, you've got
just the right amount of breastiness.

Sadly, my mum can get
a whole pencil case up there.

I don't want them to get too big.

Otherwise I'll end up with backbreakers
like my mum or the Queen.

- The Queen hasn't got big bazoomas.
- Yes, she has.

She has a special bra that
pushes them under her armpits

so she doesn't look common
or unroyal with a 44 DD.

Jas, do you think, maybe,
you could tell Tom

how much better I am for Robbie
than Slaggy Lindsay?

- Of course. Oh, how's my spot?
- Do you want me to squeeze it?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Hello.
- Georgia, it's a builder I called.

I'm just getting dressed.
Make him a cup of tea.

What a pretty bride in your lucky dress.

Mum, will you hurry up?

- I've got to go meet Jas!
...there you are. There.

- Here comes the bride.
- Libby,

will you stop dressing Angus
up in drag?

All dressed in white.

Slips off banana skins
and dressing on the side.

You'll soon discover this is a madhouse.

Are you okay, Angus?

- You look lovely, Angus.
- Tea?

- Yes, please.
- What a beautiful bride.

Georgia, I'm thinking about
getting the living room redone but...

What a lovely dress!
That's a great dress.

But don't tell your dad.
It's a secret for when he gets back.

- What a pretty bride!
- I know he looks like George Clooney...

- I'm Connie.
- Jem. Nice to meet you, Connie.

... who's ancient but still a fittie.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, good.

But he'd never fancy her
in a million years

- and in that top?
- Shall we?

- Yeah.
- Please.

Tom's lips are so soft.

Did you tell him
to tell Robbie about me?

I dreamt about Tom all night.

Earth to Jas.
Did you talk about me and Robbie?

Oh, sorry, I forgot.


Wait a minute. Tom did say something.

He said Robbie thought Lindsay
was a bit clingy sometimes.

Tom smells so nice,
not fromagey like most boys.


So, what exactly did he mean
about Lindsay being clingy?

You know, Tom wants to go into
the fruit and veg business.

He says the future's organic.

That's fascinating,
but what about me and Robbie?

Hello, gorgeous.

Excuse me? Jas?

Washing machine syndrome or what?

- Jas?
- Okay.

- Jas?
- Jas?

- She's being really shallow.
- Hi.

- Hi. Mrs Unavailable.
- What?

We all think you've really changed
since you've got a man in your life.

Oh, come on, G.

A thong?
Have you bought your ticket yet?

- What?
- To Vulgaria, with your new best mate.

Why are you being so stroppy?
You'll always be my best mate.

Just think of it like me going
undercover and spying on her.

All right.
Now you're thinking like a best friend.

- I taught you well.
- Hurry up, girls.

Let's get physical.

What are you waving at, minger?

Listen, short arse,
keep away from my man.

He's not a cradle snatcher,
and you're not woman enough for him.

- So back off!
- I wasn't waving at anybody.

Talk to each other, ladies.
Look, she's wide open over here.

Pass the ball.

- Go on, Georgia, go on.
- Run, Georgia.

Oh, the cow. I can't believe she did that.

- That Lindsay was well out of order.
- She's a full-on bully.

- Robbie mentioned you at lunch.
- Really?

He said he was happy you found Angus.

How sweet.

He just has to get to know you
and see how brill you are.

Kirsty Walsh in upper fifth's having
a party for her sixteenth tonight.

- I got you all invited.
- Oh, wicked.

This is your chance
to impress Robbie yourself.

Oh, there's Tom. I'll see you later, gang.

- How are you?
- I'm fine, how are you?

Quick, Georgia, hide.

And did you see my second goal?
Right? It was spectacular.

I saw you floor Georgia.

Well, why do you care about her
all of a sudden?

- It was a cheap shot.
- Okay, coach.

You can give me a spanking
and I'll never do it again.

- Did you see that?
- Absolutely.

- How could you not?
- She moved in for full-frontal snogging,

but he converted it to lips-to-cheek.

Which proves
he didn't want to snog her, right?

- So right.
- Georgia?

What are you doing?

- Ellen lost an earring.
- She's wearing her earrings.

It was another one.

One she wasn't wearing.

- You're nuts.
- Hey.

- See you later.
- Oh, wait, Robbie.

I really think I owe Georgia an apology.
I'm really sorry I tripped you.

You were playing absolutely brilliantly.

- You should go up for the school team.
- Wow, Linds, that's really cool.

Yeah, she's right, you should, Georgia.

- Is my moustache showing?
- What moustache?

Well, my mum gave me this cream
to get rid of it.

You're so lucky
you don't have dark hair like me.

I know.

- But I do have to shave my armpits now.
- Well, my mum's got sideburns.

- Do you think we're sad, Georgia?
- Why?

Because we're the only two left
without boyfriends?

Oh, come on in, Mum.
The door's only closed for my privacy.

Don't be silly.
You're the fruit of my womb.

I've seen all your bits and pieces.

- Connie, paella's ready.
- Jem is such a great cook.

He could teach your dad
a thing or two, that's for sure.

Now, I need you
to baby-sit Libby this weekend

because I'm taking Jem
to my salsa class Saturday.


Because he's really passionate about it.
He's been dancing for years.

- But Dad loves to dance.
- Yeah.

Like Mick Jagger with two left feet.

Honestly, Mum. Have a bit of dignity.
You could put a hip out at your age.

Whatevers. Your mum's well wicked,
you minger.


Wonder why he's not here yet.


Come, fiasco scale 9.9 approaching.

- Peter, what are you doing?
- You never called me back.

Sorry, I've been really busy studying.

Listen, I'm really into you.
I have to kiss you.



Oh, my God!

Look at the slag's knickers.
It's like something my gran would wear.


You have to tell Robbie
that Peter's not my boyfriend.

That's not what it looked like.

You had your skirt up
around your bazoomas,

- with your knickers on full display.
- It was awful.

Why couldn't I have just banged my
head and gone into a coma

and died right there?

Why couldn't you have
worn smaller knickers?

Jas, this is serious!

I have to get Robbie alone,
away from that minging Lindsay.

You know, Tom told me he and Robbie
are going to the pool this afternoon,

- but Lindsay isn't going.
- Why didn't you tell me this before?

Honestly! Your best mate is banished
into the Valley of Humiliation

and you're withholding vital info.
Why isn't Lindsay going anyway?

She doesn't like
getting chlorine in her hair.

And she's checking out party venues.

Oh, no.
Her birthday's the same time as mine.

I don't want Lindsay to get the best club.
And I bet she's getting a killer D.J.

Well, her mum knows
Fatboy Slim's neighbour.

You have to come to the pool with me.

But I hate swimming.
It makes my hair go all frizzy.

Please, Jas.
I have to talk to Robbie or I'll just die.

Hi, Georgia!

- What a surprise to see you here!
- Yeah.

- I bring my little sister all the time.
- Why don't you go and change?

Jas, I need to speak with you urgently.

My life is a fiasco and a sham.

My mum's dumped Libby on me, so
she can go salsa with George Clooney.

We're practically orphans
since my dad left

but now I've got even bigger problems.

Oh, my God!

It'll be fine.
Just jump in when he's not looking.

Libby, this is Robbie.
Libby, stop licking Robbie.

She thinks she's part cat.

Come on, Libby,
let's go for a swim with Tom.

- Are you coming in the water, too, Jas?
- Yeah.

Well, you coming in then, or what?

Robbie, about last night...

It's cool. I mean, Peter Dyer's got a rep
as a bit of a ladies' man.

But I'm not going out with him.

- Does he know that?
- Yes, totally.

It wasn't at all what it looked like.

Well, that's good.

All right, all right, all right.

Okay, let's do handstands.

- I'm really good at this.
- Okay, you're on.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

- So, how was it?
- Great.

- I told you I was good.
- Georgia, why are your legs orange?

Oh, my God.
I'm such a sad excuse for a girl.

I thought my legs were too pale,
so I used this stupid Kool-tan cream.

Don't, stop.

Please don't look at them.

They're like giant cheesy puffs.

I'd better go. I've got
to sort some things out. I'll call you.

- He kissed you?
- Result.

- Oh, my God.
- It was magic.

Way beyond all the stuff
you're supposed to have.

- Fireworks whooshing and stuff.
- I get that with Tom.

And his lips were the perfect moisture.

Nothing like Saliva Boy.

And he did that varying pressure
Rosie says foreign boys do,

and then said,
"I have to sort some things out."

- What?
- I know. What does that mean?

- It could be anything.
- When do you think he'll call?

Tom called me the same day
he said he'd call me.

- It will probably be any minute then.
- I'm so happy for you, G.

So, let's step up the party plans.
We've got so much to sort out.

Venue, fashion statements,
colour scheme.

- You should do black and white.
- Marvy.

G, Tom's texting. I've got to go. Bye.


- Georgia?
- Hi, Dad.

Have you been on the phone? I've been
trying to get through for an hour.

How many times have I told you
not to run up the phone bill?

Nice to hear your voice, too, Dad.
Mum! Dad's on the phone.

Hi, I've been waiting for your call.

Yeah, I've been trying
to get through for ages, but Georgia's...

- Okay, Dad. End of...
- Hold on.

I've got exciting news.

Connie, Georgia, I really want you
to join me in New Zealand.

- What?
- It's fantastic here

and they love my ideas
for the new division.

They want me to run it.
It's a big promotion.

- Wow.
- Are you mad? I can't go now.

- I'm just starting to get a life.
- Georgia, don't be selfish.

I'm not. It's just, I'd be bored to death
by sheep and hobbits.

- We can't go.
- Look, Georgia.

Can we talk about this later?
This is costing me a pound a minute.

Can I speak to your mum
alone for a second?

Okay. Please don't be long.

I'm expecting
a very important phone call.


- Hey, babe.
- Hi.

Not again, Peter.
I'm still recovering from my injuries.

I'm sorry if I pushed
you too far at the party.

You just drive me crazy.

- Peter, I can't go out with you. I'm sorry.
- Why? You're my top student ever.

I may be moving away.

Okay, we'll just enjoy
each moment till then.

Look, I can't go out with you because...


Because I'm a lesbian.

Jas, who does level five snogging
then doesn't have the decency to call?

A boy who can't make up his mind?

But he said he was glad
I wasn't going out with Peter.

And then he gave me a real kiss.

I really felt something deep
in the pit of my stomach.

For goodness sake, Georgia,
stop yapping and go to bed.

It's a school night.

Well, at least you know
he doesn't think you're a lesbian.

But he could have told me
about his gig in Brighton.

- G?
- What now?

Lindsay. She's moved her party
to the same date as yours.

How did she know that was
the day of my party, anyway?

She saw my designs
for your party invite.

- What?
- Well, I was showing Tom

and she grabbed them.

Tom said they looked really artistic.

Jas. What am I going to do now?

No one's going to come to my loser
party if it's on the same night as hers.

Georgia! You have to get enough sleep
or your brain won't function.

It's a wonder you girls have
anything left to talk about.

Mum, we're having a crisis
and you're not helping.

You won't let me have
a cool party in a club,

and now everyone's going
to laugh at me for being so lame,

and no decent boys
will ever want to know me

because I'm the naff girl who had
the sad party that no one went to.

- Georgia.
- Okay, good night, Mrs Nicolson.

Jas, spill it.

Georgie, darling.

Come here.

I know what you're feeling like, honey.

It's awful when you like someone
that can't see how brilliant you are.

- Mum, what exactly has Jas told you?
- She didn't say any more than that.

And, honey, it's your business. You can
talk to me if and whenever you want.

You're such a clever, bright girl,
Georgia. Remember that.

And please,

have a look at this.

Mum, I really don't need to learn
about astronomy right now.

No, honey, this is a very special book

that will open your mind to the
curious way of the male species.

See? I already knew
boys were from a different planet.

They're infuriating.
They say one thing and mean another.


And they act like they like you
and then they just ignore you.

Then out of the blue, they decide
they want to move to New Zealand.

And don't worry too much.
I'm still trying to figure them out.

Okay, poppet? Yeah?

Come on.

Jem, sweetie, can you come here?
I need a hand.

Hi, girls. I didn't see you there.

Put your tongues away, you slappers.
I need to discuss a plan.

Can you open this for me, love?
I can never get it right.

Bottle of red?

- Mum!
- What?

I'm getting really worried. I mean, how
long can it take to decorate one room?

- If I could just show you...
- Libby called him Daddy the other day.

When's your dad coming back?

He wants to take
the job in New Zealand.

What? So you're going to move there?

No way.
My mum doesn't want to go, either.

And I can't go now,
given the Robbie situation.

- Good.
- So,

do you think your mum
will divorce your dad to stay here?

- Sorry.
- It's not a problem.

You know, you're right.
That George Clooney's well buff.

He'd never fancy your mum
in a zillion years.

- No way.
- Now, why did you call us all over?


Last night, my mum tried to have this
real woman-to-woman chat with me,

after you opened
your big gob about Robbie.

- Cringeworthy or what?
- But then she gave me this book.

It's my mum's Boy Bible,
and it told me how to get Robbie back.

- But isn't that book American?
- Yeah.

Well, then it'll be about American boys,
won't it?

No, it's about boykind.

- It says boys are like elastic bands.
- What?

What do you mean, like elastic bands?

Well, they like to be all close,
and then after a bit of being close,

they have to stretch and get far away.
And you have to let them.

- And then they come springing back.
- Okay.

So, what's your plan?

First I ask his mate,
Dave the Laugh, to the gig.

Don't worry about a glass. It's fine.

I need him for my plan,
which involves the two osities.

Maturiosity and Glaciosity.

Firstly, I have to prove to Robbie that
I'm sophisticated and grown up.

That's the maturiosity bit.

Secondly, I must be distant
and alluring, and play hard to get.

Ice cool like a glacier.
That's the glaciosity bit.

The conclusion is that Robbie comes
springing back like an elastic band.

He chucks Lindsay, and she's so upset,
she cancels her party.

You look really
gorgeous tonight, Georgia.

Thanks. You're very honest.

Dave, what's the first thing
you notice in a girl?

Well, most lads would say eyes.
But they're lying.

- It's your nunganungas.
- What?

Why do you call them nunganungas?

Well, 'cause when you
get hold of one, and then let it go

it goes nunga, nunga, nunga.

One, two.

Dave, you make me laugh
like a loon on loon tablets.

You're such a laugh!

Good evening, Brighton.
We are the Stiff Dylans.

You spurn my natural emotions

You make me feel like dirt
And I'm hurt

And if I start a commotion

I run the risk of losing you
And that's worse

Ever fallen in love with someone

Ever fallen in love
In love with someone

Ever fallen in, in love with someone

You shouldn't have fallen in love with

I can't see much of a future
Unless we find out who's to blame

What a shame


And we won't be together much longer

Unless we realise that we are the same

Hi, rock star. Great show.

- Not really.
- What's wrong?

I think I'm coming down
with a cold or something.

I was just going to go say hi
to Dave the Laugh and then...

No time.
Everyone's coming back to mine.

No, you're right.

Thanks, Dave. I had a lot of fun.
It was a laugh.

It was one of the best nights of my life.

I just want you to know,
I really... like you.

- Thanks again, Dave. Good night.
- See you soon, beautiful.

What's wrong with you?
Your plan worked.

Poor Dave. I keep seeing his face
when he tried to kiss me.

I didn't mean to lead him on.

Hi, Dave.

Is everything okay?

- I hope your elastic band theory worked.
- What?

Jas told Tom you only went out with me
to make Robbie jealous.

You're a heartless user.

- What you did, that's just pants, that is.
- I'm sorry.

And I really thought,
you thought I was a laugh.

I told you I'm sorry.

I'm so beyond the Valley of Loserville
because of you and your big mouth.

I didn't mean to tell Tom.

I was just saying how much you really
liked Robbie and it just came out.

Dave thinks I'm a heartless user.

He's going to tell everyone,
and Robbie will hate me forever.

If you weren't so loved up
with cabbage boy,

you would have thought about that
before opening your fat gob.

Oh, just stop being so jealous, Georgia.

Jealous? What? Of Tom?
He's not even good enough for you, Jas.

Do you seriously want to spend the rest
of your life picking out cabbages?

At least Robbie has bigger goals.

- He wants to do music.
- Well, at least Tom loves me.

Robbie isn't even your boyfriend.

Well, he would've been,
if you hadn't put your big foot in it.

You never wanted me
to get Robbie, did you?

You wanted to be
the one with the boyfriend.

No, it's all your own fault, Georgia.

You scared Robbie away
with all your scheming and pretending.

And you said Lindsay was fake.

- I'm never talking to you again.
- Good. End of.

And I did give you a four for your nose.

And I'm going to Lindsay's party
instead of yours.

Georgia Nicolson.
Headmistress' office, now.

You've really pissed off a lot of people.

Dave's really cut up.
He's my mate, Georgia.

I didn't mean to use him.

You never called me
when you said you would.

I handled it really badly, I know.
But I didn't want to two-time anyone.

Or hurt anybody's feelings.

So, you were thinking of
breaking up with Lindsay

- and then you were going to call me?
- Yeah.

And then I saw you with Dave at my gig.
I was gutted.

But that's different now.

Why did you tell Jas that
my brother wasn't good enough for her?

I didn't mean that. We were fighting...

Does that mean
I'm not good enough for you, either?

No, of course not.

See, I thought you were
different than that, Georgia.

But you're not. You're just a kid.
You only think about yourself.

Honestly, Becky, he drives me crazy.

He just doesn't understand how moving
to New Zealand might upset all of us.

He just doesn't get it.
We're arguing at all hours of the day.

I don't suppose
the time difference helps.

Yeah, well, exactly.

Maybe we should stay here
and let him go off on his own.

I should have left mine ages ago.
Now I can do what I want when I want.

But don't you think
the little one misses him?

No! He has the monster
every other weekend.

Which is more than he bloody did
when we were together.

- Listen, I've got to go. I'm meeting Jem.
- Lucky you!

Oh, behave. Georgia! Are you up, love?

I need you to watch Libby after school.
I've got salsa group.

- Can I help you?
- Hi.

- I'm Georgia Nicolson.
- Bob's daughter?


Would it be possible
to speak with his boss?

Well, I'm afraid Mr Hunter's
already left for the day.

- Is there something I can help you with?
- It's my dad.

He's been gone so long.

It was a great honour for him to get that
promotion. Everyone here wanted it.


- He's good at his job, right?
- Yes.

What was it you wanted
to say to Mr Hunter?

You're going to think I'm mad,

but I was going to ask him
if my dad could come back.

You see, we really don't want to
move out to New Zealand.

But we don't want him to
leave us and stay there,

and me and my little sister
really want him to come home,

and I know my mum does, too.

She just might not tell him
on the phone, because, well...

I just really don't want us to be apart.

Hi, I'm back.

Thanks, darling, for holding down
the fort. I had such a great time.

And you're making dinner, too.
How wonderful.

Georgie, I want you to know how much

I appreciate you helping out
these past few weeks.

No problem, Mum.

Georgie, you've been so good

and I'm ready to talk
about this party you want so badly.

- I don't want it any more.
- What?

But you and Jas have been
planning this for months.

I can't explain it, Mum.
I just don't want a party.

I want to go to New Zealand.

- What?
- I've been really thinking about it,

and it's a huge opportunity for Dad.
And we shouldn't stand in his way.

As his wife,
you should support him, too.

There are five things
I will do now to be more mature

and prepare for
my new life in New Zealand.

One, stop reading magazines
and do Sudoku instead,

to maximise brain size
and stop Alzheimer's.

Two, do yoga every morning and night
and cleanse my body of toxicity

by banishing all negative feelings

towards ex-best friends
and bass players.

Three, listen to dolphins,
because they're clever and unselfish.

Four, no more chips.
Only organic fruit and veg.

Although not from Robbie's shop.

Five, a new style for a new me.


I sort of need to ask you something
because you'll know.

You know, I don't blame you for
not wanting to talk to me.

What you said really hurt,
but you were right. It wasn't me.

It was beyond pants,
and I really am sorry.

I messed everything up with you,
and with Dave and your brother.

I guess I was just jealous
that Jas had a boyfriend...

I broke up with Lindsay last night.

You know, I wrote a song about you.

- Really?
- It's called Bitch In A Uniform.

I wrote it when I was pissed off with you.

But I still like you, Georgia.

- Even though you are mad.
- No, you don't.

I do.

I can't stop thinking about you.
I was hoping...

- Maybe we can go out?
- Oh, no.

- I'm moving to New Zealand.
- What?

What is wrong with you?
You're so random.

That's what I wanted to
talk to you about.

My dad's just got a job out there.
And, at first, I said I didn't want to leave.

And then my mum started acting weird
with this builder guy.

And so I said I'll go out there.

I guess I really just
don't want my folks to split up.

Hey, no one does.

At least you're doing something about it.
It's just a shame you're leaving.

No, hold my hand, you muppet,

so we can at least walk together,
so we don't look like sad gits.


I was experimenting before
I dyed the whole thing.

Don't dye it blonde.
It's much nicer natural.

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday, dear Georgia

Happy Birthday to you

- Blow them out.
- Blow out the candles.

It's from all of us.
We want you to get whatever you want.

A mobile phone? And maybe
something nice to wear for tonight.

- Why? What's happening tonight?
- We're going out dancing.

- Jem's not coming, is he?
- No, hon, just me and you.

- I'm taking you to your first night club.
- Not Tramps.

That's where Lindsay's having her party.

Tramps? That is so last year.

- We're going to a brand new club.
- That sounds great, Mum.

Shall we go and call Dad?

Well, I'm sure he'll call later.
It's the wrong time out there, so...

Okay, Libby, well, be a good girl,
won't you?

- I'm going to bed now.
- Yeah.

And I'll come and get you
in the morning.

- See you in the morning!
- Okay. All right, then.

- Night, night. Love you. Bye.
- Bye-bye.

- You look so beautiful.
- Thanks.

Come on, munchkin.

Mum, this looks pretty cool,
but it's dead.

Are you sure you got the right address?

It's supposed to be
the most happening joint in town.

Oh, Mum.

You all right?

Happy Birthday, Georgia!

Oh, my God! Mum.

Jas helped me
organise the whole thing.



There's someone else
you have to thank, too.

Jem's been an angel.

- Thanks, Jem.
- It was my pleasure.

Georgia, we have
another surprise for you.

We weren't quite sure when
the right time to do this...

- Mum!
- What?

- Please don't get divorced.
- What are you on about?


Come on.

Looking good.


- Dad.
- I told you

I wouldn't miss your birthday party.

But what about New Zealand?
We're supposed to be coming out there.

Honey, it must've been really hard
for you to come to my office.

When I heard what happened,

- well, it broke my heart.
- Dad.

Well, you made quite
an impression, little lady.

My boss ordered me home immediately.

They offered
me a great new position, here.


- We're not leaving.
- I know.

Now, why on earth did you think
I was divorcing your dad?

Divorce? What's going on?

I just thought that because you've been
wearing tight tops and more lippy,

and it looked like you and Jem were...

You see. It just looked really...

Happy Birthday, Georgia.

Jem's boyfriend owns this club.
He helped arrange all of this for you.

Interior decorator? Hello.

Your father may drive us mad
but I love him to bits.

This is the best party ever.

Put your hands in the air
and wave them like you just don't care!

Let me hear you say...

Make some noise for the Stiff Dylans!

- Who invited them?
- Your mum did.

- What?
- I know a fittie when I see one.

Now, this is a new song I wrote
and it's about Georgia.

And it's called Ultraviolet.

She is a wave
And she's breaking

She's a problem to solve

And in that circle she's making

I will always revolve

And on her sight

these eyes depend

Invisible and indivisible
That fire you ignited

Good, bad and undecided
Burns when I stand beside it

Your light is ultraviolet

Visions so insane

They travel unravelling
through my brain

Cold when I am denied it

Your light is ultraviolet

I think I broke my neck.


The fire you ignited

Good, bad and undecided

Burns when I stand beside it

Your light is ultraviolet
Visions so insane

They travel...

Before I vom over this vile song

I'd like to make one
little announcement myself.

Georgia Nicolson is a lad-nabbing letch

who can't keep her slutty minx hands
off other people's boyfriends!

Lindsay? What are you doing?

I know you're upset,
but let's be mature adults.

You're just a big, fat, minging minger

with huge knickers
and a ginormous schnozzle!

Robbie? This is your last chance.

It's either her, sad olive girl
who gets everything wrong,

or me, the woman who's
so perfect for you.

Georgia's perfect, too.

She's just a perfect nutter.

Obviously, Robbie prefers
his girlfriends unfake!

I'm sorry she tried to ruin your party.

You think I'm perfect?

I think you're mad.

You're perfect for me.

Angus looks like
he's in Brokeback Mountain.

Where is the marmalade?
I haven't even got any marmalade.

There are five things
very right with my life.

One, my mum and dad
are totally loved up.

So I don't mind them
snogging in front of us any more.

Two, Angus is a legend,
even in fancy dress.

Three, I have really top friends that
put up with me even when I act dim.

Which I'm not going to do any more.

- Okay, bye.
- Bye.

- See you, Libby.
- Bye, have a nice day.

Four, I don't care any more
about looking perfect. It's so overrated.

And five,

I don't need a nose job or blonde hair

'cause my sex-god boyfriend
likes me just the way I am.


Special thanks to SergeiK.