A Perfect Getaway Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the A Perfect Getaway script is here for all you fans of the Steve Zahn and Timothy Olyphant movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some A Perfect Getaway quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

A Perfect Getaway Script

Guys! Guys! We're doing
a video for Cliff and Cydney.

What do you want to say?

First the big studio sale.
Now the big wedding.

MVP year for
our boy, Clifford.

I fucking hate you, Anderson.

Hey, and when
you're all famous,

don't forget about your
crew from film school.

Boys in the Wood Hood!

You dance with who brung you,
Cliffie. You dance with who brung you.

I mean, you know we wouldn't be
here tonight if it wasn't for me.

I mean, I brought her to
that Black Eyed Peas concert.

I introduced them. I mean,
I basically hooked them up.



two and a half,


And when he was
ready to propose,

finally, I was the one that he
practiced on to get it right.

So, you gonna
fuck him tonight, Rita?

I already did.

Can you... Can you
give me that please?


My little brother
getting married before me.

Yeah, I wonder why. Come on.
Your armpit smells like ass, okay?

Will you let the fuck off?

I came all the way from Michigan
to do this one more time.

How does that feel?

Some of our friends did
the Kalalau Trail last year

and came back with the
most amazing pictures.

So they're going
to Maui, right?

Kauai, the last island. Right...
Right there, number five.

One, two, three, four,
five, right there.

It's called
a dollar dance.

In 1967 it was
a dollar dance.

Please, get a 50.
Get out of there.

I want you guys to know how
much I love you. I adore you.

And I hope you have the
best time on your honeymoon.

And make it something to
remember. Love you, guys.

I think they just wanted to
start off their lives together

with some kind of adventure.

The red dot.

There's the red dot.
The thing.

You comfortable?

Got the camera.
This should...

Hey, can I ask you a
question, Mr. Cliff Anderson...


...of Venice Beach,

Yes, Mrs. Cydney Anderson,

formerly Miss
Cydney Karswell,

of Pacific Palisades,

How did you
get this scar?

Oh, my God, I can't believe
I didn't notice it before.

That's a long story

and it involves
Homeland Security.

It's not funny. And me
being unexpectedly pressed

into service as
a deputy air marshal.

And I don't really
want to talk about it.

Try again! A little
less grandiose, thank you.

My brother hit me with his
skateboard when I was nine.

which brother is this?

That would be Tommy,
the dick, from Michigan.


Wait, I thought he said
Maryland at the wedding.

Excuse me,
but whose brother is this?

I'm so sorry! He's
got, like, 16 brothers, okay?

All right,
Tommy from Michigan.

A new wife should
know these things.

Feet in! Feet in! Feet in!

Christ! Are you insane?

It's a rental.

Mrs. Cydney Anderson.

Mrs. Cydney... No,
Mrs. Cydney... Listen.

You know, it's like
writing checks in January.

I know
I'm going to blow it.

You got to keep practicing.

Cliff, get back
in here! God!

I've never seen so many shades of green!

Hey, hey!
Get a picture of me!

Hey, hey!

Stop it!

Look! Look!

Oh! Whoa!

Hey, hey!
Look, look! Trekkers!


Hey! Hey, I want to do that!
Kalalau, that trail right down there!

Did it myself
back in the day.

I'll show you
what it's all for.

The most gorgeous dead end
God ever made.



You know what?
Drop me off right here.

Forget the hike.

Only two ways
in and out, Cydney.

By foot or by kayak.

But that's what
makes it so special.

Well, beautiful it is,
brother. How many days you allow?

About one day in, one day at the
beach and then another day back.

Common mistake.

What, you think
I need more?

I don't know if you need more,
but you'll sure want more.

As long as all your
permits are updated

and so on.
Yeah, yeah. See?

Okay. Yeah. 'Cause the rangers
do get out and work the trail.

So, you want to keep
these close, Cliff.

All right.

And this, too.

Did you miss me?

You know, three days
sounds plenty to me.

Nine whole minutes.

Do you realize

that's the longest we've been
apart since we got married?

You must have missed
me something awful.

This is 11.5 miles
each way, right?

Each way.

Tell me you missed me.


I'll give you
a BJ in the car.


Another one.

check this out, Cliff.

Now you gonna cross
over five valleys.

Each time you do,

you're gonna gain or lose
1,000 feet of elevation.

That's the killer.

I missed you, too, baby.

Did you go somewhere?

You're so bad!


All right.

Yeah, I know. It looks
like I robbed a bank.

It's our wedding haul!

What's up? What's up?

- How's my baby boy?
- Back from Oahu?

Glad to see you back.

Nowhere near
Honolulu, were you?

No, on the other side. Waves
were junk for three days.

More better over here. Why?
What's the stink in 'Lulu?

Maybe enough for now. Want to
help these two out to their car?

Yeah, I'll just dump my gear.
I'll be right with them.

Boy's gonna help
with your bags.

Get an early
start, brother.

Yeah, I will.

...never falter

I need your love
each and every day

All right

All right

I love our new lives!


What are you doing?

It's Hawaii.

Just because we're in Hawaii we're
gonna do things we don't normally do,

like pick up hitchhikers?

Come on. Nothing bad ever
happens in Hawaii, right?

So, how far are you going?

Lumahai Beach.

Lumahai? Lumahai? I don't
think we know that area.

It's about 10 miles ahead,
right on this road,

right by where
the big trail is.

You know that trail?

Yeah, the big trail?

But we're... But we're
not going that far. So...

So, how far do you go?

Uh... Just up
the road a bit.

So, if you guys, you know,
stay here for five more minutes,

I'm sure someone will
come along that can...

We was waiting for, like,
an hour before you stopped.

Maybe more.

Shit, I thought
this was Hawaii.


Come on.

Hey, you guys married?

Yeah, yeah,
we just got married.

Hold this. Some of these
pictures totally suck.

It's one of those
cameras you chuck.

- This one, this is a good one.
- Hey, Cleo, what are you doing?

These people want to
see less of us, not more.

Here it is.

That's us doing
the deed in Oahu.


We just woke up one morning
and decided to get married.

Pretty, isn't it?

Yeah, it's lovely.

Wait. Is this in
a grocery store?

Paula's Market. They do
it up real nice for you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's an onion.

Yeah, produce manager
took that picture.

I know it sounds
kind of tacky,

but it's pretty
frigging pretty

when they add all the little
radishes in there and stuff.

Right, that's
what those are.

Hey, baby, look, it's Kale and
Cleo getting married in Oahu.

Suitable for framing.

You know what?
We'll just drive you there.

Ten miles, I mean, listen...
We could have been there by now.

Maybe next time, huh?

Kale, don't be that way.

Baby, come on.

Come on, guys.

We don't have to make
this a bigger deal...

Cleo, get the fuck
out of this man's ride!

Well, I think we
handled that really well.

Up there!

Here we go.
Kalalau Trail.

- That's good.
- Bye, Mom!

Well, I was just
pointing and shooting.

These new things have
too many buttons for me.

Yeah, that's what you get
for buying top of the line.

I might have to break down and
actually read the manual some day.

I would love to see that.




Well, I guess
everybody else did it.

Did they really?

Show it no fear.

I think the rest of it kind
of washed away or something.

Okay, watch me. Keep your
eyes down, your speed up,

avoid those green rocks
and just be fearless.

Well, he made that
look easy.

Yeah, but he's not
wearing a whole

Dave's World of Camping
store on his back.

All right, ready!

World record, baby.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, my God!

You got it.

Okay. Thank you.

You did great.

Come on, baby,
you can do it.


Did I almost just
die right there?

Come here, come here, come here.

Are you okay?


I was doing so well,
I thought.


Hey! What's your name?

Have we met before?

Because when I
first saw you guys,

I was getting
a little déjà vu-y.

- No. No.
- No.

Nowhere I remember, Nick.

That face.

Are you an actor?

No, no, no.

I haven't seen you on TV?

No such luck. No.

Actually, Cliff is a screenplay
writer. He's very sought-after.

All the big movie studios
want him to do their projects.

I knew I smelled fame and fortune
on you. A screenplay writer?

We just say screen...

Any movies I might know?

Well, actually my...

My first script is in
pre-production right now.

So, if you ask me again
the same time next year...

Who's in it?

Still trying to figure that
out. Still casting out, so...

Well, Nic Cage is
always money in my book.

I like how he
gets all intense

right at
the end of a sentence!

So, you got
a good Act 2 twist?



Are you in
the business, Nick?

Me? No, no.
I just took some course,

one of those
writing boot camps.

I've had so many ass-puckering
experiences in life,

I figured, "Hell, I'll
just throw it down on paper

"and make myself
a million bucks.' '

Yeah. It's not
that easy, is it?

I liked it all,
except the paperwork.

You know, actually
making pages, it's just...

But I got the basics down.

Three acts, hero with a journey,
red snappers. All that shit.

Red snappers?

Yeah. You know,

you bring in a character just
to fuck with the audience,

just to try and
throw them off track...

It's a herring.
It's a red herring.

I'm pretty sure
it's a snapper.

Excuse me while
I shake the bush here.

So, you're, like,
halfway to famous, Cliff?

Pretty much.

Yeah, there's a whole big crew
getting ready in Vancouver,

building sets and stuff.

But they're there,
you're here.

Yeah. Yeah.
It's hard to explain,

but they brought in another
guy to do a quick rewrite. So...

On your story?

Yeah, just a two-week
punch-up. They... It's common.

Yeah, how long ago
was this?

It's nine weeks now.


No. That's fucked up. That's your
vision, Cliff. That's your baby.

You can't let them
get away with that shit.

He's got these agents
and they don't do...

I mean, they don't
fight for him or anything.

And I was just telling
Cliff the other day...

Not that "me" isn't
my favorite subject,

but maybe we could talk about
something else for a while.

Well, I'm going to leave you
with one last pearl of wisdom.

Get a new agent?
You get a new story.

Me, too!

I have one! No!
Wait a minute.

What should we do?
Should we go up

or should we
just go back down?

This is supposed to be
the best service, ever.

I don't care.

Did you hear about Oahu,
what happened there?

Why? What happened?

Well, my dad just
called from KCK.

Reception's, like,
major shit out here.

But he said something
about some murders.


There's no service.

Flat line.

I'm in and out,
mostly out.

This is in Honolulu?

Dad wants us to leave.

I think he's in major
overreaction mode, okay?

Some newlyweds were
killed somewhere, he said.

That's what happened.


That's awful.

I mean, we were just there,
like, the day before yesterday.

We have been planning this for,
like, five-and-a-half months!

Does he not even know
it's a different island?

What did your dad say?

I mean, do they know who did
it? Do they know anything?

He says that they're
looking for two people.

A man and a woman.
That's all I got.

It's like that movie, huh?
Natural Born Killers.

Oh, my God, that movie,
like, totally freaked me out.

When his head was doing
that thing... Majorly.

Well, what do you think?

I mean,
it was Oahu, not here.

Well, speak now or
forever hold your peace.

Well, hey, I mean,
it's our honeymoon, right?

Why don't you guys
come with us?

We're going all the way to Kalalau
Beach, all the way to the end.

Wait, you guys are,
like, newlyweds?


Have a swell honeymoon.


Stop! Don't make me run.

You guys are such cowards.

Well, I exit here. Be safe.
Some hard yards ahead.

Are you... Are you
camping over at Secret Falls?

I read all about it
in the guidebook.

Yeah, just for the day.

I had to run back to the
truck for a little butane.

Well, how close is it?

Well, it's like
everything else in Hawaii.

It's as close
as far away gets.


It sounds so romantic.

Yeah, but I'd like to get
to the beach by sunset.

But it's only like, what, like, a
mile or something? It's, like, nothing.

Honey, come on. Maybe we
should give the man his privacy.

Don't matter to me.
Plenty of Eden to go around.



One mile?

One. Serious?


Hey, wait up!


Well, I do believe
she's clotheless.

Hey, there.

I do believe he is, too.

This is Gina!

Did he mention
Gina before?

Crazy-ass love of
my crazy-ass life!

He has now.

Okay. So, they're,
like, a couple?

Y'all coming in or what?

Baby, are we
going in or not?

Yeah, in a minute. Let me see
if I can get some reception.


That's nice.

I hope we're not intruding
on your private paradise here.

Forget it, Nicko's always
bringing home strays.

Mrs. Cydney Anderson.
We're newlyweds.

Miss Gina Struggs.
We're not.

You are so dead.


Here we go. Come on.

"Thursday on Oahu. Possibly
mainlanders on their honeymoon.

"Teeth and
fingerprints removed.

"Have reason to believe killers
may have jumped islands to Kauai.' '

Are you shitting me?

No, these girls on
the trail told us.

I feel like
maybe we saw someone.

They know who it was
who did the killing?

I don't think so.

"Security cameras
released photo of suspect.' '

You know what I heard? A few
people die out here every year.

They just stand under a waterfall,
get hit by some falling rock.

Or maybe they just slip and
go right on over. Vanish.

Who knows how? Or even why.
Could be the wages of sin.

How you doing, Hot Wheels?

I'm good.

That's two lies in one day. It
comes naturally to you, don't it?

Are you following us, Kale?

You know, it ain't the fact
that you deceived us.

Every man's got a pack
of lies in him, right?

It's just that you thought we
was foolish enough to buy it.

I'm sorry, I don't...

What did you think,

Just 'cause we choose
to look a certain way

that makes us,
what, desperados?

No, I don't think...
Jesus, man.

You know, sometimes it feels
like the whole world's just

spitting in my face.

Excuse me.

Look. I thought you said you
were going to Lumahai Beach.

"Going to that area.' '
That's what we said.

Well, you didn't say you
were doing the trail, so...

Well, neither did you.

Look. We offered you a ride. You
didn't want it. You didn't take it.

So, I don't really understand
what the issue is between us.


Joy and happiness here?

No, I think we're good.


How far you going,
Hot Wheels?

Playing it by ear. You?

Probably the next beach.

What's it called?


That one, yeah. Maybe
there, maybe further.

Need permits to go further.

Should have
given us a ride, man.

Come on.

So, after a $45 taxi ride, we
wind up at the Ocean View Hotel.

Sounds nice, doesn't it?

Problem is it hadn't actually
had an ocean view since 1987,

when these high-rises
went up across the street.

Jesus. Everyone's like,
"Waikiki is so great!"

Honestly, it's getting
on my last nerve.

Are we okay?

Yeah. Let's keep an
eye on our time, okay?

Yeah, but do those packs belong
to who I think they belong to?

Yeah, they said they were
doing the trail all along.

I don't know,
maybe they were.

Shit, it's 1:30 already.
Come on, let's go.

Hey, baby,
you want to break this down?

We should be
clackalacking, too.


Thank you.

So, you guys don't
mind if we tag along?

I mean, we're all
going to the same place.

It's fine with me.

Yeah. Are you kidding?

Did you take the permits?

No, I didn't touch them.

Well, I put them right
here in this brochure.

Did you leave
them at the store?

No. I'm pretty sure I put...
No, I'm positive I put... Shit!

While we're
still young, Cliff?

Yeah, one sec!

We leave no man behind.

These are some hard yards.

Guess you can't have rainbows
without a little rain. Right?

You hear that Cliff here
is a big screenplay writer?

You write for the movies?


Yeah, we say

He's on the prowl for
a new story. Sorry.

You know, I could tell
you shit you ain't seen

in no Hollywood movie before.

You watch yourself now.


What, what?
You know what.

Maybe Cliff here can change
the names to protect the guilty.

You guys do that
in movies, right?


You know Johnny Depp?
He knows Nic Cage.

You see him playing me in some movie?

Baby, you know Nic Cage?

Yeah. Yeah, I do now.

No. See, me, myself, I like
that Johnny Depp better.

I mean, he is just dreamy. I
mean, the way he looks at you.

Jesus Christ. Honey!
It all starts with story.

Am I right, Cliff?


You know, I once made a surprise
visit in a certain dictator's palace

on the Tigris River?

Newly evacuated. Still
smell the Havana tobacco

hanging in the air.

We were tasked with finding
perishable intel, computer dish,

shit like that.

But in the master bathroom,

about the size of fucking
Ethiopia, by the way,

there's golden
dolphins for faucets.

There was this lock box
bolted to the floor,

had his initials
engraved on top.

We started beating on
that fucking lock...

Wait, Iraq?
You were in Iraq?

Yeah, first in.

Me and my wolf pack.

Fuck those pictures you saw of
the 4th Infantry. That was later.

What I'm giving you now
is God's real shit.

He is not supposed to be
talking about this stuff.

So, inside this box,
I figured maybe cash,

maybe a set of
pearl-handled pistolas.

Hell, maybe some damn fine
presidential-grade hashish.

We finally burned it open
with a 50-grain det cord.

It's a handy tool, det cord. Yeah.

Wrap it around a tree,
three-feet thick.

Drop it across a trail when
someone's hot on your ass.

Remember that trick.

Yeah. A det cord.
That's a nice detail.

Well, you gotta get
the details right, Cliff.

Otherwise, we're just making
another big craptastic movie.

So, we opened this thing.
What do we find?

What do we find?
What do we find?

Iron Man. Avengers. Dude was
a Silver Age Marvel freak.

And you know what he had most
of in his own personal stash?

I don't know, Nick.
I wasn't there.


All in French What?
For some reason.

Namor, prince of the deep?

Why Sub-Mariner? Isn't that,
like, one of the shit titles?

One theory,
tug-job material.

Mr. Presidente had a thing
for French-speaking fellows,

little Speedos and
big spears. One theory.

So, you were,
like, Special Ops.

What were you?
Seals? Rangers?

I'm only allowed to say

that I've been
a sworn officer

participating in a tactical
phase of certain missions

that would make most
men want to crawl up

and hide inside
their own assholes.

And unofficially?

I'm a goddamn American Jedi.

Possible title
number one, by the way.

Hey. See this?

Took a frag from a Bouncing
Betty. It's an antipersonnel mine.

Caved in the back
of my fucking head.

Medevaced out to Germany.

Got my skull rebuilt
with space-age titanium.

Can't go through a metal
detector without ringing cherries,

but that's cool.

Lets me travel with Gilligan
just about wherever I want.


My little buddy.

That's some toothpick.

Here's the kicker, though. When I
took that shrapnel, I never felt it.

I mean, I felt the impact and
I felt my backside go all wet,

but no real pain.

Now, maybe I don't
recall events in full.

They did scoop out a little gray
Spam back there, but get this.

My wolf pack? They will
swear that I was ambulatory

for more than 17 minutes

before they forced me
to lie down. Tackled me.

Even then I was looking to
monkey-fuck a Marlboro Light.

There's no nerve endings
in the brain, Cliff.

Remember that when
you write the scene.

Yeah. There's some
really good details there.

Yeah, he's really
hard to kill.

Hey. Y'all make it
to the beach?

Yeah, it's great.
Just keep going.

Hey. You see any rangers up ahead?

None that I saw.

It's only, like, three
miles to the beach, we hope?

Yeah, but lots of
twists and turns ahead.

Hey, the further we go, the
fewer people on the trail.

And your point is?

Back there.
Pretend you gotta pee.


The cops in Honolulu released
a photo of the killers.

Apparently, they didn't know
they were on camera.

Come on.


It could be anybody.

Are you sure about that?

They don't look
familiar to you?

Y'all good or what?

Having a bathroom break!

You are freaking me out!
It could be anybody.

I mean, what do we really
know about these people

aside from him
and his stories?

Which, I might add,
are starting to sound

more and more
bullshitty to me.

Next thing we're
going to find out

he's got the heart of
a baboon or something.

I think he's just
trying to impress.

I mean, you know, he thinks
you're going to write a movie

about his life
or something.

What do we know?

Well, she's from Savannah. Her
father is a controlling military shit.

She rebelled. She met
Nick in South Carolina,

but he reminded her
too much of Daddy.

He chased her until finally
giving up and moving on,

but that's when she got
interested in him, of course.

It's their first
time in Hawaii.

They thought Waikiki
was a little Las Vegas,

but they love
it here on Kauai.

Girls talk.

So, they were
on Oahu, too.

I guess they were.

Interesting guy, Cliff.


First man ever who wants to
talk while he's in the bathroom.

What is going on
back there?

You keep shaking that bush
so we know you're there.

Keep shaking
that bush, Luke!

I mean, we're supposed to be
on our honeymoon. Okay?

So, slow down that
overactive brain of yours

'cause I want to
enjoy myself here.

Babe, we're gonna be fine.

Well, I guess the beach
will still be there tomorrow.

Yeah, I hope we are.

All right. We got macaroni and
cheese with real imitation cheese.

Honey, that's a vegetable
dish where I come from.

What else you got?

Vegetarian corned beef hash.

What is vegetarian
corned beef hash?

That is suspicious,

but I might dig into that

before eating
chicken omelet surprise.

What's so bad about that?

Well, the surprise is that they're
gonna take the egg out of the chicken,

whip it up, and then put the
chicken back into the egg.

That's good reflexes,
for a writer.

I love that stuff.


What, what?

What do you mean,
"What, what"?

What's everybody
looking at?

Whatever he's looking at.

Probably just a goat. There's
a lot of them in these valleys.

I haven't seen any goats.

I don't expect
you would, Cliff.

Your situational awareness kind
of sucks. That's not a knock.

You're a screenwriter.
I'm a Jedi.

That's just
different paths we chose.

Think they kill them first?

Or he just drown in there?

I always wondered.

No, I'm good.

Just so I know whether
or not to be offended,

"situational awareness.' '

What's the first thing you do
when you step onto a plane?

Maybe you have a sip
of that fine champagne?

You do fly in
first class, right?

I put away my shit,
like everyone else.

Well, when I board a plane, making
my way back to the cheap seats,

I clock every door.

I pace off the distance
between those exits and my seat.

That plane loses
power on takeoff,

I can make egress in
the dark, totally blind.

If the aisle crowds up, I'm going
to climb over the back of 36D,

guy with that shiny-ass toupee,
make the over-the-wing exit.

And I know the handle
swings down, not up.

And I know the door
swings in, not out.

And I know all that
inside of 30 seconds,

before they even pop the cork for
you up there in Hollywood class.

See, if you wait till the emergency
happens before you decide what to do,

you're already dead.

What chance do you have
of that happening?

Happened in Sioux City.

Sioux City?

DC-10. It rolled
four times on landing.

Wound up in an Iowa
cornfield, 112 people dead.

Yeah, I remember seeing that on TV.

I saw it from the inside.

He is really hard to kill.

Let's go.

Hey! What are you going
to do with that thing?

Dinner. Come on.

Dry underwear,
but thanks, though.

Here, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Come on, kitty, kitty.
Kitty, kitty.

Excuse me?

It's no problem.

You want to stay in the
kitchen with the lady folks,

you stay.

Yeah, I'm an adult,

so that kitty noise, that's
not... Doesn't work anymore.

You know,
it crossed my mind

that it crossed your mind
that we're the ones.

Me and Gina.

The ones who...

It's okay, Cliff.

That's your screenplay-writer
mind working its magic,

spinning shit every which
way. You gotta think like that.

What? The killers?

"The Gruesome Twosome.' '

Possible title number two.

See, now I think your
mind's spinning, Nick.

So, you think it's
just a coincidence

we were there at
the same time on Oahu?

Just like Cydney
and I were there.

Just a lot of people on Oahu
when the murders happened.

That's the way
you look at it?

That's exactly how
I look at it, Nick.


Though it would make
a hell of an Act 2 twist.

We're not really hunting
goats here, are we?


Then mind telling me what the
hell we are doing out here?

We got us a shadow.
Two of them.

Haven't identified them as hostile
yet, but they passed by our camp,

double backed
for a second look

and then they took cover
somewhere in here.

I know,
you didn't see them.

People from the Falls?

It's someone else.

All right, should get
back to camp. Come on.

Gina could take
care of herself.

I was thinking
about Cydney.

Gina could take
care of her, too.

Are you just so fucking with me, Nick?

If I was the killer,
I wouldn't stay in Oahu.

I'd come right here.


I'm a little
worried about Cliff.

He's not really, you know,
the bow and arrow type.


Boys are happiest
when they're hunting

something they
can't quite catch.

Besides, gives us
a little time together.

No, dope's not
really my thing.

So, what is
your thing, Cydney?

'Cause we really
hadn't heard yet.

It would sound
kind of boring to you.

Well, try me.

Well, we've been working
really hard at getting pregnant.

We're gonna have five kids,
two boys and three girls,

and they'll be beautiful
beyond belief, of course.

We wanna get a place in the
Palisades, close to one of the bluffs.

Take long walks
in the summertime,

and watch all
the boats come in.

You know, and it'll just
be us, you know, our family.

And I guess, you know, I'll
just be happy being called Mom

and Mrs. Cydney Anderson

for a while.

You know, there was this
preacher back in Georgia

and he used to tell all us
kids how we would rot in hell

for having sex outside
the sanctity of marriage.

And then one day, you know,
bless his little heart,

his wife caught him out back the
Waffle House with some hooker.

A hooker with
a really big dick.

Yeah. So, now
when people wanna tell me

how so fucking
perfect their lives are,

I don't believe them.




I do lie about my
old life sometimes.

See, when my parents stopped
slapping the crap out of each other

and split up,

they decided that they
could have two kids each.

The problem was
there was five kids,

so I did the foster
scare thing for a while

and that only lasted until
I met this guy named Rocky.

He was a couple
of years older.

And it's so funny.
Everyone in the neighborhood

thought he was like this fine,
young gentleman, you know.

But I saw something different
in him, something risky,

something crooked and cool.

Didn't hurt that he had
his own truck, neither.

He did.

Wrong paint on one door, but damn,
he had some nice chrome wheels on it.

Yeah. I know Rocky.

Yeah, this one night, he
drove me out onto the lake.

And it was
hot and raining.

And I had the top
button of my shorts

all undone for this guy, you know,

and just hoping this is
why we came down here.

Oh, God.

You know, I remember the way
the cracks in the vinyl seat

were pinching
the back of my legs.

You know,
and that was bothering me,

but what he was doing with
his fingers sure wasn't.

And suddenly, he's in my
hand, all slippery and nice,

and he's about to go off.

And I'm about to come for,
like, the first time, ever.

And then he puts
the headlights on.

And he makes me get
out of the car to go...

Go look at something
over by a pile of leaves.

And it was Goldie,
the neighbor's Labrador.

And he still had...

He still had the panty hose
wrapped around his neck

from when he had
hung it from a tree.

He said he would kill me
if I ever told anybody.

Well, did you
ever tell anybody?


Right now.


You know, it always amazes me how
much people talk about themselves

when they're on vacation.

Talk to people
they only just met.



Hey, what you doing?

Cliff, yeah?
Cliff Anderson.

What are you doing?

I thought that was you, but then
I seen four peeps instead of two,

you know,
I got all mixed up and...

But what are you doing here? Why are
you following us and who is that female?

That's my bitch, Jessie.

But what are you
doing here?

Your permits, brother.

You had leave them
at the store, okay?

You came all
this way just to...

Auntie thought
you needed them.

This ain't
the mainland, brother.

We do this shit
here, okay?


All right. All right,
I'm sorry. Okay? Easy.

No, no, no. Hey,
I'm sorry. I'm...

I guess we're all
just stressed

with those killers being over
here now. I'm really sorry.

No, no, no.

On this island?

My papers, brother.

I... I saw a news
report on it. You didn't?

No. I don't
watch the news.

It's way too

Hey, just... Why don't you come back
to camp and have some dinner with us?

Okay? You and
your bitch friend.

Thanks, but you know what, I'm not feeling
the running stream of love over here,

you know what I mean?
Here's your permits.

I'm gonna head on back to town.
Careful on that trail. Huh?

Mess you up good
unless you know it good.

Hey, babe, where you been? Are you okay?


Where's Nicko at?

Last time I saw him,
he was up in...

I don't know,
over there.

Well, look at that.

Yeah, baby,
look at that.

Hold this
for me, Cliff.

One to the neck, I broke
it off. The body's clean.

Okay, baby,
you are a man in full,

but how's about putting the head
that way so the blood runs downhill

instead of all over our
shit? Again, Cliff, thank you.

Okay, and how's
about you make sure

to cinch off
the esophagus this time

so you don't
foul the meat?

Oh, I'm sorry, are you
going to do this or am I?

Hey, I ran into your friends.
They looked a little spooked.

What did you say to them? Just...

Hey, Cliff,
can I see that thing?

Thank you.

See, I spent a summer in the meat
department at the Piggly Wiggly,

so this ain't
nothing to me.

But if you're squeamish...

You wanna get all the way
back here, the anus.

And now what
you want to do is

get the bag,
the gut bag, out.

I mean, I find that more
interesting than gory, really.

You guys hungry?

You might wanna
bury that.


These two have graduated to
the official crazy category.

You know that, right?

So, let's just pack our
bags and get out of here.

We can make up
some excuse. We can...

What, like what? Like, "We
think you're the killers?"

No, but we can...

We can say one of us doesn't
feel good or something.

Look, we don't have to
go through with this.

We can just
pack up our bags.

Look, it was hard
enough getting in here.

We can't just leave.

What do you suggest?

It's only two more
miles to the beach, right?

Two long miles.

I know, but I think we
have to ride this thing out.

Keep Nick talking.

Keep him thinking
he's going to be

the star of some
Hollywood movie.

Keep them both happy so that
everybody gets to the beach alive.

But we keep
our game face on.

Do not let them know
that anything is wrong here.

Do you understand me?
Hey, do you understand me?

Can you
hold that for me?

I just thought we were
gonna have a real honeymoon.

Rise and shine.
It's your wake-up call.

Out of the tent now.

Outside now.

We want to see
everybody's smiling face.

Shit! It was
only one goat.

This is
the Kauai County Police.

We want you face down
on the ground now.

We want to see your hands.
Show me your hands.

I repeat. Do not...

These boys are
coming in heavy.

You might want to hang back,
let them do their thing.

Get down on
the ground! Fucking pigs!

Fuck you messing
with us for, man?

We ain't got nothing
to do with it, nothing!

Let's hold it
right there.

What the hell
did they do?

Can't say.

Fucking groping me!

All right, man,
all right! Relax!

Does it have something to do
with the murders on Honolulu?

Really can't say.

Wait a minute. It's those
guys! It's Kale and Cleo.

They think it's them.

Hey, baby, don't worry! Relax!
They ain't got nothing on us!

I'm gonna sue
your fucking ass!

Hey, go ahead, man.
Look all you want.

Think there's a gun in
there? Show me a gun.

Kale! Kale!

We almost picked
these guys up in our car.

Baby! Baby, don't let
them take me! Let me out!

What the fuck, man?


You know,
I have to admit,

I thought it might
have been you guys.

What? You're joking!

So much for our
game face, huh?

I can't believe it 'cause
I thought it was you.

Oh, my God, it is!

You! The killer.

Well, whoopty-tah!

Ample time to
sunset, too, huh?



Hey, you guys, can you get a shot
of us, in front of this rainbow?

Baby, I look like hell.

Oh, come on.
No, you look great.

You're a good liar.

All right,
here you go.


Just point
and shoot it, huh?


Okay. Rolling.
Go ahead.


We survived the trail and our honeymoon.

Hut. Hut.

Hey. Hey!

Hey, there's sea caves
down the coast.


Read about that. West-southwest,
around this point, I guess.

Well, let's do it.

No, I cut a deal
with these guys.

I got two kayaks,
one hour, 40 bucks.

And, no, you don't owe me 20.

Yeah, I just
got plans is all.

What kind of plans
could you have?

Covert plans.

You do know how
to handle a kayak?

Pallie, I've done
shark fishing in a kayak.

Coast of Alaska.

Caught a 400-pound
salmon shark.

He put up a hell of a fight, but
you know who's gonna win that battle.

Nick, are any
of your stories true?

You want me to send you pictures? Yeah.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, it'll give us a chance
to talk about our movie deal.


Tell her I'll be back for
a sunset walk! Me and Gina.

Where are they going?


The sea caves!
They won't be long!

Son of a bitch.

Nick! Wait! Don't go!

Come back!

Hey, what is she saying?

I don't know.

Come back, come back.

She's got a nice bounce
to her, though, don't she?


I'm coming back!

Damn it! Nick!

Come on, come on, come on, come
on. Come on, come on, come on.

Stupid hunk of shit!


What, are you
running out of gas?

Our own tactical
frequency, huh?

I just want to make sure
we get you back in time.

Copy that. Jedi out.

Jedi out.


Shit. Where are you?

Hey! Gotta ask you something.


What is that...

"Shake that bush.' '
What does that mean?

Kidding me?

What, it's some
Special Ops lingo?

"What we've got here is
failure to communicate.' '

It's Paul Newman
in Cool Hand Luke.

Right before he breaks
from the chain gang.

You should know that.

I should, yeah.

He goes in alive.

Well, the stories
were great, Nick.

They're really helpful.

They're really helpful.

But your "situational awareness,"
it actually kind of sucks.

Call me Nick.

Rule number one?

Never cut
forensics a break.

It always amazes me how
much people talk about themselves

when they're on vacation.

Talk to people
they just met.

It always amazes me how much
people talk about themselves

when they're on vacation.

Talk to people
they just met.

How did she say it?

It always amazes me how much
people talk about themselves

when they're on vacation.

Talk to people
they just met.

Wait. What was
the other one?


We say screenwriter.

We say screenwriter.

We say screenwriter.

I'm gonna give you
some looks.

Yep, working on
a two-week punch-up.


And we invited... I had
to invite my other sisters.

You know,
my sorority sisters.

I basically
hooked them up.

Check this out! Hello!

Yeah, we're in
pre-production in Canada.

My little brother
getting married before me.

Hey, bartender!
Another beer over here!

Hey, my brother's a dick!

I don't know why I'm telling you
this. I just came here to dance.

You dance with who brung you,
Cliffie. You dance with who brung you.

I absolutely love you.

That's my friend.

Just the most
magical weekend.

Our wedding haul!
Our wedding haul!

Magical. Magical.

This is the happiest day
of my life.

She was kind of
classy, huh?

Hey, rule two,

keep your game face on.

Come on, honey.

Babe, get a picture of me
with Honolulu in the back.

Uh, I have
a better idea.

Come on, come on, come
on! Let's get the both of us.

Right there!
It's right there!

Excuse me.

Come on, run, run!
We got to run!

Wait, wait, wait!

Oh, crap!



We made it,
we made it!


Maybe that wasn't
the one to Kauai.

Pretty sure it was, doll,
baby. No, no, no, no.

It was probably the one
to Maui, smaller boat.

We're looking for
something more substantial,

something with
some big-ass...

Wanna look
right there?

Pretty sure it was.

Let's see how much
time we need to kill.

You know, if you were
so frigging smart,

you'd play stupid
once in a while.

That'd be your job.

I can show you?

Well, not me, but see that
dangerously handsome man over there?

When he comes in here and
asks you what I was looking at,

can you show him this ring?

And that one.

And let's not deny him that
little rascal right there.

Seems like he's more interested
in water sports right now.

Well, that's just an operational
cover. Trust me, he is watching us.

Any second now he's
going to come on in here,

drag me out and
then forget something.

Need to double back
and ask you all private-like

what it was that
I was looking at.

Been playing
this game a while?

Nicko. I love him to tears, but
he does take his own sweet time.

Anytime, hon.

You know what? Also, show
him that one right there.

Okay. Just those four.


I left my drink.

Well, let's go back and
get it. No, no, no, no.

I'll get it. Here. Um...

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I'll wait right here.

And let's not forget this
little rascal, right here.


So, I take it you're
planning the next step?

Oh, I got plans.

Covert plans.

I'm going to make a sunset
proposal on Kalalau Beach.

Okay, I just need to make sure
that this isn't going to be,

you know, underwhelming
compared to whatever's stuck

inside of that twangy
little head of hers.

You know what?
Let me...

Is that gonna work?

If it's truly
gonna disappoint her,

I'll roll over and
play dead for you.

I'm gonna be the easiest
mark you ever had.

Just please,
help me get it right.

Gina is gonna be the first and
last for me. She is the one.

Well, to tell you
the truth,

I think she'll love
anything you give her.

So, you didn't
buy anything?

What would I want
to buy in there?

I don't know.
I mean, you just...

You know,
it took you so long,

I was thinking
maybe they got you.

No, no,
I got away clean.

Hey, it's 1600.
We should catch that ferry.

Where's your drink?
God damn it!

No! You big dope.

This is the scene right now in
the harbor area near Pier 19,

where, late today,
a city trash collector

stumbled across what appears
to be another double homicide.

Come on, this ain't got
nothing to do with us.

Congratulations, Mr. Anderson.
It's part of the honeymoon package.

you're the best.

Take this.

the main compound
used in gasoline additives,

like the one Irene
allegedly swallowed.

The forensic investigation

Examiners analyzed
Irene's blood samples

by using a gas...

Fucking repeat.

Tell me it'll never end.

It'll end.

Trick is to have
more starts than ends,

keep this whole C- world
always playing catch-up.

All I wanna do is
catch up on my sleep.

Rule number three...

Go away with your rules.

Okay? Nothing is getting me
off this balcony today.

You are such
an incredible asshole.


Hey, never wear the same
skin too long. Keep moving.

Hey, baby, look, it's Kale and
Cleo getting married in Oahu.

Suitable for framing.

While we're
still young, Cliff.

One sec.

Here's your permits.

I'm gonna head on back to town.
Careful on that trail. Huh?

Mess you up good
unless you know it good.

Hey, wait a minute.

Hey, maybe you are allowed
to carry guns out here.

Guns? No, no.
Who got guns?

A guy named Kale,
runs with a girl named Cleo.

I think it was a 9mm. I'm not
too good at these things, so...

Maybe when you get back you can
tell somebody about it, okay?

Let the cops decide
if it's important or not.

You keep shaking that bush
so we know you're there.

Keep shaking
that bush, Luke!

What is this idiot
talking about?

I say we let Nick keep
pitching his stories,

let him dig
his own grave.

This isn't Honolulu, and he's not
some soft-boy screenplay writer.

What? You actually
buy this Jedi shit?

Gets his skull opened by a
landmine and just walks it off?

He's trying to
impress me.

Me, because he thinks that I'm
gonna make a movie about his life.

Everything becomes
exaggerated and overblown.

Trust me. I know a
narcissist when I see one.

This guy, amateur hour.


I don't know. If half
his stories are true...


I know exactly what he is.
He has no clue what I am.

That's the advantage
that we exploit.

We'll do it
on the beach.

There'll be people there.


I just think
we're rushing.

Don't tell me you're
starting to like Gina.

See, that's
your mistake.

You get too close.
You get too attached.

Maybe I'm starting
to like Cydney.

Bigger mistake.

She's a nice girl.

Now, I want you to start thinking about
me the way Cliff would think of her.

Even if it's not real,

even if you're physically
incapable of feeling anything,

I'd like you to
pretend that part, too.

We're supposed to be
on our honeymoon. Okay?

This is one of the most beautiful
places on Earth, rain or shine.

So, slow down that
overactive brain of yours.

I want to enjoy
myself here.

Babe, we're gonna be fine.

Sometimes it seems like
nothing exists until we get there,

until we put our eyes on it.

Like the whole fucking
world was manufactured

for our wants
and needs, you know?

Think it'll be
a nice sunset?

I mean, like, if I take...

If I just turn my head, you
know, for just a minute and...

But don't tell me. But
does everything just stop?

Just shut down, go into some
energy-saving hibernation mode

till I choose to
reactivate them by simply...

You should say sweet
stuff to me sometimes.

Look at this.
Look at this.

I mean, fucking idiots, man.

Just say it.

How many times
do I need to tell you?

If there's anyone in this world
that I could love, it's you.

Why is that never enough?

Just forget about it.

Look, you helped create this
fevered dream of immortality.

You are
the privileged witness

who's going to help me
lead 100 different lives.

How about this
for a new rule?

Always be sincere
even if you're not.

I know that
in some bent way

your need for detachment
fits my need for attachment.

That's it.

It's fitting fuck and a
fucking fit. I get it, okay?

Let's stop lying
to ourselves, okay?

I'm not lying now.

I love the idea
of loving you.

And I love hearing it.

It's sick and it's sad.

Does that make
me crazy, Rocky?

Am I crazy? Am I?

It makes you exciting.

Well, whoopty-tah.





Who is this?

Hello, my name is Woody

and I'm calling to make sure
you're getting the most

out of your AT& T calling
plan. Sweet, flaming Jesus,

you don't work
the whole time.

Where're you at?
What state are you in?

I'm not supposed to say.

Okay, Woody, there's been
some murders in Honolulu.

Maybe you've heard,
maybe you haven't.

But they are coming after
me and I need your help.

Can you do this for me,
Woody? Woody, are you there?

I hear your
concerns, Madam,

but with our free-to-roam
plan, we can offer you

more minutes regardless
of the time of day...

Screw the calling plan
and listen to me good, okay?

You're going to be
my 911 boy, okay, Woody?

All right. I need you to call the
Princeville, Kauai Police Department,

and you tell them that
I can have the killers

to the Kalalau Beach
in about 30 minutes.

Can you do that
for me? Woody!

I'm placing you
on a brief hold.

No! No, you do not
put me on hold!

You do not check
with your supervisor.

I need you to
just do it! Okay?

And I also need you
to maybe call

for some air ambulance
or something because...


Hello, Madam?


Please tell me that
you will do this for me.

Please, please,
please, please.

Swear to me that you will.

This is in the Pacific Ocean?


God, I hope you're
recording this call!

Yes, it is
in the Pacific Ocean!

- Yes, it is one of the five islands!
- More to the left.

I'm on Kauai,
in the Hawaiian

chain of islands.

You are almost there.
A little more, baby.

Right there.


She got a call off!

Ask for help
back at the beach!

Remember, nothing exists
until we get there.

Got it.

But, Rocky, nothing
exists until I get there.

Here I come, baby.

Whoa, whoa!

Didn't mean to scare you. But
you haven't seen two dudes,

two kayaks?
He shot my boyfriend!

He shot me
in the fucking hand.

So, let's just go back to
the beach. Let me see that.

No! Let go of me! Let go!

Hey, listen to me.
I'm an EMT. Okay?

I don't care who you are.
If you let me take a look,

I can help you. Let's get
her down. I need to go, okay?

'Cause he is right behind
me. No! Let me... No!

Hold on. Calm down.

Come here.
Come here, come here.

Let me take
a look at that shot.

Okay. Okay, I'll go down.
You're in shock, okay?

I'll go down.
Calm down. Calm down.

Okay, and there's
going to be help...


Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Get her, get her.

Put her down. Listen to me! You're safe!

Calm down.

He was right behind
me just a minute ago.

You don't understand.
Who are you talking about?


You feeling better?




Relax. Relax. We need
to go right now, okay?

Do you hear me?

She's a friend of my wife. She has
a little issue with crystal meth.

Okay? Normally
she's pretty functional,

but obviously
this ain't normal.

He killed my Nicko!

Come on!

He wants to be us!
That's what he wants, okay?

Him and his girlfriend
want to be us!

She's iced out of her mind right
now. I mean it's been a whole...

Look, look, look,
look. Come here.

No. No, no, no.
Don't go by him.

Don't go. Don't go.

Look at this.

I've been finding
these the whole trip.

I think she just got in
over her head this time.

So, I hope we don't have to involve
the police or anything like that.

I mean, I promise I'll
get her back safe, okay?

Don't listen to him!
Don't listen to him!

Look, man, we're
just out here because

someone took off
with two of our boats.

The last thing we want is to get
involved in somebody else's mess.

Okay. Cool.

Yeah, right.

Except what?

You know, it's just that I don't
get why her pupils are normal

and yours are
the size of olives.

Guys, that was
a perfectly good story.

Fuck! Count your
fucking shots! Gina, hey!

No way.


How many people?

Enough to get good at it.

I bit
my tongue. I hate that.

That's going to stop
hurting in a second.

Oh, why, Nick?
You think this is it, huh?

Bad guy buys it,
crowd goes nuts.

You know what I hate about that
ending, aside from it being cliché?

It's your version of
reality, pallie. Not mine!

It would feel so good to squeeze
that trigger right now, wouldn't it?


But you kill me,
you kill yourself.

This is
the Hawaii County Police.

You ain't
going to do that.

Weapons down.
Put your weapons down!

You've got
too much to live for.

You've got
too many attachments.

You're just too soft! Here, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

It's the guy standing
with the weapon, correct?

He is the one you
told us about, correct?

The area is closed.
All trails are blocked.

Come on, Nick!
Come on! Do it!

I said drop all weapons.

If you don't kill me,
I'll just come back!

These fucking idiots
can't keep me locked up!

Hey, hey!
One year from today.

Honolulu, Pier 19, okay?
Around noon. Be there!

Weapon ready.

Someone's going
to brush by you,

maybe give you
a little nudge.

They might not
look like me. Okay?

Might look a little
something like you.

Circle the date, Nick,

because that is the day
that you're going to realize

just how good
I really fucking am!

I have to know I'm about
to kill the right man.

Now, is he
the one I want?

Come on! Do it! Just
do it. Come on. Do it!

Do it.


Get away.

Get away.

Get away.

Don't die on me. Don't
die on me again. Christ.

I would have done it
if I were you.

Well, you ain't him.

The one you want,

the one who killed
all those people

and the one that
I let fuck up my life

is the same guy who's
about to pick up that gun.

Yeah. Him.

What are you doing?

It's all right.

This is for you.

Holy crap.

Did you get it from
that store in Honolulu?



How long
have you had it?

A year and a half.

A year and a half?

Well, what are you waiting
for, you dumb bastard?

The right moment.

Baby, you are
a man in full.

Wait a second.

Let's not do a honeymoon.
I don't need no honeymoon.

Special thanks to SergeiK.