The Answer Man Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The Answer Man script is here for all you fans of Arlen Faber, the Jeff Daniels movie which got a name change for DVD. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some The Answer Man quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

The Answer Man Script

 Oh, Mr. Pit, oh, Mr. Pit,
Mr. Pitiful 

 who let you down? 

 who let you down?
Who let you down? 

 You still
don't believe, 

 you don't believe,
you don't believe 

 and your grievances

 when your soapbox

 but please come down 

 from that cloud
you're sitting on 

 I don't expect you
to admit 

 that you were wrong 

 just want to know
how you've been 

 it don't make me
feel bad 

 that we're still friends 

 mulling it over
in my bed 

 I hope that you see 

 through your big yard 

 and white picket fence 

 well, I don't believe,
I don't believe 

 I don't believe 

 everything I see 

 and you don't like
the movie 

 then quit acting 

 but please come down 

 from that cloud
you're sitting on 

 I don't expect you
to admit 

 that you were wrong 

 just want to know
how you've been 

 it don't make me
feel bad 

 that we're
still friends 

 mulling it over
in my bed 

 I hope that you see
through your big yard 

 and white picket fence 

 to make amends 

 still be my friend 

 still be my friend 

 still be my friend. 

We would like to do
a full expose on Arlen Faber.

It would coincide
with the release

of the 20th anniversary
of "Me and God."

People want to read
this story.

I've red "Me and God"
12 times, for Chrissake.

He listens to you, Terry.

If I could get
five minutes with him,

it would mean everything.

He redefined spirituality
for an entire generation.

It's been translated
into over 100 languages.

This book...

Arlen Faber isn't going
to talk to you

This year or any year.

Arlen Faber
doesn't do interviews.

He's refused an audience
with the Dalai Lama.

He has turned down millions
in appearance fees.

What would make a man
do this, you ask?

Because Arlen Faber
came in direct contact

With the creator himself.

Can you imagine how much
that would change you?

He isn't even
like us anymore.

He has no concern
for worldly affairs

or possessions.

He has been touched
by the divine

and he has given us
the only thing that he could,

which is "Me and God."

And if that isn't
enough for you,

Then God help you.

Fuck! Shit!

Fucking cock.

Get a fucking

Fucking goddamn.
Fuck. Fuck.

Oh, terrific.

I didn't want to leave
this on the doorstep.

It might be important.

You never know
who might snatch it.

Mr. Faber sure gets
a lot of mail.

Is he here to sign
for this today?

No, he isn't.

Ever since I took this job,
I've been hoping to meet him.

Tough break.


Would you mind signing
for it today, please?

My hands are shaking.
I apologize.

- Prince Berefton.
- That's me.

There you are.

Can I ask you
a small question?

What is
Mr. Faber like?

You'd hate him.

Hey, we have

delicious life bacon.

It's for your life.
It's delicious,

tastes just like bacon

But with delicious
soy protein

sweetened with cane juice
and tomato pulp.

Exactly, and yummy
egg whites

Scrambled just the way
you like them,

which is the scrambly
delicious way.

Uh... Okay.

Okay, mommy has
her drink.

All out
who's getting out.


Hurry hurry.

- Here's your lunch.
- Thank you.

Be careful.
Have fun.

Be careful.
Have fun.

remember what I said about fear.

Fuck everything
and run.

Or face everything
and relax.

I know.

Remember, when you get out of here,
the first thing you want to do...

I know. "Stay sober.
Get a sponsor and stay sober."

Dad, I'm home.

free unlimited texting and of course


I'm back.

Don't be mad!
Hey, Kris, don't be mad.

Okay, it's not a big deal,
but don't be mad.

Just... okay,
just don't be mad, okay?


You lost the keys
for 27 days.


The store was closed
for 27 days.

I didn't have
anyone else to call.

So I had to wait
for you to be released.


I wasn't released.
I'm not a criminal.

I was having a problem
with alcohol.

You attacked my umbrella.


You did.
You were screaming at me

and you were really drunk.
And it was scary.

I'm sorry
I scared you, Dahlia.

I'm sorry
I lost the keys

and the store
was closed, Kris.

I actually sat
in his presence.

He actually said to me,
"Dominica, you are awake."

And I said, "I actually
thought I was

Because my guru said I was,
but then somebody said I wasn't,

- so I actually wasn't sure."
- That is, like...

Hey, pretend person,
if you're done hallucinating,

I'd love a shot at being
a customer in this place.

Welcome back.

Can I help you?

Yes, these don't work.
I'd like to sell them.

If my conscience would
allow it, I'd burn them,

but instead I'll take
pennies on the dollar.

You've read all 21 volumes of "Unlocking
the Door to the Heaven Within"?

Yep, and it still lacked.

I'm sorry. I'm afraid we can't
buy any books right now.

Oh, well, I'm afraid I can't keep these
in my house right now, so...

So if you could just
come back next month...

So if you could just
get the manager...


I am the manager.

I can't afford it. It's been a
tough couple of months.

That's just fine.

You can have them
free of charge... my gift to you.

I'm not supposed to owe
anyone anything right now.



Look, it's been
a little slow.

The store's been closed
for a while.

We're just getting
back up to speed.

Let me guess...
you were off

giving lap dances
at the piercing festival.

God grant me the serenity

to accept the terrifying
bullshit I cannot change.

I'm sorry.

Maybe next month.

Right now
I can't afford it.


That is just fine.

All right, well,

Let me tell you something,
my little friend.


You are gonna
take these books.

Come again.

Okay, Anne, 5:00.

Oh, that's fine.

Leave it.

Anne, it's fine.

Look, everything is
gonna be fine.

Debt, waitressing,
chiropractic school...

I did not go through four
years of doubt and terror

to tank in the first month.
Everything is gonna be fine.


- Bye.
- Good night.

Well, a great day, huh?


I need to relax.

 Isn't it romantic? 


No, I refuse
to accept this.

No, I do not
accept this.

This is bullshit.
I do not accept it.

 Isn't it romantic? 

 moving shadows write 

 the oldest
magic word... 


 I hear
the breezes playing 

 in the trees above... 

 isn't it romantic? 

 music in the night 

 a dream that can be heard 

 Isn't it romantic? 

So what do you think?
Are you ready to grab a bite?


- I'm sorry?
- No, I'm not ready.

Is there
something wrong?

No no, everything's great.
You seem great.

It's just if there's
a strong reason

For me to have someone
in my life,

I'll fight for them.


And I can already tell

I'm never going
to fight for you.

I'm so sorry.

We just met.

I know. Sad.

Wait, when did you stop
fighting for me?

'Cause, hey,
I'd fight for you.

Thank you.

I missed watching
this with you

When you were gone.

You know,
I've been thinking...

Maybe it might be good
if you and I

took a trip together,
you know,

just get the heck
out of here, huh?

Remember that time
we went camping?

We didn't go camping, dad.
We got lost in the woods.

Usually campers have
a tent, water, food.

Yeah, camping, just like
the good old days.

Might do you
some good, you know.

I have to go.

I'm gonna go
meet some friends.

Excuse me.


Did you just have
a meeting in there?


I just got through
having 28 in a row.

Good for you.



Well, we have
meetings here

all the time,
if you're interested.

Okay, maybe I'll
check one out sometime.

Sure. We're here
if you need us. a lover's


Terry. Home.


Terry, Terry,
you have to come over.

Why are you yelling?

My back is out.

Now I need you
to come over.


Try asking God for help.

He won't take my calls.
You do.

I'm on the floor.
Get over here.


After seven years it might be
time to have that looked at.

I have.

But it didn't help,

Shall I take a picture
for your fan club?

Thank you for
turning the music off.

I mean it.
Thank you.

Now help me.

You know,
I was a nobody

in a big firm of somebodys
when I found your book...

Just a stack of
scribbled pages, really,

Sitting on a coffee table
at a party for God-knows-who.

Conveniently, nobody
wanted to talk to me,

so I sat there

and I read it.

It was marvelous.

You gave me a career.

You changed my life.

And now if I don't help you,
you will probably shit your pants.

Help me.

You are a disaster,

And these days you're not
my only disaster.

I'm successful
and therefore have many.

Is there a rest stop
between me and the end of this story?

What did you think of the book
I sent over for the 20th anniversary?

- Did you like it?
- Not now, Terry.

Did you like the jacket
with the raised gold letters?

I loved the gold letters,
loved them.

How about the picture?

God damn it,
it doesn't matter.

It's all meaningless

It's not meaningless,

I won't help you
if you won't help me.

All right, you win.

I loved the gold letters

and the picture
was fantastic.

Now help me.

There is no picture.

And the letters
are blue.

 Do you mean 

 that I will fall 

 in love perchance 

 isn't it... 

 isn't it, isn't it... 

 isn't it, isn't it... 

 isn't it, isn't it 

 isn't it,
isn't it 

 isn't it, isn't it 

 isn't it,
isn't it 

 isn't it, isn't it 

 isn't it... 

I'm lying on my back.

I think I'm ready to buy,
enlarge my portfolio.

Any objection
to me being next?


Uh, do you have
an appointment?

Does it look
like I planned this?

So you're a new patient.

I just need you to fill out
this paperwork.

But you can't do that.
I'm gonna take your picture,

because that's what we do
with all new patients.


When I can stand,

I will kill you.

I'm just gonna let
the doctor know you're here.

- Elizabeth.
- Yeah?

He's a little disgruntled.
I tried to take his picture.

He said he was gonna kill me.

Okay, I'll take care of it.
Hi, follow me.

- Not you.
- Oh, okay, right.

Right this way.
Follow me.

You're doing great.
My name is Elizabeth and...

Please don't show me that
lame little rubber model of vertebrae.

Let's just focus of me
being able to walk out

of this little tea party forever.

What do you say?

All done?

Please help me.

Okay, is the pain here?

Yeah, okay, I'm gonna
get you up on the table.

You can do it.
I'm gonna help you.

You can do this.
All right.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, good.


Okay, yeah.

Okay, I'm gonna be
right back.

Don't leave me here.

I just have to tell Anne to clear
my patients for the next hour.

I'll be right back.

- We have a real patient.
- Yay!

Shh, be professional.

What was that?

A happy customer.

Alrighty, so...
What's your name?

My name?

Yes, your name.
Who are you?


Okay, Arlen,
I'm gonna help you.

And when you leave here
today, you might not be cured,

But you're gonna feel
a lot better, I promise.



I think
you're good for now.

Sit up nice and slow.

Walk across the room.


You are so...


I mean, no one has ever
done that before...

No one.
How did you do that?

So, well, I don't know.

You're still a little
out of whack.

But you resemble something further
along the evolutionary chart.

How much do I owe you?

Two hours... $175.


Oh, no, that's too much.

Take it.
You're a miracle worker.

When can l...
should I come back?

You should be fine
for about a week, so next week.

Thank you, Arlen.


My name is Arlen Faber.

My name is Arlen Faber.

I believe you.

Next week, Arlen.

Thank you.

That's Arlen Faber?

Who's Arlen Faber?

So that's Arlen Faber.

That's Arlen Faber.

I forgot one.

- Have a good one, Mr. Faber.
- Bye.

I knew it!
You're Arlen Faber.

Oh, I can't believe it.

I have read "me and god,"
like, 40 times.

My mother is not gonna
believe this.

Oh my god.

Oh, I feel like I'm shaking
the hand of god himself.

Can I ask you
a question?

Yes, I will pray
for you, believe me.

No, that's not my question.
Just one, please.

One question,
on condition

That you can never,
and I mean never,

Tell anyone
that I live here. Swear it.

I swear it.
I swear it.

Mr. Faber,

Is there such a place
as hell?

Yes, there is.

I think it was Sartreartre
who said it best, really,

When he said,
and I quote,

"hell is other people."

"...Attempts to
contact you in the past have failed,

so we are forced to resort
to this final action."

Excuse me, I'd like
to sell you this book.


without an object."

Wow, sixth grade is different
than I remember it.

Why do you want
to get rid of this?

I just found...

I found...

I find the idea

That you can use
a conscious object

To consider non-objective
consciousness absurd.

This book is
poison to me.

Uh, I'm sorry.

I'm afraid we can't buy
any books right now.

How did he get you
to do this?

He said he'd split
the money with me.

Do not split this
with him.

- thank you.
- bye.

That guy does not want
his books. God.

Where were we?

If you do not respond
to our request for full payment,

We will have no other choice
but to blah-blah-blah,

Red words, blah-blah,
hate, rescind.

Sincerely, first masters bank,
celebrating 150 years of your success."



Hi. Can I?

- Oh, post away.
- Thanks.


"Mr. Lucas,
you have failed.

We have no other choice but to
celebrate 150 years of your success.

That's better. Yay.

Excuse me, do you have
"Me and God"?

Oh, God,
it's bad... bad.

Elizabeth will be with you
in just one minute, Mr. Faber.

I think I can sit.


You have a lot of tension
in your upper back today.

I was out running
the other day, had a little fall.


I'II just let you sit
for a couple of minutes

and I'll be right back.


And talk to me.

What do you want
to talk about?

Let's talk about you.


I moved here
from San Francisco.

Um, this is new.
I just opened.

I have a son
who's seven years old.

A son?

I love kids.

They're short, highly emotional people
who don't know anything.

They rely on their
creativity and imagination

to get by in the world... a world,
I might add, filled with giants...

an amazing feat.

That's lovely. I never
thought about it like that.

What about me? Don't you want
to hear my story?


Okay, thank you.

I moved to Philadelphia
10 years go.

I'm trying to write a book
about the history of monsters

in movies
and literature.

One day I hope
to find a cure

for people who
listen to techno.

I read your book.

- Oh, great.
- Careful.

I mean, thank you.

I don't know
what I was expecting,

but it wasn't that.

Is that good?

Yes, yes.


Those were some of the best
answers I've ever heard.

It's beautiful, really.

Does God still
talk to you?

Now more than ever.


I made breakfast burritos.
You want one?

No, thanks.

Just coffee.

It's like liquid angels.


Things aren't going too
well at the bookstore, huh?

I'm not panicked yet,
probably because I'm sober.

You still going
to them A.A. Classes?

Uh, a couple.

It's good sometimes.

I don't know.
I don't know.

It's a lot of whining,
I guess.

I went to
one of those once.

People there
made me feel

like the luckiest guy alive,
you know what I mean?


If you want
to go again,

I could scout out
some meetings for you.

- I could.
- No.

You look good, son.

I'm glad.

I'm glad.

Hello, Mr. Arlen Faber.

I just wanted to stop by
and drop off this letter.

Who are these people?

Oh, I hope you don't mind.
I was out with my family

- and I remembered that I had that.
- You told. Liar, you swore.

Now if you just
give us one moment...

I can't help you.
Do you understand that?

Go away now.

 What a friend
we have in Arlen 

You gotta be
fucking kidding.

 all our sins and griefs
to bear... 

Everybody's been asking
for Robert B. Parker.

I don't think we're gonna
get any for two weeks,

Maybe three.

Do you mind
if I wait?


Sir, sir.


Sir, sir.


It's time, Arlen.


It is not time.
No, it isn't.

You promised me
a foreword.

I already sent you

Yes, you did.

You wrote, "get your own
imaginary friend,"

followed by a multiple-choice
question about Tom Selleck.

Write whatever you want
and I'll sign it.

Listen, you have 10%
of the God market... 10%.

And I, the only person
alive who loves you,

am asking you to write
a couple of pages

about the book that you,
Arlen, wrote about him... God.

I've said
all I can say.

Arlen, we have let you out
of every responsibility...

every appearance, every book
signing for the last 20 years.

All we are asking is that you write
a couple of pages on the subject.

What is so hard
about that?

Try it sometime
and find out.

I've been
thinking it over

and I want to give you
my phone number.

I have a boyfriend.

Not for you.

In case you guys are too busy and
have to cancel an appointment.

That's the reason.

Do you really
have a boyfriend?


If you did, would you want
to go on walks with him?



Hey, you want
to walk around?

Another day,

another stroll
with a famous author.

Must be exhausting.

Oh, you have no idea.

I hope we're not breaking
some doctor-patient rule here.

No, it's part
of the service.

No, I only have
three rules:

Don't take advice from someone
you wouldn't trade places with;

try not to do something
you can't take back;

and something is what it is
and it's not something else.

I forget my rule,
but I think

it has something to do
with square dancing.

Well, this is a street
I probably won't live on.

Oh, you never know.
Anything can happen.

Yeah. In the meantime,
looking's free.

Well, you know
what he says.

No, I sure don't.

"For you and you alone
I have made this place

kaleidoscope with wonder
to keep your eye upon

as I turn, turn
the world."

Hmm, I don't remember that
from the book.

 Beautiful dreamer 

 wake unto me 

 starlight and dewdrops 

 are waiting for thee... 

- Excuse me.
- Yeah?

Do you know where
Arlen Faber lives?

I do.

- 2032, five blocks down.
- Thanks.

- He threw water on my family.
- I'm sorry, what?

We were singing the hymn and he
threw a bucket of water on us.

Be careful with him.

Maybe he wrote "Me and God,"
but he did not read it.

So you're Arlen Faber.

You had no idea I'd be
this handsome, did you?

- I really liked your book.
- I know.

But I need to be straight
with you right now.


I can't accept any more
books right now.

And it seems you really
want to get rid of some books.

Oh, you noticed,
did you?

I'm willing
to make you a deal.

I could use a little
advice every now and then,

even from someone
as obviously crazy as yourself.

So here's
what I propose:

I'll let you trade me
books for questions.

I have a question...

can you guess how much
I hate this idea?

More than you would hate

every single new-age

yoga-practicing fanatic
who walks into my store

knowing where you live?

Come on, just
three books per visit...

no one knows
where you live,

Except for the guy
whose family you drenched.

Five books, and you
don't get to argue with me.

You ask, I answer.
That's it.

- Deal.
- Now if we have completed

our little Faustian bargain, I would
like to go back inside

and weep for the life
I used to have.

- I didn't get to ask you...
- Yes, you did.

So how are you today?

Good good.
A little stiff, but better.


I'm great,
really really great.

And why is that?

My son got a on his paper yesterday

And he feels
really great.

What happened to an "A"?

Why isn't a 1 perfect?
A 4?

I have no idea.

Okay, and on three.

One, two, three.

Oh! Ahh.

Would you like
to meet him?

Alex, this is
my friend Arlen.

Arlen, this is Alex.

Word on the street is
you got a 4.

- Any truth to that?
- Yes.

- Well, congratulations.
- Thank you.

- It's nice meeting you.
- Nice meeting you.

I'll be right back.

A great kid.

Yeah? Thanks.

You want to know
something cool

About shaking hands
with little people?

Uh, okay.

They see us shaking hands,
but they don't know

that we squeeze
the other person's hand.

So they just hold hands
with you for a couple of seconds.

- That is cool.
- Yeah yeah, it really is.

See you soon.


Why is everybody
shaking my hand?

Why can't I do
the things I want to do?

There's so much I know
I'm capable of

that I never actually do.
Why is that?

The trick is to realize that you're
always doing what you want to do...


Nobody's making you
do anything.

Once you get that,
you see that you're free

and that life is really
just a series of choices.

Nothing happens to you.
You choose.

There's seven books here.

A pre-coffee penalty...
two extra books.

If God made everything,

then why are
some things bad,

like, for example, the whole
pain-and-suffering thing?


without things that suck, you would have
no idea what good was

and therefore would be

You smell shit,
and you walk the other way.

Do I have a destiny,
or is it all free will?

Destiny or free will?

Free will... moving toward
or away from a purpose.

Hello, "straighten up"
healing center.

This is Arlen.

Elizabeth, I felt
that our walk was

Too short the other day.
I asked you to go for a walk.

Perhaps it wasn't
as long as it should be

when someone asks
for that.

I don't usually
go for walks with people.

I forget the protocol.

What the
hell am I talking about?

I know there's no
walk protocol per se.

I mean, what would that be?
What could it be?

Fuck. Fuck!

You know, I hate answering
machines. For this very reason.

They're like life... you can't
take anything back.

I would like to go out with
you. I would like to go out with you.

Did I already say that?
Tomorrow night.

And I hope
you will call me back

on my phone...

the one here
at my home.


That was weird.

Play it again.

Are you ready
to take control of your life?


There is one
who has all the answers.

All you have to do
is ask.

Ask. Ask.

I want her
to like me, but...

Peace is your birthright.

Ask and you shall receive.

Stop interrupting.

Wisdom is like
a fox in winter.

And the ice is
where he dances.

Kris, listen,
I gotta go.

I don't have time
to tell you why we dream

or help you manifest
sanity. Maybe tomorrow.

I'm trying to stay sober
and my dad won't stop drinking.

How can I love him even though
he's selfish and he's scaring me?


that's hard.

I guess what's getting in the way
are your expectations...

If he would do "x",
then you'd be happy.

It doesn't work
that way.

I think you have to
let go of that

and maybe what you want
will happen

and maybe it won't.

Either way,
you're better off.

And you should go
to A.A. Meetings.

- It's hard.
- Yes, it is.

So you want to give me
some books or something?

Oh, twice as many
next time.

I'm sorry about
when we met...

the lap-dancing-
piercing-festival comment.

I didn't know you were
having such a hard time.

So you're only awful
to people that don't have problems.

It's good to know.

I'm ready to take control of my life.

I'm ready to take
control of my life.

I'm ready
to take control...

Of my life.

I thought I heard you out
here. What are you doing?

Uh, stretching.
I was...

I always stretch
before I knock.

Anne, we're going.

- Hi, Arlen.
- Hi, Alex.

Hi, Anne.

- You wear a lot of hats.
- Yeah.

- Okay, be good for Annie.
- Okay.

Mommy will give you a kiss when
she gets home. It won't be too late.

You know what to do. No sweets tonight,
okay? Just popcorn.

Call me if you need
anything. Use the fruit spray.

- There's light bulbs.
- You're freaking out.

Can he tell?

- Not yet.
- Not yet what?


And there's just a few
more things I put down for you...

- Just a few.
- I've done this before.

I love you, baby.
Mm, I love you.

- I love you too, mom.
- I love you. Okay.

I love you.
I love you.

- Mwah!
- Have fun.

The Air Force should be dropping
off supplies in the next couple of days.

So see if you can
hold on till then.

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

Take me out, Arlen.

This is nice.

I bet this is where you take
all your chiropractors.

Is it obvious?

So how did you come to be
the angel of alignment?

Well, I needed
to start over.

I needed a change.

And I liked
the immediacy of it.

People walk in,
or crawl in, hurt,

And when they leave
they feel better, and I did it.

- And the legend is born.
- Oh.

What good are the gifts we
have if we don't share them?

I like that we have that
in common.

To a great chiropractor.

To a great...

transcriber of thoughts
from outer space.

Tell me about Alexander.

He hates "A lexander."


He's great.
He's a great kid.

He keeps me together
just by being around, you know?

How often does he see
his dad?

Oh, well,

he hasn't seen his father
in over three years.

What happened?

Alex's dad
was one of those guys

who always has
a great new idea,

and for a while
that was us.

And then one day

he took Alex
to the park

and told him that he had
to go away for a little while,

but he would be back
in two weeks... two weeks.

And that turned into
three years.

Alex was just so little

that I hope he,
you know, forgot.

Really, I should have
known better.

- Oh, no.
- Are you okay?

- Fuck no.
- Arlen?

Don't move.

If you don't stop
playing that song,

I will chew
through my wrists.

Where were we?

I guess I was just boring you
with stories about my life.

No no no, please.
I'm sorry.

No, this is a nice place
and I'm bringing it down.

No, I'm listening.

He's listening.

What do you want to hear?
You want to hear about

How I'm so freaked out that
I'm not doing everything I can;

That I'm so freaked out
all the time;

That I'm afraid
that I'm not doing enough;

And that that fear is turning me
into somebody I don't want to be

and I can't stop it?
You have no idea what it's like

to be pulled all the time...
I mean, not by Alex

but by this idea
that I'm not doing enough;

That I am not enough.

He knows.

And he wants you to know

that you are enough
and so much more.

You are here so God can experience
the world through your eyes,

see what you see,
feel what you feel.

Every day he can't wait

to see what you'll do,

what makes you laugh,
what moves you...

He can't wait.
Every day through you

He falls in love
with the world all over again.

you are his muse.

Thank you.

Oh my God,
it's so beautiful.

Yes, it is.

I bet you have
some great parties here.

Oh, no one has been
in here for five years.

Five years?

Since my father died.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Me too.

Don't touch that.

I won't.

Hey, I want
to show you something.


This is my office.

I know.
I saw the sign.

Why are there
signs everywhere?

Because my dad
had Alzheimer's

and in the end it was hard
for him to remember things.

So the signs helped
for a while.


- Wow.
- I kind of collect them.

My dad and I used to watch
monster movies together.

And I kept the models
from when I was a kid.

And over the years, you know,
I'd pick up another one at a garage sale

or a science-fiction expo.

I really like them.

And I think I've got
a pretty good collection,

If you like
that sort of thing.

Maybe not.
It's not for everybody.

It's dumb, I guess.
We should go.

No, I love 'em.

I think
they're wonderful.

- You do?
- Yeah.

What are they doing
all crammed in here, though?

You should put them out.
God knows you have the room.

Where are you going?

There, that's better.

But I don't want it there. I want it
back with the other monsters.

Okay, just try it out.

Consider it an experiment.

- Arlen.
- Hmm?

Thank you
for bringing me here.


You caught me
off-guard tonight.

Tell me,
am I the first girl

to see your monsters?

I'm sorry.

Just give me one second,
all right?

Don't go away.

I'm blowing it again,
aren't I?

No, I love it

when I'm about
to kiss someone

and they leave me
to protect a plastic toy.


a kiss is
so much better

knowing they're safe.

I gotta just remember to let that shit
go, you know what I mean?

It's just a car, right?
It's not life-or-death.

Wasn't that long ago,
if somebody cut me off

I'd go on
a three-day binge.

And now I just pray
silently for their death.

Hi, my name is Ross
and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Ross.

That's about all the time
that we have,

unless anyone has
a burning desire.

What about you...

The newcomer?

Fine. You want me
to say something?

How about this?

I fucking hate this.

I fucking hate
that I have to be here.

And I fucking hate
all of you

and your pathetic
little stories.

I can't believe
I've ended up here.

It's fucked.
I'm fucked.

And you're fucked too.

- I hear that.
- I hear that.

- I hear that too.
- Right on.

Listen, I've got
a great plan.

I think what I'll do is walk around
at night tripping the locals,

throwing their backs
out of alignment.

It's tough work,
but the war needs soldiers.

Well, that sounds great.
When can you start?

Good luck on the moon.
We always knew you could do it.


Gee, you think
he's gonna be safe?

Are you
making fun of me?

No, I was just making fun

of that inquisition holdover
of a car seat.

One more strap... I think
you could get him to confess.

Keeps him safe.

- Okay, I'll see you later.
- Yeah, mm-hmm.

So what's the deal with
heaven and hell anyway?

I've seen hell, and it's name is
Reno, Nevada.

I can't believe God would
punish people for not believing in him.

Ah, the rapture.

What's that?

Well, I like to think
of it as a monster movie.

The monster destroys
some people and spares others.

So who is the monster?


God is the monster.

Have you been to
the chiropractor recently?

"Straighten up"
healing center...

We'll heal you
as you straighten.

No way.

"Straighten up"
healing center.

Have you been to
the chiropractor recently?

What are you doing?

Elizabeth said we needed
to get the word out.

Nobody wants to talk
to a spine.

We're offering
a discount.

- A spine?
- I don't mind.

"Straighten up"
healing center.

- A spine?
- I don't mind.

Bye, Mr. Mankowitz.
See you next week.

We're a new business.
We have to advertise.

Is that helping
your business?

Oh, no.

Honey, how did
that happen?

- We got you.
- Hang in there, Anne.

We've got a bone saw
around here somewhere.

That's so funny.

Honey, we'll get you
out of it.

- Oh.
- Oh, no. Are you okay?

- I'll go home.
- Go home now?

- Well, that sucked.
- Oh, no.

I'm so sorry.
Are you coming back?

Do you want me
to call you later?

What are we
gonna do with you?

I can take him
to the park.

- Okay.
- No, that's okay.

It's more complicated
than you think.

I can take a kid
to a park.


- Wanna do that?
- Yes.


- Okay, go to the park.
- Come on.

Just to the park, though,
right? Be careful.

I mean, have fun.
Be careful.

Just the park.
Have fun.

I don't ever want
to step on a nail.

Got it.

In your house, do you
have a favorite towel?


I can read
upside down.

Hey, I got something
for you.

It's a proper vehicle

For future missions.

What are you waiting for?
Go play already.

- Can I?
- Yeah, get out of here.

I don't really have
a favorite towel.

Me neither.

Bring it in.
Bring it in.

That's it.
Come on.

Circle the airport.
Circle the airport.

That's it.
Bring it in.

Kris, now is
not a good time.

My dad died today.


- My dad died today.
- Oh my God.

I didn't know where else to
go, so I just came here.

I know it's not
our regular time,

So you can give me some extra
books if you want to.

- What's he talking about?
- Nothing. Kris,

now is not a good time.

I'm thirsty.

Yeah, Arlen, get him
something to drink.


I've never been in here.

- The place is huge.
- It is.

He's got nice stuff.


So I came home
and I found him.

He was sitting
at the table

doing a crossword puzzle.

He never does
crossword puzzles.

Kris just got out
of rehab.

Are you okay?

Hey, let's not talk.
Let's just sit here.

That's a good idea.

What did you mean
about extra books?

I own a little bookstore...
"Book Trader."

Oh, yeah, that's where
I bought your book.


Arlen tried to sell me back
some books and I couldn't afford it.

So he freaked out.
And now I come to his house

and exchange books
for questions.

You make him pay for his
questions with books?

- Totally fair.
- No, it's not. It's awful.

You haven't heard
the questions.

Arlen, I can't
feel anything...


I should be able
to feel something, shouldn't I?

Do you like
working at the bookstore?

I love the bookstore...

All those ideas
somebody cared enough about

To put all that
work into.

I could never do
anything like that.

Sometimes I'll just stand in
the middle of the store at night

and imagine that all those
authors are surrounding me.

I close my eyes and pretend that
they're trying to tell me something.

They are. They're saying,
"Give me your money."

What else?

What else do you love
about the bookstore?

I love that I feel
safe there.

Safe from what?

- I don't know.
- Yes, you do.


Come on,
safe from what?


Safe from being scared
all the time...

all the time.

I get so tired of it.

I get so tired
of being scared.

I get...

My dad died today.

I know, baby.

I know.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

- Will you be okay?
- Yeah.

Come by the office
this week, okay...

A free adjustment?


Hey, I'm around, you know. If you need
anything, you can come by.

We'll see.

- Hey, you want to...?
- I need to go.

Oh. Oh.

Why is it that
when you're with me

you say the most
amazing things,

but when some broken-down kid
who's lost his dad needs you...

Why is that?

It's complicated.


I would think something like
that is easy for Arlen Faber.

Hey, would you just...?

What is it, Arlen?

What are you hiding?

Time's up.

You can't do this.

I showed you
my monsters.

Are you really
Arlen Faber?


And neither is
Arlen Faber.

Anne, it's me.
I'm calling again. I'm so sorry.

I promised I wouldn't call
again. I know, I know.

I just wanted to tell you
one more time I'm so sorry.

I'll never make you wear
a costume again.

Just a minute.

I promise, not even
for Halloween.

So please,
if there's...

So when I figured out
it was him, he agreed to help me

as long as I didn't
tell anybody who he is.

Why doesn't he want
anyone to know who he is?

I don't know.

Maybe it's because he's supposed
to have all the answers,

and he's a disaster.

Are you his girlfriend
or something?


Were you before I told you
he wore a disguise?

No, but that
didn't help.

Do you like him?

Doesn't matter.

All done.

Well, I'll come by
the bookstore this week.

Better hurry. Might be
going-out-of-business sale time for me.


Yeah, the first one's free,
then they own you.


Hi, it's Elizabeth.

Calling to apologize?

No, look, I need
to ask you a favor.

Well, word on the street is
I don't help anyone.

Look, Anne isn't here.

I have a client.
I'm stuck.

I'm not hearing
a favor in here.

I can't believe I'm
gonna ask you to do this,

but could you please go
and pick up Alex from school

and bring him to your place
and I'll pick him up later?

And do not talk
to anyone.

No talking.

And I told them
you're my brother.

- You what?
- I had to.

Just please go and get him
and bring him back.

Just get in
and get out.

Pick him up, bring him back,
do not talk. Got it.

Hey, buddy.

Your mom asked me
to come and get you.


Are you here
for Alexander?

Yes, Alex.

- Oh, you must be the brother.
- Correct.

Oh, I was expecting
to see her today.

Today is
conference day.

She had a medical

So I'm just gonna
take Alex home now.

See, I'm afraid
that could affect

Alexander getting into
the advanced program.

Oh, well, you could
just tell me.

After all,
I'm her brother.

Fine. Okay.

- This will just take a minute.
- Okay.

Okay, well,
come on in.


Where are my...?

If you would...

That's nice.

I don't believe
we've met.

I'm Zebulon.

Uncle Zebulon.


Well, Alexander...

First let me say what a joy
he is to have in class.

He's a very
creative child

and he makes friends
with everyone.

If one of the other students
is hurt or upset,

Alexander's always the first
one to show them comfort.

He's quite empathetic.

And empathetic is good.

- Great.
- But in some of the other areas...

Empathy, reading,
friendship... what else is there?

Well, math.

He's far behind
the other students.

He still struggles
with arithmetic

while the other students
have moved on to multiplication.

Well, you're the teacher.
Aren't you supposed to be able

to find a way
to teach it to him?

I have 26 students.

I can't devote all of my
time to one student.

And Alexander
still needs to learn

our very first lesson.

And he's also...
oh, how do I say this?

Well, immature.

He's seven.

Yes, but he still jokes

with his seatmates
during a lesson

and sometimes while
we're trying to have peaceful time.

The other students still have to learn
all the same lessons,

and Alexander often
makes this difficult.

I think if Alexander's
really going to thrive...

Let me stop you right there.

I'm gonna tell you
a couple of things.

All kids develop
in different ways

at different times and
in different directions.

Now I am confident
that Alex at some point

will be able to tell time
and make change,

which, let's face it,
just about covers it.

I don't think
you're hearing me.

What I am hearing
is that Alex is not a good candidate

to be a robot
in your clone army.


We're gonna work
on the math, okay?

In the meantime, why
don't you try not making him feel

like being who he is
is the problem?

That's what happened
to you and me, remember?

Oh, and by the way,
his name is Alex.

He fucking hates

Am I in trouble?

I think we got her
right where we want her.

She says you're a great kid,

but maybe you could not
tell jokes while she's talking.

- Okay.
- Oh, and by the way,

If she asks...
I'm your uncle.

My name is Zebulon.

A Hebrew name,
means "exalted."

What's up?

My mom says
that meat is poisonous

And it can
make you sick.

And I say

if that's not
the best hamburger

you have ever had
in your life,

I'll change my name
to Denise

and run into the sea.



This is a nice piano.

Yes, it is.

- Can you play it?
- A little.

Will you play me

No, I don't want to.

How come?

Well, it was my father's
and he died

and playing it
reminds me of him.

Was he nice?

Yes, he was.

Do you miss him?

Very much.

Yes, I do.

Me too.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Mm-hmm.

How long is two weeks?

It's okay.
I don't know either.

Hi, buddy.

Oh, a big hug.

Thanks for watching him.
It won't happen again.

No problem, really.

- Bye, Arlen.
- Bye.

Sorry for the imposition.

We had a good time.

- Elizabeth.
- Yeah?


Come on, you.
Did you have fun?


Who thought that was
a good idea?


- Kris, are you there?
- Go away.

What's up
with the bottle?

My dad's funeral
was today.

I was the only person
that knew.

Oh, well, I'm sure
there were some people

who couldn't make it,
you know.


You said everyone's life

is either moving toward
or away from a purpose.

Maybe my purpose
is to drink.

That's not what I meant.

When I came to you,
I really thought you could help me.

And you know what?
You did.

You helped me realize that
all my worst fears are true.

I mean, you had
the man on the phone,

and this is
what it did for you.

So I may as well
go ahead and drink.

That's not what I meant.

Congratulations, Arlen.

You can have
your life back now.

Isn't that
what you want?

Get out.

- Hello.
- Hello, Arlen,

or should I say Zebulon?

It means "exalted."
do you want...?

I can't believe I forgot
about the conference.

Lucky for you,
I was there.

What did you say to her?


"Kids develop," you know,
"friendship, reading,"

maybe something
about robots.

Arlen, Mrs. Gold
called me and said

that she wants to recommend
Alex for the advanced program.

Oh, well, that's
totally amazing.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Just when I give up
on you...

Yeah, a program
of advanced what?

Placement in learning.

- Learning what?
- I don't know what you mean.

I mean, Mrs. Gold is kind of an
uptight little control weasel,

And I think that school
you love so much is bullshit.

I would keep my kid far
away from people like that.

What that kid needs
is confidence.

I'm sorry, when did this go from me
thanking you to you attacking me?

I'm sorry.
You're welcome.

I'm glad you got
what you wanted.

Are you saying Alex
doesn't have any confidence?

I'm saying he's
just a little guy.

And all that pressure
is gonna fuck him up

or turn him into
a salesman of some kind.

I'm sorry, when did you become
an expert in child raising?

I'm not the one who straps
him into some death harness

and then buys
pretend food

that's supposed to be
better than the real thing.

You're trying to turn him
into your idea of who he should be

instead of looking at
who he is, and that's...

Who are you to judge me?
Alex is everything to me

and I want to give him
the very best.

While you're giving him
your best,

you might want to tell him
his dad's not coming back.

What did you
say to him?

What did you
say to him?

Nothing. He asked me
how long two weeks was.

I didn't say anything.

Look, he knows the truth,

but he needs
to hear it from you.

Let me guess,
God told you that.

He said, "They're having
a rough time, Arlen.

You should go
and help them."

No? Of course not.
Because you don't want to help anybody.

You don't want to know anybody.
You just want to sit in here

and hide and watch while the rest
of us try to work it out.

It must be hilarious.

It's not like that.

You know, I feel
more alone now

than I did
before we met.

Excuse me.


You must be Kris.

I'm Terry...

Terry Fraser,
Arlen's agent.

How did you do it?

Wait, I don't want to know.
I don't care.

- What's going on?
- You don't know?

Arlen is coming here to speak for
the 20th-anniversary of "Me and God."

It's a miracle. He phoned me
and told me to get the books over here,

said he's already sent word
to all of the websites... all of them.

Get over here.

What's going on?

ThatTerry lady came in this morningg
with all these boxes of books

And said that your
pal Arlen is speaking here today

and we'd better
get busy.

We don't have any money
to buy books.

Kris, it was a gift.

- Where is he?
- He's coming.

No, Kris.
Who's gonna help me...?

Hi, you guys.

I'll be with you in one minute.

There you go.
Just fill that out.

We'll get to all of you,
I promise.

- What are you doing right now?
- We're kind of busy.

Arlen's going to speak
at the bookstore.

- Arlen who?
- Arlen Faber.

There he is.

- I love your book, Arlen.
- You rock, Arlen.

ladies and gentlemen, this is

a very special occasion
for all of us,

something that we have
waited for for 20 years.

The author
of "Me and God,"

the man who showed us
a glimpse of heaven...

Arlen Faber.

Thank you, Terry.
You were right.

I should have done this
a long time ago.

Thank you for coming.

I would also like
to thank

Kris Lucas
and "Book Trader"

for allowing me
to use their store today.

This is the best bookstore
in Philadelphia.


Now those of you
who liked the book,

one person had
the insight to see

that this book might be
useful to people... one...

Terry Fraser.

Terry is the one person

who saw the value there.

All right, now I came here
to tell you something,

so just hold your applause
until the end, all right?

Now I know
many of you have questions.

I can't talk to God.

Here's the deal...

A little over
20 years ago

I found out that my father
had an illness.

Everything he had
and everything that we did together

would be taken from him
one memory at a time.

Now I got this news

and I begged for help
from, you know, whomever.

I pleaded...


I had questions.
I wanted answers,

needed them.

You know
what it's like.

Well, guess what happened.

I didn't get them.

And it really
pissed me off.

So one day

I started to write
the questions down.

And then some answers
to those questions came to me

and I wrote
them down too.

Before I knew it,
I had all these pages.

One thing led to another

And that's how
"Me and God" came to be.

That's it.

I didn't even really think
that much of it at the time.

I wish it were
more amazing than that, I really do.

Are you saying
you made it all up?

I don't know.


Maybe whoever's up there
just used my anger and pain

to make me part
of some divine plan.

And if he did, he sure as
hell didn't let me in on it.

I'm not
a guy with answers.

I'm just a guy

who recently crawled back
to civilization

on all fours.

Hang on, so all those

The best advice I had at the time,
and I meant every word.

I'm sorry,
I have to go now.

So you're just like
the rest of us.

Not yet,
but I'm trying.

Oh, God.

Stop following me.

Stop, will you,
just for a minute?

This is dumb.

You're right.
This is dumb.

Look, you're complicated
and confusing.

Alex and I
don't need that

- in our lives right now.
- Yes, you do.

- No.
- Listen, you can leave...

No, you'll just
make something up. And I know...

Shut up, Elizabeth.
Look, everything I said was true, okay?

It just didn't come
from some invisible super being.

It came from me... me.

What do you want me to say,
"It's okay that you lied"?

You want me
to fall in your arms

and say,
"All is forgiven"?

I understand,
all right?

You were protecting
yourself and you freaked out.

Happens to
the best of us.

Let's just leave it
at that.

That's not good enough.

Yes, I lied.
Yes, I'm sorry.

Yes, I led you on.
Yes to all of it.

But just so you know,

the answer to every
questions I ever had

is a kid like Alex who's got a mom
like you.

If we could maybe
just start again,

I think this might
end better.

Maybe it would.


I'm Arlen.

 You can cry 

 a million tears 

 you can wait 

 a million years 

 if you think that time 

 will change your ways 

 don't wait too long 

 when your morning 

 turns to night 

 who'll be loving you 

 by candlelight? 

 if you think that time 

 will change your ways 

 don't wait too long 

 maybe I've got 

 a lot to learn 

 time can slip away 


 you've gotta
lose it all 

 before you find
your way 

 take a chance 

 and play your part 

 make romance 

 it might
break your heart 

 but if you think
that time 

 will change your ways 

 don't wait too long 

 it may rain 

 it may shine 

 love may age 

 like fine red wine 

 but if you think
that time 

 will change your ways 

 don't wait too long 

 baby, you and I 

 got a lot to learn 

 don't want to waste
another day 

 maybe you've gotta
lose it all 

 before you find
your way 

 take a chance 

 play your part 

 make romance 

 it might break
your heart 

 but if you think
that time 

 will change
your ways 

 don't wait too long 

 don't wait 


 don't wait. 

Special thanks to SergeiK.