Assassination of a High School President Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Assassination of a High School President script is here for all you fans of the Mischa Barton and Bruce Willis movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Assassination of a High School President quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Assassination of a High School President Script

You want to know the truth
about high school.

You've got to break it down
into its elements.

Unfortunately, at St. Donovan's,

the periodic table is more crooked
than a case of scoliosis.

Just give me the chance
and I'll set it all straight.

Case in point, Spanish homework.

"Dame un batido de esperma" does
not mean "take me to the airport".

It means,
"give me a sperm milkshake".

And 22 kids gave that as an answer
in Spanish 3 last week.

I'm not sure about the milkshake,

but somebody is sure feeding us
something sticky.

Every clique on campus is copying
the same damn homework.

Burn-outs, pretty boys, drama-dorks,
jocks, debaters, player-haters,

you name it.

It's big all right.

And I'm on it like pink rubber bands
on your little sister's braces.

The name's Bobby Funke
I write for the paper.

Wait, wait a second. Who?

Bobby Funke.
I write for the paper.

No, you don't.
I'm Tad Goltz,

and I write for the paper.
You don't write for shit.

Wait, aren't you the freshman
they tied to the snowman penis?


Bobby, you can't expect us
to give you a story like this

when there's nothing written
and there's hardly proof.

Look, Clara, I'm the best writer
you've got tell me differently.

You've never finished an article.

Well, then, do you want to go
to homecoming with me?


Clara Diaz, editor in chief
and one tough cookie

All I wanted was a taste

Friedrich Nietzsche said,

"What doesn't kill you
makes you stronger"

But 10 buck says
Nietzsche never got a swirly

I can't talk right now, Clara.

Look, I feel really bad
about what happened.

I know you're going
for that Northwestern program

and I have an assignment for you.

Take you to homecoming?
Heard you're going with Tad.

- You know what Tad's short for, right?
- Theodore?

No. Vagina.

Look it up.

I want you to write a story
on the student body president.

- Really?
- Really.

Just get it on paper this time, okay?


Finally, my big break
It was just the story I needed

to get into the Northwestern
Summer Journalism program

Instead of delivering papers this summer,
I'd be well on my way to writing for them

Give me a piece of loose leaf.

Come on, give me a piece of loose leaf.

Give me a pen.

What happened to the last pen I gave you?

Give me a pen, Funke. Give me a pen.

Just take it.

Everybody paid attention when
Francesca Fachini walked into a classroom

She was the national merit scholar,

the varsity soccer captain,
and the president's girlfriend

I'd interview her for the story,
just as soon as I grew some testicles


I'm fine. How are you?

The president was a busy man,
an important man,

and he was about to give me
the story of my high-school career

Could you please state your name,
year and Social Security number?

Paul Moore, I'm a senior.

I'm not going to give you my Soc.

Aren't you the freshman
they tied to the snowman penis?


As president, how would you say
you are going to handle

the recent drop in ACT and SAT scores?

Well, what would you have me do about it?

Seriously, you've seen me on the boards.
I'll do whatever it takes it get it done.

And that's a Paul Moore promise.
To you, to St. Donovan's.

To Paul Moore.
You know what I'm talking about?

After 30 minutes in the shower,
one thing was clear

Paul was all length and no depth

He didn't give you a whole lot?
How could he not give you a whole lot?

Look at the guy. People love him.

He's like fucking JFK, he's smart,
he's charismatic, he's good-looking,

he's a tenacious athlete.

I'm sorry, Tad. I didn't realize
you felt that way about him.


Ongatumamwe with the rebound!
The man from Sudan!

Come on! Call that!

That's a timeout, Friars

Come on, bring it in,
bring it in. Let's go.

What's going on out there, guys?

You guys look like a dump
that I took last Thanksgiving!

- What's the matter, Pauley?
- I don't know, Coach. I'm not feeling it.

You got to feel it, son.
You got to feel the flow and go.

You understand, son?
You feel, flow, go, hoop, win.

Pauley! Ball game!

No one understands why you got
the Moore story instead of Tad Goltz.

I'm sure there's a lot
you don't understand, Tad.

Yeah? Well,
I understand art when I see it.

- On a road trip?
- Yeah.

Marlon Piazza,
Bobby Funke, I write for the paper.

Doing a piece on Paul Moore.
I was wondering...

Piss off, dork.

Those gentle giants were the pillars
of St. Donovan's Student Council

Marlon Piazza, vice-president
and Francesca's step-brother

Matt Mullen, head hall monitor
and noted date-rapist

Marty Mullen, class secretary
and former child's underwear model

Oh, God! Oh, God, no!
Did you hear that pop?

- I think I heard a pop!
- There was no pop!

- Can we give Mr. Moore some room, please?
- Watch out.

You all right, Paul?

- Should we get him up?
- Let's get him up. Come on Paul!

Pack it up. Pack it up!

The basketball game
wasn't all we lost that night

Like Nixon's men at Watergate,
a thief crept in and stole our innocence

What kind of effing a-hole would do
something like this, Nancy?

I don't know, sir.
Should I call the police?

No. Bring me the list.

Whenever trouble came to St. Donovan's,

the principal rounded up
the same old delinquents

But that dark morning,
there was one new name on the list

Bobby Funke!

Actually, it's pronounced "Funke".

Principal's office, now.

- Always feel nice in here.
- My ass itches.

Who is this guy? What's his name?

Bobby Funke.

- Frankie.
- Funke.

Looks like a little gentleman.

- He does. Look at him.
- Looks like a stockbroker.


Don't look at me.

What happened to your face, man?

Look at it. It's like you have
a culo on your face.

Got a culo

Did you ever get a man on your back?

Breathing hard. Riding you, like a horse.


I assume you all know why you're here.

Let me guess.

You finally want to start that boy-band
you've been dreaming about.

Landis, do I come down to the strip club
where you work

and knock the dick out of your mouth?

Against the wall. You're late.

Actually, I'm not entirely certain
why I'm here, sir.

Really? It's fascinating.

This is why you're here! This!

That's sick.

You've got a gum problem

that's rapidly turning into
an attitude problem.

That's why you're here!

I don't like gum.

I don't like your snooping around.

You are all filth.

Your parents have obviously spoiled you
or, in your case, possibly abused you,

a little too much.

Now, one of you little vermin

broke into this office
and stole the SATs last night.

Of this I am certain.

I beg you, I beseech you,
do not come forward.

Because I will have the pleasure
of tracking you down,

much the same way that I tracked down
that camel-humping ammunitions envoy

2 klicks east of the Tigris,
the birthplace of civilization.

Mr. Cipriato?

Do you know what the Arabic word
"la hariq" means?

- No.
- It means, "Don't shoot".

"Don't shoot!"

May want to remember that.


Hey, Francesca.

Hey, Funke.

So, what are you doing in the men's room?

Well, I thought I might find a man
in here, are you a man, Funke?

I'm just screwing with you.

I just need your help.

With what?

Whoever stole the SATs.
I need you to find them and get them back.

I aced that thing, I know it.
I was just in the zone.

Do you know what "mastication" means?

- No.
- Me, neither. But in that moment, I did.

It was perfect.
I need you to find those tests.

Why me?

I don't know,
I've got a feeling about you, Funke.

This stuff's right up your alley.

So do you have any idea
who might have taken the SATs?

We took the SATs?

I didn't. I didn't.

Did you take them?

No, I didn't take them.
Everyone was in the classrooms.

That's what all the commotion was about.

Okay, where were you last night?

That's where I was last night.

Hey, Funke. Funke, want a gumball?

It's good. It's soft. It's sweet.

I'm not falling
for the gumball trick, Cipriato,

so you can put your ballbag
back in your pants.

What's it like sucking on
another man's fingers?

What's it like stealing the SATs?

I asked you first.

- Where were you that night?
- What do you care?

I'm writing your biography.

Fine, let me copy off you
and I'll tell you.


I was at the Park Arms with my nana,
playing bingo.

I got 30 fucking geriatrics
that can back that up.

I'm touched, Cipriato.

Not a word, Funke.

After tailing Landis, I discovered
her secret life outside of school

She opened up, once I promised
to keep her ice-capades under wraps

I don't know who took them, Nancy Drew,
but I do know it happened during the game.

I was out in the parking lot last night
and I saw some flashlight

bounce around in Kirkpatrick's office.

What were you doing in the parking lot?

I was probably getting fingered
by Dutch Middleton.

Okay. Thanks, Landis.

Long time no see, Rocky.

Weekends and holidays, man.

- Thanks.
- Did you do it?

No. You?

I wish. Those tests are the tool
of the racist bourgeoisie.

Back to your cage, butt-boy.

Last night? No, man.
I got picked up for possession,

spent the night in holding.
It's the creepy. You know.

I was fucked up.

That's some alibi.

Fuck it, fuck it. Hold this.
This is my jam, man.

None of these bad apples
had stolen the tests

Their alibis were like Dutch ovens
Gamey, but airtight

Maybe I was looking at it all wrong
Maybe a good kid was behind it

What scares you, Funke?

You know what scares me? Injustice.

You know why? Because it's everywhere.

You think I don't see Cipriato
behind me jerking off right now?

He's a dead man. I'll deal with him.

But the thing about fighting injustice
is choosing your battles wisely.

And my battle right now is to find out
where are my missing SATs.

Now, I don't know your involvement
in all this, Funke,

but I'm watching you.

I got both eyes open and they're on you.

- You read me?
- Yes. Yes.

You bleed, Funke. We all bleed.

Thank you, sir.

Tad, am I going to get my story
on the girls' bowling team any time soon?

Get off my fucking back, Clara!

Nobody gives 2 shits about girls' bowling.

I give 2 shits, okay?

How many more shits
do I need to get a story from you, Tad?

And Bobby?


Where's my story on Paul Moore?

Paul was a good kid, maybe
his bum knee wasn't so bad...

Maybe my puff piece
was no pastry...

It's on its way.

So... um, how long... uh,

So how did Paul's knee
look that night?

Okay... Why?

Well, because, Nurse Platt...
Paul injured it.

That's why they
brought him here.


I thought he had diarrhea.

But he was limping, so...
I guess he did hurt his little stem.



So... um, were you... Were you here
with him in the office the whole time?


Well, except I got hungry, and Paul
said I should get something to eat.

His treat.

So, I went across the street
and got a gyro...

at that Greek place,
Little Spyros.

Have you ever been there?
It's so good.

Do you mean to tell me
that Paul was alone in here?

I mean, so good.

How long did you leave Paul
on his own that night?

Hey, D.

When I go get Greek food,
how long does it take me?

About 20 minutes.
You know, more or less.

Hey, what's up, Frankie?

Look, just get me the sandwich.

Yeah, I want a foot-long
spicy Italian sausage.

That's right. Yeah.
I got one and I want one.

see that's a double-entendre.

Yeah. That's right.
I coached English for 2 seasons.

I gotta go. I gotta go.

- All right, so where were we?
- Um... uh...

Paul Moore's
college prospects.

You know, grades have never
been Paul's strong suit.

But, you know, if he wants
to go Ivy, he'll get in.

Believe me, that boy will do
whatever it takes to win.

That's P'M'W.
That is the Paul Moore way.

P~Moore! P~Moore!

The coach gave me Paul's motive.
The nurse, opportunity.

My gut said I had my guy.

But on the way home, I realized
I needed an inside source...

to back it all up.

I also needed
to get my license.

Lately me and the DMV
weren't seeing eye-to-eye.

And when parking along a curb
on an uphill slope,

we turn our wheels to the...

And when there's a yellow light,

we approach the intersection
at a nice...


And when we come to an object
in the road... like a dog, we...


I was looking for
corroboration on my story.

Woodward and Bernstein
had their Deep Throat.

I needed mine. Fortunately,
I knew just the girl.

She sounded hesitant on the phone,
but told me where I could find her.

Hey, Chrissy?

I'm a friend of your brother Paul.

No. No, you're not.

How do you know?


Well, has Paul ever taken you
to one of his games before?

You're a high-schooler
and you don't have a car?

Why don't you have a car?

That's irrelevant, Chrissy.

I want a unicorn.


You know, when I was your age,
I wanted a pet giraffe.

Giraffes suck.
Get me a unicorn,

and I'll tell you so many secrets
about Paul, very secret secrets.

Here's the thing, Chrissy,
unicorns don't actually exist.

A stuffed-animal unicorn, doofus!

Chrissy Moore was one unicorn
well spent.

After she filled in the blanks,

my story was right there
in front of me.

But I still had no solid proof.

Were my hunches enough
to write the article?

Fuck it...
Woodward and Bernstein.

Hey, I won't tell you again,

This is P~Moore's shampoo!

I've got enough clout around here
to get your ass deported for less.

You... uh, fellows here
for the cockfight?

This story's gonna start, like,
a frigging coup d'etat on this bitch.

Thanks, man...
I like your dreads.


I didn't do anything.
I didn't do anything.

This is crazy.
I didn't do anything.

Hey, I'm the president.
I'm the president. I'm Paul Moore.

I'm Paul Moore.

I didn't do any...
I didn't do anything.

It's all right.
I didn't do anything. Don't worry.

- Open it up.
- I didn't do...

Open it up.

I don't...
I don't know where those...

I don't know what those are.
Those aren't Paul Moore's!

I don't...

I don't know how those got...

Let's go.

Come on, Paul. Don't fight it.

This is crazy. I'm a patsy!
I'm a patsy!

"But in the end
Paul Moore kept his promise.

"He did whatever it took
to get the job done.

"Even the unthinkable.
PMW. The Paul Moore way".

The name's Bobby Funke.

I write for the paper.

So I just want everyone to know
that I'm submitting this article.

to the Northwestern people
with my highest recommendation.

I wanted to thank you
for finding the SATs.

And for showing me
what a douche Paul really is.

See, the thing is, I seem to
have lost my date to homecoming,

and I wanted to know
if you'd go with me.

You wanna go to homecoming
with me?

Well, not like "go" go.

- I mean, not like for real.
- Yeah.

It's just everyone already has a date.

- Right.
- Except for the mathletes...

and maybe that wrestler
with the jock itch on his face.

So yeah...

The only person
I can go with is you.

I still don't see why
you wanna go with me.

Yeah, why not? I mean, you're like
the school's Wolf Blitzer now.

Wolf Blitzer's like a TV reporter.
I'm into Woodward and Bernstein.

You already have a date?

What? No. I just...

Then you can pick me up at 8:00.

And no wrist corsages.
Get the kind with the pin.

I don't mind a little prick
every once in a while.

St. Donovan's, good morning.
This is your principal, Mr. Kirkpatrick.

As you know... uh, there's been a
regime change here at the school,

and your new president,
Marlon Paizza,

- is gonna say a few words...
- Piazza.

- What?
- Marlon Piazza.

- What's that? Italian?
- I think so

Marlon Piazza is going to say
a few words to you Stand by

You're on the air. No effing around, huh?

Thank you, sir. Fellow students,

this has been a difficult time
for all of us.

But do not lose faith in this institution,

because from great tragedy
comes great triumph

Let me be the first to say
that the actions of your ex-president

It's open.

Hey, Marlon.

So is it true that she got
a perfect score on her SATs?

Yeah, her freshman year, I'll let you
play with her tits for 20 bucks.

Hey, Funke. You're good.

It's a nice place you got here.

Have a good look while you can.
I doubt you'll be coming by again.

I guess that I should congratulate you
on your new presidency.

Isn't it funny how someone can be
your average cakewalk VP one day

and then head of the school the next?

Yeah. It's like how someone
can be the school joke one day

and then go to homecoming with the
hottest girl at St. Donovan's the next.

She's, like, your half-sister, right?


Hey, Funke.

Hey, Francesca.

Wow, you look awesome.


You look pretty good yourself.

Like your shoes.

She doesn't have to go
to the hospital again, does she?

Is your car out front?

Well, it's such a nice night,
I thought that we could walk.

Sorry about that. I just can't seem
to get away from my friends sometimes.

Yeah. I know what you mean.

You still want that dance?

Quantum physics is bullshit!

Yeah. You don't know
what is inside of a black hole

because, you know, stuff goes in

but nothing comes out.

Just like Laura Hoffner's box.

You think I'm a bitch, don't you?

I mean, you can be honest.
I don't care either way.

I'm just curious.
Do you think I'm a bitch?

- Kind of.
- Seriously?

Well, I mean, no, like I thought
you were, but... and then...

I don't know. Now, I think that maybe
you're just misunderstood.

Nobody's misunderstood.

That's just what people say
when they don't like who they are.

If you think I'm a bitch,
then I guess it's because I am.

But then I guess you're going to have
to come to terms

with the fact
that you're into a girl who's a bitch.

Well, how do you feel
about newspaper dorks?

I'll let you know when I see one.

Great. You know, I better go get Marlon
before Kirkpatrick castrates him.

Thanks for the dance, Funke.

Dude, I think that chick
just winked at me.

She's not bad.

Yeah, for a pirate.

I'm going to go spit in the punch.

Hey, you light on your feet, Funke.
That's good.

- Thanks.
- But we notice

you having a problem out there.

- I do? What?
- It's your hard-on.

Yeah, that close to a girl like her,
it's natural.

I didn't realize it was so obvious.

What you're gonna wanna do,
okay, is you tuck that thing

into the side of your boxer shorts,
so it runs down the leg.

That way you can contain it.

It's like getting a stiff rod
when you're taking a dump.

A shit boner.

Yeah. Then you got to jam it into the bowl
like it owes you money.

But you don't want to dunk it.
It's not a clown. Down!

But you also don't want to
get the peepee on your shirt.

It's a no-win situation.

At ease, gentlemen.
Erections or otherwise.

I remember similar conversations
with my men

when we were tracking the towel-heads
to their tariqs

Pitch-black little spider holes
no wider than a hula hoop.

Like the Charlotte, the web.

Do you understand what he's saying?

Fear, Mr. Delacruz.
That's what I'm talking about. Fear.

Fear is the middle name of war,
Mr. Delacruz.

I learned that in the Storm.

What is the Storm, sir?

213 days in country.
Terrible heat.

The sound of mortar fire day and night
ringing in your ears.

The occasional dog exploding.

But I used to lead men.

Men that reminded me of you, Mr. Funke.

On your feet, son.

I want to thank you for your help
in getting those SATs back.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

- I'm sorry for being such a jerk-off.
- It's okay.

If I ever catch you chewing that in class,
I'll kill you.

- You read me?
- Like Cliff Notes, sir.

Good. Go out there and have a good time.

How's it feel?

Like I just got punched in the mouth.

My life is over now, dick!
I didn't steal those SATs!

Then where were you
between 7:45 and 8:10 that night?

Who the hell do you think you are?
Inspector Gadget?

You really think I'd chance
everything for a test score?

I'd already gotten into Cornell.

Well, then why did you take
the SATs again?

I just wanted to see if I could do better.

Man, you wouldn't know the truth
if it was staring you in the face.

Hello, Cornell Goodbye, motive

I still thought Paul was an asshole,

but maybe he wasn't the kind of asshole
who'd steal the SATs

That sting wasn't my mouth
I was starting to doubt my story

Well done, Bobby.
You got into the Northwestern program.

Wait, one more thing.

Some grad student by the name of
Striedel will be in contact

to fact-check the article.

It's just a formality.

You're on your way.

Sure I was on my way To the gallows

If I didn't set the story straight

before the fact-checker
found something crooked,

Northwestern would go south

And then I'd be blacklisted
from every paper

and college journalism program
in the country

In-school suspension

Cruel and unusual punishment
reserved solely for dangerous offenders

Rocky was on permanent lockdown

for doing a custom paint job
on Kirkpatrick's car

I'm going to need 5 minutes with Moore.

You got 3.

Aren't you supposed to be in homeroom?

Maybe I got to thinking.

Maybe you should have done that sooner.

Where were you that night?

You think it's that easy?

You think I can just tell you where I was
and it's gonna set it all straight?

I mean, take a look around you, Funke!

I'm screwed now no matter what I say.

So then just tell me the truth.

If you didn't do it, I'm all you got.

And you only got me
for one more minute, so spill it!

Come on.

Last year I did some things
on the basketball court

I'm not exactly proud of.

Like what?

Shaving points. Twice last season.

It was 2 times too many.
I only did it because I needed the money.

What for?

It doesn't matter.

When I was approached this year,
I turned them down.

We had a shot at State.

I wasn't going to mess that up
for my senior year.

So this person who approached you,
you think that he may have set you up?

I don't know. Maybe.

Give me his name. What's his name, Moore?

Look, if you don't get cooperative,
I can't help you!

You've got to give me his name, now!

You got to start thinking with your head!

You know the amount of power
that comes with the presidency!

Everybody wants a piece of me!

All right, time's up, Funke.

You're getting the animals all riled up.

What's his name, Moore?

Look, I said time's up.

- Give me his name.
- Come on. Come on.

- What's his name?
- Freddy Bismark.

Where do I find him? Moore!

Bobby Funke,
please report to the office immediately

- Hello?
- Robert Funke?

Hey, yeah.
Well, actually it's pronounced "Funk".

No, it's not This is Ben Striedel,
Northwestern University

I'm fact-checking your story here, chief

It's not bad Not exactly good, either

Excuse me?

So we're going to need
the following from you

Transcriptions of your interviews

A bibliography, MLA style match

Your notes Pretty much anything
pertaining to your story

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.

I'm just going to need some time
to get it together.

So can I get your number or something?


Wait! What? Hello?

I had to find Freddy Bismark

And there was one place
I knew I could track down

even the most elusive characters

It's freaky, isn't it?

And apparently, they just got results
back from the ACTs.

Some of our best and brightest bombed it.


You see Shamus Finnle over there?

- His teeth are chattering.
- It's probably from the Prylert.

Really? I didn't know
that Shamus had ADD.

For a reporter,
you're really out of the loop.

Half the school
is taking Prylert right now,

or Axitol or Ripenol, maybe Faldox.

All just nice words for speed.

If a kid needs a study aid,
he'll find a way to get one.

Shamus Finnle.

Supply and demand, son.

I found Freddy Bismark

where all high-school graduates
go on to live in infamy

They say a picture is worth 1,000 words,

but his senior quote
is worth a goddamn encyclopedia

"Dolla dolla bills, y'all!"

You're not supposed to be looking at that.

It's called study hall
because you're supposed to study.

What are you, a cop?

I'm looking for the business.

And no, no, you cannot pay me back
on your meal card.

I need cash.
This is a business I'm running.

I know it's your bar mitzvah money,
but I have to take it.

You lost the bet.


I will take... Yes, I'll a check!

But if it bounces, I'm coming after you.

This is real stuff. You owe me 20 bucks!

I'm sorry, we're closed for the semester.
No more pledges.

I'm here about Paul Moore.

Suck it!

Let me explain something to you.

I don't know thing one about Paul Moore.

His name means nothing to me.

I have kids on over half the teams
on this district.

And those pill poppers
are begging me to throw games.

And if I had to go out
and personally frame each one

that didn't want to brick a lay-up for me,

I wouldn't have time
to spend the money that I make.

And as you can see,
I like spending the money that I make!

I mean, look around.
That painting is from the 16th Chapel.

That's the first chapel ever.

So what was the money for?

Oh, my God!
I'm going to slap you in the face.

I don't know. He was having girl problems!

What's that supposed to mean?

He was having problems
with girls. All right?

Come on, for a fellow Friar.

No! Not for a fellow Friar.
For you to get the fuck out of here!

Okay. It was some chick from McKinley.
That's all I know.

Now, I'll see you, little man.

Don't hurt yourselves.

If Freddy Bismark didn't frame Paul,
then maybe the girl problem was behind it

There's the old wise guy.


Those pubes come in yet?

You still eating your mom's dirty tampons?

Only when I'm hungry

So as I was saying on the phone,

I managed to implicate
our school president in a sordid theft

and in the process steal his girlfriend.

- So what's the problem?
- Bitch.

I'm not so sure the guy did it anymore.

Have you ever seen this guy around?

Yeah, that's Valerie's boyfriend.
You're dating Valerie?

The plot thickens, Elliot.

I get it, peach fuzz.

You think maybe I got tired
of being Paul's little plaything?

Thought I'd teach him a lesson?
It wasn't like that.

What do you mean?

Paul and I had something real, okay?
He could be himself around me.

So what was the money for, then?

That's got nothing to do with anything.

Look, Valerie,

if Paul's innocent,
then you can help him by helping me.


Ready for the after-school special
they call my life?

I owed money to some unpleasant people.

They were ready to collect on me
as interest.

Paul wouldn't stand for it.
Someone tells him about Freddy Bismark.

Paul has 2 off nights.

My debt goes away.

Paul threw 2 games for you.

He would've thrown the entire season
if I'd asked him to.

Valerie was another dead end

If Paul was keeping her a secret,

I wondered
what else he was holding back on

I know that some of you kids know
that I fought in Desert Storm

And you know why? I fought for you kids,

and I fought for this country
and this school!

For St. Donovan's!

It's no joke!

Sometimes, I don't know,
I can get carried away,

but I wrote this song last night
and I want you to sing it with me

If you want, you can sing it,
you can march, yeah!

Come on, kids, sing it with me!

What's going on?

Kirkpatrick's on some
school-spirit rampage.

He canceled a. m. classes
to have a pep rally.

Merci, Kirkpatrick.

You can sing if you want
You can march if you want!


And on that note, St. Donovan's

Marlon Piazza

For far too long
we have stood as a school divided

Today let us stand together

Let us create a better tomorrow

As I stand here today
I don't see freshman or sophomores

I see Friars!

Marlon, can you hear me?

It's a paintball, you pussy!

This way! This way, children!

I'm hit! I'm hit!


I'm going to go to the vending machine
for some pretzels.

Do you want anything from downstairs?

How about a bandage?

Forget it.

Nurse Platt's phone.

Just got word your boy shot some kids

How does that sit with the facts
of your story, I'd like to ask, Funke?

Striedel, how the hell did you...

I have not Yes, yes

I have not received your notes
on the story, boss

Well, yeah, I know I've been
doing some backtracking to,

you know, locate everything.

Backtracking, huh?
There was a kid a few years back,

said he was doing some backtracking

Turned out he fabricated the whole story
to get into the program

They kicked him out, of course
Blackballed him

Last I heard he was working
as a pharmaceutical test subject

for carpal tunnel syndrome

Your story's thin, kid

Do you really think
you can pull one over on Ben Striedel?

I want your notes, stat


There's something that I need to tell you.

Not before I get to say thank you.

For what?

For saving my life out there.

It was just a paintball gun.

Yeah, but you didn't know that, did you?

Look, Francesca, as an ethical journalist

and a man who's dedicated to the truth,

I think you should know
that your boyfriend was probably...

He's not my boyfriend.

Now what did you want to tell me?

That was nice shooting
out there, Mr. Moore.

Another 3 inches to the left and
you would have had a kill shot on me.

You got this all wrong.
I didn't steal the SATs.

Anything else?

Yeah. This place sucks!

You'll be sucking soon enough, Mr. Moore.

They locked Paul away at some
undisclosed private institution

My story put him there
Now it was my job to get him out

I'll tell you whatever you want to know.

Meds, 3 times a day.


Paul Moore way.

Paul, I need your help.

I know someone framed you
for stealing the SATs,

but I just don't know who.
Who do you think framed you?

Who set you up? Come on, Paul.

Are you here to take me home?

After 3 hours, the only thing
I got outta Paul...

was a sinking feeling
in my stomach.

Alright, Mitch, we're looking
for weapons, obviously,

anything that can kill
a student.

Knives, guns.
But it's not always obvious.

Are you kidding me?
You know the rule about gum!

Raise your arms, please. With the women,
you want to use the backs of the hands.

The backs of the hands, Mitch.

Last rule. Most important rule.

You're gonna wanna fuck them.

Do not fuck the students,
do you understand?

The scene of the crime

Give a lunatic a paintball gun
and you'd expect a Jackson Pollock

But Paul was more precise

Every shot counted But for what?

Francesca? That's easy She broke his heart

Me? I broke the story

Kirkpatrick? Mercy killing

But what about Alex Schneider,
the school treasurer?

What about Marlon and the Mullens?

They were his friends
and fellow members of the student council

If Paul's painting meant something,
maybe those guys could explain it to me

Yo, check it out,
it's that slut Laura Hoffner.

Dude, you don't even
want to know what I did to that ass!

Probably the same thing
I did to your mom's ass.

Dude, that's Mom. Our mom.


Yo, yo, check it out. I got this move
that I like to call the operator, right?

It's when I'm railing a girl,

and then I reach down
and steal her cell phone

and I call up her dad so he can listen
to me do her.

- Yeah, Daddy. Yes...
- Father's very special.

Are you lost, freshman?

Why did he shoot you, Marlon?

He shot you, too, didn't he?

Yeah. Well, he shot you first.

Hey, you want detention for the
rest of your life, fuck face?

Hey, Funke,
why don't you... uh,

Why don't you
come to my house on Friday?

I'm gonna have a little party.

No, dude. Come on.

It's okay. I mean, he just wants
to ask me some questions, right?

For the school paper.

I mean, I don't wanna get
on his bad side.

We all saw what happened to Moore.

Funke, you made it.

So this is a party.

Yeah, well, you knew enough
to be fashionably late.

Well, no, actually
I had a flat tire, so...

20 bucks says that toothpaste
doesn't do a goddamn thing.

I'll fucking smoke it myself.

Smoke what you got, man.

You want a beer?

Well, actually I have to get up early
for my driver's test. Okay.

It's good.

It's like a good brew, it's really...
It's really cold.

I'm so going to corrupt you.

- Shit! No!
- Okay, man.

Hey, Marlon, you and Paul Moore

have been on the student council together
for 2 years.

In all that time did he ever seem...

- Funke.
- Yeah?

It's a party.

Yeah, Funke,
you can put this on the record, okay?

Tastes minty.

Tastes like a veal cutlet.

No, it's like... It's like a baby
lamb chop with the mint jelly.

Tastes like a joint, you fags!

Beer pong. Just focus on the cup.

Come on, Funke,
give me your best shot.

Nice shot!


Hold this.

All right, let's play this game.

I've got winners.

- Yo, what do you want us to do with him?
- Take him upstairs.

Tie him up.

I can take another one of those 2 bitches,
all right? Give me one.

Where's the toothpaste?

Hey, it's baby Funke.

Take it. Take it like a man.

The little prick told me he was going
to a seminar on surveillance technology.

I feel bad for him.
He's totally gaga for that cum-dumpster.

A single pussy hair
can pull a battleship through the desert.

- Hey. What are you guys doing here?
- Think about it.

The real question is,
what are you doing here?

I'm just... I'm doing research
for the school paper.

Yeah. You're writing a story
on Francesca's pink beav.

No, seriously.

Listen to me.
You need to sink the pink tonight, hermano

I hope you... before,
that way you can last.

Yeah. You don't want to be a premie.

A premie?

Word gets around.

It's true. She's used to Paul Moore.
That guy can last.

How do you know?

- I just know.
- Hey, Funke, listen.

After you come,
you're going to hate her, hate her.

I don't know why, but you will.

- Well, I gotta get back.
- To do the story.

- Right?
- Right.

Dig deep, hermano.

Yeah, balls deep.

See you guys on Monday.

Keep it going. Come on.
Give me somethin', give me somethin'.


Work with me!

Hey, stranger.
So I wanted to talk to you...

about a follow-up
to your story.

I was thinking like,
maybe an editorial piece...

on the student council
or something.

- Clara.
- Yeah?

It's a party.

Isn't this Marlon's room?

Yeah, well, somebody
already passed out in my bed.

Well, then won't he mind
that we're in here?

He doesn't care.

Cool planes.

What are you doing with me?

What kind of a question is that?

A good one.

Hey, I like you.

I like the way you look at me.
Like it's for real, you know?

Like you don't have to impress anyone.

Like if tomorrow
St. Donovan's would just disappear

you'd still look at me the way you do.

You get me, Funke.

I tried on, like, 11 shirts
before I came over here.

Yeah? Well, you know, I don't like it.

I think you need to take it off.

When do your parents come home?

My dad's out of town until Tuesday.

What about your mom?

My mom's dead, Funke.


I want you.

You get me.

Hey, Ashwood, you're pissing yourself.


Funke. Hey, Funke, untie me.

- Cipriato.
- Funke!

You're doing considerably better
this time around, Mr. Funke.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

Sorry, I just thought that
I should adjust this mirror a smidge.

- Safety first.
- That's very good of you, Mr. Funke.

I know.

The Mullens' van Grass, gas or ass
Nobody rode for free

What were the good brothers
doing up so early?

You know, I think I'm just going
to parallel-park here.

I was just going to have you
do that back at the DMV lot.

Yeah, I know but this
is such a challenging spot.

I'm really feeling it today.
For me, it's all about the aesthetic.

- The aesthetic?
- Yeah.

Well, I must say, Mr. Funke,
that was some mighty fine parking.

Yeah, that was pretty good, wasn't it?

2 pharmacies in 5 minutes
That must've been some case of crabs

Well, I never thought I'd see the day,

but I'd say you're about to
get yourself a driver's license.

- Really?
- Really.

It was my license or the scoop
My freedom or the truth

Woodward and Bernstein.
Woodward and Bernstein.

All you have to do is get me back
to the DMV in one piece...

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Put your foot on that brake. Come on!
Stop the car!

Put your foot on the brake!
What are you doing?

4 pharmacies and
a dozen traffic violations later,

Alex Schneider and the Mullens
were still making the rounds

So I guess I'll see you next month.

- Get the fuck out.
- Fair enough.

My driver's test
had posed some new questions

Fortunately, I knew just the people
to help me find the answers

This is going to cost you, you know?

What's going on, Landis?

You're not supposed to do that
unless there's a fire.

Can't you see the fire, lamb chop?

It's in my heart.

And it's burning for you.

Where'd you get all those keys?

- I'm sleeping with the janitor.
- Seriously?

Later, Funke.

I didn't know
what I was looking for exactly

But so far,
every clue had one common denominator

The student council

See, man, cut it, cut it. Look...

- What's up?
- Dude, we're gonna need some beers, man,

because I'm not feeling it
unless I got my rhyme sauce.

And make sure it's cold.

Yo, yo, yo. Get me some antacid, too,
while you're at it.

I got mad indigestion, bro.

- Let's do this shit.
- Okay. No, no, no.

You guys sound really good in there.

Jesus, Funke!
What the hell are you doing in my car!

Just a little light reading.

Student council treasury ledger.
It's a real page-turner, isn't it?

Money disappears and then reappears.
Schneider is a regular Houdini.

I don't know
what you're talking about, Funke.

Sure you do, Marty.

But maybe it's time for you to come clean.

Become your own man.

You know what, Funke? You're right.

Try not to get blood on the carpet.
My mom will get pissed.

Francesca, hey, pick up.
I need to talk to you about Paul.

Did he ever mention anything about

Schneider or the Mullens
having a drug problem?

Anyway, I'll try you again later.

Okay. I love you.
I mean, I love hanging out with you.

Oh, Gertrude

My anaconda is sore and it needs a massage

I love you

Hey, what's going on?

Didn't you hear?


Here, here, breathe that in, Funke.

The big news was that everyone
had to retake the SATs

The stolen tests had been nullified
under suspicion of tampering

But I had my own suspicions to follow

I needed to stay on their tail

I needed evidence I needed photos
I needed

Hey, stinky.

I think you need to come home with me.

You know, I'm concerned about the lack
of parental supervision at your house.

Yeah? You want to be my daddy?

Is that a good look?

You're like a cool dinosaur.

I can't see anything right now.

I'm totally blind.

Paul, the Northwestern program

Suddenly none of it seemed to matter

The hole in my side, the one
that always kept me hungry, was gone

Guess that meant I was happy

You shouldn't have done that.

"Funke, frosh,
steals tests and pins it on the prez

"for a bid at Fran's hand "

Son of a bitch!

One thing was clear,
Tad Goltz couldn't write for shit

- What the hell is this!
- You tell me.

There's no way that story checks out!

Schneider has been cooking the books!

What does that have to do with Paul Moore?

Nothing, but maybe Moore had nothing to do
with the SATs

- in the first place.
- Bobby, just stop.

I really believed in you.

And I thought that you were
one of the few kids in school

that didn't need to be popular.

I'm recommending that Tad
get your summer scholarship.


I'm late for AP English.

Smooth move, Doctor Love.

You actually think
I went to all the trouble of stealing

the SATs just so I could go out
with Francesca?

I would.

Francesca and I are in love, Cipriato.

Maybe that's something
you can't emotionally comprehend yet.


Francesca. Francesca, it's not true.

Goltz is full of shit!

Did Paul steal them or not?

Well, I don't think so,
but that's not...

I trusted you, Funke.

This is bigger
than me and you. Okay?

This is bigger
than Paul Moore. This is...

- Everyone, please sit down.
- Francesca.

Francesca, look,
you gotta believe me, okay?

In here we only speak Spanish.

Can I just get the hall pass?

The hall pass.

Only speak Spanish.

- I got to talk to some people.
- I need to see some people...

tell me, I need to see
some people... ooh.

Could I just get
the hall pass, please?

No, sit down.

- Please, I need...
- Sit down.

Well, well.

Now, page fifty-eight.

Mr. Funke,
your homework... uh, hm?

- I don't have it.
- Why not?

Porque no 'Cause I'm the only one
in this whole class...

who didn't copy it off Steve!

I don't like your attitude,
Mr. Funke, huh?

Yeah, well, no me gusta
any of this bullshit!

Padre Lewy, excuse the interruption,
uh, I need to speak with Mr. Funke.

- Mr. Funke, come with me.
- Good bye.

Thank God,
you got me outta there.

You wouldn't believe some of
the stuff that I've uncovered.

I don't even know where to start.

Point shaving, theft, embezzling.

A pharmaceutical drug ring.

- Is that gum in your mouth?
- There's these pills, right?

- Half the school...
- I just asked you, are you chewing gum?

That's... That's irrelevant.

I think there's something
really serious going on here.

You seem to be a little foggy
as to why I'm here, Mr. Funke.

From what I understand, you've made
a mockery of this entire high school.

You seem to think
that this is some kind of circus

and that I am some kind of clown.

I'm not an effing clown.

And I'm not here to bring joy

and love and light and laughter
into your effing heart!

Now I'm going to ask you
one more time.

And this time I expect an answer.




in your mouth?

Is this gum in my mouth?

Is this gum in my mouth?
Yeah, it is, actually. It's gum.

It's gum. It's gum! It's gum!
It's gum! It's gum! It's gum!

I chew it all the time, 24l7.
I've got a fucking jumbo pack...

in my pocket right now!

My locker, filled to the brim with gum!
No books, just gum!

Now I am trying to talk to you

about matters
of the utmost importance here,

and you're talking to me about gum?

Bathroom breaks, you get one.
Right after lunch.

Bring your work in
first thing in the morning,

which means you can get it done
by the end of third period.

Which is nice because
it gives you the rest of the day

to pretty much do whatever.

You get 15 minutes in the yard,
twice a week.

Mind and body, Funke, mind and body.

What should I do about Francesca?

Get some good porn
and pray that she calls.

- Hello?
- Hello, dickhead

You have got to be kidding me.

I've got 2 stories on my desk

and one contradicts
the living shit out of the other

Did you really think that you could
pull one over on old Ben Striedel?

Did you?
Because that's wholesale crazy, chief!

I have a 175 IQ.
That means I skipped the 3rd grade

You don't understand, Striedel.
I was framed.

The school treasurer is moving
money around to sell drugs.

That's rich Now you're going to
frame the treasurer?

Is the class secretary next?

What's the money got to do
with stolen SATs?

They're 2 completely separate things.

Let me give you a freebie, kid

Money's got something
to do with everything

That's Investigative Journalism 
Follow the money, dipshit
You got till Monday to give me the truth

I'm gonna call a time out.

Time out?

That was good.


It's a hit! Fuck!

I told you putting it in there
was a bad idea.

Really, Stinky Landy?
I put it where you wanna put it.

That's nice. Is it new?

No, it's my mom's.

Well, connect the dots.

I told you not to line up
the ships like that.

It's like Pearl Harbor.

Could you guys please
just use your library voices.

Sorry, I'm just trying to think.

You can't let Goltz get
one up on you, Funke.

That guy is an enormous vagina.

Connect the dots

Connect them, come here

What are you looking at, Funke?

Funke, where you go?

These 4 walls. You just stay,
bounce... Like a pinball.

That's it. You can't run.

Hey, hall monitor!




it's a percentage of your life

4 years, 48 months, 1,461 days

High school is prom, football games,
boyfriends, girlfriends,

party at the rich kid's house
Fun, simple, wholesome

But it's really anything but

High school might be the least
wholesome 4 years of your life.

And there's nothing simple
about it.

High school is ugly,
hard and complicated.

As complicated as a conspiracy
to assassinate the president.

A conspiracy
about to be uncovered...

Alex Schneider
and the Mullen brothers...

had been selling prescription drugs
since their sophomore year.

The Mullens' dad was an orthopedist
with a habit of boning his patients.

When he split with one of them, the
hip doctor left his family his van...

and a box of prescription pads.

The brothers made due
with their inheritance.

But the Mullens weren't competent
enough to run things on their own.

Yo, shit biscuit!

These bottles
aren't gonna fill themselves.

Initially, the market for
academic performance enhancers...

wasn't as ripe as they'd hoped.

So like good businessmen,
they created a demand.

They sabotaged tests
throughout the school,

targeting the students they knew
would fold from the pressure.

If you erase enough bubbles,
you can erase a kid's future

Supply and demand, son.

Business boomed

So much so that they started
dipping into student council funds

to use as venture capital

P Moore wasn't exactly Alan Greenspan,

but it didn't take
an economic genius to figure out

that hundreds of dollars
were being shifted around weekly

Paul told Marlon what he'd discovered,

said he was going to put the kibosh
on Alex's creative accounting

Marlon couldn't have that

Things were too good He had big plans
and the president was in the way

He needed Paul out of the picture

What's going on, guys?


You just don't know when to quit,
do you?

Guess not. Gum?

Changing the answers on the SATs
so you can sell more drugs.

It's clever, Marlon.
Twisted, but clever nonetheless.

Should make for a great story.

Bad move, Funke. Open that window
and bring him over.

Okay, here's the real story.

Bobby Funke made a few
bad decisions,

lost his girlfriend,
and up and jumped out the window.

Just another tormented freshman.

I'm a sophomore, dick!

Throw his ass out.

- You won't do it.
- I won't?

These sorts of things
happen all the time.

There's a lot of pressure
here at St. Donovan's!

Throw him out!

Fine, I'll do it myself.

Hey! Let him go!

Put him down! Delicately.

How the hell did they know
you were here?

I might have made
an announcement.


Bob Woodward once said that
the 1st rule of good journalism...

is never reveal the story
before it goes to print...

But Woodward wasn't in love
with Francesca Fachini.

Before I cleared my name
with the school,

I had to clear it with her...

I had to tell her
I'd figured it all out.

Turns out, I hadn't.

You played me, Francesca.

You played Paul.

You played the whole damn school.

Look out! Look out...

I need everybody to
file out of this office.

Everybody except you 5.

The 5 of you
are in big fucking trouble!

Stay right here, get outta my way!
You, too, bonehead.

You'll never understand
why I did it.

Nobody's misunderstood, Francesca.

It's just what people say
when they don't like who they are.

Bobby, wait.

Forget it, Funke.
It's high school.

Special thanks to SergeiK.