Burn After Reading Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Burn After Reading script is here for all you fans of the Coen Brothers movie with Brad Pitt. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Burn After Reading quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Burn After Reading Script

Ozzie. Come on in.

Palmer. What's up?

You know Peck and Olson.

Peck, yes, hiya.
Olson, by reputation.

I'm Osborne Cox.

Yeah, hi.

Aren't you with...
Isn't he...

Yeah, that's right.
Have a seat.

Look, Oz, look.

There's no easy way to say this.

We're taking you off the Balkans desk.

What? Why?

In fact, we're moving you out 
of SIGINT entirely.

Just... No discussion?
Just "You're out"?

Well, we're having the discussion now.

Look, Oz, this doesn't have
to be unpleasant.

Palmer, with all due respect,

what the fuck are you talking about?

And why is Olson here?

Ozzie, look...

What the fuck is this?

- I know it's not my work.
- Ozzie.

I'm a great fucking analyst.

Okay, Ozzie.

Ozzie, things have not been going well,
as you know.

You have a drinking problem.

I have a drinking problem?

This doesn't have to be unpleasant.

We found something for you in State.
It's a...

Well, it is a lower clearance level. 

But it's not...
Look, we're not terminating you.


This is an assault.

I have a drinking problem?

- Fuck you, Peck. You're a Mormon!
- Ozzie.

Next to you, we all have
a drinking problem!

What the fuck is this?
Whose ass didn't I kiss? Huh?

- Let's be honest!
- Okay...

I mean, let us be fucking honest.

This is a crucifixion!
This is political!

And don't tell me it's not!

I have a drinking problem!

You're home.

Honey, hang on to your hat.
I've got some news.

Did you pick up the cheeses?


The cheeses?
Were they ready?

The cheeses?

I didn't realize you could 
be home so early.

Yeah. I left a message for you
to stop by Arnaud's.

The Magruders and the Pfarrers 
are coming this evening.

The Pfarrers...
What did Kathleen say?


When you left the message?

That she would give you the message.

Well, I don't know,
I guess we had bigger news today.

My day didn't revolve around whether...

Do you mean that you didn't 
pick up the cheeses?

Well, if I didn't get the message,

then I didn't pick up the cheeses.

- For fuck's sake, Ozzie.
- But, honey, hang on to your hat.

- What, now I have to go and pick them up?
- I have some news to...

Stay here and get dressed.

Honey, we have to talk.

Well, not now. I mean,
they're gonna be here in less than an hour.

Is that goat cheese?

Chèvre, yes,
that is a goat cheese.

'Cause I have a lactose reflux, and I can't...

You're lactose intolerant?

- Yeah, but I...
- Or you have acid reflux?

- They're different things.
- I know what they are.

So you misspoke.

Well, thank you for correcting me.

You should try the chèvre, Harry.
It's very good.

Yeah. I can eat goat cheese.

I was just telling your husband 
that I have a condition

where I go into
anaphylactic shock when I...

- Harry works in the Marshals Service, Doug.
- And my throat...

Oh! I'm on the legislative side.

I work with Senator Hobby.

I was with Treasury,
dealing with Homeland Security.

I'm with the Marshals now.

If you want, he'll show you
his great big gun.

Very funny.
Gun's no big deal.

Twenty years of Marshals Service,
I never discharged my weapon.

That sounds like something you 
should be telling your psychiatrist.

I don't have a psychiatrist.

Boy, I guess my job
is pretty undramatic.

I'm on the legislative side.

Mrs. Pfarrer, what do you do?

Do you also carry a big gun?

No, I write children's...

She writes children's books.

Yeah. Oliver, The Cat
Who Lives In The Rotunda.

- Those are wonderful!
- Thank you.

My nieces and nephews just love them.

Oh! Yeah, it's a beloved, beloved series.

Oh! Thank you.

You should see the fan mail she gets.

Are you sure this is goat cheese?

Why don't you let your wife tell them 
about her own books, Harry?

- Come with me into the kitchen.
- I'm sorry. Was I dominating?

Help with the crudités.

God damn it. He knows, doesn't he?
These are nice floors.

- Knows what?
- About us, he knows about us.

- Little prick.
- Don't be such an ass.

He doesn't know a thing.

What is that, Forbo?

What a horse's ass.

I don't know why we see them.

Well, she's all right.

She's a cold, stuck-up bitch.

You quit?


Well, thank you for telling me.

Well, I tried to tell you this...

You tried? You tried?

And then what, aphasia kicked in?

No. Then our guests came and then...

- Why? For fuck's sake, Ozzie.
- I don't know.

I just got so tired.

You're tired?

Yes, of swimming against the current.


Independent thought is not valued there.

They resist it. They fight it.
The bureaucracy is...

So they gave you a pension
or severance or something?

I didn't retire. I quit.
I don't want their benefits.

But my benefits,
they will do you, right?

They'll see you through,
is that the idea?

It's not like that's the only way
to make money.

Yes? Yes? 
Well, what're you gonna do?

I'll do some consulting.


Yes, to help out while...
I've always wanted to write.

Write. Write what?

I've been thinking about writing a book.

Or, you know, a sort of memoir.

You okay there, Dad?

Dad, I left my job at the Agency.

I'm sorry, Dad.

Government service is not the same 
as when you were in State.

Things are different now.

I don't know, maybe it's
the Cold War ending.

Now it seems like it's all bureaucracy
and no mission.

I'm writing a memoir.

I think it can be pretty explosive.

But I don't think you would disapprove.

I don't think you would disapprove.

Katie's had trouble accepting it.

But sometimes there's
a higher patriotism, Dad.

I know this kind of man.
We've seen this.

Mrs. Cox, you cannot let this man

take advantage of you,
and he will.

He will.

Yes. This is my fear.

Though he's trying...
Well, he says

he's trying to pull
himself together but...

Yeah. Look, sure, I'm obliged 
to tell you to try to salvage things,

and you should.
It's not unheard of

that people turn themselves around,

but you haven't broached 
the possibility of divorce yet.

- No.
- Well, that's good.

Because first you should get his financials
before he's forewarned.

Because here is a man...

Here is a man practiced in deceit.

This was almost, you could say,
it's his job,

and there is no reason it's not improper.

There is no reason you shouldn't get 
a picture of the household finances.

Paper files, computer files, whatever.
That's your prerogative.

You can be a spy, too, madam.

Do this, before he's put on alert.

Before the turtle can draw in 
his head and his...

- Feet.
- Feet.

And hopefully everything will work out.

He will reform.

But if not...

forewarned is forearmed.

We were young and committed
and there was nothing we could not do.

We thought of the Agency less...


The principles of George Kennan,

a personal hero of mine,

like the fabled Murrow's Boys,

at a time of...

You have reached the Cox Group.

We can't answer your call right...


I'm looking for Dr. Cox. 
Is she there?

No. She isn't.
Hers is the 5719 number.

This is the Cox Group,

but you can reach her on her portable
or at her office.

She's married!

Number four.

Has a boyfriend!

And number six.

She's pregnant!

I should try to get a run in.


Let all with one accord rejoice

In praise of Old Nassau

In praise of Old Nassau, my boys

Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!

Her sons will give
while they shall live

Three cheers for Old Nassau!

We take all the chicken fat
off your buttocks, here.


- And the upper arms.
- Mmm-hmm.

- And a little off your tummy.
- Yeah. Great.

Now, we do breast augmentation...

with a tiny incision here...

That marker tickles.

and here.

And what about the upper leg,
the higher inside thigh area?

Well, we can do liposuction there,
as well,

but that area will respond to exercise.

The buttocks and upper arms 
begin to store more fat

once you get up around 40.
The body just tells it to go there,

but the thighs will respond 
to toning exercises.

Yeah, I can work on my arms 
till the cows come home, but...

Well, also, there are of course
genetic factors.

The Litzkes have always been big.

Well, everyone's got...

My mother had an ass
that could pull a bus.

Wow! Well, that's a...

Father's side, too.

I mean, although Dad tended to carry 
his weight out in front more,

in the gut area.
Derrière, not so much.


And what about the face, you know, 
the window to the soul?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Very well put.

Well, your eyes are one
of your best features,

but we can do something 
about the incipient crow's feet.

Baby crow's feet.
Little chickling's feet.

I mean chicks.
Chickie, chickie, chickie.

Yes, again, well put.

You have a way with words.

We make a small incision
and then pull the skin tight,

like stretching the skin over a drum.

Not too tight, though.

We don't want that "worked-on" look.

You need sufficient slack for the face 
to remain expressive.

Yeah, I don't wanna look 
like Boris Karloff.

So you don't want a sex change!

No, I'm all woman!

So, Linda, what we're talking about here
is four different procedures.

The liposuction, the rhinoplasty,

the facial tuck, which I would 
strongly recommend over the chemical peel.

Yeah, I don't wanna burn anything off.

And why should you,
with that lovely skin?

And lastly, the breast augmentation.

Now, we can also do something 
about the vaccine scar.

I don't know if you wear
sleeveless dresses much...

Not with these ham hocks!

Yes, well, once they're nice
and svelte, post-op,

you may change your mind about that.

I wanna talk about this vaccine thing.

I mean, can you counsel me on this?

I mean, is it really that unsightly?

I see... I mean,
a bunch of people have them.

Some women don't mind it.

It's personal taste.


Big breath. Exhale.

Hold it.

Hold and release!


And release.

Too much?

I just felt a straining,
a tightness in the front of my ass.

Well, you are pretty tight down there.

You have to...

Yes, something snapped in my ass.

Chad Feldheimer to the office, please.

I'm gonna check with my office.
I'll be right back,

and we're gonna work
on opening those hips.

I just got a batch from BeWithMeDC. Com.

Oh, no. Anything good?

I don't know. I'm just looking.
How do I open this?

Click on the...
Click on the... Yeah...

Okay. Oh, my God!

Okay. Loser.

Loser. Loser.

They should call this Mr. Loser. Com.

Did you have to send in a picture?

No, only the guys do.

I had to fill out a verbal profile,

what turns me on, what turns me off.

I'm really looking for a guy
with a sense of humor.

- That guy... Wait. That guy wasn't bad.
- Him?

- No, before.
- Him?

Yeah... He might not be a loser.

How can you tell?

- That's a Brioni suit.
- Yeah?

Shit, yeah.

Does he look like he would have
a sense of humor?

Looks like his optometrist 
has a sense of humor.

What does he do?

State Department.

That's cool.

His hair is...
What is that?


This is our cardio area,
and we have a lot of machines,

so, believe me, there's never a wait.

I mean, what you see now
is like our busiest time,

and there's like a lot of machines open.

Hey, Chad.

Hey, Linda.
Did you call that guy?

No, not yet.
Chad Feldheimer, he's one of our trainers.

I've been doing this Internet dating thing,
and I...

What service?

BeWithMeDC. Com.

- Nice.
- Have you used them?

No. Two friends did, though,
and they both got hooked up...

with really special guys.

That's fantastic.

If you're an English speaker,
please say, "Yes"...


I'm sorry.
I didn't understand what you said.

- If you're an English speaker...
- English.

Would you like to speak to the
billing department or to an agent?


I'm sorry.
I didn't understand what you said.

Agent! Agent!

Can I help you?

Yeah, hi.
This is Linda Litzke.

Shall I give you my account number?

- You keyed it in. I have it here.
- You have it up? Okay.

I was told that I needed 
pre-approval for these surgeries...

Yes, I'm showing that this procedure 
was not approved.

Yes, it was denied.

This operation is an elective procedure.
It's not covered by...

No, those are four different operations.
It's very complicated.

I'm reinventing myself.
This is a whole new look,

so it's not just one thing,
but they're all approved by my doctor.

Your doctor's approval
is not the issue, ma'am.

- But this is not... Madam.
- Our guidelines specify

that elective surgeries are...

My job involves public interface.

- This is not...
- I'm afraid you don't understand...

Oh! I understand.

Put your supervisor on, please.

Hold the line.




We've been over and over 
and over this.

First you say you can't commit, 
and then...

Would you come down from there?

We were married when I was in my,
what, mid-20s?

A kid.

We were kids, 20s.

You think it's forever.

You get older,
you start to feel your mortality,

and you say,
"There's no more time for dishonesty,

"for subterfuge."
You say, "I'm not that person."

The choices you make...

I'm thinking of divorcing Ozzie.

Frankly, I'm thinking...

I guess that's what
I should be thinking, too.

With Sandy.

Well, that's what you were just saying.

Absolutely, yes.

And you're right.
You should dump that bozo.

No question about it.
I agree.

So if I were divorced...

Yes, I should settle things with Sandy

- because of you and me.
- Mmm-hmm.

It's just, you know...

It's hard to inflict that kind of pain,
you know.

Of course, that would be easier for you.

Why's that?
I don't see that.

Well, because he's such a dope,

and Sandy is a good lady.
She's a very special lady.

She's a cold, stuck-up bitch.

That's a little...

You and I should get things sorted.

I've always told you
it's more than just frivolity.

That's right. That's understood.
You've been very straight.

And I think I've been loud and clear.


Not just fun and games.


- Agent!
- I'm sorry.

I didn't understand what you said.


Your call is important to us.

Please stay on the line 
for the next available agent.

Ted, can I talk to you
about our Mickey Mouse HMO?

Uh-huh! Hang on.

This is some heavy shit.

Is that my date list?

No, fuck.

You know, I'm trying to reinvent myself,
and these procedures,

which are so incredibly not cheap...
What is that?

I can't believe this.

This is like intelligence shit.

I'm not comfortable with this.

- This is like...
- What is it?

I can't believe this shit I'm seeing.

- Manolo found it.
- On the floor there.

Yeah. Manolo found like this CD
just lying in a locker,

- a locker floor, ladies' locker.
- Just lying there.

I'm like,
"What, someone's music or what?"

And I come in here,
and it's these files, man.

I'm not comfortable with this.

Talking about SIGINT
and signals and shit and...

"Signals" means "code",
you know.

It was just lying there.

Talking here about department heads
and their names and shit.

And then there's these other files 
that are just, like, numbers.

Arrayed. Numbers and dates
and numbers and numbers and dates.

And numbers and...

I think that's the shit, man.

The raw intelligence.

I'm not touching this.

I want this out of here.

- Just throw it out?
- No. You can't do that.

You should put up a note
in the ladies' locker room.

Put up a note?

"Highly classified shit found?"

"Signals intelligence shit?
CIA shit?"

"Hello! Did anybody lose their secret CIA shit?"
I don't think so.

I don't know, you figure it out,

but I'm not comfortable with this,

and I want this out of Hardbodies.

We're running a gym here. God.

Manolo, you didn't find this.

I found it on the floor there.

Yeah, I know, but...

Right there on the floor there.

Just lying there.


Yeah, it's me.

Absolut Saketini, please.

Just a Tab.

But if I could get an advance 
on my salary,

I could at least 
get the surgery ball rolling.

Whoa! There's a payroll company, 
you know.

They don't just advance people money.

They just don't do that.

I mean, sure, I could say,
"Yes, I authorize it",

but that's not going to mean 
anything to them.

Then why do they have us
on this cockamamie health plan?

I need those surgeries, Ted.

You're a beautiful woman.
You don't...

I have gone just about as far
as I can go with this body.

I think it's a beautiful...

It's not a phony-baloney Hollywood body.

That's right, Ted.
I would be laughed out of Hollywood.

I have very limited breasts,
a ginormous ass,

and I've got this gut
that swings back and forth

in front of me like a shopping cart
with a bent wheel.

You know, there's a lot of guys 
that like you just the way you are.

Yeah. Losers.

- I don't know. I mean, am I a loser? 
- Ted.

You know, I wasn't always
a manager at Hardbodies.

Let me tell you...

Let me show you something.

Is that you?

Fourteen years, a Greek Orthodox priest.
Congregation in Chevy Chase.

- That's a good job! What happened?
- Mmm-hmm.

It's a long story.


in many ways, I'm a lot happier now.

My point is...

My point is, it's a journey.

That's my point.
I don't want to stay where I am.

I want to find someone 
to share my journey.

Well, you know, sometimes,
if you don't look in your own back yard...

I know. That's why I started
this Internet dating.

Uh-huh. But what I'm saying is maybe,
you know, you don't have to...

Look, Ted, I know that you can't authorize
an advance on my salary,

but you could put in a request, 
can't you?

It's not going to do any good, Linda.

Ted, have you ever heard of the power
of positive thinking?


It's Monica.

Well, hello.

Maybe I can get a run in.

- Hello?
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Do you know what time it is?

Uh-huh. So, like,
I couldn't call you

on your totally unsecure phone,

but I know who the guy is.

The guy?

The guy, the secret guy.

So, is he high up?

I don't know if he's high up.

Probably. I mean,
I got his name, not his rank.

So what's his name?

Osborne Cox.

Never heard of him.

Like you're so plugged into

the intelligence community.

I'm just saying as a layperson...

I think the quality of the intelligence 
dictates how high up he is.

Okay. Not what we know.

I also...

Do you have any water?
I gotta hydrate.

I got tap water.

Are you kidding?

How do you know who he is?


What do you mean sources?

You got like Gatorade or anything besides, 
like, Maryland swamp water?

Do you know how far this is from my place?

How do you know his name?

I got this geek friend,
Eddie Gallegos.

He does computer stuff,
hooks up people's computers

and programs their VCRs and shit.

So he examines the files and pulls off 
the digital watermark, which tells you

what computer it was created on.

Fucking child's play for Eddie.



I got his number, I got his number

Oh, my God.

That was a bit more difficult.

Shall we give him a tinkle?

Oh, my God.


'Cause he's gonna wanna know
that his shit is secure.

He's gonna be relieved.

He might even be so relieved
that he gives us a reward.

I would be very fucking surprised
if he did not.

- Wow.
- Very surprised.

Like, you know,
the Good Samaritan tax,

which is not even a tax, really,
since it's voluntary.


Osborne Cox?


Who is this?

Is this Osborne Cox?

Who is this? What time is it? 
Who are you?


I'm a Good Samaritan.

I'm sorry I'm calling at such an hour,

but I thought you might be worried.


About the security of your shit.

What on earth are you talking about?

Who am I speaking to?

Your files. Your...
The documents.

I know these documents are sensitive.

But I am perfectly willing to give 
back to you your sensitive shit,

you know, at a time of your choosing.

What documents are you talking about?

Osborne Cox?

Yes, this is...

Hello, it's Osborne Cox.
Who the fuck are you?

What documents are you talking about?

Who is that?


"The bureau chief in Belgrade we all call
Slovak the Butcher.

"He had very little rapport 
with his staff and his dispatches..."

"Very little rapport

"with his staff", fucking moron!

How did you get this?

Don't blow a gasket, Osborne.

Who the fuck are you?
Listen to me.

We have...
It's not important where...

You are in way over your fucking head!

I don't know who the fuck you are,

but you have no idea what you're doing!

Oh! Why so uptight, Osborne Cox?

I'm just a Good Samaritan,
a traveler on the road...

Tell him we're gonna give it back.

We just thought that he would like
to maybe know,

and tell him about 
that Good Samaritan tax thing...

- Who is that? Hello?
- Ozzie, what's going on?

You tell him he's inconveniencing us.

Who the fuck is this?

Ozzie, what's going on?

You know, this is a major
inconvenience for us,

and we just thought a reward...

So it's money! So it's money!

You want money?
Okay. Listen to me.

Well, yeah, why not?

- Am I out of line here?
- Let me...

Listen to me, you two clowns.

Listen to me very, very carefully.

You have no idea what you're doing,
and I warn you...

You warn us?
You warn us? You warn us?

Yes. Yes. I...

- Let me tell you something, Mr. Intelligence.
- Yes. Let me...

- We warn you!
- Listen!

We will call you back
with our demands!

Hello? Listen to me.

Chad! Don't you...

- No, Chad. Don't play his game!
- Let me explain

- how this will work.
- Sorry.

The nerve of that guy!

I am very fucking surprised
he did not give us that reward.

What on earth is going on?

Some clown, or two clowns,
have gotten a hold of my memoirs.

Your what?

Stolen it, or...
I don't know how...

Your what?

My memoirs, the book that I'm writing.

Well, why in God's name would anyone think
that's worth anything?

It doesn't sound like he's gonna play ball.

He'll play ball!

We just have to show him who's boss.

Well, that's...

He sounds very senior.

I think this is some senior guy

who has screwed the pooch, big-time.

Yeah, that's why we got him, you know.

We caught him with his thing caught
in a big, fat wringer.

- Yeah.
- And us in the driver's seat.


This is our opportunity.
You don't get many of these.

You slip on the ice outside of, you know,
a fancy restaurant,

- or something like this happens.
- Right.

And right now this has happened.


It sure has.

This could put a big dent
in my surgeries.


Big time.

Honey! Honey!


My car is here.
I'm off, mystery man.

What is that thing?

It's top secret, baby.

How many cities?

Seattle, San Francisco,
Los Angeles, Chicago.

Why do they always send you to Seattle?

It's not a big market.

I don't know. 
Lots of independent bookstores.

Rains all the time.
What else are people gonna do?

I can think of a couple of things.

You can think of one thing.

Where are they putting you?

Christ, it better be the Peninsula,

the money I make for them.

Are you gonna be okay?

I'll be sad, but I'll be okay.

Not too sad.

Just the right amount.

I am crazy about you, baby.


Tony Bennett, Toni Morrison,

Zoe Caldwell.
It was marvelous.

First time I've ever attended
the Kennedy Honors.

Jane Alexander is a client,

an old friend of Zoe's.


- Connie.
- Yes, sir.

Would you bring in 
your copy of the Cox financials?

Tony sang
The Best is Yet to Come.

Tony Bennett.

I thought I had it here on a disk.

I don't know where the disk is.

I'm sorry, I'll have to run another
off my hard drive.

All right. Okay.

So we've drawn up the papers,

and we are prepared to execute service 
on Osborne, if you so elect, Mrs. Cox.

But since we are at the point
of no return,

I always urge my clients
in this juncture

to give it one more day of reflection.


It's Linda.

Well, hello.

I did the whole bodyguard thing for years.

My guy was in State,
the Secretary as a matter of fact,

so I did a lot of traveling.

"Ironside has left the building."
We called him Iron Ass.

Not to his face, of course.

Not to his ass, either!

He was okay.

Personal protection's a young man's game.

These are really good.
You wanna try one?

Yeah? Does that have shell food in it?

- Shell food?
- I got a sensitivity.

I go into anaphylactic shock.

My larynx swells up and it closes...
What the hell.

Live dangerously, huh?

Can't always wear a condom, right?

That's right! Not always!

Yeah. My job now is mostly administrative.

Not so much PP, personal protection.

I do still carry the gun.

Oh, my God.

No big deal.
Never discharged it

in 20 years of service.
Security blanket now.

I don't even think about it.
Of course...

you're not supposed
to think about it.

In a situation where your man is threatened,
the training kicks in.

It's muscle memory. Just like that.
It's reflexes. It's...

Those are outrageous.
You wanna swap?

No way!

- Go away. Go away.
- Let me touch.

Okay. Saki?

There was a hell of a lot 
of political infighting

and petty, petty shit,
and then basically

the old man stepped
on Geiberger's throat.

This is nice.
Is this wide-plank pine?

Yeah. I guess so.


Listen, Linda,
full disclosure here.

Yes, I am not wearing a wedding ring,
but I am married.


I took the ring off about 18 months ago 
when we agreed to separate,

we agreed to disagree.

That's about the only thing
we ever agreed on.

Well, thanks for telling me, Harry.
I really appreciate it.

You know, full transparency is my MO.

That's not gonna go off, is it?

Well, let's get in the other room
and find out.

That's great.
That's exciting.

Yeah. He's very,
very communicative.

Very accessible.
He has a sense of humor,

and he agrees 100% about my surgeries.


He agrees my ass could be smaller.

I mean, not in a mean way.

It comes from a place of humor.

That's good, but, Linda,
what do you really know about this guy?

I told you, he's in
the Treasury Department.

But, no, I mean...

You know, he could be one of these guys
that cruises the Internet.

Yeah, so am I.

What's wrong with this?

No, you cannot wear that.

You have to wear a suit.

You mean, go home and change?


I was gonna ride my bike.

Osborne Cox.

And you, I take it, are Mr. Black.

Yes, I am.

You have the money?


That's what was agreed upon, 
Osborne Cox.

All right. Let me explain
something to you, Mr. Black.

You know who I am,
I know who you are.


but appearances can be deceptive.


What you're engaged in is blackmail.
That is a felony.

That's for starters.

Appearances can be deceptive.

I am a mere Good Samaritan who...

Secondly, the unauthorized dissemination

of classified material
is a federal crime.

If you ever carried out
your proposed threat,

you would experience such 
a shit storm of consequences, my friend,

that your empty little head
would be spinning

faster than the wheels of your 
Schwinn bicycle back there.

You think that's a Schwinn.

Now give me the fucking floppy
or the CD

or whatever the fuck it is...

As soon as you give us the money, dickwad!

You fuck!

Give it to me, fuck!

- You fucker.
- I know who you are, fucker!

You're the fucker!

- Where's the money?
- He hit me!

Where's the money?

He didn't give it to me.

For... Get in the car.
Get in the car.

What are you doing? Shit!

Fuck it!
Fuck! Fucking lunatic!

You fucking morons!


- That'll give him something to think about.
- Yeah.

I knew this would happen.

Wait. Wait!
We gotta go back!

My bike!

It's on to Plan B.

That's just a Kryptonite lock.
You can open those fuckers with a Bic pen!

Some people.

What is this?

Russian Embassy.

I told Mr. Krapotkin I might be stopping by.

Is there a men's room?

Madam, you are mistaken.

I am assistant cultural attaché.

The organs of state security
are not allowed to function

within the borders of your country.



But what if I had, say,
secrets of a highly...

Secrets that might interest
the organs of the...


That's just a taste.

May I ask the source of this material?

No, you may not.

- He's very high up.
- Chad!

What? I'm just saying he's high up.

PC or Mac?

- PC.
- PC.

Could you wait, please?

I do have a date.


The fish has bitten.


Yeah, he seems cool.


Could you accompany me, please?

There is more material?

There's a lot more.

But we want to be paid first.

You are not ideological?

I don't think so.

Look, I have a date, so...



- A line to check in, towels piling up.
- I'm sorry, Ted.

And Manolo running around like crazy.

What happened to your nose?

This is not acceptable at Hardbodies.

You two know better than that.

Yes, we do, Ted.
I'm really sorry.

This is no way...

It was unavoidable, Ted.
It won't happen again.

But you won't tell me what's going on.

No, we can't.

I know this is really terrible, Ted,

but I have to go.
I have a date.

You're changing, Linda.
It's very sad.

Which, to my mind, is all the more reason
to lower the boom on Ozzie.


Is that it? "Mmm-hmm"?

I'm wondering if it's the right time and...

Well, of course it's the right time.

Why wouldn't it be the right time?

- Does this threaten you?
- No.

You and me, we're rock solid.

It's just, I think that's why 
we can afford to be big.

We can think about Ozzie
and whether we give him a chance to

get himself together a little bit,

before you hammer the hell out of him.

- Is that how you see me? Hammering him?
- Of course not...

- No, but that was your word.
- Yeah.

- I don't hammer.
- No, of course not. Listen...

I'm no friend of the guy,
you know that.

I think he's an arrogant little geek.

But, you know,
we have all the time in the world,

and he just lost his job.

He didn't lose it.
He quit.

Yeah, well, most of the people 
in this town who quit, were fired.

I feel sorry for him...

and I think he'll be a lot easier to deal with
if he doesn't feel cornered.

Maybe. Just as long as we're talking 
about Ozzie here, not you.

Of course we're talking about Ozzie.

I'll do whatever you want, baby.
I adore you.

- You get the check.
- Okay.

Yeah. Yes.
Is there blood in his stool?

Later. I'm running home.

I love you, baby.


God damn it, Ozzie,
what have you done to the car?

All right. All right.

Oh, my God, am I really late?

No, no.
It doesn't start for five minutes.

You haven't seen this yet, have you?

This one, no.
No, I have not.

I hear it's terrific.


We've been over
and over and over this.

First you say you can't commit, 
and then...

Would you come down from there?

Pardon our dust, the ex 
is in the process of moving out.

I told her to expedite things, but...


Yeah, you know,
you try to act like an adult.

Well, it's never easy.


You wanna come downstairs?
You like surprises?

Well, I'm always open to new experiences.

I gotta tell you, I saw an ad for this
in a gentleman's magazine,

1,200 bucks. 1,200 bucks.
I'm looking at this thing and I think,

"Jesus, you gotta be kidding me.
I'm a hobbyist.

"This thing's basically nothing 
but Speed-Rail."

I figure I'd go down to Home Depot

and whip this up myself for 100 bucks.

What is it?

You sit down there,
make yourself comfortable,

put your feet in the stirrups and...

Oh, my God!

That's fantastic!

Something, isn't it?
100 bucks all in.

Not counting my labor
and the cost of the dildo.

- Those things aren't cheap.
- Uh-huh!

See, I lack that.
I'm not set up to mold hard rubber.

- The Russians? The Russians?
- Uh-huh.


The Russian Embassy, yeah.

Are you sure?

Hey, the guy was not hard to follow,
as you know.

Why the fuck would they go to the Russians?
Why the fuck?

I'm sorry.
Thank you, Hal.

Hey. No problemo.

Look, Ozzie, I hate to be
the paranoid old spook,

but those two guys seem
very interested in you.

You haven't gone poofy on me,
have you, Oz?

Can I help you?

I'm sorry if I was staring,

but your face looks familiar.

It's Princeton? '73?


I can't remember your name.

Osborne Cox.

I thought so.

Served and witnessed.

You have a real nice evening.


What the fuck?

Fuck! What the fuck?

Fuck! Fucking...

Why did you tell him
we could get more stuff?

Well, maybe we can.

That's all Manolo found.
That was everything.

What, are we gonna tell Manolo

to scoop some more secret spy shit
off the locker floor?

- Hey!
- What?

I don't like the snideness,
nor the negativity.

- I'm sorry.
- I'm just trying to work this thing.

If I'm gonna reinvent myself,
I need these surgeries,

and these surgeries cost money.

- And this is not just fun and games.
- I'm sorry.

So let's figure this thing out, okay?

Chad, your Berry Blast is ready.

We know who he is.

Right, Osborne Cox.

So we can find out where he lives, right?

I guess.

- You should change into a suit.
- Why?

So you don't stand out
in his neighborhood.

There are certain elemental things, Chad.

His neighborhood?

Yes. We should take out the labels
and the laundry marks.

Laundry marks?


Shake it down

Shakes right

What's the odometer say?


About five or approximately five?
I mean...

For fuck's sake, Harry,
it's five miles.


Okay. I gotta do at least five.

Five and a deuce is okay.

I'm amazed you have the energy.

You kidding? Pull around the corner
and we'll do it in the back.

You're so coarse.

No. Back of the car,
not a rear entry situation.

Fuck! I'm late.


Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
What the fuck?

What the fuck?

What the fuck? Nothing?


Oh, my fuck.
I killed a fucking spook.

What the fuck are you doing here,
you fucker? You...

Olson, what's up?

Palmer, what's up?

Not quite certain, sir, 
but it's messy.

Kolyma Two tells us
they have computer files

from an ex-analyst of mine, Osborne Cox.

Kolyma Two?

Our man in the Russian Embassy.


They were brought in to them by a woman...

The Russians?

Yeah. It was brought in 
by a woman named Linda Litzke,

an associate of a guy
named Harry Pfarrer.

Picture's in the file,
with Pfarrer's.

- The Russians?
- Yeah.

And who's Pfarrer?

Treasury guy who has been screwing Mrs. Cox.

That must be how they got the files.

Or maybe Ozzie knows about them.

They all seem to be sleeping with each other.

All right. Spare me.

Yes, sir, but this Treasury guy...

it's become complicated.

He just shot somebody in Ozzie's house.

Shot your analyst?

No, Ozzie wasn't there.

Our man surveilling hears a gunshot,

sees the guy wrestle something

into his car. Follows him.

He dumps a body in the Chesapeake Bay.

Well, what'd he do that for?

Don't know, sir.

For Christ sake,
did anyone fish the body out?


And Russian? American?

Don't know. Scrubbed of ID.

And this Linda...

Linda Litzke.

Yeah, she's Treasury?


We're fuzzy on her.

So we don't really know
what anyone is after.

Not really, sir.

And this analyst, ex-analyst...


Yeah. What's his clearance level?


Okay, no biggie.

Just, for now, just keep an eye on everyone,
see what they do.

Yes, sir. And we'll interface 
with the FBI on this dead body.

No! No. God, no. We don't want those idiots 
bumbling around in this.

Burn the body.
Get rid of it.

And keep an eye on everyone,
see what they do.

Report back to me when...

I don't know, when it makes sense.


And tap. Up, up and tap!

Up, up and tap.

I'm bigger.
I'm bigger.

Now let's add the arms,
right here.

I'm bigger than ever.

Up, up, again.
And again.

I'm bigger. I'm back.
I'm better. I'm back.

- Than ever. I'm back.
- Let's do it again. Come on.

You fuckers, I'm back.

Up, up, down, down.

You fuckers, I'm back.

Up, up, down, down, up!

And last time...

Linda. You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine, Ted.
I'm sorry.

You don't look fine.

No, no, I'm...

But you won't tell me what's wrong.

You never let me in, Linda.

I know you're trustworthy.
I just...

I don't want to endanger other people.
I mean...

This is the path that I've chosen.
It's not...

You have to isolate,
you know, a firewall.

Well, I don't know what to think.

You both go AWOL on Friday.

And today Chad doesn't even bother
to come in at all.

- I know, Ted.
- I can't run a gym this way.

- I know, Ted.
- I'm going to have to fire him.

No, no, no.
Ted, just...


Give me 24 hours!

- To what?
- I don't know. Just give me 24 hours!

- Linda...
- Just give me 24 hours to solve this thing.

Linda, I have to tell you.

A man was in here earlier,
asking about you.

Are you in some kind of trouble?

Is Chad running away from something?

We know what we're doing, Ted.
Let me ask you this...

did he know my name?

Well, yes, he was asking about you.

Employment history, etcetera. 
Real jerk.

I told him to get lost.

Thank you, Ted.

Well, we just don't give that out 
at Hardbodies.

Linda, a Mr. Krapotkin on line two.

Oh, my God.

Mr. Krapotkin?

This Linda?


Yes, this is Ilan Krapotkin, 
in the Russian Embassy, returning your call.

Yes, yes! Hang on. 
I'm sorry, Ted. This is private.

- Mr. Krapotkin? Is this a secure line?
- Yes?

Mr. Krapotkin?
Is this a secure...

Are you joking?

No! I'm very worried about my associate,
you know, Chad.

- Do you have him?
- Do we have him?

Is he... Was he...
Well, I don't know what the term is.

Did he go over?

I don't understand.
Is he not at Hardbodies?

No. Look, could I come in
and discuss this?

I'm very busy at the moment.

I'm coming anyway.

You seem distracted.

Do I?

Very distracted.
The last few days.


You think that might be enough carrots?


For the salad.

You know, you really are a negative person.


I've tried to ignore it,

to remain upbeat.

Harry, stop the foolishness.

- Stop the foolishness?
- Yes, and behave.

You are not speaking to one 
of your "shithole buddies."


Honey, it's so good
to hear your voice.

Is something wrong, Harry?

No. Yeah. Can you come home?
Baby needs you.

Can you please come home?

Harry, you know I can't
just leave the book tour.

I can show you your present.
It's finished.

Harry, I can't just leave.
There are two days left.

There's still Seattle.


I love you, Harry.

Yeah. I love you, too.

Hey! Fucker!



Who do you work for?

Who do you work for?

Who are you?
Who are you?

Who do you work for?

- Tuchman Marsh!
- What?

- Tuchman Marsh.
- Tuchman Marsh?


Your name is Tuchman Marsh?

Tuchman Marsh Hauptman Rodino!

- I work for them!
- You work for Tuchman Marsh.


Is that a law firm?

No, a rock band.
Yes, it's a law firm.

Well, why are you following me?

Divorce action, numb nuts!

My wife hired you?

No. Your wife hired Tuchman Marsh.
Tuchman Marsh hired me.

I work for Tuchman Marsh.


Jesus. Grow up, man.
It happens to everybody.

"And at midnight of the third day,

"even the sergeant at arms fell asleep.

"And it was just then, at that very moment,
that Oliver sneezed."

Can we just...
I'm sorry to interrupt.

You have to let the folks at home
see this illustration.

Can we just get a shot of that?

There, there it is.

It's Oliver interrupting
the filibuster with...

- That's wonderful.
- It's wonderful.

The book is Point of Order Oliver!

And the talented author is Sandra Pfarrer.

She'll stay with us for our next segment

when we meet the Sultan of Salad.

And then it's part two of our very special 
interview with Dermot Mulroney.

So keep it where it is.

That was way out of line.
We were so unbelievably clear with them,

- "It's just an Oliver segment."
- That's fine.

Del and Connie are such putzes.

That's fine.
Thank you, we're done.

Well, okay, great.

I thought that would never end.

Me, too.

Let me get this crap off my face.

What the fuck?

Yes, madam.
Can we help you?

What kind of Mickey Mouse embassy
are you running, anyway?

I've been waiting for 45 minutes!

I'm so sorry, ma'am.
An urgent matter.

Well, maybe this is an urgent matter,

since, you know,
Chad's been missing for 48 hours.

I do not know the whereabouts
of Mr. Chad, madam.

He was gathering information for you
when he was taken.

We're not interested in such information.
It was dribble.


Would you like your disk back, madam?


I will give you dribble.
You listen to me, Mr. Krapotkin.

I am a US citizen,

and I will not take 
this kind of treatment.

My check was returned
for insufficient funds.

No. No, no, ma'am. No.

There're over $40,000 in that account.

The account is not overdrawn.


But how could she have access with...

What about our savings...

What about my savings account?


No. No, I'm sorry.
I don't know the number to my savings account,

because believe it or not,
I don't spend my entire day

sitting around trying to memorize
the fucking numbers

to my fucking bank accounts! Moron!

No way. No, no way. Whoa!
No way, Linda. No.

Well, I can't do it, Ted.

I don't know anything about computers.

Linda, this whole thing is crazy.

It was crazy the first time,
and you want to do it again?

Break into the man's house?

You said the Russians
didn't even want this stuff.

My world is bigger than that, Ted.

There are other people.

There are the Chinese.

Linda, these surgeries...

No. It's not about the surgeries, Ted!

We can use this as leverage
to get Chad back.

What do you mean get him back?

Information is power, Ted.

What do you mean get him back?

You don't know where he is?

Somebody has him, Ted.
We can use this to...

You call the police 
if you wanna get back missing people.

I can't take it! I can't take it!
I can't take it!

You know I can't do that.

We're operating off the map here, Ted.

This is higher than the police.
It is higher than them.

- Linda, I...
- I need a can-do person, Ted!

I hate your negativity!
I hate your reasons why not!

I hate you! I hate you!

What will it be?

Seven and Seven.

- Hello?
- It's Harry.

You think a marriage is...
And then it's...

But this has all been a long time coming.

Was it? Well, yeah, right.

I'm just depressed.

I gotta exercise.
I haven't run in three days.

Butt crunches, anything.

You think maybe I could stay here
for a little while?

Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no, no.

It can't always come from me.

I'm not that strong!

You are not here for me, Harry.

I need a can-do person!
You're all defeated!

Chad is the only can-do person I know,

- and now he's gone. He's gone.
- I'm sorry, baby.

I'll be good.
I'll be better.

I just gotta exercise.

- Do you have a pedestrian path or something?
- Who the fuck is Chad?

He's my friend from work.

You can help me find him.

You know law enforcement people.

You could make a call.

- Unofficially.
- Linda, hold on.

What happened?
What's his name?

Chad Feldheimer.

And he just disappeared.
He hasn't been at work or at home for two days!

Okay. You know his Social Security number?

- No! I...
- Okay.

Where was the last place you saw him?

No, I don't know.
He just disappeared.

The Jamba Juice on K Street.

And now he's gone.

No. Okay.
Now, okay, okay.

We're gonna find your little buddy.
It's a piece of cake.


- Piece of cake. Very easy.
- Okay.

Open your mouth, open it. Do as the doctor says.
Come on, open your mouth.

Come on. Open your mouth.
Now look here, young man.

You do as I say, or I'm gonna ask your mother
to leave the doctor's room,

and you and I are gonna
sort it out between us.

I'm with a patient.

And it's the same fucking patient 
she's been with since yesterday?

You tell Dr. Cox I have the new keys.

Hey, there, sunshine.

You seem better.

Yeah, well, I snuck in 
a little gym time this morning.

And our exercise last night didn't hurt.

Why, Harry.

Boy, I tell you.
I'm through banging my head against the wall.

I'm gonna start doing what's right for me.

I believe that, also.
I think you have to do what's right for you.

Yeah. Hell, yeah.
You know, I had a shock recently,

and I realized that life is not infinite
and that no one is immortal.

I think that it's very important 
to maintain a positive attitude.

Always up, always ebullient.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

- And it's all small stuff.
- And it's all small stuff.

Just for starters.


Why, this is where we first met,
you remember?

Of course I do.

And it's hard to know 
what the important days are until you...

Now, I told myself that 
I wasn't going to be paranoid,

but is that guy looking at us?

No. Uh-uh.

Have you found out anything about Chad?

No, nothing yet.

I put in a couple of calls.
It shouldn't take too long.


Yeah. There are so many databases now
it's a joke.

Back when I was in PP,
there was still an art

to finding people.
But not anymore.

Now with cell phones?
I mean, pretty soon everybody's gonna know

where you are at any given moment,
any given moment.


All right.

When you left Jamba Juice,

did Chad give you any idea
where he might be going?

- I know where he was going.
- You do?

Georgetown. Olive Street.
160 Olive Street.

It's the residence of this guy,
Osborne Cox.

Who are you?


Who are you? You CIA? NSA?
You're military?

Who do you work for?
Who do you work for?

Who are you?

I'm just Linda Litzke.


For Pete's sake.

And you are my wife's lover?


Then what are you doing here?

I know you.
You're the guy from the gym.

I'm not here representing Hardbodies.

Yes. I know very well
what you represent.

You represent the idiocy of today.

I don't represent that, either.

You're the guy at the gym

when I asked about that moronic woman.

She's not a moron.

You're in league
with that moronic woman.

You're part of a league of morons.

No. No.

Yes. You see,
you're one of the morons

I've been fighting my whole life,

my whole fucking life.
But guess what.

Today, I win.



Stop! Intruder! Stop!

Wait. Wait a minute.

Where is the Treasury guy?

- Right now?
- Right now.

He is in a detention room
at Washington Dulles.


He was trying to board
a flight to Venezuela.

We had his name on a hot list.
CBP pulled him in.

Don't know why he was trying 
to go to Venezuela.

You don't know.

No, sir.

We have no extradition with Venezuela.


So what should we do with him?

For fuck's sake,
put him on the next flight to Venezuela.

Yes, sir. Okay.

- Okay. So the gym manager is dead.
- Yes, sir.

The body is...

That's gone, sir.


But there was a snag.



this analyst, Cox,
was attacking the gym guy.

It was in broad daylight,
on the street.

Our man did not know what to do.

Felt he had to step in.



He shot the analyst.
He shot Cox.

Good. Great.
Is he dead?

No, sir. He's in a coma.

They don't think he's gonna make it.
They don't think...

They're pretty sure that he has
no brain function.

Okay. Okay. If he wakes up, we'll worry 
about it then. Jesus, what a clusterfuck.

So, that's it then?

No one else really knows anything. 


Well, sir, there is...


There is the woman, the gym woman,

Linda Litzke.

Oh! Fuck, yeah.
God! Where is she?

We picked her up.
We have her.

We have her?
To do what with?

She says she'll play ball
if we pay for some,

I know this sounds odd,
some surgeries

that she wants, cosmetic surgery.

She says she'll sit on everything.

How much?

There were several procedures.

- Altogether they...
- Pay it.

Yes, sir. Okay. Yeah.

Jesus fucking Christ!


What do we learn, Palmer?

I don't know, sir.

I don't fucking know, either.

- I guess we learn not to do it again.
- Yes, sir.

I'm fucked if I know what we did.

Yes, sir, it's hard to say.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Special thanks to SergeiK.