Confessions Of A Shopaholic Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Confessions Of A Shopaholic script is here for all you fans of the Isla Fisher movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Confessions Of A Shopaholic quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Confessions Of A Shopaholic Script

When I was a little girl,

there were real prices and mom prices.

Real prices got you shiny,
sparkly things that lasted three weeks,

and mom prices got you brown things...

... that lasted forever.

You notice they were 50 percent off?

Look at...

 But when I looked
into shop windows,

I saw another world.

A dreamy world
full of perfect things.

A world where grown-up girls
got what they wanted.

 They were beautiful.

Like fairies or princesses.

They didn't even need any money,
they had magic cards.

I wanted one.

Little did I know...

... I would end up with 12.

 Rebecca Bloomwood.
Occupation: Journalist.

Jacket: Visa. Dress: AMEX.

Belt: MasterCard.

It's vintage. And I got
one percent cash back.

Bag: Gucci!

And worth every penny.

Moving to New York, I met guys.

And that kind of put things
in perspective.

'Cause you know that thing, when you see
someone cute and he smiles,

and your heart kind of goes

like warm butter
sliding down hot toast?

Well, that's what it's like
when I see a store.

Only it's better.

 You see,
a man will never love you

or treat you as well as a store.

If a man doesn't fit, you can't
exchange him seven days later

for a gorgeous cashmere sweater.

And a store always smells good.

A store can awaken a lust for things

you never even knew you needed.

And when your fingers grasp
those shiny, new bags...

 Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

Oh, no... I spent $900.

So you are covering
the yard and tool expo, right?

I'm on it.

 OK, don't panic.

Calm. Calm. Bloomingdale's.

Well, that would be the pants.

I had to get the pants to match the...

- Oh, shoes.
- I...

 Hold on...

- Somebody's stolen my credit card!
- Oh, my God.

Somebody has stolen
my credit card and gone

on an insane spending spree
around New York.

- No!
- Yeah!

Outdoor World? I've never been
to Outdoor World.

Yes, you have.

- You bought that tent, remember?
- No, I didn't.

- For Kristen's going-away present.
- Never seen a tent.

I organized the collection
and gave you the money.


"Special skills: Fencing"?
Fluent in Finnish?

Who doesn't pad their resume?

Shoe! Thanks.

Why can't you get changed
in your own office?

And let everyone at Gardening Today

know I've secretly arranged
an interview at Alette magazine?

Did I mention I have
an interview at Alette magazine?

Only about a billion times.

- OK...
- It's kind of a leap, isn't it?

Gardening to fashion?

I mean, not that I meant
you couldn't do it...

Suze... since I was I wanted to work at Alette magazine.

If I can just get this job
I will be happy forever.


 Rebecca, you just
got a credit card bill of $900.

You do not need a scarf.

Then again...

...who needs a scarf?

Wrap some old jeans around
your neck, that'll keep you warm.

That's what your mother would do.

You're right, she would.

The point about this scarf is that

it would become part
of a definition of your...

Of your psyche.

Do you see what I mean?

No, I do. Keep talking.

It would make your eyes look bigger.


It would make my haircut
look more expensive.

You'd wear it with everything.

It would be an investment.

You would walk into
that interview confident.

- Confident.
- And poised.

- Poised.
- The girl in the green scarf.

The green scarf, please.

Good choice. It's the last one.

That'll be $120.
How would you like to pay?

Here's $50 in cash,
can you put 30 on this card...

Ten on that.

Twenty on that.

- It's so cute.
- Declined.

Really? Could you just...
Could you try it again?

Really declined.

- Could you put this to one side?
- I can't hold sale items.

- Excuse me. It's an emergency.
- Back of the line!

Excuse me, this is an emergency.
Excuse you, excuse me!

- Do you do cash back?
- What?

If I give you a check for $23,
will you give me

one of your hot dogs
and $20 cash back, please?

- Do I look like a bank?
- I have an interview.

They don't hold items.
It's a desperately important scarf.

Desperately important scarf.

Know what? It's for my great-aunt.
She's in the hospital.

Can you ask them
to turn the heating up?

Want mustard with that?

Please. I will buy all of your hot dogs.

- You'll take 97 hot dogs?
- Done.

Who do I make it...

That means you just paid
$23 for a hot dog!

You want your scarf, I want my hot dog.

Cost and worth
are very different things.

Thank you! My aunt
will really appreciate it.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm here for the interview
at Alette magazine.

Alette... Oh, filled, internally.

They did post it on the Web.
Let's see, who got the job?

Speak of the devil.

Alicia... Billington.

She has the longest legs in the world.

She notes resentfully.

Great. Faulty.

- Nice scarf.
- Thanks. I bought it for the interview.

Come on.

As we speak, interviews are being held

at Successful Saving.

- The money magazine?
- Snort not, sweet child.

Alette may be your Emerald City,

but Successful Saving
could be your yellow-brick road.

Dantay-West is a family of magazines
that acts like a family.

Deeply nepotistic. Ugh.

So my advice to you, dear Dorothy,

is thus...
Once you're in... you're in.

I'm in.

Hello, Successful Saving.

Ms. Bloomwood?

So what form does this interview take?

Is it just mainly
a general chat, hobbies...

Oh, no, no, no.
It's very specific on finance.

Butterfly investments, futures.
That sort of thing.

- But he's worth 1.2 billion...
- Good luck.

- Thanks.
- We talked and talked. Said nothing.

Yeah, of course I did.
He understands the rules.

It's always...
Of course we got the bill.

Listen, I've got to go.
I'm interviewing.

Yeah, no, not me... Bye.

Sorry about that.
Right, um, Rebecca...

- Ah! We met!
- Hi! We did. Thank you.

Sick aunt, scarf. Yep.
Did you get it to her?

I did. And when a stranger
is kind like that, it's just...

- Wow.
- That's lovely. Um...

- Do you have a resume for me?
- I do. Yes, I do!


I... could pretty much just tell you.

My name is Rebecca Bloomwood,

I've been a journalist for five years.

I'm very comfortable juggling numbers,

I speak fluent Finnish, I know...

- Finnish?
- Yes, Finnish.

- I'm also...
- That's interesting. Why Finnish?

What's behind you?

- Um...
- Oh, my God.

Oh, it's a naked man. Oh, sorry.

It gave me such a fright. I, uh...

I didn't know what it was.
Clearly, he's beheaded.

Who would do that to him?

Well, a few questions.

But, look! Makes you wonder

what they're looking at
on the fifth floor, right?

You could turn your desk around
and just stare at it all day.

I would.

- Not.
- Ms. Bloomwood.

I'm not a pervert.

Sit down.

I'm sorry, I'm terrible at interviews.

Any financial stories that have
caught your eye recently?

Yes. And I am glad
that you brought that up.

Because I am furious.
No, I really am.

No, I mean, what is the story
with the recent fish crisis?

Fish crisis?

- Fiscal... crisis.
- Fiscal crisis.

- Terrifying. Fiscally, I mean.
- How so?

- For the fiscal family.
- I'm sorry.

- Not a moment too soon.
- Ms. Bloomwood, you dropped your scarf.

She died.

Oh, Ms. Bloomwood, you have had
a very, very tough 25 minutes.

I'm glad you understand!
So many people just... Right.

OK, so I would propose we curtail...

Did you just scrub my name off?

- Oh, no. Routine.
- That seems premature.

OK, I'm gonna propose that
we curtail this interview forthwith.

So I'll leave you and your numbers,

but thank you very much for seeing me,

and I appreciate... Oh!

I appreciate everything.
Good day.

Good day.

Come on. Let's go give
Mrs. Great Outdoors her tent.

She's not retiring.

- What?
- She's abandoning a sinking ship.

That little rat! The magazine's
folding and she knew!

She knew and she didn't tell anybody.

Well, on the bright side,
you hated working for that magazine.

It was my income, Suze.
I need my income!

OK, Bex, the most important thing
is not to panic.

- Don't answer the phone!
- No!

- It might be a debt collector!
- Hello?

- It's Derek Smeath.
- The list. Get the list!

- I think I saw it over here.
- Take the lamp!

- It's here!
- Bloomingdale's...

- Hospital for depression.
- Detained in Finland on work.

Visa, dead dog.

All City Debt Collection.
You have to do it.

- Hello! Hi!
-  Ms. Bloomwood?

- Hello.
- I'm sorry. It's actually not.

She's still recovering from...
You know... OK.

I'll have her call you as soon as...

- Yes?
- As soon as she's come back

- from... From...
- Finland! Finland!

- Clearly she's not too...
- Aah!

Why do so many of your excuses
involve Finland?

'Cause no one checks up
on Finland, Tarkie.

How am I going to pay you the rent now?

Well, I'm ripping up your rent check!

No, Suze, you can't do it again.

It's my apartment,
well, my parent's apartment,

- but it's my rules.
- I'm gonna buy you the biggest present.

I am! I know where I'm going to go.
There's a sale at Macy's!


I'll be at my place.

Thanks, baby. Bex, I'll get
the tequila, you get the bills.

I'll do this. It can't be that bad.

It's just like a Band-Aid.
It's gonna be fine.

Bex! Two hundred dollars
on Marc Jacobs underwear?

Oh, underwear is a basic human right.

Seventy-eight dollars
on lavender honey!

I felt sorry for the shop assistant.
She had a lazy eye.

I didn't know which way
she was looking. It was so sad.

I can't even talk about this one.

A foot spa? What were you
doing at a foot spa?

Let's take a break.

They said I was a valued customer.

Now they send me hate mail.


Oh, God...

How are you going to pay off
sixteen thousand twelve hundred

and 62 dollars
and 70 cents with no job?

I could win the lottery.

Maybe you should have a backup plan.

Oh! Backup plan, I got it, I got it.
Backup plan.

OK. When Tarkie
thought of his dream job,

he, um, wrote this proposal
just about him, you know,

what he's made of
and that's what you can do.

You can write a fashion piece
and send it to Alette.

Like, "Hey, Alette, look what I can do!"

You just gotta figure out
what to write about.

"Consider your shoe an investment.

Everything is resting upon it.

The most important point
is that every shoe

should earn its place in your..."

Bex, this is so funny. You're so smart.

- You're the best writer ever!
- Do you like it?

- You're fabulous!
- Wait! Another one.

To that guy at that savings thingy
magazine who didn't hire me.

"Dear Uptight Editor...

- You can stick your job up your ass."
- Man on a bike!


"Here's $20. Buy yourself
some decent clothes."

I'm back!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

This is for Alette magazine.

Please, please. Kiss it for good luck.

- Mwah!
- And this one... for Mr. Successful Saving.

Bleah... Money, money, money.

I better get the job, I've got no money.

I've got no money.

# You put the lime in the coconut...

Doesn't this just cheer you up?

- It's not working, Mom.
- Come on, you'll get another job.

Life is like a swap meet.
You never know

when great riches...

...are going to turn up unexpectedly.

What can I get for a quarter?


- Comme ça?
- It's fantastic.

- What are they gettin' for that?
- It's growing on me.

- How much for this?
- Twenty dollars.

- Oh!
- ¿Hola?

Um, Rebecca. Luke Brandon,
Successful Saving.


Sorry to call so early,
but I got your letter.

And I have to say
it was a bit of a surprise.

Well, I hope I made my point.

Oh, you did. You did. Very well.

The whole metaphor. Very clever.

Yes, wasn't it.
The whole metaphor was...

Wait... What? I'm sorry...

Describing the principles
of security investment

in terms of the way different women
purchase different shoes

was... different.

Hello? Sounds like you might be
in the middle of something.

I was trying to say
that it gave me an idea.

Would you like
to come in? I don't...

Can I help you, dear?

I think I just sent the editor
of Alette magazine $
to buy herself decent clothes
and stick her job up her ass.

These go...

- Hey, clothes for Alette.
- I'll call her assistant.

Hi. Clothes are here
for Alette's approval.

She'll be right out.

What do you think about you and me
going out on Friday night?

- Ooh...
- I mean, if you want to.

Would you like to go out
on Friday night?

I don't know. I might have plans.

You might... Do you
ever wear any of this stuff?

Some of it's a little far out for me.

- Totally far out.
- Yeah.

It's crazy, but I guess that's
the world of high fashion?

- Yes.
- Yeah, I know about that.

I am one of the best. I don't
let this out of my sight.

I guard it with my life.

A lot of pressure on me

to make sure everyone
gets these letters...

- Get them there on time.
- Got to get my job done.

See, I take my job very seriously.

- Yes. And to deliver...
- Oh, really?

And to deliver the mail,
but as the mail carrier

it's a lot of pressure on me
to get people their letters,

I've never lost a letter yet.

I want
no more vertical buttonholes.

I'm so bored with vertical buttonholes.

Is this for the Kaleidoscope shoot
with Paolo?

Oh, but this!

He has read my mind.

It's marvelous. We can use it all.

Take it in.

Oh, God.
What are you doing?

This is Alette.
Is this where you should be?

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Dantay-West didn't hire me to be
an editor of this magazine.

They hired me to throw it a rope
and pull it out of the swamp.

And that's...

Hi, everyone.
I'm Rebecca Bloomwood.

Sit down, Rebecca.

What makes a magazine
move from the newsstands?

Real, unvarnished stories,

whether the people that we are
writing about like them or not.

Successful Saving is currently
the People magazine

of financial journalism,
and this is where that ends.

From now...


From now on
we don't copy, we examine.

- We probe.
- Ooh!

I liked your piece.
I said that on the phone.

- Good. Good.
- Hayley!

What do you say a three-week trial.

- And give her this cubicle.
- Oh, this one's lovely.

They're all three by six.

You can start with a thousand words
on the effect of changing

interest rate on store card APRs.


You still have the label
on your new glasses.

What? Oh.

You took a job
at a savings magazine? You?

I know it sounds bad,
but it is, in fact,

part of a very structured plan.

Yeah, that's great,
but then in a lot of ways

it's kinda not great.
What do they call it

when an animal rights person
gets trampled to death by a cow?

I don't think there is a word for that.

"Ironic." Ironic
that Rebecca Bloomwood

is advising people
on how to handle money.

But I guess it would be nice

if my maid of honor
could afford her own dress.

- He asked?
- Yes!

Oh, my God!
You should've been there.

- How did he say it?
- Hey!

The, uh, credit limit
on your card was reached.

You know, I think I want my husband-
to-be to propose to me in Barneys.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

- Yes, you are.
- I just found the perfect book for you.

Control Your Urge to Shop,
with Garrett E. Barton.

That's me.

Do you find yourself
constantly drawn toward stores?

- Yes.
- Nope.

Does your heart quicken
when you see new merchandise

in neatly stacked piles?

- Yes! This guy's good.
- No.

Did you answer no to these questions
and are consequently in denial?

- Yes.
- No!

Did you just say "no" again?

- No.
- Yes.

Step one: de-clutter your life.
Throw it all out.

Just box it up and toss it!

Simplicity and order
are your new watchwords.

Excuse me. Hello?

It's a fresh start calling.

And it's for you.

 On your way to work,

ignore the siren call
of the store window.

Your new mantra is, "Do I need this?"


What's this?

A thousand words
on store card APRs?

Which looks as if it's been copied
straight out of Money for Dummies.

No, I wanted a thousand words
on APRs from an angle.

Is that not an angle?

Not unless you call "head-on" an angle.

- No, I don't.
- Try it again.

- Remind me why I hired you.
- OK.


Did you just type "good angles
on APRs" into Google?

Yes. I Googled.

- Am I fired?
- Get your coat.

You know these guys, right?

Comintex? Communications company?

Yes. Absolutely.

This year has been a year
of unparalleled growth

in the communications industry.

Overall, pal. Not in your company.

For us, at Comintex,

profits reflect that this has been
a year of acquisitions,

both of APL and of the Dutch
fiber-optic company, Zandak.

Neatly masking the 24 million in bonuses

- these guys paid themselves.
- Hmph. I know.

Now, what we have here, Rebecca,
is a situation in which someone

needs to be asking
some very hard questions.

- Absolutely.
- Put your hand up.

- What? No!
- Put your hand up.

I don't have hard-hitting questions.

- I'll give you questions.
- I'm gonna take notes.

- No, Put your hand up.
- I'm more of a student.

You'll be fine. Put your hand up.

Hello. Hi. Hello.

- He's not listening. He can't hear me.
- Louder. Stand up.

- Rebecca Bloomwood!
...should see a...


- From. From. From. From.
- Hi, from Successful Saving.

It's a magazine.

We'll be taking questions
after the report.

Good. Uh...

- Ask him how much he earns.
- How much do you burn?

- Earn.
- Earn.

- Excuse me?
- Louder.

What do you earn?

- We'll take questions after.
- Why award themselves bonuses...

Why did you award
yourself bonuses...

...twenty-four million...
...of 23...

- Twenty-four. Million.

- Million dollars...
...while investors lost eight percent?

...while your investors
lost eight percent?

As I said, I'll be happy
to answer questions...

Is that true?

A long pause and no answer.

- Long pause, no answer.
- No, no...

OK. You know why we did that?

Some kind of cruel initiation rite?

Listen to this.

"Security can mean different
things to different people.

For some, it's going to a party
wearing the right shoes.

This might leave you feeling
secure for an evening,

but have a crippling effect
on you in later life."

- I wrote that.
- You wrote that.

Now, what firms like Comintex

thrive on is an endemic lack
of public understanding.

They get away with murder because...

Maisie with a root beer and a $investment portfolio,

what does she know?

What does she actually know
about what those guys are doing?

What she's told.

And if the magazines
she looks to for answers

aren't asking the right questions,

it isn't good for Maisie.

I want you to tell the truth in a way
that Maisie can understand.

Now, go home,
write me an initial outline

and e-mail it to me by 3:00. OK?

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah. Nice!

You know, I just got a call
from Jeff Kanter at Comintex.

They're having
their stockholders' meeting.

- Yes, I sent someone.
- Yeah, you did.

A real find, actually, the girl I sent.

She's sparky, honest.

Exactly the type
that I was hoping to find.

I assume that's why Edgar West
got you to recruit me.

- Damn it!
- Ooh. Slice.

I hired you to fix the bottom line
of this magazine,

and we know the key to that
is advertising revenue.

Now, you hired me
to create a product that sells,

- not to sell a product.
- What if I'm with Edgar West.

We're playing golf, and he just turns
to me, sort of nonchalantly, and says,

"Hey, I'd like to know why
Luke Brandon decided to hire

a journalist who could damage the
commercial interests of Dantay-West."

- What do you think about that?
- I haven't, because she won't.

I feel like I've run a marathon.

They have Galliano!

They have Gucci half off,
Calvin Klein half off!

You'll get your turn, just be patient.

 At every point
I will ask, "Do I need this?"

There's another entrance this way!

 Well, these
cashmere gloves I need

as it is winter and I have... hands.

So that's all.

I'll buy these and these alone.

My gosh, Missoni!

 Now walk away,
strong and frugal.

 Oh, my God! Pucci boots.

Fifty percent off?

Do I need these?

 Do I need these?
 Do I need these?


Jeannie, Pucci boots!

Uh, oh, I'm so sorry. I had 'em first.

But you put them down.

No, I know I did, but I saw 'em first,
so I'm gonna take 'em.

Then you took your hands off them.

Give me the boots,
and no one gets hurt!

Give me the boots.
Give me the boots!

Look! There's a sale on Burberry!

That's the oldest trick
in the book!

- Give 'em!
- Don't you tell me...

Give me the boots!

I waited in line all morning for this!

Ah! Ha-ha!

 "Your store card is like
a 50 percent-off cashmere coat.

The first time you meet,

it promises to be
your best friend.

Until you look closely and
realize it's not real cashmere."

You've been ripped off.

Right. You get it? You get it.

- We get it. Now go away.
- Ha!

"Then, as winter comes,
you discover that your coat

isn't actually a friend at all.

You should have read the fine print.

Should look more closely
what you're getting into."

You should put a picture in that.

It's a present.
Haven't got 'round to filling it yet.

My mom bought me this exact one
from a thrift store.

Probably paid half what you paid,

not that they often shop
at thrift stores.

- What?
- This is good.

- Really?
- Mmm.

Is it by Rebecca Bloomwood?

Yes! My friend Suze saw me writing it.

I mean, is that how
you want your name to appear?

- "By Rebecca Bloomwood"?
- Oh, right.

I don't want to be too associated
with this magazine.


Because I just think it would be better

to be slightly more of an everyman.

Um, a little more ooh-ooh-ohh.

Mysterious, rather than just...
Becky? Hmm.


"The Girl in the Green Scarf.
Thank you.

I bought your magazine
this morning and have already

told three stores where
to stick their credit cards."

Oh! Hey, check it out:

Jay Brogan, Queens, via e-mail:

"Man, is it easy to feel
those guys do it for your benefit.

- You never check the APR."
- Call him from my desk

- if you want. Oh.
- No, no. I'm OK.

"I'll tell you what, I have now.
Thanks, Mrs. Green Scarf."

We never get this kind of response.

Excuse me, sir. Edgar West.

That's not good. He hates us.

Luke Brandon.

I've just spent a few minutes
rather wrapped up

in your "Green Scarf."

I like it.

Uh, she obviously has a passion
for personal finance.

Excuse me, I'm sorry,
but he is really being persistent.

He needs to talk to you.

Could you tell him
that I'm busy, please.

You're a lucky man, Mr. Brandon.

It's this charity that
I'm the chairperson of, it's...

Thank you, sir. It seems that
he liked the column so much

that he's sending extra copies
of the magazine to his children.

Oh, my God. I can't believe that.

I'm really sorry, sir.
There's a man holding on line two,

and he says it's a matter
of life or death.

- What's his name?
- Um, Derek Smeath.

- Derek Smeath.
- Oh! No!


Exactly how long has this
ex-boyfriend been stalking you?

Ever since the relationship ended.

He's been following me around
pretending to be a debt collector.

I was once stalked... a dog.

OK. Look, take the rest of the day

and block all future calls
from Derek Smeath.

Yes, sir.

Spend it wisely, huh?

Oh, God. Dad?

Money... is what I came
to talk to you about.

Oh, yeah?
Hey, honey?

- Yeah?
- Becau...

- You got them wings?
- Coming.

It's funny because your mom and I

were gonna call you over here today

to talk about pretty much
the exact same thing. Money.

- Savings.
- Our money. Our life savings.


All our married life,
we've been the kind of people

that we just don't spend, we save.

We've built up quite a little nest egg.

- Of money.
- A big nest egg of money.

- Of dough.
- Yeah, we do.

And so, we decided...

That we wanted to
call you here,

our only beautiful,

lovely daughter
to tell you that, well...

We spent it!

Every last cent.

He's still just getting the hang of it.

Isn't she a babe?

He's wanted one of these
since the day I met him.

It's got a built-in blender,
four electric fans,

and a thermal sewage disposal.

Kathy and Gordon, in England,

you know the ones whose pool
collapsed because of the mold?

- Kathy with the beard?
- Yep.

Yes, she had electrolysis.

They sent us this off the Web.
It's an article about...

Makes you think about money.

- About what it's really worth.
- Security in your old age?

Or is it investing in what you love?

You have got to read it.

It's by someone called
The Girl in the Green Scarf.

She's a genius.

Oh, my God. Guys!
We're international!


Luke, we've taken Asia.

Russell, how's that article
on mortgage brokers?

- It's gonna be huge.
- Paycheck.

- Uh, Rebecca?
- Thank you.

- Yes?
- I want you to come with me

to the APA Conference next week.

Absolutely. What's the APA Conference?

The biggest magazine
event of the year.

In Miami.

Oh, Luke. I think I should
definitely be there.

Early, I mean,
and you know, make sure that

the hotel's OK and find
good restaurants in case

anyone wants to relax.
Not that I intend to,

but you never know, some people might.

I'm glad
you're enthusiastic about it.

- I'm kind of excited myself.
- Oh. You are?

Yeah, I mean because a lot of people

are very excited to meet you.

You've opened up
a whole new demographic.

- You're opening up his what?
- Demographic.

- Mm-hmm.
- Which is why he wants to

take me to the beach.
I mean the conference.

Aren't you supposed
to be getting to Alette?

I'm on my way.
Once you're in, you're in.

- You're in as a finance guru.
- I give great financial advice.

Bex, have you ever considered
taking your own advice?

- Oh!
- Mom, calm.

Like, what would
The Girl in the Green Scarf

say about hiding Visa bills
under your bed?

- That is not relevant.
- That is so relevant.

It's the most relevant thing
in the world.

- Ah!
- There isn't another reason

why you want to go to Miami?

- No!
- Maybe it rhymes with Fluke?


- Wha...
- That's it.

- You're making that face.
- What face?

Bex! You like him! This is terrible!

No, no. No, no. But hypothetically...

you're being a big, fat liar!

You're advising people about debt,
and you're up to your eyeballs in it.

Yeah, hide under there.

Ooh, Monsieur Sherman.

My name is Brandon.
My mother's name is Sherman.

Yes. Monsieur discret. Mm-hmm.


- You saved me.
- Not at all.

Oh, gosh!

You work at Successful Saving.

- Yes.
- We should have dinner.

OK, what am I
supposed to do?

Just be yourself.

- Luke, how are you?
- Hey, Luke.

They let you out of prison.
That's fantastic.

- Alicia.
- Luke.

Can I introduce Rebecca Bloomwood?

You may have read
The Girl in the Green Scarf.

What's the name of your column?

"Risky investment
is like a pair of platform boots."

Wait, nobody has ever
quoted me back to me before.

- Luke. Got a second?
- Yeah. Sure.

Wait, what were you in prison for?

- Oh, that was trumped-up.
- People out there trust you.

Butterfly investments.

- Thanks.
- Pleasure.

- Champagne, please.
- Right away, sir.

Hi. Are you from the United North Bank?

- I run it.
- I was walking past your bank.

You have the most boring
window displays in the world.

- She means the opposite.
- I'm serious.

It's as if somebody
hit the snooze button in my brain,

and told me it was OK to sleep
another ten minutes.

- Really.
- Yes.

You need to put some pretty
pink umbrellas or something

- to get people in.
- Mr. Lewis, look here.

Know what else you could do?

- You could have a sale.
- A sale?

Yes. Fee reductions.
And free doughnuts.

She writes a humorous column,
humor is part of her language.

- I'll get another.
- Unusual ideas.

Luke, your writer, she's out of control.

Keep her on a leash.
She's damaging the magazine.

She doesn't need a leash,
I'd say quite the contrary.

What was the piece of tabloid
sensationalism you sent me?

The Jon Goldman expose?

A well-researched, supported article.

His organization is corrupt,
full of financial holes.

Not running the piece. His company's
worth two million to Dantay-West.

- Ryan.
- Mr. Lewis.

Luke, that columnist of yours
said the most outrageous things.

I'd like to apologize for our company.

Outrageous, yet brilliant things.

She's like a breath of fresh air.

- I couldn't agree more.
- Totally agree too.

- He couldn't agree more.
- Our displays are boring.

- Aren't they?
- She's right.

She's honest.
The doughnut idea I loved.

I'll be talking to you
about advertising.

- Great.
- Great.

- OK.
- OK.

No, you're doing great.

There's one more person
that you really ought to meet.

- Hmm.
- This one's pretty crucial,

but having the language
in common should help.

Hmm. Language?

Yeah, I want you to meet
Janne Virtanen from Nokia.

I told him you're part Finnish,

and he's very excited to meet you.


- Ah.
- Hey, hey, hey.

That's how you do it in Finland.

- Luke! Luke Brandon!
- He's really funny.

- I can't even translate that.
- Long time no see, buddy.

Men like you are the reason
I left Finland.

- ¿Hola?
-  Ms. Bloomwood?

It's Derek Smeath from
All City Debt Collection.

- At last we meet.
- Uh.

How's your leg? Still broken?

Uh... it's, um. It's much better.

- Mr. Brandon.
- Yes.

We Scandinavians... her. A lot.

Good. Then kindly limp,
stagger, or crawl

to my office this afternoon.

Um, absolutely, I would love to.


- Except... Oh, my God.
- What?

My aunt has just fallen from the sky
in a freak skydiving accident.

Enough! Unless the outstanding
balance is transferred from

your account first thing
9:00 on Monday morning...

- Mr. Smeath, uh...
...the next step will be...

...personal contact.

Absolutely, 9:00 on Monday morning.

I have to go.
I'm so sorry. I've got to go.

You are getting your own ringtone.

Do not answer
this call, it's Derek Smeath.

- Do not...
- Rebecca. Oh!

- Thanks.
- I have something to tell you.

I have something
to tell you, too.


You first.

Well, Edgar West
has taken a table at the

Print Association Charity Ball,

and guess which two people
from Successful Saving

have been invited as representatives?

It's a huge mark of respect.

This puts us in the major league,

and that is mainly down to you.

- Huh...
- Are you OK?

- This isn't easy.
- OK.

Your tie does not go with your shirt.

Try to enjoy yourself. No, no,
you have to savor shopping.

No, you don't.

You have to strike with precision
and get out.

- Hi.
- Hello.

We're looking for clothes for my boss.

Absolutely. Were you thinking
maybe a suit or a jacket?

I'm actually thinking about everything.

Oh, well, we can do everything.

Pink. Oh, my gosh,
I love pink on a guy. Is that bad?

- That pink is great.
- It's gorgeous.

- Would he do pink?
- I think so.

Think he'd do it with like a white pant?

- He'd do that.
- Actually!

What I really need is a, uh, tuxedo,

say three buttons, size 48 regular,

a white dress shirt,
I'll try the blue as well,

and a black vernice shoe
in a size ten. And two Advil.

You speak Prada?


But if you know how to dress well,

why do you come to
the office looking like?

I don't want to be defined
by clothes or labels or family.

Why would you be defined by family?

My mother is Elinor Sherman,
New York socialite.

Excuse me, did you just say that
your mother is Elinor Sherman?

Did she tell you that we dressed her
for the Met gala?

Oh, she just looked stunning.

Well, congratulations on having
such a fabulous mother.

My, uh, parents are divorced.

I grew up in England with my dad.

He's great.

Very down-to-earth,
totally different from my mother.

Anyway, she wasn't interested
until I was an adult.

At which point it was assumed
that I'd just fall into line.

For the throne?

Uh, no, for the, um...
for the family business.

What's the business?

Owning stuff. Real estate, um,

Internet businesses, um...

- Cable companies...
- Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry.

I chose to succeed on my own terms,

not kowtow to some controlling family.

What's Dantay-West?

Do you have a take
on everything in life?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Well, what would your take
be on... me?

Go on.

What would The Girl in the Green
Scarf's take be on Luke Brandon?

As an investment, you pretty much suck.

- What?
- You're a workaholic.

You put in all these hours,
but you don't reap the rewards.

It goes into someone else's pocket.

But you're a great editor.

And now... look like one.

Drank a lot of mojitos.
I drank too many mojitos.

It wasn't always work and no play.

- Gracias.
- Gracias.

- Cheers!
- Mmm.

Oh, por favor.
Pick one.

- Mmm? Are you serious?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, I love this one.
But look at the red one.

- The red one's cute.
- Pick one.

- ¿Cuánto cuesta?
- Tres dólares.

No, this is gorgeous. Simple.

- Perfect.
- Wait, why'd you buy me a fan?

Because we're going to dance.

Oh, I don't know how to do
this kind of dancing.

I do.


Just follow me.

- No...
- Oh.


You know, my instinct is that
you should have your own business.

- That's your instinct?
- Yes.

Your delivery has arrived, sir.
Shall I send it up?

- No, I'll take that.
- OK.

Thank you.

My other instinct is that
I should take this to the ball.

No? What do you think?

Yeah, you know, Rebecca,
about the ball, there's, um...

There's something that I need...

Well, finally.

Luke, where have you been?

I've been looking for you.
We have a dinner reservation.

Did you go shopping?

Oh, oh, yes. Yes,
Rebecca's been helping me

pick something out for the... ball.

Oh, that's perfect.
I went shopping, too.

We're gonna look so major together.

Aren't you glad I convinced
you to go with me?

That's what I was trying to...

Oh. Oh, great, well,
it'll be so much fun.

I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go. Great.

Oh, wait, wait, Rebecca.
Don't go.

Just, come out for a drink.
You know Alicia, and...

- Yes, come out for a drink.
- I would. I'd love to.

I just, um, I have to make some calls.

- I'll see you in New York.
- Too bad.

- See ya.
- Good night.

- Hey, Suze.
-  Don't come home!

I am home.

Well, don't come to the front door!
It's Derek Smeath.

- Keep driving!
- Rebecca Bloomwood.

- God, oh, God, oh, God.
- Don't panic.

- Oh, God.
- What'd you tell him?

OK. I told him that your
Aunt Ermintrude died of malaria.

She died in a skydiving accident.

Her parachute didn't open.

How am I supposed to know?
She doesn't even exist!

I know I've made some mistakes,
but I'm turning my life around.

I've got it planned.
I'm gonna go to the ball.

Impress Alette Naylor.

Here! All I have to do first
is buy a new dress.

Bex, no! Absolutely not.

You've 10,000 dresses already.

What? You exaggerate.

I know the dress. It's perfect.
You got it at the thing.

Know what I'm talking about?
Where is it?

I hope we didn't throw it away
at the de-cluttering.

Oh, Bex. Imagine you wearing this dress.

Walk past the mirror.
Would you be jealous?

- Yes!
- Yes.

Oh, my gosh,
I forgot I even had this dress.

And Fluke would love you in that dress.

Don't talk about Fluke.

Why? What happened?

Alicia Bitch Longlegs is what happened.

I hate her. Who is she?

She's the girl with
the perfect everything.

Well, well, Luke is a raging moron.

He's gonna be so bummed
when you show up

at the ball looking like
a total knockout in that dress.

You're gonna be a total hottie.

It's perfect. All I have to do now
is buy a new bag.

Oh, my God. Bex, there has to be
a bag somewhere in this room.

Suze, do not open that closet!

Oh, Suze! Suze!

Suze, are you there?
Oh. Oh, my God.

You didn't throw anything away, did you?

I'm sorry.

OK. I know what you need.

My name is Joyce,
and I'm a shopaholic.

- Hi, Joyce.
- How's it going?

Thank you. I'm the wife
of a textile importer.

My husband found my secret stash
in the linen closet.

Yeah, he found all of my cruisewear,

and now he says that
there won't be a cruise!

- Oh.
- OK, hang in there, Joyce.

What about you, Ryuichi?
How was your week?

My name is Ryuichi,
and I'm shopaholic.

Hi, Ryuichi.

It is six months, three weeks

and four days since
I last used my credit card.

- Oh!
- Ryuichi!

That is just wonderful.
You're an inspiration to all of us.

Did you hear that, Joyce?

What about you, Mr. Freak?

My name is D. Freak.
Uh, I'm a shopaholic.

- Hi, Freak.
- Welcome.

I'm also a former NBA player.

We'll get back to that.
Um, I cracked at Cartier today.

How many did you buy this time?

Uh... I got seven.

One for every different day of the week.

See, I got the Santos.
And I got...

Keep comin' back, OK? Give him
some support. Keep comin' back.

Which store?

Rebecca, why don't you share your story.

Um... Hello, everybody.
Uh, I'm Rebecca Bloomwood.

Hi, Rebecca.

I just actually came here
as a favor to a friend.

Uh, I mean, I like shopping.

Is there anything so wrong with that?

I mean, stores are put there to enjoy.

Uh, the experience is enjoyable.

Well, more than enjoyable.

It's... It's beautiful.

The sheen of silk,
draped across a mannequin.

Oh, the smell of
new Italian leather shoes.

Italian leather shoes, that's the best.

Oh... The rush you feel
when you swipe your card.

And it's approved.
And it all belongs to you!

OK, Rebecca.
Thank you for sharing.

The joy you feel when
you've bought something,

and it's just you and the shopping.

- You and shopping.
- Ryuichi!

All you have to do
is hand over a little card.

- Yes!
- Pull it together!

Isn't that the best feeling
in the world?

- Yeah.
- Don't you wanna

- shout it from the mountaintops?
- That's real talk.

And you feel so...
confident and alive...

- And happy?
- And happy!

- And warm.
- And warm!

- What's going on here?
- I need to buy a new bag.

- I have to impress Alette Naylor.
- Get a watch to go with that bag.

Oh, there's a sale at
Catherine Malandrino.

- You're like my soul sister.
- Don't let her...

I have to go. Good luck, everybody.

They have shoe?

- You sit down.
- My will is strong.

My wallet is closed.
I do not want to shop.


Oh, what's in this box?
Have I seen absolutely everything?

Oh, I love sparkles.

Do you have any more in the back?

You. You! Oh!

I'm sorry.

Get it away from me!
Get it all away from me!

Not those! Oh, my God.

Alicia! Mmm. You look stunning.

Hey. I want you to meet Luke Brandon.

- From Successful Saving.
- The magazine looks great now.

 There she is.
OK, do not panic.

Hello, Alette.

Since I was 14 I wanted
to work at your magazine...

Rebecca. You look so cute.

- You're unraveling.
- What?

- What?
- Tsk. Shame.



I'm sorry.

Oh, please.
Oh, no. Oh, no.

- Isn't she adorable?
- Uh, yes. Adorable.

Oh, oh, oh!


Now, dear. I need a glass
of champagne right now.

- Coming right up.
- And I'll have a gin and tonic.


I'm intrigued to meet
this Girl in the Green Scarf.

- Potential TV star, I hear.
- That's right, yes.

They want her
on the Morning Coffee show.

I think Rebecca
would be great on television.

She's... She's hard to ignore.

- Excuse me!
- Are those plates presentable?

- Plates are beautiful.
- Do not talk back! Take it and go!

Bus your tables,
come right back! Move it!

I should read this Green Scarf Girl.

It seems she's very à la mode, hmm?

- Real poise.
- Hey!

What are you?
What are you doing?

Oh. I need a gin and tonic
and some champagne, please.

What are you, a drunk?
Put that back!

On your feet, Goldilocks.

Do you know how short-staffed we are?

- I need food on tables now. Go!
- No, no, no. I need to get...

- Six more, please!
- Oh! I'm not a waitress.

I know you're not, honey.
You're an actress. I get it.

I do. Now go, go,
go, go, go!

What are you doing?
Go out there and serve the fish!

- Oh!
- You! Serve this table. Do it.

- Ms. Bloomwood.
- Yes.

- I'll have the trout, please.
- I'll have the salmon.

- Do you have low-fat dressing?
- I'm not a waitress.

- Ms. Bloomwood!
- OK. Salmon here.

- This is the famous Ms. Bloomwood?
- The waitress?

Ms. Bloomwood!
Just put it down and sit!

Sit. Oh!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. Sorry. Oh!

- Sit down, Rebecca.
- Jacket!

Right, uh, ladies and gentlemen,
tonight we will be serving...

...the, uh, brook trout
and wild smoked salmon.

Mrs. West, you'll be pleased
to hear that the fish from this region

is a particularly powerful aphrodisiac.

- Oh.
- Mmm. Give her two.

Oh, Mr. Brandon, you serve
as if you've served all your life.

Oh, paid my way
through college waiting tables.

that fish weighs the same

- as the girl on your last cover.
- Ooh!

Oh, Alicia, remind me.
Were you a salmon or a trout?

You were a trout.

Oh... Thanks for saving me in there.

So have you filled
your photo frames yet?

No. Not yet.

You could put a picture
of Alicia in one.

Except there probably
wouldn't be room

for her spidery long legs.

You know, I've always felt that

spidery long legs were vastly overrated.

I thought she was your girlfriend.

No. She's not my girlfriend.

She's not you.

Erica, you get her on the phone,

you pretend she's your
best friend in the world.

You find out how she got
in this terrible situation.

How did she get so far behind?

Then you take that information
and you use it against her.

What are her motivators? Pride?

Integrity? Honor? Fear?

Tell her she'll lose everything.
Slap a lien on her house.

Tell her we'll print it in the papers.

Gotta take her
to the edge of the cliff.

Let her think you're gonna push
her over and at the last minute,

pull her back and get
what you want out of her.

That, Erica, is how you earn
a commission.

Lesson over.
I need Successful Saving.

Excuse me.

Derek Smeath. Hello? Hello...

Elevators. Thank goodness for redial.

 Do not answer
this call, it's Derek Smeath.

Do not answer this call,
it's Derek Smeath.

Do not answer this call, it...

No, he doesn't know it yet,
but he will. All right.

- Speak to you then.
- Luke! Luke.

- Good morning.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Excusez-moi.

Am I interrupting something? Hmm?

- No. Mm-mm.
- No, no.

I've come for the Green Scarf Girl.

- Me?
- Our esteemed Monsieur West

has asked me to dress you
for your TV debut.

I have one hour to shop.

Oh, uh, I'm sorry, excuse me,

but, Rebecca, Derek Smeath is here.

God. Um... I, uh...

Rebecca is being stalked.

So exciting
at Successful Saving.

I've had enough of this clown.
I'll see him.

Whoa! Luke! No!
I never want you to meet him, ever.

Don't worry.
I've already called security.

See? She called security.

Voilà. Shall we go? Mmm?

No. No, no, no, no.

This is outrageous!
I have every right to be here.

So after the ball, I, myself, actually

read Successful Saving.
Your piece was very good.

I have been observing you

and it seems you have
natural street fashion,

but... do you have genuine style?

Dressing is like any
worthwhile endeavor.

It is an art, but also a challenge.


This dress is good for you, huh?

With maybe... this jacket over.

Oh, that's genius, Alette. Parfait.

I think that is a great dress,
um, but I was thinking...

...a little more...

...of something... like this?

I mean, I'd pair it with
a new Yves Saint Laurent coat.

Show me.

So, Rebecca, hmm.

Take her bag.

You are sure of your choice?

- Yeah.
- Hmm. We'll see.

 Do not answer
this call, it's Derek Smeath.

Do not answer this call,
it's Derek Smeath.

Do not answer
this call, it's...


Ah, yes. Is perfect.

So, unfortunately, I cannot stay.

But I am looking forward
to seeing how you accessorize it

- for your TV debut. Hmm?
- Oh, thank you.


- Oh, God.
- Is there a problem?

Pretty much my entire
first month's salary.

Mmm. But isn't it worth it?

OK, no peeking. Don't peek.
Can you see? OK. Get up here.

Now turn this way. OK, don't peek.
Don't peek. OK, open!

Oh, and look, look, look!
The best part!

- Do you love it?
- It's so her!

Oh, Bex. This is so exciting.

I'm getting married
and you love your dress,

and you're getting to Alette, and...

What's in that bag?

Oh, that's just a dress
that Alette chose for me

for the TV show.

Mom, can you go get a cupcake?

How much did it cost?

Alette gets an incredible discount.

Still going to Shopaholics Anonymous?


- 'Cause you promised.
- I know!

Oh, excuse me. Are you going
to the shopaholics meeting?


Could you do me a favor
and stow these in your trunk?

Doesn't look good entering
a self-help shopping group

carrying a Barneys bag.

Oh! I know exactly what you mean.

- Leave it to me.
- OK.

- Hey, save me a seat, huh?
- OK.

Thank you!

My name is Ms. Korch.
I am your new group leader.

I do things differently.

Ms. Bloomwood?

You're willing to give away
your money for things

that you don't need,
so why not try giving away

the things you don't need
for no money.

But here's the thing:
I really need those things.

I'll show you who really needs them.

Steady! Steady.
Courage, woman.

- Oh, my. Colorful.
- This is my bridesmaid's dress.

Please! How many of us
have used that one before, hmm?

OK. I just want you to take
these clothes and... do good.

Ms. Bloomwood,
wasn't that liberating? Bravo!

My will is strong. My wallet is closed.
I don't want to shop!

Back to the basement.
I couldn't be prouder.

There's been a mistake.
The dresses I gave in?

- Hmm. I need it back.
- I see. Mm-hmm. Christy!


Can't sell those two dresses.
There's been a mistake.

- No returns.
- I really need these dresses!

I'd bring back something tomorrow.

- Something better.
- No exchanges.

- OK, so, um, I'll buy 'em.
- You will? Oh, that's great.

Oh, really.
We need every cent here.

- OK. How much?
- A hundred and ten.

What? How is this a charity store?

This is from Barneys.

I know. OK,
I don't have enough for both.

- This one's twenty.
- Maybe come back for this one?

Which is more important?

Got money issues? Who hasn't?

Oh! Tarkie, Tarkie, Tarkie, she's on!

- This is her?
- Yeah.

The Girl in the Green Scarf,
Rebecca Bloomwood,

Oh, she looks like an expert.
How are her accessories?

Hey, Janice. She's in the...
Whoa. What channel?

... finance. Not my thing.

- Jane.
- Yeah?

- Janey. Janey!
- What?

... then I read your
columns, and I'm like...

"Wow. I get it."

Right. Which is exactly the point.

Because so much
financial journalism is really...

- Is really boring.
- I'm with ya on that!

Yes! Go, Bex!

It's not accessible.

But it's ordinary people that have
the most money in savings.

It is. It's people like my mom and dad.


Tell us about the coat.
Tell the audience what you wrote

about the cashmere coat and worth.

- Well, that's you.
- No, no.

- He inspired me.
- Aw...

 It's the difference
between cost and worth.

Essentially, something
you can't see, can't touch,

but it's actually the most
valuable commodity in America.

- And that's...
- Trust.

Trust. I'm loving you guys.

Who knew that debt
could be so much fun, huh?

But we just have a little bit more time.

We wanna get questions
from the audience.

Is there anybody out there

with any financial issues
that would like...

Yes, you, sir.

Well... I'm having trouble with debt.

OK. Mortgage debt, car debt?

- Ms. Bloomwood's debt.
- Ms. Bloomwood's debt.

That's right.

I'm from the All City
Debt Collection Agency.

- My name is Derek Smeath.
-  Alrighty.

Now, look, for God's sake,
can I just say that this man

has been stalking Rebecca
for the past year.

Yes, I have.

To recover unrepaid credit
on a store card totaling

$9,412 and a quarter.

Is this for real?

No, I'm sorry,
because he is her ex-boyfriend.


No wonder she didn't bring him home.

That's good. I tell ya,

the more you look at me,
the funnier that gets.

OK, well, uh, my ex-girlfriend

told me she couldn't meet me today

because I might risk
contamination with an infection

- she picked up in Finland.
- Oh!

Know she was part Finnish?

OK, we're on limited time.

Anybody else like to ask...

No, no, no.
The best is yet to come.

Oh, God!

Did you realize
our Ms. Bloomwood here

is in the hospital with depression?

Currently in the hospital
with gallstones.

"Check is in the mail" 14 times.

Check is lost in the mail 14 times.

Recovering from
a chemical fruit acid peel.

Called back for second tour
of duty in Basra.

Which of these excuses is true?

Are any of them?

Will the real Rebecca Bloomwood
please stand up?

Well, at least I don't have to worry
about you being stalked!

Luke, you don't understand!

No, you're right, I don't!

So do what I hired you to do, Rebecca,

and make the truth clear

to somebody who absolutely
doesn't understand.

I shop.

Oh, so you lie because you shop.

OK, OK. Why do you shop?

- Well, I...
- Come on, come on!

Well, you're not giving me time...

For what?
To make something up?

Just, for once in your life,
tell me the truth.

Because when I shop,
the world gets better.

The world is better.

And then it's not anymore.
And I need to do it again.

Well, what about honesty?

What about credibility?

Well, I wanted to tell you,

but I only took the job
to get to Alette.

Well, I wish you all the best with that.

Luke, I'm so sorry.

No, no. I understand.
The whole thing was a lie.

That absolutely makes sense.

 # You're breaking my heart
You're tearing it apart

# Woo, woo

# Now I've gone insane

# And you're breaking
my glasses, too, OK?

Is she wearing my bridesmaid's dress?


That, I can absolutely explain!

OK! Explain.




Mr. West. I like Luke Brandon.

But it would seem on
recent evidence, Mr. Brandon

allowed his objectivity to lapse.

Mr. Brandon?

Rebecca Bloomwood...

Rebecca Bloomwood
was the most vivacious,

funny, inspiring woman I have ever met.

And she lived a lie.
We know that now.

But what she wrote in her columns
was the truth.

She had a voice.

She spoke to people
who never believed

that they could understand,
and who loved it when

they found that they could.
And I loved it.

Rebecca Bloomwood let me down.

But the Girl in the Green Scarf
never did.

As for you, if Luke Brandon
and his attitude

aren't fitting in at Dantay-West,

there's really only ever one solution.

Maybe we should
start a new magazine.

A magazine driven purely
by the voices of its writers.

A part of the company,
but outside the gates, you know?

Yeah, sounds...
Sounds great.

Yeah. It's unexpected, but, you know.

You have drive,
Mr. Brandon, and vision.

I've been impressed.

Oh, it'll be tough going to start,

but that's the way Cy and I
built this company.

On the day that we put that sign up
over the door, Dantay-West.

That was when we knew
that we'd made the right decision.

So here's to our new venture.

Well, I, um. I can't...

I cannot believe it.
I'm going to kill her.

Mr. West, when you put
that sign above the door,

you wanted to make your name
in the world, didn't you?

- Oh, more than anything else.
- So do I.

Sweetie, she's gonna be fine.

And when you talk to her, don't...

Sweetie, honestly,
do you think it's too...

"Raising Financially Fit Kids."

Do you think it's too late for this?

Never too late. Aren't you glad
we went to that book fair?

Pretty amazing, ain't it?

That's why your mother and I
love coming out here.

Reminds us of our childhood
in Finland.

Your mom and I think,

if the American economy
can be billions in debt

and still survive, so can you.

- The RV's worth about 13...
- No. Dad.

We want to.

I will kill you if you sell it.

It completely defines you. Completely.

Nothing defines me,
except you and your mother.

So she really did it?
And it all worked.

What do you mean?

You mean you don't know.

Oh, this is good.

Alette Naylor is going to see
the little green scarf girl

to give her the one thing that
she wants most in all the world.

And now I'm stuck with her.

I'm very happy
to have found you.

- I went to Mr. West to...
- Hot.

Ah. Thank you. Charles et Diana.

No, no. They're not from Indiana,
they're from England.

No, Dad, she said Charles and Diana.

Yes. Well, I went to see Mr. West
to petition for clemency...

...which he gave.
- And is Luke Brandon OK?

Unfortunately, Monsieur Brandon
is no longer with Dantay-West.

But he'll land on his feet.

He's a Sherman, after all. Rebecca...

You may not know this,
but your appearance

on that TV show has struck
a nerve with many, many girls.

They identify with you.

Your column will be Affordable Fashion.

Five hundred words once a month.
Welcome to Alette.

I can do affordable fashion.

I mean, I know where all the sales are.

Yes, yes, she does. Oh!

In fact, she got that from me.

No, I didn't. I didn't.
I didn't, I didn't, I didn't.

- Oh, cake?
- Yes.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

Tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny.

- Oh.
- No, tiny. Tiny! Tiny!


Thank you.

You will make your column personal.


You'll take pieces
from your own wardrobe,

like this for example.
This is very pretty.

- They're swell.
- This season, I believe.

Um, well, they're Louboutins,

so, I mean, well,
they're not affordable fashion.

Fear not. Chez Alette,
we print the prices very small.

And after all,
what are credit cards for, huh?

You must know that.

Yeah, wow.

Yeah, no, I, um...
I know all about credit cards.

And final notices and debt collectors.

Um, they should print that
in the fashion magazines. Right?


Rebecca, you have a moral conscience.

But if you want to work
for my magazine...

No, no, I really...
I wanna work at Alette.

What's the matter, baby?

I just, I have that really annoying
feeling in the pit of my stomach.

You know that feeling when?

Yes. I get it...
I get it in the back of my head.

Yeah, when...
You know what I mean?

You wanna do something, but
you sort of feel like you shouldn't?

- That's it!
- I get heartburn.

I just... I have made
so many mistakes,

and I feel like taking this job
would be another one.

Before you make your decision,
you should know this.

When I leave this house,
the opportunity leave with me.

Well, then you should both go.

C'est la vie.

You're a Sherman.

Can't you finance this yourself?

I'm asking if you will back me.

I'm asking if I am a good investment.

All right, people, this is it.
I want you to think of it

as a toxic little monkey on your back.

Do it, Freak!
But anybody who cries

will have to cut two cards.

I'm Rebecca Bloomwood
and I'm a shopaholic.

Hi, Rebecca.

I destroyed my career
on national television.

I lied to the man I love.
I hurt my best friend.

I invented a stalker,
and I don't even speak Finnish.

But I have a plan, and I need your help.

Who's with me?

Shut up. Sale of the century.

Forward to all employees. Send.

Oh, uh, Luke, sorry.
Um, may I take a long lunch?

Sure. What are you doing?

Oh! Oh, uh, I have an appointment.

- With whom?
- A person.


Uh, I suppose she has to,
uh, clear the decks.

You know, make room
for all those free clothes from Alette.

Go, Hayley.

May I?

- Bags!
- Ready!

- Accessories!
- Ready!

- Shoes!
- Ready.

- Millinery.
- What you call me?

- Hats.
- Oh!

I hope they've got shoes!

They're gettin' antsy out there.

Ready when you are, Ms. Bloomwood.

Open the doors, Dad!

There's plenty for everyone.

Just, take your...

You'll note the delicious color,

the smart collar
and these classic buttons.

Thirty dollars is my final offer.

I'll give you $to get away from my table.

What about your mother?
What would she like?


- I think it's...
- It's a lucky top.

These are real Prada shoes, ladies.

They go with the same pink
as this scarf.

And the handbag.
Oh. And the gloves.

OK, you know what, not for sale.
Not for sale.

- Ms. Ptaszinski!
- I'm OK.

And now...

The green scarf!

An icon.

Supple, sensual,
the color of money.

Rebecca always had such fabulous taste.

No wonder she wound up
at Alette magazine.

Oh, Becky didn't end up
at Alette magazine.

She turned that "hoppertunity" down.

- What? Why?
- Yes, Jane Bloomwood, hi.

Oh, hi.

Now who will be the next
Girl in the Green Scarf?

- Fifty dollars!
- Anyone else?

- Seventy.
- I have 70!

- Ninety dollars.
- Ninety dollars right here!

- Excuse me.
- Sure.

I have a bidder on the phone.
One hundred and twenty dollars.

One-twenty for the beautiful,
famous, elegant...

- One-fifty!
- Don't sell it.

You've sold so much already.

- Two hundred dollars.
- Two hundred and fifty dollars.

Two-fifty! I have 250.
The bid is against you at 250.

- Well?
- Three hundred dollars!

You can tell your friend on the phone,
I'll match anything they bid.

She's like an assassin.

Three hundred dollars. Going once.

- Going twice.
- My bidder withdraws.

Sold for 300 to the lady in pink.



- Don't wear it with yellow.
- Never.

- It could bring you love.
- Thank you.

One, two, three, four.
That's another thousand.


$16,586, 72 cents.

You are a winner, babe!

Oh, my God.

Mr. Smeath.

What the hell is this?
What are you doing?

I'm doing exactly what you did to me
on that television show, Derek.

I'm just giving you what you deserve.

But in the most
inconvenient way possible.

And that, I think, makes 9,412.

Oh. And a quarter.

I've got it. I've got it.

OK. Ladies, it's time!

- How'd you get it back?
- I did a deal.

Get her some flowers.

- Sorry. OK.
- Go, go, go, go, go.

- Ready, sweetie?
- Bex!

Come here.


See you at the reception!

You sold all your clothes and kept that?

- It's Suze's wedding...
- Wedding. I know.

I'm an investigative
journalist, Rebecca.

Give me some credit.

You really sold it all?

You have nothing left.

I mean, I wouldn't put it like that.

Neither would I.

The bidder on the phone was you.

But you lost!

Both bidders were me.

It's a desperately important scarf.

 Name: Rebecca Bloomwood.

Occupation: I am a columnist
for Luke's new magazine.

Dress: Borrowed from Suze
as I am a reformed shopaholic.

- Here, Ryuichi.
- Wow!

 It is amazing
what you have time to do

when you're not shopping.

For example,
I actually learned Finnish.


 And instead of
a relationship with my credit card,

I have a relationship
with someone who loves me back.

And never declines me.

Where do you get your moves?

Who knows?
It just comes naturally.

Oh, you're right. It's a mystery.

Special thanks to SergeiK.