Voila! Finally, the Delta Farce script is here for all you fans of the Larry The Cable Guy movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. At least you'll have some Delta Farce quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?
And swing on back to Drew's
Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.
Delta Farce Script
I'm often asked, "What makes a hero?"
Courage, selflessness, sacrifice.
From Bunker Hill to the Alamo,
Gettysburg to Normandy,
Korea to Khe Sanh,
the American fighting man
has always answered the call of duty.
These are dangerous times, gentlemen.
Once more, America is in need
of its best and brightest.
One wonders if there are still heroes.
Somebody say "hero"?
Two Deadwood meatball subs
with extra tumbleweeds.
Ah, don"t worry about that hair,
l"m using a new conditioner.
- Larry, we need to talk.
What is that, some kind of code
for a lunchtime quickie?
- Diaper table, ladies room.
- No, Larry...
Pregnant. That"s great news!
I just got promoted!
Now we can move in together!
- I got an idea, come here!
- No, Larry!
- Just a second...
- Let me...
I gotta do this.
Hey, everybody? Folks,
my name's Larry, and I'm your server.
And this precious little lady right here
is my girlfriend, Karen.
And I'm happy to say
she's having my baby.
So, on this special occasion just for today,
the salad bar will be free for an hour
with all the fixings you can handle.
Hold on. Before you all get up there
to get your bacon bits and your chick peas,
there's one more thing I need to do.
No, Larry. Larry, please.
No, honey, I want to say this
in front of God and everybody.
Larry, please! Larry, I...
I love you with all my heart,
and you would make me
the happiest man in the world if
you'd be my wife.
No, say it in here. I want the whole world
to share in this special moment.
It's not your baby.
I don't understand.
It means she"s got a bun in her oven
that ain"t your recipe.
Now, is the salad bar still free, though?
Why would you care?
Doesn't look like you've had a salad
in your whole life.
l"m not telling you again. Now, get in here!
- Die, paleface!
- You little bastards!
Hey! Hey, now! Hey, now! Hey!
Hey! Knock that shit off!
Those are my good golf clubs!
My little Rusty. He"s a dickens, isn"t he?
He"s got a nice backswing.
- So, how"s Connie?
- Oh, she"s great.
Damn it, Bill!
You better control these kids of yours!
They tore up the backyard!
Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Turn the garden hose on them!
l"m busy out here.
I guess this is the kind
of marital bliss l"m missing out on.
Oh, marriage is a wonderful institution.
Of course, 50% of all marriages
end in divorce.
That is, if you"re lucky enough
to get a divorce.
That becomes impossible when your wife"s
got incriminating photos of you
simply having coffee with a young dancer
"cause she was a great listener.
Now, your life is just one series
of endless humiliations.
You lie awake and dream
of the sweet release
a murderlsuicide could bring.
But it"s good, though. Really good.
Nice move by Orton!
Well, normally, I don"t gotta pay for it,
but life is full of sad stories.
Oh, my God.
What is this?
When I hired you as a security guard,
I didn"t think you was going
to be living here.
This is a storage unit, not an apartment.
As a former law enforcement officer, it...
You were a cop for, what, only four days
before you drive your car
right through the beauty parlor?
- It was a nail salon.
- What the hell"s the difference?
Clean this shit up!
and keep your eyes open.
Some drunk has been exposing himself
to the waitresses
at the Denny"s across the street.
The last time, the crazy bastard
was carrying a samurai sword.
There"s a lot of deviants out there,
ain"t they, Victor?
But don"t you worry.
l"m gonna keep a eye out
when l"m on my next patrol.
I gotta get going.
l"ve got a big weekend planned.
Look, man, you"re better off
without Karen or that crummy job.
Larry, listen to me, it"s always darkest
right before the dawn, all right?
Now, you remember when I had shingles?
Did I give up? Nope.
I put my nose to the grindstone.
All my hard work paid off.
Are you kidding me?
You tripped at the Wal-Mart!
And every day I thank God
for that spill on aisle 6.
Because of that settlement,
I don"t gotta work for another 11 months.
All right, look. Here"s Everett.
Now, come on. It"s our Reserve weekend.
We"re gonna have a great time.
We always do.
Thanks for showing up, Everett.
We"ve only been waiting an hour.
Anybody ever tell you that loitering
is a class D misdemeanor
punishable by a $50 fine
and 10 hours of community service?
Hey, what"s the penalty
for vehicular homicide of a beauty parlor?
It was a nail salon.
Well, what a great way
to chase away the break-up blues,
spending the weekend with two retards.
Nice shooting! Man.
That bathroom scale.
l"m gonna blow up every nice thing
I ever got that woman.
I got her that on Valentine"s Day.
l"m a romantic.
What are y"all doing?
- Shooting shit.
- Grief counseling.
Copy that. Going on a beer run.
- I know. I feel better already.
Kind of hungry though.
What do you say we hit the mess hall?
Left, right, left.
Sir, we just received another
manpower request from Washington.
There"s increased fighting
outside of Fallujah.
Don"t those Pentagon pencil-pushers know
we"re stretched to the limit down here?
What about those men down
I don"t think they all reported in.
They drill at the Reserve Center
down on Highway 8.
Perhaps you should send Sergeant Kilgore
down there to see what we have.
He scares the shit out of me.
All l"m saying is some of them girls hadn"t
ought to be wearing little shorty-shorts.
That"s all l"m saying.
Well, what"s Crystal supposed to do?
You know Hooters
don"t got a maternity leave.
Hey. Who"s the new guy?
How you doing, GI Joe? Can I help you?
l"m looking for the men
that didn"t mobilize with this unit.
- I ain"t seen them.
- I think they went over to...
Who"s in charge here, soldier?
- I am.
- I am.
quite a setup you got here.
Oh, yeah, it"s nice.
We"re like a water-head
at the theme park in here.
It"s real comfortable.
We"re about to watch the game.
You can join us if you want. Grab a chair.
I tell you what, son. You know, I like you.
Why don"t I grab a chair,
and shove it up your ass!
Now, stand at attention,
you miserable pissants!
From now on,
you will address me as Sergeant Kilgore!
The honeymoon"s over, numb nuts!
I am a warrior,
a killing machine,
and your mama"s not
here to wet-nurse you.
Larry"s mom passed away
about four years ago.
Yeah, that"s true.
She went squirrel hunting
with my Uncle Lester...
I don"t know what kind
of horseshit monkey business
has been going on down here,
but that"s all about to end, ladies.
This is the Army.
We"re just state military reserves.
And l"m a leprechaun.
Now, pack your gear.
But we"re just weekend warriors.
Well, l"II tell you what, fat body,
I own your ass!
Son of a bitch.
If there was ever a worse
excuse for a soldier,
l"d like to meet him.
I got Funyuns, beer, and Barely Legal.
Who wants what?
Well, hey, there, Sarge.
Snap into a Slim Jim.
Well, this looks like a little slice of heaven.
Can they do this to us?
It"s the army, man.
They can do whatever they want.
Welcome to Fort Davis, ladies.
I want another one! Come on! One more!
Up, up, up! Down, up!
All right, you"re all mine now.
You ready, Freddy?
Oh, there you go. How about that? Huh?
You like that?
- Get back here!
- What are you doing?
Watch out! Watch out!
Get up there!
Take it like a man!
Get out of here!
You gotta stay clear...
- Come on, Everett. Let me hold it.
- No, no. It"s mine.
This is a little harder than I thought.
But I guess it"s the price you pay
to be a trained government killer.
I didn"t think they could activate us.
I mean, if I wanted to get my ass kicked,
l"d have stayed home with Connie.
I guess it easier for
a samurai-type like myself.
Accept the pain.
Plus, the weekend"s almost over.
One more day and we"re gone.
Besides, how much worse could it get?
Rise and shine, ladies!
Where the hell is that other fat turd?
Hey, speaking of turds,
I just left one in there
for the Guinness Book.
Stand at attention, soldier!
We just got our orders.
We"re going to paradise,
the land of sand and sun.
- Daytona Beach?
- Fallujah, Iraq, numb nuts!
Sarge, excuse me.
Far be it for me to stand in the way
of the war on terror,
but we"re supposed to go home tomorrow.
I mean, seriously, we only do this
one weekend a month.
- Yeah, and on Mondays, I cut the grass.
- Wrong, sunshine!
You will be the tip of the spear
Uncle Sam uses to shove
up some insurgent"s ass!
Sarge, now that"s downright unsanitary.
You know, I read somewhere that them
carpet-fliers don"t even use toilet paper.
Can it, dipshit!
And don"t worry,
you won"t be in the rear with the gear.
I plan on volunteering us
for every dangerous assignment there is!
Now, I want every one of you
to look to the man on your right!
Now, look to the man on your left,
"cause your life is in his hands.
Fallujah. No, it"s not in Louisiana.
- It"s in Iraq.
-Why are they sending you to Iraq?
- "Cause l"m going to war!
- Well, I can"t help it.
-Who's gonna mow the grass?
Well, I don"t know who"s
gonna mow the grass.
God damn it, Bill!
Five hundred dollars?
Damn. Does she have four tits?
Well, how about a military discount?
- Hey, what unit you with?
- 101st Airborne.
Screaming Eagles. You?
37th Georgia. The Sleeping Marmots.
What"s up, y"all? How"d Connie take it?
Let me just put it this way.
l"II be safer in Iraq.
All right, you maggots,
we got a long road ahead of us,
and it won"t be easy.
But it"s my job as your
sergeant to lead the way.
Gee, thanks, Sarge.
I know l"II feel safer standing
directly behind you
when the bullets start flying.
Can that shit!
l"m appointing you acting squad leader.
Don"t get too excited.
You beat out a mongoloid and a candy-ass.
He called you a candy-ass.
Gee, thanks, Sarge.
You know, I learned a lot about leadership
when I was secretary
of the Midgeville Gun Club.
And don"t you worry about it.
Both those shootings
were ruled accidental.
Keep your hands to yourself!
It"s don"t ask and don"t tell
in this man"s army.
Now, get your candy-asses on that plane.
Did you hear what I said?
I gave you an order.
You said candy-asses. L"m a mongoloid, sir!
Get your ass on that plane!
Killing a man
with your bare hands is real easy.
Aside from the assorted
choke holds and head yanks,
you deliver a hand-spear to a man"s temple,
Adam"s apple, kidneys, armpits,
solar plexus, testicles,
or coccyx, that"s the little
bone down by your back...
That"s real informative, Everett,
but come on, l"m trying
to get some sleep here.
Of course, all that pales in comparison
to the heart-punch.
It"s a strong man"s attack,
a sharp blow delivered right to the heart.
Chuck Norris used it once
on the set of Walker, Texas Ranger
to kill some smart-ass intern.
Talk about your hush-money.
All right. That"s it.
Let"s hit it.
I don"t think the flight attendant
turned off the fasten seatbelt sign.
Look, y"all, if l"m gonna die tomorrow,
I want to get a good night"s sleep.
My Uncle Dave died in his sleep.
That"s a peaceful way to go.
Of course, all his friends died
screaming from the back seat
trying to wake him up.
It was a mess.
Good night, Everett!
- Good night, Larry.
- Good night, Larry.
Severe weather alert until 0600 hours.
With a possible...
l"m losing all pressure
in engines three and four!
Hydraulic pressure down
in the rear stabilizer.
- Oh, this is bad.
- Losing altitude.
Get ready to dump the gear.
Hey! Wait a minute!
Hey! Wait a minute!
l"m gonna kill you miserable pissants!
Did you hear something?
That was weird.
For a minute there,
I thought we were goners.
What are we gonna do
about the gear we dumped?
You fill out the paperwork,
and then it"s the Army"s problem.
Hey, you like meatloaf?
They got a killer meatloaf in Ramstein.
- Oh, yeah.
Where the hell?
Oh, son of a bitch.
So, this is it, Iraq,
jewel of the Middle East,
land of the Hammurabis.
Iraq? Oh, damn!
Damn! Hey, we"re in... Hey!
We"re in Iraq! Damn!
Get up! Hey!
Bill, we"re in...
What in the name of Siegfried and Roy
are you fellas doing?
We"re in Iraq!
We"re in Iraq!
- All right, now, Larry, calm down.
- Be careful, Everett.
There"s a lot of gear scattered around.
Now, listen to me, Larry.
Pull yourself together.
Now, we"re in a hot zone.
It"s time to take it up a notch.
Leave it to Everett
to break the only working radio we got.
They drop us in Iraq,
they don"t even wake us up.
What the hell are we supposed to do now?
I guarantee you this was Kilgore"s idea.
All right, let"s calm down.
Let"s just regroup while we"re here.
Last thing we need to do is panic.
Man down! Man down!
Man down! There"s a man down!
I think he"s dead, y"all.
K.I.A., man! K.I.A.!
This is gonna be a lawsuit.
I guess we ought to say a few words.
Me? You were closer to him than I was.
we ask that you be with Sergeant Kilgore.
Sure, he was a mean bastard, incapable
of establishing normal relationships
with any other human being, and...
What the hell are you doing?
When we run out of water,
we"re gonna have to drink our own urine.
Desert warfare 101, man!
Everett, now"s not the time
to be talking about bodily functions.
We"re talking to the Lord here!
- You want to say a few words?
I ask you to take this man,
for richer or for poorer,
as he walks through the valley
of the shadow of death.
And also, dear Lord,
the Powerball"s up to 90 million.
So, if you could help me out,
I sure would appreciate it.
- That was just great, Everett.
- Yeah, real touching.
Come on! Get some!
All right, ladies,
Operation shock and awe!
Here we go!
Kill, kill, kill!
All right, y"all, let"s fan out.
l"II secure the perimeter.
That Charlie"s a real sneaky bastard!
You think Everett"s mom drank
Yeah, and l"m guessing
she sniffed paint thinner, too.
Well, what do we have here?
You know who that is?
That"s the Butcher of Baghdad, buddy.
That"s Saddam Hussein.
He"s an ugly son of a bitch, isn"t he?
Kind of looks like that fellow
that works the register
down there at the Circle K.
You know, Rugburn.
You mean Raji?
Yeah, that little Indian fella.
He"s a red-dot Indian though,
not a tomahawk Indian.
That don"t look nothing like him.
Only an idiot would think that.
Oh, look! It"s Raji from Circle K!
What"s wrong with it?
Why aren"t you eating?
I got spaghetti and meat sauce.
It gives me bad gas.
Fine. Take my beef stew.
Larry, what the hell is that?
I needed a spit cup.
Just eat around it.
That"s gross. Come on.
We gotta get on the road.
Why don"t you just admit it? We"re lost!
He thinks you"re lost!
There"s a town right over this next ridge!
Wait a minute.
Nothing to report from my patrols.
Damn it, I thought
we was gonna be in the shit.
When am I gonna get to shoot somebody?
Everett, there are specific
rules of engagement.
There are friendlies around.
You can"t just run around shooting people.
You got your Geneva Convention
to think about.
Rule is you don"t fire
unless you"re fired upon.
- You understand?
One shot, one kill! Get some!
Damn it, Everett!
What the hell are you doing?
Down on your knees,
hands behind your head!
Easy, man! This ain"t Cops.
- I was on Cops once. Remember?
- Who could forget?
High speed pursuit
followed by indecent exposure.
That was the best Thanksgiving ever.
All right, assume the position.
Well, congratulations, Everett!
You just killed yourself a donkey.
We don"t even know
if they have a donkey season.
What do we do now?
- Come on. Let me blow them both away.
- Calm down, Everett.
I guess since l"m squad leader,
I ought to do the interrogating.
Besides that, everybody knows
l"m a skilled communicator.
Who are you?
Are you Republican Guard?
they"re not deaf, they"re Iraqi.
What we need to do is find out
whether they"re Turds or Shitites.
I think you mean Kurds or Shiites.
My name"s Larry.
We"re here to liberate your people.
We bring gifts of freedom and democracy.
Oh, sorry about your donkey.
Freedom. Yeah, right.
We"re here to liberate you.
Is your village named Baslamabad?
- Yeah, freedoms.
- This is it, fellas. This is our objective.
Get ready to be heroes.
I wish Sarge was here right now.
He"d be so dag-gum proud of us.
it"s a land of miracles.
Where the hell am I?
You gotta be shitting me!
Son of a bitch!
l"m gonna kill those miserable pissants!
What do you see?
Not much. I forgot to take off the lens caps.
- And he"s in charge.
- I know.
Iraqi insurgents. Four of them.
Just hold on, Saddam.
Look, this is what I think we should do.
We just sit tight
until reinforcements get here.
The 101st Airborne is
gonna be here any minute.
These people are in trouble.
I think we"re dealing with Fedayin.
Damn right they"re in trouble.
I had some of that Fedayin
at the Parthenon Cafe.
Greek food goes right through me.
Irritable bowel syndrome.
It looks like she needs our help.
I mean "they."
They appear to be C-cups.
All right, listen. Our orders are clear.
We have to engage the enemy.
you know what they say
in the Army, Semper fi.
That would be the Marines.
Don"t worry about anything.
The cavalry is on the way.
They are? Oh, thank God.
I thought for a second you wanted us
to go down there by ourselves.
When this is over, I am so gonna sue you.
What we need is some fighting music.
What the hell"s that?
Here we go.
God bless America!
- Should I shoot?
- Hold your fire!
- Did you say fire?
- I said hold your fire!
All right, l"m gonna fire!
It"s Rambo! Let"s get out of here!
l"m going in!
On the ground, now!
l"m a trained killing machine!
I think you got her, Everett!
Where the hell"s Larry?
I guess that coward run off, huh?
Not everybody"s cut out
for the rigors of combat.
The other three got away,
but I got this guy.
Oh, hey there, Larry.
Thank you for the help, Everett.
I was just telling Bill here,
what a good job you done.
That Iraqi is a pretty language, ain"t it?
Think they"re friendly?
It"s a very delicate situation
that calls for the soft touch
of a diplomat, so...
I am your king!
Bow down before me!
Everett, get down from there!
Not just a job, it"s an adventure.
Yeah. That"s the Navy,
but I know what you"re saying.
Wish the Sarge was here to see this.
At least those idiots left me
something to eat.
Oh, l"II be damned! Hey! Hey!
Hey, am I glad to see you!
I don"t parla any Espanola,
but either of you two amigos
I need a ride to the next town.
El ride-o in el car-o to el town-o.
Hey, tequila, eh?
Hey, hey. All right. Okay.
You two pissants gonna give me a ride
to the next town?
You"re all right, amigo!
Hey, Everett, why don"t you
go guard the prisoner?
Oh, hell, yeah!
Should we be worried
he"s too excited about this?
radio"s had it.
And I did a house to house search,
and there ain"t nothing close to a phone
in this little podunk town.
- So, what now?
reckon we ought to maintain
a defensive posture,
and then hold our position here
in case there"s a counterattack.
And then, we"II link up with
I don"t even know what that means.
I bought it.
You know, I gotta say,
feeling pretty good.
A couple days ago,
I had more problems
than a Cub Scout at the Neverland Ranch,
but now I think l"ve found my true calling.
Yeah? And what might that be?
Well, think about it.
We"re in Iraq,
the most dangerous place in the world,
well, except for maybe Detroit,
but the point is, l"ve been tested
in the crucible of battle,
and my troops seized their objective
and didn"t even get a scratch.
I think l"m cut out
for this military stuff after all.
All right, Akmed.
Don"t get your burka in a wad.
I thought maybe we"d see
more turbans around here.
Boy, them Iraqis really know
how to throw a good party.
How are you?
Thank you for saving our village.
Hold on, Abdul! You speak English?
Of course! Many of us do!
You"re country is very close to ours.
That"s right! Our people are friends
in freedom and democracy.
We"re also very close together literally.
- Somebody ought to get this guy a map.
Hey, how are you?
Man, that smells delicious!
What do you call this local delicacy?
-Si, si. Tacos.
- You got tacos here?
Who would have thought
they"d have tacos here?
Tell you what, if they got pork rinds,
l"m never leaving.
You do realize
that"s probably a camel ass taco.
I wish my wife could
cook camel ass this good.
Gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Maria Garcia,
and this is my father, Antonio Garcia,
the mayor of La Miranda.
We owe you our lives.
Thank you for freeing us
from under the thumb of these bandits.
It"s been far too long.
Oh, it"s our pleasure, Mayor.
Bill Little, U.S. Army.
It"s my honor to introduce you
to General Eisenhower.
He"s currently the ranking officer
in this theater of operations.
You can just call me Larry.
You answered our prayers today, General,
and you were very brave.
Oh, shoot. It"s just part of the job.
This evening is yours.
Our town is your town.
Please, please, enjoy yourselves.
What the hell did you say that for?
Well, what did you want me to say?
Hey, Maria, meet my buddy, Larry.
He just got fired from Cowboy Franks,
and his girlfriend is carrying
a parolee"s baby.
I tell you what, though, she is a looker.
You play your cards right,
and you could end up with a war bride.
- War bride?
It"s the right of every American fighting
man to take a wife in a combat zone.
My Uncle Charlie came home
from Korea with one.
Boy, Aunt Rose was pissed.
- Hey, let"s have a toast.
- A toast.
- Leave the driving to us.
- Good God, man.
Might as well fess up, Haji,
"cause l"m gonna break you down
till I get the truth out of your ass.
I don"t know what you want.
l"m just a poor Mexican.
Oh. A foreign fighter, huh?
Well, that"s even worse in my book.
I should just ship you off
to Guantanamera Bay right now.
Don"t you mean Guantanamo Bay?
They"re all hell-holes, man!
Hey, Everett, I think we ought to...
What the hell are you wearing?
This is my sniper suit.
l"m doing some serious Psyop
shit here, man.
- We weren"t issued any sniper gear.
- I brought it from home.
Well, you look like a retard Chewbacca.
How"s it going with this guy?
Oh, he"s a tough nut to crack,
but l"m gonna bust...
Let me handle it!
I don"t know nothing.
Where are the weapons
of mass destruction?
Are you Republican Guard or AI-Qaeda?
Are you a Turd or a Shitite?
Wait a minute. What...
Weapons of mass destruction?
You guys actually think that you"re in...
Hey, what"s so funny?
You"re not in Iraq, gringo.
That"s what you say in...
Oh, my God!
Are we in France?
This is gonna sound crazy,
but we might be in Mexico!
Well, this is bad.
Slow down. It"s not that big a deal.
We invaded Mexico.
And we"re AWOL.
I mean, that alone is 10 years
I can"t do time.
Prison"s full of chubby-chasers.
Hope you got smokes.
Cigarettes is currency in the joint, man.
You can"t buy a prison bitch or a shank
for anything less than a carton of Kools.
Everett, don"t you have something else
to be doing?
Yep. L"II go question the villagers.
See if there"s been
any bin Laden sightings.
We"re in Mexico!
l"m a screw-up.
I finally found something I was good at,
and what I do, invade a friendly nation.
We were asleep during the drop.
Who"s to say the Army
doesn"t want us to be here?
Why would they want us here?
This is Mexico.
We committed an act of war
inside a sovereign nation.
This is an international incident
just waiting to happen.
One man"s international incident
is another man"s preemptive strike
in the war on terror.
Those men weren"t terrorists.
Hang on. Tell him, Everett.
The U.S. Government defines terrorism
as the unlawful use or threatened use
of force or violence to intimidate
or coerce governments or societies,
often for ideological or political reasons.
Now, I don"t know about you,
but those fellows sound
like terrorists to me.
Hell, my wife could be a terrorist.
Look, man, these people
think we"re heroes,
and there"s nothing we can do
about it right now.
Eventually, somebody"s gonna
come get us.
So, I say we just enjoy ourselves.
We have more tacos and cervezas for you.
If we leave now, the terrorists win.
Everett, where did you get that cannon?
This is an 1875 Napoleon 12-pounder.
Only an amateur like yourself
would call it a cannon.
I found it out behind a barn.
I thought that court order said you
wasn"t supposed to be around cannons.
Only in the state of Georgia.
how come you"re not at the party?
Oh, l"m just strategizing my next
counteroffensive against the insurgents.
Or something like that.
So, you thought this was Iraq.
How can that happen? This is Mexico.
Well, we kind of confused our latitudes
with our longitudes,
and our stalagmites with our stalactites.
- It"s a long story.
- Well, I don"t care.
You saved our village from those animals.
Yeah, who were those guys?
They are vicious bandidos.
Their leader is a cruel man,
nothing more than a common criminal.
He"s preyed upon our village for years,
stealing our crops
and what little else we have.
You think they might be back?
No. They are cowards.
And now we have a brave general here
to protect us.
Well, about that, l"m...
l"m not actually a general.
I am a squad leader though,
and that"s pretty high up there.
One day, I hope to travel
across those mountains to the ocean.
And I will open a cantina
on a beautiful beach far away from here.
Well, if you need an assistant manager,
I got some experience.
That"s my father. I must go.
But perhaps you will allow me the honor
to cook dinner for you some night?
The honor would be all mine.
- Good night.
- Good night.
What was the name of that bandit leader?
His name is one that strikes fear
into the hearts
of decent people everywhere.
The bastard"s name is Carlos Santana.
Let"s get this party started!
Okay, so where"s the entertainment?
Bring out the gringo!
El Jefe, I think you"re really
going to like this act, Jefe.
We kidnapped him from a hotel in Cancun.
So, without further ado,
por favor, please welcome
the Amazing Ken and Rufus!
Thank you. Quite a crowd.
What do you think, Rufus?
Lots of Mexicans tonight.
Feels like l"m standing
in front of the Home Depot.
Be nice, Rufus. How about a joke?
Do you know why there were only
3,000 Mexicans at the Battle of the Alamo?
- No. Why?
- They only had four trucks.
That"s not funny!
I did not know this was a gay bar.
He"s just kidding.
What is your name, sir?
I am Carlos Santana.
Holy shit! The singer?
No, not the singer!
l"m the real Carlos Santana!
Man of courage, honor. The leader of men!
That other guy, he is just a guitar player.
Yeah, well, I think you both suck.
You shot Rufus!
I was aiming for the Amazing Ken.
Luis, you are back.
How did the pillaging go?
Not so good, Jefe.
What do you mean, not so good?
There was a problem.
And we could not get your tribute.
Jefe, you don"t understand!
There"s nothing we could do.
The American Army show up.
There were hundreds of them.
They captured Ricardo.
Jefe, we barely escaped with our lives.
Gringo soldiers in La Miranda.
It was good you brought me this news.
Since they shut off the cable,
I can"t get CNN.
Hard to stay current.
I thought you were going to kill me.
We have shared
many a great adventure together.
I would never kill you.
Paco and Hector are going to kill you.
Jefe, please don"t kill me! Jefe! Jefe, no!
Jefe! Are we going to destroy La Miranda?
No, I don"t like to work on the weekends.
Tonight, it"s karaoke!
What did you guys do last night?
You missed a hell of a party.
You were partying?
It"s part of the hero business, man.
For us not to partake in the celebration
would have just been rude.
We"re goodwill ambassadors
winning over hearts and minds.
Everett, that"s exactly why
you shouldn"t drink tequila.
This always happens when I eat the worm.
Where were you?
You went and saw
that little girl, didn"t you?
Did y"all do the chimichanga?
Oh, come on, Bill. Don"t be crude, man.
Larry"s a gentleman, and Maria"s a lady.
Did you bang her?
All right, listen, I was up all night thinking
about our situation.
We just can"t be running around
a country we"re not supposed to be in.
So, I think we ought to just stay right here
and wait for the Army to pick us up.
- So, we"re staying?
This ain"t the infield at Talladega.
Since we"re stuck here,
I figure we ought to do
what we"re supposed to do.
And these folks have
been pretty hospitable.
I think it"s time we return the favor.
So, come on, let"s get to it.
- You want to change there, senorita?
- Oh, I forgot I had this on.
It really breathes.
Iraq? You guys may want to buy a map, eh?
But what my father means to say
is that we are really appreciative
for what you have done
for our poor village.
We know we messed up,
and kind of hoping
we can keep this our little secret.
We"d like to stick around
and provide perimeter security
and help restore your infrastructure.
First place you can start is this well.
It"s been dry for years.
We"re forced to carry water from the river.
Yeah. No problem.
Thank you for your generosity.
My pleasure, ma"am.
Here"s the problem with the well.
That"s right, boys! Can"t hate number 8!
They love it!
Hey, where"d you get all those extra nails?
I just pulled them out of that old shed.
You know, we"re doing a lot of good.
They could really use
these medical supplies.
Oh, man. Guys, you gotta see this.
What do you think happened?
I don"t know.
Maybe some wild critters dug him up.
I think it"s a more logical explanation.
- The Chupacabra.
It"s a mythical hairless dog-like creature
that sucks the blood out
of both man and beast.
It"s been terrorizing these parts for years.
Either that, or it"s grave robbers.
I mean, you can get top dollar
for a testicle on eBay these days.
Poor bastard. Couldn"t even rest in peace.
I am gonna kill you deviant bastards!
What are you doing, Senor Bill?
Trying to get this dang radio working.
I need to talk to my superior.
Well, why don"t you just use a telephone?
You got a phone?
Well, not here in town,
but I can show you where.
Now, we need to keep this
between you and I.
See, it"s a covert op, and we don"t want
General Larry interfering.
Why wouldn"t you want him to know?
I thought you had to call your superior.
I do. My wife.
Oh, si, Senor Bill.
It will be our secret.
Good. Now, where the hell is this phone?
Shut up in there! Hello?
Hey, sweetie! It"s me!
Why haven't you called? Are you in Iraq?
No. No, we had a little change of plans.
This better be good.
Yeah, it"s actually a pretty funny story.
Quiet in there! I'm talking to your dad!
We"re in Mexico.
Mexico? You better get
your ass right back here...
- Hang on a second.
A two-way whore in a rowdy...
No, no, no, no.
Now, you hold on a second, honey.
It"s not like that at all.
l"m not on vacation down here.
Damn right you're not on vacation.
What are you doing down there?
Hey, this is part
of a government sanctioned incursion
into a sovereign nation
as part of Operation Sombrero.
You're a part of a government operation?
Yeah. Yeah, so, tell the boys,
their daddy is a hero.
Hang on a second!
Are you coming home or not?
No. I don"t know when l"m gonna be home.
Well, I don"t know. Hell.
- Hey, what is...
- Oh, l"m sorry, senor.
Did I cut you off?
how many more men you
got back in La Miranda?
All I gotta tell you
is my name, rank, and favorite cereal.
And that"s all you"re getting.
I think Ruben likes you.
It just seems odd that a man of your stature
would embrace alternative lifestyles
amongst his men.
You can"t fire someone
because they"re gay!
You can get sued for that, eh?
Besides, he"s my nephew.
You can"t choose your familia.
So, he"s here, he"s queer. Get used to it.
l"m still not telling you anything.
Start talking or l"II tell Ruben
he can marry you.
He wants a wife.
Well, there"s just three of us.
We don"t have an idea what we"re doing.
We thought this was Iraq.
Can you believe that? Iraq.
Who would make that stupid mistake?
You and you men
have really done some good here.
Oh, well, just goes to show you
what a little hard work
and ingenuity can do.
You must have learned
so much in the Army.
Oh, shoot, yeah.
We"re all highly-trained individuals.
Hey, Larry! Help me out with this thing!
Well, most of us, anyway.
- I better handle this. L"II see you later.
I think I got it now.
Look out, you idiot! Not at the village!
- Oh, yeah.
- Turn it!
Damn it! That"s been happening all day!
I don"t get it.
l"m gonna get this thing working
if it kills me.
- Damn it. Come on, Everett!
- L"m right behind you, buddy!
People of La Miranda,
you have disobeyed your Jefe
by not paying my tribute.
Now, come out and take your punishment!
Hold it right there!
You"re in a lot of trouble, gringo!
This is not Iraq!
I am the law here!
I am Carlos Santana!
Definitely not the singer.
We caught your friend here
trying to call his wife.
You found a phone,
and the one person you call is your wife?
She gets moody if I don"t check in.
She sounds like a real bitch, senor.
You have to set some boundaries.
All right, turn him loose!
Turn him loose?
We have you outnumbered.
What are you gonna do,
kill us all by yourself?
l"m just gonna kill you.
I hadn"t thought of that.
Well, looks like we got ourselves
a Mexican standoff.
down here, we just call it a standoff.
Tell your people to stand back.
This is my town!
You don"t give the orders here, I do!
In just a few minutes,
the entire 101st Airborne
is gonna come down that road.
Just go with me on this.
Senor, I think you"re bluffing!
Iraq, it"s a land of miracles.
Sarge? You"re alive?
Shut up, numb nuts.
Surprised to see me, maggots?
Can we sort this out later, Sarge?
- Little bit of a situation on our hands.
- You bet your ass we got a situation.
You assholes are A-W-O-L!
I was just telling these armed men,
the rest of our highly-trained
firepower-out-the-ass 101st Airborne
was coming up right behind you.
Are you nuts?
We"re not even in Iraq.
There"s no one here! We"re alone.
Now give me that weapon.
This shit-hole of a country is Mexico.
You"re not exactly a box of chocolates,
Mind your own business, Pedro.
Actually, senor, this is my business.
Put your hands in the air now!
You have the right to remain silent!
You have the right to an attorney!
What the hell is that?
This is a Mark 153 shoulder-launch
multipurpose assault weapon.
Who wants to ride the pain train?
Well, boys, looks like we got ourselves
a Mexican standoff.
Hey, Sarge. You still got your testicles?
Everett? Everett, hand that thing over.
- No, I can do it.
- Hand it over.
l"m a trained law enforcement officer.
You"re gonna hurt somebody.
Watch and learn!
That"s what l"m talking about!
Not only have you saved us again,
but you"ve given us the miracle of water.
- Nice shooting, Everett.
- I know.
You know what they say?
The Army, toughest job you"II ever love.
No, that"s the Peace Corps.
God damn it, Everett!
l"m gonna tear off your head
and shit down your...
Say hello to my nephew Ruben.
Do you really think this is a good idea?
I mean, we"ve already buried Sarge once,
and I don"t know
if I can go through this again,
Look, he may be an asshole,
but he"s our asshole.
Everett, what are you doing?
l"m changing the terror level
from orange to red pinata.
Everett, get down!
Are you sure you must do this?
This is not your fight.
Look, once they messed with Sarge,
it became our fight.
Bin Laden, here we come!
Shut up, Everett.
Lock up the prisoner!
Jefe, are we going
to burn down La Miranda?
Tonight it"s wrestling!
Who"s he fighting, Jefe?
You and Hector.
I would love to.
All right. Does everybody know the plan?
Crack skulls and kick ass!
Well, we may never see him again.
l"m gonna miss that little mongoloid.
You disable the vehicles.
l"m gonna get Sarge.
Boy, am I glad to see a friendly face.
I have had the darnedest time
ever since I left the interstate.
I think we took a wrong
turn at buenas noches.
What you have to do is...
That"s what I need to do right there.
l"m getting too fat for this shit.
Electric shock, huh?
Well, in the Mekong Delta,
the Vietcong stuck bamboo shoots
under my fingernails.
It"II take a lot more than that to break me.
What the hell is this?
It"s a duet!
Hey, hey, hey!
Who else is man enough
to step into the ring?
Right here, amigo!
Who is this maricon?
I don"t know,
but I like him.
He"s got style!
Muchachos, a masked challenger
is gonna take on El Javalina.
Hold on, Sarge. L"m coming.
Come on, Tijuana! You want some?
You gonna get some!
Hey, don"t you worry about anything, man.
l"m a pro.
l"m a card-carrying member
of the Georgia
Independent Wrestling Alliance.
Just take a lookout for my trick knee.
Man, look at the size of that son of a bitch.
- He"d have ripped you a...
- Get me loose!
I hate Sonny and Cher.
Hey, Bill"s down by the gate.
l"m gonna go get Everett.
What are you doing?
You"re wearing the enemy"s uniform.
I should have known you"d be a traitor.
No, l"m undercover.
l"m wrecking the vehicles. Here"s the plan.
l"m putting sugar in their gas tanks.
I got a better idea.
I see we"re playing
by Panamanian prison rules.
Yeah, take some of this, amigo!
You just bought yourself
a six pack of pain, buddy!
Come get some!
l"m the king! L"m the king!
Get set for the full force of the U.S. Military!
Get them, guys!
I know you!
You"re that retarded guy with the bazooka!
It was a rocket-launcher.
Kill this cabron!
Hold it right there!
You gotta be kidding me!
You gringos are like
a bad case of the crabs.
I can"t get rid of you!
Everett, get over here.
You, senor, are either very brave
or very stupid.
Either way, you can"t kill all of us.
l"II just kill you.
Damn! I keep doing that.
Good job, Larry.
l"m out of here. You disarm them,
and l"II meet you back
at Checkpoint Charlie.
All right, come on! Let"s get out of here!
Let"s go! Shotgun!
Damn you, Everett!
They"re over there!
Look at our cars, Jefe.
Who would do such a thing?
Saddle up the horses
and bring out Big Bertha!
Come on! Move, move, move!
Come on! Let"s go!
This is the end of La Miranda.
You made it back.
l"m so glad. I was very worried.
There"s still a certain senorita
I gotta take out on the town.
Or make sweet, sweet love to her
under the stars
as a mariachi bands serenades you
with a song of romance and desire.
You saved our village
by killing Carlos Santana.
Well, not quite.
Son, make it quick. We gotta get going.
What? We can"t leave.
Santana might be
on his way down here right now,
and this village is defenseless.
Son, you showed me something
by coming to save me, you really did.
But this is out of my hands.
We have to leave.
- This isn"t Iraq.
We did what we could do,
but this isn"t our fight.
l"m not leaving.
Oh, Larry, come on!
Private, l"m giving you an order.
I think you guys forgot what our orders are.
We"re supposed to bring
freedom and democracy
to people that need it.
I think these people need it.
l"m staying to finish the job.
l"m staying to do what"s right.
Anybody that"s with me can cross this line.
Oh, come on, guys!
Sarge, look at these people.
They"re honest, hardworking.
They got hopes, dreams.
Ain"t you ever had a dream?
Hell, you got me.
I always wanted to be
an aerobics instructor.
Don"t look at me, man.
I got a wife and kids to think about.
And what would you do if Connie
and the boys lived in a town like this?
Would you leave them then?
Like they say in the Army,
be all you can be.
You got it right!
Who am I kidding?
I live in a storage locker.
l"m not going anywhere.
All right, then.
We got all day to figure out a plan.
Come on, we"re the Sleeping Marmots!
What else can Santana do to us?
I think you better take a look at this.
Where"d they get that?
That"s a Sherman tank, U.S. Army surplus!
Back in the "80s, the Mexicans traded
15,000 cases of Chiclets for them.
Get everybody in the church!
- But what about...
We gotta take that tank out.
Get the rocket-launcher!
I got it, Sarge! It"s in the bunkhouse!
If I die, Connie"s gonna kill me!
We gotta take that tank out!
Don"t we have anything
in this town we can use?
You heard the man! Cover him!
I said cover me!
Damn it! Come on!
Shit. That"II work.
It is time for us to stand up to Santana
once and for all!
Come on! Let"s get them!
Remember the Alamo!
That is a sore subject around here, senor.
We did it. We ran them off!
- Where"s Maria?
- Oh, General, Santana has taken her.
You have any more daughters?
l"II go find Maria.
They may have won this battle,
but as usual,
Carlos Santana will win the war.
Now let her go!
What do you see in this fat redneck?
I swear, on Monday,
l"m starting a low-carb diet.
Now l"II have to kill both of you.
It will take more than one helicopter
to defeat Carlos Santana!
This is not good.
Papa! Oh, thank God!
Look forward and come this way, please!
Hey, everybody okay?
Oh, sure. Everybody"s fine.
Couldn"t be better.
Bill got shot.
Bill got... What?
Bill! You all right?
They got me!
I don"t think l"m gonna make it.
You tell them my story.
He was shot in the ass. He"II be fine.
- Colonel Dalton, Delta Force.
Is there a Bill Little here?
Yeah. That"s me.
Your wife"s a real pain in the ass.
When she found out you were in Mexico,
she started calling the Pentagon.
Wouldn"t stop till the Joint Chiefs
sent us down here to get you.
God, I love that woman.
Yeah. You better mow the lawn
when you get home.
Hey, Larry, this guy wants to talk to you.
Says he"s from the State Department.
undersecretary, Central American affairs.
You hear that? Poor bastard"s a secretary.
Bit of a sticky situation we"ve got here.
We"re in a lot of trouble, ain"t we?
Maybe not. That is,
if you guys will cooperate.
We"re all about cooperation.
Another victory in the war on terror
as the White House today
announced the success
of Operation Sombrero
with strikes against terror camps
located in northern Mexico
by U.S. personnel operating with
permission from the Mexican government.
In a shocking development,
among those captured in the attack
was Grammy-winning musician,
known for such hits
as Black Magic Woman,
Evil Ways, and Oye Como Va.
Once more, America is in need
of its best and brightest.
One wonders if there are still heroes
willing to lead us
through the challenges we face as a nation.
I say the answer is yes.
And I am proud to be standing
here with them today
as we honor their sacrifice.
What"s my name?
Sergeant Kilgore, sir!
You will be a mean, lean fighting machine.
One, two, three!
Move it, fat buddy!
Oh, yeah! That"s the way I like it!
Stop it! Stop it!
l"m a government employee!
You can"t do this!
Here you go, honey.
Oh, I wish I had a thousand of them
just like you, son.
Any chance I can convince you
to come back to Washington?
Actually, General, I got other plans.
Mr. Chile, would you like to sing a song?
Why don"t you sing something
by Carlos Santana?
- You sing very good.
- Thank you.
- What did you think of the last guy?
- I did not like the last guy.
He was squeezing my stick.
All right, you"re gonna love this. Pull!
Wait a second. Those are mine!
When you address me, you will address me
as Sergeant... What is my name? Kilgore!
How you doing, GI Joe. Can I help you?
What is my name?
My last movie was nominated
for two Academy Awards.
I would like to say that.
Man, who"d have thought
a woman that fat could move so quick?
Oh, my God, y"all!
People of La Mirada...
People of La Miranda!
The end of La Mirada!
Oye como va, bitches. L"m out.