Voila! Finally, the Evan Almighty script is here for all you fans of the Steve Carell movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. At least you'll have some Evan Almighty quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?
And swing on back to Drew's
Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.
Evan Almighty Script
SUSAN: And that's the news.
But before we sign off, we'd like
to congratulate our very own Evan Baxter,
who has just been elected
Buffalo's representative to Congress.
And, now, we have a surprise for Evan.
No, you don't.
Oh, no. I really didn't expect this.
Here's a look back at his run for office.
What are we gonna do?
ALL: Change the world!
ALL: Baxter! Baxter! Baxter!
ALL: Baxter! Baxter!
I feel like that old Indian
in front of all the garbage.
So, for the last time, this is Evan Baxter
for Eyewitness News. Good night.
(HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE RAIN PLAYING)
GPS: Huntsville, Virginia.
Prestige Crest, four miles.
What did we do before GPS?
Guys, Dad's very proud of his new car.
Hey, I am proud of my new car.
Look, I'm a politician now.
I'm in the public eye, and as you know,
when you are in the public eye,
image is everything, isn't it?
EVAN: Here it is! Welcome to the good life.
Hey, guys, why the long faces?
We're off on a new adventure!
It's just we're going to miss our friends.
You'll make new friends, better friends.
Yeah, richer friends.
Do not mouth off to me, sir.
I am the boss of you.
And let me tell you something,
you guys are gonna love this place.
And you know what? I think there's
something for our fishermen up there.
EVAN: Baxter family,
this is what's called a scenic vista.
And I don't think the big man himself
could do a better job. Pretty cool, huh?
Hey, Dad, an iguana can stay underwater
for 28 minutes.
And a shrimp's heart is in its head.
Okay, someone's had enough Animal Planet
for one lifetime.
Yeah, let's head out! Come on.
The best is yet to come!
EVAN: Gentlemen, I have saved
the best for last.
Look over to the right.
That is your new home.
JORDAN: That's our house?
JOAN: I don't remember it being
this big in the brochure.
Was it this big in the brochure?
EVAN: Pretty amazing, isn't it?
There they are!
Is this curb appeal or what?
Here we go!
Honey, I think you're blocking my photo.
All right, everybody! Say "escrow"!
RYAN: Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Go. Go. Go.
EVAN: Guys, easy.
This is our house?
JOAN: Honey, be careful!
EVAN: Watch it!
Are you kidding me?
Mom, can we go upstairs?
And I get my own room, right?
Mr. Baxter, could you give us some
direction on these kitchen cabinets?
Okay, it's between your maple
and your old-growth Brazilian cherry.
That is nice! Which is best?
Well, if you're not sensitive
to that "save the rainforest" stuff,
you can't beat the Brazilian cherry.
It's 200, 300 years old.
Three hundred years.
Wow. That is old.
And now you are going to hold my dishes.
That's right. You going with the cherry?
He's going with the cherry!
RYAN: Dad, look!
No, no, no!
Ryan, do not touch him, please!
Oh, no, no, no, no, get him away!
No. He might have lice, fleas,
maggots or something.
You do not play with stray dogs
because they are very...
No, no! Get away, get away! Go!
Okay. Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
No, you don't! There we go.
Well, Ryan, he's a stray.
If we give him water,
he's just going to come back.
Come on, Dad, why can't we keep him?
I mean, we've got a new house.
Okay, Ryan, this is why we can't keep him.
They are stinky. They are smelly.
They get hair all over the place.
They get a little thing called the mange.
In a nutshell, he is disgusting.
Case in point.
EVAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
this concludes day one
of the Baxters' new and exciting life.
I have to do the new house dance.
Wow! That dance?
That's a good new house dance.
You know, those boys were having
so much fun tonight,
I thought I would never get them to bed.
And then Ryan did the cutest thing.
He asked if we could all pray together.
Really? What did you pray about?
He met a dog. What do you think
he prayed for?
(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
Just a walking petri dish, that dog.
And Jordan was very precise.
He prayed for good visibility, good weather
on the hiking trip tomorrow.
The hiking trip? Oh, right. Yeah.
The hiking trip. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You wanna know what I prayed for?
Yeah. What did you pray for?
I prayed we would become closer
as a family.
Honey, you don't need to pray for that
to happen. I will make that happen.
What would you pray for?
Me? I don't know. Praying just...
Honey, you're the one who said
you wanted to change the world.
It's a pretty big job.
If it were me,
I would take all the help I could get.
WOMAN OVER TV: Former Buffalo News
anchor, Evan Baxter, takes office tomorrow
to make good on a lofty campaign promise.
What are we going to do?
ALL: Change the world!
WOMAN OVER TV: Good luck, Congressman.
Many have tried, many have failed.
This is Regina Sparks reporting for...
Hello, there. Hi.
This is Evan Baxter.
Just wanted to say thank you for everything.
Thank you for the new car and for the house.
The house is great. I love it.
I mean, I picked it out,
but you created matter and everything, so...
I just wanted to say that I think
Joan makes a good point,
and that I am now in a position
of great power,
and I know that with great power
comes great responsibility.
Please help me change the world.
Okay. That's it. I'm hanging up now.
God bless... Well, you. Okay.
What? That's weird.
I set the alarm for 7:00.
I am successful. I am powerful.
I am handsome.
I am happy, successful,
powerful, handsome, happy.
All right, everyone, wish me luck.
The Congressman has left the building.
All right, Baxter brood, I will see you
later on this afternoon for the big hike. Yes?
EVAN: You psyched? Are you ready?
Bye. See you.
Good luck, honey.
See you later.
Wow. Honey, did you order anything?
"Alpha and Omega Hardware"?
JOAN: Never heard of them.
What do we have?
What is this stuff?
Must have the wrong address.
Yup. The wrong address.
WOMAN: Congressman Baxter.
MAN 1: Good morning,
MAN 2: Good morning,
Oh, this is so cool.
Yeah. This'll work.
There he is! The head honcho.
The big kahuna.
Rita, I think I have to do the dance.
Do the dance.
That's enough of the dance.
Oh, this is nice! This is really nice!
This is too nice.
There's something crooked going on.
Do you smell anthrax?
Nice sound to that.
I like it.
Here they are!
You remember Sarah, Allen, Michael.
I don't think you know the new kid
Eugene Tennanbaum. I found him at G.W.
Sort of a walking search engine. Watch this.
How many stars on the flag in 1818?
And Congressman Baxter's coffee habits?
He likes a morning latte with a cruller,
a decaf espresso after lunch,
served sans pastry of any kind.
Very impressive. A little freaky,
but I like this kid.
(LAUGHING) I love you.
I mean, we should hang out socially.
I just got a ping-pong table.
Not going to happen.
Go find out where his license plates are.
Everybody else, back to your holes.
EUGENE: He was actually right.
I'm doing a background check on that kid.
Ta-da! This, my friend, is a power office,
to remind you of the mission!
BOTH: "Change the world!"
Okay, Evan, who do you know?
What do you mean?
Oh, come on.
Yesterday we're in the basement.
Today, look at this place.
It's like the Emerald City!
"Enjoy your office.
Your neighbor, Congressman Long."
Congressman Long did this?
Did you say "neighbor"?
That's right. He lives in Prestige Crest,
right up the street.
Evan, you got to tell me these things.
Think of the publicity angle on this!
You and Congressman Long
having a barbecue.
Congressman Long eating your hot dog.
RITA: Hate to break up
your little weenie roast.
Congressman Long's assistant
just dropped this off.
The Congressman would like for you
to junior cosponsor this bill
that he's introducing.
Hold on. Congressman Long asked us to
junior cosponsor his bill? What's the bill?
The Citizens' Integration of Public Lands Act.
Never heard of it. Gene, here, now.
Rita, why didn't you tell me about this?
I just did.
You need to tell me about it
before I need to know about it.
Marty, you are not the vice congressman.
I am the legislative...
Nobody voted for you. If Evan gets shot
in the head, you do not automatically...
If Evan got shot in the head,
you're the first suspect.
Play nice. Play nice.
All right, Eugene, Congressman Long's bill.
What is it?
HR7124, better known as CINPLAN.
The bill would open up fringe areas
of the national parks for development.
Long's been sitting on it for ages...
Got it. Pause. Come on, Evan, this is huge.
You hitch your wagon to the right star,
you could ride all the way down
to Pennsylvania Avenue.
This is day one.
You got your name on a major piece
Oh, and another thing,
he wants you to read it today.
Well, I can't do it today.
I promised my kids...
Well, sir, there's a time clock on the bill.
If Congressman Long wants to
pass it this quarter,
he's going to have to introduce it
to the committee immediately.
I'm personally going with whatever
Congressman Baxter decides,
because if I could be like one man,
it'd be him.
Either him or Kareem.
Can I tase him?
It'd probably be you.
Come on, Evan, this is it!
This is why we came here!
It's world-changing time!
Hey, anybody home?
Come on. We're in here!
Dad, guess what? I got all your stuff
packed up so that we can...
We're not going, are we?
First things first.
I have been asked to junior cosponsor a bill.
See? I told you. And you owe me five bucks.
Whoa, whoa, guys.
Hey. Hey, we said we would
have to make sacrifices, right?
DYLAN: Yeah. Whatever.
New house, same old dad.
Hey, I'm the one who has to read this thing!
Hey. Did you hear?
Junior cosponsor of a bill.
Okay, Ry, let's clean all this stuff up.
Dad's got work to do.
No. It's 6:14.
Of course. Voodoo clock speaks again.
Hey! Hey! Hey! No. Okay.
Whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa! What's going on?
I got a delivery for Evan Baxter!
Yeah, that's not mine. I didn't order that!
I just deliver, guy, huh?
You got a complaint, call the number!
No! Hey! Listen! We are 416, not 614!
You've got the wrong house!
You can't leave that there!
That's going to leave a brown patch!
I am a U.S. Congressman!
(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)
Dad, what are you doing? I'm watching this.
Joan! Do we have a Bible anywhere?
"Make thee an ark of gopher wood..."
GOD: "Go-four-wood." Get it?
Well, it's not really gopher wood.
I just like the wordplay.
No, it's pine and maple.
It was clear-cut from this valley
to make room for all those houses.
Excuse me. Do I know you?
Not as well as I'd like.
I see you got my housewarming gift.
That was you? You sent those?
What are they for? Hey! Hey.
Genesis, chapter six, verse fourteen.
I want you to build an ark.
You want me to build an ark.
So that's why the tools.
And you are responsible for the wood?
All right. Well, let's just start over.
Hello, I am Evan...
Evan Baxter. Born June 15, 1962.
Eight pounds, 11 ounces.
Mother's Carroll Ann Parker.
Father, Eugene Evan Baxter.
You have internet access. Very impressive.
Do you also have cable?
You're a clean freak. You care much
too much about your outward appearance.
Your left nipple is a quarter inch higher
than your right nipple.
And when you were a little boy,
you were afraid of Gumby.
Who are you?
Yes. And I want you, Evan Baxter,
to build an ark.
Okay. You know what? This conversation
is a little thing I like to call over!
But I got to get going,
because, frankly, I have an ark to build.
Busy, busy, busy, busy. Nice meeting you.
Take care. Oh, and...
All right, see you later!
Shake it off, Evan. It's over.
The nutcase is gone.
I am successful, I'm powerful,
I'm handsome, I'm happy.
Successful, powerful, handsome, happy.
Get it out, son. It's the beginning of wisdom.
How did you get in here?
I'm calling the cops.
Oh, no. No need! Look! Look.
There's one right there. Right there.
Officer! Officer! Officer! Carjacker!
Carjacker in the car! Carjacker in the car!
Careful pulling out.
Pedestrian in the crosswalk.
(EXCLAIMING IN DISBELIEF)
(ELEVATOR BELL RINGING)
Shake it off, shake it off!
Shake it off, shake it off!
Good morning, chief!
Good morning, Rita.
You almost scared me to death!
What's wrong with you?
Nothing. Just sort of a weird ride in.
It was just a weird ride in.
Okay, well, thanks for clarifying.
Here's your mail and your schedule.
And they finally fixed the phones.
My new extension is 614.
You want me to write that down?
I'd rather you didn't.
MARTY: Good morning.
Hey, Long came through with that seat
on the House Resource Committee.
You stuck in your thumb
and pulled out a plum, my friend.
Also, the new Congressional plates
just came in.
Gene, plates, now.
And Alex at the Buffalo office had her baby.
Boy or girl?
A little boy. And here he is.
Just as cute as a button. Not bad
for such an ugly woman. Weighed in at...
Six pounds, 14 ounces.
How'd you know that?
Hot, hot, hot! Hot off the press!
It's a joke. Here are your plates, sir.
MARTY: Those are rock-star plates, man.
You can park anywhere.
You can't be sitting in a chair.
You've got a committee meeting
in five minutes.
Come on, BMIC, Big Man in Congress.
Evan Baxter, the shark on the move.
MAN: House Resources Committee
is now in order.
The Chair recognizes the congresswoman
to lead the Pledge of Allegiance.
I pledge allegiance to the flag...
ALL: I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America
and to the Republic, for which it stands...
...one nation, under me...
ALL: One nation, under God...
with liberty and justice for all.
How long do you want to do this, son?
I've got all eternity.
Hey. You okay, young man?
Dropped like a leaf
during the Pledge of Allegiance.
Resources Committee Chairman.
Oh. Oh. Congressman Long. Yes.
Oh, I'm so sorry about...
Forget it! Many a man's been humbled
by his first day in Congress.
So, how'd you like that office?
Oh, it was great. Yes. Thank you, sir.
Not bad for a freshman dorm room, huh?
So here's the skinny.
I'm bringing you into my land use bill
because you strike me as the type of guy
who knows how to hit the ground running.
Yes, sir. I read the bill, and it's great.
I just had a few questions.
Hey, I wrote the thing
and I have a few questions.
We'll get to the questions later.
So, you with us?
Yes, sir. I'm in.
I'll need you to put that into
a letter of intent,
as soon as you're feeling up to it,
of course. You get yourself better.
Enjoy that office.
Thank you, sir.
He's exhausted from reading that bill.
I got woozy from just carrying it.
Evan, sit down.
Evan, what happened to you?
You can't faint during the Pledge
of Allegiance. It's un-American.
Oh, good. The doctor's here.
Just go home, get some rest
and start on that ark. You hear me?
God warned noah about the great flood was coming...
Noah build the ark for his wife and 3 sons...
The ark was 300 qubics long and
50 qubics high
What are you doing?
Going over Todd's Bill?
Yea...That's what i was looking at...
...there's a lot...
...a lot of research to do on it
You know David, you have every right
to be freaked out
I'm not freaked out, why would i be freaked out?
I'm freaking out, because of the future
just listen you just got a new job ...
...and then with this freaking bill your working on...
...sofort and on and on...
The name is stressed
Oh no honey, i've known you 20 years...
...i know your stressed
They're getting to much sugar in they're blood
Thank you honey
This is cracy
I'm just stressed and you are gone
Good Morning, how are you?
Somebody is in a good mood
I am, i thought about what you said and
you're right, i need to get my head on straight
this weekend we're going on a Hike-ing trip
Hurray... Yeeaa... high five it
We're going on a hiking trip
We're gonna have a rightess hiking trip
Hey dad look!
2 doves that's supose to be good luck
Well today must be my lucky day
Good morning kitty
Keep moving... break it up
When you're on my lawn keep it in your pot!
Ohh... ohh... hey!
Thank's for sharing
MARTY: You're right on time.
Long just called. He's on his way with the
powers that be. Who are they, Gene? Talk.
Congressman Jim Dodd,
head of Ways and Means.
But don't worry, sir,
he's definitely not "way mean."
I don't know him personally...
That's too much, Gene. Who else?
Congressman Richard Stamp,
head of Commerce,
and Bob Hughes is Transportation.
I have a draft of your support letter.
Sounds like a plan.
Are you all right?
You sure you're good? Okay.
Good morning, chief.
Good morning, Rita.
Are you okay?
You don't look so good.
That's what I said.
You're all jumpy. Are you on that Fen-Phen?
Guys, I'm fine. I'll be inside.
No, no, no, no.
No. Okay. No, no. No. No, no. No.
No, no, no. Oh, my gosh!
Guys! No, no! Get out! Get out! Oh, my hair!
What an honor to have you here.
I'm Marty Stringer.
I'm Congressman Baxter's chief of staff.
This is Rita Daniels, his executive assistant.
RITA: Are you ready, sir?
Just a minute. No, no, no, no.
Dirty, dirty, dirty! Big one!
Baxter's only a freshman, sir, but I think
you'll find he is locked and loaded.
Good. Maybe this young stud can help me
get these old mares on board.
Oh, you'll be impressed.
Gentlemen, good to see you.
Do you want to explain yourself,
Congressman? What is going on?
What are they doing here?
How did they get in here?
Well, that is an excellent question.
And my response to said question is,
they are trained
Let me make you see
what I'm talking about.
I can make any sort of movement,
and they will not get off!
Do you have a point, Congressman?
Hey, guys, what's the point?
What's my point?
(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)
I'll tell you.
The point is
needs to dominate creatures
and, ultimately, man must
dictate what happens in this country.
God bless America.
I couldn't agree more.
You have got to be kidding me.
CONGRESSMAN: No, of course not.
We lost a huge project last year
because of the red-headed woodpecker.
Those environmentalists got so up in arms
over the potential disappearance
of one stupid bird...
Yeah, birds are stupid sometimes.
...we lost over $25 million in business.
I see where you're going with this,
Congressman. Good work!
Your little display has obviously
hit a chord. Gentlemen.
From now on, let's keep the surprises
to a maximum of, say, none. Understood?
Yes, sir. Absolutely, sir.
Evan, that was brilliant. Risky, but brilliant.
(MARTY EXCLAIMING IN DELIGHT)
I'll tell you one thing, these birds had
a nice big meal before they flew in here.
You want me to get my BB gun?
You know what I want you to do?
I want you to open the door.
Open the door?
Just open the door!
Close the door after I leave! Just do it!
One, two, three!
Man, if I get the bird flu,
he is paying for my medical bills!
Go, go, go! Get out!
I'm not doing this. It's insane!
See, if you had an ark,
you'd have a place to put them all.
Why are you doing this? Why me?
It's not time yet. Go on. Go on.
Yeah, go on.
So how about it?
Feel like living on the edge?
Beautiful, isn't it?
I remember creating this valley.
Notice how the mountains line up
east to west.
That's so there'd be lots of sunshine.
Where are we?
Don't recognize it, eh?
This is where you live, son.
This is Prestige Crest.
I wanted you to see the original design.
So, you're really him, aren't you?
You want more proof? I haven't done
the pillar of salt thing in a while.
That's all right. I believe you. I just...
I don't understand why you chose me.
You want to change the world, son.
So do I.
What? Well, why an ark?
I mean, that's like flood territory.
You wouldn't do that again.
You wouldn't do that. Would you do that?
Let's just say that whatever I do,
I do because I love you.
Well, then you have to understand
that this whole building-an-ark thing
is really not part of my plans here.
I need to settle into my house.
I need to make a good impression at work.
Your plans. That's just...
What are you talking...
We're talking about an ark, right?
I mean, an ark?
An ark is huge!
I don't even know where I would begin!
Well, I hear that a lot.
People want to change the world,
don't know how to begin.
You want to know
how to change the world, son?
One act of random kindness at a time.
Build the ark.
I'll tell you what. You build it, I'll fill it.
And if anybody asks,
tell them a flood's coming.
Oh, and you might need this.
Well, okay. Okay, so what do I do?
I grab the wood and...
You know, that's just cruel.
Do you see him?
I don't see him.
"Building an Ark the Old-Fashioned Way."
"God is the creator of
the Heavens and the Earth.
"He lives in all things and has over
six billion seven hundred million children."
JOAN: Honey? You okay?
You need something?
No, nothing. Just dropped something.
There we go. Okay.
Come on. I mean, a beard?
A beard's so dirty.
JOAN: Packing, so it would really help me
out if you would...
Hey, hey, hey, good morning.
What's with the scruffle, mountain man?
Oh, well, you know, I figured it was
a weekend, and I thought...
Honey, did I miss something?
How long have you been growing that?
(DOOR BELL RINGING)
I'll get the door!
What are you talking about?
The lots. You bought the lots next door!
And pulling the down payment out of
your home equity? Very gutsy move.
I didn't do that, did I?
You sure did. So what's your plan?
What are you gonna do?
Turn them for a quick profit?
Build them out on spec?
Who wants champagne? Hip, hip hooray!
You bought eight lots?
Yup. I was going to surprise you.
"Surprise, surprise, surprise." Gomer Pyle.
What are you doing?
We can't afford that.
Hey, Mom. John Lennon,
good to see you again.
Good to see you.
And eight lots? What are you going to
do with eight lots?
I don't know.
Maybe I'll build a boat.
Did you say "build a boat"?
It might be something fun for the family.
We could take the boat,
go sailing on the lake.
It'd be great in case it floods or something.
What is going on with you?
You bought all those lots
and you're talking about building a boat.
And you grow this crazy beard!
Is this, like, a midlife crisis?
It's not that bad!
Why do you think they call it a crisis?
Hey, keep it down, you guys! Okay?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I know this sounds crazy.
I really think I need to do this.
Build your boat.
Just don't take too long, okay?
Because we didn't leave our lives in Buffalo
so you could sail the S.S. Depression.
Here we go.
Gentlemen, I'm sure you're all wondering
why I've assembled you here today.
An Argentine lake duck has
a penis as long as its body.
Wow, that's huge. He must be proud.
So, I have come up with a little
construction project for us this weekend.
The whole weekend?
The whole weekend. Yes!
And maybe a couple weekends after that.
I can do this. Help!
How do I stand up with a piece of wood?
Here we go.
(JUST LIKE NOAH'S ARK PLAYING)
Oh, man. Okay, that's good.
Mother! Father! Sister! Brother! Wow!
EVAN: Keep it straight.
Hey, Dad, he's back!
Ryan, no, don't do...
Leverage it up! Leverage. Okay.
Just put some leverage.
You got to put some body weight.
Ready? One, two, three. Come on.
Oh, I'm an idiot.
"Nice to meet you, Mr. Congressman.
Why do you have raw beef hands?"
"Well, I'm building an ark."
I got a boo-boo! I got a boo-boo!
I got a boo-boo!
You ever hear of Home Depot?
Here we go! Here we go! Oh, yeah!
All right. So our little Marlboro Man
moment didn't work out so well.
It's a disaster. I don't know
how to build something like this.
That's easy. Just don't.
(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)
Yes, Marty. Your fearless leader is right here.
Hey, Marty, what's up?
Yes, I'll tell him. Thank you.
I might need security. Thank you.
Can I help you?
Rita, it's me.
Why do you sound like Evan Baxter,
but look like a Bee Gee?
Okay. All right.
Okay, that's great. It's longer.
Oh, my God. It is you.
Evan, what happened?
Did you fall in a mine shaft?
Did you just come out of a coma?
Were you attacked by a werewolf?
No, I wasn't.
Well, if you were going for that rugged look,
you overshot it.
You look like a bum in a suit.
You need Super cuts and a shave.
Right! Yeah. But I can't. It doesn't work.
What do you mean, it doesn't work?
It doesn't work!
What? Are you shooting up Rogaine?
Rita, if Evan shows up... I'm sorry, sir.
I'll be with you in just one...
Take it in. Take it in.
Okay, yeah, to answer any questions
you may have,
I am going through adult puberty!
This is all temporary.
Why did you bring me down here?
What was so important?
What is so important?
I've got a letter of intent here
about Congressman Long's bill.
You remember that, don't you?
Well, you haven't been here and now
he wants you to sign this in person, Evan!
No, I can't do that. Nope, nope, nope.
Not gonna happen.
No. You can't do that.
Not looking like that. You have to go shave!
I can't shave, Marty.
When I shave, it grows back out.
That happens when you shave!
But then you shave again!
You have no idea.
Evan, what is going on?
MARTY: You're building something?
Well, I hope it's a barber shop.
Guys, I can't let Long see me
this way, okay?
You're gonna have to tell him I'm sick.
Just cover for me. Just help me out!
Come on, Evan, be reasonable.
You got to get rid of that beard.
I need your face back. I need you back.
Can you at least tell me
what you're building?
I'm building a boat.
You're building a boat?
Look, you got to cover for me.
I don't want anybody to see...
Congressman! There you are!
Congressman Long, I, I, I, I...
Stop stammering, son.
We all play hooky from time to time.
I'm not gonna turn you in to the principal.
Mostly because I am the principal.
What's with the veil?
Did you get your new set of braces?
No, no. No. That's hilarious, though.
Would you drop that thing, son?
I can't understand a word you're saying.
It's a wife thing, sir.
Just trying to spice up the love life.
She's a big Loggins and Messina fan.
Keeping it fresh. Keeping it real.
Would you excuse us for a moment?
The Congressman and I are going to
have a little chat.
Nice, isn't it? Politics is dog-eat-dog,
but if you survive, they give you
a bigger den. Have a seat.
So, tell me, Congressman,
are you freaking out on me or what?
Oh, come on, son. I hand you
your first cosponsor ship of a bill,
and when you finally show up
you look like the fifth Beatle.
Now, you expect me to believe
everything is hunky dory?
Well, sir, actually, things have been
a little more dory.
Of course they are. I get it.
You know anything about animals, son?
The Argentine lake duck has a penis
as long as its body.
Although you probably already know that.
Or have heard it. Not experienced it.
You ever heard of the Arctic white wolf?
Top of the food chain.
It's fast, it's smart, can fend for itself,
but it chooses not to.
It chooses to run with a pack.
And do you know why?
The Arctic white wolf,
that it is stronger as part of a group.
Do you know what happens when one of
these wolves decides to fend for itself?
The pack kills the loner
for the greater good of the community.
Ouch, that hurts.
Are you familiar with Jim Jenkins,
the junior congressman from Tennessee?
When I met Congressman Jenkins,
he was fresh off the turnip truck,
but now he's sitting on his own committee.
Congressman Jenkins, Congressman
Whitehall, Congressman Freeman,
they all have committee chairs
because they all run with the pack.
Now, you have to come to a decision.
Are you gonna run with the pack
or are you gonna lone wolf it?
I am a pack man, sir.
Good. I'm introducing the CINPLAN bill
in 2 weeks. C-SPAN is covering it live.
I want your full support and nothing else.
Those fish are on you like bait on a hook.
Birds follow you.
Fish follow you.
Let's see if we can get
some congressmen to follow you.
Let's get this bill passed,
shall we, Congressman?
Hey, fleabag, out of the way.
Hey, Dad, I think there are more
animals than yesterday.
Well, let's not keep
our audience waiting, shall we?
Up, up. Push it up. Push it.
We got it. We got it. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Come on. Just let it go, just let it go.
Dad, we can do this,
but we're gonna need some help.
I know. We just need something
to lift those beams.
RYAN: Holy moly!
RYAN: This is so totally awesome!
JORDAN: This is perfect.
DYLAN: Dad, there's a note.
Let me see that.
How does it work?
RYAN: Dad, this is really weird.
Repeat after me, "We are hamsters!"
BOTH: We are hamsters!
BOTH: Leg power!
And it's in!
Hey, who has opposable thumbs? Anybody?
You want to try this one?
Make sure it's straight.
RYAN: This is awesome!
JORDAN: This is so cool.
EVAN: Here we go.
RYAN: Oh, my God!
Yeah. Gotta do the dance.
Come on, let's do the dance.
We're doing the dance.
JORDAN: Dylan, come on. Do the dance.
EVAN: Come on, do the dance.
DYLAN: I'm not doing the dance.
Stop it. Come here.
EVAN: Insult to injury! My!
Okay, guys. A little bit more.
Here we go. I got it. Keep it... That's it!
EVAN: You guys all right?
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Well, I hope this isn't our last supper.
MAN ON TV:
There's no sign of our heat wave breaking,
so this dry, hot weather will continue.
GOD: Until September 22, midday.
If the ark isn't finished by then, you will be.
Is that when it's going to happen?
September 22, midday?
MAN OVER TV: High temperatures tomorrow
back into the 90s everywhere,
right on through Tuesday
and the next seven days,
no showers, no storms.
That would be a good day to have chicken.
How about Mom's chicken? Huh?
Hon, could we have some more chicken
September 22, midday?
Boys, will you excuse us, please?
Your father and I need to have a little talk.
RYAN: Dad, you're busted.
Yeah, I know.
What are you doing?
Do we have anything unleavened?
Yeah, we do, it's in the back,
next to the frankincense and myrrh.
We have a fancy name for it in this century,
it's called pita.
Evan, what is happening to you?
Don't! No! Just put it down! Look at you.
The hair. Are you on something?
Is it a mega-growth hormone? What?
Evan, talk to me.
I'm building an ark.
What does that mean?
God appeared to me
and told me to build an ark.
He said there was going to be a flood
and that I should be prepared.
Whenever I shave,
my beard grows right back out.
My hair grows longer every day.
This robe... God sent me the robe.
He thought it would be funny.
I actually think it's really comfortable.
That's why I'm wearing it.
The beard, the robe.
Yeah, kind of.
Not now, Noah!
We left everything behind to come here.
Maybe that's put too much pressure on you.
I don't know.
But this has got to stop.
Please. You're scaring me.
The boys need their father back,
and I need my husband back.
(SHARP DRESSED MAN PLAYING)
Yes. Successful. Powerful.
Successful. Powerful. Handsome. Happy.
Cold today, huh?
"Back to work"?
Okay. All right. You want me
to wear the robe? I'll wear the robe.
Two can play this game.
Ha, ha, ha!
Piece de resistance.
The student has become the teacher.
This meeting will come to order.
Rita, any sign of him?
Marty, I told you,
I will let you know as soon as...
You know what? You got me. He's here.
We're in the middle of a yoga class.
Rita, this is no time for jokes.
I'm not kidding.
If he's not in that meeting,
we're all out of a job.
Wait a minute.
Let me finish my sun salutation.
Marty! Sorry I'm late. Come on, let's go.
What is that?
Making lemonade out of lemons.
Pick up your phone! Come on!
LONG: At its heart,
this bill gives private citizens access
to lands they technically already own.
Will the Chairman yield?
Oh, look, there he is.
Yup, yup, I see him.
Access is just a word you're using
to hide what's really going on here.
This is about development,
short and simple.
Evan, what are you doing?
You have a pony tail on your face!
What you gonna do next?
Cornrow your eyebrows?
the advancement of jobs,
an increase in domestic commerce.
If you happen to like those things,
I invite you to join myself and
my cosponsors, Congressman Dodd,
and Congressman Baxter.
Did you just do a wardrobe change?
What do you think this is, the Oscars?
You are not Whoopi.
LONG: Ladies and gentlemen! Please!
Please! Congressman Baxter has a tendency
to embrace the theatrical
in his support of this bill.
Congressman, let me warn you,
you are approximately 10 seconds away
from committee censure.
Oh, no. Hey, would anyone mind
if I close the window?
LONG: Ladies and gentlemen! Please!
These animals are trained!
I've seen this circus act before!
Congressman, I'm sure St. Francis
would be envious.
We, however, are not.
You have five seconds.
You march yourself and your
little animal troupe out of here now
or you will be forcibly removed.
I'm afraid I can't do that, sir.
These animals are not trained.
I think they want me to save them!
Save them from what, Congressman?
Saving the animals, okay.
I can roll with that. That's a good idea.
A flood? Rolling out.
CONGRESSPERSON: The flood.
This has been the hottest,
driest summer on record
and you say we're going to have a flood?
When might we expect this?
September 22, midday.
That's what I was told.
Might I ask who told you?
Not in front of all those people.
Don't say it. Don't say it.
God? You talk to God?
LONG: And God is talking back?
Yeah. We hung out a little.
Well, time to update the resume.
Congressman, your name is being
removed from this bill.
Obviously, the stresses of this office
have proven too much for you.
Please have the congressman removed.
No. Please! You don't understand!
God commanded me to build an ark!
It's going to rain!
There's going to be a flood!
Remove him now!
We have to prepare ourselves!
I need to finish the ark!
Remove him now!
Does this mean we're moving back home?
Home, Canada. One or the other.
Joan? I know you probably saw
what happened, but I can explain.
Take the stuff to the car, guys.
I'll be there in a minute.
I'm gonna take them to my mother's.
Evan, I think you need help.
Joan, please. I'm not doing this.
It's not me. It's him.
I went to that meeting in a suit,
and he took it off of me.
Those animals are following me
because of him.
God? Does God know
he's destroying our lives?
Does God know he's going to get you fired?
Yeah! He's trying to get me fired!
He is trying to get me fired!
That way I'll have more time
to work on the ark!
Because the rain and the floods are coming.
No, I heard you, Evan.
The whole world heard you.
Joan, please, you gotta believe me.
There it is! It's happening!
It's happening! It's raining!
I know! I know. Whatever you do,
you do because you love me!
Do me a favor. Love me less.
WOMAN: Are you concerned at all
about Congressman Baxter's tirade
and the adverse effects
it may have on your bill?
The day it rains and floods and
Congressman Baxter takes a ride on his ark,
that'll be the day
I'll be concerned. Thank you.
(WAITING ON THE WORLD
TO CHANGE PLAYING)
His name is Evan Baxter,
but now he goes by "New York's Noah,"
"The Weirdo with a Beardo."
Okay, guys. Watch it. Watch it.
Coming through. Watch your back.
Marty, will you comment on Congressman
Baxter's change of appearance?
Yes, his hair is long.
Yes, his beard is unshaven.
Are you equally stunned
by this man's appearance?
The way things go around here,
if he gets any crazier,
we may end up in the White House.
(REPORTER SPEAKING SPANISH)
Hey! No, no, no! That's my cup!
He's filling the boat with
two of every kind of animal.
Still to be collected,
two giraffes, two elephants
and one more jackass.
What an idiot.
He's a mook.
Don't worry about it, you guys.
Come on, eat up.
Yeah, me neither.
You guys can't eat. I can't stop.
Can I go to the bathroom?
Okay. Dylan, go with them. Please?
Excuse me. Can I get a refill, please?
Coming right up.
Excuse me. Are you all right?
No. It's a long story.
Well, I like stories.
I'm considered a bit of a storyteller myself.
Have you heard of "New York's Noah"?
The guy who's building the ark.
I love that story, Noah and the Ark.
You know, a lot of people miss
the point of that story.
They think it's about God's wrath and anger.
They love it when God gets angry.
What is the story about, then? The ark?
Well, I think it's a love story
about believing in each other.
You know, the animals showed up in pairs.
They stood by each other, side by side,
just like Noah and his family.
Everybody entered the ark side by side.
But my husband says God told him to do it.
What do you do with that?
Sounds like an opportunity.
Let me ask you something.
If someone prays for patience,
you think God gives them patience?
Or does he give them
the opportunity to be patient?
If they pray for courage,
does God give them courage,
or does he give them opportunities
to be courageous?
If someone prayed
for their family to be closer,
you think God zaps them
with warm, fuzzy feelings?
Or does he give them opportunities
to love each other?
Well, I got to run.
A lot of people to serve. Enjoy.
JON: Guess this comes as no surprise to
those who remember his campaign promise,
"I will lower taxes,
"go crazy and build a gigantic ark."
JOAN: Oh, my gosh.
You guys, I'm up here.
JORDAN: You look really funny.
You look really old.
Yeah, well, he is really old.
Why'd you come back?
It was the kids.
Tell him, guys.
We like you better as the crazy guy.
You spend time with us
and you're home a lot more.
Just, please don't make us do
the dance anymore.
I don't know what's going on,
or what you're going through,
but we got into this as a family
and we're gonna get out of it as a family,
side by side.
But, Evan, we have to talk about the ark.
It has to come down.
I can't do that.
You don't have a choice.
JOAN: Congressman Long went to the city.
There's a laundry list of code violations.
You have until September to take it down,
or they'll take it down and arrest you.
September 22. That's the day of the flood.
Mom! Dad! Come here!
Don't you dare take that ark down.
How are we gonna do this?
There's no way the five
of us can finish on time.
We don't have money to hire anybody else.
Is that a llama with a hammer?
An alpaca. They rarely spit at people
unless frightened or abused.
Let's finish this sucker.
(READY FOR A MIRACLE PLAYING)
Come on, let's go.
WOMAN: No one knows
where they came from
or how the congressman
is getting them to do it,
but, two by two, animals of all kinds
are working with Godspeed to build this ark.
If this flood really does happen,
"Evan help us."
Hey! A little help?
JOAN: Here it is, hon.
Hold it right there.
This is Ed Carson coming to you
live from New York Noah's construction site,
where we are unable to leave the news van
due to hazardous conditions outside.
Hey, putty tat.
Go, go, go! He tried to eat me!
Dylan! Jordan! Check it out!
Your mom's building an ark!
Let's do the dance.
JOAN: No, please, No.
WOMAN 1: Well, where did
the animals come from, then?
WOMAN 2: Please. It's a trick.
WOMAN 3: It's a circus is what it is.
Wild animals running amok
in suburban Virginia.
With all these species,
what's being done about the feces?
Evan Baxter! You have gone from newsman
to congressman to caveman.
What makes you so sure God chose you?
He chose all of us.
Time to wash up, you guys.
You want some?
RITA: Why couldn't the man
just buy a Corvette?
Well, well, well. There they are.
It is good to see you guys.
It's good to see you! Your hair looks great.
It's very regal. Man, I love your hair!
And you're still sucking up.
So, why are you here?
Long locked us out.
He can't do that.
I mean, I've been suspended,
but I'm still a congressman.
Rita, tell him what you know.
Tell me what?
I smelled a rat the second
we got that office.
You don't get an office
like that for nothing.
So I had the stalker here
do some research.
Okay, Eugene, talk.
Prestige Crest used to be federal lands,
but what's interesting is
how it got into private hands.
Congressman Long got the approval
to build a dam
and then passed out the surrounding lands
to a group of private investors.
Now, the locals fought this thing for years.
They said Long and his developer buddies
were cutting corners,
like skipping important
building code checkpoints.
And with the land use bill, he's gonna do
the same thing with the national parks.
So, you stand by and shake your pom-poms
while Long and his buddies get rich.
What can we do? I'm suspended.
Go back to the Hill and show them
that you can and will fight this bill.
You guys, I'm sorry. I can't do that.
I have to get back to the ark.
The ark? All right. Okay.
God told you to build an ark?
But did he tell you to make your friends
believe in you and follow you here
so you can make us look stupid?
'Cause I go to church every Sunday.
Okay, every other Sunday.
I've been to church!
And that does not sound
like God to me.
Rita, I know that this
doesn't make any sense.
I just want you to trust me.
You just have to have faith.
Evan, faith will not fight this bill.
The CINPLAN vote is today!
If we're going to stop this thing,
you need to get down to Capitol Hill now!
Otherwise, it's impossible!
Dad, Dad, I think it's done.
What in the world?
I can't even get my cat to
use the litter box.
It's September 22, and
we're all still here.
People! The flood is imminent!
Board the ark! Save yourselves!
MAN: Get down, you fool!
Listen to me!
The time has come!
No, Captain Ahab!
Your time has come!
Yeah, Baxter! The weather's 70 and sunny
with a chance of crazy!
Do you hear that?
The rains are upon us!
Dad, I don't think that's the rains.
MAN: Hey, Baxter! Kiss your ark goodbye!
Where is he?
On the boat, sir.
Give me a minute.
Lets see if I can convince "Noah"
that the world doesn't have to end today.
I gotta hand it to you,
this is quite the show.
According to my source,
the show hasn't even started yet.
Still expecting the big flood.
You know, voters don't respond
to the gloom and doom stuff.
They like a more positive message.
Like the one you're sending with your bill?
How much did you make off of all this land?
You are destroying
our national parks for profit.
You have a problem with somebody
taking a little profit?
It's called business, son.
So if I need to get a message out there,
or get a congressman elected
there are people who pay for it, and yes,
those people want this bill to happen
and, by God, it's gonna happen.
Now you look down there.
Those are the wolves, son.
I'm gonna give you one last chance.
Take down this boat.
I'm giving you one last chance. Repent.
Such a shame. You had possibilities.
But you want to stop progress
to save the Earth. Go for it.
Good luck getting a tree
to come to the polls.
Take it down.
This is a court order approving
the demolition of this boat!
You have three minutes!
Honey. We have to go.
They're going to destroy the boat.
It can't end this way.
Is it too much to ask
for a little precipitation?
Honey, maybe God didn't mean
a literal flood.
Maybe he meant a flood of knowledge
or emotion or awareness.
If that's true,
I am going to be so pissed.
Get off the boat now
or you will be removed by force.
Evan, you did it. You built the ark.
That's all you were asked to do, right?
There's something else.
Something's going to happen.
I can feel it.
Yeah, what's gonna happen is
tear gas and a wrecking ball.
Evan, think of the kids.
Dad, whatever you say, I'm with you.
Yeah, me, too.
Me, too. But can we keep
some of the animals?
I like the alpaca. He spits.
You're right. We did it. We built the boat.
Let's go. Let's go, guys. Come on.
EVAN: Well, I guess they don't want to go.
It's their instinct.
What do you mean, hon?
Some animals know when weather's coming.
When they feel it coming, they sit.
Okay. Time's up! We're coming in!
Get that ball in position!
We're clearing them out!
Is that rain?
Lucky guess, Baxter. Lucky guess.
Looks like the drought's finally over.
Good news, eh, Congressman?
Yeah. Good news.
Everybody! Please! Get on the ark!
Go to the car!
Please! Everyone! On the ark!
Cover me up! Keep me dry!
Cover me up! Keep me dry!
Who's crazy now, huh?
Look at us all squishing!
It kind of stopped raining.
Is that it?
What did I tell you? It's fine. It's over.
Hey, Ahab! This is it?
Your God experiencing
a little water shortage?
It would appear Evan Baxter
was right about the rain,
with a slight miscalculation
as to the quantity.
Honey, the clouds are moving away.
No, no. No, this isn't right.
Evan, even if it kept raining,
it's not like it could cause a flood in a day.
But today is the day! It has to be.
This just doesn't make any sense!
Wait a second.
What is it?
Marty said that Long cut corners,
violated building codes.
What are you talking about?
The lake, Long Lake.
It's named after him.
It's the lake! It's the lake!
Get on the ark!
Everyone, on the ark now!
I think we should get on the ark.
I agree. I think we should get on the ark also.
I'm cold. I'm wet. I'm going home.
Ladies first! Move!
Oh, my God. This is happening.
This is really happening.
Holy... Get everyone on the ark now!
Get on the ark now! Let's go!
Get on the ark! Let's go!
Go, go, go! Get on the ark!
Go, go, go! On the ark! Go, go, go!
All right, boys! Let's go! Let's go!
We're gonna need a bigger boat.
Stay here with the kids.
Come on, Rita!
Everyone, up the ramp! Onto the deck!
Come on! Hurry, hurry, hurry!
Dylan, get back inside! It's too dangerous.
No, Dad. I told you, I'm with you.
EVAN: Careful, everyone.
In the ark! In the ark!
Watch your step!
Up the ramp, everybody!
Guys, help me with the door!
Get the door! Get the door!
Everybody hang on!
You guys all right? You okay?
MAN OVER TV:
There's been a flood at Prestige Crest
and you're seeing live images
of New York Noah's ark
caught in the storm surge
and heading towards Memorial Bridge!
WOMAN: We're going to crash!
MAN: Turn this thing around!
MAN 2: We're not gonna make it!
MAN 3: Save us, Baxter!
I command thee halt! Stop! Whoa!
WOMAN: It's not working!
How about a little help here?
What do you mean there was water damage?
It rained for ten minutes.
That is not possible.
I love you guys.
Okay, I got it.
I love you.
LONG: All those in favor of the Public Land
Act, please signify by saying, "Aye."
I think we can walk from here.
Mind if I park my boat here for a little while?
The dam, Congressman.
Your reservoir ruptured.
Prestige Crest, it's all gone.
No. They said that couldn't happen.
I never thought this...
You. You did this to me.
You set me up, you crazy son of a...
Wow. That is disgusting.
If that comes out your front,
I don't even want to know
what's coming out the back.
Don't look down, Congressman,
but the wolves are here,
although I wouldn't worry so much
about these wolves as those.
MAN 1: As you can see behind me,
New York Noah's prediction came true.
WOMAN: The vote of the Land Act Bill
has been suspended,
pending investigation of
Congressman Long for profiteering...
MAN 2: Of course now, the question is,
how will these animals be returned
to their natural habitats?
Something tells me, if God got them here,
he can probably get them home.
WOMAN 2: The House will undoubtedly
reinstate Congressman Baxter
when it reconvenes in the morning.
Until then, there is a lot to be done
here on Capitol Hill.
JORDAN: How's Buster doing?
EVAN: Come on, Buster.
JOAN: No, come on. Come on!
RYAN: Come on!
EVAN: These too heavy? It's all right?
JORDAN: No, it's fine.
RYAN: He can't keep up.
I know, sweetie!
All right. What do you say
we take a little break?
We've only been walking
for, like, five minutes, Dad.
Well, five on, five off.
Life is about balance, right?
How about some sandwiches?
Who wants sandwiches?
Let's do it!
RYAN: I get first dibs!
Everyone but Buster
is going to get a sandwich.
You do not get a sandwich!
You're a dog and you do
not get a sandwich!
Buster is part of the family now.
You're just gonna have to get used to it.
Honey, come here.
Sweetheart, be careful. Come here.
Hey, hon, save me one, okay?
I'll be right back.
What are you doing here?
Just hanging out with some old friends.
You knew all along, didn't you?
You knew the dam was unstable.
If it hadn't been for the ark,
my family, the neighbors...
I fought you every step of the way.
Yes, but you did it.
So, you had nothing to do with the flood?
Like where the ark landed exactly?
I gave you a little shove at the end.
You did good, son.
You changed the world.
No, no, I didn't.
Well, let's see.
Spending time with your family,
making them very happy.
Gave that dog a home.
How do we change the world?
One act of random kindness at a time.
One act of random kindness.
Do the dance.
Care to join me?
I now issue a new commandment,
"Thou shalt do the dance."
(GONNA MAKE YOU SWEAT,
EVERYBODY DANCE NOW PLAYING)
Stop it! This is stupid!
That's awful dancing! You better stop!
MAN 1: Ladies and gentlemen,
you don't have to go home.
You just have to go. We are wrapped.
MAN 2: We're wrapped.
We love you. Thank you.
(READY FOR A MIRACLE PLAYING)