License To Wed Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the License To Wed script is here for all you fans of the John Krasinski and Robin Williams movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some License To Wed quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

License To Wed Script



Bouquet? Bouquet.

Beautiful, isn't it?

But let me tell you the truth.

For a lot of people, marriage is like
sticking your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

It looks like fun when you see
friends doing it, so you say:

"Hey, I'll give it a try.
Just once."

Next thing you know, you're stuck.

Full of regret.

Praying, "Please get me
out of this with my dignity...

...if least not my extremities, intact."

But it doesn't have to be
like that, my friends.

It does not have to be like that.

That's where I come in.

Good marriages are my business.

Meeting the right person
in the first place?

Well, my friends,
that is up to you.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- I'll go.
- Yeah, you go. Okay.

- Hi. I'm Sadie.
- Hi. Ben.

From that first, destined meeting...

... to the sweet innocence
of the first date.

- Are you skipping to second base?
- What's that? No.

You know why? I'm not a skipper.

Maybe we should take care of first base,
just to make things right.

The first kiss.

The first time you say "I love you."

- I love you.
- What?

What? A view.
What a view.

First time you say "I love you,"
and she actually hears you.

I love you.

- I'm afraid you're not my type.
- I love you too.

You seriously didn't think I was
gonna let you see that?

Let's skip to the next thing:
moving in together.

The first time she finds something
you don't want her to see.

- Don't worry, I got the heavy ones.
- "Dear Mr. Brian Boitano."

- Oh, God!
- "Congratulations on your triple Axel.

I wonder how much
you practice every week...

...and also how you make your hair
stay like that."

Hey, he was a legend. Okay?

I mean, even at age 9 I knew that.

I'm gonna get a less embarrassing box.

If she doesn't dump your
wussy ass after that...

...then comes the big one: the proposal.

Sadie...'re a great girl. You are.

And I think it's time that
you and I were man and...

Lame. That is so lame.

We are so pleased all of you
could be here with us today... celebrate our 30 years of marriage.



It is especially gratifying to be
surrounded by such good friends...

...and family...

...and of course,
our two beautiful daughters...


...and Lindsey...

...who has moved back home with us... try and make a new start for herself.

We are... thrilled with her perseverance.

Thank you for the support, Dad.

And then there's Carlisle, Sadie's best
friend, who used to take baths with Sadie...

- What?
- What?

...when they were younger,
and pretend he was a submarine captain.

I destroyed all the photos.
I promise you.

- Thank you.
Very good to know. Thanks.
- Wait, what?

And our good friends,
Don and Gwen...


...Jerry, Otis.


...what about...

- What about Ben?
- Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, and of course, there's
Sadie's affable boyfriend, Ben.

But what I really want to do... thank my beautiful wife...

...without whom this life
would mean nothing.

Happy 30th anniversary.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

And I hope there are 30 more.

Well, that makes one of us.

Excuse me.
Could I have everyone's attention, please?

I just wanted to...

Well, I thought since
everyone was gathered...

...gathered already...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

- Sadie...
- Oh, my God, oh, my God.

...Wilhelmina Jones.

In front of God and your family...

...Kwan-Li, and Jerry and Otis and...

I just want to know...

...if you would spend the rest
of your life with me.

But I don't...

I don't want to put you
on the spot or anything.

Benjamin Murphy, I would marry you
tomorrow in a potato-sack dress... the middle of a rainstorm, if it meant
I could spend the rest of my life with you.

Wait a second.

You choose our 30th wedding anniversary
to propose to my daughter?


...we couldn't be happier.

Oh, my gosh.

I know.

New brother-in-law-to-be, I guess.

- Oh, man. Hey, hello.
- Awkward.

- Welcome.
- Thank you.

- Welcome to the family, Ben.
- Sir. All right!

- Oh, my baby.
- Oh, honey, I'm so happy for you.

Look at this beautiful ring.

Sadie, Sadie, I was thinking...

I think we should have the wedding
somewhere tropical. I was thinking, like...

...the Caribbean.

I have this one thing.


I always wanted
to get married here.

What do you mean?

At Saint Augustine's.

It's this fantasy I've had
since I was a little girl.

It's the church where
John and I married.

Where Sadie was christened by
Reverend Frank, who's known us forever.

More importantly, it's the church
Sadie's grandfather built.

Her dead grandfather.

Oh, give me a break.
All he built was a door after it was stolen.

How would you know?
You weren't married there.

And we all know
how that marriage turned out.


- Stop.
- Here, here, here, here.

Babe, you've made me so
unbelievably happy today.

You have no idea.

- Great.
- Yeah.

Then Saint Augustine's... the decision.
- Thank you, I love you.

- You ready?
- I'm missing a shoe.

- Well, where did you last see it?
- I don't know.

You know, Ben,
your sweater's actually inside out?

Gotta fix that.

What would you do without me?

You want the short list or the long list?

Oh, and your belt?

- It's a little funny.
- No, my belt's fine.

Wait a minute.

- We're gonna be really late.
- No, we're not.

Yeah, we are.

And your point is?

How do I look?

- You look like you've just been...
- All right, never mind.

We're so going to hell, you know that?

- Hey, here's the door Grandpa built.
- Wow, he does really good work.

Don't touch that!

Jesus! You scared me.

Jesus didn't scare you, I did.

- Hi, I'm Sadie...
- Sadie Jones. Yes, I know.

You have a 10:30 with Reverend Frank.

Yeah. Is he here?

Reverend Frank is everywhere.

Follow me.

"Dear ELLE magazine:

I just found out that my husband
of three months... cheating on me with my best friend.

Half of me wants to kill him, the other
half wants to salvage my marriage.

What to do?"


What kind of sins are we
dealing with here, guys?

- Sarah.
- Thou shall not commit adultery?

Adultery. Going out for milk
when you have jugs at home.

Show me adultery!

Not neat to cheat! Okay!

Now, a lot of people ask me:

"What if I'm cheating with a woman
who's really, really ugly?

Does that make it all right?"

No, it does not make it all right.
It is still a sin.

What other sins? Anybody?

Don't hesitate to draw on
your parents' bad examples.

- Laurie. Bring it, girl.
- Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife.

Starts with coveting, ends with the clap.

Okay, coveting thy neighbor's wife.

That's why God invented
the cold shower. Show me coveting!

Good one, Laurie!

Okay, there's one answer left on the board.
Let's see.


Make your two moms proud.

Come on, Manny,
you can murder this one.

While I'm waiting, maybe I'll just
fashion a shiv out of Cindy's barrette.

Take a stab at it.

Thou shall not kill?

Boom, Manny!
Bang, bang, bang!

Show me thou shall not kill!

Oh, good one, Manny!
Manny, Manny, Manny.

That's it for today.

Next we're gonna take
a trip to Arlington Park.

We're gonna find out about
the evils of gambling firsthand.

So bring at least a dollar...

...and remember to ask Mom and Dad
what a trifecta is.

I don't know if you remember me,
Reverend Frank, but...

Sadie Jones?

Little Sadie Jones.

- How you've grown.
- Well, yeah.

And now my Sadie Jones
is gonna tie the knot.

I am.

I'm sorry I haven't been around
for the last...

Ten years.


I've just been trying to get
my business...

Oh, please.

You go to college,
you have a bisexual roommate... forget about God.
Don't sweat it.

He doesn't forget about you.

Who are you?

I'm Ben.

- Ben.
- Hi.

So, what do you do,
besides little Sadie here?

How are you?

All right, let's get the flock out of here.
Come on.

So, how long you two been an item?

- About...
- Like...


It's been teetering there for weeks.

- Cheesy Curl?
- No, thank you.

Too bad, they're addicting.

- Booked.
- Booked. Booked.

Nothing there or there.

I am popular.

Yes, you are.

All full. Not looking good. No.

No, no, no.

- Nope, nope, nope.
- Booked, booked, booked.

Bad news, guys.

- Next available date is in two years.
- Two years?

That's... long.
- Yeah.


- Hold on, hold on.
- Wasn't there a cancellation?

- I think it's...
- There, there!

Yes, there it is.

Three weeks from tomorrow, how is that?

That's a little quick.
Right? I mean...

Okay, I guess we're getting married
in three weeks.


- Just like that?
- Yeah.

- So it is written, so it shall be done.
- So it shall be done.

Oh, boy.

All right.

One small thing.

Couple years ago I instituted
a marriage preparation course here.

The course is a prerequisite
for all marriage ceremonies...

...performed on these grounds.

At the end of the course,
if I feel you're unprepared...

...or you stop the course before completion,
I have the right to call off the wedding.

I'm sorry, but this isn't mandatory, right?
Because we're so ready to get married.

- More than most.
- We strongly advise it.

In other words, you have no choice.

With the divorce rate what it is...

50 percent.

Much higher for those
who live together first.

You did say you lived together, right?

I'm sorry, who are you again?

I'm part of the Ministers
of Tomorrow program.

Reverend Frank's my mentor.

My little Mensa.

- I can see.
- Listen, kids.

We wanna make sure you
are making the right decision...

...because your future happiness
depends on it.

Reverend Frank has a hundred
percent success...

...for those that make it
through the course.

- But what about the people who...?
- Okay, we'll do it.

- We're gonna do it.
- We're doing that?

- It's awesome.
- We're doing this.

That's my Sadie.

All right, we have three months of prep
to cram into three weeks.

There's only a few rules.

Rule number one:
you each have to write your own vows.

You have a booklet,
and you share these vows...

...with each other at the ceremony.

- That's really cool.
- Isn't it?

Okay. What's rule number two?

Starting immediately,
no sex until the honeymoon.


Are you serious?

Oh, yeah.

Tomorrow morning,
bright and early.

Be there.

We all remember the 11 th Commandment.

I don't.

Thou shall not be late.

We've got a hundred things
to start, but it's doable.

I just have to get Carlisle on the phone.

- He was kidding about the no-sex thing?
- Carlisle? It's me. Get ready for this.

- We will talk about the no-sex thing later.
- Okay, Ben.

No sex?

That's supposed to happen
after you get married.

Joel, I come here...

...for your compassion.
- I'm just giving you shit.

You are going to love marriage.

Damn it, Joel.
What is wrong with you?

You were supposed to be
watching them.

Shelly, baby, I'm on the roof.

Remember we said you won't
bother me when I'm on the roof?

- You're always on the roof.
- Exactly.

- I heard that.
- Yeah.

Where did this mud hole
even come from?

Oh, my God,
I am so getting my tubes tied.

This reverend says he wants me to meet
him after church tomorrow one-on-one.

What is that?

You ever done that?
The marriage prep stuff?

To tell you the truth, I don't remember
anything before D-day, man.

It's like a black hole.

All I know is that's my wife...

...apparently those are my kids...

...and this, this is my beer.

Everything else is pretty much a blur.


Thank you.

That's why you're my best man.

Two words for your bachelor party:

Strippers and Sizzler.

I like to call it "beef and booty."

I heard that.

Oh, boy.

Please, God, let somebody
be later than us.

Hey. We'll just sneak in the back,
no one will notice.

We also ask...

...that you watch over the Mansbridge
meat packers and their labor dispute.

Grant our packers patience
as they await an amicable resolution...

...with, Lord willing,
a four to six percent pay increase...

...and dental would be nice.

Look who decided to show.

Choir! Let me hear it!

You're late, you're late
You're late, you're late

God's on time

But you are very late

It's your first offense.
We'll let it slide.

It happens again, I'm telling the Big Guy.

And I'm not talking about
Larry Carmichael over there on drums.

But seriously...

...let us re-pray.

Sorry for bailing, Lord.
A brief interruption, but we're back.

We'd also like to pray for Walter...

...recently returned from his
holiday in Thailand.

Let's hope it's just a heat rash.

- Vivian.
- I don't know how you do it, Frank.

Every week your sermons
get better and better.

It comes from upstairs, Vivian.
I'm just the TiVo.

It wasn't that good.

- You ready?
- Yeah.

I have to go. I have stuff to do...

...but you guys enjoy
your man-talk, okay?

Don't say anything about me
behind my back.

You'll never know so...


- Sorry?
- The car.

- Hi.
- Bye.

You ready? A little one-on-one?

- Yeah.
- Come on. Let's go.

The name of our team is the Crusaders.

I didn't want to tell the kids about the
Children's Crusades, it bums them out.

Wow, you really meant one-on-one.

Oh, yeah.

- A little hoops?
- No.

This ball needs Viagra.

- Play catch?
- Sure, love catch.

It's my favorite sport.

Pardon the glove.
We've had a few budget cutbacks.

- Oh, that's all right.
- Back up.


What are you, a little girl's softball league?
Back up.

Okay. Not a little girl.

- Yeah.
- All right.

It's nice to be able to chat with you...

...without all this "I'm a pastor
who can send you to hell" nonsense.

No, me too. This is great.

Little one-on-one time
with your spiritual elder.

Bless you, Benjamin.

- Too hard?
- No. That's a...

That's a good burn. Right?

Anything that's painful
makes you stronger.

Not really. You break your leg,
your leg doesn't get stronger.

God is just, but God is kind.

That's a nice sentiment.

Thank you.
Can I ask you something?

- Sure.
- Sadie.

Why do you love her?

There's just so many reasons, you know?

She's beautiful, inside and out.

So, I'm lucky.

What do you mean by "inside"?

You meant spiritually, right?

Yep. Exactly.

Okay. What else?

She's just smart, you know?
She's motivated, she's well-organized.

She's probably
the hardest worker I know.

Well, let me get this straight, then.
Correct me if I'm wrong.

First thing you like about her is her looks.
But you really think...

...she's a cute control freak.
- I didn't say that.

- I know what you're getting at.
- "Organized" is code for OCD.

OCD is a...


Oh, my Lord.

- You okay, big fella?
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

- How you doing...
- Totally fine.

Let's see that. Come on.
Oh, no. That's bad.

I'm gonna have to heal you.

- No, that's okay.
- No. I'm gonna have to heal you.

- I just need Advil.
- It's healing time. Stay down.

Stay down. It's healing time.

- What's that mean?
- Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, Lord, surround him
with your light and grace.

Lord have mercy!

- The power of Christ compels you!
- Lord have mercy.

The power of Christ compels you!

- We have got to pray!
- Pray!

- We have got to pray!
- Pray!

We have got to pray to make it
through the day!

Is that MC Hammer?

- You're healed, right?
- Let me see. Let me see.

- No, it's still bleeding.
- Let's go old school.

Begone, demon spirit!


- That's not helping at all.
- Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Lord, take him up upon your wing...

- Wait, take me where?
- lf you believed, you'd be healed.

- Do you believe?
- Believe!

- Believe!
- I'm healed, I'm healed, I'm healed.

- Oh, it's a miracle! It's a miracle!
- It is. It is.

You're not healed.
I'm not a doctor, I'm a pastor.

You know what you need?
Advil and ice. Come on.

- Check him out, just see that he's okay.
- The nasal septum and concha are clear.

- Good news, kid. Your nose is fine.
- Yeah, come on. Let me buy you a Coke.

Sorry about that.
You know, I have to try that stuff.

- Never works, but what if it had?
- Yeah.

- Wouldn't that be crazy?
- Crazy.

It was great.

Yes, totally.
Reverend Frank is the best.

Listen, tomorrow night, I was th...

Group counseling for what?

Okay, like we do every week.

Danny, pick up Tenika
and carry her across that threshold.

Yeah, that's it!

Try and think of it like the first time.

For a lot of you,
that wasn't the honeymoon.

Yeah, baby. Come on, Jim.

My back is giving out.

Don't focus on the pain.

Look at the love that
Janine's giving you right now.

And if that doesn't work,
think about potato skins.

God, I love potato skins.

A husband will do anything
for appetizers.


Everybody, I want to introduce you
to two new members.

This is Ben and Sadie.
They're getting married in three weeks.

Ben, why don't you carry Sadie
across the threshold?

Come on.

Come on. Yeah, come on.

Yeah, there you go.
Get across that threshold!


- Oh, great.
- Look.

Got it.


...we learn how to fight fairly.


What if we've never had a fight before?

- Seriously think I'm gonna puke.
- Louise, no puking.

They're young.
They're allowed to be enthusiastic.

Never had a fight,
it's about time you had one.

So please, step up
to the top of the circle.

Come on, get your butts up there!

Let's get this perfect relationship
on its feet.

Put it to the test. Okay.

I want you to imagine.

You're driving in the mountains.
It's nighttime.

But there's a torrential downpour.

That thing with the wipers like this:

You're tired. You're lost.

You're getting cranky.

What was that?

You got a flat tire
because you just hit a pothole.

Instant argument potential.

What do you do? How do you handle it?

I think we'd probably just call AAA.

Out of cell phone range.
Can't use the cell phone. Can't call AAA.

You gotta handle it the old-fashioned way.
You gotta change the tire.

You're pissed at each other. Go.

Sorry I didn't see that pothole.

It's okay, honey.

Accidents happen,
so just be more careful next time.

- Promise I will.
- Cut!

You guys travel medicated?
That was like "Prozac Takes a Vacation."

That's not what we're looking for.

Janine, why don't you and Jimbo show
them how this argument should play out?


Hey, jackass!

I told you to take Route 45,
but again, you didn't listen!

Now it's pissing down outside
and we're stuck God only knows where.

Yeah, well, if we hadn't
left three hours late...

...because someone was talking
to her ball-busting mother on the phone...

...well, then, maybe we wouldn't
be in this position!

You are a sad, sad man.

You will not emasculate me anymore.

- Go to hell!
- No, you go to hell, Janine.

- Go to hell.
- Okay. Cut.

Everybody, Jim and Janine.

We're gonna try something
a little different now.

We're gonna do role reversal.

All right.

Sadie, I want you to be Ben.

Ben, I want you to be Sadie.
Come on. Step up there.

Come on, get up! Yeah!

- Oh, gosh.
- Come on.

You're gonna change the tire.

Ben, tire's down here.

You're down in that muck.
Here's your lug wrench.

The lugs are right here.
But they're tight.

They're rusty, they're old, all right?
You can't get them off and you're angry...

...and you're cold, and you really...
You wanna tear each other apart.


Don't you wish
we were in cell-phone range?

Then we could just call
AAA like we always do.

- Yeah, I don't know how we got so lost.
- I don't either.

Ben, maybe we wouldn't
have gotten lost...

...if you had just followed the TripTik
that I prepared three days in advance.

Well, I thought that I was following
the road signs pretty well.

Just going with the flow, as usual.

What was that?
What was that last thing?

I'm just going along for the ride.

Who was? You. As me.

Well, I'm not really sure
how anything gets done...

...if people aren't following my
very specific instructions, Ben.

But I love it when you're in charge.

That way I don't have to
take too much responsibility, Sadie.

Ben, don't you know that that's the only
way things get done around here?

That's how things get done around here?

I had no idea.

- Thank you.
- Want me to show you?

- He said counter...
- I think I have it under control!

Dear Jesus!

- Potato skins down!
- Jim, Jim...

Come on, everybody!

Five-second rule!


We'll pick up next week...

...with balancing
the joint checking account.

So are you writing your vows later or...?

No, I finished earlier.

Hey, what color white should we
go with for the napkins?

There's ivory...

...and timid.


I don't know, I kind of feel like it might
clash with the pistachio in the centerpieces.

All right, well, you know what?
I'll just ask Carlisle tomorrow.

Yeah, you know who else you could ask?
Reverend Frank.

Because he loves giving his opinion.

Why do you say it like that?

I don't know. Maybe because...

...he's just a little bit...
- Knowledgeable.

- Yeah.
- "Intrusive." I was gonna go with intrusive.

Ben, he's not intrusive, you know?
He's just...

...observing our relationship right now.

- Like a voyeur.
- Reverend Frank is not like a voyeur.

- A little bit.
- No, he's not.

What was that? What are you doing?

Do you want to walk the midget?

Course I do, but...

... I don't think we should, because it's
against the rules until after the wedding.

- Are you serious?
- Yes.

- You're actually following that rule?
- Yeah.

Because I want to pass the course.
Don't you?

- Yes, I want to pass the course.
- So?

So, I also want to play Pickle Me, Tickle Me
with my really hot fiancée.


- Come on.
- What?

No one else is gonna know.

I'll know, Ben. I will know.
So just...

Just please...

...let's stick to the program for now.
Okay? Thank you.

Three weeks never killed anyone.

Has that ever been documented?

Good night.

Good night, Ben.

Okay, I'm a cigar vendor...

- What?
- Go to bed.

Thank you.

What if I'm not tired?


All clear.

- What'd I miss?
- None of your business.

- But they're right on schedule.
- Their optimism is touching.

They remind me of the Anderson couple
we had last month.

Yeah. You know what time it is?

Time to turn up the heat.

It's time to build on the foundation
we've set up.

Remind me never to cross you.

I mean, I'm really glad
we're doing the course.

I just wish Ben would take it
more seriously, you know?

What about these
in my bouquet, Lindsey?



I just want to feel some enthusiasm
from him, or is that expecting too much?

Sadie, you have so much
to learn about men.


Flowers by Sadie, Sadie speaking.

Meet where?

I didn't even want to take this course...

...and now she's following it
to, like, the nth degree.

Where are the cheerleaders?
Shouldn't they be practicing too?

Come on, Famaletti! Deny that baseline!

Coach Murphy, you were right
to put him on B-squad.

- Get ready, Zach.
- Or maybe I'm just overreacting.

I mean, give and take, that's a part of
every healthy relationship.

Give and what?

- Give and take.
- Man, listen to me.

Once a woman senses she has control,
she'll tell a thousand of her friends.

Then they'll want control too.
"I want a little piece of this control stuff."

Next thing you know, they'll be running
companies and having their own offices.

Do not set dangerous precedents
for other men.


Late for what?

Welcome to Saint Catherine's Maternity,
birthplace to over 4000 babies each year.

That's almost 80 babies a week,
and we've never misplaced one.

Okay, maybe one.

If you're shy, get your tubes tied now
and call it a day.

A woman in labor basically
lies around almost naked...

...while dozens of doctors and nurses
get a front row view of her wide open...

Virginia! Put some gloves
on those hands right now!

We're not delivering pizzas here.

Labor could last anywhere from
a few hours to a few days.

And that's not even counting the nine
months of constipation leading up to it.

Of course, there's always drugs... you should figure out how
you feel about that beforehand.

l... Oh, God!

And then be ready to toss
that decision out the window...

...when the pain really kicks in.

A woman in labor
wouldn't even feel that.

Good to know.

Or that.

This way.

You squeamish, Ben?

Little bit, I guess.

You have to figure out if you're
gonna be in the delivery room.

Oh, yeah, of course he will be.


Some men are so traumatized
by the experience...

...they can never look at their wives
the same again.

Sexually, that is.

Give me some slow, deep breaths.

How many do you want to have?

- Four?
- Two?

Big push. Big push.

I need an epidural!

Look at her! She's breathing fine!

What about me?

They say for a man to experience
the equivalent pain...'d have to pull your scrotum
over your head.

That was incredible.

Glad you feel that way.

Because now the real fun begins.

Welcome to the world of parenting.

- They breathe, they blink, they cry.
- And they're all yours.

Congratulations, you've just had twins.

Look at how their little chests
move up and down.

Yeah. Their creepy little chests.

And you really want four of these things?

I think it'd be nice to have
a big family, don't you?

Yeah. No, no, definitely.

Well, I mean...

...four might be kind of
a big commitment.

Okay, do you want to take that?

No, you can do it. Come on.

Just pat him on the back really gently.


Poor little baby.

Little creepy robot baby.

Oh, my God!

- God.
- Hold on.

- Here you go.
- Stop, stop.

Hold on, hold on. There you go.

- There's some on his shirt too.
- Okay.

We can't forget to set the alarm for 8...

...because we're going to Macy's
to register for the wedding.

Wait, we're not bringing these
with us, are we?

Come on, can't we just, like,
phone in our order or something?

No, we're so jammed this week,
tomorrow's the only day we can do it.

Look at that. Fell back asleep.

So I did it.

Looks like this parenting thing
isn't as hard as they say.

See? You're a natural.



Ben? Ben!



Okay, I'm coming.

What? Hi.

How many times do I have to knock, man?
How you doing?

- Good.
- Good morning.

- Shelly's dad fell off a ladder.
- What?

And unfortunately, he's gonna make it.
So we have to go...

...and you are on brat patrol
for a couple hours.

Thank you. Appreciate it.
Thanks a million.


Which one's the biter?

All you have to do is point the gun at
the item you want and then pull the trigger.

The computer instantly logs it in our registry
database for your guests to consider.

There's no limit to how many
items I can choose?

- When in doubt, zap it.
- Great.

We only have a couple hours so...

Chop-chop. Come on.

Okay. All right. Yep.

Guys, guys, guys,
slow down, slow down.

Hey. All right, that's good.

Now we're going faster.
Stop, stop. Hello?

All right, guys. All right.

The yelling needs to hold off. All right.

Hey, Ben, what do you like better?
The blue or the beige?

The beige or the blue?

- I like the blue. Blue's good.
- Beige goes better...

...with the placemats.

Or beige. Let's just do beige.

I love beige.

Beige it is.

- Do you like this one?
- It's great.

- All right, let's get this one.
- Yeah, let's get a couple.

Oh, I just got this text message
from Carlisle.

I got the wrong dinnerware.

- Do you mean silverware? Can we just go?
- No, dinnerware.

- No way. That is not simulated.
- God, that's bad.

Well, why don't you change the diaper...

...and I'll go get the dinnerware?

- Why don't we think about...
- Okay.



Stop! Oh, God!

Stop, stop!

Should we get the 500-thread count?
Ben, can you slow down a little bit?

Oh, I'm trying.

Oh, my God.

Sorry. Ben?

- Give me one, please?
- Will you take that?

I'm gonna give you one.

- I will help you by getting this one thing...
- I'm sorry.

Guys, guys, guys, it's okay.

- Come here. Come on, come on.
- Okay.

Ben, don't drop him!

Here, take the kids. Come on, come on.

Boys, let's go. Come on.

Hi, I'm looking for some Pima cotton
or Egyptian cotton sheets.

Something that really seems to breathe.
I'm sorry.

I can't seem to find them over there
and I have...

Get off the bed.
All right.

Get off the bed.

Enough. Okay, enough.
No, no. Okay. Stop!

No, no, no.
Guys, no, no, no.

Just stop. Sorry.
It's fine. It's just a...


Stop it! Stop, you stupid... Shut up!

Just shut up, shut up, shut up!
Shut up, shut up! Shut it! Shut it!

- Hey! What the hell are you doing?!
- I'm sorry.

Thank God. I've had a long day.

These are fake. Watch. See?

No, no, no, we're on our way.

We just got a little detained at Macy's.
Well, Ben did.

For being a public nuisance.

It's a long story.

Okay. Bye.

Well, I'll tell you...

...l'm a lot more prepared for kids now.

Like way more.

Why are there 56 bras on here?

Pour a glass of that for yourself.
Have a glass.

All right, I got it. This is it.
You, my dear, look amazing.

I can't believe all these cheeses.

I know.
I don't even know which to start with.

- There are so many.
- It's funny. Cheez Whiz or Velveeta.

That's about as complicated
as my cheese dilemmas usually get.

I think I prefer the nutty
Comté Saint-Antoine, which is this one.

- All right, this is it?
- From the Basque region...

...and go.
Gonna change your life.

- Oh, my God. Carlisle.
- Oh, my God. Carlisle. Wait a minute.

Ben, Carlisle's totally right.
I mean, this nutty cheese is the way to go.

It's so good. You have to try it.

- The white one? Good.
- You were right. You recommended it too.

- Hey, everybody.
- Hey!

Every time I hear the word
"cheese us," I'm in.

Praise Gouda.

Look at all of you,
you're all dressed to the nines.

Oh, Lindsey, you look fabulous.

- Oh, thank you.
- How's life after the big D?

That bad, huh?

Men are a little too hard to train so...

Thought I'd stop trying
and live vicariously through Ben's training.

Here I was thinking I was
already housebroken.

Maybe not.

- Cute.
- It's refreshing... honest you are.
It doesn't happen...

...that easily for a lot of in-laws.
- Really?

Because I feel like we all
get along really well.

You know what, Ben is a wonderful
addition to this family.

Wow, thank you.

There's a little awkwardness...

...but nothing more
than just new family stuff.

You know a great way around
new family awkwardness?

- Word association.
- Excuse me?

It's fun, really. You go around the table...

...and you pick one word that best
describes each in-law...

...then they pick one word
that describes you.

- A give and take, kind of an icebreaker...
- I think it sounds so fun. I love games.

That's the spirit, Grandma.

Ben, start with Grandma.

One word to describe Grandma.

That word would be...



Grandma. What about Ben?

Peculiar for his age.

Let's just try and stick with one word.

- I'd just say peculiar.
- Okay.

We have a winner.
Game over. I think.

- No, no, come on. What about Lindsey?
- I don't wanna do it.

Don't think.
What's the first word comes to your mind?

Go for it.


- Are you kidding me?
- Golden.

No, gold. No, like you exude gold.
Not dumb, though.

- I didn't say dumb.
- You didn't say dumb. You said blond.

Okay. Blond Lindsey.

Oh, my tur... Okay, awesome!
Yes, okay, so...


If you need someone to take the bull
by the horns, Ben's your guy.

That's a good one.
Not that good.

I mean, she's laughing a little
too hard for it, but good joke.

This is terrific.
See how you're breaking the ice?

There's something new happening now.
Take a shot at Dad.

- There we go.
- Sadie's dad is...

He's outgoing.

- Outgoing, like saying "nice."
- That's very fitting.

You're not shedding any light.

- Come on, you can do better than this.
- Yes.

- Let it rip.
- No, no, no.

- No, don't push me. I'm not gonna...
- He's asking, Ben.

- Go, come on.
- All right.

What about pompous?

- I'm a little pompous.
- What's the Wizard of Oz thing? Pompous.

No, I was just kidding.

No. No, no, no.
It's all right. I asked for it.

I just meant somebody likes
to hear the sound of their own voice.

Now you're getting interesting.

Pompous dad, back at Ben.

- Here it is.
- Okay.

- How about vanilla?
- Whoa, mom!

Called you vanilla.

Could be bland, I'm not sure,
but it's your call.

- Back at mom. Come on, Ben.
- Okay, "Stepford-y." Stepfordy.

Stepfordy? Is that an adjective?

Yeah, it just describes, you know:

"Let's just sweep everything under the rug
with a pat on the back, a smile...

...and don't forget the glass of champagne
to take the edge off."

You're on a roll. Come on.

Do we have any problems here?
If we did, we'd just...

...throw some money at it because we
all know there's nothing money can't buy.

Can't buy communication like this.

Hey, Ben, I thought you were
really great with my family today.

Are you making fun of me?

No. No. Course not.

It sounded like you were.

I'm not making fun of you.
The fact that you...

...lost your mind and embarrassed yourself
in front of everyone.

No, that's not making fun of anyone.

- Okay.
- What?

- Time for a punishment. Come here.
- No.

What are you doing?

- What does it look like I'm doing?
- Something that's very against the rules.


Hi. Just in the neighborhood...

...thought I'd drop by,
make a little house call.

Yeah, of course you were.

- Am I interrupting anything?
- No, no, no. Come on in.

- Oh, thanks. Yay.
- Come on in.

- Hi.
- I won't overstay my welcome.

I just wanted to check
and see if everything was okay...

...because after the tasting,
things were a little tense with the in-laws.

Nope. No tension here.

Can I be frank?

Of course, I'm Frank.

Pardon the pun...

...but at this stage in the course,
I usually find out that...

...a lot of couples resort to sex
as a quick fix for their problems.

I just wanna make sure you're
strong enough to resist the temptation.

- Yeah. We are.
- Yeah.

Does that make you uncomfortable, Ben?

No, I'm not uncomfortable
talking about sex, no.

Having you in my living room
talking about sex...

...that makes me a little uncomfortable.

The number one rule of a good sex life... not being so serious.

You know, because...

...if the humor goes,
there goes the intimacy...

...and then there goes the marriage,
then divorce, yada, yada.

But there is a remedy.

Knowing what your partner likes sexually.
How do you find out?

Well, you ask. That's kind of wonderful.

Hey, one little exercise,
then I'm Audi 5000, okay?


Look at Sadie
and complete this sentence:

"I like it when..."

- This is ridiculous. I'm not doing it.
- It's not, Ben. Come on, I wanna know.

I don't wanna talk about it.
I don't wanna do it.

I wanna know.



I really like it when...

...Reverend Frank doesn't
interrupt us before sex.

I'm glad I got that off my chest.

- Okay.
- That's okay.

You're not comfortable with this,
let's show him how to do it.

- Don't hold back.
- I like it when it's out of the ordinary...


That's weird, because I always pictured you
as a kind of in-the-bedroom person.

- No, not really. No.
- Hi! Whoa! Out of the ordinary?

We're out of the ordinary.

Because I remember having sex
on this carpet and I got a rug burn.

- Ouch.
- Yeah.

One time, though.
It was great...

...but it's more the exception
than the rule.

- I'm talking about, like, real spontaneity.
- Like what?

Like my parents' bathroom?

Oh, yeah, and everyone's
downstairs having dinner.

- Exactly. Or on the beach.
- Under a towel.

- At work.
- In the office supply room.

Or maybe at your grandmother's house
while she's in the kitchen making tea.

Yes! I love it when you get creative.

You have no idea.
I love it when you take control.

What do you like about that?

Okay! That's enough of that!

Ben, come on. This is just an exercise.

- We were talking through it. Yes!
- No. No.

Pushups, that's an exercise.

No. No, I see
Ben's point of view here.

Maybe we're rushing things a bit.

Maybe I should pencil in
the date two years from now.

- Okay.
- Sorry to bother you. Good night.

I'll let myself out. I know the way.
You have a good night. I'm going out now.

- What was that?
- Please.

Reverend Frank!

So we back on schedule?

He's a reverend.
What did you think was gonna happen?

Well, I can't believe you were
talking to him like that.

I can't believe the first man to actually ask
me what I like in bed was my minister.

Son of a...

Hey, get your butt out the way!
This ain't no damn pedestrian crossing!

So you're telling me
he bugged your apartment?

And who knows what he heard?

I mean, this guy is sick,
and I can't wait to tell Sadie.

- She's gonna freak out.
- You cannot tell Sadie.

You think she's gonna believe her
reverend is bugging your bedroom?

Of course she will. I have evidence.

Does this bug have his name on it?

No. But...

All right.

We can talk about this later
if you need to focus.

I'm good. This is about you.
Lady in the wheelchair, please!


The lines of communication
have to be shut down...

...between you and your woman.
She trusts the reverend completely now.

She trusts him so much
she's calling Shelly...

...and telling her how we need
to take a course to help our marriage.

So I'm supposed to take this lying down?

No. Look, let me make this simple, okay?

We have to punch a hole in Frank's
holier-than-thou armor.

We have to find his deepest,
darkest secret and take him down.

Roach coach.

Roach coach!

I'm not doing that. I'm not doing it.

Thrust, thrust.

All right, I know you're gonna find
something you like with this group.

See, this is just what I gravitate towards.

- Really simple.
- And no diamond? I'm fine with that.

Split up?

Come apart.

Excuse me.

Hi. I'm just here to pick up my rings.

- Last name's Murphy.
- Murphy.

- Okay, there you go.
- Oh, great. Thank you.

Let's take a look.

Oh, wow.

- They're really beauti...
- Thank you.

I'm sorry, does that say "Never to fart"?

That's what you wrote
on your inscription form.

I'm sorry, I wrote "Never to part."

I don't know who would've
written "fart."

- That's ridiculous.
- We get pretty strange requests here...

...and we just engrave whatever is written,
and there you go.

- Yep. "Never to part."
- "Never to fart."

- No, that's a P.
- It's an F, sir.

Nope, that's a P. Do you see how
that comes around in a P way?

- Judith?
- Yes?

Could you come over here
just for a tiny little second?

Thank you. Judith...

- Sure.
- What is this letter there?

- That is an F.
- No, that's a P.

It's a P.
It comes around like a P.

Well, actually, if you look,
there's clearly a gap in the curl.

There's no gap in the curl.
Judith? It connects.

That's a P. "Never to part."

- Mark, could you just come...
- I don't know that we need Mark.

...a little quick second here?

- And what is that?
- Oh, the novelty inscription, yes.

Mark, it's not a novelty inscription.
It's a romantic inscription.

Excuse me.
What is this letter?

- It's an F. I do teach penmanship.
- I took his class. It's wonderful.

- It's pretty clearly an F.
- Yeah.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Hi. I'm really sorry
to bother you. Very nice.

Could I ask you to help us out with
a problem here, just a little problem?

Could we show the normal person?
Thank you.

What would you call the letter between
the fingers that I'm pointing at right there?

- What is that?
- An F?

- I'm sorry, sir? Louder, please?
- An F?

- F.
- Yes.

- That's right.
- Okay, excuse me. Hi. All right.

I'm getting married in two days.

Thank you.
I really need that to say "Never to part."

- That's very nice.
- "Never to part." That's so sweet.

And that's what I wrote.

I need it to say "Never to part,"
and I need it done immediately.

So how do we do that?
How do we get that done?

We could have it tomorrow.
In the morning.

And that's what we can do.

But there's a $250 rush fee.

So I'm spending $250 on something
I asked you to do in the first place?

And we can guarantee that.

This is ridiculous. There's nothing here.

Oh, come on, man.

If that old lady from
Murder, She Wrote can do this...

...then we can find something.

- Are you talking about Angela L...
- Just keep looking.

What is that?

Frank Littleton. That's his address.

But who's Maria Gonzales?

- Hello?
- Joel, it's Ben.

There's no one here by that name.

Is there another name
you'd maybe like to try?

Eagle, it's Sapphire.

Copy that, Sapphire.
What's your 20?

I'm at John the Baptist's house.

- What's he doing?
- He's showering.

Dude, you're watching
him take a shower?

No, I'm outside.

Then get your butt inside.

- What? Are you nuts? I'm gonna get caught.
- Listen, the rehearsal's tomorrow.

You've only got today to blow the lid off.

It's your only chance.

Strike first, strike hard. No mercy.

What the hell am I doing?


Maria Gonzales.

I got you, sucker M.C.


Wow, look at you...

...priest dog.


I'm gonna...

No. No, no!

That's so gross.



No, no, no, no!


Leave Mr. Socks alone.

Nicodemus! Bad Nicodemus!

These are my Cheesy Curls.
No, don't you run away.

Bad. These are mine.

This is good.
Things are really good.

And I'm not even concerned with the fact
that Ben hasn't written his vows yet.

- Really?
- No.

He's just drawn this little animated truck
going through a hoop of fire.

You know what?

It's actually better.

Because he's waiting
until the last second...

...when his mind is completely clear
and he can just say what he really means.

- Okay, hold on.
- What do we think? What's the verdict?

Let's just take a second.


Looks a little bit like the inside
of a down comforter.

What the hell's going on?

But look, no, the rhinest...

- It's beautiful, honestly...
- No. I'm not talking about the dress.

I'm talking about Ben.
An animated truck?

You know, I wrote seven pages
on how much I love and adore him...

...and all he can muster up for me is some
stupid Tonka truck in a three-ring circus?

- That's it?
- Okay, you know what?

Lay it on me.

Oh, God.

Please tell me everything's gonna be fine.

What do you want me to say?

Sadie, my marriage failed.

I watch Titanic by myself, alone,
in my room, every night...

...stuffing my face
with Honey BBQ Fritos.

Not the one to give you any tips or advice
about your relationship... matter how desperate you are.


However, I do recall my ex
never wrote any vows at all.


That's kind of promising.


It was probably because he was
too busy...

...sleeping with our dental hygienist,
which was great.

Hey, but your hygienist is a guy, right?


You're fine.

Is this a piece of work?
They don't make them like this any more.

When two people say "I do"...

...they're putting their lives
in each other's hands entirely.

Anything less than that
is doomed to failure.

Now, the last test you have to pass...

...before I certify you
ready for marriage... the communication test.

Which is very important...

...given how poorly we've been doing
in that area lately.

Oh, me? Don't worry.

I plan on communicating very well...

Okay, Ben, can you please
just let him finish talking?

- Thank you.
- Yep.

- Sorry, reverend.
- It's okay.

To demonstrate how important
communication is in that area:

- What?
- Blindfold.

- What are you doing?
- I'm not doing anything.

You're gonna be Sadie's eyes
as she drives us.

- You're insane!
- lf you wanna pass this course...

...and get married tomorrow,
you have to pass this test.

Your call.

- Yeah. Yeah. I can do this.
- You're actually gonna go through with this?

- What, Ben, you don't think I can do this?
- Okay. Maybe you don't understand...

...what's going on here.

Ben, there's two sets of controls.

I can take over at any time.

What'll it be, Benjamin?


Well, I'm gonna need
a little help here, though.

First you need to put it in gear.

- Check.
- And then you're gonna ease out...

...onto the street.

Left. Left!

There you are. Right.
To the right!

Ben, did you see a clipboard back there?

There it is. Least it's warm.

- What...?
- It's a communication exercise.

You will be graded.
Less than 80 percent...

...consider getting married in Vegas.

You know what?
Vegas sounds awesome right now.

Maybe you can get an
Elvis impersonator to officiate.

"Hey, my wife. Yeah."

- Ben, you wanna help your future bride?
- Yep, yep, yeah. I do, I do.

How about we take a right?
Head back to the church.

You might wanna brake.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I just, I got nervous.

That's very good.
Taking responsibility. Excellent, Sadie.

More enthusiasm
in the back, Ben.

Oh, my God, I'm having so much fun!
Aren't you? I might pee my pants.

Sarcasm, wicked stepsister
of communication.

- Point off.
- Now take a right. Now.

- A right? Now?
- Now!

It's a one-way street!

Okay, well, then should I pull over?

No, no. Just go straight.
They'll go around you.

Oh, my... Jesus. Okay, okay.

- In about 20 yards we're gonna turn.
- 20 yards means nothing to me. I can't see.

Here we go. Turning now!

There's a man.
That's an old man in a hat and a thing.

Look out!

- I'm blind, Ben!
- That's enough. We're ending this. Stop!

Is that what you do
when things get difficult?

You're just gonna quit?

I need to count on you, Ben.

Life will hand you stress
and the key to managing your anxiety... not letting it contaminate your partner.
- Garbage truck!

- Where?
- Punch it!


I'm pretty sure I'm not learning
anything from this.

- Are we good? Are we good?
- There's Burt Fleeger!

Looking good, Hollywood!

- I feel like I'm not getting any guidance.
- You might wanna pick up speed a little.

- Wait, wait. Why would we do that?
- There's a parking space up there.

Gun it, Sadie.

- I never get this space!
- Oh, my God!


Hello, Jones family. How's it going?

Hello, reverend.

Daughter's a good little driver.

Well, you have the wedding processional.
You can go with Mendelssohn...

...or one couple actually had Captain and
Tennille here playing "Muskrat Love."

It's your call.
After you boogie down the aisle...

...l'll start by saying something nice.

Speaking of that, let's give a big
Saint Augustine welcome... Ben Murphy's parents,
Ron and Mary Murphy.

Came all the way from Seattle.

Then I get into a brief message about
the joy and the sanctity of marriage...

...and that on your honeymoon,
try and act surprised.

It's an old joke, but sometimes works.

Then we got prayer, hymn, prayer, hymn.

And then we get into the vows.

In my course, the couple
writes their own vows.

And that in mind, may I have your vows?

Thank you.

Thank you.

- Ben?
- Yeah.

Got the vows?

Ben, where are your vows?

Oh, I have them. I just...

I haven't finished them, but I will
have them here tomorrow.

Well, I guess that'll have to do for now.

After the vows,
we have the lighting of the candle.

- It's true, by the way.
- Not now, Ben. I just wanna think.

Thinking's good.

- Yes, I wanna think about everything.
- What about?

I'm guessing these aren't
part of the vows.

Okay, because I used to think that we were
so perfectly compatible for each other...

...and now...

- Look at us, Ben.
- What?

- Ben, you want two kids, and I want four.
- So what?

You obviously think my family
is a bunch of rich, alcoholic snobs.

- You never take the lead on things, Ben!
- And I'm not good enough for you!

I'm not adventurous enough in bed, right?

And I'm not as handsome as Carlisle,
not as successful.

Carlisle has nothing to do with it.

- Carlisle has everything to do with it.
- How?

Because he is someone whose opinion
you trust way more than mine.

Oh, God. When have I
ever said that to you, Ben?

You just don't have to.

"Carlisle, what crystal should we use?

What brand of cheese is good, Carlisle?"

God, I am so sick of you
choosing Carlisle's cheese.

- Carlisle's cheese. Explore that, Ben.
- Enough of the pop psychology, reverend.

Because all you've done is everything
you can to make sure this doesn't work.

I've worked very hard to create lines
of communication between you and Sadie... let you know what you're in for.

- You're onto it.
- Yeah, we are.

We are discovering
a whole shitload right now!

- Really?
- Yes, we are, Ben.

- Guys, seriously, space, please.
- Now's the time. Pop the info.

Okay. Okay. You know what?

I didn't wanna have to do this,
but I have no choice.

So aside from the fact that
Reverend Frank bugged our apartment...

Excuse me, what?

I've mounted an investigation.

One that I think you would be
interested to hear about.

So Frankie, should I tell them
or should you?

What do you want me to tell them?

What I want you to tell them
is what their good and decent...

...and ever-so-intuitive reverend
was doing when he married...

...and then subsequently divorced
one Maria Gonzales.

That's not true.

Reverend Frank has never been
married or divorced.

That's what I thought too,
Grandma Jones.


...Reverend Frank?

It's true.


Oh, it's very true.

How can we trust anything
he said to us now?

We have put our relationship
in the hands of a total hypocrite.

I didn't wanna have to talk about this
to protect certain parties...

...but enough time has passed
so the truth can finally be known.

Yes. Please do.

Several years ago, a young woman named
Maria Gonzales attended our church.

She was a refugee who was
denied political asylum.

If she was deported back to Guatemala,
she would have faced most certain death.

So in order for her and her children
to stay in this country...

...I agreed to marry her
so she could get a green card.

Once she was legal, we divorced.

She moved to New Mexico with her kids.

A couple of years ago I got a letter
from her, and she told me...

...that her oldest
had been accepted to Harvard Law.

He was going to graduate
in the top of his class, and when he did...

...he was going to go
into immigration reform.

And that is the story of Maria Gonzales.

I keep their pictures in my wallet... remind me that one person
can make a difference...

...even against insurmountable odds.

That's Pablo right there.


If you had just spent half the amount
of time on your wedding vows... this stupid little investigation...

...we would probably be walking
down the aisle tomorrow.

And, no, no...

I can't do it.

- Unbelievable.
- You're such a jerk.


Are you happy now?

It's a painful process.

That's why we do it.

To find the truth, Benjamin.


Why did you punch the reverend?
What is wrong with you?

Nice right hook, but you are going to hell.
Know that?

I'm sorry. J.C., I'm sorry.

Three weeks.
That's a new course record.

Man, I haven't seen a right hook like that
since the Buffolini meltdown.

I hate this part.

I'll get the bag of frozen peas.
Come on.

Here we go.


I can't believe I was about to marry
someone I didn't know.

That's why we have the course.

It's good that I found out now
instead of down the road...

...because that just
would have been awful.

I'm sorry, he just, he makes me so mad.

What am I supposed to do now?

- You still have your honeymoon tickets?
- Yeah.

Use them.

Go away for a couple of days.
Take a friend, family, anybody.

- I don't know.
- Oh, come on, it'll be great for you.

Get a tan, huh? Trust me.

See you, kiddo.

You know...

...maybe Ben wasn't the only...


- No, no. What? What?
- No, have a great trip.

I mean, it wasn't supposed
to be like this.

Yeah, I feel as bad as you do.

Now she's using her honeymoon
ticket without me.

I mean, how is that supposed
to make me feel?

Bad. I think.

Three weeks ago, I was the happiest guy
in the world, and now I just...

Now I'm just sitting here with you.

Thanks, Ben. Appreciate that.

No, you know what I mean, I just...

Hey, it's cool.

Look, don't take this the wrong way,
because Sadie's cool, I like her a lot...

...but there are plenty of fish in the sea.

And now it's your time to be
the king barracuda...

...and get out there
and swim with the sweet tuna.

The ocean is yours, man.

That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.


You're a bear.

Now jump in that forest...

...and you gotta tag as many
cute, furry, bear butts as you can.

Joel...'re my best friend, man.
You know that?

- And I love you. You know that?
- I love you too.

But you have got to be
the worst advice-giver I know.

I mean, not only is your
advice terrible, but... just backfires at every turn.

And now you're talking to me
about fish and bears.

She's a woman, Joel.
I mean, she's an amazing woman.

And she's just so beautiful.

And she's loving and...

It was all right there...

...and I lost it.

And I don't need you telling me
that I should go out and find someone else.

I mean, I don't need anybody
telling me how to go...

I don't need anyone telling me.

Wait. Where you...
Ben! Hey!

No way.

Whoa! Is that one strike
or two against Rodriguez?


Awesome job with the camouflage, guys.

Seriously, you got me.

Who'd have thought you'd be in a van
with "Saint Augustine's"?

Just listening to the ball game!

Cubs are off today.

Hey, Gillie.

This guy say he's in love.
He come to Jamaica to find his girl.

Well, see, we were supposed to get married
and then she just called it off.

Oh, no. It's a long story. Just...

Man, you don't have to worry,
it's a long ride.

It's really a long ride.
You can sit and tell us.

Well, what happened was...

It is absolutely beautiful here.

Hey, Mom, you gonna get in your bikini?

Like hell I will.

Talk to her. This is for lovers, man!

Thank you.

It's Ben.

- What?
- Sadie, it's me.

- I know. What do you want?
- Look, I have to talk to you.

Guess what, Ben?

You had your chance. You had an empty
book and you didn't say anything.

- And that's part of the thing. Listen...
- No. Ben...

...I don't wanna talk to you.
- You don't understand. I'm in...


How come I could say so much
and he couldn't say anything to me?

Can someone please explain that?


I was just clearing my throat.

- John!
- What?

A piece of coconut went down
the wrong way.

Your daughter's in pain.

- Yes, I'm in pain. And I'm all alone too.
- Not you.

- I'm alone.
- Not you.

Is anyone at all concerned
with the fact that my life is falling apart?

Oh, of course we are, sweetie.

But relationships are complicated.

- We certainly don't have all the answers.
- You guys have been married for 30 years.

- You must be doing something right.
- Not all those years were great.

Years 16 through 18 in our marriage were
something straight out of The Shining.

Okay, but Ben and I couldn't even decide on
what color napkins we wanted...

...let alone how many kids.

And he couldn't handle that
I have a good guy friend.

I don't know if it's our friendship
he was insecure about.


Listen, I'm gonna support you here.

But you gotta think about this
from Ben's perspective.

How do you think he feels when you're
always coming to me?

- I don't go to you all the time.
- When are you going to him?

Just maybe...

...Ben wants to be with somebody
who needs him for a change.

That's really heartfelt.

- Does this happen all the time?
- Sadie?

To go from being so in love to this.

You know, I'm all alone
on my honeymoon at Sandals...

... couples in love all over the place.
This isn't what I pictured.

Well, is it ever what you picture?

Were we the first ones to fail the course?

Who said the course is over?
It's only over when you decide it's done.

I don't know what to do.

It'll come to you.

Have faith.

Thank you, Reverend Frank.

Right on schedule.

Hallelujah. Now do you mind?
I need my beauty sleep.

No smoking on this flight, but you
can light up whatever once we land.

- Ben?
- Hey.

You picked up.

It's so weird.
I was just thinking about you.

You were?


My family said some things
to me yesterday about... not relying on you and... got me thinking...

...about that stupid truck... drew in your wedding
vow notebook.

And I know this is gonna
sound so weird but...'s why I love you.

You don't always say the right things
or do the right things but somehow...

...I know you would jump through
a hoop of fire for me.

Hey, can you do me a favor?

I think you should come to your window.

I left my vow book at home so...

...I figured I should write
a few of them here.

What do you think?

- I am so sorry. I messed up.
- Me too.

There's so much to say.
I just didn't know how.

I need to stop doing everything myself
and share the reins.

No matter what I do,
I know you're gonna support me.

If I'm ever blindfolded,
you're the one to guide me.

I want to have as many kids
as we possibly can.

After Macy's, I definitely want two.

I need to be more decisive.

- About napkins, about...
- Napkins, cheese, anything... the end of the day,
I'm gonna rely on you.

Because nothing means
more to me than you.

Nothing. I love you.

I love you.

What's going on here?

Reverend Frank?
What are you doing here?

Reverend Frank is
everywhere, remember?

Thought you two broke up.

We did. We just sort of talked it through.

Seems like we have more faith
in each other than we thought.


You just passed the course
with flying colors.

So how about it?

Do you think we should
get this wedding started?

I do.

And do you,
Benjamin Fitzpatrick Murphy...

...take Sadie Wilhelmina Jones
to be your lawfully wedded wife?

- I do.
- The rings.

"Never to fart"?

Oh, my God.

I didn't change it.
I'm gonna change it when I get back.

- I promise I will.
- No.

Bite your tongue, because I wouldn't want
it changed for anything in the whole world.



By the power vested in me by God...

...and the Minister of National Security
and Justice of Ocho Rios, Jamaica...

...I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You gotta turn. There it is!

Frank, we just wanted to come
and thank you for everything.

- I'm just fulfilling my life's calling.
- You know what?

- We wouldn't have gotten here without you.
- Thanks.

You're gonna have a wonderful life.
I have no doubts.

Excuse me, may I borrow my daughter...
Your wife, for a dance?

- Yes, please.
- Thank you.

- Bye.
- You look beautiful.

Hey, can I ask you a question?


When did you know that we were
ready to get married?

The moment you told Joel that Sadie wasn't
a fish, I knew it was meant to be.

Besides, anybody who kicks
a reverend's ass for his woman...'re A-okay in my book.


You're starting an incredible journey
with a wonderful partner.

Thank you.

And on the honeymoon, act surprised.

I will.

- Take care of yourself, B.
- You too, Frank.

Oh, my God.

- Wait.
- No, that's what they're supposed to do.

I know. I lost... We broke...

But it's okay if we laugh, right?

It's not okay if we laugh, is it?

- You broke!
- I did not.

We still got a siren. My ride's here.

I like shooting downtown L.A.,
because pretty much you got 911 all day.

I'll be over here.

"Be chill, don't kill."

That goes for you too, Mr. Simpson.

I thought you'd work so hard!

Just get me a bottle of water
and a rubber mallet.

Come on.
Thrust it, thrust it, thrust it!

People, we can do this.
They're not that...


Help out, everybody.
Motherf   er.

You play cutch?


Let me walk back and cutch,
which is a old game.

That's scary that I could
say it like that...

Oh, my God.

No. Stop.

I'm gonna look like such a rookie,
because every time...


- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Special thanks to SergeiK.