Made Of Honor Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Made Of Honor script is here for all you fans of the Patrick Dempsey and Michelle Monaghan comedy. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Made Of Honor quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Made Of Honor Script

Oh, yeah, nice to see you.

Hey, that dress needs

- Here you go.
- Thank you kindly, Monica.

Monica? Monica?

Oh, shit, Hillary.


Hi, Bill.

Oh, hey, Snow White.

Where is 11 B?


Where did she say that thing was?

Guess it's time
for a little action.


It's Bill.

I got some dictation
for you, Monica.

I got a big secret
for you, baby.

How did you get
up here so soon?

Monica. Monica.


I can't see.

My eyes! My eyes!
I can't see!

Who let you in?

What happened? Where's Monica?
What happened to Monica?

How did you get in here?

She told me where
the key was. I can't see.

Did she say it was okay
to dry hump her roommate?

She said you'd be in the library
because you're a geek.

I am not a geek. Gosh!

Oh, my God.
What was that, mace?

"Eternity" by Calvin Klein.

Oh, I'm gonna be so careful
who I get in bed with from now on.

That'd be a big adjustment
for you, wouldn't it?


I do that every time.

I've invented a solution for that.

It's something goes around a coffee
cup so you don't burn your hand.

I'm gonna call it the coffee collar.
Brilliant idea.

I know all about you.
I know your whole rap.

- You do?
- Yeah. You're a senior...

- Uh-huh.
- ...who preys on freshmen.

You slept with half my floor.

- Well, half your floor was female.
- Whatever.

And you once met Bono,
which I suspect is total bullshit.

No, it's true. He signed my CD.
It's upstairs in my room

with my... coffee collar,
if you wanna see it.

Are you hitting on me?

No. I'm going off your look.

- My look.
- Yeah. Your "doggy bowl" look.

- Are you calling me a dog?
- No, no, it's a theory I have.

Oh, Casanova has a theory.

Yeah. When a girl's attracted to a guy,
she has a look. It's her tell, like poker.

It's the same look a dog gets
right before you put down the bowl.

You're offensive.
And you're crazy.

No, I'm honest.
I believe honesty is the best policy.

All right. You want me
to be honest with you?


- I'm majoring in Fine Art.
- Right.

I'm studying the golden proportions
of the human face.

And your nose is bent, and
it droops down at the bottom,

a feature accentuated
by the thinness of your lip.

And your eyes...
are too far apart,

but they'd have to be
to accommodate that bent nose.

And I feel sorry for you.
You have to validate yourself

through insatiable,
meaningless, ego sport-sex

with insecure girls
like my roommate.

I would never have sex
with someone...

like you.

Wow. Wow!

Hey, come here.

That was amazing.

- What was?
- The honesty.

That was almost better
than sex without the, uh...

Without the crying.
- Actually, it did feel pretty good.

Yeah, no one's ever been
that honest with me before.

- It's called a friend.
- I'm Tom, by the way.

- Hannah.
- Hannah. That's a palindrome.

Good night.

Good night.

Your hand's clammy.

I can see through
your nightgown.

Tom, is that you?

Can I see
your Bono autograph?

She's all yours, friend.

Monica, get some sleep.

Subtitles by demonseye

Good morning.

Who is this?

Oh, I'm late.

What are you doing tonight?

I don't do

Isn't that what we were
doing last night?

No, that was something different.
Back-to-backs are seeing each other

two nights in a row.
And you know I don't do that.

Couldn't you just break
one of your stupid rules?

- No.
- For me?

I'm sorry.
I don't break the rules.

I have a rule about that.

See you next week.

Thank you.

- Excuse me.
- Sorry.

Can I get a grande drip

and a decaf, triple grande

non-fat, extra-hot, stirred,
no-foam Caramel Macchiato

with whipped cream,
extra caramel?

And fill that 70 percent
of the way. Thank you.

Oh, here. Let me put a coffee
collar on that for you.

Oh, thank you.

I hear the guy that invented
that gets a dime for each one used.

- You're kidding.
- I am not.

That could add up.

Oh, I think I picked up yours
by accident.

Sorry about that.
- Oh, that's all right. Thank you.





Good morning, Hannah.
Coffee the way you like it.

Perfect timing.
I just finished working on his balls.

That's a... Yeah. Good.
Um, so, I made a reservation.

- So, uh, which rule is this?
- No back-to-backs.

Oh, isn't it the same as the
"no more than once a week" rule?

No, the "once a week" rule
works Monday to Friday...

Oh, so, theoretically, you could
have a date on Sunday night

and then Monday
without breaking it.

- Exactly, you got it.
- Of course.

Ah, here we go.
Hey, good morning.

Can I get the... steamed buns,

uh, the scalloped
steamed dumplings

and the vegetarian
and shrimp steamed dumplings.

- Thank you.
- For what?

You know how much I love
the fried stuff. You're looking after me.

So, what did she say?

Oh, she was hurt,
but, you know, at least I was...

- But you were honest, weren't you?
- What? I was. I am. Always.

I know you are, but it's just...
shocking how you use it as a shield.

Maybe I should lie.
Be more like Dennis Phillips.

Say whatever it takes
to get a woman in bed.

Do not be like Dennis Phillips.
He's so gross.

- He only hit on you once.
- At my father's funeral.

Okay, he's not known
for his sensitivity.

Oh, God. Anyways...



Oh, I know that "nothing".

It's not nothing,
it's something. Anyway...?

Anyway, we both know you don't
need to lie to get a woman into bed.

Gloria. I don't wanna lose that.
Can I keep it? Thank you.

Here's another rule too:
24-hour rule.

I can't call her for another 24 hours.
Then it appears I'm too desperate.

Yeah, right.

You know,
Dan sent me another letter.

Asking you to move to Canada
and marry him again?

A slice of
apple-crumb pie.

No. Got that last time.

You guys broke up like a year ago.
- Nineteen months.

- You're counting?
- No, he is. It was in the letter.

Lemon, butter-cream cup.

Hmm, not feeling
the cream cup today.

Cranberry-orange muffin?

Oh, Hannah, come on.
You're losing it.

I know, I know, I know.
Okay, okay, okay, okay...

They don't have it here.
Forget about it.

- Come on. You're disappointing me.
- I got it. I got it.

- Whoa, yeah.
- Okay, I so have it, I so have it.

Cream-cheese-swirl brownie.
- Ooh.

You're so good.

What do you think of this?
I think we should bring them this.

Tom, I'm not going to another one
of your father's weddings.

Thank you.
Hannah? Please.

Take one of the girls
you've been rubbing against.

No weddings
or family events.

Oh, that's right.
I forgot that rule.

Leaves the wrong impression.
- It does.

- Is this made with real alligator?
- Yes, baby alligator.

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

Look at you.

Hello, there. Hello, there.
Aren't you beautiful?

Oh, I love you.
Yes, I do, I love you.

You're so pretty. Yes, you are.
You're beautiful.

You're beautiful. You're so beautiful.
Look at that face.

Love you, love you, love you.

You should try saying that
to a human sometime.


A human?
You don't say that to a human.

You're sweet. Love you.

Hannah, please.
Come to the wedding.

- No.
- He gets married and I go.

I go because he's my father
and I care deeply for the man.

And everybody knows
he doesn't love them.

They don't love him.
It's pathetic.

Breaks my heart.
I don't know what to say.

You know, if someone's
making a mistake

and it's not your place
to interfere, you simply say:

"I'm happy you're happy."

- "I'm happy you're happy."
- Yeah.

Okay. I'll do that.

I promise you, this is
the last time I'll ask you to come.

And then I'll find somebody else
to come for the next few.

Hannah, please.

That's cute.

- Last time.
- Thank you. Thank you.

Look, she gets the apartment
in the city and 30 grand a month.

Right. Okay, okay.
You get the house in the Hamptons.

She's asking for the apartment
in the city and 30 grand a month.

- Thirty? But...
- Are you still negotiating the prenup?

- Now the party starts, my son is here.
- You're getting married in 10 minutes.

Dad, dad, please. I can't breathe.
Dad. Please, dad.

- Did you bring the lovely Hannah?
- Yes, I did.

You know, you don't act on that
pretty soon, you know what I'm gonna do?

- No.
- I'm gonna make her my number six.

It's seven.
This is number six.

- Yeah.
- My God, you are pretty.

Oh, dad...

I used to be that pretty once.

Dennis, look
how pretty my boy is.

He's beautiful. They won't accept
a minimum of five times a week.

She promised five,
I want five.

What did she promise you
five times a week?

- Four times?
- Two.

No, no, no, no, no. We're not
done yet. We're not done yet.

- Three with a bimonthly BJ.
- Oh, this is disturbing.

- Four, and make it weekly.
- Wait, wait, wait. Don't...

Driver, go around the block.
We are not even close.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- What was that?
- Christie, wait. Christie.

- Come on.
- Okay. Okay.

Come on, tell me.
Say what you gotta say.

Well, I'm happy
if you're happy.

"You're too old for her, dad.
She doesn't love you.

This is embarrassing. You're gonna
rack up your fifth divorce."

- Sixth.
- Sixth.

- Come on, I'm happy if you're happy.
- Bullshit.

They'll go for four
if you exercise more.

She says you can't
gain any more weight.

- Take it. Deal.
- Deal.

I told her I weighed 10 pounds
more than I do. Ain't love grand?

- Sign them both, please.
- What's he signing now?

- The current prenup and his last divorce papers.
- Ah, that's just great.

You look great,
don't fix it. Come on.

- You're good.
- Move.

- I'm so excited.
- Yeah.

Thank you.

I'm so excited.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- Did you tell your dad you loved him?
- I told him I cared for him.

You can't even tell your father.
I don't get that.

- It's a guy thing.
- No, it's a Tom thing.

Oh, well, you're
an "I love you" slut.

Are you kidding me?

You say it all the time,
to everybody.

- Oh, this looks so good.
- That looks good. What is that?

Lemon. I should've ordered this.
This looks good.

You always order
better than I do.

It's lemon, right? It's good.
I'm ordering that from now on.

- No, you won't.
- Why?

I need you to order the chocolate
cake so I can have some.

There's my son.

Here we go.

- Hi.
- Christie. How are you?

If you're a bad boy,
I'm gonna spank you.

Yeah. Do you know what I would
like to say to you? Is that... Ow!

- I want you to listen to me, Tom.
- Yes.

If you need any moneys...

or you need any advice...
- Right.

or you got girl problems.
I don't think...

I need you to think of me
how you would a real mother.

Yeah, that's exactly
what I...

- Look at this beauty, will you?
- There he is.

Hello, sweetie.

Drunk as the night
I first met her.

- So romantic.
- Oh, please. By all means.

- You are a bad influence on her.
- Me?

Last shot, okay?

I'm stealing you away.
- "The last one."

He does know that
he can just date, right?

No, I don't think he does.

- To mothers.
- To mothers. Cheers.


Oh, nice.

Oh, God.

- Hide me.
- What?

It's my dad's
patient coordinator.

Yeah, don't look, don't look. Don't look.
No, no. She's obsessed with me.

Yeah, she's created a website

- The psycho blogger?
- Yes.

Okay, come on.
Dance with me. Watch yourself.

- I think she's cute.
- Oh, stop it.

- I'm serious.
- Just keep going.

Here, just...

Hide me. Up. Neck, neck, neck.
Up. Back. Side, side. Go. Over.

Her last blog was
a two-page description of my face.

You see, she doesn't think my nose
is too bent or my lips are too thin.

- Who said that?
- You did. When we met.

- Well, I lied.
- What?

I thought you were hot.

Well, you told me
I looked like a dog.

That's because I was
just trying to sleep with you.

Why haven't you since?

Well, I like
having you in my life.


- Hi, Tom.
- Oh, hi.

- Did you see the new blog?
- Uh, no, we haven't.

- Who's this?
- This?

Well, this is my...
My girlfriend.

Why didn't you tell me
you were seeing someone?

Because I don't know you.

Look, we have a really
really open relationship.


You know, I wanted to talk
to you about that, princess.


I-I-I don't wanna be
with anybody but you.

I don't know if I'm really quite
ready to make that commitment.

You know my rules.

We're a bit of an emotional retard.
- Yeah.

I think I need to start
a new blog now.

That is so scary.

She's psychotic on top of being...
Oh, this is not good.

Get out of my way.

Okay, good, she's gone.
Perfect. Let's go.

Good, come on.

Do you remember that
ancestral home in Scotland

with those paintings
I told you about?

- It's all I think about.
- Stop it, Tom.

I finally got
the board to sign off

on making them additions
to our permanent collection.


But they want me to go to Scotland
for an acquisitions trip.

- When do you go?
- Couple of days.

Couple of days?
For how long?

Six weeks.

That's a long time.

- That's great.
- You think?

Yes, it's a great
opportunity for you.

You're like the museum
maven of the Met.

It's got a good ring to it.

Thank you.
- Congratulations.

Six Sundays.

That is six Sundays.

- What am I gonna do without you?
- Oh, well. I can just imagine.

- Yeah.
- What are you doing?

- I'm gonna jump!
- No. God. Jesus.

Six Sundays.
How can I live without you?

- Can you not take anything seriously?
- Yeah, I can.

Get down.

Let's get you another drink.
- I think I've had too many already.

Oh, thanks for coming
to the wedding.

It was a ball. I can't wait
for number seven.

It's coming up soon,
I have a feeling.

We also ask at this time that you
turn off all your electronic devices.

Please leave your cell phones turned
off for the full duration of the flight.

I'm not gonna be able
to play today, man. My back.

If we don't have a fourth,
we're gonna end up with Tiny Shorts Guy.

- How's it going?
- Need another?

No, our friend Paul,
with longer shorts, is coming.

No, Ginny signed him up
for some art-walk thing.

Art walk? Are you serious?
Tell me something.

What do you think Ginny did with
his balls when she cut them off?

Oh, come on, guys.
Marriage isn't that bad.

I agree. Without marriage,
there'd be no divorce.

So, without divorce,
I wouldn't have my condo in Aspen.

There you go.

- Good one.
- What is he? What is he?

I'm serious, man. You're missing out
on the best parts of life.

The most important part of life.

This coming from the guy
whose wife won't let him own porn.

He's gotta wank off to the underwear
section of the Sears catalogue.

Hey, I thought we weren't
gonna talk about that, huh?

What's the matter with you?

You are single and you've
been single ever since...

What was her name,
in sophomore year?

Um, Pim... Pimkin.
Pimkin, that's it.

Pimkin dumped you for him.
Sophomore year.

You've never been the same.
You haven't been able to sleep.

- Scarred.
- Yeah. You have no idea how nice it is

to have someone who's gonna be
there for you, no matter what, forever.

Snaps to that.

And you don't know how nice it is
to sleep with a different girl every night.

That's true.

Nice rebuttal.

You know, you got the best
of both worlds, Tom.

No, it's true. I can sleep
with whoever I want,

but I still get to hang with Hannah
afterwards. It's a perfect setup.

- Well, maybe not for Hannah.
- What's that supposed to mean?

Come on, Tom. She's a woman.

- Yeah, I got that.
- You sure?

- Yeah.
- Dude, she's pushing 30.

You think her idea
of happily ever after

is coming home to you and
hanging out after you got laid?

- Makes you think, right?
- Yeah.

- Hello?
- Hey.

- Hi.
- How's the weather in England?

It's great.
Only I'm in Scotland.

Oh, right. Right.

So, it's sunny.

It's 3 in the morning.

- Oh, right. Sorry. So it's dark.
- Yeah.

Hey, have you seen
the Loch Ness monster yet?

I know, terrible joke. Anyway...

Is there something important?

Yeah, you'll never guess
what happened.

- What?
- They filled in the pothole.

- The pothole?
- On 83rd.

Terrific. Hey, Tom?

- Yeah?
- I'm gonna go back to sleep now.

Oh, okay. Sure.

Love you.

Good night.
Call me tomorrow.

This stuff's all old.

Yeah. That's the point.

Let's go to Fendi.

- Fendi? No. No, no.
- Yes.

- We're here. Let's just stay here.
- Yes.

I'm not into old stuff.

Why are you talking
like a six-year-old?

I'm not.

This line is too long.
Can't we just go somewhere else?

No. This is the best bakery
in the world.

That's why
it's worth waiting in line.

Come on, we'll play a game.
Wanna play a game?

- Yeah, we can play a game.
- Okay, good.

- Tell me what to order.
- Why?

You'll see. It'll be fun.
Make a suggestion.

- A cookie.
- No, no, you have to be specific

like what type of cookie.

A really big cookie.

Tom, your phone's ringing.




- What's wrong?
- Missed an important call.

That's because
you're an important person.

No. Oh, wait.
Hey, come to mama.

Uhh, we will have, um,
two fried dumplings,

two of the wontons, and six of
the, uh, fried porky thingies.

Yeah, but that's fried.

- Come on.
- It's not healthy.

Have some of the fried.
It won't hurt you.

Thank you.

Move, please.

Oh, gosh.

This is unbelievable.

- Hello?
- Hey. Hello?


- Hannah?
- Hello?

- Hey.
- Tom? Tom, is that you?

- Tom?
- Hello?


You're cutting out.
I can't hear anything you've said.

I'm stuck in a thunderstorm.
I'm surrounded with a herd of cows.

- Listen, I'll call when I get to the hotel.
- Hannah, I can't hear you.



Hello? Hello?


Oh, I hate Scotland.

We're having a hard time.

We're having a hard time.

Oh, yeah? Want a hand?

- Give us a little...
- We'd love it.

- I think you'd better sit down, sir.
- I might fall in.

- Sit down there, sir.
- Sit, sit, sit.

Here we go.

- Don't come in.
- Hang on.

Thank you, thank you.

- Have a good afternoon.
- Have a wonderful day.

- Give it up, baby.
- What do you got, Gar?

- Come on, scrub.
- What you got?

Let's go. What do you got, Gar?

What do you got, Gar?
What do you got?

Come on, Tom. Tom, Tom.


Tom, foul. That's a foul, Tom.
What's the matter with you today?

I don't know. I think
I might have feelings for Hannah.

Oh, come on, come on.
Let's just play.

It's just... without her,
something's off.

It's got me thinking that,
maybe, there's more to life

than just sleeping around.

- I don't understand.
- I-I'm not following.

Come on, let's just play.
Come on. I'll take it out.

I know exactly
what you mean, Tom.

Thanks. Here you go.

I'm gonna tell Hannah.
When she gets home...

I'm gonna tell her that
I wanna be with her.

Nothing about marriage, just be together.
- Yeah, that's romantic.

You have one unheard message.

Hey, Tom, I'm back.
God, I cannot wait to see you.

I don't care what you're doing tonight,
cancel it. We're going to dinner.

Meet me at that new trendy place next
to the small Greek place we hated

that used to be the Thai-fusion place
we loved. Meet me there, 8 o'clock.

I have so much to tell you.

All right.


Have a good night.

Tom. You okay?

- I'm all right. Are you all right?
- I think I broke a rib.

- Sorry about your flowers.
- His rib. I'm fine. I'm fine.

- Are you okay?
- I'm so sorry.

- I'm sorry, sir. Here are your flowers.
- Oh, but...

- You had flowers?
- No, they're not my flowers.

They're your flowers. Those are yours.
- I didn't have flowers.

- Hi. It's good to see you. It's great.
- I missed you.

- There's someone I want you to meet.
- Oh, good.

It started pouring and suddenly
it was just me in a field of cows.

Of course, we're in Europe. There are no
street signs anywhere and it's getting dark.

I think she thought she was
in some bad werewolf movie.

"Stay off the moors, lassie."

So, anyway, all of a sudden,
out of nowhere,

Colin comes riding up
on horseback.

Can you believe it? A horse.
And asks me if I need any help.


You were a lady in distress.
What was I gonna do?

It was right out of
a Brontë novel.

So, anyway, he shows me
to this charming little inn

where he proceeds to buy me
the most awful dinner I have ever had.

Right. Okay. Aye. It was pretty bad,
even by Scottish standards.

Then, we just spent the next month
traveling around the country,

getting to know each other,
visiting museums. It was...

- It was perfect.
- It was perfect.

So, when it was time
for Hannah to leave, I just...

I don't know, I just...
I couldn't let her go.


- So, I got down on one knee...
- And he proposed, and I accepted.

Wow, that's just...
It's huge, it's...

So, the wedding's coming
together very quickly.

Ah, it sounds like it.

We're gonna get married in Scotland,
at Colin's parents' summer home.

It's gonna be a pretty small thing.
We can't expect too many people

to make the trip overseas
in just a fortnight.

- A fortnight.
- Right.

- That's two weeks.
- It's crazy, isn't it?

- Have you ever been to Scotland, Tom?
- You know, I haven't.

You should see the little church
where we're exchanging our vows.

It's the same church that Colin's
parents were married in.

It's pretty spectacular. Just across
the loch from our distillery.

- Distillery?
- Yeah, Colin's family

owns the largest
whisky distillery in Scotland.

Tom, look.

If you were getting married
I'd expect to be your best man.

Tom, will you be
my maid of honor?

Your maid of honor?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

- Forgive me, I...
- What is it with you, man?

What are you...?
Excuse me. Excuse me.

Did you see that?

Maid of honor.

That's funny stuff.
But you're a guy.

- Go ahead, just get it out.
- Oh, my...

So... so, what did you say?
Did you say "yes"?

- No.
- No?

I didn't know what to say.
I told her I'd think about it.

You need to think about
whether or not

that dress gonna make
your ass look big.

- Give me a break. Come on.
- Okay. All right, let me think.

She really into this guy?

Oh, you should have seen her. Staring
at him moony, like he shits unicorns.

Ohh, that's not good, man.

I'm thinking you're
gonna have to do this.

You're gonna have to be
the maid of honor.

- What?
- Yeah, I'm serious.

Think about it.
This would give you

an excuse to be around
Hannah all the time.

Helping her out, being
the man behind the curtain... Huh?!

You'd be her confidant.

And then you could
use that time

to point out to Hannah
that this is really crazy

and that she doesn't
even know this guy at all.

No, no, no. I'm not gonna
do that. No way. No.

- What?
- No.

Look. Tom, I don't know what
your other options are.

You got a better chance of
stopping this wedding from inside

than from another continent.

And they say that you can shorten this
and wear it again if you like.

Come on, man, if you're serious
and you really want Hannah back

from this guy, you're gonna
have to do whatever it takes.


- Your dress is beautiful.
- Thank you.

I am so happy
you're gonna... do this.

Pleasure. For this wedding,
I am willing to do whatever it takes.

- Oh, I'm so excited.
- Yeah, me too.

All right. So, let me tell you who
the other bridesmaids you're gonna be.


- All right. Stephanie...
- Stephanie? Great, I like Stephanie.

- And she loves you.
- Oh, good.

- And my friend Hilary from camp.
- Hilary? I don't know Hilary.

- She's the best.
- Okay.

- And Melissa.
- Oh, no.

- I had to, Tom. She's my cousin.
- No, she hates me.

- Well, you broke her heart.
- She broke my nose.

- That was an accident.
- She hit me with her fist.

I was completely honest with her when I said
"Look, nothing serious", and she agreed.

Well, sometimes our hearts
don't match our mouths.

Oh, that's good. You should
put that in the vows.

- And...
- Yeah?

She's wanted to be my maid of honor
since we were 5 years old,

so, now she's really
gonna hate you.

There they are now.

Okay, well, as your maid of honor,
I promise to keep the peace.

- Oh, hi.
- There she is.

- Hello, good to see you.
- Oh, the bride-to-be.

- I'm Tom.
- I'm Hilary.

Very nice to meet you.

Stephanie, how are you doing?
It's so good to see you too.

Are you kidding me?

Look at you, Melissa.
How have you been?

- That went great.
- This isn't awkward.

It's gonna be fine, it's gonna be fine.
Don't worry. I'm gonna be fine.

So, Tom, have you
met Colin yet?

- Yes.
- Isn't he dreamy?


Could someone please
pass me the Splenda?

Could someone who's not
a misogynist pass the Splenda?

- Hello?
- Thank you, Stephanie.

It's Colin, you guys.

Hi, babe. One sec.


They're so cute.

Okay, we only have nine days
before we leave for Scotland,

so, we have to act quickly.

Exactly. I've been
a MOH six times

so I'll organize everything
that needs to be done.

Even though I'm not
officially the MOH here.

- What is a MOH?
- M-O-H.

- Oh, maid of honor. That's you.
- Oh, that's clever. Yeah.

No, it's going great.

Very smoothly.

So, we've got the bridal shower,
the bachelorette,

dress fittings, the kilt...

- I'll do the kilts.
- Okay.

Oh, good.

Uh, shopping for Hannah's trousseau.
That's gonna be fun.

What is a trousseau?

- It's lingerie.
- Oh.

For her wedding night.

How do you expect to be a good MOH
if you don't even know that?

- She's talking to me.
- No, I didn't.

- You just did.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Tom.

Did I break a rule?

Oh, um, how about we focus
on the wedding part?

- Good idea. Let's do that.
- Okay, I need dress sizes.

- I'm a four.
- Hey.


I'm sorry.

You know, Hilary, uh,

do you think that maybe you'd just
be more... comfortable in, like, a 12?

No, it'll be fine.
I'm doing the dr. Riverbed fast.

- Oh, yeah.
- What is that?

Uh, water, peach resin,
apple pectin,

shark extract and
Lawry's seasoning salt.

What about food?

Look, I am going to look
amazing in that dress,

I am going to meet a Scottish man
and I'm gonna be happy.

Write down an 8.
- Got it.

What's your dress size,
maid of honor?

I don't know.
What's your jock size, Melissa?

Okay, guys. That's enough.
It's enough.

Sorry. But will you guys
look at Hannah, please?

Okay, she's happy, finally.

So, could you please, for Hannah,
let's all just get along,

hook a smile on our faces and
pretend like everything is perfect.

Okay, fine. Okay.

- Oh, my God. That's great.
- What did he say?

- How's he doing?
- Oh, he's so sweet.

Isn't that great...

How's it going?

- Great.
- Good. Really good.

Fantastic. Fantastic.

- I mean, it is pretty much done.
- Perfect.


- Tom?
- Yes.

- Here.
- What is this?

Uh, she does
bridal-shower entertainment.

I hired her for Stephanie's
sister's shower, and Hannah loved it.

She reads tarot cards and stuff.
- Oh, that's great. Thank you, Melissa.

I'm not doing it for you,
I'm doing it for Hannah.

Okay. Thank you.
For Hannah.

It should've been me.

- I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye, Tom.
- Goodbye.

- Bye, Hilary.
- See you. Nice meeting you.

I just had a very nice
bonding moment with Melissa.

- Can I ask you a favor?
- Sure.

My mother and grandmother
are coming into town tomorrow

and I have so much to plan.

I was wondering if you and your boys
could entertain Colin for the day.

Entertain him?

Yeah, just kind of get
to know him and stuff.

- Sure.
- Cool.


So, are you more proud of
scotch tape or McDonald's?

I think they're both American.

So, wait, you invited this guy
to play ball with us?

Yeah, he's the competition.

I need to get to know
his strengths and weaknesses.

I like his green shirt. Is that
like a... poly blend kind of thing?

- Yeah, it's my shirt.
- That's your shirt?

- Yeah. Looks good on him, huh?
- Looks real good.

Why don't you play with him?


Hey, Colin, you ever play
basketball before?

We would call this netball.

Um, back in Scotland,
it's more of a woman's game.

So, no, I don't have
much experience.

- I do. You need one more?
- We're good.

All right.

- All right, girls. You ready?
- Yeah. I am.

- Gotta use your hands there.
- You all right there?

- I'm open, I'm open.
- There we go.

You gotta hold on to the ball, man.
You hold on to the ball.


You should get some
Scottish girls out here.

No, you want to start again
because you didn't get that.

There you go. That was good.
Here you go.

What do you got?
Shoot that. Nice.

- I like it like that.
- Sorry, guys.

Get on him.

Get in there, ball. You okay?

Okay, back to you.
Put it in the basket.

Put it in the basket.

You know what I'm loving?
The guy's a chump.

- There it is.
- Arms up, baby. That's good.

That's it, that's it.
We got it now.

Hey, I look good, don't I?

Here we go. Here we go now.


Just put it in the basket.

- Go ahead.
- Put it in the basket.

Hey, take a shot.

- Sorry, guys, huh?
- Did you see that?

Probably not allowed
to stuff it in the net.

- He dunks the ball.
- Sorry, sorry.

He dunks the ball.

That was awesome.
You can dunk.

He can dunk.
That is awesome.

Wait, if that's allowed,
why don't you guys all do it?

Yeah, if we could,
we would. Right?




- Good game, yeah. Good game.
- My brother.

He's gonna be more
competition than you thought.

- I know, I know, I know, I know.
- I love this guy.


- You all right?
- Yeah.


- Holy...
- That boy's got mad-cow disease.

We gotta get
some dirt on this guy.

I got a guy I use when
a spouse suspects infidelity.

Everybody's got skeletons
in their closet.

Nobody's squeaky clean
and my guy's the best.

I don't know,
it just seems so cheap.

Don't worry, it won't be.
I'll charge double because you're rich.

- I mean, it's a cheap thing to do.
- He plays cheap.

You gotta match that.
- How does Colin play cheap?

That thing with Hannah,
being Scottish,

making her fall in love
with him in Scotland...

That monster thing of his...

Fine. Get the dirt.

That's cool.

The white zone
is for immediate loading

and unloading
of passengers only.

No parking.

What's he gonna do, eat her?

Come on, come on, come on.

Okay, take a breath,
take a breath, take a...

Thanks, Tom.

Yeah, have a... great flight.

Bye. Thanks, mate.

Come on.

- I love you, Colin.
- Bye.



Oh, God.

- Need some ChapStick?
- Yeah.

So, what church are we going to?

Grace Church.

Thank you for coming with me
to meet the reverend.

- Oh, it's no problem.
- He is the sweetest man.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

He married my parents
and insisted

on coming to Scotland
in order to do my wedding.

I don't know, why didn't Colin
stay and do this with you?

Well, it was more important
for him to go back to Scotland

to petition the Grand Council,
so Colin and I could get married.

I don't know, what's a Gran...
What's that mean?

Well, I'm not Scottish, and
his family is kind of, like, you know...

- What?
- Royalty.


- Royalty? What is he, like a king?
- No, no. He's a duke.

A duke?

- Ah, Hannah, darling.
- Reverend Foote.

And this must be the lucky young man
who's marrying our beautiful Hannah.

- Oh, no. I'm not marrying him.
- No.

This is Tom,
my maid of honor.

- Maid of honor?
- Yes.

Well, how about that?

We have many gay and lesbian
members of the congregation.


- Thank you.
- Thank you, Reverend.

- So, let's talk about the wedding.
- Okay.

I need to get some details
about you and, uh...

- Colin.
- Colin. Colin, yes.

I want to work it into the ceremony.
- Okay.

Well, it was such a whirlwind, really.
- Yes, well, enlighten me.

Tell me about it.

Hannah, darling?

Hannah, I think it's important
to dig deep here for the vows

and tell Reverend Foote
all that you know about Colin.

All that you love about him.
Not just the obvious stuff,

but those unique characteristics
that are Colin.

Those things that...
make you laugh and say

"That's so Colin."


And then, you know, maybe you could
get some information from Colin

and emphasize their unique bond.
Their shared history.

Of course.

We could talk about
love at first sight.

Well, that's always
a crowd pleaser, but...

Hannah, elaborate.
Tell me more about him.

How you feel about him.

Where did you meet?
- In Scotland.


Your first summer
in New York City,

you were dating a guy
who worked on Wall Street

and he asked you
to move in with him.

And you weren't quite sure.

Anyway, that was around
the time you discovered Modigliani

and became obsessed
with his painting

of this woman who had
a blue scarf on, holding a baby.

And Hannah said "That painting
captured the essence of that woman

better than any photograph."
- I can't believe you came to remember that.

I also remember that she freaked
because she said she felt

more passionate about that painting
than she did about Mr.... Wall Street.

And she wondered if she ever
could meet somebody

that could make her feel
as passionate as that work of art.

That's good. That's good.


Now I know why you picked him
to be maid of honor. Yes.


Come on. Who's ready to lose some
money tonight? Because I'm feeling lucky.

You guys are late.
How you doing?

- How you holding up, champ?
- I'm stressed.

What the hell is this?

- Hannah's shower's in the morning.
- Where we gonna play?

We're not gonna play untill
these baskets get done

and everything else
never gets done.

- What about this party mix?
- That's potpourri.

- Oh, this is perfect.
- Come on, Felix, take it off.

Deb has one of these.
It's funny, you can't even see a thing.

- She'd have to, to sleep with you.
- You could be, like, blinded.

No, I'm not playing with baskets.
It's poker night.

- You put bayberry with serenity.
- You don't like?

No, it's interesting,
I always thought it was obvious

that bayberry worked
best with harmony.

Really? I've been putting
bayberry with Tahitian Sunrise.

- That, I like. That's Zen.
- Yeah. You know what I like?

I like how you put
the bath ball in the center.

I like that so much, I'm gonna see
your ball and raise you another ball.

It's a Good idea.g
You should definitely have two balls.

- Get you another ball.
- Hey, Dennis,

come and curl some ribbon.

I can feel my sperm dying
inside of me one at a time.

Shut up and grab a basket.
Come on, it's fun.

I'm going to a strip club
to eat some meat.

Then I'm gonna get into a fight.

Call me when you find
your balls, Tom.

All right, tough guy.

Or maybe they're in the basket
next to the Tahitian Sunrise.

Someone's afraid
of his feminine side.

Look at that... Oh, nice job
with the fluffing. Look at that, huh?

You tjuzsed it,
and it's been tjuzsed, and...

- Look at us.
- Come on.

- Nice work, huh?
- You can't lose.

Oh, shit. Hello, ladies.
You look lovely today.

- Tom.
- Ah, Hilary, how are you?

Good. Everything looks wonderful.
This is the best shower I've been to.

Really, you think so?
You know what, Hilary?

You should really eat something.
- No. Tom, I'm fine.

I'm fine. I'm okay.

What you ladies go through
to fit into a dress.

This pretty much blows
your rule out of the water

about no women
allowed at your place.

What good's a rule if you don't
break it every now and then?

I'm very, very impressed.
Thank you...

Listen to that. Gay Gordons
party remix, just for you.

Hear the horn? Hear the horn?

It's good, isn't it? Wait, let me
turn it up for you. There it is.

- It's a little loud.
- What?

- It's a little loud!
- Okay. I'll turn it down. There you go.

Look at this. Try this.
Haggis Pink.

It's pepper, cheese, chopped up baby
lamb lung, and cow pituitary gland.

How are you?

It's a Scottish delicacy.
Colin recommended it.

Ladies. Ladies.
Look what just came for Hannah.

It's from Colin, everyone.

Wait, there's a card.
There's a card. There's a card.

It says "Hannah".

"Hannah, my love,
this is the extremely rare

Scottish, floral, bud thistle."


"They only bloom for four hours
before they die."

He must have timed
this out perfectly.

Oh, my gosh. When we first met,
Colin joked

that he would roam the countryside
to find me one, and he did.

Sweetheart, that's the most
romantic thing I've ever heard.

Thanks, mom.

Joan, good to see you.
It's been too long.

I think, Easter, wasn't it?

Yes. You slept with our maid.

She told you?
I didn't know she spoke English.

Yes, hi.

This is grandma Pearl.
You remember Tom.

- How are you?
- Oh, yes. The fornicator.

That's right.

- Okay.
- Tom, this is awesome.

- It's great.
- Good, thank you.

I mean, This is even bettert
than my sister's shower.

Oh, really?
It appears to be going well. Yes?

Sharon would like
to know where to set up.


- Uh, the entertainment.
- Ah, yes.

Thank God... I mean, good.
She-she should set up over there.

Hello, everybody. Hi, I'm Sharon.
Good to see you all.

Yeah, come on,
right down front.

This was my idea, you know.

Oh, I know you loved her
from Stephanie's sister's shower...

Before I start, I'd like for us all
to take in a deep breath.

She wasn't at the shower.

- She wasn't?
- No.

- And now exhale slowly.
- Really?

Good job. Good job.

It's very important to reset
our third eye

and connect to the primal...
inside of ourselves

before I present
the pleasure aids.

- Pleasure aids?
- Now...

these pleasure aids are best used
when in a tantric, meditative state.

And today,
I'm going to show you, ladies,

how to reach your optimal,
sacral chakra.

All of these aids
are for sale, ladies.

And... Oh, look what we have here.
We have edible panties.

You look hungry. Here,
snack on these. There you go.

Now, ladies, what pleasure party
would be complete without...

glow-in-the-dark thunder beads.

These are terrific.
And for you ladies today, two for one.

Okay? There you go.

Do you wanna try those out,

Where do these go?

From casual right into evening wear.

You know what,
why don't you keep those?

Oh, and they match
your earrings.

Hannah, you okay?

You know that I dreamt
of my wedding shower

ever since I was 10 years old?
- No.

Strangely enough,
the image of my grandma Pearl,

draped in glow-in-the-dark
thunder beads,

wasn't part of it.
It's not funny, Tom.

Do you have any idea
how important this is to me?

And the Gay Gordons, pink haggis,
dildo saleswoman?

We-well, just understand something,
that Melissa set me up.

Oh, please.
There's always an excuse with you.

I never even should've asked you
to do this in the first place.

You don't even believe
in marriage, for Christ's sake.

You know, I might.

I gotta get back.

Whoa, Melissa's pretty good.

Look, the whole goal here was to
convince Hannah that I'd grown up

and she doesn't know
anything about Colin,

that I'm the right man for her.

That did not happen.

Oh, Stella. No. No, baby,
don't eat buttons, okay?

Yeah, but you're still
the maid of honor, right, Tom?

I don't know, I think
she might have fired me.

Get outta here! How does somebody
get fired from being maid of honor?

Tell me about it.

- You know what? I got an idea.
- Okay.

To prove to Hannah that
you're the only man for her

we have to make you
the best maid of honor ever.


I'm at a loss, completely stunned.
My guy couldn't find any dirt on Colin.

This has never happened.
This guy's clean.

I'm glad
it happened to me.

You know he's got three
Guinness World Records?

- Cool. For what?
- He's actually got a Medal of Honor.

Hey, that's pretty funny because
we got the maid of honor right here.

All right,
let's stay focused.

Look, the point is,
we're not gonna get her off this guy.

Yeah, so, we need to not
make this about Colin.

- We need to make it about you.
- Good.

But you gotta show her
that you're growing up finally...

- I am.
- ... that you're changing.

I am. I am changing.
I'm growing up.

- Good. Then this should be easy for you.
- Okay, great.

These are bridal magazines
from 18 different countries,

each with a feature article on
the duties of being a maid of honor.

Perfect. Über Bride.

Now, I got these guys
in Bangalore that we outsource to.

They translated them
overnight for you.

Nice appetizer there, Gary.
Here's the main course.

- What do you got for me? Bring it on.
- Deb, is an A-type personality.

She has to do everything perfect.
- Sure.

Love her.
Hate that about her.


Anyway, she rented this when
she was gonna be the maid of honor

for her yoga teacher.
This is the goods.

- Good, let's look at this.
- You're gonna be wowed.

- Good, let's look at this.
- You're gonna be wowed.

Hi, I'm Elisabeth Hasselbeck

and I'm just so thrilled
you purchased this program.

And I'm proud of you because
it shows that you're not happy

being just an ordinary friend
and loved one.

No, you and I
are going to work together

to make you
the perfect maid of honor.

When we're through, you'll know
everything there is to know

about dresses, crockery, nuptial
etiquette, and pleasing your bride.

Okay. What's the length
of the bridesmaid's dress?

Can't be longer than bride's.

What if someone won't be
able to attend the wedding?

- You gotta send an invitation anyway.
- Receiving line?

Receiving line?

There's a receiving line means
I've failed because Hannah's married.

Right, it was
a trick question.

Who was
the runner-up MVP, 1974?

No, hey, these questions
all have to do

with Tom being the best
maid of honor he can be.

All right. I-I-I thought we were
just asking, like, questions.

Go sit down.

Basic duties
of the maid of honor?

Manage the bridesmaids,
hold the ring, support the bride.

Basic duties as you
as the maid of honor?

Show Hannah that I've matured, that I can
take care of my responsibilities fully

and that I need to destroy
the wedding from within.

- What happens if you fail at that task?
- Colin gets her.

What are we gonna do?
Steal the bride.

What are we gonna do?
Steal the bride.

- What are we gonna do?
- Steal the bride!

Steal the bride!

And remember, whether it's helping
with the seating chart

or giving an opinion on the cake,

the perfect maid of honor
is with her bride

every step of the way.

You know, you didn't have
to clear your whole day to do all this.

Are you kidding?
Of course I did.

The perfect maid of honor is with
his bride every step of the way.

A changed man.

I am, indeed.

- I don't even know where to begin.
- When choosing your china patterns

you need to think about what
type of entertaining you will do,

what sort of... foods
you wanna cook.

Ah, here, look. Now,
don't be afraid to mix and match.

It's important, even with
different styles and textures.

What you wanna do
is stir up the table.

Make it come alive
with color and finesse.

That is the goal.

Also, at the end of the day,
you will find


Thank you very much.

Let's go. If you think
I'm good with plates,

wait till you see
what I do with linens.

- Lingerie, perfect.
- What about the linens?

You'll be able to help pick up
something for the wedding night.

- No.
- Are you crazy?

You're the perfect person
for this job.

Who's taken off
more lingerie than you?

Let's put your whoring
to good use.

Good point.

So, how did it go with
the Scottish Grand Council?

Great. Colin got them
to approve everything.


So, I gotta tell you,
I know this is gonna sound funny

but, um, I have to thank you.

For what?

Well, for asking me
to be your maid of honor.

Yeah. I-I know
this is gonna sound crazy

but... you've really opened my eyes
to the whole idea of marriage.

- Right.
- No, seriously.

Have you met someone, Tom?

- No.
- Well, then how can you be serious?

I don't know. I just...

I don't know.

What do you think?
Think Colin will like it?

No. No.

- It's just...
- What?

It's cute.

"Cute"? I do not wanna look
cute on my wedding night.

Just put this on.
Cover yourself up.

Oh, hey. That's my coat.

- Thank you. Yeah.
- Thank you.

Here, let me get you in a cab.

I can't believe this is
my last day in New York.

What are you talking about?

I've been meaning
to tell you, Tom.

When I leave tomorrow,
I'm not coming back.

I've decided to move
to Scotland, to be with Colin.

- You're leaving New York?
- I am.

It's exciting, you know,
and it makes sense.

He's next in line to take over
the family business and...

It's a whole new chapter.

You were amazing today,
you know that?

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

I had no idea
you could juggle like that.

- Yeah, well...
- I mean, women, yes, china, no.

- Yeah, I know.
- You're always amazing.


I'll see you in Scotland soon, okay?
- Yeah, I'll see you over there.

I'll miss you.


Come, baby.

- Hi, there.
- Hi.


- Nice dogs.
- This is Hamish and this is Callum.

- Callum? Callum.
- Yeah.

- What dog is that?
- He's a Scottie.

A Scottie.

That's perfect.
Fucking Scottie.

I've never felt like this
before. So hopeless.

So, tell me again why you agreed
to be the maid of honor.

Ah, to be with her.
Make her happy.

Figure out some way
to get her off of him.

Maybe that was all wrong.
Maybe he's better for her than me.

He's Scottish, he can dunk,
he's perfect.

Nobody's perfect.

Although, I tell you,
this whisky comes damn close.

It was a gift from Colin.
He made it.


I can't go. I can't watch
Hannah marry this guy.

She's moving to Scotland,
I've lost her already.

- Crap.
- If you love something, set it free.

Said by a pussy and
used by pussies ever since.

Bogie puts her on the plane.

- Pussy.
- Bogie's a pussy?

Big pussy.

You know, I've only
truly been in love once.

The most amazing woman
in the world.

She was my best friend.

But I was young, stupid,
and I messed it up.

My great list of mistakes,
that was the greatest.

- Who was this?
- Your mother.

And when I finally realized how
stupid I was, I decided to fight for it

but I was too late.

She wouldn't take me back.

And she was right.

And then
it really was too late.

By the way, uh,

I'm getting another divorce.

Oh, pop.

Hey. Go and get her,
you pussy.

What about the dresses?

UPS is delivering them
tomorrow morning.

I gave you
the tracking number.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Okay, so Colin and Hannah are
gonna meet everyone at the house.

Okay, great.

- Thomas.
- Yeah.

- Go get them, maid of honor.
- Yeah.

Make this the perfect wedding.

And steal the bride.

Thanks, guys. Thanks.
Thanks for everything, man.

- Thank you so much, all right?
- All right, baby.

All right, all right, all right.
Get out of here. I'll see you later.

- Wow, this is like a fairy tale.
- Hannah is so lucky.

- I know.
- I wish I was her.

How she ever found
such a great guy...

- We'll come visit her.
- I know.

All the time.

Hey. Hey.

What's your name? Huh?

You're a pretty dog.
Oh, I love you.

- That's his house?
- No. Is this the summer house?

The McMurrays
have homes for each season.

This summer home
is the smallest.

They also have an autumn home,
winter home, spring...

I know the seasons, buddy.

Somebody's richer than you, Tom.

I guess you gotta go invent
something even stupider.

The entire castle was actually built
in 1220 in the 13th century.

- This is incredible, isn't it?
- But around the 7th...

Grandma Pearl, Joan,
this is my mother, Dierdre

and my father, Mungo.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

Nice to meet you, Joan.
Nice to meet you. Welcome.

Everyone, I want you to meet
someone who is special to my Hannah

and has been a lifelong friend,
and now her maid of honor: Tom.


Did he just say
he's the maid of honor?

He's a bloke.

- How do you do?
- Very good, thank you.

- Mungo.
- Mungo, pleasure. Thank you.

Definitely gay.

Oh, and the-these are
the bridesmaids:

Hilary, Stephanie and Melissa.

- How do you do?
- Oh, hello.

- Hi.
- Nice that you could come.

How do you do?

How do you do?

- So, what do you think?
- I think they think I'm gay.

- What?
- Listen, can we get together?

Talk, catch up?

Tom, Tom, do you
wanna see your chamber?

- Oh, love to. Thank you. Thank you.
- Follow me.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Now, then.

I think just a few more sprigs
of gypsophila at the front there.


What do you guys think?

- Oh, it is gorgeous.
- You look amazing.

- It is so pretty.
- With the veil...

- It's so shiny, it's gorgeous.
- It's you.

What do you think?


The hair. Yeah, it, um...

This sash will go
on the dress.

- Really?
- Tradition.

What's up with the hair?

Well, I'm not entirely sure that...

Oh, no, no, no, you see, it's attached
up here with a lovely big...

You're the maid of honor.
It's good to just be supportive...

- I'm supportive.
- I don't think you are.

- I think I am.
- No, listen to me.

No, you're doing great,
you're doing great.


Actually, you know,
your hair looks amazing.

- Really?
- Yes.

Oh, the games will be starting soon.
Here are your costumes.


- Costumes.
- Our costumes?

What do you mean "games"?

Oh, the Highland Games.

It's a tradition
in honor of the wedding.

It goes right back to the time
when the groom had to prove

that he was man enough
to deserve the bride.

If he didn't win,
he didn't get the bride.

No problem for my Colin, huh.

Welcome, one and all,
to the Highland Games.

Men have traveled from all
four corners of this great country

to compete in feats
of strength and agility.

But only one warrior will be
man enough to claim the bride.

One competitor
who needs no introduction

is our very own
Colin McMurray.

- Doesn't my Colin look handsome?
- Yes.

Coming up the rear,
all the way from America,

Hannah's maid of honor... Tom,

who, I think you'll all agree,

is wearing a rather
fetching wee minikilt.

Who was in charge of that?

I have no idea.

Yeah, you're sexy!

Everybody giving their all.

And we're running
neck and neck.

A Scotsman against a Yank.

Ladies and gentlemen, the result
of today's Highland Games

rests upon the caber toss.

The competition is down
to two competitors.

- A tree. We're tossing a tree?
- Yeah.

What a toss.

What a toss.

- Way to go, Colin.
- He's strong.

Well, then, Tom. Let's see
what you're made of.

The whole competition
rests on this throw.

Look alive, lassie.

Come on, Tom. Oh, gosh.

Okay, I can do this. I can do this.
Okay, here we go.

Okay. Okay, okay.
I got it.

Okay. Okay. Here we go.
Here we go.

Watch your step. Watch your step.
Watch your step.

Oh, dear.
That's gonna cost the Yank the girl.

What an ass.

And the winner of the Highland Games
is our very own Colin McMurray!

Great, lad! Good on you.

That's great.

Well done, my boy.
Well done.

- So cute.
- Well done, my boy.

Robert Burns, who wrote that song,
is Scotland's most famous poet.

No, no, auntie, we haven't had any bairns
yet, so we haven't got any names.

"Bairns" means children.

I'm so sorry, I'm having a hard
time understanding your accent.

- Athol.
- Excuse me?

It's a name for the children.

- Athol.
- Athol.

Little Athol.

Yeah, no, we won't
be naming our child Athol.

Maybe when he's a teenager.

My mother's cousin
was the Duke of Athol.

We're a long line of Athols.

Well, maybe... maybe
we'll keep it in the mix, eh?

Maybe as a middle name?

So, Hannah,
do you like the venison?

It's delicious.

Colin shot it.
He's a wonderful shot.

Oh, stop, mom,
you'll make me blush.

And this is the moment,
I've just remembered.

What moment's that?

When Colin killed the deer.
I filmed it.

Right between the eyes.

In fact, everything we are eating
this evening, Colin has killed.

- Colin.
- To Colin.

In your honor, Hannah.

That is so thoughtful.

I'm so sorry
I didn't kill anything for you.

Oh, gosh. What did you get?

Oh, I love chocolate.

Don't... Don't do that.

If you want some...

Here. Give you some.


Excuse me. Hi.


Excuse me. Sorry to...
There you go.

A wonderful dinner, by the way.
- Delighted, Tom.

- And your wife is looking for you.
- Oh, thank you very much.

- Nice one.
- Cheers.

A little birdie tells me
Colin personally slayed

each one of these
reindeer heads.

- Tom.
- You're right.

When I say a little birdie told me,
he would've told me, but Colin shot it.

Listen, seriously. Can we go
somewhere private and talk?

It's important.
- Yeah.

Shall we go?


Oh, my God.

You know, he's been
playing the bagpipes

ever since he was 3 years old.
Practices every night.

- Every night?
- Oh, never misses.

What kind of necklace is that?

They're glow-in-the-dark
thunder beads.

- Oh, hi, mom.
- I have something for you.

Some evening, huh?


This is so you can have
a little piece of home with you.

Thank you.

Oh, look at you.

There's you and Melissa.

You were about 5 there.

Oh, do you remember this?

It was taken at the lake
when your father broke his arm

because of that
silly motorcycle of his.

I miss dad so much.

Me too, sweetheart.

I just wish
he could've been here.

He was always so worried
I was never gonna meet anyone.

Oh, no, he wasn't.

Oh, that's Paris.

He could be so
off-base sometimes.


Well, it's just...
he was always convinced

that you were
gonna marry Tom.


I'll see you in the morning.

Good night, my angel.

It's pulling of a Band-Aid. You just
have to close your eyes and do it.

But I just haven't found
the right time.

What are you talking about,
"right time"?

Any time is the right time to say
"I love you. Marry me."

- Right.
- Come on, what are you there for, man?

Take the shot, win the game,
and bring her home.

And stop running up my long-distance
phone bill with these crazy calls.

Right. Right, right, okay.
Thanks, Felix.

You can do this, Tom.
You can do this, you can do this.

What's wrong with me?
You can do this. You can do this.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey, I thought we could go for a walk
and, uh, work on the vows.

- Good idea. I could use some help.
- Yeah.

Good, okay.

- What do you think?
- I think a lot of things.

I've been working
on them all week,

and I think they're actually getting worse.
- Yeah.

At first, I went
for the emotion,

then I thought, oh, God,
what if Colin doesn't?


And then I tried to be funny.
Well, I don't know if Scots

have the same sense
of humor as Americans.

I'm-I'm... So now I'm
back to something basic,

and I totally think I veered off
into something boring.

I'm crazy about you.

I think about you all the time. And I want
to spend the rest of my life with you.

- Really?
- Really.

That's so generic.

- Generic?
- Yeah.

- Generic?
- It totally is.

How can that be generic?

It sounds like something
somebody is supposed to say

as opposed to what
you're really feeling.

All right, how about, uh...

Nobody in the world
makes me laugh the way you do.

You're my best friend.

I just want to be with you.

Look out, look out, look out!
There she is! Hannah, let's go!

What is this?

- This is her "taking out."
- Her what?

We dress her up and then
we parade her around one of the pubs.

- That's weird.
- It's tradition.

And then we fill a toilet with salt
and we sell your kisses for change.

- Really? They sell your kisses?
- Yup.

Come on, it's like
a Scottish bachelorette party.

Okay, come on.

All right, let's sell some kisses!

It's her taking out.
She's got the breath of an angel.

- Another.
- Another.

Thank you!

This is all I have.

- Oh, my gosh, you guys!
- What?

Don't drop your pot.

- We have to get more kisses!
- Kisses!

- More kisses.
- Kisses.

- I can't take it anymore.
- What are you doing?

- Let's do it again. For old times' sake.
- Don't take that off.

No, Tom, I need
to make this up to you.

Don't take this...

- No, I'm really unhappy.
- That's fine.

- No, it's okay.
- Tom, I'm not happy at all.

And I am in a really,
really confusing place

in my life right now.

- Confusing?
- Listen, I have had some whisky...

- I can tell.
- ...and I need you to service me.

- Service you? Service you?
- Service me, bitch!

Service me!

- Be quiet. Be quiet.
- You be quiet.

- Get off of me. Just be quiet.
- You get down.

- Be quiet.
- Be quiet! You be...

Don't! Get off!

Wait! Wait!

- Hannah!
- Bring me more whiskys.


It's Tom, let me in.
Let me in.

- Go away, Tom.
- No, no, no, no, no, let me explain.

It's not what you think.
- It doesn't matter now.

- Yes, it does. Why did you...?
- Just go.

I'll go. Just tell me,
why did you come to my room?

Why did you come to the room?

To talk about that kiss.

Oh, Hannah.

Please don't...
Don't marry him.

- All these years, Tom.
- Don't marry him.

All this time.
You're doing this now?

- I know.
- How can you do this?

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Just let me in.
- No, I can't.

Let me in.

You're only doing this now
because you're afraid of losing me.

I need someone
who's gonna be there for me

no matter what happens.

Someone who truly... loves me.

Someone I can trust.

I'm marrying Colin tomorrow...


I can't be
your maid of honor.

I can't give you away.

I'm sorry, Hannah.

I'm sorry
you and Tom had a fight.

I'm his best friend.

He's just afraid
of losing me.

He'll get over it.
- Aye.

- Can you just suck it? Suck it.
- Okay, okay. I am.

Suck it in.
Breathe in. More.

- Pull it! You can get into it!
- Pull it! I'll pull it tighter!

I'll hold, you zip it together.
Come on! One, two.


It didn't...

- Oh, my God, it fits.
- It fits!

Oh, it fits! It fits!

Up top.

- Why are we stopping?
- Unruly flock.


I remember you.


I love you too.

Thank you.

Turn around.
I have to go back.

Oh, no.

Shit. Shit! Shit!

Hey! I need another ferry boat.

- We've only got the one ferry.
- What?

It's waiting over there
for the ceremony to finish.

- Is there another way to get there?
- You can drive.

- Drive. Drive. How long?
- It'd take about an hour and a half.

- That's too long.
- You can swim.

- Swim?
- Well, you can go on foot around the shore.

But that would take a wee while.
- Shore. Foot.

A horse. A horse.
Hey, I need your horse.

- My horse?
- Yes.

- Hey, come down from there, you.
- I need to get to the church.

What do you think you're planning,
you great fool? You'll hurt yourself.

I'll tell you I'll give you: 3 cents for
every coffee collar used worldwide.


Do you have any idea
how much money that is?

Agh, good luck to you then.
Her name's Nancy.

Thanks. Nancy. Let's go!

Stick to the shoreline.

Past the monument.
The church is on the left.

What in the name of
the wee man is a coffee collar?


Let's just pin
these nice pressed pleats.

And it goes across the dress,
it looks really beautiful. It's our tartan.

That's it.

Please be seated.

We are gathered here
in the sight of God...

Boys, give me your pins. Pins.

- ... to join together this man
and this wo...

This is a celebration of love.

For Colin, it's through the memories
of seeing his parents' love as a child.

- It's very nice.
- And for Hannah,

it's through the paintings
of Modigliani.

Therefore, if any man
can show just cause

why they may not
be lawfully joined together,

let him now speak
or forever hold his peace.


Tom? Tom?

Tom. Tom.



Tom. Are you okay?

Yeah, I think so.

Tom, what are you doing here?

- I have to tell you something.
- Yeah.


Your hair looks awful.
- It does?

- Yeah.
- What?

And the sash...

it sucks.

Oh, no.

But that hair...

it's like a co-op
for parakeets.


Look... Hannah.

You know, I pride myself
on being honest with everybody.

But there's somebody I've been
lying to for a very long time:


Because the truth is...

Is scary.

And 10 years ago,
I got in bed with the wrong girl.

She turned out
to be the right one.

I love you, Hannah.

I always have.

And I always will.

Thomas Bailey...

you are the worst
maid of honor of all time.

Oh, no.



very truly sorry.

I don't expect you
to ever forgive me.

Just so you know...

you are the perfect guy.

Just not
the perfect guy for me.

Goodbye, Hannah.


What'd she say?

- She said I should deck you.
- Oh, yeah, that makes sense.


I do.

And, Tom, do you take Hannah
to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

Now, this is the moment.

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

At last,
you may kiss your bride.

Oh, my gosh.

- Number six?
- Seven.

You're absolutely glowing tonight,
grandma Pearl.

Thank you.

It's very nice of you
to say so.

What are you doing?

I'm just making sure
I got the right girl this time.

You do. Definitely.

Oh, Monica.

Oh, Bill.

Special thanks to SergeiK.