Miss March Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Miss March script is here for all you fans of the under-the-radar comedy. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Miss March quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Miss March Script

Careful, Tucker.

The floor is hot lava. You can't touch
the ground, or you'll burn up.

We gotta get to Craig's room
to get the treasure before we burn up.

- What's the treasure?
- Craig just got a MichaelJordan rookie card.

It cost him, like, a hundred bucks.


Did you know that in
MichaelJordan's first year with the Bulls...

MichaelJordan had 138 rebounds?

Yeah. But you know who
the Bulls rebound leader is, though?

- Yeah. Scottie Pippen.
- Yeah.

- Where's the card?
- It's in the closet in a shoe box.

He's got the MichaelJordan rookie card
and a Hank Aaron card.

It's not in mint condition,
but it's a good card.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

- Your brother's got a Playboy.
- No, he doesn't.

- What's a Playboy?
- A magazine with naked ladies.

What? He doesn't have that.

Look. Dude, I think your brother
can go to jail for this.

Shut up. Don't open it.

Is that what girls look like?

They look so weird.

How do they pee?

It must come out of those.


Oh, my God.

Look at that one.

- Tucker, you just stepped
on hot lava. You're on fire.
- Whatever.

 Give me some
of your sweetness, honey 

 Give me some
of that sweet thing now 

Oh, my God.

Look at the ass on that thing.

- Hello.
- What?

You could bounce a quarter off
that sweet turd-cutter.

Tucker, stop it.
That's Eleanore, our friend.

Her mom's my piano teacher.

Oh, man. I want her to
French-kiss my dick so bad.

Oh, my God.

 Give me some of that
sweetness, honey 

Look at this.

Jenny's tits are the exact
same size as Miss November's.

- I don't care.
- This means that this is
whatJenny looks like naked.

- That's amazing.
- That is amazing.

- Hi, Stacy.
- Drop dead.

- Hi, Sheila.
- Eat me, Tucker.

- Set the time and place.
- The two of you can eat shit and die.


Thank you. You know
she's friends with Cindi.

Now she's gonna tell her,
I'm gonna hear all about this. Good job.

Relax. Your girlfriend's gonna know
it wasn't you. She knows your deal.

Hey, Candace. Looking good.

Heard you went on the pill.

What the fuck did you just say to me?

Nothing. L-I didn't say anything.

Candace, uh, sorry.
I won't go out with you.

I just- I don't dig handicapped chicks.

I have epilepsy, you limp-dicked shit.

I'm not handicapped. It's a condition.

Tucker, if you so much as
make eye contact with me again...

my brother will kill you.

- He's a firefighter, and they're crazy.
- Okay, okay.

Deal. Deal. Deal.

Geez. What a bitch.

- What was that?
- Nothing. I didn't say anything.

Man, why do you even do these sermons?
They don't even pay you.

Tucker, I have told you.
They're not sermons, they're seminars.

I do them because I believe in them, and
I think kids need to hear this message.

I wish my brother
had had a seminar like this.

- Shh!

And now I'd like to bring up
Eugene Bell and Cindi Whitehall...

a young couple who will be graduating
from our high school this year.

Let's give a nice, warm
jefferson County Middle School welcome...

to Eugene and Cindi.

Come on!

Hey, gang.

We're here today to talk to you about one of
the most important decisions that you can make.

Now, I know at your age you guys
probably think all the older guys and gals...

are out there having sex.

- But Cindi and I...

have been in a relationship
for two and a half years now...

and we've decided to
save ourselves for marriage.

That's right, Eugene.

We have a happy, healthy romance...

and we don't need intercourse
to prove that.

I'd like to tell you guys
a story right now if I can.

This is a true story that happened to
my older brother, Craig.

Craig was a nice, normal kid,
just like me or you.

Then one night, he and his
girlfriend of two years...

decided to go all the way.

It was Craig's first time having sex...

and he thought, hey, what's
the worst thing that could happen?

He thought they were sharing
something very special.

But what she was sharing
with him was syphilis.

- He got syphilis.

Then she got pregnant, and
because she smoked cigarettes...

the baby came out a crackhead.

The once-happy couple soon broke up.

Craig had to drop out of high school
and work two jobs so he could keep up with...

the child support payments
and the medical bills.

But it didn't stop there.

One afternoon while my mother was babysitting
for Craig, the baby set the house on fire.

Because he was a crackhead.

My mother and little nephew
died in that blaze...

and the grief from that,
along with the advanced stages of syphilis...

which put an enormous amount
of pressure on Craig's frontal lobe...

drove him insane.

Today Eugene's brother
sits in a padded cell...

doing nothing but eating his own feces-

- and regretting the one time...

that he had sex.

- Whoa!

Here, buddy.

Lights, please.

This is a venereal disease.

- Hey.
- Hey. I'm in the tree.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Are your parents asleep?
- Yeah, they just went to bed.

Hey, so Tucker told me about this awesome
party this weekend after the dance.

I think we should totally go.

You want to go to a party
with Tucker after prom?

Yeah. I mean, that's-
that's what people do, right?

Eugene, did you think about
what we talked about?

Uh, yeah, you know, I did think about it.

But, like, I think I need a little bit more time
just to work everything out in my head...

like a month or just a couple of weeks...

'cause there's, like, a lot of factors.

Eugene, I love you. We've been going out
for two and a half years.

- I think we're ready.
- That's what Sandra said to Craig.

Oh, will you stop talking about
your crazy brother? That was a fluke.

My younger sister has sex all the time,
and neither of her babies are crackheads.

Cindi, I can't believe
what I'm hearing right now.

What about the seminar? What about
everything we said to those kids this afternoon?

I don't think that 15-year-old kids
should be having sex.

You have to wait until you find
that special someone.

But, Eugene, you are my special someone.

And if I'm not yours, then I think that we have
a whole other set of problems to worry about.

I'm gonna go to bed.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Cindi, wait.

I'll have sex with you on prom night.

You promise?

I promise I'll have sex
with you on prom night.

I love you, Eugene.

I love you, Cindi.

- Hello?
- Dude!

Five hours till you're chode deep.

Yes, I know that. Thank you.

Are you psyched? Are you psyched?

Yes, I'm very psyched.

- Did you shave your cock yet?
- What?

You gotta shave your cock.
It makes it look bigger.

Really? Wh- I'm not shaving my cock.

You have to. You gonna have shaved balls
and a hairy cock? That's gonna look weird.

I'm not shaving my balls either.

- Oh, my God.
- Tucker, I've got this, okay?

Eugene, no, you don't got this.

Look, man, I've already slept with 12 women.
That's punishable by stoning in some countries.

- That's great, Tucker.
- That is great.

And I've only been having sex
for two years. That's six women a year.

Do you know what that means?

That means in 10 years,
I'll have banged, like, 600 chicks.

Did you get the limo? I'm supposed
to pick Cindi up in half an hour.

Horsedick. MPEG's got it.
He's picking you up.

- Who is Horsedick. MPEG?
- Oh, that's Phil, man. That's his M.C. Name.

- Phil's M.C. Name is Horsedick?
- Dot-MPEG.

Dot-MPEG. That is so ridiculous.

Dude, you are so white.
And what's with this attitude?

This is gonna be the best
night of your life.

Look, I'm not even sure I'm ready to be
doing this. Do you have any helpful advice?

Do you have any tips on how I can make this
a wonderful, romantic night for Cindi...

and everything she wants it to be?

Shave your cock.


- Hold on. I think the limo's here.

- Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

 I'm gon'fuck a white bitch,
I'm gon'fuck a white bitch 

Man, I ain't seen this motherfucker in,
like, four-11 years or some shit.

I didn't know they let people that
dropped out of high school go to prom.

You're stupid!
You're stupid!

No, Crystal's still in high school.

I also didn't know
they let freshmen go to prom.

Well, they're gonna let us in there
when Horsedick. MPEG rolls up.

I'm about to sign me a record deal.

Horsedick's got a song on the Internet!

The Internet. Wow.

You know how many motherfuckers
use the Internet?

I know a lot do.

Half of them! I'm talkin' 'bout thousands
and thousands of motherfuckers, man.

And now my shit is up there.
Whoo! We celebratin;

Um, hey, Horsedick?

- Dot-MPEG!
- Dot-MPEG.

- Sorry.

Would you mind turning the music down just
a bit? We're almost to my girlfriend's house.

You can't turn Horsedick. MPEG down.

This is my shit. I made this.

I made this.
-  I'm gon'fuck a white bitch 

-  I'm gon'fuck a white bitch 
-  I made this shit 

- This is my shit! [Laughs]

 I'm gon' fuck a white bitch
I'm gon' fuck a white bitch 

Hi, Cindi. Hi, Mr. And Mrs. Whitehall.

- Hi.

That's some ride
you've got there, Eugene.

- Thank you.

- So, there won't be any drinking
going on tonight, will there?
- Dad.

No, sir. Not at all.

- Let me get a picture
of the two of you.

- Oh, Horsedick, you are nasty!

Hey, Daddy.

Come on, get in the car, baby!

Come here, motherfucker.

- Yeah!
- Spank it!

- Whoo!

I'm sorry.

I'm sure this is not as romantic
as you probably envisioned the prom.

Hey, everybody!

Denise is so wasted,
she's blowing Brian in the den.

- I'm gonna go get the keys
to the master bedroom.
- Okay.


- Meet me upstairs in five minutes?
- Sure.


Dude! Where's Cindi?

- Shouldn't you be banging her out by now?
- I'm about to bang her out.

- She just went upstairs.
- Yet you look like you're going to a funeral.

Tucker, I'm just
dealing with this in my own way.

"Dealing with this"?
You're not going upstairs to have surgery.

You're going upstairs
to have sex! With a girl!

And yeah, she may not be the most attractive
girl in school, but she's a solid, solid seven.

What? She's a seven?

Look, you've already decided to do this.

So you can go and trudge through it like
it's a chore and end up hurting her feelings...

or you can go enjoy yourself and have sex.

I know, I know.

Look, most guys end up losing their virginity
to some sort of stripper or one-night stand.

You're lucky enough to have it be with a
girl that you actually love, and loves you back.

You're right. You're right.

And that means she may let you do anal.

Thank you, Tucker. That was actually-
That was oddly helpful.

All right. I'm gonna do it.

- I'm gonna do it.
- Yeah!

- I'm gonna do it now.
- All right!

- I'm gonna have sex.
- Yes, you are.

- Oh, my God, I'm nervous.
- That, too, I can help you out with.

- A little whiskey always calms the nerves.
- Cheers!

You should probably have one more
since this is your first time...

'cause you'll explode
as soon as you get it in there.

- Gotta numb the senses.
- Really? That makes sense.

- Whoo!
- I am gonna do it.

Go for it, Eugene.
But one more for good luck.

Yeah. Good luck to me for having sex!

The next time you see me, I will be a man.

Go get 'em, Eugene-Wait!
That's not the hallway!


Whoa. Punked.

Okay, buddy, nowjust hold still.

I have an idea.

And... wake up!

- I knew it! I knew it would work.

- What the fuck is wrong with you, man?
- You're alive. Whoa!

What the fuck is going on?

- You probably can't move yet. You have atrophy.
- Why can't I move?

Why can't I move and hurt you?

Because you haven't used your body in,
like, four years. You gotta take it easy.

Tucker, what's happening? Why am I here?

You fell down the stairs after prom
and were in a coma for four years.

Then I saved your life,
because I'm a genius.

You! I told you no hit mister with the bat.

- Juanita, I brought him back to life.

- I told you the bat trick would work.
- ! Policía!! Policía!

- What the fuck is going on?
- Eugene, don't do that. You'll overexert yourself.

Oh! You're pooping!

Your body is in
an extreme state of atrophy...

but you're in surprisingly good shape for
someone who's been in a coma for four years.

You've healed from all the damage
you received in your initial fall...

so all that you'll need to recover from
is from the effects of the coma itself.

What about my face?

Yes, well, your nose was broken
by the force of the baseball bat...

and the frontal palate of your skull has
some pretty bad fractures.

But we've set most of that.

You were hit pretty hard though.

But you'll find over time...

that your muscle strength will return,
as well as bowel control.

- Until then, it's best to avoid
strenuous situations.

That's why you pooped.


Yeah, you did. A lot.

Lots of poop.

Like, almost four years worth of poop.

Should call you Poopy Pants.

Mr. Poopy Pants.

Sorry. Anyway, I'll let you get some rest.

I'm sure you and your friend
have some catching up to do.

- Oh, and, Tucker, off the record-
- Yeah?

I like your style.

 Fuck me a white- 

I can't believe
I've been here for four years.

Yeah. You gotta watch
where you're walking.

It doesn't feel like four years ago.

I feel like just five seconds ago
I was getting wasted with you...

and going upstairs to have sex.

Wait a minute. How come
just you're here? Where's Cindi?

- Where's my Dad?
- Oh, his job moved him down to Florida.

What? He left me in the hospital?

Well, dude, you were a vegetable.

Besides, he still has an apartment here.

- What about Cindi?
- Oh, I don't know where she is.

- Well, give me your cell phone.
- No, I don't know where she is.
She moved after graduation.

- She left me too?
- You were a vegetable.

Then how come you're still here?

'Cause we're homeys, dude. Lock it up.

I can't believe she would
just leave me like that.

She was around for a little while...

but then she got into college and it really
didn't look like you were gonna wake up.

I mean, it took me four years
to figure out the bat trick.

I tried to look her up
about a year or so ago...

but she dropped out after freshman year,
and the trail goes cold.

Tucker, I appreciate you
being here. L- I really do.

But I think right now
I just need to be alone for a while.

Okay, man.

I'll check on you tomorrow.

Besides, I got a date with the old lady.

Wait. You have a girlfriend?

Well, I'm not the kind of guy...

that gets chained down to one woman...

but lately I've been banging Candace.

That crazy handicapped chick?

Hey. Epilepsy, dude. It's a condition.

Plus, it's kind of hot.
She, like, vibrates.


All right.

Okay, looking good. Looking good.

Bobby, you wanna sit up
real straight for me there?

- Sit up straight, sweetie.
- All right.

Everybody say, "Fuzzy pickles."

Fuzzy pickles.

That was great. That was great.

I'm gonna try one more, and let me
work with Mommy for a second.

All right, let's see.

Let's brush some of this hair away
from Mommy's neck-

Bring out Mommy's pretty neck.

That's good. That's good. Okay.

Let's have a couple wisps
hang down here by the nape of the neck.

That's good. That looks great. There we go.

And here, position three-quarters
there like that. Okay? Like that.

That's good. That's good.

- Like that, and-
- Okay, okay.

- Okay, that's enough playful, pal.
- It's gonna be good.

All right, stay like that.

It's gonna be good. Okay, now
everybody say, "Mommy's a vision."

Mommy's a vision.

Do not run away.
Hey, this is big-time stuff.

Mr. Biederman is extremely upset.

He brings his family in for a photo
and you turn that into soft-core pornography.

He's crazy. I think he does drugs.

Well, he said that you unbuttoned
his wife's shirt.

He said you handed her
your phone number as she was leaving.

- What the "H", bro? Come on!
- Some mail came for you.

Sweet. New Playboy.

How many times have I told you not to
have that delivered here? About a million?

Why doesn't anybody
listen to me, ever? Jesus!

Oh, my God.


Pack your bags, Eugene. I found her.

- No, no, no. You cannot be here.
- Juanita, vámonos.

- I found Cindi.
- What? Where?

- Right there.


I can't believe Cindi would do this.

She's changed, man. She's all growed up.

The girl next door is now
one of The Girls Next Door.

Oh, my God. It says one ofher likes
is sex on the beach.

Calm down. That could just be the drink.

Tucker, do you think
that Cindi's still a virgin?

Let's see.

No, afraid not.

- Oh, my God.
- This is perfect.

How is this perfect?

This Saturday is Playboy's
annual anniversary bash.


So, this Saturday
all the Playmates, including Cindi...

are gonna be at the Playboy Mansion...

mingling with guests,
sipping slightly alcoholic beverages.

- Yeah, but, Tucker-
- Dude, this is meant to be.

What are the odds that this issue would
come out right now...

as you're getting out of your coma?

I guess.

This is true love speaking. True love doesn't
speak often, but it's speaking to us now.

It's telling us to go
to the Playboy Mansion.

Yeah, but, Tucker,
I can't even walk here, man.

- You're getting a little better every day, right?
- Yeah.

So the party's Saturday night. That means
we have to catch a plane Saturday morning.

It's Thursday today, so that gives us
three days to get you on your feet.

Think you can do it?

- I can try.
- Yes! That's the spirit!

We're going to the Playboy Mansion!

- Yeah! Playboy!
- Ow!

Mister, you have a telephone
call from a Mr. Bell.

- Dad?
- Eugene?

- Hey, sport.
- Hey, Dad.

I can't tell you how glad I was when
they told me you came out of that coma.

- That's great. That's really great.
- Yeah.

Um, it's been weird here.

This actually works out great, 'cause I'm
gonna be up there in a few weeks on business.

In a few weeks?

- That's right, buddy.

Oh, wait a minute.
I'm getting another call.

- You know what? It's Japan.
I'm gonna have to take this.
- Okay.

- Okay, but in a few weeks-

- What?

Oh, shit. Is this still Eugene? Hold on.


Wow. This is the nicest place
you've ever taken me to, Tucker.

- Yeah. They don't even
have a drive-through.

Sir, may I help you?

Yeah, we'll take a plate
ofTater-Tots and... Jäger?

- TwoJägers.
- Excellent choice, sir.

- Wanna get your picture taken with the waiter?
- Could I?

Come on, closer.

- And

- Awesome.
- Very good.

So, Tucker, I got you
an anniversary present.

- I know.
I'm sorry.

I know how you feel about that term,
but it was 13 months ago tonight that-

That we did each other for the first time.

Yes, that we did each other
for the first time.

This is just a little something
to say that it's been a great 13 months.

- Thank you.
- Cool! A card.

Is there a check?

No, there's no check.
It's an anniversary card.

You got me the Black Billiard.

This is just like the pipe
that Hugh Hefner used to smoke.

I know.

Candace, you're, like,
so totally the coolest girl in the world.

So, where are we going after this?

Don't you worry about it, babe.
I got it all planned out.

Tonight is gonna be awesome.

What was that? Who is that?

- What the fuck?

- Tucker?
- We gotta go, man. Get your stuff.

- What are you talking about? What's going on?
- We gotta go. Now, now, now.

- We're not leaving till Saturday.
- Plans change.

I'm not ready!

No. No! You can't be here!
He's stealing the mister!

Tucker, what the fuck is going on?

We have to get out of town.
I'll explain in the car.

- Get out of town?
- There he is! That son of a bitch!

- Detour, Eugene.
- Let me at him!

You're a dead man,
Tucker Cleigh! A dead man!

- Mister!
- Tucker, what the hell is happening?

Ah! Jesus! Oww!

- There's a ramp right there!
- No time for the ramp.

Hey, hey, take it easy. Hey!


Tucker, I can't even walk here.

If I take a shit in your car,
it's gonna be a pretty short trip.

Stop! You can't take the mister!

! Policía! He's not ready!

- Good-bye, Juanita.
I'll bring him back in one piece.

! Pendejo!

Okay, Tucker, what is going on?
What's wrong with your balls?

- I got to get rid of this cell phone.
They can track it.
- What are you talking about?

What's going on? Slow down
and tell me what happened.

- I had a problem with Candace.
- Obviously.

What kind of problem?

Well, it was the 13-month anniversary...

of when Candace and I
first started boning.

- Okay.
- So I wanted to do something
really nice and special.

So we got tanked at this really nice
restaurant and then ditched out on the check.

Then we poured some Maker's into a 3-liter of
Coke and did donuts in the Wendy's parking lot.

It was pretty sweet.

Everything was going great.
Then I went to give her her present.

Come into the living room.
I got you something.

Oh, Tucker, that's so sweet.

- What is it? What is it?
- Ta-da!


A stripper pole.

A stripper pole?

Happy 13 months boning.

- Tucker.
- Come on, go do a dance.

Do a sexy strip dance or something.

I don't know.

Miss January of this year...

said that 90% of the reason
that relationships fall apart...

is because people don't
spice up the bedroom.

- We're in the living room.
- I know.

Huh? Come on, give it a spin.

- Come on.

Yeah, there you go.

 I love myself
I want you to love me 

-  When I'm feelin'down I want you above me 
- Yeah, go on.

 I search myself
I want you to find me 

 I forget myself
I want you to remind me 

- Go on.

So anyway, then she kind of
started to get into it.

 Anybody else 

 When I think about you
I touch myself, ohh-ohh-oh 

You look so awesome right now!

Then she started to, like, really
get into it. Man, it was awesome.

She was whipping her hair around,
sticking her butt up in the air.


Then she started to go downtown,
if you know what I mean.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Oh, that feels good.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, that's awesome.

Man, it was great.
Perfect form, lots of tongue.

Hey, check it out. Strobe lights.

You're biting! You're biting! Candace?
You're biting, Candace!

You're biting! Candace!
You're biting me! Candace!

I don't know.
Candace must just hate strobe lights.

Tucker, that was probably the epilepsy.

Don't make jokes, man.

I didn't know what to do, so I panicked
and I grabbed a fork off the counter...

and I stabbed her in the face!

- Oh, my God!
- I know!

I didn't know what to do. I panicked.

- So you stabbed her?
- I thought she was gonna bite my dick clear off.

- Oh, my God!
- I know!

No wonder she looked so pissed off.

Okay, that's terrible, but why
do we have to get out of town like this?

- Oh, no! Her brother!
- You're gonna die tonight, Tucker Cleigh.

Her brother's a fireman.

Have you ever met one of them?
They're crazy.

- They must have put an A.P.B. Out on my plates.
- What?

Roll up your window! Roll up your window!

- What's he gonna do now?

Tucker, do something!

Stupid firemen.

- Can't turn their trucks around.
- My God.

Okay, Tucker, have you put
any thought into this at all?

The Playboy Mansion is on the other side
of the country. That's a long way to drive.

Well, the country is,
like, 10 states wide.

Each state is roughly a hundred miles across,
so that's like a thousand miles.

We're moving at 60 miles an hour.

We should be there in, like, 600 minutes.

Okay, well, not one part of that
was correct, so let me ask you this.

Have you thought about how we're gonna
get into the mansion once we arrive?

-  I'm-a love a white girl
I'm-a love a white girl 

- Wait a minute. Is this Horsedick?

- Dot-MPEG.
- Dot-MPEG.

- Did he change his lyrics?
- Yeah, this is the radio-friendly version.

Wait a minute. Horsedick's on the radio?

Yeah, man. He blew up.
He's like the biggest star on the planet.

They even play his song
during Monday Night Football.

I'm asleep for four years.

My dad moves out of town, my girlfriend's
in Playboy, and your stupid friend is famous.

Yep. It's kind of like
when Han got unfrozen in jedi.

Yeah, it's exactly like
when Han got unfrozen in jedi.

Yo, what's up, everybody?
You know who that was.

Horsedick. MPEG with the track
"I'm-a Love a White Girl';...

offhis multi-platinum CD Donkey Dong.

- Pick it up if you ain't heard!

Wait a minute. If Horsedick's
the most famous person in the world...

then he could get into
the Playboy Mansion, right?

Oh, yeah. He could just walk right in.

We should totally get Horsedick.
MPEG to get us in!

He lives in Chicago. He's always
trying to get me to come up and visit.

He'd be totally down to fly us
out to L.A. And hook us up.

Good idea, Tucker.

Okay. Well, at least we have
a plan now- Horsedick.

That's our plan. Horsedick.

- Dot-MPEG.
- Dot-MPEG.

All points bulletin.

Be on the lookout for a Tucker Cleigh.

White male, six foot five.
No visible tattoos.

Last seen April 17.

I just can't believe
the firemen were that angry.

Dude, firemen
breathe noxious fumes all day.

It's their job. Makes them psycho.

I guess that makes sense.

Trust me, dude. Firemen are bad news.

Hey, Tucker, I don't really want
to go in there dressed like this.

Can you get me like a shirt, some pants,
and I think a hoodie would be good.

Sure, no sweat. Just fill her up for me.

Wh- No! Tucker!

I have atrophy!




Hey, this is Candace.

I can't come to the phone right now because
I'm out hunting down my piece-of-shit boyfriend.

- Leave a message.

Uh, h-hi, Candace.

That's a-That's a pretty funny message.

Um, look...

l-I just wanted to call
and talk about what you did.

Um, I want you to know
that I'm not mad at you...

and I realize that you seemed...

a little...


And I may have overreacted
a little bit to you biting me.

But... you know how I am.

My brain just shuts down whenever
I feel like I'm close to getting some.

Anyway, I just-

I hope this doesn't get in the way of us
hooking up and hanging out and stuff-

Because I really like doing that.

I mean, not like we're
exclusive or anything.

By the way, did your answering machine
say "my boyfriend"?


I mean, we've talked about that.

Um, anyway, I guess
I'm just trying to say...

I forgive you.

I just hope...

you're not gonna be a dick about this.

Okay, bye.

Well, I think I patched
things up with Candace.

Why is your dress all wet?

Give me my clothes.


That shirt's awesome, man.

I'm getting pretty tired.

- Do you want to get a motel or something?
- No, man, I'm wired.

I ate, like, 10 packets of those Horny Goat
Weed stamina things at the gas station.

You can get some shut-eye though.

All right, just wake me
if you need me, okay?

And, Tucker...

thank you for everything.

No problem, dude.
We're homeys. Lock it up.

- Hey! Hey!

- Whoa! Sorry.
- Asshole!

Just watch the road. Okay?

Will do.

Good night.

Hey, Eugene.

- Want to party?
- Cindi.

I got tired of waiting for you,
Eugene, so I went out and I blew everyone.

- No! Cindi!
- Why did you have to get drunk, Eugene?

- Why couldn't you just make love to me?
- No! I'm sorry!

You've turned me into a whore, Eugene.

This is a venereal disease, Eugene...

and I have thousands of them.

- No!
- I'm just like your brother, Eugene!

Just like your brother!


What state are we in?

- Hey! Tucker!
- What?

Sorry about that.

I started drinking all this NyQuil because that
Horny Goat Weed was giving me the jitters.

- There's clothes in this bag
if you want them.

But I feel good to go now.
We don't need to stay here.

Tucker, you can't drive all night long
without sleep. It's not safe.

I got some sleep in the car. I'm serious.

We could go get our money back
from the motel, jump back in the car...

be in Chicago in a couple hours, and then
by this time tomorrow be at the mansion.

Tucker, it's 4:00 in the morning.

The stupid fucking mansion can wait.

The stupid what-ing mansion?

Oh, God.

That mansion is a historical
and cultural landmark...

where some of the greatest minds
have gathered to exchange ideas and-

And watch naked ladies
take baths together. Yes, I know.

Oh, my God.
You don't know.

I need to give you a crash course
in sophistication and the Playboy way.

You're gonna give me
a lesson in sophistication?

Yeah. I've had a subscription
to this magazine for, like, 13 years.

God, you're right, Tucker.
Teach me more about etiquette.


Here, put this on.

Ow. I don't wanna.

Put it on.

This is a bathrobe. We'll probably be issued
one of these when we get to the mansion.

It's the western equivalent
of the Greek toga.

There's a stain on mine.

It signifies both power and leisure.

Say that with me-

power and leisure.

Say it. Power and leisure.

Power and leisure.

Good. Now, lesson two.

When you get to the mansion
and you see a pretty girl...

you can't just walk up to her
and ask her to have sex with you.


You have to engage her in
stimulating conversation first.

Find out who she is.

Ask her questions like
what is her favorite animal...

or what's her most embarrassing moment?

This is a pipe.

Smoking a pipe is the equivalent
of wearing a fine tuxedo.

- This usually never happens.
- Shut up, Tucker.

Uh-oh, dude, here come the firemen.

Uh-oh, dude, here come the firemen.

They know about Candace!

- Come on. Get in.

- We must be three states away!
- Firemen talk, dude.

You're a dead man, Tucker Cleigh!

How's that atrophy coming?

Are you still mad?

Hey, do you want to
get something to eat or anything?

Well, how much money do we have?

Because we just spent 75 bucks on a motel
room that we got to use for all of five minutes.

Let's see. I've got... seven dollars.

Do you have any money?

No, I don't have any money.
I don't have a bank account.

I've been in a coma since high school.

Okay. Seven bucks.

Seven bucks should be enough
to feed the both of us.

- Are you mad?
- Yes, I'm mad!

What kind of fuckin' idiot goes on a
cross-country road trip with less than $100?

Well, to be fair, dude,
I had to buy you all those clothes...

and you're the one
that wanted to stay at the motel.

You had to buy clothes for me
because you kidnapped me...

and I wanted the motel
because you almost killed me!

But then wait! You burned down the motel
and almost killed me yet again.

And then you pissed off firemen
and almost got me killed yet another time!

- I think you're overreacting a little bit.
- I am not overreacting!

I am trying to reclaim my life here, Tucker,
and you're not taking this seriously.

This is all some dumb excuse
for you to go to the mansion...

so you can finally rub up on all those strippers
you've been dreaming about your whole life.

Rub up? Strippers?

We talked about this last night...

and I will not allow that sort of filth
or degrading speech...

in my car!

Oh, look! Horsedick.

- Speak.
- Just got a visual confirmation.

They've been spotted
in Chicago.

 Uh, wh-what did you say 

 You know who it is 

 Suck my dick
while I fuck that ass, hey 

 Suck my dick
while I fuck that ass, hey 

 Suck my dick
while I fuck that ass, hey 

 Suck upon my dick
while I fuck that ass, hey 

 Suck my dick
while I fuck that ass, hey 

 Suck upon my dick
while I fuck that ass, hey 

 Suck my dick
while I fuck that ass, hey 

 Suck upon my dick
while I fuck that ass, hey 

 Your dick while you fuck my ass 

- Yeah. Quit singin'-
-  Your dick while you fuck my ass 

- and suck my dick!
-  Your dick while you fuck my ass, hey 

- You know, these lyrics don't even make any sense.
- What?

Shut up, Eugene.
This song is awesome.

I wish Candace were here.
She would love this song.

Tucker, if Candace were here right now,
she would try and kill you.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

 Suck my dick
while I fuck that ass, hey 

 Suck my dick
while I fuck that ass, hey 

 Suck upon my dick
while I fuck that ass 

 Suck my dick
while I fuck that ass, hey 

 Suck my dick
while I fuck that ass, hey 

 Suck my dick
while I fuck that ass, hey 

 Suck upon my dick
while I fuck that ass, hey 

 That ass, hey 

 Suck my dick
while I fuck that ass 


Cut! That's a wrap.

Great job, Horsedick. MPEG.
Hip-hop is back!

- You think they're gonna get the message though?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Yo, Horsedick.
- Yo, yo, yo.

- You know these dudes, man?

Hell, yeah! Tucker Cleigh
from the down S. C!

- What up, brother?

- How you feel, man?
- Great, man. Thanks for letting us visit your shoot.

- Of course. Any time.
- You remember Eugene from prom?

- Oh, the Stairmaster. How you doin', man?
- Good.

I heard you was all
Regarding Henry and shit.

- Yeah, I was in a coma for a while.
- That's cool.

I see you've been doin' really well.

Thanks, bro. Man, my last CD dropped,
motherfuckers got killed at the Tower Records.

- Motherfuckers got killed!
- Whoa. That's awesome.

Thank God. You know what I'm sayin'?
What brings y'all to Chicago?

- We just came to see you, dog.
- Okay.


Oh, and we were wondering if you could
get us into the Playboy Mansion.

Wow, Horsedick. You're very generous with
your time and resources.

Anything for my bro, man.
Come on. Lock it up. Come on. Lock it up.

See? I told you Horsedick
would hook us up.

We're gonna have you back in Cindi's arms
in no time. Then you can finally have sex.

Finally have sex? You a virgin?

- Are you tellin' me you're
-Turn the music off!

Do you mean to tell me
you have never been with a woman?


I was going to in high school,
but, uh, then I fell down the stairs.

Crystal! Janine!

Get your asses in here
and have sex with this man!

- Oh, no, Horsedick.
- Dot-MPEG.

Dot-MPEG, yes. That's not necessary.

I'm saving myself, uh,
for my girlfriend...

who's gonna be at the party...

so thank you, but I'm gonna wait.

- I'll have sex with those girls.
- Come hook my brother up.

I gotta take a shit.

- You okay with just Crystal?
- Yeah, that's cool.

Come on, baby.

You and me gonna have a long talk.

We gonna smoke this here,
and you gonna tell Uncle Horsedick...

exactly what the problem is.

Thank you again,
Horsedick. MPEG, but I don't smoke.

Look here, man.

This is a party bus.

There's only one rule on a party bus-
You got to party.

So you're either gonna fuck
one of them girls, or you smoke this "J."

We out of toilet paper!

 Bounce that, bounce that 

 Know that I'm a better man 

 So now you can know my name 

 Girl, you gotta bounce that 

 Nonstop to the break of dawn 

 Know that I'm a better man 

 Whoa, whoa 

I gotta warn you,
I'm a little drunk, so...

this could take two or three minutes.

-  Sittin'on the pillow like a porno star
- Shh.

 See-through panties
and a push-up bra 

 Look so good 

I don't understand it. I mean, how much
can a person change in four years?

It's, like, I knew her.

You know, like, I really knew her.

Then you wake up,
and she's a completely different person.

This bitch one time...

tore my heart out, man, for reals, yo.

- Oh, Horsedick.
- Dot-MPEG.


You know, I think
I'm startin' to feel high.

I don't even know where I am.

What was we talking about?

 Take that off

- You like this?
- Uh- Uh-huh.

You want this?

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

Then come and get it.

-  You comin'one more time 

Goddamn! Hey, Charlie!
Control this motherfuckin'bus!

Crazy-ass bus driver.

 Girl, you gotta bounce that 

 So now you can know my name 

 Know that I'm a better man 

 So now you can know my name 

 Girl, you gotta bounce that 

 Nonstop to the break of dawn 

She said the most...

mean, hurtful things...

to people...

and they laughed at me.

And it was-

So that's why, you know, I'm a dog now.

Cut through bitches like water.

No emotional attachment.
Ain't that right, Tuck?

- Huh? What?
- How was it back there, man?

Good. Real- Really good.

- I gotta go to bed.
- Ha! Ha-ha-ha!

He's tired! That's what I'm talkin' about!

When you give something to a bitch...

they don't do nothin' but take.

That's why I don't give 'em
nothin'but the dick.

'Cause they can't take that away.

You'll see tomorrow at the mansion.

We'll run a train on, like,
seven, eight, nine, 11 of them honeys!

Ain't a Playmate there I ain't tagged yet.

Wait a minute. What?

All of them, dog.

Okay. Horsedick,
you couldn't have "hit" all of them.

- I mean, that's crazy.
- Miss January on my dick.

Miss February on my dick.

- Miss March?
- On my dick, dog!

Cindi Whitehall.
Have you had sex with her?

Man, I had that bitch
screamin' like her house was on fire.

She was chompin' down on my dick
like it was a hot-dog eating contest...

and she was some little Asian dude.

What the fuck?

Get the fuck back here, you pervert!

I hope you get V.D.
And your dick falls off!

Cindi would never sleep with you!

Oh, fuck.

You all right, man?

She slept with him.

She slept with a shallow,
ignorant asshole like that!

How could she do that?

I don't even know what I'm doing out here,
Tucker. She's gone!

She's not gone, man.
She just had sex with a guy.

She's still Cindi.

But we had something special.

You wouldn't understand, Tucker.

Come on, man.

We got a long way to walk.

Man, I wish Candace were here.

Really? Again?

She's trying to kill you.

Yeah. She has a car though.

We have 12 hours
to get across two states.

- Hey!

People are assholes.

Someone will stop.
Don't worry, dude. Things work out.

No, they don't. Things do not work out.

- I am living proof of that.

Are you boys looking for a ride?

Here is the deal.
I am Katja. This is my girlfriend, Vonka.

Your... girlfriend?

Yes. We're lesbians. Does that bother you?

No. No. No.

We're driving to Los Angeles,
but we are just so madly in love...

that we can't keep our hands
off each other.

We have to make out
and make love all the time.

- Oh.
- Oh.

So we need you boys
to drive the car to Los Angeles...

so we can get crazy in the backseat...

and make love and suck
and fuck each other the whole way.

Can you boys do that?

Yeah. Yeah. We-We can do that.


Oh. Right there. Katja!

Whoa! Aah!

- Is there going to be a problem?
- No. No.

You almost make me bite Vonka's labia.

Oh, sweet God.

Thirty miles to Los Angeles.
We're almost there.

Is this going to happen
every five minutes?

No. No. I got it. I got it.

- No.

Ain't seen shit in here.

- Speak.

One of our trucks saw them
heading into Los Angeles.

Los Angeles. Of course.

Yeah, but the trail goes cold after that.

No, it doesn't.

You tell your men I know
exactly where he's going.

- Look, lesbians! Palm trees.

You know, lesbians,
I didn't want to say anything before...

but the car is really starting to smell.

So we have an hour till this thing starts.
You know where the mansion is?

10228 Charring Cross Road,
Los Angeles, California, 90024.

What's up, boys and girls?
I'm Carrie Keagan...

and we're at Playboy's
annual anniversary bash.

I heard Horsedick. MPEG
is actually in the mansion right now.

Wow. I can't believe we made it.

My God. We're 20 minutes late.
They've already started the party.

Look. I think right there
is where you sign in.

Oh, no. You have to be on that list.

Oh, man. We are way out of our league.
How the hell are we gonna get in here?

We need some sort of angle.

- Oh, God!

Hey there, everybody.
We are here to party.

- Just here with our dates now.
- Yeah. Not bad, huh?

Pretty good. Hey, those
are our dates. Hey, lesbians!

- Those are our-
- Ow!

- Whoo!
- Wow. Ow! Ow!

- That didn't work. Now what do we do?

- Firemen!

- It's a trap.

Wait a minute. What the hell's going on?
There's no fire here.

Sure there is. All right, men.
Keep your eyes peeled.

He's around here somewhere.

Cover the rear, gentlemen. Come on!
Let's move! Let's move, let's move!

Go on, move, move!


- I think I have a plan.
- What?

- Follow me.
- No, Tucker. Wait!

I'm afraid.

Sorry about this, fellas.

We're just dumb firemen
trying to do our jobs.

 Come and get me to it 

-  Show me how to do this 
-  Love my body Touch my body 

 Get your body movin'

-  You like how I do it 
-  Kiss my body, kiss my body 

just sittin'here watching your curves
thinking it worked 

 Thinking my vision's blurred 

All right, boys! Keep your eyes peeled
for that son of a bitch Tucker Cleigh!

We have word he's at this party!

Uh-uh. You gotta go to
the back of the line, lady.

Yeah, have fun at the party.
Let her in! Let her in.

Damn. Bitch is crazy.

Okay. First things first.

Gotta get rid of these outfits
and get poolside.

What? Tucker, you can't ditch your outfit.
What if the firemen see you?

I can't work like this. Firemen
never get laid. Everyone knows that.

- People hate firemen.
- What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna go mingle.
There's three girls for every guy at this party.

Okay. Fine. Do me a favor and keep
your eyes peeled for Cindi, all right?

Okay. Good luck.

Hey, ladies.

I'm from South Carolina.

Hey, gorgeous.
So-What are your hobbies?

- My hobbies?
- Yeah. You know-

What are your turn-ons?

Shit. Where's my pepper spray?


Hey, girl of my dreams.


Hey! All right. MI LF.

- I'm 25.
- Really?

Fuck off.

Sara Jean Underwood...

Playmate of the Year, 2007?

- That's me.
- Oh, my God! It's such an honor to meet you!

- Aw. Why, thank you.
- I'm Tucker Cleigh.

And who is this little guy?

Oh, this is Puddles, and he's a rescue.
I got him from the pound last week.

Oh, no way.
I call the pound all the time.

- You do?
- Yeah. Last week even.

Some loser lost his jerk Labrador...

'cause I caught him going
through my trash looking for food.

And you sent this
"jerk Labrador" to the pound?

- Big time.
- That's horrible.

No. I know. I mean, what? Why?

Because they put dogs
to sleep at the pound.

They were gonna put Puddles here down
'cause he was sick and nobody would adopt him.

So I took him home with me and I've
slowly been nursing him back to health.

Whoa. That's so weird.

It is?

I mean, I just- I didn't realize
that human beings...

could nurse dogs.

I'm not literally nursing him.

Oh! I thought you meant with your-

I'm sorry. I was-
I was thinking about... your boobs.

- I mean, because that sort of
stuff does happen nowadays...

especially with modern times.

And I've seen that
on the Internet a bunch.

You've seen a lot of that
on the Internet?

Yeah, I mean-

Some girls will even have s-
make love to dogs on the Internet.

Not that that's good at all,
'cause that's bad-

Unless you do that, and then,
whatever. I'm not judging.

I'm sorry, Tucker.
Who is it that you're here with again?

L-I'm sorry. I have such
a problem with rambling...

especially when I'm
meeting people like you.

I'm always blowing first impressions.

Can we just start over?
Give me another chance.

Can I get you a drink or anything?

That's sweet, Tucker, but I actually
have to take Puddles out to the lawn.

- He has to go to the bathroom pretty badly.
- I'll take him to the bathroom!

No, that's really not necessary.

I insist. It's the least I can do.

- Please?
- Okay.

Okay, Tucker. You win.

You won't regret this,
Playmate of the Year, 2007!

Bring him right back!

Oh, my God! That is the cutest
little dog I've ever seen!

- Is it yours?
- Um-

- What is his name?
- I think it's, uh-

Oh, my God! Look at his little feet!

I love men with dogs.

- Really?
- Yeah.

My last boyfriend hated dogs.
Such an asshole!

I mean, what kind of psycho
doesn't like dogs?

And that's just when I knew
that he was not for me.

I mean, look at his little paws!

- Yeah, they're pretty small.
- I know, right?

Oh. Oh, uh-

Mmm. What?

- Nothing.
- I just want to talk to you all night.

Can you get me, like, another drink?

Wow! You're good!

This tastes like shit!

I mean, the other one
tasted different, you know.

- It tasted like- I don't know-
- Pee?

No! You're funny.

Okay. Here's the plan.
I'm gonna go use the little girls'room.

You're gonna go find me
some more of the good stuff.

And then we're gonna rendezvous
back here in, like, five minutes, okay?

And make sure you bring him!

Okay. Bye.

... cute T-shirt.

I'm, like, that's cool.
Whatever. Make a wish.

Then this little motherfucker...

hits me... and poops all over my bus.

Man, I hate poop.

I'm hopin' those little shits
do make it over here.

Gonna kill that little bitch.
He's gonna suck my dick.

I'm-a just gonna hold
his little dead head right there.

That's what's up, man.

That's what's up.

Come on, Puddles. Come on.
Come on, Puddles. Come on.

What's the matter? Here we go. Here we go.

- Here we go. Here we go.
Put it over that and go.

Puddles, go to the bathroom.

What's the matter?

Maybe you're empty.

Um- No. Here we go. A little beer?

Little beer. Little bit of beer.

- Little bit of-
- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Puddles!

What the shit?

- Oh! Sorry.
- Hi. May I help you?

Um, no. No, thank you.

Actually, yeah. Have you seen
Cindi Whitehall around here?

Oh, my God. Are you a stalker?

- We have a 2-14!
- What? I'm not a stalker.

Oh, good. What are you drinkin'?

Nothing. Never mind.

So we're goin'at it there in
the driveway, and she's, like...

"Oh, my God, this is the best
sex I have ever had."

And I'm, like,
"Everyone keeps telling me that."

Isn't that weird?


The Grotto.

Um, excuse me, sir.
I'm looking for Cindi Whitehall.

- What you want with Cindi Whitehall?
- Oh, I'm her boyfriend.

- Or I was her boyfriend,
but then we got separated.
- We got a 2-14.

No, no, no. I'm not a stalker.
Ow! I'm not a stalker!

I came across the country
just to see her!

Hey, l-

Cindi. Cindi!

No, Cindi! I'm her boyfriend
from high school!

- Eugene?
- We were sweethearts in high school!

- Cindi!
- Eugene?

Oh! Candace!

Good to see you.

I was worried sick.

Uh, how are you?

Your face looks-

Comin' along.

By the way, sorry about that.

Did I ever tell you that,
'cause I'm not sure-

- You get back here, Tucker Cleigh!
- There he is! Everybody move!

Ow! Let me go! Ow!

- Ow!
- You're gonna sit your ass here
till the police show up!

I need to talk to Cindi!
I'm not a stalker! I know her!

Quick! To the second floor!

- Fan out!

- Check on this floor!
- Yes, sir!

Come on, boys. He went that way.

Lesbians! Help me break this door down.

Where are the bedrooms?

Vonka and I thought of a new position,
and we need a bed against a wall.

There's bedrooms through this door!
And Jacuzzis too.

- There are?
- Jacuzzis?

- Yeah. But it's locked. You gotta help me.
- Step aside.

- Okay. Come on. Go, go, go, go, go!
- There he is! Get him!

Good idea, lesbians!

Lesbians! Lesbians!

What seems to be the problem, son?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I can't look. I can't look.
I can't look, I can't look.

- Oh! Oh! I can't- Oh, my God!
- Relax, son. What's your name?

Oh! Tucker Cleigh, sir.

And I am your biggest fan.

I try to apply your methods and principles
to every aspect of my life.

Oh, yeah? How's that workin'out for you?

- Good! Great. Awesome.
- Well, that's great.

The party's outside. Have a good time.

Something wrong?

Well, yeah, actually.

Things haven't been going
so great for me lately.

I mean, I'm here at the Playboy Mansion...

- I'm still striking out.

I don't get it.

Have a seat, son.



Oh, my God! I can't believe this!

- When did you wake up?
- About three days ago.

- How did you find me?
- It wasn't too hard.

- What does that mean?
- Where have you been?


- Where have you been?
- I've been a couple of places.

- Been working.
- Working?

Working as what? A whore?

- Stop that! I know him.
- Ow!

Sorry, miss. It just really sticks in my craw
when people disrespect women.


Eugene, how could you say
something like that?

- You left me!
- Eugene, l-

You left me in a hospital bed
when I needed you the most.

Eugene, you were in a coma for four years.

Yeah! I was in a coma, and you've been
running around doing God knows what.

- What are you talking about?
- You're doing pornography.

You're posing naked for everyone to see.

- Eugene.
- How many guys have you slept with, Cindi?

100? 200?

Ow! Ah.

Just imagine how you would feel, Cindi...

if you woke up one morning...

and everyone that you loved
had left you...

and your dad had bailed on you...

and the one person that you thought
would always be there for you...

is out flashing her tits to the world...

and blowing everyone she meets. Ow!

So, you-you have a girlfriend.

Yeah, and she's great.
She's the coolest chick I've ever met.

Most girls want to kill me
after two or three nights...

and it took her 13 whole months.

Then what's the problem?
Sounds like you found a great girl.

She is great. It's just-

I can't get settled down yet.
I have to hit a respectable quota.

Tucker, it's the quality,
not the quantity...

of the relationships that counts.

But you're dating seven women at once.

Here. Look at this.

Oh! Gross!

- That's Gertrude VonBrauer.
- What's wrong with her eye?

- It's dead.
- Aah!

Gertrude was my next door neighbor.

Our childhood friendship
blossomed into a romance by high school.

Hef, no!

Tucker, yes.

Gertrude VonBrauer
was the love of my life.

But she's, like...

the worst-looking person I have ever seen.

Give me back that photograph.

Gertrude died when she was 18 years old.

Oh, thank God.

Tucker, the point I'm trying to make...

is that when you find
that special someone in your life...

you have to hold on to them.

Now, I've known
quite a few women in my life...

and I've had a phenomenal sex life.

But I'd trade it all in
for just one more afternoon...

with this young 18-year-old girl
from Milford, Kentucky.

Who's busted.

Tucker, there's a bunny...

deep down inside each and every woman.

They're just not bunnies
you'd put in your magazine.

No, they're not.

But if you can see
the bunny in those girls...

then you're on to something, my friend.

I think I get it.

I was trying to turn my girlfriend
into a Playboy bunny...

and that's why she had that seizure...

and I stabbed her in the face a bunch.

But if I just realized she was a bunny...

then none of these firemen
would be trying to kill me.

I gotta be honest with you.
I'm gonna call Security.

Okay, Mr. Hefner. Thanks for the talk.

No problem, son.

Look, I've said what I have to say.

There's nothing else to do.

Things will never be the same because I
am always gonna think...

about you with those guys.

I don't even know why I came here.

Closure, I think.

Eugene, everything I've done since
you fell down the stairs has been for you.

Oh, yeah, right. Posing naked in Playboy
is really helping me out a lot.

Thanks for that.

Eugene, where do you think
the money came from?

- What money?
- The money for your hospital care.

Your dad didn't think
that you would ever wake up...

and he was gonna have you
moved to a class "D" hospice where they-

where they basically
just store you till you die.

I sent whatever money I could...

from part-time waitressing
during college...

but it never really amounted to much.

Then I started making
some real money modeling...

and had you moved
to a better treatment center.

Tucker never told you any of this?

No. He never did.

Okay. Hef's orders:
All stalkers out of the mansion.

Let me go!


- Eugene!
- Tucker!

I met Hef. He talked to me.
I think I had a breakthrough.

- How could you, you son of a bitch?
- What are you talking about?

You fucking brought me all the way
out here to your stupid party...

- when you knew Cindi never left me!
- Eugene!

Wait. She was at the hospital
the whole time?

Don't play dumb with me!
She was paying for my medical bills.

How could you not know that?

Mister's girlfriend not pay all this money
for you to use this as a porno room.

Juanita. I don't speak Spanish.
! Ándale!! Ándale!

The mister's girlfriend is on the phone.
You want to talk to her?

Go away, Juanita.

What an angel that young
Cindi Whitehall is...

for paying all this man's medical bills.

- I've never seen more devotion
in all my years of medicine.
- Go!

Juanita, I'm trying to do something.
Do you comprende?


You let me think Cindi had abandoned me!

But wait a minute. If Cindi was paying
your hospital bills this whole time...

then she obviously still loves you.

- You should be excited.
- Tucker Cleigh!


And Candace's brother, Rick!

Put him down!

You are gonna die
for what you did to my sister.

- Yeah!
- Make it slow, Rick.


There goes that
sissy-hitting motherfucker!

- Eugene. So we meet again, huh?
- Horsedick.

- Dot-MPEG! Dot-MPEG!
- Dot-MPEG.

I was just telling my friends here,
if I ever saw your pretty little face again...

I was gonna rip it off and fuck it.

- No.
- And I don't lie to my friends.

All right, men.
Let's do this fireman-style.


I shall now bathe my steel
in the blood of the offender.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait!

Before you kill me,
let me just say one thing.

Candace, I know you're mad, and you have
every right to do whatever you want to me.

But I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.

And I realized something-

You're my busted girl from Kentucky.

We both hate the same music
and like getting wasted and stuff.

And you like me despite all my faults.

So the least I can do is look past yours.

- My faults?
- Yeah. Candace, your face is a wreck.

- You stabbed me!
- That's one of my faults.

And you have this really stupid
hatred of strobe lights.

When you have epilepsy,
strobe lights trigger seizures.

- See? That's stupid.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

The point I'm trying to make
is that none of that matters.

I like you anyway.

Look, I always hoped
when I met someone like you...

I'd already have this crazy,
impressive sexual history.

But now I realize that
none of that's important...

once you find someone that you truly love.

And when I'm with you...

none of the other chicks that I've nailed
in the past matter anyway.


you're the last person
that I ever want to bang.

And if your weird brain thing makes you
bite my junk while you're blowing me...

then so be it.

I'll never stab you again.

I love you, Tucker Cleigh.

- Goddamn it!

I need to talk to Cindi.

Well, that was real sweet.

How you gonna get out of this, Eugene?
You gonna tell me you love me?

Horsedick, you gotta let me go.
I need to talk to Cindi.

Why don't you write
a message for her on my dick...

and I will make sure she gets it.

You know what, Phil?

That kind of thing would have bothered me
before- that you had sex with Cindi-

but not now, 'cause I had
a relationship with her.

She's not just some trophy.
She's the total package.

And a guy like you, Horsedick-

You wouldn't even know
what to do with a girl like that.

- I'll say he wouldn't.
- Cindi.

Cindi! Wh-What's up, baby?
How you doin'?

Horsedick wouldn't know what to do
with a blow-up doll.

- What? What is she talkin' about?
- Nothin'!

Hey, let's go back up
to the mansion, y'all.

There's a D.J. He's supposed
to be cold-blooded. Come on.

Horsedick doesn't have a dick.

Bitch! You promised.

- What?
- Horsedick wasn't born with genitalia.

He has to pee through a straw.

- This bitch has gone crazy.

Hey, everybody go
to the Horsedick. MPEG party bus!

- Come on! It's a party!
- Wait a minute.

- What about all those girls you banged?
- Yeah, dog.

What about all them girls?

You know what? I've never actually seen
Horsedick make it with a ho.

Why you wanna see that?

Never thought I'd say this-
Fuck that! Let me see your penis, dog.

I ain't showin' you shit, man. All y'all-

What you doing?

It ain't my fault.
My mama was on acne medication.

- Oh, man!
- Leave me alone!

Cindi. Cindi.

Cindi. Listen, I'm sorry.

And what happened in the past is the past.

What's important is right now. I wanna-
I wanna start over, if you'll have me.

- I just think that Aw.


Okay. I just have a question. Why didn't
you call me when I woke up in the hospital?

I call the hospital every Monday.
When did you wake up?

On, uh, Wednesday.

- And you just immediately ran off?
- Yeah, I guess.

Tucker's idea.

- Yeah.
- Hmm.

We've really gotta
get you some new friends.

No. This one's okay.

Let 'em in.

Let 'em in, damn it.

- Mmm.
- I'll see you later.

- Okay.
- Bye.

Bye. Bye.

- So, Candace, huh?
- Yeah. Isn't she the best?

She's somethin' else, all right.

So you guys are like-You're good now?

Yeah. Candace thinks that we
should try to get pregnant.

You know, really try to work things out.

That's a great idea, Tucker.

That is a great idea. How are we gonna fight
if there's always a baby around?

And I'm gonna see if Hef can hook me up
with an internship at the photo department.

- Hey, that's awesome.
- Yeah.

So, what about you and Cindi?

I don't know, but, uh,
I feel really good about it.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Cool.
- You wanna know something crazy?

- You don't have a dick.
- No.

She's upstairs waiting for me right now.

- No!
- Yep.

- No!
- Yep.

Your first time is going to be
with a Playboy Playmate...

at the Playboy Mansion?

- Yes.
- How do you feel?

Um, I feel ready. I feel ready.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

A toast.

- To new beginnings.
- To new beginnings. Well put.

- Oh!

- Whoo!

You're probably gonna wanna
have another one, so you'll last longer.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

All right, everybody,
I'm goin' upstairs...

to have sex...

with my girlfriend!

- Is it good?
- Oh, yeah, Eugene.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

That's good, 'cause
I'm tryin' really hard.

Oh, you're doing
a really good job, Eugene.

- Does it feel good?
- Mm-hmm.

- Okay. 
- Oh, no.

- Eugene, be careful.
Don't overexert yourself.

 Give me some of your
sweetness, honey 

 Give me some
of that sweet thing now 

During my time in South Carolina...

I discovered a groundbreaking
and new experimental way...

of reinstating consciousness
to the comatose.

It has proven itself
to be quite effective.

- [Beeping Faster]
- [Man On P.A.] Blue Team to I.C. U, please.

I swear I saw this work once.

You're a dead man, Tucker Cleigh.

 Give me some of your
sweetness, honey 

 Give me some
of that sweet thing now 

 Give me some of your
sweetness, honey 

 Give me some
of that sweet thing now 

 Homeys, it's the art of war
and I don't know what you thinkin'

 But when you see
them lasers blinkin'

 Next thing is the preacher preaching
that he was a young man 

 'Cause it's the art of war
I gotta keep my enemies close 

 And if you want my bread
then I give you the toast 

 Save poppin'jags
while they taggin'your toes 

 That's a hurtin'plan 

 We're in that cool
Yankee city, so Fiddy 

 Go for my dome that I've committed
to overturnin'the throne 

 As the rain falls
the rain falls 

 King, queen, prince, jokers
Nojuice, stranger

 Drop culture
My Cosa Nostra 

 Can't come close to
the ghost in my culture 

 Maybe some kosher Mazel tov
you off your goons before Friday afternoon 

 Then natural things turn sour
you've realized 

 I don't needs 15 minutes of fame
Give me an hour here 

 Double 'em at the gate
can't save the day 

 Or the sorrow
You'll go back to Casio tomorrow 

-  See ya 
-  The midnight marauder of midtown 

 No fight dogs but I gotta tell y'all
better get down 

 C- L-A-double S-I C 

 You want war
you know where I be 

 Homeys, it's the art of war
and I don't know what you thinkin'

 But when you see
them lasers blinkin'

 Next thing is the preacher preaching
that he was a young man 

 'Cause it's the art of war
I gotta keep my enemies close 

 And if you want my bread
then I give you the toast 

 Save poppin'jags
while they taggin'your toes 

 That's a hurtin'plan 

 It's the good motivation
Mo'hustle, mo'cash 

 Mo'cribs, mo'whips, mo'ass 

 It's just the way
that my world turns 

 Life is a bitch
You best believe my own got road burns 

 Don't take no
for an answer

 I'm a dog
I don't need the breadline 

 No signs and no dancers 

 Trying to run
that bullshit on me 

 Got this pretty lady
sittin'down with me 

 You gotta smirk
like it ain't no trip to you 

 Bet you hit the dirt when
they put that tip to you 

 No lies
No more eatin'off them pies 

 Seen you flyin'in the friendly skies
Have a safe trip 

 Now I don't care
if you blue or you red 

 Try to take mine
Either you do or you're dead 

 'Cause you know I'm alive
doin'a few in the fed 

 You can't take
what's in my head 

 This is, homeys
it's the art of war

 And I don't know
what you thinkin'

 But when you see
them lasers blinkin'

 Next thing is the preacher preaching
that he was a young man 

 'Cause it's the art of war
I gotta keep my enemies close 

 And if you want my bread
then I'll give you the toast 

 Save poppin'jags
while they taggin'your toes 

 That's a hurtin'plan 

Special thanks to SergeiK.