Mr. Woodcock Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Mr. Woodcock script is here for all you fans of the Billy Bob Thornton movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Mr. Woodcock quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Mr. Woodcock Script


What is this?


Good hands, Nedderman.
Take a lap.

By itself, a basketball
is just a round sack of air.

Like many of you.

But in the hands of
someone properly trained...

in its use and skilled in its art...

this ball can do great things.

Oates, I can hear you
wheezing from here.

Take a lap. Lose the asthma.

To survive
outside these walls...

you need more than
just math and science.

The world does not stop...

for people who can spell
fancy words...

or tell you
the capital of Montana.

The capital of Montana, Watson?

- Helena?
- Who cares? Take a lap.

The only thing that matters
in this world, ladies, is strength.

Strength of body
and strength of mind.

Now if you're not
strong enough...

by the time you leave
these doors...

you may as well give up
and go home to your mommas.

Or grandma.
Put your hand down, Lewis.

We all know your parents died.
Give it a rest.

- Oh!
- Pick up the pace, Nedderman.

Well, Farley, it looks like you
forgot your gym clothes again.

No, sir, somebody--

It's a rhetorical question,

- What?
- It's a rhetorical question.

That means you don't have
to answer it.

Because either
I already know the answer...

or I don't care
what your answer is.

You see, in my class, Farley...

everyone is required to wear
regulation gym shorts and shirt.

Gutierrez, go get the rentals.

Start changing.

- No, in line.
- What?

See, the locker room
is reserved...

for people who brought
the appropriate attire.

- You change here.
- It's OK, John. Be strong.

No talking, Nedderman. 10 laps.

Take Wheezy with you.

Come on, let's go.

The rentals, Farley,
that's 25 cents.

- But somebody stole my--
- I--I didn't ask you a question, Farley.

- Not even a rhetorical one.
- Uh...

It seems to me
that someone needs a lesson...

in personal responsibility.

Not even one chin-up,

Can't hang on!

You are a disgrace to fat...

gelatinous, out-of-shape
little kids the world over.

I don't tolerate losers
in my gymnasium.

- Are you gonna be a loser?
- No, sir.

Rhetorical, Farley.
I already know the answer.

Heads up, Nedderman.


Don't you even think
about letting go.


- You guys ready to let go?
- Yeah!

All right!

- Mr. Farley?
- Oh, sure. How you doing?

- All right, what's your name?
- Scott.

John, you don't have
time for this.

- Oh...
- Bye-bye.

I'm sorry, guys.

- Keep letting go.
- John! John!

OK, now remember they're
all potential stalkers.

Most want an autograph
and a handshake...

but some of them want an
autograph and a handshake...

and then they want to
take you home, tie you up...

and saw your feet off.

- Well, hi there.
- John Farley.

Your book saved my life.

I didn't do anything.
You did it.

All I did was
give you the raft.

- You had to inflate it yourself.
- Mm-hm.

Mr. Farley, I used to feel
ostracized because of my weight.

But with your help I'm starting
to get my self-confidence back.

Ha! That's a great story.

Why don't you check out
the free coffee and donuts?


By letting go, do you mean we
should just forget everything?

My mom said he wouldn't drink
so much...

if he could just forget about that summer
in Uncle Lou's house.

Well, we all have
an Uncle Lou.

And we all drink
for different reasons.

Long day.

I don't even think I can hold
a pen anymore.

Let me give you the same advice
I gave Nelson Mandela...

on his last book tour.

Quit whining, you pussy.

- That's helpful.
- You have no idea...

the stuff that
I am saving you from.

Some shithole in Nebraska
wanted to give you...

their corn husk bucket
or something.

The Corn Cob Key?

Uh, is that what it is?
I--I don't know."The Forest--

"...Meadow Nebraska
Chamber of Commerce...

"wishes to award Mr. John Farley
the Corn Cob Key to the City."

Oh, my God. This is my hometown.

- This is awesome. What did you tell them?
- I told them yes.

- Really?
- No.

Why? Wait.

Maggie, the Corn Cob Key
is a huge honor.

They hardly ever
give it out anymore...

but when they do it's the
highlight of the whole cornival.

I'm sorry.
Did you just say cornival?

Well, yeah. It's a farm town...

so, you know, every year
we have this big celebration.

Corn carnival. Cornival.

- Cornival.
- Maggie, you don't understand.

My mom was Corn Cob Queen
in 1970.

I mean, she still rides
in the parade every year.

- This will mean so much to her.
- Cornival?

You know what?
Call them back.

I could fly in tomorrow
and surprise her. It's perfect.

You would need a court order
to make me go see my mom.

This is different. Since my dad
died, I'm all she's got.

Oh, your dad's dead?

It's a major theme of my book.

The whole last chapter's
about how I let go of that pain.

You haven't read my book,
have you?

Well, there's no point now.
You just ruined the ending.

Hi, John!

Welcome home, John. Ha ha ha!

Luke Jessop, uh, Forest Meadow
Town Council.

We appreciate you taking time
out of your busy schedule...

to--to--to come home and see
the little people.

Thank you. This is great.

It's an honor to be considered
worthy of the Corn Cob Key.

Well, you've earned it, young--

Young man.
We are mighty proud of you.

So on behalf of--of--

Well, of all of us, John...

- Corn-gratulations!
- Ha ha ha!

...Famous award-winning corn chowder--

- Johnny! Oh, my God, you're here!
- Hey!

- How are you?
- Oh!

I heard your news and I tried to
call you but now you're here!

I was flying in.
I wanted to surprise you.

- Oh! I am so proud of you.
- Thank you, Mom.

How's it going?
Is the book tour good?

- Yeah, it's good.
- Are you having fun?

Yeah, I'm happy. You look great.

- Thanks.
- Yeah. You going somewhere?

Yeah. I have a date.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- A--Are you seeing someone?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God. That's fantastic.
For how long?

- 5 months.
- What? Why didn't you mention it?

Oh, because you don't like
to hear when I have a date.

- Oh, well, so what's he like?
- Oh, he's great.

He's so handsome and he's--
he's sweet and consid--

- He's a gentleman.
- Oh, Mom, I'm so happy for you.

- Thanks.
- I can't wait to meet him.

- You know, you know him already.
- I do?


Mr. Woodcock?

Farley, I brought you
some daisies.

- Jasper!
- Sorry, I'm late, honey.

That's OK.

Uh, this is Johnny.

My son.
Do you remember him now?


- But I've heard a lot.
- Hm.

It's not every day you get to
shake hands with a celebrity.

Ha ha ha!

- Uh, you ready for dinner?
- Mm-hm.

I don't know
about you...

but I've been thinking
about meat all day long.

I can't believe
you don't remember him.

He was the cutest kid.

About this high
with his chubby little cheeks.

- Mom.
- I had a lot of fat kids over the years.

Oh, he wasn't fat!

Wait a minute.

It's coming back to me.

You're not that kid
that got the squirts...

on the balance beam
that time, were you?

- Jasper.
- No.

Actually I remember you
pretty well.

You kinda gave me a lot of
personal attention back then.

- Aw.
- Well, I take a healthy interest in the kids.

Serves them well
later in life.

Oh, that's so true, that's
so true. And that is why...

they're making Jasper
the Educator of the Year.

- You're kidding!
- Why would she be kidding?

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!
You know what I just realized?

Both of my fellas are being
honored in the same week.

They're giving Johnny
the Corn Cob Key.

You're kidding.

So I'm doing laps at the Y
and he's in the next lane...

and all of a sudden my leg
seizes up and I go under.

It was a bad cramp.
And if I remember correctly...

I think it was about...

- Right here.
- Ha ha ha.

Ahem. So he saved
your life, then?

Well, it was
the shallow end.

You can drown
in six inches of water.

- That is so true.
- Hm.

Well, if you will
excuse me...

I am going to, uh,
the ladies room.

You boys behave yourself.

So what's your book about?

Oh. Um...

well, it teaches people how to
release painful memories...

so they can rebuild
their self-esteem.

It's called Letting Go.
How To Get Past Your Past.

I'm already past my past.

That's why
it's called my past.

Well, some people
find my book helpful.

Lot of losers out there,
I guess.

Well, would you like
an espresso, er, cappuccino...?

- Um, a cup--
- Just the check.

Oh, OK.

Thanks, guys.

Um, my treat.

You're the guest.
I'll take care of it.

No, really, it's fine.

I can afford it.

So you're saying I can't?

No, of course not.

Well, then, why don't you take
your own advice and, uh, let go?

Thank you, Jasper.
That is so sweet.

Johnny, don't you have
something to say?

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

- Ha ha ha.
- I swear to God it's true.

No, no, no. No. No.
Thank you, honey.

No, I don't believe you.
You did not beat Santa Claus up.

- Stop it.
- I was 7 years old at the time.

And some kids at school told me
that there's no Santa Claus.


Well, on Christmas Eve
when I come downstairs...

and see some guy messing around
under the Christmas tree...

I go to my dad's closet...

- and get a three wood--
- Oh, no!

And next thing you know,
Uncle Bob's in the hospital.

No! Oh, poor Uncle Bob.

Ate the entire Christmas dinner
through a straw that year.

- No!
- Yeah.

What a great story.

Well, I guess we'd better
call it a night.

It's good to see you,
Mr. Woodcock.

Well, I guess I could let you
have her for one night, Farley.

Probably good for
the old hip flexor...

to take a night off anyway, huh?

- Jasper!
- Ha ha ha! Yeah.

That was a fun night.
Come on, you guys!

You guys! Ooooohhhhhh! Mmmm!

- I'll call you tomorrow, honey.
- OK.

- Farley.
- Yep.

Mr. Woodcock.

And he is just so easy to be with.

Last month...
we went camping.

- You hate camping.
- I know!

I mean, it was just the 2 of us for 3 days...

and it was heaven.

Ha ha ha. It was great.


Johnny, um...

this is really the first guy
since your father...

that...has felt right.

I'll get you some milk.

Oh! Look what I've got.

Chocolate, please.

I had a lot of fat kids over the years.

- This is Johnny.
- A lot of fat kids.

Remember him now?

No. A lot of losers out there, I guess.


Probably good
for the old hip flexor...

to take a night off anyway, huh?
Ha ha ha!

When did you get here?

About 10 minutes after you said
good night to me.

Not even one chin-up, Farley?

You are a disgrace to fat...

gelatinous, out-of-shape
little kids the world over.

- Can I get a glass of water, please?
- Sure.

Son of a bitch!

- I'm sorry.
- John Farley?

- Nedderman?
- I can't believe it's really you!

I've read your book like 900 times...

and I'm not just saying this...

it's totally changed my life!

Really? That's great, man.

Hell, yeah.
I work here full-time...

and also I'm starting
my own pool cleaning business.

All I've got so far is a van but--but
at least it's a start, right?

Well, every journey
has to start somewhere.

Chapter 2.
You're totally right.

Totally right.

Can you believe it?
The Woodcock pan pizza?

What's next,
the Hitler calzone?

Yeah, well, you're never
gonna believe this.

Mr. Deepdish
is dating my mom.

He's doing your mom?

- Wait. I wouldn't say doing--
- Hear that, Mitch?

Woodcock's slamming
his mom!

- You don't have to announce it.
- Hey, guys!

Check it out. Woodcock's
stuffing this dude's mom.

Woodcock's pounding your mom?

Hey, hey, guys, come on.
Show a little respect.

How would you feel if Woodcock
was porking your mom?

Woodcock's porking your mom!

- Woodcock's porking your mom!
- Hey, shut your trap...

or you're not getting
that cheesy bread!

I want my cheesy bread!

Then shut up!

Keep your mouth shut and you get
your cheesy bread, all right?

I'm sorry about that.
You want a slice on the house?

Sausage and onion.
Extra sauce, right?

No, I don't really eat
that stuff anymore.

Yeah, yeah, I--I--I'd probably
lose my appetite too...

if Woodcock was giving it
to my mom.

The guy is pure evil.

You know he killed Oates?

- What?
- Yeah.

Remember, Woodcock used to
make Oates do, like, 6 miles...

every day after school?

The guy had bad asthma, dude,
you can't just run through that.

Holy shit.
Well, when did he die?

A couple of years ago.
But it was all Woodcock.


Man, look, we can't blame
Woodcock for Oates's choices.

Oates coulda stopped
running, right?

When you make
a blame sandwich...

you gotta be prepared
to eat it yourself.

Chapter 10.
You're totally right.

So what are you gonna do?

I think it's time
Woodcock and I had a talk.

The shortest distance
between 2 people--


God, you must get so laid.

Farley, pass the ball.

Not even one pull-up, Farley?

Are you gonna be a loser, Farley?

I don't tolerate losers
in my gymnasium.

Now, before we begin our
exploration of wiffleball...

I think a little equipment check
is in order.

Well, Dunningham?

Spread 'em, Dunningham.

That's OK. I don't need to
see the cup, Dunningham.

Keep it in your pants.

You see, ladies, it's important
that you come prepared to class.

Because when we're prepared...

then we're ready to face
life's challenges.

Well, Farley, let's see whether
or not you came prepared today.

Spread 'em.

Excuse me. Do you have
a visitors' pass?

Tracy Dettweiler?

- John Farley?
- Wh--You remember me?

Well, yeah, you're famous!

What are you doing here?

Oh, gee...what are you doing here?

Oh, I--I teach English.

- Wow.
- Ha ha ha!

I really wish I had you
as an English teacher.

I would have paid
way more attention in class.

Ha ha ha! Wait a minute.
What year were you in again?

Uh, same as you, actually.

- Really?
- Yeah. I was--

I was actually
your 7th grade lab partner.

Wait. Fat John?

- No way! Fat John!
- Yeah.

Yep, I was fat.

Ha ha ha!

Wow, you've changed a lot.

Yeah. Thank you.

You're welcome. A--And they're
giving you the Corn Cob Key.

- I mean, that's amazing.
- Nah, it's nothing.

Don't be modest.
I--I--I love your book.

I mean, you totally deserve
the award.

- Wh--Really?
- Yeah.

- Wow, thank you.
- Mm.

Say, listen, what are you doing
tonight? Do you want to, uh--um...

uh, a drink or go out for dinner
or something?

I'd...Iove to but I--I can't.

I've got cheerleading practice.

- That's awesome.
- No!

I'm the coach now.

- Oh, oh.
- Yeah.

Um, h--here's my number.

Call me.

- I will.
- OK. Bye.


God, I'm so glad
I wrote that book!

According to my syllabus...

we should be
well into wrestling by now.

But because of
your lack of focus...

we've yet to get past
the fundamentals of kickball.

Kreamer, first rule of Bunting.

Um, do--don't--

There is no Bunting
in kickball, Kreamer.

Set of ten.

Henderson, is there a reason
why your shoe is untied?

- Um--
- You see on the kickball field...

a screw-up like that
can put you in a wheelchair.

You'll end up
writing your name...

with a pencil taped
to your head...

the rest of your life.
Set of ten.

Until you learn
the basics of any sport...

you cannot participate in it...

let alone excel in it.

What are you doing in my class?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt.

Well, you did. Set of ten.

- What?
- It was a joke.

- What do you want?
- Maybe I should just come back.

Maybe you should spit it out now...

so I don't have to
explain to their parents...

why they didn't graduate on time.

Well, I've just been feeling...

like there's been
some tension between us.

Like at dinner,
with the check, and uh...

I guess I just
wanted to say...

that some of that
might have been my fault.

I'm sorry,
he seems to be in pain.

- Who?
- Him!

He's fine. Kreamer,
off your knees.

Well, he doesn't look fine.

Listen, I have
a class to teach...

so why don't you get to
your point, if you've got one?

I guess I just wanted
to say I'm sorry.

And I'm sure for your part
you're a little sorry too.

- I don't do sorry.
- What?

Sorry is for criminals and
screw-ups and I'm neither one.

Get up, Henderson.

Not you, Kreamer.

Now, if you don't mind...

these children
are in need of an education.

Schwartz, you better
fight your way...

past that stutter of yours...

and tell me about the pop fly
rule as it pertains to kickball.

W--Well, it--it--


- When--
- S--s--s--s--s--s--s--set of ten.

Fine. My mom wants to date that
asshole, she can go right ahead.

Chapter 12. Never interfere
in other people's lives.

I don't think
Mr. Woodcock's right for you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

He's, um...

well, the truth is, he's not
a very nice person, Mom.

- He isn't?
- Do you remember when I used to...

come home crying
every day after school?

You were so sensitive.

That's why you're
so good at what you do.

It's not about being sensitive, Mom.

He made all of us miserable.

Sweetheart, you just
hated anything athletic.

You can't blame Jasper for that.

You don't know him like I do.

And you don't know him like I do.

- He touched me.
- What?

OK, that's not true.

But he's mean, and he's cruel.

Mom, I'm telling you,
he's still--

He's still what?

He's still teaching gym.

- Oh! What'd you bring me?
- Dinner.

Sorry I'm late. Had a long day.
Got a little behind.

Wow. Jasper grills
the best beef in Nebraska.

Well, I am known for my meat.

You only got 2 though,

I'm sorry. I guess it
must have slipped my mind.

John, you don't mind
running to the store, do you?


Take your time.

"I'm known for my meat!"

"I'm known for my meat."

Actually, you're not known
for your meat, Woodcock.

You're known for emotionally crippling...

an entire generation of children.




What's wrong?

Jasper and I are no longer dating.


That's so sad.

What happened?

We're engaged.


Have we heard
a congratulations yet?

Oh, I think he's in shock.

That's so good.

Oh, I'll get it.

I wanna start spreading the news.


Ha ha ha.


Well, it looks like
I'm gonna be your new dad.

Come on, Johnny.
Stay, help us celebrate.

Sorry, Mom.
Book tour emergency.

I have to get to the airport.

- You haven't eaten.
- I--I'll grab something on the way.

I love you, Mom.
It's great to see you.

I love you too.


Be safe.

Eenie, meanie, miney...


There's no truer test
of the human spirit...

than wrestling.

That's called a takedown.

Get up, Farley.

There are many kinds
of takedowns.

Today, we're going to
cover some of my favorites.

This is called the head and arm.

This is called
the single leg sweep.

You step and you sweep!

This is called
the fireman's throw.

Shoot the crotch,
collapse the hip and sling shot.

OK, Farley, you're up.


Put me on the mat.

Come on. You were paying
attention, weren't you?

Let's go.

OK, take me down.

You see there is no reason why
even a little porker like this...

shouldn't be able to take me
straight to the mat.

I once saw a 4-foot Laotian...

twist a 250lb Swede so hard...

that he mopped
the bleachers with his blood.

The only reason I'm still standing...

is because you don't believe
in yourself, Farley!

You don't believe in yourself!

Stop the cab! Stop!

Don't believe in myself, my ass!

I invented believing in yourself.

No way in hell this guy's gonna
run me out of my own house.

Wow. Woodcock's still
plowing your mom, huh?

He's marrying her.

Wait, Woodcock's marrying your mom?

Ha ha ha. Dudes!

Don't even think about it!

Get me a pitcher!

What is that, Canadian bacon?

So I guess the talk didn't go very well?

God, can you imagine my family
with Woodcock in it?

A tie for Christmas, Farley?
Set of ten!

You didn't eat your vegetables?
Take a lap.

You call that a grandchild?
Rhetorical question, Farley.

That sucks.
What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna kill Woodcock.

- And you're gonna help me.
- John.

I've already got 2 strikes
and I can't be a part of--

I'm just venting here. Is that
OK? Is it OK if a guy vents?

Yeah, sure, because I thought
you were serious.

Ha! I've got it.
I'm gonna break them up.

How are you gonna do that?

You see, I made a mistake before.

I let him take me out of my game.

But this time,
I'm gonna get inside his head...

and spin him like a top.

That's good. I don't remember
anything like that in your book.

It's not in my book, Nedderman.

- Hello.
- Hey, John.

- How's my favorite author?
- Hey, Maggie.

Hold on a second.

OK, Mommy time's over.

But don't be sad.

Yeah, uh, actually, I gotta
talk to you about that.

I know you have some kind of
corn chowder thing on Sunday...

but look, I have amazing news.

is seriously considering
your book for the book club.

It's unbelievable. I have you
on a 9:30 flight out...

and then I'll meet you on the
connecting flight in St. Louis.

Maggie, I can't.

- It's a long story but I--I can't.
- Knock it off!

- You can't what?
- I can't make it to Chicago.

My mom needs me. She's about
to marry the Antichrist.

Look, I don't care
if your granny's on fire.

This is Oprah.

She farts on a book...

and it magically
sells a million copies.

Just get your ass on that plane!

- Maggie, please, listen...
- Breaking up this phone call.

Get on...plane tomorrow.

Hey! Where are you going?

W--Wait! Tell me more about your wife!


See, I made a mistake before.
I let him take me off my game.

But this time I'm gonna get
inside his head...

and spin him like a top.

Spin him like a top.

- Spin him like...
- Tickle machine!

No, no, no!
Not a tickle machine. No!

Oh, oh, stop it!

Oh, Jasper, mind--

Who was that?
I think someone's in the house.

- Don't worry, I got it.
- Be careful.

Oh, shit!

No, no! Oh! Ow! Ow!

Ow, it's me! It's me! It's John!

Stop! Ow! Stop! It's John, man!

- Oh! Johnny!
- What the hell, Woodcock?

Well, it was dark.
Instinct took over.

What about when I said,
"It's me! It's John!"

John's a very common name.
There could be a burglar named John.

What burglar shouts out
his own name?

I'm sure it was an accident,
sweetie. I--um--

Honey, I thought you were in danger.


Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Well, uh, J--John,
what are you doing here?

I thought about it...

and I just didn't want
to disappoint you, Mom.

Aw, that is so sweet.

- Are you sure you're all right?
- Yeah, I'm great.

All right, well, then, um...

- we'll see you in the morning.
- Great.

Come on, Jasper.


So you really didn't know
it was me last night?

Well, that's what happens...

when you go sneaking around
someone else's house.

What do you mean,
someone else's house?

Well, last time I checked, chief...

you don't live here anymore.

That's not the point.

- Morning. Oh, no, sweetheart. Oh, my God.
- Sorry.

That is so rude. Don't do that.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- I love you.
- Oh, thank you.

Oh, I love you too.

- I love you so much.
- Aww. Thank you.

He's the best.

Well, if it isn't
the future Mrs. Woodcock.


Mmmmm. Mmmmmm.

Mmmm! Ha ha!

Hey, Jasper. How about we spend
the day together?

Get to know each other better,
you know?

- What a great idea.
- Yeah.

Actually, I have a lot
on my plate today, John.

Oh, come on. We'll have fun.

- Mmm!
- I'll take a rain check.


I'm glad we're doing this.

Getting to know each other better...

talking things out.

Conversation leads
to inspiration, right?

That's from my book.

Ah, I'll get you a copy.

Look, I love my mom.
We're very, very close.

Not in a weird way, of course.
Just close.

Listen, we could be pals.

We could be guys
that sit and watch foot--

...hanging loose at the gym.
To me, this is what life is about.

Now, I'm not saying there's
a problem here. I don't judge.

You guys have only known
each other 5 months.

You've got your whole life
ahead of you. You could be kids.

I don't know what you guys
like to do...

but it's just
that's--that's what's important.

I'm just trying to tell you,
don't rush, OK?

Don't rush your life.

You know?

Running your mouth
doesn't count as exercise.

You gonna work out or what?

I think you'll survive.

You're not showering?

No, no. I'm good.

This is not France, Farley.

Maybe you don't mind smelling
like a nut sack all day...

but I gotta be in the car with you.

There are kids in Africa
who'd kill for a shower.

Come on, Farley. Move it.

You called me Farley.

You used to call me that
when I was in your class.

It's your name, isn't it?

You really don't remember me?

Well, with your innate athletic ability...

it's hard to believe, huh?

Do you remember what--

Simply rub the solution on your teeth...

wait a few moments and then rinse.

- Morning, boys.
- Jasper, you old side-winder.

Come to get your ears lowered?

Hey, you look like you could stand...

to have a little taken
off the top, you damn hippy.

Well, looks like you could stand...

to have a little taken off the
middle, you fat son of a bitch.

Ha ha ha!

Hee hee hee.

You got an appointment?

- No, sir. I'm with him.
- Sit down, Farley.

God knows
you could use a little trim.

- Ha ha ha!
- I don't know, Jasper.

You think that boy
even knows what trim is?

Ha ha ha!

Sit down, Huckleberry.

- Maybe clean up the back a little bit.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, Jasper.
How's that hell cat of yours doing?

- Yeah, she's keeping me young.
- Yes, she is.

- In the sack.
- Ha!

Yeah, well, I'm gonna make
an honest woman out of her.

Thought you woulda learned
the first time.

Yeah, guess not.

You never told me
you were married before.

Yeah, well, I never told you about
my kidney stones either. So what?

Whoa! What are you doing?

Well, don't have a hissy fit, Nancy!

It's just a pair of clippers.

You knew they were gonna do that.

If you didn't want a haircut
you didn't have to get one.

This is not Russia.

- You're late, you fairy!
- How you doing, Dad?

All I do all day is watch Judge
Joe Brown and piss myself.

How the hell
do you think I'm doing?

Wait, you have a father?

Yes, Farley, I'm not Jesus.

- Who is this genius?
- It's, uh, Beverly's kid.

Looks like he got a little retard in him.

Are you simple, boy?

- Ha ha ha.
- So, Dad...

- I'm getting married.
- Again?


Didn't you screw that up enough
the first time?

I'll give it 6 months. Oh, I'll
outlive this marriage. And you!

How down on her luck must your
momma be to marry a gym teacher?

She knows that he plays
hopscotch for a living, right?

- You think I'm funny, boy?
- No.

- You want to wrestle me?
- Uh, no, thank you.

Come on, wrestle an old man!

- Dad--
- Come on, cream puff!

My legs are as useless
as your little pecker, but come on!

- Dad, Dad--
- Come on!

I'm going to teach my class now.
Do you want to go to the pool?

Water sports is
for girls and sodomites!


OK, I'll see you later, Dad.

- Well, it was a pleasure.
- Beat it, fruitcake!

He seems like a really nice guy.

You want a shoe up your ass, Farley?


Robinson, go dump a bedpan.

OK, let's move it.

Get those arms up!

Where's Palumbo?

Palumbo, are you crippled and deaf?

Into the pool!

Palumbo, don't push me.

I think his hearing aid
is on the fritz.

I didn't ask you, did I, Weaver?

Well, no, I guess not.

Rhetorical question, Weaver.
Take a lap.

Oh. I was just trying to help!

Don't you think you're being
a little harsh with them?

They're just old, Farley.
They're not pathetic.

They enjoy a challenge.

Move those legs.

I'm not gonna ask you again, Palumbo.

Lose the attitude.

Oh, you think this is funny?

All right, that's it, Palumbo.
It's go time.

What the--

And Platts, don't think
I'm not watching you.

You're not the first person
in the world to get a hip replacement.

Pick up the pace!

OK, Palumbo,
this is your last chance.

Oh, really? OK,
we'll do it your way, then.

- Whoa, whoa--
- Sink or swim, old man.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, no!
- Sink or swim!

Jesus, are you insane?

He doesn't need your help, Farley.

What the hell, man? Aah!

Sir, it's all right.
I'm trying to help you.

I'm trying to save your life!




Nice job, Scardusio.
Did you get any tongue?

No, but I get better suction
without the choppers.

Makes sense.


Come on, Farley, let's saddle up.

I'm waiting for my clothes to dry.

- Hello?
- Hey, John.

I'm on an airplane heading for Chicago.

And you'll never guess
who's sitting next to me.

- Who?
- Nobody!

Now where is your ass
and why isn't it in seat 2A?

Man, just hold on a second.
I got another call.

- Hello?
- I got your message, dude.

- What's going on?
- Hey. Hold on.

You know, Mr. Woodcock,
I'm just gonna get myself home.

Suit yourself, Farley.
Just get some pants on.

This is not Miami.

Suddenly it makes sense.

Nedderman, Woodcock's
been married before.

Now, I need you to find out
who she is...

and then pick me up at Alterman's.

Right. The nursing home?

Yeah, and bring me some underwear.

Some of mine?

- Listen, Maggie.
- Hello?

Everything's going to shit
right now, OK?

I'm sorry. I'll call you tomorrow.

No, John, don't hang--


Excuse me. Hi.
Could I get a real bottle, please?

I'm an alcoholic, not a Barbie doll.

What happened to your head?

Just drive, Nedderman.

Her name is Sally Jensen.

Oh, good work!
Let's go see her right now.


Well, think about it, Nedderman.

Who's more likely to have dirt
on Woodcock than his ex-wife?

But in your book don't you say...

digging up the past
muddies up the present?

Yes, I do...

but that's only true if the past...

doesn't actually affect the present.

Think about it, Nedderman.

If I can learn something
about Woodcock's past...

that'll save my mom from future
heartache in the future...

then I don't really have a choice...

but to address it
in the present, right?

I--Guess not.


Who is that?

That's my brother, Clark.

There it is.

Home of the former Mrs. Woodcock.

All right. I'm going in.

Nedderman, I need you
to find more dirt on Woodcock, all right?

Think outside the box.
See the challenge, focus on it...

visualize, attack it
and then reuse it, OK?

- You got me?
- I--I won't let you down, John. I promise.

- Thanks for the underwear.
- Sorry if they're big.

Hey, see if she has a pool!

Or a koi pond!

A fish tank?


Sally Jensen?

Who are you?

Um, I'm John Farley.

Can I get you something to drink?

I think I have a clean glass
around here somewhere.

No, I'm good, thanks.

I love your book.

Turned my life around.

Must be my lucky day.

Hometown hero in the flesh
right here in my own living room.

What do you want?

I'm doing research...
for my next book.

If you don't mind my asking,
why did you divorce?

Why do you think?


Over and over again.

Should have broke it off
years earlier, but--

But what?

- The sex was amazing.
- Oh.

I'm telling you,
that man knows how to use...

what the good Lord gave him.

Oh, right. Thanks for that.

Once, I actually blacked out.

Can you imagine blacking out
from sheer pleasure?

Once I spoke Portuguese
and I don't even know the language.

- OK, I think that's enough.
- Ha ha ha.

Um, this has been very helpful...

and disturbing all at the same time.

Why? Do you know Jasper?

Actually I do. Uh, he was
a teacher of mine, years ago.

And, uh, he's marrying my mom.

Saw him last week
at the coffee shop with her.

A big-titted, blonde tramp.

Sorry. No offense.

She looks awfully young
to be your mom.

- He's cheating on her.
- What?

Yup. He cheated on his ex-wife.
That's why they got divorced.

Now he's doing the same thing
to my mom...

with some big-titted, blonde tramp.

So that's great. So--So we just
gotta tell your mom now.

No, I can't just tell her.

She doesn't listen to me
when it comes to Woodcock.

- We need proof.
- No problem.

We've been working on
some killer stuff on our end.

Good. Meet me at my place
as soon as possible.

You wanted evidence, you got it.

It may not prove Woodcock's cheating...

but it does prove he's a huge dick.

What happened to his eye?

Look, don't worry about him.
He's fine.

When she sees this, man,
she'll come to her senses.

No, Mr. Woodcock.
Please don't hurt me again.


Ha ha ha. Well?

You threw a chair at your brother?

Weren't you watching?

It wasn't me that threw
the chair at him...

it was Woodcock
that threw the chair.

He said Woodcock.
Woodcock threw that chair!

Honey? Hi, are you home?

Oh, look, that's so nice.
You've got some friends over.

Hi, I'm John's mom.



You remember him?
We were in the same class.

What happened to your head?

Woodcock doesn't deserve her.

Farley's mom is hot.
I mean, yes, she's old and shit...

but God, I just want
to stick my face...

between those great old titties
and go, "Brrrrrrr!

Brrrrrrrr! Brrrrrrrrr!"

Nedderman, turn it off.

...titties and go, "Brrrrrrr!"

Big old--big old titties--

Big old titties--

- Jasper.
- Brrrrrrrrr!


I meant that in the most
respectful way possible.


Mrs. Farley!

You people are sick, Farley.

- I barely know those guys, Mom.
- OK--

Well--Let's just pretend
that never happened.

Johnny, are you all right?

Jasper said that he thought
you seemed upset today.

Oh! He did? Oh.

Sweetie, look, I know
that it's not easy for you...

to have a new man in our house.

But we're getting married...

and he's gonna be part of our family.

All I want is for
just you two to get along.

Is that asking too much?

Could you try?

For me?


- I love you, Mom.
- Oh, sweetie. I love you too.

- Thank you. Oh!
- Sorry.

Let's go to Cornival.
Let's have a good time tonight.

Great. We'll have a great night.
All of us.

 My loves have some stories... 

- Come on, tell me.
- No, forget it.

No, I want to know!

- Look, I'm embarrassed, OK?
- Oh!

John, you can't just start
saying something and then stop.

- Come on.
- Never mind, never mind.


Oh, all right. Um...

I've had the biggest crush
on you since the 7th grade.

Ha ha ha. And here we are!

Yeah, here we are.

The cornival.

- I'm glad you called.
- Yeah, me too.

- Jasper! Let me do it.
- Lift it up. Keep it up high.

Oh! Now you're cheating!

Aw. You have to admit,
they're kind of cute together.

You're kidding?

No, your mom is beautiful.

And Woodcock's kinda sexy,
you know.

- Mr. Woodcock?
- Yeah.

I mean, just, I don't know,
the way he--he carries himself.

- What?
- There's just something about him.

It's like this bravado
and...I don't know.

All the girls at school love him.
I mean, he's hilarious.

One time he grabbed me by my--

He coxes them
in the teachers' lounge.

He has this little game
that we play with his whistle.

Actually, I've always kinda
had a crush on Woodcock.

Wow! You--you wanna go?

Yeah, sure.

That's cool, right?
You're not--you're not gonna eat that.

Hey, guys. How are you doing?

Oh, good. I'm done.

Um, why don't you two
play a little bit, huh?

- I thought you wanted to win a panda.
- Oh, it's all right.

- I'll win you a panda, Mom.
- Oh!

- Sure you brought enough cash?
- Jasper.

OK, so let's go get some cotton
candy and let the boys play.

- Yeah.
- Good luck.

Win me a puppy.

- OK, Woodcock.
- Looks like we got a challenge.

- Let's play.
- Good luck, young man.

There you go, sir. Here we go!

Ha! Harder than it looks!

Hey, nice shot!

Try again, kid.

We got a shooter, folks!

- Oh!
- Nice one, Farley.

- Damn it!
- Whoo!

That's a winner right there.

Looks like a panda to me, sir.
Nice job.

All right, kid.
Everybody's a winner. Ha ha ha!

I've seen better shooting
at the special Olympics.

- Basketball's not really my game.
- Really?

What is your game?
Whac A Mole?

Stupid game!

I just wanna warn you, Farley.
I'm a card-carrying member of the N.R.A.

You don't have a prayer.

Ready, gentlemen!

- We have a winner!
- Don't be a sore loser.

I'm telling you,
my gun was messed up.

It's never the gun, Farley,
it's always the hunter.

"Corn-eating Corntest."

Oh, it's on.

You're going down, Woodcock.

You must like
getting spanked, Farley.

- I guess it runs in the family.
- Here you go, boys.


Oh, I shoulda known
that you'd be here.

You know, Johnny won this competition
what, 6 times in a row?

- 7. 7.
- When he was little. 7 times!

And against adults, too!

And here we go, corn-testants!
And may the best--

Oh, they're getting ready to go
so we'll just go over here.

- Remember, half cobs do not count.
- Good luck!

See you, girls.
That's funny, Farley.

I didn't know fat kids
ate their vegetables.

Save it for the corn-test, old man.

- Ready for this?
- Yes!

Are the corn-testants ready for this?

If you are ready, then get set...

There they go,
ladies and gentlemen...

look at them gnaw on that corn!

Do you see those teeth?

Half a cob doesn't count.

Pretty good there, Farley?

Keep it going. Look there.
Look at them go.

You want to pace yourself, Farley.

Just let go, Woodcock.

Great tension. Hey, hey, keep your hand off
your neighbor's cob!


All right, here we go.
Keep chewing that corn!

10 seconds left!

Coming down to the end now.

5, 4, 3...

2, 1!

Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a winner!

And that winner is, again...

- John Farley!
- Whoo!

Ha ha ha! Yes! Whoo!
You got beat, sweetheart!

Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo-whoo-whoo! Ha ha ha!

Oh, yeah, baby! Whoo!

I'm the big winner. I win!

I'm the big winner
'cause this is my house, bitch!

- Whoo-hoo!
- John Michael Farley!

What has come over you?


It's OK, Farley.
I know how to cheer her up.

Do me a favor. Snag my bears.

Well, John, you really...
ate that corn.


- Hello?
- Wake up!

I got something to show you.

Nedderman? What's going on?

And at 0800 hours...

a blonde chick
rolled up in that car...

and went into Woodcock's house.

How long you been
staking out his house?

17, 18 hours.

Hey...there she is!

- What?
- Oh, that son of a bitch!

What kind of asshole
would cheat on his wife...

before he's even married?

The same kind of asshole that
would make a kid run laps...

until his nipples bleed.


Now, then.
We gotta go in there.

Oh, bro, staking out
the guy's place is one thing...

but breaking and entering,
that's another.

we need concrete proof.

John, I haven't shit my pants...

since the balance beam
in the 7th grade.

I--I--I'd like to keep it that way.

And what about your book,
chapter 14?

"Respect other people's boundaries."

Wait, do you have the book with you?


Oh, great.

Let me see this. See.

Forget the book! Just forget it!

I can't take this book anymore!

'Cause every 30 seconds you're
in my ear, like, wah, wah, wah!

I can't do it, OK?
I wrote it, I know what's in it!

It's crap! I'm done with it, OK?

What?'s Tracy.

Hey, Tracy.

- How are you?
- Fine. Um...

listen, John, about last night.

You seem like you're in
a really weird place right now.

Really? No, I feel great.

I really do.

Well, maybe you should
just call me...

when things are
a little more...stable?

I think that'd be best.


OK, um...

I respect your feelings
and your decision. I--

I'm sorry you feel that way.

All right. Well,
take care of yourself, OK?

Yep, you too.



OK, this is the plan.

We're gonna break into
Woodcock's place.

We're gonna plant
your video camera...

then we're gonna catch him
cheating on my mom...

and then we're gonna finish
this effing fiasco...

once and for all, OK?

Right, Clark, give me
the minicam. You're on lookout.

Anything happens, honk the horn,
you understand me?

Nedderman! It's open.

What the--

- What are you doing?
- Sor--

I'm sorry. Sorry.

- Jesus.
- OK.

Hello, smoking gun.

Damn it, Clark!

Oh, shit!



Jasper, I'm still upset with you.

I know, honey,
but you know how I get...

- when I don't have you to myself.
- Aah.

- I just need some...alone time.
- What about me?

Well, honey, it wouldn't be
alone time without you.

- You know what I mean!
- Ha ha ha!

Jasper, you charmer. Oh!


Oh, honey. Oh, darling.

Bad boy!

- Feel good, baby?
- Yes! Yes!

Rhetorical question, Beverly!

- Oh, God! Oh, God!
- Oh, yeah!

- Feel the love!
- I don't want to black out again.

The finish line's in sight, honey.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Yes!

That was way better than
anything on the Internet.

Excuse me,
may I have your attention?

Uh, if everyone
would, uh...would grab a seat...

and I get the honorees up on stage...

we can get started.

For the past 26 years,
Jasper Woodcock's name...

has been synonymous with
the words "physical education".

Now, before we get
to the presentation...

let's hear from some of the people...

whose lives have been touched
by this great man.

Honey, where were you?

I thought you were gonna ride
with us. I was worried.

Sorry, Mom.
I--I needed some alone time.


My name is Zoe. And last summer,
my cat Raisins ran away.

That man found her. Her collar
was caught on a fence.

She was dead from stran--gulation.

But she's in heaven now.

Thank you for finding Raisins,
Mr. Woodcock.

You're kidding me.

When I was in his class...

Mr. Woodcock found a brick
of marijuana in my locker.

He could have sent me
to the principal, but no.

He called the cops.

And instead of going to
detention I did 6 years in juvi.

Where I found my lord
and savior, Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ!

And I have been
mostly drug-free ever since.

Thank you, Mr. Woodcock.

"Mr. Woodcock is
one of the best teachers.

"He taught me how to play hard
and never give up.

"Because of him, I got
a scholarship to play football.

"In college."

Thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Woodcock.

What the fuck?

Woodcock never talks down to us.

He treats us just like everyone else.

I named my kid after Woodcock.

Woodcock taught me
how to be a man.

Woodcock taught me
how to be a man.

Woodcock taught me
how to be a man.

Woodcock taught me CPR.

- Woodcock saved my life.
- Bullshit!

- Woodcock--
- Woodcock--

- Woodcock--
- Woodcock--


- Woodcock.
- Woodcock.

Jasper Woodcock.

Educator of the Year.

Go, Jasper!

Thanks a lot. Uh...

appreciate it.

Ha ha ha.

That's, uh--that's good stuff,
Jasper. Thank you.


We have one more award to give out.

The Corn Cob Key.

Given to those
who go off into the world...

and make Forest Meadow proud.


Ladies and gentlemen, John Farley!

Ha ha ha.

Are you guys out of your minds?

Ha ha ha.

Seriously. Am I the only one...

that thinks that Woodcock's like...

the biggest asshole on the planet?

I mean, for 26 years...

this guy's been pelting children
with basketballs...

at point-blank range.

And now you're giving him
an award for it?

- He should be in jail!
- Johnny. Johnny.

I mean, is there any question
that he strangled this girl's cat?

What--what was her name,
Raisins? Yeah, you know what?

Go home, dig up Raisins,
perform an autopsy on him...

you'll find out
it wasn't an accident.

Dogs don't strangle cats.
Sadistic gym teachers do.


Somebody put something
in the punch again this year!

Wait, wait. No, no, I'm serious!

Look, he hates children.

He killed one of my classmates.

Yeah, after years of his abuse...

Trevor Oates took his own life...

and he died because of Woodcock.

No, I didn't.

- Oates, I thought you were dead.
- No.

I had minor surgery a few years back.

You know, to help with my wheezing.

Whatever. Oates is alive.
Whoop-di-doo! Who gives a shit?

- Johnny.
- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
I know you hate to hear that.

He's not what you think.

You're brainwashed, people!

Oh, just ask his ex-wife
right there, Sally Jensen.

Tell them about all the man whoring...

he did behind your back
when you were married.

Well, I think most of you know
I cheated on him.

I'm--I'm sorry. What?
You cheated on him?

A lot. I couldn't help it.
I was a sex addict.


Uh, was.

Am. Ha ha ha.


All right, let's go.

That's enough.
That's enough of that!

- He's cheating on my mom!
- Johnny, sit down right now.

- That's enough, Farley.
- I'm sorry, Mom.

You've been sneaking
behind my mom's back...

with that blonde whore...

right there, haven't you?

That's my realtor, you moron.

I was trying to surprise
your mother with a new house.

Well, how come I found
her panties in your bedroom?

Those are your mother's, Farley.


Yeah. OK, Farley, you and me,
out in the hallway right now.


- Uhh!
- You disrespectful little shit!

I'm gonna give you a good old-fashioned
Nebraska ass-whipping...

till you shit yourself.

Bring it, bro!

I don't know what I'm gonna
enjoy more tonight...

kicking your ass
or nailing your mother.

- Oh!
- Let go of my son, Jasper.

- Uh, Bev--
- Let go of my son.

- Bev, I--
- You two are unbelievable.

You won't be civil even though
it hurts and humiliates me.


Mom, are you OK?

Go away, John. Leave me alone.


I have been carting around
your damn luggage since Denver!

Thanks to you blowing off the most
powerful woman in America...

Walden Books has canceled
the rest of your appearances.

- I don't believe this.
- I know.

If only someone had warned you!

- So it's over.
- No, not exactly.

When you hear about this,
you're gonna want to take me...

right here in your mommy's house.

But first I have to pee.
Where's the bathroom?

You have indoor plumbing
in here, right?

It's not like you deserve
the extra effort...

but since my reputation's
on the line, I called in a favor.

You're gonna do a remote interview...

on The Tyra Banks Show!

Tomorrow, 9am,
the diva of daytime talk...

is gonna talk to you live...

right from this dingy little
shithole you call home.

Fine, good, whatever you need.

What I need is for you to focus...

get it together, and point me
to the nearest liquor store.


OK, Tyra Banks, very nice.

But if you do not know your shit
she will gut you like a fish.

Oh, my Lord.

You look very beautiful, Mrs. Farley.

Thank you.

She does know what decade it is, right?

Mom, what are you doing?

- I'm going to Cornival.
- Ha ha ha.

I'm sorry, you hicks
just crack me up.

Are you sure? I mean--

After last night, you know--

I have certain obligations.
I'm still the Corn Cob Queen.

- Ha ha ha.
- But you'll be by yourself.

John, I have been alone
on that float for 20 years.

I think I can handle it.

Mom, I'm so sorry about last night.

I...just totally lost my head.

Do you remember Mr. Spanger?

He was the first man
that I tried to date...

after your father died.
I think you were 6.

And you ran away
from the baby-sitter...

and we spent the entire night
trying to find you.

Yeah, I was under the sink.

Well, every time a man asked me
out, you either got sick...

or you threw a tantrum...

or you egged the car, or you did
something until I just gave up.

Did you ever think of how I felt...

on my own all these years?

Uh, I guess...

I thought you...had me.


All right, Mr. Farley. 20 seconds.

Hey, game face.
Let's put the hillbilly drama on hold.

America is waiting.
You look great.

- This is gonna be fun.
- 15 seconds.

- I can't do this.
- OK, I understand.

- That's fine.
- Really?

Of course not!

Now sit your ass down
and get in front of the camera.

Quiet on set.

- All right, people, we're on the air in 3, 2--
- Smile.

When I read
my next guest's book...

I knew I had to have him
on The Tyra Show.

He's the best-selling author of
Letting Go...

How To Get Past Your Past.

Please welcome, via satellite
from Forest Meadow, Nebraska...

John Farley!

Hey, John, how you doing?

I feel great.

Well, good. You should.

I mean, your book is inspiring...

so many people across this country.

Who's been your biggest inspiration?

- Uh, my mom.
- Aah.

See, my mom is
my biggest inspiration too.

I mean, I would not be where
I am today were it not--

Johnny, do you ever think of...

what it was like for me
to be on my own all those years?

I mean, come on, you guys, give
it up for mommas everywhere!


I'm--I'm sorry. I gotta go.

- John?
- You go back in there!

- No, I won't!
- Go in there and sell that goddamn book!

No, I won't! My mom needs me!

I don't give a shit!

You're gonna go in there
and say something...

or I'm gonna shove
my arm up your ass...

and work you like a puppet!

Let go of me!

Fine! Run, you pussy!

- Go back to your mommy!
- What a bitch!

See if I care!

Quiet, please!

I don't know what to do!
I don't know what to do!

Ha ha ha. OK, John, take care.
He's helping people.

- You back for more?
- Look.

I screwed up, OK?

Big time.

I shouldn't have meddled. I--


Are you wearing make-up?

The truth is...

I did it because
I wanted my mom to be happy.

And as it turns out, the thing
that makes my mom happy...


is you.

It's too late.

She's made her mind up, Farley.

What? My mom's the best thing
that's ever happened to you.

One day you'll date girls
and you'll understand.

Once a woman makes her mind up...

there's no changing it.

Oh, I get it. You're scared.

Your last marriage fell apart
because she was cheating on you.

Again and again and again.

The woman's a deviant, Farley.
Who cares?

So you're scared
of getting hurt again?

Hey, spare me
the self-help crap, OK?

You're not a guru.
You're a spoiled little kid...

who can't seem to let go
of his momma's right tit.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you're just
a pussy with a whistle!


You cocky little shit.

Do you actually think
you're tougher than me?

Oh. Any time, any place.

Get the rentals, Farley.

Seems like old times, doesn't it?

Yeah, well, a new day has come.


That was called a takedown, Farley.

OK. So that's
how it's gonna be, huh?


Yep, now I'm gonna bring it,

You never shut up, do you?

Why don't you make me?

Time to earn your wings, Farley.

It's called a suplex, Farley.

It's one of my favorites.

Here's another one of my favorites.

The Vietcong shuffle.

The reverse Vietcong shuffle!

Here comes the thunder, Woodcock!


Heads up, Farley.

- Say uncle!
- Pussy!

- Say it!
- Pussy!


Russian headlock!

The gym teacher body slam!

Are you OK?

Rhetorical question, Woodcock!

You remember me now, don't you?

- Bitch!
- Uh! Uh!

Mr. Woodcock?

Oh, shit.

Got a white male, 50s,
possible concussion.

What are those? Bite marks?


Come on, Scooter.
Get that mask off of me.

Oh, thank God.
I thought I'd killed you.

You couldn't kill me with a shotgun
and a head start, Farley.

Said by the man flat on his back
in an ambulance.

Yeah, well, it's about time
you showed some backbone.

Is that a compliment?

Farley, I'm just saying...

that you showed some sack
out there today, OK?


Maybe there is a human being
hiding in there somewhere.

I mean, seriously,
why can't you be nice to people?

It--it's not healthy being
such a dick all the time.

You're gonna end up like your dad...

just angry and bitter and alone.

If that's what you want, then
fine, but I don't think it is.

Now, right now, my mom is
on that float all by herself...

really wishing that you
were up there with her.

The problem is...

I don't think you got
the backbone to win her back.

Oh, really?

Watch out!

Come on, Farley!
Step up the pace!

I could if you weren't
such a fat ass!

Watch out! Excuse me!

- Keppen! You're off tempo!
- Aah!

- Watch out!
- You're flat, Mount-Gardner.

- Excuse us! Hey!
- Oh!

Excuse us!

Come on, Farley!

- Mom! Mom!
- Beverly! Beverly!

Oh, my God, what happened?

Jasper, why are you
on that gurney?

I don't know, honey,
but I'm here to say that...

I'm basically sorry.

Basically sorry?

Mom, for an emotional cripple
like Woodcock...

that's a huge step.

Listen, I'm the one
who should be apologizing, OK?

This is all my fault.

Just give it another shot.

'Cause my lungs
are about to explode.

Please, honey.

- Oh!
- Oh, my God!

Stop! Stop!

Mr. Woodcock!

You OK?

Nice work, Farley.

There's one pothole in this town
and you managed to find it.

Jasper! Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Jasper.


Are you OK?

I'm sorry, Mom.

I thought I was doing
the right thing.

By killing him?

I called 911, didn't I?

Ha ha ha. Yes.

For what it's worth,
I want you to be with Jasper.

- I don't believe you.
- I do. I--

If it means anything at all...

you have my blessing.

You can see Mr. Woodcock now.

Listen, uh...

I just want to say I'm--I'm sorry...

About the "nailing your mother"
comment there.

That's it?

What do you mean?

I thought you would apologize for--

Mom, Mom.

I know this is gonna be hard for
you to believe, coming from me.

But Jasper is a good person.

You see, somewhere around the
time Jasper was choking me--

- Yeah, with your own foot.
- Right.

I had a revelation.

You don't get past your past.

You embrace it.

And I'm not that fat little loser anymore...

and that's because he pushed me.

And, in a really weird way...

he's a big part of who I am today.

For Christ's sakes, it was just
a P.E. class, you fruitcake.

- Jasper!
- Well, it was.


Set of ten, Farley.

- What?
- Just joking.

 I see a bad moon rising 

 I see trouble on the way 

 I see earthquakes and lightning 

Merry Christmas, Woodcock.

Merry Christmas, Farley.

I read your book.

Really? What did you think?

Well, that part about, uh,
treating others...

how you want to be treated,
I guess that's all right.

Yeah, I sort of stole that
from the Bible, but...

I'll take credit for it.

The rest of it's pretty much crap.

What the hell, man?
That's my book!

It's my book, Farley.

You gave it to me.
I can do with it as I please.

 I hear the voice
of rage and ruin 

 Don't go around tonight 

 Well, it's bound to
take your life 

Oh, hey. Look, your new book.

- Congrats, John.
- Let me see.

- Congratulations.
- Oh, my gosh. Look at that.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, it's
really, really good, John.

Wow, you read it?

Don't make me lie on Christmas.

Well, as long as we're
congratulating people...

Beverly and I have
a little announcement.

Recently, uh, one of my swimmers
took hold...


And, uh, your mother's got
a little Woodcock in her.


You're gonna be
a big brother, Farley.

Just joking.

 It could be ten
but then again 

 I can't remember half an hour
since a quarter to four 

 Throw on your clothes,
the second side of Surfer Rosa 

 And you leave me
with my jaw on the floor 


 Oh, just when you think
you're in control 

 Just when you think
you've got a hold 

 Just when you got on a roll 

 Oh, here it goes, here it
goes, here it goes again 

 Oh, here it goes again 

 I shoulda known, shoulda
known, shoulda known again 

 Oh, here it goes again 

 Oh, oh, here it goes again 

 It starts out easy, something
simple, something sleazy 

 Something inching
past the edge of reserve 

 Now through the lines
of cheap Venetian blinds 

 Your car is pulling
off of the curb 


 Oh, just when you think
you're in control 

 Just when you think
you've got a hold 

 Just when you've got on a roll 

 Here it goes, here it goes,
here it goes again 

 Oh, here it goes again 

 I shoulda known, shoulda known,
shoulda known again 

 But here it goes again 

 Oh, here it goes,
oh, here it goes 

 Oh, here it goes again 

 Oh! Oh, here it goes again. 

Special thanks to SergeiK.