Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story script is here for all you fans of the John C. Reilly movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story Script

Mr. Cox?

Mr. Cox?

Mr. Cox?

Guys, I need Cox.

He goes on in two minutes
and I can't find him.

Mr. Cox.

Mr. Cox?

You're gonna have to give him
a moment, son.

Dewey Cox needs to think about
his entire life before he plays.

Come on, Nate, let's go play.

I can't, Dewey. I gotta practice.

You can't practice all the time, Nate.
You're already perfect.

All right. Come on, Dewey,
let's go play!

-Today's gonna be the best day ever!

Ain't nothing horrible
gonna happen today.

What do you wanna be
when you grow up, Dewey?

I don't know. Never really
thunk about it before.

When I grow up,
I'm gonna be a great composer.

And a professional baseball player.

Then I'm gonna be an astronaut,
and I'm gonna go to the moon.

There's nothing I won't do
with this long, long life of mine.

For sure.

That's what's great about being young.
So much time to do great things.

Let's go play!

My turn!

I got him! I got him!



I challenge you to a duel, sir.

I don't know, Nate.

You know how mad Pa gets
when we play with his machetes.

Come on. There's nothing wrong
with a little machete-fighting.

Now, en garde!

-Do you yield, sir?

Prepare to meet your maker.


I'm halved!

Oh, we should've listened to Pa.

Dewey, I'm cut in half pretty bad.

In case I don't make it,
then you'll have to be double great...

...for the both of us.

Wow, that's a lot of pressure, Nate.

You can handle it, Dewey.
Now, run, get Pa!

Holy shit.

This was a particularly bad case
of somebody being cut in half.

I was not able to reattach
the top half of his body...

...to the bottom half of his body.

Speak English, doc!
We ain't scientists.

I'm sorry, folks. He's gone.

Oh, no!

Oh, my God.

Dear God. Oh, Dewey.

It's all your fault, Dewey Cox.

Oh, Pa, you don't mean that.
It's not his fault.

He cut him in half with a machete.


You. You're not half the boy
that Nate was.

You're not even half the boy
that the top half of Nate was...

...after you cut him in half.

So you're saying I'm less than
a quarter of the boy Nate was?

The wrong kid died.

Ma, I can't smell anything.

You can't smell anything?

I think I lost my sense of smell.

You gone smell-blind, son.

It'll pass, Dewey.

Now, you run on down to the country
store and get us some butter.

And a candle.

We're gonna light us
a candle tonight.

I'm a gamblin' man

I gambled everywhere I go

Lord, I'm a gamblin' man

Gambled everywhere I go

I'm a gamblin' man

Lord, I gambled from door to door

I've never heard no music
like that before.

It's so sad.

That's why it's called the blues, boy.

I think I'd like to play me
some blues.

Ain't no 6-year-old boy understand
the true meaning of the blues.

I reckon I might.

You play the guitar?

Never have before.
But I'm a real fast learner.

Well, go ahead.

You put your finger right up there.
Place your hands here. That's it.

That's the G chord.

Now hit the strings
with your other hand.

-That's it.
-There you go.

That ain't bad.

I done a bad thing

Cut my brother in half

I done a bad, bad thing

Cut my brother in half

My mama's gonna cry

Somewhere the devil's havin' a laugh

It's not bad for your first time.

You can do it, Dewey.
You'll be double great.

For the both of us.




Mama, you made it!

There's my favorite 1 4-year-old son.

Oh, no. Come on, now.
Not in front of the fellas.

Howdy, boys.

Howdy, Mrs. Cox.

I just wanted to say break a leg.

I know you boys are gonna
play a real good song.

Oh, thanks, Ma.

I'm just so proud you learned to play
the guitar so good.

Without even having
a sense of smell.

It's all right now, Mama.
I learned how to play by ear.

You just go out there
and sing your heart out.

I will, Mama.

I don't know what we're doing here
at this high school talent show.

We're here to see our boy,
that's what we're doing here.

You all right, ma'am?

I'm fine.

Just my vertigo acting up again.

-What's vertigo?
-Just a little dizziness is all.

Ain't nothing terrible
ever came from no dizziness.

Testing, testing.

Crawdad, crawdad.

Hello, everybody.
Welcome to the annual talent show.

We're gonna get this going here with
the juggling talents of Johnny McGraw.

-How we gonna follow that?
-Delilah Montgomery.

-Delilah Montgomery.
-Very nice!

And now sophomore Dewey Cox
is gonna sing us a song.

So, ladies and germs....

I know, I know.

Please welcome Dewey Cox
and the Dewey Cox Four.

Hi. My name's Dewey Cox.

And this is a little song I wrote called
"Take My Hand."

I sure hope you like it.

The wrong kid died, goddamn it.

-Take, take

Take my hand

Take my hand

We're gonna walk through the park

I promise to have you
Home before dark

Home before dark

Oh, life would be so sweet

Walking with you down the street

This music is an outrage!

Come on and take my hand

Come on and take my hand

It's the devil's music!

It's all right if you're coy

After all I'm a boy

And you're a girl

But make no mistake

Yours is the hand
I want to take

So please

So please, please

Take my hand

You're going to hell!


That's it. I want you
out of this house, boy.

-You heard the preacher.

You think we don't know
what you're talking about...

...when you say "take my hand"?

What? It's about holding hands.

You watch your mouth.

You know who's got hands?
The devil.

And he uses them for holding.

I ain't got no room in my house
for no devil's spawn.

Be careful. Before you say something
you regret for the rest of your days.

Like what?
Like "the wrong kid died"?

Oh, no! No!

It's okay.
It's okay, Mama, settle down.

Pa's right.

Springberry ain't big enough
for me no more.

I reckon it's time for Dewey Cox
to move on.

But you're only 1 4.

Mama, I love you.

But I don't need nobody.

All I need is my music.

I seen my path today,
and I'm gonna take it.

And someday,
I'll make my masterpiece...

...and you'll all be proud of me.

Just like you were of Nate.

Can I come, Dewey?

Of course you can, Edith.
You're my girlfriend.

-I am?
-Yeah, silly.

I pointed at you in the audience.

Did you hear that?
I'm Dewey's 1 2-year-old girlfriend!

You're the most talented man
I've ever seen in my whole life.

And you will never get anything
but love and support from me...

...for you and your dreams
the rest of my life.

Well, then, go on.
Get out of this house.

Before I cut your dreams in half
like you cut mine in half.

Goodbye, Pa.

Just wait till you see
what happens now.

Here we go.

Ma and Pa leave home
All the kids get glad

You know our house's
Gonna jump like mad

We're gonna jump, li'l children, jump

We're gonna jump, li'l children, jump

We're gonna jump, li'l children
Mama and Papa 's gone

Let's jump, jump, jump
Jump, jump, jump

Jump, jump, jump
Jump, jump, jump

We're gonna jump, li'l children
Mama and Papa 's gone

Play it for me, daddy!

That's a sexy look right there.

Oh, I like it, I like it.

Let's jump, jump, jump
Jump, jump, jump

Jump, jump, jump
Jump, jump, jump

Jump, jump, jump
Jump, jump, jump

Jump, jump, jump
Jump, jump, jump

We're gonna jump, li'l children
Mama and Papa 's gone

You know what I'm saying.

We're gonna jump, li'l children
Mama and Papa 's gone

Let's take them home, fellas.

We're gonna jump, li'l children
Mama and Papa's gone

Yeah, baby. Wrap it up right there.

I'm gonna take one of them
home tonight.

My name is Bobby Shad
and these are the Bad Men.

We gonna take a break,
then we be right back...

...to rock till the morning light,
all right?

Mr. Shad! Mr. Shad!
Wow, that was really great.

Hey, I play a little guitar.
If you ever need--

-Yes, sir?

I pay you to mop,
not bother the band.

My customers come to dance erotically,
and they need a clean floor to do it on!

Do your job or I'll find
somebody who will.

Yes, sir.

Lonesome blues

Dewey, will you cut out that racket?
I'm trying to feed your child!

How am I supposed to make it as
a famous musician if I don't practice?

Will you stop talking
about that music?

But it's my dream, baby.

I am tired of hearing about
your dreams, Dewey Cox.

You are a selfish dickhole.

Daddy said if we move home, he could
give you a job at the slaughterhouse.

You can make an honest living.

Wouldn't have to hang your head in
shame, walking around like a failure.

I think I'm doing okay for a 1 5-year-old
with a wife and a baby.

But, sweetheart...

...I thought you liked working
at the slaughterhouse for my daddy.

I did.

You got a real talent for this, boy.

Someday this is all gonna be yours.

It's just, as much as I loved it, Edith,
I want more than that.

Ain't no musician ever made
no money, Dewey.

What? Of course they do.
Plenty of them do.

Name one.

-Slim Whitman.
-Who the hell is Slim Whitman?

All right, Frank Sinatra.

Who the hell is Frank Sinatra?

Edith, I am starting to think...

...that maybe
you don't believe in me.

I do believe in you.

I just know you're gonna fail.

-What are you talking about, Edith?
-What about my dreams?

Edith, I told you,
I can't build you a candy house!

It will fall down! The sun will
melt the candy! It won't work!

It will if it never rains.

Dewey, you have got
to give up your dream.

Dreams don't come true.

I am gonna make
this dream come true.

Nobody ever said it's gonna be easy.

It's hard.

It ain't easy to walk
to the top of a mountain.

It's a long, hard walk.

It's a rocky road.

But I plan on walking.

Oh, I'm gonna walk.


I will walk hard.

Walk hard.

I got a full house coming tonight.

If Bobby Shad can't play
I need to find someone who can.

I'm fine. I can play through the pain.

Should've thought before you punched
your landlord and got laryngitis.

I guess there's no music tonight.

Bullhickey! People come here
to dance erotically!

I ain't got no music,
I ain't got no nightclub.

Excuse me.

I play a little.

I don't know how
to tell you this, boy.

You're white.
This crowd will eat you alive.

I been watching Mr. Shad every night.
I know all the songs.

It'll be the same show.

It'll be just like Bobby Shad and the
Bad Men, only it'll be me tonight.

This is crazy.

But I ain't got no other choice.

I don't mean to put more
pressure on you, boy.

The suits from the record company
just got here.

Oh, okay.


-A little.
-Well, you should be.

Those Jews control show business.

Just lay it down
exactly like Bobby does.

Good evening. We're Bobby Shad
and the Bad Men. I'm Dewey Cox.

Bobby Shad couldn't be here tonight
so I'm gonna do his show for you.

And I hope you enjoy it.

This first song
we're fitting to do is....

Well, it's about....

It's about when your woman
catches you.

You know, she catches you
running around town...

...getting into all kinds of strange.

This is racially insensitive.

And she says, "Son, get your lazy,
two-timing, Negro ass up out of here."

-And you say to her:
-What's he doing? You see that?

You got to love your Negro man

You got to love your Negro man

You got to love your Negro man

You got to love your Negro man

You got to love, love

-ls he playing "Negro Man"?
-He is playing "Negro Man."

He's playing "Negro Man."

From early in the morning
Till late at night

You know I love your apples
Let me take a bite

You got to love your Negro man

You got to love your Negro man

You got to love, love, love, love, love

Your Negro man

Yeah, come on, Dewey.

I know I treat you wrong
And that ain't right

Let me put it on you, mama
And you'll feel all right

You got to love your Negro man

You got to love your Negro man

You got to love, love, love, love, love

Your Negro man

Now, that's what I call
winning over an audience.

Go, Dewey, go.

I like what you did out there tonight.
Have you ever made a recording?

Oh, Mr. L'Chaim, Mr. Mazeltov,
that's been my dream.

He's not the one you want.
I'm the one you want.

-I think he's the one we want.
-He's got a nice thing.

He's not bad with the singing and the
playing and the shaking of the tochis.

I think you've got what it takes
to make it in the big time.

The big time?

When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie

That's amore

When the world seems to shine

What the hell is this?

Pizza pie. What's in a pizza pie?

Bells will ring
Ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling

And you'll sing "Vita bella"

Hearts will play

Please, I can't anymore.

That's what I was gonna say.

-That's amore

That is amore

All right. Hold, please. Stop that.
Stop your singing!

Stop your singing this instant,
young man!

I will not have this in my studio!

That's just a terrible, terrible...

...terrible, terrible "That's Amore."

Maybe it was a wrong song choice?

If you just let me play one of my songs,
I think you'll like it a whole lot better.

You have failed conclusively.
It's over.

And there is nothing
that you can do...

...here in this room
that can turn that around.

Nothing you can do that can make up
for what you did to "That's Amore."

-Well, my mother liked it a whole lot.
-Your mother was wrong.

I was willing to open my mind...

...because these Jewish gentlemen
brought you in here.

They usually have good taste.

And now here you are in front of me
pretending you can sing.

And I have to say that today...

...your performance has shaken
my belief in the Jewish people.

Well, there's nothing
I would like more, sir...

...than to restore your faith in Judaism,
if you could just give me that shot.

But I'll tell you,
you have failed so far...

...and if somehow you are able
to sing a song now...

...bringing these boys together
you haven't even met...

...and make something
so personal, so new...

...that the whole world takes notice...

...and that your life
is never the same again....

But I'm telling you right now,
I don't think it's going to happen.

Wait, wait, wait. We're here already.
What could it possibly hurt?

L'Chaim, I'll do it for you.
But just one more song.

All right.

All right, son. I'm gonna
give you 1 5 more seconds.

Thank you, sir.
I hope you won't regret it.

Dewey, we don't know this song.

You just follow me.

I don't know.

Walk hard


Walk hard?

Down life's rocky road

Walk bold


That's my creed

My code

I been scorned and slandered
And ridiculed too

Had to struggle every day
My whole life through

Seen my share of the worst
That the world can give

But I still got a dream
And a burnin' rage to live

Walk hard


Here is America's new hit song
"Walk Hard"...

...recorded just 35 minutes ago
by Dewey Cox.


Though they say

You're not the one

Even if you've been told
Time and time again

That you're always gonna lose
And never gonna win

You gotta keep that vision
In your mind's eye

When you're standin' on top
Of a mountain high

He walks so hard.

How do I walk, boys?


When I meet my maker
On my dying day

I'm gonna look him in the eye
And by God, I'll say

I gave my word
And my word was good

I took it in the face
And I walked as hard as I could

Oh, hey, Shorty. Hello, my darling.

I sang a song at a circus
in New Jersey.

They said, "We'll give you 5 grand."

I said, "No, you won't.
You'll give me that giraffe."

-And they did. They gave it right to me.
-That is one beautiful giraffe.

Thank you.

It'll just be a few weeks, Edith.

Who's gonna help me
take care of the children?

Dewey, you have got to
give up this dream.

You're never gonna make it.
Give it up, Dewey.

What are you talking about?
I got a number one hit on the radio.

I'm playing my music
for people who wanna hear me.

It's everything we always wanted,

I never get to see you anymore.
Your kids never get to see you.

I don't know how to tell you this.

I'm gonna miss some things, okay?

I'm gonna miss some birthdays
and some christenings.

I'm gonna miss some births, period.

Unrealistic to think I'm gonna be
here every time you have a baby.

But aren't you happy?
You have a beautiful new home.

All your fancy new clothes
and your monkey and your giraffe.

Look, what else you need?

How about I get you
a crow that could talk?

And I'll teach him phrases that I say.
"Good morning, honey."

-But it'll be a little crow talking.
-This ain't about no exotic pets!

It's about love,
you stupid piece of shit.


Don't you go in the bathroom.

Edith, please.

Mama said there's a lot of evil
on the road.


They'll make a man do evil things.

Edith, that is ridiculous.
Is that what this is all about?

There ain't no evil out there.

Come on, now, cupcake,
open the door.


My beautiful, beautiful,
beautiful angel.

You know how much I love you.

You and this fast-growing family
of ours...

...is the only thing
that matters to me.

You understand that?

Heck, life without you
would be like no life at all.

Like no life at all.

Where's a pencil? Where's a pencil?


Hello, baby!

Yeah, this is
the Big Bopper speaking.

Oh, you sweet thing.

Do I what?

Will I what?

Oh, baby, you know what I like.

Chantilly lace and a pretty face
And a ponytail

How are we supposed to follow that?

Don't worry, Dewey, you'll do great.

-Thanks, Buddy Holly.
-If you don't, I'll pick it back up.

-You got nothing to worry about.
-Oh, thank you.

I really like that "Walk Hard" song.

Oh, thanks.

I like that "Peggy Sue" song.
It's my favorite Buddy Holly song.

Thanks, Dewey.
I'm awful proud of that one.

Man, I'm awful nervous, Buddy Holly.

Dewey, you'll be fine,
or my name's not Buddy Holly.

Change of plans. Elvis wants
to get out of here early. He's hungry.

We'll change the order.
After the Big Bopper, it's Buddy Holly...

...then Elvis Presley,
and then you, Dewey Cox.

So it's the Big Bopper...

...and then Buddy Holly...

...and then Elvis Presley,
and then me?

Yeah. Just for tonight.

Well, I'm just happy to be here.

What am I doing?

I ain't good enough to follow Elvis.

What are you talking about, Dewey?

Nate. Nate, is that you?

You can do it, Dewey.
I know you can.

I know because I'm your brother,
and I believe in you.

But, hell, ain't nobody
can follow Elvis.

-Wait, did you say Elvis?

Elvis Presley?
The King of Rock 'n' Roll?

Yeah, Elvis Presley.

He has nine number one hits.

Nate, I understand that.

He has 50 million fans.

I'm aware of that, Nate.
That's why I'm out here.

I'm having a crisis.

Holy shit.

Dewey! The big fella's on his
final encore. Are you ready?

Yeah. I'm ready.



Dang, Elvis Presley, you didn't
have to rile them up like that.

What, now?

-No, I'm--
-Excuse me, what?

I'm just saying,
we gotta follow that and--

Well, sometimes you have to go all out
when you're the King.

Because there's only one man
who's the King.

God picks him, hand-plucks him.

One night, God looked down at all the
millions and millions of people, man...

...and he decided which one
was the best, and it was me.

He plucked me from all those millions
and millions of people, man.

-Listen to this, right now.

There's two things you need to know.
I'm the King. And number two is:

Look out, man! Look at that
coming at you. You see that?

It's called karate
and only two kinds of people know it.

The Chinese and the King.

And one of them is me.

You're the King.

On to Memphis, they want a nice little
honey and a little bit of June bug.


Come on, man....

Look out, man!

Well, thanks, Elvis.

Let's go. Come on, mama.

What the fuck was he talking about?

How y'all doing?
My name's Dewey Cox.

And, well, looks like I got some
proving myself to do.


Walk hard


Down life's rocky road

Wow, great playing, boys.

The fillies love you, Dewey.

If I wasn't married with a good head on
my shoulders, I don't know what I'd do.

You gotta get back out there.
They are going crazy.

Let me splash some water
on my face.

Okay. Hurry up!

Golly, that rock 'n' roll.

-Get out of here, Dewey.
-What are y'all doing in here?

We're smoking reefer,
and you don't want no part of this shit.

You're smoking reefers?

Of course we are.
Can't you smell it?

No, Sam, I can't.

Come on, Dewey, join the party.

No, Dewey, you don't want this.
Get out of here!

I don't want no hangover.
I can't get no hangover.

It doesn't give you a hangover.

Will I get addicted to it
or something?

It's not habit-forming.

Oh, okay, well....

I don't know.
I don't wanna overdose on it.

You can't OD on it.

It's not gonna make me
wanna have sex, is it?

It makes sex even better.

Sounds kind of expensive.

It's the cheapest drug there is.

You don't want it.

I think I kind of want it.

Okay, but just this once.
Come on in.

-What do I do?
-Like this.

Oh, my.

Hey, listen, folks. I'd like to play
a song I wrote for a very special lady.

I'm talking about Mrs. Dewey Cox.

Oh, my darlin'

Oh, my darlin'

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I have a perfect life

You are the perfect wife

I don't know why

I sit and cry

And now I miss you so

Please don't let me go

I make mistakes and that is true

At least I learn each time I do

Here, have some of this.

Darling, you must believe

I could never leave you
If I tried

A life without you

Is no life at all

Oh, my darlin'

Oh, my darlin'

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Beth Anne.

Can I get that for you?

Thanks, Dewey.

Tears fall in vain

I'm standing in the rain

No matter how I feel

I never seem to know what's real

So sharpen up your knives

-Can I get that for you?
-Thanks, Dewey.

I'm a bad horse.

Phil, can I get that for you?

Thanks, Dewey.

Darling, you must believe

I could never leave you
If I tried

Phil? What happened?

A life without you

Is no life at all

Well, the tour's going
real great, baby.

Yeah, we're having a real nice time.

Yeah, the boys have been
playing great...

...and the audiences have been
just wonderful, so....

-When you coming home?
-Soon, baby, real soon.

We gotta hit the major markets in
the Northeast, Chicago, Detroit--

Dewey, could you shut up? I'm trying to
have sex with these women down here.

Who's that?

Oh, that's Sam.

-He's just looking for his drumsticks.

Excuse me.

Anyway, you don't wanna hear about
this boring stuff. How was your day?

Oh, you know,
just taking care of the kids.

Went down to Wilson's Market
the other day to pick up some milk.

Completely out of milk.
I had to go down to Peach Street.

-I hate going down there.
-Oh, brother. Can you believe it?

-Yes, Bert?
-Hey, Dewey.

-You want a cup of coffee?
-No, thank you.

Will you give me a minute?
I'm on the phone here.

-Who's that?
-That's Bert, my roadie.

Just wants to know if I want any coffee
or anything like that.

Dewey, there's a distance growing
between us, I feel, and I don't like it.

Oh, now, that is crazy talk, Edith.

You know
I'm just the same old Dewey.

-Hey, Dewey.
-Yes, Bert?

You seen my sandals?

I don't know.
I'm talking to my wife, Bert.

Baby, there's somebody at the door.
I gotta go.

Can I call when I get to New Jersey?

Okay. Bye, Dewey.

-I love you.
-All right.

-I love you.
-I love you.

-You're never gonna make it, okay?
-Okay, bye.



What are you doing here?

It's about your mama.

Ma? What about her? Is she okay?

We better step out into the hall.

-What happened?
-I'll tell you what happened.

We were readying for bed
when your song comes on the radio.

It's Dewey!

Your son is talented.
You should be proud.

Well, I must admit,
it is kind of catchy.

Dance with me, Pa.

It does make you kind of wanna move,
doesn't it?

It sure does.

Maybe I have been
kind of hard on little Dewey.

Maybe you have.

Be careful, Ma.

-You all right, Ma?
-I'm all right.

The vertigo, it won in the end.

She lost her balance...

...and fell out the window...

...and then the radio
crushed her head?

While she was dancing to your song.

I thought you should know
what your music does.

It kills people.

You made her happy
and it killed her.

If Nate was alive,
this never would have happened.

Wrong kid died.

Damn you, God!

How could you let my mama
fall out a window?

And then let a radio
hit her on the head?

-Get out of here, Dewey.
-What are y'all doing in here?

It's called cocaine,
and you don't want no part of this shit.


What's it do?

It turns all your bad feelings
into good feelings.

It's a nightmare.

I'm thinking maybe I'd like to try me
some of that cocaine.

When I meet my maker
On my dying day

Look him in the eye
And by God I'll say

I gave my word
And my word was good

I took it in the face
And I walked as hard as I could

Walk hard
Walk hard, hard, hard

Walk hard, hard, hard

All right, again. Faster.

This is crazy, Dewey. Ain't nobody
gonna wanna listen to music like this.

Standing there
playing as fast as you can...

...singing like some sort of punk.

Don't you dare try to stifle me.

Whose band is this anyway,
you cocksucker!

I'll punch you in the mouth!

Oh, God. I'm sorry, Dave.

No, I didn't mean that.

Just with my mama dying and all,
I'm just all twisted up inside.

Mr. Cox?

I heard you were looking for a new
backup singer. For your new duet.

You heard right.

I was wondering if you might like
to give me a try.

I reckon I might.

I've been singing in my church choir
since I was a girl.

I like the sound of that.

Darlene Madison.

Dewey Cox.

Hello, Darlene.

Hello, Mr. Cox.

You ready to sing one?

I'm always ready.

Well, all right.

In my dreams you're blowin' me

Some kisses

That's one of my favorite things
To do

You and I could go down

In history

That's what I'm prayin' to do with you

Let's duet

In ways that make us feel good

Let's duet

And make that sacred sound

Dewey Cox!
I am not that kind of woman.

-All right.

...that doesn't mean
that we still can't be friends.


Well, then, here's to us
being great friends.

I can't! We're friends!

I'm gonna beat off

All my demons

That's what lovin' Jesus' all about

Lookin' in your eyes I start believin'

Let's bring this whisper to a shout

Let's duet

In ways that make us feel good

Put two and two together

Perfect harmony we've found

We know it's only natural

Let's duet

I just wanna make out

What you're sayin'

Read my lips
It's what you're lookin' for

Here I am a-sneakin' up behind you

You can always come in
My back door

Let's duet

Darlene, these last three weeks
have been so...

...full and wonderful.

We've shared so many activities
together as good friends.

It's like you understand me
the way nobody else ever has.

I mean, if I--

-What is it, Dewey?
-I don't know.

It's nothing. I'm fine.

Nothing? You look like
you seen a ghost.

I got a lot of pain in me, Darlene.

You should know that.

Where does all that pain
come from, Dewey?

Did you ever have something
that you really loved...

...that you accidentally...

...killed, or hurt in some way,
with a machete?

-No, me neither.

-Wouldn't that be terrible?
-How would you live?

I know, right? Exactly.

Darling Darlene

Darling Darlene

I'm in love with you
I'm havin' fun with you

I'm in love with you
I'm on the run with you

I'm in love with you
And I'll be one with you one day

Thanks for letting me sleep
in your bunk, Dewey.

Gotta sleep somewhere, right?

-Dewey, I can't.
-I know. I know.

We both know that the sexual tension
between us is palpable.

Don't you know that I wrestle with
the same temptations you do?

I know I shouldn't be saying this
to you, Dewey...

...because we're not married
and we're just friends...

...but sometimes I lie awake at night
aching for a man's touch.

And by "a man's touch,"
I mean a penis in my vagina.

It's just so silly.

Oh, that's so silly.

-Well, we better get some sleep.

Take my hand, Dewey.

Let's promise to never, ever give in
to our lesser desires.

After all, we're not married.

I'm ready for sex.

I been waiting for this for so long.

Me too.

From the moment I laid eyes on you.

Oh, my.

Dewey, I'm nervous.

Don't worry, angel.
I'll show you the ways of love.


Oh, Dewey.



-Who are you?
-I'm his wife, that's who I am.

No, you're not. I'm his--

-Good Lord, you're already married?
-I can explain.

Explain to her? You should explain
to me. I am the mother of your children.

-It's not what it looks like.

It's not what it looks like.

Not what it looks like to me,
or not what it looks like to her?

It's gotta be the way it looks like
to at least one of us.

We're married.

I did the right thing.
It's not like we're not married.

If you're married,
you can't get married again.

I know, I know, and that was wrong,
but it's just....

We were such good friends.

You told me about that dream
where you were licking my balls...

...and that seemed like a signal,

I forgot.

I'm leaving you, Dewey Cox,
and I will see you in court!

No, Edith! Don't go!

Oh, well. She's gone now.

I'm leaving too. You got the order
of things all backwards.

Darlene, don't go!

Edith, don't go either!

I made a mistake.
I made a terrible mistake.

Edith! Edith! Edith!

-Leave me alone, Dewey.
-I never meant no harm to you.

Edith. Cupcake.

Baby, you don't know what it's like out
there on the road. It's lonely out there.

Edith, I can't be alone.

Maybe you should've thought of that
before you got double married.

Is that what this is about?

Don't you stand there and judge me
like I'm some kind of criminal.

You are a criminal.
This is illegal, Dewey.

What do you mean?

It's illegal to be married to two people
at the same time, Dewey.

What about if you're famous?
Is that--?

You never done nothing
you shouldn't have done?

What have I ever done?

You woke up in the middle
of the night and drank the milk.

I got up to have my cornflakes,
there's none left.

Dewey, you cheated on me!

So I'm a cheater,
but you can just drink up all the milk.

Okay. All right, that's fine, I get it.
You're innocent, and I'm guilty.

Guilty as charged.

Guilty as charged

Don't you dare write a song
right now, Dewey!

You know what? Go ahead.
Take the children. I don't care.

All I need is my music.

I don't need you.

And I don't need you.

And I don't need you.

And I don't need you.

You're just sitting there
all high and mighty in your diaper.

If anything, you need me.
You're a baby.

Come on, Miles.

Don't you dare take Miles.

You can take the children,
but you leave me my monkey.


Goodbye, Dewey Cox.

No! No, come back.

Don't leave me, Edith.

"Don't leave me, Edith."
There's a title for a song.

That's not a bad title,
but please don't leave me.

What have you done?

I'm telling you, I've had it.
I've had it with all this crap.

You took her side every time.

All you care about is fruit
and touching yourself. Well, fuck you.

Get out of here.
You don't want no part of this.

-What y'all doing in here?
-We doing pills, uppers and downers.

They're the logical next step for you.

I want some of that shit.

Good morning, Your Honor.
May I approach the bench?

I don't give a damn
What anyone thinks

I stay up all night
And I smoke and I drink

I'm a wanted man
And I'm blowin' town

Don't waste your time
Tryin' to hunt me down

The cops are sayin'
I belong behind bars

And I'm guilty


I'm guilty as charged

Does Dewey seem unhappy to you?

He's changed, I tell you,
he's changed.

That was early Dewey,
this is middle Dewey.

Dewey, are you enjoying yourself?

What? Oh, I'm sorry.
I forgot you were here.

Hey, Dave. I like your girl better,
let's switch.

-Well, Dewey, this is my wife.
-Oh, nice to meet you.

Well, this is Kathy.
Kathy, this is Dave.

Come on, darling.
So where you from?

Hi there.


I'm guilty as charged

I ain't askin' God to forgive my sins

Take a good look
And you'll know where I've been

I'm dancin' with the devil
Every night and every day

People pay attention to the things
That I say


Hey, Jerry, I'm a long-time listener
and a first-time caller.

Yeah, I just wanted to say
I love the show, keep it up.

Am I on the radio right now?

I'm guilty as charged

If you're sayin' my love is too large

Then I'm guilty

Goddamn it,
this is a dark fucking period!

Oh, I'm guilty

-Freeze! Hands above your head.
-It's not what it looks like.

I'm guilty as charged


You got me.

Come on, Mr. Cox. How about it?
Look here.

I'm guilty as charged

Cox, you got a visitor.

Prison has changed me.

I understand the common man
in a way I never did before.

I gotta get out of here, so I can
bring joy to the men back in here.

But I don't wanna live with them.

Lean closer.

I'm going to speak to you
in my language...

...so that the guards can't understand
what I'm saying.

There must be something you can do.

I'm 21 years old.

I got my whole life ahead of me....

We think we can get you off.

What do I have to do?

You gotta go to rehab.


-Oh, rehab. Okay, okay, I gotcha.

Doctor! Doctor!

-I'm so cold.
-We need more blankets.

We need more blankets.


-I'm so hot!
-I think he has too many blankets.

Fewer blankets!

I'm hot and cold at the same time!

He needs more blankets
and he needs less blankets.

I'm afraid you're right.


My wife sends her love...


Dewey, tall and powerful

Dewey, I don't know if you can
hear me in there...

...but the wrong kid died.

Dewey. Do you mind
if we get stoned in here?

He can't hear you.
He's gonna die anyway.

Are you ready to go home,
Dewey Cox?


I could never get you
out of my head.

Me neither.

I could never stop
thinking about you.

But I wasn't gonna be
no home wrecker.

Now that I'm your only wife though,
it seems different.

I'm a new man, Darlene.
Prison and rehab have changed me.

All these blankets
have saved my life.

I think you're finally ready to be
the man I always thought you could be.

Let me get this off.

I love you.

I love you too.

Oh, my God.

Oh, don't stop.

Don't stop. Don't stop, Dewey.

Oh, God.

Oh, yes!

Hey, boys, have you seen Dewey?

I think I saw him in the barn
with Wavy Gravy

I saw him by the creek
talking to Donovan.

No, I think he was painting
a portrait with Joni Mitchell.

Jerry Garcia, brother,
have you seen Dewey?

I think I saw him in the study,
Sister Darlene.

Thanks, Jerry Garcia.

Hey! Casey, Jones,
watch your speed.

Come on, Dewey. It's almost time
for Dewman's cake.

All right. It's just-- It's hard for me
to sit around at some birthday party...

...when I know there's so much
injustice going on in this world.

-I know.
-My daddy was right.

I can't spend all my time
thinking about Dewey Cox no more.

I've got to think about
the other people.

Like your family?

No, I mean, like, people that's having
injustices done to them.

Like women and midgets and such.

I mean, it's 1 966, Darlene.
And, baby...

...I'm feeling it.

I know. The '60s are an important
and exciting time.

Aren't they? It's like there's
something happening here.

And what it is ain't exactly...


I have to try to help people
with my music.

Some people are saying that your new
music sounds a lot like Bob Dylan.

Well, maybe Bob Dylan
sounds a lot like me.

How come nobody
ever asks Bob Dylan:

"Why you sound
so much like Dewey Cox?"

Mailboxes drip like lampposts in
The twisted birth canal of the coliseum

Rimjob fairy teapots
Mask the temper tantrum

Oh, say can you see 'em?

Stuffed cabbage is the darling
Of the Laundromat

The mouse with the overbite explained
How the rabbits were ensnared

What the hell is this song about?

I have no idea.

You guys are idiots.
This song is very deep.

Inside the three-eyed monkey
Within inches of his toaster-oven life

What do your parents think about
your protest songs?

What do your parents think about
my protest songs, Mr. TlME Magazine?

All the elevator buttons

So incredibly high

I stand today for the midget

Half the size of a regular guy

Let me hold you, little man

As the parade passes by

Let me hold you, little man

We'll make believe you can fly

You shout for me to put you down

But I'm marching today
For your cause

I'm banging the drum
Your big day will come

When they remake The Wizard of Oz

So let me hold you, midget man

Pretend that you're flying in space

Let me hold you, midget man

So the dog will stop licking your face

Sing with me!

Sing it!

Mr. Cox, why are you going to India?

Well, I'm searching for something,
if you must know.

I'm fixing to do some meditating
with the maharishi.

And Dewey Cox needs India
right now...

...and, heck, I reckon India
needs Dewey Cox too.

Only through meditation can we
begin to understand our role.

We're nothing but grains of sand.

That was freaking transcendental,
Paul McCartney.

-Don't you agree, John Lennon?
-Yes, Dewey Cox.

With meditation there's no limit
to what we can...


What do you think, George Harrison?

I don't know. I'm just trying to get some
more songs on the album, you know.

And as Ringo Starr,
I'm not so interested in meditation.

I just like to have fun.

-I like the little one.
-It's so dark in this tent.

Reminds me when we, the Beatles,
the four Beatles, us--

-From Liverpool.
-Yes, we are from Liverpool.

We used to play those dark clubs
in Hamburg. Remember that, Paul?

Of course I do, I booked them.
I'm the leader of the Beatles.

Well, I have to say I like your stuff.
It's pretty good.

And most of your records,
I really enjoy.

We're big fans of your records too.

We like to think that Hard Day's Night
is our Guilty as Charged.

-Great record.
-Excellent album.

-We learned a lot from you.
-Great record.

-We're big fans of y'all.
-Huge fans.

You're almost as good as the Monkees.
You guys are great.

I think I might adjourn to another
dimension, take some LSD.

-Do you care to join me?
-Yeah, let's do that.

Care to join us for some LSD?
It's good for you.

-Built by scientists, it is.

Gotta check with headquarters.

Come on, Dewey Cox.
Think you might enjoy it.

Open your mind to a new experience,
a new level of consciousness...

...Iike we do,
because we are the Beatles.

Let him decide.
If he wants to take LSD, he'll take it.

He doesn't have to listen to you.
You're not the boss of him.

Don't tell me what to say
and what not to say, Paul McCartney.

I'm sick of you being so dark when I'm
so impish and whimsical. I'm sick of it.

Hey, everyone,
I've got a brand-new mantra:

Paul's a big fat cunt.

Don't know why you
don't let me write more songs.

You know, I just sit here while me
guitar quietly whimpers, you know.

You are the quiet one,
so why don't you shut the fuck up?

I've got a song about an octopus.

Jam it up your ass. You're lucky
we still let you play drums.

Wow, seems like there's a rift
happening between the Beatles.

I wonder if your songs will
still be shit when I'm 64.

-Great sod.
-No, stop it!

You bastard! You sissy.

Beatles. Please stop fighting
here in India.

No, no, let them go.
Let them work it out.

Taste it.

Right there in the bollocks.


Dewey, you been living clean
for three years now...

...and it's done you a world of good,
has it not?

I know I've had trouble
with drugs in the past.

But I'm addicted to coke, weed, booze,
ludes and speed. Not LSD.

Nobody gets addicted to LSD.

It was invented by scientists.
Ringo Starr just told me.

I heard that doing LSD
can awaken your demons.

I ain't got no demons
gonna get woke.

If you promise
it'll just be this one time.


Let's go drop acid with the Beatles.

Hello, Dewey.

Welcome to your LSD trip.

Where everything's a cartoon.

We're the trippy cartoon Beatles.

Look at that. It's a flying fish.

Totally trippy!

Wow, this LSD's all right.

I like being a trippy cartoon.

Just keep thinking
happy thoughts, Dewey.

I'd hate for this
to turn into a bad trip.

What's that scary music?

I had an unhappy thought.

It's a bad trip.

Bad trip, bad trip!

Help! Trippy machete!

Oh, fuck me.
I can see my large colon.

I guess I do have some demons.

You all right, Cox?

I don't know.

Do you want some more LSD?

Yeah. I think I do.

Mr. Schwartzberg, you're his long-time
manager. Maybe you can talk to him.

Well, what's the problem?

He's been on that trampoline
for four days.

You have got to talk some sense
into him. I'm worried.

Dewey, as your manager,
I have to tell you I'm concerned.

I think the LSD has changed you.

It has changed me.
It's opened my mind right up.

I'm reinventing music.

I'm creating something new
that I call "shmusic."

You've recorded the same song for
months. You're not close to finished.

Because this record is different
than any other I've made.

I told you. This is going to be
my masterpiece.

The one I'm remembered by.
It's for my brother.

What brother?

Nothing. Never mind. It's private.

I've got this sound in my head
and it's trying to get out.

I can't find it on this human plane of
existence. I've got to keep searching.

But I'll tell you what,
I'm gonna find it.

You guys should make friends.
He's a wonderful man.

Professor, good morning.
All right, everyone. Thank you.

I've just been outside,
I had a little bounce.

What we're going to do is
run through the entire piece...

...in our minds, silently.



As we sit here together
on Thanksgiving...

...on our beautiful trampoline...

...I think we should take a moment to
think about what it's like to be a turkey.

Gobble, gobble, gobble.
Gobble, gobble, gobble.

"Hi, I'm just a little turkey."

Just cut the damn bird, boy.

Dewey? Can we just enjoy
our Thanksgiving dinner?

You think you're so great
sitting there all drugged up...

...on your trampoline.

You're the black sheep
of this family.

You call yourself a Cox.

Until you get right with Jesus...

...you'll never be nothing
but a big, black Cox.

Nothing I do will ever please you,
will it?

We're both Cox, Pa.
Both of us are Cox.

I've got 1 37 musicians
waiting on me.

You'll have to excuse me.

Dewey, watch the turkey.

I wasn't dreaming

Barely awake

Off to the grinder we stroll

This is not a good song.

It's like five songs on top
of each other at the same time.

Not even a song.
It's some kind of concerto.

Just let him work it out.

Masterpieces take time.

Do you hear that?
That goat's been singing...

...more than I am on this damn song.


That was beautiful, Dewey.
It was perfection.

Yeah, even the goat was perfect.

Yeah, the goat was good.
Were the strings tangy enough?

Oh, they were tangy.
They were very tangy.

Unbelievably tangy.

No, guys, the strings were not tangy!
They were salty!

Am I crazy?

Let's do one more time.
Okay, strings, lean into it.

I want it really tangy this time.
Now, Mike, you're flatting.

Bushmen, make it sound like
you're in the fucking bush, okay?

Back off the goat
on the second pre-chorus.

I wanna hear his heart, not his soul.

Sam, go back to that thing you did
yesterday on the bridge.

-What did I do?
-It sounded like velvet pancakes.

-Yeah, right.
-Okay, everybody, one more time.

What on earth is a velvet pancake?

It's the LSD.
I think it's having an effect on him.

From the top of the overture.
Slate it.

"Black Sheep," take 1 1 2.

One, and a two,
and a five, six, seven, eight.

I just close my eyes
When I fantasize

Much to my surprise
I'm only half the size

That I used to be

Bye-bye, white brother

This black sheep gotta roll

It's on the beat!

I just open up
Like a catacomb

Though my heart is half
From the half-F tone

That tickles.

Bye-bye, pastures of plenty

I don't know where I will

-Black sheep, black sheep

Like that, with some urgency.

Not, "I'm in the yard.
I wanna go outside."

Like, "I'm about to die." Like that.

The blade has been swung

Black sheep, black sheep

All right? Here we go.

Push. Push, baby, push.

-Are we recording this?

Well, we should be. Get a microphone.
Push, baby.


Push! Push!

I'm losin' my fleece from tryin'

I'm losin' no sleep
I'm dyin'

Why shouldn't I keep from cryin'?


I'm losin' my fleece from tryin'

I'm losin' no sleep
I'm dyin'

Why shouldn't I keep from cry--?

It's still not finished yet.

I'm hearing more
aboriginal percussionists.

And I want an army of didgeridoos.
Fifty thousand didgeridoos!

Folks, can we have a moment
with Dewey?

What the hell are these songs about?

You're singing about
cutting people in half--

I'm working something out.
It's called a metaphor.

Well, what are you working out?

It's secret.
That's why it's called metaphor.

That's what metaphor means. Secret.

I just don't see why you gotta
throw away the recipe, is all.

Why don't we just go in there, lay down
some tracks like we always done?

Yeah, why can't we just walk hard?

What do we need
all these people for?

I don't need people around me
stifling me.

So if you don't like it,
there's the door.


Are you saying
you don't need us no more?

Not unless you can open your mind
and learn to play the fucking theremin.

Fuck you, Dewey!

Yeah, fuck you, Dewey.

In 20 years not once have you
thrown a woman my way.

You don't think we like
cheating on our wives too?

And you never once paid for drugs.
Not once!

You pay that chimp
more than you pay us.

I had to borrow from the chimp
to get a mortgage on my house.

And those stupid Siamese glass cats
you get us every year for Christmas.

I don't want any more
Siamese glass cats!

The Siamese cat is a symbol of nobility
in ancient Egypt.

Fuck nobility!

Fuck ancient Egypt.

Fuck cats!

And you never paid for drugs.

Not once.

You slept with my wife.

You slept with me too!

And I've had confused feelings
about that for 1 0 years now!

And you never once paid for drugs.

Not once.

You're on your own, Dewey Cox.

We're leaving.

Well, I guess this is the end of
a chapter in your life, Dewey Cox.

What's happened to you,
Dewey Cox?

Stay out of this, Darlene!

You're driving away the people
who love you most!

I don't need anybody, Darlene.

All I need is my music.

This ain't about your music, Dewey.
It's about the drugs.

Honey, I told you
I'm gonna quit again.

As soon as the record's done.
Whenever that is.

Look, you can't rush a masterpiece.

You need to take a break. You need
to clean yourself up, otherwise--

Otherwise what?

Otherwise I can't be married
to you no more.

I know you don't mean that.

I believe you know that I do.



You'll take a break?

I will take a break.

And you'll quit the drugs?

And I will quit the drugs.


Oh, baby. I've been praying
about this day for so long.

-What did you just put in your mouth?

-You ain't chewing no gum.

-What did you put in your mouth?
-It's PCP.

Oh, you just said--!

I'm going to town!

Get out of the road, you jerk!


Hey! What's going on?

There he is!

Dewey! Get off that building!
It's inappropriate!

Dewey Cox, you give me no choice.

It breaks my heart,
but I'm leaving you.

I'm Zeus!

No mortal can stop me! I'm Zeus!




This is what I'd look like
if I'd grown up...

...and perhaps hadn't been murdered,
or whatever.

I just came to tell you
you need to get your shit together!

I know.

I've fallen again.

Listen to yourself.
Whining like a little bitch.

If I was alive right now, I'd be the
fucking president of the United States.

I'd be on the moon, walking around
looking for aliens to kill.

-You know why Dad liked me better?

Because I was better than you.

When I played the piano,
I was fucking awesome.

Well, you think
it's been easy for me?

Since you're gone
I got no sense of smell.

Oh, you got no sense of smell?

You can't smell anything?
You can't smell anything?

I got no sense of having legs,

I have no life!
I'm dead because somebody...

...I'm not gonna point out
names right now...

...decided to murder me
with a machete.

-I can't even smell, touch, feel.

I can't even masturbate. You ever try
to jerk off with a ghost hand? Nothing!

I'm just trying to say
you need to fix this shit.

You need to get out of that bathtub.
Start writing songs again.

Is he almost done
thinking about his life?

He just reached the '70s.

Schwartzy, I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know what's going on with me.

I got the song block.

Song block.

I don't need to write any new songs.

I'll just do my old ones. We'll do
a oldies tour. I'll do "Walk Hard."

Dewey, "Walk Hard"
is over 20 years old.

Well, a lot of people like
my old songs.

Old people like your old songs.

May I make a suggestion?

Are you familiar with
the Donny & Marie show?

-The television show?
-I got a call from CBS.

They wanna do the same kind
of show with you.

I'm a serious musician.
I'm not some TV personality.

Well, why can't you be both? Look
at those goofy bastards on Hee Haw.

Well, I do love Hee Haw.

Television, Dewey. It's the way
into the people's hearts.

All right. You call them back today...

...and you tell Mr. CBS...

...that I will do it if I have
total creative control.

Dewey, you can't have
any creative control.


All right, let's just do it then.
Fuck it, let's do it.

I'm bored.

Live from Burbank, California.

It's The Dewey Cox Show.

And now your host, Dewey Cox!

-Walk hard


Down life's rocky road

-Walk bold


That's my creed

My code

I been scorned and slandered
And ridiculed too

Had to suffer every day
My whole life through

Seen my share of the worst
That the world can give

But I still got a dream
And a burnin' rage to live

Walk hard

Walk hard

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the show.

We've got a great one.

To get things rolling,
I'd like to bring out my first guest...

...a model I think is pretty super:
Miss Cheryl Tiegs.

Well, hello, Cheryl.
Don't you look lovely tonight.

Well, thanks so much, sir.
So do you.

Cheryl, you know, you remind me
of a 1 977 Corvette.

Why is that?

Because you're
a beautiful new model.

Just kidding.

Would you do me the honor
of joining me for a song?

Well, I thought you'd never ask,
Mr. Cox.

Baby, come as you are
With just your heart

And I'll take you in

You're rejected and hurt

To me you're worth
What you have within

You don't have to be a star, baby

To be in my show

Good night, everybody.
We'll see you next week.

Good show.

-You ready, Dewey?
-Yes, I'm ready.

"Who Wants to Party?"
Dewey, lead vocal, take one.

Hey, hey
Who wants to party?

Hey, hey
Who wants to party?

Hey, hey
Who wants to party now?

I don't know. I'll see you in a minute.

All right. Everybody good?
Everybody good?

Whoa, Dewey.
Great party, great party.

Thanks, Patrick Duffy from Dallas.
Listen, mingle, enjoy yourself.

-Have sex with anybody you want.
-Well, can do.


Oh, my God, your show is such a hit.
You beat McCloud last week.

Well, thank you, Morgan Fairchild,
but I never pay attention to the ratings.

Just kidding. We're gonna
take a shit on Donnie & Marie.

-Oh, you do that, honey.

Hey, you. Are you gonna
save a dance for me, Dewey?

Well, you bet,
Cheryl Ladd from Charlie's Angels.

Hey there, Little Miss Cox-Tiegs.

Have you met my new wife,
Cheryl Cox-Tiegs?

We've met, yes.

Isn't that funny?
You're both named Cheryl.

Yeah. We're aware of that.

That is hilarious.

Hey, hey
Who wants to party?

I don't know what they're
talking about with this energy crisis.

Because I have plenty of energy,
all right? I am loaded with energy.

Look, I gave up politics
a long time ago.

You know, let somebody else march.
I wanna play Frisbee.

I'm on the beach.
I'm not marching on the beach.

Billy, don't be a hero

Don't be a fool with your life

Do me, Dewey.

I can't, Cheryl Ladd,
I'm married to Cheryl Tiegs.

Oh, I should've been your guest star
last week instead of her.

It could've been me.

"It could've been me."

It could have been me
Could've been me

Stay in it. Stay in it.

It could've been me

Rocky ro--

No! You're repeating yourself!

Why can't I write
a fucking song anymore?

I love the nightlife
I got to boogie

On the disco 'round

Oh, yeah

I told you
I love the nightlife

I got to boogie

On the disco 'round
Oh, yeah

I'll tell you, I've never been
so truly satisfied.

Living here in this beautiful
beach house with you...

...my beautiful Cheryl Cox-Tiegs.

The ratings are great.
These are the salad days.

Yeah, I've been looking for something
my whole life, and this is it.

I'm finally truly satisfied.

Goodbye, love

Goodbye, love

You are not going home.
You are sleeping in the guestroom.


Because you're the only one
who stuck around.

Everyone else got sick of it
and left...

...but you stuck around,
which means you're my friend.

There's a starman waiting in the sky

He'd like to come and meet us

But he thinks he'd blow our minds

There's a starman waiting in the sky

He's told us not to blow it
'Cause he knows it's all worthwhile

He told me

Let the children use it
Let the children lose it

Let all the children boogie

Goddamn it!

I mean, what do I have to do
to get you on my bone? Invent fire?

And then huge laugh and we go
to commercial. All right, take five.


Great rehearsal, Dewey.
Very funny sketch.

Thank you.
Have you seen the ratings?

We're getting our ass kicked
by The Incredible Hulk.

Well, last night's episode
was a very special episode.

They revealed that the Incredible Hulk
has an evil twin.

And he's not green. He's red.

I know. It was amazing.
Did you see it?

You can't compete with that.
But we do need to do more promotion.

Here's what we'll do. We'll introduce
people to the new Dewey Cox.

I got a girl here to interview you.
She's from the local affiliate in Dallas.

I don't know.
I'm not so good on interviews.

Bubbe, it's a puff piece.
It's very puffy.

All you have to do
is remind the audience...

...you're not mainlining acid anymore.
And the show, it's a lot of fun, right?

-You're having fun.

It's on every Thursday night
after the local news.

"It's on every Thursday night after your
local news. I'm not mainlining acid."

-Oh, I'm not gonna promise that.

-Whatever you're comfortable with.
-"I don't smoke angel dust anymore.

So don't be afraid."
Something like that?

Why don't you tell us about
your new TV program?

Gail, it's a variety show.
I do a little bit of everything.

I do some singing, some dancing,
chatting with the guests...

...the skits, the monologues,
the comedy.

Wonderful. Comedy.

It really is a lot of fun.

We'll have more fun when we come
back from this word from our sponsors.

Don't go away.

Okay, you know what, I gotta tell you,
my heart goes out to you.

I know what it's like to be on
a piece-of-shit television program...

-...because I'm hosting one right now.
-Excuse me?

Must wanna blow your fucking
brains out, I'll bet. I know I do.

And we're back
with Mr. Dewey Cox.

We're talking about the fun
he's having on his show.

But right now, let's talk about your
lovely wife, Darlene. How's she doing?

Darlene and I separated
some years ago, Gail.

Oh, okay. Guess I didn't
do my homework.

And to answer your question,
I miss her terribly.

Well, that's sweet.

Why don't we talk about your parents?
They've gotta be proud of you.

Well, my mom is dead.

And my pa and I don't
speak to each other...

...so we're not very close.

We can always cut around this
if it gets too pathetic.

Tell us about your kids.
I know you got a whole slew of them.

I'm locked in a custody battle
at this time.

Custody is being forced upon me,
which I don't think is right.

You know, if you don't want
the responsibility of children...

...you should be able to walk away...

...and apparently a couple of my
ex-wives don't feel the same. So, yeah.

Wherever my kids are, they're watching
The Dewey Cox Show...

...on Thursday nights at 8:00,
right after the local news.

And I just wanted to say
to everyone out there...

...I'm no longer mainlining acid
or smoking PCP.

It's official.

Okay. Why don't we lighten it up
just a bit here?

You're so busy, Dewey Cox, do you
have time to stop and smell the roses?

I've got no fucking sense of smell.

All right, I'm done.

-Come on, folks. Do a little research.
-That would've been nice information.

I'm sorry, I must be tired
from the show or something.

-It's okay.
-Yeah, Dewey, it's okay.

No, it's not okay.
I should be able to do this.

We're in no rush.

Should we get an
American Indian woman?

No, that won't help. I mean,
it should already be pretty exciting.

There's three of you.




You were supposed to be double great.
What the fuck is this bullshit?

-I know.
-All I'm asking...

...is that you write one

...that is the culmination
of your entire life.

How hard is that?

I'm empty, Nate. What do I do?

Dewey, who's the one person in your
life who's made you feel like shit?

-You need to talk to him, Dewey.

-I don't know.
-You need to hug him.

I have been putting this off
my entire life...

...but I think you might be right.

The wrong kid died

Hello, Pa.

What do you want?

I feel like there's some things
I need to say to you.

Well, go on. Talk.

I've realized that...

...I never really said I was sorry
for what happened with Nate.

Pa, I've spent my entire life...

...trying to find love with wives...

...and hotel clerks...

...and tollbooth attendants...

...and giraffes and monkeys
and trampolines...

...and men who dress like women
and men who look like you.

And I realized the only person
I've ever really wanted to love me...

...was you, Pa.

Dewey, I don't know what to say.

You don't have to say anything, Pa.

I just wanted to come here
and tell you that I loved you...

...and I always have.

I appreciate you finding the courage
to say that, Dewey.

But there's only one way
to settle this.


The right kid is gonna die tonight.

You've been practicing!

No, Pa. No!

I been waiting for this
for a long time!

You have?

Oh, no.

Oh, my goodness!

I halved myself.

Pa! No, Pa!

Dewey, I guess I never realized
until this moment...

...just how easy it is to accidentally
cut someone in half.

It is, right?

I'm sorry for blaming you, Dewey.

Of course you didn't mean
to cut Nate in half.

It's all so obvious now.


I should've been a better father
to you, Dewey.

I wish I spent more time
playing catch with you...

...and less time training my body
and mind to kill you in a machete fight.

You be a better father
than I was, Dewey.

I'll try, Pa.

It shouldn't be that hard.

In case I don't make it--

Pa! You're gonna make it!
It's the 1 970s!

They got all kinds of new procedures
that can attach tops to bottoms now!

Hang in there! You're gonna be fine!

I reckon you're probably right.
Now, go call the doctor...

-...and bring me some ice, a lot of ice.
-Some ice.

And a tourniquet.
Don't forget a tourniquet.

-All right, ice and a tourniquet?
-Ice and a tourniquet.

-And a tourniquet.
-Don't forget that tourniquet.

And you know those three words
you always wanted to hear, Dewey?

Well, here they are.

I love....

You love what?

Pa, you love what?

What was the third word?

Come on, one more word!


I want all you fucking parasites
out of my house...

...right now!

I said, everybody out!

Well, look at you,
you arrogant cocksucker.

-How dare you.
-What happened to you, Dewey?

I don't know what's happened to me,
but I know what happened to you.

Patrick Duffy took a beating.

Stop it, Dewey, you son of a bitch.

Stop it! Patrick Duffy was only
saying what we were all feeling.

You get the hell away from me,
Cheryl Cox-Tiegs!

If you tear that sink off the wall,
I'm leaving you.

-Oh, yeah?

I'm leaving you, Dewey Cox.



Yes, what is it, son?

I was just wondering
if you wanna have a catch.

A catch?


...there is nothing in this world
I want more...

...than to have a catch with you.

Son, forgive me,
this is going to sound strange...

...but what is your name again?

I'm Dewey Junior,
but my friends call me "Dewdrop."


It's nice to formally meet you,

So this is catch.

This is what I been missing out
on all them years on the road, huh?

I like it, it's wonderful. You throw
it to me, I throw it back to you.

It's so simple, and yet so powerful.

Boy, you're really terrible
at this game.

Well, I mean, you never really
played with me before.

How am I supposed to learn?
A boy needs a dad.

Yes, he does.

Well, I reckon we got some lost time
to make up, you and me.

And all your brothers and sisters.
How many of you are there?

Twenty-two brothers and sisters. And
also 1 4 half-brothers and half-sisters.

Holy shit.

This may take a while.

That's real good.

So beautiful.

Are you sure you're one of mine?

Go ahead and taste some dirt.

That's good dirt. That's good dirt.

On the surface,
Macbeth is about revenge.

But what is the subtext?

A power struggle for the Scottish
royal family, that's what it is.

I just gave you it.
That one's a mulligan.


Hello, Dewey.


It's Dewina's birthday. I brought her
a present. It's a bracelet.

How's Glen Campbell?

He and I split up a long time ago.


It's just me these days.

At age 50.

Would you care to take a walk
with me, Darlene Madison?

I haven't been playing much music.

I realize now I wasn't much of a father
when I was out on the road.

Now this is what makes me happy.

Not the music, not getting high...

...just my family.

That's all I care about.

And that family is missing one piece,

My God, you're as beautiful
as the day I met you.

You don't want this dirty old Cox.

Oh, I want it more than ever.

Did you wash your hair today?

I sure did. How could you tell?

It smells terrific.

I smelt it.

You mean...?

I smelt it!

I can smell again!

I smelt it!

-I smell you.
-Smell it.

Oh, you've been driving me wild.

I smelt it! I smelt it!

I smelt it, God!

It's a miracle!

I smell you, flowers.

I smell you, twig.

I smell horseshit!

It's horrible!

-But I can smell it!
-Smell that shit, baby!

I smelt it.

Anyway, that's when I learned...

...that Quaaludes and water-skiing
do not mix.

Now, you remember that.

How come you did all of that stuff,

Well, Dewey Rahim, I'll tell you.
I was young and stupid then.

I didn't understand a lot of things.

Think it had to do with how
I was reared as a boy.

But, you know, I got no complaints.

It's been a beautiful ride.

A beautiful ride?

A beautiful ride.

Dewey, sweetheart,
there's someone here to see you.

Mr. Cox.

I'm sorry, have we met?

You worked with my father,
Kvetch L'Chaim.

You're Mr. L'Chaim's boy?

Dreidel L'Chaim, that's me.

Well, it's nice to see you again,
Dreidel L'Chaim.

The pleasure's all mine.

Listen, Mr. Cox,
there's something I want to show you.

I never rock a fella
But I rock a Cinderella

While she's sittin' in between
A nigga's legs like a cello

Must be those pair of double-Ds

That got a nigga sittin'
Rock-hard in his jeans

Time to play
Make your mouth into a hole, yo

Tell me how I feel
When I'm rockin' your boat

-I wanna make you fuckin'

I'm so wet, I gotta make you


Mr. L'Chaim, how could you
allow them to do such a thing...

...with my husband's music?

Through the roof, we're selling.

Lil' Nutzzak. That's the rapper.
Sweet kid.

Anyway, he's introduced
a whole new generation...

...to the magic of Dewey Cox.

You could even play together.
Cox and Lil' Nutzzak. What a package.

Anyway, as if that was not enough...

...they're giving Dewey the Lifetime
Achievement Award next month.

The Lifetime Achievement Award?

Baby, that's wonderful.

You go on TV, they give you the award,
you play a song, it's a magical thing.

I can't go on TV and play.

-What? Why not?
-Why, Grandpa?

Hell, I'm 71 years old. I don't even
know if I can rock no more.

Of course you can rock, sweetheart.

Of course you can rock, sweetheart.

Well, I don't know that I can rock.

And besides that...

...I gave that life up for a reason.

I'm afraid of the temptations,

You can do it, Dewey.
I know you can.

Just go out there
and sing your song.

I'm gonna need my band.

My hip.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...please welcome Jewel, Lyle Lovett
and Jackson Browne.

Walk hard


Down life's

-Rocky road
-Rocky road

Walk bold


That's my creed

-My code
-My code

I been scorned and slandered
And ridiculed too

Had to struggle every day
My whole life through

Seen my share of the worst
This world can give

But I still got a dream
And a burnin' rage to live

-Hey there.


Oh, he is so cute.

What are you doing later, Dewey?

I am returning to the hotel
with my family.

Good night to you.

He fucked my grandma.

That's awesome.

Ghostface Killah.

Walking hard
I'm a real hard walker

Fast on the trigger
And a smooth talker

My guns pop out like a jack-in-the-box
I'll cut you in half like Dewey Cox

-Walk hard
-My skin stays scarred

You can ask God

Lots of ladies unsnapped they bras

Ask Lyle Lovett
I had sex on Mars

That's how we do it
When we walk hard

-Walk hard
-How do I walk? Hard as a stone

How do I walk?
Hard like a bone

-Walk hard
-How do I walk? Like a jackhammer tool

How do I walk?
Harder than Jewel

Tell me how we walk
Hard, hard, hard, hard

Oh, no. You're adorable.

Sam. What are y'all doing in here?

Dewey, get out of here.
You don't want no part of this shit.

What is it?

It's a medication
for erectile dysfunction.

It gives you a boner.

Not to be used if you have
a heart condition.

If boners last for more than four hours,
call more ladies.

Well, that does sound tempting.

But do you know what, Sam?
I really don't want no part of that shit.

Did you hear what I said?
It gives you a boner.

Hate to let you down, old friend...

...but I don't wanna succumb
to the temptations.

-My girl
-My girl

Talkin' 'bout my girl, yeah

My girl

The Temptations!

When it's cold outside

I got the month of May

Do I still have what it takes?

Am I still the man I used to be?

And do I even want to be?

You're still Dewey Cox.

And you're the only man
who ever will be.

But is that enough?

It's more than enough.

Nate. Have I fulfilled my promise
to be double great for the both of us?

Are you kidding?
You've made 44 gold records.

You've been addicted to,
and then kicked...

...almost every drug known to man.

You slept with 41 1 women
and three men.

Dewey, you have had
an awesome life.

I have, haven't I?

You sure have.

-Son, you learned the hard way.

You can't spend all your time
thinking about Dewey Cox.

You gotta think about the world
and your family.

But then, at the same time....

Are you my inner child?

-Yeah, Dewey, I'm you.
-He's us.

You realized you gotta take care
of Dewey Cox.

That's a little different
than what I was saying.

You're all right.

Pa, inner child, Nate,
my own reflection.

I've learned that I can't spend
all my time thinking about Dewey Cox.

And I've also learned
I need to love Dewey Cox.

I can't spend all my time
thinking about other people.

I have to focus on myself.

But also not focus on myself
and instead focus on other people.

It's all so clear now.

It's not about yourself
and other people.

-It's about the music.

-It's about the music.
-It always has been.

It always has been.

It always has been.

-Who are you?
-I'm your feminine side.

I've been waiting for you
to get in touch with me.

We heard him sing
about walking hard...

...and we learned a little something
about how we wanted to walk.

What do we think about
when we think about Cox?

He's been called the Drifter.

Also the Shape Shifter,
the Master Chef, the Chameleon.

The Problem Child. The Hard One.

The White Indian. The Giant Midget.

If Elvis and Buddy Holly are
the Cain and Abel of rock 'n' roll...

...and Bruce Springsteen
is Zechariah...

...Iggy Pop is Methuselah...

...and, of course, Neil Young
is the wise prophet Ezekiel...

...then what does
that make Dewey Cox?

Well, I don't know what God....

Mr. Cox?

I don't wanna rush him,
but he goes on in a minute.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it is my great honor to introduce...

...for the first time on-stage
in 25 years...

...performing his final masterpiece...

...that will sum up his entire life...

Mr. Cox?

...the one, the only...

I'm ready.

...Mr. Dewey Cox.

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

You'll forgive me if I'm a bit rusty.

This is the first song I've written
in a very long time.

I hope you enjoy it.

Now that I have lived

A lifetime's worth of days

Finally I see

The folly of my ways

So listen when I sing of

The temptations of this world

Fancy cars and needles

Whiskey, flesh and pearls

And then in the end

It's family and friends

Loving yourself

But not only yourself

It's about the good walk
And the hard walk

And the young girls you've made cry

It's about make a little music
Every day till you die

It's a beautiful ride

Beautiful ride

A beautiful ride

Beautiful ride


Beautiful ride

As I stand on the precipice of death

My perspective is enormous

Every leaf, every cloud

I see the hands
Which have formed us

And some days all you got

Is a nighttime graveyard walk

And you whistle some sweet melody

To the ghosts down at the dock

Sing into your hand

Lead the marching band

Don't you let 'em fade
Your colors gray

'Cause when all is said and done

When youth is spent and burned

You'll see that it's all about




Sharin' the good times

Travelin' not just for business

Accepting your mortality

This is finally what I've learned

And then in the end

It's family and friends

Loving yourself

But not only yourself

It's about the good walk
And the hard walk

And the young girls you've made cry

It's about make a little music
Every day till you die

It's a beautiful ride

Beautiful ride

Beautiful ride


Beautiful ride

Beautiful ride

Beautiful ride


Beautiful ride

Walk hard


Down life 's

Rocky road

Walk bold


That's my creed

My code

Walk hard

Walk hard

Walk hard

Walk hard

Special thanks to SergeiK.