Wild Hogs Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Wild Hogs script is here for all you fans of the Tim Allen, John Travolta, and Martin Lawrence movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Wild Hogs quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Wild Hogs Script

[~ Steve Winwood:
Gimme Some Lovin']

[engine revving]

Wha... Ho!

[yelling] Whoa!

Oh! Man, oh, man!

I almost lost it back there.

I didn't know what was going on.


[groaning] Oh...


- Oh, hey, babe? Doug?
- Huh?

Can you take Billy to school?
My day kinda got away from me.

Yeah, yeah. Unless there's
an emergency at the office.

Oh, was there an emergency?

You know, dentists
do have emergencies.

- Oh.
- Sometimes.

- Ah.
- We are doctors.

Hey, no, no! Not until your LDL
is under a hundred.

Well, Mr. Putnam,
any plans this summer?

- [garbled mumbling]
- What's... What'd he say?

He said we're taking
an African safari.

Africa. I don't think I've been
out of Cincinnati in 1 2 years.

You owe it to yourself
to get out and enjoy life.

You can't just live to work!
You need excitement!

- [yells]
- [yelps]

Come on. Don't be a baby,

it's a d... Oh, the suction,
the extractor. Hold on.

That'll suck the spots
off a Dalmatian.

Help me, help me,
all right.

Know what they call this?
One powerful little sucker.

That's the brand name.
It's unbelievable.

See? I have plenty of excitement
in my life, Mrs. Putnam.

- [beeps]
- [woman] Bobby?

Karen, I asked
for no disturbances.

I need to talk to you, Bobby.

I'm at the office right now.

And technically, you're
in our guest bedroom.

Look, I know baby. I... I just
gotta finish this chapter.

I know. But you know what?

I have to go to a job
that actually makes us money.

And I'm late, so walk me to the door.

Come on, Bobby.
I gotta get to work. OK?

Oh, Wait. I forgot my cell phone.

- Stay.
- Hey, Daddy! Listen!

- [high-pitch scream]
- Whoa.

Hey, no. Inside voice.

- Inside voice.
- Would you shut up!

God, it's like living
with a car alarm that shits.

Whoa. What are you doing
trying to leave the house wearing that?

- You look like a Eskimo hooker.
- Dad, that's the point.

- You wanna look like a hooker?
- Dad, you are so lame.

It's hard for kids to respect a man
that don't do none of the providing.

In my day the lady stayed home.
Not the lazy man.

In your day the men
had pyramids to build.

How old is that?

I'm in complete
control of my finan...

- [screams]
- No.

Hush. Come.

How come she gets quiet
when you say something to her?

Because you, my darling,
have no control.

Baby, I know your how-to book
is gonna be a huge success someday.

But do you remember
what day today is?


We had agreed that
you would take a year off

to pursue this little fantasy
of yours, but that year is up.

Now you and I had a deal.

Come on, baby.
Stressful cases.

Clients under duress.

I'm tired of dealing
with shit all the time.

Besides, how do we even know
they'll take me back?

- Because I called.
- You're serious?

The Firm is ecstatic
to have you back, Bobby.

You got a nine o'clock

- You call The Firm?
- Yeah, men's room.

Some truck's driver must've crap
an entire cow in there, man.

Good luck.

I didn't want to
give him the key,

but I didn't trust my instincts.


I saw my father shot.
I never cry until today.

I got robbed yesterday,
and I know now,

your job is the bad one.



- [computer] Dudley?
- Yes, good morning, Mac.

How's it going?

[Mac] It is now
nine o'clock AM.

Thanks, Mac.
Open Internet, please.

- Command unknown.
- Open Internet.

Internet open.

I think I have to research
alternative specs.

- Searching alternative sex.
- What? No. I didn't say that.

[woman] Granny Love dot org.

- Want granny to take her teeth out?
- Shut down.

- [man] Barnyard love.
- [animals neighing]

- I'm sorry.
- [man] Enjoy the animals.

[woman] Granny's gonna
spank your bottom.

[man] All kinds of fun.

- [roosters crowing]
- I can fix that.

[computer shorting, whirring]

- Or not.
- [cat meows]

Well, iCat.

- Looks like it's you and me.
- [hisses]

OK, Larry, so what are
you trying to tell me?

- You're broke.
- Well, how does that work?

You've spent everything
you had, then spent some more.

This is right here.
Nothing. Zero.

You know what?

Maybe it's time for my wife,
the "supermodel,"

to start paying for some things
for once in her life.

You're getting divorced.

- Why would she pay?
- [chuckles] Divorced, going broke...

You think I'm falling apart,
don't you?

Not going broke.
You are broke.

- OK.
- The door's behind you.

No, no, you listen to me, Toby.
You're not gonna push me around.

We agreed on a price, and
that's the price I'm gonna pay.

You got it? And if you don't like it,
just walk away.

I'll tell you this, you can
kiss your business goodbye.

If you screw with Woody Stevens,
you go down hard. You got that?

No, money is not a problem.

Don't insult me.
Don't insult me!

Money's never a problem!

You just have to honor
the correct price, you got that?

- What?
- [caller hangs up]

Well, then go home, Toby!
You make me sick!

I can't do this many leaves
for ten bucks.

It'll take hours!

You should've thought of that
before you put that flyer

on the telephone pole saying,
"Any yard for ten bucks."

Toby. Come on, let's talk.

Let's talk like men, OK?

[sighs] What's the problem?

- Money's the problem!
- Grow up, Toby!

- I hate you.
- I hate you!


- [Doug] Kel, it's me.
- [Kelly] I'll be right down.

Hey, Bill.

You wanna shoot some hoops or
something before I take my ride?

- No, thanks.
- [footsteps approaching]

- Uh...
- Hey, babe. How was work?

- Mmm.
- Great.

- [phone ringing]
- [Kelly] Good.

Hello? Cool. I'll ask right now.

- Can I play ball with Stew and his dad?
- Of course you can.

[Billy] Cool. Thanks.

Here, dude, I'll be right over,
OK? All right, bye.

I just asked you if you wanted
to play ball. You said no.

Well, yeah. I mean,
Stew's dad is awesome.

He can totally dunk.

The hoop's what?
Eight feet above the ground?

- Anybody could dunk that.
- Well. See you guys later.

Doug, I am so sorry.
You know, I had no idea.

It wasn't your fault.
You didn't know.

What do I gotta do
to relate to my son?

[~ Foghat: Slow Ride]

- Hey, guys?
- [engine revving]

Does this sound better?


I'm OK! I hit my butt.

[~ George Thorogood:
Who Do You Love]

[indistinct chatter]

Thanks, Woody.

I feel really safe with you.

I noticed. If you ever
lay your head on my back again

when you're riding bitch,
I'll throw you in the traffic.

I... I was just trying
to keep the wind off my face.

- I felt you smell my neck.
- Guys, could we?

Did you smell
that man's neck?

His cologne is fantastic.

It's musky with an oaky finish.

Like a lawyer cowboy.

Lawyer cowboy?

Wild Hogs aren't welcome here.

- Hey, Paul.
- How you doing?

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Paul.

Hey, Woody.

Just waiting on those K-ones
to do your tax returns.

We also need to talk about that
offshore incorporating thing.

Yeah, well,
I'll give you a call.

OK. I'll set up lunch.
Or we could do a day at the spa.

Now that was fun.

- Huh?
- I don't remember that.

- Got your wine cooler, Dad.
- Oh, sweet. Thanks.

- I'll see you Hogs in Hell!
- We'll make it.

- That was scary, Paul. Good work.
- See you later.

- I'm not coming here anymore.
- But this is a Wild Hog tradition.

We're not Wild Hogs,
we're like wild lambs.

It's just a patch
that Doug's wife made.

We sewed it on our jackets
so she wouldn't feel bad.

- Is that a fact?
- [Woody] Yeah.

Well, what has
your wife ever made us?

- Hard.
- [all laugh]

- Hey.
- That's true, she is really.

- All I'm saying is she's good-looking.
- Show some respect.

Come on. That's what your wife does.
She's a swimsuit model.

And it... And a good one,
I mean. She is hot.

OK, here's a question:
What are we doing here?

Having... Having beers
like we do every week.

No, no, no. Bigger picture. Life, man.
What do we have to look forward to?

Riding in formation
in the Labor Day Parade?

- Is that it?
- I'm looking forward to the parade.

I got Tootsie Rolls
I can throw to the kids.

- [groans]
- Tootsie Rolls

that he can throw to the kids.

Man, you can't even put on your
turn signal without busting your ass.

Look, let's put some
real miles on those bikes.

- Road trip?
- Yeah. A road trip.

Just us. No rules.
No Tootsie Rolls.

Just us, the wind,
the road to the Pacific.

We camp out for a week,
whenever we want,

wherever we want.

I mean, that's freedom, man.

As long as we stop
at some Wi-Fi hotspots,

- count me in. Yep.
- You're in? All right.

Eh, I can't. [stuttering]
I can't get the time off of work.

- You know, I'm a doctor.
- You're a dentist.

Look, in college... Man,
he'd have been packed already.

I'm not kidding. You know,
and on a bike, he's fearless.

- He was fearless.
- Yeah, well, that was...

This guy, we called him
"The Golden Knight." Where's that guy?

- I wanna see that guy again.
- That guy's married now.

And that guy, uh, used to...
used to get high a lot.

- What's Claudia gonna say about this?
- Nothing.

She's in the Bahamas doing some
swimsuit thing for Sports Illustrated.

Look, if not now, when?

Y'all know me.
I'm the first to get buck wild.

- But...
- No, you're afraid to ask your wife.

True. True. I said true!

Come on!

This is it, on the edge, we're living!
You know, St. Elmo's Fire,

The Wild Bunch.
You know, Deliverance!

[all] Deliverance?

- Uh... You know...
- Deliverance?

[Bobby] Deliverance?

Hey, dudes. We're gonna
ride as an American flag

in the parade this year.

Each guy in our chapter
is a star.

- A what?
- I'm gonna get sick.

- Who's gonna do the stripes?
- [man] Lyman Middle School majorettes.

Oh, boy. Hey, we're
really living now, huh?

I hope we don't get
hit by a stray baton.

You know what?
I'm outta here.

I'm going with you guys
or without you guys.

You know what I mean?

Take your smelly tees.
Good night.

- I said I'd go.
- [Doug] Come on back.

Hmm. Oh, I almost forgot.

We're also gonna be wearing
these black ribbons

in honor of Tom Peterson.
He died last week...

Boom! Just like that.
Anyway, he'll be missed.

Tom Peterson. Tom Peterson.

Do you remember that guy?

He was our age.

- Mom, want some gravy?
- Oh, yeah, thanks.

- So how was your ride?
- I don't know.

All Woody did was yap about taking
some stupid cross-country trip.

Do you wanna talk
about going on this ride?

I can't go on a cross-country trip.

I can't walk away
from work anytime I want.

Yeah, you know what,
you're right.

It's just as well.

Road trips probably aren't
the best thing for a guy your age.

I mean, it's gotta be
really inconvenient.

Bunch of middle-aged guys
having to get off their bikes

every 20 minutes to take a pee...

My age? What kind of crack is that?
What's wrong with my age?

She talks like I'm not
right here, you know?

Doug, I'm joking.

No, you know what I think?
I think you think I'm a boring guy.

I'm old and I'm boring now.
I've become lame.

I think everybody thinks that
at this table. I'm lame!

- Admit it! I'm lame!
- Doug, calm down. It's OK.

No, I'm not gonna calm down.
You know what I think?

"Calming down" means
another word for "lame!"

I'm not lame!
You know, I'm wild and free!

Wild and free and a man, yeah!

A man that likes to eat meat.
I'm tired of not eating meat!

Meat's good!
Good for men.

And potatoes. I like
potatoes and I like gravy

on my potatoes. Yum, yum!

[chuckling, gulping, gasping]

- Don't make sudden moves.
- I'm living wild, living good.

- It feels good, baby!
- Whoa, no, Dad. Your LDL.

Butt out, LDLs! I miss butter.
You know why I miss butter?

The French think butter
is just like cheese, they eat it...

They eat it just like this.
Right off the stick.

And the French, who've never won
a major battle, they know how to eat!

- And I...
- [grumbling]

I am living,
and it feels great!



Hmm. [groaning, belching]

- Doug, are you OK?
- [continues belching]

- [mumbling]
- Doug, you OK?

- Yeah! I'm all right...
- [Billy] Dad, just spit it out!

Spit it out! Come on.

- Breathe, breathe!
- I am not all right.

- Well, Mr. Madsen...
- Dr. Madsen...

Oh, really? Great. Then I can
put this a little more simply.

You had a catecholamine-induced,
super-ventricular tachyarrhythmia.

I'm actually a dentist, so I
have no idea what you just said.

- Stress-induced panic attack.
- I'm not stressed.

Your body says otherwise.
We see this a lot in middle-aged men.

- I'm not middle-aged.
- We hear that a lot, too.

How 'bout we get you
out of here in a few minutes?

[woman] Dr. Wesley to imaging.
Dr. Wesley to imaging.

I am a middle-aged man,
aren't I?

- Only mathematically.
- [sighs]

I think you need to let off some steam.

You used to love to travel.

No, Doug, you used to play hockey.
You were crazy.

You don't even
sing annoying eighties music.

Well, it's different now.

You know, I had to slow down
for... for you and Billy.

Oh, so I'm the one
who did this to you?

I'm in a hospital.

It's easier for me now to blame
other people for my problems.

W... I think you should
go on that trip.

If you don't, I will fire up
the hog and go with the guys.

- Woody doesn't have a plan.
- Yeah, but he never does.

It's like taking a trip to nowhere.

Maybe that's exactly what you need.

What up?

Hey. You're late! Supposed to
be here at eight-thirty, guys.

Hey, look here,
if Karen calls,

OK, I'm at a toilet
bowl seminar in Cleveland.

- [all laugh]
- Hey, no, I'm serious.

I need y'all to cover for me.

Yeah, sure.

What? What?
What are you looking at?

I got a tat.

- Come on!
- Hell just froze over.

- Let's see it!
- I'm a biker, dude!

I got a tat!

- [Woody] It's an apple.
- Uh, Dudley, you know...

I know: Trademarked.
But what are they gonna say?

It's in my skin, bitch!


- You guys aren't gonna wear helmets?
- I don't wanna wear a helmet.

Maybe I don't want anything
between me and the road.

You will if your head falls on it.

Woody, 62 percent of motorcycle
fatalities can be prevented with

- the use of an approved DOT helmet.
- That right?

What's that leather condom
gonna protect you from? Snoopy?

The Red Baron? How about dating?

- You told me you liked it.
- Guys, hey!

There are no rules on this trip.
We're just heading for the Pacific,

- and there ain't no plans.
- Well, we got a week to do this, right?

I figure we gotta be
in Illinois by tonight.

Well, the way I mapped it out,
we should be 1 00 miles

- past St. Louis by sundown.
- [Doug] Good.

What did I say?
I said it's the open road, OK?

- Who knows where we're gonna be?
- I know where we're gonna be.

Dudley hooked me up.
Check out this thing.

It's a GPS in my phone now.

- Look at that.
- No kidding? Let me see.

- Cool!
- What are you...

- Hey, what'd you do that for?!
- For the good of the trip.

You don't need a GPS
to discover America.

You need a bike and
you need the road, OK?

Freedom. And if we have an
emergency, I got a cell phone.

- No you don't.
- What?

Hey! Why did you do that?
I got all my data in there!

Well, how does that feel, Woody?

Feels good. Whoo!

~ It's my prerogative!
Mm-mm-mm! ~

- No cell phones!
- Wait a minute.

- Come on, get rid of it.
- No, Doug, he's right.

- No, no, wait, wait...
- Whoo!

Yeah! Yeah, Wild Hogs, baby!
Wild Hogs!

You did that so
Karen wouldn't call you.

- Exactly.
- Come on, give it up.

So we're not gonna discuss this? We're
not gonna think about this? No, don't!

- We need one phone.
- Freedom, baby!

- [tires squealing]
- We gotta go.

- [Doug] Go, go!
- [man] Come back here!

[~ Grand Funk Railroad: Walk Like A Man
(You Can Call Me Your Man)]

[~ Grand Funk Railroad: Walk Like A Man
(You Can Call Me Your Man)]

- Hey!
- Whoo!

Where're you guys headed?

I love you!

You're hot!


- Losers.
- Look at these guys.


- [girls laughing]
- You guys wanna a ride?

Well, all right.
Sleeping bags are all set.

Bobby, I got two words
for you: Foot pump.

Woody, I got four words for you:
Got a cheap-ass wife.

[all chuckle]

Hey, guys, this is poop.
So don't eat it.

- Oh, God.
- Excuse me, Mr. Hard Drive,

you're supposed to bury it,
not put it in a bag.

This is plastic,
I'm not gonna put it in the earth.

I'll find a garbage can tomorrow.

So you gonna sit right next to me
with that doo-doo.

Hey, come on.
Doesn't get any better than this.

Sitting around a fire, chilling with
your best friends, relaxing, enjoying...

Sorry, you gotta...
You gotta bury that thing.

- Otherwise I'll vomit in your lap.
- ...each other's company.

I'll hang it from a tree
so the bears don't get it.

- No, don't hang it in a tree!
- Why not?

- 'Cause bears don't eat shit!
- [laughing]

What's up?

Ever wake up and wonder
what happened to your life?

I really had such great plans.

My life and my work
would be an adventure. You know?

All of a sudden
I'm a suburban dentist.

Hey, look, Doug,
I feel your pain, man.

Look, I swore I would
never return to a job

where I had to wear
condoms on my shoes.

- You're still at The Firm?
- Yeah.

And I get yelled at
by an ungrateful wife all night.

- The whole thing has made me...
- A wimp.

I was gonna say miserable.
But you think I'm a wimp?

No, I thought you were gonna say wimp,
so I just filled it in.

You're a wimp, Bobby.
I... I'll say it.

I mean, you're afraid of women.
It's kind of embarrassing.

- I'm afraid of women.
- You're afraid to talk to women.

Bobby's afraid they'll kill him

- in his sleep.
- [all laugh]

Wow. Now I'm really
afraid of women.

At least one of us
is living the fairy tale.

Right, Woody? Plenty of money,
travel all the time,

you got the swimsuit model
for a wife.

At least one of us
has got it made.

Yeah, Well, one man's fairy tale
is another man's nightmare.

You think that the
marshmallow's done, Doug?

Oh. Hey, look at that. Anybody
want the first marshmallow?

Starting to look like
Dudley's helmet.

All right.

- I think I'm halfway there.
- Oh, in only one hour?

Hey, Bobby, you sure
you wanna do that?

You could use one of the spare
bags we got in the... tent!

Hey, Dudley, go get
the water jug out of my bag!

I want... Kick, kick,
kick, kick! Dirt!

I got it!

That's camp-stove fuel!

[all exclaiming]


This is the wrong jug!

You think?

Aw, God.

This is supposed to be flame-retardant.

I guess it wasn't

All my drawers are burning.

Oh, perfect!



What are you doing?

Huh? Keeping my face
out of the wind.

[groans] Hey. Oh.
Boy, my ass is sore.

[Dudley] Mine, too.

It's Woody's fault
for riding us so hard yesterday.

The human body wasn't made to straddle
something that big for that long.

Well, you know, it's gonna hurt a little
bit, and that's part of the experience.

That's why we didn't bring our wives.

[Bobby] What the...
What the hell?

Somebody wanna explain to me
why I'm the one in the dirt...

...when I got sore jaws
from three hours of blowing...

Please, please for the love
of God, finish your sentence.

Let's see, what, uh...

What exactly
do we have here?

We've got...

...one, two, three men...
in a bed... spooning?

This is not what it looks like.

This is a, uh... We, um...
What is it, Woody?


I'll tell you just exactly
what it is there, Poindexter.

It is four counts
of indecent exposure,

two counts of lewd,
lascivious behavior, and...

...one count...
of pure jealousy.

- Huh?
- How you doing?

- Hey, look.
- Whoa, we're not...

Thanks for waking us up,

- Oh, it was actually...
- I get it. You gotta get going.

That's terrific.

Five's a crowd? Is that
what I'm gleaning here?

Yeah, five's... uneven number.
Figure it out.

You guys can't see it, can you?
You're too close.

You don't realize how lucky
you are to have each other.

Oh, daddy... Damn lucky.

- I've always felt so.
- I know what you've felt.

I have too.

- You wearing pants?
- No.

Would you please put some
pants on, for God's sake!

[Doug] Dudley!

What a nice guy.

Oh, yeah.

Whoo! Anybody else
gotta take a leak?

- No.
- No.

Hey, guys, last
stop for quite a while.

I gotta pee again now.

[revving engines approaching]

Wow. I can
smell them from here.

that's the real deal.

[~ Lynyrd Skynyrd:
Call Me the Breeze]




- [both laughing]
- [Bobby] Now, that's "wild!"

[both grunting]


Oh! Whoa, stop it!

- Biker in trouble!
- [squawking]


This is awesome!

Thanks for
waiting for me, jerks!


Oh, it's...
Whoa, it's cold!

- What?
- Why are you naked?

We're swimming. Did you guys
keep your skivvies on?

There could be snapping
turtles or something.

I kept mine on 'cause I didn't
want it to get dark in here.

I don't know, I thought we were
doing this wild and free thing.

Yeah, well...

More like, old and lame,
isn't it?

The high guy would've just
ripped 'em right off, you know,

back in the... back in the day.

- But the day's today, isn't it?
- This isn't necessary.

[chuckles] Yeah, come on.
Come on! Huh?

Now you see what you started?
You even got Doug out of his drawers.

What the hell,
you know what I mean?

But everybody
keep their distance.

I don't want the whole size
thing to ruin our friendship.

Launching mine.
Over your head, baby.

Whew. You guys are nuts.

Come on! Huh?

[laughs] Fine. I will
get naked with my gay friends,

and if any of them look at
my junk, I will kill them.

Gentlemen, these are
the good old days.

[all laugh]

[all groan]

[all laugh]

- [car horn honking]
- [children screaming]

[man] Come on, kids!
Come on!

- Whoo!
- Oh, no.

Last one in
smells like Uncle Eddie!

Aw, hell no.

Hope you guys don't mind company.
Minivan was getting crowded.

There's a much shallower creek
for kids just up the canyon a bit.

Oh, no, my kids like to dive.

Marky, show this guy your dive.

If you put your arms out, he
does a backflip right into them.

No! Don't do that,
it's not a good idea.

Oh, hello.

You gentlemen like potato salad?

We've got extra.

But, uh, you might wanna
eat that way over there.

Uh, less ants and snakes.

The kids are coming.
The kids are coming.

No... Oh, whoa. Guys,
you can't swim here.

Crawfish, big crawfish,
they're snapping... Ow!

Crawfish! [shouts]

Lemme see if I can catch one!

You see? He's
looking for crawfish!

- I told you!
- He's gonna find a couple!

Where is he?

Marky! Cooper! Ava!

Let's, uh, let's get
out of the water.

- Find a new spot.
- Why, Hugh?

This is such a nice...

Oh, my God.

- I didn't wanna do this.
- Out of the water! Now!

Kids, listen to your dad.

- No!
- Aw! We just got here!

Get out of the damn water, now!
Run! Run! Run! Go!

Take it. Take it! What's wrong
with these people? Come on, go!

I'll bet her potato salad
was really good.

- Maybe we should go.
- Yeah, let's go.

Why? They ain't coming back!

[whistling] Fellas!
Forget about them!

More room for us, huh?
Come on! [chortling]

You like what you see?
Huh? Let's get involved!

Whoo! Now that's
what I'm talking about!


I saw your bikes
over there and I...

Chicken fights, fellas?

No? Plan B...

- Marco...
- Polo.

Mar... Marco...

[laughing] Marco!

[~ Jett: Get Me Outta Here]

Thank you so much!

And, uh, I left
a window open, all right?

Oh, yeah.
Now, this is a biker bar.

I'm buying, let's go.

I hope they have bran muffins.
I'm a little bound up.

- [thudding]
- My damn leg's asleep!

Oh, it's got an emblem, too.
An FLH emblem.

That is rare, man. Rare.

- Can you see this?
- Oh, man. That's beautiful.

- What's wrong with you?
- My legs are asleep.

[rock music]

[music dwindles to a stop]

- How 'bout this one?
- [music starts up]

- Yeah.
- [indistinct chatter]

You guys want beers?

I gotta find that guy with the
'55 bike, man. It is beautiful.

Nice tat.
Where'd you get it?

Leavenworth. You?

Meadow Hills Galleria.

I don't think I've ever seen
you guys around here before.

What's your, uh...

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Wild Hogs.

That the name
of your little gang?

Not a gang. We're friends
riding from Cincinnati to the coast.

Hey, man. We in your seats?

- No.
- Nah, 'cause we could just...

No. No, no,

- ...we'll roll out.
- No, n-n-no. No. I insist. Sit.

- Sit?
- Sit. I insist.

I think I'm gonna
join you fellas.

Actually, we have a...
[clears throat]

[man] Yeah, let's join them.

Make ourselves some
nice new little friends.

- Nice patch.
- Yeah.

Did you get your grandmother
to needlepoint that for you?

Well, what's... what's going on
with you there, uh, Cochise?

What's your story?

Wh... What is that
supposed to be? Is he blind?

He wasn't when he
walked in here.

Hey! I'm talking to you!

- You hear me?
- He can hear fine.

Look, we're...
We don't want any trouble.

[chuckling] I do.

Actually, that's what
I'm looking forward to the most.


That's what he's
looking forward to!

- [cackling]
- I heard him say that. I heard him.

Shut up.

All right.

You're looking for trouble?

You gotta be careful
about Bobby here.

His temper's like
a Roman candle.

That's a damn lie!

On the other hand,
Woody over here,

you get him mad,
people get broke.

Doug makes kids cry.

- What?
- Yeah. You make kids cry.

You made my child cry.

Your kid was crying
before she got to me.

Yeah. But I asked you
to give her a lollipop. Be...

- It calms her down.
- You can't give a lolli...

- All right, shut up!
- You know what?

I think we better get out of here.

No. We'll get
out of here at sundown.

After we've had our beverage.

Sundown, Hoss? What?

These are on me. You got
the mocha lattes yesterday.

- Ah...
- Hey, brother.

- [chortling] Another Wild Hog!
- Yep.

That's our gang.

Hey, uh, who owns that
'48 Panhead outside?

Uh, that's my '48.

Sweet ride.

And I'm sick of it.
How 'bout a trade there, brother?

- Dudley. Dudley, Dudley.
- Oh. I wish.

I'm just on a Sportster.
Worth half of what yours is.

A Sportster?
I grew up on a Sportster!

I've been wanting another Sportster!

Oh? No, no, no.
It's even better than that.

In the gas tank
is one of my shoelaces.

I dropped it in there when I was
trying to get my calculator watch out.

- Dudley?
- Dudley.

You got a deal.

- Seriously? You're serious?
- Think. He's not gonna trade the bike.

Dudley, I wanna see
what you look like on that.

- You're on.
- [bikers hooting]

[Doug] Ah! Dudley!
Dudley, no. No, wait a minute.

[Dudley] We gotta trade...

Yo, check this out.

Does anybody else get
that "pre-rape" feeling?

I do. [chuckles]

Oh, oh, this is great!

No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is Joker's Panhead.

I thought we were
talking about this one.

Hey, your Panhead is over here.

Oh. I was talking about...

Nah, no, no, no, no.
I got a better one for you.

It's right over here.
The red one, the Panhead.

- Where?
- Right there.

That's a Panhead.
There're no other Panheads.

- That?
- Yeah.

That's a pile of junk.

Yeah. That's your pile of junk.

- This guy's joking you.
- You wanna know the joke?

The joke is suburban assholes
who buy leather outfits

who think they're bikers.
And it's a joke that I'm damn sick of.

You wanna know who
a real biker is? Damien Blade.

He founded the Del Fuegos
and he built this bar

for real bikers, not this!

Hey, we have a right
to be bikers.

You don't have any rights.
Shut up! I knew you assholes

the minute I laid eyes on you.
Look at the four of you!

- You don't know us.
- You don't think I know you?

What? You're probably a...
a podiatrist

or a ear-nose-and-throat specialist.

- I wish.
- Orthodontist?

Oh. Close enough.

And you, Bobby,
guaranteed you're henpecked.

- Right? Your wife wears the pants.
- You know my wife?

And you, you anal-retentive wimp,

guarantee you bag your own shit.

Wow, you're good.

- What color am I thinking of?
- Shut up.

You're the biggest
poser of them all,

aren't you, squinty?

Go home. Just go home.

Go home. You couldn't
handle this freedom anyhow.

Get out of here.
Go back to your safe little lives.

Let's get our bikes.
We'll get out of here.

You're not listening.
I'm taking your friend's bike

and you guys are gonna
hit the road and go back

to wherever the hell it is
that you came from. Understand?

We're gonna have to
work something out.

All right.
Let's work something out.

[~ John Fogerty:
Keep on Chooglin']

Hey! What's going on?
Something break?

- What's up, man? What's up?
- This is bullshit, man.

We should go back there
and get Dudley's bike.

That's why we're stopping?
What are you, nuts?

We're gonna call the police.

I gotta borrow somebody's cell phone.

Einstein had us
throw 'em away, remember?

Hey, look, man,
damn the bike.

He's gonna have to roll
with that little sidecar.

- Right.
- Let's get up outta here, man.

Come on. The trip is over 'cause
some tattooed bullies pushed us around?

[both] Yeah.

I go where you go.

Good. See? He's got balls.

No. I mean my sidecar's
attached to your bike.

I'd rather turn back.
But, honestly, how far could I roll?

I'm not gonna
let this happen.

I say we go back
and we get his bike.

- You?
- Yeah.

Who died and elected you pope? This
isn't about Dudley, this is about you.

You, you. All through high school
it's always about you,

- and I am sick of it!
- Oh, screw you.

It's not my fault
you hate your life.

- I love my life. Why do you...?
- Let me tell you something!

This trip's supposed
to be about adventure!

But no. You're too busy dragging
your baggage to let that happen.

Well, thank you, Dr. Freud.

Look, I'm not going back
to get that bike

to satisfy your bruised ego.
Are you guys with me?

- Oh, I'm with you.
- Yeah, I agree.

There you go, Woody.
We're not going back there with you.

[Dudley] Should we go after him?

[Doug sighs] Probably.

- Are we going to?
- [both] Nope.

[bikers cheering]

[chattering indistinctly]

[~ Bon Jovi:
Wanted Dead or Alive]

Come after us now, assholes.

[motorcycle approaching]

- I'll be a son of a gun.
- Oh, snap!

You did it!
You got her back!

- Woo-hoo!
- Ha-ha!

Who's your daddy?!

- You are my daddy!
- Yeah, that's right, baby.

Aw, man!

- Thank you!
- How'd you do it?

OK, they were
totally pissed off.

So I take a new tact. Reality.

So I said to 'em,
"OK, assault us. No problem.

Because we may not be
real bikers,

but we know real lawyers.
And as soon as you touch us,

we'll sue you for everything
you got and everything

you're gonna have."
And they backed down.

They totally backed down.
It was awesome.

- You really said that?
- Yeah!

My man!

- Show me love. Show me love.
- Yeah!

Hey, guess what.
The trip's back on.

- It's back on!
- The trip is on!

Wait. We're gonna
go back that way, then?

Yeah, they don't care.

We should just do it before
they change their minds.

- Pacific Ocean, here we come!
- Whoo!

[~ ACIDC: Highway to Hell]

[indistinct chatter]

Son of a bitch.
Come on. Come on!

- [honking]
- Thanks, guys!

Those assholes got balls.

That I'm gonna put in
my mouth and chew on!

You're gonna put what
in your mouth?

Come on! Del Fuegos,
let's smoke those hogs!

- Let's go!
- Come on!

What the hell...?
Aw, shit!

Fire, fire!
Fire, everybody.

Hey! Fire,
come on, get off!

Fire, fire!
Get away.

Come on!

Get out of there!
Get out of there!

[all shouting]

Oh, shit!

Oh, God. Oh, no.

- [tires squealing]
- Come on. Let's go!

What's your rush?
My balls are still vibrating.

It's... It's the open road, man.

It's riding free,
that's the rush.

This isn't freedom,
this is a gas station!

Built by the man!
A prison for our souls!

My soul needs
something to drink.

I need gas.

We'll get gas at the next station.

Come on, Wild Hogs. Let's go!

- [engines revving]
- Whoo-hoo! Let's ride!

Did I miss the espresso stop?

- [Woody continues hooting]
- He's moving.


- [grunting]
- Woody! You're an asshole.

They should've had
a sign that said,

"Last gas X amount of miles."

- [squawking]
- I need something to drink.

I'm thirsty....
Or else I'm gonna die!

[Doug] Yeah. You know,
I keep... saving my spit

so it's like a drink of water,

and it just keeps
tasting like... my spit.

[Bobby panting]
They say you can get

something to drink
out of a cactus, right?

Where are the cactuses?

We're in a desert
that don't have no damn cactuses.


Actually, I think
when it's plural, it's "cacti."

- I'm killing him.
- You're gonna kill him?

We're all thinking it.
Gonna need the nourishment.

He'll put up the least struggle.

- Move out of the way.
- You love Dudley.

It's the sun.
It's making us all crazy.

You're right, man.
My... my bad, Dud.

You know, I don't know
what came over me.

Dehydration. Your blood's thickening,
so your heart's working harder

to pump it through your arteries.
Less gets to your head.

Our bodies are literally
trying to drink themselves.

All right. I'm killing him.

[Doug] Wait a minute.
They got a sign up here.

Curve of the road.
Read it!

- Madrid? Spain?
- No. It's Madrid.

That's what the locals say.
I Googled it.

Gonna be water, food and gas.

- We're gonna live.
- We gonna live!

We gonna live, baby!

[country music plays]

[Doug] It's closed!

Ah, man! It's closed!

But the diner up here...

The diner's open!
Come on!

- [all panting]
- Get me a drink, quick!

- We need water!
- Quick!

- Hey! Come on!
- Right here. Right here!


- Oh! Right here! Me!
- Me! Me!

- You?
- Me!


- Hey!
- You!

They were here three weeks ago.
They're already getting violent.

It's OK, I got it.


- You gentlemen like a seat?
- Is there a booth open?

- Let's go!
- [dishes clattering]

- Yeah. Uh, what?
- Come on.

- Keep moving!
- Uh, nice town.

So, uh, I...


- She is perfect.
- You like the waitress?

Oh, man. I wanted to say
something funny to her,

but all I could think
of was black jokes.

- Like which ones?
- I forget.

Why don't you tell the one that ends
with you getting your ass whupped?

- Would that be funny?
- I'll be laughing.

Oh, I'll be cracking up.

- [bell chimes]
- [Doug] Oh, it's the law. Oh, boy.

- You boys here for the Chile Festival?
- What, you have a problem?

You look like you saw something
explode or something, all right.

We're just passing through.

The people around here
don't want any more trouble.

Now me, I got no problem
with you Del Fuegos

as long as you boys
could stay sober...

No, no. No, we're... we're not
associated with those assholes.

- You're not?
- [Doug] No.

- For real?
- Yeah.

[exhales deeply]
Folks, they're not Del Fuegos.

[all sigh, murmuring]

Are the Del Fuegos
a problem around here?

Only if you expect 'em
to pay for a meal they just ate

or a beer they just drank.

- Won't have problems with us.
- No, no.

- Then welcome to Madrid.
- Excuse me, sheriff?

- Uh, the Del Fuegos?
- Yeah.

OK, now. How often might
they come through this town?

Oh, once every few months.

- Oh?
- Yeah. Yeah.

And... the gas station,
now when would that be open?

That's closed on Sundays.
So tomorrow morning.

Oh, God.

But maybe you should seriously
consider spending the night.

Because we're having
the world's hottest chili contest.

The Chile Festival is not
something you wanna miss.

Last year, somebody's throat
actually started to bleed.

Oh, damn!
Somebody's throat started to bleed?

Yeah. Changed their life.

It's great. Think about it.

We gotta get out of this town, man.
This town is a drag. We gotta move on.

- We gotta find a way out.
- Woody, chill out, man.

We finally get a chance to relax.

Yeah. And being able
to use a bathroom,

- that might be a good idea.
- And I can empty my poop bag.

And you gonna re-use the bag?

Woody, remember
the theme of this trip?

"Whatever," remember?

OK, fine! Fine.

We'll stay the night,
and we'll get gas in the morning. OK?

Calm down.
I don't understand what your rush is.

I'm not in a rush, man.
I just wanna ride, man.

I just wanna ride. You know?

~ Ride, Sally, ride ~

You are so weird. He asks the...
You say the weirdest things, man.

You're like, "We're digging roots,
buying real estate and shit."

Yeah. Why don't you just... [sobbing]

What?! What?

All right, everybody come here.

Come on.

All right.

We're here. Right?

They could be in any of these towns.
Right around here. All right?

We're gonna find them,
we're gonna get 'em.

I don't know, Jack.

I mean, by my calculations...
[stuttering] I'm thinking,

if they're four hours
ahead of us, we can...

Shut up! Anybody else wanna
tell me how hard this is gonna be?

Huh? Any other naysayers?

Good. I want you to
break up into two-man teams.

You call me when you find 'em.

- [indistinct chatter]
- [~ Pony]

- [indistinct chatter]
- [~ Pony]


Oh, snap.
A softball pitch.

You... I gotta win
something for my girls.

Wait a minute.
You think you're good at this?

Oh, I know I'm good at this.

Hey, on my Little League team,
they used to call me "Bull's Eye Bobby."

- Yeah.
- 'Cause I had pinpoint control.


A hundred forty-four innings,
never walked a batter.

Watch me work, baby.

- Here you go.
- How you doin'?

- Good luck.
- Thank you.

All right, Bull's Eye Bobby, folks!

Bull's Eye Bobby, baby.

It's probably been, what?
Twenty-eight years, Bulls Eye?

[up-tempo music plays]

- Hey.
- Hi.

So, um...

- Excuse me?
- [clears throat] Never mind.

- So you like chili?
- Oh, yeah. Not the hot stuff.

But you put a nice,
mild turkey chili in front of me?

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna eat it.

That's too bad 'cause
I wanted you to try mine, but...

- ...it's pretty hot.
- No, I'll try it!

I like your kinda hot. The...
In your chili. The chili hot. Food hot.

That's the kinda hot
I wanna kiss. Eat.

OK. If you're sure
you can handle it.

Handle it? I'm a biker.

- What'd you call him?
- Bull's Eye Bobby!

Bull's Eye Bobby, baby.

- Yeah, Bull's Eye. Yep.
- Ha-ha-ha!

- [muffled groan]
- Oh...

- I guess that counts as a walk?
- I'm gonna sit. [whimpers]

[~ Don't Cha]



Smooth. Tasty.

Little... [coughs] ...spice.

It gets a little hotter
as it sits in your throat.

- [groans]
- You OK?


You want some of this?
lt'll cool you down.

[garbling, muttering]

Don't worry, your throat
won't actually bleed.

- [continues garbling]
- I understand.

[Dudley] Mother of God!
I swallowed hot lava!

[continues singing]

Hundred and forty-four innings,

you never hit anybody
in the crotch?

Not on purpose, man, all right?
You all right?

- Yeah, it's... Good fastball.
- Hey. I'd like you boys

to meet my deputies,
Earl and Buck Dooble.

- How are you, Earl?
- I'm Earl. He's Buck.

- [Doug] Earl, Buck.
- Now, just remember:

Brother with the word "ear" in his name
has got both on his head.

See, I can only say that
'cause I'm on his right side,

which, as you can see,
is mostly blown off.

- You say something?
- [shouting] I did not.

Needless to say,
we don't carry firearms anymore.

I mean, sometimes
you pull 'em out,

you think they're not loaded,
and then sometimes...

They blow your
deputy's ear off?


What brings you boys
on this trip, anyway?

Firstly, we had to get away, OK?

And secondly, you know,
you just never know

how many more summers
you've got left.

- Do you?
- Wow. That's deep.

I just came on this trip,

you know, hoping to reclaim
the old Doug, you know?

You know, I know
exactly what you mean.

You know, you can never let life
get too stagnant or too safe.

Every now and then you gotta do

what we folks around here
like to call "Slap the Bull."

"Slapping the Bull"?

That's just a little game we play

to make sure your life
is not controlled by fear.

Yeah, I wanna do that.

Oh, come on, guys.
We're exhausted.

I think we should just put
the bikes in back of the hotel,

in a shed with the doors closed,
perhaps, and then play Scrabble

in the... in the room
with the shades down.

Look, Aunt Bee, maybe you wanna do
something else here in Mayberry.


- How 'bout a little Bull Slap?
- Sounds like something I could win at.

- Yeah.
- I'll take a little Bull Slap.

Look, Bull Slap for everybody.
Line 'em up.

- Let's have a little Bull Slap.
- We'll do it!

So literally, we're gonna slap a bull?

Yep. Right on the ass. And then you're
gonna wanna hightail it outta there.

- Why?
- 'Cause he can kill you.

- Mm-hmm.
- Perfect.

Hey, man, I thought
this was a drinking game.

Yeah, you know, you got
a lot of animals I would slap.

A chicken, I'd slap a chicken.
Or a goat, maybe.

A ferret, I'd slap, you know?

But I'm not...
I'm not gonna slap a bull.

Oh, come on, Doug.
It was your idea. Get in there!

I didn't know we...
Look at the nuts on that thing!

[Woody] Come on!

- [Doug] It's not safe.
- Not safe. Know what?

- You snooze, you lose. I'm going.
- Getting ready to do that?

- Yep!
- Oh!

You jackass. Go ahead, Woody.
Hope you're wearing a cup.

- Right on the ass.
- He looks confident.



- Come on, get back, now!
- [all cheering]

Way to get back!

I just slapped
a big fat bull on the ass!

That was awesome! Who's next?

- Uh, Doug?
- Doug?

Yeah, no,
that'd be you, yeah.

Come on, Doug. Do it!

It's... it... you could...

That's really an, um...

Doug, go.

- Come on, man!
- Handle your business.

- [Woody] It was easy.
- I'm not gonna...

[Woody] Yeah, come on! It's fun!

Old days, Doug. Old days.

All right, all right,
I'm gonna slap a bull.

- I'm gonna slap that bull.
- There you go.

- [Woody] That's my Doug!
- There he goes.

Just slap it right there
on the rear end?

Right on the hind haunches.

You know, this is so good for Doug.

- Actually, it's good for all of us.
- Yeah.

Hey, thanks for bringing us here.

Sure. Glad we could help.

Yeah, and we never
seen it done twice in a row.

- Mm-mmm.
- What?

Be interesting to see how
the bull takes being slapped

- now that he's alert.
- Mm-hmm.

[both] Alert?

- [bellowing]
- [panting]

- [all yelling]
- Get back!

- Hurry!
- Hey! Come on.

- [screaming]
- [all groan]

Ow! [groans]

- He coming back!
- [all shouting]


He coming back!
He coming back! Oh...!

Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ah! He almost got me!

Come on! What's this bully want?
Come on, bully!

You don't wanna use mockery!
That never works!

Cowboy's in trouble!

Maybe if you just
try to reason with it!

- He's coming back for more! Look out!
- Whoa!

He's more afraid of you
than you are of him!

[sheriff] Watch out!

Watch out, watch out.
Come on!

- Come on, let's go, let's go!
- Oh!


- [Woody] Yeah, man, this is living!
- Yeah, we slapped a bull on the ass!

- Yes, sir!
- Yeah!

[sheriff] Yeah, you sure did.

- You sure did!
- [Bobby] Hey, did y'all see my moves?

I was shaking and baking
just like the NFL, baby!

You hear what I'm saying?

I delivered it
right to the end zo...!

[~ Kiss You All Over]


- Hey, look at him.
- He threw Bobby ten feet in the air.

Hey, man, that damn bull
kept following me around.

- You think it was my cologne?
- What are you wearing, Rodeo Clown?

- Hold on...
- So now you got jokes?

- [laughing]
- Hey, Woody, you know,

I apologize for saying you had
ego issues earlier. All right?

I'm sorry I called you a pussy.

You didn't call me a pussy.

No, not to your face,
but that's what I was thinking!

Hey, we're just saying how much fun
this trip's turned out to be.

I was so close this time!
So close!

What's the matter, Dudley?

The waitress. I think she likes me.

- [both] Good.
- No, it's not good.

She told me to meet her
on the dance floor.

- So?
- So? Go dance.

I can't go on the dance floor.
You know what I look like.

The music moves me,
but it moves me ugly.

Well, do that... sprinkler thing
you did at my wedding.

- Yeah.
- I can't do the sprinkler.

I've gotta... I need to...

- No.
- Yes.

I said no.

[Woody] Why don't we keep it simple,
why don't we just, uh...

We'll do the lindy.
I'll be the guy, you be the girl.

There we go.
And it's just... Remember?

- OK. Yeah, right.
- It's one and two

and three and four,
and turn her around,

- and start over again.
- Do it two times, and...

- Whatever you want.
- I'll be the guy.

- Be the guy, I'll be the girl.
- OK. Ready.

And one and two
and three and four.

One and two and three and four,
and turn me around and...

- Oh, yeah! Now we're...
- Oh, OK, that's enough.

- That's, uh, good lesson.
- What? No, wait. Is that it?

- Yeah, that's enough.
- That's just a pocket knife.

[up-tempo music plays]

There she is.
You're ready. Go.

- Yeah, let's do it.
- I'm ready.

You're ready.
Come on. Go.



- [woman] Whoo!
- Check it out.

- [gasps] Oh!
- Ahh!

[all] Oh! Whoa, whoa.

[both] He's panicking.

Hey! That's my phone! [grunts]

Your minutes just expired.

- Baby! Baby, it's Murdock.
- Tell me you found them.

We did. They're in Madrid.

[cackles] Good! Good, good,
good, good. I like Madrid!

The ground is soft enough
to bury them.

You want us to
smack 'em around a little?

[Jack] No! No! Listen to me!

You just make sure
they stay there. OK?

But do not touch them.
They're mine.

I wanna feel their
bones break under my fists.

Sounds like
a good beating, Jack.

We'll leave 'em for you, then.

Anyone else want some
Wild Hog for breakfast?

[all cheering]

- [man] Yee-ha!
- [light music playing]


You expect me to pay
for this piss-warm beer?

Here, you can have it back.

- [laughing]
- [moaning]

If we drank piss,
we'd drink it cold!


Wait, guys, guys,
guys, guys, look...

We don't drink piss!

- [man] Hey, hey.
- [chortling]

Hey, Woody.
Maybe it's time to give these guys

another one of your famous talks.

I think we just avoid them, OK?
I've handled this legally. We should go.

You know what? I'm talking
to these assholes this time, Woody.

You shouldn't have to do it twice.

You took care of them
the last time, and I just sat there.

But this time, you know what?
They wanna see rage? Watch me.

- Bobby, Bob...
- Whoa!

[Bobby] Hey, assholes!

You boys got a hell of a lot of trouble
coming. You know that, right?

I'm gonna tell you again,

like my friend told your stupid-ass,
cracker-ass, inbred buddies...

Did he just say "cracker"?

- "Cracker-ass."
- Oh, perfect.

You touch us, and we'll
sue your ass so hard,

you'll be taking out
a loan just to piss.

Now, if that ain't clear enough
for you, maybe this is: Splash.

Huh? Got it?
Did I get it in your mouth?

Splash! Splash! Splash!
Did I get you on some of that?

You crossed
a little line there.

No, no, no, no, no!
It ain't worth it, man.

Jack'll kill us if we touch him.

- So just...
- Break some of that up.

Got a little treat for you.

Huh? Break a little of that up.

[all exclaiming]

Can you hear that?
Can you hear that?

Uhh! Uhh!


- That's not a discussion.
- No, that's a lawsuit.

- [grunting]
- [groaning]

- Aw, look at that.
- [groans] What?!

That's gonna stain.

Ha! You boys look like you
belong on a couple of hot dogs.

[chuckles] Now,

If there's any other Del Fuegos
that need that message repeated,

you tell them
that the Wild Hogs...

...are right here in Madrid, baby...

...ready to explain it again.

- You got that?
- [panting]

I said you got that?!

- [crunching]
- [all wince]

Sweet mother of mercy!

- [gasping]
- Huh?!


He don't want it.
He don't want it. I'm hungry.

[all cheering]

Let's evacuate! Come on!

- [country music plays]
- [people hooting]

- Beer, here!
- Wild Hogs, I gotta tell you,

you don't know
how many broken windows

you guys saved this town.

Sheriff, it's the least we could do
for our new friends here in Madrid.

- Right, Bobby?
- [laughing] Wild Hogs!

[all] Wild Hogs!

That's some good work
you did there.

Hey, thank you, sheriff.

Now look, you know, if you need
something done, just come to me.

You know what I mean?
'Cause I will beat shit down.

Let's say them peanuts
are bothering you.

Huh? I don't wanna hear it!
I don't wanna hear it!

What'd the sheriff tell you?
What'd the town people tell you?

What the...?
You know what I mean?

I ain't got no problem with it.
I ain't got no problem with it.

Yeah. Yeah.
That's all right.

This is great. Right, Woody?

- Huh?
- You all right?


- I'm gonna call Kelly.
- Yeah.

Remind her just what
kind of a stud she married.

All right,
yeah, you do that.


Hey, hey, Bobby!

Next time, I handle
those bozos, eh?

The wrath of Dudley!
Wild Hogs!

[all] Wild Hogs!

Tequila, on the Wild Hogs.

In New Mexico.
We actually slapped a bull.

Slapped it right on the ass.

You have no idea
how turned on I am right now,

- but please be careful.
- We're like celebrities.

- Well, Bobby is.
- Man, I crush them cashews.

- Macadamia nuts?
- Oh, macadamia nut?

I'd kick it out the park.

Hey! And guess who
dropped by to say hello.

Karen. Yeah, I think
she's feeling a little lonely.

- Who's that?
- It's Doug.

Says they're having
a great time on the trip.

Kelly, don't tell her
about the...

Road trip?!

Hey! Dudley,
don't you wanna come inside?

I'm fine. I'm just gonna, um,

sit out here
for a little while, I think.

OK. You OK?

I'm fine. I'm... uh...

No, the truth is I'm not OK.

The truth is I like you a lot, Maggie.

I'm liking you a lot too.

See, that's what I was afraid of.

That you would like me
without knowing...

Without me telling you...

I'm not a cool biker, Maggie.

I'm not a cool anything.

I'm a computer programmer.

I'm just a geek.

I'm sorry if you thought
I was somebody that I'm not.

Mm-mm. You're not a geek.

- You're a lot of fun.
- Hmm.

And you're really honest.

And you're really sweet.

You're the kind of guy
that's hard to find.

- Sorry.
- [laughs]

Try again. One more time.


[Woody] All right, Bobby!
All gassed up!

- Whoo! All gassed up, baby!
- All right. Let's get Dudley. Let's go!

- Clive, what's up?
- Hey! My man!

What you know? No good?
All right. OK.

We're going to high altitudes.
We should check tire pressure.

Whoa, no, no, little buddy.

We gotta ride.
We gotta get going, OK?

We got new experiences
and new locations, right?

We can't leave, man.
I'm like the mayor of this town.

- My people need me.
- I said we're leaving!

Hey, guys.

We decided we wanna
have breakfast here.

Come on! Hey, cowboy!
Let's saddle up, OK?

You're burning daylight. Let's go!

Got a problem with
hanging a few minutes?

Do I look like
I have a problem? Do I?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

There you go again.
Saying the weirdest shit.

- [engines revving]
- [indistinct shouting]

Del Fuegos!
Hide the bikes! Quick!

- [Dudley] Why, why?
- Just do it! Trust me!

What's wrong?
Why are we hiding?

- What's going on?
- [Dudley] I don't know.

- Oh, God!
- Hey! Why are we hiding?

You took care of this
already, didn't you?

No, not like you think, OK?

Well, what is it that I think?

I didn't really talk to them, OK?

- You serious?
- [Doug] I knew something was wrong.

Dudley, you're like,
"I'm all stupid...

Not Dudley's fault!

...take my bike, give me
a piece of junk, I'm happy."

You're all,
"I'm scared. Let's get out."

- Whatever.
- It's our fault?

The Del Fuegos are all,
"You're nothing.

- We're real bikers."
- This isn't about us!

- What did you do?
- What did you do, Woody?

I... [murmuring]

I cut the gas lines
of their bikes.

And then I...

- What?
- Maybe blew up their bar.

- Oh!
- Ah, perfect!

- [Dudley] Oh, we're dead!
- Oh, come on!

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

That means they're
just here to kill us.

No sign of 'em, Jack.


Wild Hogs!

Come out, come out,
wherever you are!

I finally meet a girl,
and now I'm gonna die.

So all the mustard
and the ketchup...

...didn't help the situation, huh?


[Jack] Oh, you don't
wanna come out? We'll wait!

There's only one road
out of this town!

We own it!

Me and my boys will be
in this lovely little diner here!

Get out of here!
The longer you keep us waiting,

the worse it's gonna get for
the peaceful town of Madrid!

Jack! I'm going
to ask you not to.

What did you say,
you little turd?

- What did he say?
- He called him a turd.

- [bikers laugh]
- Let's go!


OK, I made a mistake.

Woody, we could have just
went home, man, and been fine.

Yeah, well, you know,
maybe I don't have a home.

[sighs] Claudia left me.

[sighing] Three months ago she left.

And then I fell apart.
Lost my clients.

And then I lost my job.

Now I got to sell the house
and I got to sell the car.

Can't even get
the lawn raked, you know.

I just got the bike and I got
you guys. That's all I got.

So this trip is
all about you running away

from your miserable, screwed-up life?

And you screw up our lives?


I'm sorry about your situation,
Woody, but you're a lying asshole.

- Which is like an asshole's asshole.
- I thought that...

I thought that being a Wild Hog
meant something. But clearly it doesn't.

You don't care about me!
That's fine. I don't care.

It doesn't mean anything, Woody!

Remember, it's just
a patch my wife made!

We should go somewhere
to yell at each other

where there aren't people
trying to kill us.

Hey, Maggie.

Thanks for letting us
hide in your house.

Yeah, thanks.

It's hard not to when you're
screaming and kicking down the door.


You OK?

Mm. Yeah.
Diner's the only thing I have.

If that gets destroyed, it's...

[sighs] But you're safe.
You guys are safe.

Now just stay put.

Nobody has to go out
there and be a hero.

You got that right.

- You guys aren't going out there?
- You're the sheriff. Why don't you go?

[sheriff] Like, sheriff
of a town of 500 people.

I got my qualification
from a course on the Internet.

For arms training,
they just told us to play Doom.

I say we just wait it out,

they'll lose interest,
and they'll go.

Yeah, I agree.
Wait it out.

Hey. Where's Dudley?

[~ Electric Light Orchestra:

Oh, Dudley. Don't do that.

All right, you Del Fuegos...

[indistinct chattering]


Let's end this.

At least one of you
came out to face the music.

Very brave.

But stupid.

I didn't come to face any music.

I came here to stop you fellas
from hurting this diner,

which the love of my life
just happens to own.

So, if it's gotta get ugly...
I'll give you ugly.

- [glass shattering]
- [all laugh]

It slipped out of my glove.

Hey! Is it OK if I
tell people you guys did that?

I should be getting back.
It's late.

The guys are gonna be worrying.
We'll talk later.

Guys! Guys!

No, no. You don't get to
hide out here with us.

You get to hide outside with those
crazy people that wanna kill us.

- They got Dudley. Look out the window.
- What?

[Jack] All right, this is
what's gonna happen, Wild Hogs!

You're gonna pay
a disobedience fee of $1 0,000!

Plus another $40,to rebuild the bar!

And if you wanna
see your friend alive again,

do not call the cops!

If you're not here
in a half an hour to settle this,

I'm gonna take the fine out
on your friend's legs!

I'm gonna break 'em
with this tire iron!

- [bikers yelling]
- Don't bring the money!

I'm a computer programmer!
I don't need my legs!

Fine! I'll break his hands!

- [bikers] Yeah!
- Oh, damn it.

Bring the money!

Definitely bring money!

- Get him out of here!
- Now! We need money!


Dudley went to save the diner,
now they're gonna break his hands.

No, they're not. We're gonna...
We're gonna get him back.

I've called the highway patrol.
Gonna be here in two hours.

Hey, man. They said no cops, or else
they gonna take it out on Dudley.

We don't wanna piss 'em off
until we get him out of their hands.

You know, he's not exactly
in their hands now, OK?

Why not?
He was sitting right...

- What the...?
- Get me down!

- [all laughing]
- Why? You look good up there!

You look like
a pinata with red hair!

[all laughing]

I think... I think I'm gonna keep you
up there till your buddies come!

And then if they don't,
I'm gonna bust you open

and we're gonna see
what falls out! Ha!

Bobby! Woody! Doug!

- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.

Well, I know what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna go get him.

[scoffs] There you go
talking crazy again.

- They will kill you.
- No, I'm not talking crazy.

I have three people left
in my life that I care about,

and I let you guys down.

Nah. I'd rather go out there
and make it go right

and die doing it than be the asshole
that screwed everything up.

Hey, hey, Woody.
Woody, where you going?


Don't you know hogs
run in packs, baby?

We're still Wild Hogs?

- Wild Hogs, man.
- Wild Hogs.

All right, here's how it's gotta go.
I gotta get up to 30 miles an hour.

It's only duct tape holding that rope.
I'll get him by the trunk and grab him

- and I'll save Dudley.
- You'll need a distraction.

Together, guys. Together we can do this.
And I'm ready. I'm ready.

I'm ready.

- What?
- What's wrong?

- It's gonna sound kind of stupid.
- What?

Well, before I go,
I need one of you to yell,

"It's the Golden Knight!"
It helps me get in the mood.

Yeah, baby!

- It helps motivate me.
- He's back!

It's the Golden Knight.

With gusto, though.

[engines revving]

- Now?
- Now!

Holy crap,
it's the Golden Knight!

[~ White Zombie:
Thunder Kiss '65]

Clear 'em out, boys!
Clear 'em out!

Del Fuego!
Come out and play, baby!

All day, baby! All day!

Thirty-five, 35, exactly 35!

[indistinct shouting]

Wild Hogs, baby! Wild Hogs!

[muffled groaning, grunting]

OK, guys, slow down...
You're gonna...

Oh, no, no, no...
Ooh... Whoa!

- [all laughing]
- [Doug] Du-Dud-Dudley!

- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho...
- All right, I gotcha. I gotcha.

- You having fun?
- That was amazing!

The tape was supposed to break!


- [grunting]
- [bikers laugh]

- Oh...
- There it goes.

- Is there a problem?
- Come on. Come on!

- Is there a problem?
- Come on. Come on!

You burned down Damien's bar,

you pull this little
circus act out here,

now you're gonna see what
it's like when you mess with us.

- That's right.
- Burn down the diner!

- Torch it!
- Whoa, whoa, look, look...

We can come up
with the money,

I got a little bit
in my savings.

It was my fault. I did it.
I cut the fuel lines.

Let me deal with it.
Let these guys go.

No! We're not gonna pay any money
and we're not calling the cops.

We're gonna stand here and fight.

You don't want our money.

What do you need money for?
You're free.

You're just here to get what you get
from the townspeople all the time, fear.

'Cause you're scary people.
People'll do anything to stay safe,

including give up the biggest
part of their lives, adventure.

Let's have a little adventure, huh?
Let's fight. Let's dance, huh?

- Let's do it!
- Enough's enough.

- Let's kick some Del Taco ass.
- Wait, wait, wait.

Do either of you guys
have a knife or scissors?

A nail clipper?

All right,
so how do we do this?

Like high school?
A little circle, huh?

- Oh!
- [bikers] Yeah!

Murdock, Red, Tiny.
Four on four.

- Body or face, pretty boy?
- Not the face.

[grunts] Ow!


- I'll take him.
- Thank you!

Yah! [shouts]


- Trade back! Trade back.
- I got him, I got him.

It's not really fair,
you know. I'm kinda tied up.

You ever see a hook off the jab?
Huh? Bring it!


[both grunting]

- Oh!
- Let's have a little fun, baby.

Whew. Let's play.

Golden Glove, baby.


Ow! Ow! You hit my helmet.

Are you OK, man?
You hurt your hand?

That actually really hurt.



Good shot! Get off!


Uh-oh, no, no, no, no, don't...

- Throw sand!
- What?

- Throw sand!
- Yeah...

I didn't mean to aim there...

Ha! Whoo! Nice...



I done knocked out my boy!

- Come on. You all right?
- Ooh...

- [groaning]
- [cackling]

Well, that was easy.

- Come on.
- Burn down the diner!

- [bikers] Yeah!
- Come on!

- Oh, good. You want some more?
- Yeah, I got nothing to lose.

I got no wife.
No job. No house.

I got my friends, though.
I got them till the end.

- Oh!
- That's great!

[Doug] You know, you know
what's so stupid about this?

We wanted to be like you guys. What I
see here is just a bunch of grown men

whose biggest decision in life is,
"Uh, sleeveless or, uh... sleeveless?

Do I shit behind the rock,
or over there by that bush?"

Grown men.
This is pathetic.

You go ahead
and kick our ass, OK?

Because we're not the posers.
You guys are the posers.

- Ow!
- [all laughing]

Hey! Do yourselves a favor
and stay down!

Twenty-five years
of being yelled at.

Man, I ain't taking this...

And I got a girlfriend.
Punch that out of me, bitches.

Hmm? [chuckles]

- Oh.
- Are we doing this?

- Let's do it.
- Yeah.

Come on.

- Come on.
- Come on.

You're kidding me, right?

What's wrong with you guys?

[Jack] All right!
You wanna keep going?

- [car door slams]
- I don't think so.

You're done, Jack.
You Del Fuegos! You are done!

And we want you
out of our town, now.

- And who's "we"?
- All of us.


If four people could
stand up to a gang of bikers,

I guess we can too!

Well, we'll fight you and
the Children of the Corn too.

'Cause the Del Fuegos don't
back down! This is our highway.

And we're gonna
defend our highway.

[man] Wrong, Jack.

It's my highway.


Hi, Maggie.

- Hmm. Bar burned down.
- Yeah.

These posers, these
four posers right here.

Four guys
stand off 50 bikers...

- ...and they're the posers?
- Yeah.

They burnt down
the bar that you built.

It was a shithole.

I insured it for
twice what it was worth.

The guys did me a favor.

We were just following
the code that you wrote.

Why do you think
I don't wear the colors, Jack?

Why do you think I ride alone?

'Cause you don't
know about it anymore.

I think you all oughta get back on your
bikes and go out and ride the highway

until you remember
what riding's all about.

Let it go, Jack.

OK, Pop.

Takes after his mom.

[all cheering]

[exhaling heavily]

Man, that was like
level 1 2 of Doom.

The posers.

- What do you guys call yourselves?
- I'm Woody.

- I'm Bobby.
- I'm Doug.

No, no, no. You all riding together?

- What do you...
- [all] Hogs! Wild Hogs.

Yeah, Wild Hogs.

Well, Wild Hogs,
ride hard or stay home.

- Yeah.
- Oh, and, guys, lose the watches.

- Freedom, baby.
- We did it, babe.

All day. All day.

Hey! Hey! We're Wild Hogs!
The saga continues!

[tires squealing]

What the hell?

What in the world
is going on around here?

Plumbing conference?

Have you lost your mind?

Shut up, Doug!

Bobby, who are these people,
and where are we at?

Well, obviously, I'm not at a...
plumbing conference in Cleveland, baby.

Oh, really?

Baby, I've been
fighting bikers all day,

this little Chinese
dude bust my nose,

I've been slapping bulls...

Bobby, I don't give a damn
about you fighting no bulls!

Now, I want you to get
your ass in that van

because we are going home.

I cannot believe you'd
deceive me like this!

- Karen...
- No, Bobby, I want...!


Slow your roll.

Look, baby, I love you, OK?

But I'm tired of being talked at.

I don't talk at you, Bobby!

- I talk...
- Look at what you're doing now.

- [sighs]
- Come on. You feel me?

OK, baby, all right,
all right, I feel you.

Right now I just need
you to show me some love.

Just a little bit of love.

Oh... Mmm...

That's scrumptious.

You seriously got
in a fight with bikers?

A whole bunch of 'em.
We chased 'em out of town!

There was 50 of them.

- It was something.
- Fifty?

I gotta tell the guys
about this. That is awesome!

I'll be right back, OK?

Doug, are you sure you're OK?


- Ow, ow, ow, ow...
- Oh, your ribs, your ribs.

- You're standing on my foot!
- Oh, sorry!

So I'll see you when I get back?

- Mm-hmm.
- All right?

- Mmm. I love you.
- I love you too, baby.

All right.

Get a room, baby.

Can we? Do we have time?

When are you
coming back through?

A biker never knows.

Maybe a week.

Maybe a month.

Six days, ten hours, 27 minutes,

give or take six minutes
for wind resistance.

Well, I sure do wish
you guys would stick around.

We got some riding to do, sheriff.
Thanks anyway.

Well, I'll just say it:

You fellas were
a blessing to this place.

I mean, I'm not gonna
get all emotional

like old hamburger head
over here always...

What did you
just call me?

Uh, see, when we walked up,
you were on my...

You son of a bitch!

Come on, Buck, I swear.
That's the first time!

- I don't wanna hear it!
- Well, honestly, you can't.

I heard that.

- Ready to ride, guys?
- Ready to ride, baby.

Let's see what the
West Coast has to offer.

Think there'll be
any trouble along the way?

Oh, I hope so.

Yeah, I like
the way you think.

I like the way you think.

[all gasp]

I'm OK!
I just hurt my face.

[all cheering]

[~ Brian Wilson:
Good Vibrations]


- [Doug] Hey, we did it!
- [Woody] Woo-hoo!

Do you believe this?

- [Dudley] Hello!
- [Bobby] Whoa, my goodness.

Whoa, oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh! Whoa!

- Whoa! Ah!
- [honking horn]


Whoa! Sorry, sorry.

Two thousand miles,
but I finally got it.

'Bout time, rookie!

- Lot of distractions.
- California, baby!

[all groan]


Welcome back
to Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

Now, we've met
some incredible families,

but this could be
the saddest story we've...

We've ever seen.

This family has lost everything.

They've lost their home,
they've lost their history,

they've lost their heritage.

But this week, we've done
something about that.

So let's welcome back...
the Del Fuego family!

[all cheering]

Well, Jack, two months ago, man,

you lost the only home
you ever knew.

But thanks to a call
from your friends, the Wild Hogs,

we built you a new one.

[Dudley] That's so great.

They... He didn't have to
mention us. That's... Oh, man.

So you guys know what to say?

- Say it with me!
- [all] Bus driver, move that bus!

[all cheer]



[Ty] Usually we have some
pretty emotional reactions,

but, uh, Jack, you know, wow.

I'm not sure what
was going on with Jack.

[whimpering] Oh...

Thanks to our friends at Sears
and local breweries,

who provided state-of-the-art taps
and a year's supply of free beer!

[all cheering]

Oh, my God! That is so cool!

[screaming] That is so cool!

Cool as a parking lot
made out of real leather?

- Oh!
- [Murdock] That is so rad!

That is so [bleep] rad!

The bar was my home.
When it went down...

I felt... homeless.

Del Fuegos,
go check out your new home!

[Ty] Here's the thing, you're
talking about a bunch of guys

that grew up in broken homes.
They really didn't have a home.

And now they've got one.
With a bidet in it.

- Thank you!
- [cheering continues]

[exhales heavily]


[all] We love our bar.
Thanks, America!

- Yeah!
- Whoo!

Wild Hogs!

[~ Bon Jovi: Lost Highway]

Special thanks to SergeiK.