You Don't Mess With The Zohan Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the You Don't Mess With The Zohan script is here for all you fans of the Adam Sandler movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some You Don't Mess With The Zohan quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

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You Don't Mess With The Zohan Script

You don't mess with the Zohan!

Come disco.

No, no, no.
I no disco, I make the fish.

Danny, come on, go disco.

Oh, okay. Disco!

Danny, that looks good. You're gonna
be a hit at your bar mitzvah.

So okay, Mr. Big Penachim,
I no see you disco.

No, no, no. I making dagim.
I no disco.

A real man, he can disco
and cooking dagim.

So let's go.

Go, go.

I get the hummus for you.

And for you.

Little for me, eh!



Kapara, what is going on!

Just some bullshit-uchen.

Let's go!

Hey, I'm on vacation here.
Can't you see this!

You promised me time off.
Get someone else to do it.

Are they gonna hurt him!

No one can hurt the Zohan.

- Bye, Zohan.
- Take care, man.

The terrorist known as Phantom...

...was spotted yesterday at a
Hacky Sack tournament in Beirut.

He may be have been trying to
bait us by surfacing briefly.

We believe he's being kept in a safe
house on the Lebanon border.

How is we lose Phantom!

Didn't I capture Phantom
three months ago!

What, you didn't hear
about the trade!

What trade!

Zohan, we gave back the Phantom.


What do you mean,
we give back the Phantom!

Zohan, relax.

It was a good trade.
We got back Etan and David.

That's all we got
for a veteran terrorist!

Come on, we got hosed here.

They threw in a spy
to be named later.

Come on, Zohan,
you have to like that deal.

Maybe they're talking about Ze'ev.

Come on, he's not even a good spy.

He got caught, for God's sake.
He's a stupid.

Our plan is to enter the building from
the front with a team of eight men...

...with an additional 12 men
at perimeter positions.

Unfortunately, there is a high
probability of collateral damage...

...including property and loss of life,
on both sides.

Okay, here we go.

Excuse me!

Come on, is it not safer
to send one man into building...

...with minimal coverage
to take out the target...

...instead of blowing up
half the neighborhood!

Well, who would do that!

Oh, "who would do that!"

You know you were
going to ask the Zohan.

Zohan, why you say this!

I just laid out an entire plan
which didn't rely on you.

Come on, Yaron,
you're setting me up.

All this talk of civilian casualties,
then of course I end up doing it.

- But I'm not even asking you to do it.
- All right, I'll do it.

Give me Avi and Koby as watch,
I'll get it done without the mess.

Well, thank you. You didn't have to.

Oh, I didn't have to, bullschlassah.

Have some Fizzy Bubblech.

"Kiwi watermelon"! Yeah, is good.


Chunky cuts.

Zohan, what are you doing!
The girls are here.

I know, I was watching television.

Well, if you want to have fun with us,
we're right next door.

- Good with the sticky, you should do it.
- No, no, no.

I am going to dinner with my parents.
Just leave me alone.

- All right, all right.
- It is all right!

You don't giggle at the Zohan.

You hear me!
No giggling at the Zohan.

You never giggle at the Zohan.

What's the matter, tatele?

You haven't touched
your baba ganoush.

What would you think if I tell you...

...I want to leaving the army,
start a new life!

Why would you do that!
You are good at it. It's steady pay.

You can't leave,
you're one of their best.

Besides, you are too old
to take a risk.

Stay in the army, play it safe.

There's other things I can do
besides war.

You don't war.

- I was in the real war.
- I know, I know the story.


We were surrounded on all sides,

- And in six days, we...
- And in six days, we won.

You won. I'm sorry,
I don't have a big, fancy war...

...that lasted all of six days...

Six days and five hours.
Your generation likes to forget that.

Dad, I've done so much
for the country. When does it end!

They've been fighting for 2000 years.
It can't be much longer.

All of my friends served
the minimum three years.

Why can't I move on!
Do something else.

Something more creative.

Creative, what!

You've caught so many terrorists,
it's an art.

You're like Rembrandt
with a grenade.

What will you do!

Maybe go to America.

What, and haggle over
stereo equipment!

Wait a minute, Ya'acov.

Uncle Levi will set you up
at electronic store.

You make money, sow your
creative oats, you come back.

No, I don't want to do
electronics store.

Then how will you make money!

I don't want to say.

Zohan, if you can't tell your parents,
who can you tell!

Come, Zohanele.

I want to cut...

...and style hair.

You... You fagala?

He's fag... Faga...

I like hair. It's pleasant,
it's peaceful, no one gets hurt.

Well, you're only digging
that fagala hole deeper and deeper.

Hello, down there!
Hello, in the fagala hole.

Maybe he wants Vaseline.

Yes, it's so funny.

I just want to make people
silky smooth.

You know the Phantom will try to run,
so be ready for this.

- Zohan, now!
- So let's go.

The Zohan.


I get it, I get it,
you guys don't like our country.

So we are the bad ones.

I'd love to sit and discuss this
with you, but I'm short on time.

I'm just saying.
It's not so cut-and-dry.

We settled here
for hundreds of years!

Good point.

None of my ancestors ever stepped
foot in this land. No, you're right.

Hey, don't walk away!

Come out, come out,
wherever you are.

Hello, jackass.

You think you can oppress my people,

But I will never disappear.

No one can catch Phantom!

So let's go.

Very good.

Sorry. It's for the cause.


Zohan, bring it.

Why you do this! I feel no pain.

No, no, no. I feel no pain.

- I feel no pain. This is too much...
- No, no, no. I feel no pain.

I have told you in other fights.

No, no, no. I kill you right now.

Look, look, look.

The piranha,
it looks very painful for you.

Is good, is good.

Is very nice. Yes, yes.

Fizzy Bubblech for me.

You like what you see!

Time to die.

So let's go.

Okay, game over.


I kill!

I kill the Zohan!

Zohan is dead.

The Phantom!

Cutting the hair,
this makes something beautiful.

Instead of shooting it.

That's why I had to fake to die.

I could have captured Phantom again,
but for what! They trade him.

I love my country,
but the fighting, it never ends.

It's like Mr. Scrappy, you bite Coco.

Coco, you bite him back.

Soon you are both having worms,
eating your own poopech...

I understand. The pills.

Your parents think
they know what's best for you.


It's all about not getting recognized.

I know how great I looked
in the beard...

but I'll make this work for me,
you'll see.

Rise and shine, guys.
Good morning.

Is nice, huh!

It's the Avalon.

It says I care about the way I look,
but I'm still approachable.

Oh, you like this!

Who wants to go next, guys!
Who wants to look silky smooth!

Yes. Yes.

Oh, where are my two little babies!
Oh, come on.

Come on out, Scrappy, come on out.
Come to Mama, Mr. Coco.

Mr. Scrappy. Coco.
What happened!

Who gave you permission
to do this, huh!

Who did! Answer me.

Scrappy, was it you!
It was you, wasn't it!

You're always the instigator.

Bad dog. You are a very bad dog.
Never again are you gonna travel.

Take me to the Paul Mitchell
hair salon.

- First time in New York!
- Yes, my friend.

So, what brings you here!

I have a dream.

I had a dream too.

What dream you have!

My dream was to come to America...

...and make enough money
to send for me brothers and sisters... that we all could enjoy
freedom together.

- This is good dream.
- Oh, yes, it is.

- Is dream come true!
- No, man.

Me brothers and sisters
were hacked to death.

But I love the Chinese food here.
It's incredible.

- Hey, you forgot these.
- Those are for you, my friend.

Good morning for you.
I am here to meet Mr. Paul Mitchell.

And who are you!

Scrappy Coco.
I am here to take a job from him.

He isn't in right now.

That's good. So I will wait, then.

You know what! I'll take
one Fizzy Bubblech, a raspberry.

You know,
he actually doesn't come in too often.

Yes, just tell him I am perfect for this,
so let's go.

- I am the best.
- The best at what!

All of this. The cutting, the styling,
the making it silky smooth.

I wanna know who cuts your hair.

Oh, you like this, eh!

This is the Avalon,
straight from the Paul Mitchell book.

I haven't seen that style
since Luke married Laura.

Sister, are you this Laura!

You tell Paul Mitchell,
Scrappy Coco was here to see him.

If I find out he was here...

...or you are keeping him
hidden from me...

...I will destroy you.

Believe me this.

What the hell was this, champ!
I'm not paying for that!

This asshole cut me off,
made me swerve into you!

With all due respect,
I was in the bicycle lane.

You came like a madman.
Be glad nobody was hurt.

I mean, somebody could've died.
I mean, you came...

Okay, real mature, sir. Real mature.

You do not want to be
throwing bicycles.

Look, stay out of my business,

"Mustafa"! This is not my name.
Who tells you this is my name!

Salami, bologna, apple sauce.

Apple who!

My friend, if I were you,
I would change the tone.

Avoid the pain.

Listen, go back to your goddamned
pretzel stand. We got it...

- Look what I've got. It's right here.
- Please!

- I've got it.
- Please, let me go.

I never work at pretzel stand.
You like to insult people!

Was that your feet!

Yes, it's the feet. The feet uppercut.

Here comes the double foot.

This is good.

Smell it, smell it, smell it.
Now take it.

- That's for you.
- All right, let me go!

You said you wanted pretzel!

Okay, I'm good.


You want some chickens!

No, no, no. I fix for you.

It's all b'seder.

What are you, bionic!

No, no, no. I only like the girls.

Thanks, anyways.

This is ridiculous traffic.

Anyway, George insisted
we have the party.

- I always get midnight shift.
- Could you keep it down, please!

I no sleep,
I no see World Series Poker.

Are you even watching the road!

Be nice. He could be a terrorist.

- Why Hamdi no get no midnight!
- Could you at least change the station!

- Hey, that was amazing.
- Oh, yes.

Where are you from, anyway!

Where am I from!


Because you sound Middle Eastern.

No, no, no. Similar accents.

- Kangaroo. You see!
- Sure.

This is ridiculous. We're getting out.

- Come on, dear.
- I've been working longer than Hamdi.

- You want me to get you home!
- No, I'll grab a cab.

You've done enough.
That was crazy.

Whose lockzie do I have to schluck?

Oh, you know you're boning me.
I don't know that.

It's you.

- What is happening!
- What's happening!

It's bullshaklaga.

- We have to go.
- Go where!

- I'll run you.
- What are you doing!

This is legal!

Scrappy, have another kneidlach.
Come on.

You're very nice, Mrs. Klayman.

It reminds me of my mother's cooking
in Australia.

It's funny, you don't sound Australian.

Yes, no, no, no.
This is because I am half Australian...

...half Mount Everest.

So this is what you're hearing.

Well, Australia,
it must be really nice there...

...since they got rid of the apartheid.

Oh, yes, the weather is much cooler.

So, Scrappy,
I understand you cut hair.

I will be working
with Mr. Paul Mitchell... soon as I find out
where they are hiding him.

Oh, Mom, Scrappy
doesn't have a place to stay yet.

- Really!
- Not yet.

Well, actually,
there's a nice one-bedroom...

...that just opened up upstairs.

Nice light, not huge.

And they redid the kitchen very well.

- This could be good.
- Could be good.

Could be good.

Hey, Mom,
do you know where the detergent is!

- That's very good.
- Oh, my God!

What! What's the matter!

What's the matter! That's my mom.

- It's okay, Michael.
- I know it's your mother.

She's very beautiful.

Michael, I haven't made sticky
in two days.

- What do you want from me!
- Couldn't you wait till I was asleep!

- Or dead!
- No, Michael.

You do... What's he doing now!

Why'd that happen!
Why'd that happen!

It's okay. Let me talk to him.

Oh, I can't get up.

No, no. You'll feel your legs again
in two hours.


Come on, this is nothing
to feel bad about.

Me sexing your mother.

It's beautiful. It's natural.

No, I didn't bring you home
to do it with my mother.

Why not, huh!
You don't want her to be happy!

Did you see her! Did you look at her!

I don't think
I can ever look at her again.

Michael, her face
during the big bang-boom!

You did not see!

She was glowing.

Patches. What are you...!

Michael, come on.

They'll be plenty of time
for you and me.

Tonight, I take you to disco, huh!
How's this!

No, why would I wanna go
to a disco tonight!

Michael, you should go. It'd be fun!

You could use a little stank.

Yes, you need your penachim
to take a swim.

Yeah, a little chicken of the sea.
It wouldn't hurt.

Disco, disco.
Let's do this, Michael. Yes or no!

Come on, you get to disco.

- All right, fine, I'll go to the disco.
- Okay.

I do your mother one more time,
and then we go.

- Wha...!
- Seconds already!

Oh, yes.

Hey. Look at this.

This is what you need, man,
to let off a little steam, huh!

How many times a day do you
make sticky! Two! Five! Twelve!

How many times a day!
I've had sex once in my life.

It was at tennis camp.
It was awful.

You're too picky, Michael.
Maybe that's the problem.

Every weed in the desert
is still a flower.

Look at this. This a big one, eh!

But look at the tits.
These will bounce nice for you.

Your mother, she has huge poopeh.

I mean, very wide.

But what I see are two big, strong legs
wrapped around my head, squeezing.

So who wants to get some

- I wanna get some poontachen?
- Well, let's get some. Yes.

It's good for you. Nice spinning.

This is what I'm talking about.
You play this.

- I ain't playing this corny shit.
- No, no.

I need to set the
mood for my friend.

Get out,
you Daisy Duke-wearing motherf...

- Disco, disco.
- Good, good!

- Disco, disco.
- Good, good!

Yes, hello. Hello.

Hey, Zohan.

Who you looking for!

It's okay, no one can hear me
in disco, Zohan.

Can you believe the poontachat
in this place!

I'm not Zohan.
My name is Scrappy Coco, my friend.

Of course you are Zohan Dvir.

They all think you dead in Israel.
I'm not going to tell.

Tell what!
I don't know what you're talking about.

Zohan, it's okay.
Don't worry, I'm a huge fan.

The way you took out
Abdullah Meda in '94.

And when you made Melami Benazir
eat his own shit in '97.

I can't believe I'm meeting you, man.

So, what the fachma
are you doing here!

Come with me.

Look, I couldn't take
all the fighting anymore.

- What's it all for!
- Are you crazy!

If I could blow a terrorist
inside out like you...

...this is all I would do.
I'd never sleep.

- This is exaggeration.
- No, it's not.

You made Palami Habdallah's poodle
sit on a live grenade.

- You gotta show me how you did that.
- I don't remember. I was young.

So tell me the truth.
Why are you in America!

I no want to tell you.

What! What! Come on.

You are the best, Zohan.
Whatever you say is good.

I want to be hairdresser.

You a fagala?

I can't believe it.

A great warrior, but also a fagala
with the penachim.

No, no, no. I like hair.

Come on, man, I get you real job.

You come by my shop tomorrow.

Israeli electronics. Are you crazy!

- Everyone will recognize me.
- No, you don't look like same Zohan.

You have silly haircut now.

- I have what haircut!
- What!

- You say I look silly!
- No, no. Who said this!

- You said this.
- No, no. Nobody say nothing.

I don't need your job.

I get my own job on my own
at a big salon. You will see.

You ever cut a sister's hair before!

Yes. Sister, brother, grandma,
grandpa, the whole family.

I'm good at this.

Have you ever worked
with dreads before!

This is what you do.

No more. This creature slayed.

It's not a problem. Okay, he's got me.
He's got me. He's got me. Okay.

Okay. So we blind him in the eyes.
We got you.

And we finish him.

You back away, I take hold of him.
Go! Go! Go out! Go now!


This is hair. This is hair.

Oh, okay. The joke's on me, eh!

A big part of our job here
is making this a fun experience.

Of course, of course.

For a lot of kids, this is their first cut,
and it can be very frightening.

- I can imagine.
- I don't want a haircut.

Get away from me.

Let me go.

Young man, look what I found here.

A nice balloon.

Do you want it! It's right here.

You shouldn't jump around...

...when this nice woman's
holding a sharp pair of scissors.

If you move, she could slip and
slice your jugular vein on accident.

There's no way to stitch the jugular.

All of your blood will be on the floor
in four minutes.

I've seen this. I've done this.
You don't want this.

Well, then, at least it's a good time to
shave his neck. I would get him quick.

When I was your age
I already killed seven men.

Maybe you should grow up.

I promise you you won't regret.

And come back.

"Fujigawa"! I don't know that brand.
It really isn't...

It's not really Fujigawa.
It's Sony guts.

- Wouldn't it be better with the Sony...
- Oh, no, no, no. This is what you want.

- Four-hundred fifty.
- But the ad says "Sony," and "300."

No, no, no. What you going to believe,
me or the ad! Four-fifty.

Hello, Going Out of Business.
Can I help you!

Sony, yes. Three hundred.

Come in, yes. Very good, very good.

Hi. I represent the new owner
of this building.

Good for you. Want a birthday cake!
What do you want!

Yamaha is very good.

Did you receive our letter
regarding your rent!

- This I don't know.
- It's being raised to 20,000 a month.

No, no, no. This is too much.

Eighty-five hundred
is all we'll give you.

- This isn't negotiable. We can get...
- Ten thousand, that's all.

We both go home happy.

- I'm sorry. We can't settle for less.
- Okay, no deal.

You come back when you
want to deal.

- Sir, you don't understand.
- Go.

What you still here for! You like me!
I have girlfriend. Go.

Thank you very much.

Hey, look who's here.

Come on, not so loud.

Don't worry, Zohan.
I tell you, they don't recognize you.

Yosi. This is good man.
This Chocolaté Coco.

- Scrappy Coco.
- Scrappy Coco.

Cooking Who-co!

Yes, yes.

So you're going out of business!

No, no, no, no. Is just a sign.
Is good for business.

Yeah, so you look me up, man.
That's cool.

I come for job.

Job. So you not big hairstyle!

It's not really happening for me
so far.

So I am here. So let's go.

No. No job.

What do you mean!
You tell me to come here.

I can no let you do this.
You want to be hair homo.

No, so I do this for now.
It's all yofi tofi.

Is no now.

Once you start in electronics store,
you never get out.

Look at Ephraim. You see!

I don't see nothing wrong with that.
It's perfect.

Ephraim came to America... be racing car driver.

But he let slip away.

I can hear it. Look. Check your ear.

Pinchas wanted to be
the next Bill Cosby.

No. Is resistant, no proof.
You don't understand!

But the store kept pulling him back.

Maybe you swimming with the watch.

- I'm not swimming...
- Is resistant.

Yosi wanted to be a hand model.

What, you don't like this! Look at this.
This is most beautiful.

But he got too comfortable here.

Press this button, it's free HBO.

The electronics store
is a dream killer.

And I won't let the Zohan
kill his dream.

You are a real mensch, Oori.

You the mensch.


What! What's this!

You may not go for this,
but this place cross the street...

- Yes!
- They maybe take you.

- Is good place!
- No, is dump, but they take you.

Is on Palestinian side of street.


No, no, no.
Look, nobody kill you there.

Here nobody care.

First off, no one kill me anywhere.

But Palestinian, no.

I've done enough
to my parents already.

I just want job for the Zohan.

And it kills me
the way Phantom bastard...

...getting his buttochim kissed
in Palestine now.

Buttochim kissed! What's this!

He have business.

He buy wives.


They say his ugly face everywhere.

Everyone is running
To Phantom's Chewy Muchentuchen

For the food the heroes eat

Kubeh, sambouesk,
Delicious muchentuchen

You never know who you'll meet

You are going to get spoiled.

Phantom Muchentuchen!

Oh, yeah!

This month,
order Muchentuchen Happy Lunch...

... and get action figures from
Phantom Presents: Death to Zohan.


This animal gets to live his dream.
But, me, l...

I can no work Palestinian, no.
It's like... I can't do this.

Yes, you can.

Is your dream to cut hair.
You want fight, or you want hair!

I want hair. But I'm scared.

Is America.
You can do anything here.

You never done something
people thought was impossible!

So you don't want to talk, huh!
I'll make you talk.

I can do this.

Disco, disco, good, good.

Disco, disco, good, good.

Disco, disco, good, good.

Disco, disco, good, good.

Disco, disco, good, good.

So you have never cut hair before.

I have cut my own hair
and several dogs.

I have the Paul Mitchell book,
I have the stamina, the desire...

But you have no training
or experience.

Would you hire someone
with experience in something else!

In what!

Can anyone here do this!

Okay. I have never seen that.

That is very nice,
but that is not going to help me.

No hands.

Besides, I have no openings.

If anything, I need to scale back...

...since they just raised my rent
through the roof.

Out of nowhere, some guy with a tie
comes in and tells me I need to pay.

Stop it!

I only wish to learn.

I will do whatever it takes.

Fine. You can sweep up hair
a few shifts a week.

- You won't be...
- No pay.

No, no, no.
But then, I will become stylist, yes!

That could be a while.

I will wait turn. You will see.

I will get nighttime job for money.

Soon the whole world
will be silky smooth.


- Carmen Electra has the best tits now.
- Oh, please.

Oh, my God.
I wonder how much she paid for them.

They're so perky.

You know, leave it to her
to buy the best tits.

It's always first class with that one.

You know you don't have to catch
every piece of hair as it falls.

Yes, I do. You deserve a perfect floor.
One single hair is unacceptable.

As you were.

Yes. I got this.

"Did you see
the new Kate Hudson movie!

I think she is even more vivacious
than her mother."

Scrappeleh, that's wonderful.
Now, let's practice on Michael.

Could you come in here, please!

What! What is...!

Oh, Scrappy needs to practice

Can we do this another time! I have
a shot at keeping my food down.

Michael, I want to practice now.

I'm afraid I'm terrible at this.
Why won't you help me!

Oh, honey.
You are good at everything you do.

- Got it.
- Thanks.

So you're making her silky smooth,
huh, Claude!

- Framing her face!
- Yeah, Scrappy. I'm framing her face.

This is smart.

A nice layered style
with the soft bangs... good for a bigger woman
like this.

- Coco.
- Takes the eyes off the moon face...

...and brings it toward the titzim.


I need to speak to you.

In private.

Private. A secret!

They will never get it out of me,
I promise you.

Coco, Claude is trying to work.

Yes. He's very good.

So I am ready to cut hair today.
So let's go, let's get it on.

No. Let's not go.

But I am the best.

Don't tell me you're the best.

- I have the desire, the stamina.
- You've been here two days.

I run this place for five years.

I think I know when you are ready
to cut hair.

Okay, Jeez! Get a room, you two.

No, no, no.

I do not touch this
with your penachim.

Out of respect for the working.

No, you don't eat where you shit.

Or shit where you eat.
Whatever the...

The smell is bad.

This is called a comb.

- With the fingers!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no.

- Scrappy.
- I'm sorry. Here, I take your leg up.

I'm sorry about this. I'm sorry.

- Okay. All right.
- I apologize.

- Take him where he wants to go.
- Thank you. Okay.

- Good luck.
- It will be fine.

- Your limousine has arrived, sir.
- You're observant, Tyler.

Thank you, Big Mac.

I am really late for a hotel opening
downtown. The Walbridge Hotel.

I understand, sir. I know the
neighborhoods inside and backwards.

- We will not let them stop us.
- What!

I'm not in much of a hurry.

Oh, no.

You want some coffee back there!


I will lose them.

Nobody is following us.

Oh, shit!

Have a good time, sir.

Debbie, you did a good job.

You look very bangable,
Mrs. Rosen.

Mrs. Paulson, I must tell you...

...when you first came in,
you looked hideous.

There was nothing attractive.

But now, I must say,
my schtitzel, it's about to burst.

- It could break these any...
- What are you doing!

We are talking shop.

No. No.

- Look, Coco...
- What!

You need to calm down now, okay!

I don't think these customers
like the way you talk shop.

Nobody say this.

Coco, remember,
respect for the workplace.

I have betrayed my salon.

He's trying to kill himself.

- Scrappy.
- I deserve this.

No, no. Just... Just...

Easy on the ladies.

I didn't mind.

Take care, Mrs. Paulson.

She did not mind.

Let me disinfect the scissors... someone else
can make someone else silky smooth.

I'll just clean up.

Rafaela's Salon.

What! No.

Debbie, she quit.

- What!
- Sorry.

Claude, did you know about this!

I should have told you.

She's been looking for a new job
since those rent guys came around.

Then why you no say nothing,
little bitch!

Don't worry,
I'm not giving up on this place.

You're a good guy, habibi.
I just... I don't know what to do.

So let's go.

Scrappy, I have enough problems
right now.

I not the problem. I the solution. I fix.

But if you screw up...

I can't afford a screwup right now.

No, no, no. I no screw up.
I am the best for the job.

Yeah, but you push and push.
"When is my turn"!

I have to care about salon.

- No, no, no.
- No, no, no.

You care about you. And don't fight
in front of the customer.

Mrs. Skitzer,
I am afraid our stylist is out today.

Would you care to wait for Claude!

Does he do hair!

He's not a regular.

Well, that's fine.

She say...
I mean, only if it's okay with Dalia.


You will not regret this decision.

Mrs. Skitzer, let's cut your hair.

Just lay back, Mrs. Skitzer.
I'll take care of everything.

- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.

Sexy woman like you
deserves to be pampered.

Me, sexy! Sure.

Don't be humble.

You've got the ass and tits
of a schoolgirl and you know it.

And everyone else knows this too,
believe me.


Let me get your earring off.

I love it.

Of course you do.
I make you silky smooth. I tell you this.

All right, Scrappy.
You can cut Debbie's clients today.

If they want you.

Thank you.

I'll get to you all soon as I'm
all the way done with Mrs. Skitzer.

That all you got, Mrs. Skitzer!

Come on, baby. Go, baby. Yes. Yes.

So who's next!

Come on, Scrappy!

Thank you, dear.

- It's a lot of speakers.
- Yes. Yes.

It's orgasmic.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yes!

Grab it, Scrappy!

For you. Yes.

I give this to you.

- No. I am sorry, Mr. Paul Mitchell.
- Hear me out, Scrappy, please.

I'll give you stock options.
I'll name a shampoo after you.

No, my loyalty is to here.
I will destroy you.

I heard about this place
from Joanne.

You have to ask for Scrappy.

Yes, is the primary
cardholder present!

Excuse me!

Hello, I am calling
from Spiegel catalogue.

Are you between the ages
of 18 and 39!

We're trying to talk here.

Have you ordered from catalogue
in past six months!

Could you get off the phone
while you drive!

Hey, what's the matter!
I trying to make a living, do my job.

This is your job.

This is job also.

This is not Iraq.

I am Palestine, I'm not Iraq.

And you're not getting a tip.

And you are a stupid cow.


- And we're done. Okay, you, skedaddle.
- Thanks so much.

- I'll see you later.
- All right.

I like this, the red hair.

I bet she has a pumpkin patch
down below, yes!

I don't know.

- Did you tap her tuchus?
- No.

Why don't you go after
the snatchacheem in this place!

They all want you, believe me.

Scrappy, I wouldn't be so sure.

I'm telling you,
you're not picking up the signs.

Come with me.
I'll show you a technique. It's beautiful.

Hello, Mrs. Haynes. How are you!
You want the cut and color today!

Yes, please. Thanks.


You see! She's going with it.
It's good.


- She has a free shoulder. Come join.
- I'm good.

Mrs. Haynes,
you're getting cold here.

Claude, come. Keep her warm.

Go ahead. Yes.

And gently move.
Gently move the shoulder.

All you want to do is let her know
you're here for her.

Now look away
like you're not even doing it.

We're not doing this.

- Same rhythm.
- Okay.

Push. Push. Push.

Oh, you're pushing harder.
It's starting to feel good on my end.

I am trying to make money
to start my own business, huh.

Would you say you read Spiegel
once a month, twice...

Would you just get us
to the hair salon!

We're gonna miss our appointment.

I curse you, and I curse your hair.

What is big deal
about this hair place anyway!

They get worse every year.

Okay, we'll take them to the truck.
We'll just talk to them. But we'll find a...

Did you throw this shoe at me,
my friend!


Sure looks like it was you.

Then who threw it!

Okay. You're lucky I'm in good mood.
I'll let you off the hook.

Nobody spits on me.

Thank you for the goat, my friend.







I said, "Can we have the receipt!"

Yes. Die in hell.


We'll color your hair Bling-Bling
Blond. This is what you need.

You know what else they go for!

The... I don't know what you have,
but mine is the biggest.

It does not get bigger than this.

It's enormous. Scary. I mean:


I have the biggest. It's the biggest.

Take a look at this.


- It's not that big.
- It's not that...!

No, no, no. The bush.

The bush is the biggest.

And the girls like this
because it's cushion.

It is no bullshaklaga. He is the one.
I never forget a face.

So, what do you want I do!

Wait. I conference you.


Nasi, emergency meeting.
You're on with Hamdi as well.

- Hello, Nasi.
- Hello, Hamdi.

Can you believe
how much they pay Delgado!

Yes. Why Mets do this!

This is serious. We meet!

I explain why is emergency.

This is not just man
who take my goat.

- Zohan Dvir.
- Yes.

Everyone think Phantom kill him.

Phantom not kill him.

We will capture,
then make trade with Israel.

We will be heroes.

But, Salim, we are not Jihadim. We
don't know for sure that this is him.

Let's call Hamas, Hezbollah.
Let them handle this.

- Leave it to the pros.
- No.

Hezbollah shmezbollah.

Hezbollah will take all the credit.
This is our shot.

Why not let Phantom capture him!

Screw Phantom. He hero already.

Where's my chain
of muchentuchen restaurants!

Salim, don't make this
about yourself.

This is about me.

And about him.

And about my goat!

Come on, let's go!

This is nice,
the walking inside the outside.

The park, the people,
the horses, the kid.

Well, you're always downtown.

You should see
a little more of New York.

Yes, yes, this is good.

The talking is good... get to know each other
before the bang-boom. I like.

Oh, no, no, no.
There will be no bang-booming.

I just wanted to thank you
for saving my business.

- This isn't a date.
- No, no, no.

I feel you have helped me so much...

The right thing to do
is to tap you so hard... schtitzel will come out
your poopech. That's what I think.

Look, why don't we
just enjoy the park!

No, no, no. This is what we do.

Hey, look, softball.

- You like softball!
- Of course, I love softball.

What is softball! Teach me how to.

I learned softball
when I came to the States.

When you're Arab, it helps to fit in.

Yeah, how long you move here ago!

Just a few years ago.

I couldn't take it there anymore.
All the hate, on both sides.

Yes, especially yours.

Why you say this! You don't know.

No, no, I don't. I read this.

The Australian-Tibet media
is very biased.

Look, both sides crazy.

My own family...

My brother...

...if he knew I work cross street
from Israelis, he would lose it.

- Really!
- You have the hardcores on both sides.

They just want to fight and fight.

Nobody will win this way.
It has to stop.

When will it end, eh! Yes.

Okay, so you must be thirsty, no!


Where you get this!

This! From specialty shop
on West Side.

This Middle Eastern drink.
You know this! Fizzy Bubblech!

No, no, no. It looks pretty good.

Oh, try, try. It's very good.
Try, have a sip.

It's not for me.

No! Really!

This is his shop.

Here is photo for compare.

For how long this take!
I close the newsstand.

Make sure you ask him
if he ever hit by shoe.

And about the prize goat
that can fetch a bowl of onion soup.

Look in his eyes when you
ask him this, for they will be suffering.

- You know, I just got haircut.
- Go.

Look at this. I feel like Hugh Hefner
with all you little bunnies around here.

Okay, okay,
let's see who is going next.

"Jorge Posada," where are you!

That's me.

Okay, good-looking guy,
you take a seat there. You're next.

You know, you look like
you already just got haircut.

No, no.

So I guessing you're looking for
something in the silky smooth area!

- Well...
- Because I see you have nice curls.

You don't want to
cut into those curls.

We will talk about this over there.

Okay, Scrappy, I wait.

Is not like I have a shoe to throw.

Sure. Yes. Beautiful. Whatever.

I don't have time to go watch
a goat fetch soap.

- What!
- What! I don't know.

Listen, my friend... want to talk, it's good,
but you have to wait your turn.

First I have to cut and bang
Mrs. Greenhouse.

- That's right.
- Okay.

Well, I'm ready for it.

Oh, dear.

I am sorry, Mrs. Greenhouse.
I am not man enough for you today.

Oh, Scrappy, it's fine.

I don't know what the problem is.
I am going to lose business.

Oh, no, dear. You're still adorable.

The screwing
was really just a bonus.

You are an angel, Mrs. Greenhouse.

An angel with a magic throat.

Oh, Scrappy!

No, that could work.
One more, please.

Let's see what we got.

And we're still nothing.


He was very cool.

Idiot. What did he say!

He think I have nice curls
that go well with a full face.

- But was it him!
- Well, it looked like him.

But hard to know.

I tell you this: he didn't seem to care
when I talk about goat fetching soap.

Soup. The goat fetched soup.
You ruin everything.

Soup! This makes no sense.

Screw you. It's him. I know it's him.

The goat fetched soup!
This is unbelievable.

Go to hell.

You said it was urgent!

It's an emergency.
Please, take a look.

Yes, yes.

Well, that's not a real problem.
You can always shave it.

No, not the bush.

No, inside the bush.
Look deeper. Him.

- I see.
- He lays in there all day long.

Maybe it needs some more oxygen.
It looks like it's being strangled.

So the Palestinian says to the priest:

"Okay, but let's skip the bath."

Why, are they not clean!

No, is good joke.

Honey, are you all right!
You've been in there for over an hour.

What is this stuff! I mean, I took one
sip and I repainted the whole toilet.

Is Fizzy Bubblech.
You'll get used to it, relax.

I don't wanna get used to it.
My car couldn't.

- All right, that's it for me. I'm done.
- What! What!

Is everything all right!

- Is it about the pee-pee!
- Stop it.

- The pee-pee!
- He can't do with his peepeechosetz.

He's usually as hard as trigonometry.

- Mom. What...!
- When did this happen!

The last few days.

Of course. It's ever since
you went out with that Dalia.

Your hog is telling you something.
She must be the one.

The one!

Is this possible!

Of course it's possible, man.

All the beaverim in the world
and he falls for Palestinian muffich.

Why should Scrappy care
if she's Palestinian!

He's from Australia and Tibet.
He's not Israeli.

- No, no, no.
- Oh, no, no, no.


What was that, a motor boat!

You know, Scrappy...

...a special woman is special
no matter where she's from.

Listen to your hog.

Someone special.

Maybe is good.

It's good! It's terrific!

I mean, you know,
you guys won't be together anymore...

...but Scrappy is in love.
That's great, awesome.

Thank you for your support.

- Is a good boy.
- Good boy.

This is fun. Let's celebrate.
Where's the cat!

Let's cat-sack, huh! Throw it to me.

- Got you.
- Let's play, man.

Take it, Michael.

Look at you.

I wanna try it.

Is good.

Welcome to Hezbollah phone line.

For membership information,
press one.

For negotiation update, press two.

For bonus mile information,
press three.

For terrorist supplies, press four.

We have currently suspended
our terrorist supply service...

... as we are engaged
in negotiations with Israel.

We will resume service as soon as
negotiations break down. Thank you.


Come on. Just think of a bomb.

They say you can make bomb from
everyday's material. You combine.

Yes, okay.
But what we combination!

Just think of chemicals.

Chemicals, like in science class.


Who remembers this stuff!


Well, can I help you fellas
find anything!

Yes, do you have...

..."liquid nitrogen."

You need what!

Liquid nitrogen.

Yeah. Well, I suppose
we have some of that.

Now, just a moment.

- This is it!
- Yes, and that's the large container.

This works!

Oh, it works quite well. Yes.

You use!

From time to time. Sure.

We'll take 12.

Look, you can turn off the water...

...but we will find a way
to keep on going.

Oh, you like when I spray you,
Mrs. Skitzer!

Where's the $ 14,000!

I have your rent right here.
There is no getting rid of me.

We don't wanna get rid of you.

Mr. Walbridge would actually like to
relocate your salon in our new mall.

You mean the one you want to destroy
this community to build!

It is not our intent
to destroy this community.

I'll take the community, Pancake.

My name is Gray, and I'll be back.

Nice to meet you, Pancake.

Why Pancake!

Just for fun.

You were amazing right there.

Oh, my God.


I have one.


I have zikpah.

Look at it.

It is you.

Dalia, I don't know how to tell you this.
I cannot make sticky with anyone else.

You are the special one.

I will only be stiff for you.

Who is Steve!

Stiff, with an F.

- Stiff. Stiff.
- Yes.


...I know you meant that
in a good way...

The best of ways.

- so thank you.

Thank you.

Is crazy.

This has never happened.

One woman... zikpah... life.

You see his face!
Scared Israeli son of bitch.

Salim, this is not bomb.

What you mean "not bomb"!

It's grade A liquid nitrogen.

Guys, I really need to go home.

Inaz have a soccer match
in the morning.

- I am hero.
- Salim, this not bomb. It just go:

Well, just go with it.

I scraped some off the window.

Maybe you know what is!

It's Neosporin, it's nothing.
I use it for cuts and genital sores.

We're beginning to think
maybe someone out to get the Zo...

The Scrappy.

You mean like a competing salon!
That's heavy.

Don't be afraid, honey.
Don't be afraid.

Well, I...

Yeah, lick this.
No, she likes the tongue in the ear.

Oh, I like that bet... Oh, I like that.

Close with the brenski.

Come on, get some saliva
on those bad boys.

- She likes it, huh!
- Of course she likes it.


I could look for clues. It's my shift
for community night watch.

The what!
The communism tight crotch!

Oh, it's the community
night watch program.

You know, people in the neighborhood
patrolling it, keeping it safe.

We kick some ass.

Hey, why don't you let Scrappy Coco
take your shift tonight!

- I bet he'd be good at this.
- Oori.

What! For clues.

I know it sounds scary, Scrappy,
but you are gonna be just fine.

Maybe I can manage one night.

Maybe you can pretzel some people.

- Thank you for getting the hummus.
- The hummus.

Where's Patches!


I'm terrified right now.
I'm totally terrified.

"Shitting my pants"
doesn't come close.

I wish I was shitting my pants.

It's just a patrol.

What if something goes down!

I don't know if I'd have the courage.

What if something goes down
and someone got killed!

I would have to live with that.
I'd be happier shitting my pants.

Much happier.

- Let's go.
- We're supposed to call the police.

No. No time.

No, no. No. It's good.

Drop the paint.

Get out of here, Ahab,
or I'll cut your eyes out.

- Maybe we should let him finish.
- No, no, no.

What you cut my eyes out with!
The Neosporin!

My blade, camel jockey.

My friend, the beating I give you
if you stop the spraying... much less than the beating
I give you if you try to cut me.

What are you laughing at!

That was just with everyone.

They had it coming to them, right!

Yeah. Yeah, it seemed like it. Yeah.

- Okay, you take it from here.
- I got it.

Everything's gonna be okay.

What you gotta say about that, huh!

You're telling me
our guys can't handle...

...some neighborhood
night-watching losers!

We can't even put a scare
into these people!

The main guy who got in the way... the same one who's bringing
old biddies into Rafaela Salon.

My aunt goes there.

She says besides the sex,
the guy gives a pretty good haircut.

Don't talk to me about that dump.

I've got a huge,
classy hotel standing there...

...and it's staring
at that cheap garbage.

I want it staring at the Supercuts.

Now, has anyone made any headway
with any of these foreign people!

I spoke to the manager of Going
Out Of Business again yesterday.

I stated our price
and the urgency of the matter...

...and he offered me two-thirds less
and a Toshiba DVD player.

The people at Everything Must Go
were just as difficult.

They offered me a Blu-ray disc
and a jar of hummus.

What's hummus!

It's a very tasty...

...diarrhea-like substance.

Grant Walbridge has a vision.

A vision for Lower Manhattan
to have the first indoor mall...

...with its own 300-foot
roller coaster.

You know, you're lucky I have
a world-class superhot girlfriend...

...with a perfectly proportioned
ass-to-breast ratio...

...or I'd be furious.

She is smoking, sir.

I'd pay
to spend an hour with her, sir.

Let me in on that.

Well, thank you.

But if you bitches
can't get those people out...

...I will find other people
who will get the job done.

However, whenever.


This is where I find them.

But I don't know if it's same people
who try to Neosporin salon.

But you caught them writing this crap,
so, what do you do!

- You don't mess with the Zohan.
- Check it.

- Disco.
- Disco.

- Good.
- Good.

Why did you do this
to Naseef's store, huh!

Why you blame the Israelis!

We come to work,
go out of business.

No, no, no.
Is not Israeli who do this.

I do community watch.
Don't worry, it's all taken care of.

Not Israeli! Who else would write
"Arab go home"!

Oh, I don't know,
just maybe 99 percent of the world.

- You see what he says!
- That was joke.

Come on, come on.
You guys get along here, stop this.

Yeah, here it's okay. It's just there,
the war is never going to end.

You know, we were so close to peace
before the asshole shot Rabin.

Bush, he see the big picture.

Bush no want peace,
he set it all back.

What about Bush's wife!
This is a wife I would get sticky with.

I would do this. I would do this.

- Yes, yes.
- What about Clinton! I would do Hillary.

The big legs.

Yeah, she look strict,
like she's going to teach me a lesson.

- Yes, discipline.
- You know what's funny!

I like Chelsea.

You're crazy.

She has beautiful legs.

If I want legs, I'll take Obama's wife.
She has legs.

This is what happens
when they talk politics.

No, no, no, wife of McCain!

She has the ass,
and you know she's not getting any.

I understand my assistant
explained the job to you.

He told us. You wanna get
some people out your building... you can build
some kind of roller coaster mall.

Sir, I just wanna thank you
for this opportunity.

I mean, it's a gift to mess with the Jews
and the terrorists on the same night.

I mean, it's like...

- It's like...
- Christmas in July.

It's like Christmas in July.

Right now
we are scheduled to sabotage...

... a black peoples' parade
in Chicago...

...but we can move that.

Well, I'm not really quite sure
how you move a parade.

That's easy, it's just a phone call.

Well, we'll be calling back
to make the arrangements.

Can I just say that I don't like
most rich people, but you get it.

We built this country
on the right to bear arms.

Now they're trying to tell me how many
bullets my gun can shoot per second.

They're trying to tell me
whether I can stockpile weapons... the shed behind my house.

- Right, by God.
- Anyway, you're a rich guy that gets it.

You and Mel Gibson.

Mel Gibson. Not too shabby.

Welcome to Hezbollah
customer service.

All lines are busy now.

Your call will be received
in... minutes.

Come on with this.
How we find Phantom!

Well, he probably hang
at the muchentuchen restaurant.

Okay, but which!
He have, like, 200.

Probably in Amman.

In downtown
he get the hottest poochibaba.

What's the area code of Amman!

Hello. Phantom Muchentuchen.

Yes. I want speak Phantom.

What say! No English.


Want speak to Phantom.

No, no, no. Phantom not here.
Phantom Muchentuchen.

Yeah, yeah, I know.
But Phantom no come!

But what about for poonibaba!

No, no, poonibaba at store
on 3rd and Lachalta.

Oh, okay. So you have number
for store!

You call information.

You don't have number
for other store!

It's somewhere. I don't know.

Come on, get number! I calling from
America, fry bitch! I very important.

Salim, the kids.

When she is grown up
she will understand!


I find the Zohan.
You not kill the Zohan.

I kill the Zohan.

No, you did not.
I find him in America.

I prove. I send you picture on cell.

Okay. Bring this.

I am bringing.

You see?

But the hairstyle, it is hideous.

This is same Zohan.

What he thinking! He look like guy
from Who's the Boss?

Look, this is same Zohan.

Everybody think you big hero.
But I tell everyone you not big hero.

Okay, okay, okay!
What you want, huh!

I want muchentuchen
restaurant chain.


But if I tell,
you no have chain anyway.

So you not give any incentive.

Okay. I want 50 percent
of muchentuchen chain.

- Phantom & Salim Muchentuchen.
- No.

- Twenty-five percent.
- No.

I want yogurt shop attached to store,
like food court.


- I get profits from store.
- No.

- Some profits.
- No.

I get free yogurt
when I come to store.

Okay. Within reason.

And I want some of your wives.

How many wives you want?

- Twenty.
- No.

- I sleep with one wife.
- No.

She give one pee-pee touch.


My friends, look what I do.
I hook you all up with tickets.

This Walbridge guy's
trying to kiss salon's ass... he give me 20 tickets

Very nice. Hassan, you see this!

This is where you're going to be
when Israel kick your ass.

Yes! No, you're gonna give it up
like you give up Gaza Strip, huh!

Excuse us.

I have to show you this.

Listen to Fatima Zaad's
gossip column on Page Nine.

"A hall of fame terrorist
is visiting New York...

...and not for the muchentuchen."

- Phantom's coming to the City!
- There's more.

"He's coming to hacky sack
a certain scrappy Israeli...

...who says he cuts hair,
but really cuts terrorist."

He's ruined everything.

Why you say! You the Zohan.

He come to hacky sack,
you take him out.

No, I don't care.
I come here to start new life.

Get new woman to love
and make the bang-boom.

Now my life's followed me here.

Maybe Phantom no care anymore.

You're an Israeli counterterrorist!

- I knew it.
- What!

Well, the Israeli part.
Because he's circumcised.

How is Dalia going to forgive me!

I'm liar.

She Palestinian, I'm no Australian.

You know, Scrappy...
I mean, "Zohard."

- if there's one thing I've learned
from all my relationships...

...with Jewish men, Puerto Rican men,
aborigines... can't have secrets
in a relationship.

You tell her the truth
and if she really is this special one...

...everything will work out just fine.

I like this.

I am sorry I not tell you the truth before
I make you fall head over tits for me.

But believe me,
I am wanting you even more.

I know you're not from
where you say.

I see how you look
at the Fizzy Bubblech.

Then why you like this! Is it because
I Israel and you Palestine!

Come on, tell me in my face.

Zohan, you're not just Israel.

You Israel.

But you say hate is stupid.

That's why you run to America, to get
away from the hate and the fighting.

I was even thinking
we let all this cool down...

...I go out and get us
a house over there.

We move in together,
we cut the hair...

...make the children,
cut the children's hair.

Zohan, I can't.

I have open mind,
but you Israeli counterterrorist.

No, no, no. I no do this anymore.

You put the fork in the fat lady,
it's over.

She's had enough to eat.
This is a promise.

It doesn't matter.

You don't know my family.

Or maybe you do.

What does this mean!

Just leave.

Please, it can't be.

Maybe is for best.

You deserve a safe life.

But know... will always be my special one.

- Zohan.
- Dalia.

I got you a gift.

A gift.

They come out with new book!

Yes. They do it
every 21 years, I think.

Just a slight update from yours.

No feathering!

Or scrunching!

Where's the style!

But I know this is nice gesture.
Thank you.

Goodbye, Zohan.



I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Me too.

You still go to Hacky Sack!

Yes, it's better I find him
than he finds me, huh!

I got your back.
I get you best army guys in city.

No, no, no. I handle this alone.

Hello! Let's go.

Go. Go, go, go.

Ladies and gentlemen,
here are your Israeli Blue Stars...

... and your Lebanese Trees!

Fizzy Bubblech.

What's with the cheers!
Wasn't that guy a terrorist!

Yeah, people used to boo
you too, John, you remember!

I wasn't a terrorist.

You were pretty bad.

I brought this great event
to New York to tell the world...

...that New York City...

...loves its foreign immigrant-types
from the Middle East.

My hot girlfriend and I
know that we can all get along...

...whether you're white, or brown,
or khaki, whatever that color is.

And here to sing
the American national anthem...

...a superstar we all love:

Mariah Carey!


And disco break!

Disco, disco, good, good!
Disco, disco, good, good!

Disco, disco, good, good!
Disco, disco, good, good!

Okay, Mariah. Couple more.

This one's from Sheik Fayalah
of Lebanon.

He wants you to write
"All I want for Ramadan is you."

Okay, this again!

- I know.
- All right.

MC, there's a Mr. Phantom
here to see you.

Who's Phantom,
a dude trying to be a rapper!

- Because I don't know who that is.
- He says he's a killing machine.

Whatever. Okay.

Miss Mariah Carey.

It is a pleasure to meet you.

Thank you. Nice to meet you.
Hi, how are you!

Miss Carey, your high notes
are so beautiful... a Scud missile
soaring towards its target.

- Thank you. That's really nice.
- Thank you.

So you know I'm not dead.

Oh, I sorry I startle.

I was not startle. I saw a bee.

There's a bee! I'm allergic.
It's not even funny.

No, no, no. Look.
The bee is gone. He's gone.

Mariah, believe me, there's no bee.

I'm allergic. You know I'm allergic.

No, no, no. The bee... Forget the bee.
The bee is made up, it's fiction.

It was a black wasp.

- promising me
that there was no bee here.

There was no bee. He says the bee... he can look more like a person
who would not scream like this.

- Are you sure!
- I promise you.

I beg your cleavage's pardon.

We will be out of your bouncy hair
in a jiffy. Is between us.

I was going to kill you tomorrow...

...but I guess jackass
can't wait to die for real.

Do y'all want us to leave!
Because we can go.

- No, no, no.
- No, no, no.

- We are not even here.
- Almost done. Give it a few seconds.

I came here to the States to
stop the fighting...

...but I guess
this will never end, eh!

Oh, Zohan does not want
to fight anymore.

Scared of bees, huh!

Now I'm afraid of the bees!
I'm afraid of the bees!

What! You're the one that
brings up the bees.

Your hair. Your hair does not
do you justice.

You don't like this hair!
I think you're alone on this one.

Everyone else
going crazy for it.

I like the 'fro better.

Hang on, I'm getting a call.

Michael, what is!

Zohan? We have a problem here.

- Where you get that!
- This is a Sony Ericsson.

- It has Bluetooth!
- Of course it has Bluetooth.

I can never figure that
Bluetooth shit out, though.

Oh, no, it's very simple.
You sync it to your PowerBook.

- Tell her. Phantom will tell you.
- Mac or PC!

- Mac.
- You have MySpace!

The record company does.
It's not really mine.

Please, add me as a friend.

Sure, yeah, yeah.

Sure, as Huge Boner.
We'll add you tomorrow.

Michael, what is!

There's a bunch of guys and they are
lighting fires and it's getting pretty bad.

No. Stay where you are.

Yeah, we'll stay up here.

- What! Where you go!
- I have bigger fish to swim.

- Mariah, I love the newest album.
- Thank you.

The Zohan.

My pita shop.

They burned it down.

Why you do this!

We no do this. We at Hacky Sack
as much as the next guy.

And I wish that we should do this,
after you write that shit on my wall.

Across street!

- Waleed, Waleed. Look, Waleed!
- No. My store.

You people ruined my store.
You people ruined my store!

What I miss!
I was stuck on West Broadway.

The Israeli burned down my store!

No, no, no.

I save store.

Then I kill the Zohan.

Phantom, kick its ass.

Jab it to the right.

Stick and move, Phantom.
Stick and move.

He can't do this alone.

Don't back down. Kick its ass.


Why you help me!

Because I'm through with this.

I no more fight.

You do whatever you want,
but I no fight back.

It's trick, huh!


- Fight back.
- No.

- Fight back!
- No.

Fight back, Zohan.

Fight him back. What are you doing!
Fight back.


This is not fun for anybody.

Why you not fight back!

Because he know better.
He show you he change.


When you gonna grow up, Fatoush!


No, no, no Fatoush.

Is Phantom now.
And is my business.

Is my man, Fatoush.

You're my woman!

You Phantom's sister!

You tapping the Zohan!

You settle for a pee-pee touch!

I wouldn't say "settle."
It was negotiation.

Fatoush is talking.

Yes. I am Phantom's sister.

And, no, Fatoush,
I am not tapping the Zohan.

But I think I love him.

This is good.

Of course you love me.
I'm very good man.

Brother, here in America
we're the same.

We just people trying to get jobs
cutting hair, driving cabs...

...selling crappy stereo equipment.

- Hey. Is Sony guts.
- Whatever.

The point is, we are thousands
of miles away from all this hate...

...and we live together just fine.

We do.

We do.

Come on, people.
Where is the hate! Anyone!

- I resent.
- Resent is good.

What! What do you resent!

People don't like us.

Come on, is not easy for us.
People don't like us too.

- Why!
- Because they think we are you.

We do look alike.
You got to admit this. Come on.

Waleed looks Mexican, to be honest.

Yeah, he do.

You know, ever since
the stupid terrorists...

...everyone think we are terrorists.

Look, Bashir, no offense...

...but if you sat next to me on a plane,
I might want to get off too.

He's right.

But how could I not hate
when you stole my goat!

I am sorry about your goat.

He was a good goat.
I treat him like member of the family.

- Really!
- Yes.

Did you rub his chin!

Like this!

Yes, sometimes for hours.
He would make face if I stop.

He make the face!

Oh, the face. The face.

That's it, that's it.
That looks just like him.

As long as he was happy.

Is good. Very happy.

Holy shichumetz.

I see what is.

Those are cool. Who make this!

You see this! Bastard landlord.

He tell us go to Hacky Sack... he can make it look like
we burn each other's store.

To make us look like we enemies.

This the real enemy.

I thought the whole place
was going down.

Oh, we're waiting on them, sir.

We're drawing them closer,
like a fat queer to a dick sandwich.

Aharon, get weapons from truck.

No, no, no.
I wanna minimize collateral damage.

- I do this alone.
- I do this alone.

- We do this together.
- I go myself.

No, no, no. Listen.
Come on, already, big guy.

Let it go.
We're on the same side, here.

Don't "big guy" me, big guy.

Look, you think I didn't want
to run like you did!

- Is no pressure here.
- What!

Listen, all I ever wanted since high
school was to go to States and...

- What!
- This hard to say.

Tell me, what is!

And sell shoes.

I love shoes.

No. That's great. I love to cut hair.

There is nothing wrong with that.

- Tell my parents.
- I hear you.

- They don't understand.
- Parents, they never do, huh!

- Never do. They think they're clever...
- You guys going, or what!

- Yes. Okay, we go.
- Yes. We go.

Come on, let's go.

Soup's on, boys.

Hell, yeah!

What kind of shoes you like!

You know, Rockport, Ferragamo,
the classics.

You should maybe try
Hugo Boss, huh!

No, no, no.
They always cover the toes.

You stylist,
you buy some style shoes.

Oh, yes, but I'm looking
for function too.

Try mine. It's Kenneth Cole.

Square toe.

It is nice.

This is a fashion
but you can wear to work also.

Yes. Hey, to be honest,
it's a little tight.

- Let me measure.
- If you could.

I'm ready for you.

Okay, checking the width.

Triple E.

This is a big foot, huh!

You win again.

Is not a competition.

I do need to cut my nails.

We don't know
what set off this fight.

It's apparently between
Middle-Eastern merchants.

- Let's get some insight.
- They is no Middle East. Is all fake.

Is the landlord, the Walbridge guy.
He pay...

Excuse me.
Grant Walbridge, the developer?

Damn it!

Mariah Carey, I love you. I love you.

I find you, Mariah.
I come to where you are.

I love you too, horny little man.
Buy my new album.

Zohan. He has a bomb.

- And puppies.
- No.

I'm gonna blow up this block.

I'm gonna blow you up,
I'm gonna blow up these puppies...

...and we all going to hell together,
because I hate these puppies.

We have no time. We have to make
the sonic power, quick.

- You mean the sound!
- Yes.

But Arab and Jews have not made
sound for thousands of years.

- Now is time, my friend.
- Thirty seconds.

You can't do nothing about it,
Rabbi Towelhead.

No, no, no. Let me take the melody,
you go harmony.

- Yes. Okay, okay.
- Here we go.

Well, hello, stranger.

Care for some chips!


That dog is incredibly cute.
Did you bring that dog!

Barry Manilow
used to have a beagle...

Listen, I'm Grant Walbridge.
This is all a mistake and...

Keep it together. Keep it together.


My life is ruined.

They were perfect.

The ratio.


No, no, no. Stop.

What the heck are you doing!
Why you do this!

Sorry. Sorry. I got excited.

Okay, we fix.
We make mall, but this...

It's fine. Yes, it's fine.
We'll be fine.

It's all b'seder.

Goat rides! Everybody, goat ride.

The most wonderful goat
in the world.

You come. Come, come. Come on.
Come on, now. Give ride.

I'm almost done.

- I love it.
- Yes, of course you do.

I had fun shampooing your hair...

...but I'd rather be licking it off
those melons.

I knew he had it in him.

Yeah, he sounds like his mother.

Maybe I'll bleach your nipples
and slap you in your face.

- Oh, now he's gone too far.
- That was disturbing. Too much.

Can you help this woman, please.

Of course, motek.
You know, if I was not married to you...

...this is the kind of bootachem
I would go all night long w...

Hello, Zohan.

So this is where you work!

Yes, Abba.

And this is your Palestinian wife!

Yes, Abba.

Does she know you're a fagala?

I see. This is because...


Now, cut my hair.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I love it.

Special thanks to SergeiK.