Extreme Movie Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Extreme Movie script is here for all you fans of the Michael Cera and Ryan Pinkston movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Extreme Movie quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Extreme Movie Script

  
  
 Oh, darlin' 

  
 I love you in the mornin' 

  
 I love you
in the afternoon 

  
Chuck, you know I love you.

  
Of course, Betty.
I love you too.

  
And I know I've made you wait
a long time.

  
Yeah. A long time.

  
Well, tonight, that all ends.

  
What do you mean?

  
Chuck

  
tonight is the night
I'm going to give myself to you.

  
I'm ready to take things
to the next level.

  
Are you sure?
We're gonna do it?

  
All right.

  
 Whoa, darlin' 

  
 Whatever I have to do 

  
 Oh, pretty baby 

  
 How I'm in love with you 

  
That was awesome.

  
Yeah.

  
But

  
now that my virginity is behind us,

  
I think I'm ready to take things
to the next level.

  
What do you mean?
I thought we just did.

  
Come on, Chuck,
don't be coy.

  
You know what I mean.

  
Anal.

  
Seriously?

  
Yeah I love you, Chuck,
and I know you love me.

  
And that's why I want you
to stick it in my ass.

  
 Giddy up, horsey 

  
 Come on, let go 

  
Yeah.

  
 Who's riding your pony? 

  
 Horny pony 

  
Oh, yeah.

  
 They've seldom seen
of your contemptuous greed 

  
Wow.

  
I know.

  
That fucking ruled!

  
But...

  
But what?

  
Well...

  
it's just now that
the ass sex is in the bag.

  
I think we're ready to
take things to the next level.

  
What other level is there?

  
Get an extension cord.

  
Next level!

  
Who are they?!

  
Next level!

  
Ohh!

  
Next level!

  
Next level!

  
No more levels!

  
I'll be right back.

  
Maybe I rushed things.

  
 Sex me up
and I'll sex you down 

  
 Whatever you want
is my command 

  
 I'm into S and M,
I lead the butcher farm 

  
 And now don't you understand,
I'm into any ma'am 

  
 Sex me up
and I'll sex you down 

  
 I get on the floor,
I'll turn around 

  
 Get on my hands and knees,
on your command I'll freeze 

  
 I hope this never cease,
come get me, won't you please 

  
 But she won't hold me
and she won't squeeze me 

  
 From what she told me,
she'd never please me 

  
 But she won't hold me
and she won't squeeze me 

  
 From what she told me,
she'd only tease me 

  
 She said 

  
 I said 

  
 Sex me up
and I'll sex you down 

  
 Sex me up and
I'll sex you down 

  
 Sex me up
and I'll sex you down 

  
Remember, students,
it's Sexual Awareness Month.

  
Gentlemen, pick up your free condoms
in the gym,

  
- and ladies, lubricant is available...
- I got laid last night.

  
- Same chick as the night before?
- Are you crazy?

  
I can't have the same chick
comin' around two nights in a row.

  
That's bordering on a relationship.
I like to play the field.

  
See, this is exactly what I don't
understand. How does he do it?

  
He just goes out
and gets it done, man,

  
that's how he does it.

  
You can't sit around and wait
for Santa to bring you some ass

  
under the tree.

  
Dude, how psyched are you
for first period?

  
- Mr. Matthews' sex-ed class.
- Man, that dude's a total freak.

  
I can't wait to go in there and talk about
all the ass we've slammed.

  
It's gonna be awesome, bro.

  
No doubt, bro.

  
I can't take this class.

  
Why not?

  
Why not? Did you not
just hear that conversation?

  
- "How much ass we've slammed"?
- Yeah, bro.

  
Exactly. The class is just gonna
be with a bunch of pervs

  
who are open about their sex lives,
and frankly, I don't have one.

  
That's sad You're not bad-lookin'
And your legs work.

  
I'm not gonna have sex
with just anybody,

  
I know that's what
you are thinking right now.

  
Sorry, not gonna happen.

  
Doesn't have to be just anybody.
Look. Look, look.

  
How about you start off with
a nice little virgin like Betty?

  
Hey, Betty.

  
Okay, everyone,
bring it on in,

  
we got a lot to do,
and little time to cover it.

  
I can feel the sexuality brewin'
in here already.

  
- Oh, no Stacy's in this class?
- What do you mean, "Oh, no"?

  
You've been trying to tap that
since fifth grade.

  
This is an opportunity
You're in a class with her.

  
Go talk to her!

  
- What would I say?
- Listen, all a girl wants

  
is for you to be yourself.
So do that... be yourself.

  
Or just shake your dick at her.
You know, whatever feels right.

  
- Hello.
- Hello.

  
Hey, Stacy.

  
Looks like we're gonna be
having sex together.

  
What?!

  
Ed S... class.
Sex-ed class together.

  
I'm sorry, I just... y'know.
Whoo!

  
Bye.

  
Yeah... talk to ya later.

  
My name is Mr. Matthews.

  
First off,
there's no teachers in here...

  
just a bunch of people
exploring their sexuality.

  
Right? So once you
enter through that door,

  
you're comin' through
a No Bullshit zone.

  
That's right... I said "bullshit".

  
Huh? We're keepin' it real
in here, people.

  
Fart, fuck, shit, cock, ass, cunty cunt!

  
All rightie.

  
Now, listen up. Teen sexuality
is a living, breathing thing,

  
and we're gonna explore that concept
from every different angle

  
we can get our greasy little hands on.

  
And you're gonna share.
I'm gonna share right now.

  
Hell, I've had sex with koi fish.

  
There, I've said it.

  
Sometimes you find me naked
down at the bottom of a fun-ball pool

  
at your local fast food restaurant.

  
True story.

  
Okay, let's do a little
role-playing exercise in here.

  
I want each and every one of you

  
to decide that you're gonna
have sex with someone

  
for the very first time.

  
Okay, partner up, people!

  
Stacy needs a partner.
Seize the day, bro.

  
Hell, screw the day.
Seize the booty.

  
That's a good union there.
I like that I saw that when I came in.

  
- Mr. Matthews?
- Yes.

  
I don't think there's any girls left.

  
Mike, human sexuality isn't always
between man and woman.

  
Stand up, Doug.

  
Class, I'd like to introduce you
to our first gay couple...

  
Mike and Doug.

  
Now, just because they'll be
experimenting with

  
man-on-man lovemaking
and assorted homobuggery,

  
don't treat 'em any differently.

  
Mike, I think
you're gonna be on bottom.

  
Okay.

  
I'll be the stay-at-home-dad.

  
What?

  
Mark.

  
So, Matt, what advice do you
have for young people about sex?

  
Advice... Uh

  
guys, be responsible.

  
You know, always wear a rubber.

  
Of course, it feels way better
to do it without one.

  
Unless, of course,
it's a Vietnamese hooker,

  
and then I think you just
take your chances.

  
As long as there's a naked chick
somewhere in the room,

  
you are not gay.

  
If you have an STD,
do not tell your partner.

  
It is a lose-lose situation.

  
Fellas, be nice to your partner.

  
In the morning,
if she needs a ride home,

  
point her to the nearest bus stop
before you go back to sleep.

  
Be a good guy.

  
Today one out of three
young adults

  
has a sexually transmitted disease.

  
And letting a former hook-up know
that you've got genital cooties

  
can be pretty hard.

  
Now there's an easier way!

  
At STD-E-CARDS, you can
share the bad news with one click.

  
Pick from such messages as,

  
"You gave me your heart,
I gave you gonorrhea,"

  
or "Thanks for the blowjob...
sorry about the herpes."

  
It's from Kevin!

  
That hot guy
that you hooked up with this weekend?

  
- Yeah.
- What's it say?

  
"Roses are red,
violets are blue,

  
I gave you syphilis
when we screwed at the zoo".

  
That was easy.

  
STD-E-CARDS,
where bad news travels fast!

  
Attention, students,
prom is fast approaching.

  
Get your free STD screening
in the nurse's office.

  
- Hi, Carla.
- Oh, hey.

  
Hey, listen, um,

  
I know it's kind of last minute,
but, um,

  
I wanted to know if you'd maybe
want to go to the prom with me tonight.

  
Oh, I'm sorry, Justin,
someone already asked me.

  
Three weeks ago.

  
Oh... oh, okay.
That's... that's all right.

  
Well, have fun, though.

  
Oh, check out your cock!

  
Oh! Oh, honey!

  
I've been using these
since the Eisenhower Administration.

  
Can I help you?

  
Huh?

  
Uh... uh, no.

  
Oh, honey...

  
She's a real beauty, isn't she?

  
This just isn't right.

  
I wish we'd met years ago.

  
My whole high school experience
would have been different.

  
 Every day, the one thing
I can count on 

  
 So much love 

  
 It's like a river
with no end 

  
 So much love 

  
 The minute it seems to stop,
it starts again 

  
 So much love 

  
 You've given me so much love 

  
 Don't you know
you've made my dream come true 

  
I've always wanted
to see the Grand Canyon, too!

  
 They brought me you,
you brought me love 

  
 Dreams come true
every day with you 

  
 So much love 

  
Justin, I haven't seen you
around much lately.

  
I've been busy.

  
Well, prom wasn't the same
without you.

  
- Really?
- Yeah.

  
I was wondering if we could
go out sometime.

  
- Me and you?
- Dinner?

  
Maybe Saturday night?

  
And just when I thought
the night could not get any worse,

  
he pukes all over my dress.

  
It was horrible.

  
I'm sure you still
looked beautiful, though.

  
Thanks, but I didn't.

  
I had vomit all over me.

  
You're so amazing.
You really are.

  
What? No, that's ridiculous.

  
I'm going to play poker
with some of the guys.

  
Don't worry,
I'll be back by 10:00. All right?

  
Hello?

  
Anyone there?

  
Look, don't be a pussy,
just tell me who it is.

  
Stop calling me!

  
Another prank call.

  
I know what you're up to,
and it's gotta stop.

  
Leave Carla alone!

  
It's over between me and you.

  
Get used to it!

  
Where were you this morning?

  
I thought you were gonna
watch me practice.

  
Oh. Sorry, I forgot.

  
Well, you comin' to my game
on Friday night?

  
Actually, I'm going to Len's party
with Stacy.

  
You know what? There's someone else
who actually cares about me.

  
Good-bye, Carla.

  
Justin, where are you going?

  
What?

  
No!

  
Why?! Why did you do this?!

  
Someone call 911!

  
So what's the kinkiest thing
you've ever done in bed?

  
The two of us licked whipped cream
off of each other once.

  
- That was fun. Yeah.
- That was pretty kinky.

  
What about you?

  
I don't know.

  
- Uh.
- Come on, don't act all shy.

  
- What if my parents are watching?
- Come on.

  
Does it have to be the kinkiest thing.
That we've done together?

  
No, it could have been
on your own.

  
Well...

  
this one time I had sex
with this black guy

  
while his best friend
did me in the ass,

  
and then I sucked both their dicks
at the same time.

  
That was kinda kinky.

  
- What? Baby?
That's great.

  
MR. MATTHEWS.
Bring it on in!

  
We got a lot to do
and a little time to do it!

  
Wanna make sure we can
cram it all in.

  
That's what she said. Ha ha ha!
You guys know what I'm talkin' about.

  
You've gotta sit next to Stacy
and be her partner.

  
Yeah, man, don't be scared.
Go ahead.

  
All right,
we're all gettin' in a circle.

  
This is great.

  
Okay...

  
let's talk about penises.

  
That's right, everyone.

  
I said the big P-word.

  
Now, the most common question:
What's normal?

  
Simple answer: There's no such thing.

  
Penises come in a variety
of different shapes and sizes.

  
Huh? All rightie!

  
As you can tell from the molds
cast from actual penises we have here.

  
Got 'em all different
from all over the globe.

  
Now, the next
we like to call the Fireplug.

  
It's short and stocky,
but boy, when you get it excited,

  
kablooey!

  
Like a sawed-off shotgun, I tell ya.
All right, what do we have next?

  
This one's called the Tadpole.
Why is it called the Tadpole?

  
Because it's got a larger head
tapering down into a smaller shaft.

  
We like to call this guy
the Mushroom Cloud, if you will.

  
Yeah I thought
you'd like that one.

  
Now, this is an interesting one.

  
Looks small, but if you
know how to use it,

  
I tell ya, it's quite a powerful weapon.

  
It's called the Torpedo.
You know what I mean?

  
Or the Meat Cone.

  
'Cause it's got a tiny head
tapering into a large shaft.

  
Nice.

  
Hand that guy around,
that's a good one.

  
We like to call that one
the Roto-Rooter.

  
Next we have what's called
the Superhuge.

  
- That's right.
- Oh, damn!

  
We also like to call this
the Great American Challenge.

  
Ladies, you're gonna love
the cervix stimulation on that guy.

  
Okay, this next one's interesting,
all right? I found this one online.

  
It's the Doubleheader,
ladies and gentlemen.

  
It is out there, believe me.
Hand that around.

  
Okay, everyone, pass 'em around.

  
Look 'em up and down.

  
Now freeze!

  
Okay Gentlemen,
the penises in your hands,

  
that is your penis.

  
Ladies, put your penises down

  
and partner up with
the person closest to you.

  
Looks like we got a small one, huh?

  
Yeah.

  
Okay, now I'm gonna hand out
some condoms for each group

  
Here ya go,
everyone get a condom.

  
Now, ladies and gentlemen,

  
I'm gonna have you put the condom
on the man's penis, together.

  
Okay, the reason I'm having you
put these condoms on together

  
is because contraception
is both partners' responsibility.

  
Have to say that. Sorry

  
Mike, it looks like you got
a little room there.

  
That's because, Mike,
you have a very small penis.

  
Okay, everyone,
let's talk about fetishes.

  
Now, a fetish is basically
an obsession with leather...

  
black leather... and bits,
mouth bits.

  
Who likes a ball in their mouth?
Anyone?

  
Oh, baby, you look so good.

  
- You wanna do it now, baby?
- Hell, yeah, I do.

  
Okay.

  
No, wait.
You know what would be even hotter?

  
What?

  
This.

  
You want me to wear a hat?

  
Oh, yeah, baby,
that shit is so hot.

  
- Okay.
- Yeah. Yeah.

  
Wait. Uh, you know what else
would be so smokin' hot?

  
What?

  
This big mole.

  
What?! Ew!

  
It's hot. Trust me.

  
For me?

  
Fine.

  
- Now can we do it?
- Yeah.

  
Ronny... what the hell?!

  
- What?
- I didn't want to say this,

  
but you clearly want to
have sex with Abraham Lincoln!

  
That's crazy!

  
Is it?
Look around you, Ronny.

  
- You're obsessed with him.
- He was a great man.

  
What's wrong with paying tribute?

  
Paying tribute is one thing...

  
trying to turn your girlfriend into him
so you can get a hard-on is another.

  
I'm outta here.
Call me when you get some therapy.

  
Sue...

  
That was my last beard.

  
TV Announcer:
Can the transporter be fixed?

  
Or is all hopeless for our heroines?

  
Will Alice and Betty make it home?

  
Find out next on Babes Lost in Time!

  
Time.

  
Forward into the past!

  
Here I come, Abe!

  
Ladies, you do not...

  
I repeat, you do not have to
have sex with a guy for him to like you.

  
But it helps.

  
Want to remain a virgin
until you're married?

  
Two words: Butt sex.

  
Look, if you like to be choked,
it's okay. Everyone likes it... a little.

  
Just don't go too far.

  
Blue is a warning sign.

  
So, what's the kinkiest thing
either one you has ever done in bed?

  
- Well, um, check it:
- Whoo!

  
I'm at the club one night,
and I meet this little white chick, right?

  
So next you know
I get in her ear, man,

  
and she lets me take her back
to my spot,

  
and she did me and him
at the same time.

  
- And then she blew us.
You're kidding.

  
Whoo, man!
That girl was off the chain, man!

  
Hey, you know, uh, shit,
what can I say?

  
That little woman had a big ol'
twelve-pound pussy, man!

  
- Where'd she get that?
- There was a lot of acrobatics

  
in that motherfucker,
you know what I'm sayin'?

  
She was small, but she did
a lot of big things, baby.

  
- Hey, Kim, holler at your boy!
- Whoo!

  
The women spend most
of their time stretching their breasts,

  
- adding a new ring each year.
- Yeah. Ooh.

  
They probably like it
when they stretch 'em.

  
Yeah.

  
I know they do.

  
Holy crap!

  
It's Saturday night and you guys
are getting stiffies watching PBS?

  
- You're pathetic.
- Get out of my room, RJ!

  
You never knock!

  
Stupid.

  
He's right, you know.

  
- I mean, this is pathetic.
- What else are we gonna do?

  
It's not like we can actually get laid.
Let's just watch this.

  
Unless we come up with a way

  
to build an artificial woman
from your computer.

  
And then program her
to have sex with us.

  
You're a genius!

  
This is stupid, Barry.

  
Shut up.

  
Are you sure you know
what you're doing?

  
Relax! We're gonna give her
Halle Berry's face,

  
- and Beyonce's ass.
- All right.

  
- Tyra's boobs.
- Bam!

  
Tyra's probably got bigger
nipples than that.

  
Now all that's left to do is
make sure she's horny.

  
Like really, really horny, though.

  
See this pair of panties, right?

  
Where'd you get those from?
They're lacy.

  
All right. Are you ready
to lose your virginity?

  
- I'm ready.
- Say good-bye.

  
Ow! I told you.
That was stupid, Barry.

  
Be quiet, Leon I'm thinking.

  
Oh, shit!

  
So, who gonna fuck me first?!

  
Him! Him!

  
What the hell just happened?!

  
The panties, they was my aunt's.
I knew it. It was my aunt's panties.

  
What you waitin' for? My pussy
ain't gonna eat itself out.

  
What? What you say?

  
Who would say that?

  
Where you goin'?
Where you goin'?

  
Leon!

  
Leon!

  
Well.

  
I guess that means you first.

  
No. It don't... it don't have to mean that.

  
Come give mama
a taste of that sweet chocolate.

  
What you talkin' about?
Chocolate ain't sweet!

  
I'm your human sex toy,
and I don't come with no Off button!

  
You don't even have to wear
no jimmy hat!

  
Save your energy!
I plan on cumming a lot tonight!

  
Come out, come out,
wherever you are!

  
You're too big for me!

  
Your ball sack is about to get drained!

  
Let me go! Please, Jesus!

  
You were good.

  
I don't want no more.
I don't... I don't want no more.

  
No! I don't want it!

  
You broke my bed.

  
She's so big. Why is she so big?

  
I musta... I probably hit Finstead of Enter. I don't know.

  
Here I come!

  
And this time your ass cherry
is mine!

  
No, it's not! No, it's not!

  
It's my ass cherry! It's not yours!

  
Barry? Leon?

  
"Press Enter now"?

  
 Yeah 

  
 You're lookin' good, baby 

  
Whoa!

  
You're cute How old are you?

  
Old enough.

  
 Ooh-whoo!
Yeah, yeah 

  
 Here we go 

  
I know you're probably too young
to be thinking about marriage,

  
but take it from me,

  
if you find somebody that you want
to spend the rest of your life with,

  
there's nothing better.

  
Thanks, sweetie.

  
But before you get married,

  
make sure you explore
all your options, guys,

  
and bone as many chicks
as you can.

  
Well, ladies, be sure you take
the long way through Dicktown, too.

  
I banged at least fifty guys

  
before I met this asshole
sitting next to me here.

  
And a group of girls, too.

  
It was no accident that I invited
the electrician and the plumber

  
on the same day.

  
- Ohh.
- Whoo-whoo! Real hot!

  
Guys, listen up.

  
If you're planning on having
a threesome,

  
you better to do it
before you get married.

  
But trust me,
there's no better sensation

  
than two women making out
while riding your johnson.

  
I almost forgot.

  
Book yourself a ticket to...

  
Try sleeping with
your fiancÚ's best man

  
and his brother

  
at the wedding reception.

  
Very hot.

  
Great.

  
Ohh.

  
Ohh.

  
Ooh, that's nice.

  
Oh, why didn't I think of this before?

  
Oh, shit.

  
Ohh! Ohh!

  
Damn it, damn it, damn it!

  
Honey, dinner's ready

  
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

  
Oh, this is bad.

  
Can you pass the mashed potatoes,
please?

  
- Certainly.
- Thank you.

  
Mm... Everything
is delicious, dear.

  
Did you pick up
your condoms for the prom?

  
Yeah, they gave them out
for free at school today.

  
They did?
Yeah. Thanks, though.

  
Honey, is your vagina ringing?

  
Dad! That's ridiculous.

  
Sounded like it.

  
Okay, I think we've learned a lot here.
Class dismissed.

  
I'll see ya all tomorrow.

  
Now, remember your permission slips
for the field trip.

  
Now, these permission slips
are no joke, people, okay?

  
Now if you can't find your parents,

  
they're in their bedroom, doing it

  
- He'd probably use the toys.
- Totally.

  
Hey, Stace. Jess.

  
- Hey.
- Hi.

  
Uh, so listen, Stace, um...

  
Mike,
can I talk to you for a second?

  
- Later?
- Yes.

  
- Awesome.
- Okay.

  
So, Mike,

  
how are things going
with you and Stacy?

  
Oh, uh, great.

  
You know, we're really good friends.
We...

  
Hey, hey!
Don't bullshit a bullshitter, bro.

  
I know you're into Stacy.
You wanna rap about it?

  
Yeah, I mean, I don't know.
I like Stacy.

  
- Hmm... Hmm...
- A lot.

  
What do I do?
How do I tell her how I feel?

  
That's a good question.

  
You don't.

  
I don't?

  
No, you don't.

  
You see, Mike, a girl like Stacy
is, ooh, way out of your league.

  
Way.

  
What? What do you mean?

  
I thought you were
all about breaking the rules

  
and there are no rules
and we're all equal.

  
I am. Just not when it comes
to you and Stacy.

  
You see, Mike, a girl like Stacy,
to get her,

  
boy, you'd need like a truckload
of cough syrup

  
and a vat of malt liquor.

  
Really mellow her out,
you know what I mean?

  
But not knock her out.
That's a whole different class altogether.

  
- What?
- Mike

  
you need to go after
something more attainable.

  
You need to find somebody
who's a lot less

  
pretty-er.

  
You might have to go up
a few weight classes...

  
a little more than
you're comfortable with, probably...

  
buck-fifty, two bills... I'm not sure.

  
Somebody who hasn't seen
the light of day in quite a long time.

  
Acne scars, fangs for teeth,
bad hygiene,

  
- retarded, if you will.
- What?!

  
Hey, sometimes keepin' it real hurts,
little bro.

  
But in the end,
we're all stronger people.

  
Now go out there
and get an ugly chick.

  
Or a whore.
Good luck.

  
Good talk.

  
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Come on, guys.

  
Flaccitra.

  
Mmm, this is nice, baby.

  
Lindsey, relax. Everybody farts.

  
This is huge.

  
We've crossed the Fart Barrier

  
Really?

  
Ahh.

  
See? It's nothin'!

  
I do feel comfortable with you.

  
Damn!

  
Now, that's just nasty.

  
Oh, my God! Oh, yes!

  
Hey, man, she was riding you
like a pogo stick! Up and down!

  
Hold on, hold on.
It gets better.

  
- Wait for it.
- I'm gonna cum!

  
Now.

  
Oh, my God!

  
Whoo.

  
Let me introduce you
to The Screamer.

  
Griffin, this chick is amazing.

  
Which is why I invited her
over here today.

  
Yes, sir.

  
And we're gonna be right here
to make sure you go through with it.

  
Got your little sister's baby monitor
hooked up in your room.

  
And we're gonna have the other end
right here so we can listen in.

  
No. Not happening, guys.

  
- Not happening?
- No.

  
- Yes. Yes.
- No. No.

  
Well, that's what you think.

  
- Oh. Too late.
- Oh, I love it!

  
Go ahead.

  
- Hi, I'm... I'm Mike.
- Where's your room?

  
 Oh, my God 

  
 Oh, shit 

  
 Oh, my God 

  
 I can't believe this 

  
Come here.

  
 Oh, shit 

  
Whoa, you're taking your shirt off
immediately like that,

  
it's kinda tough for me to say no.

  
You hear that, man?
The shirt just came off!

  
- It's on!
- Oh, it is on, all right.

  
Put it in me.

  
Why... why don't I just grab
some ear plugs real quick?

  
 Oh, my God,
what should I do? 

  
Oh, hell no, man, is it broke?

  
What are you waiting for?

  
I'm sorry. I...

  
I can't do this.

  
What?

  
There's this girl in my high school,
and I... I really like her.

  
Great. I didn't have a back-up plan.

  
Now I've gotta go fuck a trucker
or a cab driver or

  
a homeless guy.

  
Do you possibly think that maybe
you could go through the back door?

  
Just so you know
you're givin' up a sure thing.

  
Your friend said that
you were desperate for it.

  
Last chance.

  
Man, all the settin' up we did,
he better not be pussin' out.

  
He's definitely pussing out.

  
Let's go see what's going on
with the dumb-ass.

  
You like that, don't you?

  
Ha ha! We back in action!
Oh, Mike!

  
Yeah, Mike!
Whoo-hoo!

  
Man, you hear that?

  
Yeah!

  
Ride it! Ride it!

  
My boy's goin' strong to the hole,
I'm tellin' ya!

  
- She's going nuts!
- She wasn't that crazy with me.

  
Ahem...

  
Hi. Have you guys
seen my purse?

  
Oh, Mike! You're so big!

  
Ahh! Ahh! Oh, Mike,
I've never been fucked so good!

  
Cover your ears! I'm about to cum!

  
I'm cumming! I'm cumming!

  
Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! Aaah!

  
Oh! Oh! You're such a beast!

  
I'm your big daddy.

  
Mike, I'm... cover your ears!

  
Shh! Shh! Oh! Oh!

  
All right, home stretch.

  
Oh, like that! Oh, like that!
Oh, like that!

  
Oh, my God, oh, my God.

  
I'm in love, Mike.
I love you.

  
I love you, Mike.

  
 Let them know you worked it,
dust it off and jerk it 

  
So was it as good for you guys
as it was for me?

  
You know, I would tell you
to go fuck yourself,

  
but it sounds like you just did.

  
Now, Suzy,
I don't know how to tell you this,

  
so I'm just gonna come right out and say it.

  
Say it.

  
I've been
sleeping with your mom.

  
- Hank, come on.
- What?

  
You know I made
an abstinence pledge.

  
I promised myself I'd wait
until I was sure

  
it was with the right guy.

  
I thought I was the right guy.

  
You might be.

  
I'm just not sure yet.

  
But I like you a lot.

  
Hi, sexually frustrated teenager!

  
I'm Blue Bally!

  
And if you and your girlfriend
don't have sex soon,

  
you're gonna wind up with
a serious case of blueballs!

  
That's right!
Your nuts are gonna turn blue.

  
Aw, don't be afraid.
I'm here to help.

  
You've been stiff as a board
for the last two hours.

  
That means you're reaching
a critical moment

  
where that good tingly feeling
down there

  
can quickly turn into
an achy not-so-good feeling!

  
Wh... what do you mean?

  
See, Hank, right now
your testicles are filled with semen,

  
and only a little bit's dripping out.

  
That's called pre-cum.

  
What you want to do is ejaculate.

  
Otherwise, that back up of jizz
will cause pressure in your nut sack

  
to the point of making you nauseous.

  
In fact, your genitals can increase
in size 25 to 50%. That's huge!

  
- So, what do I do?
- From where I'm sittin',

  
even if your girlfriend
won't have intercourse with you,

  
the least you should be able to do
is to score a handjob.

  
Judy?

  
I... I want you to know that
I really do care about you.

  
And I've known that since the first time
I saw you in Bible Study class.

  
Uh-huh.

  
uh-huh.

  
uh-huh.

  
- Uh-oh. That's not good.
- What do you mean?

  
With that kind of arousal,
it's only a matter of seconds

  
before full-on irreversible
blue balls!

  
You better go to the bathroom
and jerk off, right now.

  
- Here?
- Yes! Go!

  
There's no time to waste!

  
Go! Get going!
It's a medical emergency!

  
Oh, yeah, you won't
see this on children's television!

  
Blue Bally!

  
Hope you like sloppy seconds!
Hah!

  
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

  
Man, I'm never gonna get laid.
I'm such a loser.

  
No, you're not.
I met a girl in a chat room.

  
- Did you?
- Yeah.

  
I met her in Teenlonelyboys.

  
'Cause I figure I'm a teen
and I'm lonely.

  
Anyways, it's crazy,

  
there's not a lot of girls
in that chat room.

  
It's mostly older guys
interested in photography.

  
That's kind of creepy.

  
It is at first, but, you know,

  
once I made it clear
that I was a teen boy

  
in the market for a teen girl,

  
ladies were just
coming out of the woodwork.

  
And now I have a girlfriend.
Her name is Randy.

  
Isn't that a guy's name?

  
It's both. I...

  
I mean, she says
she gets that all the time.

  
- She send you a picture?
- No. Uh... but I sent her tons of mine.

  
Most of them are naked.
It's awesome.

  
Well, maybe I'll give it a try.

  
And maybe if you're lucky someday,
you'll have a Randy, just like me.

  
"SweeetyPi"

  
Accept.

  
Hi.

  
Hi.

  
Sex chat?

  
Sure.

  
Okay. I'm dressed in a tight mini-dress
walking down a dark alley.

  
I'm completely alone and vulnerable.

  
Then you appear out of the shadows.

  
You wear all black,
with a ski mask over your head.

  
You approach me menacingly
and say...?

  
Hey, what's up.

  
Was that wrong?

  
Menacing.

  
Okay.

  
What are you doing in my alley?

  
Oh, no. You stay away from me.

  
I'm lost, alone, and half-naked.

  
But I have Mace.
Don't try and take advantage of me.

  
Okay, sorry, no problem.
Do you need cab money?

  
Be aggressive. I want it.

  
Oh. Weird.

  
I'm afraid I don't care about Mace.
Prepare to be attacked.

  
Sexually.

  
That was amazing.
We should meet.

  
Come to 429 Covington Avenue,
Apartment 8,

  
tomorrow night at 10:00.

  
Wear a mask.
Take me against my will.

  
Don't break character.

  
- Oh, hello, dear.
- Oh, hey, Jane.

  
Doing anything special tonight?

  
Nope, just baking cookies
for my niece.

  
Oh.

  
Just a second!

  
Did somebody order the rape?

  
Aaaah!

  
Whoo! Oooh!

  
So far so good.

  
Uh, you can run but you can't hide

  
from forced sexual intercourse,

  
you know what I mean ma'am?

  
Get out!

  
God, be careful!
You're gonna hurt me!

  
I mean, you won't be so feisty
when I'm violating you.

  
Sexually.

  
I'm bleeding!

  
That won't stop me!

  
No, you don't.

  
Oh.

  
I'm sorry, I'll pay for this.

  
You stay back I'm warning you!

  
Uh, I'm scared, yeah, yeah.
I'm scared and...

  
Oh, my God!

  
What is it?! What is it?!

  
Oh, God!
Oh, it's burning!

  
Aaaah!

  
Did somebody order the rape?

  
Fred.

  
Oh. Hey, Betty.

  
- Hey.
- How's it goin'?

  
What's wrong?

  
Oh, it's just been kind of
a crazy week.

  
It's a long story, though.

  
You know, Fred,
I've been thinking

  
we've been friends
for a really long time.

  
Yeah. Yeah, we have.

  
Maybe it's time we take things
to the next level.

  
Next level?

  
Wow.

  
Next level!

  
Hey, baby, this is for you.

  
I love you.
You're the only one for me.

  
I hope you enjoy.

  
Kat, can I borrow
a squirt of your herpes cream?

  
Uh, yeah, sure.
I'll bring it over in a minute.

  
Ohh! Ow!

  
I'm not in. Leave a message.

  
Hey, girl, it's Billy Sharpe
from the basketball team.

  
Thanks for rockin' my world.
Talk about takin' it to the hole... damn!

  
Sorry about that.

  
Oh, shoot! Aaaah!

  
Nice titties!

  
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

  
 Put the south in your mouth,
pretty baby 

  
 Put the south in your mouth,
pretty baby 

  
 Let me slop my biscuit
in your gravy 

  
I'm gonna do it.

  
I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it,
I'm gonna do it.

  
I'm there. I'm there.
I'm there. I'm there.

  
 Put the south in your mouth,
pretty baby 

  
I wanna kiss your mouth.

  
Mm, tastes like blueberry.

  
So good...

  
Oh, God.

  
Mmm.

  
Hi.

  
Hi.

  
You look like
you just saw a ghost.

  
Um.

  
I had a... a really bad dream.

  
Oh, sweetie.

  
It's okay.

  
Come here.

  
I had an amazing time last night.

  
Oh. I'm sorry.

  
Do you have a toilet?

  
Oh. Yeah, it's right over there.

  
Ohh.

  
Mmm, long night.

  
- Hello.
- Aaah!

  
Who the hell are you?

  
Why don't you ask your dick?

  
What is going on here?

  
- Relax, Len.
- How do you know my name?

  
Uh, I usually like to know
the name of the guy

  
who's fucking my mouth.

  
Nobody fucked anybody's mouth
last night!

  
Fine. Nobody fucked
my mouth last night.

  
And I guess

  
nobody was three knuckles deep
in my sphincter, either.

  
Jesus Christ, what were you doing,

  
reaching for, like, a winning
lottery ticket or something?

  
I could feel you in
my small intestines.

  
Oh, look what the cat
dragged in.

  
- Do you have any matches?
- Such diarrhea. Ugh.

  
I'll air that out. All right?

  
What I need right now
is for you to leave my house.

  
My parents are coming home
this afternoon

  
and I need to start cleaning up.

  
Sorry. Dick hair.

  
Those weren't your parents
we met last night?

  
My parents are in Cancun.

  
Yeah. Yeah. Right.

  
If you say your parents aren't here,

  
then we'll just believe that
your parents weren't here.

  
Maybe it was your aunt and uncle.

  
I don't care I came here to fuck

  
and get fucked.

  
And you know, I got fucked
last night. Fucked good.

  
Okay. Very funny.

  
The, uh, the joke's over.

  
This has been a delightful little prank
that you guys have played on me,

  
but now it's time for you
to respect my wishes

  
and please get the hell
out of my house!

  
Yeah.

  
You're right.
The whole thing was a prank.

  
After we invited you
for a threesome,

  
I got blueberry yogurt and I smeared it
all over my face and your balls

  
to make it look like
you fucked my mouth.

  
And then I dig my fingers
in my asshole

  
and put some of my butt stink
on your hands.

  
And then I put some moisturizer
up on the ceiling

  
to make it look like
you shoot a load up there.

  
Pooh! Yeah! All a joke.

  
Please just get the hell out.

  
- Fine.
- Whatever.

  
Please, just... just leave.

  
Ooh. So kind.

  
If you say
your parents aren't here,

  
then we'll just believe
that your parents aren't here.

  
Maybe it was your aunt and uncle.
Mm-hmm.

  
Oh thank God.

  
Oh, please, God,
don't let them be home.

  
I swear I'll never drink again
just... just don't let them be here.

  
Hello.

  
So, you guys are home early.

  
Did you just get in?

  
How was your second honeymoon?

  
Oh! No!

  
Get the hell out of our sight.

  
Okay.

  
How could you?!

  
How could you?!
How could you?!

  
Ohh!

  
Len, can we talk?

  
Um, just a minute.

  
What, you been doing a little
spackling work on the ceiling?

  
Oh, God, Dad, no. This... it's not...

  
Your mother and I are
disgusted with you, Len.

  
Well, uh...

  
Look at her.

  
- You don't understand.
- Son,

  
I have one question for you,
and I'm only gonna ask it once.

  
Have you been sneaking
behind our backs

  
and being on a hidden camera show?

  
- What?
- Look over there.

  
No. No, no, no, no, no!
You didn't!

  
They were in there
the whole time?

  
Gotcha!

  
No!

  
Hey, buddy!

  
Fuck anybody in their mouth
lately?

  
Look at his face!

  
How could you do this to me?

  
Wait. Who am I?

  
We roofied you, honey.

  
Wait, wait, wait...
so I didn't fuck you

  
and you didn't fuck me?

  
Well, I fucked you a little,
but it wasn't all faggy.

  
Mr. Tight Sphincter,
ha ha ha ha!

  
Mark.

  
Fellas, personal advice
from me to you:

  
Get in there
and shave that shit up.

  
Visually, it will give yourself
an extra two or three inches.

  
If you're having anal intercourse,

  
whatever you do,

  
pull out and deposit your sperm
on her back.

  
She'll appreciate it in the long run.

  
Alcohol and sex don't mix.

  
Cocaine and sex.

  
If you don't have a rubber,
don't panic, whatever you do.

  
Watch this. Ready?

  
"Hold on a sec, babe.
Lemme grab my jimmy hat"

  
And then pantomime.

  
"Oh! It's so small! The rubber"

  
And then
you lock and load.

  
She'll never know.

  
- Damn!
- Oh, my God!

  
Ohh, what died?

  
Girl, you gotta stop
being so comfortable!

  
- Hey, pretty sweet field trip, huh?
- Yeah, it was cool.

  
So, Stacy,
I wanted to ask you something.

  
Hey, man, I'm gonna
catch you inside, all right?

  
- Uh.
- So what'd you want to tell me?

  
You know what, it can wait.

  
Hey, man, fake any orgasms lately?

  
- Fuck off.
- What?

  
Ew.

  
Are you okay?

  
Yeah.

  
Why is that guy so tall?

  
Great. Yeah, I should be okay.

  
I'll just go try to clean up
before we eat.

  
- Uh, see you inside?
- Okay.

  
Sorry!

  
Guys.

  
Can someone
help me get off the bus?

  
Hello?

  
- Hello?
Ah, there you are.

  
Everybody's waiting for you.
Come on.

  
Oh, yeah.

  
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.

  
Licking, licking.

  
- Oh! Oh!
Suck, suck, suck!

  
Oh, yeah!

  
 Keep 'em shakin' 

  
 Show 'em to me 

  
 Tits 

  
Ohh, yeah!

  
That's it, Nance.

  
Cut!
Great job, girls.

  
Nancy, nice licking.

  
Very good sucking, too.

  
- Okay, he's here.
- It's about time.

  
Listen, I know it's your first day,

  
but we got some stuff to shoot,
all right?

  
- Uh... wha...
- Now, listen.

  
The way I view this film,

  
it's a spiritual successor
to Rebel Without A Cause...

  
only with a lot more fucking. Ha ha!

  
Uh, right. Um, you guys,
I think there's been a small...

  
I'm really looking forward
to working with you.

  
Jackie and I are especially curious
how you got the name Gigundocock.

  
Oh, I can't wait to wrap
my hands around

  
the biggest penis in the biz.

  
"Penis"? I haven't heard
that word for a long time.

  
- I usually just call it "dinner".
- Mmm.

  
Okay, everybody on set!

  
I told you they wouldn't
have any beer.

  
Oh, man, how was
I supposed to know?

  
- Oh, man! Sweet car!
Here's the scene:

  
You've just helped these girls
fix their car.

  
And so to repay you,
you get to bang 'em.

  
Now, Nancy right here,
she's gonna start by blowing you.

  
Then you're gonna do
some back-door stuff with Jackie.

  
Bro, check this out.

  
After that,
just feel free to improvise.

  
All right.

  
Hey, you gonna need a fluffer?

  
Uh... uh...

  
All rightie

  
let's see that gigundocock.

  
And action!

  
Thank you so much
for fixing our car.

  
How can we ever repay you?

  
What?

  
- Cut!
- Hey, sorry I'm late.

  
I'm Gigundocock.

  
Damn.

  
 Yeah, I'm not Gigundocock 

  
 I'm just a small-town hick 

  
 An 18-year-old virgin 

  
 With a super-tiny dick 

  
 Kid, I've seen this once before 

  
 A boy who wished
he was Ang Lee 

  
 Found he couldn't
frame a shot 

  
 That's right,
that little boy was me 

  
 It wasn't my first choice 

  
 My parents think
I'm in college 

  
 I thought I'd be doing theater 

  
 On Broadway 

  
 We're just accidentally 

  
 Incidentally, unintentionally
making porn 

  
 Accidentally, incidentally,
unintentionally 

  
 Making porn 

  
 Not me, I do it 'cause
I fuckin' like it 

  
 Girl-on-girl pays fifty bucks 

  
 I get double
for back-door fucks 

  
 How I got here
I'll never know

  
 Beats Mexico
and that donkey show

  
 All these tits
got me in the mood 

  
 We're the ones
who should be getting screwed 

  
 Let us be your man-whores 

  
 Will someone show these assholes
the door? 

  
 I found my home here 

  
 On this porn set 

  
 Better hurry up
or I won't stay wet 

  
Fuck yeah!

  
Wow. Thanks for being
so cool about everything.

  
I feel like I should tell you, though,

  
I don't really think
this is the life for me.

  
You've got balls, kid.

  
Very large balls.

  
You show that kind of confidence
in real life,

  
you're gonna be fine, just fine.

  
All right, let's reset.

  
Back to one.

  
Dude, what happened in there
after we left?

  
Yo, bro, do you know those chicks?

  
Yeah, Mike!
That's what I'm talkin' about!

  
Dude, yes!

  
Whoa.

  
Look, Stacy.

  
I'm not sexually experienced,

  
and I'm not some famous porn star
named Gigundocock.

  
Look, I'm just some regular kid
who just wants to ask out a very

  
very beautiful girl.

  
Don't call past 10:00.

  
My dad'll kill me.

  
Screw her for me, dude!
Yes!

  
Fellas, you gotta be respectful
of your ladies.

  
Whatever you do, don't go around
your boys telling them

  
all the gruesome details.

  
But me, on the other hand,
I'm married with two kids,

  
I like all dirty stuff.

  
This website will go directly to me,
and only me.

  
Send me all pictures,
streaming videos, letters...

  
as bizarre as you want.

  
I'll read them all,
and masturbate all night.

  
Thank you. I'm Matthew Lillard.

  
 She's got that kind of booty 

  
 Little mama,
come here and do me 

  
 She's got that kind of booty 

  
 The type that'll drive you looney 

  
 She's got that kind of booty,
pack it up and bring it to me 

  
 Smack it up, let's make a movie,
she's got that kind of booty 

  
 Shake that booty, cutie,
up and down and all around 

  
 That big ol' juicy brown ass,
Shorty, go to town 

  
 Kick it smooth like Luther Vandy,
so good, like chewing candy 

  
 In the middle of M-i-ami,
come and sit down on my jammy 

  
 We can do it in a big ol' bed 

  
 Long as you give me
good ol' head 

  
 Yeah, girl, that's what I said,
no, girl, you don't get no bread 

  
 She's got that kind of booty 

  
 Little mama,
come here and do me 

  
 She's got that kind of booty,
the type that'll drive you looney 

  
 She's got that kind of booty 

  
 Pack it up and bring it to me 

  
 Smack it up,
let's make a movie 

  
 She's got that kind of booty 

  
 Shorty got that fat ass 

  
 Gets 'em harder than a math class 

  
 Smilin', don't you act up,
just stop and back up 

  
 Go ahead and drop that ass low,
be easy movin' that slow

  
 Nobody has to know,
we in the corner, though 

  
 You sippin' champagne,
I'm drinking cognac 

  
 You do that damn thing,
I get to bone that 

  
 She's got that kind of booty 

  
 Little mama,
come here and do me 

  
 She's got that kind of booty 

  
 The type that'll drive you looney 

  
 She's got that kind of booty 

  
 Pack it up and bring it to me 

  
 Smack it up, let's make a movie 

  
 She's got that kind of booty 

  
 Shake that booty,
sh-sh-shake, shake, shake 

  
 Shake that booty,
sh-sh-shake, shake, shake 

  
 Up and down the stripper pole,
got that body all swole 

  
 You know my package, right?
You can stay the whole night 

  
 Lady, what you gotta do
is keep me in the back of you 

  
 Nobody move you like I do,
they call me Mr Mac-a-do 

  
 They counted Tallahassee classic
got 'em on my caddy 

  
 Girlie, let me be your daddy
and we can both be happy 

  
 She's got that kind of booty 

  
 Little mama,
come here and do me 

  
 She's got that kind of booty 

  
 The type that'll drive you looney 

  
 She's got that kind of booty 

  
 Pack it up and bring it to me 

  
 Smack it up, let's make a movie 

  
 She's got that kind of booty 

  
 My darling, the stars,
they shine for you 

  
 My darling,
the birds twitter for you 

  
 My darling,
my heart skips a beat 

  
 Whenever I think of you 

  
 And under this moonlit sky 

  
 I pray and dream that I will be the one,
will be the one 

  
 That you'll 

  
 Bend over
and bang good and hard 

  
 From behind 

  
 Have me on all fours,
howling at the sky 

  
 I'll give your cock
a good long suck 

  
 Then you'll give me
a good hard fuck 

  
 Squeeze my tits,
all big and bouncy 

  
 Then spunk all over my body 

  
 I want to be
your butt-hot greasy slut 

  
 Greasy slut 

  
 Beggin' for more,
for I can't get enough 

  
 Can't get enough 

  
 When I leave your tool 

  
 Used up, worn, and soggy 

  
 I won't stop then 

  
 Oh, no, no, no 

  
 I'll become
your little leg-humping doggie 

  
 Let me be
your dirty, fuckin' whore 



Special thanks to SergeiK.