Garden Party Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Garden Party script is here for all you fans of the Vinessa Shaw movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Garden Party quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Garden Party Script

Hey. You need a ride?

I'm Davey Diamond.

You're sitting on my face.

Turn around.
That's me. See?

Good-looking guy, right?

You need an apartment?

I can help you with that.
I'll find you a gem.

That's my motto:
"I'll find you a gem."

You get it?
Diamond. Gem.

Give me a call.

You know you're gonna
need a friend in this town.

Let's get a move on.

I'll be in the truck.

I don't know if that's what you guys
were looking for, or whatever.

No, man. It was cool.
So, what's your story?

I'm just looking for a band, you know.

No. I mean, where you from?
Where you living?

We're from everywhere, you know.
We moved around a lot.

Oh, yeah.
I lived all over the Valley.

I'm new in town,
so I'm still looking for a place.

- Who are you staying with, man?
- I got some friends.

Okay. So we gotta chat.

But it was good.
We liked it.

So I'll just call you guys
in a couple of days, then.

Yeah, you know what?
Let me grab your cell phone.

I'm still working on getting a phone... I'll probably have to call you.

You know what?
Here. Grab our old fliers.

Number. E-mail.
Call us tomorrow.

All right, cool.

Hey, you guys mind
if I have another slice?

Take the rest, man.
Grab a beer. It's cool.


I need you to make
copies of these listings,

and bring them to The Standard.

- Got it.
- Then...

...make copies of these,
and bring them to the Simpsons.

- They are so ready to buy.
- Awesome.

Do that, and then call me.

Is it cool if, after I do all this,
I just go home?

Just call me, in case.


- You're up for this, aren't you?
- Oh, of course.

So many people would love your job.
You have a free car...

- I know.
...and a nice place to live.

But I need you 24/7.

Hey. How's it going?

He's a fucking pig.

Yeah, my stepdad's always trying
to do that kind of shit.

- At least he didn't try to touch you.
- Yeah. That would be gross.

How long you gonna
stay there, anyway?

Where's your mom again?

- She's in Vegas.
- She still stripping?

I don't know. She says she's working
as a cocktail waitress.

- Why don't you just move to Vegas?
- She won't let me.

Lock your doors at night.
That's what I do.

I mean, I was, like, hoping that I could
get a job and save up some money.

What kind of job?

I don't know.
My cousin, she lives in Silver Lake.

And her roommate, or something,
is moving out in a couple weeks.

And the rent's like 450 a month.

I know a job where you can make a
quick 450 bucks for a couple hours' work.


You need to feel like you want me.
Like you're hot for me.

Nice. You want some more wine?

No, I'm fine.

Am I... Am I doing something wrong?

You just need to relax a little bit.

You need to look at
me like you want me.

Like you're hot for me.

You know what it's like
to be hot for someone, right?

Okay, you wanna fuck me.
And I got a big dick.


You can see that, can't you?

Yeah. You know what?

Talk to me a little
bit about my big dick.

What do you...?
What do you want me to say?

Tell me how much you wanna suck it,
how you wanna lick it.

I wanna...
I wanna suck your big dick.

Are you watching?

Yeah. Hi, Anna.
Can you hold on a second?

Yeah, well, I had to
run from the other side

of the studio to pick the phone up.

Well, I'm painting.

I don't know.

I don't know.

A few hours, maybe.


I'll just pick up some sushi
on the way home.

- Forget it.
- Thanks, Sally.



- What are you looking at?
- Nothing.

Do you know
how to get gum off a shoe?

Yeah. I can do that.

If you get it right away,
it usually comes right off. There we go.

Just some realtor's card
I won't ever use, anyway.

Buyer or seller?

Me? My mother left me her house.

But my girlfriend hates it.

You should have me check it out.

Ask anyone.
I'm the best in the neighborhood.

Houses are like cars.

After a while,
you wanna trade it in.

I've lived in that house my whole life.

Thanks for saving my shoe.

I went to a garden party

To reminisce with my old friends

A chance to share old memories

Sing our songs again

Can I get a pack of rolling
papers too, please?

- Here you go.
- Thanks.


You got a few bucks I could borrow?
For some food?

Sorry, man.
I don't have anything.

- All right.
- Hey, where you headed?

I'm just, you know, hanging out.
I got some friends...

- You need a ride?
- Yeah, that'd be great.

All right, cool. Hop in.

I like your jeans.

They just... They... They're cool.

- You live here?
- Well, it's my boss' place.

It's kinda part of the deal.
I get to live here... long as I'm on call 24 hours a day,
and I watch over the plants.

So do you have a girlfriend?

Sorry, that's kind of
a personal question.

Whoa, man, this is crazy.

Yeah, and pretty elaborate.
It's all for Sally and her clients.

Why do you think she's the
best realtor in the neighborhood?

So okay.
You get all you want for free?

Yeah. Sally warned me to be careful...

...'cause the last guy that worked
for her ended up in rehab.

So I try to be cool
and only smoke at night.

Plus, a couple nights a week
I go to the gym.

So I don't smoke on those nights.

- Do you work out?
- No, man.

I'm a musician.

You can have some bud,
if you want any.

- You serious?
- Yeah.

It's pretty kind.

Holy shit.

You can have that.
She won't notice.

Wow. You're up early.

Yeah, I guess.

I heard the coyotes this morning.
I couldn't go back to sleep.

- These albums are amazing.
- It's just a bunch of old shit.

I think they were here
when Sally bought the house.

I love them, though.
I listen to them a lot.

All the time.

Oh, I'm making a pot of coffee.
Is that cool?

Oh, yeah.
Help yourself.

But I gotta get going.

Sally expects me to be there early,

and I have to pick up
coffee for everybody.

So are you gonna stick around?

I mean... See ya tonight?

- Yeah, definitely.
- Okay.

- All right.
- See ya.

Nathan. Get in here.

More packets to go out.

And make sure you put
samples in everybody's packet.

I thought I put them in every packet.

- Okay, okay. Shut up.
- Sorry.

By the way,
how are my samples doing?

I haven't been in there in a couple days.

That is not our agreement.
You go in there tonight...

...and make sure
my babies are doing okay.

- Are you stoned?
- No. Why would I...? Why would I be...?

- I don't want you being stoned at work.
- I'm not stoned.

All right, bye. Hurry up.
The phone is ringing.

Sally St. Clair's office.

- How you doing?
- Real good.

I'd like you to meet a friend of mine.


...kinda young.

I thought that's how you liked them.

Look, just take care of her,
and we'll take care of you.

- Both of you?
- You know it.

This is so frickin' sweet.
I'm diggin' it.

Yeah, it's tight.
I've got some ideas.

- We should blow the fuck up, fool!
- For sure.

Hold up, hold up.
Dude, that was awesome.

When did you write that?

This morning. I was thinking about
what you guys played yesterday.

I put on a pot of coffee,
and went at it.

You wanna play a
show Friday night?

We're supposed to play this party.

John was gonna sing,
but he fuckin' sucks.

You're, like, killer.
Let's just have him sing, man.

The parents are out of town.

It's gonna be a sweet party,
up in the hills. You should come.

Yeah. Sounds good.

Dirk, give him the address.

Here. Take a flier.

I'm gonna have to bum a ride.
Is it cool if I bring somebody?

It's like 10 bucks for beer, but I'm sure
we can get your buddy in. Right?

For sure. Get there around 5.

We can set up, play.
We might play Hollywood.

- You wanna do this again?
- Yeah, count it off.

- Studio.
- Hello.

- Can I help you?
- Yeah. Hi.

I was wondering
if I could get my photo taken.

Did you see my site?

- No, a friend.
- A friend?

Yeah, she told me that a friend
of hers got her photo taken.

You know the kind
of pictures I take?

Yeah, I know.

- Okay. And it's 450, right?
- It's 450 if you're good.

Okay. So, what do I have to do?

- Studio.
- Hi. I'm here to get my picture taken.

- You're early.
- I took Metro.

Really? How was that?
I've never been on it.

It's easy.

Come in.
So your friends told you about us.

What did they say?
Good things, I hope.


I wanna see you in that light.

God, I can't wait to take
your picture. You're beautiful.

People tell you you're beautiful
all the time, don't they?

Okay. You know what?
Let's make this easy, all right?

There's a robe in there.

Take off your clothes,
put on the robe, come on out.

We'll just start
with some simple headshots, okay?

Come on, let me hear you say "okay".


- Sally St. Clair's office.
- Yeah, hi. Is Sally in?

- Yeah, may I ask who's calling?
- This is Todd Winger.

- I'm sorry, one more time?
- Todd Winger.

Todd Winger.
Okay, can you hold please? Thank you.

We got a live one.

Name, please? Hello?

Todd Wang...? Wanger?

Todd Winger.

Hello, Todd.
So are you ready?

Yeah. I'm the guy
who took the gum off your shoe.

And you did a damn fine job of it.

Mother left you a house.
When can I see it?

Tomorrow afternoon?
How would that work?

How about 3:00?

Yeah, that sounds good.

You know I'm not really sure
that I wanna sell.

Yes, of course.
This is just an exploratory meeting.

Your girlfriend doesn't like
this place because...?

She says it's too big.

You could pretty much move anywhere
you want if you sold this house.

- What did your mother do?
- Nothing. She married well.

My dad was a lot older.

He developed a lot of
property out in the Valley.

He was pretty well off.

So I take it you don't need the money.

No, not really.

Well, you could always rent it out.

Yeah, I just don't know
if I'm ready to move.

I grew up in this house.

So how did you get into real estate?

I was...

...desperate for a job where
I didn't have to take my clothes off.

Some guy walked into the club where
I was working and offered me a job.

He figured I'd be an easy lay.


...I stole all of his clients,
and here we are.

I've seen your picture before
on the Internet.

You were much younger.

What pictures?

Show me.

How did you find these photos?

They've been on there forever.

Is it your head
on someone else's body?


It's me.

A few years ago, but it's still me.

You look good.

I still do.

So who owns the pictures?

A real low-life.

I guess you could call him
my first boyfriend.

I sold 15 million dollars
worth of real estate

for that son-of-a
bitch last year.

He is not gonna cut
my commission now.

No. No. I want my full commission.
I don't give a shit.

I do not give one shit.

- David?
- He doesn't have the money? Fuck him.

I'll fight him
all the way to the courthouse.

I gotta go. I gotta go.

- Hi, I'm Leni.
- Leni, I'm David.

Come here.

Wow. Wow, you're a knockout.

- Your picture doesn't do you justice.
- Thank you.

So you hungry?

- Sure.
- Come on.


- I hope you like Indian food.
- I do.

I like spicy food.

Thank you.

So here's to new
and exciting opportunities.

You looked a lot
different in your picture.

That picture was taken a year ago.

And you're 40?

You're starting to insult me now, Leni.

No, no, no. It's just that I'm still new
to the online dating...

...and I get confused.

Then let me tell you something:
There's nothing to be confused about.

Hey, you're a beautiful woman.
I'm a very successful guy.

And afterwards,

I'll take you back to my estate
and I'll show you around.

You confused still?

Have a drink.

- Come on.
- No, no. I wait for my car.

No, no. We'll come back for your car.
It'll be better that way.

- I wait for my car!
- Come on!

I wait for my car.

Oh, yeah? Okay, I get it.

I mean, you let a guy take you out
for an expensive meal, right?

And that's it?
I hope you enjoyed it.

Here. Come on.
Go get her car.

Piece of shit.
What is it? A fuckin' Yugo?

So I'm not good enough for you?
Is that it?

You want somebody younger?

You want somebody better-looking?


What are you looking at?

You know how much money
I spend in this place?

- Yeah. Not enough, though.
- Leni, huh?

Leni. I bet that's
not even your real name.

Go on back to the strip club, Leni!


It's nice, huh?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You know, my mom always promised
she was gonna put in a pool.

And then she never did it.

Come on. Playtime's over.
Let's get out. 

All right.

I'll show you the house.

- Wow, pretty swank.
- Yeah.

The guy's dad is, like, a software dude.

Makes a lot of cash, I guess.

No, I'm cool.

You wanna call me?
I mean, I'll pick you up.

Don't worry about it.
I'll find a ride home.

- Hey, Sammy.
- Yeah?


They're all out here.

It's a cool house, huh?

There's the band.

Sammy, you made it.
Very cool.

- What's up, man? You want a beer?
- No, not right now.

I see you met Becky.

- These are the rest of our groupies.
- Shut up, Wayne.

All right, man.
You wanna go set up, or what?

Five-letter word for "enlightenment"?

You're asking the wrong guy, pal.

Not tonight, please.

I'll do it first thing in the morning.
I promise, yeah.

Oh, right now?

Yeah, I'm out pulling the signs
out of the yards of your competitors.

Yeah, okay. 8 a.m.
Absolutely. Bye.

Hey, I'll have a beer.
You know, whatever's cheapest.

Your phone is ringing.


Five-letter word for "enlightenment"?

I never was any good at that stuff.

"African nut-bearing tree"?
Four letters.

- Life is my fucking puzzle.
- Okay. What do you do for fun?

Honestly? Nothing.
Yeah, my life is a joyless existence.

I work, I sleep, I do a bit of pot,
and I drink. That's it.

I'm basically totally alone,
and lonely all the time.

Aren't you glad you asked?

Yeah. I am.

- What do you do for a living?
- I work for a real estate agent.

How's that going?

Does "joyless existence" ring a bell?

Hey, let me buy you a shot.

And let's get you a real beer.


Hey. How are you?

I'm okay.

What...? What kind of bar is this?

It's... It's a lesbian bar.

So I got my money.

- What money?
- The money for my month's rent.

What rent?

Rent for your apartment...

...'cause you said
that your roommate was moving out.

I am her roommate.

Your cousin can be a
little bitch sometimes.

Listen, I can't go back home.


Long story, but...

...can I just stay with you guys
for a couple nights, or something?

Yeah, sweetie.
Take a walk on the wild side.

I went to a garden party

To reminisce with my old friends

A chance to share old memories

And play our songs again

When I got to the garden party

They all knew my name

But no one recognized me

I didn't look the same

But it's all right now
I learned my lesson well


You see, you can't please everyone

So you gotta please yourself

People came from miles around

Everyone was there

Well, he was playing guitar
Just like ringing a bell

And lookin' like he should

Well, if you gotta
play garden parties

I wish you a lot of luck

But if memories were all I sang

I'd rather drive a truck

But it's all right now...

One: I'm not afraid to love.

Two: I'm not afraid to be loved.
I know that sounds weird...

...but I'm ready to make something
happen with the three of us together.

Do you hear that?



I really liked your songs.
They were amazing.

That's cool. Thanks.

No, I mean it.

So do you go to school
with Wayne and the guys?

I don't really go to school.

- You live around here?
- I'm staying with a friend.

I didn't go to the Tony Awards
with Lance Bass.

I don't bat left-handed.
I gotta go.

How are you? I'm Joey Zane.
Nice to meet you.

Put 'er there, big guy.
That's an Army handshake.

That's a lot of confidence.

I gotta tell you: I love you, kid.
I think you're very talented.

You're one of the best.
You can go straight to the top.

I'm managing a band.
We're looking for a lead singer.

We got great material.

I think you should come on down
and meet some of the guys.

What's this? Uh-oh. Shabba!
Yeah. It's my business card.

With you on board,
this could be huge.

I know this because of my dad,
Chucky Lane.

The Chucky Lane.
Come on, guy.

He found Kurt Cobain working
at a fucking Abercrombie and Fitch.

Where do you think
The Finals came from?

He found the Ohio Players in Michigan.

Look, I've been doing this
since I was in 8th grade.

I've already signed a dozen bands
to major labels. You could be next.

I just said that out loud.
Sounds good. Got a nice ring to it.

Okay, you promise
you're gonna call me, daddy?

- Yeah. I promise.
- You got a boyish grin.

You're slick as a wolf.
I don't trust you.

Hit me with your number.

- I don't really have a number.
- What are you, fuckin' Amish?

No, I just got into town.

I fuckin' love it.

He's like a Poison video
waiting to happen, this guy.

I tell you what: I'm gonna give you
my backup phone, okay?

I'm gonna call you on this.

When I call you,
I want you to answer. Take it.

Free minutes on the weekend, okay?

Don't worry.
I only use it when I can't get a signal.

I'm outta here.
You look beautiful.

- Hello.
- Yes, daddy! You're on the team.

That was a fuckin' test, and guess
who just passed. You did, my man.

Does that girl play tambourine?

I got another business
card for you, sweetie.

No, no, leave those. We're counting.
He's gotta drive home to Orange County.

Bullshit. Take 'em away.
I wanna lose count.

Leave these.
I like these ones.

- Put some more in that one.
- Fill me up. Thank you very much.

Two of those.

Listen, I hate to do
it to you, sweetheart,

but I gotta see some ID.

That's fine.
I just want something to eat.

Excuse me.

I'll pay for whatever
it is that she wants.

How's it going, huh? How are you?
You remember me.

Come down here, just for a second.
Come down here for one second.

I want you to meet
a good friend of mine. This is Nathan.

- How's it going?
- Just come down for one second.

There we go.
That's my girl.

- Do you get high?
- Not in years.

Mind if I fire up?

- It won't affect your driving?
- No, not really.

I probably drive better stoned.

I'll take that as a yes.

- How'd you find that picture of me?
- Ever since I saw that picture...

...I've been obsessed with you.
I always look at it.

I guess you're my dream girl.

That picture was 10 years ago.

I'm a working stiff.

But I'm flattered.

Do you have a boyfriend?


I live alone.

Are you okay?

Wow, that was quick.


You know,
my girlfriend would love this place.

How long you been here?

Two years.

But I'm just renting.
I already own a couple houses.

I don't want all my money
in L.A. Real Estate.


Is this your fantasy?

Something like that, yeah.

If I acted out your fantasy,
would you do something for me?

Maybe. I guess.

Well, which is it?

What do you want me to do?

It depends.
What do you want me to do?

I'm sorry.

No, no, no. Come here.

Nathan, get a little closer to her.
She's not gonna bite.

There you go. That's good.

Wow. God, you two look great together.
You should let me take your picture.

- You just did.
- That's not what he means.

- Well, what do you mean?
- Sexy pictures.

You mean...? Well, how much?
I mean, like, how sexy?

You know, that depends.

Oh, man. You're packing.

That could be a pretty
good chunk of change.

- You're kidding, right?
- No, he's not.

I don't want my picture
all over the Internet.

Sweetheart already sat for me.

I don't even want your
head in my pictures.

In fact, my clients prefer it
if they don't even see your face.

It makes them
a little bit uncomfortable... see another man's face
while they're... you know...

...enjoying my pictures.

- I don't know.
- Come on. Listen, sweetheart.

Another 2000, for an hour's work. 2000.

Nathan. 2000, man.

Come on. Look at her, dude.
She's asking you with her eyes, man.

Let's party.
Let's do this.

- Okay, but I need another shot.
- Another shot for all of us.

Come on, come on.
Hey, Huey.

Sammy. It's a really cool name.
It's, like, totally biblical, right?

I really think your
music's amazing.

I can totally hear you
on the radio already.

All right, you have to be quiet.
My aunt's sleeping. Okay?

I wanna take your picture.


Take off your shirt.

Now your pants.

What's wrong with you?
Come on, look at her.

She doesn't do it for you?

I'm sorry.

Okay. I still get paid, no matter what.

All right.

Already a seasoned professional.

All right, look.
What's going on?

Okay. Look, man,
I really don't think this is a good idea.

Why? Come on, it'll be fun.

I'm just not into her.
You know what I mean?

Oh, right. Okay.
I understand. Hold on.

I think this is more your style, huh?

It figures, with a
schlong like yours, huh?

All right, come on over here.

Take your coat off.

All right, now turn around.

Didn't you check it out before?

Yeah, I did.
I wanna see it again.

- Everything in its place?
- Very nice.

Very good.

I don't want you talking anymore.

The only thing
I want you to say is, "Yes, sir."

Yes, sir.

Now go look at yourself in the mirror.
Fix it.

Yes, sir.

Okay. Interesting.

All right, that's good.
Now come over here.

All right, hold it.
That's nice.

Let me just look at that.

Okay, now go lay down on the couch.

Yes, sir.


Let's get some breakfast.

I gotta feed my dog,
and get to the office.


...then I'll just wait
for you to call me.

I'd never done anything like that before.

Hey. Where did you go?
I was worried.

I just went out with some friends.

- You stayed up all night.
- Yeah.

You should be more careful.

Go get some sleep in my bed.

What are you doing here?


Hey. What are you doing here?

I'm a friend of Nathan's.

Are you two lovers?

No. Nothing like that.

Well, don't let me disturb you.

- What can I get for you?
- Actually, I saw your sign outside.

I was wondering
if you guys are still hiring.

Yeah, we're hiring. But we may
have already found someone.

Well, could I at least write down
my name or something, just in case...

- You looking for a job?
- Kind of. I mean, yeah.

Call me.

- What do you want? It's on me.
- Really?

- Yeah. What do you want?
- Okay. Can I get a hot chocolate?

Hot chocolate.
Good, very good. Very sweet.

So I'll have a latte,
extra hot, non-fat.

Hello? Anna?


Anna, hey.
What's going on?

I'm leaving.
I can't take another day of this.

Of what?

I don't know, Todd.

Everything around here is so dark,
and I'm just looking for some light.

Can you close that?


- It's broken.
- All right.

Where you gonna go?

I'm gonna go stay at Donna's.

I'll come back for my stuff
in a couple of days.

- We broke up.
- Why?

I don't know.

We hardly ever
saw each other anymore.

- I don't think she thought I loved her.
- Did you?

I don't know.
Can we not get into this today?

What does love mean to you?

Love. Love is something I can't have.

I don't believe love exists for me.

Did you love Anna?

I wanna talk about something else.
I don't wanna talk about this.

It's your session.
What do you want to talk about?

Well, I don't know.

It was good. All right, here he comes.
I'll call you later.

That's your phone.
Maybe it's Joey.

- Yeah, or somebody for Joey.
- Oh, just answer it.

- Hello?
- Hey, kid. How's it going?

- You get some last night?
- Get some what?

Hey, that's your business.

My business is music,
daddy, all right?

I want you to come by the
studio and meet some people.

You have a pen?

- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.

You're playing coy.
I like that.

I saw that sexy little devil
you were with last night.

It's on Rowena
and Silver Lake.

I want you to get
there around 4:00.

You're gonna see
me waiting outside.

I'm gonna walk you up,
so don't be late.

Yeah, okay. All right.

That is so cool!

Is this "Making the Band"?

I'm not holding auditions.
Yeah, I gotta go.

Let's go.
Time is money, time is money.

I'm sweating like Patrick Ewing
in the 4th quarter of game seven.

- Jesus, kid. Where you sleeping?
- At a friend's house.

Yeah? Who's your friend, baby Jesus?
Look like you been sleeping in a manger.

Let's go.
Whatever, it's a look.

Hey. What's crackin', guys?

Dude, this is the fucking
kid I was telling you about.

This is Sammy.
The kid's a fucking genius.

Sammy, this is Everbright.

That's Harry, that's Kevin,
and that's Neil right there.

How's it going, Sam?

- So you ready to sing something?
- Yeah, whatever.

I love it. The kid's always on the go.
Kev, give me the lyric sheet.

- Dude, how was that weed I gave you?
- So good.

Dude, it melted your face off, didn't it?

- Can I hear the track?
- Roll that shit, roll that shit.

It's like listening to the Beatles'
White Album for the first time.

Pop off this shit, pop off it.

This is cool. I like it. It's poppy.

You should give me a minute
to work on the lyrics, or whatever.

He's gonna feel it out
like Ray Charles looking for a cricket.

I'll be his silent mom in the corner.
I'm not gonna say a goddamn thing.

How 'bout you, sweetie?
You party on a school night?

Oh, my gosh.

Fifty bucks.
PayPal it to me.

Yeah, okay, hold on.

- You should have it.
- The URL is registered... 5045 Prospect, box #409.
It's a mailbox shop.

- The name on the account is fake.
- How do you know?

"IB Horny".
Sound real to you?

God bless, brother. God bless.

Thanks... Mr. Horny.


Yeah, I could come up a bit.
It's cool.

Check. Yeah, it's good.

He changed the lyrics.

Just listen to it for a second.

What did I tell you? The kid's a genius.
Remember who found him.

Wonderboy changed the lyrics, man.

It's sounding better, honestly.
It's still good quality.

Well, it sounds good.
He's got a good voice.

But it's not the same.
I mean, he changed all the lyrics.

- Do you want one?
- No, I'm cool.

She's pretty.
What is she, like seventeen?

Eighteen, I think.

- Is that her BMW outside?
- Yeah.


...I just came by to get my stuff...

...and thank you.
- Thank me?

Are you really gonna thank me?

What do you mean?

I don't know. I guess I just thought
this would turn into something more.

You staying here.

Yeah, okay.
But I want some pot.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I gotta help Nathan with something.

So I'll... I should get a ride
back to your place later.

- No, I'll wait for you.
- No.

That's not gonna work.

I'll see you in a couple hours.

- Greetings, soldier.
- Greetings, my friend.

I hail from the Kirklactic Empire.

I've heard quite a
bit about that place.

We've penetrated
the far reaches of space.

You've penetrated everything
you've come in contact with...

... according to my sources.


Yeah. Hi.
I'd like to model.

You and everyone
else in this town.

Come on in.

- What the hell is going on?
- Hey, come on back here.

It's an amateur site.

Half of the pictures I receive
are from fans of the site.

They send in pictures of ex-girlfriends,
strippers, girls they saw on the beach.

- Isn't that illegal?
- When they hit the return button...

...they agree they have the rights to the
pictures, and it's no longer my problem.

So do you know
who sent you those photos?

All right, look.

I'll take them off the site, okay?
Just give me $5000.

They're one of the most popular
set of pictures on the site.

Yeah, fine.

- Two thousand.
- Honey, he just agreed to five.

If you wanna renegotiate,
the price is gonna go up.

All right, look.
I know who you are.

I read the real estate
section on Sundays.

Actually, I was maybe gonna
talk to you about my house.

Tell me, do you think
this is a good time to sell, or...?

Call my office.

Wow. Who took the picture?

I could do a much better job,
Sally St. Clair.

- If you change your mind, call me.
- Thank you.

As you see,
that's only some of my work.

- Sorry about the stairs.
- No problem.

Nice... I like your stuff.

- You're early.
- Yeah, well...

I didn't know how long this would take.

- Where do you live?
- I'm staying with my cousin right now.

But I wanna get my own place soon.
I'm saving up some money.

Well, I can help you out with that.

Go get me a large,
non-fat latte, extra hot.

And get something for yourself.


Becky? Hello, Becky.

Unlock this door, young lady.

- Shh, be quiet.
- Is someone in there with you?

I heard voices last night.

You're not allowed to
keep this door locked.

What are you talking about?
It's unlocked.


What are you doing here?

- Sally, she offered me a job.
- A job? What job? My job?

Nathan. This is our new intern, April.

- Nathan. It's nice to meet you.
- It's nice to meet you too.

You know, you look really familiar to me.

- Do you two know each other?
- I don't think so.

Maybe I've just seen a picture of you
someplace, then.

No. I don't think so.

I told April she could stay at your
place for a couple of days.

No really, that's okay.
I can just go stay at my cousin's.

And sleep on the sofa? No.

It's fine. We have an extra bedroom.
It's no problem. Right, Nathan?

Of course not.

Sally St. Clair's office.
Postcard in the mail?

Okay, enough small talk. Nathan,
I'm sure you can keep April busy.

I'll do my best.
What are you doing here?

I ran into Sally at a coffee shop.
I was applying for a job.

Sally St. Clair's office.

I don't know what's going on,
but you find your own apartment.

Can you hold please?
Thank you.

Hi, it's me, Becky.

Listen, I need you
to do something for me...

This neighborhood is a little sketch,
but you can crash here for a while.

Carlos said he would be here.

Dude's a real stoner,
so anything is possible.

I just talked to him.

Yo, Becky. What's up?

Carlos, you reek.

Just doin' some B-52s.
Did you guys want one?

No. But it smells like some good shit.

Yeah. Some dude out of Diamond Bar.

featured in High Times.

I mean, everybody's going crazy for it.
I'm just lucky I got it.

Dude, take the trash out
every once in a while.

I know.

I've been really, really busy.

- What are you doing?
- What do you mean?

- You left me to lock up the office.
- I asked Sally if I could go.

Look, you're the low man
on the totem pole, okay? You ask me.

Now can I take my fucking shower?

Yeah, sure.

Finish your shower.

You better not use my washcloth, okay?

So you're the guy
responsible for all of this.

You're really not supposed to be in here.
But no, I'm not responsible for all this.

There's a guy that comes by
a couple times a week... make sure everything's
doing what it's supposed to.

I just kinda like spraying 'em.

It relaxes me.

Sorry, do you want a couple buds?

Sure. Yeah, yeah.
That'd be great.

Here you go.
Let it dry out for a couple days first.


This is some good stuff, man.

- Where'd you get it?
- This cat I know.

You get some more of this stuff, man,
I want some.

Turn the fuckin' music down, man!

- So, what's Becky's story?
- She's a sweetheart, man.

I mean, her dad's, like,
this really rich guy. He's never home.

She's into me.

We met in this creative writing class.

She really likes my poetry.

I wanna go to fuckin' sleep, man!
Turn the fuckin' music off!

- It's warm.
- Don't worry about it. Fridge is broke.

What do you think you can get
for that weed, man?

I don't know, man.

A lot of money.

This is, like,
the best stuff I've smoked in years.

I smoke a lot of pot.

So do you know "Free Bird"?

Fucking Christ! Turn it off!

Come on, let's smile now.
Come on.

Look like you're enjoying it,
all right? Yeah.

Okay, isn't that enough?

You said you'd let me
take some pictures. Come on.

This has nothing to do with real estate.

How's that tape treating you?

I transferred it to my computer
so I can edit it.

Do I get a copy?

Do you want a copy?

- I'll get back to you on that.
- Oh, okay.

You know, my girlfriend moved out.

That was sudden.

We haven't had sex for six months,
so that's not really.

Are you one of those freaks that can
only get off on tapes and everything?

I don't know what came first:
My lack of interest in her...

...or my complete obsession with you.

It's good I get into bed early tonight.

I got a yoga class in the morning.

- I was that young.
- Younger.

Yeah, you're right.

- You do yoga?
- Yeah.


- Can you unlock the door?
- You know, you sweat. You're sweaty.

Wait, wait, wait. Let him
get to the bottom of the street first.

And don't turn on the lights
'til they get out of the hills.

- He's not gonna walk her to the door.
- This is great.

He's waiting for her to get in.
Now's our chance. Just follow me.

- Wait. What's the plan?
- Just stick with me.

Hey! What?
No, no! What the fuck?

Who are you, man? What do
you want? What are you doing?

- Shut up.
- Stop.

We've got a little surprise
for you, David.

Now I'm gonna pull you into the car.

If you try anything, I'll break
your fucking neck. You got that?

- It's my favorite song.
- I can tell.

- Where are you going?
- My cousin, she invited me to a dinner.

It's a congratulations
for me getting a new job.

You want?

They're gonna give me shit.
But I don't care.

I knew Sally was gonna
find somebody else.

I'm too stoned all the time.
I'm fucking shit up.

It's exactly what happened
to the last guy.

Oh, don't say that.

Maybe you should just stop smoking
every night, and mellow out.

You think I care about this job?
You think I wanna work in real estate?

I mean, every other person...
Nobody knows what they want.

It's like, if they want a house
with a sauna...

...the full bedroom
can have only partial light.

But Mrs. Son-of-a-Bitch
can't sleep

unless there's a lot
of light in the room.

Mr. Son-of-a-Bitch can't sleep because
there's too much light in the room.

It's like Goldilocks grew up
and got married.

And all of a sudden,
nobody knows what they want anymore.

That's not what I want.
I mean, you wanna work in real estate?

I don't even really know
what I wanna do.

Me, I came out here to be a dancer.

Like I was gonna be one of those people
poppin' in the Missy Elliott videos.

Funny, huh?

You know, we should go dancing.

- No, I don't wanna go dancing.
- Come on, I'm in my party dress.

What about your cousin?

You think I really wanna see them
making out?

Okay, okay.

Come, come. Come on.

Since the mid-1990s,

the central government
of Botswana...

... has been trying
to put Bushmen out...

... even though the
National Constitution

guarantees the
people the right...

Do you hear something, man?

Yeah. I got it.

Geographic just, like, kills it.


- Hello?
- What are you doing?

- Nothing, really.
- Well, who are you with?

- Just hanging with Carlos.
- Carlos?

Is he telling you
my deep, dark secrets?

No, nothing like that.

I miss you.
Do you miss me?


No. I wanna hear you say it.

I want you to say it in front of Carlos.

I just farted, man.
Can you smell it?

I... I miss you.

Do you want me to come over?

Sure, I guess. What are we gonna do,
sleep on the floor?

I don't care.
I just wanna see you.

You're pussy-whipped, dude.

Okay. I'll see you soon.

You asshole.

What are you watching?

Geographic, dude. No lie.

Hot chicks.

Hey. Hope that didn't hurt too much.


Davey. You know why we're here?

Come over here, Sally.
Come on over.

Okay, Dave.

Why the fuck are her pictures up
on the Internet, huh?

See this?

I'm gonna pull this ball gag out of
your mouth. But if you try anything...

...I'm gonna hit you so hard,
you'll lose your hearing. You got that?

All right.

- Jesus, Sally. What is this?
- Where are the pictures?

- What pictures?
- All of 'em.

Of Sally. Of everyone.

I want all the pictures,
you fuckin' pervert.

I don't know who you are,

or what it is that
you think you're doing.

He is my friend.
And he's here to help me.

Now, I want all the pictures
you've taken of me.

You see, Davey, some of those pictures
ended up on the Internet.

Sure. I mean, whatever.
Take all the pictures.

And I want three of your listings.

Three of your houses
that you have on the market.

Come on, how can I do that?

Call 'em up and say
you can't help them anymore.

A medical problem.

And that you recommend me.

You don't think
you're gonna get away with this, do ya?

With all the underage girls you parade
through here for photo shoots?

What are you, gonna go to the cops?
I don't think so.

Honey, what are you doing
with a guy like that?

What was I doing
with a guy like you, huh?

I'm always looking
for someone to help me.

You know what Dad was like.

This is some good stuff.
You're very talented.

Yeah, thank you. Asshole.

- Are my photos in there?
- Well, there's lots of boxes.

We'll just have to take it all.

I love this song.

- So, what's your story?
- Oh, my story?

I'm from Lincoln Nebraska,
and I was raised by my grandma.

And my only friend in high
school joined the Army.

So I had to get outta there.


I mean...

Do you like girls?

Yeah, I like girls.

Do you like me?

Yeah, I like you.

Do you like guys
more than you like girls?

Come on, Little Miss Missy.
Learn how to dance.

Just give me a second, okay?
I'm not exactly used to this sort of...

- Excuses, excuses.
- You just gotta give me a minute, okay?

Yeah, go. Peace.
Bye! Have fun.

Follow me.

You don't like guys.

Are you some frat boy fucking with me?

No, man.
I never even went to college.

Where do you think you're going, man?
Stay there.

I didn't come in here for nothing.

You can't stay here.

It's fine, don't worry about it.

No, this place is gross.

I'll clean it up.

How can you be inspired to write
anything beautiful in a place like this?

Just leave that to me.


I found you.
You're my discovery.

Hey. Can I get a large, non-fat latte...

...and a regular, small coffee.

Okay. That'll be $5.65.

Good morning.
Didn't I see you at the coffee shop?


- Is Sally here?
- Yeah. What was your name?

I'm Todd.

- April.
- April.

Nice to meet you. You're a bit young
to be doing this, aren't you?

Why would you say that?
I mean, Sally says I'm doing a great job.

I'm just kidding with you.
I'm just...

Todd, is it?

- It is.
- Come back, please.

Bye. Nice to meet you.

Very professional.

Very impressive.

I just got a call
from one of Davey's clients.

- Oh, good.
- He's going down.

Hey, what do you wanna do
with the pictures?

You can keep 'em.
Do what you want with them.

I know you're a total perv.


What are you looking at?

I was looking at April.

What do you think?
I love it.

I look like a douchebag in these clothes.

You look great,
and you are so not a douchebag.

Come on, let's just go.
We're gonna be late.

Sammy. We're gonna go.
You look great.

Sabrina, don't listen to him.
We'll take it.

Call me tomorrow, and
we'll figure it out.

I gotta call you back.

- I thought you were sick.
- Hung over.

Those are the keys
to the house and the car.

What's happening, Nathan?

I'm moving back to Nebraska.

Why would you wanna do that?

I'm done. I talked to my dad...

...and he said he'd help me
with school next semester.

I'm just not cut out
for Hollywood and all this.

You can't quit.

You're always one step ahead
of everybody.

I mean, that's why you got
April in here, isn't it?

Yeah, you're right.

You know, out of all the screwups
I've had... had days
when you almost got everything right.

Well, I'd like to think that today
is one of those days. Thanks, Sally.



Call me.

It's your day, big boy.

Second page, sign under "artist".

I left her with you.

Don't fucking touch me.
Where is she?

I don't know.

What was the last time you saw her?

- We love these.
- Yeah, we wanna do a show.

We're looking for
something for this fall.

- What do you think?
- Yeah, okay.

We'll do it.
They wanna show my stuff.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- That's cool, huh?
- Yeah.

No, no, that one's just being leased.
Hold on.

Hey. Do you like that picture?

- Do you think I look sexy enough?
- You're a pretty sexy lady.

Yeah, I am.

Wow, that's beautiful.
Beautiful. Yes.

Okay, now look at me like you want me.

Come on, tell me that
you want me. Come on, Sally.

Wow, that's beautiful.

Yes, I like the attitude.
That works. That was good.

you need a ride?

- Where you going?
- Hop in.

I'll take you any place you wanna go.

Put your seatbelt on.
You been waiting long?

Special thanks to SergeiK.