Gigantic Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Gigantic script is here for all you fans of the Paul Dano and Zooey Deschanel movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Gigantic quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Gigantic Script

They stopped.

- Which one?
- 7.

Start the stopwatch.

- Is he okay?
- Yes, fine.


What does that mean?

Nothing ...
... there

Well, the logic is, when forced into an aversive situation
i.e. being dumped into a pool

the rat will oscillate between attempts to escape
and resigning to its fate.

and resigning to its fate.

- And this guy gave up
- Today he did. 

- Does he usually?
- Yeah.

I'm trying to quantify 
how helpless this one feels

and why more today than yesterday.

But it seems Mr. 7 is always
a little bit of a quitter.

- Umm, could you sign this for me, Larry?

- Sure

- Thank you.
- This is my friend Brian Weathersby

- Hi
- Hi Brian, nice to meet you.

- Do you work here?
- No

We went to college together.

- Really? He looks so much older than you.
- Thanks so much.

This is a PhD candidate in neurobiology 
She's studying aggression and sexual behaviour e

in Mongolian gerbils.
- Yeah, I just play with gerbil dick all day.


No, uh ... just their brains. 

I'm sorry, that was really weird.
- Little bit.
Uhm, I'm gonna go. It was nice to meet you.

I'm sorry again.

She had any idea how many times a day I masturbated 
thinking about her

... she'd probably sue the university.

- And she'd be right, it's inappropriate.
- Yeah.

So ... why do some swim
and others not? 

Oh, it's hard to say ...
I mean nobody knows

To what degree the rat feels helpless
What we do know is the drugs we administer to make the rats

Wanna swim more are the same drugs that make people,
feel less depressed.

- Antidepressants?
- Yup, antidepressants.

Do you know women are 20 times more likely
to be depressed than men?

Maybe more. Can't remember the exact number.
It's a lot more.

That's good ... for men.

Not really ... when you think about it heterosexually.


Enough, enough, enough ... stop stop stop!




Oh shit, what happened to you?

Pickup game,
caught an elbow.

Black dude?
White dude?

Definitely white.

Hey Kevin, lunch.

Hey look, got some mini burgers
a whole bunch if you want some.

Wassup dude not much.
- Hey Kevin

- Want some?
- No, I'm good.

How did you make out with the 
Wall Street guy?

Uhh, I think I sold him 5 beds.

5 beds? 
Why does he need 5 beds for?

He's got 5 bedrooms.


Came in looking for some beds
for his new mansion

I asked him how his bonus season went.
- Yeah, and ...?

He cackled, squealed like a pig.
Fucking guy's 28.

What's bonus season?

Every year banks give out bonuses, y'know, big bonuses
a couple of mil.

I'm in the wrong industry.

Anyway, I got him up on that Scona
Made him take off his shoes, got him a cup of tea

He laid there for a couple of minutes .. I asked him
some questions about his job, reported bout his success

And bang ... 5 beds.
You could sell salt to a slug ...

... if you listen to the slug.

Ugh, this place depresses me. Don't like the idea.
- Stores?

Let me get you somebody to talk to.
- Oh Christ.

They will help, they know what they're talkin about.
- Ok, but i don't have all day for speeches

I want a fucking bed.

Hold on.

Hi, can I help you?
- Uh yes, my boss is looking for a bed.

Okay ...
- And he doesn't have a ton of time.

This bed feels like it's full of cookie dough.

That's a horsehair-covered bed.
- It's a shit-covered bed that's what it is.

What's this?
- That's the Lady Englander Americanus Series 
A salesman with a shiner.
I'm gonna believe him.

Better ...
feels like a plank though.

Uh here's some literature.
- I didn't just fall off the turnip truck, son.

Ok, uh tell you what,
if you have any specific questions

I'm happy to help
I'll be right over here.

No no no, you're on this ride with me
the poofter here

And I came here to buy a bed and I don't have time
to chase you down

your little videogame station.

And what you kids do all day.
Playing those tetris games pretending to work.

What's this?
A sarcophagus?

Um, that's the Scona Sangar 770 series
3000 coil count

Best bed on the market.

That was a joke.

Yup, good one.
Try it out, Gary.

C'mon, not gonna touch you.

Don't have to be shy in front of me,
I know how you spend your weekends

Bunch of homos out there on Fire Island piling on top of each other. It's disgusting.
- It's nice.

Yeah. Bet you wish you had a couple of these out there
Get all your buddies together.

Have a disgusting orgy.

I bet you wish you could come.

Alright, get up.

Alright, what's the story on this thing?

Uh, it's the last bed you'll ever buy.

Only bed I ever bought, how much?
- $14,
American? It's a lot of money
for a goddamn bed.

Alright, I'll send my girl by this afternoon
take a look

Work out the financing.

14 grand is the price you quoted me
not a penny more

So don't try to Jew the price up on me.
You're not Jewish, are you?

No, I'm not.
- Good.

It's just a figure of speech,
I'm half Jew myself

I work with Jews, they Jew me all day long
so I can say it.

Ok, um there's shipping and handling

No. 14 grand, work it out Chester.

Let's go Gary, this place depresses me.

You going where and for what now?
And when you leaving?

Vancouver, right? - Vermont
That was close.

My father's 80th birthday.
- 80th? Damn.

Your brother's going?
- Yup.



Can i help you?

Yeah, um, my dad ...
he came in here earlier

And talked to someone about a bed


He came in ... 
he came in here with another guy.

Um, big guy?
- No, gay.

I meant your dad?

Oh yeah, kind of sort of uh loud mouth

Yeah, the uh Scona bed you wanna see?

Yeah ...

Uh ... this way.

That's a great bed.

Made in Sweden.

May I sit on it? 


Ohh, this is a nice bed!

How much is it?
- $14,
Holy shit!

Is this the one he wants?
- Mm hmm.

Fuck it, money gotta spin man.

Thank you.

Can I lie here for awhile?



Can you see up my skirt? 

Not really.


What happened to your eye?

Uhh, I was attacked by a homeless man.

I'm gonna get you a receipt
there's a warranty package

Built into the price, it's a pretty standard
25 year non-prorated deal

And for delivery
I guess I'll waive the fee

Because I told your dad ...

Or really he told me ... umm ..

Family Initiative

Kenyatta Folds, please.

I'm sorry, can you repeat the name?

Yes, can you please connect me to Kenyatta Folds
This is Brian Weathersby.

This is Kenyatta
- Hey Kenyatta, it's Brian

Oh hey, wassup man?

What's the name of those beds you make?

Ah well, we don't make them
but they're called Scona beds.

I looked them up,
that shit's expensive.

Yes, but truly excellent
sleeping devices.

Better be for that kinda money.
Wassup big boy?

Nothing, it's Friday, so uh,
I thought I'd call.

I got no news man,
they met on Wednesday ...

But nothing's changed.

What about the application and references
did that make it any further?


Ok, I'm still interested in the
main adoption list

But can you keep me on the email list
and for alternative list as well?

All 3 lists?
- You know it, man.


Be safe.

Will do, bye.

Hey Brian,
who is that girl?

Uh, that, that guy,
the big guy who came in earlier

His daughter. es su hija.

He buy that bed?
- Yup.

Yeah, you see that's what I'm talking about.
That's what I'm talking about.

So what's up with them Chinese people.

Uh, still no word.

Alright, I'll see you tomorrow.
Tell your papa I said Happy 80th.

I will.

How old was he when he had you?

Uh 52.


Still shooting bullets at 52. 

I'm out.
- Ok.

I fell asleep on your bed.

How long was I asleep? 

Uh ..
2 and a half hours.

You must've been tired.

I've got your receipt here
and all the paperwork for the bed

You just need to tell me
when to deliver it.

Wait a minute ...

I had this fucked up dream ...

I was in a cave and my hair
was made out of marijuana

and then ...

my swim coach was um ...

And then ... we went to ...
are you adopting a dog?


Oh, you were in my dream.

Do you ever incorporate things
into your dreams?

I was out of it.
What were we talking about?

Umm .. delivery...
when do you want it?

No, you were on the phone
you were talking bout somethin' ..

In the process of adopting
a baby from China.

Did you give me this?
- Yes.

Wow, that's amazing.

Well, it was right there on the bed ...

No, I meant the baby.

Oh, I don't have the baby yet

Yeah, you've to go through
a shit ton of tests, interviews

And there are a few categories where I'm not

An ideal candidate.

Do you mind me asking why?
- Not at all, I'm not married and I'm 28.

What would they rather have?
- Married and 30.

Are you gonna raise this kid?

That's the idea,
yeah if I ever get one.

So, how long have you
wanted to do that?

Pretty much my whole life.

So it's been a weird obsession.

Sorry I keep asking questions.

No, it's ok,
it's a little weird.

So do you actually deliver it?

The bed?

Oh no, the guys do it. 
The delivery guys.

Ok, well,

I guess I'll just come in tomorrow and ...

See what my dad wants.

Yeah sure, you just have to sign here
and you're good. 

I'm Brian, by the way.
- I'm Happy.

My name's Harriet, 
but everybody calls me Happy.

It's a nice name.

Which one?
- Harriet.

I like it.
- Me too.

Yes, so uh ..
- Shit. 

I'll talk to you tomorrow? 
- I'm late for work.
You going to work now?

Yeah, I'm a hooker.

I thought so.

I work for my sister, sort of.

I gotta go.
- Yes, good luck. 

Thanks for letting me sleep here.


Anytime, uh .. 

Yeah, that's looking good. 

Is it? 

Hell yeah.
Black hair ain't easy to deal with y'know.

Had a white stepfather had to deal with 
my sister's Afro coiffures 

She looked like a dog 
when he finished with 'em.

White people just don't know how difficult 
black hair's to deal with. 

Wassup dude not much. 

Y'know Kevin. 
That's two separate things. 

"What's up dude?" is the question.

"Not much" is the answer 
to that question. 

Listen dudes, I need someone to help me 
with that Scona delivery

For that guy with the fag friend 

I'm sorry, homosexual.

Where's Plume?

Well he called in sick dude. 
He's like ate some bad chicken

Parts and he's like honking his guts out.

Well get on Kumalo. 
- No, not today dude. Religion.

I'll do it. 


I'll call in a temp.
- No, no, no I don't mind.

Route 212, 93. Busca el 2903.

Right here.





The door! 

- Sandman mattress. It's the delivery.

- Thanks.

Put some clothes on for God's sake.

- Yup.

We're delivering the mattress.

I'm lying on the kitchen floor.

Now that we both know what we're doing,
what's next?

Where can we set this up?

How about the bedroom area?

Where is that, sir?



The delivery guy got sick. 

Oh, ok, I'll show you. 

Wassup dude not much.



So, um, just, right there.



What? Coming. 

I'm going to the back doctor today. 
- Ok.

I need you to drive me. 

No way. 

I'll give you $
Dad, I can't. 

Get that kid to do it.

Who? Brian?

Well we just can't ask him to do stuffs like that.
That's weird. 

Hey, I've kinda a weird question for you. 

What is it?

Will you drive my dad 
to the back specialist? 

I can't drive in New York City. 

A cab? 

He doesn't ride in cabs. 

Well, yes ... 

He'll pay you ... 
and I will come with you so it won't get too weird 

I really appreciate you doing this 
taking time off from work and all. 

Oh well.
- Oh, where the hell is she? 

Brian, I'm totally serious when I say she may've 
gotten lost leaving the apartment. 

Ooh, somebody got all glossied up.

You play tennis, Brian? 

I've played, not much.
- I have the 9th fastest serve in the world. 

They clocked it.

The doctor will meet you in Room 1. 
- Fabulous. Will be about an hour. 

Come on in now. 
- Ok.


Structurally, there are no abnormalities. 

This has to do with your musculature and your ligaments 
this has to be the last time we talk about this.

What about ruptured discs?

That is bullshit. All that shit is 
fucking fucking bullshit ok? 

Back disorders, duodenal ulcers,
the most misdiagnosed conditions

Attributed to middle-aged men today. 
I'm not going down that road. 

Stress, Al.


Weariness, that's what causes 
most of this shit. 

Let me show you something. 

A little pressure. 

Look at that energy pattern. 

You look at it.
I'll go along with it ...

But I'm not fucking stressed.

What are you reading? 

It's an article about a Tibetan 
who plays basketball with some other 

Monks in Arizona.

Says they got in a fight with five advertising 
executives in front of a bunch of kids. 

What are you reading? 

Uhm ... mostly just ads. 

This one's for ... a ..

Meditation cushion ...
that's filled with buckwheat. 

And it costs $249 

It's a cushion? 

Yeah, it's mostly just a pillow that 
looks like a stump. 

Seems like a lot. 
- Yeah. 

Do you have any interest in 
having sex with me? 

- Really? 

- Mm hmm. 

I need to schedule another appointment, Linda. 

How was your visit, Mr. Lolly? 

A waste of money.

How about Thursday the 23rd? 

- The 24th? 

- 9:30?

- 2:

Smells like a wharf nut in here.


You heard me. 
Smells like low tide. 

That's weird.
- I don't smell anything.

Hey, how was the doctor, dad? 

Yup, good enough quack. 
Charged a fortune but I've got his number. 

Did you know I had brain cancer once, Brian? 

- Yup.

Yup, huge tumour on the 
recesses in my temporal lobe.

But you're ok now. 

Yup. 100% holistic. 
No chemo, no radiation.

What did you do? 

I mapped the pathology of the cancer with my mind. 
Very Chinese.

Then I moved it. 

Again with meditation. 

I pushed it down to the fatty tissue 
of my temporal lobe 

2 months. 

Then I moved it down to my nasal cavity stream.
3 months. 

Then ...
then one day I just hocked it out. 

About the size of a squash ball, 
maybe bigger. 

Do you play squash, Brian? 

Yeah, I've played some squash. 

I was the No. 2 at Yale 
behind some Paki named Nasser. 


Uh. Pakistani.
The guy was a wire. 

Hey Brian
- Hi ...

It's Missy.
- Right, gerbil cock, right? 

She wants you.
- Stop it. 

What's up in the rat world? 

Oh ... depression, sleep deprivation, 
test, the usual. 

What the fuck is that? 

This, is a sports drink. 

I'm hungover.

How you doin' man? - 
- Ahh, well ... 

I got a problem. 

Yeah? What's going on? 

I had sex with this girl in the back 
of her father's station wagon the other day. 

Is it a sting when you pee 
kinda problem? 



Well ...
now what? 

Mmm ... well now there are 2 possible 
reactions to this scenario.

You either wanna bang it home again 
or you never wanna see her for the rest of your life.

Which is it? 

Bang it home? 

Why are you saying it
like it's a question? 

Bang it home. 

Yeah. There you go. 
Damn straight bang it home. 

Good job. 

Who is this girl? 

She came into the store the other day,
and her dad bought a bed.

God bless capitalism. 

So when's the next bang-bang gonna happen?

I don't know. 

You like her? 
You like her like her?

I don't know. 

You think it's possible that the rat 
that stopped swimming was just tired

And taking a little break? 


These calculations are based 
on months of testing, so ... 

The same rat that stopped swimming again and again 
is probably more than just a little tired.

How's the mattress business? 

I should get there. 
- Okay. 

Hey you ...
should ask Missy out.

Can't. Scared. 

Good luck. 
- Mmm ... you too. 

Hey, you gotta swim 
if you wanna bang it home.

That's reality. 
Remember that. 

I will. 

What's our first meal?
- Nothing.

Ah, c'mon,
I'm starving. 

Nah, it's better on an empty stomach. 

It's true. 

Crock. It's not. Yeah well I'm hungry
I'm gonna grab somethin' to eat. Brian you want somethin'? 

No, I'm alright. 

Excuse me, shaman. 

Dad, you need some help? 

Nope, I've got it. 

When are the shrooms ready? 

Oh no no no ... 
best to let it steep a while.

Talked to a local, he said there were alot
uh ahead of the woods 

And black trumpets south side of Temper
lower elevations than last year.

You bringing that? 


Might be some pheasant. 
- A pheasant with a death wish?

That's tradition. He brings a gun 
He doesn't use the gun.

He throws up. 

Thanks dad. 

Sometimes ... it takes mushrooms 
to find mushrooms 

Prepare your pouches 
for the poisoning. 

Well, my hand is starting to look a bit 
like an eagle's claw. 

So I think it's time to pack our stuffs. 

Any news from China?

Uhm, not really. 

Same stuff, I'm on the list ...

A couple of years ... 
could be earlier. 

Yeah, well, listen, 
my friend Jin Ho 

Very powerful businessman,

Right here in the States

Owns an airline company, tobacco interests,
some crap like that 

And uh, he might, he might 
be able to help you.

Well, I think he's Korean, dad 
if that's what you mean. 

Yes, yes ... 
he's a marvelous Korean!! 

Of no help to you. 

Yeah, well ... 

I hope it happens. 

Be nice to have some 
new life in this family.

Hope you get the kid, yea. 

I think you'd be great at it. 

You think so? 
- I do, I do .... 

You got what it takes 

What does it take? 

Well ... 

I haven't the foggiest idea,
to be truthful ... but ... 

Listen ... 

Here we are, walking together
in the woods 

And if you can aspire 
to be walking in the woods with your kids

After they've made it as far 
as we've made it ... then ... 

I think you've done the right thing. 

That makes sense. 

It makes sense. 

Not really. 

But ... 

I think you understand me ... 

I do.


What the fuck?! 


Where the fuck did it come from? 

Are you alright?

Yeah yeah, I'm the war generation 

When we hear shots,
we get down. 

You guys are running 
around like targets. 

You sure you're okay? 
- Yeah yeah I'm fine. 

Looks like a tiny calibre bullet. 

Looks like a .22. 

Some hunter probably shot one 
across our bow. 

Yeah, what's he hunting? 

He has a point. 
There shouldn't be anyone hunting right now. 

There's 2 ways we can go here 
we can hunt the fucker down ... sorry ... 

Or we can make our way back. 


Huh ...
Check them golden oysters! 

Look at those beauties. 

Hey, what we gonna do about 
the long gun?

Nothing, nothing. 

We got our mushrooms, go back to our cabins
and call it a day. 

Then later, I'll take our bounty after hours, 
head back into town 

And have them cook us 
a proper meal. 

Ah, Bonjour mes amis.

Uh, you need any help? 

Brian, come to the kitchen.

I'd love to help. 

What's he sayin'? 

I'm going to help Jacques with the dinner
he thinks dad's a murderer in the kitchen.

What, everybody speaks French but me? 

can we speak in English?

Ahh, I get carried away sometimes.

Whatever that boy wants, 
he'll figure it out at some point. 

And you've got 15 years on both of ya.

You forget what you were like 
when you were his age?

I was finishing my residency 
when I was his age. 

Yeah, I was in Russia 
buying oil tankers.

Yup, you look good. 
Very strong. 

Stronger than I have ever seen you. 
And I have seen you since you were a little uh ... 

uh ..."pizza".

Uh, you mean piss-ant?

Yeah yeah "piss-ant".

- You're welcome.

Well, that's for you Jacques, thanks for the hospitality
and for the Frenchness.

Thank you for the champignon 
and for being an absurd American. 

So, how will you get home? 


I've got it. 

Are you okay to drive? 
- He doesn't drink.


I just don't drink 3 bottles of wine
on my own.

Jacques, you fabulous Frenchman! 

Thank you for suffering us. 

Been my pleasure. 
And don't forget to come back soon, huh? 

Merci monsieur
I don't kiss like that. 

You crazy Americans. 
- No kidding.

That means wait. 

Thanks dad. 

Langostas. You put them in the pot 
you boil them and you make a bisque. 

Watch your step. 

Lobsters, lobsters, lobsters, 
lobsters, lobsters ...

Ohh ... Aww, 

Whoa whoa whoa ... jailbreak huh?

Is this a rueful act or a mistake?
Are you trying to free these things?


I got a leg cramp.

I see.

What are you doing here?

Does it matter.
- Why?

I'm with my Japanese guys doing business.
Does my breath stink?

- Damn.

Listen, I was talking to the big guy, Kanagae 
and he's got a brother who plays canasta

With some Chinese diplomats.
Would that interest you? 

What are you talking about?

Come over here. 

Ohh, my ass is in love with this bed.
- Yeah, this is the nicest one of the bunch.

Yeah, good.

Anyway, so I talked to this guy Kanagae, 
and he claims ... y'know these people?

Yeah, they're customers. 

They're good? 

They're cool. 

He thinks he can get a healthy Chinese baby 
on the black market for like 45,000 US.

- Chinese. Like you want.

He's got these kind of connections. 
He's an oil man. 

- So what do you think? 

The black market?
- Yeah. 

It sounds kinda shady. 

Does it?
Or does it sound awesome?!

It sounds like a bad idea.

Y'know, it's ... 

My little contribution, but um ... 

Parallel paths we pursue that way that's not working 
right now and I'll keep on going after my thing.
We'll see who wins.

- Ok.

Hey, you mind if I crash here 
for a little bit? 

Knock yourself out.

Ohh, gotta love this fucking bed 

Hey Bri, you got laid recently 
didn't you?

And don't fucking lie to me either.

- Hi. 

I'm here to see Harriet Lolly? 

- Yes.

Have a seat on the couch, make yourself comfortable. 
There's coffee, Red Bull and Cheezos around the corner. 

Just over there.
- Thank you. 

Uh, Happy, you have a visitor. 

Dude ... sir, what's your name? 
- Brian Weathersby.

Brian, you heard it. 

She'll be right out. 
- Thank you. 

You're welcome. 

Hi ... what are you doing here? 
- Hi, uh, you said to stop by. 

Wow, nobody honours that system. 

So old-fashioned. 

Well, that's how I roll. 
- That's great. 

Are you really busy? Right now? I could come back ...
- No ... no ... I'm not ...

I barely have a job,
so do you wanna see this? 


It's really fascinating. 
- Ok.

We're gonna have to lay low because my sister's 
on a warpath and she's a fucking sniper ... hey Doug. 

Oh, I'm sorry ...

Why don't we do it like 
we always do? 

Hey Hap. 
- Hi Conner. 

This is my friend Brian. 

Hey dude.
- Hi. 

You look like her old boyfriend
Doesn't he? 


How do you guys know each other? 

Uhm, Brian sold my father 
a mattress.

Oh, you work in the mattress store? 

Hey, you get me a good deal?

Probably not. 

Your shoulder's a lil tight. 
Yo Kim...


I gotta jack. 

Oh, here's my sister.


I'm Melanie Lolly.
- Hi, Brian Weathersby.

I look like a fucking' mannequin 
in this thing, don't I? 

No, absolutely not. 

Melanie sort of hosts the show.

- Will you just go to the monitor and check and see 

If I look like a massive wall of grey
- Yes, yes ...

I do? 
- No, you don't ... yes, I'll look at the monitor. 

Thank you.

Uh, what is that? 

Press the button. 

We sold like, 
800,000 of those things last year.

That's a uh ... 

Combination rape whistle, pepper spray 
mini brass knuckle key chain. 

Yeah, you laughed 
when I used one of those once.

She peppered a drunk guy in the valet line 
He was really old.

He was an old perv.

So do I look huge? 

No, shut up.
- You shut up. 

... Wait I'm not saying that this doesn't make 
any sense to me, I don't really know what "smackdown" is.

Well, this has been interesting. 

So, do you want to do something later? 


I'm having dinner with my dad
if you wanna come? 



Do I have to get dressed up? 



I should check with work, though. 

Oh, are you open at night? 

... what?

It's called the Bobcat ... 

It's on 62nd Street, 
7:30, it's kinda Frenchy.

You've got 2 hours and 45 minutes 
to get ready.

Sorry, I got a little lost. 

Yeah, city's laid out in a perfect grid 
I can see how that can happen ...

Hi, I'm Brian. 


Brian, this is Ducky Settinstall. 
Ducky, meet Brian. 

He's recently started 
sleeping with my daughter. 

- Dad. 

Am I incorrect? Please tell me if I'm being incorrect.
- Albert ...

Bobby, another bottle of Merlot please.

Brian, am I correct?

Well, no. 

It's just been 
the one time in your car 

So if we do it again 

Then I think you could call it 
sleeping together, right? 


And how's the adoption going? 
Brian's in the middle of adopting 

A kid from China. 

Oh, so you would like ... 
- I don't get it. 

You've got fertile soil 
right next to you here.

Are you not planning on sticking around,
or is it an ammunition issue? 

- Harriet.

Why do you think you and Ducky 
don't make a formal commitment?

Is it because she works for you? 
You think it might be a conflict of interest 

So you just have
a hotel relationship? 

I think I'll have the lamb ...

... and a free sal salad ... 

I think I'll have the clams. 

So ... seriously,
I'm ... I'm just interested.

Suppose this Chinese baby plan works 

And you get the kid, 
what's the long term finance structure? 

Who's the mother? 
Who provides the feminine support? 

What happens when the kid 
gets her period?

I'm asking the tough questions. 

The long term finance structure? 

Yeah, I assume you make peanuts 
at the mattress factory, 

On a meagre salary? 

Well, I guess we'll just 
eat less food.

They don't eat a lot in China anyway,
and they're much healthier so ... 

It'll be some cost-cutting measures
like that, less food, no heat, et cetera

You won't be laughing 
when the tuition bills come in

And she wants a horsie 
or he wants a Countach.

What's a Countach?

It's ... it's a Lamborghini.
A car. 

Well, it sounds totally preposterous
somebody your age adopting a baby. 

No wife, 
No nothing.

But I admire it.

I admire the hell out of it. 

How old are you 
going to be anyway?

I'm going to be 29. 

Christ to a cracker! 

You speak Chinese? 
- I'm learning. 

I speak a little Mandarin, pretty fluent Thai but 
that's the extent of my Asian language. 

How much do you make in the job? 

Well, it's a commission-based thing so, 
the more I sell the more I make.

Believe it or not, 
I understand how commission works.

Now pipe down. 
Talk numbers. How much?

I generally sell 5 beds a month, 
and I get 5% 

Of the pre-tax sales. 

You make $700 every month? 

- That could work. 

You like Harriet? 
- Yes. 

She's had a tough go-over. You mess her up,
I'll kill your parents ... your parents still alive?

- Good. 

Let's go girls. C'mon up ...
Say goodnight to Brian.

Goodnight Brian. 

Dad, I think I'm gonna
walk with Brian.

Not this late at night you're not.
Get in the car. 

It's only 9:30. 

Suit yourself. 

Take the avenues, no sidestreets. 
Here here, take this. 

What's this? 

It's a switchblade. 
Don't lose it, I got it in Corsica. 

Bye daddy. 

Goodnight darling. 

Hey Larry.

Whoa, what up ... 

I was in the neighbourhood 

This is Harriet ... 

Oh ... 

How are ya? 


Nice to meet you. 
- Nice to meet you.

So, what are you up to?

Oh, me, I'm just having some dinner 
drinking some vodka. 

You, uh, you want some? 

Is that purple vodka? 

Yeah, just put a little 
extra shit in there. 

I'll have some. 
- Yeah. Brian? 

Uh ... sure, I guess.
- Alright. 

Let's do this.

You guys want a little bit 
of ethanol? 


There you go. One for you. 
One for you. 

One for me. 

Hey, uh, 
can we go down to the pool?

Yeah, sure. 

Yeah you wanna use the wee lil' key here. 

- No problem. Have a great time. 

Bye Larry. 
- Nice to meet ya. 

So what are we doing here? 

We swim. 

In the nude, I presume? 

Well, pretty much.

Let's go up here. 

Effectively combines
3 of my great fears.

The dark, heights,
public nudity. 

What if I'm scared? 

You're not. 

Yes I am ...
How do you know?

Well, I did it.

Good for you. 

Am I a virgin ... 

Being thrown into the snakepit? 
to honour the Kraken? 

I think we both know
that's not the case.

Can we have sex over there? 

Do you want me to go ask 
the security guard?

Sweden have a quarter of the available light 
we have here in the US.


And what does less light mean?
- Shorter days.

Yes, but more importantly
longer nights.

These motherfuckers know how to 
get themselves some sleep.

Me, I sleep like the dead anyway 
but I cannot touch the Swedes, I'll tell you that.

They outsleep everybody, but ... 

They are some depressed, 
suicidal niggers ... I'll tell you that for nothin'

Where is that, Iceland? 
Anyway, be that as it may ... 

Can you hold on one second? 

- Yeah? 

Kenyatta called. 

This is Kenyatta. 
- Hey, Kennyata, it's Brian Weathersby.

Hey Brian. 

What's up man? 

You called me. 

Mmm no ... you called me 
I'm calling you back. 

Shit! You're right! 
They approved you. 

So so, listen man ... 
This is how it breaks down.

You are going to go to Hong Kong 
in a few months, and ... 

We have an international sister agency, 
they gonna handle it from there, hook you up, 

I just wanna say, congratu-fuckin-lations man, 
you did it. 

- So, uh I'll be in touch ... 

I'll probably have you come in and take care 
of some financial stuffs, but congratulations! 

Thank you. 
- You got it baby.

- Bye. 

As I suspected gents 
he didn't go for the black market idea.

No go. I'll call it off. 

I appreciate the effort though. I owe you all 
for the due diligence. This round's on me. 

Weathersby, how come you've never had a wife? 
Never a family. 

Just why, 
if you don't mind us asking. 

Well, you guys 
are happily married, right? 


Look where it got you, 
getting hand-pumped on a Tuesday night. 






Why have you 
never done it, John? 

It's ok to not be married. 

Yes, it is. 

I was close once. 
Hawaiian broad. 

What happened? 

We split, she married a college professor 
who brewed his own beer. 


What does it feel to study? 

Asian studies. 

Well, looks like 
it turned out well for everybody. 

Oh yeah, 
here I am with you fish-face perverts 

Fuck you, 
round-eyed drouchebag.

Douchebag, Nagata. 

Goddamn, if you don't try 
to squeeze an R in every word. 


Honey, you may wanna work the balls a little bit 
We're gonna be here all night. 

You want some goat stew? 

You made that? 

Hell, no. 

West Indian girl I know 
made it for me. 

It's damn good too. 
Real dark-skinned girl, ass like a beach ball.

That's your girl?
- Yeah.

Mmm mm .. body's tight ... 
No disrespect. 

- Hi. 

You're Roger. 
- Good guess. It's nice to meet you Happy. 

You fine-looking thing you. You want some goat stew?
- Sure. 

Be right back. 

So what's the big news? 

Shall we get a cup of coffee
or somethin'?

I don't know ... depends on how serious 
this little meeting we're having is ...

Not serious. 

Here you go. 
One piping hot goat stew. 

Smells good. I'll leave you two 
lovebirds alone. Nice to meet you ... 

Or we can do it here. 

You're making me nervous. 

No, don't be. 
It's nothing really. 

How's your soup? 

A little ...

Ligamenty ... 

Well, you don't have to eat it if you uh ... 
- No, it's good.

So what is it? 

I got the baby. 

The baby, the baby?
- Yeah. 

I made the list. 
I'm going to China to get it 

And bring it back here. 

Wow ... that's so great.
- I know. 

Yeah, I know, it's crazy. 
On the one hand, I've been waiting 

For a long time ... 
- Uh Brian, I really wanna hear this, can ya just 

Hold this for one sec cause I just ... 
is there a bathroom I could use really quickly? 

Yeah sure, it's right over there. 
- This is really great Brian, really excited for you.

I'm so sorry I just run over that 
all these things that I have to do. 

Like what? 
- Like, just stuffs for the show and some other things. 

I could come with you, this place is ...
- No, cause I just remembered I have a doctor's appointment 

It's for my ... 
- Gynaecologist? You just remembered you had a gynaecologist to see 

Yeah, so I have to go,
but I'll call you later and uhm 

I'm super-psyched for you. 

Thanks. My family's having a dinner 
to celebrate tomorrow night. 

Can you come? 
- Sure.

You could bring your dad if you want. 
- Great. 




- Yeah, who's this?

It's Harriet. 
- Harriet? How are you dear? 

I'm okay. 
- Oh God, good to hear your voice.

Thanks. Uhm ... 
What are you up to?

Oh, you gotta get out here and see me. 
It's been too long, dear. 

Yup, where are you, exactly? 
- This is the new place, the New Mexico house.

I thought it's Naples, Florida, 809? 

The uh,
the Florida house. 

When did you move out there?
- We come here for the polo season ... 

And Paul's car show. 

Is Paul the new boyfriend? 
- He is.

Great. What does he do? 
- Nothing, he likes cars and he owns a few ponies. 

What are you up to?
- I'm relaxing, just here with some of my lady friends 

And we're just doing what we do. 
Why don't you come here and I'll pay for everything. 

Uhm, maybe, yeah it's ... it's tough. 
I actually just called to ask you something.

Well, I don't know 
what you could possibly ask me. 

Well sort of a general question, mom. 

Y'know I still get these alumni newsletters 
from Graaten 

Do you want me to hold on to them, 
I could put them in an envelope for you or somethin'

No, it's okay. 

Anyways, can I just ask you this thing? 
- Alright, if you feel like you must. 

I'm seeing this guy 
and he's about to ... 

Anyways I was with him ... 
and I got really nervous and I ... 

Went to the bathroom and I threw up everywhere.
- You're ill? 

No, I'm not ... I'm not ill. 
I just went to the bathroom and threw up everywhere 

I just wondered if you had
ever done anything like that. 

Honey, you probably got a microbial virus or some type
of toxic food poisoning. Did you eat from a deli?

No mom, I didn't eat from a deli.
- Sweetheart. Hang up, don't give the phone co. all of our money. 

You plan a trip, you come up and see me. 
I'll make you soup, and I'll put you in bed 

And read you a book. 
You need to get healthy. 

Down. Come down and see you. 
- Good.

Will you say hello to your father for me? 
And tell him I need to talk to him? - Ok.

Alright, beautiful. 

I haven't been in an office 
in 20 years. 

This is different? 
- Where are the offices? 

These are them. 
- Hmm ... these pens ... 

... These aren't offices. Where do you
hang your topcoat, your diplomas, your artwork? 

So sorry to keep you guys waiting 
I'm Kenyatta ... 

Kirby Weathersby.
- Nice to meet you. 

Your son has been very diligent about this 
and he's a rare case ... 

Oh yeah he's been talkin' bout it his whole life 
- Is that right? 

For his 8th birthday, 
I got him a bike. 

Chrome mongoose. He ran to his room crying, 
said he wanted a baby, a Chinese baby for that matter. 

Well, let's get down to some specifics, shall we?. 
Oh, can I get either of you somethin' to drink? 

I'll take a bourbon. 

Dad? They don't do that.
- No?

Oh, great. 
Nothing for me, thanks. 

So, uhm, thanks for coming in. 
Obviously you'll be the baby's primary sponsor ...

Brian ... and 
Mr. Weathersby...

Kirby, please. 

Kirby, your wife and two boys, John and James, 
will be the baby's secondary guardians, is that right?

Ok, great. Just sign here and here Ok, 
and initial here.

- Thank you.

So Brian, looks like you'll be headed over to Hong Kong 
in 2 months, you'll spend 2 weeks there. 

And then you'll be returning here 
to New York with the baby. 

This is terrific. 

Brian, let's go celebrate. 
Kenny, would you care to join us? 

Uh y'know I would love to 
but I've got work to do here 

Here's what you do, tell your girl to hold all 
your calls and you pop out for a quick one with us.

Well, I don't have a girl, Kirby. 

Who makes your appointments? 
Who takes your drycleaning in? 

I do. 

You do? 
Mercy, Lord, that's tragic. 


Hey dad, this is Octavio, 
he was just gettin' going. 

Not on my account he won't.
- No, no, I've kept him long enough. 

Take care Octavio. 


- So?

I'm going to cooking school. In France.
- Alright. 

I just signed up online. 

Why not take on another career? 
Blazed through 5 in 5 years. 

- You're on pace for some kinda record.

Well, I'm sorry, but chef school ... but I've never 
seen you do anything but pour cereal. 

Y'know what, 
I really need your support right now. 

I'll give you whatever you need. 

Ok, thank you. 

Sure this isn't 
coming from somewhere else? 

Like what? 

Like uh ... like your friend.
- What about him? 

Did he hurt you? 


He told me he loved me. 
- He did? 

Yes ... sort of. 
And I sort of love him. 

But now, I'm gonna y'know commit myself 
fully to this, ok? 

Well, it's a swift change, 
but whatever you need I'll support you. 

Some of the most important decisions we make in life 
are done in a matter of minutes, even seconds

It's your life. 
Do as you will. 

He's asleep? 
- Yup, knocked out cold.

Well, should we get out of here?

Y' think she might show up for some dessert? 
- We already ate it.

Oh yeah,
that'd be the plates of cake huh? 

I'm sure she got tied up 
with something important.

Just make sure she's alright.
Call her, drop by her place. 

Well, get him home, 
I'm gonna figure this thing out. 

Hey, congratulations big guy. 
I'm so happy for you, Brian.

Thanks mom. 

Go get her, sport. 
- Bye.

That's gonna end poorly? 
- Jonathan?

It's just the way I see it, mom. 

Women, present company excluded, are liars, thieves,
and a categorical waste of time and resources.

You're a fool. 
- Yeah, I've been called worse. 


How bout dessert? 
- Let's go. I'll get the coats. 

... You're crazy ... 

- Hi. 

How are you doing? 
- Umm, I'm a little cramped. 

I'm sorry about dinner.

What happened? 

I was at work and we couldn't get 
any cell service when we were taping

but then Melanie was kinda like in my ear the 
whole day and I left my phone in my purse and ... 

Just kind of ... 

Is that a lie? 

Kind of.
- Ok.

Do you wanna come upstairs?

How was your dinner?

I'm sorry. 

This is definitely my fault. 

I just have so much 
I wanna tell you. 

First, I wanna tell you that ... 

I care for you. 
I really do. 

Never met anyone like you. 


I'm just so fucked up.

I don't have a real job ... 
never had a boyfriend ...

Never really been in love.

It's just a lot. 
It's too much. 

You're about to have 
a fuckin' kid, Brian. 

I know.

I understand ... 

It's disappointing, but ... 

I guess I had to know 
one way or the other. 

I feel like shit. 

I am shit. 

I'm gonna go to chef school. 
Next week, in France. 

What? I didn't know ...
- Neither did I, but I speak French, so ...

It's gonna be a fresh start ...
- Can I have a little more vodka?

Well, I think our work here 
is done. 

No Brian, don't go like that. 
- Sorry ... 

At least be mad at me ... 
- Sorry, I've got too much to be worried bout right now 

I'm going to go ... 
- Please just stay a little while? 

Sorry, that would be 
a little fucking easy.

You're really enjoying your  
self-righteousness now, aren't you?

I've an international power converter 
thing in my apartment if you need it. 

I got it in France
when I was 18.

You don't understand.

There's ... something going on 
for a long time. 

Hello ... 

- Uhh, we're on our way. 

Now when I get to the house, 
I press the button with your name on it?

What I don't understand is, how is the button 
big enough to hold your name? 

Name is next to the button, dad. 

Oh oh ok ... and the porter will clear it? 
- There's no doorman, dad. 

No porter? what d'ya mean, you mean no one? 
- No.

Who does your shoes? Who take care of deliveries? 
- Dad, just ring the buzzer 'n I'll buzz you up. 

Ok? You'll figure it out when you get here?
- Ok ok ... alright, see you there. Bye ...

How do ya shut this off? 

Uhmm ... right there. 
- Hit the green, no, hit the red. 

Thanks for the cellphone. 
He's living in squalor.

- Hi. 

I thought you'd already gone. 

My plane is supposed to leave tomorrow, but I thought
I'd come by and get the power converter. 

What happened to your face? 

Uh ... a pickup game. 
- A pickup game? 

Yeah, some fratboys. 

Well, are you having a party? 

My folks are coming by and 
my brothers are coming too. 

Oh, God ... 
is there someone here? 

Maybe I should leave.

- This is the little one. 

I thought you had to go to China. 

Uh, no, the agency called, this couple 
in Long Island flipped out and got cold feet. 

she's yours?

Went out there last week, and we're 
celebrating one week together today. 

This is May. 
- Did you pick that? 

No, but I like it.

Me too. 
She's beautiful. 

Yeah, I think so too. 

Let me get that thing. 
- Oh.

Oh, the door? 
- Yeah, can you please buzz that? 

Stay there. 

Uh, think this is it. 

Should work in all of Europe. 

Brian, I wanted to talk to you 
a little bit more. 

Well, my entire family is bout to walk thru the door.
- I know, I just wanted to apologise 

For acting out the other night and I'm really sorry
for being so weird and I just wanna tell you that 

Alright, let's have a little look 
at the little Samurai. 

Samurai's Japanese, dad. 
- Akibonos, the little panda, where's she? 

Oh my God!

She is the most darling thing I've ever seen. 
Can I hold her? 

Oh thank you. Barbara, we gotta apply 
and get one of these. 

You did it! 
So damn proud of ya! 

This is not just champagne. 
- Hey, everyone ...

This is ... 
this is Happy. 

Oh I thought you were goin' off to become a chef, Happy.
- Yeah, well, I uhmm ...

I signed up for a cooking school 
on the internet ... 

It doesn't exist because it dissolved in 2004 
and they didn't update the website ...

I see ...
- But I'm gonna study here in the city ... 

Marvelous! That's fantastic, because we need 
someone in this family who can cook. 

Because frankly, Barbara don't get ya nose outta the joint,
collectively we can't make buttered toast. 

John Weathersby.

Nice to meet you. 
- Get outta here. 

A toast, Brian? 

Why don't you do it Grandpa? You're good at it. 
- Mm, good ... I'll take that bait. 

I'm James.
- Hi, I'm Happy. 

Since brevity is the soul of wit 

And tediousness its limbs 
and outward flourishes

Therefore, I shall be brief. 

- That's William Shakespeare, boy. 

May ... 
a new child, a new life, a new family ...

Welcome, little May ... 
and love ... love love love

You're in good kind hands.
And here's to many many happy birthdays to come

And I'll be at every one of them! Salud!
- Salud!

Brian, have you got any beer in the fridge? 
- No. 

Happy darling, would you like to come and ... 
to a deli and see if we can pick up some beer? 

There's a deli ... two blocks that way 
oh it's in here, the elevator ... 

Happy, I don't drink beer.

It's okay dear. 
- I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry. 

I really wanted to come to the dinner.
- It's okay.

I called my mother the other day.
She ...

She didn't know 
who I was at first. 

She doesn't call me on my birthday 
I'm sorry. 

When is your birthday? 

Uh ...
June 9th.

I was half a geezer, 
when I had that boy. 

He's been sweet 
his whole life. 

But he never had the family 
the other kids did. 

Everyone thought that we were 
his grandparents. 

He told his teacher once his real parents'd died in
a car crash and his grandparents took him on.

He did? 

Well, he was confused I guess. 
I don't blame him. 

It wasn't disloyal, he was just trying to make 
everything seem normal, I suppose. 

But nothing's normal. 

You guys seem pretty normal. 

We're not. 
You have a right to be worried I'm afraid. 

I'm just afraid that I fucked 
everything up beyond repair. 

Nothing's fucked up. 
Nothing's beyond repair. 

Thank you. 

You're welcome. 
Shall we go back? 

This could use a wall light 
or some kinda industrial screw. 

The pipe looks strong enough, the rope looks 
strong enough, leave the damn thing alone. 

Welcome back girls. 
Have a seat. 

Now, Happy ... 

For your benefit, 
I want you to know that 

For the kids when they were born I would 
make a piņata of a famous dictator,

Fill it with bitter honey. 

John, uh, had Stalin. 

James had Mussolini, 

And Brian, had Pol Pot. 
You see the progression? 

And this is
Colonel Muammar al-Gaddafi.

Let's whack him. Now Happy, since May 
can't exercise her own honour, I'm sure

She would want you to be the proxy whacker. Ok? 
- Ok. 

Blindfold her please.
- Yes sir.

Uhm Happy, you won't be able to break it
with the first burst. You're only going to ... 

Put a start on it because of its 
superior workmanship. 

Over here. 

Attagirl. Straight. 

Here here, gimme that baby. 
C'mon c'mon ... 

Brian, there's a deuce loose in the caboose 
and I'm not well-versed in that detail. 

Champagne, cocktails, drinks ... c'mon everyone 
we must drink up, today is one big fuckin' day ...

Special thanks to SergeiK.