Good Dick Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Good Dick script is here for all you fans of the Jason Ritter and Marianna Palka movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Good Dick quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Good Dick Script

  
  
Hi.

  
- Just these?
- Yeah.

  
Uh... Can I make a suggestion?

  
I thought this looked like it had amazing
potential too, but it is actually really bad.

  
It's, like, two definitely underage
European girls.

  
...hitchhiking through
the most unattractive shots of Germany...

  
...greasy fat guys,
like, basically, raping them.

  
L- i-i-it's a turn-off.

  
We should probably move it
to a different section - Like "bad".

  
Um...

  
- Do you wanna pick out something else?
- No, thanks.

  
- Are you sure? We're open till midnight.
- Just these.

  
Just these three, then?

  
OK.

  
- Will you, uh?
- Yeah.

  
How're you doing?

  
Great.

  
OK. Get that.

  
Two seconds.

  
Due back Friday before midnight.

  
Dude.

  
You can't talk to the porn customers.

  
...the same way you talk to the ones
who are renting Truffaut for the 12th time.

  
- That was an incredibly odd exchange.
- Thanks, dude.

  
I think it's cool.
Now we know she's not mute.

  
- We're in a new period of time.
- McDonald's on every corner in Poland.

  
- Right, dude?
- Yep.

  
Think we're free cos we can choose
between a latte or a mocha in Starbucks?

  
- That's not freedom, man.
- Bad situation. Bad situation.

  
History's cyclical.
It's all gonna come back around.

  
- Bullshit! We're all fucked.
- You guys been watching Charlie Rose?

  
We are changing
what it means to be human.

  
Oh, come on. I mean, we've always been
changing what it means to be human.

  
The pendulum has to swing all the way to
the extreme before it swings back again.

  
Pendulum? What are you talking about?
I'm talking about the end of the world.

  
- Good night.
- Later, dude.

  
- Hello?
- Uh...

  
- Delivery.
- What?

  
UPS.

  
One moment.

  
Hi.

  
- Don't I know you from the video store?
- I was there yesterday.

  
Yeah, yeah!

  
Hey, uh, maybe we could... Oh!

  
...uh, just get a coffee or something?

  
Just as friends or film buffs?

  
- Can we rent all of these?
- Can we rent all three?

  
- Please. We love Alain Delon.
- Sure.

  
When are they due back?

  
- What?
- How long can we rent them?

  
Uh, Wednesday before midnight.

  
Hey. It's me.

  
I have a friend in the building.

  
I just wanted to let you know,
cos yesterday...

  
Uh, anyway, I, uh...
I have a present for you.

  
It's a really great one.
OK. L-I'd still like to take you out.

  
We could go to the, um...

  
Museum of Jurassic Technology.
Do you know about that place?

  
I'm really great at picking out films
for people.

  
It's... it's a gift I have.

  
If you can even call this a film.

  
- This is from the video store?
- Oh, yeah.

  
Uh, yes, it is.
But, you know, no charge, or...

  
- I'll return it with the others.
- Cool.

  
Oh, when you know me
there aren't any late fees, so...

  
Hope you enjoy it.

  
- Hi.
- Yes?

  
What did you think?
Can I come in?

  
- No. No!
- Can I come in for a second?

  
My... Great-aunt
had to go to the hospital.

  
What?

  
She's the one who lives in the building.
Guess I'm looking after her place now.

  
But did... Did you wanna
get some breakfast or something?

  
- I could really go...
- No.

  
Don't ask me again.
It's a waste of time to keep asking me.

  
I'm sorry about your aunt.

  
I hope she's OK.

  
So that's a black mamba.
First deadliest snake in the entire world.

  
Hey, here she comes.

  
Hey.

  
I don't know what the second deadliest is.
You said taipan?

  
Go away!

  
- No, please. Something's happened!
- Go away! I'll call the super!

  
No, please. I need your help.
She died.

  
She's dead.
Please can I come in?

  
I don't have anyone.
I'm all alone.

  
She died.
I don't have anyone.

  
- Oh, fuck! What is that thing for?
- It's in case you fucking try anything.

  
Um, can I open some windows?
I just feel like I can't breathe.

  
Talk.

  
I was gonna talk.

  
About my great-aunt.

  
Talk then.

  
Well, um...

  
...you have a really nice apartment.

  
- Which apartment did she live in?
- Uh...

  
- Is this trash?
- Yeah.

  
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna throw it away. OK?

  
OK.

  
You wanna know something
my great-aunt said tonight?

  
What?

  
She said, um, "Knowledge is when
you learn something new every day...

  
wisdom is when
you let something go every day. "

  
Emerson said that.

  
- You know that quote?
- Yeah.

  
She didn't come up with that one
on the spot tonight, sorry.

  
Well, anyway, she knew the quote.

  
I knew your aunt.

  
I'd see her at the mailbox downstairs.
She always said hello to me.

  
Um...

  
It's OK to watch erotica.
And I say that as a lifelong Catholic.

  
Catholics are pervs.

  
- Not me.
- Well, you're not a priest.

  
You're right.
I am not a priest.

  
No one really gets fucked in the films
you rent. There's no penetration.

  
And I also understand the allure of the
old battered VHSs. They're like antiques.

  
I don't wanna talk about it.

  
Yeah, OK.
Neither do I.

  
I think you just call it
that place between your collarbones.

  
Is it the sternum?

  
Yeah. Maybe.

  
Anyway...

  
I gotta go to bed.

  
I'm really sorry about your aunt.

  
Um...

  
Could I...
maybe sleep on your couch tonight?

  
Um...

  
Hey, why are you late?

  
You know it's Simon's day off.

  
- I have never been late before.
- I know.

  
- I thought you were dead.
- Sorry. I am so sorry.

  
Your mamus called.

  
- Oh, fuck! That's right, it's Wednesday!
- Yeah.

  
Yeah, she had a bit of an emotional
outburst cos you missed your phone date.

  
You've never been late before.
She started screaming at me in Polish.

  
- I've had to smoke this to relax.
- I'm sorry.

  
That'll be her.
Every ten minutes for a solid two hours.

  
She's scaring Derek.

  
Czesc mamus.

  
- She's messed up, Simon.
- You don't know that, dude.

  
She just doesn't love me. And me having
this whole lot of love for her doesn't help.

  
I've been thinking
about the great writers.

  
How many of them were really in love?
In love for decades?

  
None of them.

  
How many were in love with some girl
they were fucking at the time.

  
who didn't even love them back,
in this lonely torturous existence?

  
An empty fucking cave.

  
- Did you find her clit, Simon?
- What?

  
You know where her clit is, right?

  
I think so.

  
- You don't know?
- Yeah, I know.

  
So where is it?

  
- It's... it's... it's where everything...
- Where?

  
- It's where all the stuff is.
- It looks like the flux capacitor.

  
Oh, my God!

  
- Stop looking at me, Eric.
- I thought you knew.

  
This accounts for 90/ of your problems
with this chick, I swear.

  
- You don't know what it is, do you?
- It's an anatomical part of the female...

  
...vagina.

  
Shut the fuck up, Derek.

  
- Do you know what it is?
- The clitoris? Yes, I do.

  
I am religious about the clitoris.

  
- Did you get the tape?
- Yeah, I got it.

  
You're liking them, right?

  
Shut up.

  
They're terrible, but...
but that's part of it for you, right?

  
Where's your cross?

  
Checking out my neck, huh?

  
- I know you're not Catholic.
- Yeah. Sorry.

  
No. It still counts.
I'd like you to wear it.

  
- It's better safety than a meat cleaver.
- Butcher knife.

  
This will keep you safer
than any butcher knife could.

  
Safe from you?

  
I guess. I mean, you feel like
you need protection, so...

  
- Whoa! Before you put it on!
- What?

  
I have to wash your hair.

  
You can't wear a cross with dirty hair.

  
Argh!

  
- Oh, I hate this!
- It's almost done.

  
- The water's getting in my eyes.
- It is not. I'm being careful. You know it.

  
OK.

  
OK. Done.
You're done.

  
OK. Come here.

  
Here. Sit right...

  
Polish people wash each other?

  
Yeah.

  
- I've never heard of that before.
- How many Polish people do you know?

  
None.

  
- You know me.
- Not really.

  
- This will keep you safe.
- You said that already.

  
- Let me put it on.
- No. I have to put it on.

  
Fine.

  
But don't brush my hair any more.
I'm... Don't like it.

  
"I'm don't like it. "

  
Do... Do you wanna watch
one of your... Movies?

  
Do you wanna watch one together?

  
You have to go or I'll get upset.
Don't upset me.

  
OK.

  
I'm going.

  
We'II... Do it another time.

  
I care about you.

  
Wake up, buddy.
Hi. Excuse me.

  
What?

  
Roll down your window, please.

  
Uh... Yeah?

  
You can't be, uh,
sleeping in the parking lot.

  
Um, yeah. My wife kicked me out
for the night, but, uh...

  
Yeah. I'm sorry. Um...
It's a one-time thing. Won't happen again.

  
I know, I know. It's just we saw you
for the past six nights or so. So...

  
Yeah, I know. Um...

  
She kicked me out a while ago, but I'm
about to get back into her good graces.

  
But I shouldn't
be sleeping in the parking lot.

  
Cos, see, if we catch you again
we're gonna have to call the cops.

  
And my boss wanted to call the cops this
morning, but I wanted to warn you first.

  
- Thank you. Thanks a lot.
- I'm assistant manager.

  
Yeah. Cool.
All right. Um...

  
All right. I'm leaving now.

  
Watch your fingers.

  
Bye.

  
- She doesn't want to see me.
- I'm so sorry, man.

  
I don't ever want to talk about this again.
So, um...

  
It's weird that
that girl stopped coming in.

  
- Which girl?
- That weird one.

  
- How long's it been?
- About a week.

  
- She came in every day.
- Late afternoon.

  
Yeah. It's been ever since
loverboy here scared her away.

  
Told you she's weird, man.

  
She's probably sitting
in a garbage can...

  
...still embarrassed
you tried to talk to her.

  
- Isn't it your day off?
- Yeah, what are you, a loser?

  
I was getting some groceries
in the neighbourhood, Simon.

  
You live in Echo Park.

  
Yeah, I still need groceries.

  
All the stores in this neighbourhood
are Pan-Asian.

  
Fuck off, you guys, OK?

  
Maybe I wanted to make a stir-fry.

  
Plus there's, like, ten grocery stores
within a mile of your house, dude.

  
I like the breeze on this side of town.
It's... Ocean breeze. It... Clears my head.

  
Yeah. Just admit it, dude.

  
- What?
- You have no life.

  
Is this because of that bitch
whose clit you could never find?

  
Derek!

  
You're an imbecile.

  
I'm never talking to you again.

  
Agh!

  
- Dude.
- He bothers me, man. A lot.

  
- Have a heart. They just broke up.
- I don't care. He really bothers me.

  
I'll sit behind you, like this,
so you don't see me.

  
- OK? And I won't make a sound.
- Not a word.

  
Promise.

  
- Do you have a cellphone?
- No.

  
I can't do anything while you're here,
so it kind of ruins it for me.

  
- Kind of boring if you aren't getting off.
- Shut up.

  
- You said you wouldn't talk.
- You talked to me.

  
I can do that. I can talk to you.
You can't talk to me.

  
Plus, I just thought of one more rule.

  
If you get a boner...

  
...you're out.

  
- Well...
- Hey.

  
Hold down the fort, OK?
Eric and I are going next door.

  
And, uh, Simon's in the back.
Don't tell him where we went.

  
He'll miss me too much.

  
Which movie?

  
OK. Cool.
Is it from the '70s?

  
Well, tell me which decade!

  
I doubt it. Why would I like it?
You think I'm gonna like it that much?

  
I hate this.

  
I hate this shit. I hate all of this bullshit!
I can't believe you thought I'd be into this!

  
God, I am so bored.

  
Oh, how big is this guy's dick,
would you say?

  
It's hard to tell.

  
Not as big as mine, though.

  
What?

  
Your penis is not even half of that,
I bet.

  
Excuse me.
How would you know?

  
I've seen it, bulging out your pants,
and it's not that.

  
So, been checking out my bulge!

  
- Don't call it a bulge.
- When was this?

  
I don't even remember. I just remember
thinking there's probably not much to it.

  
Mm. You must have me
confused with someone else.

  
Look, I don't care.
The size, I don't care.

  
It's just really pitiful if you lie about it.

  
OK. That guy is, what?
What would you say?

  
- I'd say I don't care.
- No, let's make a bet.

  
If I am bigger than that guy,
then I get to sleep in your bed tonight.

  
No.

  
Come on! It's a fair bet.

  
If I am bigger than that guy, I win!

  
- It's so late! No touching...
- No touching?

  
No touching, I swear. I can't sleep out here
again. I get so cold. It's desert cold.

  
- What do I get if I win?
- What do you want if you win?

  
I want you to not talk at all
when you come over here.

  
Just make the food,
we'll watch the movie.

  
...and you don't speak.

  
I can do that.

  
OK, well, proportionally,
let's say he's eight.

  
- Eight and a half.
- Sure.

  
- Let's say eight and a half.
- Well, let's just say he's eight.

  
You have to be bigger than him to win.
Remember?

  
OK. Uh, well, how do you want to measure
me? It has to be erect to make it fair.

  
- Fuck that!
- I do! He is fucking erect!

  
Fine!
You measure yourself, though.

  
- I'm not fucking touching you.
- Fine.

  
OK. Um...

  
Are you gonna put a sock over it
or something?

  
- Over my cock?
- Don't fucking say "cock".

  
- Over my... Dick?
- Ugh.

  
- You're such a pig.
- Over my... Pee-wee?

  
- This is why you shouldn't talk.
- OK. OK. So...

  
...confirming if my... Penis is bigger
than eight-and-a-half inches...

  
I get to sleep in your bed tonight.

  
Use one of your socks to cover it.
I don't wanna see it.

  
W- well, how will you be sure how big it is
if you don't see it?

  
I'll observe from over here.

  
OK.

  
Um...

  
I just have to concentrate.

  
OK.

  
I mean it, I will call the police
if you rape me.

  
I'm here every night. Don't you think
I would have tried by now?

  
- Just don't do anything, OK?
- OK!

  
It's cold in your house
in the middle of the night.

  
It gets pretty cold.

  
I'm not trying anything.

  
Can I just...
put my back up against yours?

  
OK.

  
This is called plecki o plecki.

  
My Polish grandmother, babcia,
used to make us sleep like this, in pairs...

  
when we were kids.

  
She did it as a kid, too. It was the only
way they kept warm during the winter.

  
Plecki o plecki.

  
They lived in a hut and she didn't
get her period until she was 
  
...cos she was so malnourished.

  
Plecy are your back.

  
I mean,
all your back muscles are one thing.

  
But "plecy" is plural.

  
That's nice.

  
I love this.

  
Was your great-aunt Polish too?

  
Um, yeah.

  
It feels like we're connected.

  
I started my period.

  
- Let's go out.
- I don't like LA.

  
- What? You live here.
- I don't go out to places, I mean.

  
- You're touching me again.
- I know.

  
On the first day of their period,
girls are sick...

  
...so even if I was a normal girl, I still
couldn't go anywhere with you today.

  
You are normal.

  
- Hey, do you want some tea?
- Yeah.

  
- Honey?
- I don't have any.

  
I brought some for you.

  
Honey's better than sugar.

  
Honey's better than sugar?

  
I bought it for you.

  
Fuck.

  
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

  
I'm fucking... Fucking...

  
I'm fucking. I'm fucking.

  
I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come.
I'm gonna come.

  
Uh! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

  
What do you think?

  
- I think you're funny.
- You thought that was funny?

  
Yeah.
Can I do it to you now?

  
Great.

  
Uh, whatever you want.

  
Uh, the same fish
I made last week.

  
We'll chowder the halibut.

  
OK, I'll see you after I'm done.
Bye. Thanks for calling.

  
- Who's that?
- A customer.

  
"See you after I'm done"?

  
It's a movie.

  
- Really?
- Yeah.

  
It's a Scottish...

  
...movie.

  
I got some sleep for the first time in a long
time, having you in the bed last night.

  
- That's good.
- Get off!

  
- Night, you guys.
- Auf Wieder.

  
- What?
- Auf Wiedersehen.

  
- I'll see you guys tomorrow.
- Not if I see you first.

  
- Not talking to you.
- All right, goodbye, Simon!

  
Come on, guys.

  
- I should probably head.
- Sit.

  
Want one?

  
- No, Eric.
- OK.

  
Why do you always ask me?
It gets annoying.

  
Dunno. Polite.
One day you might want one.

  
- I don't smoke.
- OK.

  
I went past your place yesterday.

  
Huh?

  
I went past where your apartment should
have been. It was a huge pile of rubble.

  
It's demolished, man.
Wire fence, cement mixers...

  
Yeah, I moved.

  
- Where to?
- Another apartment.

  
When?

  
- A few months ago.
- Why didn't you say anything?

  
I didn't think it was a big deal.

  
- Are you living in your car again?
- No!

  
So you haven't spent
one night in that car?

  
- Dude...
- I knew the minute I drove up!

  
- Listen to me. I have a place to go!
- Great. Awesome. Let's see this place.

  
- Should I drag you?
- No! No! No!

  
What the fuck, man?
What's going on?

  
Are you using again?

  
I have a place.
A nice place.

  
I can't explain it to you.
Just trust me.

  
- Trust me, man!
- I know! I do!

  
It's funny? You make me feel like a moron
for ever caring what happens to you.

  
- Don't feel like a moron.
- Fuck you, man. Fuck you!

  
- Let's go see this place now. Come on.
- No! No!

  
You can't see it.
I... It's...

  
- What, is it a place only you can see?
- No. It's messy!

  
- It's messy?
- Yeah. It's a mess.

  
I talk to you about everything,
and I'm always, always honest with you.

  
- Eric.
- No. You don't wanna talk to me...

  
I don't wanna talk to you. Over.
Go sleep on the beach.

  
Get fucked in the ass all night long,
cos I don't care any more, man. Done.

  
- Eric!
- No, I'm going home.

  
I haven't masturbated in a long time.

  
I'm getting really sick of you.

  
- Annie Sprinkle?
- Yeah.

  
Um...

  
She does really great pro-women stuff,
apparently.

  
Eric gave this to me. I should have
watched it a long time ago.

  
- What's it called?
- Um...

  
Zen Pussy.

  
There's, uh, 11 different girls.

  
No penises, so you'll like it.

  
It's just extreme close-ups of vaginas?

  
Fast-forward.
See if there's anything else on here.

  
Mm.

  
Oh, fucking!
Turn it off!

  
- Should I?
- Yeah. Fuck!

  
OK. I thought, uh...

  
That was... Oh, Jesus. Fuck!
That was so fucked up. I'm about to cry.

  
- That was just, like, gynaecological.
- Ooh!

  
"11 vulvas. "

  
I... I really think you'll like it.

  
So what's the deal?
Is it porn?

  
Uh...

  
I don't wanna spoil it.
Just take it home. You'll love it.

  
OK.

  
I trust your judgement.

  
So what's, um...

  
what's the deal with you and Eric?

  
- He's not talking to me.
- Yeah.

  
Why?

  
Uh... You should just ask him.

  
You're not really that easy to talk to.
You should know that.

  
- It's playing next door, I think.
- At the Nuart, yeah. Yeah.

  
I was thinking,
since she liked Kieslowski so much...

  
...and I know you wouldn't want to
go see the film alone, and...

  
If we all went with you, it might be a little
bit better for you, man. Maybe make you...

  
Derek, are you saying you want to
see a Kieslowski film with me?

  
- That's so romantic.
- Is there a midnight movie?

  
Maybe. Hey, we should all go.
What the hell?

  
- Yeah?
- Let's go check it out.

  
Yeah. Let's go check it right now.
Uh, you guys need anything?

  
Hey, hang on.
I'll go get some smokes with you.

  
What, are you scared
to be alone with me?

  
Uh, hey, it's me.
Um...

  
Listen, at midnight
they're playing a Kieslowski film...

  
...and I just wanted to see
if you wanted to come.

  
It's gonna be really good,
so, um... Come meet all the dudes.

  
All right. Hopefully I'll see you there.
It's at midnight. Bye.

  
- Where's dinner?
- Huh?

  
I thought you were gonna
bring pizza tonight. Mushrooms.

  
I don't wanna eat pizza
in the middle of the night.

  
- Well, I do.
- Well, you should get on that.

  
Why didn't you answer the phone
when I called?

  
- I was sleeping.
- Liar.

  
I called you a trillion different times, I left
you messages. I know you heard them.

  
What's your problem?
Why don't you want to meet my friends?

  
I don't have family here.
They're like my family.

  
You're so whiny and clingy and needy.

  
...and annoying.

  
What if I died,
and you had ignored my calls?

  
I'm not having this conversation.

  
You're never having any conversation.
You never talk to anyone.

  
You ignore my calls,
you ignore your father's calls.

  
I'm glad it's across the board,
not just me.

  
You ignore the guy
who delivers your water!

  
I want you to meet Eric and the dudes,
OK? I want to meet your dad.

  
Who the fuck do you think you are?

  
I don't give a shit about you.
When are you gonna figure that out?

  
I am your boyfriend.

  
What a fucked-up boyfriend-girlfriend
situation this would be.

  
We don't have sex.
I don't even like you.

  
- What happened to you?
- What?

  
Were you raped?

  
No.
Were you raped?

  
Were you assaulted?
Has anyone ever hurt you like that?

  
No.

  
I love you.

  
Just meet my friends.
They are the nicest guys.

  
You should find a girl
who can do that with you.

  
A girl you can fuck like a punching bag
whenever you want.

  
What?
It's a great solution to our problem.

  
- What is our problem?
- You're disruptive.

  
- What do you mean?
- You're disrupting my whole life.

  
What life? What do you do?
You don't do anything!

  
- Maybe I should start writing my memoir.
- Why are you always so pissed off?

  
- Just come out with my friends.
- I can't.

  
- It's simple. You just come.
- No!

  
I can't!

  
- I don't know, man. Is it like a yoga thing?
- Uh-uh. Just take it home. You'll like it.

  
It's a great title.

  
So I, uh, just talked to Eric.
He wouldn't talk about what's going on.

  
- This shit happens with friends.
- No, not with them.

  
Something's really wrong.

  
- What do you think happened?
- I don't know, man. Must be huge, though.

  
This is unprecedented behaviour
for them.

  
- Shit.
- I know.

  
That's a clit, by the way.

  
You're a little kid.
You work in a video store.

  
You don't have money for rent. You
don't have money for gas. It's pathetic.

  
- Me having no money?
- Yes.

  
You're a piece-of-shit excuse
for a person.

  
Well, I think it's pathetic to piss away
every day not doing a thing.

  
...except watching girls who are underpaid
and exploited rub up against each other.

  
Well, I'm sorry. I jerk off, too.
Live with it.

  
I would love to live with it.
That's my point.

  
Shut up.

  
Listen.
It is really fucking hard, OK?

  
I'm doing better than most. You don't
have to be so heartless all the time.

  
- You're a scrounger.
- I have a job.

  
I have a job, at least.
What the fuck do you do?

  
You have a shit job.

  
You have money.

  
You could be studying
anywhere on the planet, but no.

  
Hanging art on your wall that Daddy
got you as a present isn't a job.

  
You have a shit job, and people do hang
art for a living. They're called curators.

  
I know what a fucking curator is.

  
There is no reason
for you not to be with me.

  
You're searching.
It takes time.

  
We can do it gently.
We can go slowly.

  
Guide me - However you want. Remember
we talked about the vaginal dilator?

  
You're sexually deformed.
Do you want to live here?

  
Yes!
I wanna be with you!

  
Do you want me to buy you
a mink coat and some diamonds?

  
You're not staying here and fucking me.
I won't let you!

  
- I don't need your money!
- Well, we both know that's not true.

  
Nothing you can say
can hurt my feelings.

  
- What's the point of saying anything?
- I love you. This fight is over with.

  
I think you should take the vaginal dilator
and use it in your butt.

  
Get your dork friends to help.
Get out!

  
I'm staying here tonight, in your bed.

  
I am touching you,
and you're going to try it.

  
End of discussion.

  
What are you doing?
Who are you calling?

  
Give me the phone. This is not domestic
violence! This is not a police matter!

  
You're clogging up the line for people
who are really in trouble. Selfish as usual.

  
- You can't go to sleep. It's 4:30.
- I'm sleeping here.

  
OK.

  
- Hey! Rape! Help!
- Shut up. I'm not raping you.

  
- Rape!
- You wish. You wish I... Shut up!

  
Get me my book.

  
- Where is it?
- In the bedroom, on the dresser.

  
- Come and get it.
- Give it to me.

  
Just this, please.

  
Sure thing, Charlie.

  
Place looks good.

  
- Are you boys in love?
- Sorry, Charlie?

  
Love. Amour. Dancing.

  
Are you in love?
It's no use wasting away alone.

  
You need it. Fall in love.

  
Sure.

  
Fall in love quick.
With a girl or a boy.

  
Find someone.

  
- Thank you. We will.
- That's great advice, sir.

  
- You know what today is?
- It's your anniversary.

  
Yeah. She loved this film.

  
- Don't... Don't forget your tape, there.
- Oh, yes. Yes. Yes.

  
I mean it, boys.

  
Make it snappy.

  
You're getting old.

  
See you.

  
- Ah, thank you.
- Thank you, Charlie.

  
- See you next time.
- You bet. Take care.

  
So, anyway, I think,
as a general rule...

  
...if you committed yourself.

  
...to watching a sexual film
of a higher quality...

  
...um...

  
...meaning psychologically sexual -

  
...uh, European, thoughtful...

  
I'm never gonna have sex with you.
I'm frigid.

  
- Are you a virgin?
- No. I'm not.

  
Bless you.

  
- You're not frigid.
- How would you know?

  
Good sex isn't dumb or cheap
like the sex in porn.

  
Thank you.
I'm not a dumb-ass.

  
OK. Well, the stuff I'm going to bring over
will actually make you want.

  
...to think about having real sex.

  
Loving sex.

  
I've had a lot of sex.
I know what I'm doing.

  
Yeah, I bet you do.

  
You know, you're...
you're so ugly.

  
- Well, I know you find me attractive.
- Not at all.

  
Why don't you sleep in
your aunt's old apartment tonight?

  
Her old apartment freaks me out.
I know you find me attractive.

  
If I wanted to have sex,
I would go find someone sexy.

  
- Not like you.
- So you don't think I'm sexy?

  
I don't like your face.

  
Well, it's not your face
I like the most, either.

  
You're disgusting to me. The thought
of your penis is even more disgusting.

  
When have you ever seen a dick
that looked nice or smelled nice?

  
You should feel ashamed.
Limp or erect, it's sick.

  
You said "dick".
You never say "dick".

  
- Asshole.
- I think my dick looks nice.

  
That's because you're an idiot.

  
Aah!

  
You like this?
Is this what you want?

  
I'll take what I can get.

  
You'll take whatever I give you, huh?

  
I'll take whatever you give me.

  
I'll take it.

  
Oh, fuck!

  
I hate you!

  
- I couldn't help it.
- Get out, you fucking... Aargh!

  
No, it just happened. I wasn't gonna
do anything with it. You're beautiful.

  
- It's biology!
- Sicko fucking pervert!

  
- Biology. I wasn't gonna do anything.
- I can't believe I let you in my bed!

  
The sounds you were making were sexy.
I wouldn't do anything!

  
Now it could happen any time!
You said you wouldn't!

  
- No. It's gone now! It's gone now!
- It's gone now?

  
No, no! It's gone!
So you can stop stressing.

  
I'm stressed!
I can't trust you now, you fuck.

  
Pervert!

  
Stop. Stop.
I don't want to do this.

  
I can go back to just kissing the right
thigh. I can kiss your thighs all day.

  
- We can...
- Get up!

  
That was great. Step by step. That was
just what I was talking about. We can...

  
I want you to leave.

  
Huh?

  
I'm never seeing you again.
It's over.

  
What are you talking about?
This was good. This was progress.

  
Leave, or I'll scream.

  
- But...
- Leave. Leave.

  
- No.
- Leave! Leave! Leave!

  
- Leave! Leave! Leave!
- Don't do this. It's OK, it's OK.

  
- Leave! Leave!
- Please, please. We can figure this out.

  
Leave, leave,
leave, leave, leave, leave.

  
- Oh, no, no, no. It's...
- Leave!

  
Leave!

  
- OK. I'm going.
- Leave! Leave!

  
- Just this, then?
- Yeah, just that.

  
- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.

  
- Have a good night.
- You too.

  
- Hello.
- Hello.

  
Hey, baby.
How are you?

  
Nice.

  
I'm sorry to bother you.
I know you're busy.

  
No, you don't bother me. I wish
you stopped up here more often.

  
I just wanted to talk to you
because...

  
...uh, I have a job.
I mean, I have a job.

  
I got a job. So...

  
You got a job?
Oh, my God, that's so cute.

  
Yeah. I got a job.

  
And I wanted you to know because
I know you bought the apartment...

  
...but I'm moving out.

  
Renting a smaller place.
Cos I'd... I'd like to live in a different place.

  
- Uh...
- Right.

  
- Because I have a job now, so...
- Right.

  
What is your job?

  
Oh, you want it to be a surprise?
Are you working at a restaurant?

  
Nah, you're probably a terrible waitress.
Is it a... is it a strip club?

  
Because you'll have to start
working out a little more if that's what it is.

  
I don't wanna tell you
what it is or where it is.

  
It's just my job.

  
So, you've decided to become
financially independent at 24?

  
I guess you owe me
about three million dollars...

  
...if you consider all the therapy
and the clothes.

  
Listen, your apartment's paid for.
It's yours.

  
Uh, I called Bob and told him to...

  
well, he closed my account.

  
And, uh...

  
...here are the keys.

  
...to the... To my... To the car.

  
You've grown accustomed
to a certain lifestyle...

  
...and if you want to rough it for a while
with this job...

  
...then I understand that, OK?

  
But you need to
keep your accounts open.

  
I don't want your money any more, Dad.
I don't need it.

  
Hey. Sit down and shut up.
I want you to li...

  
Sit your ass down. Sit down!
You're being stupid.

  
I'm gonna talk to you
like an adult, for a change.

  
Have you even considered...
health insurance?

  
If you want to move to
a different apartment, fine.

  
I'll have Jared find some places.
You just tell me the neighbourhood...

  
I don't need to find a place.
I have a new place.

  
- Where is it?
- If you try to find me, I'll call the cops.

  
Sweetheart...

  
...the cops don't give a shit
what you have to say.

  
They don't care about what happened.

  
And don't ever, ever.

  
...fucking threaten me again.

  
Do you understand?

  
I'll call the press.
I'll call your clients.

  
I can go to Bob's office any time
and sign whatever you need me to sign.

  
He has my email address.

  
I don't love you.


Special thanks to SergeiK.