Good Luck Chuck Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Good Luck Chuck script is here for all you fans of the Dane Cook and Jessica Alba movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Good Luck Chuck quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Good Luck Chuck Script

All right, Kent!

Go, Hayley.

Seven minutes.

Go get 'em, cowboy.

See you in seven minutes.

Stu, run it by me again.

Kissing is first base.

Second base is boob.

- Third base is-
- Finger.

- Finger?
- Or thumb.


Charlie, trust me.

Second base is what
it's all about.

I'm all about
the boobies.

Anything else?

An intentional walk
is a kiss on the cheek.

An inside park home run
is a blow job.

What's a blow job?

I have no idea,

but I overheard
my dad saying

that he gets one
once a year on his birthday.

So it must be good.


You, me.


Seven minutes.


He's so gross.

Sorry, Jennifer.


Don't touch me.

Stand on that side
of the closet,

and I'll say we kissed.

I will... if you say
we did the nasty.

I'll say we kissed.

Say I touched
your boobies.

I'll say we kissed.


I kissed your boobies.


Stop staring.
You're freaking me out.

I'm looking at you
'cause I like you, Charlie.

It's okay.

Come on. You can
do what you want.

That's okay.
I'm kind of new at this.

Let me see your penis.

What's the matter?
Don't you want me?

Oh, my God!

That's my boy.

He's probably
blow-jobbing her.

I can't breathe!

I love you, Charlie.

I've loved you
since the third grade.

Um... thank you?

So you like to play
hard to get.

Back off!

I've read
in my mom's Cosmo

this is supposed
to increase pleasure.

Don't worry.
This is my first time, too.

First time what, killing?

No, Charlie.
Making love.

Get off me, you freak!

Charlie Logan, you are not
my boyfriend anymore.

I hex you!

You what?

I hex you.
You will never be happy.

Around you love will fall
like rain.

But you won't hold it.
Your heart will pain!

Once the girl
has been with you,

to the next she will be true!

Was that Phil Collins?

What happened?

Did you thumb her?

Charlie, we could get arrested
for public indecency.

I like the way you think.


All right!

Oh, my-
Oh, my God, Carol.

I love you.

I love you!

Thank you.

I love you, Charlie.

Oh, that's nice.

"That's nice"?

I'm licking the sand
off your balls,

and you say,
"That's nice"?

No, I said,
"Oh, my God" to that.

I said, "Oh, my God"
very enthusiastically about the ball lick.

Hey, listen, I'm sorry.

I just don't think the "L" word
should be thrown around casually.

The "L" word?
What are you, eight?

How about the "F" word
and the "you" word?

I can't believe
you and Carol went belly-up, man.

She was so into you.

Yeah, well, she was
a, uh, noisy eater.

It's that word, Stu: love.

I wanted to say it,
but I just- I couldn't.

How can I say something
if I don't feel it?

Easy. Lie.

What do you think
all relationships are based on, man?


"No, honey, your ass
looks great in those jeans. "

I love your parents. "

"You're kidding me. That sore right there?
That's not herpes. "

You know what I'm saying?

So, then, who are you
taking to Katie's wedding?

Oh, I don't know.
You want to go?

Do bridesmaids give head
in the coat room?

Of course I want to go!

You know how easy it is
to score at a wedding?

Have you ever scored
at a wedding?

Pacing myself.

Must be weird.

You were dating Katie
six months ago,

and now she's
marrying a doctor.

I'm a doctor.

He's a heart surgeon.
You're a dentist.

It's like saying
General Patton and Colonel Mustard

are both military men.

Hi, Dr. Stu.


I jerk off
to her mammograms.

God, I love my job.

Every day is like Christmas.

Who are you
working over today?

Dr. Charlie,
you're five minutes late!

You've got four fillings,
three cleanings,

two crowns, and a canal.

You've got too many patients,

and I've got too little patience

for you to be gabbing gossip

with Dr. Boob Jobs in the hallway.

How are you today, Reba?

Were you just
looking at my tits?

Because I am more than happy

with what the Lord Almighty gave me.

I wasn't looking at your-

Come on, Dr. Charlie.

I don't want anybody else

When I think about you,
I rub myself

I don't want
anybody else

When I think about you,
I touch myself

You are what-

Okay, you're my wingman.

If the blonde asks,

I'm the billionaire
who invented string cheese.

If it's that redhead,

tell her I wrote
"We Are the World. "

And, uh, if it's
that cheerleader hottie over there,

my penis is in
the Guinness Book of World Records:

girth, not length.

I want it to sound believable.

Holy shit.

Activate pelvis.

Yo, yo, yo, hold on
to your pantyhose.

The hostess
with the mostest

has got a toastess.

I just want to thank everybody

for coming to share
this day with us.

I couldn't imagine
being any happier

than I am right now.

Wait till tonight, sweetheart.

I know it's
a little unorthodox,

but I'd also like
to propose a toast...

to Charlie Logan.

Thank you, Charlie,
for being my lucky charm.

To Charlie!

- To Charlie.
- To Charlie.

So, you're that Charlie?

What Charlie?

You know, Charlie,
the- the dentist.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

- Oh, no. Are you okay?
- That's horrible.

- I'm all right.
- I didn't- I didn't mean to.

Sorry about that.

Oh, jeez.

Here you go.

- Thanks.
- Sure.

Oh. There I am.

Join us.

So, what did I miss?

Not much.

Same old-
I do, I do.

"You may
kiss the bride. "

White cake
with raspberry filling,

and the doves
being released,

but the doves
refuse to leave.

I'm Cam. I went
to college with the bride.

I'm Charlie.
I used to date the bride.

Me, too.

Well, no. I mean,
it was a one-time-only

experimental thing,
sophomore year.

We were young.
And drunk.

Is this person
being dipped in acid?

Waiter, could we
have some chloroform for the singer?

What are you going to sing?

I'm thinking about
doing Bon Jovi "Livin' On a Prayer. "

That's the one I was going to do.

- Oh, really?
- No.

So, Cam, what do you do?

I run the Penguin Habitat
at Aqua World.

Seriously, what do you do?

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

I'm a serial killer.

My passion is killing people
I meet at weddings.

What do you do?

You're under arrest.

Your run is over,
Miss "Wexler,"

if that's your real name.

Actually, I am a dentist.

You're a dentist?

You'll love me.
Perfect teeth. No cavities.

Want to see?

Oh, my! My legs!

I'm sorry.


Oh, no!

I'm sorry.

I'll just get in there and-

- That's all right.
- I'm sorry.

Let me see, let me see.

- Thanks.
- It looks like cum!

Well, here I am.

What are your other two wishes?

Stu, Cam.
Cam, Stu.

- Hi.
- Hi.

It's actually Doctor Stu.

I'm a reconstructive

If anyone has an accident
or is born with a deformity,

I'm there to help.

And by deformity,
he means small breasts.

He's just jealous

because he has to clean
plaque all day long

while I'm out
making the world a better place.

Cam, you will not
believe this doofus

that just tried to pick me up.

Oh. Hi.


- Again.
- Yeah.


I got to go.

Nice to meet you.

Tits and teeth.

I don't think
she was into me.

Say, uh, ladies-

Hey, you.


- You look great.
- Thank you.

So do you.

So, how are you and Carol doing?


We're just giving each other
a little space right now.

I worry about you
sometimes, Chuck.

Always a bridesmaid,
never a bride.

It's better
to have loved and lost

than to have never
loved at all.

I'll buy that when you can honestly
tell me that you have loved.


I just want to see you
happy, Chuckles.

Attention, hot mamas.

Can we have all
the single ladies

out on the terrace
for the tossing of the bride's bouquet?

See you.

Ready, ladies?




Morning, Reba.

Good morning, Dr. Logan.

Good morning, Doctor.

I think I have a cavity.

Me, too.

- Hey, Sharon. Is Stu in?
- Hi.

Oh, Dr. Logan.

Can you come back here
for a second, please?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
We need you.

Dr. Logan-

This is Pleasure.

Nice to meet you.

The pleasure's all mine.

Get it?

"The pleasure's all mine"?

My name is Pleasure.

That is... enormously clever.

We need
a second opinion.

What do you think?

Are they even?

So you knew they were even.

Of course they were even. I did them.

I just wanted you to see them

without having to pay
for a lap dance.

How did you get a license
to practice medicine?

You need a license?

Listen, have you noticed
anything different about me?

Other than your aversion
to fantastic, gigantic titties?

Women seem to be
coming on to me

in an unusual manner.


That's crazy.

Charlie! Stuart.


Are these back
in season again?

You're getting married.

What can I say?

I guess you are
a lucky charm.

You have 14 new messages.

Message 1.

Hey, Charlie.
My name's Nicole Adams.

You don't know me,

but I got your number
from Amy in Radiology.

I was wondering
if we could meet up

for drinks
one of these nights.

Hi, Charlie.
My name's Julia.

I normally don't do this, but I'm desperate.
Could you-

I'm not sure how you
choose your dates,

but I'm 5'10", blonde-

Hello, Charlie.
My name is Daisy.

Uh, actually in town-

Hi. My name is Bob.

No, it's not a wrong number.
Hear me out.

Hi. This is Cindy.

I'm a friend of Katie's-

Hey, my name's Colleen-

Hey, there.
We met at the gym.

StairMaster buddies?

Eat up, Shadow.

Last chance before bedtime.

Good boy.

Grumpy, don't be a pig.

Don't be a pig.
That's Chester's.

There you go.

Good boy.

Here, Dougie.
Gobble it up.

Come here, Tina.

you're such a pig.

Joe, hurry up!

I want to go home.

Did you get lost
back there?


Just taking five...

hits from my bong.

If they catch you with weed,
you're going to get fired.

They don't care
that you're my brother.

Oh, take a chillaxitive.

How is anybody
going to know?

Maybe 'cause you smell like you've been
bathing in bong water.


What's that in your pocket?

Oh, I was looking for this.

Three months.

Hey, Skully.

Joe, I'm slipping!

And you think I look wasted.

Grumpy, no!

You okay?

I think I chipped a tooth.

It's great to finally meet you.

Let me get that for you.

- Oh, thank you.
- Sure.

- All right?
- Yeah.

All right.

Are you ready?

Yeah, let's go.

Don't you want to, uh-


I don't know,
have dinner first?

Is that how this works?

How what works?

The thing.

The thing. The magic.

The charm.

Wait a second.

Gretel, what the hell
are you talking about?

You're a lucky charm.
You have sex with someone,

and then they find
their true love.

Isn't that how it works?

Has everybody
lost their minds?

That's ridiculous.
That's absurd.

Do you want top
or bottom?

Put that back
in your secret booby place.

That's- No.

I don't want to take
advantage of you.

Look, don't take this
so seriously.

I'm certainly not.

I'm doing this on a lark.

And you won't be
taking advantage of me.

Do you know how many
loser boyfriends I have had?

Do you know how many times
I have given myself-

body, mind, soul-

hoping that this was it,
this was the one,

only to find out he was
just another asshole?

Look, if there's a chance-

I mean even a.0001 % chance
that you're the key,

that being with you could
open the door to something better,

well, I think I'd be
taking advantage of you.

Do you want to have sex
before or after dinner?

Actually, I have dinner plans.

I got to get that.
It's my emergency line.

Oh. Emergency.
Now, that's sexy.

Dr. Logan speaking.

Hey, it's Cam Wexler.

from the wedding?

The serial killer?

Yeah. Yeah, hi.

I'm sorry to bother you,

but I have a bit
of a dental emergency.

You don't have to make up stories, Cam.

If you want to see me,
all you have to do is ask.

No, seriously.
I chipped a tooth,

and it's Saturday night,

and I don't know
who else to call.

Oh, you chipped a tooth?

I slipped while having
a fish fight,

slid down an ice ramp,

got tackled by a penguin,

and fell face-first
into a fake ice boulder.

This is very common.

Do you know
where my office is?

Yeah. I got your card
right here.

I can be there
in 20 minutes?

20 minutes.
I'm leaving now.


Okay, all fixed.

Does that hurt?

Can you describe the penguin
that attacked you?

Very funny.

You can rinse.

So what really happened?

Did you get caught
in the middle

of some North Pole-
South Pole gang war?

There are no penguins
in the North Pole.

That's polar bears.

You really are
a penguin freak, aren't you?

Oh, you have no idea.

Obsessed is putting it mildly.

I believe you.

Oh, what's that?

Oh, I travel
to Guatemala every year

to help some
of the poorer villagers.

That's so sweet.


Oh! Oh, no!
They went in!

They're in there!

- What's in there?
- The things!

Oh, here.

Oh, I'm sorry.

This is bad.

- You're hurt.
- It's okay.

I'm so sorry.

Should have worn
that lead vest.

Oh, this always
happens to me.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

- You sure?
- I feel good.

Man. I hope you let me
buy you a new shirt.

No. No, really.
It's, uh, it's good.

But I hope you'll let me
take you out to dinner...


Trust me, you can do
far more damage with a steak knife.

I'm sorry.
I- I can't.

How much do I owe you
for the tooth?

Wait a second.
So you will draw first blood,

but you won't
make it up to me?

Please, how much?


Your money's no good here.

You sure?

I will not accept that.


Thank you.


- I'm sorry.
- No.

See you in six months
for a routine stabbing.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Change your mind?

My car won't start.

Sure it won't.

No, really.
I left my lights on.

I'm pushing the car.

No, no, no, wait.
I want to jump you.


Not now.
Wait till I get this in here.



You okay?



I'm so sorry.

No, no. It's fine.
It's good.

Cauterized my wounds.

Thank you.

Thank you for fixing my tooth

and jumping my car.

Don't mention it.

And thank you
for taking me home

to get my spare
set of keys.

I have a feeling
this kind of thing happens to you often.

My brother
calls me Murphy.


You know,
like, Murphy's Law:

anything that can
go wrong, will.


Check out the thumb.

Holy crap!

What, did you get
pissed off at a stamp?

How many bones
have you broken?

- 12.
- 12 bones?

I'm warning you,
keep a safe distance.

Come on. I can't believe
it's really that bad.

Is this the heat?


Convertible top.


Keep the meter running.

All right.

Oh, shit!

Shit! Shit! Shit!

Pardon my French.

I speak a little French,
and that sounded like "shit. "

I left my house key
on the car ring-

You know what?
Doesn't matter.

Got it!

- Sorry.
- You all right?


- Hope these are the right keys.
- Yeah.

Thank you.

I'm sorry about the top,

and the, uh,
nerve damage in the back,

and the whole
electrocution thing, and-

I'd still like
to pay for the tooth.

I told you.
Buy me dinner.


Vending machine.

Drinks. Water.
I'm easy.

I'm just...

not emotionally available
at this time.

I'm okay with that.

I'm looking for more of
a physical relationship anyway.

So I've heard.

I was kidding.

That was a joke.
That was a stupid joke.

Okay. I- I get it.

So no way, then.

I'm sorry.

Good night, Dr. Logan.

Thank you.

I, uh...


Hi, Dr. Charlie.

Reba! What the hell
are you doing here?

Sorry. I didn't mean
to scare you.

I used the key you left me
in case of emergencies.

What's the emergency?

I know about the charm.

Not you, too.

posted about you

on perfectmatch. com

It's an internet
dating site.

Yeah, I know what it is.

This is out of control.

These stories
are just coincidence.

That's what I thought.

But then I went
to urbanlegends. com,

and nobody's disproved it.

Reba, I'll see you at work on Monday.
Good night.

Dr. Logan, you've always
been there for me.

When you need a day off, yes.

When you need a lift home, yes.

When Reggie died
four years ago,

you sent that beautiful card.

Do you remember
what you wrote?

"If there's anything I can do,
please let me know. "

Yeah, but, uh-

Well, I'm letting
you know.

That's not
what I had in mind.

These panties are edible,

but I'd avoid the tush area

as I've been sitting
for about three hours.

Reba, I'm not the guy for you.

I'm not saying you are.

But the next guy might be.

Dr. Charlie, if we're together,

I know I'll find my soul mate.

That- That's ridiculous.


No, Reba. Don't cry.
It's okay.

Come on, Dr. Charlie.

You got to do this for me.

- Reba!
- Charlie-

I can't do this.

Don't worry.

I'll do everything.


Just close your eyes

and imagine somebody beautiful.

I'll imagine you.

No one but you.


You slept with Reba?

Shut up.

You shut up.

What the hell's
the matter with you?

You're telling me
that you have the power

to turn any hot chick
out there-

any hot chick-

into a knob-gobbling,
lance-waxing flesh monger,

and you're out there
plowing the back 40 with Reba!

You don't know
because you weren't there.

Thank God I wasn't there.

It's disgusting.
It's revolting.

You're nasty.

How was she?

Dude, check it.

You see, that is
the kind of tail you should be chasing.

I could suck a fart
out of her ass

and hold it
like a bong hit.

Nice stop, kid.
Way to be.

Dude, these chicks,

they think that you're,
like, a lucky charm, man.

I mean,
you poke the poon,

she marries the next guy
she dates after you.

It's not true.

Who cares if it's true?

Wake up, man.

You got it made.

What is it
that all women want?

To get married,

raise crib midgets,

and apparently, buddy,

you got the ticket
to the big show.

Do you know
what this means?


You're going to be seeing
trim like Tommy Lee,

like Colin Farrell,

like Ellen DeGeneres-

Have you considered
the possibility the reason

you haven't been laid
in the last decade

has something to do with
your routine use of the word "trim"?


Seven days a week, 56 weeks a year, trim!

That's my bad.

Where's your manners, shithead?

What did you say to me?

Little help here, honey?

Look, you and I are different, okay?

Besides the fact
that I'm not retarded,

I don't want
to take advantage.

- Dude.
- Yeah.

Was Martin Luther King,
Jr. taking advantage

when he said that thing
in that place?

I don't think so.

Was Gandhi taking advantage
when he was doing his thing?


And don't tell me
that Gandhi didn't score

some sweet-ass
Native American trim.

Gandhi was Indian.

They don't like
to be called that.

Dude, I thought
you wanted to feel love.

I do.

So stop dipping your foot in the pool
and dive the fuck in!

And think about this, man.

You'd be providing
a much-needed public service.

You'd be helping women find love.

Now, don't come bitching to me

you haven't found Miss Right yet

if you got women lining up
for the position

and you're turning
your back on them.


I guess.

If I did it for the right reasons.

Whatever helps you
sleep at night, biznatch.

No, no, no. Whoa, whoa.
Don't take off my top.

Something wrong?

They're for the baby.

You have a baby?

No, but I will someday.

It's really good.

Fuck me.

Fuck me harder.


Fuck me!

- Fuck me!
- I'm fucking!

Fuck me, you cocksucking,
cum-guzzling shithead!

Split my pussy in two!

You motherfucking asshole!

Is something wrong?

Oh, God.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!
Oh, Jesus Christ, almighty!

God, my savior!

I shall adore thee from now
until forever more!

Oh! Amen!

Would you like to
pray with me now?

Uh... no.

Yeah, I don't do that with men.

Oh, yeah.
That's it.

That's it!

That's definitely it!

That'll be my wedding dress.

What do you think?

Megan, I swear I know you
from some place.

We went to high school together.


What's your last name?


I knew a Matthew Gilles.

God, you do look like him.
Is that your brother?

Actually, that was me
before the operation.


You're welcome.

- This just isn't working for me.
- Yeah, right.

You're just gonna give up
boning all these women?

These girls don't want
to be with me.

They want to be
with the next guy.

So what? The road
to the next guy leads through you.

It's not that satisfying.

I'll tell you not satisfying.

Last night I masturbated
into a grapefruit.

I put it in the microwave.

I heated it up
a little bit, which helped,



You know, I read somewhere
that penguins like to eat their own shit.

You have 108 messages.

Messages deleted.

The female lays a single egg

and rolls it onto
the feet of the male.

The male stands
and incubates the egg

until it hatches,
about 65 days.

Having built up
a thick layer of fat

to sustain him
through the long winter,

he never leaves the egg
to hunt for food.

The female returns just
before the chick hatches.

If you have any questions,
please feel free to ask.

What are you doing here?

Are you telling me
that the male penguin

really lives off
his own fat for 65 days

while he's protecting
the egg?

You think that the female could bring him,
like, a mackerel burger?

Seriously, why are you here?

Look, I don't buy the whole

"I'm not emotionally available" thing.

Are you dying?

Is that why you don't want
to get involved with me?

Because you don't wanna
hurt me when you die?

No, I'm not dying.

Well, I'm not dying either,
so what is it, then?

Am I not your type?
I can take it if it's that.

I think you should go.

No, I think
I should stay,

because I paid $ see you today.

And I'm not leaving
until you pay me my money back.

Is this the dude?

- No. Joe!
- Have you been talking about me?

Why aren't you wearing your shirt?

- Has she been talking about me?
- Yeah.

- No!
- You're the dentist.

I am the dude!

No, I mentioned you in passing.

I said you were funny.

- Oh.
- And you said he was-

And I said you were
charming and...

good-looking, and...

you have a nice smile.

Oh, I would not go out with me, either.

Excuse me, miss?
How come the mommy penguin

doesn't bring back food
for the daddy penguin?

'Cause the daddy penguin
doesn't need any food, sweetie.

I have another question.

Why won't you go out with Charlie?

- She'd love to.
- Joe! You're my brother!

Why are you taking his side?

Because I know
how long it's been-

Another word,
I hide your stash.

Go put a shirt on.

Look, how about this.

Why don't you eat,

and I'll just digest my own lard.


I just...

I know three women
you've gone out with.

I'm just not into dating
as a sport.

Wait, you said if anybody
had any questions-

- No! I'm not going out with you!
- That's not my question.

That was the little girl's question.
I have a new question.

What is that penguin
right there?

That's a Gentoo,
one of several species

of penguin that is
completely monogamous.

I hope that answers
your question.

Oh, and penguins are unique

in that mate selection
is up to the female.

Much like our relationship.

Why do you wanna take me
to dinner so badly?

You look hungry.


- Seriously?
- Yeah.

Because you remind me
of these penguins.

Yes, they're kind of
awkward and goofy.

Yet in the water,
they're so beautiful.


Okay, what?

- Okay, dinner.
- Will you put that in writing?

Don't push it.

But only as friends...

because if you must know,
there is someone else.

His name is Howard Blaine.

He is a foremost expert on penguins,

and I'm meeting him
later this year at a conference.

I'm interested in him.

Well, I'm interested
in choreographing

a wacky line dance
that sweeps the nation,

but we both know
that's never gonna happen.

One date as friends.



I'm okay.

- Yeah.
- I'm fine.


So do sharks get cavities?


- You have no idea, do you.
- I don't know.

I thought we were gonna
ask each other personal questions.

Isn't that the point
of 100 Questions?

Is that your question?

No, my question is...

Why penguins? Why?

Why teeth?

Same as every other dentist.

Couldn't get
into med school.

That's funny.

My parents didn't think so.

So really, why penguins?

Couldn't get into shark school.

I don't know,
lots of reasons.

For one, you can't help but smile
when you see a penguin.

Yeah, plus they have that bad-ass tuxedo
embedded in their flesh.

I know! They're just so cute.

I just-
I just love 'em so much.

I just love, love, love 'em!

I even go to Antarctica
for research.

Oh, it's so beautiful there.

You know they have
once-a-year sunsets?

You haven't seen beauty
until you've seen that.

Oh, I don't know about that.

And the penguin rituals
are just fascinating.

Okay now, by rituals,
do you mean, like,

eating their own poop?


Like when a male
is sweet on a female,

he searches
the entire beach

to find the perfect pebble
to present to her.

When he finally finds it,

he waddles over

and presents the stone
by placing it at her feet.

If she accepts,
they'll be life-long mates.

It's kind of like
an engagement ring.

Yeah, it's unbelievable to watch.

I have a feeling

that you are
a very good kisser.

And I know this because I spent
an hour and a half inside your mouth,

and I scoped it out.

What makes you think
I'll be kissing you, huh?

You all right?

You okay?

I guess I was wrong about
the "really good kisser" thing.

Come on, we'll find
something you're good at.


Perfectly imperfect?
What the hell does that mean?

I don't know.

I mean, haven't you ever
fallen for someone's flaws?

I'm a plastic surgeon.

I see a flaw,
I pour spackle over it.

Hey, are these new?

Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey, no!

No, you don't touch these.

It's Pamela Anderson's
breast implants.

Why are they not implanted
in her breasts?

It's a reduction, baby.
This is what came out.

So you're hoping that
some sick dude will buy these?

Some sick dude already did.

This dude!

What the hell do you want
Pamela Anderson's breast fillings for?

Why the hell do you want
Miss Penguin Pussy?

To each his own, buddy.

Oh, Miss Penguin Pussy.
Who the fuck are you?

Stu Klaminsky.
Nice to meet you.

Anyway, Cam's the one, man.

When I'm with her,
I don't know, Stu.

I mean, I feel like...

She just-

Completes you.

- Screw you.
- Screw you.

And can I just say

that I'm an idiot
for listening to you?

Public service.

May I remind you

that you got
your axle greased

a fair amount
in the process?

What's sex without love?


It's still sex!

Jesus Christ.

I never met a guy so bummed
to squirt a little baby gravy.

Baby gravy?

You know, man chowder.

Can't believe you're going
cold turkey for this chick.

If she wants me to be
more like a Gentoo,

I'm going to be
like a Gentoo.

You lost me.

It's a monogamous penguin.

Who's ridiculed
by the other penguins

for being a fag.

Here it comes!

You got some- right there.


Do I have any on me?

No, no.

You want to get that?

You're silly.

I have something for you.


A gift?

Oh, bad form.

A gift on the third date?

Open it.


You're an asshole.

Yes, but a thoughtful asshole.

Thank you.

So, fess up about this charm.

You heard about that.

Yeah. It's quite a scam
you got going.

- No, it's not me.
- Please.

It's not.
I'm serious.

Somebody somewhere
got it into their head

that once a girl's
been with me,

she'll meet her true love

with the next guy
she goes out with.

Can you believe it?


People will believe
whatever they want to believe.

Okay. I've got one for you.

Did you know
it is physically impossible

for a human being
to lick their own elbow?

How do you know that?

No one can do it.

All right.
I can do it.

Can't do it, my friend.

All right, fine.

I've got one.

Did you know
that the average person

produces 10,000 gallons of saliva
in their lifetime?

Did you know that I produce
10,000 gallons of saliva in one kiss?

That's disgusting.

I'm going to show you.
Come here.

I'm serious.
I'm serious about this.

I don't like sloppy kisses.

Are you trying to unhook my bra?

No. No.
I wouldn't do that. No.

Why not?
Am I not your type?

You are definitely my type.

What's your type?

Black and blue,
riddled with bandages.

And braless.
Yeah. Definitely braless.

Your move.

That's it?

Socks are next.
Slow down.


You really want to do this?

I mean, you really want
to take us further?

This is not happening.

I got to get it.

It's- It's my emergency line.

No. No.

I got to get it.
I'll be back.

I'll be fast.

Dr. Logan speaking.


Is this an emergency?

You're going to want
to hear this, man.

Well, I am rather busy
right now.

Good night!

Whoa, whoa, wait.
Did you bone her yet?

Look, unless
this is an emergency,

call my office
in the morning.

Fine. You want
to lose her forever,

you hang up the phone
right now.

This is going to be
the best night of your life.

Are you still there?

Chuck. Are you there?

What are you
talking about?

Dude, it's that charm thing.

It turns out it's real!

No. That's not true
because you told me yourself-

Uh-uh, but now I believe.

I started
calling all your exes.

They're married.

Not just some. All.

A to Z on your Palm Pilot, man.

Susan Agrezzi
to Jeannie Zeigert.

Every single one
you closed the deal with.

And did you see this month's
high school newsletter?

Sarah McDowell.

What, the girl
I lost my virginity to?

Did you see who she
wound up marrying?

Tony Lamberto, that douche bag
she dumped you for!

You know what this means,
don't you?

You shake the sheets with Cam,

she's going to marry
the next guy she dates.

This- This-

I hate you.

I really hate you!

I got to go.
I got to go.

A dental emergency.

Freak accident.

Children, they thought
it was gumballs.

Ball bearings,

and it just fucked up
their shit.

You look great.
I had a good time.

I got to go.

I got to go!

I can't believe you're
really considering doing this.

If you believe it
and everyone else believes it,

what else can I do?

Anything but this.

I got to be sure.

I've got to put the curse to the test.

Where is she?

She's beached over there

by the giant garbage bag
full of doughnut holes.

Eleanor Skepple.

She's angry, rude,
and she smells bad.

In addition to back acne,

she's got front acne
and side acne.

You see that glass of water there?

She keeps her teeth
in that glass.

So you're saying
that she's single.

She's your best bet, man.

You sink the soldier all you want.

This chick ain't never
getting married.

If she was the last woman
on the face of the earth,

humanity would come
to a screeching halt.

Hey, asshole,
got my peanut butter?

No. My name's Charlie.

I'm sorry.
I was just wondering

if, um- if I could
take you out tonight.

How does that-
How does that sound?

You want me to elaborate?

No. I get your drift.

I'm sorry to have bothered you.

Pay you a hundred dollars
to go out with me tonight.


Make me happy.

So a thousand dollars,

and all you have to do
is take me to dinner?

Well, actually, I thought
that maybe we could,

you know, we-
you and I could, uh-

get physical.

All right.

I'm gonna fuck you
till you die!

And now we wait.

Oh, Coco,
I know how you feel.

We just put ourselves
out there,

and what happened?

I'm left hanging.

Huh, girl?

Has he called yet?

No, Joe, he hasn't.

Thanks for asking.
I really appreciate it.

God, I feel so stupid.

Why did I act like that?

Why hasn't he called?

All this waiting
is driving me crazy.

You know, there's always
some madness in love.

But there's also always
some reason in madness.


Been using the pages
of this philosophy book

for rolling paper.

It's like I'm smoking
their thoughts.

It's him.

Well, get it.

I'm gonna let it ring.

I'll screen it.

Sorry I haven't called,
but I've been really sick.

I can't even get out of bed.

Do you think maybe we could
just talk on the phone

or on the computer?

I'd really, really like that.

Call me.

I can't pretend
to be sick forever.

Come on, man.
You're my hero.

- I don't know.
- Yeah, you gotta do this for me.

You got this, my brother.
You're a crazy train.

You're the man
in the mirror.

You're a force of nature.
Hurricane Stu.

I can't do it.

You have to do it.

No one's asked her out yet.

Yeah, right. So I go out
with Eleanor Skepple

to test your curse,

and what happens next?

I'm walking down the aisle
with Shamu!

I don't think so.

Do you see what I'm doing here?

The friend card, man?


That's mean.

You leave me no choice.

Give me that,
you son of a bitch.

If I marry her, Chuck,

we're going to hunt you down
and eat you.

Yeah, Stu.

I can't believe
you're still sick.

How long has it been?

Two weeks. It's, uh...

it's killing me,
but, you know,

I don't
want to infect you.

At this point,
I wouldn't mind.

You know, I feel
like a kid again.

I haven't talked
on the phone this much

since I was in high school.

That reminds me.

Would you go to the prom with me?

I love your voice.

The crazy things is,
I can't picture you anymore.

Okay, here's the update:

I am now 4' 3",

I weigh 235 pounds,
and I've got a cleft eye.

Can I ask you something?


Are you not into girls?


Are you... seriously, are you there?


I'm not... not into girls.

You should have seen
my room growing up.

It was full of posters of... of girls!

There was no guys.
It was girls!

Well, are you avoiding
actually seeing me?

No, Cam. I'm dying to see you.
It's killing me.

Then come over.
Right now. Wash my back.

Come on.

I'll wear a mask.
You could wear a mask.

We'll play doctor.

Ooh, boy. I want to,

but with the-

No buts.
I need to see you.

I need to see if that
birthmark you have

really looks like Alfred Hitchcock.

Now, wait. No. That-

That is a restricted area, okay?

Not everybody gets a peek

at the Master of Suspense,

if you know
what I'm saying.

If I can't see you,

we should take
our phone relationship

to the next level.

What do you mean?

Oh, yeah.

That feels good.

I like that.
Do you like that?

Like what?

That's my phone sex voice.

Come on, Charlie,
work with me here.

I want to. I just don't
think that we should do that.

I mean, nothing to do with-

Does your phone
receive pictures?

Yeah, why?



What are you sending to me?


- I got it.
- Got it?

I'm done for the night.
Thank you.

Oh, God.
Hold on one second.

Stu, what's up?

The deed is done.

I went out
with Eleanor Skepple.

I'm not proposing to her,

so you're in the clear.

Are you there?


I feel better.

Camcorder in the bedroom, huh?


So, for the, uh, camera,

do I have to sign a waiver
or something, you know,

for internet purposes?

You really want
to talk right now?

Whoa, those are nice.

Oh, God bless you.

You pushed me.

It's been a while.

I can see I'm going
to have to wear protection.

Stop staring at me.

You're creeping me out. matter what your size.

You will not go to waste.

Sometimes it takes
a little love

to make someone want
to shed the pounds.

Two main reasons-

What the hell?


"The deed is done"?
The deed is done!

I thought you said

you went out
with Eleanor Skepple.

No, man. I just said that.


I didn't want to risk it.

Marrying her?
Are you stupid?

But I saw you, man.

You asked her out.

No, man. I asked her
what time it was.

She said it was 3:53.

I can't believe
that I trusted you, Stu.

You fucked me!

Take out your friend card.


Take out your friend card now
and rip it up

because you fucked me, Stu.

Oh, buddy, she's just a girl.

No. It's not a girl.

It's the girl.

Now I'm going to lose her.

I'm not going to lose her.

Breakfast in bed.

Wake up! Good morning!
It's a beautiful day!


Am I supposed to eat
my way out of here?

I walked into the supermarket.

I stood there. I was like,
"What does Cam want?"

And I couldn't stop.

I was like, "She'll want that
and that and that," and I got it all.

They didn't have Spam, though.
I talked to the manager.

They won't have it in until next week.
Anyway, enjoy.

Are you okay?

I am fantastic.
I feel like-

I did this-

And then I gave myself
one of these. Look.

And I made out with myself.

You're acting kind of strange.

No. No, no.

Yeah, eat up. Eat up.
Try that. Try that.

Eat up.

Hey, um, what are your plans

for the rest of today?

I'm going to work.

I'm going to go
to work with you!

I'm going to hang out.

I got it all planned out.
I'm going to go.

I'm kidding.
I'm not going to work with you.

Actually, Saturday.

What are you plans for Saturday- Sunday?

What are your plans
for Sunday?

Don't even answer that

because I'm already
thinking about Wednesday.

What are you doing Wednesday?

Let's just seal it right now-
seal the deal-

and then I'll do my pineapple dance.

Yes, Wednesday?

This is your fault!


Jesus Christ, why me?

Just shut your lips, Stu.
Shut up!

Hi, Cam. What's up?
It's Charlie.

How are you doing today?

I just wanted to call

and make sure I had
the right number,

and I do, and I do.

How are you doing?

Having a good day at work?

Well, I'll let you get back,
but I wanted to remind you,

Wednesday night,
you and me, happily.

All right.
I'll talk to you later. Bye.

This is your fault!


You already ate.
Why are you-

Is there something different
in here since lunch?

Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, banana

Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, banana

Got me lookin'
so crazy right now

Your love's got me
lookin' so crazy right now

Got me lookin'
so crazy right now

Your touch has got me
lookin' so crazy right now

Got me hopin'
you'd page me right now

Your kiss got me hopin'
you'd save me right now

Lookin' so crazy,
your love's got me lookin'

Got me lookin' so crazy,
your love

Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, got it.

Got me going,
so pay me right now

Raise the habitat.

Crazy, crazy, crazy

Crazy for you

Changed my mind.

Took the day off
so I could hang.

I won't be in the way.

I know what you're thinking.
I'm going to be in the way.

But I think I'm going to blend in like this.
I think I'll blend. Look.

I know how to do that.

Charlie, I'm working.

Or I could go.

Yeah, I-

Get out of here.

No, no.


Have a great day at work.

My car's this way.

Hi, Cam.

Work is done.
Time for fun.


Listen, I know
an amazing sushi place,

and the best part of all:

when you're finished
with your leftovers,

they put them in a doggie bag-
or a penguin bag.

- Charlie-
- Oh, you don't like sushi.

Uh, Thai? Indian.

Listen to me, you need
to leave me alone, okay?

I need some space.

So tonight is no good.

I'm very close
to changing my phone number.

Do you understand?

If you were a hamburger
at McDonald's,

I'd name you my
McBeautiful Tittie Sandwich

With Titties On Top.

- Can I see Stu?
- Just a sec-


Stu, I need you.
It's important.

I'm Dr. Charlie Logan.

I don't know who this Stu
is you speak of.

Call me.

I need your help.

Hey, are we still friends?

Cam is going to fall in love with
and get married

to the next guy she goes
on a date with, right?

I'm going to be that next guy.

You're a plastic surgeon.

You're going to...
change my face up.

I don't care if you
give me a beak.

I'm going to look
like a different guy.

That way,
when I meet her-

Hi. My name's Ronald-

I'm the new guy
she falls in love with.

Let's go. Right now.

Don't look at me
in that tone of voice.

I'm talking the truth.


take a look around, man.

I mean, I can give you tits.
You want tits?

So you're
not going to help me.

Yes, but not by
rearranging your face, man.

Come here. Have a seat.

There's got to be
a better way, right?

I mean, I know
things are bad now,

but things could be
a lot worse, right?

Listen, you could be
like my cousin, man.

He found out last week

he's got an inoperable
brain tumor.

That's horrible.


He's only got, like,
one week left to live.

That is...


That's perfect.
He's the perfect guy for her.


There's no harm, right?

He gets laid.
She falls in love.

He's dead within a week.

I swoop in, console her.

everybody's happy.


Why don't you club her
and have a wedding ceremony

while she's knocked unconscious?

That'd work!

What the hell
is wrong with you?

You have to let her go.

That's the one thing
I can't do.

- Next time I'll bring my suit.
- Yeah.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. That's not good.


It's over.

That has to be George.


Hey, George!

- What's up, George?
- What?

- How you doing, George?
- I'm not George.

You're going to stay
away from Cam, all right?

You're going to stay away
from Cam, you hear me?

- You're George!
- Charlie!

- I'm not George!
- Cam!

What are you doing?

I just met George.
He's a real jerk.

You shouldn't like him.
I want to see you.

Stay away from me!
Stay away from me!



What is wrong with you?

I'm being bitten!

Does he have fish
in his pants?

Oh, those fuckers
are vicious.

Yeah? Well, they don't like it

when someone disturbs
their environment.

Time to go, buddy.

I know I've been acting crazy,
but there's a reasonable-

Let me guess, Charlie.

You believe
you're a lucky charm,

and you're afraid I'm going
to marry the next guy I date,

so you've been smothering me
and attacking my friends.

What about George, okay?

What about your date with George?

Wednesday night?
What big date with George?

George is my hairdresser!

Excuse me. I'm sorry.
I was eavesdropping.

Are you really
Charlie Logan the lucky charm?

Because... I was wondering-

I can't. I'm sorry.
Cam, listen. Cam-

- No. Charlie, I just don't think we can
do this anymore.

- Don't say it!

- It's not working.
- Please, Cam.

Please, just don't say it's over.

It's over.

Dr. Charlie?

Hi, Reba.

I've been
calling you all day.

Where have you been?

Decided to take
another day off.

Hey, does our building
have roof access?

Oh, things can't be that bad.

You know, I owe you a thank-you.

I met a guy, and he's wonderful.

I really think he's the one.

That's great.
I'm happy for you.

You've done a good thing,
Dr. Charlie.

Helping people find love.

It's great.

I bet you didn't think
you'd be responsible

for helping me
find true love again,

but you did.

You did, Dr. Charlie.

Dr. Charlie, are you all right?

Love fall like rain.
I'm in pain.

She was right, Reba.

It's raining.

Oh, my God!

Stu, I need
to Google something.



I wish I hadn't seen that!

A man can't masturbate
in his own house?

That is disgusting.

It's a known fact

that stimulation
of the prostate-

No, no, no, no.
Just get dressed

and wash your hands!

All I know is that I'm hexed.

Yeah. If by hexed
you mean bat-shit crazy,

then yeah,
you're hexed, man.

Don't you remember?

Black lipstick,
long fingernails. A total freak.

She wanted me
to show her my penis.

I wouldn't,
so she pulled my nipples

and put a hex on me.

Stu, I've lost the most
special person of my life.

I have to break this spell.

You haven't lost me, dude.

I'm here for you always.

Just drive the fucking car.

Oh, I'm so sorry, buddy.

Hey, what's up with Chester?

His girlfriend Molly's sick.

I sent her away for treatment.

He stopped grooming himself.

It's heartbreaking, you know?

If she doesn't come back,

he may never find another mate.

Murphy, maybe
you reacted too harshly.

You should call him.

I can't, Joe.

You saw him.
He's crazy.

Love does that
to you sometimes.

I don't want another one
of your philosophy lessons, Joe.

He was smothering me.

I want to be part of someone's life,

not all of it.

Have you taken a look
at your bedroom lately?

If you love something,

sometimes you just want
to be surrounded by it.

That's it. That's it.

How can I get her
to break the spell?

I don't know. She wanted to look
at your penis, right?

That was a joke.


Chuck, that was a joke.

Oh, my God.

Hi. Is your mother home?

Is your mother's name Anisha?

What's with the 50 questions?

That was two questions.

It's a hyperbole.

Sweetheart, who is it?

Are you Anisha Carpenter?

Do I know you?

Charlie Logan.

Look, I know this is
going to sound crazy,

but you put a hex on me

so that all my girlfriends

would fall in love
with other people,

and I need you...

to reverse the spell?

Woo! That-
That's your pendant.

You used to wear that!

You wore it at the party
when you pulled out my hair

and did the- with the thing.

And then you wanted
to see my penis,

and I said no.

Go to your room, Lila.
Lock the door.

But this is just getting good.


I'm sorry.

What can I do to convince you
to help me?

This spell-
turn it off, please.

Charlie, I was just a kid.

I didn't know
what I was doing.

I don't even know
what I did.

You fucked up my life!

That's what you did.

I asked you
to watch your language.

Your room. Now.

Anisha, I am begging you.

Have you ever wanted
someone so badly

that you would do anything
to get them?

If someone's
meant to be yours,

eventually they will be.

Wait. No!

If you think
that by me being here,

we're supposed
to get together-

I wasn't talking about you.

My husband Kurt.

Really, Charlie, I was 10.

I may have thought
I was in love,

but I was also hot
for Scott Baio.


I've blown it.

Well, then,
all you can do is let her go.

Yeah, dude!

You're my hero!

How was she?

Take me home.

I'm not that easy, man.

You're going to have to
take me to dinner first.

You little munchkin.

I have to set her free,

let Mother Nature
take its course.

If you love something,
set it free, right?

I think Cam is really
going to respond

to the new gay you,

Take me home.

I got a phone call to make.

Hi. I'm trying to find
Howard Blaine.

Hi, Howard.

Um, we've never met,

but I have a friend
that you really need to meet.


Eat me.

Eat me.




I'm getting married!

Chuck! I found my dream girl,

and it's all because
of you I just proposed.

Lara, get your sweet ass
over here.

You remember Lara?

Lara stepped out of heaven-

and into my office
to correct a condition.

She's got polymastia.

Has more than two boobs.

Isn't that perfect for me?
Show him.

No, no.

No, no, that's okay.

Really. I don't mind.

Yeah, I used to be
embarrassed about it,

but that was before
pookie pants here

made me realize
how special I am.

Oh, baby,
you're so goddamn special.

Oh, I love you, monkey pie.

- Okay, show him.
- Okay.

Is that or is that not

the most beautiful sight
you've ever seen in your life?

It's like seeing
the Grand Canyon for the first time.

It's like seeing Earth
from space.

Like Three's Company,

but all Chrissies,
you know what I'm saying?

I'm happy for you, buddy.

But, dude, that's not
why we came, okay?

Did you know that it smells
like shit in here?

You may want to open a window.

It's making me a little-

Okay, you tell him, baby.

Okay, so I'm friends with Katie,
who knows Cam,

and she said that Cam
said she's leaving today

for Antarctica
with some penguin guru.

That's nice.
I'm happy for her.

You sure as shit
don't look happy.

I loved something,
and I set her free.

She met somebody else.

But I set her free.
That's what's important.

She's leaving, buddy...

for Antarctica...

right now.

She is going.

She's going.

She's... leaving.

What the fuck am I doing?

That's what we're saying!

Go get your girl, will you?

He's a little slow.

Excuse me.
I'm sorry, guys.

Ma'am, excuse me.

Has the flight for
Antarctica boarded yet?

There are no direct flights, sir.

Connecting flight?

Which one?
There are two.

Has the flight

with a passenger
named Cam Wexler boarded yet?

Sorry, sir.
Can't give you that information.

Sir, you won't be able to go
to the gate without a ticket.

I have to get
to Antarctica,

so I will take a ticket
for both planes.

There are only first class
tickets available, sir.

Of course there are.
I'll take them both.

Are you traveling
with any baggage?



You do realize
that it's -60 degrees there.


And that'll be $17,412.

Just do it.

Here you go.

Shoes, belt, watch.

You've never been
to an airport, dummy?

What goes in pockets?


Change goes in pockets.

Put it in the little bucket.

Don't waste
my big bucket.

Small bucket!

I don't need it.

Want to make this quick?

I am in a real hurry.

Let's do this.
Take your pants off.


You heard me.
Take your pants off.

I'm kidding you, weirdo.
Don't do that.

Why would you do that?

Come on, let's go.

Go, go, go.


One more! Here.

I meant to do that.




I'm sorry.
Please don't be mad.

Antarctica? You couldn't have
just taken her to a movie?


Look, I know that it's
crazy that I'm here,

but it felt even crazier
not to come.

Excuse me.
You have to take your seats.


My entire life,

I've been nothing more
than a stepping-stone

to every relationship
I've ever been in.

There's always been a next guy
who's better than me.

For once in my life,
I want to be that next guy.

I've never said this
to anybody in my whole life.


I love you.

I love you, Cam.

Please don't go.

Charlie, I'm coming back
on Wednesday.



But Howard and-

Have you met
Howard's wife Marilyn?

Howard's wife?

Howard's wife.


Hi, Howard's wife.

Howard's wife.

I know about your call
to Howard.

I knew you wanted to meet him.

I knew it would make you happy.

I swear that's all
I've ever wanted to do.

Plus, mate selection
is up to the female.

But, Charlie,
you've been acting so-

I know, I know.
Idiotic, nuts.

And no more lucky charm excuse.

I'm done thinking
about the past and what could be.

All I care about now is what is.

And this-

This is.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are about to close
the cabin doors.

Please take your seats.

That's for you.



Excuse me, are you that guy who-

He isn't anymore.

Excuse me.

Giggle monkey,
what are you looking for?

Sex tapes.

What is the point in house sitting
if you can't scope out

some good old-fashioned
homemade porn!

- Score!
- You're a genius.


Hold on.

Do it. Do it. Oh, yeah.


Yeah, what?

Oh, you like that.

You like when I do
stuff with the-

All right. I'll do it
for just one last time.

This is it.


Because I'm not
into bestiality,

and you know that.
That's documented.

No, I know. It's fake.

All right.

But it's hot.


Hey. So, uh...

so do you want to-

You come to this
glacier often?

I'm really interested in you
because you're a Gentoo soul.

You like that?

Yeah, I like that.
Do it faster.

You like... when I do that?

You ever seen me
go down on a-

Shh. It's okay. No, no.

Baby, baby, don't worry.

Yeah, I like that.

You like that, don't you?


Oh, that's so hot.

Shh. No more "Uhh. "
No more "Uhh. "

Do it. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's really good.

Okay, now do the other thing.

Do the other thing.

Look at me. Here's
really what you like.

Yeah, you know what I like.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm really
getting in the mood now.

You like when I eat
your penguin ass?

Yeah. Baby,
I think I'm ready.

Turn it off, baby.

You still in the mood?


All right.

Special thanks to SergeiK.