Havoc 2: Normal Adolescent Behavior Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Havoc 2: Normal Adolescent Behavior script is here for all you fans of the Amber Tamblyn movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Havoc 2: Normal Adolescent Behavior quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Havoc 2: Normal Adolescent Behavior Script

The six of us
met in elementary school,

and we've been together
ever since.

The sex, the Saturday nights,
all of that came way later.

And not all of it was my idea,
no matter what they say.

The boxes have been with us
as long as we've been together,

and they're a snapshot
at any given time of who we are.

The rules of the boxes
are simple.

You can put something in,

take something out,

but you have to say why,

and your box
can never be empty.

And the rules for the six of us
are just as simple:

Stay together, be a family,

love each other,
and never, ever apologize.

 Video, video 

 Saved the day 

 Everyone's lookin' 

 For a game to play 

 No matter what it takes 

 Don't matter
if we're hangin' 'round 

 We're gonna take a chance 

 And gonna help ourself
to the sound 

 Sipping my wine 

 At the closing stage 

 Golf wing polos 

 Are the latest craze 

 I could never understand 

 Never understand
what went wrong 

 You know I hate to say 

 But I'm
never gonna get that far 

 I've been going nowhere 

 100 miles an hour 

 I've been going nowhere 

 Round and round and round 

 I've been saving myself 

 For a high-speed
Saturday night 

 Yeah, yeah, yeah 



- Hi!
- Hello.

Nice BMW.

Check this shit out.


Where'd you get
your purse? Target?


- Don't do it.
- You can buy 'em. I made mine.

- Hey, wo-man.
- Hey, sweetheart.


Seriously, guys, see her tan?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

- That's okay.
- I know.

We have all day.

- Are you serious?
- Eww!

- Yikes.
- What?

You should burn that hat.

- Yeah.
- Wait. No, you can't.

- You can't burn it.
- It's plastic. Toxic fumes.

Well, he could burn
a little bit of it.

- Yeah, why not?
- Symbolically.

Come on. Do it.

- Burn it a little bit.
- Burn it?

Lt'll be good for you.

- Take the lighter.
- "Burn me!"

All right. All right.

"I don't like von Dutch.
Burn me."

- Come on, dude.
- Do it.

Ooh, God, it smells really bad.


- Whoo-whoo!
- There it goes!

Sorry about that.


I like your necklace.

"I like your necklace."


Okay, I think we've successfully
oriented ourselves.

- Yep.
- Shall we?

Ann, let go.

Are you leaving?

Uh, no,
I got to wait for my brother.

- Ooh, wrong way.
- Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Bye! Bye.

All right, so what?

I'll just, uh,
call you later?

Call me later.

- Ahh!
- Ahh!

Kiss her, yeah!

What the fuck, man?


When did being a lesbian become
cooler than blowing a rock star?

You've never blown
a rock star.

Neither have you.

- So?
- So?

What if you could
blow a rock star?

Ruin what we have? Mmm...

That's my girl!

Ow! Yes.

- See ya.
- Wait. Wait.

Had to cut our string.

- Bye.
- See you later.

You're not blowin' up
the school, are you?

Did you follow me here?

I'm just trying to get
the lay of the land, so...

The lay of the land, huh?


I'm new,
so I figured I could,

I don't know, memorize
where everything was.

Not much to memorize.

So please tell me you're
not blowing anything up.

Get the lights for me?

Okay, I read about this,
and I really wanted to try it.

the electrons get excited.

I think it's so cool how they
have human names, you know,

like, "Excited,"
"Aggressive," "Lazy."

Ooh, some of them can
even be "lmpure."


Let's see.

That is pretty cool.

But couldn't you
just try this during class?

Nah. I hate chemistry.

- Your secret's safe with me.
- Hmm! Who would you tell?

Right. Uh, well,
my mom's a chemist,

so I'd never make fun of you
for liking this stuff.


- Come on!
- My brother Nathan.

Can we go home
already... please?

You coming?

Uh... hey, I'm Sean.


These are the classrooms.

Have you read The Watchmen?

I have all of them, if you want
to, uh, come over, hang out.

- Yeah. Yeah, I'll read 'em.
- This is the library...

Or you could come
over tomorrow if you want.

And this is
the meeting area...

where people
like to get together

and talk about
the lack of respect

in the public bathrooms.

- Mm.
- "Respect," Again...

the word that comes up
all the time.

So, tomorrow, come over,
read 'em...

- Tomorrow or the...
- Nathan!


This is me.

Ah, this is me.

Yeah, I know.

You know?

- How do you know me?
- I mean, I...

I saw you around, you know.
I didn't know who you were.

I'm gonna head inside.

You could come over,
you know?

Ask my mom about impure
electrodes or whatnot.

- No, I'm cool. See ya.
- Okay, fine.

Why'd you tell him
he could come over on Saturday?

Why not?

 I like all the girls,
and all the girls like me 

 I like all the girls,
and all the girls like me 

 Everybody, come on 

 Ah, ah, ah 

 It's not a question
of confidence or retribution 

 I'd do anything
to find a solution 

 Change my name in 12 states 

 Just to escape
this prosecution 

 You know why? 

 I like all the girls,
and all the girls like me 

 I like all the girls
and all the girls like me 

 They tell me so 

 Ha! They tell me so 


 That's how I know, oh 

that's how I K-N-O-W 

He's here.


- Hi.
- Hey.

- Oh.
- Oh, hey.


Here, I, uh...
I brought these.

I thought... I thought
maybe you'd wanna read 'em.

Ahem. Yeah.
That's... that's cool, thanks.

- Yeah.
- Come on.

So, uh, well, thanks
for invitin' me over.

Oh, we're neighbours.

Yeah, so...

- Holy shit.
- Hmm?

My mom can
barely make pop tarts.

Actually, um, I made 'em,
so... I made everything.

Did you make this for me?

Yeah, I did.

I mean, I don't really get
a lot of guys over, so...

No. No, I mean, people.

- I don't get a lot...
- No, no, no. That's...

I don't get
a lot of people over.

- I don't... over.
- Oh, yeah, yeah. No.

Look... That... That's okay.
I didn't mean... It's just...

I didn't mean
anything by that.

Because I just like to cook.

That... That's the thing.
I like to cook.


It's... I didn't, like,
plan everything.

That would be weird. I've...

I'm not gonna
eat that one, um...

No. I'll...
I'll put that one back.

- Okay.
- I just... No, really.

I mean, like, this
isn't a trap or anything.

I didn't think it was...
I didn't think it was a trap.

Well, good, because if you just
wanna try these.

I mean, these are
really easy to make.

That's actually...
Um, I don't really...

So you can try these.
Oh, sh...!


- Um...
- Mm-mm.


- Yeah.
- Um...

I'm gonna... I'll clean up.

- I'll help you clean up.
- Good, I'm... No, that's fine.

I'm just gonna
go wash my hands.

Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna... Why don't
I clean up for you?

- Yeah, okay.
- Just, uh...

Oh, God.

Hey, have you seen
that kid, Sean, at school?


He's so transparent,

He's from Chicago.

So did he transfer
as a senior?

I guess.
Lots of people transfer.

Yeah, in third grade,
people transferred.

People in our class
have been there forever.

Dude, whatever. He's boring.

Pasty and colourless.

Looks like a pigeon
shat on his head.


He's actually really nice.

He's nice. Nice.

He's nice.

He is.
He was nice to Nathan.

Oh, your brother's
easy to be nice to,

like puppy dogs
or homeless people.




- He's...
- Nice.

It's not like
I'm making him out

to be Sean the Saint
or anything.

- If we were normal girls...
- Which we're not.

We'd be all over that shit.

Okay, fresh meat...

Off the rack.

Thank God we're not normal.


Hey, hey.


I really can't
take you seriously

with that on your head.

Pretty sexy.

Soda? Anyone?
Would you like some?

- Please.
- I would.

Your ass looks good
in those jeans.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Oh, shoot. Aw, Jesus.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I was supposed
to take that out. I can do it.

Oh. Okay.
You need any help?

- Sure. I mean, yeah.
- Okay.

You know, it was
really sweet of you

to hang out with Nathan.

Yeah, sure. Uh, Nathan's weird,
but potentially very cool.

- Temporarily weird.
- Hmm.

Empirical proof that,
uh, phases are real.

- Yuck.
- Yeah.

Well, here.
Let me help you.

Oh, thank you, Sean.

There we go.

Is your hand okay?

Yeah, you know, just when you
touch something gross.

- Yuck.
- Oh... hmm.

- Oh, no, not you.
- Oh. Well, that's a relief.

- Not me.
- I meant... I meant the trash.

- Oh, okay.
- Not you.

- I'm gonna go inside.
- Yeah. Yeah.

You know, um,
you're kind of weird, too.

Did you make that up?
I like that line.

Who says it was a line?

Well, if you're being earnest,
then that's mean.

So does that mean you're hopeful
I'm trying to pick you up?

"Pick me up."

What is this, like 1976?

- You're pretty funny.
- No, I'm not.

- Yeah, you are. You're...
- Yeah.

You're smart, clever, funny,
you like science.

And all that equals ugly.

Well, you're
definitely not ugly.


You're just, um...

you're beautiful and smart.


Beautiful and smart.

Okay, I can't. I can't.

I can't.

- Okay.
- I'm sorry.

- No, it's, uh...
- Shit.

It's okay, um...

Um, I'm not available.

If you don't know that already,
then you're gonna find out soon.

Ahem... all right.

Um... yeah. Okay.

I, um... I gotta...


- Sorry about everything.
- No, it's fine.

Have a good night.


Well, if it isn't Allyson
coming to put her claws in Sean.

She's quite
the little wench.

Yeah, apparently so.

Fuck, that was fast.

That poor boy has no idea
what he's getting into.

Mommy. Mommy.

- Come on, little bit.
- Check it out.

Shh shh shh!

Get in the car.

Come on.

 Up, baby, up and down 

-  Come on 
-  Down, down 

 Till you
touch the ground 

 Up, baby, up and down 

 Come on 

 Shake it up
like I knew you would 

 With a little bit
of pole-shakin' action 

 A booty like that
put boys in traction 

 Shake, baby, shake,
baby, shake 

 Don't stop 

 Knees in the air,
got her derriere... 

So you met Wendy?

Uh, yeah, I met her.

Yeah. Then you know
all about the group?

Uh... no.

Oh, come on,
you know what I mean.

Horny. I understand
why the guys do it,

but girls?

It's total depravity.

Hey, you know, you should
talk to Ryan and Aaron.

Well, I mean,
you know they got out.

 Pole-shakin' action,
booty like that 

 Put boys in traction 

 Run, run, run,
grab them a Honey-Bun 

 Run, run, run, run 

What do you
mean, "Got out"?

What is it, like
a cult or something?

I guess. I mean...

I don't really know
what else you could call it.

Hey, don't you have to kill
yourself to be in a cult?

Uh... I don't know, Allyson.

And... And they all have sex
with each other.

Oh, it's pathetic. I know.

So how is what you're doing

any different than what
they're doing, I mean...

... till you
touch the ground 

 Up, baby, up and down 

- Well, it just is.
-  Down, down 

 Till you
touch the ground 

You know, I invite them here
every single weekend,

and they never show.

They just think they're
so much better than us.

... till you
touch the ground 

 Up, down 

Do you know they put
in a stripper pole?

-  Up, down 
- That is so cool.

- I'm gonna take a turn.
- Okay.

 Up, down 

Hey, baby!

 Everybody want
to give it up 

 Up, down 

 Stretchin' it,
you go up, down 

 Mama wanna do
the up, down 

 Daddy gonna do the up 

-  Down 
- Ryan!

- Hey!
- Hey!


 Such a small world 

 I seen her
just the other day 

So, you know Wendy, right?

No. Really.

Um, look,
I just want to, uh...

I heard you... you two were...

I'm her next door neighbour,
so you know what...


Look, we had this...
It was like a...

It was an arrangement, okay?
The eight of us.

And when Aaron and I decided

we didn't wanna be a part
of it anymore, we left.

It's not like I had
to be deprogrammed or anything.

Everybody wants it
to be some big deal.

- So it's like this club...
- No. No.

- Okay, what is it, then?
- It isn't an "lt."

Okay. Wait, hold on
for one second, okay?

Hey, you can go on in.
I'm just...

Ahem... All right,
so whatever...

whatever this thing is,

it's enough of a thing where
I can't talk to her, right?

No. I...

I don't know. Maybe you
can talk to her at school.

Okay? You should...

You know, you should join
the student council.

I mean, we all...
They're all in it.

I don't do it anymore.

You're kidding, right?
Student council?

What, you thought we just
hung out and smoked crack?

No. I don't know. L...

- I don't know.
- Amnesty, we...

We did model congress.

Um, last year, we worked
on two local campaigns.

Smart kids who have sex.
It happens.

I have a question.

- What?
- I bet you do.

If you could torture anyone,
who would it be?

Who would it be?

I would definitely want
to torture Jack Black.

Why? He's funny.

He's perfect
torture material.

He's so fat and cute.
I love him.

He thinks he's funny
so he'd be laughing...

- Oh.
- Till I made him cry.

- Who would you torture?
- Lindsay Lohan.

How'd I know
you were gonna say that?

- I love you.
- I love you.

- Oh, I love you.
- Obvious and tired.

I love you.

Something original.

Hey, Ann, are you, uh... Are you
putting in or taking out?

Taking out.

I'm surprised
your box isn't empty.

I'd torture Eminem
without a doubt.

- Why, Jonah? Why the E-Man?
- He's so smug, you know?

It's like...
I just wanna tie him up

and shock him and stuff,
you know? Like...


In a tub of water,
like Abu Ghraib. Like, zzzz!

Nice. Oh, my God.
He's a gay boy.

What do you want, guys?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

The marbles that I stole
in fifth grade.

- Why?
- Huh?

- Because it's bad karma.
- Really?

You don't know
anything about karma.

I'll fuckin' show you
bad karma, bitch.

Wait a second.
I stole that marble...

You did!

And you were holding
onto it for me.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God, that's so right.

That's so right, right?
Because somebody said...

- "Rah rah rah..."
- Lisa Nishi.

- Dude!
- Lisa Nishi!

Totally Lisa Nishi.

Said that
if you stole the marble

that she would
let you sit with her

like during lunch period
or something?

I never said.

Who plays marbles anyways?

- It's like dip-shitty 1957.
- So...


- One Olsen.
- No!

- That's all I'd ask for.
- Uh-Uh!

- I don't need both of 'em.
- No way.

I just need one.
If I could have one,

I will be
so happy and stuff.

Really, it'd just be... I don't
know, completely delicious,

- and in the event...
- And then, there's another one?

You can just do it
all over again.

You wanna do it again?
Then go. Two times.

Double the pleasure,
and double the fun.

- Suck on that.
- Wendy, it's your turn.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

- What?
- You can't mess with that.

- After...
- Oh, really?

Let's see. I am puttin'
in like a penis.

Oh, thank God.

You know, I'm so sick
of everyone taking out.

You know, it's like first,
you put it in the box

and cry for whatever
dumbass memory it stands for,

and then you fish it out,
saying you want it back.

- It's like...
- Crying?

- Who's crying?
- You know what I mean?

- It's...
- Who's crying now?

I'm crying.
I'm totally crying.

- No tears.
- I feel sad.

No tears.

- That was a gift.
- No tears.

What's left
in Senorita Price's box?


It's like, "Ooh, this is
the black nail polish I wore

when I wanted to be Goth."

Wait. What's it like?

- Hey, it's my box!
- It's like, "Ooh."

I can do whatever I want.

Hey, in more ways
than one, honey.

- Good point.
- It is your box.

Thank you.

- Wendy, you're putting that in?
- Yes.

Hootchie necklace,
in it goes.

- That was a gift.
- You know what?

You're the one always saying
that we shouldn't apologize.

I don't think
we're a fucking joke.

I don't think it's funny.

- I'm funny.
- You're freakin' hilarious.

Okay, either Abraham Lincoln...

- Whoa.
- Or me at 12 years old.

Double whoa.

Fuck, that's such
a good answer, man.

Yeah, I never
thought of that.

Right there.

Well... I went.

- We all went.
- We all went.

You fuckers
gonna help me clean up?

- No.
- No.

Dude, you have
a fucking maid, man.

I wish I cared.
I really wish I cared.

Who'll report back
to my fucking dad, man.

- I heard you.
- I wanna get up.

I'm uncomfortable.

- We suck.
- Eat it.


I think Price got
really cute this summer.

Can we stop
using that word, "Cute"?

Bunnies are cute.
Pet rats are cute. Men are sexy.

They're not really men
yet, though, are they?

- They will be.
- And they'll be our men.


And in 10 years,
they'll be the strongest,

smartest men around,
and they'll be all ours.

Mmm. In 10 years?

Yeah, in 10 years,
I won't be here.

Why not?

What, after
all you've invested,

after almost 17 years
of training, of learning?

What, you just think that
you're gonna start from scratch?

Are you serious?
What... What's your plan?

Are you just gonna get a big
mansion in Utah or something?

- We'll all live together!
- Yes! Oh, yes!

- You'll see.
- Yes.

We'll all
go to college together,

and we'll get houses next door.


- Oh!
- Ow! Aha!

Oh, my head!


You have
like 16 split ends.

Shut up.

Do you think that
when we go to college that...


This is the best time.

This is the time

when we don't have to think
about things like college.

It's Sunday.

You're a genius.

Shh. We're supposed to be
having our quiet Zen time.

Ooh! Schedule! Give.

It's almost identical
to mine.

What, you didn't hack
into the computers,

get us all
in the same classes?

That would be wrong,
and I'm never wrong.

I have seen you so wrong.

Besides, if we all have
the same classes,

we wouldn't have an opportunity
to meet anybody new.

There isn't
anybody new here, sweetheart,

maybe the preschoolers.

No. Sean.

He moved in next door to Wendy,
went out with Allyson.

when tongue touching

was like the weirdest
thing in the world?

You know, you think that...
that kissing somebody new

is kinda like that, like...
like touching tongues?

Think I totally skipped
tongue touching

and went straight
for tongue wrestling.

I seem to recall.

I recall you were
my willing victim.

That's what I remember.


Oh, yes,
ain't nothing classier

than a girl who'll go down
on you in a basement.

I love that you are
the arbiter of class.

Yeah, me too.


Hey, jealous.


- Mmm!
- Hello.

- Mwah!
- Mwah!

- Hey, guys.
- Hello.

Hey, guys.

Rarr rarr rarr
rarr rarr...

I think what Sophocles
is saying is that man...

like people,
like man and woman,

they're in this battle
that can't be won.

But they have to fight,
you know,

'cause they have this nature,

this, what do you call it,


Like a Sicilian.

Right on.

That's great.


I'm just a guy.
I'm not the man.

You can contribute.
Go ahead, talk.

Okay, uh...

Well, see, I actually...
I think you mean, um, Sisyphus.

Oh. Wait, we don't...
We don't, um...

We don't correct people.
Um, we... You know, we...

We gather together,
and we add things,

and we contribute
and discuss,

but we don't correct.

Uh, everything that's brought
to the circle has merit.

Do you have anything
that you wanna contribute?


- Wendy?
- If you're gonna help him out,

you might as well
really help him out.

Promethean, not Sisyphean.

Oh, and for the record,

not everything
said here has merit.


Hey, will you walk me home?


- Bye.
- Cool.

Love you, guys,
and I totally mean it.

No, she doesn't.

So, how many schools
do we have in common?

For next year?

- Yeah.
- Uh...

No, right now, dumbass.

Yeah, uh...

- Careful.
- I don't know, maybe five.

Out of...?

Uh, six or seven?

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Those are pretty
good odds, then, right,

that we'll all get
in the same school?

Ooh, well, Jonah will get in
wherever he wants,

but he'll go where we go.



Oh, oh!

I'll throw you
in the water!

Oh! Pfft!

Shh. It's okay.

- No. I'm not talking.
- Everything under control.

- We are fighting.
- I love you.

- We're fighting.
- Love you. Mean it.

- We're fighting.
- Love you. Mean it.


- I need a mike, too.
- Testing, one, two.

- Testing.
- I need a mike.

Are you trying
to miss them?

- Yes!
- Up, up!

- Nice!
- Yeah!

Let's see, Maur,

what the lovely Billie
has for us tonight.

Are you ready, Rhonda?
Are you ready?

Ladies and ladies...

That's me and you!

Get your sandwiches out
and your wafers

'cause we're ready to bid
on some sexy fellas.

First up, we have Johnny!


Whoo! Johnny!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I do say.

Wearing the traditional
cowboy look

with a little bit of pizzazz.

Get on up there, monkey.

Maureen, I gotta tell ya,

I've never seen pants
so tight in my life.

Is that right?
That's fabulous.

That is about the best piece
of ass I have seen in years.

I would do him eight Sundays
in a row and a Sabbath.

Thank you.

Hey, sexy.


Can I just make
an addition right here?

Yes, absolutely.



A moment of silence for Depp.


- Very nice.
- Nice.

Love him.

Next up, we have... Bernard.


Ay dios mio.

- Oh, my gosh!
- Oh, wow.

Look at his hair!

Maur, you can see
the fabulous faux leather pants.

Those were featured
last week

by Nicole Richie,
actually in a bra.

You look amazing.

- You think so?
- Amazing.


Billie, I wanna
give you new hair?


Pull the pants down.


Eat the microphone. Eat it.


Oh, look, he's like
a little brontosaurus.

- Oh, God.
- That's right.

- I'm gonna vomit.
- Very nice.

And last, but definitely
not least, we have... Chip!

- Chip?
- Chip!

Very nice!

 Wah wah wah 

- I love the anarchist look.
- Yeah.

Who's got dollar bills?
We're gonna...

- Yeah!
- I don't, but I have cookies.



Put 'em in the shorts!
Put 'em in the shorts!

- Ahh!
- Whoo!

I am definitely feeling
some joy at this moment.

- Whoo!
- Look at that ass, Maur.

Oh, my God.

My goodness. The belt.
An added touch.

- I like it.
- Whoo!

Very nice.

You can see they've been
prepping for the Olympics

all summer.

Very nice.

Gotta make my money.
Gotta make my money.

I don't have dollar bills,
but I have cookies.

- Dance for the money.
- Whoo!

Who's gonna eat that?

Billie, I would like
to congratulate you

on a wonderful display.


Your fashion line-up's
so beautiful, so moving,

so revolutionary.


Um, now, I hope you'd all
like to join us on the table.



- Morning, Mom.
- Morning.

I would kill for your body.

Best thing I can say
is don't get pregnant.

I'd have
a flat stomach by now

if I'd stayed a person
and not become a mother.



Geez. Can we go?

- Hold on.
- How?

- You go.
- Where?

Go see
if he wants a ride.

Shut up.
He'll think I'm gay.



- Well, I don't know.
- So go.

- But I'm not gay.
- Why do you even care?

I completely care.

Are you gonna ask a girl
out today?

- Hmm?
- Mm, no.

No? Then be
a little gay for me.

You be a little gay.

Guess you're
our new neighbours.

Yeah. I'm
your next door Nathan.


I mean, I'm your
next door neighbour, Nathan.




I forgot. Sorry. It's... I...


- Hi.
- Hey.

Um, my brother was supposed
to come over here

and ask if Sean wanted
a ride to school.

What happened?

Well, I think he was dropped
on his head as a child.

My brother, not your son.

- Well, that would be great.
- Yeah.

The ride, not the head drop.

You rang?

Sorry. I thought
that was Sean's room.

It is.

Well, uh, tell him
he's got a ride waiting.

All right.

So I heard
you were a scientist.

Yeah, I am, actually.

I'm in a bit
of a holding pattern.

But are you interested
in science or math?

Yeah. A little bit, so...

- Yeah.
- See ya.

See ya.

- Wendy.
- We need your help.

Billie's acting
as the big, bad wolf again.



Is there a problem, ladies?


We wanna be referred to
as women.


Yes, "Women,"
I think it's time to go.

We're leaving?

Yeah. We have a senior meeting
and some other... things...

- Okay.
- To do.

I'll go to a "Thing."

No, I said
some other things.

- That, too.
- Hey. Psst!

Don't be an instigator.

Well, I was
just tryin' to make sure

our little housewife
is bein' a good girl.

- What do I always tell you?
- Because they named her Ryan...

After a soap opera.

Don't name kids
after soap operas.

Mm! How many times do we
have to tell you people?

Hope you weren't counting
on a basketball scholarship.

You know, it's impossible to be
with me. You know that, right?

You wanna be with me,
don't you?

Well, I wanna kiss you.

I mean, pretty much every time
I see you, I wanna kiss you.

You know Ryan? She used
to be one of my best friends,

and now we don't
even talk anymore.

- And Aaron?
- Aaron.

I've seen him naked
a bunch of times, you know.

He's like my ex-boyfriend.
You have ex-girlfriends, right?

It's like the same thing.

Oh, I don't know
if that's the same.

- I know you don't.
- It doesn't make any sense.

What? Why I'm
so naturally athletic?

You never even asked me
if it's true.

Well, is it?

It's like a Greek tragedy
waiting to happen.

I don't live in that world.

Oh, yeah?
And what world is that?

The world of boyfriends,

of... of... of holding hands,
of first dates?

No, you jackass.

Of disposable girlfriends
and bracelets for blowjobs

and making out and macking
and hooking up and going down

and text-messaging some guy

that's gonna come
all over my shirt.

That world.

Well, you don't know
what you're missing.

I can take a guess.

Okay, so what
about the other world?

The world where there's
just one girl and one guy,

and, you know, we just go out
with each other, nobody else?

- What about that world?
- Hmm.

You mean fairy tale land?
I've heard of that place.

Well, what if it was real?

You gonna rescue me, huh?

Just you and me
against the world?

- If you want me to.
- Mm.


Did you just sigh?

Um... ahem. No, it was...

Did I hear
a little sigh right now?

No, there was no sigh.
It was just, I... I made a noise.

Kind of sounded like a girl
in a romance novel.


Well, I don't know
what to say.

I just made a noise.
It was...

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Ohhh... Ahhhhh!

- Mmmmm!
- Yes!


Did you hear that?
We did that.


Leave them, okay?
You just be with me.

- Maybe.
- Yeah.

Maybe what?

- Maybe...
- Maybe what?


- Price?
- Oh, thank God.


- You're gonna laugh.
- No, I'm not.

- Your hair.
- Yeah.

I brought these pictures
into this guy.

He was really cool. He had
tattoos on his fingers, and...

- Wow. I just, uh...
- You don't like it?

I think it's cool.

What? You know...

I mean, you think
people will notice?

Yeah. Yeah.

- Be worse if they didn't.
- Would it?

I heard you thought
I got, uh, hotter.

Mmm, I think I said cuter.

Is there a difference?

No, you did.

Lost a little bit of weight,
you've been workin' out.

I got a nose job.


Yeah. And I do
crunches every day.

A hundred, sometimes 500.

I don't understand.
A nose job?


I wanna look good
for you guys.

I mean, it's worth it to me
to have all of you, each of you.

And... l'd get
10 more surgeries

and do a thousand more
sit-ups for you.

I mean, wouldn't you?
For all of us?



You wanna walk
over to Robert's with me?



Um... I can't.




Really? Beer?

I don't know.

I really...

I really tried. I just wasn't
like, um... wasn't...

Listen, don't
ever fake it, right?


Because faking it
is for dumbass girls

who hook up
with the first guy

in baggy jeans and
some earth-fucking SUV.

And we are not those girls.
You are not that girl.


Then what kind of girl am I?

A very bad girl.


"And when she was good,
she was very good.

"But when she was bad...

"she was horrid."

Oh! Oh, shit.


Are you okay?


I don't know
what I'm doing here.

I can't promise
I'm not gonna jump you

in the middle of the night.

 I swear I don't know
what time it is 

 But I know this means 

 Nothing much to me 

 And I hear the voices 

 Telling me to let go 

 Let go 

 Telling me to let go 

 Let go 

 Telling me to let go 

 To let go 

I can't.

Y-You can't, and then you can.
You don't, and then you do.

I mean... how much more of this
am I supposed to take?

Just till graduation.
Just till graduation.

Oh, great.
Okay. All right, fine.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

What, now you want me?

- Why?
- Hmm?

You can't wait seven months
for me? Just seven months.

You know what,
if you were gonna join...

If you were gonna join
the army or something,

you know, then...
then, yeah, maybe,

but you're gonna hook up
with three guys

for the next seven months.

You know what? I don't...
I don't think I can.



You wanna be
like your parents?

Yeah, I guess.
They seem pretty happy.

Yeah, I guess.

- You know what?
- What?

You should meet me
this afternoon.

- Yeah?
- Mm-Hmm.

I don't know.

Maybe. Maybe, okay?

- Maybe?
- Maybe, yeah.

- Wait here.
- Ooh.


- Hi.
- Hi.

Um... is Sean home?

Uh, I think
he's still at school.

Okay. So, uh,
he actually lent me...

He, um...

He lent me these comics.

I read them.

Do you need help
with anything?


So do you
stay home all day?

You mean, like a housewife?
God, no.

I work for a drug company
in research and development.

I used to teach science
part-time, but, you know,

now that Sean's grown up,

I... I get to have a real,
full-time job.

So... you didn't go
to work today, right?

Uh, no. L... I took
a little time to get settled.

You know, but... doesn't seem
to be that much to do.

What does, uh, your...
um, you know, Sean's dad...

- What's he do?
- Oh, Bill.

He's in finance,
um, you know, banking.

The funny thing is, he's...

he's, like, really bad
with money. Terrible...

except if it's
like millions.

I guess
it's not that funny.

No. Guess not.


You... You made that
from my cupboard?

Yeah, I mean, be better
with some fresh hazelnut

and some powdered sugar,

but it's...
it's still really good.

Here, let me get you a fork.


- You cook a lot?
- Yeah. At home, a lot.

You know,
first it just started out

with, you know,
the simple, basic...

just steak, rice,
and green beans...

Not that my mom or my sister
even noticed, but...

then I just started
to teach myself lots of things.

You know, I'm
pretty much self-taught.

Just... I just taught myself

how to make, um, fresh bread
and... and pastries.

- Those are really, really easy.
- Who knew?

I'll teach you
a couple things... um, for Bill.

Uh... but right now,
I'm actually working

on a glazed salmon
with risotto.

- Oh.
- So, yeah.

Did you know you have
to drive 90 minutes for frisee?

It's ridiculous, but...

You can cook for me anytime.



Ooh! Oh!

Ow, ow!


You landed on your butt!

- No, I landed on my knee,
- Oh!

And I broke it, actually.

It wasn't that bad.



Oh, shut up.
That didn't hurt.

- No, your rings.
- Oh. Sorry.

- All right, that's okay.
- Wow. Hit me again.

Come on, hit me for real.

- What?
- Yeah. Come on.

Hit me for real.

I wanna see what it
feels like to get spanked.

- No, I'm not gonna hit you.
- Come on.

If I'm telling you it's okay,
then you're not gonna hurt me.

- Come on, spank me.
- No.

- Why not?
- Because...

I've never
been spanked before,

- Yeah, well...
- not once.

Well, I have
been spanked, okay?

My... I got spanked
when I was a kid for stealing.

It hurts, it's cruel.
I'm never spanking my kids.

I'm certainly
not gonna spank you.

You have to.

You know, sometimes,
they're bad,

and they have to learn.

I never learned.

Spank me, please.

Come on, just once.

All right, this is... this is
gonna be quick, and then...

- Okay, you know what?
- Come on. Keep going.

- This is really weird.
- Why'd you stop?

- Keep going.
- No, I can't.

This... This is abnormal.

I'm not abnormal.

No, I didn't
say you were abnormal.

- I just said this was...
- Fine, fine, fine.

I'm abnormal, and you just want
the girl next door.

Uh, you are
the girl next door.

You know what I mean!

Look, come back, please?

- No, I have calculus.
- This is ridiculous.

- Yeah, yeah, well, so do I.
- So, go to work.

Look, don't you want me
to take you out on dates?

You know, like, we'll...

we'll sip ice cream sodas,
we'll have picnics in the park,

that kind of thing?

I mean, don't you want that?

Shouldn't we have done that
before we had sex?

I'm sorry. I don't...

I mean... Ahem... I don't
know how to do this.

L... l... I don't know
how to be a girlfriend.

I'm not sure
I even wanna know how.

Come here. Come here.
Get over here.

What do you want?

Uh, I want world peace.

Oh, look, Sarcastic Man.

Able to be a jerk
in a single bound.

Yeah, bite me.

No, no! Don't bite me!

You're not gonna break me.

I promise.


So you guys never did this
before on your Saturday nights?

- Ohh... no.
- No?

I don't know...
how much I believe you.

Are we talking or spanking?

We're spanking.

Ow, fucker.
Everybody has to be into it.

Not everybody likes
to get spanked, I guess.

Do you?

Ow! Stop.

No. Look, put your fuckin'
hands down, okay?

There's no hitting me,
you hear that?

There's no hitting me.

Oh, yeah?
We're making rules now?


I thought you'd like it
if we had rules.

Don't you... Don't you have rules
in your little club?

Stop calling it that.

Well, what would you call it?

They're my best friends.

I've known them
since elementary school,

and I love them.



Okay, okay, okay.
All right.

It's your game, okay?

You make it sound perverted
when you call it that.

You don't think
it's perverted?

No, I don't.

I never worry, like about
if I'm pretty or sexy.

Never worry about going
to parties or being alone...

because I love them.

- They're really cool people.
- Who you like to fuck.

So? I like to sleep
with you, too.

You're never gonna
make me feel like they do.

So are those the only rules?

Be honest.

That's the other one.

I guess you're breakin'
that one with me.


Come here.

So were you lying?

- When?
- When you said you loved me?

- I never said that.
- But you do.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, so say it then.

I love you.


Say it back.

- Maybe I will if, uh...
- No, you don't have to.

I love you.

I love you.

This is where
we kiss now, right?

 I can't stand it,
I'm gonna explode 

 My insides comin' out 

 So what do I do now? 

 So what do I do now? 

 So what if
I don't know how? 

 So what? 

 So what? 

She won't do it, will she?


What, are you thinking
of running away?

How 'bout we play
the whole fantasy game

Jonah was talking about?

We'll hold you down.
We'll make you scream.

Shut up, Billie.

Hey, you have no idea

what it means
if she leaves right now.

- It doesn't mean anything.
- We're fine.

- Stop being such a brat, huh?
- You can't force her.

That's a rule.

You can stop if you want.

- Yeah, we can stop.
- No! We can't fucking stop!

We don't stop!
We don't turn back!

Hey, psycho, let me know
when Billie returns.

Fuck you! Hey!

Look at me, huh?
Look at me.

Look at me.

Look at you, okay?

We are 17,

and we are never gonna
look like this again.

We want it.
Our bodies want it.

I don't want it.

Well, fuck you.

- Billie, Billie!
- Fucking whore!

- Fuckin' bitch!
- How original!

All right. All right.

Let's just break up the fight,
all right. It's a joke.

You either do Jonah right now,
or you are so completely gone.

- Do him?!
- Hold on!

Do him? We don't
fucking do each other!

Who the fuck are you?

Hey! I'm not kidding!

- Wait! Let's stop.
- I'm not kidding!

Let's just stop.
Let's just stop.

- Let's just stop.
- Shut up the fuck up, Ann!

- Billie!
- Shut up. Huh?

You gonna go crying
to your boyfriend,

tell him how you
almost cheated on him?

Shut up, Billie.

- Hold on.
- What?

- Boyfriend?
- Shut up.



 Pinned to the earth 

 Like the scars 

 On my hand,
aren't you, son? 

- Is that your boyfriend?
- Huh?


Oh, look how cute and cuddly
you guys are together.

Maybe you're thinking
about getting married

and having kids,
or maybe you wanna have kids,

and then get married
and get furniture together.

- Shut the door.
- You know what is so fucked up?

Nobody ever gets
to be a girlfriend.

It's always my girlfriend,
my car, my dog.

It is my car.

You are just a barely
conscious amoeba

just willing to give up
your own fucking individuality

for a dick!


I'd rather not have sex
again than be like you!

... won't go 

 The air weighs a ton 

 What have we become now? 

 What have we become? 

 What have we done? 

 What have I done? 

 We lit forth the run 

 What have we become? 

 What have I done? 

 Fallin' down 

- Ahem...
- Uh, is, uh, Helen here?


Could you just tell her that
Nathan's here with the salmon?

Look, uh, this isn't
really a good time, all right?

We're kind
of in the middle of somethin'.

- What is that?
- It's a salmon with risotto.

I promised Helen that
when I got it finished,

I would bring it over
to her for her to try.

If it's okay,
can I just come in and...

- Okay, look, uh, Mason...
- Nathan.

Nathan, could you either
just, uh, leave that here

or, like,
leave a message, okay?

Actually, if I could just...

Look, I gotta get back
to her right now, all right?

Go home. You can bring
your glazed whatever the...

- Salmon.
- Salmon tomorrow, okay?

Go home!

Kid outside wants
to deliver a fish.

You are such a shit.

- What?
- He's a nice kid.


- Is this okay?
- Well, you tell me.

I don't know. It's not too,
like, cute or something?

- Okay, hold on for a second.
- What? Hey.

How about this? How about
we lock down the premises here

- to make sure nobody sees us
- Stop.

- Holding hands, huh?
- Hey. Hey.

This is hard for me, too.
Be nice.

I am nice.

Be nice.

You're right.
You're right.

I'll be nice, okay?
I'll be nice.

It's just holding hands.

- This is okay, I promise.
- All right.

This... This is okay.

What about this?

This might be breaking
some rules, right?


I hate you.


You left.

Oh, God. Jesus.

Stop, hey. You left.

Now's not the time
to push people away.

What is it the time for, Ryan?

You know what?
You're lucky.

See, when I left,
I only had Aaron.

You've got me and Aaron...
and Sean.

Lucky me.

- I knew you'd leave.
- Mmm.

You don't know shit.

- Wendy.
- What?

You sound ridiculous
when you swear.

What's up
with your slut clogs?

Aaron loves sluts.

I like doing
nice things for him.

Why did you quit amnesty...
and student government?


- Yeah, so you quit.
- Yeah.

Sean's great.



You look nice.


Are you okay?


He didn't put some sort
of voodoo spell on you, did he?

- No.
- Good.

Hey, you know...

I wanted to leave once,
before Ryan and Aaron even.

Why didn't you?

Too chicken, I guess.

Was it for another guy?


Anyway, I just...

I just wanted to tell you
that I was proud of you.

You know what? It was brave.

Stupid, but brave.

I wish I could have done it,
but... whatever.

I got to tell you,
though, if I left,

I'd make sure to destroy
it all on my way out.

You know, like scorched earth,
American G.I. Style.

If you leave
the enemy resources,

uh... they'll use them.

Billie took your box.
I'm sorry.

I'll see you.

Your friends... all of us...
we don't wanna let you go,

and we won't do it.

What if I want to?

If you were a mother and your
kid was about to lose a limb...

I don't know.

Wouldn't you maybe
fight to keep it?

That's not really
the same thing.

Oh, well, we feel it is.

Oh, are you speaking
for everyone now?

- Yeah.
- Mm-Hmm.

- I don't believe you.
- Sorry.

This is you terrified...


and you have no idea
what to do.

He wants me,
and that kills you.

Not so far.

I'm not the box, Billie.
You are.

You're a sad, pathetic...

limited, little box.



Oh, yeah, God forbid
your kiddie porn gets ruined.

That's not what's in here.

No. It's all puppies
and "I love unicorns"

and tapioca pudding.

- It's not porn. It's just...
- They made you do it, right?

Screw you.

I don't know
how to do this.

I mean, what do we do now?
We fight? What do we do?

You don't get to be the innocent
little girl, not after...

- Uch!
- Uch, what? What, this?

What, this stuff?
This is real. This happened.

What are you so afraid of?

What, you just want me to
magically become a virgin again?

- Yes.
- You're not fuckin' serious.

I want you to burn it, okay?
I want you to burn that box.

- You're delusional.
- I mean, does this...

Does any of this have
any value to you?

Lmagine all the memories
that you've ever had,

all the embarrassing, funny,
great moments with a girlfriend,

without whatever,
fucking by yourself.

Imagine it all in one place.
Now you burn it.

I would.

Don't be average.

It's not different.

Either you're in this with me,
or you're not.

But I showed up.

I am not a new me, okay?

I'm not new now
just because you met me!

Okay, fine. Fine.

You could really forget
about everything, huh?

You could forget everything
if I just burned that box?


That I was
ever somebody different.

Yes, I would.

And if you could just stop
reminding me of it every day.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

I miss her.

Fuck her!
Are you crying?

Yeah, fuck you, too!

Fuck you, Billie...

you manipulative bitch.

Fuck you.

So you're gonna come
on Saturday, huh?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Do you remember what you're
saying yes to? No. Do you?

Well... we're having dinner
with my parents.

your little group now?


You're gonna
do it tonight, right?

Wendy, you're gonna
burn the box, right?

- What?
- Get out, Billie!

Damn slut!

Roll on out, Billie!

- Aww!
- Oh, poor Billie!

- I have to see if she's okay.
- No, come on.

Please don't go.
Don't go to her.

I'm not gonna burn it.

I'm not gonna say I'm sorry
for what happened.

Okay, just keep...
Keep your voice down!

I am not gonna apologize!

I just gave up five of the best
people in the world for you!

Yeah, five people
who you slept with!

So what?!

So what?!
They meant something to me!

I'm just... I just walked out
and destroyed my life

and walked away for this?!

This is me, okay?
I'm offering you me.

Me in exchange
for the five of them, okay?

That's what I'm offering you.


This is
a fairy tale, okay?

That's what this is.


You don't want me
as a girlfriend.

You remember
Miss Hise's class?

We tortured
her daughter, Greer.

Well, she carried
these book bags.

Oh, she smelled
fucking terrible.

I totally remember that.

And then in, like,
the third grade...

What? I decided
to do this dance,

remember, when
my parents split up?

- Like that movie, Flashdance?
- We saw that on cable.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

And I can see it.
I see.

I can see
little third grade me,

like getting up there
to do the dance.

I wanna tell her to stop,
and I can't.

I am so embarrassed
just even thinking about it.


Hey, your friends,
all of us...


I don't want to let you go.

I love you.

- Yeah, me, too.
- Yeah.

Hug me, bitch.

He wants me to burn the box.

Of course, because then he could
pretend like you're a virgin,

and then he'd be
the conquering hero.

What's so heroic
about conquering a labia?


What, you mean like vag'?

"Vag'." I hate that word.

Hey, you totally, like,
know that we're like...

two of the most awesomest people
in school, right?

Yeah, we're so the awesomest.

And you do know

that he's not gonna let you
or your labia go, right?

- If he asks, I'll just say no.
- Or you say yes,

and you end up shitting
all over this family again.

It's not gonna happen.

It's not.

Look, just saying it twice
isn't gonna make it true.

You have to make it impossible
for him to ask.

You have to go in there
and show him the worst in you,

so he knows it's over.

Yeah, scorched earth, huh?


We're scaring you.

- You're disturbing us, Billie.
- Oh, gosh, we're sorry.

Do it.

Did she ever tell you
where the scar came from?

All the girls know about it,
but the guys didn't.

Didn't know about Uncle Bob.

I believe it was
"Dear, old Uncle Bob."

And that, what,
he smelled like Aqua Velva

and tasted like Doritos?

And that dear, old Uncle Bob,
well, he liked to touch you.

Shut up.

- Bitches.
- Billie, let's go.

Ryan here...

she liked it.

What, um...
it made her feel all...

How did it
make her feel, Wendy?


- Hot?
- What about, um...

What about gang rape, huh?
We used to play gang rape.

That wasn't me.

We used to pretend
like we were firemen?

Or how you used to cut yourself
with an exacto blade?

You thought you were a vampire

all the way
through eighth grade.


How about the fact
that Jonah and Robert

had been sleeping together
for three years, huh?

Or how Ann's mother used
to tie her hands together

so she wouldn't
touch herself anymore?

Or how I pissed all over
myself at that spelling bee

in third grade?

Or how Aaron puked when
you got your period in fifth?

What about the fact that Price
cheated on us at spring break

and gave everyone crabs?

How about that?

Yeah, we're
a fucking awesome family!

You can burn the box.

I don't need it anymore.

 Super automatic pilot,
motor runnin' down 

in the parking lot 

 Self-sustaining system 

 Bit her in the neck
and quick and kissed her 

 And took all she got 

 Did you come here
to dance? 

 What's in your glass? 

 Do you feel better? 

 Let it rain,
let it pour 

 Let it rain,
let it pour 



 Let it rain,
let it pour 

distressed her 

 Kind of cursed
and kind of blessed her 

running on the fumes 

 Vision blue and blurry 

 Falling angels
in a flurry 

through the empty room 

 Did you come here
to dance? 

 What's in your glass? 

 Do you feel better now? 

 Let it rain,
let it pour 

 Let it rain,
let it pour 



 Let it rain,
let it pour 

 Super automatic pilot,
motor running down 

in the parking lot 

 Self-sustaining system 

 Bit her in the neck
and quick and kissed her 

 And took all she got 

-  Let it rain, let it pour 
-  Hallelujah 

 Let it rain,
let it pour 

-  Let it rain, let it pour 
-  Hallelujah 

 Let it pour 


 Let it pour 


 Let it pour 

 I can't stand it,
I'm gonna explode 

 My insides comin' out 

 There is a thin layer
filling these cracks 

 And it's made of doubt 

 But I can't doubt this,
not just yet 

 The good
is much too great 

 There is a thin layer
lining this cloud 

 And it's carrying its weight 

 So what do I do now? 

 So what
if I don't know how? 

 So what do I do now? 

 So what? 

 So I can't stand it,
I'm gonna implode 

 My outsides comin' in 

 There is a brick wall
building itself 

 And it wants it
all forgotten 

 But I can't forget,
not just yet 

 The good is much too fine 

 There is a brick wall 

 Aiming to destroy and seek
in a little sunshine 

 So what do I do now? 

 So what do I do now? 

 So what
if I don't know how? 

 So what? 

 So what? 

Special thanks to SergeiK.