Igor Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Igor script is here for all you fans of the John Cusack animated movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Igor quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Igor Script

And every time it rains
It rains pennies from heaven

Don't you know each cloud
contains pennies from heaven?

You'll find your fortune falling

All over town

Be sure that your umbrella
is up-up-up-up-upside down

And trade them for a
package of sunshine and ravioli

Nice weather we're having, huh?

Here in the kingdom of Malaria,

every day's forecast is rainy
with a 100% chance of horror.

It wasn't always like this, though.

Years ago, Malaria was
a sunny land of farmers.

Until the mysterious storm clouds
rolled in and never left.

They killed our crops,
and our people became poor.

And that's when King Malbert thought
up a new way for us to make money,

Evil Inventions.

The kind that crush you,
kill you, bring you back to life,

then kill you again, way worse.

We invent them, and the world
pays us not to unleash them.

Oh, it's a great gig,
especially if you're an Evil Scientist.

Fame, fortune,
a rent-free castle in the hills.

They get it all.
They're the top of the heap.

Igor! Pull the switch!

Yes, Master!

And the bottom of the heap?
Those are the poor slobs like me,

born with a hunch
on our back, Igors.

Actually, that Igor's not me.

Igor! Pull the switch!

Yes, Master!

No, no, no,
that's not me, either.

That's me. See? I look
nothing like those other guys,

much better-looking.

Anyway, all Igors are forced
to serve Evil Scientists.

Our life is a permanent
graveyard shift.

But I never wanted to be an Igor.

I always wanted to
be an Evil Scientist.

Unfortunately, the hunch on
my back was a one-way ticket

to Igor School.

I majored in Talking With a Slur and
graduated with a Yes Masters Degree.

Then, it was off to find a job.

Hi, I'm here about the "Igor Wanted" ad.
My name's Igor.

Well, of course it is.
I've got a hunch on my back.

What's my name gonna be? Kevin?

They didn't
appreciate my creative style.

But eventually, I landed
a job for Dr. Glickenstein.

Pull the switch!

Not the
smartest scientist.

His last invention
was an Evil Lasagna.

It didn't kill anyone.
And it actually tasted pretty good.


Igors aren't
allowed to invent,

but I still manage to work on
my own inventions in secret.

And this new one
is gonna be the one that proves

that I'm the biggest Evil Genius
of them all, and not just another...


Once they see what I can do,
I'll have a whole new life,

and I'll never have to answer
to another master again.

- Sorry, Master.
- What did you say?

Oh! I mean...

Sorry, Master.
I was in the bathroom.

Had a bat stuck in the belfry,
if you know what I mean, Master.

I don't want to hear your
toilet memoirs, you cretin!

I give you five minutes a week
to take care of your business.

I'm not running a resort here!

Now get over there and...

Pull the switch!

Yes, Master!

Yes! Yes!


Who's the failure now, Mother?

Mummy, you were right!

I was never meant to be a scientist.

I should have been
a plumber like you!

That was the first time
he was right all day.

You! Go find me
a 16-gigawatt temporal transducer.

Excuse me, Master, are you sure
you don't mean 21-gigawatt?

You're correcting me?


I should do more improv.

My hunch.

Oh, there she goes. Much better.

Good evening, friends!

That's Scamper,
one of my most successful inventions.

I made him immortal.

Which is kind of a hassle
for him, since he doesn't want to live.

Will nothing end this vicious cycle?

I also made him talk. Which is
a hassle for me, since he never shuts up.

No fair!

You wasted your immortality
formula on the wrong guy, Igor.

That's Brain, one
of my other inventions.

Legend has it when
the smartest man in the world died,

they put his brain in a jar.

This is not that brain.

I wanna live forever!
I got plans! And dreams!

I got a squeaky wheel! Was that me?

Really, Brain?

You want to be trapped in
an endless existential nightmare,

forced to keep living,

even though life is
meaningless and nothing matters?


What exactly did you say?

Too bad he wasted his
intelligence formula on me, too, Brain.

Or should I say "Brian"?

Hey! I was in a hurry!

Stupid permanent marker.


The Evil Science Fair is in a week,

and Glickenstein
is gonna lose again.

Okay, I get it.
You want me to fix his invention.

Now, I'll just need a screwdriver,
some nails and my bag of marbles.

Don't touch his invention, Brain.

Fine! You don't want the
benefit of my brain power?

Then, farewell, Igor.

Like a gentle fawn,
I shall leave this meadow.

On second thought,
maybe I'll stick around,

so I can watch Mr. Smarty-hunch
fix Glickenstein's invention.

I could! But you know
what would happen if I did!

The same thing he'd do if he
found out I invented you two.

He'd recycle me.

Can you imagine being
chopped up and used for body parts

and God knows what else?


Dang it! Still here.

If I had my shot,

I could be one of the greatest
Evil Scientists Malaria has ever seen.

They'd all cheer my name

just like they do for the
great Dr. Schadenfreude!

And now your
master of disaster, the chief of grief,

a man who needs no introduction,

but who will brutally
torture me if he doesn't get one,

Dr. Schadenfreude!

Thank you, thank you.
You're too kind!

And I'm not.

But I want to welcome you all to
my annual pre-Evil Science Fair party.

My girlfriend Jaclyn.

You know, she may seem like
a shallow, conniving wretch...

That's all I got.
That pretty much sums her up.

A toast to the undefeated
winner of 17 Evil Science Fairs

and the greatest Evil
Genius in the world.

Bow for the King!

"The greatest Evil
Genius in the world."

I remember when people
used to call me that.

Back when the clouds destroyed
our peaceful land of farmers,

and my plan to blackmail
the world saved us all!

Yes, as you've told us
all over and over and over.

Yeah, well, here's more.

Did you know that years ago, Schoddy's
family name was Poekelmacher?

His family were pickle-makers!

So, what's your Evil Invention
this year, Doctor, kosher or dill?

I want to shove a pickle
right where the sun don't shine.

You mean Malaria, Master?

No matter how many
Evil Science Fairs I win,

I always have to
bow down to that idiot!

I will never get the respect he gets!

Respect? Respect isn't gonna
keep me in baby-seal boots.

You just need to
keep on winning.

Well, that is spoken
like a true worthless leech,

who, by the way, still has not helped
me steal this year's winning invention.

You know, maybe if
you were a real scientist,

you wouldn't need me to
help you cheat every year.

Your whole lab is fake,
just like you.

And maybe I should throw you
back in the gutter where I found you!

You're one to talk,
Dr. Schadenfraude!

You don't have the guts.

Is Daddy still mad at me?


But you and your friend Heidi
still have a little job to do.

Oh, we're trying.

Well, try a little bit harder!

Because this year,

I won't stop at just
winning the Evil Science Fair.

I'm gonna unleash
my winning invention

on the King's smug little face,

and then he'll be
the one groveling at my feet!

Hi there!

Look, it's your
little girlfriend, Heidi.

You take a cocoa break,

and I'll guard your plans
for your new invention.

No, wait! You'll spill on my plans.

Heidi, you're not careful enough!

You're so sloppy sometimes.

Oh, poopshkin.

I went to the evil bookstore and
got you an inspirational poster.

It's a little kitten!

To remind you to always take time
in your day for a little torture.

My transducer!

Time to go!
I have no time for cocoa or kittens!

I have to work on
my plans alone and in secret.

In other words, bon voyage.

Who doesn't like
tortured kittens?

I... I like kittens.

I don't like dirty
little hunchpeople.

Great, Schadenfreude's
gonna kill me.

And why are there
two transducers?

Master, the 21-gigawatt
might be somewhat safer, I think.

Think? Igors don't think.

I'm using the 16-gigawatt, you fool!

Now, get over there
and pull the switch!

What are you waiting for?

Yes, Master!

Yes! Yes!


I told you the 16 would work, you Igor!

Behold my rocket ship!

Born to stream
through the world,

unleashing pain and
misery on everyone.

I named her after you, Mother.

Now to take the old
cow for a test drive.

No, Master!
The rocket is going to...

Uh... Yeah, that.


Now I can throw out that rug in
the foyer. That thing is hideous.

We were all thinking it. I just said it.

Oh, no, who's that?
What am I gonna do?

Relax, this is Glickenstein's castle.

And he doesn't have to
open that door for anyone.

Open for the King!

- Except for the King.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

He's here to see Glickenstein!
What do I tell him?

Tell him the truth.
And if he kills us,

I'll come back and give
you a beautiful funeral.

Right, right. The truth,
that's a good option. Right, right.

Glicky! Glicky, my boy!

Where's Glicky?

Your Highness, he's gone.

Curse it! I need to see his invention.

Schadenfreude is
getting too popular.

The people might make him king.

Someone has to beat him this year,

with an invention
more evil than his.

Someone who can snatch
Schadenfreude's number one position

and rub his face in number two!


Your Highness,
Dr. Glickenstein is creating life!

Did you say "life"?


Thinking, breathing life that can
destroy freely all on its own.

No Evil Scientist has ever
been able to create life!

Oh, sure, they've mutated life.
They've ended life.

They've blasted life
into a million gooey pieces.

But created life?

A weapon like that would be
the greatest Evil Invention of all time.

And its inventor
the greatest Evil Scientist of all time?

Of course! This is what
I've been waiting for.

And it's your job to make sure
nothing happens to Glickenstein,

or I'll throw you down the recycling chute
and use your hunch as a speed bump!

Oh, this is big.
Schadenfreude's winning streak is over.

Come on, boys!
Let's go kick some old people.

Ow! What is wrong with you?

That's for having a death wish.
That's my thing.

I am not gonna die, Scamper.

For the first time ever,

I'm gonna live!

I sometimes come
down here to think.

Wow, how interesting.

What's next?
You're gonna pull out a guitar

and play us a song you wrote in
college about being misunderstood?

I know, right?
And she's not even done yet.

Baby, baby, it looks like it's gonna hail

Baby, baby, it looks like it's gonna hail

You better come inside

Let me teach you how to jive and wail

Come on, bigger.
Do it. Come on, make it bigger.


Okay, to the left.
Very good. Now back to the right.

No, no, no!

To the left, now back to the right.
To the right. To the right.

Is that even her hand?

And now to
make her skin indestructible.

You gotta jump, jive,
and then you wail

You gotta jump, jive,
and then you wail

You gotta jump, jive,
and then you wail

Did you see that?
Shoot him again.

And now, the crucial last piece,

the source of all
the Monster's power,

the Evil Bone.

I have to hurry.
It loses its power in the light.

That's it.

Only one thing left to do.

He said "do."

Pull the switch!

Do not yell at me.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was just...

Pull the switch.

- Please pull the switch.
- That's better.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Why does he get to pull the switch?

- Because I'm not an idiot, Brian.
- My name is not Brian!

Then you must have his jar.

Stop! You can both pull the switch.
On the count of three. One.

Hey! No fair!
You said we could both pull the...




I don't believe it.

I'm a failure. I'm a...

I'm an Igor.

Get rid of that thing.
I never want to see it again.

Funny you should say that.

Uh... Igor? Yeah.
Where did the monster go?

I don't know, Brain.

May I suggest
looking behind you?

It was just a suggestion.

Maybe it just
spontaneously combusted?

Oh, yeah, sure.
I've read about that in...

Who am I kidding? I can't read!

And just like that,
she was out of their lives.

I did it. I...

I created life.

Has that hole always been there?

Come on!

Let me get this straight.

We are chasing after
the bloodthirsty monster?

"Home For Blind Orphans."

Oh, God, she's killing blind orphans!

That's so evil!
I mean, which is great, but...

Blind orphans!

I wanna go next!

Me, me, pick me!

I wonder what diabolical deed
she has planned next.

Piggyback rides?

- It's my turn!
- I wanna go next! I wanna go next!

- Me! Me! Pick me!
- Me! Me!

Blind orphans get everything!


Your very large friend
is a sweetheart.

No, she's not.

I am your master,
and I command you

to stop this gesture
of goodwill right now

and put them down.


Okay, now you're gonna
march right back to the castle, got it?

Oh, he's dead!

Those are paper flowers the orphans sell.

Sounds like someone likes them.

You touch it, you buy it!


I looked inside
Dr. Glickenstein's castle

and didn't see anyone.

But that's not all...

Yes, it is, because
your voice is annoying.

Now to break into
Glickenstein's castle

and steal the plans
like Heidi failed to do.

What did this?

I'm guessing something big.
Something like this.

Life? Glickenstein invented life?

I don't think he had a hand in it.

Well, if he's toast,

who invented that?

I don't believe it.


so not only is every other
Evil Scientist smarter than you,

an Igor is, too?


Smart is not mouthing off

to the man who has just found
his way to take the throne.

Oh, baby, won't you please come home?

'Cause your little daddy's
gonna be all alone

She must be making a club
of flowers to smash us with.

This must
be very embarrassing for you.

I never thought that we could part

For every hour in the day
you can hear me say

Baby, won't you please come home?
I need you, I need you

Okay, clearly her Evil Bone wasn't
activated when she came to life. That's it.

Ooh! I have an idea!

Is it about this situation?

- No.
- Is it even an idea?

Is French fries an idea?

- So, how do you activate it?
- We need to kick-start it.

We need to get her
to commit one act of evil.

She wouldn't hurt a fly.

Okay. Monster,

I command you to kill that fly.

Kill it! Kill it!

Kill it, girl!
Come on! You're a killer!

Maim it! Wound it! Insult it!
Something! Kill it! Kill it!

Kill, kill, kill!

You were saying?

No, no, no! You're evil!





What? No, you're not Eva.

Eva. Eva.

What now, genius?

Well, thank you for asking.
What we're going to do...

Go soak your brain, Brian.

That's actually not a bad idea.

Monster want a brain wash?

- Next!
- Hi, I'd like to...

Hey, who you talking to?
I'm the head guy here!

Oh, excuse me. Sorry.

- What the heck is that?
- It's my Aunt Eva.

She's getting a little
sweet in her old age,

so I'd like to, I don't know,
evil her up a bit.

"Sunday Night Massacre."
No. "Arsonist."

Gee, they all look so good.

How about the
"Axe Murderer" brain wash?

Oh! She must be very special to you.

Hey! Don't touch that!
It's a very complicated system!

One wrong button and you'll
just be watching regular cable!

You wanna waste your
nephew's money like that? Huh? Huh?

Gosh, I feel like I'm sending my kid
off to school for the first time.

You know, to learn how to murder.

Hi. How are you? Great wings.

Listen, could you squeeze
me in for a brain wash, too?

A nice thorough scrubbing.

What are you? An imbecile?

Oh, parlez Italian?
Taco grande to meet you.

Yeah. Take Brian to Room Number 4.

"Wish you weren't there.

"This card teleports your enemy to you
so you can destroy him in person."

Call me old-fashioned,

but what happened to cards
that just blew your head off?

Just think, Scamper.
In a few short moments,

I'm gonna have the most
Evil Invention of all time.

It's my whole life savings,
but I think I'm going to treat myself.

Oh, my hunch.

"Happy Mother's Day."

See, that's what I'm talking about.
Simple, elegant, classic.

You've seen a lot of brains, I'm sure.

Mine's bigger than average, right? No?

Hello? Can you even talk?

Canadians. I'll just watch TV.

Whoops! Butterfingers.

Oh. Great. Hold on.

And it's cold,
it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold.

Hey, Monster, can I borrow your remote?

Thank you.

Oh, come on!

Let's do the twist
Around and around and around

Stupid remote!

To plumb the depths
of Blanche DuBois in Streetcar

is the ultimate challenge
for any modern actress.

Well, our evil bun should
be out of the oven soon.

Estephan, you're a magician!

What's that smell?

My new air freshener,
"Dead Dog." Jealous?

I don't hear anything.

I think it worked.

Maybe they did too much?

Oh. Was it?

Was I too much?
I was pushing, wasn't I?

It was only a vocal exercise,
but that is a beginner's mistake.

I have to own that.
That's just where I am.

If only I knew
whether I had the "it" factor.

But how can you know?
I mean, you can't learn that,

you just have to be born with it.

Oh, listen to me going on
and on about me, me, me.

Let's talk about you, Igor.
Do you think I have "it"?

Let's thank our guest who
has taught us in one hour,

a lifetime worth of
lessons in acting.


Who changed the channel?

Wait, where's the remote?

Move it! I need this room.

No, no, no! Wait!
We need to unbrainwash her!

No can do, pal.

Every wash comes with
a sealant guaranteed to last a lifetime.

In other words, buzz off!

Okay, things to do,
sign up for yoga classes,

get new headshots,
adopt children from all over the world.

Oh, time for my
elocution exercises.

I need a box of biscuits.
I need a box of biscuits.

- It's just failure after failure.
- After failure, after failure...

Oh, sorry, I thought
we were counting off all your failures.

Biscuit mixer, a box of mix...

A box of mixed
biscuits and a biscuit mixer.

I need a box...

Stop the carriage!

- Ow!
- What? What's the matter?

I don't mean to be a prima donna,
but I think I need a bigger trailer.

After failure,
after failure, after failure...

After failure, after failure...

That monster is about to be mine.

Oh, really? How?

Well, with a little something
I just stole for the occasion, okay?

Practice poses
for the red carpet,

become an environmentalist,
but still fly private when necessary.

A Shrink Ray? Oh, that's a genius
plan for stealing a monster.

Hey! I don't come
down to where you work and...

Oh, that's right, you don't work!
So shut your cake hole, darling!

Now, to shrink Igor
and steal his monster.

Oh, God! Did I hit it?
Did I hit it? I hope I didn't hit it!

You, sir, put the "Evil" in "Evil Scientist."

Here we go!

What the...

Hold on! Pull over.
I'm getting jar sick!

Someone's trying to shoot us!

Paparazzi! Why can't
those vultures leave me alone?

This has totally
ruined my spa day.

To the right! To the right!

This is the worst
car service I have ever used!

Now I get to watch you die.

Hold on!

Brake. Brake!


Put the brake on, you...


Fire the rocket booster!

I can't see who it is!

Here I come!

Oh! My beautiful face.

No more Doctor Don't Kill Anybody!

We're not gonna make it!
We're not gonna make it!

If only you'd
made yourself indestructible!

Indestructible. Indestructible!

Who wants to be a big movie star?

Me! Me! I do.

This would be the right time
to curb your suicidal tendencies.

I can see my room from here.

Go away! Look,
I'm very important.

Ew! What's that smell?

Oh, yes, wait, it's the big,
whopping stench of failure.

Ironically, at an inch tall, you still
have the biggest mouth in Malaria.

- Thank you.
- You're very welcome.

You saved my life.

As an actor, I feel things
very deeply, and I treasure all of life.

FYI, it's actually me you should thank.

I was the one who changed
the channel on her brain wash.

- What?
- Yep,

and if she had been evil,
she would have let us all die.

So technically,
I'm the one who saved us.

But no need to thank me.

a "thank you" would be nice.

It could be in the form of
a card or a poem, your choice.

I also like ponies.

An axe?

I don't want an axe. That's crazy.
Why would you offer me an axe?

You made my monster an actress!

This is why people
are afraid of hunchbacks!

This! Right here!

Oh! What play are they rehearsing?


- Don't let him kill me!
- It's gonna be a smash.

Don't let him kill me!

The only thing
killed here is my dream.

Bravo! Bravo!


Oh, you guys are so lucky to have work.

If only I had a role I could
really sink my teeth into.

Eva, you're in luck.

In four days, there's
an audition for the lead

in the biggest play
to hit Malaria since...

The Desperate Hunchback
Who Grasped at Straws?

Seriously, Eva,
this could be your big break!

Oh, my gosh!
I don't believe it! What play is it?

- Play? What play is it?
- Is it Annie?


So many terrific girls
got their start playing Annie.

- Yes, that's it! It's Annie!
- So it's actually a musical?

- I think I just wet myself.
- Someone can sing!

Gosh! Me trying out for Annie,

the plucky orphan whose song of
hope lifts the heart of a weary nation?

Yeah. Except in this version, Annie goes
nuts and battles a bunch of Evil Inventions

- in deadly hand-to-hand combat.
- Wow. How avant-garde.

Yeah. Trust me. You were
born to be in this production.

The sun'll come out tomorrow

Bet your...

No, you missed it, again.

Excuse me, Igor, but I think
you're supposed to say "cut."

That's for film.


Can you imagine a face like
that on a 40-foot screen?

All right, all right.
Now, listen, Eva...

Excuse me, Igor,
I'm a little distracted.


I think the makeup girl is out to get me.

No, that's Brain. And he's not
the makeup girl, he's the idiot.

Now, try to remember,
on the word "tomorrow,"

you're supposed to crush
the Evil Invention to your left!

You mean "stage left."

Yeah, whatever. You're
supposed to smash it to smithereens.

I know, it's just...

It looks kind of real, and it's hard
because I would never hurt anything real.

The props at the audition are
gonna look even more real, Eva.

Some may even scream
when you smash them.

Oh, really?

Yes. And they're also
going to fight back.

But it's all for reality's sake.

But if you don't
want to be a real actress...

Oh, no, no. I do, I do.

This is a block for me,
but I will get through it.

Once more,
from the top, with feeling.

I just have a teeny,
teeny, tiny suggestion.

Now, I know I'm not the director,
but at the end of the number,

I would love to try
something like this...

You're only a day


Works for me.

Dr. Igor.
Dr. Igor von Igorstein.

No, no, no. The Evil Reverend
Igor von Igorstein III.

I can't believe it. I might
actually be able to pull this off.

Good work today, Eva.
You took some really

big steps.

Thank you, Igor.

I'm whispering to protect my voice.

I really couldn't have
done it without you.

Isn't it beautiful?

King Malbert has turned
this country into a paradise.

His tower shines out for all the
world to see as a beacon of evil.

And that's a good thing?

We were a nothing country
until King Malbert taught us

that the way to
succeed is by doing evil.

Phew! This is a tough town.

Well, in this world,
nice guys finish last.

So, I have to step on
people to get ahead?



Well, I'd rather be a good
nobody than an evil somebody.

And so would you.
Because you're good, Igor.

Eva, don't say that.

- It's true. You are good.
- Seriously, stop saying that!

But you are!
You've helped me with my audition.

You've made me
this delicious tea.

You're a very good friend.

Evil Scientists don't have friends.

Well, what are Brain and Scamper?



Is that all I am?


Okay. Then you can be
my number two friend.

Number two friend.
Well, who's your number one friend?

See? You're jealous.

You do wanna be my friend.

I guess I'm just a pushover.

Hi, welcome to
Cristall Clear. I'm Carl Cristall.

Tonight, we have a very special guest,
someone we all love and respect.

It's Honkers the Gassy Monkey.
But first, King Malbert.

You're not wearing any, you know, pants.

Hmm? Oh, no, I'm not.

I figure, why does
an invisible man need to wear pants?

It's very liberating, Your Highness.

Sire, the clouds,

were they a blessing or a curse?

Well, of course, I would never
wish the clouds on my people.

But we rallied together
for the common good

by embracing evil,
and look at us now!

Respected, successful.

- What are you doing?
- Scratching my invisible...

But getting back to
my next question, sire.

The Evil Science Fair
is two days away.

Any predictions?
Can anyone beat Dr. Schadenfreude?

Well, I hate to predict.

I mean, all the Evil Scientists
are twisted fiends in their own right.

That said, there may be a genius this year
with an Evil Invention so revolutionary

that Schadenfreude might finally
get knocked off his perch!

The only one getting
knocked off his perch is you!

Damn it, I need that monster!

I will not be beaten

by a hunchbacked,
pot-bellied, bulgy-eyed runt.

I think he's kind of cute.
Talent is attractive.

I can just picture Igor
and his monster now,

plotting their deadly
combat maneuvers.

I got a woman as big
as a house, yes, sir

She's as big as a two-family
house with a porch and a fence

You won't believe what you
see when you look at her

She's enormous, colossal,
tremendous, gigantic, immense

Why try to deny it?
She's just what I like

If she goes on a diet

I'll go on strike

The bigger the figure
The better I like her

The better I like her
The better I feed her

The better I feed her
The bigger the figure

The bigger the figure
The more I can love

She's exactly like a watermelon

Big and round and sweet

And in a party dress
She may be quite a mess

But I love her a lot
So what if she's not so neat?

The bigger the figure

The better I like her

The better I like her

The better I feed her

The better I feed her
The bigger the figure

The bigger the figure
The more I can love

If she ever

Eats me out of money

And we needed the rent

Oh, that'll be a cinch
'Cause when we're in a pinch

I can put her to work
under a circus tent

The bigger the figure
The better I like her

The better I like her
The better I feed her

The better I feed her
The bigger the figure

The bigger the figure
The more I can love

Guys, can you come in here?

I need to talk to you.

If she's having a woman problem,
it's all yours.


What are these?

Opening night presents!

I know it's technically
just an audition tomorrow,

but I figured, "What the hey?"

They're not much, since I had to
use stuff I found around here,

but, well...
You first, Brain!

An envelope!
You spoil me rotten, lady.

I think we better open it.

It's a new label for your jar.

And Brain is spelled right!

It is, right?

You shouldn't really
worry about labels, though,

because you may be a brain,
but you have heart.

And in some ways,
that's more important.

Heart? I'd kill for a pair of feet.

Open yours, Scamper.
It's a prehistoric evergreen.

They live forever.
I just want to make sure

that if anything ever
happens to the three of us,

you always have company.

I must be allergic to it.

With any luck, it'll kill me
with its dinosaur-era toxins.

Can we move on to Igor now?

No one's ever given me a gift before.

It's something
no director can be without.

A beret!

VoilĂ !

That's French for,

"Please stop pelting me and
my ridiculous hat with rocks."

Hey, Igor, where's our gift for Eva?

- Our gift?
- Oh! You guys didn't.

We did.

Where'd you put it, Igor?

It's in the other room.

Gift, gift, gift, gift.

Eva. Well, we got you this.

It's a necklace.

It's the most
beautiful thing I've ever seen!

Igor, can you...

I would do it myself,
but I am all thumbs.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
I got the thumbs on sale.

I'm never gonna take this off.

That way all of you will be
close to my heart forever.

I need to go write this down
in my sense-memory journal!

Oh, where did I put my glitter pen?

See, this is the kind of
moment that'd be tough

for someone who wasn't
meant to be an Evil Scientist.

Somebody who'd go all soft
and want to tell her the truth.

But lucky for us, I'm evil, right?

Yeah. Lucky us.

I don't feel lucky.

So we stay on track,
'cause we're almost there,

and I just don't let
her get into my head.

It's so hard being
a little hunchback.


Dr. Glickenstein is under the rug.
I mean, under the weather.

I didn't come to see him.

I came to see you.


By the way, an Igor came by today

and asked me to
hands-deliver this to you.

And these are my hands.

- What? What is it?
- Ja, I haven't any idea.

"Wish You Weren't There."

Oh, excellent, wonderful.
You got my card.

Is everything okay?

I heard a strange noise.


Oh, I wasn't at the door
listening to you and Igor.

I just...

Hi! We haven't met. I'm Eva.

Oh, you're upset, aren't you?

"Who is this strange woman
living with Igor," right?

Well, believe me,
Igor and I are just friends.

As his girlfriend,
you have nothing to worry about.

- I'm not his girlfriend.
- You're not?

But the way he looks at you.

He never looks at me that way.

Maybe some men like girls

who don't look like they've
been put together at the junkyard.


You have a very ugly face.

Well, I have to go get
some rest for my audition tomorrow.

It was nice meeting you. Oh.



So, how's your cocktail, Igor?

Is it nice? You like it?

Is it coconut-ty?
Coconut-ty enough?

Wait! You should be sipping in style!

Igor! Krazy Straw! Right now!

Small trumpet. Isn't that better?
Doesn't that taste better?

Excuse me, sir, but why...

I mean, why am I here?

You can drop that slur around me.

I don't even make my Igors talk
that way. Isn't that right, Igor?

Oh, that's right, Master.

How many times do I have to tell you?

Call me Frederick.
Okay? That's my name.

Okay. Frederick!

I have to get back.
Dr. Glickenstein will be missing me.

Somehow, I think he's missing
more than his right-hand man.

Look, Iggy baby, I know all about
Glickenstein and his deadness.

I also know about your monster.

I'm gonna guess your plan.

You win the Evil Science Fair, and then
everyone looks past the hunch thing,

and they accept you for the real you.

You grab the girl of your dreams
and you cha-cha-cha your way

to a happy ending.
Am I close on this?

No, not entirely.

I don't know how to cha-cha.

We're a lot alike, Igor.

I want to be more as well,

but society, it won't let me. It stops me.

So, this is my plan.

I enter Evil Science Fair
with your monster and then I win.

I turn the monster on the King.

Ding dong, the King is dead,
long live the new king, me!

And then you come in as
Malaria's new Evil Scientist, Dr. Igor.

So what do you say to that?
Is that nice? Is that really nice?

You want to overthrow the King?

I thought you wanted
to be an Evil Scientist.

I do. But...

Stop thinking like an Igor!

Evil Scientists do not let
anyone stand in their way.

Yes. I know. They step
on people to get ahead.


- She'll never do it.
- She?

The monster. She isn't evil.

Something went wrong and her
Evil Bone was never activated.

So how do we get this
Evil Bone up and running, huh?

We kick it, we slap it,
we take it to the movies, call it Irene?

She needs to commit an evil act,
but since she's not evil, she won't.

Well, your troubles are over then,

because I can get a woman
to do absolutely anything.

I don't know.

Don't tell me that you have
feelings for this thing?

- No.
- Good,

because that would be pathetic.

I can give you everything
you have ever wanted.

I think I need to go.

Look, the Evil Science Fair
is in a few hours.

You're either with me or against me.

Yes or no?

I take that as a no.

What are you going
to do now, smart guy?




Frederick! Why are you swimming?

You just ate 10 minutes ago.

Get off of me, you buffoon!

we finished your costume.

I just hope it's
cinched enough at the waist.

Obviously, if I had more time,
I would have made it flare out

a little bit more over the knees.

Stop touching it, Brain,
I'm creating a look here.

You guys are my friends.
So, you'll tell me the truth, right?

Yeah, sure.

Do you think I'm pretty?

Brain, get me a tub of
eye-liner, a pound of lipstick,

and if all else fails,
the severed head of a supermodel.

Okay, the Jacuzzi is not a bathroom.

I know that now.

Please, please, take your own
sweet time! I'm loving it here!

Oh, really?

Well, then maybe you
should stay down there

with your Igor, poopshkin!

You know something?
He's a good listener,

he's got soft hands, and unlike you,
he sometimes shaves his legs!

Wait. No kissing Heidi.

Or do you like me better as Heidi?

Hmm. Jaclyn, Heidi,
Jaclyn, Heidi.

It would be really swell

if you didn't go psycho-girlfriend
on me right now.

- I'm not psycho!
- Obviously not.

How would you feel if every day
you had to be 13 different people?

I'm Jaclyn, your girlfriend.

Then I'm Dr. Nachtmahr's girlfriend.

Then I'm Dr. Groaner's girlfriend.

All for you!

To help you steal
inventions year after year!

And I still say those stolen
pills were the best invention yet.

Well, this time
they really paid off.

Guess what Mommy found out
about our favorite little monster?

Or should I say actress?



Eva! Eva!

Just breathe. Okay.
Center yourself on the body.

I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Director.

Oh, no, this isn't happening.
Act graceful. Act graceful.

Keep smiling.

Too close?

No. Eva, you look...
You look beautiful.

Oh, this is such a cliché,

the leading lady
falling for her director.

Well, you're not
used to high heels.

Oh, you mean...

Our work here is done.

Our work?

You spent the entire time
playing with a piece of ribbon.

Eva, about the audition, I think
I've given you the wrong direction.

But I feel so prepared.

No, I've been trying to make you
play a role that you're not right for.

- What?
- I have to tell you the truth.

I'll just be a minute.

Oh, Igor. Ow! My ankle.

It twisted like the pretzel, Igor!


Thank you. And who are you?

Someone who does not want
your unique gifts to go to waste.

Are you a talent agent?

I was so deep down worried

that when you opened the card,
I thought I lost you forever.

Heidi, I need to tell you something.

I don't know what it is,

but I feel like for
the first time in my life,

I'm seeing a real Igor.

And I think I'm in love with him.

Wow, when it rains, it pours.

No, no.

Igor is a liar. He does this...

Igor would never lie to me.
Igor cares about me.

Cares? He doesn't care.

Because he built you to be a weapon.

No, no, no, you're wrong.

He'll never look at you and see a woman.

All he will ever see is a monster.

I don't believe you.

Open your eyes.

Igor has someone
else in mind for your role.

Heidi, no!

There's nothing more for you here.

Come with me.
I will make you a star.



What's wrong?

I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I've made someone else.


I mean, I've met someone else,
who I made. It's complicated.

Wait a minute.
You're rejecting me?

- I'm sorry.
- For that big bumpy thing?

How do you know about...

I mean, this isn't even the sexiest
me, but come on! Look at you.

You're hideous. You really are.
And I kissed you! Ugh! Yuck!


You're a monster.

And as we know,
monsters only exist to be used.



Seize him!

Where's Glickenstein?

And before you answer, you should
know that someone sent me this!

Your Highness, he's dead.

And he didn't invent life, did he?


I did.

An Igor inventing...


Hunchy invented life, eh?

Well, where is it?

It's a she, and I think someone's taken her.

Well, if she comes back,
we'll just tell her where to find you.

In the Igor recycling plant!

No! Please! No! No!

Eva, where are you?



Lock your doors
and hide your loved ones.

It's the annual Evil Science Fair!

I'm Carl Cristall
and I'm coming to you live, invisible

and totally au naturel!

Fans are taking their seats,
including King Malbert himself!

Don't touch me!

the scientists are in their locker rooms,

prepping their Evil Inventions!

Here we are.
A dressing room fit for a leading lady.

Wow, listen to that.

How many girls
are auditioning for this project?

I'm gonna go save him.


Look, maybe I'm not a genius, okay.

But I know one thing,
I have to try.

No, I was gonna say,
"Wait, I'm coming with you."

On three.


Hey! No fair!

- What are you doing here?
- We're here to rescue you!

I don't want to be rescued. I'm an Igor.
And this is what happens to us.

Figures, just when
I decided I want to live...

Don't peek.

Don't worry.

I hope I can still do a decent
audition without Igor's help.

Trust me, I'm the one who's
gonna bring out the real you.

This isn't you, Igor.

Where is all that stupid
optimism and annoying can-do attitude?

I tried to be someone different,
but the world wouldn't let me.

Don't you want to go after Eva
and save her from Schadenfreude?

Are you actually trying
to hypnotize me, Brain?


But if that's not working,
then how about this?


Eva needs you and
you're the only hunchback

that can stand tall and fight for her.

Brain, that may be
the smartest thing you've ever said.

Reach, Brain! Reach!

You should have
built me with a longer arm.

- Huh?
- Huh?

What? Like this is the first time
I've gnawed my own feet off.

Who says rabbits' feet are lucky?

Wheels, don't fail me now!

Wheels failed me!
Wheels failed me!

We went that way!

What are you doing?

Looking for the secret passage!
There's always a secret passage!

Darn it, Brain,
there's no secret passage!

It's over.

I'm sorry, you were saying?

it's a secret staircase.

Welcome! To you and the
millions of viewers around the globe!

They come from all corners.
And just look at them.

They're all worried sick
about one thing, world peace.

Well, tonight,
it's within their grasp.

And it has but a small price,
and that price is $100 billion.

And I, for one,
I think they can do it.

And if they don't, well,

the Evil Invention last standing
will be unleashed on the world.

Ah! It'd just be too horrible to imagine.

Where are we?

And why am I panting?

I don't have lungs.

The tower of the King's castle.
Look, there's the Killiseum.

Wow, I don't know
what it is, but I want one!

It's the beacon of evil
on top of the royal castle.

Wait. Is it a beacon?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going?

And bring me back a toy!


The King's beacon is
really a weather ray.

King Malbert is making
the storm clouds.

So, citizens
of the world, I beseech you...

- He lied to us.
...call the number

on the bottom of your screens.

Yes, right there. You need to give,
just like we need to be evil.

You need to be evil.

I know my choreography,
if that's what you mean.

I think you need to go deeper.
Have you ever done anything evil?


Well, then how can
you play it truthfully?

You know you can't
get this part if you fake it.

Hit me.

- What?
- Hit me.

I could never hit anyone.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Igor was right. You are not an actress.

Yes, I am.

Oh, no, you're not.
No wonder he chose Heidi.

I mean, you know,
she's beautiful and you are not.

She has got talent and you do not.

Don't you say that.

Look at you. You are pathetic!

No, I'm not!

Yes, you are!
You're just a big, freaky...

And here it is, baby.
Buckle up, here it comes.

You are an ugly monster!
You couldn't act your way out of a...


We've got Annie!

Malarians, let's get evil!

What? You're gonna
lower yourself down?

You've got your job,
I've got mine.

I'm coming, Eva!

And bring me back a toy!

Phew! That was close.

He's okay! He's...


I'm coming, Eva.

Pull the switch!

And here comes
this year's Evil Inventions!

What a menagerie
of mayhem-loving monstrosities.

Take a good look, world,
any of these could be coming for you!

Only one Evil Invention left.

Time for my crowning achievement.

Pull the switch!

That's Dr. Schadenfreude's


Let the battle begin!


The sun'll come out


Hold on!
What's this? It's fighting.

Bet your bottom dollar
that tomorrow

And winning!

There'll be sun!

Let me through!
Let me through! I made her!

You made her?

Hey, here's
the genius Igor that made her!

Just thinking about


Clears away the cobwebs

And the sorrow

Till there's none

Eva! Eva!

And wait!
An Igor has entered the arena.

I just stick out my chin and grin

Don't worry,
folks, he'll be dead soon.


She's almost at her big finish!

And if we don't destroy
this weather ray, it's really over.

The sun'll come out tomorrow

So you gotta hang on

Leave it to Schadenfreude,

destroying his enemies
with a giant girl in a red dress.

I can't believe
Schadenfreude did it again!

What are you doing
in the King's box, Schoddy?

I was about to ask you
the same question, Malby.

Malby? What's the meaning of this?

This means you're through.
Or should I say "overthrown"?

Hey, you unhand him.

He's your new king.

And if you have
a problem with that,

please take it up with the
head of my complaint department,

who's the big monster over there.


There's gotta be a faster
way to demolish this thing!

We're all going to die! Except you!

Oh, yeah!



I love ya


She's going to take
this whole place apart.

You're always a day...

Wait! This isn't you.

I did create you to be evil.

I'm sorry I lied to you.
I lied to you about everything.

It's just a role.
You don't have to play it.

Yes, she does! You're an Igor.
She's an Evil Invention!

No. Everyone has
an Evil Bone in their body,

but we choose
whether or not to use it.

And as someone I love once said,

"It's better to be a good
nobody than an evil somebody."

I'm not evil.

I'm Eva.

That is the correct answer.

Igor, I felt like I was
in a dark, horrible place.

We all were.

Wait! What's happening?

The end of Malaria's
evil role in the world.

Camera 2!

Oh! Excellent. Thank you!

For generations, King Malbert
has kept us in the dark

by creating the clouds
with a weather ray!

He lied to us!

We trusted him
and he lied to us.

He tricked us into thinking
we needed to be evil to survive!

But we don't!

None of us do.

This is outrageous! He has no proof!

Where's his proof?
I demand to see proof!

I demand to see...


I'm sure he's fine.

Long live King Schadenfreude!

King Malbert the liar is dead!

Long live King Schadenfreude!

Everybody say, "Long live..."

Well, that was a short reign.

Hey, fellas, I'm single again!

No more pills.

They can't see what I really look like.

My evil days are over!

From here on out,
all evil doings will be handled

by my manager /boyfriend.

Igor! Igor! Igor!

Igor! Igor! Igor!

President Igor,
now that you're in charge,

will pants continue to be as
expensive and uncomfortable

as they were under the
previous administration?

What? What? No.
Everything is about pants.

Why is everything
about pants with you?

There you have it.
Another politician afraid to answer

the tough, pants-related
questions of Carl Cristall.

Pickles. Old family recipe. Pickles.

Cocoas! Strudel!



Pick me up at 7:00.
I'm gonna go home and shave.

Hey, Scamper, have you seen Eva?

No. Go away.

Hans, you're wearing this backwards.
What are you? Blind?

Let's switch this around.

So, what do you do?

I'm a genius.
What do you do, mister?

I'm sorry I'm late.

I left your opening
night gift back at the lab.

Oh, my necklace!

Look inside.

Oh, my gosh.

You're really gonna make this?

Yeah. And if it doesn't
work out, then we'll just adopt.

It's a big step,
getting a pet together.

Come on, after living
with Brain and Scamper,

everything will
seem like a breeze.

I can see clearly now the rain has gone

I can see all obstacles in my way

Gone are the dark clouds
that had me blind

It's going to be a bright,
bright sunshiny day

It's going to be a bright,
bright sunshiny day

It's going to be a bright,
bright sunshiny day

I got a pocket
Got a pocket full of sunshine

I got a love and I know
that it's all mine

Oh, oh, oh

Do what you want
But you never gonna break me

Sticks and stones are
never gonna shake me

Oh, oh, oh

- Take me away
- Take me away

- A secret place
- A secret place

- A sweet escape
- A sweet escape

- Take me away
- Take me away

- Take me away
- Take me away

- To better days
- To better days

- Take me away
- Take me away

- A hiding place
- A hiding place

I got a pocket
Got a pocket full of sunshine

I got a love and I know
that it's all mine

- Oh, oh, oh
- Got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine

Got a love and I know
that it's all mine

Do what you want
But you never gonna break me

Sticks and stones are
never gonna shake me

- Oh, oh, oh
- Never gonna shake me

Never gonna shake me

I got a pocket
Got a pocket full of sunshine

I got a love and I know
that it's all mine

Oh, oh, oh

Wish that you could
But you ain't gonna own me

Or do anything you
can to control me

- Oh, oh, oh
- You can't control me

You can't control me

- Take me away
- Take me away

- A secret place
- A secret place

- A sweet escape
- A sweet escape

- Take me away
- Take me away

- Take me away
- Take me away

- To better days
- To better days

- Take me away
- Take me away

- A hiding place
- A hiding place

There's a place that I go
Where nobody knows

Where the rivers flow
And I call it home

And there's no more lies
And darkness is light

And nobody cries
There's only butterflies

- Take me away
- Take me away

- A secret place
- A secret place

- A sweet escape
- A sweet escape

- Take me away
- Take me away

- Take me away
- Take me away

- To better days
- To better days

- Take me away
- Take me away

- A hiding place
- A hiding place

- Take me away
- Take me away

- A secret place
- A secret place

- To better days
- To better days

- Take me away
- Take me away

- Take me away
- Take me away

- To better days
- To better days

- Take me away
- Take me away

- A hiding place
- A hiding place

The sun is on my side
Take me for a ride

I smile up to the sky
I know I'll be all right

Special thanks to SergeiK.