Mad Money Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Mad Money script is here for all you fans of the Queen Latifah and Katie Holmes movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Mad Money quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Mad Money Script

Honey, I need more.

This is gonna take all night.

Want a sandwich?

Maybe later.



Baby, where are the road snacks?

We gotta go.
Have you seen my guitar?


You're having a bad dream, baby.

No shit.

We're gonna have to have a
conversation about your language.

Yeah. That's clearly the biggest
problem we're having tonight.

Go back to bed.




Quiet, Rufus.

Guess what I got for you!
Yummy, yummy! Shh!

Ooh! Look what I got ya!


Oh! Good!

There we go.

Nice Rufus.
Good dog.

See ya later.

Attention all units.

Arrest authorized.
Move in now.

You set?
- I'm good.

I have this theory.

Crime is contagious.

It's like it can just
kinda get in the air,

and it-- People can
catch it from each other.

And when they catch it,
they change.

And then they change...
other people.

The truth is we're all
capable of anything.

We don't want to believe it's true,

but it is.

I realized it for the first time

at Mindy and Bryce Arbogast's
Fourth of July party.

There you are!

I knew you'd come!

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, my God.

I want you to now I forgive you.

What for?
- Don's okay?

He's--he's great.
We're fine. We're fine.

Hey, listen, I know you quit the club,

but if Don wants to play,
have him call me.

Oh, I--I'm sure he will,
but, you know,

he's got a whole bunch of big
interviews kind of lined up, and--

- Does he?


Oh, it's gonna be great.
It's gonna be great.

You're gonna be great!

- Yeah.

About the realtor.

I am okay about Coldwell.

They're big,
it makes sense.

But I would've cut my commission.

Mindy-- So just tell--What?

Oh, my God.
Bridget, I am so sorry.

It's not even listed yet.

I'm sure Don was gonna tell you.

To tell you the truth,
I don't really blame her.

I got downsized.

You're selling our house?

I'm no longer the breadwinner.

I don't bring home the bacon.

I produce no green.

You just-- You wanna
talk about this, sweetie?

Why on earth would I wanna talk about it?

It's over.

What is over?
- Everything.

- Our lives!

Don, for God sakes!

You are going to find that job.

It's been over a year.

I have tried everything
I know how to try,

and I have failed,
all right?

No, no, no, no!
No, you did not fail, Don.

No! I refuse to believe that!

Those stupid multinational
corporations merged you out of a job!

So, sweetie,
you got failed on!

Really? You know, I am so
far past statistical comfort.

Look at this!

We are $286,000 in debt.

- I wasn't kidding.

It's over.

Honey, why didn't you tell me?
We could have stopped.

What? Eating, driving,
living our lives?

We could live on less.
Lots of people live on less.

Absolutely. And soon,
we'll be living with them.

You know, hearing their
voices in the hallways,

smelling their cooking.

But, hey, at least we got our health.

Of course, we don't
have health insurance,

so if you need an X-ray,
I sell a kidney.

We'll do something.
We'll think outside the box.

Well, that's good, because
we're selling the box

and we're moving into a smaller box,

and soon that box will be so small,

it's the one they put us
in the ground with.

We'll get jobs,
any jobs, both of us,

and we're gonna make our payments
until this economy gets better, Don.

Yeah, well, good luck,

You've been out of
the workforce for some time.

Well, I've raised two children

and made a home.

My daughter is a clinical researcher

and my son is a systems analyst,

and my husband is,
uh, well...

on the sofa right now.

Your degree is in comparative literature.


Sort of a slow sector
of the economy right now.

And your typing is sub-standard.

Are you proficient on
any kind of software?

I'm good at Google.

Look, the truth is people
your age in the workforce

are generally considered...
real pains in the ass.

Are you aware that statement
is discriminatory and illegal?


And you don't even work for me.

A drug test?

What kind of drugs would I have to take?


How old am I?

No, I haven't worked in a hotel.

I've enjoyed some wonderful
times at hotels.

Not yours.

As a waitress,
would--would I get benefits?

I don't think that's funny.

Of course I understand about outsourcing.


Suppose I was willing to move to India.

Selina. Hi.

What are you doing here?
- Your check bounced.

That's the third one.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

I've cleaned your house.
You owe me the money.

Of course.

Honestly, Selina, I don't really
have the money right now,

but as soon as we do--
and in the meantime,

if you need any kind of references--

I want cash.

I want cash, too.

Obviously, I don't really have any cash.

I did the work.
You owe me the money.

How about I come clean your house
for three weeks and we call it even?

My house is already clean.


That's yours.



Oh, God.

Don't you know how to do anything?

We need benefits.

I know some place.

It's work like mine,
but they have benefits.

Why don't you do it?

They won't hire people
with a criminal record.

You have a criminal record?


Long story.

Tell me about the job.

I didn't even know what the
Federal Reserve Bank does

before I came to work here.

Well, they set interest rates

and they hold extra cash from all
the other banks for safekeeping.

Yeah--No, I--I asked my husband.

Now that could be your
savings account right there.

I don't think so.
It has money in it.

Oh, we're running
a little bit behind today.

And don't think they won't notice.

Oh, they tell you it's for security,

but meanwhile,
the guys in the ties

are keeping track of how many
times a day we need a goddamn pee.

Ha! This place is like
a Las Vegas casino.

No windows,
no privacy,

and a shitload of money all around here.

The only difference is
nobody here ever has any fun.

Okay, 12.

I'm shifting to the east vault.

Now, keep your head down in here.

You know what I mean?

And don't spray directly on the monitors.

The secret here:

Don't want anything.

Don't even think about wanting it.

What you can think about,

what you can want...

is your job.

I do, yes.
Yes, sir, I do.

I--I am thinking about wanting...the job!

That's what I'm thinking
about wanting, sir.

Thank you so much for helping me.

Check this out!

How you doing, Nina?

Not bad.

New girl.


Hard to watch, huh?

Worn out.

We get the new bills from the mint.

There goes your car payment.

Oops! That's a new sofa.

Get the one by the desk there.



Let's go!

It may not seem like much,

but I do feel like,
in our own way,

we do something kinda important here.


Oh! Oh, God, no!

How's it going?



- Mindy.

- There you are.

I was just thinking about you actually.

We've got to talk.

Mindy, you know what?

I'm out to dinner right now

Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.

I'll call you back.

I would love to do lunch.

Lunch? Great.

Well, not tomorrow.

But how about, um...
this weekend maybe?

That would be wonderful.


- Bye.


How'd it go?



You wanna talk about it?

You remember that Frontline we saw

on Third World slave labor?


Then I don't have to talk about it.



Don! Don!

You wanna know what she told me?

How the whole thing got started?


Looks like we're gonna
need a new one of these.

Let me show ya. You see?
You broke it right there.

She went shopping.

There's something about stuff...

that's on display.

See, even if you've got the same stuff,

they way they lay it out

makes you want.

Wanting is the root of all...

needing stuff.

I'll tell you what.

They say money can't buy happiness,

but it sure as hell buys everything else.

That's what she said

she was doing when
she got the whole idea.

Just shopping.

Being a good American.

Do you ever really think about money?

People think that they think
about money all the time.

But how often do we really look
at the actual physical cash?

Once you start to really
think about money,

you realize this stuff
gets touched a lot.

Who had it before you?

And what did they do with it?

It gets put in places you
may not wanna know about.

When you really stop and think about it--

money is actually pretty disgusting.

Well, I mean, we're a consumer
society, aren't we?

She got consumed.

We receive currency from over a
thousand banks in the Tenth District,

which arrives here and enters
a totally secure environment.

Utility rooms,
work rooms,


lockers, stairs,

Everyone, everywhere,
every minute.

Cash sorted.

We find one of only three
keys in the entire system

that will open a cash cart.

The Treasury Department inspection room,

where the second key
is held by Agent Wayne here,

decorated 30-year veteran
of the Secret Service--

Lost a tooth taking down Squeaky Fromme.

Nighttime. The key is locked
up in my security office.

The final step of the process,

the shredding room.

And here's the third key
wired to the system.

And that's all she wrote.

After this, there's
nothing left to steal.

Oh, this is good.

Okey-dokey. Here we go.

Good enough.

Thank you so much, Don.

I'm gonna take care of you.

It'll be gone in no time.

My best to Bridget.

Oh, I'm sorry,
excuse me,

but it looks like you might
have dropped some money.

No, that's not mine.



I guess I ought to turn it
into the office, though, huh?



He's a big fat no.

Oh, she's so in love with me.

I got this.
- Okay.

Oh, I got it.

Hey, beautiful.

You know, you got me so
cuckoo for your... cocoa puffs.

You hear me, baby?

You know what I think of
when somebody calls me 'baby?'

Okay, tell me in my good ear.

I think of years of sleep deprivation.

Oh. Mmm.

Spit-up on the shoulder
of my last clean shirt.

Diarrhea in a diaper,
the green kind.

See, now that's the image
you just left in my mind.

Now what do you want?

Nothing, Nina. You have a good evening.


Hey, call me.


You got to howl at the bitches, dawg.

The woman's a working mother, Shaun.


I'm not your dawg.

More for me.

Oh, boy.

You wanna carpool tomorrow?


Oh. Uh...

can I ask you something?

Excuse me?

Are you ever tempted?

What, him?

You find that appealing?

- No, no.

You think what I want
after along day on my feet

is to lie down under some skinny kid

for three minutes of push-ups?

No, that's not what I'm talking about.

I got around plenty in my party
girl days, but I got kids now.

No, no, I meant...

Don't you ever get tempted to just slip

a couple hundreds into your pocket?

Okay, I knew you didn't
look like a janitor.

What do you mean?

Boy, they are good.

Those guys are sneaky,
I'll give 'em that.

What? You think I'm a weasel?

Or like a mole thing?

No. I'm serious.

I'm asking.
Just once?


Is that what you being here is all about?

Look, nobody, not once,

has ever beaten the system
in, like, a hundred years.

So what are you, some kinda
like super genius or something?

No. That's what's so funny.
It's just staring you in the face.

You only have to see it.

And you don't think they've seen it?

- Why?

Because they don't empty the trash.

- No.

Leave me alone.

Here, Mom. You need
to sign this for school.

What is it?

It's a list of weapons
we're not allowed to bring.

Like there's some weapons
you are allowed to bring?

You just have to sign
that you understand.

Oh, I understand.
I just don't understand.


You don't want the money?

I don't wanna go crazy,

and that's what makes everybody crazy.

Everybody always wants everything.

I don't want things I can't have.

Do you live in America?

Hey, Mom, we got a white woman outside.

What's she doing?

Just standing there.

She's our new lawn ornament.

Well, she's coming.

Find someone else.
- I can't.

It only works with you in the
shredding room and someone from carts.

It might not even work then.

Maybe I'm crazy.
You tell me.

All right.

Did you do something
wrong at school today?

No. You?
- Not with a lock.

How did you get this?

The same as the Fed does.

Master Lock Company,
mail order.

Completely legal.

The key won't fit.
No, it won't.

The Fed resets the cylinders

and makes their own keys.

Just think about it.

I'm not gonna think about it.

Oh, okay. That's a good idea.
Don't think about it.

I won't.

Great. Great.
Whatever you do

don't think about it.

Give it up, Miss Daisy!

I have kids!

Yeah, well, so do I!

My husband and I after all these
years are still paying off--

I'm not talking about your
upper middle-class problems.

I'm a single mom.

If this thing goes bad,
I lose my children.

- Uh-huh.

Now if that happens,

I will kill you.

You scared of me?



Now, who do we get from carts?

Somebody is definitely peeing in her cup.


Here, let me get that for you.

Here you go.

What on earth?

- Thanks.

There you go.

Okay, then.

Well, we're not looking for a Girl Scout.

Well, we didn't find one.

When I was 9 years old,

I found out that every day
for the rest of my life,

I would be sticking myself with a needle.

Early onset diabetes.


I'm in.
- You're in.

Let's do it.

That's it?

You don't want to think about it?

What's there to think about?



I'm down.

When do we go?

Well, I don't know.
I mean, obviously,

we have to review the plan.

Well, I got the plan.
Do you got the plan?

Do you have the lock?

She has it.

So why not?

'Why not' seems like a really
bad reason to do something,

don't you think?



Why not?

All right.

We need a 'go' code.

Okay, I'm sorry,
but a 'go' code?

I don't think we want
to be walking around the Fed

saying 'Let's rob the Fed
today at work,' right?

No, you probably don't
want to be saying that.

There you go.
- Oops.



We need a code word like, um--

Um, like...
- Liftoff.

Yeah. Liftoff.

That comes up really
easy in conversation.


'Cause you don't want it to be
something you could say accidentally.

You know, like, if our
'go' code was 'hot',

and I saw you and I said, 'Hey,
Nina, you look really hot today,'

and then you go and you
start stealing money,

that could be a problem.

The last time somebody
told me I looked hot

was about seven years nine months ago.

And I don't want to hear it again.

It's been seven years

since you had sex?

All right. Can we just
please focus for a minute?

I think that the signal should be...

a gesture, basically.

How about something that doesn't get us

into some sort of an incident?

How about something more like...

um, I don't know,
like this?



Works for me.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

So...that's it, then.

We're good to go.

I know.



We need to talk to you about the drugs.


It's none of our business--

It is our business.

We could go to jail.

Plus it's stupid.

If we see any signs that the drugs

are affecting your abilities in any way--

In any way--

We're gonna pull the plug.

Do you understand that?

Yeah. No warnings,
no excuses, no apologies.

You mess up, it's over.

Is this like an intervention?

You damn right.


I guess I could have told them,

but I was just really...


That they would take the trouble
and everything, you know?

This takeover bid is irresponsible!

I think the CEO has lost his mind.

And honestly,

the whole board ought to get 20 years--

Yeah, right.

Like white guys are gonna do time.

20 years?
Man, we'd get that

if we stole a candy bar
from a convenience store.

Hey! You listen to me!

You ain't no man
making jokes about crime.

Ain't no men in prison.

Just corpses don't know
enough to lie down.

Now that is not who you're gonna be.

I don't care what I gotta do,
you're not going that way.

Do you hear me?
- Yes, ma'am.

I was gonna go steal candy bars,

but now I won't.

Come here.
Give me some love.


That's good.


You got a boyfriend?

What happened?

Just quit yelling.

I'm not yelling!
- Yes, you are! That's yelling.

Shh! Quiet.
- Not so loud.

Do you want to tell us
what happened, Jackie?

I had a bad feeling.

You had a...bad feeling.

I take my feelings seriously.

So nobody...said
anything or did anything?


I had a bad feeling.

Okay, I'm sorry.

That's it.
I'm outta here.

No, no, wait!
- Wait? Wait for what?

Huh? The alarms?
They're going off!

Dimwit junkie alert!
Whacked out Martha Stewart wannabe.

What the hell was I thinking?

Seriously, it was real bad!

Quit pissing and moaning, people.

It's in your contract.

Section 41: 'Employees will submit

to full random security searches.'

Everyone, everywhere,
every minute.

Let's go.
Come on.


Thank you.

Come on, let's go.



Hold on.


It's my job.

Mine, too.

Back to work, then.




Tilt down a little.


- About 9 degrees.

Zoom in.

What we really need is thermal imaging.



Now I've got two reasons
to love control top.

I'm gotta get myself
some boring underpants.

I know.

I bet Victoria never had
this particular secret.

I can't get this in there.

Oh, that hurts.

We've gotta hurry.

Okay, there we go.
Got it?

All right, now everybody
quit smiling. Quit smiling.

Next up?

- Oh.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you.

How you doing today?

I'm good. You?


I'm good.

Um, you know what?

I think you are always just...

You're so...



What goes around comes around.

Too true.

Spoken like a real gentleman.

I don't want to be forward and
this is not the best place to talk--

Mrs. Cardigan!

- Step back, please.

I think you dropped this.


Thank you, Mr. Glover.

Everyone, everywhere,
every minute.

Carry on.

I was wondering maybe...
do you like jazz?



'Do you like jazz?'

Shut up!


Okay, wait a second.
Oh, 183.

183 equals...

Can everyone count to themselves, please?

What's up with all
these one-dollar bills?

I was in a hurry.

We're gonna have to get
this bug worked out.

Only large bills.

Okay. I have $32,000.

- 28.

- What?

What's the matter?

If we each give her one,
that leaves a thousand,

which is 333 each.

There's gonna be a dollar left over.

I might have change.

Keep the change.

Gimme the money, baby!

Let's see mama making that cash!



Wanna lap dance?

You know something?
I would have thought

you would have been a whole lot happier.

Oh, forgive me for getting
insufficient kicks

when somebody I'm married to
commits a felony.


This money doesn't even
officially exist anymore.

That's the beauty of the whole thing.

Look at it.
It's worn out.

It's gonna be shredded.

So what do we do?
We take some. We spend it.

It goes to another bank.
It's still worn out.

So what do they do?

They pull it from the system...again!

It's like we're stealing
the same money over and over.

In fact, it's not even
like stealing money at all.

It's more like recycling.

Oh, recycling!

Yeah, your defense attorney's
gonna love that one, Bridget.

I'm not gonna get caught.

My God, Don, we're very careful.

We have signals and 'go' codes.

We have a system here that works--

Oh, please, God. Tell me you're
not planning on doing this again.

What--what, do you think I'm stupid?

Of course we're going to do this again.

At least until we get out of the hole.

Four or five more times.

Nina gets school paper,

and Jackie, honestly,
I really don't know

what the hell she is going to do.

You know something?
You've gone insane, Bridget.

Honey, you see
a $20 bill on the sidewalk.

Let me just ask you.
What do you do?

Do you walk away? No.

You know, I guess it would depend

on whether or not the sidewalk

were locked inside a Federal bank!

Honestly! When you have spent
months cleaning their toilets,

the whole Federal bank thing

doesn't seem like such a great big deal.

What about the overall
system of monetary flow, hmm?


You know that they print
a certain amount of money

relating to assets in
other parts of the system.

Uh-huh. Where?
I don't know, but--

- Seriously, you could be...

you could be throwing off
the entire balance of trade.

You could be endangering the
dollar against the--the yen.

Don, I am gonna keep doing this.

The yen is just gonna
have to take care of itself.

See, the problem is

we just don't accept
mid-semester transfers

or financial aid students. We--

I won't be needing financial aid.

I'm sorry?

I can pay now...
for the full year.


I might also be inclined

to make a significant donation
to your new library...

if my sons were using it.

Well, that would...

be a different situation
now, wouldn't it?

Can I pay you in crack?

I'm just kidding with you.


It has to be under ten.

Anything over 10,000 is
automatically reported to the IRS.

I know.
You told me.

I'm gonna keep the engine
going while you're in there.


We're making a deposit, Don.
We already robbed the bank.

That's not even funny.

Honey, you know what?
You gotta lighten up,

or I'm gonna have to have you whacked.

When did you even start
talking like that?

I'm kidding you.

But really, sweetie,

I'm the only person in the
whole world who thought this up.

Why can't you be proud of me?

I have no idea who you are anymore,

but I'm enormously proud of you.

- Yeah!

No, you are amazing.

Really? Are you proud of me?

Tell me again.
- You are so hot.

Oh, my God.

When was the last time
we did it in a car?

We've never done it in the car.

It'd be so stupid to do it in a car...

'cause we have a house.

Oh, God,
yes, we do.

We have a house.

Let's go do it in our house.

You know what?
- What?

They got a park right behind the bank.

Oh, that is such a good idea! Yes!

Okay, which ones do you want me
to get the cashier's checks for?

Baby, keep that engine running.




Here's to a job well done.


and thankfully over.

Well, I think we should keep going.

Oh, no.
Sweetheart, that'd be--

No, that's--that's a bad idea.

Yeah. He's right.
That wasn't part of the deal.

We were supposed to just...

you know, get what we needed and get out.

I think we need more, right?

I could use more.

More wouldn't hurt.

No. See, don't get greedy.

See, that's how people get caught.

Exactly. I think we're
asking for trouble.

Don! You've worked your ass
off for 30 years and for what?

So you can see your wife
become a janitor?

And Nina?

You've spent years standing in one spot

throwing money into a shredder

so your boys could have a better life,

and were they one bit
closer to their dream?


There must be something
that you've always

wanted to do with your life.

Yes. I wanna see Brazil
and Czechoslovakia

and India--

Actually, there is no Czechoslovakia.


It's--it's either the Czech
Republic now or Slovakia.

Since when?


India's still there,

Yes. Yes.

I wanna see those places for myself.
- Yeah.

And I don't care where we go

just as long as I don't have
to carry any more dead cows.

What's that?

Bob works for Allen
Brothers Meat Packing.

Oh. Oh.
- There you go.

- What?

Is it wrong? Is it really, really,
really terrible to want security?

Long-term financial security?

How about long-term maximum security?

Because that's where we're
headed if we keep doing this.

Never having to worry again

about sickness, old age, the real
estate market, corporate fallout,

your kids in college,

and a master bath with a walk-in closet.


You almost sounded rational
there for a minute.

A walk-in closet?

We can't spend that money.

I'm sorry.

You know how people get busted?

They brag and they flash.

You don't think it will
draw a little attention?

Three girls from the Fed start
spending money they can't explain?

I mean, if we're gonna do this,

no big-ticket purchases,

no lifestyle changes.

We just go slow and be smart.

Oh, man.

I hate being smart.

When it's enough,

we all move somewhere where nobody knows

we're not supposed to have
that kind of money.

Look, Nina, I understand that
you don't want to spend the money,

and you don't really want sex--

Wait a minute!

I want to have sex.
I want to have sex.

Actually, if you can
come back in a minute.

It's been seven years.

I want it all day and all night.

But while we're living in the real world,

if we're gonna do this, we're
gonna do it right or not at all.

You don't seem to understand.

This is my plan.

Okay. So go do your plan!

Oops. You can't, can you?

Not by yourself.
You can't tell me what to do.

Would you stop fighting?

My way or no way at all.


Could I try this one on?

Of course.

Oh, my God.

How much?


That's a lot.
Not Really.

You pay for quality.

- You're spending the money.

What are you talking about?

Of course I'm not spending the money.

- No.

What's this?


Nina, it's nothing.
That's not even real.

It's not?
- No.

- Wait! Hey!

- No! Wait!


That's mine, Nina!

Okay! That was hostile.

Don't spend the money.


Sorry I'm late.

Where have you been?

It's 33-40. Here.

No! Don't!


Oh, shit!

- The key!

Oh, shit!

Oh! Oh!

Okay, where's the spare?

It's in the drain.

You didn't get Jackie's key?

I already did the first floor.
I can't go back up.

Do you have Jackie's cell number?

No, I never put it in my phone.

I didn't want anything to tie her to me.

Oh, God!
Come on!

Look, I gotta go.
My break is over.

Okay, go, go, go.
I'll figure something out.

All right, okay.
Just calm down.

Um, I'll think of something here.

I'll call you right back.

Okay, bye-bye.
Oh, my God!

Five minutes.
Jesus, God.

Hey! Hey, what the hell
are you doing out here?

You're not on break time.

He's got an important call to make.

You work here?
Put the phone away.

Make the call.
Make the call.

You do and you're fired.

Hey, listen you know something, fathead?

Why don't you just put
the damn stopwatch down, huh?

This is a family emergency here.

Look around you!
These are people!

You know, if you fire this man,

each one of these guys is
gonna walk off this dock.

Right, fellas?


You're on your own, Spartacus.
- Nope.

They cut benefits, man.

Hey, baby.

Hey, doll face.


Don. Don. Don.

What in the hell is that
woman doing in there?

Oh, that's not it.



Bob, no.

No, I can't go down there.

I can't go down there,
not until sorting finishes.

You all right?

- You okay?

Yeah. Just, you know,
carpal tunnel.

Messes with me sometimes.

Fantastic. Yes.
All right. I love you.

Oh! Oh, my--

Mrs. Cardigan.
- Mr. Glover.

You spend an unusual amount
of time in this bathroom.



every minute.



are you watching when
everybody goes everywhere?

I really hope so because...

maybe you can tell me

why they can't use the facility

in such a way as to keep
everything in the facility?

I'm a college-educated woman,

and I really don't
understand the physics.

Maybe--maybe you can
see how they even manage

to get what they get where they get it!

You know what we can do?

You and I could hang out.

You can get on the floor
like I do every day

and make a report!

How about that, Mr. Glover?
Huh? Do you like that idea?

What about that?
- Carry on!

Oh, my God.

Let's go.

Think fast.


Watch out.



I heard that.

You heard what?

I am married, asshole.

I ought to report you.

What the hell did you say to her, man?


Maybe she reads minds.

You need a hand with that?

No. No, no, no,
It's just fine.

Sometimes with these new
ones, you gotta wiggle them.

No, no, no.
Let me help you. I got it.

Your carpal tunnel and everything.




Seriously, guys!
Grow up, okay!

I'm not your personal maid, all right?

Oh, yes!


Slow it down.


This thing's really stuck.


I'll be right back.
One second.

Oh! Whose your pick for the playoffs?

What playoffs?


Oh, my God.
I thought there were playoffs.

Oh, man.

Oh, my God.

Got it.


Told you.


Oh, thank God.

They're okay.

Oh, sweetheart.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, God!


I'm sorry about your job.

I hated my job.

I used to think I did, too.

We need to talk.

Look, Barry, I know you're
probably a really nice guy and all,

and I don't want to make you feel badly,

but I'm really not in a
place in my life right now--

Unless you have half a dozen
very hard, rectangular breasts,

we need to talk.

Are you ought of your mind?

Look, if you're gonna bust me, bust me.

I don't need a lecture.

Who else is it?

The trash woman.
Who else?

I can't tell you that.

Tell them it's over.

What does he mean it's over?

Does it mean he turns
us in and we go to prison?

It's over, and nobody says anything?

We walk away it's over?

I don't know. I'm just
telling you what he said.

That's kinda like a major difference.

Planning my weekend
or planning my bail hearing.

Okay, okay.
Please stop fighting.

Now now, not here.

I think it meant walk away.

Yeah, because?

Because we're still here.


And he...
he likes me.


He does like you,
doesn't he?

A lot.

Oh, no.
No. Uh-uh!

That would be brilliant, Nina.
- No!

If you guys got together,

and then he was on our team, and then...

we would be foolproof.

So what are you saying?

Do you know what it is when
somebody trades sex for money?


Public service?

A good percentage of marriages.

What is with you people?

Now these are on me.

Look, we got a good thing going here.

And if getting Barry on our side

is the only way we can keep going,

I don't think it's asking too much
for you to take one for the team.

I mean...

besides, he's a total babe.

And you know, honey,
we would do this for you.

We would do this for you.
- Right.

Except we happen to be married.

And of course,
guess what?

P.S., he doesn't even want us.

He might not even want me.

Oh, yeah, right.

Wake up!

He's, like, all over you all the time.


are you worried because
it's been so long?

No, Nina, it's just like
riding a bicycle...upside down.

Okay, look, I still know
how to do it, okay?

I'm good, I promise you.

I'm good in that department, all right?

I'm just-- No.

I'm worried about how
I'll feel in the morning.



Why don't we just cut him in?

All right.
Whatever works.


But seven years is a
really long time, Nina.

Let's just leave it that I decide
what I think is right, okay?

Just get his address for me.


All right.
Just breathe.

Just like riding a bike, Nina.

Just like riding a bike.


You like riding a bike.

You ain't rode a bike in a while,

but it's gonna be okay.


Hi there.



you mind if I come in?

It's--it's kinda late.

Um, maybe we could--

Barry, who is it?

I'm sorry. I didn't know about your mom.

She needs someone to take care of her.

Um, maybe we could...

go out somewhere sometime.



Cards on the table, huh?

Don't you think?

What happened to us

is we found a way to get what we wanted.

I mean, have you ever thought about it?

What if you could have what you wanted?

I think about it all the time.

So what do you want?


I'm so sorry.

What the hell is the matter with you?

I--I beg your pardon?

Are you demented?
That is a fantastic woman.

I know.

Well? Are you afraid of her?
- No.

I'm a little afraid of you at the moment.

I don't think you're gay.

Thank you.

Yeah, so you get the girl,
you get the money.

So what's the problem, huh?

Okay. He'll join up.
He wants a full share.

He just doesn't want sex
with you to be part of the deal.

You're kidding.


It's possible I'm gonna have a stroke,

and they're gonna find
the words 'I told you so'

blocking the blood to my brain.

He says you're worth more than that.

He said that?


Oh, he sounds like a great guy.


You should just tell him
that you really want to.



He probably thinks I'm--

I told Prince Charming I'm a whore.

He didn't say that.

I told him I'm a whore.

No, no, no. Come on.
Nina, he didn't say that.

Don't get neurotic. I mean, really.
- Yeah.

Okay, forget about it.
Okay, forget it.

All right?
We're back in business.

There's a random search on Thursday.

So Friday, yeah?

Works for me.

Okay, is that it, Friday?

Friday's good, right?
- Yes.

This one's yours, right?

Yeah, thank you.

Look, I really owe you an apology.

You did what you thought you had to.


I'm that.

And I know you probably think that--

Maybe you got the wrong message here.

I never said I didn't want you.

I just didn't want you like that.

Well, look,
maybe we could just...

start from scratch.

Oh, my God!


- Excuse us.

No, no, that's fine.
I'm actually very sorry.

We'll be out in a minute.

No, no, please,
take your time.

Are you kidding me?
Everything's great.

Yeah, we got federal crimes,
a house full of loot,

and now people having sex in our closet.

I know.

Oh, come on, Bridget.

Are you really fine with all this?

Well, actually, I'm sort of hoping
she'll finally lighten up a bit

and let us start spending
some of this money.


I don't know.
Maybe I just wanted a job.


Actually, I thought I was losing her.

And all I could think of doing

was try to make her need me again.

All right, everyone,
listen up.

What you need is a boyfriend.

Hold up.
- Excuse me?

What you need is to not--

A rich one.

Someone who's out of town a lot,

gets you gifts,

pays for your kids' tuition
at a fancy private school.

And what you need is a job.

Hey, man,
I'm looking, all right?

Day trading, all right?

If anybody asks, you're
into short-term futures.

If somebody wants a tip

just tell them the market's
way too volatile.

Can you write that down?



your mom's gonna get
a big insurance settlement.


Of course I will be doing

freelance corporate
consulting out of our house,

which we will have to remodel.

There you are.

We all have jobs we need to do

or the appearance thereof.

Isn't he just great?

Hot damn. We're finally organized crime.

It's kinda hard to think
of ourselves as bank robbers.

It got be kinda like a job.


Of course we had problems,
you know?

Like where to put it all.

We had it down to a science.

The perfect money machine.


...can buy you...


Don't let anybody tell you different.

What is Marjorie
gonna say about that, huh?


I am so happy for you!

Are you?
Everything is wonderful.

Thank you.
Bridget, the good stuff.

The good stuff,
thank you.

The good stuff!
You're so funny!

Hi, Bridget.
- Hi. Hello.

Hi. How are you?
Good to see you.

Oh, hi!

Oh, how are you?

- Huh?

You having fun?
- Yeah.

You're not gonna believe this.
- What?

Tom Gaffney just offered me a job.

Senior VP, head of a division.

They're impressed by how well
I've been doing as a consultant.

Take it, Don.

You think?
- Yeah.

Is it weird wanting to sit in an
office all day when you don't have to?

You're a manager.
You need something to manage.

It's a pay cut.

We're gonna have to pretend
to be living on less.

Yeah, I know.

You know,
you could quit.


I mean, we could survive

being upper middle class
for a while, right?

Honey, I don't know.

I hate cleaning toilets,
but the money is so good.

Well, think about it.

Do you know that guy?

No. Why?

I don't know.

Oh, my God!

Oh! This is so exciting!

Oh, my God!
- Thank you.

- Ring, ring, ring!

Good for you guys.

Oh, that's great.

Yes, girl! Uh-huh!

Green-level employees,

like this young lady here,

are not allowed in red-level areas.

Transitions to red-badge areas

are modeled after Federal
maximum security prisons.

red IDs to ascend beyond the cameras.

It was that guy...

showing up.

The thing about
a perfect machine, though,

is you drop in one loose screw...


Oh! Jesus!

I just came from the loading dock.

I was dropping off a cart,

when all of a sudden,

Glover comes out of nowhere--

- Aah!

- Quiet!

Just be quiet.
Just be quiet.


What did you mean,
'We're busted'?

This guy was looking
at me very strangely.

I take my feelings seriously.

Okay, Jackie, but let's
try not to panic, okay?

Yeah, yeah. You said you
never saw him before, right?

You don't know why he could be here.

It could be nothing.

It is not nothing.

All right, we're just going
to try and find out, all right?


All right.


Ah! Service employees who
need access to red-level areas

are given yellow I.D. badges.

A yellow badge is only
allowed in secure areas

under red-level supervision.

Yellow badge employees are
given a rigorous screening

in national databanks

for criminal and psychiatric history.

It turns out they're all crazy.

That's a joke.

Whoa, whoa.



Oh, I think we're all safe
in this room, don't you?


Let's go right. Moving on.

Step right this way.

So as you can see,

there is simply no opportunity for theft,

which is why there's never been a theft

of even a single note at this facility

and there never will be.



these are not white-collar people.

They would have to
physically steal the money,

which I just told you is impossible.

You're talking about women who...

change trash bags.

They push carts around,

drop paper in a hole eight hours a day.

You got to admit it's
kind of impressive, though.


Yeah, I mean, these people
have managed to acquire

enormous sums of unaccounted for cash,

and no one can figure out how.

Isn't that odd? Are you
a little curious about that?

Yes. So what we need to
do is get the KCPD on them,

find out what they're up to.

We have...for months.

You've been watching them for months...

and nobody told me?

Yeah. We believe one of your
staff has been compromised.

We had to assume the entire
security squad was corrupt.

How the hell dare you come
in here slinging allegations

when you have nothing?

No evidence.

They could have gotten this
money any number of ways.

They--they could be involved
with drugs, computer crime?

Well, they could have gotten
it turning in cans for deposit,

but they work at a bank.

Actually, your bank.

You listen to me.

I run the tightest lockdown
this side of Fort Knox!

And until you can prove otherwise,

you get your glorified
paper-pushing ass out of here

and let some real men do their damn jobs!

You know, I hope for
your sake you're right,

and I hope this place is as airtight
as you seem to wanna believe it is,

and I hope that you're
not a part of a conspiracy

to steal from the Federal Government,

because that would be a crime

punishable to the fullest
extent of the law.

You will be held accountable.

He's a Federal Bank examiner.

Mindy Arbogast called of course.

He's talking to all of our neighbors.

What was he asking?

How we make our money.
What I do for a living.

Are you sure it's
the same guy from the party?

Yes. Yes, I am sure it's
the guy from the party.

All right.
What we need to do

is we need to talk to a lawyer.

We'll give ourselves up.

We are not going to do that. Mm-mmm.

No. No, no, honey,
listen to me.

Look, we still have most
of the money, right?

So we'll give it back,

and we'll negotiate some kind of,

you know,
suspended sentences

or something like that,
all right?

Don, I can't do that.
We cannot do that.

Bridget, please.

We have so few cards to play.

Honey, it's not shoplifting.

It's a federal crime.

Don! We can't turn
ourselves in because...

they're gonna take Nina's kids away.

And, uh...

she'd kill me.

No. Bob...

it is not a surveillance blimp.


Don't worry.
I'll call you right back.

I'm going to jail.

No. No.
No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

I am telling you
if they had any evidence,

they would have arrested us already,

and they're just fishing.

So I'm saying we were careful, correct?

Everybody spent within
the cover stories, right?

Do investments count as spending?

What investments?

You said be a day trader.

No, we didn't.
Oh, boy!

We said pretend to be a day trader.
- Yeah.

Well, I was...

you know, getting into character, right?

And I set up this portfolio.

The Bob Fund.

Oh, good God!
- And, uh...

I am making 17%.

Did you ever invest amounts
greater than $10,000 at one time?

Oh, hell yeah!
- You did.

Like big mondo chunks, man!

Yeah, totally!

I'm looking to make
the large green, hombre.

You think I like thinking
of my wife on her feet

from nine to five every day
ripping off the government?

This is bad, right?

Transactions over $10,
are automatically reported to the IRS!

How many times do I have to say that?

Well, I didn't-- I didn't know that.

Look, you cannot blame me
for things I didn't know.

That would not be fair.

All right, look,

it doesn't prove one thing.

They can't arrest us without evidence.

What about the piles of
cash in our houses?

I mean, you don't think that
might be a little problem?

Uh, well--

We're gonna have to
get rid of it...tonight.

No. We'll take it with us.

We'll run. We'll get new identities.

- No. Shut up, will you?

What do you mean run?
To where?

What so we tell our kids?

Like they ever call us?

It's too late.
- They're already watching us.

There was blimp over our house.
- Bob!

Come on.

Bridget, please.

We worked so hard.

And that's it?


We'll be all right.
We'll be all right.

She'll--she'll do it...

Did you say 17%?


My God,
that's unbelievable.

What, are you mad, babe?

This is crazy.

Listen, Nina,

I know cops from work,

how they do things.

What happens when they
don't have enough evidence

is they try and get one of us
to roll over against the other,


The thing is they only need one.

Whoever rolls over first gets the deal.

First-time offender,
single mom,

they might deal you down to
probation if you roll now, alone.

I can't-- I can't do that.

We're all grownups here.

We did what we did.

The boys...

you should know how it works.

We could do it, you know.

Get away.

I don't want to.


I mean, I'm sorry,
but I--

I can't live with it just hanging
over us the rest of our life.

I'm not sorry we did it,

but I really...

I'd really like this part to be over.

Hang on.

Yeah, we are in a police state.

No, we're not in a police state.

Yeah, we are.
It's like 1989.


Oh, no!

God, what an idiot.

Honey, I need more.



Shh. Quiet.
Shh. Rufus.

Good Rufus.

Okay. They're on the move.


Beautiful, doll.


This is the police.
Stop your vehicle.

stop your vehicle.

Exit with your hands above your head.

Now we're under surveillance.


Keep your hands where we can see 'em!

KCPD! Drop it!

Drop it!

Hold it!
Don't you move!

Mom, what's going on?

Stay in the house, boys.

We're going in.
You stay put.

Nice house.

Kansas City Police!

Up here.



I don't suppose anyone's seen my wife.




King room,
no smoking.

You'll be putting this on which card?

I'm paying in cash.

We still need a credit
card for incidentals.

There won't be any incidents,

will there?

No, ma'am.

Room 412.

Right through there.

You need to help yourself here.

Yeah, well, I want to see a lawyer.

Donde my abogato.

Just tell us how they did it.

Did you hear me?




She left you, man.

Your wife ditched you.

What are you gonna do about that?

Wish her well?

Your children are at
the Child Welfare offices.

When you're indicted,

we'll put them into
the foster care system.

Now, the district attorney can help you

if you help him.



How much?

How much what?

How much did you take?

I'm not sure I know what you mean.

Why? How much do you think I took?

We have no idea.

That's right.

You don't know?
- Nope.

Oh. Good.

You can't arrest me.

You're a bank examiner.

That's right.
- Right.

Well, you've done your homework.

What do you want?

I guess I wanna know
what makes someone like you

decide to do something like this?

Well, I have a theory.
- Mm-hmm.

Crime is contagious.

Oh, brother.

He is a piece of work.

Oh, yeah.
Look in the camera.

Greetings, Earthlings.

You know those two
amazing women-- amazing--

that they just arrested,

and--and their families and my husband?

They never really had a shot.

I mean, they kept trying,
and they did their best,

but what did they really get out of it?

A gigantic untraceable fortune.

Prove it.


I've been told you want a deal.


It should have been a little faster.


The girl.

Kind of a hinky plea bargain.

She says the deal is you get the walk.

Full immunity.

She tells us everything

if you get to go home to your kids.

Go figure people.

What do you want?
Bridget, I didn't--

I need a lawyer.

I don't do criminal work, Bridget.

You take that out of
this house this minute.

You know, not everybody is like you.

Some of us have morals and standards--

Shut up, Mindy!

I'm a tax attorney.

I know that.

Excuse me.

What's going on here?

Was she represented?

Deal's done.

I am this woman's attorney.

You're what?

The deal wasn't with her.

It was with one of the other suspects.

I represent them all.

And I need to confer
with my

Wait right here.

You have no case against my clients.

We have a confession.

She'll recant.

They all will.

What about the money,
the cars, the houses?

There's no law against having money.

Can you prove they stole it?

Of course they stole it.

Did they?

These women robbed
your bank for three years

without setting off a single alarm?

Is that what happened,
Mr. Glover?

According to our records,

all currency that was
due to be destroyed...

was destroyed.

The Fed is a totally secure institution.

We watch everyone...


every minute.

It is impossible to remove
currency from our system.

There's no evidence the crime
was even committed.

You should never have arrested them.

Not so fast,


Ever hear of U.S. Code Section 7201?


Well, Bridget,
you were right.

You didn't pay taxes.

On stolen money?

I didn't hear that.

The IRS is offering what I consider...

a good deal.

No jail time.

Oh! Oh, thank you!

But the fines and the penalties
will wipe you out.

You can walk away from this if...

you walk empty-handed.

I didn't think we'd
be coming out of there.

Christ, Arbogast,
he is so good.

I had no idea.

You didn't really think that I
would leave you in there, did you?


One hell of a ride, huh?


Hell of a ride.

- Bye.

Bye, Nina.

Come on, boys.

Hey, Junior.
- Hey, hey.

Long time no see.

I know. The place is looking nice.

Yes, it is,
isn't it?

Hey, Bridget.


- Jackie!

How you doing, girl?
I've missed you.

How was the honeymoon?

Was it?
Yeah, tell.

Two very fine days.

That's it.

Oh, and the five of us crammed
up in that tiny apartment.

Boy, you really got have
a good sense of humor.

And we got the two incomes, so...

I can't complain.

- Wow.

Well, Bob got his job back.
- Okay!

And I'm waitressing.

And we figure in five years,

we're going to South America.

We're driving all the way to the bottom.

There you go.

- There you go, ladies.

This one's on the house.

Like old times.

No shit.

We're going back to...


Bob has access to a lot of beef.

No. No.


- Yes, no.


But we're moving.

To the Caribbean.

We're gonna open a little

I'm gonna cook.

Don's gonna manage it of course.

We've been talking about this for years.

But we're just kinda waiting

until it's not..,
so hot.


It's chilly out.


Hey, wait. Did you ever hear
that expression 'mad money?'

My mother used to say,
'Every woman should keep

a little mad money
tucked away just in case.'

Do you use mad money when you go mad

or when you get mad?

Why don't you decide for yourself?


- Come on.

Watch your step.

Do you know?
- No.

What are you up to?
Why are we down here?

Relax. You just have to
have a little patience.

Does this look familiar?


Holy shit!
- Oh!

Who did it?
- I did! Me!

Oh, my God!

You sneaky criminal mastermind!


Special thanks to SergeiK.