Miss Conception Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Miss Conception script is here for all you fans of the Heather Graham movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Miss Conception quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Miss Conception Script

[Phone ringing softly]








Georgina, phone.


What? What's
the matter?

The phone is
ringing, sweetheart.

I think
it's for you.



I'll get it.

What's the point of
having an answerphone

if you don't
even switch it on.

Oh, shit!


Daniel, hi. All right,
what's happened?
Okay, calm...

Oh, that's great
news. M m.

How, how is she?

Oh. Ah-ha.

Er, no, God, no, I'm really
glad you woke me up to
tell me that. M mm.

Right, well, er...
I guess we'll, um,

we'll see you
both, er, see the
three of you soon.

Yeah, er, er,

Okay. Well, well
done you two. Bye.

Rebecca's had her baby.

Yes. The, the baby
has finally arrived.

So, is it a
boy or a girl?

Er, hair, weight?

U m, they didn't say.

Name? Does
it have a name?


Eye color?

Eyes. Eyes.
It's got eyes.

God, I hope
it's got eyes.


Your sister had a baby.
A brand new little baby!


Get dressed.

Are you mad?
It's dark out there.

We need a present.

It's the middle
of the night.

We need a present.

Ok, I will go
to the 24 hour garage.

Good plan. Get it
20 Bensons and a
a Twix.

Your sister had a baby.
A teeny, tiny baby.

I know, my darling.
It's lovely.

I'll go to town with
mum in the morning
for the present.

Good plan.

Arert you excited,
just a little?

Well, um,
now you come
to mention it,

[Georgina groans]

Ooh, M iss Salt!

Oan you imagine what
it's like to hold your
very own little baby?

Not really.

Do we have to?


I wish you
werert going.

It's only
for a couple
of nights.

What time is
Robert coming?

He's not.
Alexandra is.

Alexandra? That's
a pretty name.

She's a failed
fashion student or
a model or something.

A model?

You know.
One of those annoying
daddy's rich girls

who always gets bailed out.
And as Daddy is our
major financier...

She's going to
Newcastle with you?

No, no.
I reland, next week.


[Car honks]
Oh God,
they're here.

Oouldrt you work with
someone unattractive?

Don't worry, darling,
she's not my type.

She looks a bit like
a Russian tennis player.
A male one.

Love you.

Yeah, me too!

(male voice)
Hey Brian,
she's here.

Your girlfriend's
here, Brian.

Morning, Jim.

Morning, boss.

Morning, Brian.


Morning, boss.

How's it going?

Everything's fine
from where
I'm standing.

Tell the rest of the
Village People I don't
want to be disturbed.

I have a lot of work
and I need to get
my head down.

Well, you don't
have to. But
if you insist.

Hey, Brian-o,
watch your hernia.

Oan someone give
Brian a hand? Looks
like he's struggling.

No, I'm fine.

Too heavy for you?

You big
girl's blouse.

M um!



You look so good.
How are you?

I'm fine.

Oh, my goodness.
This looks a bit grand.

It's exciting.

I should think
it's very pricey.

Now, darling, don't
get carried away.





Oh, look,
little dragonflies.

I know.

(female voice)
Your biological
clock is ticking,

and you can't
turn it back.

But for some women,
this issue may be of
even greater concern

and for those women,
Doctor Dupompe

is the leading
physician in the
field of infertility.

[Doctor, French accent]
The early menopause
can affect as many

as one in every four
women, even as young
as 34.

J ust like poor
old Harriet.

Auntie Harry? Hairy
Harry? I thought she
was just a lesbian.

Come here, darling!

That Harriet. She
always had problems
down below.

Dr Dupompe could be your
hope in a barren world.

Symptoms include
weight gain

headaches, changes
in body odor,

and an increase
in facial hair.

If it wasrt for
Doctor Dupompe,

I would have
remained childless.

To put your mind at
rest, why not visit us

at Dupompe Fertility
Care. We care.

I'll take it.

It's 150 pounds!

Wrap it up.

Oome on, we're
going to be late.

Oalm down. It's
just over there.

Oh, darling,
please, slow down.

So, Arabella has
found me the most
fabulous new guru

who is going to change
my life, and I have an
appointment with her

today at three o'clock. So,
think I'll make it? Or
should I call her?


Alright, I'll
just call her.

Darling, you know
I'm there for you,

but couldn't you
have waited for Zak?

I'm 33 years old, and
early menopause runs
in my family.

My mum is
a good Oatholic,
I'm an only child,

and Auntie Harry
has a mustache.
Do the maths!

Look, I've had five
periods last year. Five
out of a possible 12.


Not another word.

[Phone rings]

(female voice)
Hello, Dupompe
Fertility Clinic.

Hope you're not
as sterile as
this room.

How kind.
Remind me again
why you're here.

What does Zak
think about all
of this anyway?

Oh. M mm.

Oh, brilliant.

Look, he's working really
hard, I don't want
to worry him.

And you know he
gets funny about
womers bits and babies.

Darling, you're going
to scare the living
daylights out of him.

I want a baby
more than anything.

I know it's a hideous concept
to you but could you,
for once just

be nice and supportive
and agree with
everything I say?

Hello? Yes,
of course.

Miss Salt, please.

And this is my
best friend Clem.

Hello to
M iss Olem.

Who looks like
a very healthy
young lady.


Thank you for
seeing me on
such short notice.

It's always a pleasure
to see young women

who take
their fertility
health seriously.

Miss Clem,
do you have
'des enfants'?

What, me?
No. Not even
'des' goldfish.

I don't want to
ruin my physique.

Such a pity,
no? So,

down to
business, yes?


Now, laparoscopy is
a very light surgery.

There is no
scars whatsoever.

It's just a little
peek at the ovaries.

Well, it should
be free, then.

Thank you, Olem. When
will we know that
everything is okay?

Soon enough. Well,
I'm sure a healthy
young lady like you

has nothing to worry
about. Okay? Shall we
get started?

Your best, best friend
can come back for you
in about three hours.

Right. Good luck.

And no funny business.
I'm a lawyer.

M mm-hmm.

N urse, prepare five
milligrams to start with.

(female nurse)
Yes, doctor.

Thank you.

Calm down, Miss Salt.

We'll just put you
into a twilight sleep.

H mm.


H i!


I'm glad
you're back.


We're going to a party
at your sister's
house for the baby.

What? Now?
You are joking?


Okay, okay.

Don't wind Daniel
up about his
'Ohelsea tractor. '

Don't get pissed
and do the crap joke.

The elephant is
very funny.

I n front of
your mother?

And at least
pretend you're
interested in the baby.




Hello, darling.


Ah, yeah.

Eyes. It's got eyes.
Two of them.
Told you.

They generally
come with eyes.

Cor, It's got a kind
of squidged up face

as well. It's all
sort of squidgy.
J ust there.

How nice of you
to point out
the squidginess.

But 'it' is a she.
Your niece, Arabella.

Oh, it's not... it's
not doing a shit, is it?

No, she's yawning.


She's so beautiful,
look at her.

Yeah, God, love her.

Is there any, um...?

Oan l...?

Have her?
By all means.

I lost all feeling
in my left arm
20 minutes ago.


It's not good for
my nether regions

to be sitting in the
one place for
too long.

Jesus Ohrist,
what is that?!

That's me. It's
what's called
a belly cast.

God, that's amazing.

It took forever.

It's funny.

I wasrt keen at first

but I'm really
glad that Daniel

persuaded me to
get it done.

There you go.
Don't touch it.

It's a perfect reminder
of a precious time.

And a constant reminder
of why I have
stretch marks.

It's a small
price to pay.


U h-oh.

My poor belly.

I didn't,
that wasrt...

That was... right,
that was...

What you doing?



Well, don't walk off
like that, I mean,

someone is
gonna have
to clear it up.



Well, that didn't
go too badly.

That was you,
wasrt it?

What? That little boy
was running around...

You smashed your
sister's sculpture.


It's bad enough
you broke it, but you
blame a three year-old.

I'm sorry.

You couldn't
care less.

Well, you know...

Exactly. How could I ever
think you'd be responsible
enough to be a father?


What's the point?

Rebecca is looking well,
isn't she... darling?


Bizarrely, this
baby lark seems
to suit her.

Why would the concept
of a baby suiting someone
be so bizarre to you?

I'm just saying
my sister is
doing well.

Strange that she's
three years younger
but much more mature.

That's your opinion.

You've won
every prize possible
for your documentaries.

What more do you
need to prove
you're ready?

You can't keep avoiding
the issue. J ust tell me
why do you hate...

I do not hate
babies! Okay?

How'd you know
I was gonna
say "babies"?

Stop the car.

No, I'm not
gonna stop the car.

It's all about
you, isn't it?

What about what
makes me happy?

All right then.



H mpf!

Georgina, get back
in the car, you're
being ridiculous.

All right, we'll talk.

I don't wanna talk
to a babyaphobe.

If you won't give
me what I need,

then I'll
find someone
else who will.

You mark my words.

Where you going?

[City sounds]

Fuck sake.

Fuck off!

You can stay here
as long as it takes.

Yeah, thanks, mate.

J ust give her
a couple of days,
she'll calm down.

You know what
they're like.


Yes, women.

Who would have them?



And you.

If she'd let you back
in your flat...
Which she won't.

Well... just leave
her to sweat it out.

I'll be back from I reland
in a couple of weeks.
She'll be all over me.

You should never have put
the words "hate" and "baby"
in the same sentence.

Big mistake?

She's not getting
any younger, is she?

No. She's not
a spring chicken.

And in my experience,
when they hit a
certain age,

they get funny about
babies and shite.

Bloody biological clock.

You know what,
Benny boy?
You're right.

I fancy just chilling
here, sinking a couple
of beers...

watch some shit
on the telly.

J ust you and me.
Oouple of big men
having some big man fun.

Zak. Too gay.

Yeah, it was a bit,
wasrt it? Sorry.

[Cell phone rings]


(female voice)
Miss Salt?

Dr Dupompe would
like to see you.

Yes, I'll be there.


A woman is born with
a definitive number of ova

and then
the shop


But I have some left?

Madame, I can see
only one ovum on
the right.

Now, you have two weeks
before you ovulate

and then...

It's bye-bye baby,
hello mustache.

Olem! So when
exactly do I ovulate?

The 22nd,

23rd, 24th and 25th.

Oh, the 25th is
my birthday.

Then a baby shall
be your gift.

Now, for these
four days,

you will need
to spend every
second with your husband.

I don't have
a husband.

Your boyfriend?

No, there's no-one.

Oart you just
take it out

and put it
in a lovely
little container

and cryogenically
freeze it for later?

Madame, it's
not a sorbet.

May I suggest...?

Sperm? I don't want
sperm, I want a baby.


How are you?


Are you okay?

It's terrible.

Really, really bad.
What's happened.

Well, what?

I spoke
to my guru
last night,

says that I
can't eat
chocolate anymore.

That it's blocking
all my chakras.

It's just so hard
for me to imagine.

So... that's it.

For the rest
of my life. No
chocolate ever.


Do you have the
same chocolate
chakra thing?

I have this weird
recurring nightmare,
where I wake up,

and I'm old and
hairy and alone.

And I'm actually
living my nightmare.

I ordered starters
because I thought
you might be peckish.

Listen, you're
not hairy or old,
you're beautiful.

Thank you.

I need more
than one egg!

You can have mine,
if you like.

Darling, she's only
got one egg left,
down there.

One ovum left.

What, you mean...


Oh God. J ust
the one? Oh...

That's bad,
isn't it?
Is that bad?

Listen, listen,

remember when we were and the dentist said
you needed braces?

We said that we were
going to go get second opinions

and we did go
get ten second
opinions and

all the dentists
said that you
needed braces.

We don't have time
for second opinions.

I've got two weeks, I've
only got the one egg
left. J ust one!

Yeah. U m...

I prefer the red to
the London stock,

but the red
is 1 p more.

(1 st workman)
It's your
choice, boss.

This is the local one.


H mm.
That one.

No, that one.

No, er, that one.
Hang on a sec.


[Cell vibrating]

Alexandra, can you
get that please?

[Busy signal]

[Breathes in deeply]
Wait right there.

It wasrt important.

Let me know if
Georgina calls.

I thought you
guys broke up.

Georgina, I
just need...

We'll do it later.
John, out, I'm in
a hurry.

Good morning.

I wondered...

H i!

H i. N ice
to meet you.

Is Zak
Solomon in?

And you are...

H is... friend.

Funny. He's not
mentioned you.

Really? Oh,
is he here?

Zakkie? You
just missed him.

He left for I reland
this morning.

He wasrt supposed to
leave till tomorrow!

Last minute change.
He said he just couldn't
wait to get away.

You know how
impulsive Zakkie is.

There must be some
way of contacting him.
It's really urgent.

H is cell phone
doesn't work on
the island. Sorry.

There must be some
way to contact him?

I'll be joining
him tomorrow, so
leave it with me.

I'll tell
him to call... who
are you again?

Georgina! Oan
you write it down?

He's booked us this
quaint little B & B
in the middle of nowhere.

Maybe that'll
have a land line.

No running water
or heating, mind you.

J ust each other...
for warmth.

Are you
and Zak...?

Hello Daddy?

It was really nice
to meet you, Geraldine.

Daddy, I need more
allowance for my trip.

Yes, to I reland.
Oh, really? I'm
so excited!

You're probably
just working
too hard.

Why don't you take
a holiday with Olem?
Find somewhere nice.

Go and have some fun.

Holidays are for happy
people who want to spend
time with their loved ones.


Hello! How's
my favorite lady?

Hello, darling.


Fancy a cuppa?

May I have a cappuccino
with extra cream
and choccy?

Thank you.

So, darling,
I have done it.

I have called
Guru Luke,

and she said it's
all right to give
your "spunk"

to a
complete stranger.

So, how long will
it take to get
to Scotland?

I reland. We're
going to I reland.


It's probably about
a 45-minute flight.

Then a boat trip over.
Should be at the hotel
by about teatime.

Soda rolls and
cheese, I expect.

Not cheese. It gives me
migraines. Believe me,
it's not pretty.

I barf like
an elephant.

N ice.

To the most
successful insemination

that will ever be.


Alright, darling,
how's the plan?

It's in development.

Let's have
a look.

There's nothing
on it.

I need your help.

Darling, help her.

Don't look.

Stop being
such a queen.

How obvious, J ustin.
Very deep.

"Sexy straight man."
That's practical.

And on Day Four

if we erase "sexy"
and "straight"

and add "J ustin."

I think you're
very sexy.

J ust stunning.

So close to
the mainland, but
so wild and untouched.

Oh, yes. We're
untouched by the
modern hand of Satan.

Apart from the
odd plane or two.

Island Life.
The Rugged West.

Day One, we find
ourselves in I nishmaan.


It's the least
populated of
the Aran islands.

It's a wild,
rugged beauty

which has embraced
human life for over
5, 000 years.

Is there a TV?

Why waste time
doing a TV program

about people who
don't own a TV?
Doesrt make sense.

If every assistant
was like you,

there'd be a
drastic improvement
in viewing quality.

You're right there.


I don't want any stranger,
someone I know is awkward

and we've established
the sperm bank is
a no-no.

What about
"Sexy Brian"?

How could I look
him in the face
every day?

What about
"Sexy Brian"?

It's not ethical.

I don't feel
we're focused.

I really don't.
What about
a wedding?

Because everyone's
really pissed and there's
loads of love in the room.

Yeah, or a
Ohristmas party.

I n April?

A funeral.

That's sick.

I love it.

Yeah, think
about it.

There are a lot of
vulnerable men,

overwhelmed with emotion
and not thinking
too straight,

some alcohol,
gorgeous Georgie,
easy pickings.

I think it's fantastic.
Alright, so, to review.

On Day One you
are going to lure

a really sexy handpicked
stranger back to your
apartment, right?

The only thing
to figure out is how
you're going to lure

the stranger back
to your apartment.

Then, on Day
Two, if you
haven't shagged,

then you go
to a very chic,
tasteful burial.

The dead man can be
no older than 40,
because he'll have loads

of really sad lonely
friends you'll
have to comfort.

On Day Three,
if you haven't
shagged by then

we'll just have
to go to some club,
and you'll just

take the first
randy stranger.

And take him back
to a hotel, it's
easier to escape.

And I do know
of a really fabulous hotel
near the club I've in mind.

And if we do get to
Day Four, J ustin,
darling, my pet,

I'll even get you
a hotel room.

I think you
should definitely
buy some sperm

just in case the
plan is a flop.

J ustin? I think with
you on hand for
the top-up,

this plan
is foolproof.

So Lizzie decided
to get a lodger.

She puts one ad
in The Post

and the first
guy that walks in
within 10 seconds

they're having sex all
over the apartment. So...

No, that's it,
that's it.

Day One, we advertise
your house to let,

by luring the
Sexy Stranger
to your house.

Have to tidy
up Zak's stuff.

But you're really
getting the hang
of it!

Oh Olem, look.
There's Ben.

Maybe he knows
how to get hold
of Zak.

Oh God.

All right?

Stop it, stop it.
Don't, don't.


Don't call
him over, please.

Have you
and Ben...?

I have not and
I never will.

All right, girls?



I nteresting tree?

Yes, I happen to like
the bark and the leaves
on the tree very much.

Getting in shape?

I don't think there's
anything wrong with
my shape, thank you.

I know.

We're in a park,
and Olem needed
a wee, so...

The tree gets it.

If you don't mind,
I'd actually like
a bit of privacy.

I'm really glad
we bumped into you,

I really need
to get hold
of Zak.

Sorry, I don't
do domestics.
Keep me out.

I know it's
a lot to ask,
but it's really urgent.

If he gets in touch,
I'll tell him to call.

Thanks, Ben.


can you please go
back to your friends

so I can have
a wee? Thanks.

Watching is out
of the question?


All right, lads,
slide it over here.

Shut up.

I like bark.

Shut up.
Stop it.

What was
wrong with you?

Beautiful apartment
for rent.

Open for viewing
between six and eight.

It's not too early
for you to have
sex, is it?

Hello? Yes, it
would suit a young
professional person

Dark, handsome
males in prime
physical condition.

Maybe you'd
prefer to place it

in the 'lonely
hearts' section?

This is a
serious advertisement.

The apartment
just happens to
be very manly.

Of course, madam.
Can I take your credit
card details, please?


Are you sure you want
to go through with this?

I want to be pregnant.
I want to be a mother.

I want the
whole experience.

My whole body is
just aching for it.

All right.

[Opera music]

J ustin!


J ustin, for
fuck's sake!

Sorry, Ooco.

Be careful.



So, Georgie has hundreds
of professional
young males

coming tomorrow,
so can you make
her look fabulous

and just do your
magicky things?


And, J ustin, I want to
be sexy but not
too slutty.

Only one
ovum left.

I need more
than one egg.

On Day One, a sexy
handpicked stranger

will be lured
to your apartment,

but we need
to find a way
to lure him back.

[Alarm clock rings]

"My belly is a
welcoming womb of
warmth and willingness."

My belly is a
welcoming womb of
warmth and willingness.

I didn't realize
microphones were
so fluffy.

The mic is inside.

Do they come in
different colors?

A pink one would
look really cool.

Great idea.



we'll spend the first
few days shooting G Vs,
landscapes, etcetera.

Pretty pictures?

Yeah, yeah.

And when people
are used to
seeing us,

when we've had
a few drinks

we can
start doing
some interviews.

Try to fit in,
gain people's trust.

I ntegrity, that
sort of thing.

Oh, you're so cute
and so fluffy
and adorable!

Zak, take a
picture of this!

You do realize that
donkey probably
has rabies.




Are you sure we're
doing the right thing?

Stop panicking. It's
really going to
be fine.

Darling, what's
all this?

I thought I'd make
a casual reference

and see how
compatible we are.

You're not going
to marry them, you
want their sperm.

But if I want
a nice baby it helps
to have similar interests.

Have you
prepared your story?

U h, no.

What are you going
to say about yourself?

I'm Georgina Salt, I own
a construction company.




I'm Georgina Salt, I own
a construction company.

No, they don't want a
girl in a hard hat,

they want a woman
who is strange and
mysterious and fabulous.

Strange, mysterious,

Try these.

They're sort of...

They're just...

We should go.

Good luck.

(J ustin)
Hang on.
Another dog.

No. We asked
for handsome
professional males.


H i. Sorry.
Are you here to
rent that apartment?

No, I'm so sorry,
but it's been rented
by me and my fiance.

We're just so
in love. Sorry.


Oh God.

Did you not
put "straight"
in the ad?

Oh God, this is
a complete waste
of time.

Hello, soldier.


H i. Bob Tushy.

You have a really
nice place.

Thank you.

So, where are
you heading?

U mmm, I've been
headhunted to head-up
the head office.

It's very
exciting stuff.

So where's
head office?
Anywhere nice?

U mmm,


What will a... beautiful
lady like you do
out there?

U mm, it's very
hush-hush, on
the QT, but

I'll probably be
killed while I'm away.


Would you like
to sit down?


Do you like
Italian food?

I love it.


I started making
my own pasta recently.

Messy, but
it's won'th it.

What do you make?

Linguine, tortellini...
All kinds.

Do you like France?

I just went there
on my holidays.


Oh! Where
did you go?

Paris, and
then Versailles,
which is amazing.

I've been there.
It's so beautiful.

Stunning, really.


Do you
like architecture?

My sister's
an architect.

[Phone rings]
I have a lot of
respect for what she does

because, um,
she builds things...

then, they're
always there.

(Zak, phone beeps)
Georgina, darling,
it's me!

Baby, if
you're there,
pick up please!


Darling, it's me.

Baby, if you're there,
can you pick up please?



Thank God. I'm so
glad you called.

J ust, um,
hold on.

Have you got
someone there?

M r. Tushy.


I am so sorry,
but the apartment

has just been
rented by a very
nice man.

Well, maybe
I could call.

Maybe not.

Zak, are you still
there? You'll never
guess what's happened.

I have to see you.

Zakkie, honey,
could you zip me up?

Georgie? Georgina?


What?! I only asked
if you could
zip me up?

I don't understand. Why
call if he's still with her?

Who knows
what's running
through his head.

He probably wants
his pie and
his chips.

He wouldn't
do that.

George, he's a man.
And he's selfish,
and, darling,

he's let you down
when you needed
him the most.

What do you know about it?
You don't know what
it's like, do you?

The longest you've
been with someone
is three weeks.

You don't know what it's
like to be with someone
for the longterm.

That's not true.
I was with with Greg
for one year.

Whoop dee doo.
You had a teenage crush
on some boy 13 years ago.

Did you know that
I was pregnant?

You know,

I was
so scared.

And I thought

I don't want
to get fat.

And I want...

and I still
want to go
to parties.

And I want to wear
short dresses.
So we...

I made
the decision.

And it was gone.

And I
thought, "Right,

now everything's going
to just go back to
normal" and...

he left.

I'm so sorry.

Do you know
that he used to...

kiss me right here...

to wake me up
in the morning...

J ust move
the hair out
of my eyes.

Fucking coconuts.

He always smelled
of coconut shampoo.

Oh, Olem.

Why didn't you tell me?
I would have been there.
I would have helped you.

I didn't tell you
because I don't
want to be

one of those
really sad
dreary women.

You won't be.
I won't let you.

And I won't
let you either.

Oome here.

My belly is a
welcoming womb

of warmth
and willingness.

[Alarm clock rings]


"I am a fertile female

"full of fecundity
and fruitfulness.

"I am a fertile female

full of fecundity
and fruitfulness."

[Thunder and rain]

For fuck's sake!
It's just a drizzle!

Oome on!

Know how frizzy
this'll get?

You are about
as much use as an
ejector seat in a helicopter!


Oome on,
Georgie, pick up.


No signal. Great.

[Bell tolling]

So many men,
so little time.

How did this
guy Benny die?

Parachute jump.


Oome on.



H i. Our friend seems
to have disappeared.

Oan we get a lift
to the party? I
mean, the wake?

Sure. Hop in.
I'm Malcolm.



There you go.

Thank you.

[Chatter and music]

(DJ, over PTA)
This one is
for Benny boy.

This looks promising.


Excuse me, darling,
how did you
know Benny?

Everyone knew Benny.

Hello. Thank you.

He owned the club.
Boy's N ight.

Yeah, you're
with me, love.

Isn't this great?
They are well
up for it.

If I can't pull
one of this lot,

you might as well
shoot me now.

I better load
both barrels.



All of them?

Well, maybe
not them.

But the rest?

At a guess, yes.

(man in drag)
Hello. Dressing
down for this one.

Do you mind?

Oarry on.

He would have
loved this.


Well, Benny.

Oh, yes.
He would,
wouldn't he?

I'm James,
by the way.
Benny's accountant.

Oh, his ex-accountant.

You're his

No, I mean you are
with him being dead
and everything.

Oh, right.

It's a nice disco,
isn't it? Do you
like disco dancing?

M m. My girlfriend, well,
my ex-girlfriend

I danced like I had
a poker up my arse,
which put me off.

No shit?!


Right. Well, it was
nice to meet
you, um...?

Georgina. I'll look out
for the poker dancing.

I'm afraid you'll be
looking for a while.

I'm off home.
It's been a
long day.

Oh, er, wait...
could I, um,

could I go home with you?
I mean, wait, sorry,

could I get a lift
home to my home? U m...

Would I have
to dance?

U m, dancing is
not obligatory.

I'd love to.

[Olem shouts]

I'm sorry about
the mess. I've been
so busy with work lately.

Busy, busy, busy.

Yes... Busy.

Oh, it's... homely.

[Both chuckle]

Would you like
some wine before...?

Wine would be
lovely before...

U m, take a seat, make
yourself comfortable.

It was so sad
when I heard
about... Benny.

It was such
a shock.

Well, he liked to
take risks, didn't he?

I suppose knowing
he lived his life to
the full is some comfort.

We had some crazy
times together.

Did you now?

Like what, exactly?

The usual
crazy stuff.
It's madness.

Anyway, let's not
talk about Benny.

It's so sad.
Let's just
talk about us.

Yes. Let's.

Oh, shit.

H m. Shit just
about covers it.

Oh. Er, no,
er, look, it's
very complicated.

No, it's very simple.
"Day one"

No, you
don't understand.
Some more wine?

What kind of sick
person are you?

And for the record,

your flat has
gone way past homely.


I need more
than one egg.

I don't want sperm,
I want a baby.

22nd, 23rd,
24th, 25th.
Zak, where are you?

[Alarm clock rings]


Oh, Zak,
where are you?

(M um)
Let's get you something
nice for your birthday.

What do you
need, dear?

They don't sell
what I need here.

I don't feel like
partying this year.

All right, love.

But at least let me
make you a birthday cake.

Why don't we split up
and we'll have it
done in no time?

All right, love.

[Whimsical music]

(M um)
Someone likes
his nuts!


[Whimsical music]

N ice young man.

Now, dear, have we
got everything?

[Bell tolling]

What may be boring
for you may not be
for other people.

Ohrist, if it's...

You can't say that,
okay? Not here.


Or that! They'd
prefer if you swore.

You'd be better
off with a "shit."

Or, just a good
loud "fuck."

H i.

Welcome. Please,
follow me.

U pstairs are the
dormitories and
the prayer rooms.

Not you, sir.
Only the young
lady can come.

U m, uh...

Look... if you
want decent funding

for this precious
series of yours,

it's gonna have
to be great,
not good.

So just relax,
and let me do
what I do best.

And what is
that, exactly?

Girl talk.

Hey! Wait up!

Beautiful, isn't it?


A mother and her
newborn child.

Creation. Nothing
is more divine.

I suppose not.

I wouldn't have
thought that you
think about that stuff.

You know, you
being a nun.

M ust be
hard for you.

For a woman to...
give that up.

I think for me,
as a woman... it's
the hardest sacrifice.

I think you're right.

Oh, Zak.
I miss you.

[Soft footsteps]


You all right, boss?

Sorry, I didn't
get much sleep.

I hope he
was won'th it.

There's nothing like
that going on at all.
Zak and I broke up.

Oh great.

It's not, because I just
told you my six-year
relationship has ended.

So, it's not great.

No, it's not great
for you, and it's
not great for him, but...

but for other
available men

it's great.

Well, uh,

it's really hot in here.

U h,

um, what, um...

[moans and groans]



U m,

Women have needs, Brian,

and I need
these needs to be

tended to.

Bloody hell,
that's fantastic.

I'll knead your
needs any
time, love.

Oh yeah.


What about the
weekend of the 25th,

which happens
to be tomorrow?


We could do the
morning, or I could
slip you in after lunch.

Oh, slip
me in...

No pressure.

It's a bit formal.
Want me to sign
a contract?

Actually, do you
want to do that? No?

I'll get back to you.



Okay, so the nuns are
a little pissy.
So what?

Pissy? J ust don't
get it, do you?

You've ruined everything.
Without the nuns, we
have nothing. Okay?

Without me, you have
nothing, Zak Solomon.
So I suggest

if you want my
daddy funding this
silly documentary

you start being
nicer to me.
A lot nicer.

Well, frankly, my dear,
I don't give a fuck
anymore, okay?!


I'd like
a ticket to
London, please.

H i, I need to be
on the next flight
to London, please.

Thank you.

The last ticket
has just gone.


Please, I need to be
on that flight.

Well, maybe
you could
ask the lady.

I'd rather cover
my balls in honey

and stick them
in an ants' nest.

I'm very sorry, sir,
there's nothing more
I can do for you.

Okay, where's the
next flight from?


Okay. The Dublin
flight is full.


I'm just checking
Belfast for you.


Yes. No.
That's full, too.

There must be
something you
can do.

You thought
about the ferry?

H i. I need to get
to Oork for the ferry.

Oan you get me there
in three hours?

You must
be joking.

No? ...Okay.

How about now?



I did it in
four hours once.

(male announcer)
Boarding for the Pembroke
ferry is now closing.

Excuse me.


Alright, look,

"After insemination,
keep legs raised for
15 minutes. " Oh.

"Sperm must be used
before it separates
and gets cold."

Yuk. That's disgusting.

All right,
moving on.
Look, look.

Here's a list
of loads and loads
of potential daddies.

4-50 looks good. He's German,
Scottish and Italian.
That's nice.

No, no. Your baby
will then work

really hard at making
loads of teeny-weeny
little pizzas.

Look, what about
there, number four.
That one.

Look at him. English
and H ungarian. There
we go.

You could pretend it's
Zak's, and then I can
sue him for maintenance.

Shouldrt have
to pretend, he
should be here.

J ust call me 'one egg'.


No boyfriend,
one egg.

No, but, darling,

Happy. We're going
to be happy now.

Happy one egg.

Look, was that
a smile?

There we go,
there's a smile.
I like that.

Oome here.

I wish I could
see their faces.

Evening, ladies.
Having fun?

[Fake accent]
M m, Ignita sad.

She not
want to go back
to Stockholm.

Away you go.
Enjoy yourselves.

[Dance music]

I can see
that girl's arse.

I can actually
see her arse.

She'll catch pneumonia.

Look, darling, do
you see what I see?

Yeah, and
the rest!

Think there's
room for a brain?


But the thing about
slappers is that they
consider sex their job

and condoms are like their
uniform, so they just
buckle up.

That sort of defeats
the purpose.

Well, tell him
that you're
a virgin.

I'm 30 bloody
4 tomorrow.

Yes, but
you're I rish.

I'm half I rish.
And tonight
I'm Swedish.

Well, new plan.
You're I rish again.

I don't really think
they have virgins
in Sweden.

Now go. Go
get him, darling.


[Ripping and groans]

Oiao, bella. Where
hid you all
my lives?


Room 8-42, please.

You come party
with us?

No, thank you, sir.

I'm sure madam
will see to all
your needs.


Hope they're
not next
to us.


[Squeals and giggles]

Mamma mia.

Ha! Bellisima!

Zak, I'll never
forgive you.

So, princess,
you miss I reland?

No, but I was
the runner-up
for M iss Jamaica.

U p your bottom.

Not on a first date.

Luca, you're
a very handsome man.

Yeah... me, too.

U m, I want you
to be my first.

Yeah. Madonna!

Madonna, but not
the singer. Like...

Oh my God!

Oh shit!

I have to go to
the bathroom. Be
back in a minute.

Don't move a muscle.

Yeah, Oolin?
I'll be outside in
two minutes, mate.

No, nothing much.
J ust a card, and
some cash.

No, I don't think
I'll bother...

She's a bit soft
in the head.

Luca, please be
gentle with me.






(Clem, sleepy)

Olem, it's me.
Let's do it.

Right. Is it the pizza
man or M r Goulash?

I don't want sperm,
I want a baby.

And J ustin on hand
for the task.

I need more
than one egg.

If we even get
to Day Four,

you need to seriously
consider replacing
your entire wardrobe.



Excuse me, I'm looking
for a turkey baster.

You're well-organized,
girls. Oome in handy
for Ohristmas there.

Coming in handy will
be no use to us,

you see, my friend, she
went on the I nternet
and she ordered...

No, no.

You don't want to waste
your money on one
of those.

Have one of these.
I know. She's a beauty.

And she'll always
double up as a spoon.

That's lovely.
It's a top of
the range spoon.

Bit of a squeeze.
What I need is
a turkey baster.

Yeah, the one with
the huge squishy balls

and the long
plastic thingy.

Something really...
big and, like, hard.

Do you think one day I'm
gonna meet a turkey
baster of my own?

I think it's talking to me.
Hello. And what
do you do?

He bastes turkeys.
That's really fascinating.

Darling, I'm being
an insensitive
cow, I'm sorry.

I want Zak.
I only
want Zak.

You can't speak
about other men in
front of M r Turkey Baster.

I just never thought
it would come to this.

The potential father of
my child is a sodding
kitchen utensil.

Stop it.
Stop it.
Oome on.

[Ferry horn]

Excuse me,
I'm sorry!

H i. How you doing?
I need to to get
to London.

London, is it?


That's an hundred
pound each way.

Do you take credit cards?
No? Visa, Mastercard,
American Express?

There's an 'hole in
the wall' up
the road.

Right. Don't
go anywhere.


Morning, boss.

Good morning, Brian.

It's a bit of a mess.

Which bathroom?

U p the stairs. It's
only because people
were using the lav

that we found out
there was a problem.

Yuk. Oart believe people
use the toilet in
a show home.

Yep as funny
as folk. Let's
check upstairs.

Anyway, it just
means that
this unit

will be out
of order for
a bit.

That can't
be helped.

H m.

I wonder if it's
only the toilets
that they use.

Well, you
never know.

I, um...
I phoned you.

Last night. I left a
message about our
date today.


We hadrt confirmed
times or what, but...

So, boss, here we
are... How about it?

Oh... we couldn't.
I mean, what if
someone came in?

There's only
two sets of keys

and I've got one and
you've got the other.

So why don't you...

get yourself comfy...
and I'll go and
lock up.

Here we go,
here we go,
here we go

Oome on! Oome on!

Brian, I just
wanna say...

Oome here.

Right, you ready
for this?

Yeah... I just wanna

Yeah, go, go.
I'll be in here.

I'll tell you
what, love,

I've been thinking about
this for absolutely ages.


Wait and see what
I've got for you.

It's an absolute belter.

Hey, I've not
had any complaints...
I'm not gonna start now.

Hey, don't worry
about precautions.

I had a bad case
of mumps last year,
so I'm infertile.


It's fine.
I had kids early.

I've got a ten year
old and an eight year
old with my first wife.

It comes in handy,
now I'm back on
the market.

Mind you, it was
a nasty business.

My bollocks swelled
to the size of
a watermelon.

They took on
a life of
their own.

I had to sit on
a special cushion.

Anyway... you
nearly ready?

I've just
got to go to
the bathroom.

That one is broken,
so I'm going to
run downstairs.

Hey, no problemo.

Oome on, lad!

[Workmen whistle and shout]

"After insemination,
keep legs raised
for 20 minutes."


M iss Salt?


Your, um... Sign
here, please.

Don't forget,
keep it warm, and use
it before it separates.


Oh, shit, it's
too big.

Right, little ones,
I want you to swim,
swim, swim.

(M um)

M um!

Happy birthday, dear.
I wanted to surprise you.

Oh dear,
the icing
is not dry.

I'll just pop it
in the fridge.

Or should we have
a piece now?

Oh, no, no.

It's so lovely,
I just want to
save it

to show it to
J ustin and Olem.

Oh, J ustin. He's a
nice boy, isn't he?

Yes, he's nice.

God... no-one said
it would be easy

but I for one
never thought that
it would come to this.

H m. Nor
me, l...

Oh, darling.

If I had the necessary
machinery, I'd step
in and I'd do it.

No, I haven't got it.
So I can't do it.

Right, no,
of course.

And I want you
to remember that...

"It is a far greater
thing that..."

you do today... than...

Done, are you?

I don't know what
it is but...

Anyway, listen.
The thing is,

you're standing in
'the last chance saloon. '

You fuck this up...

and you fuck
up her life.


Anyway, darling...
have fun.




[Both chuckle nervously]

Thank you so much
for doing this.

Hello. We've booked
a room for Jones.

M r. And M rs.
A suite, please.

Taxi! Taxi!


Homeless git!

Yeah, you too, mate.


[Chuckles nervously]

Look, I know it's
awkward, but I want
you to know,

I'm really grateful.



J ust breathing.
Feeling good.

J ust a child,
just the rest
of your life.

It's nothing,
it's fine.
Breathe in.


J ust feeling good.

[Breathes, chuckles nervously]

Come on.
Come on!

Come on.
U p you get.

How's it going?

Not very
well. U h...

Anything I can do?

I don't know, uh,

Well, you could...

I don't know,
you could...

you could pretend
to be Brian.

(deep voice)
I'm Brian. Sex god
of Salt Oonstruction.

I'm wearing tight jeans,
and sweat is dripping off
my big bulging muscles.

I've got a huge belter
waiting for you, and I
want to grab your arse.

[Cell phone rings]

That was great.

Yes! Yes!

Oh my God! Oh yes!
Yes! Oh my God!

Georgie, you're not
gonna believe it.
It's amazing!

George M ichael has
just called me,
and he said that

he wants me to
do his costumes
for his next tour.


Yes! And I have
to go now. He wants me
to go to a fitting now.

I want it. I want
that spunk. So you
get back in there.


I can't do it.

It's a huge responsibility.

I can't have a baby
with you because
Olem ordered me to.

I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.

You can't pull out
now. I forbid you.

We'll go down to the bar,
and I will find
you a man.

No way. I'm sick of
looking at every man
like he's a dick on legs.

I have one
day left, and
you promised!

You're my best friend!

No, I'm not gonna
get my pants off.

You're not taking
off my trousers.

I am not having
sex with you!

I'm walking out
of this room. Ow!

You deserve a whipping!
I'm going to give
it to you!

(J ustin)
Stop it! Stop it!
Help! Help me!

Oan you come
back later?

Come along.

What I do in the privacy
of my own room...! We
were wrestling!

Hang on, it was role
playing. You're gonna
hear from me.


We're two
consenting adults
and he was up for it!

Thank you, madam.

And... good night!

Good night.

Taxi. Taxi!


Please! ...Yes!

I said, "I'll not go near
that thing. You're crazy. "


You alright?


What's wrong?

I had a dream
of my life.

I would marry Zak
and we would have

a few children
and a lovely home.

I'm sure that's what
Zak wants, too.
Deep down.

I know about Alexandra.

The daddy's girl?

Mouth with more
teeth than a shark?

I know all about
their affair.
It's okay.

No, he thinks she's
a complete pain
in the arse.

Well, even if he
wasrt with her, I can't
force him to be with me.

I miss him so much.

Georgina, it's
all right.

[Keys turning]

Hey, Zak!

What's going on?

Zak! I'm so glad
you're back!
Thank God.

Zak, it's not
what you think.

Not what I think?


You can't keep
your hands off her!

It's taken half my
life to get here!

Georgina was
very upset.

No, no, no.
This is upset.
You absolute arse!

Wait! Stop! Stop!


[Angry shouting]

[Groan and gasp]

Oh my God.
I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.
Wait, Zak!

Zak! Zak!

You've reached Zak
Solomors voicemail.
Please leave a message.

I have something
important to tell
you. Please call me.

I need to see you
tonight, before
it's too late.

Maybe God has
other plans for me.

All right, uhh...

Would you like
some vodka?


What about
some beer
or whiskey?


No? All right, I know,
what about echinacea,

with sort of ginger?
Do you like that?

All right, I'll
have a weak one.



Oh, I'll be
right back.

Oh. Hello.

What do you want?

I had a wee spot of
bother with Georgina
and Zak. Have you...

Hey, Georgina!
Did you find Zak?

Are you all right?
I felt bad.

I tried
calling him.

I'm sorry
I ran out.

[Doorbell rings]

Olem, hi.


I need to find
out what's going on
between Georgina and Ben.

You're all right?

I'm absolutely fine.

Or maybe I
should just
see for myself.

I don't
believe this.

You're getting
this all wrong.

Oh really?!

Ow! That
really hurt!

Right... get down!


Do as you're told!
How many times...?

Oh, great,
I'm bleeding.


I've been telling you,
I don't fancy Georgina.

She's all right,
but... she's no
Clem, is she?



Well, you're just so...


What I mean is
you're really...

Do you like me?

Well, yeah.


Is that okay?

That's fine,
good, thank you.

Stop looking.

Excuse me.


So now that we've
established that

I'm not
the hot property
that you think I am

what do
you want?

Then you can go
crawling back
to Alexandra.



You are joking,
aren't you?

Okay, you're not.
Sure, she's beautiful,

but that's not what I
look for in a person,
George, you know that.

What I mean is
that you are way
past beautiful.

You're not past
it, obviously.

I mean, you're beautiful,
but you're so much
more than that.

Oh shit, um...

Georgie... I
love you, okay?

I've never stopped
loving you. Not
for a second.

Life without you
doesn't make
any sense.

Georgie, please,
can we just,
can we...

Look... I want
what you want.

And not because
you want me to want it
but because I want it too.

Does that make sense?

Well, unfortunately
for me, it's too
bloody late.

I've become your
ideal woman, but I
can't have children.


What do you mean?

Ask them,
they'll tell you.

I wanna ask you.

Leave me alone.


They've explained everything.
I'm so sorry.

I really
meant what I said.
Let's still try.

Okay? I love you.


Oan I come
in, boss?

Brian, come
in. Hi.

About the
other day, uh...

Look, don't say
another word.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

It was
my bollocks,
werert it?

Not exactly. It...

Look... I know.

Sometimes the sheer size of
my down belows scares
people off.

That was
before the mumps.


Yeah, well.

Thank you for
this lovely chat.

Maybe we could just
put it behind us?

Yeah, no problemo.
It'll just be our
little secret.

Thank you, Brian.

And all the lads
who saw you
running off.

It'll be their
little secret as
well. Okay.

[Soft knocking]

Oome in!

H i.

(male jogger)


(second male jogger)



(3rd male jogger)

H i.

Miss Salt.
This is Linda,

at the Park
Mews Clinic.

As you requested,
we've rechecked
your positive urine test.

And the result of
your blood test shows

that you are
100% pregnant!


[Chatter and music]

Zachariah, darling.

Lovely party.

She's so sweet,
how she's sleeping.

Show me again.

It's just gorgeous.

Don't worry,
it'll be fine.

I want to
give you your
real present.

M m. My
real present.

Oome and get it.
You have to look
for it

Okay, do you wanna
give me a clue?



Very, very hot.



um, uh,

God! Wow, it's...


H ip hip... Hooray!
H ip hip... Hooray!
H ip hip... Hooray!

Oh, come here!

[Sighs and groans]

I love you.

I love you too.

Special thanks to SergeiK.