Reno 911: Miami Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Reno 911: Miami script is here for all you fans of the movie spinoff of the Comedy Central series. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Reno 911: Miami quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Reno 911: Miami Script

Get the truck in!

Damn it!
I said pull your men back.

I don't want any more casualties.

Get that news crew
behind the line!

- Sir!
- I got men down. I got rumors flying.

What the hell's
going on down here?

We tried the urban assault tank.
SWAT tried the roof.

The guys in there are pros,
and, sir?

- They say they've got a nuke.
- Jesus!

And I'm up for re-election.
What are we gonna do?

Don't worry. We've called in
some pros of our own.

Who the hell are those people?

- Sheriff's department.
- The Reno Sheriff's Department-

the finest team of
law enforcement officers ever assembled.

But where the hell's
your commanding officer?

Ow. Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

All right, talk to me, people.
What do we got?

Thirty-five civilians on the 40th floor.

Twenty-two Chechnyan separatists,
heavily armed.

They say they got a nuke, and I don't
think they're just whistling "Dixie."

All right, people,
here's how this is gonna go down.

Jones, Garcia,
head into the sewer system...

breach the perimeter of that building
and get that nuke...

- before they flambé half of Washoe County.
- You got it, sir.

Kimball, Johnson,
take up sniper positions, so and so.

- Got it.
- Junior, I want you to shave Miss Acapulco...

- and shave her good.
- All over it, sir!

Wait, hold on, man. How comeJunior
gets to shave Miss Acapulco...

and I got to go down
in the sewers?

Why does he have to shave anybody?

Oh, wow.
I just had the weirdest dream.

You know you're driving, right?

Nobody in it.

Is somebody gonna get that?

Damn it!

My favorite thing
about being a cop-

I love it when that perp
get all scared of you.

You draw down on 'em.
They get all scared.

"Oh, she about to kill me.
Don't kill me. Don't kill me."

I love that.

I became a cop because...

my doctors thought it
would be a good idea...

for me to get out of the house.

I feel like I bring a real, uh,
joie de vivre to law enforcement.

For example, my uniform, uh-

I don't wear the regulation uniform. L-

I wear these, uh, shorts.

And I actually had to lobby the sheriff's
department to get to wear these.

Uh, but my argument was,
hey, I'm out there on the streets.

I gotta be able to move
like a cheetah, you know.

A law enforcement cheetah.

Let's go! Let's go!
Let's move! Move! Move!

We got ourselves a 8-14-
armed person on a roof.

I'll tell you right now,
this is it. This is go time.

This is what working for the Reno
Sheriff's Department is all about.

Let's do it, people. Move!

- We got a situation here, Dangle.
- We got a chicken.

- What?
- Chicken situation.

- That's not an 8-14!
- We got it-We got it wrong.

- Who called in the 8-14?
- I did.

- Just chase him into the jacket,
and I'll carry him. - What's an 8-14?

- Armed person on a roof.
- Well-

- I thought a 8-14 was arson.
- No, armed person on a roof.

- No, no, no, no.
- Okay, okay, okay.

Stop, chicken! Stop!

- Ah, shit!
- Look out!

I got it. I got him.

- Oh, shit.
- Whoa!

Get it! Get it! Get it! Get it! Get it!


- No, no!
- I'm just knocking him out, that's all.

- Maybe he'll hold still. We can beat him to death.
- Ready?

Ow! Shit! Whoa!

Can we all shoot
at the same time?

You point and you shoot.

- Let's shoot at the same time?
- Shoot at the same time.

Okay. That's the only thing that
sort of makes sense.

- One.
- No, I got Dangle's gun. Mine's out too.

- Is yours out? - Two-And then that
way, we- we'll never know who did it.

Don't start a count
and then stop.

- Oh, sorry.
- Yeah, it's like a execution. Nice.


- Sorry. My bad.
- What the fuck?

One, two-

- What? I didn't know-
- Okay, on-

- Okay, on-
- Ah!

- What? - I'm
out. - Am I out?

Oh, I wasn't out. Sorry.
I thought I was out!

- They fit that little midget guy.
- Aw, he's shittin'.

- Should I call the newspaper and have 'em come take our picture?
- No!

You do one on both legs.

I have applied, uh...

nine times...

to the Aspen Sheriff's Department.

Um, I'll tell you this in-
in, uh, the utmost secrecy.

L- I just don't think I can
do it in this town anymore.

You know, Reno's really a lot
like Mayberry on the TV...

except that everybody's on crystal meth
and prostitution's legal.

Fuck you!

- Ah, morning, gang.
- Morning.

So, the trustees were
up in the ducts all weekend...

and there should not be...
too many more squirrels up in there.

So that sound that we were all hearing
should, uh- should be gone.

- I hear it.
- No.

- I knew they didn't get all of'em.
- Want me to get it, Jim?

No more shooting in here.
Have we not been over that?

- Yes. No, we have.
- We don't shoot in here ever, right?

When do we shoot?
When is it okay to shoot in the building?


- Hey!
- Hmm?

Guess what, guys?
We... have... been invited...

to the American Police
Convention in Miami Beach!

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Is this a joke?
- What?

- Three days of fun in the sun.
- Why did they invite us?

They invited us this year...

they invited everybody.

- I'll take it.
- So they had to invite us by default. Yes!

Group hugs. Group hugs.

- I'm gonna pass out.
- We get to stay in a hotel and everything?

- Yeah.
- We do get to fly first class, right?

Come on.

Flyin'in style!

We, um-
We are not flying-

I'm pooping.


- Oh, Christ, I was dreaming.
- Why was your hand on my dick?

I was dreaming that I was driving,
uh, in the Indy 500.

Oh, God! Oh!

- Can we go look at the guns?
- Yes, go look at the guns.

I'm gonna get our passes.
Let's all regroup here in 90 seconds.

Oh, my God.

That's the Aspen Sheriff's Department.

Sheriff Wagner.

- Wrong bar, buddy.
- No, no, s- No, sir. Uh, I apologize.

I'm in my, uh, civilian rig.

- You probably remember me from your-
- Name?

Dangle. Lieutenant, uh, uh, Jim-
uh, James Ron Dangle.

Uh, I sent you my résumé and-and some stats
and a couple of letters of recommendation.

- Yeah.
- And, um, about eight or maybe even nine times actually.

- There were nine.
- Yeah. And you didn't get 'em, I guess.

We got 'em.
Uh, we pass 'em around.

We have a pretty good laugh.

I didn't believe you were real.
Here he is, guys.

This Dangle thing, I swear to gosh-
We thought it was a joke.

- I haven't seen one thing-
- Mm-hmm.

- In your file-
- Sure.

That would indicate...
our want of you.

So, thanks.
No, thanks.

- I'd love to change your mind on that.
- No, thanks.

Just want to press the- Okay.

Hi. Yeah, could you step away
from the helicopter, please?

Yeah, ma'am, I was just
explaining how I used to fly these...

- during the Marine Corps back in '82, '85.
- Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Is there someone above you?
You, can I talk to you?

- There's, um- Is there yelling?
- Who are you?

Hi, I'm, uh, Deputy Assistant
MayorJeff Spoder.

- And you're- - Hi. LieutenantJim
Dangle, Reno Sheriff's Department.

- Lieutenant Jim Dangle, Reno Sheriff's Department.
- Is his name in the system?

I did it several times.
He is not in the system.

- Trudy did the reservations, right?
- I will do it again.

- You did a name and city search?
- Or not.

- There's no Reno.
- There is a Reno.

- I am aware that there's a Reno.
- We have an airport.

- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
- Get him!

- Here we go.
- Go and do it, Trudy.

What the fuck?

- I don't like yelling, okay?
- If you won't give us our laminates...

- can we have at least, please, our hotel room keys?
- We ain't got no place to stay.

- We've been on a bus for days.
- There's no-

- You're not in there for hotel rooms. Sorry.
- Hotel room keys...

are with the registration packets,
the brochures and the laminates.

And give us all of those
right now, please.

You can't have them because
you're not in my system.

- What are we gonna do?
- You know what?

I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
We don't need these guys.

- No, we don't.
- No. - Fuck 'em.

- We have each other.
- Well, that wasn't-

- That's not-That's not better.
- No, what I meant is...

we'll go someplace even nicer-
That's what we'll do.


- Hi.
- Hello.

- How are you?
- Hello. Good.

How are you?
Welcome to International Inn.

How many of them are you
for my rooms?

Uh, there's eight of us
for your rooms.

Eight. How- How many
rooms do you need? One?

- Uh, we would prefer eight.
- Eight.

Let's go see the entire hotel,
shall we?

- I'll take you on a quick tour.
- Well-

Then you can all get back
to your suck fest.

Uh, A: We're not here for a suck fest,
we're here for the convention.

- There's been a little mix-up, which
is why- - Okay, I like convention "toos."

- Okay.
- Look at me. I'm in a convention.

A fucking suck fest convention
here at International Inn.

Hey, assholes. More assholes
for your big suck fest tonight.

How's the suck fest going, assholes?

You know the suck fest in here?

- How many rooms do you have, Glen?
- I have-

- I have- uh, six rooms.
- Just give us what you have.

- Can we have the keys to those?
- You can have keys to six rooms.

- Okay, gang, and we'll-
- This matches. Grab that one there.

- That's it.
- No, hey. Hey. Hey.

What are you doin'?

This motel is like-

It's like the kind of place you'd come to
if you wanted to get...

a good old-fashioned rapin'...

or a down-home murder.

Okay, gang,
I know we didn't get in.

- Yeah.
- I know we're not stayin' at the nicest place in town.

But goddamn it,
we're in Miami, people.

- We're in "Mee-ami."
- It's true.

This city's got hot
Latin flavor up to its nuts.

Goddamn it. Let's go paint this town red.
Let's do it, huh?

- Hey, bitch, you shut
that kid up, okay?

Thanks for drivin', man.

No problem.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Take the night off, Joe.

Need some assistance there, ma'am?

- Hey, Clemmy.
- Jimbo.

How ya doin'?

I'm so tired. I just feel like we've been
here for years and years and years already.

Oh. Well.

- Let's go take-
- I need to get some smokes.

Oh, okay.
All right. Okay.

Good night.


Hey, bro, check it out.
Candy underpants.

It's a goof. Just a goof.

Hey, Jim.

You want to be a doll
and help me lube up my sunburn?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Stop right there
and take it all in.

I got some liquor.
I got some ice.

- I'm not feelin' well, baby.
- Come here. Come here.

- Come here.
- No, Ray-Ray, I'm- I'm-

I'm coming down with something.


Ooh, that pisses me off.
That pisses me off.

- Hey, Ray.
- Shut up.

- Oh! Oh, hey, I'm sorry.
- Stop pushing up on me.

I don't appreciate you insinuating
all the time that I am some lesbian.

- I'm sorry.
- Thank you for apologizing.

This is, uh-This is Trill.
This is my friend, Sugar.

We're gonna go play
a little ball, aren't we?

We'll see you later.

Come on, ladies.


- What's up, girl?
- Mr. Jones, huh?

- Yeah. Yes.
- Mr. Jones.

Why don't you come
give me some sugar?

- Speaking of bushes-
- Whoa!

I don't know
where there's one there.

Get one of these, uh-
Get one of them.

- Huh? Get in a bush and-
- No, l- I'm-

I don't know about that.


I'm so sick.

Come on. Come on!

Oh, my God!
Oh! Oh!

It ain't what it looks like!
It ain't what it looks like!

Be gentle. Geez!

Oh, my God-

- Hey, Jonesy!
- Oh-

Man Speaking Spanish]

Open up. I don't have
a key to this door.

It's open.

- Oh, my God. Are you okay?
- Oh!

I'm in love.

- Congratulations.
- Um, you have a- a bandage on your teat.

For real. Like for real.

- A love bandage.
- No, like a Ace bandage.

- Yeah, an Ace bandage on your-
- On your boob.

Oh, my Go- If I have been stabbed,
I am gonna be so pissed!

- Stop the room. Stop the room from moving, please.
- Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. Hold on. You have something
on your boob for real. No joke.

That's him!

- Oh! That's him.
- Huh?

- That's him.
- Who?

This is the man that's been making sweet,
dirty love to me all night long.

Kinda looks like Richard Petty,
the NASCAR guy.

- Yeah. You've been making love with Richard Petty?
- I don't know!

I love him.

I have to find who this is.

- Well, no, we gotta go-
- I have to find who this is.

No, we gotta go back
to the convention center, guys.

No, you have to go buy me
some cranberry juice...

'cause it's gonna be one
of those days, I'll tell you.

- Oh, no. Yeast infection time.
- I'll tell you.

- I'm gonna break this
down for you one time.

- This looks bad.
- We have a bioterrorism attack here.

- Holy fuck.
- They were infected with a toxin to which we have no antidote.

It is not identified. Do we have
any government officials here...

- from Miami-
- I'm the assistant, uh, deputy mayor.

Jeff Spoder.

Right. What we need is someone who is
high-ranking in the Miami Beach government.

They're all-
Everyone above me, um, is-

is stuck in the convention center
right now.

You quarantined them in there,
so I'm the acting, uh-

I'm actually-
I'm acting mayor right now.

All right, this is
Acting MayorJeff Spoder.

If you need any office supplies,
get some copies made...

a stapler,
it's this guy.

L- I'd like to coordinate with your, um,
team to a-assess and handle the-

I'd love to know where you are
at all times so I can avoid you.

That would be helpful. Now-

We have an infectious
contamination in this building.

We have quarantined it. We have plus
or minus 2,000 law enforcement officers...

from all over this great
United States of America in there.

- 2,130.
- Do we have any police officers at all...

outside the confines of this building?

Step up.
Highest ranking officer.


Jesus Christ.
You're in charge?

Sir, yes, sir. Wh-What are-
What are ya-What's going on?

All right, right now we got the entire
Miami Beach police force in there.

- Check.
- That means that these streets right now are unpatrolled.

I need every one of you out there...

answering 911 calls,
patrolling the streets.

Department of Homeland Security
is gonna be maintaining the perimeter.

There is no police force of
any kind outside the building?

How the hell have you
not picked this up yet?

- Go out there, patrol the streets.
- Right.

You're the only thing standing
between complete chaos and order.

We're on it!

The Reno Sheriff's Department
at your service, sir!

- Where's the, uh-
- Can we have a map?

- Where's the police station?
- Where are we supposed to go?

It's all right.
It's all right. I'm here.

- Rogers?
- That's me.

Holy shit!

Rick Smith, SWAT.

They call me "The Condor."

I'm sorry I'm late to the barbecue.
I was on a mission when I got the call.

Let me ask you a question, people.

What's the difference
between bravery and courage?

- Oh, I know. Bravery is something that you do.
- Shh. Shh.

Cour- Sorry.

Bravery is when
you do something dangerous...

and you're not even scared.

Courage is when you're
smart enough to know...

you should be scared,
but you do it anyway.


You will not fail.

I will not allow you to fail.

Under my watch,
I will not allow you to fail.

As God as my witness,
we will not fail.

Are you with me?


- Are you with me?
- Is that-

It's okay. I know what I'm doing.
I know the thing is out of the thing.

This can come out.
This stays like this.

- Okay.
- Are you with me?

- Yes!
- Are you with me?

- Yes! - How- Okay, the thing.
Okay that came out now for real.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

No, it's okay. I got 10 seconds
with these sons of bitches.

- I got 'em.
- Wait a second.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, man!
That's how blood splatters.

Um, so does that mean
we're back in charge?


I scheduled a big Friday meeting.



Sheriff's department.

Hello- Hello?

- Sheriff's department.
- Sheriff's department.

- Sheriff's department.
- Sheriff's department.

Sheriff's department.

911. Uh, yes, sir, what is
the nature of your emergency?

Okay, where are you?

No, in relationship to where I am.

I just have to check a map. I am s-
Hold on. Hold on. Can you hold, please?

- Hello, sheriff's department. - All
right, uh, I can't- I don't have a pen.

Uh, I don't have- I don't-

Okay, people!
Let's roll!

- Dear Lord.
- My, oh, my.

My ride is greater than your ride.

Hey, everybody. Everybody-

- Let's be careful out there, okay?
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

- Oh. - Oh.
- Oh, shit.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm all right.

- I'm fine.
- Go ahead. Go ahead.

Supposed to be-

We could've hit 11 th and Ocean,
like, five minutes ago.

Wait a second.
Are we on a street?

I think we're in a-
We're in a café.

- I think we're in a café.
- We're in a café.


Sheriff's department.

Nothin' to see here.

It took us 40 minutes to get out.

If you would've turned
right on María Buena-

- You didn't tell me to.
- I did tell you to.

- No, you didn't.
- Don't tell me what I didn't tell you.

- Sheriff's department!
- "El departmento de sheriff."

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Oh, hell. Shit, no.
- Oh!

- That's a North American alligator, man.
- Ah, shit. Okay, what do we do?

Uh- Hell, let's just-

- Yeah, we should just go.
- Let's just go.

Just let nature take its course.

Hello! There y'all are.
You trespassin;

- Sir.
- You little sneaky trespassers.

- Get back in- No!
- Sir.

- Sir, please. Please get back in your yard.
- How are we doin'? Hi.

- We got a situation here, sir.
- Yeah, we got a situation.

- Couple blueberries comin' in and makin' a fruit salad, huh?
- Sir, please!

- Sir. Sir.
- No. No! Hey!

- We can't allow you to go in the pool, sir.
- Why not?

That gator won't bite.
You scared of this pretty little thing?

- I don't know, sir.
- You scared of this pretty little thing?

He's a gator. Where you from?
Where you from, you don't know gator?

We're from Reno. We're not from here.

- Oh, shit.
- Hey, look. Look here.

Rule number one for gator-
you gotta respect it.

- You don't respect a gator, gator not respect you.
- Don't touch it!

- Stop!
- They got peripheral eye vision on the side.

I'm gonna come at him
like another predator.

Not a prey,
I come at him like a predator.

- Stop that. T.J., pleasejust stop all of this.
- Now look at this.

Now watch this.
Watch this. Watch this.

- No.
- Oh, okay.

Don't even refle-
'Cause he respect me.

One, two, three, four, five,
and then it split to a double.

That mean this gator 50 year old.
He been attacked before.

He know how to approach.
Now watch this. Watch this.

- No! No!
- Watch for it.

- Come on now!
- I'm his daddy!

Come on. Get out. No.

- Okay. No.
- Look at that. That gator don't bite. He don't do nothin;

Well, that gator dead.

Yeah, this gator's dead.


This is the life.
I am so gla-

How did we luck out,
and all those other turkeys...

are dealing with that bio-attack?

I don't know.
And guess what?

I don't care.
'Cause I'm shaking my shoulders.

- I'm shaking my shoulders.
- Me neither. I don't care.

- Check it out.
- Don't hate, ladies.

- Don't hate.
- Don't hate on me.

- Don't hate on me. No, she didn't.
- Stop it.

- Yeah.
- Let me get your vernacular straightened out...

'cause I don't want you embarrassing me
in case we meet some people.

Okay, so if somebody comes up
to you and they say...

"Hey, Officer,"
what you gonna say back?

- Give it to me.
- No- No, you didn't, bitch!

- So if somebody says, "Hey,
how you doin'?" - Mm-hmm.

You just go, "What up, yo?" Got it?

What up, yo, player?

See, you keep putting extras on it.
That's-You don't follow instructions.

- You just supposed to say exactly what I told you to say.
- All right, try it again.

- Hey, how you doin'?
- Shut up, nigga.

I did it again.
Ow! Jesus Christ, Ray.

- I'm hungry.
- I'm afraid I did a terrible thing.

- What?
- Well, I had to pee...

so instead of doing
the whole bathing suit off...

I did the- the pull over
and out the side.

Oh, yeah, where you
pull it to the side.

And I think I dribbled a little bit.

¿Coma mi amigo bailar
en el discotheque-o?

I don't speak Spanish.

Hey! What the hell? Hey!

Shit! Ow!

How ya doin', guys? Eh?

- Uh-
- Who is your little friend?

- We don't know him, sir.
- Uh, we don't know that guy.

Oh, you don't know who this is?

No, sir.

You believe these guys?

Oh! Oh!

- I get really sick and tired-
- I don't know you or anybody else-

Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- We don't know him.
- We don't know him.

I'm not a cop. I'm just-
I'm here on vacation, man.

- How'd you know Mr. Big?
- We don't know Mr. Big.

- What is your connection to Mr. Big?
- We don't know Mr. Big!

- Why are you investigating me?
- We're not- Huh?

Look, you guys are smart guys, right?

- Yeah.
- I know this.

- No. No. We're not.
- All the other cops are imprisoned in that building.

But you manage to walk the streets.
I don't know how you escaped it.

We didn't-We couldn't get
our passes, sir.

You're very smart.

Huh? Huh?
Get my message?

Oh! Oh! Man!

- Ow! Goddamn!
- Turn it off.

Sick fuck! Who brings
a weed whacker on a boat?

You forget you ever see me.

Sheriff's department.

I got this tattoo the other day, um...

and I don't know where I got it,
so I'm wondering if I got it here.

Why don't you, uh, come back here.
Come take a look at it.

Mmm, yeah.

Okay, so, the tattoo's
on the left, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- So, I don't know why we're-

Well, you know, it's- it's as much
about where it's not, as where it is.

Get a sense here, if I can-

- If I just-
- That's some beautiful work.

Thank you. I'm hoping
you guys can tell me whose it is...

because I'm really in pain here.

Hey! What the fuck?

- Oh. I was- - Our fucking
toilets need snakin' back there.

- I don't pay you to play
grab-ass with the clients. - I was-

She came in and l-
You weren't around, so I was just-

- Snake the fucking toilets.
- Got it.

- See you later, Breen.
- Fucking plumbers, man.

- Can I help you?
- What's up?

So, we got a call that there was some
lewd behavior going on on the boardwalk.

Possible prostitution.

Holy shit. Is that Terry?

That's Terry.
That's one of our locals from Reno.

- Terry!
- What?

- Hi!
- What the hell?

- What you doin' in Miami?
- What's goin' on?

Look at your hair.
That's fun.

- Terry, what are you doin' here?
- What do you mean?

I just flew in on my jet.

Terry, what are you-
Did you follow us to Miami?

- Did you know we were coming down here?
- No, I live here.

It's where my house is.
I have 17 houses.

- This is where one of'em is.
- Terry.

What did I do?

What-That's what we want to know.
What did you do?

We got a call about lewd
behavior on the boardwalk...

and you the only thing I see around here
that could qualify... as lewd.

How is this-
I'm not lewd at all.

I don't even know what-
Lube or lewd?

- Terry.
- What?

Why are you here,
and what are you doing?

I just flew in.
I'm recording an album.

It's called...

Terry:: South Bitch:: Live::

Fuck You, Dad.

And it drops in, uh, 2009.

Terry, when you are here,
you are an ambassador for Reno.

Heavy on the "assador."

South "be-otch."

- Knock it off.
- Listen-

- I'm on wheels, yo.
- What are you covered in?

- Ew. Terry.
- What? It's, uh, apple martini and lube.

- Ugh!
- Come on, Terry.

That's not all you on.
What else are you on?

- What else are you on?
- I'm on fucking crack, yo.

The Department of Homeland Security
has supplied us...

with some evidence collected
by themselves and the C.D. C...

from the convention center.

And it is ourjob
to put the pieces together.

Anyone have a theory?

Oh, my God!

- Fuck! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!
- Put it back on!

Aaah! Whoo-hoo!

- Oh, God! Oh!
- Come on. Be thorough, guys.

Oh! Aaah!

- You got some stunning abs. - Oh, thank
you. You know, I do, uh- I work out.

- Really?
- Uh, a good bit.

- Yeah, you yoga or something?
- I do- I do it all. I do yoga-

- You flexible?
- I'm pretty flexible.

The thing is now you want to be sure
when you do it though, to just-

You gotta, uh-
You gotta-

What you don't want to do is get-
You want to get the waist up.


- Oh.
- Excuse me.

Whoo. Sorry about that.

- All the spicy food up in here in Miami.
- Occupational-

Occupational hazard.

Okay, okay, what have we got?

C- C- C-


I noticed.

Boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs.

All right. Yeah.


We gotta clear this beach.
We gotta clear it now. I want good ideas.

Let's go. Boom.
What do we got? Williams.

- You want me to come back to you?
- Come back to me.

- Come back to you. Trudy Wiegel.
- I have an idea, Jim.

- Yeah?
- What about a telephone...

that you can actually smell through?

Uh, whale-related. Whale-related.
Clearing the beach ideas.

- Not in- Not inventions.
- I have nothing.

- Jim, if you think about it-
- Who gave-Who gave topless a gun?

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- Oh, no. No. Get down. Get down.

Okay, people, this is how
we're gonna do it. Ready?

Here is our-What kind of whale
do we think that is?

- Uh, sperm?
- Big one?

- Black whale.
- A narwhal. A narwhal.

- Here's what- Here's what we're gonna do.
- Face the-

We are, per Travis-
per Travis and Trudy both-

- What'd I do?
- What we're gonna do is-

- Stick your butt in the air.
- We are going to-

- You put your feet on it like that and then
I'll help you. - Get a rather large chainsaw-

- Jonesy! Jonesy!
- We are going to make sushi cuts.

- Which is the hand-cut sushi and which
is-when they roll- - Inside out roll.

We're gonna make some crosscuts,
crosscuts, crosscuts.

- L- I like California roll. - Okay, we'll then
roll each individual piece into a channel...

which we dig here to the ocean,
per Travis.

- This is a channel to the ocean.
- We're gonna chainsaw the damn thing?

- Yeah, into little sus- Which one's the
hand-cut rolls? - No one's paying attention.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Let's try and get it. It's only
15, 20 feet. How hard could it be?

In... five, six, seven, eight.


Do it! It's goin'!
She's movin'!

- It's movin'!
- I can feel it!

Five, four, three. Hut!

Go, Jonesy! Go!

- Oh!
- Oh. Oh.

Okay, ready, people, on my count.

One, two, three!

Oh! Oh! Wait!


Get a Wet-Nap, people!

Good God! We got a officer down.
We need a Wet-Nap!

So, when the chips are down
and it's fourth and, uh-

- uh, fourth and, uh-
- Goal.

Goal. Who can you count on?

And... his associates.

Who shall remain nameless.
There's too many of them to name at once.

- Trudy! Give me a "T."
- No, we- they shall remain nameless.

His associates. Anyway, all right,
here we go. You ready, peeps?

- Yeah.
- Let's do it to it.

And- un, deux, trois.


- Go team! Go team! Aaah!
- Ew! Ew! Ew!

Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!

Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!

You blew up a wha-

You blew up a whale on-
on our- our beaches!

There are people
screaming at me now...

because you guys have been
screwing everything up!

You bunch of jerk heads!

P. Diddy's boat
is all covered in whale.

And then Shaq's boat,
a piece of... whale-

- Don't touch me!
- Sorry, I was just-

Now, you people-you have to
start acting like this is a crisis!

And you have to get
your stuff together!

You need to strap it down!

And get it together!

Now, I'm gonna go
and listen on my phone...

to get yelled at some more!

So thanks!

- Sorry.
- Bye, Jeff.

Okay, guys, nojoke.
You heard littleJeff.

We have got to strap it down.

- Okay?
- What does that mean?

I have no idea.
But you- He said it specifically.

I think it means
we've got to do better.

What the fuck, man?

- That's what the siren's for.
- You gotta signal.

- You're supposed to signal!
- Use your signal, fuck head!

Fuckin'deaf, dude.

We are on a highly classified mission...

from Homeland Security delivering
vital materials to Captain Rogers.

E.T.A., 1.5 seconds.

- Whoa. Made it.
- What have we got?

- Coffee, sir.
- Here you go. Nice and hot.

I asked you for coffee. I didn't say
to make a national emergency out of it.

We still haven't found an antidote.

In 24 hours, I'm gonna have over
2,000 dead law enforcement officers.

Not like you.
Real cops.

If you fuck with me
one more time...

I'm gonna fill up a tube sock
with oranges.

I'm gonna beat you till I juice 'em. Then
I'm gonna drink that juice in front of you.

And you're gonna beg me, "Why? Why? Why?"
But I won't answer that question.

'Cause you'll know it
- so you'll get your heads out of your asses!

- Get outta here. Go.
- Now.

Louis, coffee.

- What are we doin'?
- I don't know. We tried to do somethin' right.

Right? We give the guy-
Guy wants coffee.

Aaah! Why?

- Oh, shit!
- Come on, man!

- Dang!
- Goddamn it.

You guys are pretty smart, huh?

- No.
- No, we're not.

No, you keep saying that.
No, we're not. We're not smart.

What? Ricky,
what are you doing?

- Why you take one of my own, huh?
- We don't know this man.

Why you work against me? Why the three
of you and Mr. Big work against me?

No, we don't-
we don't know him.

- I've never seen those men in my life.
- I've never seen him!

- We didn't take him. We don't know him.
- Watch this.

- Why... are you doing this?
- You're gonna light somebody up on your own fuckin' boat?

That's really, really bright.

You came to my daughter's
birthday party!

Bad decision. Guys!

You wore a hat
on her birthday party!

Light this piece of"chit" up.

Don't light this chicken!
Don't light this chicken!

Come on.
Leave him alone.

- I said piece of"chit," not chicken.
- I'll see you on the other side!

Oh, God. Oh, shit.

- Watch the hat.
- Oh, my God!

Oh, my.

Sheriff's department.

I need to know
if you've seen me before...

and if I got this done
at this establishment.

No, ma'am.

- Show me the other side.
- No.

- No, it looks-They're twins.
- You got anything down there?

Actually, I have nothing down there.

- Just like a Barbie.
- Hey, hey, hey.




Ooh! Ooh! Ooh-

We have received a noise complaint...

at the residence of someone
named Suge Knight?

- 4211. Here we go.
- Suge Knight.

This is a house, huh?

Mr. Suge Knight?

- Sheriff's department!
- Sheriff's department!

Mr. Suge Knight!

- Shit.
- Hi. Hi. Hi.

Uh, we're gonna need
to find Mr. Suge Knight.

We're gonna need to get
the music turned down, okay?

Uh, ex-excuse me.
Uh, d-do you know a Mr. Suge Knight?

"Soog" Knight. Suge-

Are you Suge?
Are you Suge?

Are you Jay-Z?
Are you any of'em?

- I don't think so.
- Uh, it's his birthday.

- It's Suge Knight's birthday?
- Suge Knight's birthday.

Hey, when are they doing the
cake for Suge? Does anybody know?

Okay, I am standing right here!

I am using my outside voice,
and I am very angry right now!

I want the music
turned off right now!

I am so serious,
it's not even funny!

The music goes off right now!

And now that
I have your attention...

we have a special message
for the birthday boy...

from Miami's...

number one strip-o-grams.

That's right, birthday boy.

That's right.



No phones.
No 911 calls.

- All right.
- It's a city under control, people.

- Wow.
- Reno S.D.

Reno S.D. All right, okay. Okay.

- It's 0200 hours right now.
- Mm-hmm.

I don't think we're any good to this city
unless we get some rest, okay?

Let's take a-
like a hour and a half.

We'll regroup here at 0330, okay?

Get some rest.
That is an order.

'Cause it's dirty! Yeah!

You need me to hold your drink for you?
It's all right. She's good.

Oh! What!

In this corner, we got
our undefeated champ...

and in this corner, we got some old,
weird uncle of somebody's and shit.

Yo, man, you need to bring it.

Come on.
You scared?

- Ohh!
- Need security.

Hey, there, Jim.

What do you say?

Trudy, don't cry.

- Oh, God, I'm so humiliated.
- Okay. Oh, God.

Trudy. Trudy, please don't cry.

Jim, I was just hoping that
maybe one time...

- you and I could just sort of hold
each other and- - I know. I know.

Trudy, you know I'm playing
for Visitor, okay?

- Mm-hmm. L- I had a hunch.
- You had a hunch?

- Yeah.
- Did you?

Jim, would you just
give me a pity fuck?

I thought that would break.

Okay, here we go.


- What the fuck? What the fuck?
There's someone filming us!

- Ow! Ow! Jim. Ow. Ow.
- What? I know.

- It's caught.
- You're caught on one of my pubes.

- My watch. My watch is caught on your pube.
- Ooh. Jim. Ow!

- Don't yank it.
- Well, that's what we get for tryin'.

Don't jiggle.
Please don't- Ow!

I'm trying to get it. Goddamn it!
If you'd hold still, I'd get it loose.

- You're caught on a pube.
- I said this was a bad idea.

Well, I'm sorry!
This wasn't my idea to begin with.

Meanwhile, my watch is caught
in your pubes. And I'm sorry.

- Okay, let's do it like a Band-Aid.
- Ready?

- Okay.
- One-

Okay, hold on. Hold on.
Now I'm anticipating.

How did the 911 switchboard
come unplugged?

Because we had to unplug it
to plug in the popcorn maker.

Don't yell-
Don't yell back at me.

I'm not- in no mood
for my own tone of voice, okay?

Sorry. Jim, we got
a lot of missed calls here.

- Ooh, you guys.
- What?

There's a domestic dispute on Brad Pitt
and Angelina Jolie's boat.

No, it's not.

Easy. Got it. Easy, easy.
That's an easy one.

Done. Done, done, done.
Let's move.

What the fuck, man?

- Mr. And Mrs. Pitt!
- Sheriff's department!

- Sheriff's department!
- Sheriff's department!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- Okay. Okay, my-
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I am so tired of you Renos.

I'm sorry this is the end
of the road for you.

But you see, I created
this Brangelina trap...

because you are the last thing
standing in my way.

Between what and what?

Between running this town.

Freeze, you fuckin' little monkey!

F.B.I. Nobody move.

Are you kidding me?

F.B.I., you know-
Catch it. Yeah, you said.

Get down. That's it.

- Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Hold me! Hold me!

- That's it. Let's go. You stay right where you are.
- We're not movin'.

Go, you flies in the ointment!

Get him!
Get him!

F.B.I., you broke my heart!

You broke my heart!

Oh, shit.

Hold your fire!

- Hold your fire!
- That's good. I'm out.

- Yeah, me too.
- He is gonna lead us to Mr. Big.

- He has the antidote for the bioattack.
- For the convention center.

- You're undercover F.B.I.
- Just fucking amazing.

- She earned it.
- Yeah, I am. It's amazing.

- You got a little bit-
- Do l-Yeah.

- On both sides.
- Oh, do I? It's all right, 'cause I'm gonna keep doin' it.

This whole goddamn thing is busted wide
open, Jeff. Busted open like a $2.00 piñata.

The F.B.I. Has had a mole
in with this drug jefe for months.

She knows everything. She knows names.
She knows dates. She knows places.

She can connect the drug
jefe to the bioattack.

She can connect the bioattack
to this Mr. Big.

She can connect Mr. Big, the bioattack
and the drug jefe to the antidote.

We get to Mr. Big, all of these cops
are fine. This bird is gonna sing.

- She's gonna sing like a little bird.
- Where-And where is she?

It's a 23-delta-one, sir.
Massive cocaine overdose.

You're fired.

All of you.

Um, hand in your badges.

Out of Miami.

- I'm sorry, Jeff.
- Just don't say you're sorry.

- Okay.
- I'm sorry, Jeff.

Don't- S-
Don't say that you're-

- Our bad.
- I have to apologize.

Don't say anything.

- We suck.
- No, j-

- I am really sorry, you know.
- Don't sa- I s-

- You know. You know how shit goes d-
- No, l-Just go.

- Sorry.
- Go. Go.

I have some regrets. I, uh-

It may seem dumb...

but they had one of
those six-person bicycles.

We never got to ride it.

Yeah, might as well
take this and-

"Miami's only 24-hour tattoo parlor.

"Ron's Discount Tattoo.
No waiting.

Hepatitis free."
Oh, my God! I think this is it.

Sheriff's department.

- Ron, I'm looking for Ron.
- Hello.

- Ron.
- Hello.

- Buddy.
- Yeah?

Do you remember me at all?
Please say yes.

Oh, hey, I don't recognize the face,
but I certainly recognize the cleavage.

How are you, Clem?
We didn't know you was fuzz.

- You remember Paul, right?
- Hiya. Yeah, hi.

- How you doin'?
- Nice to see you.

Please, l- I am in-
I'm in hell here.

- Who is this?
- Oh, that came out real clean.

- That's good work, Ron.
- That is a tight tit tat.

Thanks. Help me out.

- All right. Well-
- Who is it?

Okay, well, you come in with this guy.
He was an older guy.

Looked to me like- I don't know-
he was homeless. Wouldn't you say, Paul?

Yep. Hobo.

And you got his face tattooed
right there on your tit.


- What you're sayin' is I
wandered in here- - Stumbled.

Stumbled in here...
with a vagrant.

More or less. Yeah.

And I...

defaced my chest-

No, you-
y- you faced your chest.

If you want,
we could cover that up.

I could make a unicorn out of that.

I do everything freehand.

We screwed up pretty good.

We letJeff the acting mayor down.

But we're big enough...

to admit when
we made a mistake.

And... we're smart enough to fix it.

We're gonna make it up toJeff.

And how are we gonna
make it up toJeff?

The best way we know how,
that's how.

Ice cream cake!


- Here I come!
- She's coming.

- I'm almost there!
- She's almost here.

All right, who's he-

- Oh! Hello! Look at all of you.
- Hey.

How many?
Trick or treat.

- Yeah, is that what you want?
- Well, no, we came-

- Is Jeff around?
- Yeah. Yeah. He's cleaning his room.

- Oh.
- So disappointed in that boy.

- Yeah, he's- he's-
- Oh, God, it's a mess.

- Yeah. What do you want?
- Well, he's kinda disappointed in us...

so we brought him a ice cream cake.

Oh, my God!
Ice cream cake!

Oh, she loves ice cream.
Oh, my God!

- Chocolate chip?
- No, just vanilla. It's just a vanilla.

All right, come on in.

- Jeff!
- He's, uh, in his room there?

- Careful of your shoes, please.
- Watch out for your shoes.

- Hey, Jeff.
- Maybe this would be cheaper than baby laxative.

Those pennies add up.

Take a bow, Reno cops.

- You- Good job. - Did you set me
up, man? 'Cause if you did, man-

What the hell are you even saying?

How clear could I have made it?
Leave no connection between us.

- I don't leave nothing, man. I see
these guys on the- - Don't leave nothin'.

Then we don't have to worry about them
coming with a camera and-

Oh, my God!
Here they are!

How did they figure out
that we were gonna poison everyone...

in the way of me being the mayor?

And then you, with all of your
drug contacts and distribution...

was going to turn this state...

into the biggest narco empire
on planet Earth?

- Well, they figuring it out now.
- Well, obviously, yeah.

Obviously, you guys put it all together.

That's exactly right, Spoder.
We figured it out.

- Mm-hmm.
- A-All of it.

- Amen.
- And-

Could you go over the middle part again,
what you were doing?

Oh, I'd be- I'd be happy to
repeat the middle part.

- Okay.
- Um, our plan was-

- All right, everyone. Everyone.
Everyone, get back!

Get back!
No, no, put that away!

Close the case. Close the case.
Close the case and give it to me.

- Give me the antidote! Give me the antidote!
- Give him the antidote!

- Okay.
- Sorry.

- Hey, man.
- You're on your own.

- No, you know what you are, man?
- What?

I say, you know what you are?

You're haza.
You're haza, man.

I've understood, like, every third word you've
said to me the whole time I've known you.

And you know what?
I don't really care.

'Cause all of you-

Get a load of Spoder!

- Oh-
- Whoa!

Okay, okay. Okay.

This isn't me. This isn't-

- What happened to your accent?
- Whoa.

My name is Ethan.
I live just outside of Denver.

- Shut up!
- Well, not anymore. No, I live here now.

Originally, I'm from Fort Collins.

I was dealing blow
in Colorado, all right?

Uh, but it was a- a fruitless thing to do-
No one cared.

It's hard to sell coke there.

I don't know whether it's the elevation
or just the way of life there.

They're more interested in, uh, like, you know, mush
- mushrooms and acid and stuff.

- This was, uh-
- Hey, there's the, uh- antidote-

- Do you have more of that here or is it all with him?
- No, he took all of it.

- He has all of the antidote.
- Oh, shit. We should wrap this up.

Like I told you,
I will give you anything you want.

Uh, as long as
I get immunity here. I don't care.

- I'll rat that guy.
- I think we can do that. That's cool.

- I think we can do immunity, right?
- That would be the greatest.

- No immunity to bullets.
- Oh, God!

Oh, God!

- Let's get him!
- Oh, my God! Get him! Get him!

- Go! Go! Go! Go!
- Ow! Ow! Ow!

Shit! She's stuck!
She's stuck!

- Push me!
- Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go the other way!
Go the other way!

Other way! Other way!
Other way! Other way! Other way!

- Go! Go! Go!
- Hey, what's going on?

- You stay right there, Mrs. Spoder.
- Why are you going away now?

- You're a material witness, Mrs. Spoder!
- We're gonna come back for you.

- Can somebody help me?
- Spoder!

- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Drop it! Drop it right away, now!

Oh, my God! Jesus!

Hey! Hey!

What the fuck? Did they
- Did they run away? No running away! What the fuck?

- Go! Come on! Go! Go! Go!
- All right, you want a chase?

He's goin'.

- Oh, time out.
- Hang on, Wiegel!


- Travis!
- Give it up!

- Junior, don't play God.
- Travis!

- Out of the way! Police pursuit!
- Whoa!

- You gotta- Son of a-Jesus!
- Junior! Halt!

- Whoa!
- I got him!

- Come on. Let's go for it!
- Get out of the vehicle now!

- Ohh!
- Nice one.

- You don't wanna go where I'm goin;!
- Why not?

- Go to the left!
- Miami cops!

Ohh! Ohh!

- Oh, my God!
- Oh! Hey!


- Don't you dare! Don't you dare!
- Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Hey! Hey!

- Watch where you're shooting! Jesus Christ!
- We're between you and him!

- He's gonna jump that bridge!
- I know. I know.

- He's gonna do it!
- I'm gonna jump it!

- Hammer of the gods!
- He's gonna jump it. Shit!

- Whoa!
- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Oh, that hurts.
- Oh, my neck.

Everybody, hey, hands up! Hands up!

Get down! Get down! Get down!

- No, no, I mean- I mean, stand up!
- Get down?

- No, don't get- I swear to God!
- Tell us what you want us to do, Jeff!

Everyone, stand up and look at me!
Stand up and look at me!

- Stand up and look at you.
- Put your guns down, everyone! Kick 'em away!

- K-Kick your guns away.
- Kick 'em away?

Don't walk after them! Kick them
away from you and stay where you are!

- Kick them and step back?
- Kick them away and step back!

- What are you doing?
- I'm kicking them and stepping back.

Step back!

Guess what?
I'm glad it came to this.

I'm glad that you douche-nozzles
ruined my plan.

Because now I am drunk
on unprecedentedness.

- And th- What, Dangle?
- Unprecedentiality.

I will think of some-Stand up!

Final words.
Johnson, go.

Um, um, uh, legalize it?

Great. Fine. Wiegel.

- Okay, when I was in the fourth grade-
- Enough!

- Dangle, last words.
- Uh, he, uh, uh, uh- he loved it.

- Great.
- Shit!

- All right, no, that's your last words.
- Jeff-Jeff, no, no!

- That's your last words.
- That's not my last words! My last words-

- Here we go. Ready?
- No, I think you should talk to him more!

Anybody call for backup? Yeah!

"El departmento de sheriff."

Die, you whirlybird motherfuckers!

No, I got it. Shit. Hold on.

Goddamn- No, I got it.
Shit. Son of a bitch.

I give up, whirlybird!
I give up, whirlybird!

- Whoo! Ha, ha!
- We did it!

I need the extender!

I need the- another set of cuffs.
He's too chubby to fit 'em.


I'm not chubby.
This is protective karate fat.

- Protective karate fat. You know what?
- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Tell it to the judge, Spoder.

Nice work, people.
Nice work, indeed.

You know, I know we're probably not the
smartest bunch of cops in the whole world.

Probably not the best trained.

Probably not the smartest bunch
of cops in the whole world.

Individually, I don't think
we look like much-

- a couple of colored people, some
white folks, a lesbian. - Sir, I'm not-

But l- I think
the important thing is-

Know what we are?
Does anybody know what we are?

- A squad?
- Gorgeous.

- Squad. Gorgeous.
- People.

- People. All sort of right.
- Broke.

- Rope?
- Broke.

Broke. All pretty accurate.

- Heroes.
- I thought you said rope.

Heroes- Can I fini- Okay, can I fuckin'
finish the thing I was gonna say?


That was my bad.

- Was that the oneJeff was in?
- Yeah.

- Anybody-
- Double-time. Double-time.

Double-time. Double-time.
Trudy. Trudy, double-time.

If you were inside
the convention center...

let's have you line up
to be inoculated.

We have an antidote. We need everyone to
line up now, please, in an orderly fashion.


Look, you don't have to thank us.

I know.

You did your job. Barely.

So what?

Well, good ridd- riddance
to you too. I mean-

These were literally right in front of me.

He's getting his badge.

- Heroes.
- We did it.

Teamwork. Teamwork. Teamwork.
Hands in. Hands in.

- That's my team. A teamwork team.
- Reno!

Best sheriff's department in the world.

I bet we're gonna make
the national real deal.

- We rock.
- Dangle. Can I talk to you?

- You could-
- Yeah. Sure.

You're something to behold
when you are in action.

I'm impressed.

And I have been wrong about you.
I want to make it right.

I want to invite you to
the Aspen Sheriff's Department.

We'd like you to join us.

Sheriff Wagner...

the Reno Sheriff's Department
isn't just my coworkers...

they're like my family.

But they're also...

the dumbest group of people I've ever met
who weren't legally retarded.

So l- I would like a new family.

And I'd like that family
to be you guys.

- You're awesome. Yes, I accept. Thank you very much.
- Boys.

Guys, I'll see you!
I'm going, uh, to Aspen.

- What?
- Well, when are you gonna be back?

Uh, won't. Won't be back. I'm taking a job
at the Aspen Sheriff's Department.

- What?
- You're quittin'?

Yeah. I'm not quitting.
No. I mean, well, I am.

Jim, you're just gonna leave me here?

- No, I'm gonna leave all of you here.
- I love you.

- I know. I know. You've always loved me. It's fine.
- Oh.

I'll see you guys.
Where do you guys ski?

Do you guys ski Ajax
or do you guys ski Snowmass?

- Hold mine too.
- Sure was a good time.

- Oh, he's not holding your bag.
- Whoo!

Hey, Terry.

- What are you doing here?
- Terry was giving tug jobs on the East Coast out here.

He says he's out here
recording his album.

I am recording my album.
See, I have a violin.

- Mm-hmm. That's a ukulele, Terry.
- Your mom's a ukulele, Terry.

We're getting on the bus and going back home.
We're not in the mood for your high jinks.

I'm not taking the bus, 'cause
It smells like farts.

I have my own jet, okay,
that my dad bought me for Flag Day.

- I already told you that.
- Terry, you gonna take your limo?

I'll take my limo.
Yes, that's correct.

And my limo driver, Barry Baum.

- Your limo driver Barry Baum-
- That's his name. Barry Baum.

- is gonna take you to your privatejet?
- Here it is. Oh.

Hey, look at my "lim'."
It just appeared.

- Hi, Barry Baum.
- Sir.

- Sir, is your name, in fact, Barry Baum?
- Thank you.

I'm Barry Baum, yes.

You guys want a ride or do you
want to ride in the fartmobile?

- I got shotgun!
- No, let's go.

- Yeah.
- Let's go.

Here it is!

- Super Terry Airlines.
- Oh, my God.

- Come onboard. It's so fucking sweet.
- Holy fuck!

- Ta-da!
- Dad!

- Fuck You, Dad.
- Fuck you, Dad.

Fuck you.

- Do you like the new album or what?
- I love the new album.

- Listening party. Monaco.
- Oh, sign me up.

- I like the hair. It's so Stamos.
- Thank you. Thank you. Who's your friends?

These are my friends from Reno.
They're the police officers.

Nice to meet you, sir.
You have a wonderful son.

Oh, thank you.
I know I got a wonderful son.

We've arrested him several times
for giving blow jobs on the street corner.

- Quick impression.
- That's you.

Is this, uh, really,
uh, his jet up here?

This is his jet. I gave it to him
as a gift for Flag Day, remember?

I do remember. Oh, that was a great
Flag Day. Probably my best one.

- TheJacuzzi's on.
- We can get a ride?

- Sure.
- Thank you, sir.

- I didn't believe you. I'm sorry.
- It's okay. I love you guys.

- Oh, my God!
- Thank you, Terry.

- Oh, wow.
- Whoo!


Um, as you know, we have, uh...

faced violence and danger
on a daily basis...

throughout our career, uh, via weapons...

Such as knives, shivs, forks,
things like that.

The department wants us
to be aware of something else.

They have issued us, uh...

a requirement to carry Handi
sanitary wipes for the deadly fluids.

Hi, guys.

I'll take it from here.

Thank you. Thank you, guys.

I wanna-

I got out to Colorado...

and I went out, uh, and stood...

at the top of a mountain
they- they call Ajax.

And I looked down the mountain,
and I looked at all the runs.

And I could see the way
that the runs intertwined.

- They found out you were a-
- Yeah, they did. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. They got a zero tolerance
on that one over there.

I just want to say
I know that, um-

I know that you came back for me.

And I appreciate it.

- We'll talk later.
- Okay.

- Sorry, gang.
- It's okay.

No better way to show your affection
than a quick... wiener cupping.

- Hey, Jim, you know what you missed while you weren't here?
- What's that?

- Pajama Tuesdays.
- Oh, sweet!

Which, uh, she was only one
who really participated in.

And I think that she did not do it on purpose,
but then tried to play it off as Pajama Tuesday.

Hey, gang! Amazing news.

Oh, my God. We have been invited to
take part in Handcuffs Across the Water.

We're going to Scotland Yard!


All week long I've been
looking for this guy.

And he's on my boob,
and he's on my boob forever, you know.

And I don't-
I don't know who this is.

I don't know who this is,
but damn it, Garcia...

- I just thought finally, you know, I can-
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Can come home to somebody. - My God,
I had the same thing happen to me. L-

Right there.

- Kinda.
- You got a tattoo.

- Please, go on the other side of the fence.
You don't want- - On the other side of the fence?

I want to find out what
your half lives like. Lulu!

- What are you doing?
- Huh?

- What is that?
- I'm giving you what you're asking for.

You wouldn't dare shoot me.
And I'll prove it.

- Holy shit!
- Okay, step out of the pool.

Look at you! Wow.

You are, uh, in high school.

Junior high. I'll be 14 next month.
I missed seventh grade.

Hey! Fourteen! Next month!

- No, well, I'm a whole year older for my grade.
- That's great. Good for you.

- How are you?
- I'm running away from home. So fuck you and fuck Iowa.

- I'm leaving with my man. - She's not-
She's not- She's not running away from home.

- Come on. Let's go. Let's go.
- No, no, no, no!

- Come on.
- Is it the uniform? Is it the uniform?

- I can take it off.
- No, no, no, no.

- No!
- I can take it off! No, I'll take it off!

Joe. Joe. Joe.
We'll get in real trouble with this.

I'll be bad.
Look, I'll be your naughty schoolgirl!

- No! No! - No! That's not
really-That's not really funny...

- if you're actually still in school.
- I have on really cute under-

- They're fuzzy hearts.
- No, no, no!

- Touch my fuzzy hearts! No!
- No, no, no!


Very, very nice to meet you.
You have a very good drive back to Iowa.

- No, no, no!
- Why?

Call me when you're 16.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
Easy. Easy does it.

Easy. Easy. Easy.
Easy. Easy.

Tru. Tru. Easy. Easy. Easy.
Wait. Okay.

I don't know.
I saw this in the movies once.

- It doesn't go like this. - I don't think-
I think I'm supposed to be where you are.

- Auf Wiedersehen.
- Auf Wiedersehen.

- All right.
- She speaks Dutch.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Tell me the truth.

You are a lesbian, right?
I ain't gonna tell nobody.

I don't know how many times
or how many ways I have to say this.

I am not a lesbian.

I'm pretty sure she is.

Get back on your Commie fuckin' raft,
and get the hell back to Cuba.

And you know what?
Tell Castro we said, "Hey, what's up?"


You know you're going
through X-ray, don't you?

How does it work?
What the hell kind of a-

- Oh, see, it's like that. You put it
in, and then you- - Don't- Don't do that.

- Okay. What's that for? - This gets
the resin out, and then you- Here.

- You suck the resin off. Get high.
- Don't, don't, don't-

But you can also do a shotgun-
You can shotgun it too.

Well, wait, I can- No, you shotgun it
off of here. You light the middle.

- And then you light it, and you go-
- Oh, that's shotgunnin' it.

- Double bong. Double bong.
- Please- Please don't do that.

- You suck on that. You suck on this end.
- That end right there-

- And then you-
- Okay, no-

- What does it do?
- That is inserted in the anus...

and then you pull this to extract
impacted fecal matter.

I'm a proctologist.

- That explains the- the
taste of the old butt. - Yeah.

Check it out.

That one works.

- Is it workin'? It's stuck.
- The bag's stuck in there?

- The bag's stuck.
- Here, well, get it in-

- What's the radioactive symbol for?
- Uh-

- Can you get it?
- Wait. Okay, wait, push it this way.

- Push it which way?
- Yeah.

- That way? - No, th- No,
other way. Other way. Other way.

Please. Other way.
Ow! Motherfucker! Goddamn it!

- Hang on. Hang on, I got it!
- Ow! Ahh!

- Oh, don't!
- I got it. I got it. I got it.

No, no, no, no!
Jesus! Ohh! Ohh!

Please stop it.
Please stop it. Ow!

Oh. Hey, okay, okay, okay!

- Oh, my God.
- Please, don't move again.

- You never had your wisdom teeth out?
- What do you mean?

- I think you might need your wisdom teeth out, bro.
- What are wisdom teeth?

Is it goin'? Is it goin'?
Do l- Do I talk now? Do I talk?

Do I look at you,
or do I look into the thing?

You know, they told us just to
act natural when the cameras are on...

but, uh, you know,
you feel kinda like a-

Feel like Jeff Gordon or something
with the camera on me all the time.

Wish I had something to say.

Do I look better like this- 10:00 and
12:00- or do I look better like this?

'Cause I could also- I could roll down
a window and do, like- like this.

Shit! Fuck! Ow!

Special thanks to SergeiK.