Shrink Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrink script is here for all you fans of the Kevin Spacey movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Shrink quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Shrink Script


Good morning.

Whenever you're ready, Dr. Carter.

Should I just...
Do you just want me to start talking?

Yeah, yeah.
I'll just give you a cue.

Happiness Now, take one.


"Happiness" is a word for a feeling.

Feelings are rarely understood in the moment.

They are quickly forgotten,

and almost always mis-remembered.

And besides,
feelings are totally full of shit.

"Feelings are full of shit"?

I don't have that here, Doc.

But... we'll go again.


Okay, we're still rolling.

Happiness Now, take two.


"I don't think life is absurd.

"I think we're all here for a huge purpose.

"I think we shrink...

I think we shrink from the immensity
of the purpose we are here for."

Go write that motherfucking
screenplay right now.

Let's go, people.


Did you study?

For what?

Periodic tables?

You didn't study.

Come on, come on.
Walk, everybody.

- Morning, Dr. Carter.
- Morning, Miyu.

- How we looking today?
- Busy.

Your Happiness Now is number seven
on the bestsellers list.

I'm gonna go outside.

One, please.

Shouldn't you be in school?

- Yes, sir.
- Are you listening?

- Yes, I am.
- Plastics.



Hey. It's time.

Let the healing begin.

I can't sleep.

I can't stop washing my hands.

I keep thinking somebody's
trying to kill me.

I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna get
ball cancer from the cell phone.

Earthquakes, AIDS, air pollution.

I'm worried about everything.

I mean, I saw this thing on television

about the icebergs melting.

I mean, holy shit.
If that is for real, we're fucked.

- Okay, just slow down.
- No, I'm a licensed pilot.

I have a black belt in Tae Kwan Do.

This sort of thing
cannot be happening to me.

Panic, anxiety, obsessive behaviors...
these things can happen to anybody.

I did a lot of blow in the early '90s.
Do you think that could have...

No, that wouldn't have
anything to do with it.

- I mean a lot.
- No.

All right.

When I was in school,
they gave me these tests.

Apparently, I'm a genius.

A literal, fuckin' genius.

Do you feel pressured
to live up to that kind of label?

No, that's the thing.
It's not a label.

I actually am a fuckin' genius.

I mean, I have this, like,

borderline idiot savant thing,

like, 548 times 
is 162,765.

I don't even want to know that.

I just do.

I am superstitious
and I am freaked out

because there are germs everywhere.

And there is danger everywhere.

And I don't know how
I'm supposed to feel safe.

Do you know why you feel this way?


That's why I came to you.

- 12, 13...
- Hey, Richie. Hey, O.T.

Jemma, you won't believe this.

My friend Teddy shit his pants
at school today.

14, 15...

- Hey, Uncle Jim.
- The school called.

Is Lucy here?

Got her working a double again.

Richie, what the fuck are you doing?

- I have to do these.
- I can't concentrate in here.

I'm trying to pay some bills, Richie.

- Be quiet!
- I have to do these.


- Hey, man.
- Hi.

How you doing?

Well, I could be better.

Well, would a car wash
make you feel any better?

I always love a car wash.

All right.

You've got Don Juan,

Jamaican Red, John Wilkes Booth,
Northern Lights,

Mexican Airlines, Mississippi Blonde,

Kentucky Bluegrass, Wickki Sticks,

Pakistani Black...

What is Pakistani Black?

Pakistani Black, if you'll notice...
the seeds are black.

So it's literally... It's quite literal.

- Okay.
- There's Pussy Finger.

It's my personal favorite.

I think I'd like to try
Purple Fuck Dust this week.

You sure?
That's not one of our bestsellers.

- Really?
- It's not. I don't know why.

I definitely want some Pussy Finger.

- Definitely.
- Yes, that's...

Number 175.
Do you want the dub sack?

Yeah, a dub sack of both
of those would be great.

But what is Toasty Brunch?

Hey, this is all weed.


Apartment in Silver Lake.

The jungles of Vietnam, 1966.

Charlie everywhere.
No way out."

"Exterior. Civil War."

Son of fucking Jesus Christ.

"Exterior. Alcatraz."

"Exterior. Mexico."

"Exterior. A space station
in the not-so-distant future."

No. "Interior.

Hogwarts School for fucking wizards!"


Glorious, glorious Toughbook,
I love you so.

Listen, you fucking asshole,
I don't care what he told you.

I'm the agent, and I'm telling you.

I'm so done with you.

Get the guy who writes
the checks to call me,

you third-string, pussyfoot asshole.

Daisy, I'm in the lobby.

- Okay, I'm here.
- Call The Chateau.

- Make sure Shamus is up for lunch.
- Yes.

- Call the Viceroy, table for two.
- Sure. Done.

And this time, can we get
a table in the corner?

I don't like people behind me.

- Okay.
- It's weird.

- It creeps me out.
- It is weird.

Put that down in general.
Nobody behind me in restaurants.

- Mop, there's a mop in my lobby.
- Okay.

- Nobody shakes my hand.
- Yes.

Nobody behind me in restaurants.

And can I please get someone
to hold the elevator for me?

- Yes.
- Is that too much to ask?

Of course. I'm sorry.

- I'm out of the elevator now.
- Okay, I'm ready for you.

- You see the tracking on Norsemen?
- Norsemen.

Daisy, it is DEFCON in the men's bathroom.

There's no motherfucking
bar of soap in there.

- Bar of soap, okay.
- There's no soap in the soap thingy.

It's just a fucking dish
and a goddamn bar of soap.

I mean, what is this?
A gas station?

- We got to get a soap guy in here.
- I'll do it over lunch.

Yeah, but Dave Levine is using that soap.

Do you know how many pros he's been with?

- Yeah.
- Disgusting.

You know what?
Let's just buy some soap.

- Done.
- Lots of soap.

Liquid, antibacterial, hospital grade.

It's going to be my soap.
Private collection.

That's how we're doing it.

What else you got?
Hit me.

I wore gloves.

Okay. You need to send
Michael Burns and his goomah

a "thank you" note for dinner
last Friday evening.

- Why?
- Because it's good manners.

Listen, I need you to go...
No, get a guy.

Find a guy, like an intern or something.

And I need him to go to this place
and take a shit on that guy's doorstep.

Wow, are you...
Are you serious?


Listen, I know you're knocked up,
but let's show a little hustle on that soap.

And get that guy to shit on that doorstep.

That is mission critical.

Hey, Jack, would you mind

if we switched our appointment
next week to 5:00...

5:00 is when I start drinking usually, but...

All right, then, forget about it.

You think I'm a sex addict?

No, I think you might be an alcoholic.

Now, I'm a functioning alcoholic.

Yeah, we've talked about this, Jack.

That's a very misleading term.

In my day, I balled
a lot of chicks, you know.

The stories are true.

Yeah, I know,
you've been sexually active, yes.

Damn right I was active.

Wow, it was amazing.

Then I got married ten years ago.

Promised to give all that up, you know.

Hung up my spurs.
Put the pony in the paddock.

Yeah, you might also put it
that you made a commitment.

Yeah. I did.

No more chasing strange,

no more French wrestling.

Do you love your wife?

God, I love Susan.
She's amazing.

She's fucking incredible.

Make's me harder than Chinese algebra.

I love my wife.
You know, I love Paris.

I just wouldn't want to live there
the rest of my life.

It's a fucking addiction, Doc.

I mean that literally.
I'm addicted to fucking.

I should go to Cock Enders.

- You are not a sex addict.
- Really?

Look, if you are beginning
to have feelings of temptation,

we can find ways for you to cope.

I'm ahead of you on that, Doc, okay?

I think I've found a way to cope
because I got this friend, okay?

We'll call him the Admiral.

He's a world-class cocksman.

When I say "world-class,"

I mean this guy sees more puss
than a litter box.

And, Doc...

I do this thing.

All right.

I call him in the morning

and he tells me what went on
the night before.

Kind of a "coitus discriptus"
kind of thing,

and then I...

you know, butter the corn.

Punch the clown.

A little beef "strokinoff."
You know what I'm saying?

- I got it.
- Yeah.

I mean, that's the disease.

That's the addiction.

That's wrong, right?

Look, Jack.

If you find that this strategy
of phoning up your Admiral friend

is helping you to stay faithful to your wife,

then it's not weird.

But you have to start to admit
you are an alcoholic.

- Functional.
- Let's stop it.

No, l...

I want to get back out there
and lock crotch.

You got to help me, Doc.

I'm afraid.

I want to feel like a man again, you know?

Jack, I've known you a long time.

But did you just ask me
to give you permission

to cheat on your wife?


Good to see you again.

How are you doing?

I'm okay.
How are you?

Hey, you look a little worse for wear.

Yeah, well, I haven't been sleeping much.

What's going on?

Let's all sit down

and talk.

Henry, you have had a damn tough year.

We are all here, all of us,

because we care about you.

You have a drug problem.

- I got it, James.
- Excuse me, I'm speaking here.

I was addicted to anger.

And you helped me beat it.
Let us help you beat this.

It's obvious that you have been, Henry,

self-medicating for some time.


Is this...

Is this an intervention?

It's an opportunity.

In the first place,
you were my wife's doctor, not mine.

And in the second place,
I'm not some fucking drug addict

on Wilshire Boulevard, all right?

I'm a doctor.
And let me...

Diana, did you actually
send me a written invitation

two weeks ago to my own intervention?

- Opportunity.
- You say that one more time,

I'm going to throw
a fucking crab cake in your face.

We've arranged a room at a rehab

just north of Oxnard.

Are you shitting me?

He wants to send me to Oxnard.

Look, let me make it clear to you, okay?

My wife died, you fucking assholes.

We love you, son.

And it's a bitch seeing you like this.

Well, then don't look, Dad.

Look, l...


We've written a letter.

We've all signed it.

All right.

Jeremy will read it.

I don't really want to read it
anymore, actually.


I'll read it.

"Dear Henry, help..."

My wife killed herself.

She had a car accident.

No, Dad.

That's what I told you.

Jesus Chr...


So, I'm going to go out to my car,

I'm going to take a big hit
from a self-medicating joint,

and then I'm going
to Kentucky Fried Chicken

'cause it's finger-fucking-licking good.

"Cherokee" is from the word "Muscogee."

Cherokee means
"speakers of another language."

Does anybody know
how the Cherokees lived?

What sort of people were they?
Were they warriors?

Where do you think you're going?

Jemma. I need you to go
back to your seat.

Jemma, go back to your seat now.

A fucking intervention?

Who the fuck are they to intervene?

Who the fuck are they to point the finger?

- Do you think I have a problem?
- What kind of problem would you have?

Everyone's got a problem?

With this? With drugs?

No. Why does it always have
to be about the drugs?

Why does everything have to have a label?


Why's it got to be right or wrong?

Why does it have to be the drugs?

It's grief.


They want you to have
some kind of normal response to grief.

So they don't have to watch.

But it's mine.


I know it's yours.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, I'm going to go around the world
making my music.

Rocking cocks, that's what I do.

That's who I am.

I'm sorry?

Rockin' cocks... it's a music term
for making people happy.

Are you comfortable?

Well, as much as I can be.


I think he's become...

a narcissist.

Is that what your
Gypsy yoga teacher told you?

No, and she's not a Gypsy.

And I'm not a narcissist.

What's a narcissist?

It's someone who doesn't give a shit
about anyone but themselves.

Fuck it.
I got to take a leak.

He wasn't always like this.

It's like I'm watching everything
from the distance.

Like I'm not really there.

I'm just...



Here, come on, baby.

You kind of look like Kate Amberson.

Anybody ever tell you that?


I mean, you could be, like,
her older sister or something.

And I can I get cash back?

Miss Jenkins,

get the superintendent on the phone, please.

Get me permission to search those lockers.

Let's go.

Get to class, young lady.

So, you on drugs?


Look, I know this year has been
kind of hard on you.

Thank you.

Are you going to expel me?

No, I want you to talk to somebody.

No, thanks.


Jemma, what do you think
your mother would say about all this?

- Hey, is Hector working next week?
- Yeah.

- Trying to pick up some of his shifts.
- Yeah, I'll put in a good word.


Sorry about that, sir.

This is my car.
It's worth more than you.

Patrick Silver, as I live and breathe.

Hey, man, long time no see.

How are you doing, you fucking biotch?

Mitch, don't touch me.
You know better than that.

Congratulations on the divorce.

Yeah, well, look around.

I'm back, you know.

- Yeah, well, I never left.
- Right.

Hey, did you see Tokyo Missile Crisis?
What do you think?

I don't know.
What's it going to gross?

Jesus, man, do you even go
in the office anymore?

Bro, this is my office.

You have no idea how much heat
this has brought to my profile.

And you should stay over tonight.

Don't touch me.

Because this house has more poontang
than you could ever fuck.

Yeah, dude, I'm just here to find Shamus.

- I thought he was in the hospital.
- No, he's here.

- He told me to meet him here.
- All right, what was it?

- It's heatstroke.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I snorted
too much heatstroke once myself.

Hey, did you read my asteroid movie?

Shamus would crush that.

Yeah, I'm not so sure
about disaster pictures this year.

It's not a disaster picture.
It's an asteroid movie.

You know, fucking space rocks
ripping through fucking space.

You know, people lined up
nuts to butts to see that.

Yeah, bring an offer with some stink on it,

'cause if you don't get
on the train right now,

- he's going to be 20 against 20.
- I know.

You took me all the way through the house.

- Where the fuck is Shamus?
- I don't know.

I've been on ecstasy all day.

- Do you know where Shamus is?
- Jesus knows.

- Yeah, come on, follow me.
- Come on, let's go.

Mitch is fucking paying $200,000 a month...

How are you doing?

And where's the landscaping at, man?

I mean, where's the weed-eater at?

Where's the pride of ownership?

How long has Shamus been here?

It's hard to say.
Two days maybe.

- Jesus Christ.
- Yeah.

- Is that him?
- Shamus.

Is that Shamus?

- Holy shit.
- Hey, snap out of it.

- Dude, hello.
- Where the fuck have you been?

I fucking called your home, you little prick.

- Come on.
- Wait, don't touch that drum.

Come on.

Fucking hell.

You just got out of the fucking hospital.
What the fuck?

What the fuck?
This is what the fuck.

This isn't what I fucking thought
it was going to be like.

What? Wasted out of your mind
in a drum circle?


Do you know what they're fucking saying
about me on the Net?

- What?
- They're fucking saying I've got a big cock.

That's awesome.

Fuck... I want to be fucking taken seriously.

Well, you're not going to be
fucking taken seriously

if you keep getting hospitalized
for heatstroke.

Listen, you got a fucking
couple of Coke cans hanging.

You're a goddamn tripod.
Embrace that shit.

- I just want to make films, you know.
- I got a film for you.

It's you, and you have a massive cock

on a massive asteroid hurtling toward...

Fucking good films, you know?

It's going to be good.

- Shit.
- We got to get you out of here.

I said don't fucking touch the drum!

Don't touch the drum.
Come on.

Fucking hell.

Shamus, lose the girl.
We're going.

Wait, Patrick!

- I didn't know you came here.
- I don't.

Me neither.

Listen, I got this drum circle script.

It's kind of like Big Wednesday

meets Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

- That sounds amazing.
- It's amazing.

- Send it to my office.
- Yeah, okay.

Hey, sorry.

- You're Patrick Silver, right?
- I am.

I'm a writer.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I have a script I wrote last year.

Comedy or drama?

You know, it's hard to say.

I feel like life isn't really
one or the other.

Right, right, right.
Send it to my office.

- Cool. Thank you.
- Thank you.

Bye now.

- You sure this is a cig?
- No.

I had a dream last night.

I was in the ocean on a boat.

I think it was a Coast Guard boat,

and I think I was in a uniform.

And so, we were crashing
through the waves

and there was a storm
and raining and everything...

We were searching for someone.

Someone had to be rescued.

And when we finally found him... was me.

I was the one drowning.

But I was also on the boat.

Maybe I'm suffering
from compassion fatigue syndrome.

And just what the fuck is that?

When you're overwhelmed.

Yeah, it's when you're overwhelmed

by a feeling.

Drowning in a feeling.
Does that...

Look, kid, you can't beat
the shit out of yourself

because she...

Excuse me, Dr. Carter.
Your 2:00 is here.

Thank you. Be right there.

That's all I get?

No, absolutely not.

It is out of the question.

Of course you can.
Read the file.

No, Dad, look.
She's a kid, all right?

She's probably got real problems, real stuff.

Ghetto stuff.
What do I know about that?

I can barely handle the patients
that I already... Dad.

That's a European cigarette.

Just put it down, now.

So people pay you
to tell you their problems?

How much?

Well, normally... Oh, no.

You and I, this... This is pro bono.

- It means that...
- No, I know what it means.

You should bill my school.

You know,
just because they sent you here,

doesn't mean they think
you're crazy or anything.

They just thought
it might be good for you

to have someone to talk to.

Yeah, I know.

I've seen Ordinary People.

So, you want to tell me
what happened to your hand?

It's in the file.

I'd rather hear it from you.

I punched out a mirror
in the girls' bathroom.

What happened?

Don't want to talk about it.

My father tells me
you've been skipping classes.

I go to the movies.

You like the movies?

No, I hate movies.

I was just trying to figure out
what's going on in your life...

It's in the file.

I didn't know.

It says that your mother...

I don't want to talk about that.

Look, I know how hard it is,

- but sometimes...
- Fuck this.

...when you lose someone...


I thought you weren't supposed
to be my friend anymore.

Yeah, well, I couldn't do it.

Want to go get some dinner or something?

I can't even write two sentences.

I'm broke.
I'm mowing lawns.

Mowing lawns?
Whose lawns?

Just your dad's right now.

You're mowing my dad's lawn?

- Your table's ready.
- Thank you.

- Are you kidding?
- No, I'm serious.

You know, I need to start therapy again.

With me?
No, no, no, I can't.

I can't pay you right now,
but we can add it to the tab.

Or I can clean your pool or something.

But you'd have to pay for the chemicals.

No can do. Arigato.

You know, we haven't gone
to dinner since the...

I know.

If my mother was her godmother,
what does that make us?

Godbrothers by marriage.

- Does that even exist?
- I don't think so.

Rode my moped to the cemetery last week.

Left her some flowers.

She would've liked that.

Do I know you?


You probably don't know this.

She followed you in her car that night

because you insisted on driving
your piece of shit home

even though you were blasted.

She did?

And she said every time
you came to a stoplight,

you toppled over.

She said, like in slow motion,
like an oak tree.

You know, l...
I watched Taxi Driver with her

and there was that scene when he goes
to the movie theater in Time Square.

Remember that?

And I looked over at her then,
and she was...

And she was crying.

The first step towards happiness
is always the hardest.

Who said that?

You did.

I did?


You want to borrow it?

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe I should read it.

I'll just give it a quick read.

Yeah, it's good.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Who's this?
- This is August.

Come here. Say hi.

I didn't know you came here.

Well, only once a week.

We used to come a lot more often,

but the vet's afraid he's going to have
a heart attack.

Or maybe it's me.

It's good to see you.

God, I look awful.

- Oh, no.
- I'm all sweaty.

No, it's... I look terrible.

I'll see you next week.

Evan's not coming anymore.

What? Is he off rockin' cocks?

No, he's just not coming.

- Well, it's good to see you.
- Yeah.

So, I was thinking today maybe we could
just drive around, you know?

Maybe go up to the planetarium
or something.

Fuck, I just feel like
getting out of the hotel.

Or how about going
to the apartment building

where F. Scott Fitzgerald died?

- Who?
- F. Scott Fitzgerald.

- Who's that?
- He's a writer.

Fuck, I'm not saying...
Just get in the car and drive around.

I can't.
I have an audition in an hour.

Can you blow it off?

No, 'cause then I have to go to work.

- You have to go to work?
- Yeah.

What do you do?

I work at a temp agency
at a car rental place.

Fuck, that's cool.

Yeah, well, my agent sucks, though.

- Fuck, you should meet Patrick.
- Who's Patrick?

Well, Patrick's my agent.

He's a little crazy, but he's a good guy.

Really? I can meet him?

If you want.

You'd do that?

For you, yeah, I'll do that.

I really like you.

I really like you, too.

So, you're still getting intervened?

I got this patient now.
My father gave me this case.

I know what he's up to.

He's like some little elf,

you know, with some magical plan that...

She's a kid.
I mean, for Christ's sakes.

I can't take on that kind of responsibility.

You know, l...

She needs somebody who can tell her
that everything's going to be great

and the world is beautiful.

And I'm in no shape to do it anyway.

And besides, I can't fix people.

I think you can try.

Do you want some Sticky Icky?

- Texas Sticky Icky?
- No, no. Just let me finish this.

This is Uncle Henry.

- Hey, man.
- What the fuck are you doing here?

What? You said 7:30.

It's fucking 5:30, though.

Shit, man, I'm sorry.
I don't have a watch.

- Is this your dad?
- No, it's not my dad.

- That's...
- Henry Carter.

What, like the doctor?

No, I am the doctor.

Fuck off.
You're not the doctor.

- I am. I'm Henry Carter.
- Really?

Yeah, really, Henry Carter.

- I'm fucking listening to your book.
- Christ, you're kidding.


Is it helping?

I don't know.
It's hard to say.

I've just started.

Fuck, is this... this a therapy session
or something?


Are you the girl from the Carl's Jr. ads?

Yeah, I am.

Who are you?

I'm a writer.


Anything I would know?

Unfortunately, no.
I haven't...

But that's soon to change.

Jeremy Banks?


- Hi.
- Hi.

You have an appointment with Patrick?

No, I just met him the other day

and he said I should
send my script here, so...

I just...

Do you always drop off
your scripts in person?

No, this is the first time.

It's weird to do that, isn't it?

This is weird, right?

It's a little weird, yeah.


Patrick doesn't really read scripts,
but I'll give it a read, okay?

- You will?
- Yeah, unless it sucks.


Congratulations on the pregnancy.


Kate Amberson.
We love Kate Amberson.

We have always loved Kate Amberson.

Hit me.

Murder Factory 4.

3. It's Murder Factory 3.
It will be the third one.

Not interested.

I see you want something
with a little more substance.

So playing a paraplegic...

Paralyzed from the upper lip down,
but it would convey a message, I think.

What does she look like these days?

- Right.
- I mean she did just have a kid.

She's a mom.
Is she a mom I'd like to fuck?

Adult drama.

- Something with fucking.
- Lesbian.

Not disgusting lesbian,
but tasteful lesbian.

Right, right.

Broken marriage.
Secret affair.

Fucking in the shower sort of thing.

How do you feel about her portraying
a female member of the Taliban?

Film's called Burka.

She'd have to wear a burka,
so how are her eyes?

Are they puffy from having babies?

The Year of the Avalanche script.

Fucking in a cabin
while it's buried under the snow.

- Very hot, nice work.
- Right?

We need a belly double.

This is Kate Amberson.

This is Kate mother-fucking Amberson.

Take a deep breath there, champ.

Relax and talk to us.

I want to pick the exact, right phrase

to convey the delicacy of what it is
that I'm feeling right now.

Fuck you. Fuck you.


I had a few one night and I got this tattoo.

You know, it's in kanji.

I can read kanji.

- Serious?
- Yeah.

Are you reading my files?

Mr. Holden, you know I can't do that.

Maybe you should.
There's some pretty wild stuff in there.

Maybe you and I can make
an appointment.

You know, so you can at least tell me

if this says "Happiness and laughter."

Mr. Holden.

I think I'm wrong.

Are you who I think you are?

Yeah, nice to meet you.

You should make better movies.

I'm glad you came back.

I have to.
They're making me.

Well, they want to help you.

I told you I don't need any help.

So Jack Holden comes here?

I can't talk about my clients.

Any other famous people come here?

I can't talk about my clients.

How was your week?

Did you see any movies?

Apocalypse Now.


If Jack Holden comes here
for his problems,

why do you care about someone like me?

What are your problems?

When did I say I had any problems?

I think you just did.

I didn't want to look at myself.

This week?

Didn't want to look at myself.

How did it go at the studio?

Great. I mean,
I can make it rain scripts

- by this afternoon, but...
- But what?

Well, it's going to be
a little different this time.

- What do you mean?
- You're not 27 anymore.

I mean, you're not even 30.

- You're saying I'm old.
- I'm not saying...

- A little bit old. I'm kind of old.
- No, you're not.

- I'm past... Okay.
- I was in there with you...

- Listen, I'm aware of...
- You're not old, you're just not young.

It's going to limit the roles just a little.

- I know.
- Hi, excuse me.

Are you who I think you are?
Could I take a picture with you?

God, no.

- Really?
- No.

- I'm, like, a big...
- I'm sorry.

- This is really not...
- Bitch.

But on the whole it's a fucking...
it's a big movie, it's a good movie.

We had a bunch of sword fighting
and horse riding, and...

- They couldn't use guns.
...beautiful ladies.

Not yet. If they had them, boy,
that would've been a quick movie.


- Everyone's dead.
- Good night.

The battle would've been over in seconds.

That's it.

What a great director, too.

He was a genius.
He was fantastic.

Brilliant man.

If he ever gets English down, watch out.

Some of the movie's
got some beautiful girls.

- Beautiful girls, yeah.
- Beautiful fucking girls.

But once they shave,
they're going to be... a little French.

You have to go like,
"Watch out there. Props."

Second hairdresser.

- Yeah.
- Scary.

But, you know, the movie itself
is a fucking great film.

It's got Jack,
which makes any movie great.

Fuck, we've done
how many of these today?

- 50.
- Fucking 50, 75.

And what else... what else
can we say about the film?

It's a big, fuck-off action movie

with some great fight scenes,
battle scenes, you know?

It's... Fuck...

- You end.
- What else?

Let's get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, let's get the fuck out of here.

Good night. Thank you.

Yeah, enjoy the film.

This is not my normal ride, okay?

I don't roll like this all the time.

My wife took my fucking car keys.

She's right, though.

Two-thirds in the tank,
I shouldn't be driving.

Can I ask you a question?


I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

Not really a question.


Man, can you take the wheel?

It's pretty...
Hold on, I got to piss.

Just take it.

Fuck me. Fuck me!

You want to get straight?

No, I really... Okay.



Your clients...

Do you ever feel like
you can't do anything for them?

I mean, really, anything?

I don't know.
I just sell smoke.

It's not that...

It's not that serious, I don't think.

I got to go to the grocery store.

I'll see you later.

All right.

Drive safe.



Once again we meet.

Nice cart.

Just wanted ice cream.

I would love ice cream, too.

Have some.

No, I can't, apparently, 'cause l...

I'll get fat or something.

That's fucked up.

I worked in an ice cream shop
in high school in Warren, Ohio.

Did you?

Banana split sundaes.

I make a mean Black and White.

So, Miss Amberson,
did you always want to be

Miss Ice Cream of Warren, Ohio?

Or did you always want to be
one of Tinseltown's brightest stars?

I pretty much always wanted to act.

I guess dreams do come true.

Yeah, but I still ended up
in your office, didn't I?

So, what about you?
Where did you grow up?

Me, I grew up here.

Did you always want to be a therapist?

I don't even know anymore.

That is ancient history.

You're not that old, you know.

Neither are you.

I am in this town.

Well, like I said, fuck 'em.

Daisy? Daisy?

This fucking asteroid script,
could that really happen?

Yeah, they have the money.

- Hedge fund financing, I think.
- No, no, no.

I mean an asteroid hitting the Earth.

Yeah, I think so.

Any day it could happen?

Or in 100,000 years?
Or what?

I don't know.

Fucking find out, all right?

Do we have a guy at NASA?
Just... Fuck.

We need a guy at NASA.

Are you high?

No, I'm not.

It's walrus tusk.
It's totally medicinal.

I got a guy in Little Antarctica.

Hey, did you check my dome supply?

You make sure all
the expiration dates are right?

No lambskin?

No, you're all set.

All right. All right.

I'm going to go back in and gorilla pimp
that girl from the Carl's Jr. ads.

Sleep tight.

- You're a really good writer.
- Thank you.

That's good news because
I am a piece of shit valet.

Okay, I have bad news.


They basically made
a bad version of the script,

and it's coming out next summer.

What? Really?

How is that possible?

Mine takes place in an alternate reality.

I know.
Yours is better, but...

I don't know. I think maybe you should
work on something new.

Excuse me.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.


You want to get a drink
this weekend or something?

Baby on board.

Right. Shit.

Sorry, I'm an idiot.

Who's the father?

Oh, God.
That's so long.

You know what?
I have to go to this thing.

It's going to really suck,

but if you want, you could join me.

- It's not going to be fun.
- Yeah, I'll go.

- You could? Okay.
- Yeah.

I'm glad we're finally meeting.

Shamus is sweet.

So you were in that vampire movie?


- Did you see it?
- I didn't.

You were in a couple of other indies

and that American Apparel ad.

And you're, what, 19?


Street legal.

I'm just fucking him, by the way.

You're just fucking him?


Do you have any idea who I am?

I wouldn't be here if I didn't.

You know this information
will probably get back to him, right?


Stop right there!

You're dead, Stitch!

You know what your problem is,
Ramirez, you piece of shit?

What's that?


- The fucking gun's jammed again.
- That's a cut.

- Come on, man!
- God damn it.

Can we get Shamus a real gun?

- Hey, Shamus!
- Right here, Shamus!


- Hi.
- Hi.

You made it.

Do you like it?

Yeah, it's cool.

Can I get you a cocktail?


- What?
- I'm still pregnant.

Right. Sorry.

Look, I want to tell you something.


I know we're just getting
to know each other

and we really don't know
where this is going,

but I just really feel like
I should tell you this.

- I like you.
- I'm sorry?

I really like you

and I don't have
any money or insurance

or a valid credit card
or any of those things,

but I'll help you take care of this baby.

I will do whatever it takes.

I will step up big time.

I like you, too.


Do you want to go make out in your car?

- Yeah.
- Really?

No, I don't have a car.

I don't have a car.

You know what?
I have a car.

- Yes!
- Okay.

Wait, wait, wait.
We should get a condom.

No, no.
I'm already pregnant.

God, I can't.

Wait. No, no, no.
You're pregnant.

What are we doing?

No, it's fine. Don't stop.

- Shit!
- Is everything okay?

Yeah. Sorry.
We were just leaving.

Little King? Shit.

Get the fuck out!

I was just thinking about you.

What's going on, brother?
How you doing?

- I'm good. How are you?
- It's so good to see you.

Did Youngblood over here
knock you up, little lady?

No, man.
It's not mine.

It's not even mine.

It's not?

No. It's... It's my sister's.

It's a surrogate.
I'm a surrogate.

She couldn't get pregnant, so...

I can't say no.

It's probably why I work for Patrick, so...

- You're serious?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry.

It's not even my egg.

It's just... It's just my oven.

- Wow.
- So to speak.

- That's crazy.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Thank God.

Are you guys good friends?

You didn't have to do this.

I didn't want you to have to ride the bus.

Jemma Brown?

You want me to go with you?

- I'll be okay.
- Okay.

Hey, it's me.

Hold on a second.

- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Hold on a second.

- What are you doing? You okay?
- I'm fine.

- Were you getting high?
- What? No.

- You weren't?
- No.

- Really?
- Yes.

Well, some people might see
getting high in a pediatrician's office

as a cry for help.

She's not my kid.

But you probably knew that.

Let's go.

What'd you think?

I want to make movies.

You do?

My mom used to take me to the movies.

That was our thing.

I kept all the tickets.

I tape them to my ceiling.

Maybe we could do this every week.

I mean go to the movies

instead of talking.

You have no idea how tempting that is,

but I'm afraid we're gonna have to talk.

I knew you were gonna say that.


I see you!

This place is a fortress, motherfucker.

What the fuck are you trying to pull?

That's right, you better run,
you motherfucker.

That's from Ed Armstrong at Orion.

You don't even know how fucked you are.

You're not gonna be able to see a movie
in this goddamn town when l...





It's for you.

Yo, this is Evan.
What's up?

We should do this every night.

We should start a band.

We should start a band.

What would our band be called?

Let's think.

The Neurotics.

The Neurotics.
I love it.

It's my fault.

I should've seen it coming.

I mean, all the friends we had are gone.

I just have patients now.

Well, you still have a step-godbrother.

Who wants to be my patient?

Jesus Christ Almighty,

your face looks like
a truck driver's nutsack.

Thanks, Dad.
It was a long night.

Yeah, I bet.

Been thinking about your dream.

I thought you didn't do dreams.

No, I don't.

But in your case...

"It's a comfort for seafarers to know

"that no matter on what strange water
they may venture,

"there are always pilots within call.

But yet the sufferer must help himself."

That's Kierkegaard.

Love his work.


I saw you at the movie.

Yeah, so?

Do you maybe want to have
a cup of coffee or something?


I think we might have a lot in common.

Yeah. I gotta go.

Wait, wait, wait.
My name's Jeremy.

I'm a writer and I have a girlfriend.

She's my age,
so I'm not a weirdo or anything.

Look, I just would really like to have
a cup of coffee with you.

You like school?

I guess.

You guess?

Sounds like a "no" to me.

It's all whatever.


That's a word I used

many, many times when
I was in high school myself.

Yeah, I actually...

I actually got suspended
for a week because

I wrote a report on this book
called The Anarchist's Cookbook.

- What?
- It's this book...

It basically tells you how to make bombs.

I wasn't trying to make bombs,
but I was trying to do this report

and show this subversive society, whatever.

This whole big thing.

What about you?
You ever get kicked out?

Suspended or anything?

What do you think?




Yeah? You did, didn't you?

Do you want to go to this party
with me tonight?


All right, Jemma Brown.

Dr. Carter?

Would you like me to get you a razor?

So you could shave?


- You sure about that?
- Yeah.


I'm here with Dr. Henry Carter.

Him, the shrink of the stars.

He's a therapist practicing in Los Angeles.

- A bestselling author...
- Hey, babe.

That's your guy, isn't it?

Including, of course, his 1995 classic...

- Yeah.
...Stop Feeling Sad.

Doctor, it's good to have you here.

Tonight's topic is suicide,

with the implicit question...

Why do they do it?

Can you shed some light
on this dark topic for us?

"Why do they do it?"
That's your question?


I ought to know.

My wife committed suicide.

She wrote me a letter.

A note.

You're supposed to call it a note.

I'm a fraud.
A big fraud.

Do you honestly believe
what you're saying?

This book.

This book.

I wrote this book
to feel better about myself.

Don't buy this book.

It's bullshit.

Don't buy this book.

Don't buy this book.

It's all bullshit.

It's all bullshit, and then you die.

We knew that going in.

Sorry, I gotta take this.


Oh, my God.

What would make somebody
do something like that?

Take a shit on my goddamn porch.

Hey. Are you poking my assistant?

'Cause I don't know if you've noticed,
but she's pregnant,

and that's just fucking gross.

You really like her.


Yeah, she's a good kid.

Don't tell her I said that.

You guys can go home.

- We'll stay.
- No, really.

I got my best man on it.

Is this the John Belushi suite?

What does it say?

Let's see. Cocaine.


Klonopin. Soma?


You have a drinking problem, my friend.

I'm Irish.

What the fuck is Ketamine?

- It's a horse tranquilizer.
- Of course it is.

You may want to stand up
for this next part.

You fucking kidding?

I did it with Keira.

- You what?
- I had sex with Keira.

We fucked.

So, if you need to come at me,
if you want to take a swing,

whatever you gotta do
to make this right between us,

I completely understand.

I'm not fucking doing the asteroid movie.

Have you been up all night?


It's done.

Oh, my God.

Patrick? Read this.

Yeah, yeah, I'm on it.

No, I really want you to read this.

Come on, Daisy, just give me the gist.

When's the last time
you actually read a whole script?

Read? I don't need to read, Daisy.

I have an agile mind.

Do you even like movies?

When's the last time you actually
sat through a whole movie?

1997, Titanic.
Way too long.

Spoiler alert... the boat sinks.

Patrick, I have never
asked you for anything,

and now I'm asking you to do something.

Just fucking read it, okay?


Today's gonna be
our last session, all right?

I just need you to know that.

- Why?
- It's not about you.

All right? It's me.

Is it because you went crazy on TV?

Look, I'm gonna give you
the name of a colleague.

He's very, very good.

He's gonna... What's that?

I want you to read it.

It's not addressed to me.

If it says anything about why it happened,
I want you to tell me.

Is this what I think it is?

Does it say why?

You tell them the next
communication from them

better be an offer on the table,
or this is over.


No. I've heard it so much.
I'm done.

I'm done with them.
Do you understand? I'm done.

How you doing?

I saw you on TV.
That was dope.

Two sacks of dankness, please.

All right, word.

Wait, wait, wait.
What's that?

- What's what? This?
- Yeah.

- You don't want that.
- Why not? What is it?

Because that's some break-the-glass-
in-case-of-emergency type shit.

- And I don't...
- That sounds perfect.

- I don't...
- Yeah, I want this.



What's up?


Please wait.

- I was going to tell you.
- Tell me what?

That you were hanging out
with me for research?

I am your friend.
Can't you tell that?

I mean, it's all in there.

They're just words.

They don't mean anything.

You're in it, too.

I didn't know anything about this.

He must have read your...

I trusted you.

How fucking dare you?

That was my patient's file
you fucking stole, you dick.

- No, listen.
- What the fuck is the matter with you?

Listen to me. Listen.
Did you read it?

Did I read it?
What is this, a fucking workshop?

If you read it,
you might understand what l...

Damn you, son of a...


You all right, J?

- No.
- Jesus.

- Come on, man, I got you.
- Fucking Christ.


Punched by Pablo Escobar.
Jesus Christ.

Hope you have a nice career, you cunt.

Get the fuck out of here, asshole.

No, no, no.
Don't say that.

- Who was that guy?
- He's my godbrother.



Hey, man. Fuck.

Fucking Christmas in Vietnam.

- What?
- That's what we smoked.

I smoked them, too.

They were fucking laced in embalming fluid.

Man, I'm...

I'm sorry. I didn't...

I didn't know.


Are you mad at me?


I appreciate that.

Yeah, no worries.

What are you doing here?

I found you.

I rode in the ambulance.

I think they have me on a lot of drugs.

You're on some painkillers.

You fell pretty hard.

I fell?

I don't remember.

You also have a lot of toxins in your system.

Yeah, embalming fluid.

That was my bad.
I'm sorry about that.

I love your work, though.

Where's August?

Caroline gave him to me.


"Happiness" is a word for a feeling.

Feelings are rarely understood
in the moment.

They are quickly forgotten

and almost always mis-remembered.

"Dear Henry..."

You've been my assistant now

for, what, a little over a year?

No, two years, actually.

Last month was our anniversary.

What do you think of me?

I mean really.
What do you think of me?

I think... I think you have your moments.



Good. 'Cause you're fucking fired.


You're fucking fired.

Wow. No.

This is because I'm pregnant.

But you know what?

I promise my water
is not gonna break on you.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I have a scheduled C-section.

There's no chance...

You want to be a producer, right?

Yeah, but how would you know that?

I've never told you that.

I read all your emails
when you first started.

I didn't know I could trust you.


But now, I think when you
push that baby out,

it's time you start making your first film.

All right.

She in there?

Yeah, she's in there.

Excellent. Daisy?

- Yeah?
- Please listen.

- Okay.
- When you are a producer,

and you wish to hire one of my clients,
I'm gonna take you to the wall.

No hard feelings.

I am going to take you to the wall.

- Okay, yeah, no.
- Great.

Want to open the door?

Yeah, of course.

You don't have to.
You're fucking fired.

No, I just... Oh, God.

Thank you.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I have a meeting.
What the fuck are you doing here?


How's your face?

Feels worse than it looks.

Looks pretty awful.

Yeah. How's yours?

I almost died.

It's not your fault.

Come in. Welcome.
Have a seat.


Apparently, everybody knows
everybody here.

What is everyone doing here?

All will be revealed.

Have a seat.

This is some situation we got here.

- I'm really sorry.
- Look, no. It's my responsibility.

- You were right, Jemma.
- No, this is the worst thing I've ever done.

- Would you let me finish...
- I'm so...

It's good.

What's good?

This. This is good.

You think so?
You really think so?

I think what my client is trying to say

is we are making this movie.

You're what's-his-name.


Jack what?

- Holden.
- Jack Holden.

- Yeah.
- Jack.

You're a naughty boy, aren't you, Jack?

- Could be.
- Really?



Ten years ago,

that would've been a yes.

I would've been in fourth grade.

Ten years ago.


My daughter's in fourth grade.

Good-bye, bad girl.



She said you were out here.

Used to smoke a lot of weed out here.

What about now?

Not anymore.

That's good.

It's never gonna go away, is it?


But we're still here.

That's something.

Am I gonna see you again?

No, never.

You know where to find me.



Look, they're not gonna make me
share a fucking room, are they?

No, I got you a private suite.

It's the best one they got.

It's gonna be just like staying
at a fancy hotel for a couple of months.

Without the minibar.

I don't want to see you anymore.


Special thanks to SergeiK.