The Brothers Solomon Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The Brothers Solomon script is here for all you fans of the Will Arnett and Will Forte movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some The Brothers Solomon quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

The Brothers Solomon Script

Okay. How do we start?

- A picture would be good.
- Right.

But we should use one
where we're smiling.


"Two male brothers... "

Male? That's implied through
the word "brothers. "

I know, I just think that we should be
ultra-clear on this.

About ourselves.
What's there to tell?

Describe ourselves.

- What's the word?
- Duper?

That's it.

Okay, what's the most
we could hope for?

Oh, I got this one.

- Awesome.
- This is gonna be great.


- Can I write a check?
- You're already taken care of.

"Taken care of"? By who?

I watched you at work in here.
I must say I am more than impressed.


Thank you very much,
but I really can't accept this.

Can't accept what?
Your own groceries?

These are yours. I don't own them.

All I own is the opportunity... come in contact with such
a well-rounded and fun person.

- Should we go to your car?
- No. Thank you.

I don't mean to be rude,
but I bought your groceries.

If you don't leave me alone...

...I'll call security
and they'll kick you out.

You're fighting an uphill battle.

I'm a taxpayer, therefore I can
stand wherever I want.

Taxpayers can stand
where they want.

- Security!
- Security!

You can't block the door.
I don't care how much tax you pay.

Okay, you can do this.
Don't think about past defeats.

Gotta impress her parents,
gotta make a good impression.

Hi, Dean.

I'm so relieved,
you look just like your picture.

Thank you. It's nice to meet you.

That's so sweet.
I want you to meet my dad. Come on.

It's nice to meet you, sir.

Well, I followed your advice
to the letter...

...and everything seemed
to be going great.

But then when I went in
for the kiss...

...he got very standoffish, very cold.

I'm sorry.

Do you think I did
something wrong?

By expressing the greatest respect
you can show a woman's father?

- That can never be wrong.
- Yeah.

So did you go to the store?

Yup. Spent like 200 bucks.

Get any numbers?

No. But I did manage
to get thrown in store jail.


Yeah. Apparently, in the store's eyes,
I was annoying the customers.

Did they know you're current
on your taxes?

- They knew.
- And they still locked you up?

Well, I guess I don't understand
the dating scene.

I know.

It really is a mystery to me.

But you know what?
We've got nothing to be sorry about.

I did the best job I could
at being me today, and so did you.

I love learning from you.

And I love teaching you.

First message, sent today at 1743.

I switched it to military time.

That's great.

This is Dr. Mettler from
the Arctic Ice Data Bank...

...calling again about
those core-sample reports.

I'm on it.

About 10 degrees.

Second message,
sent today at 1143.

Hey, this is Jim
from Movie Time Video.

I'm just calling to remind you...

...that you still owe us $in late charges for Ulee's Gold.

Great, now the video store
is pissed.

Third message, sent today at 2043.

"2043." I love it.

Yeah, it's like space time.

Dean, John, this is your father.

I'm down at
Ajax Community Hospital.

I was feeling sick
so I came in for a few tests...

...and I'm afraid I have
some bad news.

Devastating news, actually.

I just want you boys to know
how much I love you...

...and how proud I am of you both.

Please come as soon
as you possibly can.

Oh, my God.

We just found out our father's dealing
with medical issues, possibly dying... we need to dispute this
late charge quickly. Do you mind if...?

- Go ahead.
- Great.

Have a movie time.

We got a call about late charges for
Ulee's Gold but we paid them already.

What's your last name?

We don't have time for this! Our fa...
Solomon. Solomon!

- Says you're paid. Don't worry about it.
- Great! Thank you.

In fact... says you have credit for a movie.
If you like movies.

You can't park that here.


Oh, Dad.

He seemed to be doing fine...

...and then, like 10 minutes ago,
he lapsed into the coma.

Well, not even 10 minutes.
More like seven.

Or even six.

We got here as soon as we could.

- It's not good.
- His coma?

No, his coma's fine.
It's a strong coma.

That's not surprising.
Dad does everything all the way.

He's amazing.

He can take even the most negative
thing and turn it into a positive.

He's definitely looking at this situation
right now as being half alive.

Yes, he seemed very upbeat
for a man slipping into a coma.

He told me how very proud he was
of both of you...

...of his work for the government...

...of the story of meeting your mother,
and of her tragic death.

He told you all that?

He spoke very fast. Remarkable man,
with very few regrets.

"Few regrets"?

Try no regrets.

No, he said something about
how he wished he could live... see his first grandchild, or...

I forget how he said it.

You know, if you'd been here, like,
five, even four minutes earlier...

We're very aware of the time line.

Hi, Dad.

Looking good.

Looking real good.

It's too bad there aren't, like,
coma pageants.

Right, John?

- John?
- Sorry.

I was thinking about
what Dr. Wong said.

John, Dad would've wanted us
to dispute that late charge.

No, not about the late charge.
About the grandchild thing.

Look, it's not an exact science...

...but sometimes people hang on...

...if they have a milestone
to look forward to.


Yes. Like an anniversary,
or a birthday, or a...

Or a baby being made for you?

Well, maybe.

Wait. How are we supposed to
make a baby?

I mean, we don't have the best of luck
with women, John.

Dean, I know that.

But before, we were trying
to enter women for ourselves.

This time,
we'd be entering women for Dad.

Hands in.

"Make a baby for Dad" on three.

One, two, three.

Make a baby for Dad!

You have got a nice face.

Thank you.

- Sure makes up for that body.
- What?

No. No, no, no.
I'm saying that your face... makes up for your body.

Thank you.

Hey, you've got something right...
Right... No. You know what?


I gotta be honest, Erica.
I'm really feeling a connection here.

I mean, you're beautiful,
impeccable dresser...

...great personality, nice hair, fat,
great smile, smell good...

Have you ever heard of the phrase
"More cushion for the pushin"'?

Yeah, why?

Because you got it, lady.
Here, lift up your napkin for a sec.

Yep, you've got it.

There it is. There it is.

Are you ovulating right now?

This is our first date
and that's none of your business.

I'm about to make it my business.


Make me the happiest man
in the world...

...and marry me.

Are you joking?

I know. Isn't it great?


What do you say we get out of here,
and I go put a baby in you?

Well, I don't...

No strings attached.

You have no idea how long I've been
wanting to have a baby like this.

I mean, this is like
a dream come true.

For me too.

A no-strings-attached situation
in which I can carry a baby to term...

...have it and then give it
to two wonderful people.

- It's great.
- Awesome!

You know what? I'm gonna deliver
this baby to you on a silver platter.

One hundred percent...

So she got hit by a bus, huh?

Poor girl.

Yeah, the bus took
a pretty serious hit too.

I mean, she was a large girl.
Comfortably in the 200s.

Oh, my God. Sounds horrible.


So how was your date?


...wasn't exactly an A-plus.

More like an A.

But don't worry.

I'm not giving up just yet.

Still a lot more fight
left in this old bulldog.

God, this thing is gonna be
harder than we thought.

Come on, Dean.
Don't think like that.

I mean, yeah, we're gonna have to
make some sacrifices.

But think about all the sacrifices
that Dad made for us.

Remember that Christmas
Mom died?

Dad told us we could have
anything we wanted.

Where does Santa live?

He lives at the North Pole.

I wanna live at the North Pole.

Me too.

And what did Dad do?

He took us to the North Pole
and raised us there.

And when we were teenagers
and needed a date for prom?

Dad went out searching for the most
beautiful women within 100 miles.

He almost died.

But the women he found!


Oh, Qiqirn.

The times we had.

John, I am completely
back on board.

I can't believe I ever thought
of giving up.

Dean, don't be so hard on yourself.

- You just said "hard on. "
- I know.

Dr. Wong called and said
we should start looking...

...for long-term-care facilities
for Dad.

I guess the hospital kicks him out
after a certain point.

Really? Well, I wouldn't
worry about it.

Because while you were telling me
that, I found the perfect place.

Really? Where?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

- Hi. Delivery for John Solomon.
- He's not here right now.

- Sign here.
- Okay.

Thank you.

Bring it on in.

All right, this thing here
is a dialysis machine.

That's for the... The kidneys.

These are defibrillator paddles.

If the EKG shows a flatline, rub them
together, put them on the chest and:

Heart should get going again.

There's more to know about that.
Probably take a class or something.

That's coagulants
and anti-coagulants.

This is a blue thing.

The ventilator, oxy tank
and a couple intubation trays.

Have your nurse hook those up.
You have a nurse, right?

Yeah. Okay.

Hold the elevator, please!

Visiting someone on seven?


Check it out?

Stroll it.

No, I live there.

You do not. You absolutely do not.
Where on seven?

- 704.
- What?

I am 703.

You ever like to go out for drinks?
Unwind after a long day?

- No.
- Nor do I.

Dad's here!

Yeah, thanks for telling me.

I wanted you to be surprised.

Well, I was surprised.

By how you once again made
the best possible decision.

This is great.

I thought he'd be better off here
than some medical shithole.

So much better off.

And because of a factory recall,
I got a great price on the machines.

Yeah, there might be some flaws in
some of these, only time's gonna tell...

...but flaws equal savings.

Everywhere you look, a positive.

Plus, I got a ton of medical books
highly recommended by Dr. Wang.

- You mean Dr. Wong.
- Dr. Wang.

This dentist I met at Barnes & Noble.
Really knows his shit.

Oh, God. I have some really exciting
news to tell you about.

What? What?

Okay, okay. I just met the most...

Is there any way to turn
Dad's machines down?

I tried earlier but there doesn't seem
to be a volume switch on them.

At least that I can find.

All right, it's just very distracting.


I just met the most gorgeous woman
I've ever seen. Guess where she lives.

- 704.
- 704? Oh, my God.

You gotta see her.
She is amazing.

Tall, super-skinny,
infectious spirit. She...

Crap. You get the circuit breaker,
I'll revive Dad.

Okay. Here I go.


- Did you get him?
- I got him. He's back.

Nice job.

I guess we were using
too much power.

Maybe we should turn off
some lights.

All right. Yeah. That'll be good.

Do you think it's safe
to turn the TV back on?

I think it's safe.

See, with all these lights off,
I think you're totally fine. You can do...

Shit balls!

I'll be right there.



Ken, hi.

Hi. Can I help you?


Of the elevator and 703 fame.

Just wanted to invite you to a lit...

Sorry, if you can just...

Invite you to a little
romantic hallway dinner.

We already have dinner plans.

Well, you know what? I do this
all the time, so I'll get you next time.

We should go.

I'm starving.

You guys look really nice.

Who wants bubbly?

- Enjoy your dinner, sport.
- Already am.

You guys want some?

Excuse me.

Champagne does it to me.

I think we maybe need to
broaden our search to include...

...less conventional methods
of having a baby.

Like anal?

Well, I was thinking more along
the lines of adoption.

But isn't adoption kind of cheating?

Look, we just gotta step it up, and that
means exploring every possibility.


You do realize that adoption is
a huge commitment.

We're ready.

So are you married
or just a long-term couple?

We're not gay. We're brothers.

So which of you will have custody?

We're gonna tag-team.

I'm afraid that's not an option.

Unless you're married, one of you
needs to have full legal custody.

Well, in that case,
I guess it'll have to be Dean.


Can we have a moment, please?

- Thanks a lot.
- You're welcome.

No, I was being facetious.
I do not want this responsibility.

You would be better at this
than me.

What? I'm gonna be
a horrible father.

- You're not.
- Much worse than you.

Well, I mean, what if we get this kid
and it just sucks?

We return it.

- You can do that?
- Of course.

- Why don't you just do it?
- I have bad credit.

Two questions for you.

One: What is your return policy?

Two: Will bad credit
fuck our chances to adopt?

There's no return policy.

And, yes, your financial situation is
of paramount importance.

Do you have any pictures of the kids?
Something that we can...?

Dean, how about that little guy?

No frigging way.
Under no circumstances.

He's got, like,
Bell's palsy or something.

That's my son.

I'm sorry.

Bell's palsy is the clinical term,
though, right?

He's clowning for the camera.

God's special little clown.

Get out.

- You look like the real deal.
- Thank you.

Wasn't a compliment.
Why'd you get that thing, anyway?

I don't know. I saw it on Craigslist
and I thought, "What the hell?"

- What's Craigslist?
- It's great.

It's this website that's
got everything:

Jobs, pets, cars, ice-dancing suits.
I mean, you can find anything there.

- Anything?
- Anything.

- Anything?
- Anything.

"Two brothers looking
to have baby.

Thank you. "

Okay. It's a little bare bones,
but if you like it, I can get behind it.

"Thank you. "


All right, so what do we do now?

Now we just sit here and wait.

I almost forgot. This suit does
something a little unexpected.

Check this out.

All ri...

Nice doggy.

Hold the elevator!

We have gotta stop
meeting like this.

People are gonna start to talk.

Got a new generator.

Looks like it's already generating
some heat.

I gotta go get my mail.

Cool, I'll hold the elevates for you.

Please don't.

John? John, is that you?

Get in here!
Craigslist came through!

- We got a response?
- Yeah.

Her name is Janine
and she totally wants to do it.

I mean, there's one little catch.

I knew it. What is it?

She wants $ 10,000.

Ten thousand dollars?

There is a huge demand for babies
right now. It's a seller's market.

Okay, well,
I'll give this Janine a call.

But I might try a little negotiation.

Janine. Hi, it's John and Dean
from the Craigslist.

Let me just start by saying how happy
we are to have a baby with you and...

Well, we were thinking
something in the $20 range.

Won't budge off the 10 thou?

Okay, well, then I am gonna
have to counter with $25.

Forty dollars. Fifty.



Twelve thousand dollars it is.

Great, bye-bye.

Twelve thousand dollars?

Yeah, she really brought
her A game.

But you know what? Who cares?
You know what this means, right?

- We're having a baby!
- We're having a baby!

You got your
defibrillator paddles there.

And heart machine.

This is...

...a blue medical machine.

This is, you know...

That's a dialysis machine
for the kidneys.

And if you wanna watch TV
or something...

...just throw on the generator,
you'll have power!

Dean, we're gonna be super late.
Come on.

Wait. You go comedy and drama,
I'm gonna go action and foreign.

Let me start by saying...

- You got the money?
- Yes.

So I guess I'll go first.

Wait, I would like to go first.

Relax. We're gonna get
multiple shots here.

What do you mean by
"multiple shots"?

Well, egg fertilization is
a quantity game.

So our plan is to literally blanket
your ovarian walls with our sperm.

We'll each make love to you
until one of our seeds sticks.

Not at the same time.
Taking turns.

- Yes. Yes. John, then me.
- Guys, wait.

- Then Dean, then me.
- Guys.

- Then Dean, then me.
- Then lunch.

Then me, then Dean, then me.
I can't wait to feel myself inside of you.


The only thing you're gonna feel
yourself inside of is a cold Dixie cup.

Well, that certainly doesn't make
your vagina sound very appealing.

I'm not talking about my vagina.

I'm talking about
artificial insemination.

I see.

A scientist gets to do all the fun stuff
and we get stuck with the frigging bill.

Well, that sounds fair.

Janine, we are spending
a lot of money here.

Shouldn't we get
something out of it?

Yeah, you get a baby out of it.

That is a good point.


Okay. So I made an appointment at
the sperm bank for tomorrow at 3:00.

- Good times.
- Awesome.

Janine, what the hell is going on
in there? I heard guys.

- Who's that?
- It's my ex-boyfriend, James.

James, I thought we agreed
we were taking a break.

And you already seeing other people?
Who the fuck are these guys?

Hi, James, it's me, John.

And I'm his brother, Dean.
It's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

The fuck you doing in there?!

No, James, it's okay.

We're just working out a plan
in which Janine is having our baby.

Yeah, we're all very excited
about it.

Oh, yeah. I'm getting excited
just hearing about it.

Hey, I got an idea. Why don't the
three of us get together sometime?

That way you can get to know me
and I can beat the shit out of you.

James, you better cool it or I'm gonna
call the cops. You want me to do that?

Baby, what you talking about?
I just wanna talk.

Okay, fine.

Wait, can we vote on this?

- I vote no.
- "No" here too.

Looks like the "no's" have it.
Seems like a democratic...


- Have you been crying?
- No.

You poor thing.
Let me get you some tissues.


So which one of you two assholes
is having a baby with my girl?

- I am.
- I am.

How did you two meet?

Chat room, motherfucker.

So...'re a janitor?

That's right. I'm a black man
so I must be a janitor.

Motherfucking racist-ass

It's just, you're...

...wearing a...

...janitor's outfit.

So a black man can't just go
in a thrift shop...

...and buy a janitor's outfit because
he find it comfortable on his nuts.

No, he can.

Especially a black man.

What do you do?

I'm a janitor.

Baby, why you even doing this?

They need a baby, I need the money.
It's that simple.

Okay, so we're gonna go.
Give you guys some privacy and...

We got a big day ahead of us
tomorrow at the sperm bank.

We're gonna need all our energy
for that trip to the...

Don't you fucking say
"sperm bank. "

- Fluid...


James, I think you should leave too.

- Can we give you a ride somewhere?
- Ain't that a bitch?

So because I'm a black man...

...automatically I ain't got
no goddamn car.

The more I think about
our trip to the..., the more excited I get.

Dean, I need you to promise me that
you're not gonna... yourself off tonight.

We're gonna need every drop of...

...we can muster for tomorrow's trip
to the... bank.

Yeah, well, it's essential that
we fill Janine's... to the tippity-top...

...with all the pearly white s... erm
we can conjure up.

If you two don't shut the fuck up,
I'm gonna beat the living...

...out your fucking...

My place over there.

That's your house? It's beautiful.

Surprised? I guess I should be
living in the ghetto.

I think Dean's surprised you live in
a nice house, because you're a janitor.


But you wouldn't be as surprised
if I was a white janitor.

Not as surprised.

He really scares me.

When you're done, leave the cups
and an attendant will collect them.

We're not expected to fill
this whole thing, right?

Just do whatever you can.

Okay, good.
I had kind of a big morning.

I thought we promised we were
gonna hold off till this afternoon.

Well, I'm sorry, but there was a
Laverne & Shirley marathon on TV...

...and I, you know, was weak.

Well, I hope, for your sake,
that you are multi-orgasmic.

Well, I am. I swear.

I am like the semen equivalent
of the Energizer Bunny.

- I can have so many orga...
- She gets it.

So these are your rooms and
over here is our magazine selection.

I'll leave you two alone
to make your decision.

Okay, so I guess we got sort of
a breast theme there...

...and that has more of a focus
on the vagina there.

But there's vaginal stuff
in the breast one, right?

Yeah, there's plenty of crossover,
I'm sure.

Don't worry, none of these are gonna
give short shrift to the vagina.

- So wait, where were we?
- Jug Junkies.

Right, breasts, vagina, senior vaginal,
teen vaginal, housewife anal...

How'd that get there?

What are you doing here,
little lady?

All right, you go ahead
and pick first.

Let's see.

Dean going for
the Indigenous Weekly.

Gotcha. J.K. I know that you
probably want this one.

Indigenous Weekly back in play.

I don't want it.

Let's see... This.

Okay. All right, well,
as tempted as I am to get that...


I'm gonna take the Jizz Junkies.

Okay. So bombs away.


Well, we finished the procedure.

Janine will be out in a minute.
In a week we'll know if it worked.

So whose sperm was used?

Well, we went in with
your specimen, John.

Oh, really?

But unfortunately there was
no motility in your sperm.

- I'm sterile?
- Basically.


So we went with Dean's sperm.

Well, we'll see who's laughing...

...when they spend zero dollars
at the condom store.

Well, I have your results here...

...and I want you to know that
what I am about to tell you...

...has been double-checked
by the lab.

I guess you just never know how
you're gonna react in that situation.

I just got so excited.
I mean, we're gonna be dads!

I know.

Wait, why the hell's it so quiet?


Wait a... I think this thing's still on.

These are on too.

I think they're all still on.

- Dad's okay?
- Yeah.

What the hell?

Hey. I was just using
your bathroom.

Your friend had to go back
to the video store... he asked me
to watch your dad.

I hope you don't mind, I turned down
the volume on the machines.

They have volume switches?

Yeah. Inside the back plates.

Crap, is the generator on?
The microwave...

Relax. I rerouted the electricity.

I hope you don't mind, but I helped
myself to some of your chili.

Tara, you need to know something.

Our chili... your chili.

- Thank you.
- No...

...thank you for watching our dad.

No problem.

About that...

Do you guys know anything
about vascular pumps...

...or EKGs or any of
this equipment?

- Very much. Much. Very, very much.
- Much. Much, much, much.

Well, I'm training to be a nurse.

What an arousingly selfless pursuit.

Anyway, if you guys need any help,
you know...

...I need to watch an intensive-care
patient for three months.

So if you were across the hall from me,
it would save me a lot of hassle.

- Deal.
- Great.

And, as payment, I will take you
on a series of nighttime dates.

No, that's okay.

I should go.

Do you mind if I take this chili
and bring back the bowl later?

- Just keep the bowl.
- Thank you.

No. No.

That is our chili bowl...

...and you will bring it back.



Oh, my God!

So, what was with the bowl thing?

Why take away a reason for her
to come back to our apartment?

If she falls in love with this place...'s only a matter of time
before she falls in love...

...with this place.

And then...

...this place.


Of course she should return
the chili bowl.

What do you think?
Should we tell Dad the good news?


Dad? You've always given us
everything we've ever wanted.

And now it's payback time.

Dad, you're gonna be
a grandfather.

But, Dad...

...we need a little something
from you.

We need you to stay alive
for nine more months.

We know you can do it...

...because you can do anything
that you put your mind to.


Look who's in the hot tub.

That's good news for both of us.

I was actually just getting out.

Talk about a wet dream.

You know, you don't have to tell me
each time one of those happens.

This was a different kind of wet.

But every bit as satisfying.

Birthday, birthday, birthday

Someone's having a birthday

A day of joy and mirth day

Because it's Jennifer's birthday

Happy birthday, Jennifer.


Happy birthday to Tiffany.

A toast to the baby.

You can't toast our future baby
with water.

I can't have alcohol if I'm pregnant.

Bingo. That's baby-smart.

Dart it up?

I wish you could've seen our dad's face
when we told him about the baby.

It was priceless.

It's really sweet that you guys are
so close to your dad.

Yeah. Our dad is the best.

I mean, when Mom died,
could've really messed us up.

But he worked hard to raise us like
every other kid in a two-parent family.

You know, homeschooling,
puppetry-based sex education...

...friendship simulations, the works.

I mean, don't get me wrong,
I'm not happy that my mom died.

Just, it's because of her grisly death
that we turned out the way we did.

- You owe me $5.
- No, I don't.

That is clearly within two inches
of your nose.

This is in my nose.

Okay. So I guess your nose isn't
within two inches of your nose.

You're right. Here is $5.
Congratulations on a good win.

Thank you.

Well, your dad certainly
gave you guys a positive outlook.

Wish some of that
would rub off on James.

Don't worry about it.
James'll be fine. I'm sure...

The cocksucking newspaper machine
ate my motherfucking quarter, man.

What the fuck?

First trimester.

And that's the nose and mouth,
and there's an eye right there.


Now, should we be concerned at all
that we only saw one eye?

No, I'm sure the other eye is fine.

How sure? A hundred percent?

Well, I suppose
anything's possible.

So there's at least a small chance
we're dealing with a Cyclops.

Well, a Cyclops is
a mythical creature, so no.

- Thank God.
- My God. Check it out, guys.

I'm about to give birth
to an ice cream sandwich.

I just felt it kick.

Are you guys sure
you're ready for this?

Being a dad is a big deal.

You should be prepared.
Maybe spend some time around kids.

Don't you worry, Janine.
We have a plan.

And by the time you poop that thing
out of your baby hole...

...we'll be so prepared,
you won't even recognize us.

We'll be ready.

They're so cute,
I just wanna hug them all to death.

I just wanna squeeze the life
out of them.

Yeah, you might wanna control that.


Okay, Jenny, one more trip
down the slide. Just one.

Hello, young lady.
Wanna go get some ice cream?

- Yeah.
- Great, let's go!

- What do you think you're doing?
- Getting ice cream. Wanna join?

No, and my daughter
doesn't wanna join either.

Actually, she does wanna join.

Yeah, Mommy, I want ice cream.

Are we done here?

- Jenny, come with Mommy.
- I want ice cream.

Come with Mommy.

Hey, Jenny, if you change your mind,
we'll be here in this car.

Nice. Reserve the option for later.

Look at the tits on that one.

Yeah. He needs to lose
a few pounds.

Did you know childhood obesity is
the number one cause...?


Hello, officer. One second, please.

It's the number one cause
of early-onset diabetes.

You know what?
I think I did know that.

What can we do for you?

We've had complaints.
Can I ask you what you're doing here?

Trying to coax that girl into our car,
but her mom's being a pain in the ass.

We're just kind of waiting
for an opening.

Get her by herself.

And what is your badge number?

Great. See you in court.

Or should I say "sue you in court. "

And please relay that message
to 924, 946, and 955.

Hello, Janine.

Glad you took what I said to heart.

- We took it very to heart.
- Extremely to heart.

You guys just can't practice
on somebody else's kid.

I know how badly you guys want this,
but wanting it badly just isn't enough.

Do you guys even know
the first thing about raising a child?

Have you read any books
or done any research?


But, I mean...

- The cavemen didn't read any books.
- He's got a point.

The infant mortality rate back then
was, like, 80 percent.

Well, that's pretty good.

No, that means 80 percent died.

- I went the other way with it.
- This isn't a joke.

I'm not joking, I seriously went
the other way with it.

If you guys are gonna do this... have to stop making decisions
a head-trauma patient would make...

...and start making decisions
that a parent would make.

I'll take that into consideration.

- That's not good enough.
- Then we'll heavily consider it.

Can we focus?

Guys. This baby is inside of me,
which means I have some say in this.

If I don't think the two of you
can handle this... will never even lay eyes
on this child. Got it?


Got it.


Hands in.

"Become kick-ass dads," on three.

One, two, three.

- Become kick-ass dads!
- Become kick-ass dads!

It's all right, you told them, baby.

Second trimester.

The baby's lost
and you gotta find it. Go.

- Fifteen seconds.
- Where are you?!

Dean, you gotta find that baby!

Got it, got it! How'd I do?

- Fifty-four seconds.
- Nice.

- Yeah, I think it died.
- Crap.

Keep your chin up.

Bound to lose a baby or two
along the way.

I love you.

- Are you ready?
- Yeah.

It's not always gonna tell us when it's
gonna jump. Gotta think about that.

There you go again,
making me a better person.

Good one, Dean.

Looks like someone's diaper's full.

It crapped out, like,
$5 in quarters. What the hell?

I thought it'd be good
to condition our brains... view diaper-changing
as a positive experience.


A friendship bracelet.

Chicken fingers.

And hot mustard sauce.


That's not all.

What the hell? I was just starting
to get comfortable with it.

Yeah. I noticed.

What is that supposed to mean?

It's important to get comfortable,
but not too comfortable.

So now I'm too comfortable?

Look, Dean, this is not a game.

We're gonna see some shit
we've never seen before.

Odd combos like
popcorn and dead bird...

...are gonna seem
like sugar and spice.

Just don't get too close.


I love you too. Apology accepted.

Ready to see a fully
baby-proofed apartment?

It's called the Super Baby Mat.

It rolls right up and stores
right under the cupboard.

Hey, guys.

Check out the nursery.

This is really nice.

What the fuck is that?

That the fuck is the crib.

The safest place in the house.

Dean, a demonstration.

Look out!

See? Not a shard of glass
gets through.

Been doing some diaper training,
I see.

Yeah, that's Snickers.

Does not smell like Snickers.

No, Snickers is the name
of our neighbor's dog.


I can't really talk right now.
Baby's sleeping.

It can hear me talking
through my chest cavity.

Really good to see you.

- Third trimester.
- Third trimester.

Looking good.
It's got all its fingers and toes.

Should be very happy.

I'll give you four a moment.

Hey, you guys wanna see how that
ice cream sandwich is progressing?

What is that?

I got this last week.
It's one of those temporary ones.

Just comes off after
a few laser sessions.

I'm walking into the apartment now.

I can still hear you.

- Great.
- Hey, Tara.

Hi from the car, Tara.

The inter-apartment
communication system is a go.

Roger that.
Tell her the news, good buddy.

Oh, yeah. Tara, great news.

The ultrasound went really well,
so we're going to a celebratory movie.

And Janine has offered to look
after Dad so you can come with us.

I have a book I want to finish.

Are you sure? I could hold your hand
on the way to and during the movie.

No. Just go.

Okay. Janine, looks like you back in.
Shall we?

I'm gonna use the bathroom.
I'll meet you down in the car.

Okay. Bye, Tara.

Bathroom's down the hall.

Yeah, I know. Look, I know you think
they're just a couple of losers.

That's what I thought too, but once
you know them, they're great guys.

And I know they do
some weird stuff sometimes...

Actually, all the time.

But their heart's in the right place.
So, what do you say?


Great. You'll go to the movie.

No, I meant, yeah, I think
they're just a couple of losers.


Enjoy your book.

This is all about encouragement
and relaxation.

- Just do it with me.
- So partners, guide the mothers.

Help them focus.

- Faster, faster.
- Breathe together.

You gotta pace it up.

Don't listen to a word John says.

Keep it slower.
Shoot for one breath a minute.

Calm down. You heard the bitch say
to relax. Calm the fuck down!

Do you have to swear, honey?

- Keep it slow.
- No, you fucking it up.

Guys, this is not fair to a...
This is... Guys!

Cut that shit out!

Very good, guys. That was great.
That's our class.

I'll see you guys next week.
Thank you.

Hey, class?
Look who brought their new baby.

- Welcome back, guys.
- Thank you.

Hey everybody. This is Tyler.

- Any advice for the mothers-to-be?
- Get an epidural.


What can I say?
It's the most magical moment.

It's just wonderful. I mean,
the first time you see this little guy...

And it's like you're looking
at a little part of you, you know?

I'm sorry.
Every time I talk about it, I get...

It's just so powerful.

You will see.

So does anybody want to
meet this little fellow?

Fuck it.
I'll meet that little motherfucker.

Guess I'll meet
the motherfucker. Sure.

- Should we? Think so?
- Yeah.

Honey, I'm gonna go get the car.

- Surprise!
- Surprise!

Ultrasound picture.

Thank you.

That's really sweet. Thank you.

No, thank you.

We are already
so attached to this baby.

And it's been inside you
eight months.

I can't imagine how attached
you must be at this point.

And in two weeks it's gonna be
taken from your body...

...and immediately placed
in our arms.

I can see why so many surrogates
wanna keep their babies.

And your body could stop
producing eggs or something.

That happens all the time.

And knowing there's
even a chance...

...this could be your only child,
and you're giving it to us?

Well, a framed picture of the
very precious thing you're giving up... the least we could do. Thanks.

You know, I could stop by every now
and then and help out. I don't mind.

Oh, no, no.
You've done more than enough.

- We will take it from here.
- Your work is done. Thanks.


Group hug?

John? What's the combination
to the fridge again?

27 left, 32 right, 25 left.

You know, I was thinking maybe we
should put some locks on the locks.

In case the baby learns
the combination to the original locks.

Hey, look at this.

It's a letter from Janine!

That's nice of her.


"Dear John and Dean,
I should start by saying...

...what great fathers
I think you're gonna be.

Never thought I'd say that
and mean it. " Hear that, Dad?

"After seeing your hard work
and dedication...

...I realize how badly you want it.

Unfortunately, last night you made me
realize just how badly I want it too.

It kills me to write this,
but I have decided to...

...keep the baby.

I hope one day you'll forgive me.
Janine. "

Oh, my God.

Let's get dressed, let's get dressed.
You're right.

Tara, could you watch our Dad for us?
We're going to find Janine.

She's not here.
Let's go to James' house.

- They're not here.
- I know!

So, what do we do now?


I was just watching your dad
and needed to use the bathroom.

- Did you find her?
- No.

But very thoughtful of you to ask.

If that thoughtful attitude you displayed
was the attitude of the world...

...there'd be no war.

I should go.

Well, have a fantastic

...and a great

How can you be so nonchalant
about this?

Because I know that if this doesn't
work out, we have other options.

We have dick.

No, we do not have dick.
We have Tara. Well, I have Tara.


It's about time I took this thing
with Tara to the next level.

She's not into you, John.


She's not into you.
Can't you see that?

You're just jealous of what we have.

Jealous of what you have?

I already have what you have:

She thinks you're a loser.

Oh, really? And how did you come up
with your expert analysis?

From your combined total of five hours
of relationship experience?

Because I heard her say it.


I overheard Tara talking to Janine.

She thinks you're a loser.

I mean, she thinks
we're both losers.

You know what? Maybe she's right.

Maybe all that stuff that Dad
used to say was just bullshit.

And we're just too big of losers
to know it.


So I've always been such a loser?

I guess I was a huge loser...

...when I was voted our school's
goddamn homecoming king!

- We were homeschooled.
- You're just upset because I beat you!

- You tied me.
- And I won the tiebreaker.

Fine, you won.
You're less of a loser than me.

But you're still a loser.

Well, if I'm such a loser,
maybe you'd be better off without me.

Yeah. Maybe I would.

Good. Because you know what?
I'll find her faster on my own anyway.

Well, I certainly wouldn't wanna
slow you down.

Then maybe I should
get the hell out of here.

Yeah. Maybe you should.

- Fine. Have a nice life.
- I will!

Good, I hope you don't die!



I am so proud of you.

Thanks, Pop.

Isn't he great?


Keep focused on
finding Janine, on three.

One. Two. Three.

Keep focused on finding Janine!

Oh, God.

That's strange.
My shower's running.

It's strange because I live alone.

Can I ask what you're doing here?

I saw a sign out front
that said "Room For Rent.


A bull-headed brother who sometimes
sticks his foot in his mouth. "

Yeah, well,
I'm afraid you're too late.

There's already a bull-headed brother
who sticks his foot in his mouth...

...renting this apartment.

Oh, yeah? Who's that?

You're talking to him.

That's too bad.

Say, do you think there's enough room
for me to crash here...

...while I look for a place willing
to take a bull-headed brother...

...who sometimes sticks
his foot in his mouth...

...who's really, really sorry?

I don't know.

Two bull-headed brothers who
stick their feet in their mouth... one small apartment?

That doesn't sound like
it would work out.


How long are we talking?

Not very long.

Only the rest of my life.

How much you willing to pay?

Just all the money in the world.

Come here!

- God, I've missed you.
- I missed you too.

Hey, could I get you to
throw on a towel or something?

- You got it.
- Great.

- How's that?
- Great. Thank you.

Take a look in that mirror.

There's not a man on this earth
I'd rather have a baby with.

Hands in.

Towel off, get dressed and come up
with a plan to find Janine, on three.

One. Two. Three.

Towel off, get dressed and
come up with a plan to find Janine!

Wait, hold up.
We gotta get Tara to watch Dad.

Oh, yeah. Look, I'll do it.

No, no.
This is something I have to do.


Hey, Tara.
Can you watch our dad for us?

Yeah. Yeah, I can.

Great, thanks.

Wait a minute.

- That's it?
- Yeah, why?

You're not gonna ask me to dinner
or anything?

Dinner. Does sound good.

But no.

And also, I'm over you.

Burn! Facial! Suck it!

All right, let's game plan.

Between the two of us, we've already
searched every place she would be.

She could be anywhere.

I wish there was some way
to communicate with her...

...and say what we wanted to say
in a way which didn't threaten her.

Fortune cookies?

- Interesting idea, but...
- Flyers?

You're on the right track,
but I don't think we've hit it yet.

- Oh, my God.
- Let's go.

What a great and delicious idea.

Your engine cannot run on optimum
capability if there's no gas in the tank.

All right. We gotta get our message
through to Janine, but how?


- Oh, my God.
- I got it.

It was right in front of our face.

I got there a fraction of a second
after you did. It is so obvious.

Let's go.

- Where you going?
- The apple orchard is this way.

What does that
have to do with anything?

- What were you thinking?
- I'll tell you on the way. Let's go.

I can't believe they charged us
50 bucks a letter.

That's why we kept it short.

So, what do we do now?

We wait.

Oh, my God. I think I see it.

"Hi, my name is John. "

"And I'm his brother Dean. "


We've got a little situation here,
and, boy, could we use your help. "

"How can you help?

Well, sit back and relax,
we're about to tell you.

You can start by grabbing
a pen and paper... write down some information. "

"We'll give you a moment
to grab that paper and pen. "

"We are sorry if we didn't
give you enough time... get the necessary writing

...but we are under
serious space constraints...

...with this sky banner. "

"We are looking for a woman
named Janine Rice.

She is five-foot-eight,
blondish hair, blue eyes. "

"Oh, that really narrows it down. "

"Fine, Dean, then how
would you describe her?"

"Well, she just looks like a normal,
pretty American girl. "

"Oh, that's much better. "

"Janine is eight and a half months
pregnant with our baby.

Well, fine, Dean's.

I have a problem
with sperm motility...

...a subject Dean likes
to rub in my face. "

"Okay, let me get in here
for a second.

You make one little joke
about a guy's infertility...

...and suddenly you deserve
to be labeled a jerk... "

"On a sky banner that could
potentially be seen... 50,000 people?

That's fucking bullshit. "

"Dean, none of that matters
right now.

What matters most is that Janine sees
this sign, especially this next part. "

"So for those of you reading this...

...we need to ask you
for just one more favor. "

"Just in case Janine has
her back turned or something...

...and can't read the sign... "

"It would really be a big help
if we could get you to yell out:"

"'Janine, look in the sky. "'

- "'Janine, look in the sky. "'
- "'Janine, look in the sky!"'

Janine, look in the sky!

Janine, look in the sky!

Janine, look in the sky!

Think this maybe might work?

I think this definitely
maybe might work.

Janine, look in the sky!

Janine, look in the sky!


I think you need to
take a look at this.

"Janine, hopefully you're
reading this right now.

There's so much
we need to tell you.

We never meant to come
between you and the baby. "

"So we want you to keep the baby,
but we want you to keep us too.

Maybe if we had told you that in
the first place, you'd never have left.

Hopefully we're not too late. "

"Oh, my God.
John, are you crying?"

"No, I have something in my eye. "

"Anyways, please,
if you have any information...

...we are offering a reward of
500 doll hairs.

Just kidding, dollars. "

- "Nice. "
- "Thank you. "

What the hell? They cut off our...

Wait. Look!

You have one new message.
Message sent today at 1443.

Hey, my name's Matt
and I'm calling about the sky banner.

I wanna propose to my girlfriend...

...and I need the phone number
of the banner place.

I'm at 555-0183.

Oh, hey, Tara, we're home.

She loves that bathroom.

Well, we did our best.


And Dad knows that.

We got nothing to be ashamed of.

Hands in.

What should we do on this one?

I'm really kind of stumped, like...

I gotta be honest, I don't know
if I have anything left in me.

How about
"Janine's right behind us," on three?

- Oh, my God.
- Janine?

I had to use your bathroom.
I hope you don't mind.

After all, I'm peeing for five now.

That is, if the offer still stands.

Oh, my God. Do you mean it?



So you saw our sky banner?

Actually, James did.

Hey, guys.


All right. Yeah, all right, settle down.
Relax. Everybody back the fuck up.

I have a little something I've been
saving for a special occasion.

This is the perfect time to open it.
It doesn't get more special than this.

Hey there, little one. How are you?
We missed you so much.

Oh, here it is.

Oh, my God. My water just broke.

We gotta go. We gotta go, honey.
Come on! Let's go!

- We're having a baby!
- Quit blowing that!

We're having a baby!
Dean, we're having a baby!

Wait, wait! How are we gonna
get Dad to the hospital?

I'm on it.

911? Hurry, send an ambulance!
My father's dying!

We're having a baby!

- Hold it in!
- Keep it in there!

Suck it up there! Come on!
That's great! Don't breathe!

Just breathe, baby. Just breathe.

That's it.

Where's the fucking doctor?!

- She's ready, get the doctor.
- Hurry, she's having a baby!

- Here you go, sweetheart.
- How dilated is she?

Where's the doctor?
It's getting hot in here.

Oh, Jesus.
My bad, my bad, my bad.


- Look who's here!
- What the fuck?

Just trying to give Dad
a view of the birth.

There's too much blanket.

That's the sweet spot.

Okay. Let's do this thing.

Okay. Okay.
It's all right. It's all right.



- Push!
- It's crowning.

Push, Janine. Push, Janine.

One more push. One more.

That's good. That's good, baby.
That's good.

It's coming out!

Come on.

That's it.

The head is out. The head is out.

I see the head!

That's good, baby. It's all right.

One more big push, Janine. Come on.
One more big push.

That's it. Push hard. Push hard.
Look up.

There it is. Very good, Janine.

Congratulations, it's a boy.

You had a baby!

It's a baby! It came out of there!
We saw it! We saw it come out...

Now, that is one beautiful baby.

Can we show the baby to Dad?

Dad, I'd like to introduce you
to your new grandson.

Dad, he's got your eyes.

Okay, let's get a picture
of the happy family.

One, two, three.

And remember, put the bungee cord
around your wrist... when the baby does
a roof fall, no harm done.

All right.

But never leave the child
alone with the cord.

Where do I start? Hanging hazard,
potential tripping danger...

...autoerotic-asphyxiation risk...
- What?

Kids are starting really early
these days with that.

Listen, you might wanna change
that cord a couple times a year.

Otherwise, the elasticity goes to shit,
and that's your baby's ass, partner.

- Thanks, James.
- Thank you for your business.

Thank you. They said there were three
number one causes of child death.

What was the third one again?


It's okay, he's fine. He's in a coma.

I hope he lives.

Hope your baby doesn't die.

- Guard your baby with your life.
- Don't fuck up.

Thanks again.
- Sure.

Safety first, right?

I love you.

Who's that over there?

Who's this? That's grandpa.
Can you say "grandpa"?

He's not gonna be able to talk...


- No way!
- Holy fuck!

Dean. Don't swear.

Well, I'm sorry.

You never know how you'll react
when your baby says his first words.

Well, be careful.

Babies are like little sponges.



Didn't I tell you this motherfucker
was like a sponge?

- No, no, no. That's a bad word.
- Bad word.

No, no, that's okay.
Say the other word.

Say the other word.
Say the other word.

- The other word will make you happy.
- Say "grandpa. " Say "grandpa. "


Good boy.



- Dad?
- Dad?

Oh, my God.

Look. It's your grandson.

Holy shit.

Holy shit is right, Dad.

We used every lesson you ever
taught us to help get him for you.

He's a Solomon.
We even named him after you.

I'm so proud of you boys.

You did good.

Hands in.

"Solomon family," on three.

One, two, three. Solomon family!

Let's do this.

Head came off.

Okay, that wasn't good enough.

But the baby's still here.
What if it brought a friend?!

Let's do this!


It's nice to meet you, sir.

Tell all your friends to come on over.
It's the blue car. It's the fun car.

We'll be right here. Rain or shine.

Luckily, we're both wearing
rain coats.

Baby scramble.

Line it up!

So I guess herpes and gonorrhea
and AIDS aren't a problem for you.

That was not your five.

When my brother has a five
hanging in the wind...

...I don't leave it there.

Thank you.

He's not handicapped.


No, he's...

- Disabled?
- No.

- He's...
- Not fully cooked.

He's clowning for the camera.

God's special little clown.

Get out.

- Now?
- Now!

I told you.

- Does he want us to go?
- I don't know.

They're not making any noise.


Oh, my God.


Special thanks to SergeiK.