The Hammer Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The Hammer script is here for all you fans of the Adam Carolla movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some The Hammer quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

The Hammer Script


They say you should never

let go of your dreams.

But if your dream
is to be a Mouseketeer,

and you're 45,

you may wanna let that one go.

On the other hand,

if your dream's to be
a Wal-Mart greeter,

you can hang on to that baby

until, like, a year after you die.

Me, I don't even know
what my dream is.

But it's all right.
I got time.

I won't be turning 40 for another...

Ugh. I just turned 40.

Jerry, what are you doing?


Good morning, sweet pea.

No, it's not morning until the sun's up.

Oh. If you just get
your contractor's license,

you could set your own hours.


God damn it.

Oh, that's perfect, Speed Racer.

Happy birthday, Jerry.

Oh, Ozzie.
You shouldn't have, buddy.

What is it?

Is this that Clapton box set
I've been wanting?

Open it, man.
Open it.

It's for you.

Oh, a commuter mug.

- Just what I wanted.
- Happy birthday, man.

Thanks, buddy.

What you gonna do
for your birthday, Jerry?

Ah, thought I'd go to my crappy job

and get yelled at by my angry boss.

You did that last year.

Yeah, I know.

It's a Jerry Ferro tradition.

I bake a cake for you.

Do me a favor,

don't put the novelty candles
on it this year.

Yeah, why not?
It's funny.

No, it's not funny.

I almost blew a lung out
on those things.

And by the way,
who's the joke on?

I'm blowing snot all over the cake,

and then you eat three pieces?

Very funny.
You blew out, I eat the cake.

No, Ozzie, you're not listening.

It's not funny.

You're eating booger cake.

Morning, Mike.
Nice truck.

Yeah, you like it, Ferro?

You know, someday,
you get your own crew,

you might be able to upgrade
from your piece of shit.

Thanks, buddy.

I think this chicken's
gone south, Ozzie.

It's cactus.


It's good.

It's good if your plane
goes down in the desert,

but not if you can walk
to a supermarket.

What'd the old lady pack
for dessert, a pinecone?

What do you take of marriage, Jerry?

What do I take of marriage?

I'm not getting married
until I get health insurance.

Health insurance, then marriage.

That's my policy.

You just turned 40.

Yeah, but I'm not gonna do it like you.

Marriage, 30 kids,

with a wait-and-see approach
to health insurance.

Hey, you two get 10 minutes for lunch.
You're way behind on this wall.

Behind what?

Behind schedule, dipshit.

You know, Ferro,

you think you're smarter than everyone

'cause you got a quick tongue.

But you're just a grunt
working with illiterates,

amounting to nothing.

Leave him alone.

No, hablo retardo,
Speedy Gonzalez.

You know, you're lazy
even for a Mexican.

Hey, Nicaragua.

Oh, well, same difference, Sanchez.

Now come on, get back to work.


Nice try, assholes.

Mike, somebody threw a belt sander
at your windshield.


Mike, Mike, calm down.
It's the heat.

It's getting to both of us.

Yeah, you better run, you pussy.

And take the wetback with you!

Here, take this with you, too.

Got a little going away present for you.

How about that, huh?

Yeah, get the hell off
my job site, you pussy!

And take the beaner with you!
I hope the Minutemen get you!

Thanks for the mug, buddy.

I'll talk to Steve about getting you
some work around the gym.

See you.

Why don't you have me and Ozzie
come in here and spruce it up?

If you're looking for work,

why don't you just add another class?

You're still the people's choice.

That's not gonna help Ozzie.

I'm running a gym here,
not an unemployment agency.

Good job, Gus.
Good work.

Tree, can you give me
a couple of rounds?

Sure, Hammer.

Work it. Yeah.
Right there.

You training this guy?

Nah, I'm just babysitting him

till Manny gets back from Chicago.

Just like that. Just like that.

They call you the Hammer
'cause you're a handyman, huh?

First off, I'm not a handyman.
I'm a carpenter.

And secondly, you're gonna find out

why they call me the Hammer.

Jab. One-two.

Right there.

Punching angry, huh?

I got fired today.

Who's that guy?

That's Jerry Ferro.

Long lefty with some pop.

What's his class?

Uh, he does the evening class.

No, I mean what weight class.

He was light heavy.

Back in the day,
he was pretty good.

Work, work, work!

Yo, Hammer!

Come on, get your hammer
and get up here.

That's the same thing
that's gonna happen to Taylor.

Hi, fellas. Hey.
Wow, what've we got here?

Look at the sky, baby.


Who hangs a heavy bag
with toggle bolts?


God damn.

No, I mean,
you don't hang a heavy bag

with toggle bolts
right onto the dry wall.

You'd lag it into a ceiling joist.

A good fart would take this thing down.

Yo, man, you don't know shit

- about punching power, bitch.
- Yeah, but...

I do know something about toggle bolts.

You would use toggle bolts,
like, you're hanging,

like, a humming bird feeder,

a picture, or a mobile,

or like a wind chime,
or something like that.

One of those dream catchers.

North American Indians...

use these, uh...

You gotta...
You drill a pilot hole,

and, you know, I use half-inch,

but some guys use 5/8,
and you would...

I'm gonna take...
Take five. Take five.

How would you like to move
a few rounds with Malice Blake?

That sounds fantastic.

Perhaps later we could put
my balls in a vice.

Hundred bucks.

All right,

this guy's been known
to fall for a touch and go.

- Understand?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- You got the money?


Oh, it's on now, toggle bolt.

All right, all right, all right!

That's enough!
That's enough.

That was a slip, motherfucker!

Don't go saying you knocked
Malice Blake to the canvas.

Did you fellas see me knock
Malice Blake to the canvas?


Man, that's a slip.

Jerry, you still got it, man.

Thanks. Listen.

Someone's going to have to fix that bag.

Ozzie'll do it,

then Ozzie can check
all the rest of 'em, too,

otherwise you're gonna
have a lawsuit on your hands.

Don't worry about it.

You got a heavy left hand.

How come I haven't seen you before?

I teach the 6 P. M. class.

No, I mean I thought
I'd seen every pro in California.

Oh, I'm not a pro.

I just fought some
Golden Gloves, that's all.

So what are you?

Well, up until two hours ago,
I was a carpenter.

So you still have
your amateur status?

Not as a carpenter.

Listen, I'm taking a look

at some prospects tomorrow morning

for the Olympic trials.


No, no, that ship...

That ship sailed a long time ago.

Well, if you change your mind.

The address is on there.

You're Eddie Bell.

Last time I checked.

Jab, cross.

Step out with the jab,
little step with the jab,

and then poom!

Turn the hips.

Good job, Shelly.
Push off the back foot.

What is going on here, new girl?


The punch starts
in the ball of the back foot,

travels up the thigh,
through the shoulder,

and out the fist.

Look at your fist as a package

that needs to be delivered.

Now, look at your thigh
as the UPS truck.

Don't hit him with your arm.

Hit him with your thigh and your ass.

Right. Uh.

That was more of a golf cart,
but all right.

Stick your ass out,
suck your elbows in.

Are you trying to take a dump, Tony?

Good face, Jeff.

Come on. Yeah.

How'd you get your shiner?

Oh, let's just say a client
got a little out of hand.

I feel like prostitution
should be legal, you know?

I'm a lawyer.
Public defender.

Oh, yeah.
No, I figured that.

I'm just saying, apropos of nothing.

It's a victimless crime.

You know.

How'd you get yours?

Trick got out of hand
on Santa Monica Boulevard.

Punch with your hips, everybody.

Hey, Jerry.

What's going on, Jeff?

I'm entering my first tournament.


You've been boxing for like four weeks.

You think that's a good plan?

Oh, I'm ready for this one.

It's the Gay Games.

Yeah, but, Jeff, you're not gay.

No, no, but they don't check.
That's the beauty of it.

I figure I'll get a little
competitive experience, you know?

Kick a little ass.

I don't know, I've seen
some of those guys.

They're pretty ripped.

Come on, you think
I'm gonna lose to a guy

who enters the ring
to Barbara Streisand?

Uh, I think you'd lose
to Barbara Streisand.

Come on.

I've learned from the best.

Jerry? Jesus.

I mean, you refuse to get
a contractor's license,

but, what, you'll go be a punching bag

for a few extra bucks?

Ozzie and I quit today.

Well, Matt's an a-hole.

I take on two extra shifts,

and you quit your job?

I'm thinking about getting back
into competitive boxing.

What a great idea.

Come on, short stack,
it's my birthday.

Yeah, that's right, Jerry.

Another year has come and gone,

and you've done nothing.

You just quit your job!

You get another speeding ticket,

and I find a fucking maxi pad
in the coffee maker.

All right?

This isn't working, Jerry.

I knocked this guy out
in the first round.

Hey, Jerry the best boxer I know, man.

Yeah, I'm the only boxer you know,
but thanks, buddy.

Hey, it's true.

Alexis Arguello. Nicaragua!

Rosendo Álvarez. Nicaragua.

Ricardo Mayorga. Nicaragua!

Nicaragua numero uno.


You guys sure seem
to love Nicaragua

except for the part
where you risked your lives

not to live there anymore.

All right, but one round,
then you're going to bed.

- Oh!
- Oh!


Hey, Jerry, it's time to bed, man.

Big day tomorrow.

Good night, Jerry.

Good night, Oz.

Jerry! Jerry!

Wake up, man!

You're missing the tryout, man.

I'm gonna do
the Olympics next time.

Better watch out for me, Coach.

I got mad skills.

Pop! Pop! Pop! Bow!

You got the sound effects down.

Are you his legal guardian?

No. No, I'm a boxer.

This ain't no open call.

You have to be invited.

Eddie invited me himself.

Well, I guess he's getting desperate.

Who here knows how many gold medals

the United States boxing team has won

in the last two Olympics combined?


That's right. Uno!

Cuba has won nine.

Kazakhstan has won three.

I don't even know where that is.

France has won
as many gold medals

as the United States
in the last two Olympics.

France, for Christ's sake!

Today, we're going to find out

if anyone here
might have what it takes

to change that in 2008.

Let's get started!

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

You look like shit.

I didn't get a ton of sleep last night.

Well, maybe you want
to take a rain check, huh?

No, no.

No, I'm... I'm good.

All right, put that on...

unless you think that eyebrow
could protect your whole head.

Good stuff.

Come on!

And time!

All right, I think that's enough, huh?

I'm fine.

Are you sure?

I've never felt better in my life.

All right, go ahead.



Victor Padilla.

Did you fight Golden Gloves?

I fought Golden Gloves,

a while back.

You know, I was watching you.

You look good,
but I noticed you throw the jab,

you drop your right just a little bit,

which is fine against an orthodox guy,

but if you get in with a southpaw,

you know, that could be trouble.

So when was your last fight?



How come?

Hey, it's none of my business.

I'd like to see what you could do

if you took care of yourself.

I want you to lose 15 pounds

and be ready to fight at 178 in a month.

What's in a month?

The regionals in Phoenix.


 Fueled by a lack 

 Drew inspiration from a need 

 So many problems to crack 

 And mouths to feed 

 Crooked was the path 

 The last hurrah? 

 Nu-uh, I'd do it again 

 The rascal king behind the bars 

 Or the one in front of them 

 Let's go 

 The last hurrah? Nu-uh 

 Do it again 

 The rascal king behind the bars 

 Or the one in front of them 

All right, everyone, find your bag

and do something horrible to it.

Not you, Lindsay.

I wanna work a little shoe shine,

a little left, right.

- Okay.
- All right?

You ready?

Are you ready?

Let's see what you got.

Don't take the mace
off the key chain just yet.

Come on.

You got plans tomorrow?

Not during the day.

Maybe we should just hold off

until an evening frees up for you.

Oh, just pick me up
at noon tomorrow.

What's the big deal?

Oh, the dreaded day date.

Oh, come on,
what is so bad about a day date?

What's so bad about it?

It's not a date,
it's an outing at best.

Jerry girlfriend leaving him.

Excuse me?

Jerry girlfriend leaving him.

- She...
- My girlfriend.

- Oh.
- We... We broke up.

- I'm sorry.
- Broke up, yeah.

Have you guys met?

Lindsay, Loud-mouth.
Loud-mouth, Lindsay.


She left, uh...

You know, it's been a while.

Wednesday. Wednesday.


She technically moved out on Wednesday,

but she checked out
a year before that.

We both did.

- Oh.
- It's been a while.

Well, um, I'll see you at noon.

- All right.
- Bye-bye.

See you.
Nice to meet you.

- Silky smooth.
- Yeah.

- Silk.
- Working?

- Yeah, velvety smooth.
- Oh.

I don't know if you can
understand this, Ozzie,

but chicks don't dig it
when they find out

you've been dumped.

But it's true.

It's also true I have a hairy ass,

but I don't weave it into
every conversation I have.

Hey, yo, Vic.

You know Coach won gold

in four different weight classes?

I'm gonna make it five.

I'm going to be his second lightweight.

Hey, they say you're pretty good
with the little dudes.

Let's see what you're gonna do
with the big boys.

What's happening, fellas?

Well, if it isn't the Pale Rider.

I was just telling my man Vic here

how I'm gonna be the latest
in Coach Bell's

long tradition of Olympic champs.

Are you light heavy?

That's right.

I'm surprised Eddie didn't tell you,

but I'm going to be the new sheriff
around here at 178.


Good, good.

I'm glad you guys
got to know each other,

'cause you're going to be spending
a lot of time together.

Let's get to work.

Hold on, Coach.
Man, you can't be serious.

This dude's, like, 40 years old.

I'm standing right here, you know?

I can hear what you're saying.

Coach, man, you wouldn't give

a 40-year-old black guy a shot.

Yeah, Coach,
when is the black man

finally gonna get a fair shake

in the fight game?

Come on, let's get
a little lather going.

Okay, let's keep the feet moving,

keep the elbows in,
and your hands up.

Amateur boxing is
about scoring punches.

A light jab scores
just as much as a big hook.

And a knockout
still counts, though, right?

- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, it counts.

All right.
And, time!

You know what?

If you think I want
some middle-aged,

middle-class white dude

thinking he's in some
boxing fantasy camp

messing with my mission,

man, you even more
stupid than you look.

I'd have kicked your ass,

but calling me middle-class

is about the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

How much for the roses?

$12 a dozen.

Will you take ten bucks
for the dozen?


Como se llama?

- Carlos.
- Carlos.

Carlos, two days ago, my friend,

I was right where you're at.

Not on the onramp of the 405,

but in my head.

You know what I mean?

I didn't know what was going on.

I was at a crossroads in my life.

Now, look at me.


You know, it's like... like I wanna
tell everyone about this, you know?

And I'm thinking, like,
what do you want to do, Carlos?

When's your time?
You know what I mean?

When's Carlos going to start doing

what Carlos wants to do, right?

- All right?
- All right.

All right.

What's Carlos want to do?


Uh, the door's a little sticky

on the passenger side,

so just hang tight here
and I'll explain.

It's, uh... It's kind of a two-man gig.

Just stay clear there.

On three, lift the handle, please.

You want me to lift it?

Yeah, lift it on three,
but just stay wide of it.

- All right, you ready?
- Yeah.

One, two, three.

One more... One more try.

- Okay.
- We'll go... Okay?

Ready? Here we go.

- Perfect.
- Okay.

Like you've been doing it
your whole life.

Your chariot awaits.

Nice to see chivalry isn't dead.

And because...

the door's been flying open
on left-hand turns,

I'll give you a little bungee action.

- Okay.
- There.

Thank you.

And it's off we go.

The La Brea Tar Pits.

- Yeah.
- Wow.

This date's officially been
downgraded to a field trip.

Come on, now what's wrong
with the La Brea Tar Pits?

I've lived in L.A. for six years,
I've never been.

- I really want to see them.
- You want to see them?

- Yeah.
- You want to see them?

Close your eyes...

and picture a giant pit

filled with used transmission fluid.

We've been there.

God, look, it's really bubbling.

Yeah, I really...
I owe you an apology.

This is breath-taking.

- Can you smell it?
- I wish I had a condo right here.

To wake up every morning
to the smell of burning tar.

No other city but Los Angeles
would put up with this.

It's really an embarrassment.

Is it more than you
even dared to dream?

Tar is not an attraction,
it's a detraction.

You try to get away from tar.

I don't know why there's not

more postcards with this on it.

Do chick mastodons have the tusks

or is that just the dude...

Any other city, by the way,

would have filled this in
with kitty litter years ago.

This is humiliating.

Look, it says here that every one

of the exhibits in the museum

was pulled from one of these pits.

Right in the middle of L.A.

I'll tell ya, I...

My heart's beating too fast.

I think I gotta sit down.

Los Angeles is awesome.

No professional football team,

but all the fiberglass
elephants you want.

Look at these kids.

They look pissed off
that they're not at Disneyland.

I would sue my parents
if they took me here.

Oh, look!

I did not realize
we were gonna get to experience

what it would be like
to be trapped in tar.

I was all wrong about this place.

- See?
- Yeah.

I told you how fun it is.

Yeah, and maybe later
we could find out

what it feels like to step
in a bear trap

or be run over by a cattle truck.

- This is going to be a great day.
- Yeah.

You wanna dip an apple

into that or something,
or you're okay?

No, I'm good.

24,000 years.

I think someone needs

to read their Bible again.

Doesn't it make you feel kind of insignificant?

Oh, I had that covered a long time ago.

Don't you ever ponder your place

in the continuum of life?

Well, wherever it is,

I'm sure it's behind the slow driver.

I'd put you right about here.

That reminds me,
it is loincloth season.

I gotta get into shape.

Are your glutes this size?

No, that's enhanced.

So, what happens at the regionals?

Well, if I win at the regionals,

then I go to the nationals.

And if you win at the nationals?

Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Success isn't exactly in my DNA.

But if you did?

If I did, I go to the Olympics.


So, why did you quit
in the first place?

I killed a man in the ring.

Oh, my God, really?

Nah. I wish I had
an excuse that good.

I was just, you know...

I don't have any reason why.

I didn't get clipped by a motorcycle

or have to take care of my sick mom.

I was just...
I was 19 and I was stupid.

Like, when you're 19, you just...

At that age, it's just more fun

to play Atari and smoke pot

than it is to do sit-ups and road work.

And at what age is doing sit-ups

more fun than getting high
and playing video games?

That age.

Public defender.

But why grind through law school

if not to cash in on the big bucks?

Irrational love of the underdog.

And by "underdog"
you mean crackhead?

Hey, not all my clients are crackheads.

Some are meth-heads.

There's probably one now.

Just a sec.


But it's Saturday.

Crime doesn't take weekends off,
I'm afraid.

You're so butch.

Well, that was fun...

for a day date.

A little abbreviated.

Perhaps we can work our way up

to late afternoon date?

Maybe even a dusk date?

I know a romantic little landfill
up in Pacoima.

You'd love it.

Oh, I'm sure I would,

but, um, this is a rough stretch for me.

I have depositions all week.

Yeah, me too.

I mean, not depositions,
but I'm up early

because I'm in training now, you know.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, training regimen.

Crack of dawn and road work.

- You know, the whole thing.
- Right.

Well, I'll see you in class.


Take care.

I got it.

196, Coach.

Oh, you're off to a great start.

You put on three pounds.

- Muscle mass, Coach.
- Ah.

I just don't see how
you can be skinny and fat

at the same time.

You know, I've see guys
like you before.

You're one of those 95-percenters

who never quite gives it
everything he's got.

Actually, I'm a 75-percenter

who's giving you an extra 20%.

Get out of here.


Okay. And jab.

Jab, jab, jab.

Jab, jab, jab.

And uppercut.


Uppercut. Uppercut.


Oz! Ho!

Oswaldo Sanchez, everybody.

Yeah, thank you.

Thanks for covering for me.

You go vomit in the men's room.

Sorry I'm late.

Weight on the ball of the back foot.

Start with the straight jab.

Don't be squared off.

This is the third class she's missed.

I don't know, buddy.

You know, some women,
you tell them

you have no money,

no education,
no career path, and pow,

they lose interest.

Yeah, I know.

Just as well, anyway.
You know, with my training schedule,

I don't have time to jump
into a new relationship.

You guys got ten days
to the regionals,

and you both need
six months work.

You can use your back hand,
but only to the body,

nothing to the head, you got it?


Ho, whoa!
Whoa, whoa! Hey!

- Get off!
- I told you...

I told you no punches to the head!

All right, you guys wanna fight,
take it outside.

In here, we box.

Yeah, weight on the ball
of the back foot,

and then turn the hip.

Although you don't have hips,
but if you had 'em,

turn 'em, and drive the right.

Hey, yo, Jerry, what's next?

How to hit the canvas?

Whoever does not love his brother,
cannot love God.

And whoever loves God
must love his brother.

He ain't my brother. Huh.

But he sure is heavy.

You ain't gonna never make 178, fat boy.

I gotta get into shape, Oz-man.

I train you, man.
No worry.

Yeah, I gotta get on your program.

Orale queso.

What's your secret?

 Oh, plug me in and turn me on 

 Listen here 'cause here it come 

 Got hot licks on your guitar strings 

 Riffs and rhythms and guitar things 

 Turn me on and turn me up
and turn me loose 

 I am alive and amplified 

 Turn me on and turn me up
and turn me loose 

 I am alive and amplified 

 Turn me on and turn me up
and turn me loose 

 I am alive and amplified 

 Turn me on and turn me up
and turn me loose 

 I am alive and amplified 

 Na, na, na, na,
na, na, na, na 

 Na, na, na, na,
na, na, na, na 

 Na, na, na, na,
na, na, na, na 

 Na, na, na, na,
na, na, na, na 

 Na, na, na, na,
na, na, na, na 

 Na, na, na, na,
na, na, na, na 

Whoo! Yeah.


Get off of there, you jackass.

178, baby.

You got it.


Punch it. Go ahead.

Get away from here.
Are you kidding?

Hey, Coach...

I thought I was your light heavy.

You wanna win the gold medal,

and you're worried about Jerry?

No, I just don't see
why he has to be here.

Every great champion
had someone to push them.

Robinson had LaMotta,

Archie Moore had Joey Maxim,

Zale and Graziano had... each other.

Who are those guys?

Ah. Listen.

Two of your biggest
challenges for the gold

are tall lefties like Jerry.

Now, I could pay him
100 bucks a day to spar with you,

or I could let him think he's got
a shot at making the team,

and get him for free.

Trust me, working
with Jerry every day

is gonna help you win a gold medal.

You're my light heavyweight.


- Okay, Coach.
- Huh?

You got some change?

- Yeah.
- All right.

Remember, you're worried
about your citizenship,

your record, and your eligibility,

and Uncle Jerr is the only one

willing to stick his neck out for you.

All right?

But I was born here in Los Angeles.

Don't over-think it, buddy.

Just act natural.

This comes off his record
when he turns 18 next month.

His parole's been impeccable.

I don't see anything
to be worried about here.

Victor, what made you think
you had a problem?

Jerry is the only one who help me.

Wow. I gotta tell you,
this is a personal relief to me.

I mean, this is great news.

I told you.

I told you it would all work out.

Uh, listen, why don't
you go wait out front,

let Jerry mop up in here?

Huh? Good news, huh?

I'll get you some ice cream.

That's, uh...

Poor kid.

I've seen what society
can do to these kids.

The latch... the latchkey kids.

They just... just turn their backs
on these kids.

Then I've seen the streets
just chew 'em up and spit 'em out.

They're... They're dis...

They're dispensable.

Dispendable... Expendable.

Missing class?

Yeah, I've been swamped.

Oh. You think a night
might free up for you?

It doesn't look good.

How about dinner tomorrow night?

Pick me up at eight?

Works for me.

Oh, and Jerry?

You could've just called.


Did a perp really take a swing at you?

Oh, not exactly.

They offered us a plea bargain,

I said he should take it, he got mad,

threw my scales of justice
paperweight at me,

I ducked and hit my head on the desk.

Oh. You know, when my boss

was attacking me with a pickaxe,

I tendered my resignation

right then and there on the spot.

- I said to him, "Good day to you, sir!"
- I see.

I bid him adieu right there.

Can we still call you the Hammer

even though you're not
a carpenter anymore?

Yes, because I got the name
not because I'm a carpenter,

but because I knocked
this kid out many years ago.

That's where I got
the nickname the Hammer.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

Really. I got this.

You just lost your job.

Yep, but I picked up
a bunch of classes at the gym,

and Steve's having me and Ozzie

do some work around the place,
so I'm flush.

I'm thinking about retiring
in a few years.

I'm going out tiara shopping after this.

You need a tiara?

A pony?

Let's go Dutch.

The Dutch must be
some cheap bastards

to be known throughout the word
for this one thing.

You ever think about that?

Yes. Well, don't forget
tulips or wooden shoes.

Yeah, but when people say,
"Let's go Dutch,"

they're not talking about
going wooden shoe shopping,

they're talking about
splitting the check.

I'm just saying, how many checks

do you have to split as a nation

before this becomes your thing?

And do you think they find it racist?

I would find it racist.

I didn't mean to slur
the entire country of Holland.

I just think we should split it.

Well, we're not,

because this is going in the books

as a date, not a draw, all right?


you can, uh...

try that one, my good man.

And, uh, take
these two for backup.

So what's the best part of your job?

Getting someone a second chance.

And what's the worst part of your job?

Watching them squander it

and come back across
my desk a month later.

Oh. This is nice stucco work.

You know, this is done
with a sponge trowel,

and if you wanted it
to be smooth, you'd use a...

- I don't do stucco, really.
...a metal trowel.

It's too bad you're in training.


Well, don't they say
that boxers should

refrain from intimacy
when they're in training?

That old wives' tale?


That's a thousand years old.

Well, you know,
Eastern philosophy says that

you expend massive
amounts of chi when you...

- Eastern philosophy?
- Yeah.

We're in Burbank, grasshopper,

and I got enough chi
for the whole valley.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm overstocked with chi.

Watch out, it's chi dealing days.

Oh, really?

Yes, I'm Chi Chi Rodriguez.

Believe me, I'm a Chia Pet.

Okay, no, no.

I'm not gonna be responsible for

messing up your big comeback.


I will gladly sign a waiver.

You could draft it up
in your lunch hour.

It'll be all aboveboard.

Let me know how it goes, okay?

All right, I'll call you from Arizona.

Don't take too many shots to the face.

Oh, that's inspirational.

How about a little something like,
"I believe in you, Jerry"?

Oh, right.

I believe in you, Jerry.

How could I lose?

I'll see you in Phoenix.

You're not riding with us, Coach?

I'm too old for a six-hour van ride.

I'm flying.
I'll be there when you get there.

Okay. Hey, uh, Coach,
you think we could use

a little extra help in the corner?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.



No, you get your rest
and stay focused.

Basically, this should be
just a walkover for you.

Give you a chance to work
on some of the things

- I taught you, okay?
- Okay.

Come on, the party patrol's leaving!

Poor schmuck.

It's a long way to drive
just to get your ass kicked.

Who's your favorite boxer?



You know, Coach Bell says two fighters

from each weight division
can advance, so...

we may both move on to the nationals.

Look, man, maybe after I knock you out,

we can spend some time really connecting.

But in the meantime,

this ain't no Big Brother program.

That's good.

Take that energy,
take that hostility,

and harness it.

Use it.

You've got the eye of the asshole,
my brother.

Cheeseburger. Cheeseburger.

Onion ring. Chicken nugget.

Keep digging, Ozzie.

I'm sure there's some cactus
in there somewhere.

I see where you got your killer abs.

Hey, look, Jerry, don't even
start talkin' how the black athlete

don't have to work as hard to stay fit.

No. That's right.

Everyone's exactly the same.

Eskimos and Kenyans
have the same metabolism.

And the Kenyans,

they just win the marathons every year

because they're better at jogging.

What is it?

If I said blacks were better
natural athletes, you'd be pissed.

If I said whites were better
natural athletes, you'd be pissed.

If I said we were the same,
you'd be pissed.

So screw it,
you're gonna be pissed.

You know what, Jerry?

I'm sensing a little jealousy.

Are you mad because
I'm a black Lamborghini,

and you're just putting
along in a Ford Festiva?

How's that salad?

Tastes like a rabbit
crapped in my mouth.

Jesus Christ, that guy's an amateur?

That's Darius Reece.

Coach Bell said he'd make sure
he's not in my bracket,

so I don't have to worry
about him till the nationals.

Oh, perfect.

Anybody you want us to notify?

Next of kin?

Are you an organ donor?

The Lord works through me.

He is all knowing and forgiving.

I know He loves me,
and He loves you, too

because we are all His children.

God loves us all.

He is love.




So where's Jerry?

I'm going to tape him up.

That's one cold draw
he got with Reece.

He served his purpose.

You just worry about
what you have to do.

Coach, don't let him get hurt too bad.

Now, you can't fight inside with this guy.

He's too strong.

And you can't dance on the outside.

He's too fast.

What's that leave?


Hey, I'm just kidding.

But you gotta keep moving.

This guy was not
the number-one ranked amateur

five years ago for nothing.

What's he been doing
for the last five years?

He's been doing five years.

I gotta pee.

I just taped your gloves.

And you've got a protective cup on.

I'm not gonna help you.

It's gotta go down and to the left.

Hold still. Don't fight me.

Hurry. Hurry.

It's too hard, man.
It's too hard.

Quit complaining.

I not sign up for this.

Come on.
Be hard to hit

and jab, jab, jab.

Yeah, be hard to hit, Jerry.
And jab, jab jab.

Work the body early.

Work the body, Jerry.

 Love is a burning thing 

 And it makes a fiery ring 

 Bound by wild desire 



 I fell into a burning ring of fire 

 I went down, down, down 

 And the flames went higher 

 And it burns, burns, burns 

You can't stand right in front of this guy.
He's killing you.

He'll be punched out
by the tenth round, Coach.

It's only a four-round fight.

Oh, thank Christ, 'cause I'm gassed.

 I fell into a burning ring of fire 

 I went down, down, down 

 And the flames went higher 

 And it burns, burns, burns 

 The ring of fire 

 The ring of fire 

 The ring of fire 

 The ring of fire 

I gotta get going.

What do you mean?

I gotta go tape Robert.

I got another round here, Coach.

Hey, we had a good run.

Good run?
This is my first fight.

Where's Ozzie?

I sent him to get something
out of the van.

Listen, when you're finished here,

come on over and root for Robert.

You're just a grunt

working with illiterates,
amounting to nothing.

Another year has come and gone,

and you've done nothing.

You're one of those 95-percenters

who never quite gives it
everything he's got.

Okay, Jerry.

Wow! Wow!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Oh!

Hey, you there? Pick up.

I won all my fights.

The only dicey moment I had
was in the first fight,

when the ringside doctor
almost stopped it

because he said I had
dangerously high levels of chi.

I wish you could've seen it.

Are you sprinting...
Are you sprinting to the phone?

Can you hear me?

This is Jerry, by the way.

Hey, yo, hand me your keys, man.
I'll drive.

Ah, I don't mind. I got it.

No, I needed my rest
on the way out here, dawg.

I can drive back.
Hand me the keys.

It's no problem.
I got it.

It's like that, Jerr?

Come on, man.
I got this, baby.

Hey, get around this guy.

I didn't tell you how to drive.

That's 'cause I know how to drive.

Go, go, go.
Make this light.

Hold up, man.
I know what I'm doing.

Hey, can you drop me off?

I'm going to rent a donkey.

Jerry. Wake up, man.


Jerry, wake up.

You gotta pull over.

No, man, I can't.
Switch seats with me.

Switch seats.
Are you high? Pull over.

Jerry, I got warrants, okay?

So what? Pull over.

I'm not taking a ticket for you.

Dude, the police gonna pull us over,

they gonna impound the car.

Officer, um, I don't know.

I must've just had highway hypnosis.

Usually she'll start to shimmy around 
and give me a little heads up, you know.

- Tells me...
- You were going 37.

License and registration.

License and registration, please.

You haven't been drinking, have you?


Let me tell you why you're getting

a citation this evening.

Driving too slow

can be just as dangerous
as driving too fast.

Slow pokes like yourself

place other drivers in tight spots.

You may think you were
being extra cautious,

but actually, you're putting
everyone else in jeopardy.

Imagine a large boulder
sitting in the middle

of a travel lane on a dark highway,

and you might just get an idea

of how dangerous this
kind of driving can be.

There you are.

Let's not let this happen again.

And listen, this is the highway.

This is for the big boys.

If you can't handle it,
with all due respect,

stick to the side streets.

You have a good night.



We're going 35 now,
and we're not moving!

Hold on, let me do some rough math!

We'll be back in L.A. in nine months!

Or should we just
stay here in neutral

and hope that the Earth
just comes around.

L.A. will just come around underneath us.

My walk to the van was faster than 37.

What are we, like
20 feet from Phoenix?


Do you understand glaciers
are kicking our ass?

So Robert hits this guy
in the ribs so hard,

I actually hear cracking
come from the guy's midsection.

And then Victor breaks
a guy's nose wide open,

so it's like a...
It's a blood bath.

Sounds like a lot of fun.

Yeah, it's good times.


Good, good, good!

Way to go. All right.

Atta boy, Victor!

All right.

Why do men need
to punch each other in the face?

'Cause they deduct points

if we punch each other in the balls.

Oh, I see.

You got it?


No, no, I got it. I got it.

Let's review.
Smart, good looking, non-smoker.

Shouldn't you be married by now?

I am married.

To my work.

Was that to me?

Any chance you two
will get a divorce?

No, not for you.

I'd like to start seeing your work.

I've always been attracted to your job.

Does your job ever talk about me?

I could stare at this forever.

Me, too.

Are you hungry?


Let's go.

My ass is asleep.

No offense, but I think
you should fire your gardener.

I mean, this is like

the surface of the moon out here.

I've been offered a job.

In real estate law.

That's fantastic.

You know what,
I didn't want to say anything,

but get out of that
public defender's office.

What do you need with
the crackheads and the pedophiles.

It's in Seattle.

So you're just gonna turn
your back on your clients.

I'm flying up tomorrow
to meet with the partners.

I'm weighing my options a little bit.

You know what
the annual rainfall is in Seattle?

A lot.

Yes, it real...

It's underwater
like nine months out of the year.

You'd essentially be moving
into an aquarium.

You wanna live in that castle

with the bubbles coming
out of the chimney?

It's a lot more money.

What about the tar pits?

Your beloved tar pits.

You think they have tar pits in Seattle?

No, they don't have big holes
filled with tar.

That's... That's us, baby.

That's L.A.

Look, I'm not a 24-year old idealist

fresh out of law school
anymore, you know?

I mean, it's a really good firm.

Well, I guess you should check it out.

I'm probably not the guy
to be giving out career advice.

Was that the grill?

Hey, Jerry, man, wait up.

Hey, uh, I just wanted
to thank you again

for helping me back there at the van.

You did me a solid.

Yeah. You know what that ticket's

gonna do to my rates?

I mean, if I had car insurance?

Hey, Jerry, man, hold up.

I got something else to tell you.

What's going on?

Coach Bell's not being
straight up with you.

What do you mean?

Sparring partner?

And a damn good one, too.

You know how much better

Robert's gotten working with you?

I didn't sign up to be
someone's sparring partner.

Hey, you ate a lot of leather in Phoenix.

We're moving up in class now.
You could really get hurt.

I knocked out Darius Reece in Phoenix.

Hey, who are we kidding?

That was a fluke.

You had the key to his roller skates.

Look, the point is

I gotta choose my date for the prom,

and it's Robert.

I can't take you both.

- Where we working?
- Where are we working?

Get in the truck,
I'll tell you en route.

Covert ops, baby.

When you talk to Mike?

I talked to Mike yesterday.

He said it's cool.

Come on, she gets back
tomorrow night.

We're up against the clock, buddy.

- Let's go.
- We'll never finish.

We'll never finish
with that attitude.

Now, come on.

You bring the 16-penny nails?

You didn't tell to me nothing.

You can't think of anything
on your own?

What are you building?

Storage shed.

What are you siding it with?



You gotta be careful with that T-111.

You wanna get the margins right, you know.

They have a T&G joint.
Wanna get it just right.

If by T&G you mean
tongue and groove, you're wrong.

The T-111 has a shiplap seam.

I'm pretty sure it's T&G.
I've worked with it a lot.

No. No. It's shiplap.

Well, let's talk foundation bolting.

What are you holding the bottom plate
down to the slab with.


Oh, you're going with wedge anchors.
Yeah, I'd go with J bolts.

I'd put 'em in when the slab was wet.

That way, I wouldn't have
to bust out the roto hammer.

Well, if I was going with a footing,
I'd use the J bolts,

but we have a 4-inch slab, so...

Cut corners, people get hurt.

It's a tool shed.

It's not an underground
parking structure.

Okay. We're in earthquake country.

I don't know if you heard.

So what you building your man?

Uh, a deck.

Oh, that's sweet.

A deck, right?

No, I'm not building it.

You're not building it?

I'm building a deck, but not...

- I'm not building a deck for him.
- No.

I'm building a deck for my lady.

- Oh, for your lady.
- Yeah.

What you screwing it off with, deckers?

No, using 16-penny
galvanized common heads.

Oh, you get
a hell of a lot more grab

with a core-stripped
bugle head zinc drywall screw.

I hit.690 in the Van Nuys
Unlimited Arc League.

All-American, Arizona state.

- Ozzie.
- Yeah?

Let's get those uh...
Let's get those drywall screws.

And let's go.
March now.

6,500 more washers,
and we're on deck.

She lands in 34 minutes.


Hey, don't tell anyone about this part.

 You are so 


 You are 

 I want you to know 

 I won't let it go 

 I won't let it sleep 

 Any day of the week 

 I should not talk 

 But I would like to say 

 I want you to know 

 I want you to stay 

 Here, please 

You're a piece of work, Ferro.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Hey, happy to see me?

Hey, Mike, listen,
you owed me and Ozzie

two and a half days pay.

That should've more than covered
the price of that windshield.

Yeah, yeah, but I get to work today,

and I see that some assholes
helped themselves

to a big old pile of wood.

Wasn't me.

Hold him still.

Now, you tell me
where you stashed it,

or I'm slamming this door
on the count of three.

Mike, don't show off.

- One...
- Come on, Mike.

- Two...
- Seriously, Mike. Come on.

Excuse me.


You're still dropping your right a little

when you throw your left.

You don't need Bell.

Jerry, you can go on your own.

Trainers don't qualify
for the Olympics, boxers do.

I don't know.

Maybe he's right.
I think he's right.

So that's it.

You gotta worry about
yourself now, man.

Bell reigns you in.
You gotta let your hands go.

Come on, Jerry, man.
Don't change the subject.

I'm just saying,
you got a lot of ability.

You gotta think
about your pro career.

I actually think you're relieved
you don't have to go.

Could I just...
Do you have taquitos?

No, no tequila. Only sodas.

No, taquitos.

- Eh?
- Taquitos.


Look, if you said spaghetti,
I wouldn't be confused.


And then he hit me with two lefts

and a huge right,

and then I realized

how do I know the guy beating
the crap out of me

is actually gay?

'Cause no one else
would be stupid enough

to pretend they were gay

to enter a boxing tournament.

Or would they?

What better way for a homophobe

to legally gay bash?

Jeff, do you think you're
a victim of a hate crime?




That is the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.

By far.

Well, you deserve it.

I should've told you
I rent that place.

Well, I got a break
on the lumber, so...

How's the training coming?

Uh, I'm not...
I mean, I'm not gonna go.

Why? You worked so hard.

It's... It's just not in my DNA.

Don't tell me you're
playing Atari again.

No, no.

What's happening with Seattle?

I, um...

I have to take it.

It's just too good to pass up.

I, um...

I gotta go.

I know it's no great digs,
but it's a week's work.

We'll be fine.

When I live in Nicaragua,

the civil war...
Sandinistas, Contras...

I come here for opportunity.

Well, in about five minutes,

you're gonna get an opportunity
to form some trenches.

You have opportunity, Jerry.

Fight for your country.

Fight for yourself.

I gotta get a suck off the hose.

 Where have all my friends gone? 

 They've all disappeared 

 Turn around maybe one day 

 You're all that was there 

 Stood by unbelieving 

 Stood by on my own 

 Always thought I was someone 

 Turned out I was wrong 

 You brought me through 

 And you made me feel 

 So good 

 Why don't you stay behind? 

 So good 

 Why don't you stop? 

 Look at what's going down 

Come on!

Come on!

 Now here I go 

 Hope I don't break down 

 I won't take anything 

 I don't need anything 

 I want to kill you 

 Upon the altar 

 You and me 

 You and me 

Come on!

Who hangs a heavy bag
with toggle bolts?

Looks like I won't be
seeing you till the finals.

Hi, Jerry.
What's happenin', man?

Oh, don't worry.
I'll be there.

Another clinic by Robert Brown.

Victor Padilla with a narrow victory.


And Jerry Ferro's
remarkable run continues.

Ferro advances to the semis.

A heartbreaking loss
for young Victor Padilla.

Brown breezes into the semis.

- Brown!
- Ferro!

- Ferro!
- Brown!

Jerry Ferro will join Robert Brown

in the light heavyweight finals.

Jerry told me that even Mike Tyson
lost an Olympic qualifier.

It's true.

He also said that
I have a bright future.

You should listen to him.

I mean a guy that old
with arms that skinny, man,

that punch that hard,
he gotta know something.

I pray for you both tonight.

Thanks, brother.

Ozzie, it's time.

Come on, Ponch.

I make it for you.

Thanks, brother.

And now, we move on

to the light heavyweight final

between young Robert Brown,

one of the most promising amateurs

in recent history,

and the 40-year-old Jerry Ferro,

nicknamed the Hammer

no doubt because he's
a fulltime carpenter.

These are two boxers
at the opposite ends of their careers.

For Ferro, it's a last shot at glory.

And for Brown,
it could be a step on the road

to Olympic champion,
and maybe even world champion.

Hey, Jerry.

Thanks, buddy.
That's sweet.

Hey, man, from her.

She. Lindsay.

What's up, Eddie?

Listen, no quick triggers tonight, okay?

My kid can take a punch.

Let's let it go to the cards.

This one's scheduled
for four rounds of boxing.

But Ferro has yet to have a fight

here at the trials go to the judges.

Touch gloves.

You ready? You ready?


And right from the outset,

the younger fighter looks
like the quicker fighter.


Brown scoring at will with the jab.

Jerry, Jerry, move!

Brown is building
an impressive early lead.

Beautiful, babe. Beautiful.

I don't feel like I'm hurting him.

You're winning the fight.

That's all you gotta worry about.

Hey, Jerry, go for the body.

Only this way is for him dropping gloves.

I think he said to work the body.

And that actually makes sense.

Hey, I learn from the best, man.

Both fighters working outside again.

Ferro trying to make a move to the body,

but, oh, that right and left combination

did connect.

And down goes Ferro!

This could be it.

...two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight.

And Ferro makes it to his feet.

Just as the round ends.

You gotta knock him out, Jerry.

You need to knock him out.

Oh, you want me to knock him out,

you should've said something earlier.

I would've done it in the first round.

Listen, you stay away
from this guy for four minutes,

and you're going to the Olympics.

Now, get on your bicycle.

He's too old and too slow to catch you.

What hand would you like me to use?

Whatever, you know?
You gotta knock him out, man.

I don't know, I go right, I go left.

I tell you what,
I'll surprise you, okay?

- How about that?
- Okay, man.

On your bicycle.

And we're ready for round three.

With a big lead
and two rounds to go,

young Robert Brown is putting

his foot speed on full display,

content to make his older opponent

chase him around the ring.

The crowd may not like it,

but Brown is dancing
his way to the Olympics.

And... Oh!
Here comes Brown again,

- scoring with a right, left combination.
- Keep moving.

Keep moving!

And Ferro lands a big overhand left

just as the round comes to an end.

What the hell are you doing?

He can't hurt me.
I can beat him.

You already have.
No stay away from him, God damn it.

I didn't get in boxing to run from people.

You do what I tell ya.

Now you get your hands up,

and get your elbows in,

and stay away from this guy
for two minutes.

You got that?

On my card,
Brown is way ahead on points.

It's gonna take a knockout from Ferro
to win this fight.

Last round. Touch 'em up.

- You gonna run this round?
- I'm through runnin'.


And we're ready
for the fourth and final round.

It looks like Brown's
dancing days are over,

as he moves in for the knockout.

Holy cowl

Brown is a man possessed.

Ferro is taking his best shots.

Break! Break!
No pushing! Box.

Robert, stay away from him.
Stay away from him.

Two hard lefts to the head!

Another one!
And Ferro has hurt Brown.

God damn it, kid!
Get out of there!

Brown is hurt.
Up against the ropes.

Brown appears to be out on his feet.

Don't stop it!
Do not stop it!

And it's over!

It looks like Robert Brown
is going to the Olympics.

Jerry Ferro practically held him up.

Why don't you listen to me, kid?

'Cause I don't need you.

Oh, is that so?

Well, you're gonna find out
who needs who around here,

small-time punk.

He's the champion!
Right now, man!

I bow to you, man!
I bow to you!

I guess you miss
your crackheads, huh?

Just my boxing instructor.

Lindsay! You back!

When you leave,
Jerry cried like the baby.

Thanks, buddy.


Why'd you hold back?

Affirmative action.

I figured it was your arthritis acting up.

You're going to the Olympics, baby.

Yeah, but I'm going to need a trainer.

All right, I accept.

No, you got Ozzie's number?

Oh, that's great.

That is good stuff.

You're gonna love Beijing.

None of the rickshaws
go over 37 miles an hour.

We break ground on Monday.

Steve says when we're finished
we can use his place.

That's great.

Are you going to have
spinning classes?

No. No. This is a boxing gym.

I'm saying, but spinning classes
have the finest women.

They be...

Yeah, Robert, you shouldn't even

be thinking about women
until after the Olympics.

Let me tell you guys about
a circulating life energy

known as chi.



- So close.
- Chi.

It's very important.

Yeah, you don't melt it on chips.

A great lady, a loyal best friend,

two promising boxers,

and my own gym to train them in.

Now that sounds like
a dream come true.

Are you going to cry again?

I wasn't crying.

I see you!

I had sawdust in my eye.

You liar!

Why do you have to bust my chops?

You cry-baby.

What, that makes me less of a man?

Lindsay, he cry!


 Story of my life 

 Well, high school
seemed like such a blur 

 I didn't have much interest 

 In sports or school elections 

 And in class I dreamed all day 

 About a rock 'n' roll weekend 


 And the girl in the front of the room 

 So close yet so far 

 You know she never
seemed to notice 

 This silly school-boy crush 

 Wasn't just pretend 


 Life goes by so fast 

 You only want to do
what you think is right 

 Close your eyes, then it's past 

 Story of my life 

 Story of my life 

 La la huh huh 

 Story of my life 

 And I went down
to my old neighborhood 

 The faces have all changed 

 There's no one there left to talk to 

 And the pool hall
that I loved as a kid 

 Is now a 7-Eleven 


 And I went downtown
to look for a job 

 I had no training,
no experience to speak of 

 And I looked at
the holes in my jeans 

 And I turned and headed back 


 Life goes by so fast 

 You only want to do
what you think is right 

 Close your eyes, then it's past 

 Story of my life 

 Story of my life 

 La la huh huh 

 Story of my life 

 And good times come
and good times go 

 I only wish the good times
would last a little longer 

 I think about the good times we had 

 And why they had to end 


 So I sit at the edge of my bed 

 I strum my guitar 

 And I sing an outlaw love song 

 I think about what you're doin' now 

 And when you're coming back 


 Life goes by so fast 

 You only want to do
what you think is right 

 Close your eyes, then it's past 

 Story of my life 

 Story of my life 

 Story of my life 

 La la da da 

 Story of my life 

Special thanks to SergeiK.