Voila! Finally, the The Perfect Holiday script is here for all you fans of the Morris Chestnut and Gabrielle Union movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. At least you'll have some The Perfect Holiday quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?
And swing on back to Drew's
Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.
The Perfect Holiday Script
There it is.
Oh, the first snowflake of the season.
Come on, little fella. Come on.
That's it. That's it.
You can do it. You're almost here.
You're almost here.
Technical definition of a snowflake
is ice crystals surrounding a particle of dirt.
It's buttery, supple.
And with a clean finish.
Just like Christmas is supposed to taste.
So, technically, you are eating dirt.
- Could I get one with onions and mustard?
I'm sorry. I'm...
Oh! I'm sorry. Excuse me.
A wise man once said,
"The best Christmas present
"is a happy family all wrapped up
with each other."
Or maybe it was a wise woman.
Men don't usually think that clear.
Like this guy.
He ain't had a clear thought
since he left his wife and three kids.
He may think he has it all,
but he'll learn different, soon enough.
Now, let's move on from naughty to nice.
Meet Benjamin Armstrong.
He writes love songs.
But he has yet to find
that one true love of his own.
Did I say nice? I meant real nice.
- Want some?
- Oh, a candy cane for me? What? Hey! Hey!
Now, over on the fancy side of town
lives Nancy Taylor.
She's nice, too.
As far as money goes,
she don't have a worry in the world.
I tell you what she does fret about,
her three kids.
She's on the job 24/7.
Mom and dad, teacher, chauffeur, cook, cop.
Give me that. That was mine.
She's so busy
being everything for everybody,
there's nobody left for her.
Better watch out, girl.
Santa's coming to town.
Next on VH1,
Behind The Music looks at J-Jizzy.
- Mom, come quick. Dad's on TV.
- Yeah, come on.
I know, I know. Your father's always on TV.
But you know what?
He's gonna be here, live in the flesh,
at the front door in the next five minutes,
and you guys aren't even close
to being ready.
- I am.
- Me, too.
...the scandalous parties...
- Kind of.
...is that what you want them to think?
- No, actually, that's not
- what I want them to think, Ronique.
- Mom. Come on.
- You see, that's only one side of me.
- One side? Try your only side.
My name may be on a lot of things,
- but the music, that's where my heart is at.
- In fact, I've dedicated an entire year...
- What heart?
... to the development
of my new Christmas CD.
You know, that's going to get me
spiritually closer to my fans,
and, of course...
are we working with here? Family.
But if family's so important,
then why your recent custody problem?
Yeah. How about that? Why?
Ronique, I've been advised not to
comment on matters
currently under adjudication.
- Yeah, especially one's you're gonna lose.
- Mom, you're fighting with the TV again.
- Yes, I am.
But we want to spend Christmas vacation
- Even if he's too busy to be there.
- Shut up.
Well, you can see him tonight,
but he's gonna be here in a hot second
and you guys are not even close
to being ready.
Please, go get your coats on.
- And put some pants on.
- And put on some pants.
- No pants...
- Ain't nothing more precious to me
than my three beautiful children.
Come on, guys.
Come on, John-John.
You go ahead.
I'm gonna wait five more minutes.
- Just five more.
- Five minutes.
He's coming. I know he is.
This is all a waste of time.
This is nonsense, man. Every day...
Hold on, hold on, man.
You're always thinking big, man.
You got to think big, not eat big, bro.
Look, we're sitting out here in the cold,
waiting for this herb,
'cause you want to give him a CD?
Come on, man, we got a job.
- Let me tell you something.
Once Jizzy hears my stuff, man,
he's gonna vibe to it, just like you did.
I like your songs, even the whack ones,
but this is stupid.
Look, once he hears my music,
he's gonna put me down.
I put you down.
We all gonna come up, all right.
Yo, J! What up?
Looking good, J. What's good?
- You just get off me.
- Deal with you, Jizz.
I got a number one track. I got some
hot tracks right here for you, bro.
I got some hot tracks.
I got one right here, baby. Number one.
J-Jizzy, what's up, man?
Ben Armstrong, man, I been calling you.
Check it out, man.
I got some hot tracks right here, man.
A lot of heart in these tracks, right up here.
- I've been doing work...
- You're not sexy, player.
- I know that, but...
You ready to go to work now?
That's my man.
Get off me. Get your Jizzy Gear off me.
Where's my shoe? Where's my shoe?
Zip me up real quick. Did you zip?
- I'm not zipped. My back is showing.
- Are you ready?
- Hey, kids, are you ready for Santa?
All righty. Santa, come out here.
- You know, I really should be Santa.
- Santa has to have a lap. You're the elf.
Look over there.
- Okay, so, Mr. Famous didn't call again?
The man will spend $50,to fight me in court,
but can't spend three hours with his kids
on his regular night.
Well, if I had to deal with that rotten rapper,
I'd be angry too.
They had three beautiful babies, Brenda.
It couldn't have been all that bad.
- No, it wasn't all bad.
- Well, I wouldn't know.
Oh, we know you wouldn't know.
At the rate you're going, you'll never know.
Be back in 30 minutes.
- I mean it.
- Look, Mommy, Santa.
Come on, girl,
you can't find a couple of hours
to go to dinner with a nice man?
Even a not-so-nice man.
Take it from us,
there's no shortage of those.
Please, it's not like I'm opposed
to finding someone.
You know, especially someone
who's nice and likes kids
and isn't all about himself, you know?
I mean, between John-John's piano lessons
and Emily's ballet and Mikey's football,
how am I supposed to even find the time
to go out on a date?
You know what I want more than anything?
- A compliment.
- A compliment?
- Seriously, just a compliment.
- From who?
- Obviously not us.
A man. Hello. A nice normal man
who doesn't have an agenda,
who's not trying to hook up
or get busy with me.
You know, imagine this, right?
I'm standing in front of a store, a guy
walks by, he sees me, he doubles back
and says, "Wow, you look really amazing."
And then he leaves. And that's it.
Okay, little girl, you're next. Show time.
- Go and see Santa.
- Who are you?
- I'm Santa's number one elf.
- More like numbers one through 10.
- Nice tights.
- Tell your momma.
- Tell your momma, too.
- Here we go.
Ho, ho, ho, little girl.
And what would you like for Christmas?
I don't want anything for me.
Just for my mommy.
- Really? What's your name, little girl?
- I'm Emily, and that's my mom.
- Which one is it? The one on the right?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
See, it's like this. My mommy...
Here, fat boy. I wrote it, you bring it.
Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that.
Fine. Okay, cool.
Next time you can be Santa.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Those kids are bad, man.
Little bunch of greedy little kids.
Oh, man, you're telling me.
- See that one kid hit me?
- He hit you with the Holyfield.
And good. Bad kid, man.
- Except for this one little girl.
- Yeah, what did she want?
All she wanted was for some dude
to come up to her mother
and just give her a compliment.
Yeah, it seems like her parents split up
a few years back,
and I guess
her mother's been real sad lately.
- Was her momma fine?
- Well, you know, I'd have to say,
she is probably one of the most
beautiful women I think I've ever seen.
- That should be easy.
Beautiful people get compliments
all the time.
I should know, I ain't never got one.
Oh, come on, man.
You're gonna find that special somebody.
- You think so?
- Okay, maybe not, but...
Hi, I was wondering
if I could change Emily's ballet class
to the Monday class.
I know I already changed her
from the Tuesday class to the Friday class.
- I was just hoping...
I can't wear this.
It ain't got one wrinkle on it.
I'm sorry, baby, can you please turn
that music down, John-John?
- You need help with your math, baby?
- I think the food is ringing.
Hey, didn't I tell you
to stay out of my room?
I was just playing.
- Yeah, with my special toy.
- Yeah, they're all special, aren't they?
- Who wants a story?
- I do!
- I do.
- I don't.
- I don't.
- I still do. A Christmas story.
Okay, Christmas story coming right up.
And, Mikey, you just sort of listen,
and, John-John, just cover your ears.
- Man, Mom looks old.
- Old people are supposed to look old.
Not nasty old. But how's she gonna
get Dad back looking like that?
- I don't think she wants Daddy back.
- Sure, she does.
- She just doesn't know it yet.
- You're crazy.
and a nice man's gonna tell her.
- What man?
- The one Santa's getting her.
- Here it comes with the Santa stuff again.
- Come on, guys. Who wants a story?
The Twelve Days of Christmas.
So what y'all think?
Sounds like a spiritual.
It's like an old spiritual, boss.
I'm sure all the saints was thinking,
"Holy, holy, holy,"
with the nasty booty shaking scene.
That's so spiritual. Yeah.
Rottweiler! Not sexy.
Grande cappuccino for Eric.
Well, what's this one about, light skin?
Let me guess.
"The love I lost in the rain
in the summertime."
How about, "Jamal gets his butt kicked
for not letting me concentrate?"
See, that's your problem. You're not writing
songs the consumers want to hear.
We want to hear songs like...
- That's what people want to hear.
- Which muffin's mine, man?
None of them. You didn't pay for no muffins.
- Oh, my bad.
- Wait. You're gonna take my muffin?
You sneezed on this one, too. You know
what would be good with that song?
If you put a... What you looking at, man?
- I think that's her.
- Her who?
The little girl's mother from yesterday.
- That's her.
- Oh, yeah.
It's the one who wants a compliment.
Give me your jacket. Give me your jacket.
- Give me your shoe.
- Give me your jacket.
- What you got in this jacket?
- My businesses.
There's a stubborn grease stain.
Do you think you can get that out?
Excuse me. Can you put this
with the rest of my stuff?
You are a very attractive woman.
He said attractive?
He said I was attractive.
That's what he said, right?
Get out of here. What?
Yeah. A man hits on you and then leaves.
I don't buy it.
Well, it wasn't like
he was trying to sell anything.
He just came in, said what he said,
and then he left.
- What'd he look like?
- So let's go and find him.
Find him? We don't even know him.
How are we going to find him?
Well, how are we gonna know
unless we find him?
Yeah, okay, and then we find him,
What do you mean
you don't know his name?
- I tell you, he no customer here.
- What about the coat he dropped off?
Smelly, disgusting thing?
Okay, maybe we should be looking
in a bakery.
You guys, we should just go.
- What's wrong, man?
- Nothing. No problem.
Come on, man. I know you, man.
Nothing. I told you, boss,
the album's good. It's good.
Well, you know when I say good,
I mean good in a great way.
It's got the necessary "G's." It's got girls,
it's got gangsters, it's got Gucci.
- Yeah, but what don't it got?
- J, it just don't have no heart.
No heart? Come on, man!
I know every song on the record, okay?
Black Christmas. Three Thugs.
I Got Doodoo On My Shoe. Come on.
- Yeah, yeah, fabulous. Each and every one.
But we still one song short, J.
We want Christmas in the air,
fabulous brotherly love,
the jingle... The spirit song.
We that song short.
Can't stop, won't stop. Huh?
- Can't stop, won't stop!
Okay? Can't stop...
A Christmas song short. I can do that.
- That was a really good dinner, Momma.
- Yeah, what's up with that?
Well, if you guys like what I did for dinner,
just wait till you see
what I made for dessert.
- What's her problem?
- She looks happy.
- She is happy, and I know why.
- Yeah? Why?
'Cause I asked Santa to give her
her wish, and he did.
How many times do I have to tell you?
Santa does not give wishes.
- That's genies, stupid.
- He does give wishes, and you're stupid.
Hey, hey, hey, you three.
I don't want to hear any of that.
But, Momma, he started it.
I will not cut into this cake
until I feel some love in this room.
- There we go.
- Hey, all my peeps.
- And there it went.
- Look at all my shorties!
- You're supposed to call first, James.
That's me calling, right now.
Hello? Yeah, Kim, he's right here.
Thanks so much for the heads up.
Hey, well, you know, I was in the vicinity,
and I knew you wouldn't mind me
dropping this off personally.
Oh, you know, I'd like it a lot better
in the mail. You can just set it on the table.
Hey, I ain't missed nobody's birthday
or nothing, did I?
Nope. Mom just made it
because she's a really great mom
and she makes things.
You want to stay for dessert?
No, I can't do that. No dessert for me.
Actually, my dessert's out in the car.
Well, thanks for the check, James.
Daddy, wait. Guess what happened today.
A man saw Mommy
and said she looked nice.
- Is that so? Your mommy does look nice.
Yeah. And at these prices,
your mommy could be looking
a whole lot better.
I mean, your mommy got a lot of paper.
Your mommy got so much paper,
when she walk down the street,
trees get scared.
We checked all of them.
Body shop, butcher shop, camera shop.
Pet shop, grocery store,
Korean grocery store.
- Got it, got it.
- That's a pretty dress, Mommy.
- Oh, that's no dress, sugar. That's paint.
- Don't corrupt that child.
Anyway, since it doesn't seem
like he works anywhere,
maybe he was in the Starbucks next door.
- How was he acting? Caffeinated?
- I don't know. Maybe.
That's it then. I'll take the first shift.
We're gonna stake out a Starbucks?
Well, they have better coffee
than the body shop.
- You want to find him, don't you?
- Well, yeah, but...
- All you've been thinking about?
I know. Yes, I want to see him.
I would love to see him.
- Mommy, I got to go.
- Emily, you just went.
No, not to the bathroom. There.
- So, the mom wants to take you out?
- Isn't that what you want? She's beautiful.
- Yeah, she's beautiful.
- So what's wrong?
- This. This is what's wrong.
See, I don't know that she wants to meet me.
So, if I did meet her, me, as Benjamin,
if I met her, that would be a lie.
- But Santa...
- Santa knows that she wants to meet me.
- Like Santa knows, he's watching, knows?
No, no. Santa... Santa knows...
- Oh! Right.
...that she wants to meet me.
If I did that, then I would be exploiting
the confidential information
for personal gain, and that's not cool.
- It's the betrayal of the Santa trust, man.
Come on, man! Look, that would be true
if you were a doctor or something.
But you work in a mall, dawg, part time.
How about this? I meet her out once. Right?
Maybe at a coffee shop
or somewhere, right?
And I'll step to her
and I'll make something up.
Make something like,
"Yeah, baby, I'm from out of town,
"and I sell office supplies."
Something like that.
Right? 'Cause it's boring.
See, office supplies, that's boring,
and chicks don't dig that boring stuff, right?
You hear me on that, right?
Yeah, the office. Salt, can I get some salt?
You see, that way it's twofold,
because, as Santa, I fulfill my obligation.
I don't betray the child's trust.
And that's what's important.
Obligation and trust go together.
- Let me ask you a question.
- Got it.
Say a little snot-nose kid
like the one, you know?
What if he came to you,
"You know, Santa, I stole a Escalade.
"I need you to get me some rims,
some spinning rims."
Does that betray
the whole Santa trust thing?
Okay, but why would a child come up to me
and say he stole an Escalade? I don't...
Because you work in a mall, dawg,
That's why you ain't Santa.
You know what? Look, I'm leaving.
We've been sitting here like ninnies for,
what, an hour?
And for what? I may be a housewife,
but I'm not that desperate. I'm leaving.
Okay, okay, okay.
Your next one is definitely decaf.
It's crazy that we're sitting here
like Starbucks stalkers.
They're gonna name a drink after us,
the Crazy Lady Lattes.
Wait a minute.
- Why did we come here?
- I'm gonna pick up my jacket.
And they better not have cleaned it.
- Hurry up, man.
- Hey, look. 12 o'clock.
- That's not him.
Yeah, but he's big.
You know, like the jacket big?
- He's got a friend. Guys.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God, it's him.
- Oh, God, he's gorgeous.
- Do you think he's coming in here?
- He ain't moving.
Oh, God, please don't come in here.
Okay, how about I go next door
and bump into his friend, yeah?
No, no, I'll go. It'll be less obvious.
- No, no, neither.
- Less obvious?
- Titanic meet iceberg.
- Oh, you want to throw it out?
- What does that mean?
- Oh, whatever.
- Got to go find your man.
- No. No.
What did you do with the stuff
that was in the pockets?
I use it to scare away rats.
- You're the guy with the guy?
The good-looking guy in the car. What's
his name? What's he do? What's he make?
My friend wants to meet him.
- By the way, I'm Brenda.
- I'm Jamal.
- Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too. Oh, the guy.
- I know.
Oh. Oh, get ready, girl.
Here he comes. Here he comes.
- There. That guy, right there.
- My man?
Hey, hey! You, chocolate love! Come back.
- Hi. Again.
- From the cleaners, right?
- Yeah, right, right, from the cleaners.
- So, you're buying sweets?
- Sweets? Oh, yeah!
Yeah, I'm getting some sweets.
- Sweets for your sweetheart?
- No. No, I don't have a sweetheart.
- No, no, no. Totally free. Single.
- Cool, cool, yeah. So...
So, you know, I'm from out of town.
I was just walking by.
I had a little craving
for some petit fruit jelly beans, you know,
so I just came on in, you know.
I sell office supplies,
and it gets kind of boring, you know.
What about you?
I'm from town.
Single mother with three kids.
- And I just bought a stapler.
- That's good. That's good.
- Well, so if you ever need anything...
- I'm sure I'll need whatever you have.
By way of office supplies.
- I guess, you know, paper clips, pens...
- Pens. So many pens.
You know, 'cause I'll be,
"Oh my God, I need a pen."
- You need some pens?
- I need a pen, and I don't have a pen.
- But you have pens.
- Then I'm your guy.
- Benjamin Armstrong.
- Nancy. Will you go out with me?
- I'd love to.
I'm not cleaning that up.
- You look fabulous.
- Okay. Work it, work it.
- Pop them collars.
- Yeah. Oh, and your purse, darling.
- Thank you.
- Bye, Mom.
Remember to have fun.
Hey, there. That's real nice,
but you know what's missing there?
- What's that?
- The mohair swatch. Where's the mohair?
- I told you, mohair.
- Mohair, done.
J-Jizz. J-Jizzy? Hello? Hello?
what about your Christmas album?
Come on, man, you sweating me again?
Look, we gonna use the song right there.
- What? I Love Ho-Ho-Hoes? Or the one...
- No, no, no. The one right there. Yeah.
That's the one we're using. Yeah, that one.
Let me see if I got this right. We're using
I Saw Mommy Capping Santa Claus?
- Yeah, what's wrong with that, huh?
Hey, you know what, Delicious?
I've been watching you lately, man.
You've been stressing a lot
about this Christmas album.
I'm gonna tell you something, man.
You gonna mess around
and give yourself an ulcer.
You want to spend the rest of your days
- It could be gas.
- No more drinks. None of that.
Just buttermilk, buttermilk, buttermilk.
Me? I got to worry
about my spring line right here
that's missing the mohair swatch
like I asked for. Mohair.
Just keep on stressing yourself out.
- Don't stress.
That was not sexy. That was karate.
- John-John, hurry up and get dressed.
- I am dressed.
Your pants are on the bed.
Put them on or you don't eat.
Fine. I don't want to eat with that guy.
I don't want to meet him.
- I don't want to be on the same planet.
- I hear Pluto's nice.
- How do I look?
- Yeah, Momma.
- Beautiful flowers for a beautiful woman.
- Thank you.
This is for you.
- I'm Mikey.
- It's a pleasure to meet you, Mikey.
- And this little princess must be Emily.
- I'm not a real princess. Just for pretend.
Pretend? Well, you could have fooled me.
- And this must be the man of the house.
- So you're him, huh?
Mom, is this the best you could do?
Actually, it's not the best she could do.
I'm sure she can do a lot better.
But me, I'm on cloud nine.
Why don't I show you around
the rest of the house?
- You guys tired?
- I mean, no.
- Did you guys have fun today?
- Well, Benjamin liked you guys a lot.
- Does Dad know about him?
- No. He doesn't.
- Why not?
Because your dad and I lead different lives,
and we can do what we want.
- So why are you afraid to tell him?
- I'm not afraid. I just...
Well, I wanted to make sure
this was getting serious
before I said anything.
- Is it?
- Yeah, I think maybe it is.
You want to talk about this?
Okay, well, let me know
if you change your mind, okay?
You got us into this mess.
You're gonna get us out.
An eyeglass holder and a telescope
and a laptop.
You go tell that big red rat what I told you.
- Santa's not a rat.
- Yeah, whatever.
- Thanks. Bye.
- Where are you going? Hey! Hey.
Don't you want, like, a baseball glove?
Or a friend?
- You want a friend, right?
- I don't play sports,
and you're kind of starting to creep me out.
- And what's your name little girl?
- You know me. I'm Emily.
Emily, the little girl who wants a bike, right?
No, the girl who asked you
to send a nice man to her mommy.
Oh, yes. Yes, yes, I remember.
And how is that working out?
Does Mommy want another color?
No, she likes him fine.
It's my brother. He hates him.
- Yeah? Which one?
And how did you know I have two brothers?
Well, Santa knows all the brothers,
sweetheart. He knows all the brothers.
John-John says you got to get rid of him.
'Cause if you don't,
he's gonna give him the treatment.
- And what might that be?
- See, tomorrow we're going bowling.
And John-John says,
if Benjamin shows his face, he's gonna...
Sweetie, it's okay. It's okay. You know,
we're this close to a strike, okay?
You'll get it next time. All right?
There we go.
- John-John, you're up.
- That's right. Come on, John-John.
So, everything's all good, right?
Nancy, she's great.
Everything I ever wanted.
Well, don't sound so excited, light skin,
but they're looking at us.
It's crazy, though. I've always dated
these creative types my whole life.
- For better or worse.
- I'm not doing the Santa thing
and spying on her kids.
I'm lying to her face
about being some regular dude
selling office supplies.
And out of the blue, here comes this sweet,
straight-arrow of a guy
and I can't stop thinking about him.
I could really fall for him.
I done told Brenda so many lies,
I'm starting to believe them.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Just 'cause I got to lie,
that don't mean you got to lie.
Well, what do you think?
That you're executive
and you can hang out with an elf?
Okay, so what exactly is your job?
A bounty hunter? Really?
- He just doesn't seem the type.
- That's what I said.
But then he scooped me up
in his big gummi-bear arms,
and he said, "But I found you, didn't I?"
And I just... I just melted.
Oh, my goodness. That is so sweet.
And I see he inspired the new hairdo.
Let's not tell him it's not all real.
I could just kill him.
Kill him, kill him, kill him.
I think Benjamin's nice.
Well, I think he stinks.
Same as your buddy Santa Claus.
Hey, you take that back.
Why? He dumps that punk on us,
then won't get rid of him.
That's it. The treatment,
it starts right here, right now.
You know, I just don't get it.
Do you get it? 'Cause I don't.
- Maybe he's just better than you.
- Nobody is that good.
He knows everything.
Benjamin ain't better than me.
You ain't giving him no inside information,
What's inside information?
It's important stuff that's just between us,
me and you.
I don't tell anybody anything. Except...
- Except who?
- Santa. He gives me anything I want.
- Santa's real, John-John.
- No, he's not.
- Yes, he is.
- Yes, he is.
No, he ain't!
Go to the mall for yourself and see.
Step up, step up. Come on, come on.
Man, you're one big elf.
Come on. Here we go. Here we go. All right.
So what's your name, little...
I mean, young man.
Save it, okay?
I need you to get rid of somebody for me.
Santa doesn't like the sound of that.
I know you sent that Benjamin guy
'cause of my sister.
But now he just won't leave.
And my mom's just too nice
to tell him to buzz off.
Well, what would you like Santa to do?
You must have another hard up mother
somewhere. Give her Benjamin.
Well, Santa doesn't normally
do returns, son.
But give him time to think about it.
Well, think fast,
'cause I really, really want this guy gone.
- I'll think about it, young man.
I'm all right. I'm all right.
Good evening, sir.
- Notice anything different?
Are you sure?
You hear that? It's nothing.
Silence. The kids are at Robin's.
No. I mean, you know, it's just...
- What's wrong?
- I don't know, it's just us.
You are amazing. John-John, he hates me.
- He does not hate you.
- Trust me. He hates me.
He is a kid. He also hates homework
and broccoli and a lot of other things.
Exactly, and I'm the big green
leafy vegetable of boyfriends.
- Did he say something to you?
- No, not to me directly.
You should talk to him. Just tell him that
you want to be a part of his life.
All our lives.
Okay, deuce to seven lowball.
Aces and straights count as high.
How can you all sit here and play
this stupid game like nothing's happening?
- 'Cause some of us needs the money.
- Yeah, right.
Don't you get it? They're alone right now.
Stuff might happen.
Then we'll never get rid of that punk.
- What sort of stuff? Like kissing?
- Don't even say that.
Sweetie, he's a good man.
Your momma could do a lot worse.
I don't care how nice he is. He ain't my dad.
I'll take two. No, no, three. No, no, no, two.
Just the man I wanted to see.
My mom put you up to this, right?
I mean, you two are hooking up
no matter what I think,
so buy the kid a pretzel.
Maybe that'll shut him up.
Okay, first of all,
your mother didn't put me up to this.
- All right? And nothing's been decided.
- Yeah, right.
Did you want salt or do you want the plain?
- It's a joke. It's a joke.
What is that horrible sound?
I can play better than him.
You're talking about him
on the keyboard over there?
- You can play the keyboard?
- Hold on one second.
- Wait, where are you going?
Okay, sit down. Show me what you got.
All right, I will.
Okay, just concentrate. You got it.
There you go, all right.
There you go, there you go. All right.
- That's it. See?
That's the focus right there.
That's what I'm talking about.
Now, I want you to just give me two.
Just like ding, ding. Here we go.
There you go. That's it. That's it.
That's it. There you go.
See? They love it. They love it.
This is the keyboard, give me five. Like this.
Then you go keyboard. Tickle the keys.
Tickle the keys. There you go. Like that.
That's the keyboard five.
Give me the keyboard five.
No. No, I'm ready to go home.
No, come on, let's do it one more time.
Just one more time.
John-John, come on. We're just gonna do
it one more time, then we'll go. John-John.
You know, we're gonna go ahead
and lock this up now.
Jizzy, the album is not ready yet.
- Not ready?
Have you seen the cover art on this?
That cover art is cold, man.
This CD would sell
with no music on the album.
You know why?
Because my picture is on the cover.
Well, let's lock it up. Excuse me. I'm allergic
to stuff that don't make sense, Jizzy.
The album is not ready.
- Oh, yeah.
- Come on, you're killing me here.
We need a song, Jizzy. A song.
Okay, I know it could sell blank,
but people don't sell blank CDs, okay?
I tell you what.
Whatever is on this disk goes on the album.
All right. Whatever you say, boss.
It's not a big deal.
It's just our careers
and reputations on the line.
Whatever's on this, that's...
It's just your album, man. There you go.
That's what your new album sounds like.
It just needs a harp or something.
- Can't stop.
- Won't stop. Yeah. Yes.
Hey. So, are they asleep?
Out like a light, every last one of them.
So, how did it go with John-John?
- Yeah, yeah. It went cool. It was cool.
- Yeah? Really?
Yeah, it was real cool for about 30 seconds.
- Momma, I need water.
- Coming, baby.
- Don't go anywhere.
- Don't you worry about it.
I will not go anywhere.
- Hello, Benjamin Armstrong?
- Yeah, who's this?
- I been listening to your CD.
I'm kind of feeling it, you know.
I was wondering
- if me and you could do some business.
You know who this is, right?
Yeah, I think this is the call
I've been waiting for my entire life.
The call you've been waiting for all your life.
Yes. Halle Berry.
The call from the number one
record producer in the world.
None other than J-Jizzy.
Can't stop, won't stop. That's right.
Now, what I want you to do is tomorrow,
2:30 sharp, me and you, breakfast.
Cool. Cool. I'm there at 2:30. Yes!
Yes! I got the...
- Hey! Baby, baby.
- What happened?
- I just...
- Oh, my God.
I just sold my...
I just sold my whole catalog of pens.
- That's great.
The garlic from dinner. I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna go brush my teeth.
- Tell Robin I'll call her in the morning.
- All right, cool.
Robin, what's up?
She says she'll call you tomorrow.
- Who's this?
- Who's this?
Didn't I just finish talking to you
on the phone?
- Hey, who was on the phone?
- He said J-Jizzy.
Did you enter some type of contest
More like I lost one.
- It's my ex-husband.
- Your... Your...
I'm sorry. Yes, J.
May I ask who was that
that just answered the phone?
Nobody. What is it?
What is it? Well, our son,
John-John, just called me up.
He sounded very weird on the phone.
Well, if you talked to your son every once
in a while, he wouldn't sound so strange.
Have a dude answer the phone.
Try to get me jealous.
- That's my ex-husband.
- J-Jizzy is your ex-husband.
- So that means he's the pops, he's...
- He's John-John's pops.
- And Emily and Mikey, too. So what?
- All three, the whole...
Yeah, it doesn't matter.
It has nothing to do with us.
- Right. No, baby, I know. It sure doesn't.
- I know. I know.
- It doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't.
I can't believe I just said that
and actually meant it.
You know, I've been lying to myself,
you know, for years, saying,
he doesn't have this hold on me.
Just lying, lying, lying, you know?
He was preventing me
from actually having a life.
- And then you.
You. You. You set me free.
- No problem. You're welcome.
What? What, are you leaving?
I'm sorry. I thought you were finished.
You weren't finished?
I was finished, but I...
The kids are asleep,
and I was thinking that...
Yeah. You know what?
I'm sorry, but I'm going to call you.
I'm going to call you.
By the way, the whole speech,
it really hit right here. The game is free,
the free thing, it's...
Benjamin. I was... Hello. Wow.
Yo, man, you are not gonna believe
I'm over at Nancy's house, right? My cell
phone rings out the blue. Guess who it is?
J-Jizzy! He wants to buy my song.
- That's good.
- Yeah, that's good, that's good.
- No! It's not.
- It's good until Nancy's phone rings.
And guess who it is? J-Jizzy again, man.
It turns out that J-Jizzy
is Nancy's ex-husband.
- She's his ex-wife!
- Yeah, I knew that.
Man, how come you didn't tell me?
How could you leave me...
What is all this?
- You're an elf.
I'm not an elf. Elfstein, 2223.
Bounty, yeah, we'll catch him.
I'm a bounty hunter
just like you're an office...
Whatever, man. I'm telling...
I just don't know what I'm gonna do, Jamal.
What am I gonna do?
You know, all my life I've been looking
for two things, all right?
There's true love, and my big break.
- Now if I choose one, then I lose the other.
What do you mean why, man?
What am I gonna say to Nancy?
Okay, yeah, by the way, Nancy.
Yeah, baby, yeah.
I don't sell pens, baby.
No, no, I don't sell pens.
I'm just this shysty song-writing Santa,
who, now I have to dump you
and kiss up to your ex-husband.
And then, what about J-Jizzy? This is what
J-Jizzy is gonna say. He gonna be like,
"Yeah, Mr. Songwriter.
Yeah, let me tell you something.
"I will buy your song, but by the way,
have fun taking care of my kids."
- Jamal. Baby, who's there?
- Nobody, baby.
This lieutenant lost his mind and came by.
Go to sleep.
Look, Three-Card Monte.
Yeah, we should run down to Hell's Kitchen.
We used to give it to them.
Same game. You just can't get caught
in the same room at the same time
with either one of them.
You're right. It is the same. I just move here.
They're over there, I move here.
- Cool. Cool.
- And one other question. Hey, but wait.
- I mean, he's a decent-looking man.
- No, Delicious, you're talking about sass.
There's sass behind this man.
Look at him, man. He's coffee-bean black.
Women love a coffee-bean black balladeer.
That white turtleneck don't hurt neither.
- And the caramel hat...
- Makes me hungry.
Yeah, it makes you want to have
a Reese's Cup or something.
You know what I mean?
- Women like Reese's Cups.
- Yeah. He looks like cookies and milk.
That's what we should call him,
Cookies and Milk.
Cookies and Milk. That's... You know what?
That's better than Peaches and Herb.
Cookies and Milk.
Cookies and Milk. There's two of them,
but it's just him with the...
We'll release the CD.
It'll have one free chocolate chip cookie
- with each CD.
- Call it Munchies.
- Munchies, yeah.
- That's the name of his album.
I like it, man. I'm liking that.
So, how was that?
I mean, I could step it up a little bit,
you know, if you want it
a little bit more up-tempo.
Or I could dial it back,
if you want to vibe with it a little bit.
You know, just vibe.
You need to head on down
to our business affairs office
and talk to my man Sydney Kimmelfarb.
He gonna hook you up
with our standard contract.
Well, cool, cool.
That's what's up. That's what's up. All right.
I'll come by and see you all on my way out.
Out? Ain't no out.
We laying this right now, player.
You contractually obligated
to lay this track right now.
Okay, all right.
But I haven't signed a contract yet.
Well, you'd best take care of that then.
- He's white.
Right, right. Kimmelfarb. Got it.
Cool, all right.
Look, baby, I can't make you any promises.
- We don't even know if he's in there.
- I don't care. I just want to see him.
- You can drop me off. I'll wait.
- I'm not gonna drop you off, John-John.
Baby. Don't get out of this car. Boy!
Ben, where you at?
Listen, I can't make it, okay?
I'm stuck at J-Jizzy's studio.
You're gonna have to fill in for me.
That's right. It's time.
It's time for you to step up.
Be the man. Be the big red one.
Be the suit, baby.
- How're you guys doing?
- Just trying to keep up with this one.
Yeah, you've gotten so big.
Hey, did you find Sydney?
He wasn't where he was supposed to be.
Well, okay, well, let's get it started.
We can get it all legal later.
Hey, is that Nancy? You know...
I guess diarrhea can hit you at any time.
Hey, what's up, shorty? My man.
- I miss you, Dad.
- I miss you, too, man. I miss you a lot.
But unfortunately, you know,
Daddy's making a song today. I'm...
John-John, why don't you go to the kitchen
and get yourself a soda?
Okay. I'll let you guys fight now.
- Sorry about that.
- Hey, hey, no problem.
- If you gotta go, you gotta go.
You wash your hands? Just playing.
Stay away from the fruit.
Anyway, we'll get down there.
They're getting started.
How many songs you got in you, Benjamin?
What's your dreams? Your hopes?
Tell me everything.
- I got some songs in there.
- I got...
- Anything good? I like your songs, man.
- Sorry about that. I got it.
- Not the fruit.
I spent all day...
Okay. Don't even worry about that.
I'm gonna make him a smoothie
or something. There's got to be...
Just grab the pieces
that fell on another piece.
That's fine, right there. Yeah, that's good.
That's right, little Cindy.
What do you mean you didn't get your bike?
This isn't about you or me.
This is about John-John.
I told you I was going to make time for him.
- Right there.
- Not right now.
- It's always not right now.
- Over there.
You wanna know why
he had to see you today?
Why he was holding onto you so tight?
I met a man, James. Yeah, a man.
A nice, normal man.
A man that John-John
actually made a connection with,
- and it scared the daylights out of him.
- I don't got time for this right now.
I'm working on an album. Right, Delicious?
He does not have time.
He is working on an album. Trying...
- Stay out of this, Delicious.
- Mind your business.
I'm working on an album. Okay?
I gotta turn it in.
The deadline is Christmas Eve.
Everybody's gonna be there.
BET, Entertainment Tonight.
This is why you want the kids
for the holidays.
You don't even care about Christmas.
You need them for the cameras
so Daddy can sell a few more CDs.
- You are whacked.
- And you're pathetic.
I just pray that the judge sees through you
faster than I did.
Judge gonna also see
that you done gained weight.
Where's Mr. Songwriter at?
Come on, let's do this.
And a bike, too.
And a puppy, too.
Okay, a puppy. You're gonna get it.
Come on, it's okay. I'm Santa. It's okay.
- Go, go.
- No, I don't want to. I don't want to.
I got you. I got you!
I got you!
Yo, an album deal, man.
Yeah, with J-Jizzy, I swear to God.
- Look, man, that's great news. There you go.
- You know what this means, right, Jamal?
- Benjamin Armstrong is a real songwriter.
- Well, check this out.
- I'm a real bounty hunter. That's right.
- Man, not so tight.
Hey, y'all be careful with him, man.
He's worth 500 bucks.
I gotta go dookie.
- You ain't gotta go to no bathroom.
- I want to go dookie.
All right, it's time for stockings.
Now, be careful with the glitter, okay?
- Okay, Mommy.
- All right.
- Fun, fun, fun.
- Thank you.
Okay, why the long face?
Benjamin and I were supposed to go
look for a tree today.
I don't know what happened.
I guess he just forgot.
Honey, there could be 100 reasons
why he ran out like that.
- Maybe he's never coming back.
- Now, honey, men are like trees.
Rough, sturdy, but dull,
until a woman gets her hands on him,
gives him a little personality.
- Then once you've done all that...
- They leave you for a shrub.
No, they dry up, their limbs shrivel,
and they become a fire hazard.
- No and no.
- Saved by the bell.
Now, if you don't like this, there's another
one hanging from my rear view mirror.
Kids, Brenda, let's go
and have some cocoa. Yeah?
- What about the tree?
- Momma's chopping it down,
- right now, baby.
- Let's just... Come on. Come on.
- Wait. Wait.
- Look, about the other night...
- You don't have to say a word.
- Actually, yes, I do.
- Then just let me go first.
We have a beach house in Santa Barbara,
and we go there every Christmas,
you know, me and the kids. Just us.
You know, our family.
And I'd love it if you would come
with us this year.
- I'll be right back.
Man, I gotta do it now. I gotta do it now.
Okay, the pens, Santa. No. What do I do?
- Pens, songwriter, Santa.
No, Santa, pens, songwriter.
Santa, pens, songwriter. Santa, pens...
- What's wrong?
- That was my attorney.
He ruled in Jizzy's favor.
He gets the kids for Christmas.
- So you didn't say nothing to her?
- No, man, how could I?
She just lost her kids for Christmas.
I just couldn't put that on her.
And Jizzy, to her, sucks as a father.
- Yeah, but he's still their father.
I said he's still their father.
This guy butters your bread just a little bit
and now you rolling with it?
- No. No.
- It sounds like you're rolling with it.
Look, if the judge agrees with him,
how come I can't?
You don't understand, man.
You just don't understand.
Okay, choose. Which one do you want
to take with you to see your dad?
I don't know. Which one's the bike?
Santa's still working on that one.
I want you to pick one of these.
- I want that one.
- Okay, good choice.
- I hope it's a race car.
- Here you go.
I want you.
I can't go, baby.
But you'll only be gone a week, right?
And then, when you get back,
we can all have our very own
special Christmas. Okay?
I'll get it!
Okay, come in.
- Hi, Melody Oates.
J-Jizzy sent us to fit the kids
for the party tonight.
- Nobody called?
If they try them on,
we can hem them right here.
I'm sorry. When exactly did my kids
become The Jackson Five?
- I ain't being Michael.
- Sorry, ma'am, I'm just doing my job.
Kim? Get him here now.
This is a new low, J, even for you.
You got what you wanted. You got the kids
on the most special day of the year.
You want to parade them around
like a damn circus act.
- Look, this is just a party.
- Yeah, a party for you. Not them. You.
You know what? I see what this is all about.
- You just mad 'cause you lost.
- The kids are the losers in this, J.
Not me or you. They could have had
a real Christmas, a normal Christmas.
- With a real family.
- With who?
You and that chump
you've been running around with?
He's not a chump, J. He's a grownup.
Unlike this 40-year-old spoiled brat
in a cheap chinchilla.
I'm 35, I'm not spoiled, and guess what?
We gonna see how much of a man he is
when he hook with me.
I can't wait for you to meet.
I gotta thank my lucky stars that I met him,
because I just hope, one day,
we can get married.
- Hold on, man, you can't just...
- Shut up! I got something to say.
Why are you doing this?
You said you were gonna help me.
You send us this guy, and now
my mom says she's gonna marry him.
She loves him, you fat jerk.
Now Mom and Dad
will never get back together.
- Okay, now, hold on.
- I hate you. I hate you.
I'm... Santa is sorry. Okay?
He didn't mean for this to happen.
That man is never gonna
see your mother again, okay?
Jamal, I'm out. I'll be back.
- Hey, Nancy.
Listen, about the beach house.
Something came up.
I'm not going to be able to make it.
That's cool. We can just
do the holidays somewhere else.
I can't do that, either.
In fact, I can't do us anymore. I just...
I won't be seeing you again. I'm sorry.
Wait. What? Hello?
The kids are fine. They're watching a video,
and these are for you.
- It's okay. It's okay.
Mommy and Benjamin broke up. Sorry.
- Mom. Don't cry.
- That's okay. I'm gonna be okay.
She'll get over it.
I didn't just do this for me.
I did this for all of us.
Don't you want Dad back? I do.
I mean, sure, they fight all the time,
but that's what people
who love each other do. They fight.
- I liked Emily's wish better.
Hey, everybody, we are coming at you live
from the J-Jizzy Christmas album
for J-Jizzy's Rockin' Christmas.
Yeah, Christmas is a very
special time for me.
- It's very spiritual.
- Yeah, I got them. They just pulled up.
Time to spend time with the children,
your loved ones, family.
And this Christmas,
I intend to spend most of it with my family.
- Dad! Over here!
- Kids are here.
Do I look like I'm finished right now? Put
them in the dressing room or something.
- We ain't got time for that. Let's go.
Yeah, I love you, too.
As I was saying, I love family.
- All aboard.
- Come on, kids. Free rides.
Look. Look there. And there. And over there.
All right, come on. That's enough of that.
Let's go. We gotta go this way.
What are you looking at? You're not here
for fun. You're here to work, all right?
What I thought was gonna be
the perfect Christmas
is shaping up to be the worst Christmas.
- Okay. This is not the worst Christmas.
- Yeah, you've got us, and we're your girls.
No, you're right, you know.
And James does know
how to throw a good party, right?
- I'm sure the kids are having a good time.
Look at me.
- Come on. Come on.
- You're the gal I always dreamed of.
- What do you mean, Mike?
When I was in the war,
I thought about you all the time.
I have every single one of your letters,
and I always remember Christmas Eve
you sent me a special something.
Thank you. Thank you. Good to see you.
Thanks for coming.
You know she's talking about
marrying this chump, right?
I can't afford for that to happen.
That's gonna make me look stupid.
- You know what I'm gonna do?
- What's that?
I'm gonna marry her.
- Then I'm gonna dump her.
Hey, what's up, shorty? What's going on?
- The mall is closed.
- Let me in. I need to see Santa.
- Don't listen to him, kid.
- Can you let me in?
From the looks of things, I'd say
what you need is a good nose blowing.
- I just need to see him.
- It's Christmas Eve, son.
- It's a little late to be hauling out your list.
- Please, I gotta give back the wish. Please.
Let me see what I can do.
Probably get fired for this.
I hope you ain't one of them
teenage cat burglar types.
- No, I'm a good kid.
- All right, go on.
- Thank you.
- Santa, you're here.
- Where's your mother?
- She's at home, crying. Emily's crying.
and it's all because of me.
My dad doesn't even love my mom.
Benjamin does. Can you bring him back?
Please? It's all I want for Christmas. I swear.
Hey, you know what you need?
You need a good long vacation.
- Right, like I have time for a vacation.
- Let's go to a beach.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah, it's me.
Did John-John come over there?
I still need him!
I'll stay here, just in case he comes back.
So, that's the story.
All I can say, John-John, is that I'm sorry.
I'll keep saying I'm sorry till April
if you want me to.
Who are you gonna be then? Easter bunny?
This is the most recent picture we got,
The father is where?
He's right over there.
He's distraught and everything.
- Find my shorty, man.
- All right. I want eyes up high,
- in case he's wandering in the perimeter.
- Eyes up high.
- All right, go.
- We're on our way now.
Is there any word on the child?
- You can't come through here, ma'am.
- No, I'm his mother.
- Thank you.
- Well, we gotta get you back to that party.
- Let's go.
- All right.
He's my son. He's my son.
- I just think we just need a second to sort...
- Where is he?
- Where is John-John?
Wow. Check out all the cops.
I wonder what happened.
- Let him through.
- I'm a bounty hunter. Okay?
Delicious, do not handle me.
I know when I'm being handled. Stop.
- Where is our son?
- Look, I tell you this much.
Instead of all this time-out stuff,
maybe you should try peeling his butt
when you find out where he's at.
Why? Because he ruined
your precious party?
And where's Mikey? Where's Mikey?
There's all of these people,
you don't even know where Mikey is.
- Look up in the balcony.
- Mommy. Help, Mommy.
Mikey! Hold on, baby.
Do something. James, do something.
- Mikey, hold on, baby. Hold on.
Don't move, kid. Someone's coming to help.
- James! Don't just stand there. Help him.
Mikey, Mikey. Come on, come on.
- Come on.
Hold on, Mikey.
- Reach. Reach. Reach hard.
Mikey, hold on, baby.
Come on, Mike. Come on.
- Help me, Santa, help me.
Come on, I got you. I got you. Just reach.
I got you.
Now, you know,
I wasn't about to let that happen.
- Go on.
How do you know Benjamin?
how do you know Benjamin?
- How do you know him?
- Yeah, how do you know her?
Exactly. A really laughable,
Well, make me laugh then, Mr. Songwriter.
Songwriter? You're a songwriter?
He's no songwriter, Daddy.
He's Mommy's boyfriend.
- You're Santa Claus also?
- Well, it's only seasonal.
- Pays close to nothing, but I'm Santa.
- A lot of surprises.
But it turns out to be
one of the best gigs I've ever had.
You know, as a struggling songwriter
I've had a lot of gigs.
I'm glad you enjoyed the journey,
'cause your days as a struggling songwriter,
they far from over. You're fired, chump.
I want that cut pulled immediately.
A couple of problems with that, boss.
First, the album's already been shipped off,
that's the best song on the whole album.
So you might want to keep that one
on there, just for sales and all.
Okay, then, since you like the song so much
you can spend the rest of your days
listening to it. You fired!
- I'm fired?
- But, Daddy, he is right. It is a great song.
- And you fired, too!
As my son.
In fact, everybody's fired, as my fans.
I want you all out. Everybody, get out!
Rottweiler! Routine 919. Sexy exit.
- Yeah, that's sexy.
- Get off!
That day at the mall.
My wish. The compliment.
Emily told you, didn't she?
Yeah. That's where the lie began.
But right here is where that lie ends.
You okay? You want me to come with you
so you don't have to spend
Alone? I got plenty of company.
That ain't the reason
why you can't come with me, though.
- You ought to be with your momma.
I mean, she got this whole holiday thing
down to a science.
Fact is, she always did.
- And you're right. It's a good song, too.
- Told you.
Hey, you know I love you
and your momma, right?
- And your brother and your sister.
I love all of y'all. Sometimes I get
carried away with this whole J-Jizzy's thing.
I say stuff that hurt people's feelings,
but I don't mean it.
- Merry Christmas, Dad.
- Yeah, merry Christmas.
Rottweiler. Daddy's leaving.
So I knew the truth
was gonna come out sometime.
Just want to say I'm sorry.
You really are one of the best things
that's ever happened to me.
Mikey, keep up with them race cars,
Emily, you really are a princess.
What you waiting for? Go get him!
- Yeah, Mommy, go get your man.
- Yeah, go get him.
I think I need a pen.
Daddy fired John-John.
What's worse than that is
Daddy fired me, too.
So now I'm on my own, looking
for some hot new talent to cut a cool record.
Well, I just want a kiss on that.
- They want to kiss all the time.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Well, I guess a wise woman
was right after all.
The best Christmas present
is a happy family all wrapped up together.
Ho, ho, ho, merry Christmas.
I know. I know.
What would you do without me?
And to all a good night.
I almost forgot. Merry Christmas!
Why is it every time you gotta win?
Why can't I have one?
I have one?