Hot Rod Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Hot Rod script is here for all you fans of the Andy Samberg movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Hot Rod quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Hot Rod Script

Kevin. Did we reinforce
the take-off ramp?

Nah, we didn't have time.


Soul of an eagle.

Oh, shit.

Are you okay?

What's up, little riders?

I'm jumping the public pool tomorrow.
2 bucks. Tell your friends.

Eat some smoke!

That's just a sample.

See you there.

Pink grapefruit.


- Toasted marshmallow.
- Yes.

Finish her off.


Psych! Very Cherry.

A hundred straight.

I'm gonna go drop some dumpage.

- Voltron?
- That's me.

- Hi, Dave.
- How you doing, Cathy?

Why'd you call yourself Voltron?

I don't know.
Maybe 'cause it's super badass.

- You're weird.
- Hells, yeah, I am.

Yoo-hoo, shitheads.

I just found a bag of fireworks
in the men's restroom.

Would you guys 
like to light them off?

All right, boys. 
Prepare to be dazzled.

Jumping the pool tomorrow!

God damn. Rod!

Have you seen my hip pads?

In the kitchen.

Rod, maybe you shouldn't fight 
Frank this week.

You know, you could rest up
for the jump tomorrow.

Relax, Kev. I'm gonna win this time.
I did, like, 40 crunches yesterday.

What is it with you two, anyway?

You wouldn't understand, Kevin.

He's your real dad
so he automatically loves you.

But he's my stepdad. I have to earn it.

Ancestors, protect me

May they protect you




Never sneak up on a man
who's been in a chemical fire.

- Sorry.
- On your feet.

What's this?

Rhodesian fighting sticks.
Very, very lethal.

Rhodesian. Of course.

Come on.

You are pathetic!

Stop, stop, I give up! I give up!


No, Frank!

Play the victim,
and you will be the victim.

Very good, Frank.

Very impressive. Ultimate punch!

I'm gonna knock
that ridiculous mustache

right off your face.

All great men have mustaches, Frank.

Yeah, but real men actually grow them.

You know I have a hormone disorder!

You'll see, Frank.

One day, I'll punch you right in the face,
and then you'll respect me.

I'll believe it when I see it, muchacho.

Take out the trash.

Nailed it.


- Denise!
- Hey!

How's it going?


Great. Everything's going super great.

You look different.

Oh, really? Well, it's been a while.

You look...

You look pretty much exactly the same.

Yeah. Thanks.

And I see you're still doing your stunts.

Big time.


Here. Peep the strategy.

You're jumping the pool? Wow!

Yeah, it's the real deal.
You should come.

Maybe I will. Thanks.


Well, I gotta go. I gotta feed Buddy,
but very nice to see you, Rod.

Yeah, you too.

You look pretty.

What did you say?

I said you look shitty.
Good night, Denise.

Hey, Pop.

It's me, Rod.

I sure wish you were alive.

You'd tell me how much you respect me

and we'd do stunts
and grow mustaches together.

You may have died
an anonymous stuntman,

but you live on through me.

I miss you, Daddy.

Hey, Rod?

Get out!

All right, everybody,
let's clear the pool.

There's gonna be a jump.

Come on, seriously, guys.
It's gonna be pretty amazing.

Okeydoke, Rod. It's regulation size.

Thanks, Rico.
Hey, have you seen Kevin anywhere?

He's not here.

What do you mean he's not here?
He's team manager.

- He has to be here.
- I know, right?

Richardson, out of the pool. Let's go.

No can do, Dave.

Come on, Richardson.
You're being a tool, man.

There is no tool in this pool.

And I'd happily get out,
if you let me join your crew.

You can't join the crew, Richardson.
You don't do anything.

Oh, don't I?

You like what you see?


Denise. Hey.

Looks exciting.
Is there anything I can do to help?

Oh, no, it's cool.

Stop it!

I think my crew's got it
pretty much covered.


- Good luck.
- Don't worry, Denise.

I've done this before.

Totem spirit, fox.

Please, God, don't let me
embarrass myself in front of Denise.


I'm home.


You missed the jump.

I totally landed it.

Rod, thank goodness you're home.

What's going on? Is this some sort of
interactive theater art piece?

It's Frank. He's very sick.

What? Since when?

Since 21 years ago.

It's his heart.

He needs a transplant,
and our insurance won't cover it.

They say he's too high-risk. Oh, Rod.

He doesn't have much time left.

No way.

We would've told you sooner, but
we knew how much it would upset you.

So, you just decided to keep me
and Kevin in the dark?

Oh, no, we told Kevin.
We just didn't think you could handle it.

I can handle it.

I love you, Kevin.
I want you to have my watch.

I love you, too, Dad.

Hold on, Frank! Don't die!

Let's let them talk.

Sorry, boy. My time's up.

But I still need to kick your ass.
How can I do that if you're dead?

Well, then,
I guess I'll die still champion.

No way. Let's do it right now.
One more for the road.

Beating me wouldn't mean
anything now. I'm all through.

All I want is to earn your respect, Frank.
How can I do that if you won't fight me?

Well, maybe you should've
thought of that

before you sucked at being a man
all your life.

Oh, my God. I hate you so much,
I just wanna smash your face in.

Too late. I'm a dead man.

What about the transplant?

Oh, sure. 50 grand.
You gonna pay for it?

- No!
- 'Course you're not.

Let's face it. You're a kid.

You live at home. You got no job.

All you're good for is goofing around
with your friends on your moped.

You're wrong, Frank. I'm not a kid.
I'm a man.

I am gonna get you better.
And then I'm gonna beat you to death!

You couldn't beat a drum.

- Rod, are you okay?
- I need to go to my quiet place!


Oh, my God!

And that is how it's done.


It's amazing.

That really hurt.

Okay, you guys. Thanks for meeting me.

As you all know, I recently found out
that my stepfather, Frank,

is on his deathbed.

I needed to think last night,
so I galloped into a wooded glen.

And after punch-dancing out my rage

and suffering an extremely long
and very painful fall,

I realized what has to be done.

We're gonna raise the money
to save Frank's life.

Well, that's awesome, Rod,

but how exactly
do you plan on doing that?

One big jump, gentlemen.

The biggest jump this town's ever seen.

We're gonna jump 15 buses.

Whoa. Come on, Rod.

That's nearly as many
as Evel Knievel jumped.

It's actually one more
than Evel Knievel jumped, Rico. I know.

I checked. Online.

Now, I've gotta be in top physical form
if we're gonna do this jump.

- I'm sorry, Dave.
- What's that?

Where are you going?

I'm sorry, man. I just realized,
I'm late for work at the ice rink.

- So, is that a problem?
- Yes.

Now, this jump demands
that I be in top physical condition.

I've already drafted
a rough schedule of exercises

that will help us take things
to the next level.

Once training is complete, we'll turn
our attention to funding the jump.

By my estimations,
we'll need to raise around $5,000.

That includes bus rentals,
ramp construction,

team hats and wrist bands,

and a $9 per diem
for each crew member.

Now you're talking.

We're gonna have to raise money fast.

I'll drum up small-scale stunt work
at birthday parties.

We're talking escape tricks,
fire breathing.

Anything to please the rug rats.

Also, we're gonna have to organize a
lot of shopping carts.

And we're gonna go through some trash
for cans and newspaper to sleep on.

Hey! What are you guys doing?


Once we've raised the money,
we'll use it to put on the bus jump,

make $50,000, and save Frank's life.

Now, who's with me?

Let's celebrate.

Buddy. Come on.

Hey, Rod.


Denise, what's up?

Not much.

Funky fresh.

I heard about your plan to save Frank.
I think that's great.

Oh, yeah. I'm mainly just doing that
so I can kick his ass.


So, Denise, I think I know
why you came over here.

- You do?
- Yeah.

You wanna join my crew.

I can't lie. I think it's a great idea.

We could use someone
with your college experience.

- Cool. I'd love to join.
- Whoa, whoa, Denise. Slow down.

You can't just waltz in off the street
and demand to be in my crew.

- But I thought you...
- Yeah, I know what you thought.

But the fact is you can't join
until you go through initiation.

All right. What's the initiation?

It's crazy.

It's like the craziest thing
you could even imagine.


Here we go.

Rod! Rod.

Welcome aboard.

I'm kind of grumpy today, dude.
I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

I was having those dreams again.

You know how it's just me in a castle.
I gotta fight, like, a thousand wizards.

The only way to beat them is to punch
them as hard as I can in their faces.

And then, when I'm done,
all their little wizard wives came out

and wanted me
just to have sex with them.

Which is kind of weird.

Hey, look at this, huh?

Hey, everybody.
I've got some awesome news.

We have a new crew member today.

Hi, everyone.

So, I thought it'd be fun
if we all went around

and said our name
and a little something about ourselves.

I'll start. My name is Rod,

and I like to party.

All right, Dave. You're up.

Hi. My name is Dave,

and I like to party.

No, Dave. I just said that I party, so
maybe do something different from me.

My name is Dave,
and I am the stunt man.

You know what? Let's move on.
Rico, you're up.

Hello. I'm Rico, and I like to party.

Yeah. Rico?
What did I just say to Dave?

- Who?
- Dave.

- I like to party. I'm Rod.
- No. You're Kevin.

Right. Kevin. I party.

No. No, you don't.
Okay, nobody parties but me.

Yes. And we party.

- No.
- Yeah, just Rod.

- Yes.
- And me.

- No! I'm the only one who parties.
- I'm pretty sure I've partied before.

No, Kevin, I know for a fact
you don't party, okay? You do not party.

- You're right. Dave's the party guy.
- Sweet.

Oh, my God. Shut up, okay?
I'm just gonna do it for you.

Denise. This is the crew.

Dave's the mechanic.
Rico makes the ramps.

And Kevin is
team manager/videographer.

None of them party. Right?

Got it?


Let's party.

Pools are perfect
for holding water, man.

Man, I don't really know about having
a girl on the team, man.

All right, Rico, listen.

There's an ancient Italian maxim
that roughly translates to,

"He who is resistant to change
is destined to perish."

So, why don't you try to open up
that mind of yours? You know?

It's like, look at Kevin. I mean, he...

Real mature, man.

Yeah, don't you ever tell me
how to live my life again.

Okay, you guys.

If I'm gonna jump 15 buses, my body's
gonna have to be in top physical form.

Which brings us to our first exercise.
Lung strengthening.

You guys are gonna hold me
under water for 40 seconds.

That's 20 less than a minute.

My body's natural instinct
is gonna be to resist.

But, no matter what, don't let up.

If there's any problem at all,
I will ring this bell.

Hey, Dave. Mom wants to know
if your friends want some grape punch.

Maggie! Don't even ask. Just bring it.
Come on.

Don't just stare at me! Go! Thank you.

Soul of a bottlenose dolphin.

Hey, y'all.

Mom said there wasn't enough grape,
so it's mixed with cherry. Is that okay?

Yeah, fine, Maggie. Put it on the table.

Which table?

You tell me, Brainiac.
It's your front yard, too.

Hey, little girl! I don't want cherry.
It upsets my stomach!

37, 38, 39, 40. Okay. Let him up.

Get him out, get him out, get him out!

Get him up, get him up.

Rod, can you hear me?
Can you hear me?

Come on, Rod.

- Nice.
- Oh, God.

- Oh, man.
- What happened?

You almost drowned. Denise just gave
you mouth-to-mouth and saved you.

Did it look like we were making out?

A little bit.


Are you okay?

Oh. Hey, Denise. What's up?

Great. I'm just gonna go wash off
this puke from my face.


Speed management.

G force.

Let's run it.

My safe word will be whiskey.

Sorry, Rod. What was that?


Don't you mean whiskey?


- You're saying it weird.
- Saying what weird?

All of it.

Where do you get off?

I just don't get
why you're saying it that way.

Why I'm saying what what way?

- Forget it.
- I will. I will forget it.

Denise. Would you kindly clear
the wheels?

Okay, here we go. On three.


- two...
- Whoa, whiskey!





Oh, shit!


Are you okay?

The safety word didn't help.

My trailer! What the hell?

One of you is getting
your dick-hole smashed!

I'm freaking pumped! I've been drinking
green tea all goddamn day!


Man, he hit his ass
with a parking cone. Nice!

God, I go to church
every goddamn Sunday!

You gonna bring the demons out of me!

- All right, Rico. You got him.
- Rico.

Not with the trash can, buddy.
No, no, come on.

- Trash!
- All right, let's get him off of him.

- Okay, okay, okay.
- No, no. No!

This is my hat, now.

This is totally my hat.


So, how do you like
being in the crew so far?

- It's been interesting.
- Told you.

Stop it.

Hey, Denise?

There's something I wanted to ask you.



I couldn't help but notice
that we've both matured a lot,


And I was just wondering if maybe...

Hey, Rod. What's that song called,

about the grandma
getting run over by a reindeer?

Grandma Got Run Over
by a Reindeer?



Hey, what are you doing?
I thought you were at work.

Wanted to come by
and surprise my little girl.

Hey, guys.

This is Jonathan.
He's visiting from the city.

- What's up, fellas?
- I'm gonna grab my jacket.


So, what are you supposed to be?

A stuntman.

How about you, precious?

I'm a team manager.



Have a nice day, guys.


Oh. Rod, what were you gonna ask me?

Oh, right.

I was going to ask you
who you think would win

in a fight between
a grilled cheese sandwich

and a taco.

Is that really what you were gonna ask?


Grilled cheese. But only in a fair fight.

If it's prison rules, I'd take the taco.

Wow. That's pretty racist, but correct.

I'll see you guys.

You know what car is super-overrated?

- What?
- Corvette.

You mean, like the one
Jonathan was driving?

Is that what he was driving?

Must've been what reminded me.

I don't know,
I thought it was kind of cool.

Okay, boys. Now, this is the first time

your father's feeling well enough
to sit with us at the dinner table.

So I want everyone to promise me,
no fighting.

What're you looking at me for?
Kevin could fight him.

- I promise not to fight him.
- Thank you, Kevin.

- Rod?
- Fine, I promise.

Thank you.

Hi, Kevin.

Hey, Dad.

Thank you, dear.


So, Frank.

I'm sure you've heard the plan
to get you a new heart is going great.


Well, it is.

You can say thanks, if you wanted.

No, I'm good.

I know what you're doing, Frank.

You're trying to make me lose
my temper.

But it's not gonna happen.

I'm afraid cooler heads have prevailed.

You're the devil!

All right! That's enough.

Frank, back to bed.

Rod, outside.


Have fun being married to Satan!

Nice work, Rico!

So, Denise. Tell me about Jonathan.
What's that dude all about?

Well, we've been going out
for about a year.

- And it's going well?
- Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, every relationship has
its ups and downs, but...

Right. I've heard that.

And he's a nice guy?

Oh, yeah. I mean, he's really smart.

He's actually in line to become
a junior partner at his law firm.

Right. Totally.
You guys should break up.

- What?
- Nothing. Hey, Dave's back.

You guys, the bathroom here is nuts.

What do I owe you?




$2.39's your change. Thank you.

We don't talk much, do we?
Cathy, was it?

I'm Rod. I do awesome stunts.

All the time, with my friends.
You probably didn't know that.

And you probably have lots of cool stuff
about you that I don't know.

The point is, if you don't sit down
with someone and really talk

and get to know them,
you never find those things out.

So, what do you say?
You wanna make this thing official?

Are you asking me out?

Oh, Cathy!

Wow, Rod. I can't believe she said yes.

Yeah, well, you have only to believe if
you wish to achieve, Kevin.

That rhymed. Unintentional.

Man, Rod. I am just green
with jealous rage right now.

- She's really pretty.
- I know, D.

But it's more than that with Cathy.
It's emotional.

She really gets me.

Tell you what. Why don't you grab
that brainy beau of yours

and we'll make it a double date.


- Sure.
- Okay. That sounds like fun.

Great, because I also think
it sounds like fun.

A lot.


I know you're sleeping,

but I just wanted you to know
that training is going really great.

My reflexes are sharp.

I'm crazy agile.

And I have a date.

So, anyways, that's the update.

Sleep tight.

Who are you talking to?

Oh, when you're going on a date

You put on a shirt

And you drive your bike to the date

Looks like you got stood up, huh?

No, she's coming.


Hey, guys, can I take your order?

No, we're actually waiting for...

Yeah, we'll take
three Flaming Dr. Peppers.


So, Super Dave.

Denise tells me you're working on
some pretty big-time stuff.

Yeah, well, I been doing stunts
since I was a kid,

so it's not really a big deal to me.

Yeah, me neither.
I was just being polite.

But thanks for letting me off the hook.


Here we go.

Oh, speak of diablo.

Bombs away.

Boom! There's the flavor!

So, how's your mom holding up, Rod?

Oh, pretty good, I guess.

I mean, sometimes I think
she's really sad.

Holy shit, is that Sullivan? Sully!

- Bro, no way!
- No way, Sully.

Babe, I gotta say "what up" to Sullivan.

- Okay.
- Sweet.

Hey. Don't you two go falling in love
while I'm gone.

Like that'll happen.

Sullivan, you chode!
I owe you a shot to the nuts!

Maybe you should call her, Rod.
Just check in.

Nah. She hates it
when I try and keep tabs on her. So...

Hey, Denise?

Have I ever showed you a picture
of my dead dad?

- No.
- Oh, you've gotta see it.

He's super dead.

- That's him?
- Yeah.

He looks so nice.

He was a stuntman?

Oh, yeah.

He used to work for Evel Knievel,
testing his bikes before big jumps.

He would do the jumps first,
to make sure they were safe

and then let Evel come in
and get all the glory.

And, after a while, the old man said,

"To hell with that.
I want the credit I deserve."

So, one afternoon,
he set out to jump ten milk trucks.

He nailed the takeoff, but when he
landed, something terrible happened.

His front tire exploded like a cannonball

and his handlebars went
straight through his head.

Blood was everywhere.

His teeth were ground down to a powder

and the front of his face exploded
out the back of his skull.

He died instantly,

the next day.

That's horrible.

I know.

When my mom married Frank,

I kept my dad's last name
to honor his memory.

And every time I do a stunt,
I know he's watching.

Okay, people, training's going great,
but Frank's running out of time.

So I'm officially kicking off phase two,

Operation Fiscal Jackhammer.

Starting right now, we're gonna fill
this jug with 5 grand.

Let's work!

- All right. Who has the keys?
- Oh, man.

Rod, we're gonna be right there!

Oh, my God. Find them, find them!

I found the key.

They grow up so fast.

Get the fuck off my porch.

Sounds good.

Oh, no, Kevin!

For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow

- Is everything ready?
- Now?

- No, not now!
- Blow it now!

- You're a terrible stuntman.
- What?

- You're a terrible stuntman!
- What?

You're a terrible stuntman!

I'm just kidding. I can hear you.
It was just really mean.

Tai chi teaches that if you focus
your body and mind,

you'll be able to perform
at the peak of your abilities.

Yes, sensei.

You don't have to call me sensei, Rod.

Got it.

Sensei, I have a question.

Is there a tai chi move

that would make a grown man
crap his pants, and not know why?

I'm not gonna lie to you, Rod.
That move does exist.

But you're not ready for it yet.

As you wish, sensei.

Now we take the ball
and we push the ball away.

Yeah, we could.

Or you could cut the kiddie stuff
and show me the crap-yourself move.

That didn't work.

Anyways, I'm gonna get going, so,

take it easy.
I'm gonna go see what Frank's doing.

You wanted to see it, Rod.

Yeah, I did want you to show me,
and you didn't, 'cause it didn't work.

So now I'm gonna go, 'cause
there's nothing left for me to learn.

Thank you, though, for trying.
That was very nice of you to try.

Please believe
I do my laundry with no pants on

Hey, half-brother.

What you working on?

- Nothing. I'm just messing around.
- Oh, yeah?

Let's take a look.

- Okay, but it's not really finished, so...
- Got it.

That's something else
that I'm working on. For Mom.

- Not for me.
- Right.

Mom likes that stuff, so...

Here's the right one.

Dominique Wilkins.

I'm Rod Kimble,
stuntman extraordinaire.

Life is short.

- That's it.
- Holy moly, Kev-bot.

- That was beautiful.
- You liked it?

Are you kidding me? I loved it!

You're the next
Douglas Bubbletrousers!

Wow, Rod. Thanks.

Kevin, I just had a great idea.

Hey, Frank.

It's me, Rod.

I just wanted to let you know,
we've already raised over $3,000.

Soon, I'll jump 15 buses

and then I'm gonna kick your ass.

I'm gonna assume you're laughing
at some funny dream you're having.

You're a pussy.

What is that, sleep-talking?

You suck.

Frank, open your eyes.
You are not asleep!

I am asleep, homo.

Oh, it's so good to see him
smiling again.

Yeah! And you know what
won't make him smile?

When I murder him!

And I am genuinely sorry
about the window!

Enjoy the show. Hey, how are you?

Enjoy the show.

Yeah, I have various responsibilities
within the crew, you know.

I'm kind of a jack-of-all-trades, really.
I one time manned a flamethrower.


Of course it's cool.
It's awesome as shit.

Here you go, Mr. And Mrs. Powell.
Front row seats.

I hope you all enjoy the show.

I can assure you I won't.

- Thank you, Rico.
- Okay.

Goodbye, Rico.

Hey, I just did the numbers.

We sold 200 tickets at 5 bucks apiece,
which comes to $1,000.

Now, you add that to the money
from the birthday parties,

and it's over $4,900.

Rod, we're really gonna do this jump.

Of course we are, Kevin.
We're geniuses!

Oh, heads up.

Oh, man.

This guy's a moron!

Shut up!

You suck!

We're all laughing at Rod!

The devil's lies

Run, red man
Run for your life

Oh, my God. Bear.
No, there's a bear. Bear!

Kevin, turn it off!

- Rod...
- I said, turn it off!

I try to drink at least two a day.

Oh, yeah!

My Native American healer...

Hey, what happened to the crazy movie!

Take it easy! Whoa, whoa.

What the hell was that all about?

What the hell was that all about?

Rod, I'm sorry.
I don't know what they're laughing at.

Your video made me look like an idiot!

- I didn't mean to.
- What was it, Kev? Jealousy?

You couldn't take everyone loving
my stunts and thinking you're short?

- I'm not short.
- Yes, you are!

No, I'm not!

Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, guys.

- Oh, you guys.
- Come on, they're serious,

let them work it out.
Let them work it out.

Let them work it out.

Okay, I'm out. Peace, I'm out.

What do you want?

Come sit down, honey.

I failed, Mom.

I lost all the money
and people laughed at my stunts.

Dad would've been ashamed of me.

Rod, there's something
I have to tell you.

Something that I should've told you
a long time ago.


I haven't been completely honest
with you about your father.

You see, he wasn't a stuntman.


He was a cashier in a tire shop.

But what about the picture?

It was just a picture.

Evel Knievel came to town, and
he posed with everyone in the store.

You lied.

You had such an imagination as a boy,

and when you saw that picture

you started to make up
these wonderful stories.

And I didn't have the heart to tell you
it wasn't true.

You have to believe me.
I did it out of love.

So, how did he die?

He choked on some pie.

What? Come on. Seriously?

He wanted to win that contest so badly.


I guess if he wasn't a stuntman,
then neither am I.



You did the right thing, honey.

There he is.

Rod! Hey, Rod!

Hold it right there, Rod.

What in the hell
do you think you're doing?

Grocery shopping.

I don't understand, Rod.

I'm not a stuntman, Dave. I never was.
Just a normal dude.

Well, what the hell are we supposed to
do, huh? Where's that leave us?

I dunno, Rico. You tell me.

What ever happened to
"Live as a team, die as a team?"

It's a sham, okay?
There's no such thing as a team.

You live and die alone.

Do you see what you're doing to him?
You're making him upset.

How important is this to you? Huh?

I don't even cry, and look at me.

You're about to make
tears come out of my face.

I'm sorry, okay?
This isn't what I wanted.

Who am I supposed to build ramps for?

Who am I supposed to
build ramps for now?

I just wanna be friends, Rod.

I want us to...

For serious.

You wanna know
why I joined the crew, Rod?

It's 'cause ever since we were kids,

you've always done exactly
what you wanted to do.

And everybody else just grew up,
and got boring, and sold out.

But you stayed exactly the same.

Who cares what anyone thinks?

You don't get it, do you, Denise?
I used to be legit.

In fact, I was too legit.

I was too legit to quit.

But now I'm not legit.

I'm un-legit.

And for that reason, I must quit.

You don't mean that.

Yeah. I do.

Stay sweet.

- Hello?
- Rod. Hey, buddy, it's Dave.

- From the crew.
- Yeah?

Hey, man, what's going on, man?

I just, you know, wanted to call,
see how you're doing.

Maybe you'd wanna hang out,
you know?

Possibly take me to the hospital?

- You know? If you're free.
- Is everything okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, man.
Everything's great.

No, no. But, you know, it's probably
just precautionary, you know.

If you just wanna swing by, man,

I'd totally appreciate it.

Yeah, sure. Just give me a minute.

Rod, thank you so much...

Hey, Rod. Thanks for the ride...

Hey, buddy, how's it going?

Dave, what happened to your eye?

- This?
- Yeah.

- Is it really noticeable?
- Yeah.

Oh, man, it's totally serendipitous.
Well, I got off work early.

And you know my buddy, Derrick?
Well, he was like...

"I've got this acid, but I can't do it."

And I was all like,

"Well, I'll do it."

So I did it.

And by the time I got on
my banana board, man, I was...

I was tripping balls pretty hard, man.

So, I decided to get on my
bench grinder

and a piece of metal flew up
and hit me right in the eye.

It was pretty awesome.

And that brings us to now.

Yeah, well, just try and relax.

Can do, man. Can do.

I'm gonna be honest with you, Rod.

You look like a giant eagle
with fire all around you

and you've got a mountain for a face.

I'm guessing that's the drugs, Dave.

Yeah, but it's also just kind of weird
seeing you drive this minivan.

Yeah, well, it's my mom's.

Balls, man!

Man, we just ran over a small bus.

This really small bus,
we just ran over it.

I didn't see anything.

Hey, we're here.

Seriously, man, this is, like,

one of the top ten nicest things
anybody has ever done for me.

Don't worry about it.


I know things are feeling
pretty bad for you right now,

what with your biological dad not being
a real stuntman and whatnot, but,

I dunno, the way I look at it,
you've still got this other dad at home,

sick in bed,
and you sure do love him, man.

And if he's sick, and you've got
the talent to make him better,

well, that's pretty special.

And to deny that would just be


All right. Take it easy, mountain-face!

- Hospital?
- Trash can!

Sweet. Thanks, buddy.

Teacher, there are things

That I don't wanna learn

'Cause there ain't no joy

For an uptown...



So, look,

I was way out of line, and I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Sorry about your dad.


So, cool beans?

Cool beans.

Cool beans.

Cool beans.

Cool beans.

- Cool beans.
- Cool beans.

- Cool beans.
- Cool beans.

- Cool, cool.
- Bean, beans.

- Cool.
- Beans.

- Cool, cool.
- Beans, beans.

- Cool...
- Beans.

- Cool, cool
- Beans, beans

- Cool
- Beans

- Cool
- Beans

- Cool, cool
- Beans, beans

- Cool
- Beans

- Cool, cool
- Beans, beans

- Cool
- Beans

- Cool, cool
- Beans, beans

- Cool
- Beans

- Cool, cool, cool
- Beans

Cool beans!

So, cool beans?

Yeah. Cool beans.

Because I have some exciting news.

So, before the screening,

I took the liberty of posting
some of the stunt footage online.


Well, I guess people
liked what they saw,

because it started to get sent around.

As of this morning,
it's been downloaded

over 100,000 times.


Yeah. It's bouncing around the web like
a beach ball at a Nickelback concert.

But that's not even the best part.

KNER called us.

- The AM radio station?
- Yeah.

They heard about the web stuff,
and how we're trying to save Frank

and they wanna sponsor the bus jump,

with all the proceeds going
to Frank's surgery.

And what'd you tell them?

I think you'll be needing this.

Oh, hey, Mr. Pasternack.

Hey, Kevin.

Hi. Mr. Pasternack, I'd like
to introduce you to my brother, Rod.

- Pleasure to meet you, son.
- Hi.

Mr. Pasternack is the owner of
the radio station that's funding the jump.

And I'm the number one DJ.

No shit.

I've gotta tell you, boys, I couldn't be
more excited about this jump.

When people hear me describing it over
the radio, they are going to remember

that AM radio is a viable and modern
source for news and entertainment.


I used to be number one in this town,

but people don't listen to AM
like they used to.

Seems like it's more
about FM and color TV.

- That's stupid.
- It sure is, Kevin.

In fact, I've got a tattoo here
that fully illustrates my point.

It's of this rebellious young man,
and he's urinating on an FM radio.

And then this other stream of urine is
going onto that television set.

Implausible, I know,

but I like to imagine
that he had sex the night before,

and now a little bit of residue
is blocking his urethra,

allowing the urine to flow
in two separate directions.

You may also note that an AM radio
is sitting, safely dry, in the middle.

It's on a little magic carpet there.

Oh, yeah, look at that.

Now, Rod, I've spent
the station's last $15,000 on this.

So it has to be a big success.
You understand?

- You can count on me, sir.
- Excellent.

This is the big one, boys.
This is the one that brings us back.

Soon, AM radio will reign king
once more!

Honey, your phone's ringing.


Don't worry, I got it.


Hi, may I speak to Denise, please?

No, she's in the can.
Can I take a message?

- Jonathan?
- Yup.

Okay. You got a pen?

Yes, sir. Got one right here.

The message is,

"Denise, it's Rod.

"I'm jumping 15 buses tomorrow at
the fairgrounds. Hope you can make it."

Fifteen buses.

Wait, did you really write it down,

or are you just waving your arm
around in the air?

Come on.
Rod, you've got some imagination, kid.

Don't worry about it.
I'm gonna get her the message.


Who was that?

Wrong number.

I give the old man a week.

Really insensitive, Bob.

He's had a bad day.

Maybe you should sit with him.

Hey, Frank.

I know you're not feeling so good,
but I need you to hold on a little longer.

The big jump's tomorrow.

We're gonna sell tickets

and people are gonna hear about it
at home on the AM radio

and donate money.

It's basically the perfect plan.

You're gonna get yourself killed.

Well, I'd rather die than live in a world
where I can't kick your ass.



You know why I've been so hard on you?

Because when I'm gone, you're gonna
have to be the man around here.

Frank, if I do land this jump,
will you respect me?

Not until you beat me in a fight,
you pathetic washout.

I can't wait to punch your face in.

And I can't wait for you to try.

What the hell? Was that because of us?

I dunno, man. It started off
super positive, then it just got crazy.

I did not like that at all.

No, Kev. None of us did.

Yeah, it was totally messed up.

It's disgusting how people will just,
you know, take something good

- and just take advantage of a situation.
- Yeah.

There was no time to do anything,
except just leave

and just hope that you're not hurt.

It's great to have you guys back,
by the way.

- Well, thank you, man.
- Feels good to be back.

- So, you wanna...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The dog walked itself home,
ate a pizza, and took a nap.

In local news,
self-proclaimed stuntman Rod Kimble

is going to attempt to jump
fifteen buses today.

We would bring you
coverage of the jump,

but apparently an AM radio station
has the exclusive broadcasting rights.

In other news, riots broke out...


Buckle your seatbelts
and open your ears,

it's a jump for the ages today

But first, here's Duke Wentworth
with A Jim-Jam Jubilee.

- All right, there you go.
- Here, Rod.

- Cool, what's your name?
- Matt.

Matt. You are cool. Don't be like Frank.

Rod. There you go.

Thanks, Rod.

All right, thanks, guys.
And don't let your dads eat pie.

Hey, Kev.

- Have you seen Denise anywhere?
- No, I haven't seen her all day.

- What was that?
- We just hit a raccoon.

Jonathan, don't you think
we should stop?

Oh, trust me, babe. That raccoon
would not have stopped for us.

Are you serious?

Oh, my God. I can't wait to tell Sullivan.
He'll be so psyched.

I'm gonna grab a Vitaminwater.
Should I make that dos?

No, thanks.


Hey, maybe I'll get a box of dong bags

so we can knock boots later,
what do you think?

Truly a momentous day for listening

as stuntman Rod Kimble
will jump 15 buses

in a last-ditch effort
to save his stepfather.

My oops, forgot my wallet.

Jonathan, Rod's doing the jump.

Oh, my God, who cares?

Babe, why do you hang
with those nerds?

I like those nerds.

Well, guess what?
You're embarrassing yourself.

It's only embarrassing if you care
what people think.

That's a good one. I like that.

- Babe?
- Goodbye.

Babe, wait. Babe, wait.

Babe, wait! Babe!

Babe, wait! Babe. Babe. Babe.

Babe! Babe, wait. Babe, no!

Babe, no! Babe, no!


Babe, babe, babe! No, babe!


No way.

You're gonna look
like a champion, Rod.

You guys, this thing is number one.

- Wait, Rod, there's more.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We were worried that the moped
might not be fast enough

to clear the jump, so...

No way.


Dave, this thing is number one!

Now, I know she doesn't look like much,
but trust me, man.

- She's got some kick. A lot.
- All right.

There's one more thing, Rod.

I know how you like explosions
and showmanship and stuff.

So, I rigged the whole jump
with fireworks.


And I got you this rock to represent
all my hard work.

Oh, cool, Rico.

That's number one.

Yeah, you can pretty much just toss
that after the fireworks go off. It's cool.


Thanks, all of you.

Okay, everyone. It's the moment
we've all been waiting for.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you Rod Kimble!

He's going in circles!




Who wants to see me do
a big-ass stunt?

Ladies and gentlemen.

What is destiny?

What is fate?

I dedicate this jump to fathers
and father figures everywhere.

I hope that in some small way
all of their sons manage to jump them.

Frank, I'm gonna get you better,
you old sack of shit.

And then I am gonna uncork the
ass-beating of a lifetime on you!

And you will respect me!


Kimble clearly has a few issues
with his stepfather there.

But who doesn't? I know I do.

You got this, man!

Just remember.
Drive really, really, really fast, okay?

And hold on tight! You'll be fine!

I'm so nervous for you!

And everybody here is!
We're nervous for you!

I was just in the bathroom,

and everybody's talking about
how crazy this is.

- Okay.
- Don't worry about it.

You're gonna do great!
Now go kick those buses' ass!

You good?

Do you like stunts?
What about terminally ill stepfathers?

Well, if you answered yes to one
or both of those questions,

you couldn't have picked a better day
to stumble upon KNER radio.

Hey, Rod!

Denise. You came.

Of course.

Oh, wow.


- Denise, I don't know what I'm doing.
- What?

I mean, this jump is huge. I could die.

You're the bravest guy I know, Rod.

I don't know what to believe anymore.

Believe in this.

Oh, wait.

What? You don't...

No, I do. I do. I just...

- Your mouth was all open.
- Oh, God.

It was just like...


Oh, whoa, wait, what?
Why is Rod kissing his sister, man?

Denise isn't his sister.

- She's not?
- No.

Man, that shatters my entire universe.

I'm not saying
that kiss was hot, listeners,

but if the boner police are here,
I demand a lawyer!

- Good luck, Rod.
- Thanks.

All right, swing man. Back in business.

Hey, how are you?

Kimble's preparing
for his final approach.

Ascending the multiple ramp levels
to the tippy-top.

Why'd the numbers stop?

I guess people wanna see
what happens.

Souls of the animal kingdom.

Eagle, fox, bottlenose dolphin,
octopus, house cat.


Let's jump this jump.

Come on, Rod!

Here he goes.

He's driving the bikey-thing
with his hands and legs.

This needs to be seen to be believed!

Three, two, one, liftoff!

Oh, he's like a broken doll.

Oh, this does not look good.

Rod's crew is running to his side.

I, for one, hope none of them had a fight
with Rod this morning,

because he is more than likely dead.

- Rod.
- Oh, no.

- Rod, are you okay? Can you hear me?
- Step aside, please.

Rod, stay away from the light, man.
Don't go towards that light.


Oh, God, he's probably having

some sort of profound,
out-of-body experience.


Oh, yes. Yes.


- I'm not getting any vitals.
- Oh, Rod.


Finish him! Finish him!

Yes, taco!

Rod? Rod?



He's alive.

Denise. You were right.

The taco won.

Okay, Rod. Okay.

Time to get up.

- No, no, Rod, don't move. Don't move.
- You could have internal injuries.

Sorry, guys. I'm walking out of here.

No, no, no. No, no, no, Rod.

Wait a minute.

It appears Kimble is awake,
and he's trying to stand up.

Seriously, you're probably
hurt pretty bad.

I'd say definitely, Kevin.

I'd wager 10 to 20 broken bones,

But life is pain

and we've got to scrape the joy out of it
every chance we get.

- Excuse me.
- Okay.


Rod! Rod! Rod!

The crowd is cheering Kimble
back to life.

Rod! Rod! Rod!

Rod! Rod! Rod!

And the phones are ringing off the hook!

Rod. Rod, look. Look.

We did it!

They've done it!

They've raised $50,for Frank's conveniently-priced surgery.

Rod, Rod! Over here!

We did it, Richardson!

Rod knows my name.
Rod knows my name.

Rod knows my name!

People are screaming
and jumping up and down.

The fairgrounds are literally shaking!

A cooked goose for everyone!

It's Ebenezer Scrooge!

Yes, a cooked goose.


- Rod, do you really need to do this?
- Yes.

Come on, Rod. The doctor said
his heart's even stronger than before.

You're not gonna win.

Kevin, it's not up for discussion.

Gods of war!

May your hammer be mighty

Here I am, Frank.

Get ready to meet your maker. Oh, God!

We hadn't even started yet!

Never underestimate your opponent.

What's up now, Frank?
I'm doing this because I love you!

- Never underestimate your opponent.
- Well, well, well.

Finally, a fight I might actually...

- Got you.
- What the hell? Is that a throwing star?

Oh, hell, yeah, Roddy! Kick his ass!

Come on, old man! Come on!

Old man, young heart!

Good Lord!

Oh, shit. No mercy.

Guys, come on, come on. That's rented.

Jesus Christ.

He just rocked him with a brick!


Here we go.

- Should we stop them?
- Oh, no, they're fine.

- Oh, no.
- Say it, Frank!

- Say I'm a man.
- Never.

- Say it!
- You're a man.

Say it again!

You're a man, son.

You've gotta be kidding me.


Special thanks to SergeiK.