I Hate Valentine's Day Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the I Hate Valentine's Day script is here for all you fans of the Nia Vardalos movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some I Hate Valentine's Day quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

I Hate Valentine's Day Script

What's with this guy?

You see me here?
I'm walking!

Hey, I like your short skirt.

I like your buns.

Genevieve, I'm on Date Four
and I'm outta ideas.

- Water-taxi tour of the bridges.
- Thank you!

- How you doing, Genevieve?
- Hi.

Valentine's Day.

I'm telling you,
he'd better buy you something.

You know what? Valentine's Day
is just a dumb made-up holiday.

I love Valentine's Day.

Yeah? Well, I don't know
one guy who does.

It sucks!

- Hi, crazy.
- Hi, Bill and Bob.

- Oops.
- Uh-oh.

- Good morning.
- Not with these eyebrows.

Let's see.

- They've gone G.I. Joe.
- Help me.

Very Madonna.

- Swears?
- Her eighties phase.

The second time,
in two thousand seven.

Yes, well, Madonna post-tour
for sure.

Yeah, long tour.
Eyebrows grow back.

Hey, my eyebrows grow back fast.

Pluck the hair
and there's nothing there.

- Oops.
- Uh-oh.

Good morning.
How're my ladies?

- Tim! Tim, delivered.
- Tim, hi.

Well, Tim, that shirt...

Iooks a lot less wrinkled
than normal.

Is it, I dare say, ironed?

- Are you trying to impress someone?
- Yeah, you. Give me a dirty kiss.

Let's see if you can turn me.

I can't!

Give me that.

I take that.

- What would you do without them?
- Oops and Uh-oh?

- Oops.
- Uh-oh.

Lose my mind.
How's it going for you?

Lexy and Dominique
have that flu.

Now I think Annie is getting it.
She's crabby.

- 'Cause she's sick?
- No, 'cause she's Annie.

You know, I've gotta do something for
Valentine's Day. I'm freaking out.

I'll wrap up a dozen roses
with some chocolate hearts.

Is that enough?

Yeah. All women want to know is that
you put some thought into it.

How many men are gonna
wake up in a cold sweat tomorrow?

They wait till the last moment
they put if off...

then they're on their way home
and everything's closed...

and they're panicking
in a Seven-Eleven...

saying, "Do you have any chocolates
in a heart shaped box?"

Yeah, my wife's gonna love my gut
'cause I'm more romantic?


Less vitamins, okay?

Are my eyebrows holding up?

Hey, will you do mine? I have date
Number One tomorrow with a cute new guy.

- New guy!
- Let me get you those roses.

What happened to the other guy?

- Five dates.
- So it's over.

- Ends it before the guy can.
- Got the safety set on her heart.

- That's a country song.
- From her album, "Fear of Commitment".

Hi. Guess what?
I can hear you.

It is not wrong that I want every day
to be Valentine's Day.

- No!
- Here you go.

- For Annie.
- Thank you, thank you, thank you.

All right, you guys.

Dress up again for us tomorrow.

- Yeah, maybe I'll wear deodorant.
- Why start now?

Have a nice day.

Okay, we've got to reorganize this
fridge. Just move that over there...

move this over here.
It's gonna be crazy in here tomorrow.

Uh-uh, I call shotgun.

I'm Genevieve.
May I help you?


I saw you at the old pizza place.

What? You're not thinking
of buying it, are you?

It's been a ribs place
and a chicken wings place...

and everybody goes bankrupt.

That place is cursed.

I just bought it.

- Congratulations!
- Awesome!

- That's amazing!
- Yay!

Yeah, I'm reopening it
as a tapas bar.

What's it called?

Get on Tapas.

Get on Tapas. Get it?
A tapas bar.

Are you Spanish?


Why are you opening
a tapas place?

Well, I saw this graph of recent
graduates from my law school...

and statistically, I was right
where it said I should be.

Felt a little cookie-cuttered, had
a one-third life crisis. Quit the firm.

- That's nuts.
- Anyway...

I'm here to get some flowers
for my girlfriend.

Your girlfriend.


- Very romantic.
- What's over here?

Good, good.

I'll be honest, I'm kind of
on shaky ground with this one.

I grew up in Atlanta
and down there...

if a date turned into the morning after
that's your girlfriend now.

But I don't know
if this is my girlfriend...

or if it's just somebody
I'm dating.

- Well, how long has it been?
- Two months.

Sounds like a girlfriend to me.

So I'll take these.

These are for friendship.

Now for Valentine's Day...

these are for girlfriends.

I did not know that.

So, do you know
if she's home right now?

No. She's a flight attendant and
she's out of town. She travels a lot.

You know what would be romantic?
You get the landlord to let you in...

and then you leave these
beside her bedside.

That's a great idea.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day.

- Why'd you say that, Genevieve?
- What?

- That poor guy.
- That old line. She's not "traveling".

She's got three boyfriends.

Guys like that
never see it coming.

- How'd you get in?
- Boy.

He's the type of guy who doesn't know
he's good-looking...

and goes and gives a woman his heart
and he gets stomped on.

Over and over and over again.

No Dijon! You'll take
American mustard and like it.

- Okay.
- That's dumb. Soap can't get dirty.

- Lf mud fell on it.
- It would wash right off.

Wouldn't the mud be
declared clean on impact?

Right, it's soap!
The word means clean.

What, like, in Latin?

Thanks, Mom,
but that's Valentine's Day.

Can you make beef stroganoff
with chicken?

Yes. You can definitely
substitute chicken.

- With Egg Beaters?
- Or Egg Beaters.

- It'll be too sticky.
- Okay, I gotta go.

Yeah, bye. Yeah, bye.

- Yeah, bye.
- Bye- bye.

Hey, get your meat paws
off my food.

All right, everyone.

What are the plans for
Valentine's Day?

It's too much pressure.

My skull is gonna cave in.

All right, it's the celebration
of romance.

Not if you've been single
since pubes.

Kathy, what about the guy
you see on the bus every day?

I'm taking your advice,
I'm waiting to be wooed.

- Good.
- Although I did accidentally...

kick his seat.

Very nice.

I bought a girl at work
some chocolates.

That's really sweet.

- Yeah?
- Yes.

Very good.

I think I'm gonna bake the girl
at the newsstand a cake.

It's not funny.

- That's nice.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Hey, hey, hey, sorry I'm late!

- Hi.
- Hi.

Sorry, y'all, I was late.
I know.

Java Joint guy asked me out.

- You already went there?
- Yup.

Have you Googled him?

He was a total chubster
in middle school...

but then he played football
in high school and he lost the weight.

And his mom's a teacher
and his dad sells used cars.

I went back and I told him
his best friend's name in high school...

and that it would be a perfect name
for our first child.

- Weird?
- Lf weird means spooky.

Hey, you have to wait
to be wooed.

Anyway, we have a date tonight.

I really don't wanna
mess this one up.

Then don't text him eighty-two times
between now and then.

Yes. Wait to be wooed.

And then you have five dates.
And that's all.


Just tell me what to do
one more time.

All right. Date One:
Breathless flirting.

Date Two:
Tummy flip flops.

Date Three:
The adventurous date.

Date Four:
Be fun and fabulous.

- I'm always fun and fabulous.
- Date Five...

make it the best date ever.
And then you say good-bye.

When the romance is gone,
it's time to move on.

He'll only remember you
with sweet soft memories.

And you?
You will never be hurt again.

I'm totally doing it your way.

- And keep those knees together.
- Dang.

- Happy Valentine's Day!
- Thank you!

Happy Valentine's Day!
Happy Valentine's Day!

Hi, happy Valentine's Day.
Happy Valentine's Day!

Hi, guys,
happy Valentine's Day.

- Hi, happy Valentine's Day!
- Thanks.

Happy Valentine's Day!
Happy Valentine's Day!

- Happy Valentine's Day!
- Help!

Welcome back.

This sucks.

Let's go in.

I can't see you.

Hiya, Greg.

Happy V-Day, buddy.

Wow, look at this place.

Big mistake.

Where are you taking her tonight?

What's with that?

For setting me up
with a flight attendant.

Yeah, let's go meet
some flight attendants.

- I just got dumped by one.
- One what?

A flight attendant.
The one you set me up with.

How'd that go?

- Do you ever listen?
- Well, then I'd have to hear you, buddy.

She said my actions let her know
that we weren't exclusive.

I thought we were exclusive.


So it's my fault once again,
for not understanding The Game.

No, there's no game tonight.

Well, I don't think long-term
relationships work.

- I haven't had a relationship in a year.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Here, enjoy.

And you seem like a fun guy.

I'm sorry. Pardon,
I just wanna take this. It's my friend.

She keeps calling
and I'm a bit worried about her.

I'll be right with you.

Hi, Tammy. Are you okay?
Aren't you on a date?

- Hello?
- God.

I downloaded Coffee Guy's
yearbook photos...

and I made him a scrapbook.

And he blanched...

and ran out.

I'm so sorry.

You're watching
"Jerry Maguire" again.

- No.
- Listen to me.

Nobody completes anybody!

Tammy, you're the best.
I'll call you when I get home.

- Turn off the TV!
- Okay.


So, wait, wait. Let's... let's go back
to what you were talking about.

You don't want a relationship?

Yes, I do not want a relationship.

They're just an emotional cage...

that sad couples peek
from behind the bars of...

Iooking at all us
happy single people...

wondering what fear of being alone
made them say "I do".

So, you're some kind of swinger?

What just happened?

- Oops.
- Uh-oh.


I can just imagine
the tapas on that.

- Hi.
- Hi.

It looks great in here.

Well, thanks.


- you're opening soon.
- No.

Yes, I guess.

I was thinking, I would like to provide
your floral arrangements.


I didn't put flowers in my budget.

I'm sorry. I thought you just said
you didn't put flowers into your budget.

- I did.
- Take it back.


Greg, with all due respect...

you're making a huge mistake.

A new restaurant is not
just about the food.

It's about ambiance
and soul.

Now, flowers provide a salve
to our senses...

because aesthetic beauty calms us
and soothes us.

Which means, customers
will feel good here.

They will linger,
they'll order more wine...

which means they'll have dessert
and they will leave happy.

And they will go home
and they're gonna make love.

They will wake up in a great mood
and then tell everybody...

about the fabulous new tapas restaurant
they just went to.

Flowers do all that?


How much?

Not much.

You're good.

Who told you?

- Mom call-waiting. I should go.
- I should tile my patio.

On "Martha Stewart,"
she did it on her own.

She even fired her own tiles
in a homemade kiln.

I'll bet she can glaze a ham
with her feet.

Okay, why did I call?
Let me see, now I can't remember.

Yes, yes, yes.

What was the name of the man
who had the dog that looked like a cat?


He died.

I'm sorry.
All right, I'll send some flowers.

- Okay.
- Okay. Yeah, bye.

- Yeah, bye. Yeah, bye.
- Bye- bye.

One new message.

Hi, Genevieve.
It's me, your dad.

Just calling to say hi
and see what you're up to.

Give me a call some time.

Then why is it called a lawn mower
and not just a mower...

since you don't mow anything
but a lawn?

You could get mowed down
by a car.

- Yeah, but not with a lawn mower. See?
- Yes, you could.

If it was running on your lawn and you
bent over, it could run right over you.

- Why would you do that?
- Hey, Dan.

You got a really fat head.

- Maybe it's your face.
- Yeah, it's hereditary.

My mom has a fat face
and my dad has a fat head.

You should see his mom's head.
It's huge.

Can I help you?

Hi. I'm Greg Gatlin. I own
the new restaurant down the street.

I missed the pizza.

Well, now it's a tapas bar
called Get on Tapas.

I don't get it.

Tapas bar.

I don't get it.

Tapas bar.

Anyway, I'm having a party
in a couple weeks. Hope you can come.

- I don't go to parties.
- Yeah, I don't think so.

- Free food and drinks.
- Why didn't you said so?

- Welcome to the neighborhood.
- Thank you.

- Yeah, good luck with the restaurant.
- You know that place is cursed, right?

I'm gonna beat that curse...

but I'll need you to
Get on Tapas.

It's a florist's secret that the
purple ones have the deepest scent.

For the party, I'm gonna put one
on a hair comb for your girlfriend.

No girlfriend.

I'm sorry.

- She wasn't who I thought she was.
- Okay, well...

owner of this new hot
Brooklyn restaurant...

you are gonna meet
somebody new.

No, no, no.
I'm off relationships.

You'll be so much happier.

Okay, you're not gonna say
that thing that women always say...

which is I haven't found
the right one yet?

No. I don't believe
there's just one person.


I don't believe people are meant
to be in relationships.

- What?
- Yeah, we should just have fun.

And when the romance is gone,
move on.

- Well, how long does that last?
- Five dates to be exact.

That is exact.

Five dates happens to be the perfect
amount of time...

to achieve maximum fun
with no pain.

No expectation equals
no disappointment.

It's just fun,
and there are no rules.

- No rules?
- No rules.

And you know what? In relationships,
that's all there are.

You know, one person wants more,
the other person wants less.

And then they act out cheat,
come back, stay out of guilt...

oops, now someone's pregnant,
all of a sudden...

you're married
and hate each other.

Dating is just
so much more romantic.

So, you love romance
but not relationships?

What's to love about something
that only brings unhappiness?

It's just...
It's just not natural.

Do you know any happy couples?

All the time?
No, but...

I am happy all the time.

That's hot.
Is she hot?

Doesn't matter.
Her attitude is hot.

She could have three eyes,
two butts and a tooth and I'd do her.

Hey, does this tie say
"My client's guilty"?

She's just...

Hey, when was the last time
you had a good pastrami sandwich?

New cafeteria girl has a sexy
thin eyebrows thing going on.

All right, I'm gonna ask her out.

You lucky moron, she just wants
to have sex with you.

Don't be ridiculous.

Dude, trust me.
Chicks love an assertive guy.

Come on, try it for once.

I wanna have sex with you.


just because I don't believe
in relationships...

does not mean that I'm easy.

If you are interested in spending
some time with me, you may romance me.

Got it?



It's okay.

Now... it just so happens,
I am open for wooing.

Okay. What do I do?

Well, anything.

Women appreciate any gesture
of romance.

I'm not a romantic.

You broke into your ex's apartment
with roses.

I caught her in bed.

You did?

That was my fault.
I'm sorry.

- Back to this.
- Okay.

Just put some effort into it.

Women like to be pursued.

I've been flown to Hawaii,
I've had my name peed in the snow.

It all counts.


How about rent a billboard
that says, "Let's bone"?

Or "You got nice hair".

Look, I am intrigued by
this theory of hers.

My instincts are messed up and...

stat-wise my dump ratio
is off the charts lately.

No, you've always gotten burned.

Remember in law school that chick
who dumped you by fax?

Or the one who ditched you
for a party clown?

- That's why I hate clowns.
- I like balloon animals.

Especially giraffes.

Hey, but with this chick,
you can't get dumped.

You're so right.
That's the beauty of it.

We're both agreeing to end it
after five dates.

I think I'm gonna try this...

see if I can come out without
the usual intestine-twisting pain.

What, am I boring you?
I sound like I'm on Oprah's couch?

Man, Oprah is hot.

- Oops.
- Uh-oh.

Here you go.


- Hi.
- Hey.

Don't you guys have something
to do in the back?


Could you take these to that place
that ordered them that day...

when they called on the phone
to ask about them?

Thank you.

I have not asked you out.

But I'm working on it.

I'm just stumped by
the whole romance thing...

the gesture to woo you with.

Jewelry, a stuffed animal.

I mean, I just, you know, a bird?

I don't know what
I'm supposed to do.

Well, you're not
"supposed" to do...


You know what, forget it.
It's okay.

Obviously this is just causing you
stress and... Let's be friends.

Hey, what's that?

- No, no, hey...
- Hey, wait a minute. No, don't.

It's got my name on it!
Let me see.

"Roses are red, violets are blue.

Will you be my date for my restaurant
opening? I hope you do."

There you go!

- To Get on Tapas!
- To Get on Tapas!

- Congratulations.
- Thanks.

I can't believe I did it.

I'm really glad you're here.

To our first date.

- Is this an okay first date?
- Yes, it's perfect.


Because Date Number One
is a new beginning.

Well, this place is going to take up
a lot of my time, so...

I'll have to take it slow with us.
Is there a time frame?



What a dump! I'm just joking.
Nice place. When you closing?

Best burrito bar I've ever seen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cal, this is Genevieve...

- the girl I told you about.
- When?

Five dates.

I'm Cal, short for Callous.

On behalf of men everywhere,
I would just like to say thank you.

You should teach a course to all
the crazy, clingy broads that I've...

hey, this is ping.

Is this your adopted daughter?

She's my date.

Good, someone's choking.


Dude, is there a club of them?
Are there others here?

Get ping a drink.

There you go.

Sorry about Cal.

- He's harmless.
- Yeah. If you're vaccinated.

Hey, I...

I saw this and thought of you.

I love it!

Yeah, Spanish flowers.

It's really thoughtful.
Thank you.

God! For a while there,
it was gonna be a scented candle.

That would have been nice, too.

What about... notepaper?

- Lovely.
- Scarf?

- Yes.
- Antique stool?

- Creepy.
- Really?


I'm not really a fan
of antiques.

You know, they...

I can kind of only see the person
who once had it, you know...

like their, their dead hand
clutching it.

You know?

Good to know.

Other stuff: Jazz makes me nervous
and nauseas...

and one sleeve dresses,
they're just wrong.

I'm hot,
no this arm's cold.

Got it.


And what are your fears?

Opening a restaurant.

How are reservations?

A few people have called.
For pizza.

You smell nice.

This is the good part.


The anticipation.

So thanks for taking
the day off work.

An art gallery opening,
what a great idea!

Yeah? Good, good, because you said
our second date should be...

theatrical or cultural,
so I thought of this, or...

maybe a concert.

Okay, I don't know what you're thinking
to do about for music...

for your restaurant, but I saw this band
at a wedding I did last year...

and they can play anything.

That's, that's so thoughtful of you.


It's called "Manifest Destiny.

It's called "Train Tracks".

Isn't it beautiful?

Two thousand dollars.

Let me see that.

This one's called
"I Hate Grandma".

For real?


What's it called?

"Yellow dot".

I don't see it.

I'm so glad you didn't like it.

I'm so glad you didn't like it,

Now, on Date Number Two...

we do the requisite trading
of familial background information.

A sister, two parents, all close.

Okay, no siblings, parents divorced,
not close to my father.

Why not?

- My dad cheated.
- That must've been hard.

Well, I plan to get over it one day.

Yeah, yeah, it's good to let that
seething anger fester for a long time.

Well, changing the subject,
you owe me something private back.

One time, I heard my parents.

- No, no.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Couldn't look them in the eye
until I was in college.

"Hey, Mom, Dad."


- This is a fun date.
- You like my system, huh?

Yeah, so far so good.
I mean, no expectations...

or wondering if the other person
is looking for some kind of commitment.

- No worrying about the first kiss.
- Yeah, that's over.


I'm not really good with the public
display of affection kind of thing.

Okay. Okay.

Go, go, go back to the part
about the kissing.

Yeah, the part about the kissing.

- Wait, when's the next date?
- Yeah, when's the next date?

In eight days.

I told him Date Number Three
should be an adventure.

- I can't wait.
- I can't wait.

Cal recommended this place.

Okay, this sake is called Nigori
and it's very unique.

Later we're gonna try Junmai,
which is very pure.


But here's the adventure...
a sake bomb!


All right!

It's time for Kamikaze Karaoke!

Where I put the songs,
nobody knows!

All right, our first...

player is...

seat number six.

Look under your chair
for your number.

Seat six.

- That's me!
- Come on down! Come on!

Come on, hurry up!

That's my number!
What's my song?

You are singing
"polly Wolly Doodle".

- I don't know the words.
- That's why it's...

Kamikaze Karaoke!

Did you know about this?


I went down south

For to see my Sal Sing
Polly Wolly Doodle all the day

That was great, that was great!

Despite what everyone thinks,
that was fantastic.

Nobody knows

The trouble I have seen



All right, that was wonderful.

I don't know what song that was,
but that was fantastic.

Go head, have a seat.
Sorry, your time onstage is done.

Thank you very much, sir.

Next up seat number...


Come on, don't be shy!


- Thirty-three!
- Thirty-three!


- Thirty-three!
- Thirty-three!

Then go!

No way.


- Thirty-three!
- Thirty-three!

That's me!

All right!

All right, there you go.

Hi. Okay, you have...

"There's No Livin'
Without Your Lovin"'.

- Okay.
- All right.

Thank you.

If I can't love you

Till the day I die

Then baby, oh baby

What good am I?

If I can't reach out
And know that you'll be there

Then this old world
Ain't spinning anywhere

And there's no livin'
Without your loving

And the fellow!

You can do it!


Come on!

You suck!
You suck!

You suck!
You suck!

Enough abuse for you.

Come on down there, missy.
That was fantastic.

All right.
Big round of applause.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

- Should we go?
- No.

No, I could never get up there.
It's too public.

But that's what's fun
about karaoke.

I couldn't get up there.

- So you do have a fear.
- No. No fear, just a choice.

A choice not to act like an idiot
and do something stupid.

Buffalo gals, can you come out tonight
Can you come out tonight

I don't know, I think sometimes
it's fun to do something stupid.

That's 'cause you're fun.

You're easygoing and nothing fazes you
and there's no pretense.

You're blushing.

I am?


Should we order?

Yeah. See if they have
public humiliation on the menu.

They do.
I just had it as an appetizer.

I think it's interesting.

These southern gentlemen,
they're not loud and show-offy like us.

You know, he's a gentleman.
He doesn't do stupid things.

He's different.

I don't know,
she's just so alive, so...


- And the best part? No rules.
- Yeah, well, that's different.

- She is different.
- Who?


Why are we friends?

Hello, canoe tip?
I saved your life at summer camp.

No, no, no.
I saved your life, pal.

And I've been loyal to you
ever since.

- Here comes Genevieve.
- Who's that?

I gotta get to court.
Thanks for the nachos.


- Hi.
- So I was thinking...

why not get a stellar review and
make your place the talk of the town?

- It's that easy?
- Yeah.

Well, I'm not ready.

The menu is still in transition.

- It's just a little neighborhood joint.
- Really? Well, I thought you'd say that.

So I told him what a nice,
hardworking guy you are...

and that opening a restaurant
is this huge big change in your life...

and he said when you're ready for
a review, you just call the paper, okay?

- You called the critic?
- Yeah.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Well, I should go.



You think so?
I'd say unhappy.

What looks unhappy about him?

Stooped shoulders, big sigher.

Wait for it.

- You're good.
- I have a gift.

- Yeah, all right.
- Watch.

Pretty upbeat guy.

- Worried about office politics.
- Is that right?

Pretty upbeat gal.

Worried about...

- nothing?
- I told you, happy all the time.

Or just doesn't think about things
that make her unhappy.

Look at that old lady.

- Happy.
- Yeah.

- Hey, Tim, can I ask you a question?
- Keep it clean.

Genevieve's really not
into commitment?

No, just fun.

What do you think about
this five dates theory?

I got a wife, two kids,
two mortgages, nosy in-laws...

a dog that humps my La-Z-Boy,
and no peace.

I think she's a genius.

She makes me feel like...

it's hard to explain,
but like I can do no wrong.

I'm planning dates,
I'm buying little gifts.

That's not me, but I like it.

So I wanna do something
really special for her.

What do you have in mind?

From Greg.

"In my fantasy, you're wearing
these with nothing but a smile."


- Let me see.
- Gimme! Gimme!


I don't think so!

It's mine.

I'll be honest. I don't know
if I can beat that restaurant's curse.

You will.

This is pretty.


Thanks for making dinner.

You said it would make
a great fourth date.

Thanks for listening.

To our fourth date
in three months.


You know, for me...

romances are usually
this fast whirlwind...

and I...

I've just really enjoyed taking
the time to get to know you.

Yeah, me too.

- So what's this now?
- Marinated peppers.

That's hot.

How hot?

This is the most fun
I've ever had.

Me too.

Great. Now I gotta get one of these
for my wife for Mother's Day.

Good morning, beautiful boys!

Your skin is very clear.

Your eyes are so white.

They did it!
They did it!

They did it!
They did it! They did it!

Hey, this is none
of your business.

- But we're so proud of you!
- Deets. I need details.

I would never. I'm a lady.


Then we won't ask you about it.

- Good.
- Fine.

Super fine.

I have mail to open.

Tim, orchids
for the Mother's Day rush?


How are my eyebrows?

Very Gwen Stefani
during pregnancy.

- He cooked for me.
- Go on, go on.

- I slept over for two nights.
- Go on!

- So this is date number four?
- Yeah.

- And there's one more date after this?
- Yes.

And after date number five,
it's over?


You seem different.

- How?
- I don't know.


What are we doing?

Can you see Greg?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Does he look sick
or injured or on fire?


It's been four days?


Four days.

- Why hasn't he called me?
- He'll call.

So look.
It's crazy.

Looks like a reborn...

- Hey.
- Hello.

What'll it be today, Genevieve?
Pears and Brie?

Pate and celery sticks?

I'll have a meatball sandwich.

He hasn't called yet, huh?

How are you?



How are you?



How are you?

- Good.
- Good.

- Good.
- Good.

How are you?


Good, good.

That's on the house.

Genevieve. To go.

- What's going on?
- Pardon?

- You didn't call.
- What do you mean?

What do you think,
you can just have your way with me?

- But you said...
- What? What did I say?

Five dates. Then move on.
No anger, no recriminations...

- no commitments.
- Right. We had four dates.

No, five.

What are you talking about?

Restaurant opening, Date One.
Art gallery, Two.

Karaoke, Date Three.
Dinner at my place, Date Four.

Then, you stayed over that night
and the next...

so I thought that whole next day
and night was the five dates.

Yeah, I'm just kidding.

You are?

I'm joking.

Yeah, that makes five dates.

- It was a lovely love affair.
- Yeah, it was great. I'd like to...

But the romance is gone,
so we must move on.

- I know, but do we have to move on...
- Yes.

Anymore dates would be a relationship
and those do not work.

- I wanna...
- Okay. All right, see you.

My God, my sandwich.
So hungry. Bye.

When? When?
When is she coming back?

Don't you work?


Hi. Thanks for coming in.

I heard.

What happened?

He thought we had five dates.

Why on earth would he think
a sleepover equals another date?

Maybe because it sort of does.

Can you be quiet?

But maybe it does
a little bit for boys, maybe?

- Do you want another date?
- No.

- But maybe you do.
- No.

Yes. Maybe this could be
a relationship, maybe?



And let's just be clear, okay?

It was four dates.



Gotta go.

- What's this place called?
- Get on Tapas.

That's dirty!

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

What'd I do?

I'm so sorry!

I'm so sorry!
I'm so sorry!

I'm so sorry!
I'm sorry!

Yeah, no, no, no.

I gotta...
Really, I gotta...

- Really? Come on. Really?
- I think I'm catching something.

You better watch it
or you will, too.

Right. Hey, what happened to that one
you were "not dating?"

- Five dates. It's over.
- Atta boy!

- Yeah. Have fun, man.
- Let's roll. Who's first?

Make that booty call.

- It's complicated.
- No, honey. My bowels are complicated.

Life is simple.
Call her.

If you knew a certain gesture,
like, say, calling...

would be considered "needy",
and therefore a turnoff...

but you wanted to call,
and you felt...

this call could be welcomed
this one time...

if you were the one person who took
a chance to do something different...

maybe even some
would call it romantic...

like calling for another date...

a date that...

if someone were counting,
could be numbered above five...

say six...

do you think that
would be considered manly?

No, it wouldn't.
It would be a pain in the ass.

Thank you.

One new message.

Hi, it's me, your dad.

Well, I guess I missed you again.

Maybe I have an old number
for you? Did I say it's me?

Gimme a call sometime.

Happy birthday!

Hi, Mom.

This is delicious.

I made it from a "Top Chef' recipe.

It's called "Gateau". Now wouldn't you
think that's made from a cat's toe?

But it's G, "gateau".

It means cake in French.


Your father said
you never call him.

You talk to Dad?

Of course! He was my life
for twenty-five years.

Not the photo.

He had affairs.

So, are you seeing anybody now,
Missus Gernier?

- Please say you are.
- Yeah.


I wouldn't know a thing
about dating.

Ask Genevieve.
She's an expert on dating.



Hey, hey, wow,
we have to get to work.

So, okay.

Well, hey, you guys owe me forty bucks
for these cameras.

- You gave it to me.
- No, I didn't. I said I'd...

- Yeah, you did.
- I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to...

Thanks for coming by.
Mom, thanks for the cake.

- Come on!
- Happy birthday, dear.



So now the restaurant
is a success?

I told him about that reviewer,
and the band.

Do you want to go inside?


You could flirt with the band
in front of Greg.


Do I have anything in my teeth?

- No, you are okay.
- Really?


What about here?
Is it like the rings of Saturn?

They're tight.

Yeah, should I pull them up?

- I think so.
- It's like they're...


- Genevieve!
- What?


I know. I'm so sorry.
Nobody saw.

- Really?
- Yeah, I don't think so.

Maybe a lot of people.
No, I don't think so.

- I know what will cheer you up.
- What?

There's a really, really cute guy
working at the second run movie theater.

They always smell like dust.

- Yeah, I love that.
- Okay, go flirt.

- Don't scrapbook him.
- I'll try.

- Hi, Mom.
- What are you doing?

- Nothing.
- Has he called?

I think he's gonna call you.

Pride, it ruins relationships.

- Look, we have to do something.
- Yeah, we do.

Why can't she just admit
she wants another date?

- Why can't he say it first?
- 'Cause guys don't do that.

But that's the problem. We not only
have to figure out our own feelings...

we have to tell you what's going on
in your tiny heads.

No, no, we have to do everything!
We have to plan the date...

have to make sure it's something
you've never done before...

have to think of romantic gifts
for you...

- There you go.
- We have to listen to you.

"Please, tell me more about
how you're a mixed media artist...

who used to work only exclusively
with 'found objects'...

but now you work with cork."

Look, Genevieve has been nothing
but kind to us, right?

And she's always there to listen to us
and give us advice...

whenever, and wherever,
we need it.

- I would be lost without her.
- We would all be lost without her.

You guys, before you met

had you ever kissed
anything not made of plastic?

- Four dates?
- Yes!

Shut it!
Shut it! Shut it!

How's about you finish
what you started?

- Yeah.
- Right?

Hey, we got an invitation.

"To all who made Get On Tapas
a success...

please join us for a Spanish Feast
of the Assumption August fifteenth.

See you there!
Greg Gatlin."

Well, someone is making assumptions
we're all available August fifteenth.

And making assumptions we care whether
his restaurant broke the stupid curse.

He's not even Spanish.

We're going.

Have a good time.

We're all going.
You will wear a pretty dress.

Plus lipstick. And I'm gonna wax
those eyebrows right now.

Bill, get more glue sticks.

Her legs are so hairy
it looks like she's wearing pants.

Come here, Steve Carell's chest.


Bartender, a drink for the lady.

What's your plan?

Okay, around ten o'clock, I...

The stroke of midnight.

Okay, at the stroke of midnight...

I'm gonna present her
with these roses on this comb.

Dude, did you make that yourself?

Lose the comb.
Just give her roses.


At the stroke of midnight, I'm going to
present her with some roses, no comb...

and ask for the other date...

which, depending on your interpretation
of five dates...

'cause I do think
that I counted correctly...

No, no, no!
Cut that last part.

- Okay.
- Now make it right.

Okay. Scatter.

- Sorry.
- Hey...


- You changed your hair.
- What's going on?

But you had your five dates.
You're done. My turn.

Go get some air, all right?

You had your five dates.

You had your five dates
and you're done? I see.

I see, so you just hand me off
to your shallow friend?

You... you know
I didn't hand you off.

- Still you are not a gentleman.
- What?

- You suddenly decide four dates is five?
- It was five.

No, a sleepover
doesn't count as a date!

Sorry. I didn't read
your instruction manual.

What does that mean?

It means that you act like
you believe "c'est la vie"...

"have fun, everyone, there are
no rules". But you are all rules.

You control everything.

Who will woo you, for exactly how long,
five dates, then good-bye.

You entered this willingly and then
you blame me 'cause you can't count?

I get it now.
I just figured it out.

You are so scared of being hurt that
you pretend to have this philosophy...

about relationships
not being normal.

Your fear of intimacy is only matched
by your ridiculous fantasy life.

You act like you live in the opening
credits of some French film.

You control everything
so it doesn't turn into something real.

I like French films.

Well, they're not real.
Just like you.

- Here he comes.
- Dude, now...

You can catch them
on your tongue.

Wanna go?

- Yup. Yeah.
- Big time.


Maybe you should go back
and talk to him.


he hates me.

I feel naked.

I feel like Greg can see
right through me.

So? Does being vulnerable
make you weak?

It's so my mom.

I never understood why my mom
let my dad see...

her pain.

I wanted her to act like...

"Well, you cheated, get out".

But she...

cried to him.

I remember when she found out.

She sat down
at the kitchen table...

and her eyes
went back and forth...

as if she was trying to add
something in her head.

And then he left.

And you decided no one would ever
make you feel that way.


it's over.

It's over.

That's no fair.
I wasn't looking. Do-over.

Get up.

No. I'm good.

- You dodged a bullet, buddy.
- No, I didn't.

No, you didn't.

I'd love to go on a date with you.
I'll be back at the shop in 5 minutes.

Yo, everybody,
it's ten minutes until midnight!

Hey, guys,
it's almost midnight!

Cal says you like wine?

Do you have any Zinfandel?

Same thing.

A spritzer.


You're so inventive.

So anyway, my sister,
not the bipolar one, the other one...

- Hi.
- I'm seeing someone.

Boy, that's great.

Yeah, but it's new.

Do you have any love advice
for me?

Mom, I don't think
you want advice from me.

Shut up, it's time!

Five, four, three, two, one!

Happy New Year!

My eyes are bleeding!


You're dating John?

Yeah, he's ten years
younger than me.

I'm a cougar!

And I'm a young buck!

- I forgot.
- Okay.

I made you...

a scrapbook of your life.

I askjeeved, googled...

and classmates. Commed you and...

there is a whole page of collage
of your lips.

I love it!

You're adorable.

And I got you this paperweight
that magnifies your baby picture.

- Oops.
- Uh-oh.



- Table for one.
- Only the lonely.

- Serving only the lonely.
- It's lovely out here.

- It's chilly, isn't it?
- Do you know anyone we know out here?

- No. I used to.
- Who's that?

She looks like someone
we used to know.

She was the most romantic,
happy person who loved love.

Then she turned
into a shriveled twisted...


I think...

you need to tell Greg
that you're scared.

You know, you think this is fear.

This is instinct.

Avoiding pain is how humans
have survived.

You think we'd still be here
if we didn't know...

"look, there's a saber-toothed tiger.
Let's run before it eats us"?

Honey, did you just see
your mom?

I did.

Let go.

Forgive the past.

- Hey. What is that? What are you doing?
- It's a moment.

Can we give you some advice?


All right, bring it.

Woo him.

You baked him muffins?

Isn't that a tiny bit
''think of me as your cousin Ethel"?

Really? It took me all night
to think of that.

This is hard. What do guys like
besides pizza and morning sex?

Okay, I have to focus.
I have to focus.

I have to think, what does he want?
What does he want?

Because he will call me,
he will call me.

He will call me.


he sent a thank you note?

Still no call?

What does this even mean?
What does it mean?

thank you for the gifts.


I don't...
I don't know what else to do.

I've sent Rangers tickets
and chocolates and "Simpsons" DVDs.

I mean, I don't get it!
What do men want?

A cellulite seaweed wrap, a diamond
dog collar, and a karaoke machine.

Karaoke's a no.

- Can I cancel it?
- No. We'd be out of business.

It's gonna suck.

Yes, but it always does.

Roses For Whatever.

A thank you note?

She sent you all those gifts
and you didn't call?

I wanna call.

Am I an idiot?

In general?
I don't know.

Love makes you crazy.
You should call her.

I said horrible things to her.
What do I say now?

And the probability ratio of a failed
relationship working...

zero to none.

But this never was a relationship.

Come on!

Stupid fake holyday.

I know! It's just a day
of pressure, isn't it?

I mean, even if you're
in a relationship, which I'm not...

it's just a day that
makes you feel inadequate.

Am I doing enough for this person?
Did I get a big enough gift?

Do I even know this person?

And what about those candy hearts?
"Be Mine".

Like you gotta be somebody's
to matter, right?

I mean, I'm not anybody's now,
but I've been, before.

Chocolates for Genevieve!

Happy Valentine's Day!

John, it's a good day for you
because you're dating my mom.

A visual, that if I let it burn
through my retinas...

will seara hole through my skull
and my brain will leak onto my neck.

This is why you are happy
on this day.

I have seen this day for what it is,
a hollow sham.

I will sell many roses
to many fools on this day...

who have not seen the light
as I have.

Valentine's Day blows!

Don't get your hopes up today.
Some man will just crush 'em.


Roses For Fooling Yourself
That Romance Exists.

- You want to work in the back today.
- May I help you?

- Okay, who was first?
- I was!


Hey, what's up?


I don't know anything about
anything anymore. What do I do?

How do I know? I'm from the world of
"Not tonight, the kid puked on me".

Yeah, but sometimes...

it's nice, right?

This morning, the kids were
running around like crazy...

Annie's standing in the kitchen
making pancakes.

Hair's all messed up...

her breath could've knocked
a buzzard off a portapotty and...

when she wasn't looking, I reached out
and took the pancake syrup and...

I spelled "Happy V-Day" out
on her plate.

She cried, you know?

Do I have it all wrong?

Is that what love is?

Well, you know, it's not...

butterflies in my tummy love,
you know...

but, you know, even on the bad days,
you get there...

you see her and the kids...

and yeah, think...


it's good to be home.

Anyway, that's what love is to me.



Tell the boys I need to go.

Hi, Dad.


Jeez, it's so good to see you.

How are you?


you never should have
cheated on Mom.


I don't see how my relationship
with your mother concerns you.

Well, guess what?
It does.

It messed us all up.

It really hurt Mom, and...

how was I ever supposed
to trust a man after that?

It changed me.

It's taken me years
to figure this out.

I thought all I ever did
was fall in love...

but really,
I made sure I never did.

So, yeah it does concern me.

And you were wrong to do it.

But I love you.


Boy, I can't wait to get home
to my old lady.

Did you get her a Valentine's card that
says, "Hey, old lady, glad you're alive"?

I meant my dog.

She's old and her name is Lady.


I like old things.

Lady was eleven
when I got her from the pound.

That antique stool?

I found that when I was in Kentucky
on the road.

It's almost two hundred years old.

Don't you find that kinda creepy?

Like you can still see
the old dead guy sitting on it?

Well, I do now.

Good talk.

Hey, you're out of T.p.

Any girls show up looking for me?

I hooked us up
with some paralegals.

You get Melissa, I get Doreen.
No, wait a minute.

Why do I stand here, with my hands
in my metaphorical pockets...

chained to my comfortable
spot of fear?

Are you rehearsing for a play?

No, man,
I'm talking about Genevieve.

Come on.

I miss her.
I want to see her again.

By summer,
I want to lose five pounds.

I blew it, man.

- I'm a complete moron.
- We're guys.

It's an accepted fact of our sex
that we do stupid stuff.

What'd you say?

I need to shed the lbs,
I'm getting chunky.

No, no, no, about guys
doing stupid stuff.

I don't know.
I don't listen.

Men do stupid things.

Yes, yeah. Think about it, I mean,
that's how great things happen.

Take the Wright Brothers.

What is smart about jumping off a cliff
strapped to wooden wings?

Wood is heavy.

That's it!
I gotta do something stupid.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- What's open?
- What's happening?

- May I borrow that?
- For two bucks you can own it.

- Deal.
- Plus a week's free tapas.

- Make it a month.
- Deal.

- Cal, get me some scissors.
- Cut that up.

I'm alive, okay?

Yeah, but are you watching
"Jerry Maguire"again?

No, I am not.

Wait, is that jazz
outside your window?

It is.

Yuck, jazz!

- What are you doing?
- Genevieve!

Here's stuff that scares you.

Here's something that scares me.

If I can't love you

Till the day I die

Then maybe


What good am I?

If I can't reach out
And know that you'll be there

Then this whole world
Ain't spinning anywhere

'Cause there's no livin'
Without your lovin'

Without the thrill
Of your magic touch

There's no livin'
Without your lovin', baby...

You're an idiot!

No, you are, but I love you!

Well, that makes you
a bigger idiot.

And I love you, too!

Now go away.

Okay, everybody, on three.

One, two...



will you be my Valentine?

- You're still an idiot.
- So are you.

Enough of your dumb system.
Are you my girlfriend?


I'm your girlfriend.
You're my boyfriend.

Some relationships work,
you know.

Look, I'm willing to try,
but I think we should set some rules...

because I don't know
what we're getting...

Stop talking.

Make me.

Special thanks to SergeiK.