Voila! Finally, the In The Land Of Women script is here for all you fans of the Adam Brody and Meg Ryan movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. At least you'll have some In The Land Of Women quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?
And swing on back to Drew's
Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.
In The Land Of Women Script
Let's be honest with ourselves.
I think we always knew
this wasn't gonna work out.
...I care about you.
In a way, I do love you
and I don't wanna hurt you.
Carter, you have to say something.
We haven't stopped talking
since the day we met.
Excuse me. Are you...?
You are. You're Sofia Bunuel.
Oh, my God.
We're, like, your biggest fans ever.
I've seen Sprawl, like, a million,
zillion times. I own the DVD.
That's really sweet. Thank you.
- Can I get your autograph?
- Well, yeah, sure.
Just write, "To Todd.
You're a pathetic faggot
and I would never get with you."
...I hear what you're saying.
But you've gotta hear me.
All I know is that I need space.
I don't know what's gonna happen.
Maybe, eventually, who knows?
But right now,
I need you to give me that space.
Fine. I wanna do that. I wanna give you
all the space you need.
I don't want you to break up with me.
- I have to go now.
- Please, will you just--?
Will you not leave me here like this?
Will you stay and talk a little bit?
You have one unheard message.
The following message
has not been heard.
I read your script last night.
You know, this is supposed to be
premium soft-core erotic- -
What are you doing here?
I just came to get some... .
And I wanted some... .
Are you--? Are you crying?
Oh, a little.
I was just talking to my mom.
I think she's got big, big problems.
She hasn't exactly been
firing on all cylinders.
No, she's convinced she's dying.
- Is she sick?
- I don't think so.
The doctor can't find
anything wrong with her.
But hearing her sound
so scared and helpless, I just--
I felt so sorry for her.
Anyway, I'm gonna fly out there
in the next few days and deal with it.
I should go there.
- I'll go to Michigan. I'll stay with Grandma.
- What about your job?
I write soft-core porn.
I can do that from Michigan.
Doesn't really require tremendous effort.
Besides, it'll give me an opportunity to write
that thing that I've been wanting to write.
About Genghis Khan?
- No, that other thing.
- About your high school?
Don't say it like that,
because it sounds moronic.
You've been saying you were gonna
since you were 15.
The only way I'm actually gonna do it...
...is if I just get out of L.A.,
get away from my life.
Wonder how Sofia's
gonna feel about that?
I think she'll be thrilled.
She just broke up with me.
Sofia dumped me.
Are you kidding me? When?
Hour and a half ago. Been in traffic.
- Maybe it's just a--
It's over. She's gone.
Oh, shit. Shit.
- Would you please hold it together?
I just can't handle you acting
like this is the end of the world.
I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry.
It's just she's so beautiful.
She's so funny and great, yeah.
Oh, Carter, oh, God, I'm sorry.
Honey, how are you doing?
Are you all right?
I know this is gonna sound
like something that a mom has to say...
...but it is true, you will be all right.
I mean, these things, you know,
Sometimes a really long time.
I mean, I'm still trying
to get over Rodney Portchnik...
...and that was 12th grade.
Don't tell me that Rodney Portchnik story,
I'm just saying that you will be all right.
Women have always been drawn to you,
Carter, ever since you were a little boy.
And one day when you least expect it,
you're gonna meet a really great girl.
I don't wanna meet a really great girl.
I don't wanna meet anyone.
I just wanna be alone with my grandma...
...and her cat.
You're such a freak.
Are you going out tonight?
No. Maybe. Why?
It's Friday night.
You're going out with Gabe Foley,
I have to live through you.
I'm too young to have a life of my own.
Yeah, we're still not talking about this.
Whatever. Be that way.
Lucy? I'm in the kitchen.
How was your day?
Fine. What's up?
Well, something, actually.
It's not a big deal, though.
Then can it wait? Because there's
some stuff I gotta get done.
I went to go see Dr. Bennett today.
I found a nondescript kind of...
...lump in my breast.
- Oh, my God.
- We don't know anything yet.
It's very possible that it could be nothing.
And even if it is something...
...it still could--
It just could be nothing.
So your dad is going to take me
over to Ann Arbor on Tuesday morning...
...for some tests.
- I should come with you.
No. L-- I just want you to go to school.
Okay, we're not gonna treat this
like it's any kind of big deal until... .
...everything's gonna be all right.
Whoa, Grandma. Grandma.
It's me, it's Carter. It's your grandson.
Agnes is my mother, also your daughter.
I can't believe I'm still alive.
I can't believe I lived
to see your face again.
Thank you. I'm so glad too...
...although I probably
wouldn't have put it that way.
Do you think I can come inside?
- Through the door.
- Where's the cat?
- Can you cook?
- A little.
I haven't eaten anything in three weeks.
- I had some pasta.
When I'm dead...
...you want this house?
- I'm sure it's not that simple.
- It's my house.
I can give it to whomever I choose.
Well, then, thank you.
I guess we'll see.
- Hey, I'm here.
Thank God. Carter, this is the worst idea
you have ever had in your life.
You've mentioned that several times.
- Okay, I'm coming.
- No, you're not.
Listen, let's just give it a try, okay?
I still think this could be
exactly what I need right now.
Just kind of regroup and get in--
Someone is calling for you.
- Carter? Is that you?
- I'm in the hills now.
- Damn it, my service sucks.
- How did you get this number?
I have my ways.
Your mother gave it to me.
Listen, we have an emergency.
We gotta talk now.
You gave him the number?
Now I have to do this. I'll call you later.
I'm walking on the set.
I've got a girl in this one, tush so hot
and tight you could fry an egg.
Beside the point. She has a problem.
She doesn't understand and neither do I...
... why her character would have sex
with the guy installing her DSL...
... since she's already having an affair
with her yoga instructor.
You said you wanted a scene...
...where she seduces the guy
who's installing her DSL line?
Yeah. I don't think I can sell her that.
How about this, man,
she really wants high-speed Internet?
We're being funny now?
Listen, the character, Monica,
is a sexual compulsive, okay?
Because of a traumatic childhood,
she's turned on by illicit sex.
It's the only way she can orgasm,
That's just a phase. You get over it.
Grandma, would you
get off the phone, please?
Where the hell are you?
I'm out of town for a few days, okay?
I can't talk right now.
I'll get you the new script by Monday
Listen, all right, it should have a scene...
... where the hot rookie cop
has to get down- -
Hey, buddy. My grandma's on the line.
Grandma, I'm not abandoning you.
I just got here three hours ago.
- I'll put on the alarm.
- No, I wouldn't put on the alarm.
- Why not?
- Because I'll be right back.
Thank you very much.
The dog's name is Bozo.
You must be from the nursing home.
Are you taking care of Phyllis?
No, she's actually my grandma.
I didn't know she had children
Yeah, we don't get out
to visit too often, so... .
- Where are you from?
Oh, Los Angeles.
I was there once, a long time ago.
- Yeah. Well, you know, it gets a bad rap.
- Oh, I liked it. I liked it very much.
Carter. Nice to meet you.
So you finally get to spend some time
with your grandma, huh? That's nice.
Yeah. I think I may be staying
for a while, actually.
See if we can't figure out some arrangement
where I sort of take care of her.
She's a handful.
I know. I'm kind of worried about it.
- Well, don't be worried.
No, no, you'll be great.
All right, I appreciate that.
I better get going before my daughter
gives me that look...
...like I'm the most embarrassing person
on earth. I hate that look.
Probably because I used to give it
to my mother.
- It's a beautiful night.
- Come on.
Yeah, I guess it is.
Hey, Lucy. I thought maybe... .
You wanna sit in the front?
No, that's fine.
Either that or she's just fat.
This is gonna sound weird,
but my parents don't know that I smoke...
...so I was wondering if you could not... .
You have a cigarette on you now?
Because I'm taking it hostage.
This message is from
the Kurtzman Radiology Center...
... calling to confirm Sarah Hardwicke
for her appointment tomorrow, Tuesday.
- wake up with aching back,
your mattress may be the problem.
Wake up refreshed and feel like new...
... with our revolutionary
comfort-adjusted mattress system.
This may be the biggest no-brainer
in the history of mankind.
Devon runs a lazy finger
around the rim of her wine glass...
... trying not to glance
at Trent's bulging crotch.
"We've got to keep this professional.
Maybe we could just consider it
one of our attorney-client privileges. "
Hi, Phyllis. How's it going?
That's Mrs. Harding.
Who gives a shit?
Okay. Grandma, I got it.
Thank-- Thank you.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah. Well, I made some cookies.
Wow, thank you so much.
They look a little bit like Fig Newtons.
That's right. That's exactly what they are.
I didn't so much as make them...
...as wrap them and put them on the plate
because I wanted to give the illusion... .
- The truth is I'm a terrible baker. Bakess.
- Yeah, well, thank you so much anyways.
My grandmother will just completely
devour these. It's pretty disturbing.
it was an excuse to come over.
And this might sound a little bit weird...
...but it's a beautiful day
and I have to walk the dog...
...and I was wondering
if you wanted to... .
Yeah. Just give me one minute.
I'm on the plane on the way out here
and I turn on my computer...
...and I start reading these e-mails
that I sent her.
Like, 30 or more, maybe,
over the course of our relationship.
And not just short messages.
I'm talking about long,
involved love letters.
Like, desperately trying to be romantic
and poetic. Whatever.
And as embarrassing as it is...
...it's also, like, kind of
the best stuff I've ever written...
...because it's got this naive idealism thing
...where ours is gonna be
the greatest love stories ever told.
And I'm writing it.
So I'm sitting there reading these emails...
...and there's some turbulence...
...and I start to have
this massive panic attack.
Like nothing I've ever had.
And I think it's happening...
...because I can not imagine ever feeling
that way about anybody else ever again.
Listen, I have never, in my life,
...like the kind of letters you wrote her.
Never written one, either.
And you're lucky. You're lucky in a way...
...that has nothing to do
with this particular girl.
But you already know that.
I must sound so young to you.
Yeah, well, screw you, pal.
Come on. I didn't mean it like that.
I know what you meant.
You know, I pride myself
on being this great listener...
...but whenever I meet somebody new,
I find I'm doing all the talking.
What is that?
Maybe you're not really
such a great listener.
Maybe you're not such a great listener.
No. No, that's not it.
I'm a great listener.
Yeah, but that's the thing.
I hear myself talking about it.
Nelson's career. Lucy's painting.
Like they're my own interests and
my own accomplishments, but they're not.
And I find myself wondering,
"Where am I? What am I?"
Let me ask you this.
Like, what is it exactly you do
with your days?
You see, now, that is just so predictable.
There is the perception that because
I don't have a job or I'm not in school...
...that I'm sitting around doing nothing,
which is ridiculous.
Most days I don't have
five seconds to myself.
I'm driving somebody around or dealing
with the house or making the meals.
Not to mention I'm on, like, 15 boards.
I'm sorry. I didn't think that... .
Yeah, I know you didn't,
but my family does, you know?
I can feel them all just silently judging.
No matter what I do, l-
It's like I'm just disappointing to her.
Well, she's a teenager.
You're her mother.
I mean, it'd be weird
if she didn't feel that way, right?
I don't know. I'm sorry,
I do think about it and so I'm touchy.
But maybe I could be doing more.
God, I just don't wanna
look back on my life...
...and wonder what part of it
belonged to me.
That was really nice. Thank you.
Yeah, you're welcome. I mean,
it was really great to talk to you.
- Yeah, all right.
I'm a last-word freak.
Okay, well, I'm gonna go inside.
You just shout something to me
as I'm walking away.
- That'd be great.
You're gonna be all right.
I don't know. Do you maybe wanna
do this again? Like tomorrow or... .
Oh, l-- Sorry, I can't tomorrow.
I have an appointment.
Okay. All right.
Don't worry about it.
- Yeah. That would be awesome.
I'll come by.
- Okay. Well, I guess--
"Awesome"? That's... .
Mom, I can't talk about this anymore.
It's too retarded.
And I really do not wanna fight
with you right now.
It's not a fight. It's not a fight.
It's not even a big deal.
I'm just saying
he's basically alone over there.
You could just take him to a movie.
Do you have any idea
how lame that would sound?
It would redefine lame. Seriously.
Are you ready to make history?
She might have a point, sweetheart.
It could be a little awkward.
What do we know about this guy?
Forget it. Just forget it.
I thought maybe, maybe, just do
something nice for somebody sometime...
...but I can't handle the two of you
ganging up on me.
This is happening
because we're all really scared.
So I'm gonna say to you
the same thing I said to her.
Whatever we find out tomorrow,
we deal with it together.
Now, your daughter
would like to apologize...
...and she said, if you really want her to...
...she'll go across the street now
and ask Crazy's grandson out on a date.
He's a sweet kid. I feel bad for him.
I'm gonna be with you every second.
Well, I'm just curious.
Do you ever worry that you're gonna
get stuck in one of those positions?
Yes, I do.
Ready for bed?
Did you know yoga increases circulation...
...promotes health and well-being
and also reduces anxiety?
Yeah, I've read that.
Well, maybe you could try it.
Hey, you know what?
I'm sorry if I've seemed
a little bit distracted lately.
Good night, muffin.
Did you get my pills?
Yeah, these are some pretty serious
tranquilizers you got here.
Are you sure it's safe
to be taking these all at once?
I love it.
Who changed the sheets?
How did you know about that?
Oh, you kind of mutter in your sleep.
What are you doing in my room
when I'm sleeping?
That's a really good question.
Well, she was my girlfriend...
...and she doesn't wanna
be with me anymore.
Is she zaftig?
Yeah. Spectacular, actually.
That's so important.
I am completely in love with you.
Hey. How you doing?
- Do you know where you are?
I'm just regrouping.
- I could give you a ride home if you want.
- No. I'm good.
Gotta keep running. It's healthy.
Actually, you know what?
My mom and I kind of
got into this fight the other night.
I mean, it wasn't really a fight,
it was just... .
She wanted me to maybe ask you
if you wanted...
...to go see a movie or something.
And I told her
that it would be really embarrassing.
It would be the last thing
that you'd want to do.
I mean, some creepy girl accosting you
like you're some kind of charity.
This is really coming out wrong.
Your parents, they normally pretty cool
about letting you go out on a school night?
Do you think if you were
taking me to a movie...
they might make an exception?
I don't know.
All right. Find out. Get back to me.
What is it?
...I think maybe...
...my toilet might be stopped up.
Maybe? What's the variable?
Water's running over the top.
The carpet's all wet.
Well, I'll take a look. First, I just gotta
stop off in my room and kill myself.
I think I should tell Paige alone.
I think it's less scary
if it's coming from me...
...and she sees that I'm fine.
I think you're right.
But I want you to tell Lucy.
It's better that way.
So he goes, "Find out. Get back to me."
Which is not exactly like, whatever...
...but it definitely indicates
that he might be, you know--
- Yeah. Kind of, right?
I mean, even if he were,
it would still be the most awkward--
- Do it.
- You think?
Yeah. You have to do it.
And you know what else?
you have to take me with you.
All right. Somebody better tell me
what's going on here.
I really want ice cream.
I've been thinking about that all day.
Who wants to come with me?
Wait, but what--?
You want me to go get ice cream?
You know what? You two go ahead.
Lucy and I are gonna take Bozo for a walk.
Come on. It'll be good.
Does it hurt?
The chemotherapy can be rough,
and they said there's nausea.
And it could make me tired.
Are you scared?
Not right now, though.
Right now I feel pretty tough.
You don't look so tough.
I took $20 from your purse.
A while ago. Last February.
Are you serious?
I've been wanting to tell you for a while.
I felt bad about it. I'm sorry.
Well, just out of curiosity,
what did you need $20 for?
I wanted to start saving money,
you know, for the future.
But I didn't have any money...
...so I needed a foundation.
Right. Well, at least
you're financially responsible.
I'm telling you because other than that,
I don't have any secrets from you.
- It's okay to keep some things to yourself.
- Yeah, but I don't.
Like, I always tell you the truth
because you always tell me the truth.
If you say everything's gonna be okay,
I believe you.
And I know you're telling the truth
because you wouldn't lie to me.
Maybe to other people...
...like, maybe to Lucy
or maybe to Dad...
...but not to me.
I just needed to know.
Are you gonna be okay?
What's going on?
You look good.
You look better than you did the other day.
- So, what was her name?
- The girl you wrote all those letters to.
- Oh, Sofia.
- Was she your first love?
Well, there was somebody
in high school...
...but I used to have this tendency
to project onto girls...
...my fantasies of what
I thought they should be like.
Didn't have anything to do
with what they were actually like.
It would just take me forever
to figure that out.
Usually four to five months.
But Sofia was different?
Yeah. Well, you know.
No. Actually, that was pretty much
the same deal.
There's something I wanna show you.
This is exciting.
Do you know where we're going?
I feel like we're gonna
run into the cast of Deliverance.
Love it here.
I have this whole science-fiction scenario
...where I pretend that since
there's no evidence of modern life...
...that I could walk out of these woods...
...and be in another time
and a different place.
I love that.
My husband has been having an affair.
I found out a while ago
and I didn't do anything about it.
I told myself
it's because of the girls and... .
I just have a very comfortable life.
It's very clean.
I'm good at that, you know?
And the thing is, he's really a decent guy.
I mean, he's a good provider and... .
Anyway, it's discreet, I guess.
I don't know.
That must sound pretty vacant to you.
I wouldn't even begin to know
how to have an opinion about that.
The thing is, I just don't... .
I just don't love him.
Not like you love her.
Not like that kind of love...
...where it hurts when it's good...
...especially when it's good, you know?
The further away I get from that
and the more I talk to you, you know...
...l'm not so sure
that was real love either.
You know, I'd really like
just to give you a hug right now.
Would that be weird?
Hey, Lucy can't know anything
Goes without saying.
You know, she asked me about taking you
to a movie on a school night specifically.
We usually don't let her
go out on the weekdays.
I'm making an exception.
I'm guessing tomorrow
you probably have... .
Yeah. Another appointment.
Hey, look, I don't know
when I'm gonna be able to do this again.
It might be a couple days, might be longer.
I do have a lot of stuff coming up.
- But I have to go to the grocery store.
- I'll go.
- Great, yeah.
I had never been to New York before.
I loved it.
And I remember that I was sitting alone
in the American Wing of the Met.
I was in the room
where they have all the paintings...
...from the Hudson River Valley School.
I just suddenly had this feeling
like I was awake.
Finally, awake to my life. Like I was
exactly where I was suppose to be.
And then the other day...
...l'm sitting in the car
outside of school waiting for Paige.
She comes out.
She's telling me all about her day...
...and jumps in the car
and I had that feeling again.
Like, "This is it. This is exactly where
I'm suppose to be, right here with her."
So I guess I just wish that I could
have appreciated everything more.
I just want as many of those moments
as I can possibly have, you know?
I mean, I wanna go back to New York City
and sit alone at the Met.
Probably more than anything
I wish I was the kind of person...
...who would just eat that candy bar
right here in the middle of the store.
Well, then you should.
I think I should really tell you just a little bit
about what's going on with me.
Okay, but then
I wanna tell you something.
Okay, you go first.
All right, well, I was just gonna say...
...I think your husband's out of his mind.
What were you gonna say?
Nothing. It's really not very important.
First unheard message.
Hi, honey, it's me.
We need to talk about long-term plans,
like when you're gonna come home.
I'm- - I don't think this is healthy.
Call me. Bye.
Oh, gee, you should go over there.
It's me. I need to show you something.
It's pretty important.
- You're all dressed up.
- Yeah. For our date, remember?
- Tonight, cute guy from across the street?
- Yeah, I just thought...
...with everything going on,
you might not want to do that.
Look, when I get freaked out
about something in my life...
...I like to do research on the Internet.
Over the last couple of days...
...l've learned everything I could
about this whole situation.
Most likely they're gonna
wanna do a mastectomy.
They say that can be pretty difficult
on a woman's psyche...
...so we're just gonna really
have to watch out. Be supportive.
Then, about three weeks later,
she'll start chemo.
Did they actually say that?
Yeah, but these days a lot of people
do chemo and definitely some radiation.
All of this doesn't
scare the shit out of you?
Well, of course it does.
But since I'm not a breast surgeon
or an oncologist...
...there's not a whole hell of a lot
that I can do about it tonight.
So I was thinking
we could get something to eat first.
Carter, you enjoy pizza?
They have exquisite pizza.
Yeah, I'm into pizza.
- I was a lot like you when I was your age.
- Very feminine?
I like her sometimes.
Are you kidding? She's phenomenal.
I rented Sprawl on DVD--
Oh, and the other day I was reading online
and she's been seen with Colin Farrell.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Get ahold of yourself. You're a man.
You're not weak. You're not pathetic.
Deal with it and move on.
I know you.
I know what you're talking about.
My worst fear is that I'm gonna come out
of the stall after taking, like, a big dump...
...and the place is all rank with my--
You know, my shit...
...and I'm gonna know the other guy
in the frigging bathroom.
That's your worst fear?
It's up there.
Whoa, it just keeps getting better.
I mean, hi.
Did you guys, like,
meet in the bathroom or something?
You're Eric Watts.
Yeah, I guess I am.
You work at the Orange Julius.
I love... .
I love the Orange Julius.
I didn't know that.
Yeah. I built the car?
Lmpressive. Trés impressive.
Well, basically, I rebuilt it. Restored it.
Which cost a lot of money.
Money I didn't exactly have,
hence the Orange Julius.
So you're, like, what?
Just all hanging out?
Oh, not exactly.
Lucy's mom forced them
to take me to the movies...
...because I've been feeling
really depressed lately.
Anyways, we should get going
because they still gotta buy me food...
...and amuse me with witty anecdotes
Well, enjoy your movie and food.
It was nice to meet you...
...dude. Whatever your name is.
Okay, so I want you to tell me something.
You live in suburban Michigan.
You go to an average high school.
I wanna hear about the football games.
I want you to tell me about, like,
the garage bands and prom night.
The John Hughes stuff.
I am very old.
You didn't go to high school?
Well, I went to this private, sort of
a progressive school in L.A., you know?
Overprivileged, lot of drugs.
I don't know. I never really felt like it was
that classic experience I always wanted.
For instance, there was no football team.
Well, it's not exactly the '50s here, either.
I mean, it may not be fast-lane L. A...
...but, you know,
we're not completely naive.
- We do things.
- Like what?
- Yes, like what?
- Yeah, like what?
- Let's see the Colin Farrell movie.
- Let's not.
What is with you and that guy, anyway?
I had a great time, Paige.
Well, I'm gonna go to sleep now.
Thanks for paying for everything tonight.
Yeah. Good night.
Will you marry me?
To listen to your messages, press 1.
You have two saved messages.
- This is my room.
Grab a sweater.
So I think I'm dating the quarterback
of the football team.
I don't know, does it get
more Breakfast Club than that?
Are you serious?
We're not exactly dating.
We're just kind of...
...hanging out a lot.
His name's Gabe.
And I'm into him. I just... . I don't know.
- Remember the guy at the mall?
That's his best friend
and they do everything together.
But they're totally different.
Gabe's really confident.
Maybe even cocky.
Have you kissed him?
Yeah. Sort of.
Not really, though.
My dad's having an affair.
And the weird thing is
that I'm really not mad at him.
I mean, I am...
...but I'm mad at my mom.
Well, that doesn't seem fair.
I know. I just--
I can't end up like her. I mean, she's...
...cold and superficial.
I mean, she's obsessed
with making her life...
...look more like
a Crate and Barrel catalog.
I don't understand
how she just doesn't scream...
...every time she looks at herself in the--
I mean, especially now--
Why you telling me this?
I don't know.
Your mom said you're a painter?
I'm not a painter.
I just do it sometimes.
It kind of calms me down
when I'm freaking out.
Helps me with my problem.
And what's your problem?
I'm afraid to kiss Gabe Foley.
You'll get over that, trust me.
When you're in the moment,
with the right person, you'll be fine.
Hey, so my mom doesn't really
know anything about my dad.
Hey, you don't have to do that, okay?
I'll clean it as soon as I
put this on the stove.
Will you just let me?
What does that mean?
- My cell phone?
Okay, well, it's probably my boss.
Most likely, he's calling
to tell me I no longer have a job.
You're in swimming-pool resurfacing?
What? I'm a writer.
What do you write?
I write children's books.
That's nice. I love children.
That's not true. I used to.
Now I resent them. But maybe
I could read one of your books.
I didn't bring any here with me,
so it's gonna be kind of difficult to do that.
It's too bad. I would have loved to have
read something you wrote before I died.
I hate to be the one
to have to tell you this, okay?
But you're not dying.
It's just not gonna happen.
So would you please--?
Would you stop saying that?
You know what hospice is?
When you find my lifeless corpse...
...those are the people
you're supposed to call.
And they'll manage everything.
They'll put me in a big Ziploc bag
and take me to the morgue.
- I've requested incineration.
- Hey. Okay.
The number for hospice in Michigan...
...is taped on the phone
in the living room.
You wanna see it?
That'll be the deli guy.
Well, that's a relief.
This soup you're making is disgusting.
- Oh, thank you.
- I'm sorry.
It's been four days.
Not that I was keeping track.
I just thought maybe... .
I know Lucy told you.
I knew she would.
So I wouldn't have... . So I wouldn't... .
Lucy did not tell me anything.
I'm pretty sick.
I have breast cancer.
Tomorrow morning, l--
I have to go into the hospital...
...and they have to cut-- Oh, shit.
And they have to cut off--
Hey, look at me.
I want you to look at me.
I'm right here, and I promise you,
you're gonna be all right.
You're gonna be all right.
I didn't mean... .
Pandy had thought
he was in the perfect relationship.
Then one day, the child he belonged to
tossed him out on the street.
He had been replaced...
... by Colin Farrell.
- What's up?
Hey. You can just go to my room.
- It's the last one on the left.
- Who is it?
Phyllis and I are about to have
an abrupt conversation.
Let's go in there.
let me explain something to you.
Okay? Look at me, look at me.
Not okay for you to answer the front door
when you're not wearing clothes.
It's not okay for you
to do anything involving other people...
...when you're not dressed.
I'm wearing a sweater.
Listen to me. Get with the program.
I'm looking out
for your best interests here.
Now, if you wanna give the illusion
that you are not completely demented...
...you will heed my advice on this. Okay?
Put some pants on.
Put some pants on.
Let's never talk about that.
How's your mom?
She had her first chemotherapy yesterday,
so she's kind of out of it.
Maybe you could visit her.
She hasn't exactly indicated
that she'd be too into that.
It seemed more like maybe... .
Yeah. She's tired a lot.
It's good to see you.
So I came here
because I kind of have a problem.
And you were-- That night on the field,
you were really kind of helpful.
- I was wondering if maybe you could... .
- Yeah. Absolutely.
This is gonna sound... .
Apparently, Gabe couldn't wait for me
to find the courage to hook up with him...
...so he decided to hook up
with my best friend.
And it's been pretty awful at school.
I mean, drama, a lot of meaningful looks
across the parking lot.
Anyway, there's this party tonight...
...and I was suppose to go with him
and now... .
I mean, I haven't talked to him.
Yeah, you have to go.
Look fantastic. Be nice to everybody.
Have a great time.
You do that, you're a rock star.
Come with me.
Let's not get carried away.
Seriously, I walk in with you.
You're older, intelligent, mysterious.
I am mysterious.
I am totally kissing your ass right now.
I mean, it would be so cool.
And I would be indebted to you for, like...
...the rest of time.
This is just like a dream I have.
But I'm naked except for my sneakers.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the amazingly beautiful Lucy Hardwicke.
Tonight she's wearing a designer dress
and is escorted by this guy.
- Hey, how's it going?
- Howard Portchnik.
- What did you say your name was?
- Howard Portchnik.
- Portchnik. And your father?
- Rodney Portchnik.
- Is he here?
- In Bermuda, actually.
I don't think I'd be having this party
if he was.
- Have fun, kids, stay awesome.
What was that?
I think, like a million years ago,
my mom had a thing for that guy's dad.
Oh, my God. You're here.
That's so cool of you.
And you are...?
I'm her best friend. Yeah.
I don't... . Do I know you?
I don't know.
Oh, my gosh, Madison's here.
Come on, I have so much I have to tell you.
It's F-ing crazy.
- Go. Go, it's all right.
- You sure?
It's crazy. I'll be around.
We drank so much.
Whoa, hey, you're here. I mean--
I'm a real party animal.
- So how you doing?
- I'm good. Actually, I'm really good.
Oh, that's good.
If you need someone to talk to
or maybe just... .
I don't know.
But I'm pretty much around anytime--
Yeah, great. We gotta keep going, Lucy.
There's some seniors from Carver
we want you to meet. So hot and funny.
This guy is a complete asshole.
I could have been the son of an asshole.
Mom, you're never gonna believe
where I'm standing.
Carter. It's Sofia.
Are you there?
Yeah. Hi. Hey, how are you?
God, I missed you.
So much is happening.
I don't even know where to start.
I just feel like my whole life
is, like, crashing in.
I cry all the time...
... and you are the only person I can talk to
when I'm flipping out like this.
My best friend.
How are you?
Are you the pathetic faggot
trying to scam on Lucy?
I'm gonna have to call you back.
You think you can step into my 'hood,
slinging game at my girl...
...drinking my boy's brew,
and expect not to be scrapping directly?
- Are you deaf and stupid? I said--
Don't-- Don't repeat all that, please.
Okay, I think the answer
to your question...
...depends on whether you have,
like, a learning disability...
...or you're just an average moron.
- All right.
- Okay. Above-average moron.
- Don't take that.
- What was that, faggot?
- Get him, Gabe.
- What the hell?
- This guy is a good friend of mine.
- You complete asshole.
No, you don't.
I think we all understand...
...that I am not the complete asshole
in this situation.
- It was your mistake.
- Would you shut--?
Not me, not this guy,
whatever his name is.
She's beautiful and intelligent
...and you blew it.
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with me?
How could I have let you drive my car?
You know, that's the first time
in my entire life I've ever been punched.
How was it for you?
I'm not a fan.
There's something I wanna tell you.
I've actually never talked about it
Something happened when I was, like, 11.
I had this friend Ethan.
Me and Ethan did everything together.
It's not really weird to be friends
with a boy when you're 11.
...I went to his house one day.
And we were just, like...
...hanging out and, like, playing.
Doing kid stuff. I don't know.
I don't think his parents were home.
It was like Truth or Dare?
But, like, a game.
I mean, there was clothes taken off... .
I'm not really even sure, like, what--
It's all right.
I freaked out.
And then he freaked out.
And he got really defensive, saying, like... .
Like it was my fault that it went that far.
The next day at school
he must have told somebody...
...because it was everyone--
I was just so humiliated.
Teachers got involved,
and parents were--
Lucy, Lucy, that kind of thing,
that happens to kids all the time.
Really. It does.
It's just not that big a deal.
Even though, hey,
I know it feels that way.
Like, afterwards, my mom and I...
...we never talked about it. At all.
And I don't know, it just always
seemed like she was embarrassed.
That I was, like, a pervert or something--
You're not a pervert.
You didn't do anything wrong.
- Then how could she let me feel that way?
- Well, you gotta stop blaming your mom.
Hating her for these-- You gotta let it go.
If she was not there for me
when I really needed her, why should l--?
Because she might die.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.
What the f--?
That was really hard for me to say.
What, are you trying to scare me?
I'm trying to wake you up.
There's a big fucking world out there.
It's messy and it's chaotic...
...and it's never, ever,
the thing you'd expect.
It is okay to be scared...
...but you cannot allow your fears
to turn you into an asshole.
Not when it comes to the people
that really love you.
The people that need you.
So I guess we're done, right?
Yeah. We're done.
I can't-- I don't--
I don't want to start... .
Don't come any closer. Please.
I just wanted to know if you're all right.
It's my fault. I know that.
But you need to hear this, Carter.
You are never gonna
touch my daughter again.
- You can't see her.
- Wait, I'm sorry.
- I am--
- You have to go.
- What is it with you?
- I know.
I mean, if you-- If you don't
want to talk to me, fine, whatever.
But don't send Phyllis out to make
excuses for you, saying you're not in.
Where am I suppose to believe you went?
I'm the only person you know here.
- Pretty much.
It's been like a week.
I mean, five days.
I don't know. I wanted to call you,
I just didn't have your cell phone number.
I don't know.
I just thought that you were maybe...
...like, mad at me.
- Hey, I'm not.
I'm not mad at you.
So you regret kissing me?
Lucy, I can't. Okay?
I can't see you anymore.
I just-- I wasn't the guy.
Okay, then I guess-- Who is?
Actually, when you think about it...
...you're gonna find
that you already know.
I don't feel good.
I think I need--
- Nelson Hardwicke's office.
- Hi, this is Lucy. I need my dad.
Lucy, he's not here. He stepped out to- -
Mom, we're gonna try
to stand up now. Okay?
I'm gonna get you to the hospital,
but I need you to help.
I can't do this by myself.
You're having what we call
a neutropenic fever.
Your white-blood-cell count
dropped too low...
...your body can't defend itself.
I spoke with Hoffman in Ann Arbor.
We're gonna put you
on a drug called Neulasta.
I'm so sorry I wasn't--
- What happened to her?
- You're okay.
I'm gonna grab a soda.
You want anything?
No. I'm good.
- Of course I do. You're a cad.
- I can't help it.
- Hey, Sof. Sofia, it's me.
- Carter Webb.
Oh, Carter, baby.
Hey, this is just a really bad time.
Listen, I'm at this thing in SoHo
and everybody's wasted.
And I'm wasted too.
It's New Year's Eve, you know?
No. It's not. It's October.
Well, it feels like New Year's Eve.
Listen, sweetie, I really wanna
talk to you, you know?
But let me try a little later. Okay? Okay.
Yeah, okay. No.
I just, you know... .
I sort of... .
What's wrong with you?
Can't seem to get it together.
I'm 26 years old.
I'm healthy. I'm capable.
I've had every opportunity.
My friend's are getting married
and having kids...
...and I'm just so far away.
Why did you come here?
I'm trying to write this thing
about growing up in L.A.
How long have you been trying?
Oh, 11 years, give or take.
Too long. You're not trying hard enough.
Maybe you should think about
working on something else.
Yeah. You're probably right.
I don't know. I had this idea...
...that maybe I could figure something out
and change my life.
I was wrong.
Carter. I am 133 years old.
Oh, Grandma. That's impossible.
I have spent my life
trying to figure out something.
And you know what?
It's not going well.
I didn't say anything.
I'll be dead soon and you'll still be alive.
So stop complaining.
Where did everyone go?
Paige was falling asleep.
She wanted to stay...
...but I just felt like being alone.
We should talk.
I'm not really sure
where we go from here.
Maybe you should start
by telling me why you're mad at me.
It's hard to even--
...l've been at it for so long...
...that I think I'd probably be mad at you
for pretty much everything.
I mean, anything.
You know, they did another CAT scan
before the chemo last week.
They say that apparently the surgery
was very successful.
There aren't any cancer cells
that they can see...
...so all this shit that I have to go through
is to make sure.
But I know I'm gonna be all right.
And I didn't before.
I was really afraid.
I don't wanna miss the part
where I actually get to know you.
Listen, I don't know what happens next,
either. I don't know.
I'm just gonna keep loving you.
And I'm gonna keep hoping
you let me into your life.
And I will make mistakes, of course...
...but I will always be there for you.
There's just one thing
that you've got to do for me.
You've got to quit smoking.
- I will.
You should be sleeping, Mom.
I've been trying to write this letter
for a while.
The kind you said you'd never received.
The kind I've been working on
my whole life.
I remember being 13 years old,
sitting in my room all night...
... listening to the same song
over and over.
I thought that if I could write
something beautiful, something honest...
... maybe I could make someone love me.
I've taken a lot for granted.
I never tried too hard.
I've always avoided responsibility.
I came here because I was running away.
I wanted to be alone.
Instead, I met you.
I met you, and you weren't
taking anything for granted.
I hope you get
all the moments you deserve.
I hope you go back to New York
and sit in the Met...
... in the room with the paintings
of the Hudson River.
And I hope when you do,
you take Lucy with you...
... because I know she would love it.
I'm sorry if I've made your life
I'm sorry for a lot of things,
but most of all...
... I'm sorry I never got the chance
to tell you no matter what happens next...
... I'll never be anything but grateful
for every moment I spent with you.
And even though I keep fumbling
for the right words...
... all I really wanted to say
was thank you.
I had one of my children's books
FedEx'd from L.A.
It's called Pandy: The Unlovable
Self-Destructive Teddy Bear.
You might really like it.
There's no pictures yet,
Grandma. Wake up.
You wrote me a letter.
It's freezing out here.
Seriously, I mean, I've heard things,
but this is ridiculous. It's-- You know?
I'm gonna miss you a little bit.
Do you maybe want to go for a walk
I can't. I have to--
I have to get back inside.
I'll see you around.
You know, I have to have the last word.
Yeah, I guess. I was so close.
Well, what happened?
I just feel like it's missing something
at the end.
You have any ideas for me?
What's it about?
My grandmother. She passed away.
- Sorry. Was she wonderful?
- Yeah. She was pretty wonderful.
- Did you spend a lot of time with her?
- Towards the end.
That's a really nice thing
to be writing about.
No. I got no ideas.
That's so disappointing.
It would have been so cool
if I could have just come in...
...and given you that perfect nugget
of genius, and then walked away.
It's what any decent waitress
- Sorry. Settle for a refill?
Janey. Very nice to meet you.
Yeah. You too.
You know, if you're not too busy...
...I was wondering maybe do you
wanna read the scene I'm working on?
It's really rough, but I think
I could really use some fresh eyes.
Okay. But I have to warn you,
I'm a really tough critic.