Meet Dave Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Meet Dave script is here for all you fans of the Eddie Murphy movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Meet Dave quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Meet Dave Script


Dude, dude, no, I was, like,
"Yes, we do have nuclear missiles."

And he was all, like, "No, you don't."

And I was all, like,
"Yes, we do. Whatever."

And then I was, like,
"Well, what part of 'whatever'

do you not get?"

Josh? Josh?

Hey! How many times have I told
you kids not to play ball in this alley?

- Mom!
- Are you all right?

I'm fine. It wasn't a baseball.
There was... this thing!

It came from space!
It almost hit me!

- A thing came from space?
- Yeah.

You have...
the biggest imagination, mister.

- But...
- Come here.

I'm glad you're all right.
- But...

No buts. It's time
to get ready for bed, please.

Here. And don't walk over there
until I pick up that glass, okay?


Knox. Dooley.

Got a report on some kind of fireball
or something like that

over on Liberty Island.
Check it out.

No way. A fireball. Cool.
We'll get right on it.

Sarge, can't you get
somebody else to handle it?

Come on, we just pulled an all-nighter.
- I'm so sorry, Mr. Knox. Tell you what.

Lie down in my office, and then
I'll come by with your blankie,

and you can get yourself
a nice nap.

Come on, it's gonna be great. A fireball?
How often do we get a call like that?

Do me a favor, okay?
Act like a cop and stop caring.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Ohhh, my God,
are you all right?

Hello? Please don't be dead!

Oh, did you see that?
He came out of nowhere!

It kind of looked
like you sped up to hit him.

I was going for the parking spot!
Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus!

Are you all right?

Are you okay? Hello?
Please say something.

Oh, my God, his foot!
I'll call an ambulance!

Oh, God. Please stay alive,
please stay alive,

please stay alive, please stay alive.
This is such bad karma from...

Where did he go?
- I don't know.

Mr... Guy?

- This will take some time.
- Copy that.

All clear.

Repairs underway, sir.

Damage report.

Right arm, all well.

Left arm, ready.

- Casualties, doctor?
- Abrasions, contusions.

Nothing significant, Captain.


Running diagnostics, sir.

Lieutenant Buttocks,
what is your status?

Captain, we had a small gas leak.
It was silent, but not deadly.

Well, crew, it seems
our ship has survived the impact.

Actually, diagnostics
are not encouraging, Captain.

This collision was unexpected,
so our impact shields weren't activated.

How long can we operate
at full capacity?

Forty-eight Earth hours at most.
After that, system functions will fail.

- And our tracking computer?
- Down, sir.

That means we only have
the last known coordinates of the orb.

It can be anywhere within 10,square meters of our current location.

No. 2. Options?

We could continue on the mission, sir,
but it's extremely risky.

The prudent course would be
to return to our home planet, Nil,

and repair the ship.

Assemble the crew.

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare for
an address by your esteemed captain!

This... is it.

This is the moment
that we've all been training for.

We all know what's at stake.

Our planet is on the verge
of a catastrophic energy crisis.

The device we sent to
this world to drain its oceans

has been knocked off course
and is lost somewhere in this city.

Once it is found and deployed,
the salt from this world

shall power our home world
for ages to come.

Without it, our people
will perish in less than one generation.

I will not permit
that to happen.

We must succeed.

- For Nil.
- For Nil.

- For Nil.
- For Nil.

Back to your posts.

No. 3.

Do we have sufficient
linguistic information

to help communicate
with these natives?

Yes. I tapped into their central
planetary databank, named "Google".

What a frivolous name
for such a vital function.

Well, if you prefer,
there's another called "Yahoo!".


What about...
- Cultural and historical references?

Already on it, Captain.
- Good.

- No. 4, is security prepared?
- Yes, sir.

My team can handle any threat
posed by these Gargantuan savages.

- Good.
- Initial reports confirm

that draining this planet's oceans

would have a catastrophic effect
on existing life.

We have orders, No. 3.
Our entire home world is depending on us.


We should not lament
the fates of these inferior creatures.

If the orb has fallen
into their hands,

who knows for what nefarious purpose
they could be using it

at this very moment?

Mom, there's a drunk guy
in the alley again!

- That's him.
- Who?

- The guy I just hit with my car.
- You're kidding. Again?

Oh, I barely clipped that other guy.

Sir, coronal gas readings
just spiked.

- The orb must be nearby.
- Hello?

Hello, sir, hi.
Hello? Hi, there.

- Hello, sir? Hi, are you all right?
- Contact, everyone!

- Because you just ran off...
- No. 17.

- Return to the ship.
- Copy.

I'm worried. I really feel terrible
about what just happened. Um...

Can I call you an ambulance
or something?

Any medical attention for...
For your... foot?

Your foot.

Our first verbal encounter.

Thank you for your concern.

Thank you for your concern.

It's way too high.
More bass!

Thank you for your concern.

Level the frequency.

I'm all better now.

How hard
did you hit this guy?

It's time for you to go
to school before you're late, okay?


See how she squeezes the smaller
one's skull despite his protests.

- Stop! Stop!
- Such brutality!

- Go on. Goodbye.
- Stop!

Hey, safety first. And if those boys
are after you, you tell me!

I'm calling their parents.
- Okay.

Would you like to come upstairs for
a glass of water, maybe? Anything?

I can help clean you up.

No, thank you.
I am fine.

I am in position.

Are you sure?

Okay, but, see,
that's not fine.

So, maybe you should come upstairs,
or I can call an ambulance.

Sir, we cannot let her
contact the authorities.

Agreed. We will go in long enough
to put her mind at ease.

Yes, I will accompany you.
Thank you for your hospitality.


The thing about my car is
you gotta pump the brakes.

I mean, I just got it
back from the shop,

and I-I'm seriously considering
suing my mechanic,

because that was just crazy
about what happened.

Oh, sorry, right here!
Oh, sorry, right here.

- Hey.
- Hey!

- How you doing?
- How are you?

Good. Good timing.
I, uh, got something for you.

Three tubes of cerulean blue.

- I just ran out.
- Hi. Mark Rhodes.

Why does he thrust
his arm towards us?

Probably best to imitate him.

Hi. Mark Rhodes.

Lefty, huh? Hi.

- All right.
- All right.


- All right.
- All right.


Thanks again.
- Yeah.

- We're going right inside.
- All right, yeah.

Okay, here you go.

Sorry about the... mess.

You know, this is sort of
a workspace/home combo thingy... thing.

Right arm.
This is unacceptable.

Sorry! The liquid shifts
the equilibrium!

- I still seem to be a bit shaken up.
- Oh, crap.

- There, I feel much better now.
- Oh, good! That is great.

Great news. Good.

So, then, you don't need to call
your lawyer, or anything crazy like that,

because that would be
just pointless, wouldn't it?

Good. Oh, I'm Gina,
by the way.

Gina Morrison.

And you are...?


This is a list of the most common
names on this planet.

My name is...

- Ming Chang.
- Ming Chang?

Sorry. Sorry, you just struck me
more like a Dave, or something.

Which happens
to be my other name.

Dave Ming Chang?

Dave Ming Chang.

Dave Ming Chang.
All right, well, Dave, um,

I feel just terrible about this whole thing,
uh, and I was gonna have some breakfast.

Would you like to join me?

- No, I really have to be going now.
- Are you sure?

I mean, I sort of have a rule that,
when I hit somebody with my car,

I need to make them breakfast.

That was a joke.

So, where are you from?
Do you live around here?

Yes, of course. I am just a regular
person from right here on Earth,

just like you.

I just don't get out
that much.

Yeah, judging from your suit,
I'd say since about 1978.

Note, all-white apparel is not
as standardized as we thought.

You late for a Bee Gees concert
or something?

The Bee Gees. Barry, Robin
and Maurice, the Brothers Gibb.

Winning ten Grammy awards
and selling over 100,000,000 records.

Oh, you can tell by the way
I use my walk

I'm a woman's man
No time to talk

Stayin' alive

Wow. That's impressive
love for the Bee Gees, man.

I'm sorry, I had no idea.
You know? Foot in the mouth.

Listen, do you, uh, mind
whipping these up for me?

That would be so great.
Just a little help.

I'm so used to making breakfast for Josh,
and all he wants is waffles.

Anyway, he's off
to school now.

Yeah, I don't know, he's got
these bullies after him right now.

You don't have any kids,
do you?

I mean, you don't really
seem like a kid person, but...

Anyway, I just...
I try to be there for him,

but I don't really know
how to deal with it, you know.

I'm just doing the single mom thing,
and I'm so permissive of everything.

Oh, my God,
I am talking your ear off.

- All is well.
- Okay, uh, why don't you just take a seat?

And, uh, I can finish this.

Here, you like ketchup?

- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.

I feel much better now.

That's a new one.

Oh, that's our cat, Boris.
I hope you're not allergic.

Are you?

Cats. Here we go, sir.

Boris, what are you up to?

- Captain.
- Yes?

Yes, my husband was
a captain with the Navy.

- I am a captain.
- Really? A captain of what?

I am a captain of crunch.

Where is your captain now?
- Frank died four years ago,

so... it's just me and Josh now.

It's been rough sometimes,
but we're okay.

There is a strength
to this one.

Captain, the orb!

Where was this image captured?

That's Josh at school, the science fair.
He,uh, he always walks around with this thing.

See, he thinks it fell
from outer space.

- We must locate the boy.
- We're on it, sir.

729 East 44th Street.

I really have to be going now.
Thank you for the ketchup.

Oh! Uh, okay. Um, you know,
the eggs are just another...

That's the... closet.

Sorry about hitting you
with my car.

A couple of frat punks get drunk,
miss the last ferry,

stick a rag in their bottle of Stoli,
and then, kaboom!

Suddenly, my morning roll in the hay
with Tracy gets canceled.

I think this is
explosive residue.

Don't. Don't do this, Dooley.
I see you getting interested in this.

I see that wacko
X Files gleam in your eye.

That might be the boy, there!
In that group of Earth children.

What structure is this?

It appears to be
some sort of shrine to technology.

This is the best they have to offer?
Their mini-computers are gigantic!

And a slamming home page
means more online buddies.

Dude, while you're waiting,
check these out.

Awesome surround-sound headphones.
Seven ounces, left and right quad.

The sound will blow you away.

Is that insane?

It's like the subwoofers
are actually inside your head.

Damage reports coming in
from all parts of the ship, Captain!

Sir! Structural integrity weakening!

We have got
to get out of here!

The sign clearly indicates
"Do not walk".

And yet, they keep walking
and walking and walking!

Apparently, chaos
is the order of the day here.


is Two all right?

This is a big planet.

There might be contaminants
we've never encountered before.

I'll keep an eye on it.

Why don't you take a picture?
It lasts longer.

It's the ice cream man!

Ice cream man,
over here!

- Ice cream!
- Hey, look, it's the Good Humor man!

It's this suit again!

How in Nil did we wind up
with this wardrobe debacle?

We must have missed something.
- I can't see how, sir.

We carefully studied the only signal
ever intercepted from Earth.

The plane! The plane!

When we enter the boy's school,

we must not draw any
undue attention to ourselves.

Yes, we must rid ourselves
of this inappropriate attire

and replace it with clothing that is
the epitome of both hip and now.

Welcome to Old Navy!

- Any ideas?
- Likely a ritual greeting, sir.

Welcome to Old Navy!

- Welcome to Old Navy!
- Welcome to Old Navy!

Welcome to Old Navy!

Welcome to Old Navy!

Welcome to Old Navy.

Welcome to Old Navy!

Welcome to Old Navy.

Can I help you find your size?

I am obviously
the same size as everyone else.

I just meant
are you, uh, small, or...

I believe he simply wants to know
the dimensions of your clothing.

Yes, you can help me
find my size.

Welcome to Old Navy.

Crew, prepare for
an unrehearsed maneuver.

Come on!

- What the...
- Sorry, sir! It won't happen again!

I can help you if you'd... Oh!
How about I help you take that.


Yes, this is my size.
Welcome to Old Navy!

Excuse me. Do you have a private chamber
where I can try on these garments?

Changing room back there
behind hoodies.

Welcome to Old Navy.

Sir, we have arrived
at the school.

This can't be right.

One singular sensation
Every little step she takes

Apologies, sir.

Apparently, we are on
West 44th Street.

One smile
and suddenly nobody else will do

Let's get out of here.

- Hey!
- What do you got here, little freak?

- That's mine!
- What do you use it for, playing nerd-ball?

Whatever it is, it's mine now.
- Give it back!

Or what?
You gonna tell your mommy again?

Can I help you?

I am here for
the fifth-grade classroom.

Okay, all right, you're very late,
but you.... but you're here, at least.

It's-it's been a madhouse.
Half the teachers are out with the flu.

I'm just gonna... I'm gonna have to
throw you to the wolves.

Don't say a word.
I will mess you up.

Josh Morrison.

What are you doing here?
Are you the sub?

You would know the sub, loser!

I don't know him!
My mom hit him with her van!

I am Dave Ming Chang,
the sub.

What is your name?

- Smellmy.
- Smellmy what?

Smellmy Buttcrack.

I am sure the other Buttcracks
would disapprove of your behavior.

You don't look
like a teacher.

I'm going to report you.

- Vaporize the child at once!
- Delay that order.

I am indeed your temporary instructor,
which I shall prove to you now. Observe.

Let's teach them
something simple, shall we?

What the...

The unified field theory. The ultimate
pearl of wisdom in all of the universe.

Now, you are educated.

What is your destination?
- I'm gonna sharpen my pencil.

Here, let me assist you.

- There.
- Thanks, I think.

Josh Morrison.
Come with me.

What are you doing here?
You're not really the sub, are you?

You have something
that is mine.

It is a small spherical device,
2.7 inches in diameter.

How'd you hear
about that?

And how can it be yours
if it came from outer space?

Are you an alien?

We've been compromised!

I'm just messing with you.

That's very funny.
It's very important that I find it.

Do you know where it is?

Let me guess.
It's, like, top secret or something.

Yes. It is top secret
or something.

Will you help us,
I mean... me, find it?

Look, I don't have it anymore.
This jerk took it.

Well, we have
to get it back.

Where is this jerk?
- His name is Rich.

Him and his buddies are
probably headed for the deli.

- Lead and I will follow.
- Okay, come on.

Such disturbing images.

- Rich isn't here.
- Do you know where Rich lives?

No, but sometimes
I run into him in the neighborhood.

Everybody on the floor, now!

Empty the register
and no one gets hurt.

This planet continues
to reveal its ugly nature.

It deserves its fate.

- I said, on the floor, now!
- I am already on the floor.

Gravity prevents me
from floating off of it.

Get down now!

Big mistake, man.

Hey, you have forgotten
your weapon!

Dave, wait!

That was awesome! I mean, you
totally threw that guy across the room.

I was very fortunate
not to be injured.

And the gun.
No normal person could have done that.

Do you have, like,
superpowers or something?

Do you know
what would be very pleasant?

If we were to change
the subject of our conversation.

Did you see
last night's sports competition?

You see? There's another thing.
You talk so weird.

Come on, tell me, what's your secret?
- I have no secret.

- Oh, yeah? Quick, where are you from?
- I am from right here in this city.

Where exactly?
Give me an address.

The Statue of Liberty.

You live at the Statue of Liberty?

Yes, the Ming Changs have lived at the
Statue of Liberty for many generations.

Now, let us locate the orb.

Look, I don't know where Rich is now,
but tomorrow's my mom's birthday.

We're going to our neighborhood
street fair. Everybody goes.

I'm sure he's gonna be there.

You know, if you want,
you could come with me and my mom.

Sir, we can't wait until tomorrow.
Our power supply is dwindling.

This child is useless.
We must find the orb on our own.

I disagree. Without guidance,
we might not find it in time.

Contrary to expectations,
Josh has been quite helpful to us.

We will stick with him.

Man, you are awesome
at this!

It's like you've got
super video-game powers, too.

Are you sure you're not a superhero?
- Absolutely.

Fine, I give up. I'm just happy to be
able to play with somebody besides mom.

Interacting with your mother
makes you unhappy?

Nah, I don't mean to complain.
She tries.

It's just that...
dad was a lot better.

You know, my dad was
a hero in real life.

- He saved, like, a million people one time.
- That is impressive.

Yeah, we miss him.
Especially mom.

Now she spends all her time
smothering me.

- She cuts off your air supply?
- Josh, I'm home!

Oh, hey! What are you doing
back here?

Some guys with a gun
tried to rob the store,

and Dave stopped them
and saved everyone!

It was awesome!
- What? What gun?

- Mom, mom.
- Are you all right?

Mom, I'm fine! It was so cool!
Dave just took them out.

Man, I wish I could do that.
But look at me.

I'm the smallest fifth-grader
in New York City.

- You are not small. You are a giant.
- Yeah, right.

Josh, the most powerful force
in all the universe

often comes
from the smallest star.

Dave? Would you like
to stay for supper?

Sir, the longer we're in their presence,
the greater the danger of exposure.

Yes, I will stay.


Although, if you thought
my driving was dangerous,

wait till you try
my meatloaf.

Meat Loaf?

- What are you looking for?
- I don't know.

I'll tell you when I find it.

You know something, Dooley?
We gotta find you a new hobby.

Stevie, please
just hold the insult.


Oh, I forgot today
was Arts and Crafts Day.

Dave, would you mind
helping me clear the table?

Oh! You know... Don't worry
about it. I got it. I... I'm...

This is something
I do all the time.

I'm constantly dropping stuff.
Don't even worry about it.

"Men Are from Mars,
Women Are from Venus."

Oh, uh, yes, that's, um...

I would... My sister got that
for me. I would never, um...

She just thinks I need
to get back in the game, and...

Tell your sister there is
no life on Mars! Believe me.


This rendering. What is it?

Oh... That's, uh,
just something I felt.

- You felt this.
- Yeah, I did.

I did. I don't really paint
like that anymore.

And why not?

Well, things have changed.

And what is the... feeling
demonstrated here?

Well, how does it
make you feel?


It makes me feel...

Off-balance, yeah.

That's... That's close.

I remember when I painted this,
I just felt, um, love.

Huge and exciting
and crazy,

just... love.

How do you know
when you... feel love?

Oh, I think when you feel love,

you don't need
to ask that question.

I see.

Time for me to exit
into the night.


Well, um, thank you again for
being there for Josh today and, um...

And, yeah, I think tomorrow will be fun.
I'm glad you're coming with us.

So am I, Gina Morrison.


Good night, Dave.
- Good night, Gina.

Do you mind
if I rest here?


This appears to be a safe port.
We'll join this urban camper.

You ain't crazy, are you?

The last guy was here,
he said he was from outer space.

What planet?

And the party continues.

Here. Here you go.
Gets a little chilly at night.

Did you see that?

This man has nothing,

yet he offers to share
his sole source of warmth.


It seems they are a more complex
species than we imagined.

- Yes?
- My... findings are incomplete,

but I have noted more atypical behavior
spreading throughout the ship.

Is that so?

Well, I think we all just need
a good night's rest, doctor.

- Damn!
- Excuse me?

Working rather late, No. 3.

I was just doing
some additional cultural research.

And what have you found?

I stumbled onto an interesting file
in the alien database, sir.

Every man, woman and child
is forced to view it once a year.

It could be helpful
in understanding them.

Show me.

You have not changed
since our days at the Academy.

I remember the late nights
studying together.

And the nutritious protein squares
you prepared for us.

I would not have been able
to graduate without your help.

And, yet, here you've become
our generation's most renowned captain.


Here it is.

What is it you want, Mary?
What do you want?

You want the moon?
Just say the word

and I'll throw a lasso around it
and pull it down.

Hey, that's a pretty good idea.
I'll give you the moon, Mary.

I'll take it.

Lasso the moon?

Physically impossible!
- Absurd.

Good night... Captain.
- Yes, Three, good night.

I must say, sir, these...
Earth creatures keep surprising me.

A most confusing place.
It makes my head spin.

I guess I'd better
hold on, then.

I want to send this out to
every precinct, every security company

and every hospital in the city
until we ID this guy right here.

This is incredible.
Just amazing.

Amazing that two idiots like you
could've passed the police exam.

- See? I tried to tell him, sarge.
- Hold on.

It is a fact, a fact, that something
or someone has landed here.

Now, we could be making the biggest
scientific discovery of all time.

I don't wanna hear another word
about E.T., Bigfoot or the Tooth Fairy,

unless they're jacking
some old lady's car.

You got that?
- Yes, sir.

- That's good aim, sarge.
- Shut up!

- Dooley. What are you doing?
- I'm sending it anyway, Knox.

No, it's just a guy
who shoved his face in the dirt.

No, wrong. It is an alien,

an alien who shoved his face
in the dirt, and I am gonna find him.

Power reserves at 20%, sir.
That only gives us about 12 hours.

Then every minute counts.
Remember our mission, crew.

We must find the boy
with the orb. No distractions.

This is not acceptable!

And here we go,
ladies and gentlemen.

Chuck starts off fast out of the gate,
eating down those dogs,

but Earl and Homer are right behind him.
Look at them go! Look at them go!

- Come on, Dave, eat!
- Dave, just put it in your mouth!

- What are you doing? Eat it!
- Just put one in your mouth, Dave!

- Put it in, come on, now!
- Dave! Dave, eat!

You never should have
signed him up for this.

- What are you doing, Dave? Eat!
- Eat it, Dave! Put it in your mouth!

Yeah, all right!
Yeah! Yeah!

A little heads-up
might be nice!

Hey! Can a brother
get some hot sauce with that?

Look at him go!

Our champion! Eighty-five
delicious all-beef hot dogs!


Yeah, boy! Yeah!

Well executed, Captain.

Dave, that was amazing!
You are a wiener-eating champ!

And here's the grand prize.

We're under attack!

It's the creature from Thanos 7!
Battle stations!

You have menaced us
for the last time, you beast!

It seems that this is
an... inanimate creature.

At ease!

The question is: what are we expected
to do with this... plush amphibian?

Give it to her, Captain.

The female.
Give it to her.

Silly goose.

You are such a goofball.

For me? Thanks, Dave.
That was, uh,...

That's very sweet.

Red alert, Captain!
Red alert!

We need to dispose of the large
quantity of processed meat tubes!

Excuse me.

My colon is impacted.



Excuse me! Excuse me, uh,
we met yesterday.

- Mark. Rhodes.
- Mark Rhodes?

- Right. The left again.
- Yeah.

- So, you here by yourself?
- No, I am not.

I am accompanying
Josh and Gina.

All evening we have been
screaming with fear and delight.

Look... you and I should
get something straight,

and I'm not trying to
step on your toes, here.

If you're serious about Gina,
then that's great,

because she deserves
a decent guy in her life,

but if I find out that you're just...
trying to take advantage of her,

and you're using
Josh to do it,

you and I are gonna have
a serious problem.

You understand
what I'm saying?

Yes, I understand completely,
Mark Rhodes.

Does anyone here understand
what this man is talking about?

He's trying to discern if
you intend on becoming Gina's mate.

What an absurd notion!

I intend on becoming Gina's mate?
She's the size of our science pavilion.

These primitive creatures
and their silly speculations!

Wait! What's that?

- What do you want, midget?
- Rich, you gotta give me my rock back.

Oh, really? Why?

Because it's really important
to me and my friend, Dave.

It's the jerk we seek!

Rich, you've gotta
give me my rock back!

Boy, it's like you're
asking me to punch you!

So, Smellmy,
we meet again.


Stop! You're giving me a wedgie!

Stop! Please,
put me down, already!

Smellmy, are you crying
because you are sad

or because your undergarments are
lodged so cuttingly deep in your rectum?

I'm telling my mom.

Mom! Mom!

Dave, that was unbelievable!

They don't high-five
where you're from?

- No, but they should.
- There you two are!

What kind of trouble
you getting into?

Nothing. Dave was just... about
to... try out his pitching arm!

- Come on, Dave.
- Go, Dave! Go, Dave!

- You just gotta hit three. Here we go.
- Come on! Come on, come on!

Go, Dave! Go, Dave!

Sir, the orb is ours. This...
charade is no longer necessary.

It's time to throw it
in the ocean and head home.

You're absolutely right, Two,

but... I really think
I can do this.

He looks very serious.

Looking good, looking good.
Come on, you can do it!

Here we go.
He's gonna do it!

Wind up!

All right, well...

Spectacularly unsuccessful!
Why was my wrist so limp?

I was, uh,
in the bathroom.

On my command.

- Come on, you can hit it.
- Two more. Come on.

Come on. Come on.



Engineer, report!

All sensors are down and
the sun shields deployed upon impact.

Sir, we're blacked out.

The sun is exploding in my face!

I still haven't got a pulse.
Give me the paddles, stat.

- Oh, God. Don't watch.
- Clear!

Come on.
Give me more juice.


Power has been restored.

Oh, thank God!
Oh, God, is he gonna be okay?

We'll do an MRI
just to be safe.

He's okay. He's okay.

How we doing?
I have to warm it up first,

but just to double-check,
they took your keys, watch, coins?

- Yes.
- Good.

Cause people always forget
the "M" in MRI stands for "magnetic".

This'll just take a second.

I guess I still have
a few pennies.

I'm so sorry
to have ruined your birthday.

Thanks for letting
the cat out of the bag.

- Cat? Where's the cat?
- You know, it's okay,

because I'm not really
one for celebrating anyway.

Well, perhaps you will reconsider
and let us take you out for dinner.


Sir, with all due respect,
have you lost your mind?!

They've helped us. The least
we can do is try to help them.

You have become a fool!

Treating these lumbering giants
as if they're our equals.

You've made a mockery
of our entire mission!

You get out of my face. Now!


Dave? Hello?

- Right here.
- Hey, where'd you go?

I am here.

I'm so curious sometimes,
what's going on in that head of yours.

I was just pondering which
would be the best place to take you

to commemorate your birthday.

Josh, do you have any suggestions?
Perhaps a nice Cuban place?

I know a great
salsa restaurant.

All right, well, sí, amigos,
let's go party.

Everyone! We're going
to go and party!

Okay, three mojitos, one virgin.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Thank you.
- There you go. You enjoy.

- Cheers.
- Happy birthday, mom.

Thank you.

Now, careful. These go
straight to your head.

This is not acceptable!

Slow down, cowboy.

This is the best!

Cougar46 just added me
as a friend.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

He walked out about an hour ago
with a nice-looking lady and a kid.

- Oh, really? Nice-looking? She pretty hot?
- Please! Please.

You sure it's him?
- Absolutely.

Said they were going
to a Cuban salsa place.

You gotta try this.

It's like space travel,
only in your head.

I've been having... strange feelings
since we've arrived on this planet.

It seems you are, too?
- Absolutely not.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm recalibrating our weapon systems.

Just a second.

Exactly what weapon
are you recalibrating?

Okay, let's talk.

I'm feeling a little busted.

You know, pretty soon
you're gonna be too old

to dance with your mom.

Excuse me while
I run to the restroom.


I will be
going home soon.

What is the matter with you?

When you're gone, everything's just
gonna go back to the way it was.

I'm not like other kids.

I can't even
fight for myself.

My dad was a hero.

But me?

I'm just... different.

Josh, listen to me.

We would never have been able
to find the orb without you.

Not everyone would have
helped us, but you did.

Because you are different.

I am very lucky
to have a friend like you.

- You're just saying that.
- No, I am not.

You have helped us greatly.
We are all in great debt to you.

I did?

Yes. We are saved, Josh.

She thinks she's so hot. She's not hot.
Have you seen her butt?

It's like the size of our moon.
- You are so bad.

Bad and gorgeous!

Okay, another one.
I took the liberty.

Oh! I love this song.

Need anything... Captain?

Yes, I may need
some music references for...

Dave, will you
do me the honor?

Come on!

It'll be fun.

Yes, yes, I would,
I'd love to dance with you.

Ah, you're gonna love it!

Here, it's really easy.
Just let the music take you.

All hands, stay alert,
and obey my commands to the letter.

- Captain, might I have a word?
- Make it brief.

There are emotional dangers
on this planet we did not foresee.

We are on
the brink of anarchy.

Not now. I'm tryin'
to let the music take me!

All right, crew, everyone,
let's get it together, now!

All together!


Right foot! Left foot!

Okay. Here,
just follow my lead.

We should be fulfilling our mission,
trying to save our planet,

not leaping around like some sort of idiot,
attempting to woo a gigantic strumpet!

This captain has become a joke.

This is over the line, sir.
The Captain still deserves our respect.

Shake my hips like this!
More hips! Hips!

Yes, that's it! More hips!
Look, I'm dancing!

All right, I'm in.

The dancing stops now.

Here, here. Hand here. Okay?

I need more wiggle
in the posterior region!

Captain, if I may?

You think that
you can do better?

Nothing personal, sir,
but that won't be hard.

Take charge.

Okay, boys and girls,
everybody listen up!

You're gonna give me a basic,

stepping forward with the left
and back with the right.

Don't bounce,
and do not overthink it.

We're gonna put your accoutrements
right up against her.

Drop down.

This is salsa, people.
Let's make it spicy!

Follow me!

I knew you were
holding out on me.

Come on, come on, girl.

I'm about to show you
how to do the forbidden dance.

It's my birthday!

And dip her,
like a cookie in milk.

I feel good. I feel loose.

I feel good. I feel loose.
I feel good.



- Everybody, stay calm.
- Hands up. Hands up!

Should we power up blasters?


Too many innocent civilians.

Easy, folks, easy.

- Step back, please.
- Dave?

Hey, welcome to Earth.


We don't wanna hurt you.

We... don't wanna hurt you.

We're you're friends.

All we wanna know is why
you've come down to our planet.

Oh, for God's sake.

Stay calm.
They can't prove anything.

What is your purpose here?

What is your purpose... here?

- The mystery is what your purpose here is.
- Okay, you know what?

I'm trying to do a thing, and you're not
helping me out, so please stop.


No. 2, what are you doing?

- You can't do this, Two.
- Excuse me?

We're playing
by my rules now, ex-Captain!

Seize him!

- You cannot do this, No. 2!
- Can, and will.

- You brought this on yourself.
- What are we supposed to do?

You do what you took an oath to do
and protect me, your captain, Four.

Stay back, Four.
I don't wanna see anyone get hurt.

You'll never get away with this, Two.
The rest of the crew will not support you!

Oh, yes, they will.
Because they have a mission to complete.

Three, you're supporting this?

Yes, I see no other way.

That's because
there is no other way.

Whoa, who left the speaker on?

Shut that off!

Officer Dooley, can I speak
to you outside? Just for a minute.

You will regret this. Something
has been awakened in all of us.

Something you will never
be able to stop.

Looks like I just did.
Confine him to his quarters!

Attention, crew!
As of this moment,

un-Nilian behavior
will no longer be permitted.

In fact, it will be punished.


A new era has begun,
with me as your leader.

You know, we just...
met him a couple days ago,

like I've said five times.
- Hey.

- Hey!
- You guys all right?

Yes. It's been a long night.

- What do they want with him?
- I don't know.

He didn't do anything wrong!

Stand and engage blasters!


I gave you an order.

Yes, sir.

- Did you not just hear those voices?
- Yes, I heard the voices.

Wow, we got a nutjob living
in New York City. What are the odds?

So, what are you saying?
We should just let him go?

Yes, I think we should let him go!
That's exactly what I'm saying!

That's the most ridiculous thing
I've ever heard in my entire life!


Activate heat shields.

- Freeze!
- Look out!

This guy's crazy!
Somebody about to get killed!

I'm out! Son of a...

Take cover!

You, woman and child,

you have wasted enough time
with your pathetic emotional distractions.


Your undisciplined human frailty
causes nothing but chaos!

And one other thing.
Your so-called artwork

is both pretentious
and sophomoric.

I could do this all day.


Three, find me the fastest
route to the landing site.

Three, I...


No. 12! Have you been
working out?

Ah, you can tell?



- Thank you, Three.
- I didn't do this to help you.

I did this to stop that lunatic!

- What have I done to hurt you so?
- You really can't be that oblivious!

Listen to me. Whatever I have
done to hurt you, I apologize,

but right now we have to
get to the engine room

and shut down the ship!
- Fine! Let's just go.

What in Nil is your problem?

Are you all right, Josh?

Mom, I'm fine, but something's wrong.
That can't be Dave!

You have to trust me.
We need to go after him.

No, Josh,
we're not doing that.

- I know you want to protect me.
- Of course.

But Dave is my friend,
and I need to protect him right now.

- Josh.
- If we don't help him,

something terrible's
gonna happen. I know it!

I was just making conversation to ease
the apparent tension between us.

- Don't. You're making it worse.
- You know what...

No. 3, didn't take you long
to betray me.

This is not the answer, Two!

You weren't Nilian enough
to do your duty,

so, you left me no choice.
- Listen to reason.

We thought that Earth was not
worth preserving. We were wrong.

There's much we've learned
from this place.

We must not hurt these people!
- Yes, we must!

And since you two seem to love
these Gargantuan beasts so much,

have fun living among them.

I have a little tickle
in my nose.

- Follow me!
- No, follow me!

Three, I'm so sorry
that you're out here with me.

Not half as sorry as I am!

Please, we'll have the entire
journey back home to argue.

- This may not be the best spot, sir.
- And why not?

Mother of Nil!


- I'm coming, Three. Don't move.
- Great advice, Captain.

Because I can't!

- Are you all right, Three?
- Please! You have no concern for me.

All you care about is Gina,
your big, fat girlfriend!

You think that she's fat?

If she wears a size infinity,

then she's fat!

Well, it takes me almost getting
run over for you to even notice me!

I'm practically invisible to you!

Invisible? Quite the opposite.
When I look at you, what I see is...

The ship!

I love New York.
Let's go!

Trust me, Three. Jump!

It's working!

You see?
Just as I planned!

Look, if we let go
at precisely the right moment,

we'll be propelled to the ship.

On three.

One, two, threeee!


I asked for you
to be assigned to this mission

because you are kind,
intelligent and beautiful,

more so than anyone
I've ever known in my life.

And without you,

I would be nothing.

Why have you never
spoken to me of this before?

Because I was
too Nilian to express it.

I should have lassoed
the moon for you long ago.

But now let's
turn the ship around.

We'll never get there at this rate.
Give me full power to the legs!

I told you. Our power
is nearly depleted.

Crew, prepare to hail a cab!


What? An alien cannot
get a cab in this town?

Hey, buddy! This is my cab!
What are you doing?

Liberty Island Ferry.
Make haste... or die.

Yes, every available cop
in the city, and the Feds.

I knew it. I knew it, I knew it!
I knew we were not alone in this universe.

- Look, I'm not convinced he's an alien.
- Oh, you're not?

- So what?
- So what? So, who you calling?

- Homeland Security.
- Don't do that.

They're gonna overreact!
We don't even know why he's visiting yet.

Well, it's obviously not
a peace mission!

Get those big slobbery lips
away from me!

And while you suckers
are sitting here talking,

he about to go
suck your planet dry!

I need somebody
from Homeland Security, please.

I don't have the extension.

- Are you with Dave?
- No.

No, no. I come free
with a venti latte.

Of course I'm with Dave, stupid!

- I need... Hey, you got a comment?
- No.

I need the extension from you guys
because I don't have it.

- Do you know where he went?
- Yes, I do.

I need a ride, though.

- Okay.
- Well, what you waiting for?


Wait, wait, wait.

Don't be shaking me.

Sorry. I apologize.

Don't be blowing on me!
I don't know you that well!

Slow down. Slow. Wait. Wait, wait.
Wait, I said slow down now!

Wait, it's dark in here.
I'm in.

Please, hurry.
Dooley, where you going?

Hey, sarge, you got
a little schmutz right here.

Shut up!

- How many tickets you got?
- I've never been caught speeding.

In New York.

This year.

Long live Nil.

Sorry, Earth.
Sometimes No. 2 happens!

Captain! Thank goodness
you're back.

No. 2's become
a raging lunatic.

Not to worry, kind friend.
I'm back, and I'm taking over.

Welcome, Captain.

Right Arm!

- What the devil is this?
- Someone's overriding the system!

Only the Captain has
the code to over...

The Captain!

You are in my chair!


- Put down your weapons.
- Seize him!

Guards, I said seize him!
You've seen what a fool he's been!

We all know I am the only one
qualified to get us home.

Is this what you want?
This chaos?

We choose our Captain.

This planet rocks.
Deal with it.

Get out of my chair.

Captain, the orb is in the water.

The siphoning process
is getting stronger by the minute.

Right Arm, summon the orb.

Captain, the fight
drained our power below 1 %.

I-I can re-route booster energy,
but there won't be enough for take-off.

Well, Captain, it seems
you have a choice.

Save this planet
or save yourself.

I choose this planet.

And what of
your beloved crew?

Are you willing to condemn them
to the same fate?

Stranded here in
a world of behemoths?

I believe it is
the right thing to do,

but I cannot
make this decision for all of you.

I say we save Earth.

And its moon.

My life began on this planet.

I no longer feel like No. 3.

I am Dave Ming Chang.

I have 443 new friends on MySpace

and a JDate next week with
a woman named Sheila Moskowitz.

I am Dave Ming Chang.

I am Dave Ming Chang.

- I am Dave Ming Chang.
- I am Dave Ming Chang.

- I am Dave Ming Chang.
- I am Dave Ming Chang.

I am Johnny Dazzles,
and I am fabulous!

What? Not everybody
has to be Dave Ming Chang.

You've all gone completely mad!

Take him and put him

in my butt.

Engineer, divert all remaining
power to Right Arm.

- Way to go, Right Arm!
- Yes!

Dave! Are you okay?

Dave! What is happening?
How can we help you?

Thank you,
but it is too late.

We are out of power.

We'll never get back now.
It is over.

Hands behind your head! Understand?
Step away from that thing!

- No!
- Hey! Let us handle this, folks, okay?

You don't need your guns,
all right? Don't hurt him!

We're not gonna hurt anybody.

We're just gonna talk.
- Dooley, enough!

You've seen what that thing can do.
Hands behind your head!

Captain, with no shield
and no power,

the projectile from his weapon
will breach the hull.

We'll take casualties.

He can't move!
He doesn't have any power left!

- Hands behind your head!
- He can't move!

- Josh!
- Kid!


We have power.
We have been saved.

All hail Josh the hero!

Stay right where you are!

Yeah, if you're trying to freak me out,
it's not gonna work.

All right, that's gonna freak me out
a little. Do you see that?

- I do.
- Is that a guy?

- Looks like it.
- Like a really little guy?

- Like a really little guy.
- On his tongue?

What'd I just say?

- Hello.
- You-you see that, right?

There's a little guy in there?
- He's talking.

- Yeah.
- Dave.

I apologize to all of you.

It was my second-in-command
who took control of my ship by force,

and... it was he, not I, who performed
these unspeakable acts of cruelty.

Will you put that thing down?
Would you please?

I mean, the guy's an inch tall.
You look like a wuss. Right?

Josh, my friend.
You helped save two worlds today.

And you taught me the true meaning
of friendship and courage.

Your father would have been
proud of his young captain.

Promise me you'll always
take pride in being different.

- I promise.
- High-five.

Perhaps that's not
such a great idea.

- Gina.
- Yeah. Yeah, hi.

You're, you're really tiny.

And I should have known
you were an alien,

because no straight man
is that good a dancer.

I think I'm finally able to understand
how your painting makes me feel.

I feel love.

- Okay, I guess she's not that fat.
- Told you.

Hey! Hey, man!
Hey, don't forget about me!

Yeah! I'm not trying
to stay in here!

You squeezing my brain!

You're gonna make it pop! Stop!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Hey, slow down. I don't want you
messing up my sexy.

Okay. Easy.
Almost, almost, almost, almost.


Hey! Yeah. Yeah,
that, that look good.

Time for us to go home.

- I'll miss you, Dave.
- And I you.

Remember, I'll never be
that far away,

good friend.

A little room, please.

What? No!


- FBI!
- Out of the way!

Move, move, move!

- No!
- Hey, what is going on?

Mom, look!

He's okay.

I didn't think
we'd make it out of there.

Good thing you have
such big feet, Captain.

We'll have much to explain
when we return home.

We'll find another way
to save Nil.

There are plenty of worlds
out there for us to explore.

Yes, No. 3.

But what we learned
on Earth

is more valuable
than all the salt in the galaxy.

And when we do return,
it looks like I'll be needing a new No. 2.

I think you'll be needing
more than that.

Yeah, Captain!
Get in there, Captain!

Cue the new anthem.

Special thanks to SergeiK.