Moving McAllister Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Moving McAllister script is here for all you fans of the Mila Kunis and Jon Heder movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Moving McAllister quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Moving McAllister Script

My niece is a basket case,
but she's a good kid.

She wants to be an actress.


Savannah, Georgia.

Flying won't work.

There's a pet,

and I have a crate full
of stuff at my house.

Miami to L.A.

Get an intern, they've
gotta be good for something.

No, we need someone
boring, predictable,

a real kiss-ass
kind of guy.

Hello, Mr. Ragstan, beautiful
tie. Latte and...

Can you check yourselves
off please?

Hi. How are you doing?

That's it.

"Whereas conduct is
expressly declared by law
to establish his complicity."

Keep reading,

Hey! I need 50 copies of
these by tomorrow morning.

Thanks, Mr.Thompson, I can stay
late and get this done for you.

I like that tie, I do.
You want it collated?

All this work for what, Rick?
So that you can
end up like that guy?

No Carl. So I can end
up like that guy,

and be a
partner some day.

Just gotta get my
foot in the door first.

Maxwell McAllister, huh?

That's someone you want to
pattern your life after?

Eighty hours a week and an ulcer
the size of a grapefruit.

Well, see you in
the bar book, buddy.

As for me,

I'm out of here.
Thundercats is on.

It's only 4:20.


Don't you think it's
about time to move on?

Just make a
serious effort?

Look, I'm losing you.
I'm in the elevator.



I just love
working here, sir.

Great firm, sir.


And if-if there's
anything I can ever do,

anything you need,
I'm talking anything, I mean--

I'm moving a few
things tomorrow,

I could use
an extra hand.

Yeah, I can move. I just--
I take stuff, and I put it--

I'm wondering if I should
tell you about my niece.

She's very beautiful.

Means the world to me.
I put her through college.

I don't think
I know her.

She's a bit of a talker.

And between you and me,
she's also a little...wild.

You know what I mean?


I mean, no, no.

If you touch her,
I will break every
little bone in your body.

8:00 am sharp,
my house.

Keep the

See you

Oh. Oh, can
I get my shoe back?

"A truck is waiting at
Paradise rentals.

"Pick up my niece
in Georgia and take her
to this address in L.A.

I expect change."

Inhale, step your foot
back to plank pose.

Exhale, chadaranga.

Inhale, pull forward and up.
Open the heart center.

Exhale, hips to the sky.

Five deep breaths.

What is it?
I'm working out.

Carl, I need a number
for McAllister.

I've never even
seen the man.

Cell phones are not
allowed in class.

My wife just had
a miscarriage.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, you should be.

Go do your thing.

Carl, he wants me
to move his niece to
his house in Los Angeles.

I'm supposed to
pick her up in Savannah.

This is going to ruin
our entire study plan.

Ooh, Savannah.
Georgia. That means
that she's a Southerner.

Does she have
a nice little accent?

Look, the Bar's in four days.
I don't think I can make it.
I gotta talk to McAllister.

Rick, this is what
you've been dreaming about.

No, it's not.

You bet it is. It's your
chance to prove to McAllister

that you've got what it takes
to be a part of his team.

You really think so?
Yeah, I'm sure of it.

Rick, you're taxing me.

Now are you going to
get with the niece?

Look, he said he--

He said, and I quote,

"If you touch her, I will
break every bone in your body."

He wrote that down.
Oh...forbidden love.

This is so hot.

I got an exam to
study for, Carl.

Will you please

Rick, I ask you
this as a friend,

will you take

We're going to drive
straight through.

That's like three days.
It's plenty of time.

We're not

You're with a girl.

we're not.
Yeah huh.

Yeah huh.

We're not.
When did you become
such a wuss?

An additional 35 cents per mile
on top of the rental fee.

Whaddya think, we're
giving things away here?


Hi, Margery.
That's a pretty name.

I have a reservation
for McAllister.

Maxwell McAllister?

I need a destination zip.


Miami to Los Angeles.

That will be $35.95 a day,

I'll give you five days
to get there.

- Three.
- What?

Three days. I'll be
there in three days.

2,438 at 90 cents a mile,
that'll be 2,235.

See, he gave me 300 bucks.

You want the truck
for McAllister?

It's the last one left.

Can you put the
difference on the card?

I can put the whole
thing on the card.

Good, because that's
what I really want.

Passenger door sticks,
gauge is broken, you'll have
to fill it up every 100 miles.

I was wondering if
you guys had any...
We're out.




Is everyone decent?

Hey, you must be Rick.


I'm Michelle, these are
my roommates.

Roommates, I'd like
you to meet Rick.
Hi, Rick.

We're having a little
farewell party.

Nice, but we really
have to get going.

Here. I made
you something.

What is it?

Drink it.
It will relax you.

It's made from
angel's tears.

It's delicious.

Rick, have a seat.

Okay, but we really
gotta be going soon.


I'm going to fall
out of this chair.

Wait, is my wing on fire?

As manager of McAllister,

Morganstern and Raphael,

I'm looking for two things
in a young lawyer:

his swing,

and his endgame.

Another hole-in-one.
You should be my partner.

I don't know if
you can afford me.

You know?

Your mom says go home.


Is that it?

Please tell me
we're not taking that.

What? This?

Aww, this is Dorothy.
Oh, hi, baby girl.

Say hi!

Hi. Oh, I love you.

We're going to have
to drive all night.

You're mad, aren't you?

Look, I'm not exactly sure
what happened last night,

but I have to be back
in Miami in 92 hours

to take the Bar Exam.

My career-- my entire life

hangs in the balance.

We are driving
2514.5 miles.

Now, at an average
of 50 miles per hour,

that's 50 hours and minutes driving time.

We have contingency hours
scheduled, for gas and

but thanks to you
and your friends,

some of those are gone now.

How about laughing, huh?

Do we have any time
scheduled for laughing?

I just wanna know just
so I don't miss it.

Where are you from?

Wichita, Kansas.

Does your family still
live there?


We should stop by and say hi.
It's totally on the way.

It's not even remotely
on the way, so let's just
concentrate on the trip.

I can see why
my uncle picked you.



You make a great

I'll drive the next shift.

You're not on the insurance.

I'm driving straight through.
Not possible.

And no drinks.
I'm not stopping
for you to go again.

So he gives me this look in
the eye like he's gonna race me.

Like he's gonna take me
in my Camaro.

He's got a Sunfire.
What's that gonna do to me?

You know what I'm saying?

So I told him I...I said...
I said..

Oh man.

You see her?

Gas and whatever she's got.

Well, what she got?

I dunno.

Well, y'all
wanna buy a mug?

Are you sure?

You can hold a
lot more than Coke in this.

You can hold crawdads, whatever
you want.
Yes, I'm sure.

They're real good mugs y'know,
and you buy one of these you get

free refills on every
Tuesday and Friday.

Heck, before you say no,
I wanna let you know
I've had my mug for five years.

So durable.

You made me wreck
my mug.

We want the mug.

You want a mug?
I want the mug.

Oh great. Well,
you're real nice, lady.

Watcha doin' hanging out
with this Clark Kent,

when you could be
with a real Superman?

Just kidding you, boy!

My God, you see
his eyes? Dang.

Could I have my mug?

Oh yeah, hold on.
You want your change?

For the kids.

For the kids.

Here you go, sweetheart.

Fill 'er up.
Thank you, my love.

You owe me for my mug.

That's $3.99.

And I'm giving this
change to the kids.

Oh, Dorothy!

Nice try, Michelle.

So why Los Angeles?
Why you going there?

I'm an actor.

Doesn't L.A. have
enough waitresses?

No, they called while
you were asleep and said
they needed one more.

Oh, oh wait, doesn't Miami
have enough copy boys?

I have to pee.

Okay, well, we got a stop
planned in about two hours.

Uh-uh. I can't wait that long.
I have to pee now.

Do the kegel thing.

What? I am poisoning myself.

Right now.
This is very--

You know, forget it.

What are you doing?
I gotta pee.

No, no, no, no! Uh-uh.

Time's up. Let's go!

Okay. Ugh. Ugh!

Is that it?

Yeah, I peed.

Close the door.

Come on, come on. No!

Hi, Margery, it's Rick.

The truck broke.

I think it's the engine.

I'm not really a car guy.

Call back if you get this.

I'm going this way.

I'll bet someone comes
in like five minutes.

I doubt it.

You're not going
to be here.

Then you'll have to
tell my uncle you left
me behind, won't you?

This is ridiculous.

These are the kind of
woods men are raped in.

You okay?


Wait, is that the car lady?

It's Carl.
Who's Carl?

He's my fat friend.

Hey buddy, I was just wondering
if you wanted to come over
and watch  Family Ties.

Carl, I'm in the
middle of the forest.

When are you
going to be done?

I'm moving McAllister's
niece, remember?


What? I thought I told
you not to do that.

You talked me into it.

No, no, buddy, I wouldn't
have told you that.

You said it was
a good career move.

Now come on over here
and have a grilled cheese.

I'm in a different state.

Carl, help!

Is that her?

Yeah, what?

Is she hot?

I gotta go.

Okay, Rick, if she's hot,
say you're tired.

If she's not, say
it's hot outside.

Wait, wait, wait.
Are you talking about me?

Wait, no no. If she's hot,
say it's hot outside.

If she's not...
I'm hanging up.

Did you give it to her?

What did he say?

He said hi.

Oh, this is so spooky.

Do you have to go
all the way to L.A.?

Can't I drop you
somewhere closer?

Like here?

Oh, look, civilization.

Maybe we should
go back and hitch.

Shouldn't we try
to get it fixed first?

What makes you think these
people can fix anything?

Well, if they can't, then
we'll go back and hitch.


What if we end up
buried in the forest?

Oh, what are
the chances of that?

Don't move or
I'll kill you!

You like that?

Huh? Huh?

Tomek! You put down
that knife right now!

Here, take the baby.

I said, put down the knife.

I was only kidding.
I'm only gonna kid you-- git!


It's alright, baby.
You're just in time for dinner.

Nice pig. Come on.
Come on, bring the baby.

Watch out for my laundry.
It's getting dry.

We got us an antenna
over there.

Picks up all kinds of shows.

You know that I missed
Days of Our Lives
for a year-and-a-half?

Marlena was a-killin'

But then I found out
it was all make-believe.

I can't tell you
how relieved I was.

I feel like
we're imposing.

Don't be ridiculous.
Tomek can get your truck all
fixed up nice and new

right after you've had
a real good meal.

Oh, he's sorry. He was just
saying how hungry he was.

Yes, you were.

Have some.

Oh, he likes you.
Eat on up, clean your plate.

So, um, does
your jacuzzi work?

Of course it does,
honey. Why would we
have a busted jacuz?

There ain't nothing
like a good long soak
after a good long meal.

Y'all got your suits?

Oh, I don't need mine.
I don't have one.

I wear my skin suit.

Lord, I better
go lock up the kids.

Kids! Get on
over here!

We keep the tub real natural,
none of that chlorine stuff.

Kills the skin, y'know.

You kids shut up
in there!

This is alone time.

There is nothing on.

Mikey, be careful
with that thing.

We are not changing the water
if you cut yourself again.

I'm about
this close, woman.

Mikey, look!

Lifetimes of
the Rich and Famous.

Look at that!

There is a pool
inside the house.

Honey, we are getting
one of those when
our ship comes in.

Them kids are awful quiet.

Rick, where are your clothes?

It's your turn
to check on 'em.

Hey, pop.

It's warm.

I fixed your truck.

Are you okay?

You look like dook.

They were really nice.

Nice nothing, they
burned my clothes.

They have good taste.

Hey, you know,
I could drive.


Well, then why don't you
just, like, pull over
and take a break?

'Cause we don't
have time.

What's this?

It's an energy drink.


What's in it?

Fruits, vegetables,


various colors.

Have some.

Maybe later.

Maybe now?

Maybe you should
stop bothering me.

Maybe you should
just drink some.


Mmm, tasty.

Rick! What is
wrong with you?


You gotta come see this!


Somebody help.


I'm going to break every
little bone in your body.

He's not breathing.

The ruffles are
repressing his chakra.

Or maybe you should give him
some mouth-to-mouth.

Grab his ankles.

Oh no, now his belt is stuck.

Does he have an inny
or an outy?

Get the door!

Open it.

Why is He-Man the guardian
of Castle Greyskull?

The architecture is clearly
more suited to Skeletor.

It just-- it just
doesn't make sense.

Stellar résumé, kid.

What font is this?

Cyrillic bold?

Thank you, sir.

I want to offer you
a place here.

I want to start you off
with a little more
responsibility than most.

How's partner sound?

Sounds great, sir.

I'm gonna write
down a number,

you tell me if you
like what you see

and then I'll tell you
if you like what I see.

Now clench those cheeks.

Come on!

Clench them tight.


Squeeze them. Hard.
One two, one two.

One two, one two.
That's it.

Feel it in the butt.

Right in the glutes.

Take the glutes
to the next level.

You need to feel it there.

When it's burning
in the glutes, you're alive.

If you're not burning,
you're not doing it right.

One two, one two.

Good. Excellent.

Excellent. Okay.

We're gonna move on
to the calves after this.

Oh, it's cold.

Whoa! Wait! Wait!

Calm down!
Calm down!

under control.

Why am I naked
with another man?

Because he saved
your life.

Yeah, that's right.

I saved your life, man.

see for yourself.

You got knocked unconscious
by the side of the road.

See, Orlie
was hitchhiking

and he heard me
screaming for help.



Short for Orlick.

Orlick Prescott Hope.

Pleased to meet you.

Anyways, we had
to transport your body

to the nearest motel we
could find to recuperate.

If you two will excuse me,

I gotta go return a favor
to Mother Nature, again.

Okay, we gotta go now.

See, I kinda told him
he could come with us.

We don't have time.

But he's on the way.

Look, I appreciate
what he did.

We can give him
a couple of bucks,

but he can't come with us.


No, that's--

No, I don't.

Will you please--

How about now?
Okay! Okay!





I know.
Going on a road trip.

Say hi
to your new friend.

I have a deep spiritual
connection to pigs.

You'll love Rick.

Come on, little one.


Rick, we are we?

In ancient times,

the gods looked
down on humans,

jealous of their mortality.

Humankind strove to evoke
pity through animal sacrifices.

The smoke of the flaming
carcasses rose towards
the heavens,

as a billowing
plea for mercy.

Orlie. Orlie!

Get off!


As a token of goodwill,

I ask the gods to bless
our journey this day,

and my two new friends,

that they may find
whatever it is that
they are looking for.


So what, did you join
a cult or invent your own.

I'm a shaman of the
Native American church.

I'm sorry--

You don't look like any
Indian I've ever seen.

Don't mind him.

Your spirituality
is beautiful.

Rick just has this
charming little way

of tearing down
everything you hold dear.

He's just upset
because he's chosen
a life of moral bankruptcy

and a succession
of loveless marriages.


That's terrible.

You know what?

The fact is, that
I've achieved everything

I've set out
to do in my life.

That bothers people.

Who wants to play
the alphabet game?

I do.

You guys go ahead.


Ah, a tree.

Good one.
Thank you.



Big sign.

Double high five.



C, c--

Oh, I know.

Can we get
some food?

Yeah, that
was a good one.

Can you get me a veggie
burger and some fries.

Ooh, and a cherry
caramel milkshake.

Thank you.

Wow, that sounds
really delicious.

This is embarrassing,

but I'm a little
short on cash.

I did save your life, man.


Hundredfold, brother.

Will you stop hitting me,

You know, you and Michelle
make a great couple.

We're not dating.

Good, 'cause I think
she's digging me.

Hey, let's see what
kind of loot she's got.


Don't hit people
in restaurants!


It's a toy, man!
What's your problem?

Yeah, it's a toy.

Get over it.

You have exactly
five seconds to apol--

Why would you even do that
to a cute, little Mexican kid.

He's Japanese.

You can't just pick
where you're from.

Okay, stop talking.

My dad's gonna
kick your ass!

Dream on, kid.

Okay? He took you and
he can take your padré.

Is that so?

No, it's--

Let's go then.

Scram, it's not
your business.

He was pretty tough
for a little guy, huh?

So, Orlie,
where are you from?

My physical being
hails from Boston.

And your spiritual?

I'm what they classify
as a schismatic psyche.

In lay terms
that's renegade soul.

No way.


See, what happened is,

when my original body died,

the spirit got all freaky

and crossed paths
with someone else's.

Now they have my body
and I have theirs.

Happens quite
often actually.

That's crazy.


Spent the last four years
of my life looking for
a 25-year-old Walapai

who doesn't really fit
in with the native culture.

You're Indian.

That totally makes sense.

Native American.

I'm sorry.

Isn't that amazing?


What's your story?

You don't seem
much of a lawyer.

That's what
I've been saying.

You should take
a personality test.

I'll bet you're yellow.

No, no, he's blue.

Give me your palm.

Wow, check out
his lifeline.


What's the point?

Well, it shows you where you've
been and where you're going

and without that,
you're nothing.

Like navel lint.

Nobody knows where
that comes from.

It comes from clothes.

That's not the point.

It might.
It does.

You know that
for a fact?

A hundred percent?

I'm pretty sure.
A hundred percent?

Okay, not
a hundred percent,

but 99.9--


See what?
You're not always right!


Make a wish.

Okay, I hate to beat
this to death

because I hate complainers

and I understand that
if we stop again,

the meal might once again
be interrupted by strange

but I for one am willing
to take that chance.

Oh, please, Rick?

But we're--
we can't stop!

You owe me a Reuben!

Please, please.
I feel bad,
I do,

but we're--

What's he doing?


You're killing him!

He's gonna die!

We're not stopping!

Every minute we spend here

is a minute not spent
on the road.

Rick, that is a spiffy
watch you got there.

Can I see
it for a minute?

I'll get a better one when
your uncle gives me a job.


She put it in her boobs.

Shelly says you live
on the way.

Are we stopping?


Can you please wipe
that off and give it back?

I'll give it back to you when
you don't need it anymore.

You visit often?

Not lately.

Do you have
a girlfriend?

Huh! No.

He's keeping himself

for McAllister, Morganstern
and Raphael.

What about her?

She's working.

You could totally
date her.

She probably thinks
I'm with Michelle.

Taken care of.

I dare you.

I double dog dare
you to go talk to her.


Watch this.

Hello-- Ahem.

I'm not with her,
I'm single, alone.

I just wanted to say hi,
that's all.

Oh...well, hi.


You know,
I have to go tinkle.

Yeah, I think
I'm just gonna go

look for some stuff.

 I called out your name 

 In a mystic dream
last night 

Don't force it.
Just relax.


Want a scrub down?

No, thanks.

Can I get a small favor?

I'm-- I'm a little
favored out right now.

Shelly's right,
you are a "no" person.

Okay, what is it?

Can't reach it.

Rubs real hard.

Maybe you should get
Michelle to do that.

No way!

Have you ever had a bimple?

A what?

A back pimple.

Or a butt pimple.

I already taken care
of those this morning.

Yeah, I have, but--

Well, girls
don't get them.

She'd think it's gross.

It is gross.

I don't know what to do.

I can't function anymore.

It's all I think about.

I can't fit
my pack on right.

They go away.

Release me!

Please do it.

I'm not ready.

Come on, do it!
Just do it.

I can't.

Just poke the bimple.

It's gross.

Give him hell.

Look, one fell swoop.

Gone and finished.

I'm ready.

Do it.

My brother!

I feel warm.

Wait, where's Orlie?

He wanted to stay here.

You know, I wish I would
have been able to say
at least good-bye.

Yeah, well, he told me that
I should tell you good-bye

for him because he was
going to take a long time.

He was in a hurry.

You left him,
didn't you?

Yeah, I did.

Between the retainer
and the bacne,

I just couldn't
take it anymore.

You could have asked me.

You said he could go!

I didn't have
much of a choice.

Oh my-- you are
so selfish.


Oh ho ho ho ho.

Oh, whatever!

You're crazy!

I'm crazy not talking
to you anymore.



Well, finally!

 She's such a lovely
sunny day 

 She makes you happy
you've had the rage 

 Condensation really pays 

 When she makes you
feel this way 

Can she please
eat something else?

 Like the blue sky 

Good girl, Dorothy.

Yeah, keep eating.

Go ahead.

Whoa! Can we
stop the truck?

I can't--
I can't do that.

Aw, Rick!
It's the ocean!

Can we please just pull over?


Pull over!

Come on!

Get back in the truck.

Come on!

I want to show
you something.

I'll wait here.


You are harboring
negative energy

and it's spilling on to me

and I don't want any!

Come on!

I'm not playing
your games. No!

Okay, so just look
at the ocean.

Now breathe.


Clear your mind.

Just concentrate
on your breathing.

Okay, in...out.

In with the good,

out with the bad.


Please don't answer that!

Hey, Carl.

Come on,
let me talk to him.

You have a minus-two
penalty to your hit roll

because you're blind
right now, think!

Hey, Rick, I haven't
seen you in a while.

Are you sick?

What's the deal?

Carl, I'm
on the road.
Come on!

I'm moving McAllister.

Oh yeah.

Hey, is she there?


Oh, wait, come on,
he wants to talk to me.

Stop it.

Listen, Bombadil,

I'm the dungeon master.

You can either roll again

or I can dock you a thousand
experience points

for not playing in character.

Carl! Carl!

Carl, I need you
to change my flight.

Get me on the last one
out of L.A. on Monday, okay?

Okay, sure.

Come on!
Come on!

Will you shut up!
Come on.

I think we're done
for the day.



I am so sorry.


I'm so sorry.

It was an accident,

I just want you
to enjoy yourself

for at least
one minute.

I enjoyed that.



How long does
it take you, girl?

Oh, shut up!

How about now?





Are you done?


Aw, you've been
driving all day.

Aren't you tired?


Well, then,
why can't I drive?

I know how
to drive a stick.

I-I believe you.

You know what?
If I died, it's your fault,
I'm going to be really upset.

Uncle Max is going to be

Mr. McAllister
is going to freak out.

I know.

Okay look, let me make you
a deal. Just listen, okay.
Hear me out.

How about we switch off,
we never have to stop,
and we just keep driving?

Please, please,
please, please!



Oh! Alright.
Come on.

Putting my life
in my hands.
Oh, shhh!

Get it?  You got it?

I got it.

Are you good?
Yeah, I'm so
good. Whoo!

This is nice.
Yeah, really.

I think I'll
take a nap.


You're just...
go to sleep!

Your mommy says
go home.

Hi, Richie.

Richie, hi.

What a surprise!


Okay, I know you wouldn't have
done this for yourself,

so, I looked at your driver's
license and I drove all night
and, you're home!

Now listen, you two
just get right in the
house and get warm.

I'm going to make
you the best waffles
in the world.

I can't believe you did this!
We should be in Arizona by now.

Okay. Can't we just say hi?

We're already here,
and she's making waffles.

We can't just leave.


There's something you
should know about my dad.

He's different.

He's weird.

What's your name, son?

Mrs. Robinson?

All right,

so, how do
we do this?

I like a lot of

And syrup.

And butter.

So how long have
you had super powers?

Who told you I
have super powers?

Oh, I have 'em, too.

How long has that
been going on?

Well, I've been able
to fly for about...

six-and-a-half years now.

Flying's good.


Yes, please.

Would you like me to
warm this up for you?

Oh, yes, please.

These waffles are

Thank you.
it's my pleasure.

Do you think I could
take a picture with
you, Mr. Robinson?

I guess so.

Visible or


Can you wait
just a minute?
Yeah, yeah.

Oh, no
you don't!

Now you stop that.
You stop that,
right now!

What have I said? Get
your-- Will you stop it?

You can't see me!
I'm invisible!
Stop it! Right now!

You can't see me!
Stop it, William.

Can't see me!
Yes I can.

William, listen to me.
You are not invisible.



Hi, Dad.

What are you doing here?

We're having breakfast.

Well, leave me alone.
Leave me alone.

Oh honey, just go wait
downstairs, please.

He doesn't want you
to see him like this.

It's okay.

How ya doing?

Let's just go, okay?

He's okay now,
he's sleeping.

He's really glad
you came, Richie.

I'm really sorry.
Honestly, I didn't know.

Oh, he'll be fine.
Don't you worry.

You're welcome

Are you coming
for Christmas?

I don't know
if I can yet.

Oh honey, I'd much
rather you come and
see us than send checks.

We're not going to
starve, you know.

I know, Mom.

Well, I told your father
you would come back, so...

Could you please come
back for Christmas?

Okay. Okay.

Oh great.
I'll be back for Christmas.

Was he always like this?


He used to be
really cool.

But when I was about 15,
he lost his job,

and his mind,

and most of our money.

It's a real treat
bringing friends home.

Especially when he
decided to be invisible.

Yeah, well, if it makes you
feel any better, my father
actually was invisible.

He left when I was young,
and mom didn't really cope
with it well, so...

I went to live with my
uncle when I was thirteen.

I'm sorry.

It's all right,
don't be.

I turned out okay,
didn't I?

Oh, thanks.


Uh, nothing.

Put your glasses on.
You're making me nervous.

My eyes are tired.

You know, I could
always drive.

Yeah, I don't think so.

After what happened last time,
we'd probably end up in Alaska.

I did mention the gas gauge
was broken, didn't I?

Didn't I?

Yes, yes you did.

And I accept the consequences
for it.

What would those be?

My ass is on the line,
not yours!

Whoa, whoa.
Rick. Rick!

You ruined my life!

That was rude, wasn't it?

Okay. Okay. You know
what we're going to do?

We are going to pretend
this didn't happen

and that we're just taking
a little break, okay?


And, I apologize.

Oh, you gotta be kidding.

Save Dorothy!

I can't believe this
is happening to me.

You do realize I have to
be on a plane in 24 hours.

Can't you take
the bar another time?

I'll lose my job.

I was valedictorian.
Top of my class in law
school. Straight A's.

All the way through.

I can't mess up now.
Not even this once.

Do you really care
about this job that much?

It's everything
I've worked for.

It's everything
I've ever wanted.



Okay, then.

Okay. If this job means
that much to you,

then I promise I will
do everything in my
power to get us there.

We're going to make it.

All right?
We're going to make it.

Just as soon as
someone comes along.

Hey guys!


I told you.

Okay. Come on.

Thanks a lot.
You're good to go.

No, d-d-don't
wake him up.

Don't wake him up.

So, what's your
ex-boyfriend do?

He used to be
a fireman.

Well, that's


Well, there's not as
many fires as you think.

So, why are you
scared of girls?

I'm not.

You can't talk to them.

I'm talking to you.

Well, that's a
little different.

Okay, let's practice.

Pretend I'm
this beautiful,

very beautiful woman.

And we're on a train,
and it's cold,

so I have to sit
very close to you.



Hi, do you want
to go out with me?

Yeah, okay,

or you could just
introduce yourself first.



Hi, I'm Rick.

Hello, Rick.

What do you do?

I'm a law intern.

Yeah, okay,
when you meet someone,

you want to put
your best foot forward.

Okay? So, say...

Say you're taking
the bar exam in 20 hours,

and you have
this amazing job
lined up

with the best
law firm in Miami.
All right?

All right.

So, Rick,

where do you live?

Miami, Florida, USA.

Oh! Oh, Miami,
I love Miami!

Oh, the beach,
the ocean, the sand...

oh, the water, oh...

Are you okay?

I'm sorry.

Wow, yikes.
Skin walkers are coming.

I liked how you were
with my dad.


Well, actors have
a lot in common
with the mentally ill.

Well, I'm glad
you're here.

I think we're
gonna make it.

I gotta call Carl.

Oh, good, because
I really need to tinkle.

Don't force it.

...and all I see
around me are the stars,

I'm naked, and, uh,

I speak Portuguese
for some reason.

Why Portuguese?

Well, because it's
a beautiful language.

Carl, it's Rick!


Rick who?
Copy room Rick.

Hey, Rick.

Oh, I booked you
on the 7:30 out of LAX.

It's the last one
if you want to make the Bar.

Great, we'll still have
a couple hours to spare.

Hey, how's
the studying going?

Pretty good, pretty good.

Could we get
some more eel sauce?

Thank you.
You want to go
get that right now?

Carl, you need to think
about the future.

In the immortal
words of He-Man,

"There is magic all around us,
if we stop to see it."

Or was that Lion-O
from the Thundercats?

Uh, I have to go, Rick.

I'm... I'm
entertaining someone.

Okay, come on,
let's go.

In a minute.

Dance with me.


Dance with me.

Really? What about
the Bar exam?

What about your dream job?
What, did you forget?

Five minutes.
One dance.

Live a little.

What would Uncle Max say?

I really don't care
what Uncle Max
would say right now.


 This night belongs
to you and me 

 You can only
be what matters 

 Because you're
seeing all I need 

 Your kiss was
all that mattered 

 It would take the world
to bring me down 

 The whole world to down 

 It would take the world 

 To bring me down 

That ain't yours!

That happens.

Hey, what's happening--

You know, you're actually
a really good dancer.

Thank you.

Skin walkers are coming.

Oh, my God.

Locke, don't open
the hatch!

are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Rick, what are you doing?

Waiting for a semi
to come finish me off.

No, we can't
just give up.

The truck's gone!

Yeah, but
so is Dorothy.

Well, at least
they didn't take
my stuff.

Y'all okay?

Lost my truck.

Left it
right here.

What do you drive?

A Paradise.

Paradise, I'm sorry--

I'm sorry for that.

Earl, who'd steal
a damn Paradise truck?


Oh, you think
the Lady's got it?


Now, when you guys
see the Lady,

you've got
to be respectful.

Is she someone

Yeah, if'n you want
to get your truck back.

So, she knows
where it is?

The Lady knows

Lady knowed

You'll get
your truck back,


It's that big door
over there.

Now, ya'll ask
for the Lady,

all right?

Well, get out!

Come on, now!

Thank you.
Get going.

All right, remember,

don't let the door hit you
where the good Lord split you.

There's no one here.

Me and my friends
want to see the Lady!

No, no, just
wait a minute.


We're here
to see the Lady.


I have a bad feeling
about this.

Come on, show a little
backbone, will you?



What's the capital
of Kentucky?






You know what
I'm saying?

Now, I really don't cotton
much to strangers

just dropping by
uninvited in my little
establishment here,

so, you'd better have
a very good reason.

Someone stole
our truck.

I don't see anybody
talking to you, skirt.

Yeah, but I--
Someone stole our truck.

Mmm, you think I took it.

No, I-- I mean,

But supposin' I did,

I wonder what could
possibly be in it for me.

Oh, well...I've got,
like, 34 bucks in change.

And you can have him.

Or, you two boys
could work it off.

I've been
just itching...

to smell myself
some new blood.

Hey, Vincent!

Tell the boys we gonna
have ourselves...

a show!

I'm sorry, sir,
w-when you say "blood,"

what do you mean?

Hey, you ever
see that movie?

It's called,

Mad Max Beyond

Only, like,
17 times.

Mad Max Beyond

 Where are all
the real men now 

 One who leads the pack? 

 Someone when the smoke
has cleared 

 He's ready to attack 

 It's hard to be
a wrestler 

 There's gonna be disaster 

 Because we need
a great defender 

 That will fight you
till the end 

 Looking for the champion 

 A hero that's going
right to the top 

 He's got to be willing,
he's got to be bold 

 No one can touch him,
It's for the gold 

 Looking for the champion 

 A man made of armor,
a knight made of steel 

 He's got to be heavy,
he's got to be real 

Let's not do this!

It's our destiny.

You boys put on
a good show, now,

because I'm going
to be thinking real hard

about what happened to that
there truck of yours.

I won't fail you.

Listen up!

Last man standing... wins!

So we can hit
below the belt, right?

Hey, Vincent,

give me 500 bucks down
on this here red boy.

What about biting?

And gouging?
Can we gouge?

Okay, Orlie, we just
got to sell it.

Make it look good.

Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Go, Red, go!



Green! Green! Green!


Get him!


Hey, Rick, are you okay?


Aw, he'll be fine.

What about the truck
and the pig?


Now, that would be sort of
unfortunate-like, because--

You don't understand.

We've got to get
that truck back.

No. You don't understand.

Look, in the past three days,

I've been drugged
by Bohemians,

stuck in a filthy Jacuzzi
with a couple
hillbilly swingers,

woke up naked
in a motel next to him,

and then was forced by a man
who calls himself the Lady

to fight in a cage
like an animal.

You put on one good show,

and I even made
a couple of bucks
off Little Red there,

so, makes me feel all warm
and generous-like inside.

You earned it.

But you little ones,
you be real careful, okay?

All right, man, you did it!

We're back on the road!


 27 bottles of root beer
on the wall 

 Take one down,
you pass it around 

 27 bottles of beer
on the wall 

 26 bottles of beer
on the wall... 

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stop the truck!

This is it.

Somewhere over there,

I'm going to find the place
where my body is waiting...

waiting for its true owner.


Take care, brother.

Thanks, Orlie.

Sorry about
leaving you.

The whole bimple thing
threw me off a little.

No worries, friend.


Take this.

I won't need
this anymore.


Oh, you be careful.

Don't worry about me.

You two just keep up
the good work.

Until we meet again.

Well, just think,

in a few hours,
this'll be all over.


Can't you just pretend
you're going to miss me

for one minute?

I could, but I'm really
tired right now.


I mean, do you think
we'll see each other again?


I don't know.

Well, you don't fail
to spoil a moment, do you?

Well, what do
you expect? I mean,

we're both going to go
our separate ways.

You're going to go to Hollywood
to become a big actress.

And I'm going to be
a money-hungry lawyer.

It's very simple.

Really, what's changed?

Nothing, I guess.

Maybe you should
get some sleep.

You made it.

You're late.

Well, we hit
a few snags, sir.

Can you open up
the crate for me?

Y-- Yeah.

There's a surprise
for you in there,

a token of my appreciation.

Go on.

You're-- You're looking
for something...

quite small.

I thought you
might like it back.

I called you a cab.

You can leave the truck here.

 At least, come join me 

 Within the belly
of the big blue sea 

 Set a sail,
catch a breeze 

 Come on, don't forget
to fill your suitcase 

 Now watch it sink 

 Because where we're going
we don't need a thing 

 Not a map, or a receipt 

 Because where we've been
is who we used to be 

 We started wrapping
our regrets in cloth 

 Are you defined by all
the things you want 

 Or did you get
caught up in the things
that we are not? 

All right.


 You were born to believe  

 You can't get lost 

 So when you'd run,
you'd always get too far 

 Now there's nothing
you haven't seen 

 But where we're headed
we have never been 

 Past the pavement
that we used to walk 

 Past the people
that we used to know 

 Oh, come on, go 

 Past the people
that have broke our hearts 

 We started laughing
at them from afar 

 But now we climbed
too high without a rope 

 Come on, go 

 No, we are not swans 

 Nor are we as ugly 

 As we think we are 

 We don't care for compliments
but please don't stop 

 No, come on 

 Come on 

 We are not swans  

 We fit into each other  

 We are Russian dolls  

 Where somewhere in the center
sits a beating heart 

 But come on, come on 

 We are not swans  

Where's Michelle?

What, did you
change your mind?

No, but I have something
I need to do right now.

And I love Michelle.

You love my niece?

She's on the beach.


You take good care of her,

because I can still break
every bone in your body.

And we're opening
an L.A. office.


 Now do you feel
we've gone too far? 

 Or do you fear
we reached the top? 

 Or do you feel
like letting go? 

 Well, come on, hold on 

 We are not swans 

 Nor are we as ugly... 

Hey, Michelle!


What, you can't
say good-bye?
Ow! Ah!

I thought you liked me.

I do!

In fact, I--

I think I love you.

Okay, then.

 We have got each other,
I'd say that's enough 

 So come on, come on 

 Come on 

 Mm, mm 

 Oh, oh 

 Ooh, you said you don't 

 Put out your heart
just for me 

 Yeah, you did, you know 

 Remember? Oh, yeah 

 Finding out
what could have been 

 Is it just for free? 

 When suddenly,
it's in front of me 

 It's all I need, you see 

 I can't believe my eyes 

 Oh, my Lord 

 I can't believe 

 I can't believe my eyes 


 Oh, oh 

 Mm, mm 

 Ooh, you know 

 I've never been
like this girl before 

Rick, this is Carl.

I just wanted
to leave you a message.

Your phone's
not working, for one.

And second...

these questions were harder
than I thought they would be.

But I saved you a seat
in case you arrive late.

I mean, I don't know
if that does you any good,

but uh...I just
want to tell you

what a good friend
you've been, Rick.

I'm gonna call you back.

 I can't believe my eyes 


 I can't believe my eyes 

 Oh, oh, oh, it's true 

 Yeah, it's true 

 Yeah, you did
what you do to me 

 Yeah, you do 


 I can't believe my eyes 

 Oh, woman,
I can't believe 

 I can't believe my eyes 

 No, no, no 

 I can't believe my eyes 


 I can't believe my eyes 


 Mm, mm 

 Oh, oh 

 Ooh, you said you don't 

 Put out your heart
just for me 

 Yeah, you did, you know 

 Remember? Oh, yeah 

Special thanks to SergeiK.