Penelope Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Penelope script is here for all you fans of the Christina Ricci movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Penelope quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Penelope Script

My parents were born
into the good life.

Old money, blue blooded,
society sweethearts

- Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?
- We'll be happy with whatever we have.

Having played host to kings and queens
and other powers that be,

they were used to gracing
the pages of the society columns

So they welcomed
the attention...

On what they supposed would be
the happiest day of their lives.

Hang in there.
Hold on honey, you can do it.

Oh, my God!
I want to be sick! Oh, my God!

But local legend had it

that a curse was put
on the Willhern family

When my great, great,
great grandfather Ralph...

had a fling with a lowly
servant girl... Clara.

Who was soon eating
for two.

When he told his family of his plans
to marry Clara

He realised how sillly
he'd been

Clara was after all
just a servant girl...

... and prone to rashes.

Sir Ralph married someone
more suitable.

And Clara...
fell off a cliff.

That night Clara's mother -
the town witch -

showed up on the
Wilhern lawn

determined to give these blue bloods
a taste of their own medicine.

She scattered about animal guts

and commanded that the next Wilhern
daughter be born with the face of a pig.

And only when one
of your own

kind claims this daughter as their own
'till death do they part'

will the curse be broken.

Time passed,

and as luck would have it

the next five Wilhern brides

gave birth to all sons...

who fathered all sons...
who fathered all sons

... who fathered all sons.

Finally, born to Ella and Leonard
Hugh Wilhern... a daughter.

A century of worry
for nothing.

Of course, what they didn't know

then was that Ella hadrt actually
given birth to a Wilhern.

She had given birth to... a Jones.

Which means that the first born
Wilhern girl...

... was me.

Dear, sweet Penelope

I'd given up all hope

of ever finding a woman
who truly understands me.

I had given up all hope that is...
until I met you.

I knew it.
He's the one.

He just might be.

You see... you, I felt imprisoned
most of my life.

Really? ...By what?

Your good looks
and your good name?

Yes, exactly.

- No one ever seems able to see past that.
- No one.

And Penelope.

Dear, sweet Penelope...

curse or no curse,

if I am more
than my name and my face...

well, then, surely you are
more than yours?

Let me in.

Penelope, let me in.




Help me! Help me!

She's a pig!

She's a killer pig!

Help me!
Somebody help!

Why, Penelope?

I'm not the one who ran mother.

Well, of course they run dear when you
spring yourself at them like that.

Do you think I showed your father
my mole on our third date?

No dear, no. I had the good sense to wait
until after we were married.

I didn't show him my mole, mother.
I showed him my face.


Oh, sweetheart.

He really liked you.

No, Mum, he really didn't.

He didn't like your nose, that's what he
didn't like. You're not your nose.

But, it... it is my nose.

No! lt's your great, great,
great grandfathers nose.

On your father's side.
He did this to you... to us.

But you are not your nose.
You are not you.

You're, you're, you're...

somebody else inside just
waiting to come out.

I had been reminded
over the years

that I was not the
only victim of the curse.

For starters along with my birth came
the knowledge of Aunt Ella's affair.

Damn you, Ella!

Even so no one suffered more
than my mother.

- These things happen all the time.
- To who?

Did you know some children
are born with gills?

Gills, sweetheart,
like on a fish.

- So, can you cut it off?
- Strangest thing.

But the carotid artery appears to run
directly through the nose.

Or 'snout', as the case may be.

Making any attempt at removal

The, caro... caro... what's that?

What's he saying, Franklin?
What, what's he saying?

She would die, sweetheart.
He is saying she would die.

I'm sorry.
The snout stays.


Oh... that's not true.

My mother meant well
She always meant well

And always did what she thought
best to protect me.

First, from reporters.

What are you?

Ow, my eye!

But with the public demanding to see the
face that had caused so much trouble.

My mother did what any
loving mother would do.

She faked my death.

Earth to earth
ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.

And had me cremated.

So with the public left to mourn
with my tragic passing.

And with me safely hidden away
from the outside world.

Now she need only worry about
protecting me from my father.

Who was having trouble adapting
to the new morning menu.

Why can't I have

Because you love

Doesrt Daddy love oatmeal?

No, I love bacon.

And from the insensitivity
of the new butler Jake.

And this little piggy
stayed at home.

And this little piggy
had roast beef...

Jake! Oh, Jake. Stop it.
Oh, the poor baby.

And occasionally she had to protect me,
even from myself.

So I did most of
my playing in my room...

Where I made my own friends.

And learnt to entertain myself.

While my mother spent her every
waking hour preparing me.

Preparing me to be a suitable bride

for the man who
would break the curse.

Quelle heure I'est-il?

Then upon my eighteenth birthday
she hired Wanda

whose dating agency

catered to the best and the
brightest blue bloods.

In hopes of finding one.
One of my own kind

Who would break the curse
by accepting me as I am.


And upon their depature, they were
invited back to the house.

Where they were legally
gagged into secrecy.

And so it went.

And it was just
a matter of time...

before my mother recognised the need
for certain adjustments.

Shatterproof glass...

And sneakers for Jake.

So you see today...

She's a pig!

... was much like any other.

- I couldn't catch him.
- Aah! I knew it.

I always said we should
make them sign the gag

before they see her.
Not after.

Don't worry.
We'll catch him.

We'd better.

A snout?

And fangs.

Look, I know what I saw, alright?
Now, are you going to arrest her or not?

On what grounds?
Ugly blind date?

lf being ugly were a crime, I'd have to
arrest half the people in this city.

I know what you're thinking.
The Wilherns, nice family right?

That's what I thought. And when
Penelope mentioned the curse

I thought that was just a
figure of speech, yeah.

It's not a figure of speech.
And they're not nice.

I'm telling you if I hadrt of got out
of there when I did that...

monster it would have
eaten me alive.

That's it.
Put him in holding over night.

Come on, mate.

What me?
No, you don't understand

I've come in to report her.

- Hey, wasrt that a Vanderman?
- Yeah, Edward.

That might be him...

Okay, you know what? Edward should have
been home by now, don't you think?

Hello, anybody? Will somebody
call my mother?

Rise and shine.

Up, up, up, up, up.

Come on, dear.
We're moving.



- Up, up, up, up, up.
- What?

We're moving?

Where is Larry Bonsa?


Poor Edward.
I had no idea.

No, not that.

Hallucinations of a hideous pig
pig faced girl.

You do know who they're talking about?

Oh, I don't know. Could be any
number of women in this city.

I'm next in line for
chairman of the board.

Do you have any idea what a story
like this will do to me?

What my father is going to do to me?

Well, that's not really my problem.

Okay, I'm not a delusional maniac...
am I?

No. So, either you
print a retraction

or so help me god I am going
to rip your guts out.


It'll be twenty five years
ago all over again.

Reporters popping out of draws.
Penelope will be exposed.

And then... what chance do we have?

- We could move to the beach.
- The beach is good.

- Or France?
- You could practise your French.

I could practice my French.


Bonjour. Je suis Penelope.

Never mind. I over reacted.
Wanda. Wanda!

I demand a retraction.
You have ruined my life!

I'm telling you she was
a pig. A pig!

I'm telling you she had a piggy snout
on her face and I'm not mad.

Why will no one
believe me?

Wait, wait, hold, hold on there, Victor.

I believe that man is with me.

Huh? I am?

- Okay, well first there's Hubert Strauss.
- Good. Who else?

- Beaux...
- Great.

- Jack...
- Fine.

...the Ripper?
- Super, who else?

You know what? Why don't I just say,
'Here's twelve men. Trust me'.

Terrific. Let's talk about the dowry.
I think we should double it.

If they can't stand me now what makes
you think they'll be able to for double?

- Oh, now, now with that attitude...
- Oh yeah, it's my attitude, mother.

This guy's got a lot of potential.

I know he's going to look at her.

What do you think of this guy?
Do you like him?

Oh, sweetheart.

I know, I know. It's not my face.

it's my great, great, great
grandfathers face

and he's not me, and I'm not him
and I'm not me.

And don't you forget it.

I gave my right eye
for that story.

And I got back squat.

And that hideous woman
still gives me nightmares.

I thought you never saw her?

Hmm. No, not Penelope. Her mother.
I only caught a glimpse of the baby.

I thought my head
was playing tricks on me.

Well, thank God someone
believes me anyway.

Unfortunately, my believing you isn't
going to do either one of us any good.

We're going to need some proof
to clear both our names.

You think you can get back in there?

Oh, I don't... I don't know.

I mean, if...


- Are you sure? I just need one photo.
- I'm not going back in there.

Alright. Okay.

We're just going to have
find somebody who can.

Hook them up with the
agency that sent you.

No, they only see old money, blue blood
types, it's part of the whole curse thing.

We're not going to find any blue bloods
to help us, they don't need the money.

No, but down and out
blue bloods do.



Read 'em and weep,

Ah. crap!

You got a Maxwell Campion
playing here tonight?

That's him there.
Poker table number five.

Hey, pal, wait up.

Do I know you?

No, but I know you.
Did a little research.

And it seems in a few short years
you've managed to gamble away

the fortune your family spent
generations building.

Hey, hear me out.
I'll make it won'th your while.

You got the wrong guy.

Five thousand bucks won'th your while?

We'll need your signature
on the last page.

Just your standard gag.
You don't talk, we don't talk.

Just how ugly is this girl?

I believe the young lady is waiting.

Wow, this guy is
wasting my time.

Oh, he's here.

- Hey, man, look, I'm sorry that I'm late.
- Alright, yeah. Take off the jacket.



Alright, now... hey you with me?

Alright, the camera is in the lapel.
The rigging is in the sleeve. Put it on.

Come on, it looks great on you.

Now to take a picture
you just raise either arm.

Not now.

Alright. Look, I'm sorry, man.

Yeah, I know you are.
Did you have to gamble all night?

Yeah, I still had chips.
I'm good?

Yeah. Let's... come on, let's go.

Don't worry,
I'll get that.

And you are?

I'm Max Campion
and the agency sent me.

- Oh, right. Campion.
- There you go... shit.

Excuse me?

God Damn!

Alright, dear, we've done as you asked.
They're all in the annexe.

All of them?
All of them.

But why you wouldn't rather talk to them
one at a time is beyond me.

I told you mother this way it will be easier
to weed out the unlikelys.

Hello, I'm Penelope.
And you must be?

Late for tea?


They're out, they're, they're running...
They've all seen her.

Where's Max?

Edward, do you see Max?

I don't see Max. He's not there.
There's no Max.

- How could you?
- Just speeding things up.

Oh, and now you're just going to
make a pig of yourself?

- No, that's already been done for me.
- Stop it.

That was the last of the ho-hos.

Where's your credit card?
I'm going to the store.

No, no, no don't you... hey!

lf you want more ho-ho's
I'll send Jake for some.

I'm old enough
to get my own.

Pick me up some cigarettes.

just one man, one man.

And he'll run too. They always run
why can't you accept that?

For seven years I've been
watching them run.

Do you have any idea how that
makes me feel? Do you?

I'm sorry,
but we just can't quit.

Yes we can because...

no matter how much
I want to believe

there's one man who
won't run away

one man who...

Sweet loving angel of all
things merciful.

Did he see?

He must have.
He was there.

- Who is he?
- Who cares? Just go!

- Yes, go.
- No, I can't...

- Go!
- Go!

Damn it.

You're still here?

Did you see?

You didn't see?
I didn't?

Did you?
Did I what?

Don't mess with me.
What? I'm messing with you?

Why are you still here?

Fine then,
why are you here?

Look I'm sorry. Should I go?

Are you a fan of George Rockham?


The book you've got in your jacket.

Oh, alright. You caught that, huh?

Well... yeah.
Yeah, it's a great book.

So you've read it?

Well, yeah.

Funny I thought that was the only
surviving copy.

You know what? I meant to read it, but
the library was always out

I saw it was a first edition
and I figured it might be won'th something.

So you were stealing it?

Well... Yeah. I was stealing it.

So, you're a fan of the money?

I'm a big fan of the money.
Although, it doesn't much care for me.

Well, maybe you and the money
werert meant to be.

Hey, I wouldn't go that far.
Jinx me.

There are 326 first editions
in that room.

Of those, 300 are won'th
over 50,000.

A dozen or so are won'th
over 25,000.

And I'm afraid there's only one
that's valued under a hundred.

Only one, huh?

A little novel, written by a little
nobody, that never amounted to anything.

You don't say. Under a hundred?

I'm afraid so. And...
I'm afraid that it's time for...

- But it's your favourite just the same?
- What?

I said,
'your favourite just the same'.

I heard you.

Top shelf,
third from the left,

'Moby Dick'.
It's a first edition.

But wait till I'm gone
or they'll see you.

See me?




Got ya!




Will you be back tomorrow?

I knew it.
I knew you were there.


- He'll be back.
- He will.

- So?
- I didn't get it.

How could you not get it,
half the men in this city...

I'm coming back tomorrow.

Ow! Door.

You better.

See you tomorrow.


Sweetheart? What's wrong?

I thought he just knew,
but it says it right here.

Still he chose it.

Of the 2,000 that aren't
your favourite,

he chose the one that is.

Alright. Alright.

Do you play?

I wish you'd stop
doing that.

- Do you play?
- The frog?

No, no although I always meant
to pick it up.

But you do play something.

- What makes you say that?
- What do you play?


Is this really necessary?

She's finding
his instrument.

Isn't that something a man
should do for himself?

And a one, and a two, and a one.

You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine

You make me happy
when skies are grey.

You'll never know, dear
dear how much I love you.

Are you even playing that?

So please don't take
my sunshine away.

- Okay, it's not the bass.
- No? No?

- Try the drums.
- Alright.

The drums, you play drums.


So please don't take...
my sunshine away.

Okay, okay, no, no, no.
No more drums.

Not the drums, it's not the drums...


Saxophone, saxophone!

You want sax?

One... two... one, two.

Enough, stop. Stop, stop!

- Enough.
- No? No, alright.

Play the guitar.
The guitar.

It's got to be the guitar.

I don't think that's how
you play the guitar.

Okay, stop, stop. stop!
Please stop, stop.

Oh, my.
That was, that was terrible.

Hey everybody, everybody wave.

Everybody wave to Penelope
and take a bow, alright? And bow.

I know, I know you guys
you were fantastic

though come here.
Thank you so much for everything.

Wait, wait
I'm not done guessing.

Come on, enough about me.
What do you play?

You want to be a hortomaculturalwhat?

A horticulturalist.
You know? Someone who works with plants.


Why is that funny?

No plants are great. I just thought
of you as like... like a cop.

You know seeing as you've got
the whole interrogation thing down.

Shut up, it's your move.


- Oh, you really don't want to do that.
- Why not?

- Because I'll kill her.
- What if I asked you not to?

I'd still kill her.
You'd sort of be begging me to.

So, beer.
You've never had a beer?

I've had a beer.

- On tap?
- No, not on tap.

Well, then you've never had a beer.

- Your knight can't do that.
- My knight?

- The horse.
- Alright.

Hey, how about you and me heading down
to the Cloverdilly pub right now?

Pub Cloverdilly?

Best beer, best blues, some
of the best beer bums in town.

Thanks, maybe later.

Penelope, come on.

Come on, you've got to
get out of there sometime.


What are you waiting for?

You know, truth is, you're...
you're not missing much.

The Cloverdilly pub sounds fun.

Yeah, but... aside from that.

And the street fairs? I hear they sell
really cool stuff right on the street.

You know, the vendors themselves
are pretty cool too.

- Oh, and the park?
- The park is great.

I used to spend
every weekend there

just hanging on a bench
writing stupid love songs...

- People watching.
- Used to? You don't do that anymore?

What are you doing instead?

- Well, beating you at chess.
- I warned you I'd kill her.

That's great because as soon as my guys
here have seen what you've done...

The game will be over,
your queen will be dead.

My king's still pretty active, you know?

Once the queers dead
the kings useless.

- What's that about?
- I don't know?

Maybe he's too depressed to fight.
He really loved her you know?

Yeah, I can see that.

My queen to yours,

You got me.

what is this guy doing?

Wasting all my film.

He's doing it on purpose.
He's going for the dowry.

I wish I could find a girl
with a dowry.

Give me a break.

Why else would it be taking you so long?
She revealed herself to me straight away.

You know what?
I guess she liked you more.

Why settle for five thousand when
you could get ten times that, right?

Well, maybe you're forgetting -
I've seen her. She is grotesque.

Shut him up.

I'm talking un-kissable
ugly. Nightmare ugly.

Listen you little worm. I know your
kind spoiled rotten mama's boy...

God! He licked me.

- Edward.
- What?

Don't lick Max.


Listen you can't blame us
for being a little suspicious.

- Fine, find someone else.
- Fine, give us back the money.

It's starting. It's starting!
Would you come on!

Okay, I've got it. Piano.

You play the piano.
I bet my life on it.

Alright, keep in mind;
'never bet a better'.

Does he have another jacket?

And a one, and a two and a one...

You are my sunshine...

My only sunshine...

You make me happy
No, it's B flat.

B flat on the right hand.

No, right hand!

You see, the left hand stays, and
the right hand plays the chord.

- You see?
- Yeah, yeah. It's better.

- Shit!
- I'm a monster.

No, no your not,

Stay with Max.

Darling, do not...
Please, do not...

I told you! I told you!

No, you ran.
It was you this time.

- He said 'shit'
- Big shit.

He said 'shit'
to me twice.

And then he just stood there
staring at me.

No one's ever just stood
there before.

If you give the poor boy a chance to
adjust. I mean, put yourself in...

What are you doing?
I told you to stay with him.

You did?
I didn't hear you.

When you said,
'stay with Max'...

I meant
stay with Max.

You never said,
'Wanda, stay with him'.

- I told you!
- I'm sorry I didn't hear you.


Don't worry, dear.
He couldn't have gone far

- Did you get it?
- Yeah. Yeah, I got it.

Hey, I needed that photo.

She's not what Edward said she was.
You just leave her alone.


- Who is that?
- Lock the gate!

No, don't, don't shut the gate!

I got him, I got him.

Penelope, there's something
I have to tell you.

- No, he's a spy.
- No... yes.

Yes, he's a spy.
He's working for Lemon,

The reporter who forced me
to bury you.

- You said I was cremated.
- That too.

I hope you were well paid, because
you just said goodbye to a fortune.

He's still one of your own kind.

He could still break the curse.

Max. I know this face
repulses you...

And I... and I wouldn't dream of
asking you to accept it.

But this isn't me.

The real me is inside here
somewhere just waiting to get out.

And you can
make that happen.

Once the curse is broken
I'll be just like anybody else.

What if you're not?
What if the curse isn't broken.

What if... what if the curse can
never be broken?

Then I'll kill myself. I promise.
I promise I will.

Marry me, Max.

Marry me.

I can't.

Get out!

- I'm...
- Get out!

- Get out!
- Out!

Right out!

this is what we're going to do...

I felt the rush
of a thousand heart breaks.

This is nothing we haven't been
through before.

we can do it again.

I will never give up, sweetheart.

Never, Penelope!

And I knew with all my heart
she meant it.

We have both always
known there was no guarantee.

We have not both always known
that there was no guarantee.

We have spent
so much time preparing her

for the day things
would be different,

we've never prepared her
for the day that they're not.

Maybe we should stop all
this match making and...

give her a puppy. Hmm?

Penelope is that you?

Yes, mother. I'm just going
to make some cocoa.

A puppy.

- Okay.
- What can I say?

I'm sorry you got stuck with me.
I'm sorry I dragged you down with me.

I know I'm the bad blood.
I am the Wilhern. I know that.

The curse is on me.
I am the curse.

Me, . It's me, it's me I, me, me, me.

Honey. Honey! I think your father
could use some cocoa too.

Okay mother.

Actually I might have
a cup too.


She's escaped.

- Let's go.
- God, she's going to be coming after me.

- Edward, you've got to control yourself.
- Quick!

- What are you doing?
- We need help.

Yes, I'd like to report
my daughter missing.

Are you out of your mind?
What if they find her?

For crying out loud Jessica!

Okay, you know what? I can't hold it
any longer. Come with me.

I have to pee and I can't leave
you alone with the phones.

You know dear,
there was a time...

when I might have jumped at such
an invitation, but right now I can't.

- Hello
- Mum?

Hold the line, please.
- Mum?

Collect call from Penelope...
- Yes, we'll accept

- Mum?
Go ahead with your call, please.


Penelope, what the hell
were you thinking?

- Did anyone see you yet?
No... Mum, no

Good, good. Where are you?
We'll come and get you.

I'm just calling to say that
I love you, and... goodbye.

Penelope don't...

At least we know
she's alright.

- Don't you have to pee or something?
- No, dear, that was you.

I can check you in over here.


can I have a room, please?

Shouldrt be a problem.
Room 8 is available.

- Thank you.
- You don't want the room?

No, I, I want the room.

Then would you mind coming
back here so I can check you in?

Thank you.
And how will you be paying for your room?

Thank you, Jessica

Okay, that's it for me, folks.
New dealer coming in.

Erm, nostrils are bigger.
More... more piggy.

Hey, hey. Guys, guys, come on.
We've got to wrap this up.

I've got a deadline here.
We've got to go to print.

- Crosser, crosser...
- Freakir Mona Lisa come on...

- Your morning paper, madam.
- Oh, thanks, Jake.

Holy magda! Aaaah!

- Damn it, Edward!
- Dad, they all think I'm crazy.

And this helps you?

You told me...
I thought this would prove...

Try to remember I'm your son.

That's exactly what
I'm trying to forget.

Thank you, ma'am.

So, how's everybody doing this fine day?

I thought you
went home.

I did. Slept for eight blissful hours,
fixed the kids breakfast,

kissed the wife goodbye, and, according
to the button, it's your blind.

You want to take your blind?

Are you in or out?

Hey, he's still
got chips. He's in.

Just give him some time.
He's in. He'll come around.

Yeah, I'll take another.
Make it a large one.

Hey, he's still got chips.
He's in

For starters, I'm going to need
a recent photograph.

- No photographs.
- None whatsoever?

No. The er... fire got them.

a detailed description.

Brown hair.

Brown eyes.

A unique... ly pleasant

Think pig.

- So she's a fat girl?
- Not exactly.

Not in front of company.

Don't be silly.
He knows I didn't mean it.

That's not true, madam.

I may not have said anything,
but I was filing it away.

So she's not exactly fat?

Does any of this really matter?
Just go find her!

Our daughter's out there somewhere,
lost and afraid

You haven't given me anything to go on.

No photographs, no friends,
no job, no hangouts...

It's something like this,
but minus the fangs.

- Franklin!
- Do you want to find her or not?

Minus the fangs.

They're certainly eye-grabbing.

Jake, purse.

OK, you know what? Never mind.
How much do we owe you?

Where's my...?

Who took my wallet?!

lt's our daughter. Please help us.
Please, I'm begging you.

What he's trying to say is,
give us the key now!

I'm sorry, but...

The room is registered
in my name with my...

Who's the guest? Me.
That makes me the guest.

You two go on ahead.
Not real big on the fang thing.

Well, at least we know
she's not starving.

No, not... not just... not just any pig.

You need to stop talking now.


Yeah, that's right...

- Penelope?
- Who is this?

That was Penelope on the...

Sell her own picture?

Er... then why did you hang up?

Edward, what's... what's wrong with you?
Did you ever...?

How did you know it was me?

Just a lucky guess. You have
something you want to sell us?

That's right.

May I ask
why you are doing this?

What do you care?
You're getting a freak.

Hey, nobody said anything
about a freak.

- Listen, do you want it or not?
- Sure. Yes.

Yes. Yes, I do. Thank you.

- Look, Grandma, a pig!
- How nice.


There are no fangs.

Well, she must just suck them back
Edward, you know, I've been thinking.

I know and you know.
Maybe that's enough.

Lemon, half the people in this
city think I'm crazy.

I've got to prove to them
that I'm not.

I'm sorry.
I've got to do it.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you
the pig-faced girl.

You see? I'm not crazy.

Am I crazy? You, am I crazy?
I'm not crazy.

You werert kidding!

Can I get you something?

Can I have a beer on tap,

Sure. You can have this one.

Coming right up.

- You're supposed to catch it.
- Oh, sorry.

Are you ready now?

- There you go.
- Thank you.

Is there a problem?

- Do you have any straws?
- Sure.

There you go.

That's half of what you gave me.

You'll get the rest back
when I'm ready.

- Let's just call it even.
- No, let's not.

She's not some
freaking pay day.

She sold me the photo herself.

Yeah. Apparently, she's...
out there on her own,

declaring her independence.

- Hey there, Jack.
- Annie!

Lucky you, last
delivery of the day.

How are you doing?

Are you sure you really want to know,
or are you just asking?

- I'm just asking.
- So I'm driving my Vespa,

and this guy comes out of nowhere
and hits me. I go flying.

I'm in the street and he's stands over
me and he's, like,

'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't see.

How can he not see me, you know?
I'm on a Vespa with wings.

I mean, right, you can see me.
You can see me, right?


See? She can see me.

You ought to sic Billy on him.

Yeah, it's a little too late.
You've got to sign here.

- Billy moved back to the burbs.
- Yeah? Sorry to hear it.

Yeah. We had no business being together.
He was a picket fence kind of guy.

And, like, what guy looks at me
and thinks picket fence.

Unless he's crazy, and I'm done
dating crazy, you know? Done.

Unless it's meant to be.

Yeah. Right.

- Right?
- Right.

I can't hear you with that
thing on your face.

The usual.
On the house.

Thanks, Jack.
You're the best.


So, what? Are you hiding from the law,
or is that a bad nose job?

Mm-hm. Bad nose job.

Do you mind me asking how much that
might cost somebody, like a nose job?

- Oh, nothing.
- Free?

I was just thinking maybe... getting a
little work done myself.

A nose job?

Yeah, kind of, but for like
for my ears, you know?

They just, stick out up here a little on
the top. I mean, I'm no Penelope, but...

No, you have beautiful ears.
Beautiful. They're beautiful.

- What, are you drunk?
- I'm drunk.

Hey, Jack, how about another round
for my pal, Scarfy, here?

Coming up.

What's a Vespa?

What's a V...? You've never
ridden on a Vespa?

- Hey, Sam, long time no see.
- Wow, look who's back.

Look... have you seen the guys around?

They're touring, opening for some
band who's supposed to be good.

- No kidding? That's... that's great.
- What brings you back here?

Oh, you know...
Iooking around.

Actually, I thought it was maybe time
I started playing again.

Yeah? Well, good luck with that, eh?

Look, come on, Sam,
I wouldn't even ask if...

You are joking, ain't you?
After all your no-shows?

I only look stupid.

Look, I messed up.
know, and I'm sorry.

Let's just say I didn't appreciate
a good thing when I had it.

- Oh, and now you do?
- Now I do.

Still got your scarf on.

All right, hop on.

All right, I gotta go down the street.

Oi! Mozart!

Yeah. Listen, I'm sorry.
It won't happen again.

Don't muck about.

You can take your whole face off.
My brother once was like,

he was just riding his bicycle,
and he hit this, like, parked car,

and he was so freaked out about
seeing his teeth in the hood,

and, like, his whole face was bleeding

then he got back on the bicycle
and he went to the movies...

Helleborus orientalis.

They're amazing.
They bloom even in the winter.

Oh, that's cool.

They just pop up without
any help from anyone.

That's like my ex-boyfriend,
if you know what I mean.

You know what I mean, right?


You don't get out much, do you?

We should talk.

- Another postcard.
- I don't care.

- What's it say?
Went ice skating.

Stop. I don't care.

- Circus.
- It's been months.


How could she be doing all these
things without being seen?

She can't! That's how.

Oh, honey, what are we going to do?

That's her scarf! Look.

No, she went that...

This is really good.

Oh, great. You're here.
It's your turn to buy.

All right, I lied.
I'll buy.

Oh, my God!

Somebody pull this scarf off her.
She can't breathe.

They're not running.

Ah! No! Penelope, no!
No, no, no, dear! Turn away!

She's coming out!

There she is!

Penelope, this way!
This way, Penelope!

Is it true you were
chained up in the basement?

Don't encourage them.

Penelope, do you have
any other pig parts?

With such a large nose, do you smell
better than the rest of us?

I don't know. You tell me.

Mom, can I borrow some money?
I'm running low.

Absolutely not.
You get in that car.

Mom, they want to know if you
chained me up in the basement.

Like, after three weeks, I was like,
I knew something was up.

Nose jobs only take
so long, you know.

No, of course not.

- Bye, darling.
- Bye.

Let it go, dear.

Penelope, is there anything
you'd like to say to the public?

Er... hi.

Mr Vanderman!

Is it true you attempted to file
assault charges against Penelope?

I've obtained
the police report.

No comment, please.
Ladies and gentlemen.

It's OK.
I can handle it.

That woman, that thing,
belongs in a cage.

- What a creep.
- Excuse me.

Have you lost your mind?

You saw her.
She's a complete monster.

The public loves this girl.

- They don't know her like I do.
- We're a publicly traded company.

We love what the public loves.
Get it?

So, what are you saying?

I'm saying you've got
to fix this.

I don't know what you
expect me to do.

Just fix it!

Come on, Penelope,
you're on my team!

OK, but I'm not very good.

Come on, come on, come on.

I told you
I wasrt very good.

- Hi.
- Hi.

You really did it, huh?

I mean, er... you look great,
you know, really happy.


Yeah. You know, you inspired me.

Doing what you did, going off
on your own like that.

- I er... l'm not...
- I have to go.

Yeah, sure. I just...

Oh, darling, I am so glad
I found you!

You must come home right now!

I have the most
wonderful surprise.

OK, Mom, but I really
should get back.

Penelope. What is this?

Listen, I'm sorry I ran
from my feelings.

Oh, is that what you were running from?

I was certain you were
running from me.

Only my feelings
for you.

- Is this a joke?
- Penelope, don't make the boy beg.

Look at that face.
He can break the curse.

But things are different now,
Mother. I...

She's overwhelmed.

Why? Because you're splattered
all over the newspapers?

No, because I have friends.

Those aren't friends, dear.
Those are fans.

'Did you hear?
The pig speaks ten languages.'

'Oh, look,
the pig can play the piano.'

You're just a talking pig to
those people. A talking pig.

Edward wants to marry you.

Are you prepared to walk away from
your one and only chance?

Our one and only chance
at a normal life?

Will you marry me, Penelope?

Hey, Lemon.

I thought you might be able to help me
with this Max Campion story I'm doing.

Well, what's the story?

I'm doing this kind of riches to rags
to armed robbery story.

Armed robbery?
Come on? Max Campion?

Yeah. I just got the call.
He's already confessed.


Pick it up.

You the lawyer
my mother sent?

There's been a mistake.
I'm here to see Max Campion.

Yeah, hey, I'm Max Campion.

- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.

No, Max Campion.

I am not deaf. I can hear you.
I am Max Campion.

But you're...

What about the guy
you play poker with?

Shaggy hair,
er... medium build.

Doesrt know when to quit.

Ah! Er... is Johnny Martin.
- Johnny Martin?

Johnny Martin.
Poor loser.

Get that down, Martin, in the
pirate pad there

Do you have...? Hey, don't!

Oh, that was so wonderful.
Was it not wonderful?

Yes, wonderful.

We have to do this again.

Now that we're
nearly family,

I think this is just the beginning.

- Yes. I'll fetch the limo.
- Good, good, good.

Can I have my coat,

Oh, Franklin, we used to go out to the
theatre all the time. Why did we stop?

I guess because we had an ugly daughter.

It's true, Jessica.
We gave up everything

because we had an ugly daughter.

- Let me help you with that, sir.
- Thank you.

- It's just over there.
- OK, we're going.

- But my coat!
- Fine, we'll get you another one.

Edward, what are you doing?
Where are we going?

- Max.
- Hello, Penelope.

We were just leaving.

- Hey, how are things, Edward?
- Keep walking.

I understand it got a bit grotesque
there for a while,

even puke ugly.

- But... You two know each other?
- As a matter of fact, we do.

Yale, wasrt it?

No, I believe it was a Bedford,
a Bedford van to be...

Havert you hurt her enough?

- Bathroom. Now.
- Edward, I...

- Why don't you let Edward handle this?
- But, Mother...

You make me sick!

Why? I'm giving her exactly
what she wants.

And I don't see anybody else
lining up to do that.

Oh, unless... unless you are.
Are you lining up?

- That's not the point.
- Yeah, it is. Yes, it is the point!

Look, if you want to go out there

and tell her that the only man willing
to stand up and say, 'I do,'

still gags at the thought of kissing her,
then be my guest,

but it's not me
you'll be hurting.

It's her, isn't it?

Johnny Martin.

- Son of a plumber, huh?
- It sure took you long enough.

Boy, you sure fooled me.

So, it looks like you were
doing her a favour after all.

- You seen this?
- Hmm. Cute couple.

Yeah. Penelope and the beast.

Hey, they're both getting
what they want, right?

I know what he's getting.
What's she getting?

Well, she's getting the day
she's waited for all her life,

breaking the curse.

Oh, you don't actually believe that,
do you?

Well, don't you?

What the hell have you been
chasing all these years?

I don't know. A wounded ego
and a missing eye, I guess.

Come on, a curse?

Yeah. Who knows? You know, you spend
enough time around a poker table,

you believe in all sorts of things.

Hey, it's not too late
to stop Edward.

That's what she wants.

Wait. If getting married is all it takes
to break the 'ooh, the curse,'...

why not you?

- You're forgetting, man. I'm not Max.
- So?

'One of their own kind'.

Hey! Over here!
I saved you a seat! lt's clean.

Hey, Annie, look at you.

Weddings are great, aren't they?

Yeah. When they're
somebody else's.

I need a word.

Excuse me.

What's the matter? Is there a problem?

And Edward seems
really nice.

Mom, I think I'm going to throw up.

Just remember,
in a few minutes from now,

the curse will be broken.

There is no curse. The only one
cursed here is me.

- For starters...
- Losing your eye was your own damn fault.

- Now what?
- I just wanted to apologise.

Apology not accepted.

I have a wedding to go to!

Meet Johnny Martin.

I told you not to rush
the process.

This doesn't change a thing.

How can you say that?
Not only was Edward part of...

As you yourself once said,
he's still one of our own kind.

OK, fine. What about Max, or Johnny
or whatever his name is?

What about him?

Don't you think Penelope's
entitled to know?

That he lied about everything?

That he doesn't have the
power to break the curse.

Why on earth would
she need to know that?

Don't you see? Maybe that's
the only reason he said no.

I don't know that. You don't know that.
But if that's true,

God bless him,
he did the right thing.

- Damn it, Jessica, I can't just...
- Leave it alone.

Not that I'm not happy for her.
I'm really happy for her.

You're happy for her, right?

- lf she's happy, I'm happy.
- Right.

- Mom, I feel stupid.
- Oh, you don't look stupid.

You look...

You don't look stupid.

Do you, Edward Vanderman
take Penelope Wilher

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

To have and to hold,

for better or for worse
for richer or for poorer

in sickness and in health.

To love and to cherish
from this day forward

until death do you part?

I do.

And do you, Penelope Wilhern,

take Edward Humphrey
Vanderman III

to be your lawfully wedded husband,

to have and to hold,
for better or for worse

for richer or for poorer,
in sickness and in health,

to love and to cherish
from this day forward

until death do you part?

Nobody move!
She's fine!

Penelope, wait!
Penelope! Stop!

Look at me.

I am.
What is it, dear?

No, look at me.

I am! What?
I don't understand! What do you mean?

You... I'm sorry.

Penelope, it's not too late.

Go away, Mother!

Honey, just think about
what you're doing.

This is the moment
we have worked so hard for.

I said go away!

Sweetheart, please! Please!

We are one yes away
from a whole new life.

A whole new you!

But I don't want a whole new me,

Sweetheart, please! Please!

I like myself the way I am.

It's not going to grow back.

- What makes you think I...
- I miss it too.

And then I remembe
you're still you.

Oh, Penelope...

'One of your own kind.'
I just assumed...

No, we all did, Mother.

No, dear.
No. Don't you see?

I could have broken
the curse years ago

if I'd just done my job
as your mother,

and loved you as my own.

You didn't know.
You didn't know.

Oh, look.

You know, darling, with the
carotid artery out of the way,

I think a little turn up might,
right there, be sweet. Look at that.

You're crazy.

Oh, it's wrong for a young woman
to want to look her best?

That's not a bad thing...

I'm being her mother.

That's what mothers do
with daughters!

They talk about how
to look prettier.

Still, I felt sad
for my mother that day...

Why are you turning it around?
Oh, now I'm the bad guy!

... having to cope with so many
changes all at once.

It all went back to shit!

I was packing to go,

and after 25 years
with the family...

Jake, where are you going?
Jake, I'm talking to you. Jake?

And why do you have that bag?
Jake! Don't be rude!

You turn around when
I'm talking to you, please.

I happen to be...

There, there, now. There, there.

But I had my own changes
to cope with,

and, while I missed the face

that had caused
so much trouble...

... the world had
moved on.

... and I was determined
to find my own way,

and determined to always
follow my heart...

Look! My daffodil bloomed!

And I found
Helleborus orientalis!

... and my conscience.

Dear Edward, that first
day in the library,

you said that you too have felt
imprisoned most of your life.

Looking back, I now believe you
were speaking from your heart.

I fear I did you a terrible
disservice that day

I knew you would run
I wanted you to,

but perhaps if I had taken
the time to really listen to you,

maybe we could have helped
each other find our way.

I'm sorry. I hope this lette
and this ring finds you well.

Edward? Edward? Your father wants
to know what you're doing in there.

And then came Halloween.

Okay, everybody. We're going to start
in about ten minutes, so I need you

all to go and get your costumes on. OK?

Just get changed and line up
by the front door as quick as possible.

Hey! Hey! No fighting.

- I can be whoever I want!
- Girls, please.

But she knew I was
going to be Penelope.

All right, girls, you're going to have to
go out with the rest of the class.

Go and line up. Come on, line up.
Get ready to go. Come on.

Honey, what's wrong?

Everybody's Penelope,
and I'm a stupid static cling!

Oh... Well, frankly,
I find you quite refreshing.

Come on, sweetie. Stick with me
and we'll both make it through this.

Trick or treat!

Well, hello there.

- I love this one. These are my favourites.
- Jess, you're going to want to see this.

Is this too much?


And then Wanda couldn't hold on
to the secret any longer.

You're everywhere.
Are you freaking out or what?

- OK, 357.
- There it is.

Hold on.


lt's just kind of great
to see the old you.

- OK. All right, let's go.
- All right, here we go.

You can do this.
Are you ready?

Hi. Um... l...

She's gotta pee. You got a bathroom?
I'm going to get some punch.

Er... yeah. Yeah, sure. I guess it's OK.
Come on in.

It looks like a good party.

Why aren't you at the party?

I gotta pack.

So, are you moving?

Er... out-of-town job. I felt like
getting out of the city for a while.

Away from the crowds?

Yeah, the crowds
at the poker tables.

Oh, so you're a gambler?

Avoiding temptation.

Well, that's good.

Good for you. I er...

I had a friend once
who um... liked to gamble.

At least, well, I heard
he liked to gamble,

- And, he had to stay away from...
- Take off the mask.


I'm sorry.

All Halloween,
I've been running into...

well, someone I used to know.
Sorry. Ridiculous.

This someone,
she meant a lot to you?


Yes, she did.

What happened?

I couldn't give her
what she wanted.

What did she want?

To be free.

You shit!

You lied to me!
I guessed piano, and you said...

- Penelope, I'm sorry.
- I know.

No. I don't have the power
to break the curse.

It's OK.
It turns out that I did.

It's me, Max.

My name's Johnny.

I know. Johnny.
I'm still me.

So, there we were.

And we lived happily
ever after.

Well, happily ever after
so far at least.

I don't get it.
What does it mean?

- Well, what do you think it means?
- Rich people suck!

lt's always the mother's fault.

We're all cursed?

lt's not the power of the curse,
it's the power you give the curse.

- What did you say, Shrimp?
- He's not a shrimp, dummy.

- He is too a shrimp!
- Hey! That's not nice!

That's very good, Billy.

OK, they're serving snacks
down at the picnic tables.

Then, after break,
we'll go explore,

and see what you can collect.

Stay together.

Special thanks to SergeiK.