Baby Mama Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Baby Mama script is here for all you fans of the Tina Fey movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Baby Mama quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Baby Mama Script


I did everything
that I was supposed to do.

I didn't cry in meetings.
I didn't wear short skirts.

I put up with the weird
upper management guys

that kiss you on the mouth
at Christmas.

Is it fair that to be the
youngest VP in my company,

I will be the oldest mom
at preschool?

Not really,
but that's part of the deal.

I made a choice.

Some women got pregnant.
I got promotions.

And I still aspire
to meet someone

and fall in love
and get married,

but that is
a very high-risk scenario.

And I want a baby now.
I'm 37.

It's too much for a first
date, isn't it? I said too much.

I'm just gonna
go use the...

I'm gonna need
this to go.

Good morning.
Thank you for being here so early.

Hi. How are you?

Let's get started.

That one.


I just don't like
your uterus.

Don't get me wrong.

Your eggs are in great shape,
but you have a T-shaped uterus.

That combined with your
advanced maternal age,

it's preventing
proper implantation.

Why do I have
this T-shaped uterus?

Well, probably has something
to do with medication

that was given to your mother
when she was pregnant with you.

We used lot of drugs
back in the '70s

which we now know
can cause infertility.


Yeah. I would say that your
chances of conceiving are very low.

How low?

Well, I don't want to
assign a number to it.

What would you assign it?
A color, a nickname, a locker?


One in a million.

I just don't like...

Don't say that again.

Come to think of it,

I did take something for liver
spots when I was pregnant with you,

but I really don't see how that could
cause any problems for your uterus.

It was just a different time. They
didn't warn people about side effects.

They warned me.

I think I might even
have signed something.


Kate, I was 30 years old. I was
starting to get liver spots. Liver spots!

I just hope you put
this baby mania to rest.

It's not mania.

How many times
have you tried now?

- Nine.

The last two
were in vitro.

Have you considered adoption?

I have applied
for an adoption, yes.

Kate, please don't get
a black baby.

Well, I don't think we'll
have to worry about that,

because for a single woman,

it can take about five
years to get an adoption.

I've just had it with all
these movie stars showing off.

"Look at me
and my black baby."

Kill me. I want you to
stab me with something.

You know, Kate,
not everyone is as tolerant

of your alternative lifestyle
as we are.

Being single is not
an alternative lifestyle.

It is when you're 37.

Oh, out like a light.

Have you thought
about using a surrogate?

I saw a thing
about it on Dateline.

No, it's weird.
It's for weirdoes.

I'm just gonna
keep trying by myself.

Kate, building a family is not
like opening one of your stores.

It's not an executive decision.
It's real life. It's messy.

These hormone injections make me want
to punch you in the face right now.

No hitting.

That's right.
- You're right.

There you go.
- Come on.

Well, how much longer are you
gonna put your body through this?

Look, I know for years
I said I didn't want one,

but I just
woke up one day,

and I felt like every baby on
the street was staring at me.

Katie's coming out
of the mommy closet.

Hey, Tyler.

Tyler, what is this
all over you?

Is that chocolate
or poop?

Is that chocolate or poop?

It's chocolate.

What if that
had been poop?

I told you,
messy, but great.

Not bad.

Everybody do a shot
of this pea soup.

Let's go with this.
Call it "Health Monster."

That's great.

It's what I do.

You know,

I was swimming this morning
with the dolphins in Costa Rica,

and I realized something.

I am a great man.

And great men do great things.

I want to open a flagship store
right here in Philadelphia.

I want it to be the
biggest store we ever built,

I want it to be made
of 100% recyclable materials,

and I want it to be so beautiful
that people want to get married in it.

Kate, join me up here.

I'm wearing a dress, Barry.

Won't you?



Kate, I want you to spearhead
this as our new vice president.

This is me transferring
my success to you.

Thank you, Barry.

Hold on.


- Yeah.

Thank you.
- Congratulations, Kate.

I'm Chaffee Bicknell.

There's just one of you.

I thought Chaffee and Bicknell
were two different people.

Come in.
- Certainly.

I started this business
because I saw a growth market.

We don't do
our own taxes anymore.

We don't program
our computers.

We outsource.

And what is surrogacy
if not outsourcing?

Wait. You're not saying
my baby would be carried

by some poor, underpaid
woman in the third world.


We're also expensive.

Our fee is $100,000.

It costs more to have someone
born than to have someone killed.

It takes longer.

All of our surrogates undergo
extensive background checks.

Criminal records, credit
reports, medical histories

and psychological testing.

But why do these women do it?
Is it just for the money?

You do your job for the money, but I
bet you love it and you're good at it.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you plan on hiring a nanny?

Of course.
I have to go back to work.

How is this any different?

A nanny is someone you trust to take
care of your baby after it's born.

A surrogate mother is someone you trust
to take care of your baby before it's born.

Either way it's your baby.

And here's my baby.

Hello, my sweetheart.
Hello, little one.

Oh, yes.
What a good girl. Yes.

Everyone deserves this.

That's why I wanna remove
the stigma from surrogacy.

There's no wrong way
to make a family.

And you're proof of that.

How do you mean?

Just that you have this
beautiful baby using surrogacy.

Oh, no.

My husband and I conceived
Sabrina the old-fashioned way.

But you're so...
- Old?

You wouldn't think so
if you saw my uterus.

But you know what really made
this little angel possible?

A time machine?

A positive attitude.

You may not have
my fertile body,

but with my help
you can still be a mother.

Make the cracks break
Shake it till they drop

Make the booty go
wah, wah, wah

Make the cracks break
Shake it till they drop

Make the booty go
wah, wah, wah


Yo, who you waiting on again?

Her name's Angie. Well, she
might be my surrogate mother.

That's right. You got
your baby mama coming.

You know I got
two baby mamas, right?

No, this is different. You had
relationships with those women.

No, I had no relationships
with those women.

I had relations
with those women.

No. I'm paying her. This
was set up by an agency.

There are contracts involved.
It's strictly business.

You pay the bills, she have the
baby. That's called a baby mama.

You ask any black man
in Philadelphia.

Yo, what if that's
your baby mama?

I don't think that's her.

Here come your baby mama

Riding a Suzuki

I wanna spend
about 15 minutes here,

then I wanna get my picture
taken punching the Rocky statue.

Yeah, well, you're gonna
have to sketch it,

'cause I didn't
bring a camera.

Okay, you did that on purpose,
didn't you? Trying to sabotage my art.

This might be them.
- All right, I'm an artist.

Oscar, this might be them.
- I want it to look artistic.

You told me to tell you when
you were sounding ignorant.

You're sounding ignorant.

- What?

I'm Kate.


Nice to meet you.
This is Carl, my husband.


He always says that.

Well, please,
come on in.

Thank you.

Listen, shut her down in
drive and slam it into park

or it'll start smoking, okay?

And I'll be back with this.

So, how long have
you two been together?

We met the summer after I
discontinued high school.

And we've been
together ever since.

He never officially
asked me to be his wife,

but he never asked me
to not be his wife either,

so things are going
pretty good.

Wow. The place is amazing.

Let me...


Kind of looks like Kate
Hudson's New York pied-à-terre.

She read that somewhere. I don't
think she's saying it right.

No, she's saying it right.

Out of all the places
that we've interviewed at,

this is by far
the nicest.

What does
your husband do?

Well, I don't
have a husband.

Got this place all by yourself?
Must have a really fancy job.

Well, I am the vice president of
development for Round Earth Foods.

So you take over
if the president is shot?


I like your shirt.
- Thanks.

It's a shirt-vest kind of...
I don't know.

I just like making styles and
stuff. It's something I like to do.

What, you don't
get down with rap?

Boy, somewhere in there
I have an old Salt-n-Pepa CD.


What do you do, Carl?

Carl is an


I'm still looking for
that home run, you know.

I mean, when I saw the iPod
the first time, I was like...

I mean, I could've
kicked myself.

That was
so hard on him.

Now we're pretty
tight on cash.

So that led you
to surrogacy?

Hey, I gotta say,

when I first thought about Angie
carrying someone else's baby,

I felt weird about it.

Then I thought,
"Oh, my God,

"if my wife's gotta have sex with
someone else's husband to do this..."

Out of the question.
- "...that's gonna cost extra."

It's out
of the question.

This is a nice view.

So, have you
done this before?

No. But I know I'm good
at getting pregnant.

That's not
what I'm asking about.

You know,
we've all had our scares.

No, not really.
- Me neither.

Pardon my asking this,
but how many couples, women,

how many people are you interviewing
before you make your decision?

I guess you're like
our sixth or seventh.

And how's it going?


You know how in science
they say that

everybody's aura gives off
a different color?

I can read those auras.

I'm very sensitive
to people's energies.

So, I meet new people
and I get exhausted.

Oh, yeah.

What color is my aura?

Let me see.

It's like a sunset.

I'm really digging it.
- Good.

- Good, good.

Really good color.

Well, good.

Because I really hope
that you like me, Angie,

because I'm asking you for
a very big favor, you know.

You have a God-given ability
that I just don't have.

I know I could
be good at this.

I think you could, too.

And, you know,
it's nice to feel...

- Yeah. Needed.

Important, useful?

I like all those words.

Yeah, well, I can't do this
without you. I've tried.

I need you, Angie.

I'm gonna make
a decision.

I made my decision.

Decision made.

Kate, I want you to
put your baby inside me.

Angie, I'm gonna
put my baby inside you.

This stuff is good. What's
the street name for this?

So as you can see,

we've transferred three of Kate's
fertilized eggs to your womb, Angie.

Now with the hormones
you've been taking,

the probability
of success is about 60%.

You should continue taking the hormones
and get as much rest as possible.

And in about two weeks, you
can take a home pregnancy test.

I live right here.

Thanks for driving me
all the way home.

Carl couldn't leave the house 'cause
he's trying to win a radio contest.

Well, I would've
offered to do it anyway.

Here, let me give you
some money for gas.

No, no, please.
It's my treat.


Of course. Angie,
you don't understand.

I want to be there for you
every step of the way.

I hope you don't mind.
I bought you some groceries.

I thought you might want
to start eating organic.

That crap is for rich
people who hate themselves.

Sorry, this place
is such a mess.

I haven't had time
to clean up.

No, it has a nice
old-timey smell.

Is that an alligator?

No, that's Carl's iguana.

Great. Well, I'm gonna put
this fruit in your refrigerator.

That's the song!

When they play Red Red Wine,
you gotta be the 103.7th caller.

What up, baby lady?
- Hello.

Shut the door, Carl!

How am I gonna talk
through a door?

How can you be
the 103.7th caller?

Angie, I don't have time
to explain arithmetic to you.

That don't
make no sense.

I will see you in two weeks.
Please try to get some...

Would you grab my smokes?

You know you're not supposed to smoke
in front of me. I'm trying to quit. Try to get some rest.
Yeah, that's your situation, all right?

I'm in here trying to win us
Arena Football tickets.

Close the door, Carl.

what we're looking for

is at least 15,000 square feet
in the next cool neighborhood.

It can be open lots.

It can be buildings that
we buy and tear down,

no historic buildings.

We want to be perceived
as enhancing the neighborhood,

not destroying
its character.

Also, Barry would like to use
mostly found and recycled materials.

So that's gonna affect us,

I don't care what we spend,
but we have to get it right.

Shannon! Dante! Anybody?

Sorry about that. Welcome to
Super Fruity. What can I get you?

Does the Orange You
Glad I Didn't Say Banana?

in fact contain banana?

Yeah. Yeah,
but it's a good question.

I think the name's a little more
clever than it is informative.

Well, I will try it.


Hey, I'm looking
for a new apartment.

What is your read
on this neighborhood?

The neighborhood's good.
It's good. It's changing a lot.

A lot of condos going up.

The real estate people
are trying to give it one of those

clever names,
they call it WeBeSoCa,

which is Webster, south
of Catherine, I guess.

How's business?

It's a little slow.

But kind of tough, you know,
going up against the man.

The cops?

Jamba Juice.

Jamba Juice is the man?


Corporate juice pimps.

Thought you should know, and you'll
feel free to tell your friends.

Okay. I will tell them.

Okay, now.
You have a super fruity day.

I want you to start
finding out

what's available between the 1500 block
and 1800 block of West Catherine Street.

Ron, I gotta call you back.

- Hi, it's Angie.

I know. I know.
So, any news?

Well, I peed on one of those
stick thingies, and it said yes.

Angie, that is just
the greatest news!

That's just
unbelievably great.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you so much, Angie.

If you need anything, anything
at all, you let me know, okay?

Yeah, okay. I will.

I'm having a baby!


What if the baby's
a hermaphrodite?


A chick with a dick.

I heard it happens
to about 2% of babies.

Well, that's crazy.

That would mean that 10 people from
our high school were hermaphrodites.

Mommy. Mommy.
Mommy. Mommy.

No, that sounds
about right, actually.

You can't solve problems
by worrying about them.

Is that Alex? What does
she want for her birthday?

Karaoke Revolution
or a cell phone.

She's four.

Do you think it's too much if I
ask Angie to call me every day?

She just seems so chaotic.

I don't know
if she's eating right.

Is she getting
enough exercise?

Is she moving around too much?

You're only six weeks in.

You can't put her in a cage
and force-feed her.

I know. I know.

Expecting a baby?

Did I tell you? I found a
location for the new store.

Yeah, I have to
pitch it tomorrow.

It's gonna be a girl. That's
what's making your hair so dry.

Cash or credit?



You got baby mama drama.

Hey, I left Carl.

I found out he was effing around
on me, so we got into a huge fight.

Things got
really physical.

Oh, my God.
Are you okay?

Yeah. I didn't
hit him too hard.

Hey, I brought you
a picture of the baby.

You know,
an ultrasound picture.

Oh, my gosh.

Looks like a squirrel.

A cute, cute squirrel.

Anyway, it's kind of early, so
you can't really see anything,

but they took a picture of it just
to make sure it's growing right.

They said all the parts
are good.

Why didn't you tell me?
I would've been there.

I didn't want
to bother you.

Don't worry. This couch is
more comfortable than it looks.

I also put a stack of clean
towels for you in the bathroom.

Do you need
a toothbrush?

Because I have some extras
that I keep for houseguests.

Good night, squirrel.

What we have here is our Boo
Boo Buster No-Slam Door, okay?

Watch how this works.

You can just slam it.
It bounces right back.

So you can put your fingers right
on in there, and it wouldn't...

Not you, it'll only
work for baby fingers.

- Okay?

Also included
in your premium package,

we have
child protection everywhere.

The doors, the door handles,
you have the cabinets,

caps all over the outlets,
cabinets, everything.

It's just baby-proof
all over the place.

Shouldn't be a problem for
anybody over the age of seven.

You sure have
done a great job

getting an early jump
on your baby-proofing.

Well, you guys
are the best in the city,

and I didn't want to risk
being on a waiting list.

True. But you can't be no more
than three, four months pregnant.

There's something
wrong with your toilet.

I'm sorry I broke
one of your rules.

You peed in the sink. Isn't
that against everyone's rules?

Only a crazy person
locks their toilet.

It's for the baby.
It's safe.

Please don't touch
anything else.

I'm here. I'm here. I'm sorry.

45 minutes late.
This isn't like you.

I'm sorry, Barry. I'm just
a little out of whack today.

Want me to get Dr. Gary down here?
Give you a shot of bee pollen?

No, thank you. I'm
good. Let's do this.

Thank you
for waiting, everyone.

This may look like a
dilapidated warehouse...

Lady Luck gets on my side

We're gonna rock
this town alive

I'll let her
rough me up

Thanks, Oscar.

She knocks me out

She walks like she talks
like she talks like she walks

She bangs, she bangs

- What are you doing?

What is this mess?

Oh, baby, she moves, she moves

This game is awesome.
Where did you get this?

That's supposed to be
my niece's birthday present.


Angie, what kind of food is
this for a pregnant woman?

Dr. Pepper, Pringles, Tastykakes?

Red Bull?

Angie, Red Bull?

You have to remember that you are
carrying something very precious.

Like a little puppy.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Or a baby.

What you eat, the baby eats. What
you listen to, the baby listens to.

If you listen to DMX,
the baby comes out going...

Are those cigarettes?

What? No. Where?

Do you know how stupid
it is to smoke at all,

let alone when
you are pregnant?

I'm not smoking.
I swear, I'm not...

Why would you
answer my phone?

- Kate, we're moving forward.

I think that that
is a great decision, Barry.

Yes, let's get those facts and
figures, Barry, into the idea machine.

We should close
in a couple of weeks.

I want you to put together
a press conference.

How about we start with a
little community outreach

and get the people in the
neighborhood on our side,

and then let the press
find us?

That's why I'm a genius
for hiring people like you.

All right, you.

My job gives me access
to the most nutritious,

chemical-free food
in the world.

I don't want my kid born addicted
to high-fructose corn syrup.

There is a thing called being too
healthy. That's what killed Bruce Lee.

Really? Where did you read
that? The Weekly World Dum-Dum?

All right. This is your folic acid
and this is your pre-natal vitamin.

You're serious about this?

I don't want my baby
to have a pinhead.

I can't do it.

I got it. It's going...

I can't swallow it.

What is this?


It's horrible!

I need a...
- No, I can't put it in your butt.

Angie, cats can do this.
Come on.

It's in there.
- Just try.

Just relax.

Close your eyes,
open your mouth,

and do it! Swallow it.

Take it. There you go! You did it.

Hey, I'm just
like a lot of you.

I grew up at 52nd and Walnut.
I attended West Philly High.

I smoked a joint with Hall & Oates
during the bicentennial, all of that.

But unlike
a lot of you,

I have since
traveled the world.

I've had papaya on the
beach at Virgin Gorda.

I've toasted pine nuts at the
mouth of an active volcano.

I sat down with Native Americans
and had some amazing salmon.

And I'm here to share
my experiences with you.

You know, I was talking to Jimmy
Buffett this morning about trans fats...

Barry, the time.

Well, I'm sorry
I can't stay longer,

but I have to swing by
my son's graduation.

So I will turn you over

to our vice president of
development, Ms. Kate Holbrook.

Good morning and thank you...

Will there be pedestrian
access during construction?

How can you charge
$4 for one mango?

What's your
carbon footprint?

Okay, how about we line up down
front here at the microphone?

And I can take
your questions...

And I can take your
questions one at a time.


Rob Ackerman, WeBeSoCa Small
Business Owners' Association,

and I also own
Super Fruity Smoothies.

It's like Jamba Juice.

No, it's not. It's not
like Jamba Juice at all.

I think you've been
to my store.

Yes, I have. I remember.

Did you ever find that
apartment you were looking for?

Not yet. No.

Here's my question. Exactly
what portion of your profits

are gonna go
towards rebuilding

and the revitalization
of our community?


Thank you for that question.

Those are free, by the way.
You don't have to sneak them.

All of this stuff
is our gift to you.

Hey, Kate.


What a spread.


So, I had one last
question for you.


You never told me how
you liked the smoothie.

Well, a little too much
banana for me.


You know,
Mr. Ackerman...

No, no, no.

Mr. Ackerman's my dog.
You gotta call me Rob.

Okay, Rob. I really
don't want any tension

with the Small Business
Owners' Association.

So I would be happy to sit
down with you some time and...

You asking me
out on a date?


You sure? 'Cause you
lied to me once already.

Yes, I'm sure.

See you around.

And then he asked me if I was asking
him out, and I was like, "What?"

Is he cute?

Yes, but you're
missing the point.

Hold on, Caroline.


I'm starving!

Well, look in
the refrigerator,

there's a big container of
Monster Health Pea Soup.

This looks really weird and
healthy. I don't like it.

It's good for you.

I'm not trying
to be dramatic,

but I would rather be shot in the
face than eat this stupid food.

Angie, just eat it, okay? Bye.

Caroline? She's crazy. It
is like living with a child.

Well, you know,
you will literally be

living with a child soon.

Maybe you need
to just get used to it.

Alex! Alex!

Wait. I'm an adult. She's an
adult. We will work this out.

You know, studies show that babies can
learn a second language in the womb.

You know, you should play an English
tape, so it can come out talking,

and it can be in commercials,
and you'll make a lot of money.

The elephant has big ears.

Your CD's skipping.
I'm gonna watch TV instead.

Oh, man. This show's awesome. In this
next clip is a dad playing baseball

with his son.

That kid's gonna
hit his dad in the nuts.

Beautiful day! What
could possibly go wrong?

Hey, have you seen
this one before?

You have a kid with a Wiffleball
bat and a dad with a crotch.

Proudest moment in any
father-son relationship.

You know, it's not gonna be
funny if you ruin the ending!

Here comes the pitch!

It is!
It's still funny!

Oh, man.

Did you just stick your
gum under my coffee table?

I don't know.
- What do you mean, you don't know?

Do you think you're
at an Arby's right now?

You know what? I wish
I was at an Arby's.

'Cause there's better food
and cooler people there.

Did you stick all
this gum under here?

I don't know!

Maybe you stuck
some of it under there.

Yeah, actually
you might be right,

because sometimes when
I work a really long day,

I like to come home and chew
a huge wad of Bubblicious gum

and stick it under my
reclaimed BarnWood coffee table!

I don't know your life!

All right, ladies,
there's no need to yell.

Well, the mystery remains as
to who put the gum under there.

No, it doesn't.

Kate, you're used to
being the boss,

and, Angie, being pregnant makes
you feel vulnerable and sensitive.

I know my hormones are on
a rollercoaster right now.

Are you saying...

That's right.
I'm expecting again.

Expecting what,
a social security check?

It's weird, isn't it?
- Yeah.

These conflicts are normal.

This is a highly unusual relationship,
and that's what this support group is for.

Jonathan would
like to share again.

I mean, I'm only saying
because this reminded me

of something I was
journaling, just the other day.

I feel really bad because
Karen and I are fighting a lot,

because I think she's
becoming morbidly obese.

And I keep reminding him
that she is pregnant.

And then I realized
that I am...

I'm... No.
I am... Okay.

I'm anorexic, and it's really
hard, because she's so fat.

And I... I love
Christopher so much,

and he's fat, and I'm afraid
the baby's gonna be fat.

And it's just me
and two fatties.

I'm proud of you, Jonathan.
Thank you for sharing that.

Yeah, that's a...

Thank you.

Anyone else?

I can go.
- Dave?

The wife and I are Methodists.
Ashley here is a Wiccan.

It's kind of like a witch.
They have stores, I think.

But, you know, at first, I was a little
worried about a witch carrying my child,

but I came around to the
idea, or she put a spell on me.

Did you do that, Ashley?

I'm sorry.

I'd like to share something.
- Please.

Okay, I don't know,
like, all the therapy terms...

Well, I don't know the therapy
terms, either. I don't go to therapy.

Yeah, but I'd just like to say that
Kate is always up in my business.

Well, when someone falls asleep
with a curling iron in their hair,

it becomes necessary to insert
yourself in their business.

That happened two times!

Angie, bottom line,
you're carrying Kate's baby,

and you do
wanna get paid, right?


That means that Kate
does deserve some input.

But, Kate, you must remember that
a surrogate is not your employee,

but your partner.

Yeah, Kate, we're partners,
like Tom and Jerry.

Tom and Jerry
hate each other.

What? They love each other!
What show are you watching?

They're a cat and a mouse.

They have
so much fun together!

Children in Japan
can understand that.

You are dead wrong.

I want you two to
spend more time together.

That's impossible. We're always together.
- I don't... Yeah.

Let Angie help you
get ready for the baby.

Decorate the nursery
together, pick out a crib.

Do all the things you would
do if you were pregnant,

just do them with Angie.

Wake up, partner.
It's time for birthing class.


Welcome to
The Birthing Center.

In this birthing class,

we are going to help
you new mommies and daddies,

and our mommies and mommies,
lesbian lovers...

- No.

...prepare for
that marathon of labor.

Quick question
before we start.

How many of you are planning
on doing natural childbirth?

That's a good show of hands. That's
so great, you're all so great.

And how many of you are planning
on using toxic Western medications

to drug your baby for your
own selfish comfort? Anyone?

Now this, this is
the Lexus of strollers.

Got an iPod adapter, leather
trim. Check that out, feel that.

Back of your hand,
back of your hand.

Now, what's the first word you
think of when you think of stroller?


Okay, what's the second
word you think of?

- No.

It's "top of the line safety
features." Check this out.

I'll take it.

I'm never gonna dance again

Guilty feet
have got no rhythm

Though it's easy to pretend

I know you're not a fool

What is the point
of that game?

It gives you points depending
on how good you sing.

I'm the highest scorer.

You're the only one
that's ever played it.

What is that smell?

I'm dying my roots.

I was just trying
to get some highlights.

So many chemicals!

You're a brunette,
you don't understand!

You're a brunette!

I was blond
when I was a kid!

I'm clean.
I'm clean!


I'm sorry, I think I may
have overreacted back there.

You think?

It's just this whole thing
is very important to me.

And frankly, it makes
me a little bit crazy

that you get to feel it
and experience it,

while I just watch.

And I might be
a little bit jealous.

Jealous? How could
you be jealous of me?

I'm sorry
I called you stupid.

I'm sorry I farted
into your purse.


I found this shell while running
barefoot through the Toronto airport.

I want you to make our
flagship store like this shell.

You want it
to look like the shell?

You know, Rick, when you talk
to me in that tone of voice,

I get incredibly angry.

I couldn't have
been more specific...

You want it to have
the essence of the shell.

Yes, that's it, exactly. Thank you,
Kate. I'm sorry I flipped, Rick.

Give me the essence
of this shell.

As your pregnancy progresses,

your partner can help you
prep your perineum

for the great stretch
of delivery.

Massage the area
daily with a little EVOO

to help you stretch
and prevent tearing.

What is she talking about?

I think she wants me to
rub olive oil on your taint.

Is it cool if maybe I just spray
a little PAM down in that area,

right before
the baby comes out?

You have to admit
it's a valid suggestion.

So, are you pissed that
no one ever married you?

Well, I almost got married
once to a guy named Scott.

We were together
for six and a half years.

Damn, just shy
of common-law.

Yeah, actually. He was the
only guy I ever lived with.

So now he has three kids,
beautiful kids, with another woman,

an old co-worker
of mine, actually.

That sucks.

You know what?
Don't worry about it,

'cause you're super-successful,
and you have sweet-ass legs.

Thank you, I think.

I had one good boyfriend
before Carl.


Donny Landis.

We used to work at Blimpie
together when we were 16,

and sit and eat pickles
in the back.

He waited a whole month
before he touched my boobs.

Then he went
to the University of Scranton,

and I never heard
from him again.

He was my Justin Timberlake.

Angie, you can still have
a totally different life.

You're a very
smart person.


I figured out how to beat
you at this game, by the way.

Yeah, that's what it's about.

There's a lot of
techniques that you can use.

I come home
in the morning light

My mother says When you
gonna live your life right?

You gotta hold the
note till the end.

We're not
the fortunate ones

And girls just
want to have fun

Oh, girls just
want to have fun

Come on,
get up here.

Just wanna,
they just wanna

Just wanna,
they just wanna

They just wanna,
they just wanna

They just wanna,
they just wanna

- Girls!

Girls just wanna
have fun

Girls just wanna
have fun

I think that was harmony.

That was harmony!

Look at her.
She's got good jugs.

My avatar is dressed
like a whore.

So, what do you
wanna talk about, Carl?

I want you to come
home. Baby, I miss you.

I haven't had sex
in two weeks.

I've been gone a month.


Carl, after spending
time with Kate,

I kind of feel like I can evaluate
the direction my life is going,

and I feel like that direction
does not include you. Carl!

You and your best friend,
Kate? I got bad news.

She's using you
to have a baby.

You think you guys would
be friends in real life?

She's a business lady.
It's just business.

You don't even
know her, Carl.

All right, you got no right
to cut me out of this deal.

Who's the one
who said you should go

into the baby-making business
in the first place? Me.

When the pee-stick said no, who's the one
who figured out how to keep things going?


You should...
- Here you go.

You shouldn't have forged
that pregnancy test, Carl.

Maybe you should've actually gotten
pregnant like you were supposed to.

You did a dumb thing, moving
in with that lady. Real dumb.

We were supposed to
forge the test,

send her the ultrasound
picture in the mail,

and then cash the
checks. One, two, three.

The ultrasound looked like
a squirrel, by the way.

'Cause it was a squirrel. That's
all I could find on the Internet.

Look, Katie's gonna notice.
You're not getting bigger.

When you go
to the doctor's office,

and you take the test,
she's gonna know.

Sweetie, you're not smart
enough to pull this off.

Excuse me. These are mine, right?

How far along are you?

I'm pretty pregnant.

She's 14 weeks.

Me, too! You're so lucky.
You're not showing at all.

Nice talking to you.


I'm going to work.
Feel better, okay?

I'm done. No.
I'm not done!

Morning sickness.

Sounds like she's dying.

Just so pregnant.

Right there.


On your hand.
- Where?

Right... Yup... See. Right.
- Where?

Girl, that's vomit!

Do something about
them vomit chunks, girl!

Okay. God!

I love it, Kate.

I wanna reward you with five
minutes of uninterrupted eye contact.


You can stay, Rick,
if you... Okay.

In the last 24 hours, I got clearances
on the titles and the permits,

tax-incentive grants from
the city and the states,

and Barry on the plane
to surf camp.

I'm at the top of my game.

That's great!

Let's do something.
Let's celebrate!

I thought we could order food
and watch this DVD that I got.

It's a British documentary
about a woman

who gives birth to a
15-pound baby, vaginally.

Can't wait to not watch this.
You and I need to go out.

Let's go clubbing.
- Clubbing?

You need to get out of your
comfort zone. Go meet some dudes.

Although, I do have a new ginger body
splash that I've been dying to try.

- Yes.

That's really frisky.
Let's do it.


You're wearing that?

Well, we are going
to a nightclub.

Ain't no good
gonna come of this.

This place is awesome.

I haven't been to a place
like this since ever.

Okay. She'll have a double
margarita, no ice, and two of those.

And I'll have
a bottle of water.

Hey, let's dance!
- Okay!

Stop framing
your face.


I think it's good!

It's not.

Here, drink this!

Oh, my God!
That is strong.

Is it?
Try this one.

That is stronger!

I know, I know.
Do this shot.

Why am I doing this?

Are you having fun?

I am!

You know what
I've always wanted to do?

This one is for the ladies!

All right!
Good slow jam!


All right! All right! Hey! Hey!

Listen to it!
It's a really beautiful song!

If I was alone, I mean, not pregnant,
I would be macking on all of this.

There's nobody here
I would ever go out with.

Are you serious?

What about that guy?

He looks like a laundry
bag full of meat.

What about that guy over
there? He's wearing a suit.

It's denim.

You're so picky!

Well, at least he's not a
grade-A dork like that guy.

Oh, my God, Scott!


That's my ex-boyfriend, Scott, that
I told you about. Why is he here?

You went out
with him?

I did.


He's beautiful.

Look at his mustache!

I know!

I'm gonna go say hi.

No, don't,
it's a bad...

Kate, I'm gonna
watch your drink.

Hi, Scott.

Kate, my gosh, you look
great! What are you doing here?

I'm just clubbing.

You remember
my wife, Jean?

Oh, yeah.

Hi, Jean, how are you?

How's everything?

It's great. We just bought
a house in Bucks County.

I'm still doing stuff
for Doctors Without Borders.

Recently, we took in
some Hurricane Katrina dogs.

And I was in a bicycle accident
that made my penis bigger.

How are you?

I'm doing awesome.

I've just been working a lot, and
I cannot have babies, it turns out.

So, good job
picking this one.

What it is, actually, is my uterus
is T-shaped, which is like...

So, but actually,
funny story. See that...

Okay, see that little
blonde woman, over here?

I am paying her to have...
- Hi. Stop talking now.

Bye, Jean.

Why does he
make me so crazy?

Forget about him. He
dumped you. He's an asshole.

he's a good person.

you're a good person.

You don't need another good person
around you. That's your thing.

He's trying to
take that from you!

He wanted to marry me, and
I wanted to focus on work.

Of course you did!

Because working is awesome
and being married sucks!

That's his car.

What, this right here?
- Yes.

Silver Infiniti,
Penn State sticker,

baseball mitt
in the backseat...

This is Scott. You
know what we should do?


I was gonna say
leave a funny note!

Where are we?


What? You're so wasted.

Stop right here! This is
good. Pull over right here.

Angie, I'm gonna go
get a ginger carrot juice,

and you should go home
and get some rest,

because you look
very sleepy and tired.

Where are you going?

We're closed!

Yeah, well, it looks about
the same as when you're open.

Don't tell me, your people are gonna
start bulldozing the neighborhood tonight.

Yeah, I'm...
I'm really, really sorry

that I'm so good at my job.

What is this,
a taste test?

No, actually, I wouldn't
do that if I were you.

No, that...
That's not...

It's horrible.
- Not very good.

It's a combination
of papaya juice and coffee.

I keep this notepad by my bed
in the middle of the night,

and I write down these
ideas when I'm half asleep,

and they never
make any sense.

I do that, too.

And then I wake up, and I have these
little notes that say things like,

"make everybody be twins"
and "electric toilet."

Those are not
good ideas.

They're really not.

So why are you out so late? Are
you a prostitute at night, or...


I went out tonight for the
first time in a long time,

and I let a friend
of mine dress me.

Well, your friend is
a great American.


You know,
I really like your logo.


Yeah, I did it myself.

I really like it.

You don't think
it looks like a penis?

No, I don't see that.
- No?

No, I don't see that.

Over here
you got two obvious...

I don't know what you're talking about.
- ...stiff ones... No?

No, I don't know
what you're talking about.

You're being nice.
Thank you.

Also, I don't think you wanna
pick a fight with Jamba Juice.

I mean, they're not
exactly Wal-Mart.

Well, they are. They're the
Exxon of frozen juice companies.

Yes, I think I saw a Michael
Moore documentary about that.

That's embarrassing.

So is that offer to get together
some time still on the table?

Are you asking me out?

Yes, I think I am.

Okay, yes,
then, yes. Yeah.


This came off my head.

Some of that
hair's real, right?

No. I'm bald. I'm...

These are real. So we
got that going for us.

Hi, Carl.

What's up,
hot stuff?

What are you doing here? I
told you to stay away from me.

You think you're getting
this payday without me?

No way.
I want my half, okay?

And I've got insurance,
the actual pee-stick.

I don't even know if that's
real. You probably peed on it.

Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.
But I'll tell you this.

It's gonna raise
a lot of questions

when Kate takes
this down to the lab,

and they start doing
DNA tests with CSI stuff,

and molecules and proteins
and the hair follicles,

and they're gonna
connect the dots.

And then you're
gonna be busted.

Carl, I don't wanna do
any of this anymore.

I want a common-law divorce.

You wanna give me back the ring
that I made for you in metal shop?

Yeah, I do.

Okay, you know what? I'll tell
you when this relationship's over,

because there's a lot of girls
there sitting on the bench

that wanna come
into this game, all right?

So I am canceling
this relationship, okay?

Please come back to me, Angie.
- Oh, my God!

Wait, wait! Hold
on, hold on, please!

I wanna say goodbye to you proper,
okay? We owe that to one another.

Can we please have
a quickie in the car?

- What's wrong with you?

You know what? I'm not gonna be
here for you when Kate kicks you out.

So deal with that.

My girl rocks?
My girl does not rock, okay?

My girl is a divorcée.

So I hope
you got Kleenex,

'cause you just said goodbye to the
coolest thing that ever happened to you.

I'm gonna bang your friends.
Consider them all banged.

The reason I called you collect is 'cause
it's gonna take more than a few quarters

to express how I feel
about you, baby.

Hey, where you going?

I knew something was up when I saw
you beating your baby bump like that.

It wasn't supposed
to happen like this.

Everything just
got way out of hand.

I think
I'm just gonna split.

That's a good idea.

Just slip away
in the dead of night

and leave Kate thinking
you stole the baby.

That would destroy her.

This ain't some little scam where
you just call up Domino's and be like,

"Yo. You know, I'm doing some church
youth event. I need 10 free pizzas."

Why, does that work?

You're lying about the
existence of a human being.

If you don't tell her, you'll
never be able to live with yourself.

Maybe you can tell her
after I'm gone.

I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

Not a damn thing, 'cause
you're gonna tell her yourself.

I've got
a surprise for you.

I got a surprise
for you, too.

It is a brochure for the
Philadelphia School of Textiles.

They've got
a great fashion program.


But that's not the
whole surprise. Open it.

I'm giving you
your check early.

No, Kate. I can't take that. You
gotta put that through the agency.

No, it's not gonna bounce.
Don't you trust me?

Where are we going?

You have
an ultrasound appointment.

What? No.
Today's Thursday.

Ultrasound isn't Thursday.
Birthing class is Thursday.

Usually, but you're 18 weeks, and
so you have another ultrasound.

I can't wait.

I hope the baby's in a good position,
so we can see its little profile,

because I'd really like to get one of
those printouts to hang over my desk.

Do you think it could
look like me yet?

Could the baby look
like you at 18 weeks?

What if it has
little tiny glasses?

I'm joking. That's me
trying to make a joke.

That's cold.
- Sorry about that.


lf... When you get mad, do
you stay mad for a long time?

Yes, yes. I'm a big
grudge-holder, actually.

Hear that?
- What?

That's your heartbeat.
You nervous?

Yeah, a little.

Okay, I'm just... Just having
a little trouble finding...

You're gonna have
a lot of trouble.

Kate, I gotta tell you
something. I'm not really...

There's the baby's heartbeat.

I'm not really... What?
- Isn't it wonderful?

Holy shit!

There's a baby in there?
- Yep!

How did it get in there?
- It's a miracle.

What did you
wanna tell me?

I'm so excited.


What do you mean, pregnant? I
thought you was lying to Kate.

I was. I am. It's not
Kate's baby. It's Carl's.

So the procedure thing...

Didn't take.

And then I was crying,
so Carl and I did it.

And it's just country.

I missed a couple periods,

and I thought maybe it was my hormones,
you know what I'm talking about?

No, I don't know
nothing about that.

But then I started spotting,
and I thought that was my period,

but usually I don't
have a heavy flow.

Stop it.

My boobs didn't hurt, so I was
like, "It's not my period..."

You know what? Look, I'm just
gonna lay it out, all right?

I'm not discussing
the lady business with you.

I mean, I think it's a
beautiful thing and all that,

but it's disgusting, okay?

And I'm afraid if we
keep talking about it,

that our cycles
might synchronize...

What am I
supposed to do, Oscar?

I can't cash that check. I
can't take any of Kate's money.

But I am gonna stay here
until I figure out what to do.

I don't know anything
about being a mother.

You better start learning.

It's good if the kid's
raised here, though, you know?

Better school, better
apartment, better situation.

Is that what you want?

No, I wanna keep it.

Have you read this?

"One in four million babies are
born with a full set of teeth."

Angie, it's gonna be fine.

Where you going?

I have a date
with that guy, Rob.

Are you gonna
tell him about me?

No. I've made
that mistake before.

It turns out
they don't like it

when you talk about the successful
transfer of embryos on the first date.

Read the chapter about hermaphrodites.
You won't sleep for a week.

Hello, folks, my name
is Chet. I'm your waiter.

Are you folks familiar with
the raw food vegan movement?

- I think he is, more than I am.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, should we start
with some appetizers?

Yeah. How's the
sea kelp pizza?

That's got a nice earthy taste,
little bit of a dirt taste.

It's very nice.

Salty. We'll stay
away from that.

You know what looks good
is the blue algae?

You wanna just...
- Yes, yes.

Be right back.

So what kind of law
did you practice?

Corporate. You know
when you're watching the news,

and you see some bloated
CEO involved in a scandal,

and you kind of
wonder to yourself,

"How is this prick
not going straight to jail?"

Sometimes it was
because of me.

You must be very proud.

All right, here's
your blue-green algae

and a yeast bowl
for the table.

Thank you.
- Thanks.

This looks good.

Oh, it's warm.
- Yeah.

What about you?
You like your work?

I do, but I mean,

I have other things
in my life besides my job.

I like to travel for work.

Oh, that's a...

That's a good yeast.

Very yeasty.

How long have
you been vegan?

I'm not.

I'm sorry. I'm not,
I thought that you were,

and that's why
I took you here.

Because of where you work,
I never would have... Oh, God.

Can we... Yeah, you want to...
- I eat meat.

Yeah, I eat meat
like nobody's business.

I'll have a large steak with
provolone, no Cheez Whiz, no onions,

peppers on the side,
don't overcook the meat.

Also, I'd like you
to slice me a new fresh roll,

because those ones have been
sitting out for a long time.

I want a Birch Beer,
cold, no cup.

You really should consider changing
those Styrofoam cups to paper ones,

because they're very bad
for the environment.

Yeah, I'll have the same.

I'm sorry. I'm a
little overly thorough.

Some people would say that
I am bossy and controlling.

No, that's just prejudice.

They call you bossy and
controlling 'cause you're a woman.

But if you were a man doing the
same stuff, you'd just be a dick.



No one's ever called me
a dick before on a date.

Term of endearment.

So listen, there's something
that I haven't told you.

And it may be
a deal-breaker.

Oh, boy, you are super
fruity, aren't you?


But I do
have a daughter.

She's 12 years old and she lives
with me every other weekend.

I think that's great.


You have any kids?

I've never
been married.

Well, Kate,

you don't have to
be married to have a kid.

Do you want to
go back to my...


I was going to say
apartment, just to be clear.

Yeah. I'm 37.
I know how this works.

- Let's go.

It's actually
this way.


- Yeah.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Look who just got inducted
into the walk of shame.

Why are you all shiny
like a soul food cook?

I want you, now,

to look your partner in the
eye, and I want you to tell her

she is beautiful.

You are beautiful.

Tell her,
"You are strong."

You are strong.

Tell her, "Thank you
for giving me this baby."

Thank you for giving me this baby.

Are you crying?
- No.

I am. I'm crying a little bit.

All right.

Romaine, Cheyenne,
time to go.

We have a playdate
with Wingspan and Banjo.

Those kids would have got their asses
handed to them in my neighborhood.

My sister wants to know what kind
of cake you want for the shower.

Kate, I don't think I
should go to that, you know?

I mean, that's just
kind of for you.

No, it's for both of us.

My mother wants to meet you
and make you feel weird.

Excuse me.

Yes. Barry, hi.

No, I'm pulling into the
construction site right now.

Think I went to
a rave here once.

Please, I asked you
to wait in the car.

It's too hot in there,

and your weirdo air conditioning,
I don't know how to work it.

Barry, I'm sorry.
- Kate, where you been?

I'm having second thoughts
about this location.

Is it the taxes?

It's probably because this place
gives you a weird vibe, right?

Yes. That one.

I'm not getting
good vibes here.

And if there's one thing
Oprah taught me,

it's to trust my instincts
and follow my fear.

Is that the episode where
she got her ears pierced?

No, this was at her home
in Maui. Who are you?

I'm Angie.

She works for me.

She's very intuitive.

I read people's energies.

You read energies?
- Yeah.

Good. Very good.

How's the energy
in this site?

Green, mostly.

Like healthy leaves.



I like your maid.

So do I.

Let me put my hands
into your hands,

and I'll whisper to you
the secret of success.

So, are we back on?

We were never off.

What did he say?

The secret of success.


He said
"Have a big penis."

No, he didn't.
- Yeah, he did.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.
Look! Wait.

Is that the face?
- I think.

That was a big one!

Oh, my God.
What does it feel like?

Like if you ate
a meatball sandwich,

then that meatball
sandwich was kicking you.

I think I gotta tell Rob
about you and the baby.

What? Why?

Well, we've been
going out for a month,

and I didn't think
it would turn into anything,

but it sort of is.

I don't think
that's a good idea.

You know, he may break up with you.

Yeah, but the longer I wait,
the weirder it's gonna be.

It's gonna be weird
no matter what.

He'll know I'm hiding
something. I'm the worst liar.

Okay, tell me three things about
yourself and make one of them a lie.


I'm from Pennsylvania,

I am a Leo,
and I am 5'9".

I don't want to... This
is why I can't lie to him.

You're not lying to him,

you're just not telling him the
truth, there's a big difference.

Is there?

I don't know.
Don't ask me.

Don't speak
I can't even take it

And I don't
need no reason


I'm Rob. I'm here to pick up Kate.


Sorry, I'm a little early. I was
just in the neighborhood, so...

Do come in.

Hello, I'm Angela.


I'm Kate's sister, so...

We are in the same family.

And I was just practicing the
ancient Japanese art of karaoke.

- Yes.

You delightful...
Hello. Oh, well.

I can see how she
likes you so much. Kate?

You live here?
- No,


I live in New York City
in a pied-à-terre apartment

with a husband
that I have.

Wow, so you're just
kind of visiting here, or...

He's in the stock market.

So we go from city to city,
visiting other stock markets.

And that's how we roll.

It's funny, 'cause you guys
don't look alike at all.

Oh, well.

Different dads?
- Yes.

We have different dads.
That's what we have.

We have different dads.
Thank you for that.

Is that my phone?

I didn't actually hear...

It was. Hold on, it's
from Europe. Hello?

Yes, interesting. It's a business
call. So nice to meet you.

- Yes.

What? How long
did he talk to you?

Hi. Look at you, early bird.

Okay, it's nice to see you.

Oh, my gosh,
well, let's go.


Does your sister
want to come with us?

No, she's not well.

Bye, Angela.
- Adios.

Push, woman.

Yeah, good. Push, and
boom! Congratulations. Look.



It's that easy.
What movie we watching?

Extreme Vaginal Delivery.

The miracle of
really big childbirth.

Oh, damn!

You can't come
back from that.

That's why you always
want to stay over here, huh?

It's one of the reasons.
- Well,

how long is your sister in town?

Angie's not
really my sister.

I know. She's your
half-sister. She told me.

What else did
Angela tell you?


she told me
that you like me a lot.

Well, she's a liar.
She's a known liar.

What is this?

Jillian wants me to take her to an exhibit
of abnormal skulls at the Mütter Museum.

Do you need me
to get out of here?

No, no. No, I was gonna
see if you wanted to come.

You want me
to meet your daughter?

Is that a bad idea?

No. I really,
really like kids.

Oh, my God.
- I know.

Have you read
this article?

This Chaffee Backnell lady.

- She is a piece of work.

I mean, her whole surrogacy
process is very science-fictiony.

There's so many kids
that need to be adopted.

Well, adoption
can take years.

And these people would pay, like,
you know, $50,000, in order to...

It's $100,000, actually.

You know, have your baby
custom-carried by a gestation assistant.

What is that?

Well, I think it's probably
more complicated than it seems.

A lot of rich people
getting what they want.

I hate that song.

Here you go. You got it?
- Yeah, I'm good.

So, do you feel
good about yourself?

You're just going to let Kate go ahead
and have this whole baby shower, right?

You don't realize
how ruthless that is, right?

Hey, man, that's a sweet cake.
That's tight. That's tight.

Service entrance,
straight to the terrace.

What am I
supposed to do?

Tell her today, in front of all
of her friends and her family?

No, no, no. Wait till the
child is, like, nine years old,

and then tell her,
like my first ex did me.

Okay, I'm going to
tell her tonight.

Or Monday.

But then it'll ruin her week, so
maybe I should wait till Friday.

Then it would ruin her
weekend, so maybe I should...

I don't know
when I'm gonna tell her.

When's the best day to
tell someone horrible news?


I tell you, a pagan birth
is a fascinating thing.

You know, now that
I've done it myself,

it seems crazy
not to eat the placenta.

I'm sorry, did you say
polenta or placenta?

the afterbirth, yeah.

Ashley turned us onto it...


Hi, I'm Caroline,

Kate's sister. Nice to meet you.
- Hi, nice to meet you.

And this is
our mother, Rose.

Hi, nice to meet you.

How do you do?

So, tell me,
once the baby is born,

will you just go away, or
shall I expect you at Christmas?



This is a reasonable question.
All my friends are asking.

Well, we haven't
really talked about it.

No, there's not a lot of
stuff we've talked about,

we have a lot of stuff
to talk about.

I think Angie might want to
visit the baby a few times a year.

You know, or I might be out of
town, I don't know where I'm going.

I mean, I think I've got
plans, but I'll definitely call.

Summer, if we're on vacation, maybe Angie
would want to come with us some time.

And who knows where we're
going to be in a year?

I think it's really important that
she remain a part of the baby's life.

Yeah, you know,
or completely separate.

We're just going to
play it fast and loose,

you know, just see
how it all shakes out.

Always been my motto.

Rob? Hi.
- Hi.

Hey, I know it's your
sister's baby shower,

just, you haven't called me in days.
I thought maybe I did something wrong.

No, you didn't do anything.

Is it because I wanted to
introduce you to my kid?

No, Rob, I just...

I think you and I
view the world differently.

Bad news people,
party's over.

Start heading for the door.
- Who let him in here?

Carl, don't say
something stupid.

She hasn't told you.

I thought since you
guys were best friends,

she probably
told you everything.

Shut your mouth, Carl.
- What is going on?

She's not even pregnant, okay?

I mean, look.

Angie what is that?

Feel it.

It's moving.
- Yeah, it's a baby.

And it's yours.

What are you saying?


I really tried to make
you a baby, I swear.

What are you saying?

We took a test

as soon as we got home,
and the procedure didn't work.

And I was real, you know, horny,
because of all the hormones.

So we did it.

I felt like a failure.

And Carl told me you were
going to get somebody else.

Those hormones can also
give you a false negative.

That's why they want you to wait
two weeks before you take a test.

Wait, what?
- So she might not be pregnant?

Yo, where you
escape from, man?

I'm saying the baby might be
Carl's, but it might still be mine.

Okay, then
forget what I said.

I'm trying to
play catch-up here.

So you get
your sister pregnant,

but she slept with him?
- No, she's not my sister.

She's an ignorant white trash
woman that I paid to carry my kid.

I deserve that.

No, you don't.

How could you do that?

This is why I didn't
call you back, Rob,

because this is the kind of
selfish, science fiction shit

that you don't
want any part of.

Well, the upside is, it
looks like I might be a dad.

So if it's a boy,
I want to marry you.

Oh, my God.


I'm so sorry
about what's happened.

But I think it's best to wait until
the pregnancy is far enough along

for DNA testing, before
we do anything drastic.

That was quite a kick.

How can you
be pregnant?

Your eggs are
from the '40s.

You're upset.

And you're saying hurtful
things. It's understandable.

We'll have a DNA
sample sent to the lab.

The rest will be
handled in family court.

Of course, if the baby turns out not
to be yours, we'll waive our fees.

What about all
the background checks?

With flying colors.

You were living with her, and
you didn't notice anything.

She fooled us, Kate.

She fooled us all.

I fooled myself.

I booked you a room here,
until we sort this out.

So you're done with me, now, is
that it? You don't need me anymore?

Gonna try to find some
other lowlife you can use

to give you everything
you ever wanted?

I'm not gonna do this.

You know, you think
you're better than me...

I am certain that I
am better than you.

Okay, we're being honest now?

Here's one. I can have
a baby, and you can't.

And that drives you crazy.

Get out of my car.

Your stupid space car's
locked me in.

Don't touch it
when I'm touching it.

Just open it!

Yeah, you bang on the door,
that's how you open it.

Well, you can't
even find the stupid...

Raised by wolves!

Tell me
how to open it!

Stop touching it,
and I will open it.

It is open now.


Look, buddy, you don't have to sell
me on the product, I'm already in.

Here's what I'm asking.

Do you have a discount policy if you're
related to one of the girls that's gone wild?

Enjoy it, Kate.
This is your baby.

I'm going to go hide this
shell somewhere in the store.


Can I get an Orange You
Glad I Didn't Say Banana?

All right.
Holbrook v. Ostrowiski.


I take it this is
a paternity case.

Actually, it's a
maternity case, Your Honor.

Katherine Holbrook hired this
woman to be her surrogate,

now we're not sure
whose egg this is in here.

What are you doing here?

Angie needed some legal
help, so I'm helping.

And you are?
- I'm Rob Ackerman,

formerly with the firm
Swanson and Weisberg.

- Yeah, now he makes

fruit smoothies.

You mean like Jamba Juice?

Yes, Your Honor, it's
exactly like Jamba Juice.

'Cause I love Jamba Juice.

- Who doesn't?

You don't need a lawyer,

you know, we're just
here to read some results.

But I know that I have
the right to a lawyer.


And you are?

Carl Loomis,
Your Highness.

I'm here to seek joint
custody of that fetus.

Your Honor, this dummy
used to be my husband.

Did you provide a DNA
sample, Mr. Loomis?


What's that now?

Did you give someone a hair
follicle or a vial of your blood?

No. Not as it pertains
to this case.

All right, then you're
going to have to take a seat.

And if you disrupt
the proceedings again,

I'll ask the bailiff
to escort you out.

Not scared of her.

May I have
the lab results, please?

Okay, I would like to testify
on behalf of the prosecution.

There is no prosecution.

Aye, aye, sir.

If you insist,

you can make a statement and
have it entered on the record.

No, no, that's not necessary.
- No, I insist.

I would like to say something.

I'm sorry.

I never should
have listened to Carl.

I should have done
the right thing. I just...

This whole thing
made you feel so happy.

And it made me
feel so important.

I should have told you the
truth. And I'm sorry I didn't.

I was just scared.

I also want to thank you.

I didn't like it sometimes,
but you made me grow up.

I know I was supposed to
help you have a baby.

But you ended up teaching me
how to be a mother.

So thank you.
And I'm sorry.

She'd be a great mom,
Your Honor.

Kid wouldn't
get away with shit.

Let's watch
the language, please.

Freedom of speech, look
it up, it's in the thing...

What Ms. Ostrowiski is
trying to say, Your Honor,

is that what
she did was wrong.

It was extremely wrong.

Cool it, you're my lawyer.

And one of these lies, that's
so easy to spin out of control.

This guy, Carl Loomis,
he lied to Angie.

And then Angie lied to Kate,
and Kate lied to me,

and it was a mistake.
I mean, it was a...

It's a mess, this is all a...
It's a mess. This is a real mess.

That's the worst closing
argument I've ever heard.

Yeah, I know.
I know. I'm a little rusty.

Kate. I just never wanted to come
back into a courtroom ever again.

And I came here for you.

Thank you.

I rest my case.

You Honor, I think we are more than
ready for you to read the results.

Let the record show that the DNA
test indicates that Ms. Holbrook

is not the mother
of this child.

Okay to get home?

Of course.

I remember the day I found
out I was going to have a kid.

Wow. I'll never take it
for granted again.

Well, I'd still like
to meet that kid some time.

I'll give you a call.
You come by the store.

Okay, I'll definitely come by.


I'm sorry, Kate.

It's okay.

I just threw up.

You look nice in a suit,
by the way.



So, I guess
I'll see you later?

Probably not, actually.


I've been off Dr.
Pepper for two weeks.

This is water.

Good for you.


Angie, I think
your water broke.

Wait, what?

Your water is breaking.

I got to get a bus to
take me to the hospital.

Let me drive you,
I'll drive you.

Okay, hold this.

I'm not due for three weeks.
- I know.

Should we
clean that up?

No, somebody else
will get that.

This is really happening,
isn't it?

This is really happening.

It's so weird,
'cause I feel totally calm.

Come on, it feels like I'm shitting a knife.
- Okay.

Why won't you
bitches help me?

Just breathe.

Okay, I'll take it
from here.

I want to go with her.

Are you family?

She's my sister.

Well, okay.

Oh, God, holy...

This way.
Sorry, sorry.

Give me some drugs. Give me this.
- You don't need drugs.

I want those drugs.
- No.

You'll never
get me, pig!

Get out of my way!

Oh, God!


Is that guy dead?
Is he dead?

We need some olive
oil to rub on my taint.

It's too late.
It's too late.

Okay, this is
gonna go great.



It's twins.


I don't know
what you're crying about.

I gotta walk out
of here alone.

That's a good joke,
Dr. Manheim.


Okay, and give me
a big one.

Big one! Whoa!

Nothing. Okay.
All right, ready?

Kate, I'm so glad
you're here.

You don't look good,
by the way.

I feel a little dizzy.

- Okay, and give me a big one.

Big one. Whoa.

Good morning.

- How are you feeling?

Embarrassed. I fainted
in the delivery room.

Well, Oscar's bringing you
a change of clothes,

and Mom is here,
in case you die.


And somebody else
wants to say hi. Hey.

It's embarrassing.

I'm scared your friend, Angie,
has me on speed dial.

She called me, like, 10 times to
get down here and take care of you.

Me, too.
- How is she?

How is the baby?

Great, she's just...
She's beautiful.

It's a girl.

Got a smile...

Good morning.
- Hello.


Hi, there. Hi.

Could I have a moment
alone with Kate, please?

Sure. I'm going to
go check on Mom.

Hi. How can I help you?

Hi. Well, we got
your blood work back.

You are slightly anemic,
which explains the fainting.

But there's something else
you need to know.

You're pregnant.

That's impossible.

I paid a man thousands of dollars
to tell me that that's impossible.

Well, you're only about eight weeks
along, but you are definitely pregnant.

He said the chances
were one in a million.

Well, I'd start buying
lottery tickets, if I were you.

Wait a minute.



I'm pregnant.
- What?

I'm pregnant.

You okay?

Oh, my God.

Hi. Can I see her?

She's gorgeous.
What's her name?

This is Stef.

that's beautiful.

No, Stefani.
Like Gwen Stefani.

Even better. Hello.

Are you waking up?

So, you're pregnant.

How'd you know that?

I can read
people's energies.

Plus, your sister told me.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday,
dear Stefani

Happy birthday to you

Hey, Angie.

Are you two
still together?

No, we're not together.

He's just trying to be a better
father, take some parenting classes.

He just started.

I see you.

You think you're funny, punk? What'd
I tell you about hiding from me?

Quit hiding from me.
You think you're funny?


This is a gasoline-powered
mini-Ninja motorcycle.

Oh, my God, Carl.

You bought a motorcycle
for a one-year-old?

That is crazy.
- Really crazy.

That's exactly
what she wanted! Yay!

That's great.

Kate, let me give
your baby my mojo.

Well, time is love.
Got to run.


I love
this episode.

Special thanks to SergeiK.