Because I Said So Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Because I Said So script is here for all you fans of the Diane Keaton and Mandy Moore movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Because I Said So quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Because I Said So Script

Look at you.

- Look over here. Okay, great, great.
- All right, let's do this.

Do you like my new dress?
Okay, ready?

All right, say "cheese. "

Oh, wait. Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Maybe it's just me, but can
I just say, why "cheese"?

I know it's not your fault, obviously
you didn't make it up, but please,

it makes us look like
pod people.

How about something
more snapshot like?

Au naturel.

That's good.
I think we've got it, though, don't you?

I'm living the dream
over here.

Honey, did you see that young
man Cousin Dougy brought with him?

He's been staring
at you all afternoon.

Don't destroy the cake.
I used fresh tangerines.

Can you taste it
in the frosting?

Has he really? It's delicious.
Yeah, God, his eyes are gorgeous.

They're kind.
And they're gorgeous. Go on.

I'll go over.
You will?

Okay. All right.

Oh, but, honey.

Just don't do that thing
you do. What thing, Mom?

Oh, you know that little
thing. It's no big deal.

That, you know, when you're
insecure, you're self-conscious,

that little very loud,
nervous laugh?

Honey, it's adorable, but...

Oh, God, look, there she goes.
Oh, look.

Oh, I know, we see it.

She only buttons the part
she can see in the mirror.

At least she shaves more than the front of
her legs now, she's got almost the whole...


Okay, it's going...
It's okay.


Uh-oh. Kiss of death.

- It was so...
- You're beautiful.

- Are we going to do the picture?
- All right, let's do this.

Let's just do it, okay?

This time I think
we should pose.

I think we should
pose for one.

Oh, wait a minute, wait. Hold on for
just one second, okay? Where's Mil?

Oh, God, how did we
lose her?

Milly? Where are you?

I'm upstairs,
with Uncle Harold's nephew.

The politically-active
open-hearted journalist?

Mil, let me get your sisters
in on this.

Maggie, what do you do?

You hit "Speaker," Mom.

No, no, I know.
Okay, I knew that, but...

No, but the one
that says "speak. "

- Mil, we're here, we're all here.
- Hi.

So how's it going?

It's good.
It's good.

The only thing is

I think he may have
a hot dog with a bun.

Are you having a picnic? What?

No. Uncircumcised is back in.

You know that guy I dated
before Derek, he had a...

And I preferred it because
it was so much more dramatic.

When it finally made its
appearance, you were like...

What's in there?

Just stop it for a second.
Just a little...

This is your wedding.
All right.

Honey, just remember, he's
accomplished and he's considerate.

And don't forget, you have one
breast smaller than the other.

Thank you, Mom. God.

Wait, didn't he get back
together with his wife?

Oh, no.

Well, Milly, congratulations
on your first wedding.

Let's hope it's the first
of many. Cheers.

All right.

A little thyme, remember?
For hope.

And they say lavender
for remembrance.

But my grandmother
preferred marigolds

'cause she said it made you
remember only the good stuff.

I feel like making love to you

My God. All right,
we gotta cut off the champagne

and get some food in their
stomachs before there's an encore.

Let's go ahead and get the
entrées ready, all right?

Thank you.

Not a good time.

Honey, I was just thinking
about that brilliant

but went-overboard-with-the-teeth-bleaching
flute player from Ohio.

Yup, he actually stopped
by work to surprise me.

- Hey.
- How sweet.

He's getting to know
my staff as we speak.

I guess I was wrong.
I mean, I had him pegged

for one of those guys who
wants you till he's got you

and then doesn't think twice about
sleeping with your best friend.

You know, that kind of guy.

No, no, Mom. He's great.
Beautiful, beautiful.

You know, Mom, I gotta go.
We're about to serve the entrées.

And I wore those shoes
that we just bought,

no wonder they were on sale,
my feet are killing me.

I'm gonna call you when I get
home, okay? I love you, bye.


You have no messages.


That's it, Cooper.

Whose idea was this? A Korean spa?

- Mine.
- Oy.

Ma, why do you wear
the high-tops?

I just got these.
What's wrong with these?

They're just kind of

They're kind of something
you would wear in a hospital.

Wait a sec, I'll have
you know, young ladies,

that this underwear
enhances the female form,

highlighting the elegance of the waist
and making the legs appear longer,

instead of the...
Well, I'm sorry to say this,

but the awful, you know,
foreshortening aspect of a thong,

which breaks up
the body disproportionately.

Mom, come on, for your 60th
birthday, we're gonna break you down

and we're gonna buy you
something beautiful,

something that Grandma Moses
would not wear.

Yes, you are.
And speaking of your birthday,

we've talked about possibly,

like, a really small party. We
feel you should have a party.

Not a big one.
Just intimate.

Something very sophisticated.

Because it's a really big
milestone for you, Mom.

No. Misses, no. Absolutely no. Misses...

No, I'm not going to talk about it,
we're not going to think about it

and certainly I'm not gonna not celebrate
the fact that my life is basically over.

But I did find a recipe

for a butterscotch buttercream
cake that is to die for.

We got her.
Totally got her.

Massage naked.
Take all clothes off.

No. Not now, pal. No.


Whose idea was this?

Which one of you could possibly
think that I would ever enjoy this?

No, it was not. It was so you.

Just you wait.


Hi, babe.


Honey, I'm worried about you.

It's not sad sobbing. I
promise, Mom, I'm fine, I'm fine.

It's just the pressure point
reflex thing.


What kind of oil
would you like?

Oh, wakana oh yulike
to you too.

What? It's a greeting.

Hey, wait. What are you...
What are you...

What are you doing here now?
Hey, that's the head. That's...

Soft to hard. Soft to hard.

God damn it.

Oh, my God.

Girls, she's not back
with Rafferty, is she?

She doesn't want to
talk about it, Mom.

I knew it. I thought we got rid of that
pathologically ambivalent narcissist

three years ago when he almost
stood you up at Mae's wedding.

Well, you know what, Mom?

He's never gonna
stand me up again

because he's been sleeping
with my ex-boyfriend.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, God.

- I could kill him.
- Oh, God.

You deserve somebody
who wants you,

somebody who's as good
and as kind as you are.

Why do you always
have to put me down?

I'm not putting you...
Yes, you are.

Love is supposed to make you
feel good about yourself.

You shouldn't have to
settle for crumbs.

Okay, okay. I know.
I'm an idiot, okay?

- I'm done. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- No, no. No.

All right. You're the
psychologist in the family.

What do you think we should do
about your sister?

I swear, with men,
she's like psychotic flypaper.

They're either gay, married,
unavailable or out of their minds.

No, Mom, you have to leave her alone.
You have to quit making her so insecure.

She had the least
amount of time with Dad

who wasn't exactly
a great male role model.

And stop being a helicopter,
Mom, you're hovering.

You're right, you're right.

I'm gonna back off,

I'm gonna give her some space
to sort things out for herself.



If only I could choose
for her.

No. That is so...

That is so
Fiddler on the Roof.

Your parents
didn't choose for you.

Yeah, but maybe
they should have.

You know what I think?
I think you're fixating on her

to avoid dealing with this very
big birthday you have coming up.

I am not fixating on her.

Is it crazy for me
to want her to have

one healthy relationship
in her life?

I mean, come on,
if she keeps up this pattern

of wrong choice
after wrong choice...

I mean, okay, one thing
when you're in your 20s,

but 20 years later,
it's not so pretty.


I don't...

I don't want her to end up

You know what I realize?

I give up the search. I don't
need anybody. I mean, look at Mom.

She's been single most of her adult
life and she's lived a great life.

So you know what? I'm going
to be just like you, Mom.

Just like you.

Milly, you are gonna
thank me for this later.


"Adult Friend Finder. "

"Over 14 million members. "
Well, that's a very good sign.

I like how they use
the word "friend. "

Friendship is the cornerstone
of any good relationship.

Oh, my God. Oh, sorry, Coop. I'm
sorry, honey. Wait, okay. Wait. Shoot.

Eat my dick.

No, no, no. Be quiet, okay? Gone,
gone. All goney, right? Gone.

Cooper, quiet.

Gateway customer support.
May I help you?

Mr. Online Support?

Yeah, no. What's happened is my
computer has apparently frozen.

No, I was just doing a little bit
of pre-Christmas online shopping.

Why do you need to know
what site I'm on?

Oh, my God.

God darn.

Hello, is this We Match 4 You?

"Let me preface this ad by saying if you
are a nut job, pervert or fruitcake, move on.

"Nudists, mama's boys, the
sexually confused need not apply. "

"Anarchists, xenophobes, philistines,
masochists, sexists, bigots not welcome. "

I know it's $5 a word.
No, well, don't worry.

I'm not that talky.

So let's just take it from
page two. "Chronically itchy. "

"I'm looking for someone with a
steady job who knows the value of work.

"That does not exclude
the independently wealthy. "

Okay, hope that goes out...

Polka dots. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I like it.

I like it, I like it.


Hi. You must be Daphne Wilder.
It's so nice to meet you.

Let's date your daughter.

I'll just dig in real quick,
'cause I'm hypoglycemic,

'cause otherwise my blood sugar hits
the ground and... You know? Okay.

I was just wondering what you think the
cornerstone of any good relationship is?

What is in there?

So why don't you just free associate,
okay? I say marriage, you say...

I say marriage.

No, no, I say marriage and...
I say marriage.

Right, but that's not what
I meant. I meant that...



I have a slight allergy
to dander and nut meats.

Okay, done,
thank you very much.

It's been wonderful meeting you. Thank you.

Appreciate it, yeah. Right.
Thank you very much. Okay, yeah.

If I say marriage,
then what do you say?

Vera Wang.

Your name is?


I've already got a woody.


How old did you say you were?

My name is Dr. Iris McDunna.

I'm sorry, I'm right in the
middle here, Iris. I know.

I read your ad, "You'll
know me by my polka dots. "

I'm a licensed psychologist and
I wanted to offer you my services.

I wanted to suggest
that as a mother,

you attend, free of charge,
one of my Letting Go seminars.

Hi. I think we were
supposed to meet now.

Yeah. Oh, that's...


Right. That is so...

Iris, I'm so sorry.
I can't afford to be rude.

I'll leave you my card.

Thank you so terribly much.

God. Thank you, whoever you
are. I'll have another. Another.

I really don't think I can't
get through another one of these

without being
heavily medicated.

That bad, huh?

Yeah. Like...


And I like that you're going
for a younger guy.


No, no, no.
That ship's docked.

No. No, this is
for my daughter.

Let me get this straight. So
you're meeting these guys for her?


So she's cool with you
doing this for her, then.

Maybe you should just
go play your guitar.

She doesn't know, does she?


I wouldn't be here if it weren't
for the fact that Milly is...

She's at a crossroads
in her life.

Another hard left
and I really...

She's like this person who's too
sensitive. You know what I mean?

She's an innocent.
She's a pushover.

I'm usually not this

I mean, actually, I consider
myself a reasonably sane mother.

Well, yeah,
it is a crazy love, though.

I mean, who's to say I wouldn't
do the same for my own kid?


Excuse me. I'm Jason Grant.
I don't mean to interrupt.

I've been waiting
over by the bar,

but I only have so much time
before I have to get back to work.

I just wanted to
ask you about your family.

Yeah, well, my dad is an engineer
who was always a closet architect.

And I grew up with a love of old
buildings. I know what you mean.

So I suppose I became the architect
that he always dreamed of being.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, thank you, dear Lord.

Can I order you something?

You know, actually it turns
out I'm so not hungry at all.

Let me get you the funghi chitarrina misto.
It's the best-kept secret in the city.

Can we have two orders
of that, please?

And a bottle of the
Castellare Chianti Poggiale.

If you insist, huh?
No, I do, I do.

Do you mind my asking why a man like
you hasn't found a woman already?

Well, I'll admit
I'm a bit of a workaholic.

It's a very important time
in my career right now.

I've found women
but just not the right one.

A lot of great "almosts"
out there.

Oh, yeah, a lot of "almosts. "


You speak Italian, huh?

No, I fake Italian.

I'd really love to learn it.

You know, Milly happens to be
a phenomenal cook.

She's always wanted to take
a cooking tour of Italy.

Oh, wow, I was gonna go
there this fall. Really?

But it's a crazy time
for me right now.

My company is celebrating
their tenth anniversary.


You're gonna need
a caterer then.

I mean, those kinds of occasions
should be marked, don't you think?

You are good. So James Bond.

Well, it was a pleasure
to meet you, Daphne Wilder.

Well, Jason, my pleasure.

Gotta love a woman
in polka dots.

Not everyone can pull it off.
Thank you.



Oh, my God.

Oh, yes.

And the winner is?

Duh. Hands down,
bachelor number 17.


Oh, I don't trust that guy.

That guy was playing you
like a slide guitar.

He was not.

He's a very stable,
responsible, mature young man.

He has empty eyes.

They were not empty. And who am
I supposed to choose anyway, huh?

Who do you think is better?


I like you.

And I have an odd instinct that I'd
like her too. Maybe I should meet her.

Let me be perfectly honest
with you, okay?

You're a very charming guy,
irresistible, in fact.

And that's why I know you
would be a horrendous choice

because I'm not looking for a
great affair for my daughter.

You know, like, gorgeous musician
who's gonna break her heart.

I'm looking for
a life partner.

That's great. Thanks.

Yeah, no, I love being reduced to a
cultural cliché. That's just terrific.

Because only musicians
break people's hearts. Wow.


It's not the only place
I have them.

Well, look,
you're a great guy.

I hope you have a great life.

But I have to do
what's best for my daughter.

Yeah, of course you do,

but maybe you don't know
what's best for your daughter.

I beg your pardon?

Maybe you do.

Maybe I do.

Nice to meet you, Daphne.

Pleasure. Pleasure.

Here we are.

Almost here.

Yeah, we've landed. We're
in heaven. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Look. Oh, God.
Mil, look at this.

Mom, it's polka dots. It's so Minnie
Mouse. I don't even know if I like it. Do I?

I'm hearing you hate it.

Me, too.
Oh, please, just try it on.


Because I said so.

Honey, look,
it might surprise you.

Anyway, you look beautiful in dresses.
In fact, you know what I think?

I think that you should wear it
to that catered affair on Sunday.

To work? Mom,
I spill things all the time.

Oh, come on, just try it on.
All right.

Okay. That's incredible.

It's not really me at all.

What are you talking about?
It is totally you.

Well, it's sort of
more you in a way.

You know what it is, it's kind of
Aunt Jemima meets Betty Crocker.

You know, that's ridiculous.

Come on, sweetie,
you know what I'm going to do?

I made up my mind.
I'm going to get it for you.

No, no, no. You're not
getting me this dress.

I don't even like it
and it's absurd for work.



Excuse me.

These meatballs
are my mom's recipe.

Fantastic, I recommend
everybody try some.

I love that shade of orchid.


Thank you, Matisse.

The chicken satay has got a really
unique flavor. What'd you use?

It's cumin. I'm so sorry,
I can't really chat right now.

You guys, the chocolate
waterfall's not in the right spot.

Oh, no, we can't have that.

You know what? Let's just go ahead
and just shift everything over

so it frames the temple doors.
Thank you.

Yeah. That's the perfect spot.

So, you like the building?

I actually think
it's a little cold.

I'm Jason Grant.
I'm the architect.

Milly. Nice to meet you.

Come on, Mom.
Pick up the phone.

Oh, Daphne. Here we go. Hello.

Oh, Mom, hi, it's me.

I have to tell you the
most amazing thing happened.

This guy at work
asked me out.

He did?
Yes, he's so cute.

Mom, he's an architect. We're
gonna go out Saturday night.

Oh, you are? I'm just so
excited. I'm so excited.

Milly, well, that is really great,
sweetie. That is so darn great.

It's great, right?

Mom, he's so cute, I can't even
believe that it's happening to me.

And he loved the polka dots.
Thank you.

Oh, yeah?
Thank you Mom. Yes.

Well, honey, it's just,
I guess, dumb luck.

You're the best. I love you.


Coop, come on!


Hello, Jason, this is Bond.

James Bond. Call me.
I'm hearing rave reviews.

All right, I just pulled up.
I'm walking in.

It's okay. Don't worry.
I'm here, I'm here.

Sorry, sorry.

No, no, they're not angry.

They're not... Hold on. Sorry.

They're just... They're
probably hungry or something.

Feed them the spring rolls
from the Adams wedding

and the sauce
from the Levy wedding.

All right, I'm walking in.
Okay, bye.

There's a lot of static
out there.

You can say that again.

There's a lot of static
out there.

You know it's caused by a
lack of humidity in the air

that causes an imbalance of the
positive and negative charges.

You know, ice cream is known to cut
the static cling in 98% of most cases.

I love ice cream,
but I'm really late to work.

And I'm so sorry.
Nice tattoo, though.

What flavor?

Why don't you get me
your favorite?

Why don't I get your favorite?


I'll have the Fudgsicle.

Oh, no, no. The Dreamsicle.

Wait. Is that
the tall rainbow one

that's really embarrassing to
eat, but it's really, really good?

Okay. Never mind.

I will have the Dreamsicly one
that has the green wrapper

with the Japanese writing
on it.

Thank you.

I'm really beginning to feel like
I'm never going to meet anyone

and it's making me
feel hopeless.

Well, as I've said before, Stuart,
Sheila was a huge loss, but that was 1993.

Oh, it's still so fresh.

This makes me feel like
when I was in the 2nd grade,

and I walked around with a booger in
my nose all day and nobody told me.

Why didn't they tell me?

Well, more to the point, why didn't
Sheila tell you she was unhappy?

Oh, God, this is making me
feel nauseous.

Maybe I should change
my appointment time

from Thursdays at 3:to Mondays at 1:00.

No, Stuart,
we've tried that before.

You had Fridays at 1:and Tuesdays at 11:00.

It really didn't help
your hypoglycemia.

Now let's focus
on where we ended last time.

Meeting new people,

joining an adult-education
class or a book club.

I did go to an
Internet dating service.

Good for you.
That's very brave.

It was a nightmare,
Dr. Wilder-Decker.

It made me want to kill myself,
even more than the last time.

Wow. Well, what triggered
those feelings, Stuart?

This mother put an ad out looking for a
mate for her daughter and I answered it.

A mate for her daughter?

Stuart, some people
really shouldn't have kids.

I guess I didn't pass the test because
she made me feel about this big.

Well, I wouldn't worry
about that, Stuart.

Imagine how screwed up
any daughter of hers would be.

And then when I pressed her as to why
I couldn't meet her precious daughter,

do you know what she said? I
really hear it didn't go well.

"Because I said so.
That's why. "

Mother, how could you? When
are you planning on telling her?

Well, why does
she need to know?

I mean as long as she's happy,
that's all that's important.

And, my goodness, who knows?

This architect could be
the real magilla.

As I've always said,

"God couldn't be everywhere, and
that is why he made mothers. "

What? That was on
a Hallmark card we gave you,

and Milly thought
it was too corny.

Don't you dare tell her, Maggie, or you
and I are gonna have some serious issues.

Well, we already have
some serious issues, Mom.

Always so dramatic.

Mother, this is like 6th grade
drama club. Speak English.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, hi, honey.

Oh, Mom.

I was just in the neighborhood
and I thought I'd drop by.

Okay, Mom. Please,
you have to start calling me.

I have a date that's
on his way over right now.

Oh, but Milly,
you look so beautiful.

Are you sure you want to
wear that dress, though?

It was such a hit the first time. I know,

but don't you think you ought
to mix it up a little bit?

What for? Well, okay, you know, you're right.

You're right. It looks perfect
on you and everything about it.

I'm just sort of wondering, if maybe
you ought to button those buttons.

No, no, I like it like this.

Milly, you look like
you're asking for it.

I am asking for it.

Okay, all right, I'll pretend
I didn't hear that.

All right, what are you
going to do with your hair?

I already did it.

Oh, of course you did.
Sure you did.

And you're making cookies too?
That's about the sweetest touch.

No, actually, I just want the house to
smell like cookies when he gets over here.

Mom, it's 6:49, look. And he's
supposed to be here at 7:00.

You have to go, please, please,
please. Okay. I can take a hint.

It's not a hint. Mom, go.
All right.

Oh, he's here. He's here.

Okay, you gotta go.
All right.

You gotta go please, Mom, Mom.
All right.

But wait, sweetie. Just
have a good time. Okay.

Feel free to be yourself, but
remember... I love you, but you gotta go.

...don't be too, you know, forthcoming
with all your failed relationships.

Okay, I got it.

And sweetie, sweetie.
I love you.

Keep that mystery alive. I love
you. I love you for some reason.


I'm going to pull my hair out.
What? What, what?

I know, I know.
Just one more little thing.

I don't know, Mom, I gotta go.
He's here. I want you to wear this.

Oh, my God. Grandma's diamond? Yeah.

Put it on me, put it on me.

I want to wear it tonight.
All right.

I know. I know, he's coming.

Don't worry. Here we go.

Mom, you never let any of us
wear this. It's so special.

So special.
Thank you.


May it bring you luck with the architect.
Your sisters and I will expect a full report.


I'll give it to you tomorrow
night after I go out with him.

Tomorrow night?
Yeah, yeah.

I'm going out with
another great guy tonight.

He's taking me to Luna Station
to hear some music.

You are?
Can you believe that, Mom?

It's like I gave up,
I stopped trying

and the universe brought me
two amazing guys.

Great, right? Wow.
Whoa, that's so great.

It's one of those
amazing things, huh?

All right, sweetie. Well now, bye. Bye-bye.

Go, go.

Go, Mother, go.


It was either this or roses.

Thank you.

Come on in.



Really seem to have such a different
approach and attitude towards life

that people don't really
get here as much, I think.

Okay, don't worry. We're gonna
get a quick look at who he is

and then we're gonna go home

and finish watching Gary
Cooper in Love in the Afternoon.

Come on, man.
Okay. Yes. Yeah.

Okay. Go, go, baby.
Okay, okay.

Come on.

Coop, Coop, everything's okay,
sweetie. Where the heck am I?

God. Okay. Oh, jeez.

Okay. Let me just...
Okay, I'll turn this. Okay.

Welcome, what is your destination?

Luna Station.

Your address is...
Is, okay, what?

...1242 Amherst Boulevard.

So where is Amherst?

Continue north 2.4 miles
and then east.

Well, where is north?
The left?

Continue north
2.4 miles then east.

Give me a left.
Give me a right. Left. Right.

Something like...

Please. For God's sake.

You know what you are?
Continue north 2.4 miles...

I'll tell you what you are.
... and then east.

You are redundant.

Continue north 2.4 miles and then
east. And it's a horrible quality.

You awful machine.
Continue, continue...

And that's for you.
I'm sorry, command too loud.

Are you guys ready to rock?

- Yeah.
- All right.

Let's play something
for Milly over there.

A little blues in E, okay?

One, two, three, four.

Now we're coming up on the A.

Molly, that sounds terrific.

I feel really bad.

No, no, I would have done the same thing
if one of my staff had called in sick.

It's only gonna be
20 more minutes.

It's just that they memorized
an E progression

and that is a major feat
for them.


Yeah, I'll be right back.

Go, Nicky.


A little bit harder
over there.

Strum a little bit closer,
up here.

That sounds really nice.

Well, thank you, teacher.

Actually, I love to sing.
My whole family loves to sing.

And when I was younger, I always
wanted to take piano lessons,

but my mom was struggling
so much supporting us all

that I just felt
way too guilty to ask.




Play what you were playing
before. It sounded really good.


I'm no good, but okay.

Try it.

Like that?

All righty.

I'll take it up here.

We'll meet in the middle.

It's down there.

How about I come close to you?

I don't mind.

All right.

Why are there a lot of ducks
in Venice?

Ten ducks are swimming
down the canal

and one says,
"This place is quacked. "

That's terrible.

No, that's really cute,

It's very cute.

This is me. Come on in.

I love this. It's so cozy.

So comfy.

Three, two, one, blast off.

I'm in orbit. I'm in orbit.

Okay, Lionel, let's... All
right. Okay, come back here.

Let's start winding down
for bed, all right?

Who are you?
What planet do you hail from?

This is Milly from planet Milly.
This is Lionel from planet Johnny.

Hi, Lionel,
it's very nice to meet you.

You have a 'gina.

I have a what?

I have a penis.
You have a 'gina.

Okay, buddy, give me
a break here, okay?

Can I see it?

Lionel. Lionel.

- Lionel.
- Dad?


This is Milly.

Joe Dresden. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Sorry. It's moon dust.

It's okay.

Well, excuse me.
It's usually just us guys.

Johnny hasn't brought home a gal
in, God, I don't know how long.

Great, I'm getting it
from both sides.


Come on, buddy, let's you
and me go in the other room.

These guys are boring.
Nope, nope, nope.

What'd you have
for lunch today?

Baloney sandwich.

I'm not the baloney.
Yes, you are.

I think we got him. There we go. We got him.

We'll see you.


Oh, my God.

Mr. Grant. This way.
Hey, man, how you doing?

This is so amazing.

It's really unbelievable.

This is so great.
It's beautiful.

It's great.

I love this angle on the city.

I never knew this existed.

So what's good here?

Well, I hope you don't mind,
but knowing your love of food,

I didn't want you to
miss these.


No, no, no, that's great

'cause I make decisions
all day long.

You know, the Gillespies'
daughter is allergic to chocolate,

but she wants a brown cake,

My lease is up on my car, do I get a
hybrid? 'Cause I really believe in them

but I don't know if it's time
to switch insurance, it's...

What I mean is, it's very nice
to not have to think for a change.

Well, last time I was in Italy, I was
in Siena, and they make this wine there,

and this is the only place
in the city that serves it.

You've been to Siena, right? Oh,
well, of course, I haven't. No.

Are you kidding?

Wouldn't it be fun to drink
our way through Tuscany?

It'd be amazing.

God, this calamari is so...

Is that City Hall? God, I love old
buildings. You know, the attention to...

Not that I don't love modern
architecture 'cause I totally do.

It's so bold,
but you know what I mean.

Who wants to live
in all that concrete?

And yet, you know, the Zen of clean
minds, that kind of Asian simplicity,

living without
all the clutter, is great.

This view is amazing.
My mom would love this view.

Oh, yeah?

Does she have good taste?


Now I know that this is
the part of the evening

where I'm supposed to sit
way over here in this chair.

But can I jump five spaces
and pass "Go"?

Well, "can" implies
"are you capable. "

"May" asks the question.

Milly, may I?

Yes, you may.

Milly, may I kiss you?

I'm sorry. Could you hold
that thought for a second?

I have to, like...


Well, I just got that new conference call
feature, so we thought we'd try it out.

Hey, Milly.

Hi, how's it going?
Yes. He's a great kisser.

- Wonderful. Isn't that great, girls?
- Yeah.

That's so much better than...
Remember that Ted guy?

He seemed to have
a lot of potential,

then he ended up having, like, lizard tongue.

Oh, yeah.

And as I remember,
an over-intake of Mentos

which didn't cover
the buffalo wing breath.

That's disgusting, Mae.

Though, as I recall,
those kisses bombed upstairs,

but had a certain finesse

I remember that.
Yes, downstairs and...

I don't want to hear it.

Guys, all right, I gotta
go kiss. I gotta go kiss.

Okay, I gotta go too.

Me three.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Feels good.




Are you there?


What, honey?

Are you okay?

What, honey?
No, yeah. I'm fine.

No, wait. Mom,
what's that sound?

Well, Cooper's in heat.
Good night.

Cooper's a boy. Mom?

He wants potato pancakes
in the shape of footballs

with Gandalf's face
on them in sour cream.

We can do that.
You start, though.


Hi. Wow.

Lionel helped picked these.
He wanted you to know.

Oh, my gosh. Thank you so
much. Lionel, they're beautiful.

And you know what? You can
actually eat these flowers.

They're really good in salads.

Although, when I was your age,
I didn't like anything green.

And now I've learned to love

spinach... Now if she could just stop talking

for five seconds.
... Brussels sprouts, broccoli.

Oh, I got it,
I got it, I got it.

No, we'll get it.
I got it.

Hey, Lionel, come on, you wanna
help us eat the centerpiece?

Can I, Dad?

Yeah, yeah.
Go ahead. Go crazy.


If you don't, I will.

There was a lot going on
the other night.

And I didn't get to tell you about
Lionel's unique rhythm and I'm sorry...

Oh, gosh, no, it's fine. I
actually feel a kinship with him.

You know he can't stop running
around and I can't stop talking.

I kind of think you're gonna
have your hands full.

They said it couldn't be done,
but I did it.

How was your date with the...

Oh, my gosh, Mom...

Mom, this is Johnny. Johnny,
this is my mom, Daphne.

Hi. Oh.


Lionel. Johnny's son.

John, is it?

Lionel. Come on, buddy.


Lionel, come on here now.

- Pardon me.
- Johnny. That's Johnny.

Lionel, that's so cute.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, Mom.

The delivery man's here.
Is this menorah-esque?

Mom, I don't even know
if this is good.

Find something Hobbit-like. I
don't have anything Hobbit-like.

We should try
and make this work, though.

They're never gonna never know
it's from Gelson's.

Oh, wait, wait.
I used this for Jason's party.

Jason has such
nice eyes. Okay.

Thank you.

Happy Bar Mitzvah,
Josh Greenberg.

How do you know Jason has
such nice eyes?

Does he? Oh, that's so sweet. He
seems like a very special person.

What if we try that new vase
on the coffee table?

He is nice. But actually, they both
are. Oh, I'm sure they both are.

But in terms of who you
wanna get serious with,

that Johnny, at least from what I can
see, can't even get his life together.

But I'm gonna stop, all right?
You know what's wrong?

The couch is
in the wrong place. Look.

I got an idea.

So we'll move the couch. Which
way? Let's move it this way.

Here we go.

That's so good. Okay, there
we go. I think it's good.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God, look at that.

It's so great. It, like,
completely opens the room up.

So very, very, very good.
I love it.

The only thing is... Can
I just say this? What?

We haven't tried the couch by
the window. I think we should.

All right. I don't even know if
I see it here. Okay. Oh, gosh.

Just a second. Hello?

You have the wrong number.
Yeah. There is no J. Bond here.

FYI, the Eagle has landed.

Yeah, the hen is in the house. Repeat,
the hen is in the house. Right now.

All right, honey?

Mil, if we push this
five inches to the left,

I swear it's gonna
transform your life.

You really think so?
I wouldn't lie to you.

All right.
Come on, let's go.

Okay, on three.

One, two, three.

Hey, it's Milly, leave me
a message. This way. Mom?

Hey, Milly. It's Jason.
I was thinking about you

and I wanted to say what...
Pick it up. Answer it.

Does he sound wonderful or what?
Why don't you wanna talk to him?

I do wanna talk to him. I just don't
wanna do it in front of you, all right?

Come on, Milly,
I mean I don't...

I got us tickets to the Music
Center Friday night for La Bohème.

La Bohème. Oh, come on,
sweetie, I love La Bohème.

Just pick up the phone. Mom,
I don't want to talk to him.

It's a really interesting production...
Mil, Mil, pick up the phone.

Mom, stop. No, no, no,
don't pick up the phone.

Here, take it. Say yes.
Stop, stop.


Yeah, I'm great.

Oh, great. Yeah, okay.


That sounds really great.

Yeah, great. Okay.

All right.
Okay, I'll talk to you soon.

Okay, great. Bye.

He obviously adores you.

You think so?
Oh, God, and who wouldn't?

But, hon, are you aware of how many
times you used the word "great"?

These candlesticks gotta go.

No, no, no. I like them.
They're staying. They're great.

Milly, you know how much I hate to
meddle, but I once had the choice

between a mature, responsible
young man like Jason,

and your father, who, of
course, I was infatuated with.

And to this day...
Okay, okay.

You know what?

To be fair, you're reading a lot into
a guy that you've met for ten minutes.

Truth be told, that Johnny has
heartbreak written all over his face.

No, no, no. Truth be told, you
know absolutely nothing about him.

And know what, Mom? I gotta go
'cause I'm getting my bangs cut.

No, no, you go ahead.

No, that's okay, you go ahead.


Cut your bangs and quit
hiding your incredible eyes.

To be truthful, you know nothing
about him. He's actually a good parent.

Hiding your incredible eyes.
I can't do this.

Milly, I love you and you may be
brilliant, but you're not smart.

I just want you to
have a full, beautiful life.

Do I not have a life, Mom?
Because I thought I had a life.

No. No, you have a career,
you have a car

and you have a loft
you pay way too much rent for.

That's not a life.

Milly, I'm your mother. I love
you enough to tell you the truth.

Your version of the truth, Mom. No. No.

The truth is, happiness
is a series of choices.

It's not something
that just sort of happens.

One wrong decision
can change your whole life.

There's still time, Mom.

Not if you waste
another minute of it.

I mean for you.

And I don't say
"great" too much.

This is great.
This is great.

The view is great.
The night is just so great.

You warm enough?
You wanna go inside?

No, no, no, I'm fine.
I'm nice and toasty.

Okay, all right.

And don't you just love my mom's
orange blossom cheesecake? So good.

Get a big bite.

It's great, right?

It's superb, which is a synonym for
great, if you're ever looking for one.

You know, you're cold.
Let's go inside.

You get the candle,
I'll get the rest.

Let me grab that.

Be careful with that. I'm
sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, my gosh, please tell me
where I can get you another one...

You can't.
It's my great-grandmother's.

Oh, my God. Jason.

I don't know
what to say. I'm sorry.

Please, I'm just,
I've been so out of it lately.

My alarm clock didn't go off
today and that's why I was late

and I've just been so stressed
with the Greenberg Bar Mitzvah,

but that's a whole...

You just seem really angry.


I'm great.


I promise you they're the
best chocolate soufflés ever.

Well, they better be.
They're worth it.


Oh, my gosh, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

Hey, it's all right.
That's all right.

I'm sorry. I bumped into,
like, a parking meter yesterday

and I'm always breaking stuff.

Why are you apologizing?
It isn't even your fault.

Lionel, put some shoes on before
you come back in here, all right?

Look, I know he can be a lot and it gets
a little crazy around here sometimes.

But here you are making us chocolate
soufflés and you're apologizing.

Sometimes, I think you let people
make you feel bad about yourself.

Yeah, like you are right now?

What is going on
with us today?

We're having an off day,
that's all.

What are you doing?
I'm leaving.

I'm leaving because
you're miserable

and we're having a bad day.
You just admitted it.

No, I said "off day. "

And, yes,
we've had better days,

and I'm sure we'll have
a few hundred more weird ones

if we stay together. So what?

Give me your hand.

What? I'm going to try something here.

What are you doing?
Just a little something.


The soufflés are done.
No, the timer didn't go off.

No, no. I feel it.
I feel it. Watch.

Those look beautiful.
Thank you.

The one thing I can
actually do right.

You have perfect timing.
Thank you.

Come here.

Don't apologize.

He has this way
of calming me down.

A huge plus.

But then the whole
Lionel thing.

I just worry and wonder, would
I be a good mother to him?

Don't worry.
It's not genetic.

They've been through
so much, though,

with Lionel's mom, like, freaking out
and splitting when he was so young.

I don't know, not that we're anywhere
near talking about any of this yet.

Just the fact that you're
wondering, though. God.

I mean the fact is you don't know
either of these guys that well.

Who knows if Jason
even wants to have kids?


Four kids.

And I wanna name the first
one Charlie after my father

and that works
if it's a boy or a girl.

Then I want to design a huge
Craftsman house for the whole brood.

The exhibit's in here.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't let me in
the museum. Too many breakables.

Don't worry. They're insured.

Hey, listen.

I'm sorry I lost my temper
with you the other day.

You felt bad enough already.

I can be a real ass
and I hate that about myself.

Another family heirloom.

He buys jewelry. Well, it's
a no-brainer. He's the one.

- He felt remorse, Mae.
- Well, that's a lovely quality.

No, he knew he should feel
remorse. Oh, my God, Milly.

Those empanadas are amazing.

They're gonna be perfect for
Mom's party. Oh, my party.

Mom, what about these for
your party? Oh, shoes, please.

Why are you making such a big
deal over this dreaded event?

Why are we celebrating
my descent into oblivion?

Come on, Mom. It's not
that bad. Snap out of it.

Well, I mean, it is a milestone, and
actually, I am taking stock of my life

and trying to find some
peace and quiet in my old age,

so, Milly, will you please
bring Jason to the party?

I would just love to meet him.
That's all I'm asking.

I understand, but isn't
it my choice who I bring?

I think it is.
Thank you.

All right.



Oh, my God.

Mom, Eli says that's what
I say right before I...

No kidding? Me, too.

And, you know, it was funny,

the other night, we hadn't had
sex in so long, by the third one,

I was setting off the car
alarms in the neighborhood,

and dogs were barking...

Three? Is that normal?

Please. Everyone knows I hold
the record in this family.

Why are you so quiet?

'Cause she's doing the
Oompa-Loompa with two guys, Mom.

Stop it.

Wait a minute.

At this point, are you doing
it with both of them at once?

No. I'm not. Absolutely not.

Honey, I've been thinking
about your situation with Jason.

Mom, I didn't ask for this.
It happened to me.

So move on.

No. It happened to you.

Things have gotten so out of
hand I broke my first bundt cake.

Has anybody seen my G.I. Joe?

Believe me, it's not in here.

I left it on the bed.

...that it happened to you.

You're making me hate you and I
don't ever want to see your face...

With that Johnny...

Happy birthday, Mom.

Happy birthday, Mom.
Happy birthday.

Your favorite butterscotch cake. We made it.

- Well, some of us made it.
- We helped, okay?

It's really yummy. I tried some. All right.

Make a wish, make a wish.
Make a wish, Mom.

Come on, make a wish, make a
wish. Make a wish, make a wish.

Happy birthday.
We love you, Mom.

I'd like to propose a toast.

To the incredibly unique
Daphne Wilder,

the fearless leader of the Wilder
women, who I hope to someday call family.

You've created
a wonderful family,

and I hope when my folks
stop through town,

that Milly'll charm them
as much as she's charmed me.


- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, thank you.

What was that exactly? Did
you know he was gonna do that?

Did he just propose? Because
I think he just proposed.

I think he did.
The question is, to who?

Maggie, stop being a killjoy. All
right, girls, what do you think?

He seems well-read.
He's tall.

Okay, you guys don't like him at
all. Don't listen to your sisters.

For God's sake, sweetie,
do not listen to them.

Here's what I'm thinking.

I'm thinking his parents
are from Connecticut.

They're a little conservative,

so maybe you should
just wear your pleated skirt.

Just this once, honey?

It's just a gesture, just
make them more comfortable.

I understand it's a gesture but,
Mom, this is moving very quickly.

He just said all of this.
It's... Milly, don't fight it.

This is the way
it's supposed to be.

You're just not used
to feeling pursued and adored.

I hate pleated skirts.

Isn't this about the time
we were going to sing?

That's a great idea. Come on, Mils. Yes, yes.

Well, I met him on a Sunday

My voice.

And I missed him on Monday

Not bad. What do you
got going, Mom?

And I dated him Wednesday

I said bye-bye, baby


Milly? Will you take
the soprano?

You know, that's it.
That's it.

No, no. You're so
out of control.

What'd I do this time?

You're forcing me. Jason's
here. You're making me...

So, Jason, can I get you
another one of these?

Will I need one?

Oh, yeah.
They're just getting started.

Who wants lavender ice cream?

No, no, no.
No, no, no.

You're not gonna go. You're
out of control. Milly's right.

I don't know how she can take it.
I can't. I can't take it anymore.

Well, excuse me for just one moment
here. I thought that this was my birthday.

My very big, special birthday.

Yes, Mom. It's your big,
special birthday.

That's how you should remember

you're too old...

Not too old, but too old
to be doing this to Milly.

You're pushing her like you
pushed her into Girl Scouts.

Thank you very much.
I'm not ten years old anymore.

You have to stop.

You have to change
at some point.

Fine. But I just want you girls to
understand something about motherhood, okay?


- Okay?
- Yeah, okay.

I mean, it is the most
impossible love.

You tell me when it ends.
You tell me when it stops.

All I know is, it's absolutely fine for
me to teach you how to walk and talk,

and then you grow up and you head off
in the wrong direction toward a cliff.

And I'm supposed to just
stand there and wave and go,

"Well, kids, good luck. It's Mom.
I'm here. " Well, I can't do that.

What am I supposed to do, huh?

Am I supposed to just put my feet up
at the end of the day and say to myself,

"Well, you know, they're on their
own and she says she's fine. "

Well, you won't be.

Just stop it. God damn it.

You are making me crazy
and you're never gonna change

'cause you don't even know
when you're doing it.

Oh, well, I am gonna stop
as in right now.

So, let me tell you, I am washing
my hands of your emotional problems.

I'm just a visitor with a
limited day pass from here on in.

Oh, my God, I can't even talk.


Oh, my...

She loses her voice and we are
three days from Hungarian flu.

You guys, the last time
I had her at my house,

Derek and I were in therapy for
two months. I can't do it with this.

No, no, no. I know it's my turn
technically, but you cannot...

We can't be in the same room
together right now.

Rock, Paper, Scissor.

Rock, Paper...
Fine, fine, fine.

Hi. Oh, Ma, I'll take that.

We know you're about to get sick,
so we're gonna Rock, Paper, Scissors

to see whose house
you're gonna stay at.

'Cause you know what, Mom?
We all want you to stay.

We're fighting for you.

Let's declare, guys. Please?

Oh, you win, Mils.
That's great.

Have fun, you guys.

What for?

'Cause I'm here with you.
Women prefer him, as a rule.

Shall we take a walk?

Yes, let's.


Where is he now?

"You don't need to
take care of me. "

"Go out and have fun
with Jason. "

No. No. Why?

"Because I said so. "

No. I'm not leaving.

They say dogs feel disoriented
when they get debarked.

You're nice, too.


No, please.

"Now there was a man
who knew how to be a man. "


"There's turkey meatloaf
in the fridge. "

"What's an orgasm feel like?"


I don't know. Amazing, and...


Like being
totally out of control.

Just like...

"No, I wouldn't like that. "

Yes, you would. Oh, Mom, no, no,
no. It's not like being drunk.

It's just satisfying and...

Like you're out of your body,

but you're in your body,
and your toes curl under...

That doesn't sound delicious, I know,
but, God, it's so delicious, Mom.

And you can laugh or cry,
but like a good cry.

I mean, I've cried before.
It's just like...

You know, just...

Oh, my God, I can't believe
I just said that to you.

I'm not explaining it right.
I'm not explaining it right.

Didn't you ever
have one with Dad?

"He said he didn't have all
day and he worked nights. "

Oh, Mom.

"Don't tell your sisters
I asked. "


No, I'm sorry. She can't
come to the phone right now.

Can I take a message?

You're calling about
the personal ad?

Are you sure that you have
the right number?

Yeah, Daphne Wilder.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Just a little belated birthday gift.

You like it?

See, it brought me luck, so I
thought maybe it would bring you luck.

Oh, do you like it, Mom?

Mom? I know.

I know all about
your little ad.

And I think it's so great.

It's so bold
and so brave of you

and finally it shows me that you
heard us at your birthday party.

You're trying to live
your own life.

And I want you to know, Mom,

you don't have to go through the personals
to find love, 'cause that can be so...


Jason's uncle is coming into
town next week with his parents

and he's dying
to meet you, Mom.

Jason says he's, like, the most
amazing guy in the entire world

and I haven't even
really told him about the...

All right, all right, fine.

Why didn't you marry?

I didn't know what the war
was like then.

If I had it to do over again,
I'd marry him.

When I joined up,
I remember...


Is this Milly Wilder's home?

I'm Joe Dresden,
I'm Johnny's father.

Are you Milly's mom?

This is Lionel,
this is Johnny's boy.

"Daphne. "

"Can't talk. "
Well, it's overrated.

Sign? Do you sign?

"Laryingitis. "

Laryngitis. That's the
alternate spelling, I guess.

I know Johnny had a date with Milly
tonight and I was hoping to catch him.

I can't reach him
on his cell phone.

I stupidly misplaced my keys and
I can't get back into our house.

They're beautiful.

Three girls, huh?
And all by yourself.

That couldn't have been easy.

Yeah, yeah, I know,
but still, it had to be tough.

"There's tougher things. "

Yeah, like trying
to give you a compliment.

You know, what could be good for that throat

is a couple of drops
of brandy.

Mine's feeling
a little scratchy, too.

Shall we take a walk?

We could get along.

Couldn't we?

You're sweet.
No, I'm not.

Yes, you're a dear.

What are you
thinking about now?

About how nice it is.
And you're nice, too.

you're so very beautiful.

I'd be very glad to have you
kiss me now if you don't mind.

Women prefer him,
as a rule.

Where is he now?

The boy you're engaged to.
He's dead.

He was killed in the Somme.

Were you engaged long?

Eight years.
We grew up together.

Why didn't you marry? I didn't
know what the war was like then.

If I had it to do over again,
I'd marry him.

When I joined up, I remember
having this silly idea

that he might come
to the hospital where I was.

Now we've got our basic tomato sauce.
I took out about two-thirds of it,

because if there's
any mistake

that American cooks make
when they're cooking pasta,

is that they tend to
over-sauce it.

They put too much stuff on.

In Italy, the main event
is the noodle

and the rest is just the dressing,
very much like we dress salads.

Now, I've got it in there.
I'm allowing it to start...


- Hi.
- Hi.



We were worried sick
about you.

It's nice to see you again, Milly. You, too.

It's a great night, isn't it?

- It's one for the books.
- Yeah.

She has a 'gina, too.


As Grants,

we Grant you health,
we Grant you happiness,

we Grant you someone else
to water your plants.



Reggie's the toast giver.

He's the real talker in the family. I see.

Can somebody get me another
bourbon and soda on the rocks?

Oh, no, no, no,
you can't order bourbon...

They seem to be
hitting it off.

Definitely. Yeah.

Beautiful. I don't think so. And then
I want you to try the buffalo filet

while we're here.

You know, the buffalo was an endangered
species up until a couple of years ago

and now we're eating them.

Isn't this great, Mom?

...and you look out
over the fields

and what you see are herds
of commercial buffalo.

And then you also see
herds of...

I had a great time. Please tell
your parents good night for me, okay?

Good night.
Good night.

Tell me you're not seeing
that guy. Are you, Milly?

Yes, but I don't...

Actually, the "yes"
is all I needed to know.

No, no, no, but the "but"
part's really important too.

But what? Not him.


'Cause he looks like some guy
your mother would love.

Johnny, wait, though.

This is really difficult for me
and I've never been here before.

I don't know how to
navigate this.

Oh, poor thing.
Don't talk to me that way.

Oh, I'm sorry.
What was I thinking?

You're involved with this guy to the
point where you're meeting his family

and I should be careful
how I'm talking to you?

Are you sleeping with him?

I wouldn't say it that way.

Well, what way
would you say it?

Are you going to stop
seeing him?

That pause says it all.
No, it doesn't.

That's not true.
That's not true.

Who are you?
I can't even look at you.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

The train has been delayed.

The train has been delayed. Scusi,
I'm gonna go check on the soufflés.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Jason's finally met such a wonderful girl.

She's so sweet. She has the
loveliest spirit about her.

But I still can't believe
he found her on the Internet.

Not like in our day.

That somehow reminds me

of people writing a phone
number on the bathroom wall.

Sweetie, I think that we should...
Are you dating somebody else?


I just heard your mom
on the phone talk about

how you're dating some girl
you met on the Internet.

Oh, it's nothing
like that at all.

I'm surprised and I don't even
know if I have the right to be,

'cause to be honest,
I feel like I need to tell you

that I'm also dating
somebody else.

Well, first of all, to be honest,
you didn't need to be so honest.

I'm not seeing anyone but you.

But since we're being honest, this is
something that I was saving for later.


My mother's personal ad?

Oh, my God.

You sounded just like her

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Hey, hey, hey. What does it matter how we met?

You and my mom have been
totally scheming

and now I know exactly
why she pushed me on you.

Because she was voting
for you. She found you.

Yeah, and it doesn't
take anything away from us.

What matters is that we did meet
and how good this is between us.

And the truth of that...

The truth? Where's the truth?
Where's the truth?

Because you've been living a lie
and I've been lying to you, Jason.

And it doesn't
change anything.

How does that not
change everything?

Because you're here. I think
you already made your choice.

But if it helps, I'll say it.

Stop seeing him.
Then you and I can get closer.

Close enough to spend the
rest of our lives together.

I knew I had you
the day I met you.

How could you know
something like that?

'Cause you were so nervous,

you laughed like a hyena in that
beautiful polka dot dress of yours.



I'll tell you one thing,

You did not have me
the moment that we met

because I wasn't even sure
that I liked the fact

that your staff talked about you
behind your back at the dessert table.

And, excuse me,
but, truth be told,

I didn't like anything
that you ordered for me

on our first date,
except the calamari.

And okay, fine, yes, it was nice
to not have to think for a change,

but who wants someone
who doesn't think?

Look, and sometimes you laugh when I cry
and say, "Huh?" when I make perfect sense.

And never, ever, in my life have I
burned a chocolate soufflé until now

and that, in and of itself,

oh, my God, should have told me I
don't feel like myself around you.

And I would have decided that a long
time ago if it weren't for my mother.

Because who wants someone
who laughs like a hyena

in a polka dot dress
that my mother made me buy?

I love that dress.

Take her out.


Stuart, this is an emergency.
Well, should I wait?

Let's reschedule.
But I'm suicidal.

Oh, wow, this is making me feel like
when I was the last pick in kickball...

Right and that's exactly
where we'll begin next week.

Maggie, you promised me
after Willie Matthews,

you would never
lie to me again.

Oh, Milly Woo, Milly Boo.

Well, I'm sorry. Mommy made
me promise not to say anything

or she'd be furious.

Mommy made you promise?
Where is your own moral code?

Your adulthood?
Your sisterhood?


I'm feeling rejected by you.

And it's bringing up memories
of summer camp

when Jimmy Feldon and Eric Fishman
both transferred out of my bunk.

I totally understand, Stuart.

Come back today and we'll do a
two-hour session at 3:00 p. m.

Listen, you're right.

I didn't handle this well and
I understand you feel betrayed.

But, really, isn't some of
this anger a little misplaced?

No, no, Maggie. It's placed
exactly where it should be.

And there is plenty to go around, so
don't worry, Mom will be getting hers.


Stuart, I am asking you
to empower yourself and leave.

This could be a huge day
for you, Stuart.

This makes me feel like when I was
13 and no one came to my bar mitzvah.

Why didn't they come?
I don't get it.

Stuart, you have
a blood sugar problem, okay?

Just get some lunch,
you'll be fine.

Honey, I know this is painful.

Do you have any snacks
in here?

Third shelf on the right.

Honey, instead of blaming Mom,

you should really focus on the fact that
both of these guys went along with it.

I am, I am. Because
I just told Jason that...



That was plural, wasn't it?

I feel like I don't know what
you guys are talking about

and it's making me feel
very much out of the loop,

and it's making me want
to jump out the window.

Stuart. For ten years,
my sister has sat here

and told me that you're
about to commit suicide.


You mean she's been
talking about me?

Wow. God.

Mom? Are you there?
Pick up the phone, Mom.


You've reached Daphne...
You've reached Daphne...

You've reached Daphne Wilder.

Please leave a message
after the tone.

Oh, my God.
Oh, thank you, dear God.






Oh, my God.
Yes, oh, yes!

Oh, my God!

Yes. Yes.


Okay, so the orange-cranberry
muffins are in here?

They're in there.

And the ones with the nuts
are in here too?

They're in there, too.

I had a little trouble
with the frosting,

but I know how much
you love butter cream.

Mother, I told you
on the phone I need distance.

Okay. But it's a new recipe.

Tangerine instead of orange.
For a clean slate?

Why don't you get it?
I don't want to see you.

Milly, if I'm guilty of any crime, it's
just that I've just loved you too much.


It was just so you. I...


This isn't the way
it was supposed to be.

Welcome to life.

Yeah, but I mean, how can I be
happy if she's not happy, hmm?

Hey, it's Milly.
Leave me a message.

Milly? It's your mother,
Daphne Wilder.

Please pick up.

It's been four days.


What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?

What are... Nothing.

Just do nothing.

Hey, it's Milly.
Leave me a message.

Hi, Milly.
This is your mother.

Hopefully, you still have
a mental picture of me.

We have the same hands
and earlobes

and love of Bauer pottery.

I know that you asked me
not to call you

and I respect that.

I just thought that
you might like to know

that I found Grandma's recipe for
your favorite Lady Baltimore cake.

The one from my
third birthday.

The one from
your third birthday.

You know what, Milly? Okay,
you were right about Johnny.

he has more character.

I mean,
he's really a good guy.

And you should know
that he never saw that ad,

and, in fact,
we met by chance.

He was just an
innocent bystander.

I know that I'm saying too
much. I've learned my lesson.


Because, Milly,
it's your life.

Yup, that's right.
That's absolutely right.

Hey, it's Milly.
Leave me a message.

I know you're in there and it's fine with
me that you've chosen not to pick up.

But, Milly, if you're in any
way still pulled to Johnny,

then please don't let
your pride or our differences

come between you
and getting what you want

otherwise, honey, you're gonna
end up like some pathetic character

in a Tennessee Williams play.

Believe me,
I know what I'm talking about.




I never meant to
hurt you, sweetie.

And I promise I will never
ever interfere ever again.

I was, I was only, I mean...

I guess
what I'm trying to say is

that I was just trying to
protect you from becoming me.

My sweet girl.


Hi, honey.

I miss you.

I miss you, too.

Solo on the four chord.

Alternate the bass line,
will you?

Too late for spring sign-up.

I've actually been here

I came once on a Tuesday when it
was closed, and I just wanted to...

You know, I can't hear you.
I'm sorry.


I miss you.

I miss us

and I'm not seeing anybody.

That doesn't change
anything for us, Milly.

Yeah, but Johnny, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm so deeply sorry,

and I wish I could find a less
cliché word for sorry, but...

It was an aberration.
It's not who I am,

and I know we can't start
over, but maybe we could...

Maybe we could try this again.

I need to get back up there.

Okay, you're driving a bus.
Seven hundred and fifty people get on.

Two get off.

Thirty thousand
seventy-one get on.

Four hundred and five
get off.

A thousand get on and nine
hundred and ninety-nine get off.

Get off.

What color are
the bus driver's eyes?

I don't know.

I said you're driving the bus.
Get it, dummy?

You dummy.


You did say that, Lionel.
That's right. That's so good.

He did. That is so great. That is so great.

Want to hear it again?

Well, I mean, I don't know.

Actually, I thought you really
nailed it that last time, so...

Didn't he?
Just one more time. Please?


Okay, you're driving a bus.

Five people get off. Six
people get on. Really?

Seven hundred and
seventy-five thousand get on.

Seven hundred and
thirty-five million and one...

Oh, no.
Hey, guys.

You know, I forgot
a few things at the market.

I'm just gonna...
I'll be right back.

Dad, Dad, you got to
hear this punch line.

Yeah, yeah. You really, really...
You have to stick around for this.

Think you got to, Johnny.

- Okay, now.
- What is it?

You are driving a bus.

A billon million catrillion
get on.

I cannot believe you are
here. You are truly insane.

Two hundred billion million
get off.

Well, I... This is
a surprise to you?

Daphne, you're not listening.

Honey, oh, no, no. I swear,
of course, I'm listening.

Okay. Dad and Daphne.
You're driving a bus.

Five hundred catrillion
cazillion get on.

But zero...
Lionel, look.

A blimp.

Right there.
I can't see it.

Right there. Look harder.
Where? Show me.

I can't see it.
Up, up. Look harder.

I've wanted to talk to you for the past
few days and I haven't had the nerve.

That I find hard to believe.

Johnny, you have
too much pride.

I prefer to call it
common sense.

It's pride, and it's a
quality you and I share.

It's an admirable one,
until it becomes a wall.

"Well, yes, I am alone,

"but at least I have my righteous
anger to keep me company at night. "

Come on, that's not a life,
and you know it.

And let's face it.
I mean, if it wasn't for me,

obviously Milly never would have
betrayed you in the first place.

So what are you doing, Johnny?
What are you doing?

Why waste one more minute
of your life?

And I'm right.

I'm so right.

Damn it.

For once, she is.

Jeez, you guys,
no one's listening.

If Milly was here,
she would get my joke.

You're driving a bus. Ten people
get on. Ten people get off.

Thirty thousand get on. Thirty
thousand get off. A million get on...

See, that's the fun
of the tuna pasta toss,

'cause it's delicious
and it's easy,

because when
you're cooking for one,

it's really important to look
forward to the end result. You know?

What if you want to
make it for two?

It's a little bit more complicated,
but I think it can be done.

I see some of you
have gone ahead

and already added your carrots
and your pickled relish.

And remember
that some people like dill.

Even before I met you,
I had an instinct about you.

And once I saw you were a woman
with profound static cling,

I wanted to be
that force around you.

Personally, I love dill.
I think it's not used enough

and very underrated,
sort of, like, mayonnaise,

and I also really love
olive oil for tuna.

I love that when I breathe you
in, you smell of cake batter.

And I love that
you have this insane way

of talking in circles
that makes perfect sense.

I do?

'Cause sometimes I feel like
nobody understands me but...


I get you.

That's wonderful. But, you
know, my bladder is about to pop.

Can you hold it for a minute?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, guys.
Where were we?

With the tuna pasta
and the tuna noodle doodles,

tuna sandwiches, tuna...

I love your eyes.

I even love

your mother.

- Well, we gotta get this show on the road.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where is she? Well, it should
have started 20 minutes ago.

That's not like her. I mean,
the ceremony has to start soon.

I don't know
where she is, though.

Oh, my God.

I'm worried.
I hope she's okay.

Just call her.
All right. I'm calling.

It's her own wedding.

Oh, no.


Hi, honey.

Hi, Mom. Where are you?

Honey, I just have to talk to you
a little bit later, okay? Mil...

Oh, my God. I kind of think she's
having sex with Joe right now.


Would she like us to explain that to
all the guests, or just the preacher?

She is a woman after
my own heart.

All right, Mom? We are gonna
give you five more minutes.

Ten. Ten.

Mom. Come on.

Open up the champagne,
sweetie. What's the rush?

Because I said so.

Mom, don't hang up
the phone on me.

You got soul

Everybody knows

That it's all right,
it's all right

When you wake up
early in the morning

Feeling sad,
like so many of us do

Hum a little soul
Make life your goal

Surely something's got to come
to you And say it's all right

It's all right

It's all right
It's all right

It's all right

Have a good time

'Cause it's all right
It's all right

- Are we married or what?
- All right.


Special thanks to SergeiK.