Big Fan Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Big Fan script is here for all you fans of the Patton Oswalt movie featuring Kevin Corrigan as his sidekick. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Big Fan quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Big Fan Script


 Joe in Piscataway,
 now you know

 why your wife doesn't
 talk to you anymore.

 Let's go to Nick
 in Valley Stream.

 He just got done
 shopping at the mall.

 Hey, what's goin' on,
 Sports Dogg?

 Hey, man, those Giants
 are lookin' good this week.

 They tore those Vikings up...

 You know what the key to that
 game was? It was simple.

 They shut down
 Adrian Peterson.

 Q.B. was all over the field
 making tackles.

 They couldn't get
 their running game going.

 And the minute they didn't
 have the running game,
 Frerotte was doomed.

 Nobody's passing against
 the G-Men defense these days.
 They're on fire...

I can't tell you
how sick I am.

 Manning's not turning
 the ball over.

 He's doin' everything right.
 He's managing the game.

 And defensively, if you can
 get past that front four,

 then good luck
 getting past Bishop...

I can't tell you
how sick I am.

 Eli's on the money.

 Third and 20,
 he throws
 that screen pass,

 gave the first down
 to Ward. Unbelievable.

 They are not missing
 a beat.

 Nobody's got an offense
 like them. They just

 keep on going.

 That defense,
 that defensive line,

 and those linebackers
 are doing great.

 Now going from greatness
 to the total opposite...
 the Knicks.

 What's with this team?
 We're gonna have to

 drag out another
 two years of misery

 till they finally
 decide they wanna
 get LeBron James?

 This is ridiculous
 what they're doing
 with this team.

 Who wants to go see a Knick
 game? They're horrible.

 The team is a joke.

 I mean, we live in New York.
 This is the kind
 of basketball...

It's $5.00.

I was just in there
for, like, five minutes.

I know. It-- It's $5.anything up to two hours.

He's got a guy on the bench--

 They paid him
 $22 million not to play.

Yeah, have fun in your box.

 It's ridiculous.

 This is a comedy.
 I can't even watch them,
 they're so bad.

 Steve in Bayside
 venting his spleen!

 Let's go to line three,
 Philadelphia Phil.

 What's happening
 down there, brother?

 Are you freakin'
 kidding me?

 You can't stop the run, your
 secondary's a bunch of rookies,

 and you're 23rd in the league
 in red-zone offense.

 You may be 9 and 2, but you're
 a weak, vulnerable 9 and 2.

 All right? Take away
 that fluke win in Dallas

 and the Buffalo blizzard game,
 and you're 7 and 4,

 exact same record as us,
 my friend. All right?

 Man, I cannot
 wait till Sunday
 when finally,

 finally, your weakness
 is gonna be exposed

 for all the world to see.

 It's Judgment Day
 for the Giants, baby,

 courtesy of Gang Green.

 You're going down.
 Yo, I'm out, Sports Dogg.

 Philadelphia Phil,
 always a pleasure.

 ...this Sunday. And that's it
 from the Meadowlands.

 Ed Rosen on the Giants beat,
 760, The Zone.

 Get your rabies shots.

 Here comes The Dogg
 on Sports Radio,

 760, New York.

 I can't even believe
 how this Pittsburgh team

 owns the Rangers.
 In the playoffs last year,

 last night,
 Crosby's doing his thing.

 Mulligan, it's like
 he's skating around.
 No one can stop him.

 They don't play defense,
 the Rangers.

 Their penalty killing is dead.
 They got no power play.

 And Lundquist
 only plays well on the--


Yo, hey.

 You're up third.

Okay. Thanks, Lar.

 Go, Giants.
 Go, Eli!

 Jeff in Clifton,
 NJ, baby!...

 Let's go to my boy Paul
 in Staten Island.

 He always brings the leverage.
 What's on your mind, brother?

Hey, Sports Dogg!
How ya doin'?

I'm just calling to say
I can't wait for this Sunday

when we finally
shut these Philly clowns
up once and for all.

I can't tell you how sick I am

of Philadelphia Phil and
all these cheesesteak bozos

goin' on
about Brian Westbrook this

and how we can't stop
their passing game?

Are-- Are you joking?

You put-- You put the tiniest
bit of pressure on McNabb,

that guy crumbles
like a cookie.

 Now, you guys may
 have put some points up
 against the Skins last week,

 and that's fine, but the G-Men
 are a whole different story,
 my friend.

 You think you're gonna

throw for 388 yards

with Quantrell Bishop
in your face all day long?

-It's not easy hitting a receive--

It's not easy
hitting the receiver
laid out on your back.

So listen up,
Philadelphia Phil,
and all the rest

of you brotherly
love jobronis who've been--
It's the middle of the night!

...who've been talking smack
all week on this show,

get out your forks because
you're gonna be eating
your words big-time!

 I love his passion.
 Thanks, Paul.

Thanks, Sports Dogg.
You the man.

Do you mind?

Yes, I do.
I'm trying to sleep.

Hey, I'm--
I'm off. Okay?

You try sleeping
with that racket.

I'm off.

All night
with the calls.

Go to bed, Mom.

What kind
of thing is that
for a grown man?

I'm quiet.

That's quiet by you?

Yakking away
like some kind of--
I'm quiet!

I'm quiet,
I'm quiet,
I'm quiet!

Dude, you were on fire.

I f--

feel like it needed
to be said.

 The part about how they
 should get out their forks
 'cause they're

gonna be eating their words?
That's fuckin' beautiful.

Yeah. I guess
I just have a gift.

I wish I could do that.

Do it.

I'd be too nervous.

 It's easy.

 For you.

What time you wanna
go tomorrow?

I'll pick you up
around 10?


All right.
Get some sleep. Big day.


  Oh, oh, oh 

  Ooh de bah ooh poo pah doo 

  They call me the most 

  Oh ooh poo-pah-doo, now 

  They call me the most 

  And I won't stop tryin' 

  Till I create
 a disturbance 

  In your mind 

  Oh oh oh 

  Eighth place goin'
 to the old man 

  The eighth place goin' 

  Oh, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma,
 ma, ma, man 

  Goin' to
 the old man, yeah 

  I said I won't stop tryin' 

  Till I create
 a disturbance
 in your mind 



Here we go!
Here we go!

-Here we go!
-Oh, yeah!





Oh, forced to scramble!

Here we go. Giants!

Here we go! Giants!

Bishop with the sack!

Bishop with the sack!
What a play by Strahan!

Hey. Oh. Let's--
We should get our seats.

Game day. Game day!

 The Giants have won
 the coin toss

 and have elected
 to receive the kick.

 Back for the kick
 is Ahmad Bradshaw.

Here we go. Here we go.
Let's do it.

Here we go.
Let's do it.

Here we go.
Let's tee it up.

We're marching!
 And that's the third pass
 to Toomer on this point.

We're marching up the field.

We're marching up the field!

We're marching
up the field!


 Giants, first down.

 And the Eagles...

Come on, ref!


Run the football!
Come on!

They got no answer
for us!

That's right. Yeah,
go to your fuckin'


How the fuck is
that not called?

 That is a ball you
 just can't drop.

 It is right--

 Oh, there's a flag
 on the play.

 45 finally brought down
 by Quantrell Bishop.

 Second sack
 of the day for Bishop.

You show me
You suck!

You suck!
Throw the fuckin' flag!

 And that's a flag
 on the play.

 15! 10! 5! Touchdown!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

 Oh, man, am I feeling
 good tonight.

 I know you're not talking
 about the Knicks, Romeo.

 Ha ha. Yeah, boy. I'm talking
 about the Giants, baby.

 We rocked that field--

Can I pay?

Sorry. Sorry.

 He's running for his life.

 This game was over
 in the second quarter.

 They should have just
 stayed in the locker room

 and gotten on the bus
 and gone to the airport.

 They had no chance
 in the second half

 against Bishop
 and that defense.

You calling?

In a minute.

 You know what
 you're gonna say?

Oh, I'll probably just,
uh, wing it as usual.

Dude, I can't wait to hear
you put that douche bag
in his place.

Oh, I will.
With a vengeance.

 The Giants' defense
 right now is sickening.

 Look at what
 Quantrell Bishop's
 doin' lately.

 He's a monster.
 He's harassing every team
 he's facing.

 They don't know what
 to do with him. They
 can't even deal with him.

 Total domination
 by the Giants.

 I know my boy Paul
 in Staten Island

 was loving life watching
 that game yesterday.

 What do you got, bro?

Hey, Sports Dogg.
How ya doing?

Um, I just got
one thing to say
to Eagle Nation,

especially a certain
Philadelphia Phil,

and that is...ha!
Ha ha ha!

Just like I promised,
we manhandled you on Sunday.

For 60 solid minutes,
we dominated the line
of scrimmage

on both sides of the ball.

Quantrell Bishop
was in your face all day long.

What happened
to shutting him down?

Two sacks, seven tackles,
two forced fumbles,

and a fumble recovery?

If that's shutting him down,
I'd hate to see
not shutting him down!

 Quantrell was
 in your backfield

so much, I almost
mistaked him for an Eagle!

 I love that dude
 in Staten Island,

 bringing it hard
 every night.

Do we have to stay
for the whole thing?

Paul, stop it.

Come on in. Come in,
come in, come in.

Hey, Ma.

Thank you.
Thank you.
All right.

Oh, he's
gonna love it.

Thank you.

What's up, what's up?

Let's get this party

The cake,
he's gonna love it.

Are you kidding me?
He's gonna fuckin' freak.

I'm so proud of him.

Okay, let's go.

 Happy Birthday to you 

 Happy Birthday to you 

 Happy Birthday 

 Dear Brandon 

 Happy Birthday to you 


That's nice.

Baby, that's your gift.

Very good.


Look at that.

Right now, we're
America's fastest-growing
warehouse club.

By 2012, there's
gonna be 350 locations
all across the country.


right now is crapping
in their pants.

So, Paul,
you know the offer
still stands.

I have a job.

Yeah, I know,
but I think

you could really go far
in about five years--

I have a job.

Don't you want
something better?

You know, what
if I offer youa job?

I mean, maybe
I feel bad for you,

stuck inside of a depressing
dentist's office.

How is a dentist's office

Gather round, folks!


So exciting.

I got goose bumps.

Is it working?

 I'm Jeff Aufiero,
 attorney at law.

 Have you been injured
 in an auto accident

- or other such situation?
-He's so handsome.

 If so, you may be entitled
 to a large cash compensation.

 At Bauman, Aufiero & Paltz,
 we've been personal-injury

 for over 4 1/2 years.

 Whether you've been the victim
 of a slip-and-fall,

 a dog bite, or
 even wrongful death,

 we've got the experience
 you need to get
 the cash you deserve.

 Thanks, Bauman,
 Aufiero & Paltz!

 You're welcome.


My son,
the TV star!

Great, bro!

Thank you.
That's fantastic.


He's another
Martin Scorsese!

Very, very professional.

How much
did that cost ya?
Couple of nickels.

I like when you point
because you really meant it.

That was amazing,
bro. Amazing.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Could we see it

What do you have
against Price Club?

I'd rather not
discuss my career.

You have a career?

That's news to me.

You could actually go
somewhere at Price Club.

Yeah, like Dennis? Please.

He's doing extremely well
for himself.


Who knows?
You could probably
meet somebody.

Well, what
does that mean?

Your brother and sister
both found people at work.

Yeah, Gina
was Jeff's secretary.

He cheated on his wife
with her.

She's a lot better for him
than that louse Roberta.

He's a cheat. He fucked her
while he was still married.

Don't say that word
in my car.

Which one?
"Fucked" or "cheat"?
You know.

It's what he did.
He fucked her.

For years
while he was married.
Stop it.

I don't want
that language in my car.

Oh, so it's worse
for me to say it
than for him to do it?

Cut it out, Paul.

No, I wanna know.
Is it worse for me

to say the sentence,
"Jeff fucked
his secretary,"

than it is for Jeff
to fuck his secretary?

You should only meet
somebody as good as Gina.

Oh, boy, that'd
be tough to top.

Yeah, for you.

Yeah, give me
about an hour.

You have to actually
date someone to top it.

I date.

Oh, sure. You're dating
lots of girls.

You don't think I date?

I know exactly who you're
dating. Your hand.

What did you just say?

You think I don't see
those tissue balls
in your garbage pail?

What the hell!
Either that,

or you're just
sneezing a lot. Maybe you
just had a very bad cold

for the last 15 years.
I'm not hearing this.

The kind of cold
where you sneeze

out of your
Oh, Jesus!

I'm not hearing this!
You probably don't think
I don't see

those doo-doo stains
in your underpants, neither.
Oh, God.

Leave it alone.
You don't like it?

Do your own laundry. And keep
your hands off your privates!

La la la la la la la!

Man, how can you
eat that shit?

It's the best.

You ever try?

I think when it comes
to pizza toppings,

I'll trust the Italians
over the Hawaiians.

Try it.

No, thanks.

You know,
you might like it.

I don't need to drink piss
to know it tastes like piss.



You gonna give

Philadelphia Phil
some more shit tonight?

Know what I was thinking?
I let himmake the next move.

That's a good strategy.

Holy shit.


Oh, shit!

No way.

Fuck's he doing
in Staten Island?

I don't know!

Where's he going?
I don't know!

Quantrell fuckin' Bishop!

Fuckin' Stapleton.

Oh, maybe he's here
to see the Wu-Tang.

Who is that guy?

I don't know.
Maybe he played
with him at UT.

Maybe that's his house.
Maybe he lives in Stapleton.

I really
gotta go to the bathroom.

Sst. Look.

You think he's going
to a party or something?


It's a little late
to be first heading out.

Uh, hey, so
do we, like--
 So long, guys.

Can't park here.

Okay. Okay.

There's no fuckin'
parking in Manhattan.

Let's just put it
in a garage. Fuck it.


Slow, slow. Slow. Slow.

On the right.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.


Shut the fuck up!
We're turning!
Go around!

Jesus Christ!

"18 for the first..."
Is that what that says?

That's worse
than the hospital.

Right this way.



Gentlemen, step up
for your drink, please.

Yeah, uh, I'll get,
uh, a Bud Light.

Bud's fine?

Bud's good, yeah.

Uh, same.

Two Buds.

That'll be $9 each.

Each? For a Bud?

Fuckin' Manhattan.

Right fucking there.

Hi, guys.
How are you?


My name is Christiana.

What's your name, baby?

Uh, my name is Paul.

Hi, Paul.
Nice to meet you.

You look so cute.

Oh, thank you.

Where you from?

Uh, um,
I'm from Staten Island.


It's your first time
you're here?

It is. It is.

Yeah? Do you
like this place?

I do. It's great.

Yeah? Do you
want a dance?

Uh, that's--
that's very, uh, nice,
but I'm-- I'm gonna pass.

Thank you.
Very nice. Thank you.

What about you, baby?
My name is Christiana.

Would you like
some dance?

Uh, what's that?

Do you want a dance?
Oh, dance.

Can I dance for you?

Um, yes, you may.
Um, later on.

But right now I have to,
uh, I'm on a job.

Okay, I'll come back
later. No problem.

God, I wish
I'd brought a Sharpie!

What's he gonna sign?

My balls. Who cares?

Where's he going?

Probably to take a leak.

Maybe that would be
a good time to go
up to him, you know,

without his whole group

And it would be--
it'd be casual.

Just two guys, like...


Man, those hos
look good tonight.

Man, did you see that one
with the big Brazilian
bubble-butt, man?

Man, she got a phat ass.

Man, she looks
gorgeous, man.
Let's get it.

I'm taking her
home tonight.
Her and her friend.

Fuck! what?

A drink. We buy him a drink.

We send a drink over.
We say

it's from the two gentlemen
in the corner.

He waves us over to thank us,
and we hang out with him.

Fuckin' genius.


How much money
you have left?

Uh...six bucks.

All right. Give it here.


No, man. I love
what I do, man.

Oh, look.
That's our drink.

She's bringing it.
She's bringing it!



It's from them.

I'm good, baby.

Take it away?
Yeah, I'm good.

Can you see?
I can't see.
Did he take it?

I think so. Yeah.

We should go there.

Shouldn't they--
Shouldn't they wave usover?

There's no ru--
There's no rule.

There's no rules.

Let's go.

Let's go.

That's what
I'm talking about!

How many bottles you had?

I bought about
30 bottles, man!

Club-- Club QB!

Club U.P., man.





Hey, men.

There's somebody here
to see you, man.


Look at this


Yeah, and he brought
the Nutty Professor
with him!

We really wanted
to just meet you,
Mr. Bishop.

Hi. Yeah, yeah.
So how y'all
doin', man?

Doin' good, man.

You all right,

I'm-- I'm great.

We're big fans.

15 sacks'll get you
big fans, man!

QB, baby! QB!

Hey, I told you
I have fans, man.

See, I told you I have.
QB, man!

We came all the way
from Staten Island.

Staten Island!

With a--
With a little stop
in Stapleton.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!

Say Stapleton?

Yeah. We were just...

Were you following us?


Um, look, Q--
You following us
or something?

No, no! We-- We just
wanted to say hi, and then--

I guess I kinda
chickened out, so I--

Look, we don't--
They're just fans, yo.
Just fans.

Bullshit! Bullshit!
No, not at all.

If it's not
a good time...

They just fans.
Bullshit! Hold on! Bullshit!
They're stalkers, man!

Hold on. You
a motherfucking
stalker, man!

Bullshit! These two
stalker, man!

Fuck with me, man?
You motherfucker--

Look, I'm very sorry--

No! No!


Fucker, man!

Let me go, man!

 Dr. Lyon, line 5145.

 Dr. Lyon, 5145.

 Any available transport
 dispatcher, please.

 Any available
 transport dispatcher.

Hematoma. It's a bleeding
from the vein

between the brain
and the skull.

Fortunately, we were able
to successfully drain it.

So I'm gonna be okay?

You sustained
some pretty heavy trauma,

but long-run,
you should be.

We do need to keep you
another few days
for observation.

Another...few days?
How long have I been here?

Three days.

Three days.

So...So the day is...




How did we do?

What was the score?


We gave up to the Chiefs?

Did Quantrell...



For how long?

Game-by-game basis.

They say it depends
on the investigation.


There's someone
here to see you.

Thanks, doc.

Hey, Paul.
How you doing?

I'm from Midtown South.
I, uh,

just got a few questions
for you about what happened
the other night.

So, uh...

...h-how does this...
Well, it's pretty simple.

You, uh, tell us
everything that happened,

and then we, uh, we nail
the son of a bitch.

Put him in jail?

That's the idea.

How much time could he get?

Aggravated assault,
maybe three to five.

A-Aggravated assault?
That's what it would be.

No, it really depends
on what he did. So why
don't you just tell me

what he did,
and we'll take it
from there.

He, uh...

Now, look, let's, uh,
let's keep it simple.

Why don't you, uh,
start at the beginning.

Tell me where you
first saw Quantrell.

Quantrell. Quantrell,
I first, uh...


I just-- I just don't know

I'll tell you what.

You've been through a lot.

So, get some rest.

We can try this again
in a couple days.

That'd be good.

That'd be good.
I'm sure it'll start
to come back to you.

No, I hope so,
yeah. I hope so.

All right.
Take it easy, buddy.

You, too.

 Or even a medium fly
 on a honey pile,

 nuts and bolts.
 Hold on.

 Don't put it in the trash.
 Put it back together,
 and it's ready to go.

 But I saved
 the best for last.

 If you have wooden floors
 or tile floors,

 you have to change the
 settings, you have to sweep.

 This is wet vegetables
 on wood floors.

 This could be tile.

 This could be waterproof.

 Look at this.
 It sneaks behind.

 It's not the tile.

 Picks up the carrots,
 the peas, the corn.

 It gets 'em all
 in one easy step.

Just put a little salve
on there...

Because if that stuff
gets in your eye...

It's not.
It's not just in my eye. 
That's what I'm--

There he is!

There goes my brother.
There he is.


Let me look.
What a palace.
Look at this.

My brother's
living in a palace.

Not too bad,
not too bad.
Nice TV set...

All right.
Look at you.
Better than I thought.

You should get the shit
kicked out of you more often.


Speaking of which,
I've been thinking.

That's never good!

What this animal did to you,
he's gotta pay.

Yeah. I'm-- I'm sure he will.

let's make sure of it.

Well, the cops
are investigating.

So he's gonna go to jail!
Jail's bullshit.

We gotta hit him
where it hurts--
in his wallet.

I don't wanna be
one of those assholes
that sues Burger King

for 50 billion because
their Whopper's too hot.

We are not talking about
Whoppers here, Paul.

We are talking about a rich,
spoiled, millionaire athlete

who viciously beat
an innocent man within
an inch of his life.

Do you not think,
we, as a society,
have an obligation

to hold its celebrities
to the same--
What's that thing

where instead of saying
"won't," you say "will not"?

Or instead of saying
"can't," you say "cannot"?


You stop using them
whenever you want
to sound smart

or lawyerly--
Don't be a fuckin' wise ass,
Paul! This is serious!

You should
listen to him.

You don't care about justice.
You just want money.

Money isjustice.
We're talking aggravated
assault and battery--

3, 4 million easy.

Wow. So now you're
a lawyer. That's--

Boy, the things they teach
in secretary school.
Fuck you!

He don't give
a shit about you.
But I don't wanna sue.

What the fuck's
wrong with you?
That's enough.

Thickheaded motherfucker,
you are.

What is wrong with you?
This motherfucker

does not give
a fuck about you.

He is in his mansion
playing his Xbox.
You never listen.

That's because no one
ever says anything
worth listening to.

Look at
where you are!
This is a hospital.

It's not what you want.
It's what is right.

You wanna live like this
for the rest of your life?

Yes, I do. I wanna
live exactly like this.

I had enough of this.


How do you get
a concussion when you
got no fuckin' brains?

 In the name of Jesus,
 Mary, and Joseph,

 what's going on?

 My grandmother
 could play better
 than that D-line,

 and she's freakin'--

  When I stand 

  Back to the sea 

  A big white cloud 

  Looking right down...  

 You have reached
 the home of Theresa Aufiero.

 Neither her or Paul
 can come to the phone.

 Please leave
 your name, number,

 and the time of your call,
 and we will get back.

  Big white cloud 

 This is Murray Pape
 from the Daily News. Paul,
 if, uh, you get a chance--

  Big white cloud 

  On me 

  Big white cloud 

  Big white cloud 

  Big white cloud 

 The Giants were the one

 that basically
 handed this game over.

 Hopefully, this won't
 be the end for them

 and they start playing like
 this regularly now without QB.

 But they got--


  On the hill 

  Looking at bees 

  Licking the trees... 
 ...the time of your call,
 and we will get back.

  Looking for signs]

 Good afternoon. This is
 Herb Cohen from The Post,

 calling for Paul Aufiero,
 hoping to ask him
 a few quick questions.

  ...I love you 

  Yes, how I love you 

  Oh, how I love you so 

  Oh, how I love you 

  Yes, how I love you 

  Oh, how I love you so 

  After all 

  Is said and done 


  Is just like it began 

  Days that came... 

 Hey, how you doin', Dogg?
 Oh, my God,

 I'm loving this. All right,
 that bunch of thugs

 that you call a team up there
 is showing their true colors

 for the whole world to see.
 All right?

 They're just a bunch of dirty,
 no-good hooligan animals,

 all right,
 from Bishop on down.

 This ain't about Philly
 versus New York, all right?

 This is about good versus--

 ...slip away!

 That's my boy Massapequa Mark,

 bringing the leverage!

 Hey! Paul, Staten Island,
 what do you got?

Hey, Dogg, how you doing?
Um, listen,

I'm just calling in response
to that pea-brain
Philadelphia Phil.

I'm listening here.
It's unbelievable!

I mean, you ever hear of
innocent until proved guilty?

It's a little thing called
the American Constitution.

Maybe you should look it up.

Now, we don't know what
happened at that club.
We weren't there!

I mean, maybe-- maybe...

unless-- unless they
charge QB with something,

they gotta let him play.
They gotta let him play.

Not that we need him...

because we got the horses,
and everything's cool.

This is--  You know
what this is?

This is people
blowing something

way out of proportion,
all right?

And not realizing that th--
this thing is not a thing.


Hey, Paul.

Feeling better?

Yeah, I'm fine.
You know.

This is a good time
to talk?

Uh, it's not, uh...ideal.

I got work.

What time
you get off?

I don't...

really know how much
I can help you on this,
you know?

Any help is help, Paul.

Yeah. You know,
I think maybe...

You know, I think
I got amnesia.


Yeah. Sounds
like you have amnesia.

Is there-- Isn't
there anyone else you could
talk to about this, or...

You'd think so.

A club that crowded.
But unfortunately,
you know,

everyone was either
off in the bathroom
or the VIP lounge

or havin' a smoke
when it all went down.

Hmm. Well...

Well...let's hope
that amnesia clears up.

When it does, I want you
to give me a call.

We wouldn't want
a crime like this
to go unpunished.


 Man, these Giants
 are killin' me.

 I think I might have to
 start watchin' the Jets.

 This is killin' me.

 I can feel you, Chuck.

 You can't tell me this
 isn't botherin' the Giants.

 You can't tell me that this
 isn't driving Coughlin nuts.

 I mean, it's become a problem
 that they've had to deal with

 day in, day out,
 week to week.

 I don't even know how they
 maintain their focus with this
 nightmare goin' on.

 The drama keeps playin' out,
 the story's had legs forever.

 It won't go away. They haven't
 made their minds up.

 The D.A. doesn't know
 whether he's comin' or goin'.

 I mean, the D.A.'s office
 gotta make their mind up.

 They can't let this thing
 keep dragging out--

 Wait a minute, wait a minute.
 We got breakin' news
 on this very subject.

 Let's go to Ed Rosen
 right now.

 Well, Dogg,
 word has come down

 that Quantrell Bishop
 will not be eligible to play

 in this Sunday's
 key showdown in Dallas.

 According to
 a Giants' spokesman,

 the five-time pro-bowler will
 remain on the ineligible list

 until further notice.

 Once again, Quantrell Bishop
 inactive this Sunday.

 That's it
 from the Meadowlands,

 Ed Rosen
 on the Giants beat,
 760, The Zone.

 The Cowboys come in with
 the number 3 ranked offense--

 first in the pass,
 last in the run--

 led, of course,
 by Marion Barber.
We're really good.

We're in good shape.
You slide Pierce over,

you give Michael
some support, bada-bing,

we're good.

 And I see the Cowboys
 trying to establish the run

 early and often today
 with the absence
 of Quantrell Bishop.

 Giants come in today, a little
 shaky off of last week's loss,
 looking to...

No problem.

 This is gonna be a tough
 contest and a tough--

What the fuck?!

 The Cowboys  and the Giants 27.

 And, Chip, just like we talked
 about before the game...

 the Giants' defensive...
You don't go for two
when you're down four.

 He had all day to pass,
 and he made them pay.

You miss, you need
a touchdown to win!

 ...the Giants, but
 without Quantrell Bishop...

The first-and-goal,
you cannot take
a sack there.

Throw that shit away!

 ...way of the Giants'

 attacking the spot
It never should have come

to that.
 Quantrell Bishop
 normally occupies.

 with an admirable job
 at defensive end today,

We're fine.
 but he is not
 Quantrell Bishop.

We only need to win
one of the next two,

 ...right from the get-go.
or they lose one.

 ...Quantrell Bishop?
 You mean...
They got, uh,

Green Bay
at Lambeau.

We're good.
We're fine. right in there
 and stole everything
 in the house.

 And, Chip, as we turn
 to the NFC East race now,
You okay?

 the Philadelphia Eagles
 are gaining on the New York
 Football Giants,

 and it looked at one point
 as if we had no race,
You know what, man?

 but now, Chip, I think
 we have a certifiable
 dogfight on our hands.

You really need
to lay off this shit.

 Three weeks ago,
 it looked like the Giants
 had firm control

 of the division.
This is alien piss.

 ...walk away with this thing
 and now, all of a sudden...
Can I make a suggestion?

Drink this stuff.
It's much better for you.
Root beer.

 ...excessive problems,
 they might buy--
 they might be...

This is
 When it comes
 down to the wire, Chip...

Root beer. It's like--
It's like earth's
first beverage.

I don't like root beer.

Anything in a green bottle
is gonna kill you. Brown.

 Again a tough day
 down here for
It's more natural.

 New York Football.
 Giants down here
 at Texas Stadium...

It's got minerals--
I don't like root beer!

 ...35, Giants 27.

 This is Tom Rogers
 alongside my broadcast
 partner Chip Daniels.

 So long from Texas Stadium,

 Boom, boom, boom,

 boom, boom!
 You hear that?
 You hear that, baby?

 That's the sound
 of footsteps, baby.

 We are gaining on you.
 One back with two to go.

 We beat St. Louis next week,
 you lose to Carolina,

 and it all comes
 to Monday night.

 To Monday night madness.
 To Monday night football.

 The last game
 of the season,

 Giants versus the Eagles
 at the Linc,

 where we're gonna
 frickin' destroy your--

Fuckin' asshole.

How you doing,


It's cold out, huh?



Thank you.

Well...gotta be honest.

Did not expect
to hear from you.



What do you got for me?

Well, you know,
I've been, uh...

...thinkin' a lot about...
what happened, and--

and, you know...

trying to remember.

Bring it.

I just...

I don't think...

that I'll, uh...

be able... r-remember stuff.
I've been trying, you know,

really hard, thinking about...
what happened, and I ju--

I just can't--
I just can't.

Can't remember
or won't remember?

I've been trying...
like I said...
um, to remember.

I just-- I can't...

Can't or won't?


I'm sorry.

Coulda told me this
over the fuckin' phone.


Bro, you okay?

So, how you
feeling, bro?

I'm pretty good.
Pretty good.

the doctor say?

Oh, they don't know
what happened.

They did
another CAT scan?

Yeah. It didn't
show anything.

Oh, really? It didn't
pick up the fist prints?
They're not related.

Yeah. Sure.

You don't know that.
Are you sniffing
glue again?

Is this like some kind of
no-snitching thing?
Like the brothers?

Oh, yeah. I heard the charges
were dropped. I'm sorry. You
must be really upset about that.

Come on, Jeff.

What? I'm sympathizing.
Well, stop.

He needs to hear this.

He needs his rest.
He needs to get better.

Look at you.
He's right.

Like a jadrool.
Oh, please be quiet.

Fuckin' jadrool.
Oh, my God.

You're not gonna
get through to him.

Nobody can.

Sports Dogg.
 Name and location.

Yeah. Yeah, hey, Lar, it--
it's Paul from Staten Island.

 Hey, Paul. I got five
 in front of you. Hang tight.
Okay. Okay.

 be too bad.
Okay, great.

  Every time
 the Knicks manage--

 Hey, kitty cat...

 Get off the porch!

 You're in The Zone
 with the Sports Dogg,

 on 760 Sports Radio,
 New York.

 New York...

 Paul From Staten Island,

 what do we
 got tonight?
Hey! Hey!

What's up, Dogg?
Um, I gotta tell you,

I am feeling
good tonight

in a little less
than 48 hours,

we are gonna
brutally shatter
any flicker of hope

the cheesesteaks had going.

We've been messing
with them the last few weeks,

letting 'em get back in it
a little, making 'em think

they had
a chance of catching us

just so we can see
the look on their faces

when they come up short.

-Quantrell's back, baby,
and he is g--

Quantrell is back, baby,

and he is ready to make up
for some lost time

against the Panthers.

You better hope
the scoreboard is broken
down there in St. Louis

because the Eagles
are gonna be so crushed

when they look up at it and see
the Giants-Panthers score.

They're not even gonna
be able to play.

It's not even-- even gonna
come down to the head-to-head
in week 17.

We're gonna wrap up the East
in a nice little bow

-this coming--
-People live here!

Sorry. Sorry.

This coming weekend,
after which, we will follow

 our pre-destiny
 to the Super Bowl

 as we ride the victory bus
 to the championship.

And why? Why are we riding
in the victory bus

to a championship
we haven't played?

Because, as I said earlier,

it is pre-destiny that we will
take the Super Bowl this year

while at the same time
waving goodbye


 Thanks, Paul. Now,
 that's a G-Men fan.

Oh-- Thank you.
 Thanks, buddy.

All ri-- Okay. Thanks,
Sports Dogg. Thank you.


[makes soft flying sound]

 Delhomme in the shotgun...

Big stop, big stop,
big stop, big stop.

Go get him!
Get him! Fuck!
 ...breaks into a wide open...

 ...hauls it in
 at the 31 yard line...

He had all day
back there.

 And here
 come the Panthers...

That's all right.

The Panthers
always self-destruct.

 ...right out of the air
 into his hands

 and another first down.

 That's the sixth ball
 he's caught today,

 and we're not even
 in the second half.

 Steve Smith,
 one of the players
 Coach Coughlin said

 the Giants had to stop.
 The Giants with no answer--

 Jim Trainor, saying so long
 from Giants Stadium.

 Final score:
 Panthers 28, Giants 7--

You can't blame
the defense for this one.

got some weapons.

Quantrell played like shit.

Well, he was

He was rusty.

 Tied for first place!

 Tied for first place!

 Tied for first place!

 Hey, oh, oh,
 and one more thing
 I'd like to add.

 Tied for first place!


What's so funny?

You must have the world's
biggest collection
of Chinese packets.

It's a sin to throw out food.

 My mother,
the soy-sauce squirrel.

It's a real riot,
not being wasteful.

You know what's a riot?

Is you spending 20 years

all these sauce packets

that you're never
gonna use. That's a riot.

You're a sick boy, you know
that, Paul? You need help.

Yeah. And you need
6,000 egg rolls.

To put all that stuff on!


 Good evening.
 Is, uh, Paul home?

Uh, may I say who's calling?

 This is Murray Pape.
 I'm calling
 from the Daily News.

Uh, he's not here right now.
May I take a message?

 Yeah. I'd just
 like to ask him
 a few quick questions...

 about the lawsuit.

 If you could, I'd
 really appreciate--

Yeah. Excuse me.

Paul, what the fuck?

Paul. Paul. Paul.

Hello? Hello?
Paul. Paul. Paul.

"In an unexpected
turn of events,
the lawyer for alleged--"

I'm taking
a fuckin' dump here!
"The lawyer

"for alleged Quantrell Bishop
beating victim Paul Aufiero

yesterday filed
a $77 million lawsuit--"

Can we discuss this
after I wipe my ass?

"...against the star
linebacker in federal court

on behalf of his client"?

Jeff, what the fuck?
I'm acting
in your best interests.

You're not seeing
things clearly here.

You have no right.
I have a right
if you're my brother

and you're not mentally
competent to make decisions
for yourself.

I'm mentally competent!
You're a 36-year-old man

who lives home
with his mother,

who depends on her for food,
for laundry,

and countless basic fuckin'
life necessities. All right?

On paper you're basically
a fuckin' vegetable!
Oh, fuck you!

It's true!
You can't do this!

I just did.

Where the fuck
did you get $77 million

I calculated it.
Yeah, outta your ass.

I know you're a fan
of this guy, but you gotta
stop looking at him

as some kind of fuckin' hero
and start looking at him

as some big, black,
moulinyan jack-off asshole

that gave you brain damage!
Hey, my brain's fine.


It was an accident.

The whole thing
was a misunderstanding.
A misunderstanding?

He was drunk!
That's no excuse.

He-- I was bothering him.
Okay? He-- He was out

trying to have a good time
with his friends.
Do you hear yourself?

Do you actually
hear yourself?

Lots of people
get beat up every day.

I don't see you out there
suing for them.

Well, none of them
are my brother. Okay?

And for what it's worth, the
whole family supports it. Okay?

Gina, Mom, Dennis,
Christine, everybody.
For what it's worth,

I'm not gonna
let you do it.

Go ahead, stop me.
I will.

Go for it.

Can I finish
my shit now?

Can I borrow your Internet?

Maybe "Stopping
a lawsuit"?

Man, they usually have
everything on there.

Maybe the lawyers don't want
that information public.

that makes sense.

 They're gonna go down
 with Yankees up

 3-zip in the ALCS
 losing to the Red Sox.

 If they blow this game
 in Philly,

 they're never gonna
 live it down in New York.

 Let's go to line 3.
 What's up?

 Hey, hey, Sports Dogg,
 how ya doin'?

 It's Philadelphia Phil
 calling here.

 Look, I'm calling in tonight
 with a shocking revelation.

 All right, it's
 about the Quantrell Bishop

 As you might know
 from the news,

 the name of the jerk-off
 that they beat up
 is Paul Aufiero.

 All right? And what
 you might not know is
 I have a good authority

 that Paul Aufiero
 is none other than...


 Paul from frickin'
 Staten Island.

 You don't know that, Phil.
 We don't give out full names
 on the air here.

 Yeah, but you do
 on the Sports Dogg

 website, all right? And
 I was on it last night,

 my friend. And on the
 Caller of the Month page,

 I saw the name
 from November 2006--

-Paul Aufiero.

 from Ellingtonville,
 Staten Island. All right?

 Do you understand
 what I'm saying?

 Are you putting two and two
 together, my friend?

 All right, I clicked on his
 profile-- favorite team,

 the Giants.
 Favorite athlete--

 Quantrell Bishop.

 Favorite food,
 roast Eagle.

 It's him!
 All right?

You listening?
 Paul from Staten Island

 got beat up
 by his favorite player,

 and now he's suing him

 for 77 million
 freakin' dollars?!

 Are you kidding me?
Fuckin' piece-of-shit

 Can you believe that?

 But I feel bad
 for you, buddy.

 I do. You got dumped.

 All alone, no team.

 That's why I wanna
 personally invite
 you to switch over.

 I am giving you
 an invitation
 to switch over.

 Leave the dark side
 and join the

 Eagle Nation.
 You can start this Monday

 night at Sharkey's
 on Passyunk, South Philly,

 where me and the rest
 of my Eagle brothers

 will bewatching us
 crush theMidgets

 and take the Eastern Crown!
 Do you understand? Come--

Hey, Paul, how you doin'?
Adam Feuerstein, Newsday.

Can I ask you
a few questions?
Not now.

Um...Paul? How
does it feel like

to get beat up
by your hero?

Is it true that you're
a lifelong die-hard--
Leave me alone!



 Say that I'm
 a Rangers fan,

 but it's more
 like I'm a

 Rangers endurer, like--

 It's like I'm going
 to a funeral every game,

 and last night
 was no different.

 I mean, I think
 if they can wear boots...

Uh, $5.00.

 I mean,
 what is that? Are they even
 playing hockey anymore?

So you still gonna
be rooting for 'em
Monday night?

 This is Murray Pape.
Hi, Mr.--

 I'm unavailable right now,
 but if you leave a message,

 I'll get back to you.

 To page this person,
 press five now.

 At the tone, please
 record your message.

Hello, Mr. Pape.

This is Paul Aufiero.

I'm calling
to let you know

that I'm planning to hold
a press conference

to set the record straight

on my situation regarding
Quantrell Bishop.

The press conference
will occur tomorrow night

at around 11:30 p.m.

or approximately
a few minutes after

on the Sports Dogg program
on The Zone.

Please pass word
along to your coworkers

or any other people
in the media

you feel this might be
of interest to.

Thank you very much.

Paul Aufiero.

Sports Dogg.
 Name and location.

Hey. Yeah, it's--
it's, uh,

Paul from Staten Island.

 Paul. Hey, uh, what's,
 uh, what's goin' on?

Uh, listen. Could you--
Could you, uh, get me on
really quick?

 Yeah, hang on
 a second.

 Joe from Staten Island.

 First time, long time,
 all right?

 What's up, Dogg? Listen -

 They couldn't win a game

 if their life depended on it.

 What kind of management
 do they have there?

 I'd rather watch the high
 school teams in my area

 than go and watch these--

 You're up next.

Yeah, okay,

 This is a comedy!
 We live in--

 Yeah, I'd agree with that.
 Good job, Chuck.

 I can dig it.

 Are you kidding me?
 Oh, this is gonna
 be a huge call.

 Line one, a world exclusive,
 Paul from Staten Island.

Hey, Sports Dogg.
How you doing?

 Hey! What's up,
 Paul, man?

 A lot of people have been
 talkin' about you, brother.

I know. And, uh,
I just wanted to say...

a-- a, uh, a lot of people

have been talking
about me these days,

and most of it is wrong.

So it's time I cleared
the record straight.

First off, with regarding
the alleged incident

between me
and Quantrell Bishop

on November 30th,
this was not an attack.

-It was an unfortunate

It was an unfortunate

between the two of us.

He did nothing--
Who are you
talking to?

He did nothing wrong,
and I have no plans to sue.

The lawsuit
was accidentally filed

by a person in my family

-who misunderstood the situ--
-Paul, I have had it.

Uh, get off the phone,

 I have to be up
 at 7:30.

Hang up.

 Who is that?

 I have a doctor's
 appointment at 9.


 It's surgery, Paul.

 Is that his mother?

 They're removing
 my corn.

 If I don't get
 a good night's--
Fucking hang up

-the fucking phone!
-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

 Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
 No F-bombs, dude.

 You know that.
 I gotta let you go.



Why are you
doing this to me?

I'm not doing nothing to you!
You do it all to yourself!

I'm sick of you
treating me like a baby!

You area baby,
with your calls

and your little
playmate Sal!

Why don't you grow up
and get a life?
I have a life!

No, you don't!
I'm happy
with my life!

No, you're not!
Hey, I think I would know!

Happy is family,

Oh, says you!
Says everybody!

There's basic stuff
every person needs!
Oh, don't--

Your brother has 'em,
your sister has 'em,
only you!

Hey! Hey! No! No!
I don't want
what they've got!

I don't want it!
I don't want it!
I don't want it!

 This Giants fan
 is really upset.

 He's afraid they're gonna
 lose out the string now,

 so now he's watching
 the Jets and the 49ers

 and hoping they could,
 uh, wring out a win.

 This is a depressed
 Giants fan today, folks.

 That was his best year.

 It wasn't,
 you know, 15-16.

 Uh, this kid Harvey had,
 Derrick Harvey,

 has four sacks through
 the first eight games--

Where you going?


 I have no idea
 where you are.

 When you take my car,
 you can at least
 have the courtesy to--

 Message deleted.
 Next message.

 Yo, Paul, where are you?
 I've been calling.

 We watching at your place? KYW

 Philadelphia officials admit
 they won't even come close

 to meeting their goal

 with installing
 250 surveillance cameras

 in high crime areas
 by the end of--

 The governor, governor of the
 Commonwealth of Pennsylvania,

 Governor Ed Rendell, back
 with us on the big talker 1210.

 Governor, we got
 a cheesesteak here
 with your name on it.

 Yeah. I'm on the air?

 Well, I eat, uh, pizza
 around this time of night.

 I'm on my way back
 to Harrisburg.

 I'm in the car, and--

  What's gotta be will be 

  Gonna have
 your sweet lovin' 

 rollin' in your arms 

  Gonna have
 your sweet lovin' 

 rollin' in your arms 

  Gonna fly me to your door 

 McNabb already looking sharp,
 coming off a great game

 last week against St. Louis.




We get to Wisconsin,
and literally I came

as we're driving across
the bridge into Wisconsin.
It was like a conquest.

We get to Wisconsin,
he says,

"Hey, can you drive a stick?"
And I was like, "Huh?"

 I'm like,
"Dude, I can drive
a stick."

And he fucked her
in the back?

He fucked her
in the back seat,
but first,

the lady goes,
"Fricking huge!"

That was
frickin' huge.

That was big.
That was big for us.

Let's go on.
Bring it fuckin' home.

Let's go,
let's go,
let's go.

This is what you call
a game turner.

It's called
a game "changer,"
you motherfucker.



Let's go, let's go, let's go.
What you gonna do?
Come on!

Throw it
up his ass!

Let's go!

Yeah, you fuckin' asshole!

Yes! Oh, yes!

That's what
I'm talking about!

That's what
I'm talking about!

We got this.

We got this.
We got this.

Take away that bullshit
fumble call,

we'd be up 14.

Yeah, you know what?
Not to worry.
It's about to get ugly.

Yeah, it's gonna
get fuckin' ugly.


How's it going, bo?

Oh. Mark.

How's it going?
Good, good.

I like the paint.
You got your colors,

I'm flyin'
mycolors, man.

-He's got his
fucking colors on.
-Fly them, man. Fly 'em.

Fuckin' queers.
Douche, douche.

Douche bags.

Douche, douche!

Douche, douche.

Now-- Now I just
want it to become,
like, an annihilation.

Like, I just want it
to become an abomination,

an annihilation,
a murder,

a mass fuckin' murder!

You fuck.

I want to
mass fuckin' murder,
these motherfuckers.

You know what I mean?

An abomination!





 In the end zone!

Yes! Fucking touchdown,
you asshole! Yes!

Yes! You fuck!

That's what
I'm fuckin' talking about!

Ah, ha! Ha ha ha!

Look at him. Yeah,
he's a giant fag!

No, no,
not a giant fag.
He's a Giantfag,

like a Giant fag?
You know what I mean?
You dumb fuck. Yes!

Yes! I love it. Whoo!

Hey, I-- Listen, this is
gonna sound kinda weird,

but, uh,
do I know you?

Just that you sound familiar,
you know, your voice. Um...

You ever go, uh,
listen to, uh,

The Pen? 860?


 Rob Ryan
or Eagle's Nest

or Nothing But Netsky--

you know,
those call-in shows?

I'm pretty much a regular
on all those shows.

That's gotta be it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I call in there,

you know,
break balls
and shit.

It's a good time.
You know what I mean?

I even, uh,

been calling up the local
shows up in New York now,
piss off the locals.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I fucking can't
stand Giants fans.

like Giants fans.

Yeah, fuck Giants fans.
I can't stand
those motherfuckers.

Fuck 'em.
There's that one guy that
got his ass beat by Bishop?

You heard about that?

Oh, something about--

Yeah, yeah. He, um...

He's a big fan. Bishop
was his favorite player.

And somehow or another,
he pissed him off.

It's, like, you wanna
fuckin' grow up.

You wanna belike Mike,
not get fuckin'-your-ass
kicked by Mike.


fuckin' Julius Erving

come and kicking
my fucking ass?

Fuckin' jerk-off.
It's crazy.

Yeah, it fuckin' is.

What's your name again?


All right!

All ri-ight!
Mark the Spark!

Mark the Spark!

Mark the spark!

Yeah. Killer Phil!
Killer Phil!

Here we go, and it's
only gonna get worse
for the fucking guy,

in one minute 33,

one minute and 32...

and 27-- 29, you fuck.

You can't fucking count.

26. 27. Yes.
Giants suck!
Giants suck!

Life is good, baby!

 Folks, you can put
 a bow on this one.
Giants suck! Giants suck!

Giants suck! Giants suck!

Giants suck! Giants suck!

Giants suck! Giants suck!

Giants suck! Giants suck!

Giants suck!
The cock!

Giants suck!

Giants suck!
My balls!

Giants suck! Giants suck!

Giants suck! Giants suck!

Giants suck! Giants suck!

Giants suck! Giants suck!

Giants suck! Giants suck!

Giants suck! Giants suck!

Giants suck! Giants suck!

Giants suck! Giants suck!

Giants suck! Giants suck!

Giants suck! Giants suck!

Giants suck! Giants suck!

Giants suck! Giants suck!

 The clock has expired,
 the season has expired.

Are you gonna--

Are you gonna
call up that station
up in New York tonight?

Yeah. Shit, yeah.

I got a big bag of salt

that needs wounds
for rubbing into.

I'll bet--
I bet that loser's

writing out
his suicide note
as we speak.




Come on! Gotta drain
the monster. Let's go.

Bo, what are you doing?
I'm taking a fuckin'--

Hey, whoa, whoa.
What are you-- What
are you doing, man?

Don't do-- Don't do that.
Be quiet.

No, no, no,
don't-- don't--

Quiet. Okay?

You didn't have to be mean.

What are you talking about,


always so mean.

Bo, I don't know
who the fuck you are, okay?

What are you doing?

And it wears me out.

Yo, listen to me.
Listen to me.

You got the wrong guy here,
you understand?

I got...the right guy.

No, no, don't--
don't do that.

Don't do that. I-- Don't

do-- Unnh!


Uhh! Uhh!


Uhh! Ohh!


My God.


What the fuck?



  Delta Dawn 

  What's that flower
 you have on?  

  Could it be a faded rose? 

Get back!

  And did I hear you say 

  He was a-meetin'
 you here today 

  To take you
 to his mansion 

  In the sky? 

  She's 41 

  And her daddy
 still calls her baby 

  All the folks 

  Around Brownsville
 say she's crazy 

  'Cause she walks downtown
 with a suitcase 

  In her hand 

  Lookin' for a mysterious
 dark-haired man 

  Delta Dawn 

  What's that flower
 you have on? 

  Could it be a faded rose 

  From days gone by? 

Ow, ow, ow.
Shut the fuck up!

  And did I hear you say 

  He was a-meetin'
 you here today 

  To take you
 to his mansion 

  In the sky? 

  Delta Dawn 

  What's that flower
 in the sky? 

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I don't know
what I--
I know.

What are
you gonna do?
What are you

gonna do?
What are you
gonna do?



How's it going?


So, um, yeah.

Your mom been by?

Uh, she came by
a few days ago.


She's not really
taking this too well.


How about, uh, Jeff?

Jeff was supposed
to come by yesterday,

and then something
with his kid
or something...

Oh, oh! Hey, hey, hey.



It's out?

Hot off the press,
from today's Post.

Oh, my God.

This is cake!

Uh, that's what I said.



13 and 3. Easy.

What are your
three losses?

Green Bay, New England,

We could easily
beat Green Bay.

14 and 2.

Oh. Oh, man.


New England, December 20th.

I get out that week.

Oh, shit.

Patsies are toast.

There's no way we're losing

with us in the parking lot.
Not a chance.

15 and 1.

Totally realistic.

Oh, man.

Oh, man!

It's gonna be a great year.

  I got kicked
 off of Noah's Ark 

  I turned my cheek
 to unkind remarks 

  There was two
 of everything 

  And one of me 

  And when the rains
 came tumblin' down 

  Held my breath,
 and I stood my ground 

  And I watched that ship 

  Go sailin' out to sea 

  Take it back 

  Take it back 

  Oh, no,
 you can't say that 

  All of my friends 

  Are not dead 

  Or in jail 

  Through rock
 and through stone 

  The black wind still moans 

  Sweet revenge 

  Sweet revenge 

  Without fail 

  I caught an aisle seat
 on a plane 

  And drove
 an English teacher
 half insane 

  Makin' up jokes
 about bicycle spokes 

  And red balloons 

  So I called
 on my local deejay 

  And he didn't have
 a lot to say 

  But the radio 

  Has learned
 all my favorite tunes 

  Take it back 

  Take it back 

  Oh, no, you
 can't say that 

  All of my friends 

  Are not dead 

  Or in jail 

  Through rock
 and through stone 

  The black wind still moans 

  Sweet revenge 

  Sweet revenge 

  Without fail 

  The white meat
 is on the run 

  And the dark meat
 is far too done 

  And the milkman
 left me a note 



  Get outta this town
 by noon 

  Get out! 

  You're comin' on 

  Way too soon 

  Right now 

  And besides that 

  We never liked you 


  Take it back 

  Take it back 

  Oh, no, you
 can't say that 

  All of my friends 

  Are not dead 

  Or in jail 

  Through rock
 and through stone 

  The black wind still moans 

  Sweet revenge 

  Sweet revenge 

  Without fail 

  Sweet revenge 

  Sweet revenge 

  Will prevail 

  Without fail 

Special thanks to SergeiK.