Couples Retreat Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Couples Retreat script is here for all you fans of the Vince Vaughn movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Couples Retreat quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Couples Retreat Script






What was that?

Honey, are the kids up?
What are they doing?

I peed.

Kevin peed the bed.

Our bed?

All 500 thread counts
of Egyptian cotton.

KEVIN: I'm sorry.
DAVE: You're sorry?

I don't want you
to worry about it,

Itíll happen again
your freshman year
of college, trust me.

No more sodas
before bed!

Sit down here.
But I like soda.

How you doing big guy?
Good morning.

Let's have a big morning!

Let's start off with
a little breakfast,
get our Root Loops.

Here's Daddy's coffee.
And I need it.

Here's your bow of fruit,
without the loops.

Why no loop?

Daddy doesn't need loops.

DAVE: I got to eat it.
If I eat a big meal now,

then I can watch
what I eat later.

Otherwise, I'II get starved
and raid the refrigerator.

Okay, honey.
We've got to hurry up,

'cause we got
to go to hockey.

I thought you could do that

because I might try
to get a little bit of
work done today.

Honey, we have to
go by the showroom
and pick out the tile.

I want you to see it.
We talked about
this last week

and I told you
how important
today was for me.

I'm Mega Man!
May the best team win!


Okay, guys,
let's keep it down.

Keep the eyes on the...
On the screen.

You guys doing good?
BOYS: Yes.


What do you think?
Nickel brushed nickel,
chrome or brushed chrome?

I like the silver ones.

They're all silver.

Well, great.
Pick out whichever knob
that you like, then.

No, I'm not going to pick
whichever knob I like

because you know
what's going to happen?

Is that I'm going to
pick one and then
you're going to complain

once they're in and
then itíll be too late.


Dave, where the heck
have you been?

I'm picking out pulls.
Why have you been
calling me nonstop?

Well, you know how
my credit's all screwed up
because of my wife?

But you're divorced.

I need you to sign
for my motorcycle.

What motorcycle?
I'm buying a motorcycle.

Shane, you have no money.

Why in the world would you
be buying a motorcycle
that you can't afford?

Dave you're white.
You can't understand this.

This is something different.

Don't play the race card
with me, Root Loop.

I'II take him in.
You stay with Kevin, okay?

All right, go ahead.

Have fun, champ.
Go get 'em, buddy.

You should see this thing.
It's awesome.
Even Trudy loves it.

Who's Trudy?

That's my girlfriend.

Girl from the mall?

She's 20 years old, Dave.

Let's go. Let's move it.
I got bikes to move.

Listen, Shane.
You are not buying

some 20-year-oId broad
a motorcycle.

I'm not buying her anything,
it's for me!

Daddy, what's taking so long?

Hey, baby,
I'm on the phone,

and I would prefer it if you
didn't call me that in public.

But I call
all my boyfriends Daddy!

Dave you got to
do this for me.

Why don't you just lease it?

No, she'll know.

Who will know?
She's a kid.

Buy her a Hello Kitty book.

Get her an assignment
notebook and put
rainbow stickers in it.

You don't have to
buy her a motorcycle.

Did you or did you
not say, "Move on"?

I told you to
try to work it out.

Joey's the one
who told you to move on.

Can you give me a minute?

Try to make it fast, Daddy.

Dave, I'm hurting.
I would love for my wife
to come back.

But we know that's
not going to happen.

It's nice to
feel appreciated.

I need this for me.

Fine. Just text me
the address. Okay?

Pick out a helmet, baby!


RONNIE: So, honey,
this is the tile.

It's all going to happen
at once and I really
need you to dial in.

Iíll help you.

I want a sugar cone.

I'm going to hit you
after this, buddy.

Honey, you work
from 8:00 to 8:00.

You're not going to
be helping anyone.

Hang on, honey, okay?

It's just really busy
right now

because the video game
ships this month.

Now that I have you,
I just want you to dial in

and tell me
what you really think.

It's fine.

Do you love it?

As much as I can love tile,
I love this tile.

Okay, good,
'cause it's $1,000.


Is that installed?

Nope, just the tile.

Well, what is it
made out of?
Whale tusks?

No, it's not
made out of whale tusks.

This is so boring.

Give me just one second.
Let me just grab this.

Honey? We have to
do this today.

JOEY: Hello, Dave.

Yeah, hey. Look...
Just one second,
that's it.

...what are you doing
about the Jason thing?

If it's Joey,
can you ask him if he's
coming to the party?

Are you...
Are you coming to
the party on Sunday?

Yeah, yeah, Iíll be there.

Yeah, he's coming,
all right?

Give me one second.
Stay with Mom.

One second.

Jason's going to be
calling you, all right?

He s got another one of his
PowerPoint deals that...

Hold on one second. Hello?

Hey, Dave, it's Jason.

Listen, I'd love to put
something on the books
with you and Ronnie.

Are you going to make it
to Kevin's birthday
on Sunday?

Yes, I am. Now, listen,
I was hoping that

you guys would
come down here to the firm

because Cynthia and I have
a PowerPoint presentation

that would just play
in the conference room.

Okay, okay, hold on
one second. It's ringing.

Why'd you
hang up on me?

I didn't hang up on you.
You're on hold.

He's trying to get me
to see another one of his
PowerPoint things.

That stuff creeps me out.

It's just how
he communicates.

He's... He's, you know...
He's overly efficient.

Well, I don't like
hearing about ball cancer,

let alone
looking at diagrams.

Joey, he was scared.

Tell him I'm not going.

I isnít telling him
you're not going.

You know, I got him
on the other line.

You can tell him yourself.
Hold on.

I don't want to...
I don't...

DAVE: Hello, Jason?

I got Joey on the line.

Hey, Joey,
I've left you

a bunch of voice mail messages
all morning. Where are you?

Listen, I can't make it.

Well, we haven't
even set a time yet,
you know.

If you'd listened
to the voice mail,

you'd know that
this is just a feeler call

to check your temperature
on schedule.

I'm not sitting through
another slide show
about ball cancer.

Listen, pal, I'm alive today
because of early detection,
all right?

Is this about ball cancer?

'Cause I...
I'm not into that, either.

I'm going to wrap
this up right now.

No, it's not about
testicular cancer, Dave,

and if you two refuse
to check your scrotums
for hardened nodules,

I certainly can't
force you, can I?

Look, I got to go,
all right? Bye.

Dave, are you still there?
Hello, Dave?

Kevin! Kevin,
that's not a real toilet!

Sweetheart, he's pissing
in the middle of
the whole thing!

Buddy, I got to go.

But Cynthia and I
are willing to offer you
a life-changing opportunity.

Jason, you don't understand.
My son is literally peeing

right in the middle of
the store. I got to go.
Go, go, go.

Okay, but that's not
a real toilet there.

It looks like
a real toilet to me.

Yeah, it looks real. Okay.

That's a whole
other conversation.

You feel better?

Okay, let's button those up.
You want me to
get those for you?


There's not a lot to say.
Sorry about that.

LACEY: Mom, Dad's home.

Hi, hon.

Hey, how was your day?

Usual. Yours?


Okay, love you. Bye.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait a second,
wait a second.

You're going out?
Yeah, I'm going out.

What are...
What are you wearing?


That's... That's a Maxi Pad.

Dad, they're designer shorts.
They're French. Goodbye.

Could you just
come over here?
Sit down for a second.

I don't have time for this.

Come here. Sit down.
No, I'm...

I'm late and they're
waiting for me.

I know,

but you still live in my house
for another few months, okay?

Yeah, I know.
Now when you dress like that,

you send signals.

You know what kind of guy
you attract like that?

You attract
the guy with the...

With his pants around
his ass at the mail.

No, I don't!
Yes, you do.

Sweetheart, he is right.

Lacy, I'm saying
you're beautiful.

You're smart.
You're a good person.

You just got accepted
into Stanford.

We're so proud of you.

I'm just saying
know your value, okay?

And if a guy
doesn't see that,
he doesn't deserve you.

No, and you don't want to be
with those guys, honey.

Okay, then I'II go change.

Thank you.

And could you
change the pictures
on your Face book page?


It's just 'cause we love you.

Love me less.

I don't want any
bikini pictures
on the Internet!

When you're
living in my house,
you're a Taliban!

Okay? You keep
your body a secret.

Except you get to, you know,
go to school and read books.

Did you send
the tuition check?

You said you were going to.

Don't start this again.

Yeah, I didn't start with it.
You just brought it up.

You're supposed
to send the check.

You said you
weíre going to do it.

You never do anything
you say you're going to do.

Eighteen years.
Just try to hold it together
for another couple months.

Trust me,
I'm counting the days.

Do that hurt, Daddy,
or do that feel good?

It's both.
It hurt and it feel good.

Bang, bang.


Did you put in
the wide beauty shots?


Are you sure?

Why would you ask me that?

You know
I triple-check everything.

Yeah, no, I know.
It's just, you know,
super-important, okay?

We only get one shot at it.

It'd just be nice
if you could show me
a little bit of trust.

I do. Come on, I do, I do.
I just want this
to be perfect, that's all.

It's not about trust.
Come on.

I want it to be perfect, too.



LUCY: How old is she?

I think she's 20.
He met her at the mall.

She was working
at Foot Locker.

He was so in love
with Jennifer.

I am shocked he met
someone so quickly.

I know. I was hoping
they were just
taking a break.

I haven't even
heard from her
since they split up.

I think he got us
in the divorce.
You want more wine?

Cynthia, it's time.
We're all set up
in the bedroom.


You're kidding, right?
No, it's easy.

We brought our own screen.

You can't do it right now.

We're in the middle
of my son's birthday party.

It won't take long
and I know you're
going to be really excited.

Bring your booze.

Okay, then.

We're taking the wine.

MAGICIAN: Watch this, guys.
Watch. This is
a really spooky ball.


Just, could you please
put the ball cancer video on?

I'm trying, Joey.

I don't want to watch
that ball cancer video.

Where's Trudy?

Oh, she's watching
the magician.

Well, there it is. Okay.

This is not a video
and it is not
about ball cancer.

Thank God.
That's a first.

Jason and I are seriously
considering getting a divorce.

Okay? So, it's no secret

that Cynthia and I
have had our problems

trying to conceive
over the last 12 months.

That's no reason
to get a divorce.


We know.
Of course not.

But suffice it to say,
it's been more than
taxing on both of us,

and it's forced us
to question
our entire relationship.

You two are perfect
for each other.

We're just not so sure
about that anymore.

We're not in a good place.

Now, this is not a decision
that we're taking lightly.

Cynthia and I
have been together
for eight long years.

And if it's not meant to be,

we just don't want
to waste any more
of each other's time.

Yeah. Because,
if we do get divorced,

it will take
at least six months

to go through
the five stages of grief.

For the sake of argument,

let's optimistically assume
it takes six months
to find compatible mates.

Tack on another
12 months for courtship,

an additional six months
for attempting procreation...

You can see how this
starts to stack up.

Sounds like you guys
are really working
from the heart on this one.

Well, we're lost, Dave,

and so what we need to do
is we need to take
the next two weeks

and we need to find out
whether we're going to
push forward,

or whether
we're going to fold up shop.

And that is why
we are going to go here.

You're on, Cyan.

Welcome to Eden. Okay?
The ultimate playground
for couples.

It's got fun it's got sun.
It's Disneyland for adults.

Wow. That is amazing.

Yeah, you guys are
going to have a blast.

Actually, we have found
a great group rate.

Oh, there's the fine print.

No, now...
Now, Joey, you know, just...

The embarrassing fact
is that, you know,

Cynthia and I can't
afford to go to this
place by ourselves,

but if all of us go together,
it's half-price.

It's called
the Pelican Package.

Okay? It's six nights,
seven days and
it's all inclusive.

And there are
quite a few activities
you can choose from.

Who here likes to eat?

I know you guys do.
I sure do.


Why not do it
at a four-star restaurant?

You guys, it has
a state-of-the-art spa.


They've got your kayaking,
they've got your windsurfing,

they've got your canoeing,

they've got
your jet skiing.

It's got Couples
Skill Building
and snorkelling...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Back up.

What was that last thing?


No, no. Before snorkelling
and after jet skiing,

you said,
''Couples Skill Building.''

That sounds like
therapy to me.

See, that's
going to be a problem.

We don't believe
in therapy. No.

Hell to the no.

Then you don't
have to do it.

That's the great thing
about the Pelican Package,
you guys.

It really
includes everything.

Obviously, Jason and I
want to partake

in the Couples
Skill Building,

but you guys can
just do the fun stuff.

So what are we asking?

We're asking
for you guys
to fly to paradise

and have
an awesome time, okay?

I mean, this...
Come on, it would be a blast.

Jason, I got a job,

and with everything that's
going on with the house
and with the kids right now,

it would be impossible
for us to leave them.

Yeah, we can't.

When was the last time
you two took a vacation? Hmm?

I mean, don't you
want to go to this island
and have fun,

together, as a couple?

What kind of
question is that?

That's like asking
Richard Simmons,

would he rather stuff his face
or skip around to the oldies.

Of course
he'd rather stuff his face,
but he can't,

'cause he's...
He's got to stay
thin so he can...

So he can get up
and do his thing and...
And make videos.

Maybe he needs the money.
Maybe he's got
a gambling problem!

I don't know what goes on
in that dude's head!

And I'd love to go
to that island,
but I can't, either.

Not 'cause I got to
make videos like Rich,
but I got other obligations.

Listen, I can really
appreciate the situation
that you guys are in.

Right, well,
we need to know
by midnight.

We've been
on the wait list forever

and these slots
just opened up.

We'd need to leave
next week.

Next week?

That's right.

What happened to spontaneity?
What happened to fun?

I don't know.
Why don't we have
a PowerPoint presentation

on spontaneity and fun
and figure that one out?

Look Cynthia and I
need this trip, okay?

I mean, really.
You know the problem is,

you know,
we've stopped having fun

and we're not even sure
we know how to anymore, okay?

So what we need
to find out is can we
get back to the place

where we really
enjoy each other,
you know?

Can we get back
to the place of,
you know, being in love?


Cynthia's IM-in me.

Jason was
IM-in me all night.

What'd you tell him?

I Logged off.

The place did look beautiful.
You know what
it made me think?

It'd kind of be like
we got to take
our honeymoon, finally.

God, yeah.

That'd be great.



Don't you think?
I mean, I don't know,
maybe it's a girl thing.

When you're a little girl,

you dream about
your wedding and
your honeymoon...

You know.

I was pretty lucky
to get that job right away.

Yeah, of course.

I mean,
I can't even imagine...

Living in your
dad's basement
any longer? No.


It's funny
how time goes so fast.

That doesn't seem
that long ago.


Seems like we just
had so much going on

and we have ever since,

but maybe the thing
to do is just really

buckle down
over these next six months

and then when
we come up for air,
weíll go somewhere.

That sounds like a plan.


Dave? Did you hear that?

Go back to bed, honey.


What's going on?

I think there's
someone outside.


Okay, I'II check it out.


Honey, be careful.


Freeze! Do not move!

Hey, don't... No, it's me,
it's me, it's me!
It's me! It's Jason!

What's going on?

It's fine, honey,
it's Jason.


Why didn't you call?

Didn't want to wake you up.
Sorry, blew that.
Back to bed.

Are you crazy?
I couldíve
blown your head off!

What does that
say about you, huh?

Rapists don't
gently toss pebbles
at the window, Dave.

Wait, can you let me
figure it out, please?
There's too much going on.

Turn it off!

DAVE: It costs money
every time this
thing goes off.


Hello? Yeah,
everything's fine.
I'm sorry.

The password is ''ass-tactic.''
That's right.

One word. "Ass-tactic.''
''Ass-tactic.'' It's...

Okay? Ass-tactic.

That's right, it's...
Okay. Yeah. No, thank you.
We're fine.

I... Yes, thank you.

Didn't want to go
with the pet's name?

What are you
doing here, dude?

What do you think
I'm doing here?

Jas, you're showing up
to my house
in the middle of the night.

You're breaking
and entering. You're on tilt.

Yeah, I know,
I'm losing my mind.

This... The whole
fertility doctor thing is
just an absolute disaster.

We don't communicate anymore.
We're fighting all the time.

We... The only time
we have sex is,

you know
when she's ovulating,

and even then, it's cold.
It's emotionless.

It's... I don't know.

Like an oil derrick.

We used to be
very, very
spontaneous at that.

Now, it's...
I don't know.

Twice a week, tops.

That's a lot.

Is it?
How often do you do it?

It's different now,
'cause we got the kids, so...


Well, my son falls asleep
in the bed with us.

That shouldnít stop you.

That's disgusting.

I'm not saying
he should tickle
your balls.

Just move him into his room
when he falls asleep.

Jason. I can really
appreciate what you're
going through,

but, man,
this couldn't come
at a worse time.

There's just no way
that we can pull away

from everything
and go right now.

I'm sorry,
but there's just no way
we can go on the trip.

I'm just scared, you know.
Just scared.

You know, my whole life,
everything I've
known about it

for the last
eight years
might be over,

and, you know,
I'm prepared to face that,

you know,
if it's for the best.

If, you know...
If it's not there anymore,
then you know,

I'II face it. I don't
want to do that alone.

And I know that
Cynthia doesn't
want to do that alone.

You know, we'd just...
We'd love to have
our friends there.

You know that if you go,
everyone else will go.

And I have never
asked you for anything.

But I am asking
you for this, Dave.


Hey, guys, the alarm
was just an accident.

You can go back to bed.
It's just Uncle Jason.

Okay, guys. It's fine.
Let me take you back to bed.

We want you to
go on your trip.

We heard you talking
at the party

and you said
you couldn't go
because of us.

We don't want you guys
to get a divorce.


What are you
talking about, honey?
We're not getting a divorce.

But we just want you
to be happy.

Guys, we are happy.

We're very happy, honey.

Were you guys listening
to Uncle Jason's slide show?

Thank you, buddy.
That's great.

That was adult time.

And why do you think
they were listening, Jason?

I'm sorry about that.

We want you to go,
so we called Grandpa
to come take care of us.

You called Grandpa?

You called him tonight?
It's a three-hour drive.

Grandpa's coming
to babysit us.

Is Grandpa driving
down here now?


Yay! Grandpa Jim Jim's here!

You know, this has
gotten way out of hand.

I'm sorry. I just...
I wanted five minutes
of your time. I'm so sorry.

You got...
You got kids,
you got guns,

you got grandpas that,
you know...

You got to
explain infertility
and divorce and all that,

and so you got a lot
of parenting to do tonight.

I'm going to go.
I'm going to let myself
out right here.

I will, however,
take the fact that

Grandpa Jim Jim's
at the front door
as a firm, tentative yes.

Pack lots of shorts.
It's really hot there.

You're going to
sweat your bag off.
Night-night, kids!



Thank you.

This place is beautiful.

Look. Hi, hello.

Holy shit, this looks
like a screen saver!

Seems like he might
be kind of the guy.
Come on, gang.

Hi, we are the Smith party.
Party of eight.

Eight for Smith.

Jason Smith?

That's me.

Welcome to Eden.

My name is Stanley.
Spelled with a "C".

I will be escorting you
to the Eden West resort.

Please, step aboard
our shuttle.

No need to take your bags.
They will be waiting
for you in your villas.


Excuse me. Sorry.
Is this the shuttle
for the Eden resort?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
that's the shuttle.

Raq, she's still a little
buzzed from the flight.

Man, totally. Me, too.
I don't even know
what I'm doing.

Excuse me
What name are your
reservations booked under?

The San Diego Dance Academy.


Ah. You ladies are
actually travelling

on this shuttle,
to Eden East.

Bummer. Bye.

See you.


Would you care
to join your wife?

Let's do it.
Shall we?

Are they going
someplace else?

Eden East.
It is an entirely
different resort.

RONNIE: It's beautiful.

DAVE: And the luggage is
already in there, huh?

Yeah. This is yours.

DAVE: Unbelievable.

The 101.

DAVE: And we can jump
right out into this here?

You can do
whatever you like.

DAVE: Wow.

RONNIE: Look at the water.

Thank you.



I'm going to check
the bedroom.
Okay, baby.

Look at this, baby.

Oh, my God.
Look at this.

Welcome to your villa.

It keeps
getting better, huh?

It's like a little love hut.


This is insane!

Honey, they got fish
that you can see here
through the floor!

Baby, they got a hole
where you can see the fish!

Yeah, they got fish
in here, too, baby!

Jason, this is dreamy.

Baby, you can jump
right in the ocean
on this thing,

and they got
a hot tub on the deck!

They got the ocean
and they got the hot tub!

You can dive in the ocean
and you got a hot tub!

Yeah, they got
a hot tub in here, too!


Oh, my God.
You, I got to take
a picture of this.

Did I tell you?
Did I deliver?
Oh, my God.

She isnít never seen
nothing like this.

I roll like this!
Shit, yeah!

I'm glad you like, sir.

I be rolling like this.

So what goes on over there?
I hear there's music.

Is a party for
single woman and men, sir.

Yes. How do I
get over there?

No, you cannot.
You can take
the boat if you want,

but not for you.
Okay, when's the boat?
Not for me.

No, because
you got married here,

the west coast to
Eden Resort so that's
why you must keep here.

I don't understand
what you're saying.
You sound like Chewbacca.

Well, my instinct is
to stay married to her,

but what do you think
I should do?

I mean, do you get
a good vibe from us
or not-so-good vibe?

I don't know, sir.

What about this room,
in particular?

You've checked
a lot of people
into this room

and checked
a lot of people out.

Do they usually leave
happier or less happy?

I really don't know, sir.

How do I get over
to the party?

By boat or by taxi boat.

Okay. I'd like to arrange
a boat or a taxi boat.

No, it's not
possible for you.

Must to stay here
with your wife.

Okay, so how do I...



Where's the television?
The main house.

There's no TV in the room?
No, not possible.

But it's the playoffs.

As an alternative
to television,

might I recommend a stroll
to the hidden waterfall?

Might you recommend
putting honey in my ears

and having me
fall asleep on an anthill?

It's the playoffs.

Honey, the waterfall
sounds amazing.
A little romance.

Youíll find
that the Eden program
creates a palace of solitude,

if you just
give yourself over to it.

How's the cell service here?

Monsieur Marcel believes that
technology is a distraction.

Well, how about
tipping, would that
be a distraction?

I'm kidding you.

Tipping is not permitted,
nor is money of any kind.

Everything here
in Eden is free.


We do, however,
accept smiles.


Did you guys hear
what they have in the spa?

With the snow?

Did you know that
they have a steam, a rain,
and a snow room here?

It's a new European spa.

What's a Wahoo?

It's a fish.

I don't eat fish.

It's out of this world.
They catch it right here.

I used to work
at Red Lobster,

so I know what they do
with them fish
in the kitchen.

But, baby, this is not
like the Red Lobster.
It's a four-star restaurant.

I don't give a shit!
It's still Mexicans
cooking that shit

and I know
what they do to it!

I'm one-twelfth Latina,
and even if I wasn't,
I'm 100% human,

so I don't appreciate
comments like that.

I don't make fun of
to la raze, so por favour,

please don't make
fun of mi la raze.

Oh, I'm sorry boo.
I didn't mean no disrespect.

You, I was with mad Mexicans
before Shane, anyway.

Good evening. I trust
you're all settled in.

Hey, my main man!

Are you in the mood
to accept some smiles?

'Cause this spread
is phenomenal.

Why don't you
join us for a drink?
You want to pull up a chair?

We'll order some shots.

You might want to
go easy on those.
You have an early morning.

Quite the contrary.

I don't have
an early morning,

cause I tell you
what's going to go down tonight.

I am going to get
just a little bit tipsy.

And then I'm going to
go ahead and stuff my face
on the Seafood Tower,

and I plan on shutting
it down in a big way.


I, if everything goes well,
will be in my room,

passed out on my face,
come lunch-ski.

Well, I'm afraid
that isn't going
to be possible.

I'm here to present
you with your itinerary.

You guys hear that?

This is a hard
copy thing, too.

This is not like...
This isn't like

a piece of paper
with an itinerary.

This is like a book.

And the journey begins.

Couples Skill Building
at 6:00 a.m.?

Yeah, see, I was
planning on sleeping in,

and then maybe
hitting the jet skis.

That is not part of
your immediate program
here at Eden West.

But it was in the slide show.

That would be
more appropriate
at the Eden East.

What's Eden East?

The singles' resort.

Singles' resort?

Here at the Eden West,
our focus is on
renewing bonds

and nurturing
neglected partnerships.

And what's your focus
over there?

Sex, mostly.

Freeing inhibitions.

I'm sure if we play
our cards right,

weíll be having plenty of sex
here on our side.

Am I wrong, gang?

I spent three years
of therapy with Jennifer,

talking about our feelings
and our problems,

trying to hold onto
our marriage.

The last thing
I want to do is talk.

Look, I think there's been
a misunderstanding here.

See, we signed up
for the fun stuff,

with the touchy-feely shit
being optional.

Thank you.

I think it's called
the Pelican Package.

Yes, the Pelican Package,

which is monsieur Marcelís
signature course.


A healthy combination
of couple-friendly activities,

ample down time...
That's the one.

...sprinkled in
with some Couples
Skill Building courses,

designed to reignite
the dimming flames

of even the most
mismanaged relationships.

Okay, see,
these relationships
are not mismanaged.

Well, thank you, Dave. Yes.

Yeah. I'm just saying
we're here to have some fun,

so we are excited about
the couples' activities,

as well as some down time.

It's the flame-lighting thing
that does not
have us inspired.

That's more suited for
this particular couple here.

I don't think you're
quite understanding me.

Monsieur Marcelís
Pelican Package

is not a fast-food
restaurant wherein

you pick what you want
from a menu.

Monsieur Marcel is
the single most-recognized

couples whisperer
in the entire world.

Couple whisperer?

He has studied psychology,
yoga, tai chi,

The Art of War,
and combined them
to form this place, Eden.

The Mecca for couples.

He has designed a program
specifically for you.

You either partake
of the entire meal
or have none of it.

I think you're being
a little extreme here,
Mr. Belvedere.

We have a very long
waiting list.

If there's been some
kind of misunderstanding,

I'd be happy to
refund your money,
and you can go on your way.

We will, however,
not be able to
refund your airfare.

No it's just that
we were excited

about the sightseeing
and the hiking

and the jet skiing and
the snorkelling. It's...

Well, there are
plenty of places

that provide
those activities.

Perhaps this troupe
might be more comfortable

at a Sandals
or a Club Med.

This here is
monsieur Marcel's Eden.

Now, if you're not
at Couples Skill Building
by 6:00 a.m.,

Iíll take that
as you want
your refund

and will not be
completing the program.

Screw him! Where does he get
the ass to run down Sandals?

Sandals rocks.

It's just one little thing
we have to do.

Itíll be over in a few hours
and then we have fun
the rest of the day.

You know, let's just
not forget why we came.

This is not what
we signed up for!

This is not what
we signed up for.

I don't remember
ever seeing "mandatory,''

but, listen,
we just go with it.

Now we're on Han's Island
about to do
the thing with Bruce Lee.

Guys, guys,
I don't think there's
any reason to overreact

right off the bat, okay?

the meal is included,

from what he said,
so let's just sit here,

weíll weigh the pros and cons
from a calm place,
weíll make a decision.

DAVE: That was amazing.

RONNIE: Oh, might have been
the best meal I've ever had.

JASON: Well, could be
a full week of those.

What are you doing?
Your last course.



It is so beautiful here.
I can't wait to go
see that waterfall.

The weather is perfect,
we got huts on the water,
and now I am eating art.

So we give up
a little bit of our day
to talk about feelings.

How bad can it
really be, right?


Welcome to Eden Resort.

I am Marcel.


I know why you are all here.

You are here
to seek the answer

to the most commonly
asked question by all,

how do we make it work?


I have laid out
a personalized program

designed to
challenge you all,

both as couples
and as individuals.

If you follow
diligently my program,

the answer to this question
will be revealed to you,

as well as your
inner animal spirit.

This I promise.

I do not, however,
promise that you
and your chosen partner

will have what it takes
to sustain it.

Please, line up on the beach.

Take your places.

Out here?

This way.
Men on one line,
facing the ocean.

Women, back to the water.

Now remove your mask.


Oh. All right.

It's a freeing exercise.

This is starting to get
a little creepy now.

It'd mean a lot to me
if you'd just take your
pants off, all right, Dave?

Is that why
you brought me here?

This is...
What is this?

You must undress,
my friend.

I'm afraid that's not
a option for me today,
you know, man.

It's the program.

Right. I don't have
any drawers, though.

Well, Stanley said
he had this conversation
with you last night.

Now, if you've chosen to stay,
you've chosen to participate.

Now if you're not
wearing any drawers,

then, hey,
that was meant to be.

Let it all hang out.

Expire. Explore
with your eyes.

Explore your mate.

We are all made
in God's image.

That means we
are all perfect.

Stand with pride.
Look closer.
Own your bodies.


And now,
tell your partner a truth.
A beautiful truth.

You look like the earth.


Why are you listening
to what I'm saying?

Why don't you have
your own conversation?

It's hard to have
my own conversation
when you're telling Cynthia

that she looks
like the earth.

Did you hear what I said?

Yeah. I'm not really
sure I like that one.

Well, I just mean that,
you know, you look
bountiful. Okay?

Fruitful. Fertile.

Okay. Now this is
getting uncomfortable.

Please, make a palace
of solitude between you
and your partner.

Why are you
wearing trousers?


I explained
to the guy in the dress

that I didn't have
any drawers on.

Yes, but this exercise
is about owning your body.


What is your name, dear?


Trudy. What a beautiful name.

Please, tell him
that you love his body.

For real?

I love your body.


Of course!
So powerful, so strong.

Powerful frame
with layer upon layer
of dormant, relaxed muscle,

waiting like a panther,
to pounce on its
quivering prey.

Please, take off
his pants. Yes.

I'm not ready
to pounce today.


I don't have
any drawers. No. No.
Right here, baby.

It's okay. It's okay.

Sorry, I'm sorry.

Here it comes.
Here it comes.



Wonderful! Stare at it!
Stare at all of it.

Is his junk out?


Is his junk literally
out of his pants?


Now it's a party.

How would you describe
your relationship?

Average. Great, yeah.

Great. Average.
I mean, yeah.

And, to clarify,
what is an "average,
great'' relationship?

Well, we...
We make it through things
pretty good together.

You know,
we have two great kids.

No one's called in the middle of the night.


Like there's not
domestic violence
in the... The... Yeah.

Ronnie, when you say
you ''make it through
things together,"

what do you mean?

Well, you know,
the usual stuff.
Work, kids.

I'm much less interested
in ''the usual stuff''

and much more interested
in your particular stuff.

So, what do you
make it through together,

Well, right now,

Dave is dealing
with his new launch

of his video game,
Guitar Hero.

He sells Guitar Hero.

And I am dealing
with the renovations.

That's interesting.

What's interesting?

Why do you keep
writing stuff down
on your little pad there?

Oh, I'm taking notes.

Would it make you
more comfortable
if I didn't take notes?

Yeah, actually,
it would make me
more comfortable.

Thank you.

That's interesting.

So we want to make
the most of our time
here on the island,

so what we did
was we put together
a little informational packet

to bring you up to speed
on our relationship.

Go ahead. That's for you.

It just contains
pertinent medical data,

family histories,
you know, stuff like that.

Everything but a mix tape.

How would you
your marriage?



Well, let's start
with something easy, then.

What's your favourite thing
about your partner?


She's a good mom.

He really is a great dad.

And where did you meet?

School. High school.
High school. Yeah.

She was a cheerleader.
I was on the football team.

I coach now,
but I used to play.

And we had...
We actually had
our daughter... We...

On prom night,
we conceived Lacy

and it was a little
confusing at the time,
but it's been a blessing.

It's been the best thing
that's ever happened to us.

It's been the best thing
that ever happened to us.

We did the right thing.

How often do you have sex?

She wants me to be
tougher, screw harder.

Work less,
but bring home more.

I can't keep
this shit straight.

All I know is whatever I do,
it's not good enough. Mmm.

{SIGHING} It's over.

Then why are you here?

This is not my wife.
This is Trudy.
I met her a couple weeks ago.

Can we go
boogie boarding now?

And once people knew
what we were going through,

I think my cortical levels
just shot up through the roof.

Because it's difficult
to go through

a very private
struggle publicly.

I heard what you think,

but you know what
I'm really interested in

is hearing about
how you feel.

Just tell her how you feel.

Well, I think
if you looked at
everything that...

No, no, no, no.
Just... Don't explain
intellectually how you feel.

You know, just tell her
how you feel. In one word.





Very good.




That is it.

We're awesome at feelings!

Okay. Nice job today, guys.

That's all for today?
Great job.
That's all for today.

All right well, great.

How did we do?
Did we do good?

I mean,
are we going to make it?

Well, you know, it's just
our first session, you know.

We're not looking
for an end result here.
It's not a competition.

I get all that,
but have you seen couples
that are worse off than us?

Or are we that far gone?

Are you going to put a...
Like a numerical value on it?

You know, Doc?
Like a one to 10?

One being worst,
10 being best?

No, hang on one second.
Where would you put us?

Right where you are, sir.

What if someone put
a gun to your head
right now and said,

''You have to
answer this second
or I'II shoot.

"Are they going to make it?''
What do you say?

What would you say?

Whoa! Okay, no one has a gun
to my head, Mr. Smith.

It's hypothetical.

It's not a place for
inappropriate behaviour.

And you definitely don't
pull a hypothetical gun
on your therapist.

{SOFTLY} Sorry.

It's okay.

Let's clear the karma. Okay?

Iíll holster this.

See, you know,
I work 10 hours a day,

so by the time I come home,
I'm exhausted.

It's not that I don't
want to answer questions
about the house renovation.

I really just don't
want to answer questions
about anything.

But, you know,
you may just be
shutting your mind off,

but it can feel
like you're shutting
your partner off as well.

Again, that's a caution area.

And just
as a point of interest,

when you speak
that way, David,

you're really de-prioritizing
your teammate.

Excuse me?

It's called ''crossing
emotional boundaries.''

Or, more commonly,
''bulldozing.'' And it's ugly.

Ronnie, when you
spoke earlier of...

Let me just find it
in my notes here.


There it is. You said,
"We make it through
things well together.''

That doesn't sound very fun.

You don't want to
look back and say,
''I made it through my life.''

We want to enjoy our projects,
enjoy our work week.

We want to enjoy our lives,
celebrate our lives.

And all this talk
about my project

and his work,
and my this and his that,

and mine and his,
and mine and... It's...

Where's us in all that?

Where is our journey?
I don't hear it.

And it's because
it's not there.

Listen. I'm not saying
that there's not

some really
stressful times sometimes,

because there is,
but it works for us.

Does it?

I don't know.

Oh, gosh,
I don't know, you guys.

There's no ''us.''
There's no ''we.''

You two could be
perfect strangers.

I think the one thing
that we can agree on, today,

is that you guys should be
doing a lot better
than just "works."

Pretty sure
that's why you're here.

Oh. That's it. Great.
Great job, everybody.
Thank you.



Good day, sir.
I got room service for you.
I'm very sorry.

I didn't order that.

I think your wife,
she called me for you.


This is just...
Because I got a sunburn,

'cause it was...
The sun was
very strong today.

Yeah. I know.
This is good
for sunburns, right?

No. Okay.

It's good, yeah?

It's good for sunburn?

Okay, so I don't
see anything.

See what?
There's nothing to see.

Yeah, yeah, no, no, no.
It works great.

Okay, I move now.
No. That was...
That was...

There's nothing to move.
I... I was...
I had a sunburn.

Good night, sir.

Now we will enjoy
looking at the fish!

See and take in
with your eyes

all the beauty
the ocean has to offer!

As these new things
come at you,

you may not have
seen them before,

but be open to them
and find the beauty within.

Hey, buddy.

Thanks a lot
for bringing me
to Problem Island.

What are we going to
do for an encore?

Talk about all the people
that we slept with
before we were married

and really stir shit up?

What the hell
are you talking about?

The therapist
is trying to
create a problem

in my marriage
that doesn't exist!

Maybe he's not creating them,
maybe he's just noticing them.

Okay, you know what?
Don't start with me.

I'm serious. I don't need it.
These are
the best in the world

at what they do, all right?

If Jeff Gordon told you
that your oil was low,

you might want to
think about changing it.

From the bucket,
feed them!

My therapist
is kind of pushy.


God, I like ours.

Yeah, he said that
Dave and I take
each other for granted.

That, you know,
our relationship has
become more like a job.

How do you mean?

For example,
he says that Dave
is de-prioritizing me,

that he doesn't
pay attention to
what I actually want.

Yeah, but, honey,
that's just Dave
being Dave, you know?


But so then, what if
Dave being Dave
is sort of like

Dave bulldozing me?

Please continue
to look at the fish!

Enjoy them
as they come at you!

I get it, dude,
it's advanced snorkelling.

Dave... Hey,
I'm trying to do
this exercise!

Why don't we talk about this
during down time, okay?

This might be
what the therapist
is referring to.

You're missing out on life.

It's happening
right now, out here,
all around us, all right?

And you're too busy
about your problems

to enjoy all these
beautiful little fish
that are...



Marcel, we have
a real problem here!

It is not a problem!
It is a circle of life!

The circle of life
is circling our
lives right now!

Do not move, do not panic.



Okay, it's all
happening, Marcel!

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God...

MARCEL: Don't worry!

These are only
lemon sharks!

This is all
part of the course.

It is like life.
Like in relationships.

They will not attack
unless they feel attacked!

Marcel, I need you
to take the French
out of your mouth

and tell me what to do!

Don't let them
see your fear.

Okay, I think
we just hold tight,
we play it cool,

we don't make a move.

What was that?

What was that?
Jason stop...

He said not to panic!
He said not to panic!

I'm sitting in blood!
I'm sitting in blood!

Marcel, this isn't
a drill, buddy!

You got real sharks here!
It's time to get the guns,

and it's time to
shoot some fish!

Here on Eden,
there are no guns!

You got an American life
at stake.

One life is not
more important
than another.

What do I do?

My friends
and my wife
left me to die.

You must get out
of the chum, but slowly.


Swim slowly
out of the chum!

RONNIE: Slowly
Slowly. Yes, yes.

Slowly, baby!

I don't know what to do.

I don't know
if I'm standing still
or I'm swimming.

Swim now! Stop!

They're torturing me!
They're playing with me!

They're slow-playing me!
Shoot them!

Swim slowly.

Swim, swim, swim.

Save yourselves!
Go to shore!
It's too late!

They've got me!
It's only a matter of time!

There's no sharks
around you, honey.
You're safe now, baby.

I don't know
what's going through my mind!
I'd love some ice cream.

I'd love some ice cream,

with maybe
some pecans in it!

Couples' massage
is part of your program
and so important.

It gives you
the chance to bond,
relax, reconnect.

We prefer to bond
on our own.

Okay, would you prefer male
or female therapists?

What would you recommend
more for like a nurturing,
pampering, motherly energy?

Would that be
a man or a woman,
do you think?

A woman.

Well, I'm just
so tight in my shoulders.
Do you have any...

Let me see.

We do have a male masseur
available, madam.

Daddy, I can't wait
to get my drink on tonight!

Is this whole thing uphill?
Where's the downhill part?

We going to get
our groove on tonight.
Right, Daddy?

Of course, baby.
You know how we do it.

Well, hello.





Who are you?

I am Xavier
and I will be your
man-sear for today.




Twenty, 30, 40, 50...





What's your name?


What a beautiful name.

Well, thank you.

Do you mind
if I heat up the lotion?

No. Heat that lotion up.

The hotter the better.

What kind of massage
do you want?
You left it blank.


Korean? I am not
familiar with Korean.

Dealerís choice.
Whatever releases
the most tension.


Oh, that feels so good.

Thank you.

I can't tell you
how much I need this.
It has been a long time.

Oh, I love
pleasuring people.

So do I.

I mean, it's not my job,

but it is a job
that I love doing,
if you know what I mean.

I know exactly
what you mean.

So, Joey, do you
have any problem areas?

I hold a lot of tension
in my upper thighs.

Weíll get to
your upper thighs.

It's just the top
of my quads.

As a matter of fact,
if you want to do, like,

the full 80 minutes
on the thighs, I'm good.

Whatever you want.

Oh, I need this.
You have no idea.

Oh, you got great hands.

Okay, Joey,
what I want you to do for me
is just close your eyes.

Quiet that mind, okay?

Just listen to my voice.

Feel the sound
slide down my throat

and come out
through my mouth.

{SOFTLY} Down my throat,
come out through my mouth.

Down my throat...

Keep going, keep going.

Sir, I'm so sorry.

No, no, no. Don't be sorry.
You shouldnít be sorry.

No, I aroused you.

You should be proud.

This hasn't happened
to me in a long time.

Are you attempting to have
a manual stimulation
from me, sir?

Am I...

I am here on a couples
retreat with my wife
in the other room.

My husband Scott
is just like a cat.


My husband.

I'm trying to save
my marriage here.
Look what you did to me.

Well, that wasn't
my intention, sir.

It wasn't mine, either,
and now I'm humiliated.

Well, I'm sorry.

You told me not to think.

Well, when I don't think,
this is what happens.

You can't leave me
all backed up like this.

What do you
want me to do, sir?

I don't know. We got to
figure out a solution.

You know, let's not take
anything off the table.

Let's start brainstorming.
We're both in a maze together,

How do we get the cheese?

I'm sorry, sir,
but that is not going to
have a happy ending.

Give me the oil.

Go grab a smoke.

Daddy, this is awesome!

You, they should
put me up in a video
on this bitch!

Don't go chasing waterfalls

Stick me in the ocean
lama going to make it look
real good

You go, girl.


Daddy's got to ice
his knee, baby, okay?

If you just let me
recharge my battery,

I promise, thisíll be more
for you later, okay?

I was bit by a shark.

Were you bit
or were you nipped?

I mean, if you had been bit,

you probably would have lost
a great deal of blood and...

What difference
does it make
to you two, anyway,

what you would call it?

It hurt.
And I had shark teeth
penetrate my skin.

And besides, Jason,
it's your fault
that it happened.

The only reason
I got bit
in the first place

is because you did
the worst thing

you could possibly do
in that situation.

You panicked and you threw
a bucket of chum in my face.

I did the prudent thing
and I got the hell
out of the water.

There were sharks
in there, David.
What was I supposed to do?

You know what?
Remember it
however you want to

and Iíll remember it
how it actually happened.

Dave. I mean, really,
did they penetrate your skin?

Do you really
need that bandage?

Lucy, I don't know
what to tell you, okay?

You tell me
if I need the bandage.

It looks like
you scraped yourself
on the ladder,

maybe, on the way out.

I'm sorry?

Did you get out of
the water abruptly?

Hey, I don't know
how to explain it to you.
Maybe I have tough skin.

Perhaps lemon sharks
don't leave
that bad of a mark.

Maybe they're
pack animals

and they're marking me
for later. I don't know.

Dave, I was in a car
accident once, okay?

And it was really scary,
I had nightmares. But when...

I've been
in a car accident, too.

Have you ever been
bit by a shark?

I was never bit by a shark.
I'm just saying that
I understand. My...

Say it again.
I was in a car accident.

No, say the last part.

I was never bit by a shark.

That's it! Then you
shouldnít talk about it.

And I'm not going to sit here
and try to explain myself

to a bunch of
black and white
suburban trash

who don't know a damn thing
about the ocean.

And you understand
the ocean, honey?

I have some real
field experience,
honey, yeah.

I had a shark attack.

I'm part of
a very elite group.

Like people who have been
struck by lightning.

Not everyone can say
that they've had that

and maybe that's what's
going on here today.

You know what?
I don't want to get
in an argument with it.

I really don't.
You know what?

I'm really exhausted.
It's been a long day.

I'm going to go
back to the room.
You want to come with me?

Baby, I thought
we were going to go
to the waterfall tonight

and have a little
alone time.

I'm a shark attack survivor.


I'm fried.

Honey, I think
the fear was a lot worse
than the actual attack,

which I can
totally appreciate,

but the good news
is you weren't hurt,

so let's not ruin
the evening over it.

I'm sorry?

Honey, you weren't hurt.

Good night.

Where you going?

Come on, okay,
you got bit by the shark.

You got bit,
I believe you!

We're here all the time,
so let's take that opportunity
to go to bed.

Honey, we'll go
to the waterfall with you.

Weíll grab our drinks and go.

Yeah. We could
all go together.
Itíll be beautiful.

Hon? I was thinking
that maybe

we might go back
to the room, huh?

Bolt the door,
draw the shades, huh?

Just shut
the whole world out

and sit Indian-style and
really explore our feelings.


Daddy! Wake up!

It's too deep!

You, you having a nightmare.
You isnít even in the water.
It's nighttimes.

Look, you said
we was going to have fun,
so let's get up, let's dance,

let's do a shot,
let's do something.

Baby, let's just
go back to the room,
all right?

I don't want to go
back to the room.
I don't want to go to sleep.

We're not going to sleep.

We're not?


What we going to do in there?


For real?

So how was your night?

My husband
found himself in a very
traumatic shark situation.

Here we go.

As we were planning
to go to the waterfall
and have a romantic evening,

because, as you know,
we don't do that
very often

because of
the kids and work...

But somehow, this crazy,
traumatic shark experience

was enough to make him
neglect his wife.

Ronnie, nice to meet you.
Well said.

David, how did that
make you feel?

l know my truth.

Excuse me?
l know my truth.

Did you say,
''l know my truth"?

Oh, boy.

Listen, lama telling you,
you getting on my last nerve!

You, l didn't
sign up for this!

You, you said
we was going to be dancing.

You said we was
going to be partying.

You said we was going to be
doing what we do.

You made promises, Daddy.

Boo-Boo, look,
they got me doing
a lot of activities.

What do you expect from me?

lama tired.

You tired?
You, lama tired.

Plain and simple,
l isnít having it.

Sometimes we forget
how to do the easiest
thing in the world,

which is just
to talk to each other.

Okay, let's start here.
Lucy, you go first.

l want you to look
at Joey and say hi.

And Joey,
after you've heard that,

l want you to
look back at Lucy
and say hello in return.

And then we'll just see
where it goes
from there, okay?



You kept saying
''open'' and "fruitful"
and other weird stuff.

That's not feeling,
it's just more talking
in short half-sentences,

and you managed
to turn feeling
into a job or an activity,

and it was exhausting.

So now it's my fault
that you don't
feel satisfied!

Everything is my fault?
ls that what you're saying?

lama not saying that!
lama crazy?
You don't look at me!

You don't ever
ask me how l am!
l work!

You haven't looked
at me in 10 years!

lama crazy and
everything is my fault,

and my family is awful,
and nothing at all
is your fault!

'Cause you rock, Joey!

lf a guy talked
to me like that,
l'd punch him in the face.

You're such an asshole!

You're an asshole!

itís like a little kid
who gets a puppy
for the first time,

just hugs it so much,
snaps its neck.

Cynthia's your puppy.

itís puppy-cradle
death syndrome.

All that love is
going to snap that puppy.

JASON: Yeah, but...
You don't want that!


The dawning of a new day.

A marriage is not
a timeless agreement.

it is one day.
And each day,
it begins anew.

Life is made of them,

much the same
as a great mosaic.

A thousand little pieces
that make one great image.

But the most important
thing in life is...


And today, we open
the door to breath

with a shared
yoga group experience.

Our instructor, Salvador,
is running late.

So l will touch on tomorrow.

it is very important
that you are here
before sunrise,

as well as not eat
or drink anything
too late tonight.

As you pursue knowledge,

as well as your
own individual
animal spirits,

it is very important
that you strictly
follow your programs.

Failure to do so
will definitely
take you off your path

and lead you away
from the answers you seek.

lama sorry, monsieur Marcel.

Why is it so important
for us to be on time tomorrow

when Pablo, the yoga guy,
is running late today?

Quiet, please.

The yoga teacher's punctuality
is not your concern.

You are to be
here before sunrise.

Why is it so important for us
to be here on time tomorrow?
lama not understanding.

Why can't we eat
or drink tomorrow?

What, is he going to probe us?

Who is that?

Oh, my.


l guess that's
the yoga guy.

This just gets
better and better.

Well, hello.
l am so sorry lama late.

l just swam
from the other side
of the island.

Please, allow me to put on
something more proper
before we can begin.

Thank God.

There we go.
Much better.

Now, who is ready
for their yoga?

My name's Jason.

Pleasure, hi.

Cynthia. Hi.
Can't wait.

Hello, Cynthia.

Yes, we have a brave peacock.
Use that. Yes.

Yes. Hi, you must be

Yeah, how did you know?

Why, l have read
that you have studied
the yoga for five years.

Oh, well, l mean,
just off and on, you know,
before the kids came.

Nonsense. You know,
there is such thing
called the muscle memory?

And l could tell
by looking at your gait,
your muscles remember.

Thank you.

Okay, we are going to do
the children's position.

What's that?

Head down, buttocks up.

Everybody on your mats.

Yeah, that's good.
That's good.
Very nice posture. Yes.


So I will
transfer you my energy.
l will transfer my karma.

Here is my karma on you.


You have a great aura. Yes.


Yes! This is
a great way to stretch.

You see?

You could do this
with your partner at home.

Let's ride this energy out!

Keep your chin up.

Yes, this fire
has just started.
And we will not put it out.

What is he doing?

I don't really
know that pose.

Okay, now we go
into the happy baby pose.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Please regard me.

I'm sorry?
Please, allow me.

To do what?
Regard me.



You are doing
fantastic, my dear.

Thank you. Okay.

See as I gently pulsate.

{MOANING} Okay...

Trying to go
deeper and deeper,

and bring her
deeper and deeper
into a stretch, yes?

Okay, Fabio,
that's enough of
the pulsating. Please.

Then do it! Yes!
Encouragement, my friend.

Yes, fantastic progress.
Yes, put your shoulders back.

Yes. Now feel the energy.
Feel that energy. Yes.

Through your chest.
Your peacock chest. Yes.

Good! You like that?
Yes. Good job.

Yes. Great job.


There, you need to find
your mental equilibrate.

Not on my knees,
man, that hurts.

itís okay, it's okay.

Know your limits, yes?

There is no giving up
in yoga, you know?
Encouragement, yes!

Encouragement my ass, Daddy!
You isnít even trying!

Look, yoga's
not my strong suit.

Yoga's not your strong suit?

Oh, look at this one.
This little one is flexible.

She's good.
She's really good.

Ooh, fantastic.

So you do like the lizard.

Now is when we transfer
the energy, you see?

Yep. And you just lay
everything on top of her?

Yes. Lay it on.

JASON: That feels
pretty good, hon.?




Am l straight enough here,
do you think?
Or am I curving a little?

Let me show you.

You feel the transfer
of the energy.

Well, it feels solid.

it is tantric energy.

it is karma. Yes.

Okay, now l want all my girls
in a downward dog position.

Yes, this pose contains
a tantric hip thrust.

Now you and l will try this.

You got a pose
called "Yoga Guy
Gets His Ass Kicked"?

'Cause that's
my favourite one.


l feel your anger, yes!

Yes, l got your
blood pumping, yes? No?
Now use it! Harness it!

Hmm. Boom!

Everybody into
the children's pose!

Heads down.

Close your eyes. Yes?

Yes, good.
Let's breathe.

Excuse me, Salvador?
I feel like my sacrum
is really tight.

Could you just help me
stretch it out a little?

Yes, of course, l will play
the role of your husband.


Boom, boom...


The rain room has fire.
l did not see that coming.

l was getting cantered.
l was enjoying the island.

What if Joey had seen?

Lucy, it was
really inappropriate.

Well, l didn't know that
you were so concerned
about how Joey felt.

What's that supposed to mean?

Let's drop it.

All lama saying is that
it was pretty uncomfortable.

Well, then why
were you staring?

it was hard to miss.

Trust me, Salvador is
the least of our problems.

itís freezing in here.
Why would they make
a room like this?

You should have
seen my masseuse.
She was so hot.

You're supposed to be
relaxing out here.

Why do you think
l wanted to get
a full release?

You know what?
l don't even want to
get into this with you.

Into what?

l don't want to get into
this conversation with you.

Why is that?

Because I don't want
to be put in a position
where l'd have to lie.

Why are you getting
al high and mighty on me?

No, lama not so
high and mighty.
Joey, lama not judging you,

lama just not asking
anything because

l don t want...
l don't want to know.

Because that way,
if someone asks me...

You won't have to
rat me out.

l would never rat you out.
Of course l wouldn't rat
you out.

Right, right.
But this way,
l don't have to

make that decision
because l really don't know.

All right, let me
ask you something, then.

Could you honestly
say that after
seven years together,

that you get turned on
by the same woman?

l do.

Without going to
the highlight reel.

You're playing
a verbal shell game.

l... You have to make
your own decisions.

lama just saying
l don't want to know.

lama saying, if you're...
When you're sleeping
with her,

if you're hitting up
some fan favourites,

l think you're cheating
on some level.

You might not be
acting on it,
but you're fantasizing.

You know what?
l don't know what
journey you're on,

but I... l can't
take this trip with you.

But if l told you,
as a friend...

l came up to you, l said,
"Hey, Dave, lama attracted
to men.''

l was thinking about
their bodies and things,
but I didn't act on it

because lama straight
and l was being very strong,

would you consider me
straight or gay?

lf l desired a man.

lf l was thinking
about a man's body,

like how the light
reflects off of his
sweaty back...


Am l interrupting something?

We're great.
Have a seat.
Want to sit down?

Enjoy this. Enjoy it.

No, lama good here.
Thank you.

lf l was sleeping
with my wife

and thinking about, like,
a dude's wet mouth...

Snow and steam huh?
ls this place outstanding?

Okay, Jason,
let me ask you
a question here.

ls the highlight reel
considered cheating?

The highlight reel? No.

lama just saying
everybody cheats
and everybody lies,

and whether they act upon
it or not is a secondary

So you're saying
that you can't tell

the difference between
the highlight reel...

l can tell the difference.

...and physically,
really cheating on

Don't say it to me
like l can't
tell the difference.

Well, that's what
you're saying!

You're saying
that they're related,

then they're somehow
in the same family.

No, no. I'm saying
you own a Jack Russell,
l own a Bull Terrier.

They're both dogs.
They're both terriers.

Mine's just a little more
aggressive than yours.

l own a zebra,
you own a goat.

What the hell's that
have to do with
cheating on your wife?

Right, they're
both animals.

Are you out of your mind?
How would you feel
if your wife cheated?

Guys? Listen to me.
Trudy's gone.

What do you mean?

l went to the room

and all her stuff was gone.

Where do...
Where do you think she went?
Like she...

SHANE: l don't know.
We had a argument at therapy.

She said she was sick of
my senior citizen bullshit.

l've been trying
to keep up with her,
but lama a old ass!

Shane, honey,
it's not your fault.

No, it's bullshit.
itís my fault.
l should have worked harder.

Now she's gone!

She's not gone.
l know where she is.

Sit down.

How do you know
where she is?

Now use your head.

She's a young girl.
She wants to party.
She wants to get wild.

Too late to leave the island.
Where is she?

Where's the only
place she could go?

Eden East,
the singles' side.

We got to go get her.

You're damn right we do!
And lama going with you!

l am not letting you
go alone!

l don't care if l have
to go there all night!

To find Trudy.
We're going to go
find Trudy for him!

We can't even go
to that side, all right?

And it's going to get
very dark, very soon.
Plus we have to be in bed...

What are you talking about?

Listen to me.

We have to be
to bed at a very
reasonable hour tonight

because we cannot
miss the sunrise
in the morning.

Now, Marcel said
if we miss that sunrise,

we will not be
completing our course.

We are here for the course,
all right?
DAVE: Yes.

And stop eating
and drinking, as well.

Honey, our friend
is asking for our help.

She's 20 years old,
for God's sake.

She's probably
with a bunch of dudes,
like, sweating,

drinking and dancing
it out of her system.
What's the problem?

Let her spend
the night on Hump Island!

l promise,
she's going to come back here
first thing in the morning!

Dave, firstly...

l don't want her
to spend a night
on Hump Island.

No, l...
lama just trying to say

it's not like she's
kidnapped or something.

Now she's dead, Dave? Huh?

Now she's dead?
She's dead, now?
She's not dead.

She's dead on Hump Island!

I'm just trying to put it
in perspective for you!

You know what?
l don't even know
why lama blowing up at you,

because it... itís...
Once again, it's my fault.

This is a Shane thing.
I've been dealing
with this all my life.

First Jennifer,
and now Trudy.

We're going to find her, okay?
l got a plan.

l know how to get there.

You do?

Yeah, l do.

l just can't tell you now
'cause we got
Mr. Belvedere clocking us.

Now everybody
take it real casual.

Just drink
your drinks and smile.

So we just make it all nice.

Everything's easy, fun,
we're drinking,
we're smiling.

Okay? We can't leave
till sundown.

Guys, we all need
to be together first thing
in the morning, okay?

Which is exactly why
we have to find Trudy.

we won't all be there.

Let's get out of here now.
Reconvene later at the beach,
at 1900 hours.

You with me?

Joey, we are not going to be
able to finish the program
if we get caught!

All right, bring it in.

Hey, come on, Shane!

We walk to the other side,
we get caught.

This way, we canoe out
nice and easy,

we find ourselves
a nice, quiet beach.

We pull up.
We find the singles' side,

we find a dance floor,
we find some cocktails.

And we find Trudy
and we bring her back...

Yeah, we find Trudy
and we bring her
right back here.

This is crazy.

Trust me.
l was an Eagle Scout.

My mind is a compass.
l can handle
these situations.

l've been trained to do so.

Now follow me
and lama going to
get you there,

but we got to do it quick
and we got to do it quiet.

Come on.

These are not
the best laid plans, okay?

lama just going to go
on record right now, okay?

l do not think
this has a high chance...

If we keep up this pace,
we'll be there in 20 minutes!

l hope so!


What was that?

Great! Awesome!

What do we do?


Jason! Cynthia!

RONNIE: Cynthia!

Grab the oar!

Are you okay?

You all right?


We got to go to shore!

we're out of synch again.

You know, you got to paddle
on the opposite side
of the boat!

Well, Jason,
l can't see which side
you're paddling on!

Well, turn around
and take a look
every once in a while.

we are going to capsize again.
You get that, right?

it was an accident.

I'll bet it could
have been avoided.

Right? Am l right?
Baby, l need you to paddle.

Cynthia, paddle
the boat, please!

You know what?

Sit down. You've got
to sit down in the boat!

Cynthia! Cynthia!


What are you doing?

Cynthia! Cynthia!
Hey! Cynthia!

Thank God.
Thank God that is over!

l mean, who jumps
out of the canoe?

You could have really
hurt yourself out there!

Put these on. Cynthia?
Jason, l have had it!

l can't do everything
exactly the way you want!

l can't control the ocean
and row the boat
and stop the waves!

Calm down!

And l can't do anything
about the fact that
l can't get pregnant!

This is nuts.

No, it's me.

And l just really need
some time right now.

Please stop following me,
'cause l need to be
away from you.

Come on. What are you doing?
Hey, hey, where you going?
That's a jungle!

You know what?
lama going to go
check on her, okay?

Great, thank you.

Yeah, you guys go ahead.

lama going to make sure
she's okay.

Honey, l don't think
it's a good idea

that everyone
separates right now.

l really don't think
we have a choice.

Let me just go talk to her.

No, Jason, she really
needs a minute, okay?

All right, go ahead.
l got to go.

You guys go ahead!

We'll meet you guys there!

So, what are we
going to do about Trudy?

What are we going to
do about Cynthia,

who just disappeared
into the jungle?

Jason, she's upset.
Let her cool down.
You'll talk to her later.

We still got to get Trudy
to do all the Marcel stuff,
anyway, all right?

So let's just get her ass
and let's get back home.

Cyan, please slow down, honey.
l think we're almost there.

l think we might have
taken a wrong turn.



Finally made it
to the waterfall.

l think my marriage is over.


Honey, don't say that.
You're just exhausted.

l am. lama so tired
of him trying to steer
everything in the direction

that he thinks
is right all the time.

Listen. Don't make
any decisions right now.

You guys just need
to take a breather.

Get a little bit
of space, you know?

You'll be okay. You know?

You guys have been
on top of each other
ever since we got here.

No, that's the...
Actually, the one thing
that we haven't done.

We haven't had sex
since we've been here.

We've barely even
touched each other.

Now, Cynthia and l
are in a terrible spot.

l come to this island,
l come to the program
to get some answers,

find out my animal spirit...

Let me help you out
on the whole
animal spirit thing.

itís going to be awesome!
it always is.

itís like if you go
to a tarot card reader
for past lives,

you're always
something cool...
Dave... a king
or a gunfighter.

No one ever finds
out that they were,

like, a shopkeeper
or an asshole.

JASON: ls this
hilarious to you?
'Cause it's not to me.

Tell you what. lf l get
kicked off this island,
lama going to blame all of you.

And l can't believe
l let the two
of you derail me!

We derailed you?
That's correct.

lf you kept
a closer eye on Trudy,

she wouldn't
have strayed so far
from the pack, all right?

She's not a dog, Jason.
Yeah? Well, listen,

she's been
very selfish, hasn't been
a very good teammate.

l can tell you that.
No, no, no, no, no.

Look, l made promises,
l let her down.

You don't know
the ins and outs
of our relationship.

ls that what it is?
itís a relationship?
itís been two weeks, okay?

All right?
That's not a relationship.

itís more like an antibiotic
cycle, all right?

She should be very happy
that she's even here.

You're a good guy.
You brought her
to this island.

She shouldn't be
running off.

She should be
doing everything
that she can,

bending over backwards
to make you happy.

Don't blame this on Shane.
You brought this on yourself.

I don't need to
hear it from you, okay?

itís half your fault.
Half his fault,

half Trudy's fault,
half your fault.

Yeah, with the whole
canoe scheme?

All right?
You put me and my wife
in a very extreme situation,

put tension
on the relationship.

Your wife left you
because you were
suffocating her.

And now you're
suffocating me!

And you're
suffocating Shane, too!

Yeah, don't suffocate me, man.

A grown woman
literally jumped into
shark-infested waters

and did a distance swim
that she had no way
to train for

instead of staying
in a dry canoe with you.

Look in the mirror.

Okay, Joseph Cecil Tanzania,

with a monsoon
of respect, l don't think
you're in a position

to be telling anyone
to look in the mirror

when it comes
to relationships.

You're not Mr.
"I Try So Hard
At My Relationship," okay?

So let's go, glass house.

Me, glass house?

You, glass house!
You're the glass house!

Talk to me
about relationships.

You got a woman
who adores you.

She'd do anything for you.

You have a real
partner in life,

and what does she
want from you?

''Take me to the waterfall.''
But, no, you can't take her

because you had some
snorkelling experience.

Do you think
when your marriage
is over

that you're going to
find somebody

that just caters to you,
no matter what?

That you're not going to
have to work at it?

That's going to be, like,
psyched to go to Applebee's
with you every Friday night

and hear the same
football stories

about how you rocked
in high school?

l did rock
in high school football.
You want to check tape?

But whoever that person is,
you have to listen
to their stories, too,

or they're not going to go
to Applebee's with you.

You're not going to have someone
to go to Applebee's with.

You'll be sitting
by yourself, eventually,
at Applebee's, all alone.

And who wants to
go to Applebee's
by themselves?

You know what?
lf anyone should be
mad here, guys,

it should be me.

l am having a real fight
with my wife, okay?
And it's not a fun feeling.

Look it.
lama talking in circles.
lama on an island.

lama getting island fever now.
lama starting to lose my mind.

This is an early sign
of things to come.

And what we need to do now
is get focused and
stop pointing fingers.

You're a problem.
You're a real,
real problem.

ls that Salvador?

Does this guy think
he's a mermaid?
What s his deal?

Oh. Please,
excuse my nudity.

I was expecting
no company.

Allow me to put
something on.

l would have
asked you to join me,

but the water
is a little chilly.

But perhaps this will
warm up the evening.

And what is that?

itís an island rum,
infused with the essence
of the coconut fruit.


Yes? You like?
Very much.


That's yummy.

it is yummy.

itís yummy, yummy,
yummy, isn't it?


Oh, oh...

Slow down there, killer.

You see, this island has
so many healing curiosities.

You know,
it is good to have a drink
and have a good time.

Then do it!

Well, l guess
we just go around, huh?

No, we got to go through.
The path ends.

We go off the path,
we get lost. Come on.

No, hey,
we'll make a new path.

What if there's people
in there? Joey!


Be careful, sweetie.

Ronnie, lama Cynthia.
lama always careful!




SHANE: Get in there.
You're leaving fingerprints!

l don't know
what you're doing...

from the door.

Jessie is a friend

Yeah, I know he's been
A good friend of mine

But lately
something's changed
That isnít hard to define

Jessie's got himself a girl
And I want to make her mine

And she's watching him
with those eyes

And she's loving him
with that body I just know it

And he's holding her
in his arms late
Late at night

You know...

Hey! What are you doing here?

Private staff quarters
are strictly off limits
to hotel guests!

lama so sorry that
we are disturbing your
fortress of solitude here.

lama going to have to
ask you to leave
The Ponderosa immediately.

Well, that's a shame,
because the place
is so inviting.

When does Hose and
Little Joe show up?


You gentlemen have
broken into The Ponderosa

and have broken
the rules of this island.

And, unfortunately,
l don't think you're going to
like the consequences.

lama going to call
monsieur Marcel.

No, no, no, no,
no, no. Stanley,

there's been a big

Some of us don't
necessarily want
to be here.

I'm sorry, Mr. Smith,
but you've broken the rules

and there are consequences.

Yes, could you get Marcel
for me, please?

Yes, l know he's asleep,
but wake him.
This is important. l'll hold.

What a shocker
that this went bad.
Thank you.

Came here for answers
and now lama not
going to get them!


Great leading, Joey.

Yeah, you.

I thought monsieur Marcel
felt that technology
was a distraction.

For the guests, yeah.

You seem
pretty good
at that game.

He's the best
on the whole island.

itís a pretty small island.

Doesn't look like
it's all that hard.

Looks like all you got to do
is push these big buttons

and play along
with the song here.
Am l right?

Something like that.

You know what'd
be a gas, Stanley?
For me and you to play.

And when l win,

you could point me
towards the singles' side
and forget you ever saw us.

When you beat me?



When l win,
what will you give me?

Maybe just this.

$1,000. A cool G,
as we call it back home.

Are you at liberty
to play for that, Stanley?

Or would you prefer
to play for smiles?

Monsieur Marcel,
I'm sorry to have woken you.

l thought there was
an emergency,
but l was mistaken.

l do apologize.


l play at expert level.

You take this
kind of serious.

That's a big screen.


You've played this before.

Maybe just
a couple times,

All right, Stanley,
let's have some fun.

Come on, Stanley, get him!

Don't let him
get in your head.

Don't let him get
in your head, Dave.

l know a place
you will like.

Yes. You will love it.

What kind of place?

Like a place
that has dancing?

There is everything.

Oh, my God, you guys,
l want to go dancing!

You want to go?
Yes, please, regard me.

Follow me.
Oh, my God, yeah,
l want to go!

It'll be a girls' night!

Okay, but honey,
honey, honey...
Oh, my God.

RONNIE: You should just
slow down here
for a second maybe?

That's exactly
what l need!

itís the second
guitar solo that sorts
the men from the boys.

l was kind of counting
on that, Scan. Joey?


l think it's time to show
the donkey the snake.

Cut his head,
cut his head,
cut his head!

SHANE: Go, go, go!

JOEY: Dave! Dave!
Cut his head!

JASON: Big finish.

Star power!
Star power! Yes!

Stanley, no!


You hustled me.

Yes, I did.

For that, I'm sorry.
You see, I sell
video games, Stanley.

And this one here,
in particular, in fact.

And lama proud to
stand here before you

and tell you it brings me
as much happiness

as it does for the people
l provide them to.

And we had a bet,
and l know that
you're a man of your word.

Forget that you saw me
and my friends

and point me
in the direction
that l seek.

l cannot confirm or deny
that the one that you seek
is on the singles' side.

But a bet is a bet.
And l will tell you
how to get there.

The beach is
blocked by rocks
itís completely impassable.

No more boats
for me and my friends.
l go by foot.

l would be remiss
if l did not advise you
to wait until daylight.

Do not take this
journey lightly.


There is an old game path
through the forest,

just beyond
the abandoned Starbucks.

Take it to where it forks.
Jog to the right.
Do not go to the left.

You will see lights.
You don't want to go there.

Keep walking.

Look up and locate the belt
of Orion the Hunter.

l think we should be
writing this down.

l think Dave's got it.

The stars shall be
your guide.

As long as we're headed east,
that's the direction
we're supposed to be going.

JOEY: lama looking
for the Little Dipper.

lf I could find
the Little Dipper,
l could find the North Star.

Shane, help me find
the Little Dipper.

What do l look like,
Harriet Tubman?

Fine! l'll do it
by myself, okay?

You guys are no help!
Just... Just...



Welcome to Hump Island!

It's time to feast here
in the belly of the beast
here at Eden East!

Now can you feel It?
Come on!

Man, we are about to get
this party started right!

You guys ready?



Hey, you, check it out, y'all!

A luau fire and drum show
is coming up real soon!

Some of the best drummers
in the whole world.

Don't forget to check it out!

This place is out of control.

What could she be
possibly getting into
over here, man?

Come on, let's not
get ahead of ourselves.

For all we know,
she could be sitting

in a corner
sulking somewhere.

Hey, we can do this.
We get in, we get out,
we're back before sunrise.

l know... l know
that girl. San Diego!

l know that girl.
lama going to go see

if l can get some
answers out of her.

What are you talking about?
lama trying to find Trudy!

Talking to locals
is the best way
to get information!

You guys should
be doing it, too.

That's a great idea.
We split up.

That way, we find her
twice as fast.
Shane, with me.

We shouldn't split up,
we should stay together.

Listen, Dave,
time is of the essence, okay,

and if we don't find her,
here's what else.

We meet back at
the exit in, like,
an hour, okay? Come on.

Let s go.
Jason, there's a ton
of people here.

lf we split up,
we're going to...
Stay with Joey.

This place rocks.

What are you doing?

What am l doing?
lama trying to
have a good time.

I'm trying to have
a party going on.



We got to find Trudy.
l don't want to
get into this.

Come on, buddy.

What, are you dying
to be part of the new
singles scene?

Look at all these people.
They're running around,

They're sexing,
they're cramping,
they're twitting each other

'cause their day's
so special they have to
share it with the world.

itís called tweeting.
l call it twitting!

Look, Joey,
we were single.
We had our fun.

We're not missing out
on anything.

No, you were single,
you had fun.

l got married early,
so l never got to
experience this.

l have a feeling you had
a chance to experience lots
of things.

But, look if you
want to go play
''Guess Your Disease''

or ''Let Me Translate
Your Tribal Tattoo,''
knock yourself out.

You don't get it.
lama here trapped
on an island with a woman

who can't even
stand the sight of me.

And whose fault is that?
itís not my fault!

Dude, relationships
are a two-way street,

not a highway
and a bike path.

lf it matters to you,
work at it.

And if it doesn't,
then don't!

But make a decision.

l want to be married

'cause l want to have people
l can share my life with.

l don't want to be doing this.
l know what I want.

l want it... Look.
Hey, Dave, it's not
'cause l don't want it, okay?

You make the best
of your situation!
My situation's to party!


Yeah, definitely.

San Diego!

Remember me?
Where have you been?

Where have l been?
l've been trying
to get here!

Look, we'll never
be able to find her.

lf... lf l walk over there
she's going to walk over here.

lf lama on this side,
she's probably
going to be on that side!

All right, panic kingís
not going to help, Shane.

Hey, want to dance,
tough guy?

No, l'd step on your feet,
l'd hurt you.
Thank you, though.

DJ: All right, now,
everybody up, everybody up!
This is Eden East!

This place is amazing!
l can't believe
they kept this from us!

l knew you would love it.

This is why
l brought you here.

Oh it is so nice to be
out with lots of people!

smiling and laughing.
Don't you guys love this?

itís great.
in a couple more minutes,
l'll just roofed myself.

l will go get my special
Salvador drink, yes?

Oh, yes.

''Guess l am on my way.''

''Mighty glad you stayed!''

Yes! Yes!

He is so much fun!

Oh, God, don't even start.

lama just having fun.

No, it's just...
Guys, this is too much.

What's too much?
Let's just get it together

and chill out a little.

Excuse me, l don't
mean to disturb you.
My name's Dave.

Hi. Ronnie.

Ronnie. That's a great name.

Thank you.

Do you have
a cell phone
l could use?


Someone's got to call God
and let him know
one of his angels is missing.

Wow, that is
the worst line
l've ever heard.

Well, what do you
want from me?

l've been out of
the game for a while.

I've been slumming it
with a really hot redhead.

Now you're getting closer.

Dave, if you're here
to be an olive branch
for Jason,

l am not going to
talk about it tonight.

lama not here to talk
about anything,

I just want to see
my wife. Let's go.

I can't just
leave these two.

l think they'll survive.

We sure will.

They are so lucky.


DJ: Now this next jam
goes out to all you
party people in the house!

Everybody, up!
Let's keep this
party going, y'all!

Maybe we ought to
wait by the exit,

so when people
come out, you know...

Whatever we do,
we got to do it fast.

l got to get back,
got to find my wife,
you know?

What do you got?
You see her?

That's my wife.



God, Shane, there you are!
l've been looking
all over for you.

what are you doing here?

Look, l heard at the salon
that you were coming to
this crazy singles' island,

so l just felt
a strong sense
of urgency

that you and l
needed to talk
before it was too late.

you left me, remember?

l know, l know.

But then l was hoping
that you would come after me.

it wasn't like
you walked out of a bar!
it was a divorce.

And why are you
even at this place?

Do you know
this place is insane?

lama getting called names.

l've been called a cougar,
a black panther, a puma!

l had to smack
this one kid.

That's the last time
he'll walk up to a woman
talking about cougar!


l've been looking
all over the place for you.

And where have you been?

Well, actually,
lama staying
on the other side,

the couples' side,
with my girlfriend.

What? Who?

Her name is Trudy
and she's aspiring
to be a manager.

Put it in my mouth!

MEN: Go, go, go!


DJ: All right, y'all,
it's almost time for the male,

the Kanikapila
luau drum show!

The special blend.

Yes, this is a magical drink.

You know what?

lama going to go get
a good spot for the show.
Do you guys want to come?

No, no, we're good here.

Okay. You're fine? Okay.

And then there was two.

Listen, l want you
to come back with me.

lama not going back
to the other side
with you.

lama going to stay right here,
get my celebration on

and get another margarita
made up in my face.

l came a long way
to find you.

Well, l know
you isnít come
to get a drink.

You damn sure
isnít come to dance.

So what'd you
follow me here for?

No. l did.

l came here to drink,
party, scratch records,
do it all!

Do it... itís just...
Just... Just... You know?


What am l saying?

l don't want to do
any of those things.


Truth is that
lama exhausted
just saying them.

DJ: All right, y'all,
it's time for the Kanikapila
luau drum show!


Cynthia, hi.
Excuse me. Hi.

Hey what are you
doing here?

You all right?

lama fine, Jason.
lama watching the show.

We do have to get back
before sunrise, though.
Let's get a move on.

l don't think
that's a good idea, Jason.

Come on, hon. Let's go.

We're very close.

Jason, lama not
going anywhere.

It pains me to say this,
but l got to let you go.

l love you.

But we cannot do this
to each other anymore.
itís over.

itís over.

Daddy, wait. l was wrong.
l don't want to lose you.

l'll go back
to the other side.

No. Then you...
You'd be doing what l did.

Trying to be something
that you're not.

You're 20. Go be 20.

All right?



l will not lose you.
All right?
l cannot lose you.

You're the whole reason
that lama here.

You're the whole reason
that l've done all of this.

You're the whole reason
that l've made a complete
ass out of myself.

l have failed here miserably.
And that does not bother me.

What bothers me is
that l have failed you

and l am not going to
do that ever again.

All right?
l love you a lot.

Let's go get a drink.


Honey, it has been
forever since we did
something like this.


You know, baby, it's funny.
Since we've been here,
it's like the therapist

and the place has made it
like we got a problem.

But you know what?
I think we don't
have a problem.


We got a million problems.


But, honey, l think
everybody has
a million problems.

l don't know that,
like, you're supposed
to solve them all,

because the simple
truth of it, sweetheart,
is we're married.

We made a commitment
to each other
and to our families.

And to myself.
And l meant it.

Shane, honey, wait.

Jennifer, I don't need this.

lama done with trying
to make you like me.

lama not going to be the man
you want me to be.

lama not going to do things
the way you want me to
do things.

I'm always going to wear
my heart on my sleeve
because that's who I am.

And l got a lot
of friends that like me

just because
lama the way I am.

But it really doesn't matter
because l like me.

Well, l don't like you.

l love you.

I can't stand
picking out tiles.

it drives me nuts
to try to redo
the fricking house.

l know it does.

But, you know,
the one thing that we can
and should always do

is just kind of
have fun
with each other.

And truthfully, sweetheart,
that should be
the easiest thing to do

because before
there was the kids

or the house
or the job or any of it,

there was just you.

And l love you, Ronnie.

l love you, too, Dave.

DJ: Hey, now, all you
naughty boys and girls,
gather 'round, gather 'round.

The hell's she doing here?

GIRL: Who?

That's my wife.
She must be looking for me.

l don't think so.
She looks fine.

You should just relax.

Son of a...

Excuse me!



Please, l don't want
to hurt you.



Baby, remember
when we first met

and l told you that
you were the only man
l'd ever been with?

You lied?
No, no, no, no, no.

l was... l was
completely inexperienced,

and, honey,
l didn't know
what l had in you.

l've been cheating on you!

l've been cheating on you
every chance l got!

For years, l've been
cheating on you.

Well, l cheated on you
with more than one guy!

With two... You had
a three-way with two dudes?

No, no! But l would have!

l totally would have!
Well, l would've, too!

Not with two dudes!
You know what
lama talking about!

I thought I needed to know
what it was like out there,
in a real way,

not like l read it in Cosmo.
So l went out there
and l lived it.

l've had one-night stands!


I've woken up
in beds with men

whose names
l didn't even remember!

l was like, "How did l
get this T-shirt on?"

Jennifer, I get it.
Land your plane.

Just deal with it!
You deal with it.

You deal...
You deal with going
to Applebee's alone.

lf you don't put in effort,

you're going to be
the one who ends up
at Applebee's alone.

Are you asking me
to go to Applebee's
with you?

The bottom line is
that none of them

made me feel the love
that you did.

And l had to go out
into the world

in order for me to come back
and say that l belong home.

DJ: Now I'm going to
keep on spinning
these fly tunes

until somebody gets
something going on!

lama not saying
l wouldn't go to
Applebee's with you!

Well, lama not saying
l wouldn't go to
Applebee's with you!

All right, well,
l would try to go
to Applebee's with you.

Well, l would try to go
to Applebee's with you!

So let's try.
l want to try!
Well, let's try!

lama sorry.
lama so sorry.

I am so sorry that
it took all of that.

But you know what?
Now l can honestly say,
with love in my heart,

that you are my man.

Could you ever
love me again?

Well, you're my wife.

And l never
stopped loving you.

Now come here
and give me a kiss.

DJ: This next jam
goes out to all you
party people in the house!

And that time
that you got sick,

you didn't want
me to see you,

so you locked me
out of the bathroom?

No! Then l passed out!


And you called
the ambulance.

Well, because,
before you passed out,

it sounded like
you were dying in there.

You know?
l thought
l was dying. l did.

Yeah, well,
what was I supposed to do?

I should have
broken down the door.

You've been
a really good friend.

You have been
the best friend
in the world to me.

DJ: Now don't stop dancing,

Party isnít over!
It's far from over!



Silence, please! Silence!

l made a program for you
and you decided
not to follow it.

You defied my instructions
and you went off course.

Why are we being held
to a different standard,

You weren't here
on time this morning.

l was here before sunrise,
sadly, by myself.

l chose not to wait.

Marcel, l've got to be
honest with you.

You know...

No, you silence!
Please, just...

l don't need some speech
about moments, okay?

No more, okay?

lama sorry that we kept you
waiting this morning

and that we didn't
respect your program,

but last night
my wife and l,

we spent some
real time together,

and for the first time
in a long time,

we woke up actually
very, very happy.

So, with all
due respect, sir,

l don't need you,
or anyone else
for that matter,

to, you know,
say anything, really.

l know.


You do?


That is why
l am giving you this.

l don't understand.

I could never
reveal your true
inner animal spirit.

it was always up to you.

Cynthia, Jason,
your spirit is the rabbit.

No matter what obstacles
are put in front of him,

the rabbit will
scrape and burrow

and find a way
to create his home.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Lucy, Joseph.

For you,

the wolf.

The wolf is
by nature a pack animal

and one of the few
proud members

of the animal kingdom
that mates for life.


Thank you.

Hello, Jen.
Welcome, Jennifer.

Thank you.

For you,

the noble honeybee.

The honeybee is committed.

And though it may fly
from flower to flower,

collecting the sweet,
sticky nectar,

it has no choice
but to return to the hive.


Thank you.
That's a big-ass bee.

Finally, Ronnie and David.

I have thought
long and hard about this.

l could not decide
with my mind.

l had to open my soul
to the animal spirits.

And, finally...

Okay, the build-upís
killing me.

What do we got here?
Two cheetahs?

Couple of eagles?
You got two lions?

The ass.

You are the ass.

Stubborn and immovable.

The mighty ass
tirelessly bears
the heavy burden of others.

But when the ass
is on the move,
nothing can stop the ass.

Be an ass for your marriage.
Be an ass for your children

Be an ass for love.

Thank you, Marcel.

lama going to be
the biggest ass
you've ever seen.

And now, you may spend
the rest of your trip
enjoying the island.

Please feel free
to make Eden into
your own, personal Sandals.


And now, jet skis!

Yes, yes! Yes!


Hey, hey,
what's happening?

l sure miss you guys.

l miss you so much.

And Grandpa Jim Jim
let us watch Jaws!

We get to eat
all the candy we want!

Hey, guys,
the jet skis are ready!

Come on!
We're waiting on you!

Give us one second
with the kids.
We'll be there in a minute.

Go ahead and start.
Well, listen,

when we get back
next weekend,
we'll go to Medieval Times

and we'll get
some big drumsticks

and lots of meat.
BOTH: Yes!

And we're going to be
doing a lot more
of that fun stuff, guys,

so get ready, okay?
lama going to take you

to the school parking lot,
we'll do some donuts.

Yeah! Donuts!

All right, l love you.

Love you, too
Here's Grandpa Jim Jim.

All right.
Enjoy your last few days.

Hey, Dad, could you
do me a favour

and not give them candy
every time they ask?

You ought to be thanking me.
lama here at this home store

returning some of the stuff
that you had
on that house list.

Okay, thanks so much.
When you... When you
look at the coating,

will you beat that
guy up on the price?

Kevin! That is not
a real toilet.

Dad, what's going on?
ls everything okay?

Please tell me
he's not peeing
in the store.

It's nice to
take a moment
and just relax.

l got to go.

l don't know him
and there's no way
lama going near him.

Grandpa, there's
no toilet paper.

Help me get my shirt off.




You know,
the Federal Reserve
is a pimp.

They want you
to be in debt.

That's how it works.
They give you
these credit cards

you can't pay for,

HD, motorcycles.
itís all a pimp game.

Oh, that feels good.

Special thanks to SergeiK.