Dadnapped Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Dadnapped script is here for all you fans of the . This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Dadnapped quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Dadnapped Script

You know,
I used to hear a voice that said

Trouble's coming
Better stay in bed

Then I even tried to run away

'Cause I didn't even know
my own strength

I was shocked
No, I couldn't believe

My world rocked
It was news to me

When I looked in the mirror today

I looked back and I heard me say

I gotta own it, breathe it
Live it like I mean it

There's a hero in me
It's all I wanna be

Is someone to rely on
Looks good on TV

Save the day
It's part of the routine

Out of my way
This is a job for me

There's a hero in me
It's all I wanna be

Is someone to rely on
Looks good on TV

Save the day
It's part of the routine

Out of my way
This is a job for me

There's a hero in me, yeah

There's a hero in me

And our next book report is
from Jeffrey Zimmer.


Well, my report is on NeaI Morris'
new Tripp Zoome book,

Freeze-Dried Dreams.

All right!
That's cooI!

Please tell me this is a joke.

Is this some kind
of a joke, Mr. Zimmer?

Freeze-Dried Dreams isn't due out
untiI tomorrow.

I know, but my dad is friends
with this guy who works

at this paper factory where they make
the paper that goes in the books.

So, well, here it is.

Well, read on, Mr. Zimmer.

Read on.

It all started at Thor Industries.

Tina was frozen with fear

as the ruthless Rudolpho had her
in his clutches once again.

It appeared as if her only hope,

Agent Tripp Zoome,
was nowhere to be found.

Hey, Rudolpho.

Is it me, or did you actually get uglier?

Tripp Zoome.

Somehow, I knew you'd show up.

CooI eviI-dude device, eviI dude.

This isn't over, Tripp Zoome!

This isn't over by a long shot.

And once again,
my man T. Zoome motos to safety

and a humongous bash
at his girlfriend's house

while her parents are away
for the weekend.

An insightfuI and rousing analysis

of what I can only anticipate will be
another modern literary masterpiece

from NeaI Morris, who, of course, is the
father of our very own Melissa Morris.

- Tripp rules!
- Tripp rules!

Don't forget, read at least one book
over the break. Enjoy your vacation.

Just when I forget how much
you annoy me, you show up again.

Well, like the book jacket says,
I am unstoppable.

More like unbearable.

You just had to write
another one, huh, Dad?

That's right, Zoomers, it's here!

The very latest
in the Tripp Zoome series!

And let me be clear, it's Tripp-tastic!

Oh, brother.

What? I love that line.

You would. It's all about you.

Who're you talking to?

Nobody. I'm just really excited
about tomorrow, you know.

I just can't stop talking about it.

I'm happy for you, honey.

I know you've been looking forward to
this camping trip for a long, long time.

Yeah. You know,
Dad's just been busy with writing

and the Tripp Zoome parades,
and that new ice-cream flavor,

- Triple-Zoome-Crunch.
- Triple-Zoome-Crunch.

It wasn't that bad, actually.

You sure it's okay that I'm going?

Sweetheart, he and I may be divorced,

but he's your father,

and I want you to spend
as much time as you can with him.

Okay. Thanks, Mom.

- NeaI.
- Yes!

What do you think?

To be honest,
I voted for the Kevlar cloaking tuxedo,

but they think this will sell more books,
so who am I?

This is autographed, so you have it.

Thank you.

- Come on.
- Come on.

So, did you hear?

Tripp's last book sold
over 200,000 copies.

I mean, can you imagine what this
thing's gonna do? Go through the roof!


Melissa, your daughter?
You might want to ask how she is.

I know how she is.

She's totally psyched
to be going away with her father!

Exactly. Which is why you have to do
everything humanly possible

to make this the best
father-daughter trip ever.

Suze, come on.
You're talking to me, NeaI Morris.

Yeah. So don't mess it up.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, sweetheart.

You don't have to do this.
You know that, right, Dad?

What father wouldn't want to go away
on a vacation with his own daughter?

I am 150% yours.


Yeah, right.

I promise you, Melissa, this is
gonna be one week you'll never forget.

You know, I gotta be honest.

I wasn't sure you were gonna
come through on this.

Melissa, when have I
not come through for you?

Whatever. I'm just really excited
about this camping trip.

I bought extra bug spray

and a traveI edition of Word Wham!
and my new boots.

Word Wham!, huh?

What? I know that look.

The camping, hiking,
river-rafting thing?

We might need to think
just a teeny little switch on that.

You can't make a switch.
We made plans. I bought boots.

No, no, no. Of course, we're...
We're gonna go camping.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

It's just after we make a quick pit stop
at the Mercury Zoome Convention.

- Dad, no.
- MeI, these are my grassroots fans,

the reaI Zoomers.
I may never get a chance to meet them.

Look, all I have to do is show up,
judge a contest,

and then it's you and me
and all the mosquitoes we can swat.

- Just the two of us?
- Just the two of us.

I think he means three.

Wake up, honey. We're here.
Welcome to paradise.

This is good!

These are my people.

I think that's the hoteI right there.

- One night, right?
- Yeah, one night. I promise.

Look! Is that him?
Oh, God! That's him!

That's NeaI Morris!

Over here!

Welcome to my world.

Hi, how are you?


How Tripp-tastic is this?

Zoomers incoming!

Yeah, reaI fun.

- Morris?
- Yes.

NeaI Morris!
Merv Kilbo. Big fan, big fan.

This is, like, crazy, man!

Welcome to the little slice of heaven,
my hoteI.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

So, we've got you
in the presidentiaI suite.

It's top-notch.
Nothing but the best for you, daddy.

The royaI treatment.

Let me take care of your bags for you.

Hey, NeaI, sign my skull.

Be right back.

Don't mess this up for me.

Of course I won't.
You'll probably do that all on your own.

All right.
Just right in the middle? Okay.

- NeaI Morris. Here you go.
- Awesome.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

The package has arrived.

Good work, SheI.
Close it down and return to the roost.

- And Sheldon?
- Yeah?

Lose the fake voice. It's creepy.

Why do you
always gotta bust me, Wheeze? Why?

Eyes on the prize, Sheldon.
We're winning this contest.

- Got me?
- Yeah, I got you.

Double Word Wham.

Bonus word score.

Okay. So, here we are.

Merv Kilbo's finest.

The presidentiaI suite.

So? Do you love it?

What's not to love?

Welcome home, NeaI. Welcome home.

Lava lamp.


Come on, let's go!

In your third book, Zip, Zoome, Zilch,

Tripp finds his way out of
the SCUM cave using the flashlight

that he rewired into a laser, right, NeaI?

- Actually, the...
- Hello? Drop any brain cells lately?

It was his battery-operated toothbrush.

Yeah, yeah, battery-operated.

And he used it as a diamond drill.

- Laser.
- Drill!

- Laser!
- Drill.

- Laser. Laser. Laser.
- Drill. Drill.

You guys just excuse me.
I'll be right back.


You! You... You're him!

In the flesh.

- Who should I make it out to?
- Just sign it to me.

Well, I mean, not the word "me,"
but my name.

No, no, not "my name,"
but my name, Skunk.

Just sign it to Skunk.

"To Skunk, NeaI Morris. " There you go.

- Floss.
- Floss!


Maurice, look! He signed it!

Would you stop jumping around
like a baby gorilla?

We are not here to get autographs.

Go. Go, go, go.
Get, get. Come on, let's go. Move.

Okay, okay.

Surrounded by oddballs,
each more desperate

and with less a hold on reality
than the next.


Big "whoa," little lady.

Pretty incredible rig, isn't it?

Made it myself, straight from the plot
of The Tripp of Time, just like Tripp.

And you did this because?

Because of the contest, newbie.

Whoever proves to be Zoome enough
wins the prize.

"Zoome enough"?

Oh, yeah.

Whoever can show
they know the most about Tripp Zoome

wins the ultimate fan prize, the chance
to become a character in my next book,

and the opportunity to read it
before it's published.

Which would be so
amazingly incredible.

Yes, it would.

I worship at your feet, NeaI.

No need.

Another brush with danger!

The catchphrase.

- Floss!
- Floss!

And on that note, good night.

Good night.

I see you.

Hey, Dad, what do you think about
Grisham Lodge for dinner tonight?

They have this restaurant
where you can sit behind a waterfall.

Wow, that's a cooI location.

That could come in handy
for my next book.

Tripp battles piranha
behind a waterfall of toxic sludge.


Honey, I'm a writer.

I'm always on the prowI
for new materiaI. Tripp demands it.

You act like Tripp Zoome is reaI, Dad.

He is reaI, to me. He has to be.

Forget it.

Tell you what. Why don't you pack,

I go pick out a contest winner,

we jump in the car,
we're on the road by noon.

- You mean it?
- I mean it.

- Perfect.
- Okay.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Well, well...
Big daddy himself, the king,

Mr. Neal Morris, will determine
which of you crazy cats...

- No.
- ... is truly Zoome enough!

- Floss! Floss!
- Floss! Floss!

I just want you guys to know
that I'm not going anywhere.

I'm staying right here with you!

And time for our next super-fan,
Bobby-O from Cincinnati.

Come on up, buddy.

What's the matter?
Plans not working out?

You got something to say?
Say it to the wall.

That is so much better.


Watch where you're going, nimrod.

Nimrod? Very mature.

Although it does score you
nine points in Word Wham!

Well, I always use
the triple Word Wham! tiles,

so you do the math, Einstein.

You're a Whammer?

RegionaI whiz. Two years in a row.

Very impressive.

Thanks. It's all about the vowels.

Yeah. VoweI power.

Well, I'd love to stay
and compare strategies with you,

but business calls.



Nice. You get her digits?

Well, I was going to, but it...

I cannot believe we're related.

Okay, whatever. I'll be in the van.

And by connecting the hairbrush
to the clock radio,

I'm able to recreate Tripp's
first officiaI Tripp-Trap Scrambler.


Molar to Canine.

Distractor is loaded and ready to go.

Copy that, Molar.
Phase 2 standing by.

Good work, SheI.
Transport standing by.

On my signaI. And

go, go, go!

Roger that.

I found
9,136 mentions of dentists,

oraI care andlor dentaI equipment,
16,088 occurrences of the word "floss. "

- What is it?
- You smell something?

Said the fat man with the nose
of doom upon his grin.

That's good.

How's camping?

It's great! Fresh air, beautifuI trees.

And traffic? He did it again, didn't he?

Yeah, he did.

Calm down, everyone.

I'm sure it's just a ventilation problem.

- Mr. Morris, sir?
- Yeah.

A moment of your time.
I think I can explain.


Where is that kid going with our guy?
Okay, excuse me, excuse me.

I need to get through here.
If you could just move it! Let's go.

I just don't know why you
thought this trip would be any different.

You never know, Deb.

Something might pop up
and change everything. Right?

Whatever you say, Mel.
Just call me when you get back, okay?

Tell your dad "floss" for me.

Sure, whatever.

So, you thought
this trip would be different, huh?

You are thick!

It already is different.
As soon as he's done in there.

You mean
as soon as he's done with me.

You know, for someone
who knows how to save the world,

you really are a jerk.

Any minute now, he walks out that door
and it's my vacation, not yours.


The Tearjerker. And it works!


A 16-gallon dust bag, a juice extractor,

and an eight-horsepower wood chipper.

I've got to meet the fans
who put this baby together.

- I think that can be arranged.
- Yeah?

Mr. Zoome, I presume.


Spin him, spin him, spin him!


Hey. They...
They're stealing my writer, Maurice!

Quit your crying, Skunk! We'll get him!


We need some wheels.

Just like those.

Okay, calm down. It's gonna be okay.
Everything is under controI.

No, no, no.

No one goes in
untiI the fumes clear out.

- But my dad, he's inside.
- No, he isn't.

And it's not fumes, it's onions.
Totally Zoome-tastic!

"If one chopped onion makes my mom
cry when she's making lasagna,

"think what 1,000 chopped onions
will do to a room full of SCUM agents.

"He smiled, his perfect teeth aglitter. "

Big deaI. So some geek had
way too much time on his hands.

Where is my father?

All we know for sure is whoever did this
knows his way around a Tripp-Trap.

Hey. Where are the tapes to
that camera? I want to check them out.

Are you kidding me?
A bunch of kids took him?

Why couldn't he still be a dentist?

CentraI station,
your call is being recorded.

Hi. Yes, I'd like to report
a missing person.

No, he's not missing. He was taken.

Who are we actually
talking about, here?

My father. His name's NeaI Morris.

He was taken by a bunch of kids,
like, totaI freak-out losers.

Okay, okay. Here, calm down, honey.

Are you talking about the same
NeaI Morris down at the Merc HoteI?

That Zoome fan thing?

Yes, yes, exactly.

Okay. 'Cause, see,

I've been getting a lot of crazy calls
from that place today,

you know, like, spies and robots
and double agents.

And we got a lot of work down here
at the police station,

so you've got to stop bothering me.

Hello! I'm trying to report a crime, here!

Okay, look. Here's the procedure.

You wait 48 hours.
If he doesn't turn up then,

then you come down to the station,
you fill out a report.

Okay? That's the system.

Well, the system is stupid.

Why are you looking at me like that?

I'm just surprised.

Surprised? At what?


You get this big shot at being me,
you don't take it.

Are you kidding me?

First of all, I don't want to be you.

I would hate to be you.
In fact, I hate you.

Wow, kind of harsh. Don't you think?

Don't you have a super-villain to wrap
in dentaI floss or something?

Nope. I'm all yours.

And it looks like you're gonna be
needing me, too.

'Cause we both know
you are not Zoome enough

to get NeaI back on your own.

Hey, this is the reaI world.

In the reaI world, 15-year-olds don't
save their fathers from freaky fan guys.

You know what? You're right, 100%.

I guess that's why
your father writes about me, not you.

He adjusts the disguise,
a colander of deception.

What? Every writer knows
it's the power of the words.

Do you even know
what a colander is, Skunk?

Do you? Because I don't.
But I can still tell you,

there is no such thing
as a colander of deception.

Okay, carefuI.
We gotta time this just right.

- Is this Zoome enough for you, NeaI?
- What's going on here?

What is that smell?

The cords are soaked in mentho-rub.

The more you squirm,
the more you burn.

The Vapo Wrist Wrap,
Tripp's Last Trip. Page 89.

This is kind of amazing. And painfuI.

- Come on, kids, get me out of this.
- Kids? We ain't kids.

We're your worst nightmare.

Stuff him!

Dirty sweat sock. You wrote it, we do it.


- Who's Melissa?
- That's my daughter.

Let me just tell her that I'm okay.

Come on, guys. In Tripp of No Return,
even eviI Professor Nix got to do that.


- Hello?
- Dad?

Melissa, honey, you okay?

I can't believe you did this to me, Dad.
It's so typicaI.

What? I didn't do anything.

Everything's not always my fault,
you know.

- Floss, floss, floss!
- Floss, floss, floss!

Okay, here's the deaI.
Your dad is fine, okay?

And as soon as he agrees
to our one demand, he's home free.

So why don't you run along and go play
with the other little kiddies at the hoteI?

And with whom am I speaking, please?

Why's that matter?

So I can use your name
in a complete sentence, nimrod.

Nimrod. ReaI mature.

Wait a minute. I know that voice.

Word Wham! guy! It's you!

You're NeaI's daughter?

I guess vocabulary gene
skips a generation, huh?

Excuse me. May I say something?

- No!
- No!

Look, I don't know what twisted dream
you think you're fulfilling,

but you're totally ruining my vacation.
And that's not okay!


I like it.

Okay. Just tell me where you are,
and I'll come get my dad.

Tell you?


I don't think so.

Pine mist or lilac spray?


"Pine scent or lilac"?

So, what's the plan?

Mr. Kilbo, does this town
have a car wash?

Yes. Why?

No, no, no, bro. There.

No, no, no, there.

No, no, no, there.

Hold on.

Right there. You see? Yeah.

The girI!

You know, you gotta admire
her enthusiasm.

You just had to get the hot wax,
didn't you?

It coats and protects.

All right. Drive around back.
We'll pull a toss-and-wash.


This is the place? You're sure?

Yeah. This the only car wash for miles.

Hey, you mind
if I make a quick call, kiddo?

Want to make sure the Merc hasn't
been taken over by eviI aliens.

Yeah, those Zoome kids
are pretty weird.

Yeah, go ahead.
I'm gonna take a look around.

Yeah, it's me. I'm at the car wash.
The car... Don't ask.

What am I doing?

My car!

Hit the brake!

Which one's the brake?

It's in the middle!

Found the brake.


"Word Wham! Made Easy. "

It's due today.

Give, give, give, give them to me.

What's the girI got to do with all this?

What's it matter?
As long as she takes us to her father.


Your nose is smaller in the picture.

Way smaller.

Well, thank you, sort of.

You know, that book is due today.


So, you have to pay a fine
every day it's late.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, right.
- Of course.

What, are all these books overdue?


Move! You've got to keep up!
We're losing them!

I am driving as fast as I can!

Said his brother, with an off-key head.

That makes no sense!

All right, guys, listen.
This has been great,

and you're as Zoome as they come.
But there are other fans waiting for me.

It's not really fair to them, is it?

All right, NeaI.

Okay, we'll make you a deaI.

If you show us
the Book Splat Tripp-Trap,

- ... then we'II let you go.
- Yeah.

Setting a Splat Trapp is
as delicate as wisdom-tooth surgery.

You sure you don't want me
to come in with you?

No, I can handle this part.
We'll be right out, okay?


So how does it feeI? Exhilarating, huh?

I think the word is "traumatizing. "

Poor little baby.

Tell you what, why don't you go soak
in a bubble bath,

let me handle the dirty work?

- Dream on.
- Hey.

Just get him, grab him and go.


All right, it's go time.

Hold on, little brother.

Let's do this right.

All right, very gently,
no sudden movements.

There you go. Nice. This will do it.

Get him, grab him and go.

You set it on any shelf,
holding it tightly,

and the next unsuspecting librarian
gets a Tripp-tastic surprise.

This is just perfect.

Melissa, you found me.

Found you? I thought I was saving you.

But apparently, you and the nerd patroI
are doing just fine.

- Yeah, we are having a blast.
- Yeah.

I got to tell you, these kids are great.
And totaI, 100% fans.

- Yeah!
- Yeah, yeah, we are!

This is Sheldon.

He gets
that same gum irritation that you do.

And this spitfire's Andre.

And his big brother, Wheeze.
I think you guys have met.

- Wheeze?
- Wheeze.

Okay. Listen, I think we got off
on the wrong foot, here.

You think?

Okay, I know you're new
to the whole Zoome world,

but can you maybe just lighten up?

Your dad's just trying
to have some fun with us.

Really? Well, Wheeze, the thing is,

he's supposed to be
having fun with me!

- You smell nice.
- I do? Thanks, it's my gloss.

- What is that, cherry?
- No, watermelon.

Cherry makes my lips swell.


Dad, we're leaving, now!
I have to get this stuff off my face!

Sorry, guys, got to go.

- See you.
- Call me.


Honey, I'm sorry. Look, they took me.
It was just a game.

A game?

It's kind of funny, actually,
if you think about it.

All right, maybe "funny"
is the wrong word.

You just don't get it.

- Well, then... Then tell me.
- Dad,

I've been thinking about this vacation
ever since schooI started.

I packed my suitcase weeks ago,

and then unpacked it
and repacked it, like, five times,

'cause I wanted everything
to be perfect.

Just me and my dad, finally spending
some quality time together.

Well, that's what I wanted, too,
and I still do want that.

Yeah, well, that's all great

untiI you-know-who comes along
and ruins everything.


Honey, he's a fictionaI character.

No, Dad.
Peter Pan is a fictionaI character.

Tripp Zoome is a pain in my butt.

Freeze! Police! Freeze!

Excuse us, Officers,
we're having a little moment, here.

Right. Moment's over, writer guy.
All right, Officer Skunk, grab him.

Officer Skunk?

I love your books.

Wait a minute. I know you guys.
From the... From the hoteI.

- You're not reaI cops.
- Okay.

You see the badge?
You see it? What's it say?

- I don't know, I don't have my glasses.
- And what's this?

- A stapler.
- A stapler, yeah.

Okay, cuff him.

- Oh, no, you don't.
- Melissa!

- No, no, no, no, not you!
- What are you... Melissa!

What? I just got you back.
I'm not losing you again.

That was supposed to be my wrist!

- Well, you snooze, you lose.
- What are you...

Okay, all right, cell phones.

Is this it? Come on, let's go. Let's go.

Come on. abduction a day, that's my limit.

Shut your trap and keep moving.

Guys, you should come see this.

This is what I call no este bueno.

Let's go, guys.
Something's really wrong.

Hurry! They're getting away!

Hey, fellows, I think there's been
some sort of mistake here.

Yeah, ain't that always the case?

Don't lose them, Wheeze.

Quit riding me, Sheldon.
I'm driving the best I can, dude.

CentraI station.
Your call is being recorded.

Hello? Police?

Neal Morris has been stolen!

Hey, listen, kids.

You can't be tying up the phone lines
like this with these prank calls.

- It's against the law.
- This is no prank!

- Two goons took him for reaI.
- Okay, look.

I got at 1:25,
he was supposedly snatched.

And then at 2:32,
I got three calls from the supermarket,

saying that he was in a van,
and he was tied up

with what they described
as dentaI floss.

Well, mint flavored, and we're...

Listen, kid,
enough with the fun and games.

We're very busy down
at the police station. Goodbye.

And we're not kids!

Looks like it's up to us.

Let's do it.

Chalk this one up for creepy.

No. Make that creepy times two.

You live here?

The city's stupid enough
to pump electric in. Why shouldn't we?

Really cozy.

Look, whatever it is you're after,

I'm sure we can work this out
in a safe and peacefuI manner.

- Really? You're sure of that?
- Really.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

Sure you're just not hoping,
maybe praying, that we can?

Skunk, hurry it up.
Our guests are getting antsy.

Just a minute.

"There's no turning back now," he said,

as he stood on the line
between good and Iowa.

I'm scared.

Don't worry. It's gonna be okay.

Well, that, my friend,
is entirely up to you.

I don't know about this,
Wheeze. This is way out of our league.

Yeah. And you guys
returned all those Zoome books.

That was really smart.

Hey. They were overdue.

All right, everybody chill.
We don't need the books.

We know every page
of every noveI inside and out.

There's a Tripp Zoome solution to this.
We just haven't figured it out yet.

Lady and gentlemen,

it's snack time!


That's good. That's good.

The part I love best is, there's no meat
whatsoever in these things.

All right, what do you guys want?
You want money?

Come on. It always
comes back to that, doesn't it?

Money, money, money.

Listen, whatever you're planning,
we won't go along with it, okay?

So, go ahead, send his publisher
a ransom note. See if we care!

- Not helping.
- Okay.

Don't worry about us, kid.

We always get what we want.

That is one thing we are very good at.

Okay! Here we go.

Look at this.

"Lights Out Lenny"?

It's a working title.

See, my brother, he has a gift.

Please tell me it's not cooking.

- A creative gift!
- Okay! Touchy.

Of course, my writing's
not as good as yours is, but...

But that's why you're here. Okay?

Keep him from making
the same mistakes I made.

Maurice stole an elephant.

That's true.

I did the crime,
then I did the time, all right?

But, look, look, look.
My baby brother, here? He's clean!

And with a little outside help, I mean,
there's no stopping this guy.

So, you took me to read
your brother's book?

No, not read, to fix.
Fix my brother's book.

- See, my brother needs...
- A brain, Scarecrow?

You are really starting to irritate me.

And you really don't want to do that.

Look, my brother needs a reaI writer
to finish the book.

Guys, look, in the best
of environments,

even with the best writers,
this could take weeks. Months, even.

Months? Years? I really don't care.

Because the way that I see it,
untiI you fix the book,

you're not leaving.

What? Stuck here, in this stink-hole?

Consider it incentive, sweetheart.
Daddy writes fast, princess goes home.

Chapter 1.

"The sky was dark
and the air was cold

"and the man held the gun so tight,
his fingers felt like cheese. "

- Cheddar.
- Oh, boy.

- We're gaining on them, Vic!
- Gaining on them, Vic!

- Oh, boy, look at that car go!
- Boy, look at that car go.

Faster, Gordon, faster!
Faster, Gordon, faster!

- They're coming after us.
- They're coming after us.

If he doesn't watch,
he's gonna wreck that car!

Oh, God.

This is so bad, my eyes actually hurt.
How do you fix something this broken?

Well, every problem's
just a doorway to a solution.

I mean, that's what you write
for Tripp, anyway.

I've read the books, Dad.

I just don't get dressed up
like Agent X
and go to Zoome-cons
every other weekend.


Nothing. It's just that X309 is
a 250-pound Chinese guy,

so I think you'd look kind of funny.


Hey! You know what we need?
A Distractor!

No, no, no, no, no... No way.

Dad, we have to get out of here.
In case you haven't noticed,

those two guys out there,
they're kind of wacko.

Which is exactly why I don't want
to risk your neck on some silly plan.

Silly? We're back to that, are we?

How could I possibly have an idea
worthy of the amazing Tripp Zoome?

- Melissa, that's not...
- You know,

it all comes down to this, Dad.

You care more about Tripp Zoome
than you do about your own daughter.

Now, that... That is ridiculous.

- It is?
- Yeah.

Then how come
you've never written about me, huh?

How come I'm not a character
in one of your books?

You? Sweetheart.

Characters are... They're dynamic.
They're larger than life.

They're capable
of extraordinary things.

Tripp has three advanced degrees.

He's got encyclopedic knowledge
of science.

- He speaks 10 languages fluently.
- Okay.

Then what are my interests, Dad, huh?
What do I like?

Do you realize you missed
every one of my dance recitals?

I wanted to be there. I really did.

Or how about the time I won
Middle SchooI Creative Writing Award?

You won a writing contest? That...
Why, that's great, Melissa.

Two years in a row, Dad.

Just own it, Dad. Tripp comes first.


Forget it. I'm sorry I brought it up.

Cops! Moe! Moe, what do we do?

We get out while we still can!
Grab them, now!

Let's go, fast!

You know, Skunk,
you don't have to do this.

Well, that's reaI easy for you to say.

Last time I checked,
you were a best-selling author,

and I'm... It doesn't matter what I am.

- That's my brother. Now, move it!
- Okay. Easy!

Move it!

Stake Out Fake Out.
Simple, yet effective.

Looks like you're gonna be
doing your work on the road.

You, too, funny girI. Get in.

Yo, Andre, hit it again.

You got it. Track number seven.

Sorry, my bad.

Sounds like hundreds of them.
And they have animals!

Get in the truck.

I got it.

So, NeaI, what do you think
about my book?

Yeah, well,
what you... What you wrote so far is,

- you know, it's... Well, it's kind of...
- Cut to the chase.

AwfuI? I think the word is "awfuI."

But salvageable, really.

I think there's a lot
of good ideas that work.

Yeah, they're just surrounded
by terrible ideas that don't.

Okay, I mean, I admit,
the exploding elephant is different.

But back me up on this, Dad,
your dialogue is inconsistent.

It takes the reader out of the story.
It's way too "bang-bang, tough guy. "

Yeah. You know what? She's right.
No one really talks like this.

And the plot is...

- There is no plot.
- There is no plot, really.

You just kind of have to
work through this thing.

What did I tell you, Skunk?

This is the start
of a whole new life for you.

Now, we can get down to business.
All right. You two, start fixing!

What, write the book here? Like this?

Yeah, yeah. Just like this.
You got a problem with that?

No problem.
Look forward to the challenge.

My main man, Tripp, gonna give them

all the slip with the dental floss

Gonna show them who's boss


I said, my main man!

My main man, Zoome

Yeah, he makes the ladies swoon

Okay, the first thing I suggest is,
reestablish your open.

I mean, you know, your first sentence
really needs to grab the reader,

and yours just...

- Doesn't.
- Doesn't.

Stupid road!

Great! We're being followed.

It's those brats in the van!


All right, let's see what they got!

Guys, are we speeding up
or are they slowing down?

Scary-looking, freaky dude!

Oh, God! What are you doing?

You gotta stop!

It's the attack of the killer pants!

Now we're talking!

If there's one scratch on my ride,
it's gonna get ugly.


We got them!

Great. We're stuck.

So, what did you think, NeaI?
Was I Zoome enough?

Hey, those are just kids!
You guys are way out of line, here!

- Dad.
- Yeah, Dad. Shut your mouth

before you say something
you wish you hadn't.

Now what?

We're almost out of gas?
All right, next time, we grab a hybrid!

Hey, when you find a station,
I have to go to the bathroom.

Not my problem.

Hey, guys, come on. Be reasonable.

Hey, it's okay, Moe. I'll go with her.


I mean, I'll stand by the door.

What are you doing?

- What? I'm cold.
- Fine.

Hey! Easy on the elbow.
I might want to play tennis someday.

You don't like me very much, do you?

Like you? Think like a writer, Skunk.
You're the bad guy.

Well, maybe I'm the confused,
likable bad guy.

Did you ever think about that?

Hurry it up in there.

You wish!

Maybe next time, you'll think twice
about serving 10-year-old hot dogs.

And can you back away from the door?
I can't, you know...

Right. Sorry.

I'd kill for a comb.

I don't know,
I think you're holding up pretty good.

What is with you?
Showing up, ruining my life?

I didn't sign up for this.

You don't get it, do you?

Get what?

I'm in your head
because you keep me there.

Come on.

- Do you ever think of that?
- That's ridiculous.

You think you know everything,
and always have to shove it in my face

like I'm some child who can't figure out
anything for herself.

Which is crazy, 'cause if you're in
my head, then I am thinking like you.

No, we had to leave.
It was out of our hands.

Yeah, no, I know that! Okay.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I swiped you some beef jerky. Eat up!

Sorry, I just...

Forget it.
Let's just get this show on the road.

I'm hot now.

Come on.

Where are we going?

The only way we can go.

This stuff is disgusting.

Maybe. But it's dinner.

So if I were you, I'd shut up and chew.
And make his book better.

Guys, this is nuts.

My dad needs a reaI place to write,
one that doesn't have potholes.

Why don't you just take us back
to the hoteI?

At least they have a computer there.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm fine.
These conditions are great. Just...

Guess what?
The kid genius is actually right.

This is not working out.
We're going back to the hoteI.

They've been here.

The bathroom!

It's a page from
Zoome Time Boom Time.

She circled the word "presidentiaI."

Well, how do you know it's from her?

Watermelon-flavored lip gloss.

Okay, everyone think.
What's this mean?

PresidentiaI, presidents,
pickles, dill pickles.

They took her to a pickle farm!


PresidentiaI suite.

They're staying
in the presidentiaI suite.

I heard them when they checked in!
Come on!

Yeah, well, guess it could be that.

- All right, everybody out. Let's go.
- Okay.

Never thought I'd be glad
to see this place again.

Yeah, me, neither.

No one here cares what you think,
Daddy-O, just what you write.

Freeze-Dried Dreams?
More like Warmed-Over Nightmares.

Wait a minute.
You're working with them?

Well, don't get crazy!
They work for me.

But before, you helped me.

You were so good at finding your pop.

- Hey, don't you touch...
- Hey.

You helped me tell them
right where to go.

Now, take them upstairs to my pad.

- Our room would be better.
- And get that book finished!

I have to go back to work.

Let's go.

Easy, there.


Okay, come on, move it.

There you go.

All right.
You are going to be very safe here.

And it should give you enough time
to finish the book.

I just don't get it.
Why is Merv making you do this?

He's not making us. He's helping us.

He's gonna get my book published,
like NeaI.

Usually, I just deliver the pizza,
you know.

Never delivered customers before.

- Hey, first time for everything.
- Yeah.

By the way, the pizza is slamming!

Best crust in town.

- So, who wants some tunes, huh?
- Yeah!



The Merv?

Looks like little Merv's got big ideas.

So do you.
Nice edit on this character stuff.


- I didn't know you drank coffee.
- Well, it's mostly milk. Mom's orders.

Okay, okay, how's this?

"The drive-in snack bar
was a sloppy room,

"filled with all sorts
of junky stuff and stuff. "

Not bad, not bad.
But remember what I told you before.

When you first describe a location...

Try and help the reader know more
than what it looks like.

Imagine what it feels like,
even smells like.

Okay, okay.

"The sparkling palace
smelled of gross, dirty socks,

"and a short bald man
in need of a bath. "

I heard that.

All right! Now, that's believable detaiI.
Right, Dad?

That's really good, Skunk, really.

You're pretty amazing. You know that?

Thanks. So are you.


Come on!

This is The Merc. How may I help you?

You just sign it to "CarI Janhansen,
friend, artist, pizza man. "

You got it, my friend.
Thanks again for the lift.

- Yeah.
- And thank you for the coupons!

Man, I can't wait
for Two-For-One Tuesday!

No. That's not an elephant, Officer.

Love is a burger and fries

You're the heartburn of my soul

Remember, good ideas get great
only if you don't get hurt.

Do you even hear how you sound?

Why do you always have to talk
in catchphrases?

Fans like it.

Yeah. Just hope the fans like my idea.

It is a good plan, right?

Right. Asking you is the same
as asking myself.

And I already know the answer.

It's another brush with danger.

- Floss.
- Floss.

That is such a lousy catchphrase.

Yeah, I know.

Work on that, will you?

I told you, pickle farm.


I'm just saying.

In the book, Tripp breathes
underwater using straws

held together by rubber bands!

No. No, that's not it.

But we know she has the book.

What would she do?

She's NeaI's daughter.
She's gotta be Zoome enough.

The SignaI of Strength.

- What?
- Tripp's SignaI of Strength, remember?

The big climax from
Zoome Time Boom Time.

After he gets stuck
in the whirlpooI of plaque,

SCUM agents take him prisoner...

And Tripp creates a signaI that leads
the cloned rebels to where he is!

- She's brilliant.
- Dude,

if you don't ask her out, I will.

Now all we gotta do is find the signaI.
Let's get some help.

Once again, you faiI to strike even the
slightest chord of intelligent thought.

Tripp would never appear

in a community theater
production of Hamlet.

Shakespeare gives him hives.


Your grasp of my argument is as
slippery as the vegetable-oil-soaked

waterslide Tripp slid down
to escape the zombies!

- Zoomers!
- No way.

- Way.
- Newbie.

- Flyboy.
- Zircon.

Thanks, bro.
All right, everybody, listen up.

Okay, I got some good news
and some bad news,

and they both lead to the same place.

NeaI's in trouble.

- Big trouble.
- And we're gonna save him!

- Floss!
- Floss!

And Melissa.

Just what I need, clever kids.

You know,
I used to hear a voice that said

Trouble's coming
Better stay in bed

Then I even tried to run away

'Cause I didn't even know
my own strength

I was shocked
No, I couldn't believe

My world rocked
It was news to me

When I looked in the mirror today

I looked back and I heard me say

I gotta own it, breathe it
Live it like I mean it

There's a hero in me
It's all I wanna be

Is someone to rely on
Looks good on TV

Save the day
It's part of the routine

Out of my way
This is a job for me

There's a hero in me
It's all I wanna be

Is someone to rely on
Looks good on TV

Save the day
It's part of the routine

Out of my way
This is a job for me

There's a hero in me, yeah

There's a hero in me

The SignaI of Strength!

From the uprising plot
in Zoome Time Boome Time?

Dad, it's a good, solid idea.
And it came from you.

I don't know. You really think it'll work?

I don't know.

I still have to figure out
how to send the signaI.

But even Tripp says, "If you don't
even try, you'll just wonder why. "

You know
who said that first, don't you?

You did, when you were eight.

It was so smart, so innocent.

As soon as you said it,
I knew, "That's how Tripp thinks. "

Tripp? Wait, you're saying...

Melissa, where do you think
he comes from?

A writer is only as good
as his own experiences.

The ideas, the plots, the characters,
that's where they come from.

When you were born,
so was Tripp Zoome.

I hear whispering!
I don't like whispering!

So I'm in your books?

Sweetheart, you're everywhere.

You're in the plot. You're in the humor.
You're the heart.

You're my heart.

You're the reason I write, Melissa.

And I'd give it all up tomorrow
if it meant losing you.

What's buzzing, cousin?
How's our little book coming?

- It's coming.
- Good.

Good. Thanks to that firestorm
that's brewing outside,

sooner is gonna be much better
than later, for all of us.

You know,
there's something I don't get.

Why do you care what Skunk writes?

What, are you writing a book?

I'm kidding, it's a...

Look, I don't care what Skunk writes.
I care what your father re-writes!

But my book.
You said...

I said a lot of things.

Wait, did you actually think I gave
a hint of a hoot about your writing?

Please. The back of that cereaI box
has a more interesting plot.

Look, the whole plan was, I needed his
writing so I could sell the manuscript

as a NeaI Morris book.

The last NeaI Morris book.

Okay, now we have a problem.

The last NeaI Morris book means
the last Tripp Zoome book,

and the last Tripp Zoome book means
no more me, Tripp Zoome.

That is not okay!

We'll talk about this later.

Having your father start
with Skunk's verbaI drooI

was just a way to get you fools
to do the dirty work.

Talk about your "dumb thug" character.

Look, I'm not writing this book for you.

I think you will, big daddy.

Because untiI you do,
you won't see your little princess again.

Lock the girI in the bathroom.

- Moe.
- Okay, look,

we didn't sign up for this.

Well, you signed up for something,
and that alone is worth five years in jaiI

for you, Maurice, and your little brother.
Now, do it.

Just come with me.
What? No!

Just come on. Just... Come on, just...

Here. Sorry.

Now let's discuss
our little deadline, okay, NeaI?

All right, look, I'll do what you want.
Just don't hurt my daughter.

No signaI in my sights yet, Wheeze.

Don't worry, she'll come through.

And then, we strike.

Okay, think, Melissa.
What would Tripp do?

Come on. Let's burn rubber, Dad!

Collectors don't actually care
if it's any good,

just that it's you who writes it.

You're pathetic, you know that?

I'll keep that in mind,
in case I ever care! Which I won't.

I really thought I was doing right.

I just wanted better for you, not this.

It's okay, Moe.

You helped me meet my hero.
He helped me write.

That's not so bad in my book.

"My book. "

This way!

Hey, hold up!
Coming behind you!

Barometric pressure rising.
Wind, one knot north-southeast.

SignaI! I see the signaI!

Move, move, move!

Guys! Guys, I can't see the signaI.

I can't see the signaI!
A little help here, please?

- Floss! Floss!
- Floss! Floss!

- Floss! Floss! Floss! Floss!
- Floss! Floss! Floss! Floss!

Hey, guys!

- Floss! Floss! Floss! Floss!
- Floss! Floss! Floss! Floss!


All right, everybody,
let's flush them out!

That way, we control
where the flow goes.

You are so Zoome enough.

Super-stinky cheese bombs ready?

- Ready!
- Aim!


Let them have it!

All your cavalry's here! That's it!

Time to make tracks. I'll take him.
You two grab little sis.

Move it!

Hurry up!

What's the matter, Merv? Afraid?

Of a bunch of sun-deprived
bookworms? Please.

Eat grape juice, loser.

Come on! This will never come out!

Was that really necessary?

- Floss!
- Run!

- Go get her! Now!
- Run to the top!

You had better hope
that she doesn't mess this up.

No, you better hope.
You don't know my daughter.

All right, Zoomers,
let's seaI off the streets.

No one gets in or out. Move!

- Floss!
- Floss!

All right, it's you and me.
We're going in.

Slow down! We won't hurt you!

Like I'm gonna wait to find that out.

How about a little Slip-Slap Tripp Trap.

Hey, guys.


- You got the clue.
- Yeah, the SignaI of Strength. Nice.

So what do you think? Waxed or mint?

Now, come on, Merv, don't you think
you're in a little over your head, here?

No. Once we get to my car,
we're home free.

You know, Skunk,
you're really not a bad writer.

I know. Just a bad guy, right?

How about a confused,
likable bad guy?

Come on, my dad.

Hand-holding. Finally!

Come on, guys, throw me a bone, here.
Tell me where they are.


- This is my last suit! Make them stop!
- I don't think I can do it!

I just don't get it! Your plots are so trite!

Give it up, Merv. It's over.
There's nowhere to go.

Okay, calm down. I think there's been
a little misunderstanding.

We gotta do something, Maurice.

I know, little brother. I know.

I got it. Spin.

- What?
- Spin!

Like your life depended on it!

We're not so bad after all.



Are you sure you're okay?

The best I've ever been, sweetheart.
Just the best.

All right! Thank you. Thank you.

First off, two mega-important

One, due to your amazingly
Tripp-tastic efforts this morning,

everyone here will receive a free
autographed copy of my next book.

That's right.
Thank you, thank you. Yes. Yeah.

Second, there's a little unfinished
business we have to take care of,

the Zoome Enough Prize.

Knowing about something is great.

But putting that knowledge into action
requires a level of commitment

that borders on insanity.

So on that note, please give it up
for my new friends, Andre...

- Floss! Floss! Floss!
- Floss! Floss! Floss!


What's up, Tripp fans?

And Wheeze!

Thank you. You know, guys,
my parents never got why I was

so into these books, and
all I gotta say now is, reading rocks.

Good job.

You know, all that's happened,

I couldn't have done any of it
without you.

But you did. All of it, actually.

I may be the "who" your dad writes
about, but you, you're the "why. "

Remember that.

We've got one more prize.

Without her, none us would be
standing here today.

She is my inspiration.

She is the reason I do what I do.

My daughter, Melissa.

- Floss! Floss! Floss! Floss!
- Floss! Floss! Floss! Floss!

Chin up, Moe. Time's on our side,
even if nobody else is.

Skunk, that made sense.
And it was clever!

And Dostoyevsky, he wrote some really
cooI stuff while he was in the slammer.

That's my brother. He's a writer!

- Hey, NeaI.
- Yes?

Are you sure you can't stay
another day?

Sorry to get rescued and run,

but my daughter and I have a vacation
to salvage.


I've always been ready, Dad.

Hang on, Melissa.

Here's my phone number,
in case you want to...

- Go out?
- Yes. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, actually, that'd be...
That'd be great.

You just have to promise me one thing.

Anything. Anything at all.

It's gotta be a normaI date.
Just you and me.

No guys in weird costumes.
No mentho-dentaI floss.

No police intervention.

I promise.


Bombs ready? Aim!


This is just perfect.


Come on!

Eat grape juice, loser.

Come on! This will never come out!

Found the brake.

This is my last suit! Make them stop!

Merv Kilbo and his trusty ragtop
are on the case.

Special thanks to SergeiK.