Death Sentence Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Death Sentence script is here for all you fans of the Kevin Bacon revenge movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Death Sentence quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Death Sentence Script


- Hey.
- Hey.

- Is this yours?
- Dad.

Didn't think so.


Hey, I was gonna
do that for you later.

Now you won't have to.

- OK. OK, are you hungry?
- Yeah.

- Cereal?
- OK.

All right.

- So the plan...
- The plan.

Cara, Dad's about
to reveal "the plan."

I'll pack up the car,
pick you up right after school,

and then we'll drive
straight... through.

- Sounds good.
- Does not.

- What now?
- Well, isn't the whole point

that we go to school? You're
forcing us to miss school

when we should be,
like, in school.

Right? I mean,
what about my studies?

OK, why are you smiling?

I just never thought I'd hear you say,
"What about my studies?"

It makes me, like, smile.

- I don't wanna go.
- We do this every year.

Only time we can get
the family together.

Gotta help Grandma
and Grandpa.

- Go.
- You're destroying my education.


- Yes?
- Very good column, sir.

That bit about curfews?
Very apt.

And may I also say
that yesterday's column

on boundary
setting was excellent.

- Who are you?
- I'm Marty Barasco.

I would like to thank you
for last Friday's column.

It helped me understand my parents.


Well, Marty,
what else can I do for you?

I'd like to see your daughter,
sir. If I could.

Ah. Jane. Jane!

Actually, I'm here for Cara.

Nice to meet you, Marty.
Come back in two years.

I don't wanna brag,
but Mr. Shaff says

I'm one of the best drivers in his
class. He says I'm highway ready.

Mr. Shaff and I may not agree.

- Cara! Let's go.
- So will you let me?

We'll see. 3pm sharp.
Do not be...

- Late. We got it.

Yes, we do.

FYI, that boy you were really rude to
before is my friend, Marty,

my lab partner from class. We're
doing an extra-credit project together.


Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait! Wait, wait, wait!

- Come on!
- Hurry up!


Yeah, Jordy,
I e-mailed it half an hour ago.


No way. You're kidding.

That's funny.

- Where's your sister?
- You're late.

She went to Yumms.
Can I drive?

- Dad's going to be syndicated.
- Not so fast.

There're others being considered...

Aw, that's great. Can I drive?

Look. You're a fine driver. It's the
just the other hundred million dr...

If you don't let me,
I'll never learn.

But if I let you,
you may not live.

What was that?
What are you doing?

- Could you be more embarrassing?
- Sorry to interrupt your studies.

Well, we can't all
be monks like you. No.

- By the way, you're grounded.
- Oh, I'm grounded?

Mm-hmm. For how long?

- For life.
- Dad, come on.

- It's humiliating.
- Tell me about it.

Grounded for a month.

A month! But that's
worse than forever.

- OK, Dad, why?
- You lied to me.

Yeah, well,
you can't handle the truth.

Try me next time.

- But... but...
- No, no. No. No.

- OK, Dad. I... I love Marty.
- Oh, please.

- OK.
- Come on.

Dad, Dad. Dad, Dad, stop.
OK, just listen. Listen.

I didn't know right away.
It took me a while.

- What's a while?
- I've known him for three weeks,

but I knew in three days.

You can't know in three days.

- Well, maybe she can.
- No, no. No.

What you're feeling
is not love.

- It is young and reckless.
- Yes, it is. I love him.

- You may think it's love, it is not!
- No, I love him. I love him.

- No, it's not. No, it's not.
- I love him.

I love him. I love him.

Dad? You OK?

There goes
Jane's college education.

There goes Cara's.

- Oh, no. What about mine?
- No, you're good.

Ah, no, wait. There it goes.

You can't keep me from Marty.

Dad, let me remind you
that guys are half the world,

and I'll find others.

But know that only
Marty gets my heart.

In the car.

- I know a really good driver.
- No.


Here you go.

I think your sisters
aren't very happy with me.

- Duh.
- Why do you think?

You're a good father,
but sometimes a bad dad.

- Who told you to say that?
- No one.

Was it Jane or Cara?
You can tell me.

- I made it up myself.
- No. You didn't.

Which one of your sisters
told you to say that?

I made it up myself.
I'm in the fourth grade.

- I can make things up for myself.
- Jane or Cara?

- I made it up myself.
- Jane or Cara?

- I'm in the fourth grade.
- She's in the fourth grade!

Oh, they're here.

They're here. Come, girls.

- Hey, Poppy.
- Good to see you.

Hi, Lil.

Hey, Dad.

- Well, now we're all here.
- Mm-hm.

- How you doing?
- Uh, fine. Or maybe not.

- My kids can't stand me.
- Means you're doing something right.

Oh, you're so...
Hiya, honey.

Look at your girls.
They're all grown up.

No, no, no.
They're still very young.

- Come on, Lilly. Lilly.
- Hey, how are you?

- She's getting big.
- Getting bigger every day.

- Hey, man.
- Dan the man.

Good to see you.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Hi, Uncle Dan.
- Hey, Eileen, how are you?

- Did you hit traffic?
- Yeah, it wasn't... eh, not too bad.

- Hi, sis. Good to see you.
- Glad you're here.

Who are they? I've never
seen these guys in my life.

- Hi, Uncle Dan.
- Say something.

- Something.
- It happened. I knew it. Way to go.

- Sounds good.
- Help your uncle with his bags, OK?

Honey, you're down here.

Your brother, Mitch, has
a friend coming to visit, so...

- I'm in the special room.
- Yeah.

- Sorry, bro.
- That's OK.

- You sleep tight.
- You too.

- You tired?
- Get down, get down!

- Morning.
- Good morning.

- Sleep OK?
- Yeah.

- Get down!
- Can I get you guys something?

Get a life.

- She just needs some space.
- That's not what she needs.

Yeah. She does.

From the sound of things,
you all do.

Yeah, why don't you
go get the papers?

- Oh, Mom.
- Yeah, go on.

It would do you good.
Get lost for a little while.

- Maybe I should stick around.
- No. Get lost, Danny.

It's not a request.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- Good morning.
- I'll be with you in a minute.


Well, then he went downtown.

Yeah. For coffee. Right.

Talks to him on weekends.

Hi. Excuse me. Could you help?

Um... Yes.

I'm looking for a book,

- Anything in particular?
- Yeah, something that can help me

deal with, um...

...what might be
an awkward situation.

Oh. OK. Um, what...
what's kind of, um...

Well, something funny
might be nice.

But not necessarily big, "ha ha ha,"
laugh-out-loud funny,

you know, and certainly not
make-fun-of-other-people funny,

but rather something,
uh, human funny.


And, uh, if it could, um,

sneak up on you,
surprise you,

and at the same time make
you think that what you thought

was not only right
in a wrong kind of way,

but when you're wrong,
there's a certain rightness

- to your wrongness.
- Um...

Well, maybe what
I mean is, um,

more importantly, I'm looking
to be swept up.

And at the same time, not.

Meaning I wanna feel, uh,

a deep connection to, uh, something.

Or maybe I don't know
what I'm looking for.

Well, in my experience, you rarely
find it all in just one book.

- Oh.
- Maybe that's why there're so many.

- Hmm.
- Um...

- So, what do we have?
- We have a smattering, a sort of

- potpourri of possibilities.
- Potpourri?

Yeah. Um, here we go.
We have, uh, poetry.

Dickinson, you know, basic stuff.

- Little Neruda is always good.
- I agree.

Oh, now, this is actually
a real page-turner.

The Life of Gandhi?
I... No, but he...

Nobody has ever
been quite so cool as him.

Um, lighthouses.
A Good Man Is Hard to Find.

- Uh, the title alone.
- Anna Karenina. I don't...

Oh, now, that's funny.

No, actually, no,
funny is here.

Maybe it's not that funny.

No, actually that's funny.
Very funny, and true.

Good. OK, good. Um...

But, uh, if you
could pick only one.

Ah. Well, I would say

that nothing rivals

the romance of Fishcliff.

I'm being honest. I just walked around
and I just grabbed stuff.

I just grabbed
whatever I could grab.

- You were lookin' for?
- Sold.

- I'm sorry?
- I want them all.

These were just
suggestions, I...

Make sure he gets
the commission for this.

- He doesn't work here.
- Well, he should.

You are smooth.

Uh, actually,
no, I'm not smooth.

I'm, uh, Dan. Sorry.


Hey. Hi.

Um, so, Marie,
can I make it up to you?

OK. Here is your tea. Hot.

Watch it.
And there is my orange juice.

And I bought a muffin,
but I think

they gave me a small planet.

I should put that down.

- Thank you.
- I have napkins and utensils.

I'm a big believer in forks.

And you are not,

- So, Dan...
- Yes.

- You were born?
- I was born.

Like everybody else. And I grew up,
like everybody else. Good?

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Um, OK. What else?

I went to school,
and I had a Bonanza lunch pail.

This show, '60s, a TV show.

When I was ten,
I wanted to be a magician.

So I used to hold these magic shows
for all the kids in the neighborhood.

I tried to make
a neighborhood girl levitate.

And she didn't. And it involved
a body cast, and several stitches...

...the end of my...

Let me tell you something,
something I've never...

You're gonna laugh.
Something I've never told anybody... my life.

Um, and this is really hard
for me to say.

And then she got, uh, sick.

And, um, then she was gone.

And, uh...

It's taken a while.

We should probably talk
about something else.

So you're telling me that you're one of
those widowers with three daughters

who preys on unsuspecting
women in bookstores?

- It seems that would be me.
- Been there.


No, it seems that it's been...

...seriously hard.
- No. Um...

No, we're OK now.
We're really OK.

You don't have to smile.

Better than the alternative.


- Can you hold?
- Mm-hmm.

- Excuse me.
- Mm-hm.

Hi. No, no,
I'm minutes away. Yes.

- Um, I have to go.
- Oh. OK.

I just lost track of time.

I wish we could keep talking.

Well, it was nice, and a bit unusual,
meeting you.

- Maybe I can call you sometime?
- Uh, that might be awkward.

- 'Cause you're in a relationship?
- Yes. A new one.

I would've found out
if I hadn't been talking.

- That's true.
- But it's not exactly fair, is it?

- I mean, you know all about me...
- Thank you.

And I know nothing about you. I don't
wanna go through the rest of my life

wondering about the woman in the
bookstore who let me do the talking.

All we'd be is two people
finishing a conversation.

Uh... OK.
No harm in that.

Oh, OK.

Call. Or don't, but, uh, call.

Oh! Um, hey, hey, hey!

Just so you know, um, I would even call
to say I'm not calling.




"I'd even call to say I'm not calling?"

Sorry. Sorry!

I, um... I never do this
kind of thing, officer.

I'm usually very careful.

And nobody believes in...

- Welcome to Rhode Island.
- Yeah, OK.

Yeah, it's nice to be here.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- What's wrong?
- Nobody.

I mean, nothing.

Danny's back.

- Dude, are you all right?
- What? Yeah.

- No, no, no, I'm good. I'm good. Yeah.
- Really?

'Cause you don't...
you don't seem good.

Well, it was the strangest thing.
I, um...

- Wow.
- Wow what?

I met somebody,
and she's really something.

- Hot damn!
- Bro, that is beyond huge!

- You got her number?
- Yeah.

- You gonna call?
- It's complicated.

No, it's simple.
You've gotta call.

No, he just met her. He's
probably worried it's too soon.

No, it's never too soon.
Especially for somebody his age.

- Amy, Dan met someone.
- Shh...

- He met someone?
- Dan met someone?

- Come here. How soon till he can call?
- Shh.

I don't know. I haven't
been single for years.

- Me neither. My God, who is she?
- Uncle Dan met someone?

Dan met a hottie.

All right, all right.
That is enough.

You know what?
Let's ask Annie.

- Just now?
- Now.

- What does she look like?
- Um...

- She...
- What's the, um?

- The question?
- This is my brother, Dan.

And, um, he needs your advice.
He met some hottie downtown,

and, um... She's a little shell-shocked.

Wouldn't you be?
Mitch neglects to mention

that in their weekend away, she's gonna
meet our entire family.

- I didn't want to scare her off.
- Let's go, everybody! Let's go.


So, um, Annie?

It's Anne-Marie.
Um, Mitch calls me Annie,

but, uh, I'm
Marie everywhere else.

I've two Marys and
a Martha in my exercise class,

- so I didn't wanna confuse people.
- No. That would be not good.

- I... I prefer Marie.
- Come on, sweetie.

- Women are on the porch.
- Girls out there,

guys in here.
Come on, Dan. Let's do it.

Perfect! OK. The briefest time units.
Four letters.

- Mili.
- Oh, wait.

- Nano!
...A- N-O. Great!

Hey, no spying.

- You guys are way behind!
- That's not helping.

Uh, I don't think "secretive" fits.

No, it doesn't fit.
"Secretive" doesn't fit.

- Let's move on to 12 across.
- We're movin' on.

For you to be interested in someone,
she must be really special, right?

- Skip 12.
- This is what I'm trying to tell you.

It is not going to happen.
She is already dating somebody.

- That's not your problem, bro.
- Actually, it kind of is.

Listen up, 15 across,
five letters, pan-fry.

- Pan-fry.
- Pan-fry. Uh, "grill." Uh...

Dude, is there a rock on her left hand?

- Uh, no, not yet.
- Then all's fair.

All right, now focus, people!

- Saute.
- Oh, my gosh. Of course it's saute!

And, uh, the word before,
did we try "zeitgeist"?

- It would be E-l-T.
- I think it would make "ozone" work.

Lord, we hit the mother lode!

Ten letters. "Anything that
can go wrong, will." So...

Earth to Dan.
We're still at across.

- We're not even at down, Dan.
- We're dying here, buddy.

- We're done.
- Hooray for the dishes.

Congratulations, yeah.

- Let's check it!
- What now, boys?

Dishes, duh!

What happened?
You were useless out there.

Sorry, guys.

Lay off him.
He's got a lot on his mind.

- Saute.
- Dad, Mom.

What do you think of?

Well, Mitch, it's too soon to tell.

That being said, she's
bright, lovely, adorable,

and if you botch this up,
we'll keep her and get rid of you.

Dan, honey,
you missed a spot.

Seriously, dude.
That girl is smokin'. Amazing. Really.

- What do you think of her?
- Um, she's great.

Let me have a bite.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

- No, no! Let's go, Gus.
- All right.

Can I show you where
we are on this map...

- Oh, yes. Yes.

Um, if I had known,
I would have never...

- Not my brother's girlfriend.
- Uh, no, of course not.

And, for the record,
I never called you a hottie.

- Hey, we are... This is the bay.
- Oh!

- And we're right there.
- I see.

- So, what should we do?
- Um, it's kind of funny.

Maybe we should
just tell everyone.

No. No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

We didn't do anything wrong.
It was sweet...

Good! You guys are
getting to know each other.

Yeah. Just showing her
where we are on the map.

Hey, Uncle Mitch,
you're not counting.

OK, OK. Hey. I know what's
goin' on here with you two.

You're not hiding.

Go ahead. One!

- Two! Go!
- OK.

- All right. I'm...
- Three!

Clay, I know you're
in that back closet.

- Come on!
- Four!

Do over! Do over!

Five! Six!
I'm counting to 200.

- I see you.
- Yes, we do.

I'm gonna lay down
for this whole thing. Eight!

- Mitch is a great guy.
- He is!

He's fun and, uh, funny.

Uncomplicated in a... in a
good way. Just what I need.

- He's a great guy.
- Nine!

See, I just ended this long,
messy relationship,

and I joined this gym
and Mitch was there.

He's a great guy.

- You keep saying that.
- Well, because he is.


Eleven, 12, 13, 14, 15!

- So good luck... to all of us.
- OK.

So a little bird told me
you're gonna be syndicated.

Lilly. They're looking at a bunch of
columnists. It's a long shot at best.

She's amazing. Name a place,
she's either lived there or visited.

Tibet, Chile, Berlin
when there was the Wall.


Wait! Whoa, whoa, what'd I miss?

- Well, Mitch certainly made out.
- Yep.

And what about you?
Have you found anyone?

- Dad, don't...
- Look, I know you always say

that with Suzanne you won the lottery
and that to try again would feel greedy,

but it's been four years.

Can we just walk, please?

I wanted to spare you.

And I never smelt a thing!

Somebody please pass the corn.

- And that's how we met.
- I got it.

- My version...
- No.

- What's your sign?
- Scorpio, Libra rising.

- Oh, my God, so am I.
- Really?

Do you have any siblings?

- No.
- Who wants corn? Any...

Tell us something about yourself
few people know, not even Mitch.

I am an, um... an accomplished

- maker of pancakes.
- Talent show.

- Talent show.
- What would your perfect day be?

Mine would start with Annie,
and end with Annie...

We're not asking you.
So you were saying?

Uh, my perfect day would start
with going to a country

where they speak a language
I don't know, new customs,

someplace where I'm
completely out of my element.

I think you've arrived.

I want to say, the first time...

The first time that I saw her...

Sweetheart, sweetheart,
you don't have to shout.

Well, I thought that I just died

- because there's an angel in the room.
- Mmm. Thank you.

Are you and Mitch in love?

This corn is like an angel.

- Let's design a tent tonight.
- Yeah! Big giant one!

We can make it have ceilings!

Dessert! Dessert.

Oh, Danny, some of us are still eating.

- It's getting late.
- No, it's not.

I'm an only child too. This is
really overwhelming, isn't it?

Have you ever
lived your perfect day?

When does a boyfriend
become a lover?

OK. OK, all right, all right.

I think we can stop asking her
questions. Been grilling her all night.

Does it feel like we're grilling you?

- No. No, not at all.
- She's just being nice.

- No. I love the questions.
- Oh, please.

Mm. On behalf of my family,
I would like to apologize.

None of Mitch's girlfriends
have ever been subjected

- to such in-depth questioning.
- Dan does have a point.

- Right? Not the body double.
- No.

- What was her name? Oh, God!
- Not the Knicks City Dancer.

Or the "massage therapist."

None of the flight attendants from
every major and regional airline

who've wheeled their carts
through this house.

- OK, that's enough.
- What? Am I wrong? Come on.

Wow, Dan. Thank you
for pointing that out.

You're the smartest guy I know.

He's right. It's Annie's turn
to ask me whatever...

She prefers Marie.

Ask me whatever you want,

- I don't have any questions.
- Oh, come on.

Mitch said early on that if I'd forgive
him his past, he'd forgive me mine.

Well, that's a stupid thing to do.

- OK, into the family room.
- Hey, guys. You done?

Kids, come on.
Into the family room.

John, bring the pies, please.

Not you. You'll be
doing the dishes alone.

Six. Six letters.

Yes, yes, yes!

Good job. Good job.

- Second word.
- Second word.

- You, you!
- Hey.

I'm sorry. I was way, way out of line.

No, you're never out of line.
You're my brother.

You'll understand when I tell...

Nothing you can say would upset me.

- Can I just say one thing?
...the bookstore...

When you were talking
about my other girls,

I realized something.

What I feel for Marie
is different.

You know that feeling in,
um... in your...

- Heart.
- Yeah.

- When your heart is just...
- Pounding.

- Pounding. And...
- Like it's actually outside your ribs.

- Yes.
- Exposed, vulnerable...

- Yeah. It's...
- Wonderful and awful

and heartsick and alive,
all at the same time.

Yes. Yes. Yeah, what do you...
what do we call that?

Uh, love.

You always did have the words.

- Stanford or Berkeley.
- Oh, those are great schools.

- Maybe University of Washington.
- Huh.

Or somewhere closer to home.

Lil, you have trouble sleeping,
you know where to find me.


Uncle Mitch, are you going in
for your good-night kiss?

- You bet.
- Mom and Dad's old

- "separate bedrooms till married" rule.
- Kinda high school.

- I agree with that rule.
- Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- Mitch, what're you doing?

Marie brought some books,
but I thought

she should read a real book
by a real writer.

- Oh, no, no, no. Not a good idea.
- Au contraire.

- Please don't.
- Best book I've read.

- May be the only book you've ever read.
- Funny.

- Be nice.
- If you can sign it, that'd be great.

- That's first edition.
- It's the only edition, Mom.

- Oh, now. Good night.
- Good night.

Sleep tight.

Um, I really wish you wouldn't.

"Good luck"? That's it?

OK, we can work with that.


Good night.

- Good morning.
- Hey.

- Say, "Good morning."
- Morning.

Yeah. Good.

Have fun.

Here you go, sweetheart.
There you go.

Marie. Will you join us,
please, beautiful girl?

- Hey, Mom.
- Yeah, honey?

- Mom, will you hit that music?
- Sure.

You need this more than I do.
Here he comes.

All right, Dan. Get on over here.
Here we go, boxer shuffle.

And I wanna see those fists up.
Three, two, one.

To the right!

Get a good bounce.
Five, six, seven. Switch!

Five, six, seven. Whoo!

Four, five, six, seven.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven.

- You wanna take it, babe?
- You wha?

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- OK.


The floor is yours, baby.

And left, and one...

OK, hold on, hold on, all right.
Dan. Dan gets to go up front.

Beginners in the middle. Keep your eyes
on Marie. Doing good. Doing good.

- One, two, three, four.
- Yeah!

- Let's do the arm a little bit.
- All right.

One, two, three, four.

One, two.

OK, everybody. Look, Marie,
what to do. Dan, what not to do.

The other way.

You were excellent.

Thank you so much.

- Oh, you're welcome.
- That's great.

You always hate to start it,

but then you feel
so great after...

Wow. That's a good stretch.

- Oh, yeah.
- Ready?

Hey, maybe you'll try that
on me a little bit later.

It's good.

- Dad?
- Lilly, get your sisters

and meet me in front. Now.

Where are you going?
Can we come with you?

Can we, can we, can we?

My girls are looking for a little
quality alone time with their dad.

But I promise we'll do it
another day. All right?

Lil, come on.
Let's go. In the car.

Girls, let's go.

Dad, what is it? Nana's gonna
teach me how to knit.

- Cara, let's go.
- No.

OK. What are you waiting for?

Come here.

Right here. Right here!

Oh. Oh, you're so heavy. I
don't know what I'm gonna do.

All right. Ah! Oh!
I'm gonna fall down.

I don't think I can do this.


No, no, no.

This used to be the place
with all the shells

and the papier-mache shark.

Remember you loved
the saltwater taffy?

- When I was four.
- Yeah, but... OK.

Stick with me, guys.
Oh, I have an idea! Bowling!

- Yay!
- Bowling, bowling, bowling!

Sounds good.

Life is full of disappointment.

Big and sometimes even bigger.

So, what's it gonna be?

The lighthouse or the
whaling museum? Your pick.

- Do you know why we have lighthouses?
- Because they're neat?

That's right. Yes.

And also because they help
when it's dark out.

They, uh, help keep boats safe

and keep us from crashing
into the rocks.

Because when you're out there

and you're being tossed back and forth
by those big dark waves

and you think that you'll
never feel land again

and that you could just
split into a million pieces

and sink down all
the way down... deep,

it's the light
that keeps us on course.

- It's the light...
- Dad, are you OK?

'Course I'm OK... honey.

- Did you guys have fun?
- No.


- Jump inside. Let's go, honey.
- Kids? Where've you been?

- I know. I know. I'm...
- Oh, we looked all over.

- For an expert on parenting...
- I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.

Hi, buddy. Hi.

- I'm sorry.
- Come on, buddy.

I got it.

Dan. She was amazing.
You should've seen her.

She killed the last quarter mile.

- I was fast. Wasn't I?
- Yeah, it was like I couldn't catch up.

Even your sweat is beautiful.

Where'd Dan go?

Mom, she moves like
a goddess out there.

- Yeah?
- She's like a panther.

You know, just her body...

She's competitive, but I just wanted
to pounce. You know what I mean?

I wanted to ride her up the beach.
She was...

- Don't do that.
- She was like my stallion.

I wanted her to be in front of me.
You know what I mean?

Marie. There's fresh towels up
there in the cabinet to the right.

I miss your skin.

I miss your smell.

Mm. I miss...

I miss your eyes.

- Dad!
- I...

- You're such a freak!
- I...

No, sorry. That was
just my loser of a father!

Yeah, he was totally spying.

- Hello? Hello?
- We gotta talk.

- Can it wait?
- Is this working for you?

I mean, really working. Be honest.

- I'm having a nice time.
- A nice time?

- Yes, I am.
- Really? So you're enjoying yourself?

- Except for the soap in my eyes.
- OK.

'Cause you know what? I'm not.
I'm not enjoying myself,

and I think that,
as two people of principle,

we should have
ground rules. Don't you?

Oh, yeah, sure. OK, sure.

Oh. OK! All right, that's...

That's what I'm
talking about. No, no, no.

We need to keep our distance.
Stop. Stay away.

- Towel.
- Stop. OK. I'm sorry.

Thank you.

And, you know, stop reading
my book. OK, just stop.

- Why?
- And that salsa thing you do...

- What are you talking about?
- The salsa dance.

This... This thing.
If you could just not do that.

- I'm sorry.
- If you stop doing that as a rule,

it would be very helpful to me.

There are other things you
can do, such as not exist.

- Oh. Thank you.
- That... not... Yeah!

I said it. I said it.
I didn't mean it, but I said it.

- And you know what else I'm gonna do?
- What?

I am going to make myself
less attractive,

so as to not encourage
any inappropriate feelings.

OK, that's hilarious.
But you know what? I... No.

- I'm gonna stop thinking about you.
- Good.

I will.

And if I start
thinking about you,

- which may happen in a moment of...
- Weakness.

...weakness, I'm going to focus all
of my thoughts on your flaws.

- My flaws.
- Your flaws.

- And they are?
- I have no idea,

but you can rest assured
that I am going to find...

Just ask Nana. Oh!

I'm so sorry.
Are you taking a shower?

Yes. I'm taking a shower.

Oh, well, a little advice.
Old houses, old pipes.

- Thank you. Thanks.
- Takes forever to heat up.

Um, can I talk
to you about something?

- Sure. Absolutely.
- And can we just keep it between us?

It's just... It was... Um...

See, last night what I was...

You were talking
about your life last night.

The importance of travel and of,
um, trying new things, you know,

and I just started
thinking about... Amazing! Um...

All of that, you know,
how much...

- That looks like it's ready.
- Right.

Um... But just...

Oh, you're...
You're still dressed.

Oh, I forgot.

I'll look away.
I'll look over here.

Anyway, so, I just realized,
you know, really, um...

You know, I've been thinking
a lot about what I wanna do, um,

you know, in the future, like
not just for school, but...

It's just hard to figure out exactly
what I wanna do with my life.

I mean, I know I wanna go
somewhere new and, you know,

try new things, um...

I mean it's just hard
to figure out, you know,

- your place, like where you should be.
- Right.

And just to have that experience,
you know, and to...

Which is, you know,
what it's all about. You know?

- Right.
- But it's also, I mean,

it's also... I mean,
it's also terrifying realizing

what you want is what you want.
You know what I mean?

You know, I think
it's so interesting not...

Interesting the way that,
um, you end up somewhere

other than where you, um...



Mac and cheese. Nothing better.

Adults are in the dining room.

You know, I think I'm going to
mix it up and sit with my peeps.

- Dan. Honey...
- Mom, please. Just let me be.

- Hey, guys.
- Hi, Uncle Dan.

- Hey.
- Hi, Uncle Dan.


- Hi.
- Hi.

- What's going on?
- Marie's helping me with something.

- We're having no fun at all.
- Yeah, I can see that.

- How's she doing?
- She's amazing.

- Bye, Dad.
- Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- So you were saying...
- Oh, yeah.

And I was trying to,
um, make, like, you know...

I was trying to make
like a really heart.

But, you know, I didn't even know how
to even draw a heart. So I cut it.

- Uh-huh.
- And it came out, like,

it was so... it came out
like a... like a star.



- Dan? Hi.
- Hmm. Hey.

Uh. Honey, you know we're worried
about you. You know that.

And with your behavior last
night and this morning,

we are now officially worried.

Well, thanks, I'm touched.
But I'm fine. You don't...

- We're having a private conversation.
- Come on in.

No, come on in.
This is good.

Mom, go ahead,
I'm all ears.

Look, you know,
you do so much for your girls.

And you do so much for all of us.
What are you doing for yourself?

Not now.

- Come on in.
- Think about...

- We're trying to have a talk.
- It's fine.

- We'd like to speak to you privately.
- Stay.

- Go ahead, Mom.
- Yes, honey.

- Is it 'cause Uncle Dan's acting weird?
- Yes, it is.

There's an explanation for it.

- Please tell us.
- I just wanted to talk to you.

Dude, you got to be way backed up.

So I just hope from time to time you are
treating yourself to a little self-love.

- Oh, come on.
- I talked to my urologist about this.

- That's enough. Come on.
- Sorry.

What are you talking about, man?

The real question,
the one no one will ask,

- is will Dan ever find love again?
- No, he won't.

- Howard.
- I'm sorry, he won't.

I'm saying, one of the things,

if you're open to it,
love will find you.

- Oh.
- I suppose.

- Hey, people.
- And... perfect.

I don't think I was being clear before

- but you got to unclog that drain.
- Uh-huh.

You gotta unplug that bottle.
If I mixed a metaphor there.

- Yes, you did.
- So far what you've missed

is, uh, "worried," "love will find,"
"unclog the drain."

Well, thanks. That is it.

- No. That's not it.
- We are done.

You can all...
Oh, come on, Ma.

We met Margot Draper's daughter
at the farmers' market.

- Who?
- And she asked all about you.

You see, Danny, you gotta,
you know, have a little fun.

Which means that Ruthie Draper
is gonna pick you up at 6:00,

- and you're gonna have drinks!
- I don't even remember Ruthie...

- You're gonna go on a date!
- No, no.

No, I'm not going on a date, Mom.

Yes, honey, it's time.

Ruthie "Pigface" Draper. Mom,
Dad, what, are you kidding?

Not "Pigface" Draper. I'm sorry,
that is downright cruel.

There's nothing cruel about it.

Mom, I don't even remember
Ruthie "Pigfaced" Draper.

I don't wanna go! I don't
want to go with the pig face.

- He's going. It's been decided!
- No, I'm not.

- I don't remember "Pigface" Draper.
- This is a blind date.

We'll double. OK? It'll be fun,
it'll be fun. Right, Marie?

Yes, it'll be fun. Yes.

That's my girl.

Come on, it'll be swine... fine.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Go hog-wild.

All right. All right.

All right. All right.

Here we go.

That's very good.

It's really... it's beauti...
Hello! Hi.

Hi. Everybody, this is Ruthie Draper.

- You know everybody. They're bigger.
- Yes. Hi, everyone.

- Nice to see you again, Ruthie.
- Hello, Dan.

- Hi.
- I'd know you anywhere.

I mean,
you look just the same.

Ruthie, um, you look great.


- No, no, no, don't...
- So, Harvard Medical,

Johns Hopkins... You're doing well
for yourself, Ruthie.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's impressive.

It must not, uh, leave enough time
though for... for dating?

Uh, there was someone.

He was very special in my life,
but, uh...

He was lost in
a freak accident.

I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

What's weird is that we'd only
known each other three days,

but it's... you know how
sometimes you just know.

- Yes.
- Yeah. Yes, absolutely, yes.

- Um, yeah.
- So you're a doctor?

- Yes, yes.
- What's your, uh, specialty?

- Um, I'm a plastic surgeon.
- Oh, of course you are.

No, I know, I know,
I know what you're thinking.

But I work exclusively with
burn victims, with children

- born with facial deformities.
- Oh.

- She is basically a saint.
- No. No, I'm just...

I'm just doing my little bit to help,
I think. Just like your brother.

- Oh, stop. I'm...
- When I can't sleep at night,

I go online and I read your
past columns. Have you read Dan?

Only his fiction.

You're in for such a treat, really.

I mean, what... what you said,
the mother of Couch Potato?

- Mm-hmm.
- "Hide the remote.

So, what if he has to get up and change
the channel? At least it's exercise."

It's brilliant. And then... and the
parents of the five picky eaters?

They had to make individual
meals for each kid and...

"What are you, a restaurant?"

- Right.
- Brilliant.

- She used your every word.
- All I'm saying, all I'm saying

is that I don't have kids. And I
don't, I don't have problems,

but it's clear that
if I do one day,

your words will bring me comfort.

I'm sorry. I'm just gonna have
to excuse myself. I can't help it.

I'm sorry. But a girl
that moves like that,

I mean...
...a guy has got to wonder.

Hey, man.

- She's cool. Marie, you're cool, right?
- Yeah. Of course. I'm cool.

But I don't think Dan
is interested in her.

- He's not?
- I'm not?

I don't think you are. Are you?

Oh, nice.
All right. Yeah!

I don't know what it was,
but something was holding him back.

Not anymore.

Well, that's a beautiful thing.

We're coming.

All right. OK.
Home again, home again.

- I really love your car.
- Oh, thank you.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Nice meeting you, um, Ruth.

- Yeah, you too.
- Come on, guys.

Actually, um, Dan and I are
gonna go for a little drive.

Don't wait up.


Mmm, this is fantastic.

I know what the secret
ingredient is... love. Mmm.

Better and better with every bite.

- Words cannot describe.
- Mmm, thank you.

- Well, how are they?
- Dad, they're scrumptious.

Mm-hmm. Truly mouthwatering.

- Almost on my third stack.
- More, please.

- And nothing's stopping you, right?
- Nope.

It's a secret recipe,
but she let me crack the eggs.


So, uh, how's Captain Lucky
doing this morning?

- Oh. Uh, it was fun.
- Yeah?

Heard you worked up quite
the appetite last night.


- Could I have one more there?
- There you go.

You know what? Actually,
I am a little hungry.

- Secret recipe. Right here.
- Boy, these are good.

- I love them.
- Thank you.

- How many have you had, Dad?
- So did you uncork?

Whatever did or did not happen,
no one deserves someone

more than you.

There you go.

- Coin toss. Outside.
- Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!


All right. Nice!

Yeah? You're gonna do that?
That what you're gonna do?

Is that how we're gonna play it?
Yeah! OK.

All right. Yeah, so you wanna
take out my knees, huh?

Come again.

Line up, I need coverage over here.

- Line up! Line up! Here we go!
- All right, bring it back.

- Hike!
- Hey, pork chop!

- Marie! Marie!
- Go, Marie!


Why you persist in acting like
a 15- year-old is beyond me.

I'm filled with reckless desire.

You ought to be filled
with greater restraint.

- What does that mean?
- I think you know what that means.

- Dad, could you?
- Oh, yeah.


Hello? No, I'm his dad.

Someone named
Jordy for you.

Everybody! Everybody!
Dan just got a phone call.

And you know, syndication is
everything for a columnist.

OK, all right. Let me explain.

Um, I've been asked to meet

with the head mucky-mucks

of the Lamson Newspaper Group.

They're driving down tomorrow

and they are going
to sit down with me.

That's great!

- Maybe you should get the job first.
- Yes, that's true.

- Dan the man.
- Thanks, man.





Dad? Lilly just asked me why
you were flirting with Marie.

- I wasn't flirting.
- Don't worry, I covered for you.

- I told her it was nothing.
- Because it was.

Dad, I'm 17.
OK? You were so flirting.

You know,
it doesn't matter anyway.

It's not like she's the
least bit interested in you.

But cool it, OK?

- And, um, congratulations.
- Thanks.

Look, he took a bus here.
He has relatives in Boston. Dad...

Dad, he loves me!


You don't have to worry.

When it comes to sex,
Marty is the one who wants to wait.

What about that sentence is
supposed to give me comfort?

- Dad, I love him.
- Honey...

I love him.

- I love him. I love him.
- No, you don't.

What we have is true love.

And just because you don't have it,

doesn't mean you have to punish us.

Infatuation is not love.
Sexual attraction is not love.

- You don't understand.
- Uh, I don't understand.

No, you don't even understand
that you don't understand.

What don't I understand, Cara?
Please, help me out.

What is it? It's frustrating that you
can't be with this person?

That... that there's
something keeping you apart,

something about this
person you connect with?

And whenever you're
near this person,

you don't know what to say,
and you say everything

that's in your mind
and in your heart.

And you know that if you
could just be together,

that this person will help you become
the best possible version of yourself.

So Marty can stay?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

"Marty can stay?"

Howard is going
to drive you to the bus.

We called your aunt,
she's waiting in Boston.

- Yes, sir.
- Look, I'm not your parent,

but I think you should know,
love is a dangerous feeling.

- No, sir.
- Are you arguing with me?

No, I'm... It's just...

Love is not a feeling,
it's an ability.

- Who told you that?
- Made it up, Mr. Burns.

Come say goodbye.

Window. OK, that's it.

- Dad.
- She'll see him again soon enough.

No! No!

No! Marty! Marty! Marty!

- That's sweet.
- What's sweet?

How... How is that sweet?

It's OK. It's OK.
Come on, it's OK.

To be that certain.
To feel so much love.

- Love isn't a feeling.
- No?

It's an ability.

Well, if that's true,
you have one gifted daughter.

You are a murderer of love!

OK, Cara. Next?

Uh, Olivia has something
with the girls.

Gus will be doing his usual.
Bella is on the fence.

- Howard and I will sing.
- Oh, that's nice. Aunt Eileen?

- Put me down.
- Oh, really? What's your talent?

Murderer of love.

You were saying?

We have something planned
for the whole family.

Put us all down.

- What's your Dad's talent?
- Doesn't have one.

He's the only one excused
from participating.

I give you Bella Wilson.

All right, Bella!


- Go, Bella.
- You OK?

- I don't have a good feeling.
- Do what you always do.

Marie is not a lip-sync kinda girl.

- I gotta do something special.
- Just... be yourself.


Ruff! Ruff!


- This is for Marty.
- Want me to take the cherries?

- Mm. Uh-uh.
- OK.


She tied it!

- I got an idea.
- I'm sure it'll be great.

It could be.

OK, last but not least,
Uncle Mitch.

Uh, someone very wise,
uh, my brother,

once told me that if you

want to be
completely honest, sing.

Um, by the way, I'd
like to introduce my band.

I don't believe it.
He hasn't played since she...

One, two, three, four.


Yeah, Uncle Mitch!

What he said.

Great job, guys.

What was that?

I couldn't...
I couldn't stop myself.

What am I supposed to do now?

You can't do anything.
He's my brother.

Why did you sing for me... then?

Because I... I'm...

Page 92. "Did I just die?

Because an angel walked
into the room."

Page 148. Uh, "I'll forgive you your
past if you'll forgive me mine."

It seems all his
best lines were yours.

It's unbearable. I...

I can't keep pretending.


- Dad?
- Yeah, peanut.

Will you come up to my room?
I wanna show you something I made.

Um, we'll do it tomorrow.
OK, sweetie? I promise.

OK, Dad.

Oh, God!

- Hey, what's going on?
- Shh.

What is complicated being here?
My singing.

- I shouldn't have sang.
- I know this.

No. It's not...

- It was a bad song. I...
- Is she crying or laughing?

- Oh, no, no, no. Please.
- Please don't do it.


Here he comes.


Uh, no, no, no, no. I don't know what
to say to him. I never lost a girl.

- Oh, good. This is a first.
- Wow.

OK. Oh, uh, oh, yeah,
I'll follow through with these.

Please stop trying to act normal.

Said I was a great guy.

She said she loved me a lot.

And then she said...

...we should both go find
our own true soul mates.

I'm so confused. I don't
really know what happened

from yesterday to today
that made this happen.

There has to be something.
You know, some reason she...

- Why are you looking at me?
- Not looking at you.

He's looking into the vast void that is
his future. You just happen to be there.

Danny, do you have anything to add?

Yeah, what does the expert
have to say? Come on.

- Uh...
- Honey, the hard truth is

we all liked her a lot.

Yeah, we really did.

This isn't helping. No.

Could somebody think
of something fun to do?

OK, OK, um... OK, OK.

Part of the Rat Pack!
Singer. Um, um...

Dean Martin! Sammy Davis, Jr!


Your turn, buddy.
Come on. Let's do it.



- This is a, uh, gift...
- Hi, Jordy.

- You can't talk.
- No, but go on.

- I had to leave.
- I know.

- Ben Franklin!
- But the truth is, um...

- Yes?
- ... I didn't get very far.

Beautiful smile, lovely eyes,
one-of-a-kind woman.

- Marie!
- Yes.

Oh, honey, don't,
don't, don't...

- Dad?
- Hey, you.

- Can I show you what I made?
- First thing when I get back, OK?


- You again.
- Nice to see you, officer.

- How are you today?
- You know why I pulled you over?

I sure do. I know what I was
doing and I know it's all wrong.

- This is gonna cost you.
- Put it on my tab.

- What was that?
- Put it on my tab.

What are we doing?

- It may be wrong.
- Yes.

But there's a certain rightness
to our wrongness, I think.

I think, um,
we've got to think.

I mean, your girls,
and how do we?

They're extraordinary and...

- What?
- I think this is all premature.

You do?

We don't even know
if you can bowl.

All right. No, don't! Wait.

Wait. No, no.
You have to line up.

- Leave me alone!
- Line up.

- Come on.
- You come on. All right.

I'm just watching you.
I'm not...

- Ready?
- Woo!

Oh! Thank you.


I liked that. That was a terrible shot,
but I loved this at the end.

Oh, I wouldn't go yet.

Not bad. That's good.

You're gonna break your arm like that.


No, no. Don't do it.

Oh, come on,
come on, come on!

- Yay!
- Let's go at the same time.

One, two, three.


Oh, my God.
Dad, what are you doing?

- Oh...
- What the hell? Marie?

- Hey.
- What the hell's going on?

- We'll go.
- They were just kissing.

I can explain.

- You two broke up, right?
- Two hours ago.

- We broke up two hours ago.
- I know, I know, I know.

I thought that you left.

She did. She left, but she
just didn't get very far.

- What?
- I can explain this.

- Yeah, let him explain.
- OK.

Remember the woman at
the bookstore? Here she is.

You told me to go after her,
and I didn't.

It wasn't planned, Mitch.

I know how this looks. But,
Mitch, I also know how it feels.

How does this feel,
you son of a bitch?

Oh, my God!

- What happened?
- I'm so sorry.

Everybody, take it easy.
You're not helping.

- Oh, no.
- I'm sorry.

Oh, darling.
Get some ice. Oh!

- Dan, you all right? You OK?
- Marie!

No, don't go!

I don't know what we were thinking.

I'm sorry.

Don't go.

Dad? Get...

Dad, wait!

What are you doing? Dad!

All right, this is your summons
for your court appearance.

One last thing. You need
to surrender your license.

You have guests.

- Oh! Speak of the devil. Hi.
- Hi.

Cindy Lamson. Editor of special
features, Lamson Newspaper Group.

- Hi.
- Jim Lamson, publisher.

- Nice to meet you.
- Yes.

We've been sitting here
chatting with your family.

We've especially enjoyed the pleasure
of meeting your lovely daughters.

- Oh.
- Hot cider?

Thank you. That looks...
Thank you very much.

Looks great. Thanks.

Father? Hot cider?

Not only are you a murderer of love,

but you're the worst parent ever.


Well, um, as you probably know,

we have met with
two other candidates,

but my father and I are confident

that we have saved
the best for last.

Uh, girls.
You can leave if you like.

Oh. If it's all right,
perhaps they should stay.

We like to keep the family involved.

Well, Dan, here, he knows all about
keeping things in the family.

- Don't you, Dan?
- That's why we're so drawn to you.

What you represent in your column,
your moral values.

The personal characteristics that
are reflected in your writing,

- Very impressive.
- Honesty, trustworthiness...

And we have
great plans for you, Dan.

What we try to do is what you
keep telling your readers to do.

- What's that?
- Put family first.

OK. OK. Here's the thing.

Somebody hasn't been
reading his own column.

I'm not sure what that means.

Go away. You're a liar and a hypocrite.
Cheating with your brother's girlfriend?

How long did you know her?

Two moving violations and a collision?
Was that part of the plan?

Worst of all, you blew off Lilly.

She's been wanting to show you
something she made for you.

But you never showed up.


- I really messed up.
- No, you didn't.

Yeah, I did, Mom.
What I did to Lilly.

- Don't forget Mitch.
- Oh, John.

And those newspaper people.

Admittedly, not a good day
for you, honey.

If I just stay focused
on being their dad...

Oh, please.
You know, love is messy.

I should know better.
I hurt my kids.

Go un-hurt them.

- Honey, you've made some mistakes.
- Many, so many.

Falling for Marie wasn't one of them.

Can somebody get me another box,

Yep, yep. Coming.


Mitch, I...

If it was anybody else...

I am so...

Hold that thought.

Hey, beautiful.

Girls, I'd like to talk
to Lilly alone, if I could.

OK, then. All of you.

I know I messed up.
Big time.

- Yep.
- Yes, you did.

Now, your mom...

I miss your mom.

All the time and I always will.

- Mom's gone.
- Aw, honey. I see her every day.

I see her in your goodness, Jane.

And, Cara, your passion.

And, Lilly, you have her eyes.

And her smile.

So here's what I'm going to do:

I am grounding myself for life.

I'm sticking with you.
I am going to be with you...

- You're with us every day.
- I'm not going anywhere.

See, I got a little confused with Marie,

but that is over. OK?

I kinda lost my head.

Got a little stupid because I love her.

That's... That's not...

I don't love her.
And that's not what I meant.

I mean, how could I love her?
I've only known her...

- Three days.
- Yeah.

And how can you know in three days?

I don't know.

Yes, I do. I love her.

I love her. I love her.

I love her. I love...

I love her.

Then go get her.

We so prefer her to you.


- Now.
- Oh.

Honey. Honey. For the road.

- What is it?
- I can't do it.

- You must.
- I don't have a license.

I'm pretty good with maps.

This is so queer.
But I wouldn't miss it for anything.

Dear readers,
for most of you,

this is my first
column in your paper.

In the future, I will be
answering your questions,

but today, I wanna break from
my usual format and talk to you

about the subject of plans.

Not so much my plan for this column,
more like life plans.

How we all make them.

And how we hope that our kids make
good, smart, safe plans of their own.

But if we're really
honest with ourselves,

most of the time our plans
don't work out as we'd hoped.

So instead of asking our young people,

"What are your plans? What do
you plan to do with your life?"

Maybe we should tell them this:
Plan to be surprised.

It's falling out.

And that's it.

Okay, guys. Ready?

- Okay.
-  We wish you a merry Christmas 

This is just what I wanted!

Yeah, you like it?

Is that the one?
Good. Good. Merry Christmas.

Oh! The new hockey stick!

- Is it a good size?
- It looks fine to me.

Let me see that slap shot. Wait!
Don't knock anything off the table!

I take it that that's a cut, or what?

I am the greatest.
I am the greatest.


Show me what ya got. Ho!

Ho! Hang on one sec.


All right. Flip it up.

You okay?

Oh. You okay?

Okay. You're on your own.

Oh, my gosh! Luke!

Oh, honey!

Watch out for the tree though.

- Do a trick.
- Do a trick.

- How proud are you of him?
- Oh, my God. He's amazing.

Tell me the truth.
Did Mommy do that painting for you?

Hey. Wow, look at that.

I just got one question.
What the heck is it?

- It is abstract.
- Sorry.

When I get signed,
I'll buy you a new house, okay?

What's wrong with this house?


Oh, shit.

Okay, make a wish. Make a-

So, how old are you, Mom?
We were just wondering.

How old am I?

You look gorgeous.
You don't look a day over--

Just spit it out, Dad.

Brendan Hume, you've just
won M. V.P. Our golden boy.

Number one!
Number one. Number one.

- Let's get this baby lit.
- Can I slap him? Will he wake up?

- No. No, no, no.
- Please. He's gonna kill us.

- Here's a surprise!
- Surprise!

- Happy birthday, Lukey!
- Happy birthday, Lukey!


It feels no different than yesterday
when I was 13.

Do you want your 14 punches now or--

Uh, a little later, after I wake up.

Get off me! Aw, man!
I almost had you.

 Should old acquaintance be forgot 

 And never brought to mind 

 Should old acquaintance be forgot 

 And days of auld lang syne 

Can you get me those faxes from London?

All right. Thanks.

Can I bother you?

You know, just when you think
there's no order anywhere...

there's order lookin' right at you.

- Okay.
- What do you need here?

Annie said I need you to approve this.

This guy worked here at Starfish
for six years...

but, uh, his wife's dead,
no kids, no will.

I just wanna roll his pension back up
into the fund and make it easy.

Come on.
Don't make me file with the state.

We file with the state so that, one day,

if somebody looks back
at this guy's death...

he will see that we did our job.

You're right.

We gotta cover our
asses. I got it. Sorry.

No, no, no. No, we do our job...

and we do right by a guy
who worked for us, lest he die in vain.

What's that "order in
the universe" thing?

Well, you- Our insurer spent
300,000 bucks on this new model -

new field data, new society.

Who is the ideal employee?
Who dies how and when?

They sent it over to show
what a great job they're doin'.

And you know what it says?

It says that people with kids
live longer than people with no kids.

People with two live longer
than people with one.

Smoking is bad. Speeding is bad.

Deaths in the family are bad.
Divorce is bad.

It's just kinda nice to see
that all that junk is still true.

You know?

Hey, you're the one
with the perfect kids.

- Mom, that's not fair.
- Of course it isn't fair.

But when you screw up,
it's embarrassing.

- I'm supposed to be a dean.
- It's not like I killed somebody.

Telling a teacher to
shove his laser pointer...

up his ass is as close as we get.

The guy's a buffoon, Mom.
I was quoting.

It was, like, an ironic "shove it."

You want an ironic probation?

We haven't even gotten to the home
punishment. This is the school end.

So, what do we do?

- Anything but community service.
- Luke, that's brilliant.

Community service is a great idea.

The assisted living leisure center's
having a dance party. They need help.

For the love of God, Mom.
The seizure center?


The hockey team
needs a laundry boy.

You could help your brother out.
Support the team.

I'll take the dance of the dead.

I can man the diaper station.

Last time, okay? Thank you.

Brendan, you're such a kiss ass.


God gave me the skills.
I can't help it.

- Mom, I need to go kill myself.
- Of course you do, Lukey.

- May I be excused?
- No.

I've got a cretin for a brother.

I've got a no-dick for a brother.

Okay! You stop right now.

- You should know better.
- What?

Let's be a family, shall we?

- Can I say no?
- No.

I demand emancipation.
I want a lawyer.

- Okay, I'm filing right now.
- I'm home.

Sorry I'm late. Did I miss dinner?

No, there's plenty.
I'll heat something up for you.

Dad, I need a ride to the city
on Saturday.

Mmm! The city?

Yeah. It's an exchange game.
And, uh, first line again.

- No kidding? That's fantastic.
- Yeah.

- Waldron must love you.
- Yeah, 'cause he's a kiss ass.

Well, good for him. We all goin'?

- No. Lukey's got soccer.

Yeah, but I'm not
starting, so you can just--

Maybe you should just
kiss some more ass...

or just not suck so bad.

- I heard that could actually-
- Hey, hey, hey. Huh?

Dad, I was just kidding.
He was just being an idiot.

Don't call him an idiot.

Lucas, you have a loyal
and loving brother.

- I agree.
- A loyal, loving kiss ass.

Look, can we just all please-

be civilized for once,
before I kill somebody?

- Whatever, weasel.
- Duh."Whatever, weasel."

Luke, Luke, Luke. Plate.

- Come here, you little punk.
- Ow! Get off me!

See what you miss
when you don't come home?

Well, at least they're
not throwing food.

You played a heck of a game, kid.
I'm proud of you.

- Heck of a game.
- Thank you.

Love the way you're handling the puck.

So, uh, some of the guys
have been talkin'...

about maybe going to college in Canada.

Canada? Canada is far.

- You still have Lukey.
- Ah, there's a comfort.

Oh, no. Come on. I'm kidding. You get to...

kid about your kids,
or you lose your mind.

Look, you had a great game.
You've had several great games, but-

Professional hockey? Is that what
we're talking about here, Bren?

- I mean, maybe. I don't know.
- That's a risky business.

And this is coming from your extensive
professional sports background?

No. My extensive risk-assessment
background, thank you very much.

Risks, liabilities-
the stuff of life, Son.

No, that's the stuff of your life, Dad.

- Your thrilling life.

Hey, don't make fun of
your father, you bum.

I'm the only one you get.

I guess we can talk to Coach Waldron...

- and we can research schools in Canada-
- Okay.

And find somebody who can educate us
on hockey versus law school.

- Dad, Dad.
- What?

Educate us?

Look, I just wanna play some hockey.

Hey. Lights.

Dad. So, what do you say?

- I- I said we could
look into it, all right?


- Please don't tell your mother.
- I would never.

Where the heck is the darn expressway?

Oh, great.

- Hey, where do you think you're goin'?
- I need my fluids, Dad.

Oh, yeah.
The obligatory slushee stop.

- They have 'em in there, right?
- That or something worse for you.

- Do you have money?
- Yeah.

- Well, quick in and out,
'cause we gotta get home.

All right.

Hey, honey, it's me.
I just wanted to let you know...

that our son is going to Canada
to play hockey.

He didn't want any kind
of long, drawn-out...

good-bye, so I dropped
him off at the airport.

He says he'll call, but--

Of course, we may never
see our son again.

But as long as he's happy, right?


- I love you, and we'll be home soon.
- Bullshit, man!

Get the fuck down, or
I'll blow your fuckin' head off!

Get the fuck down!

No! This is your man!
This is your man!

He's goin'for his gun, Billy!

Come on, Bulldog!

Get this mother! Get your guy!

Do this, or you're not one of us!
Do it!

Hey. You can do this.

Kill that motherfucker, Joey.

That's my boy.

- Let's go! Let's go! Give me the gun!
- What about Joey?

- Come on! Let's go!


Fuck you!


Brendan! Brendan!

Help! Help me!

Somebody help me!


Where's Joe?

He's a man now.
He can take the subway.

Can we get some help?
Could somebody help us, please?

- Please! He's been-- He's hurting!
- Doctor!

He was cut. Somebody cut him.

Get an airway open! Create an airway!

- He's my son. That's my son.
- Maggie, get him. Get him. 

- Brendan, we're in the hospital now.
- Sir, you need to stay back here.

- We'll get Maggie to
take care of you here.

They'll get you fixed up now.

Sir, I'm sorry.
You need to stay right here.

- Why can't-
- The doctors need to do their job, sir.

- You need to stay back here.
- I can't go in there?

I'm sorry.

Okay. Well, he'll be okay, right?

That's my-- That's my-- That's my son.

His name's Brendan.


Number Five.

That's Joe Darley.

He's... a kid.

He's a runt, almost 23.

And he's an animal.

They're supposed to
have some kind of a, uh...

pretrial hearing tomorrow, and...

they want me to go and make a statement.

You wanna go with me?

You go.

Put that... animal in jail.

That's what the cops called him -

Are you gonna take that off?

The school said they wanted
to do a memorial.

At the next game, the team
wanted to do something.

That's nice of them.

He would have liked--

Today's easy. I need you to...

sit there, put the fear
of God in this guy.

If the judge asks you, you tell him what...

you told us and identify
Darley in court.

Okay? The minute I get your statement,
and with you sitting right there...

the public defender's
gonna wet his pants and fold.

I'll make a deal in five minutes,
get this guy in jail today. Easy peasy.

Deal? Wait, wait.

Hang on. What do you mean?
What- What deal?

I want this guy to go away
for the rest of his life.

No. I can get you
three to five guaranteed.

That's a very decent result.
I'm talking guaranteed time.

Not maybe,
not the jury didn't feel up to it.

That's worth more than chasing some...

make-believe 10 to life,
and the guy walks free.

- You want that?
- He killed my son.

Mr. Hume,
I've got one eyewitness - you.

That's nice, but do you know
how many cases with one witness...

I don't even bother
to try for a deal on?

The machete magically disappeared.

The only blood we could
find on that weasel...

was his own from when
the car clipped him.

And you picked
the only gas station in America...

without a working surveillance camera.

We've just got your
word. That's not bad,

if I can scare the guy into a deal.

You're using my son's death
like some kinda card trick.

Look -
I get a banger off the street.

A year or so,
somebody does my job for me.

He doesn't get out of there alive-
fine with me.

He finds Jesus - fine with me.

But we get religion and go to trial-
as much as I'd love to -

and the defense starts working on...

when was your last eye exam and what
do you have against inner city youth?

And how unfair it is for them
to grow up so violent...

how they're forced into
initiation killings...

or face execution themselves.

Do you want a jury feeling sorry
for this fucker? Huh?

- You want him to walk?
- Wait. You said... initiation killing.

I- I- I thought this was a robbery.

It only looked like one.

It was an initiation. You kill someone
at random to get made in a gang.

It's the price of admission.

Are you saying that
Brendan was killed...

so that some asshole
could feel more like a man?

So that he could be in some club?

This is a "take it or leave it" thing,
I'm sorry to say.

Your Honor, I'd like
to enter the statement of a witness...

present at the time of the attack -
father of the victim.

We can enter that at trial,
can we not, Mr. Barring?

I believe, Your Honor,
if we enter it today...

defense will change
their plea to guilty.

Save the People
the time and expense of a trial.

That's the statement?

Mr. Hume.

Mr. Hume.

You're giving evidence that
Mr. Darley here, before your eyes...

attacked your son
and caused his death?

You're saying you'll
testify to that in a trial?

No, Your Honor, I am not.


It was... dark.

There were a lot of them.
I can't be sure anymore.

Mr. Barring, do you expect to obtain
evidence other than Mr. Hume's here?

No, Your Honor, I do not.

I'm dismissing this case. Mr. Darley,
you are released from custody.

You may return with a bailiff
to the holding cells...

to retrieve your personal effects.


You beat that shit!
You beat that shit!

- Whoo!
- Yeah! You did it!

You scared that mother
pretty fuckin' bad.

I'm proud of you.

Who's a man now?

Get in the car.

Have a nice, fun time
with this one here.

- All right, bro. Okay.
- All right?

I'm proud of you. All right?



- What are you doin'?
- Nothing.

What are you doin'?
Don't play with that. Put it down.

So, uh-

It was like, uh, a gas station?

Where Bren got killed.

Yeah, it was-
it was a gas station.

Why do you wanna know?

Um, I just, uh-

You know,
I wondered where he died.


It was, uh, a Stop Spot in Rockside.


Do you... think he was scared?

Yeah, Luke. I do.

I think he was scared.

- How did it go?
- They let him go.

- They did what? Why?
- I don't think it was him.

Well, but you said it was him.
You said they had him.

- Are they gonna keep looking?
- Yeah. That's a good one.

- Oh, Jesus!
- I'm sorry. What do you want me to do?

I'm sorry.
I left something at the office.

- I-I gotta go back.
- Now?

- Nick.
- I'll be home as soon as I can.

Oh, God. What am I doin'?

Piece of shit!



Fuck, man.
You fuckin' scared the shit-

Wait a minute.

You fu-fucking kiddin' me?


Fuck! Fuck!

Aw, fuck!

Fu- Fu-

Oh, God.

Oh! Fuck. Fuck.

I've been meaning to do this for months.

It's very grown up of you to help.


- Hi, guys.
- Hi.

- What happened?
- I slipped in the... driveway.

Honey? Oh, my God. Look at you.

- You're a mess.
- It's noth-- It's okay. I cut my hand.

- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.

- It's okay.
- No, it's not okay.

- I'm gonna take a shower.

I'm gonna get bandages.
I'll bring them up.

-... 13, 12, 11...
- Honey, hurry.

- 10, nine, eight-
- How you doin', kid? You okay?

- Five, four, three, two, one!
- I'm okay, I guess.

Happy New Year! Happy New Year!

Good. That's good.

I'm gonna take a shower.

How sweet.

Brendan Hume,
you've just won M. V.P.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Can I take this already?
Can I take the kiss?

Number one! Number one!

Brendan Hume, our golden boy.


- Oh, God. Oh, God.
- It's okay.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

Yo, Billy.

Watch the fucking pieces!

For Christ's sake, they're
worth something- unlike you.

Where you been, Nazi?

- What the fuck you call that?
- That's our night.

When I take pity on you
and your faggot half-wit friends -

give you a couple of corners to run -

you better deliver for me...

or I'll know you've been stealing
and I'll kill you.

You be the prince of Pian...

you fuckin' light-bag me,
I'll fuckin' kill you.

Lord knows I've been patient.


You can get the fuck
out of my sight now.

Fuckin' half-wit.

What? What?

Somebody fuckin' tell me
what the fuck is goin' on.

You hear?

Joe, dude.

Somebody stuck him.

He's dead.


You're lyin'.

Man, he's gone.


How you guys faring?
You, uh, gettin' through?

Yeah, we're okay.
You find compensations.

That's what we do, right?

We compensate for our losses,
move on.

If anything like that
ever happened to me, I'd just-

I don't know. I think I'd snap.

Well, you really don't know
what you'd do until it happens.

- Surprise yourself.
- Excuse me, Nick.

Detective Wallis is here to see you.

Yeah. Come on in.

I, uh-
I'm sorry to break in on your day.

No, it's fine.

Uh, the guy we thought killed your son-

Somebody killed him.


- Oh, what was that- some
kind of a gang thing?

We think so.

- Man, I guess there is justice, huh?
- Yeah, I suppose there is.

I thought you'd like to know.
If he was the guy, I mean.

Yes. Well, thanks-
thanks for letting me know.

Uh, all right,
I'Il- I'll leave you to it then.

I guess I don't need
to say anything, Nick...

but the company would pay for counseling
if you guys want it.

We'll manage.

- Thanks, Owen.
- Okay.

He didn't deserve that.
No way he deserved that.

He was a true fuckin' soldier.

To Joe.

He was a good fuckin' boy.

- A good fuckin' boy!
- Yeah!

So that's what we're gonna do?

Why don't you show
a little fuckin' respect, at least?

See, that is why you guys are nothin'.

That is why you're a bunch
of fuckin' punks-

because you would rather drink up...

and toke yourselves fuckin' witless.

Witless and scared shitless!

No. My bad.

Let's- Here, cheers.

Get your fuckin' glasses up!
All of you!

Joe wasn't made for this shit.
That's all.

- He wasn't like us.
- No, wasn't like you, you mean.

He was not like you!

He was better than you!

We as good as brothers
since we was kids,

and you fuckin'go this way!

What, I'm not as good as you now?

Joe was like blood to me, dog.

As good as fuckin' blood.
You too!


I would like to catch
the motherfucker that did this.

- Oh, we will.
- Ain't no motherfuckin' doubt.

Do the right fuckin' thing by Joe, yeah?

- So who fuckin' did it?
- It wasn't the Cutty Macks, man.

I would know about it.

- Unless you were high.
- I'm not high.

Wasn't "B" Street, Billy.
Wasn't the Hall.

Wasn't any of those assholes.

Yo, my sister said she saw some fucker
in a suit down there just chillin'.

How many fuckers in a suit
you ever see at Stokely-fucking-Hall?

See, here's a comical thing.

When one of us gets killed,
we don't make the paper.

But the son of a senior V.P.
Of Starfish Capital-

Go talk to your sister.

Hey. Amy, what's up?

I'm going home.

You okay? You need anything?

No, I'm fine.

I'm just gonna finish
this risk analysis.

Uh, actually, could you drop this off
with Owen, please, on your way out?

- Sure.
- Thank you. Good night.

What'd he do?

Oh, my God!

Come on! Let's go!

Get in there! Come on!

Come on! Get him, get him, get him!

Bust his ass!

- Through here! Go!
- Go, go, go, go, go!

Get in there! Go! Go!

- Go! Go! Go!
- Come on!

You're fuckin' dead!

Come on!

Open the door! Open the door!

Hey, hey, hey. Which way is 1801?

- 1801 Main! Which way? Which way?
- Through the corridor right there.

Go, go!

Where the fuck did he go?

Heco, Dog, Spink!
Go! Cut 'im off! Cut 'im off!

Look! Look!

Oh, shit!

- Did you talk to Sally?
- Yeah.

Search floor to floor!
Move your ass! Search the floor!

Tommy! Door!

Jamie! Get your ugly ass up there!

Ain't gonna make
a fool out of me, motherfucker.



Billy, we gotta go, man.
We got to get the fuck out of here.

- Come on, let's go! Come on!
- Go! Come on!

Oh. Oh, fuck. Oh, geez.

Hi, honey. I'm sorry I'm late.

What? What do you mean
you can't find him?

Where the hell is he?
Did you call his friends?

Oh. Geez, honey.

Look, I gotta call you back.

I, uh- I think I know where he is.

All right. Get whatever prints
you can from this stuff.

Let me know.

I need you to start a canvass.

Pull people from the
street if you have to.

Someone had to see something.

Luke. Luke! What the hell you doin'?

Your mother's worried sick.
Now get in the car.

- No.
- I said get in the car.

- No, I don't wanna get in the god-
- Come on. Get over here.

- Fuck you!
- Lucas-

This is not a safe place.

Yeah, I know that much, don't I?

Would it have been better if it was me?

Is that what it is?

You guys could have handled that
a lot easier...

than losing Brendan "golden boy."

Luke. Please get in the car.

Come on.

Luke, get in that goddamn car
right now!

Right now!

Oh, God. Oh!

Oh, baby. Honey.

Don't ever do that again, okay?

Yo. We gonna do this?

Memorial service
is only another 100.

He doesn't need a service.
Just burn him.

How about you respect the bereaved's
wishes, or I'm burnin' you too.

We'll make sure you get a service.

Cremation and disposal, 700.

Look, you see this wallet right here?

This wallet's got 200 in it.
And this 200 takes care of my boy.

200. Well...

- we're sorry for your loss.
- Yeah, I bet you are.

You think of something?

What the fuck
are we all doing here?

Maybe somebody's gonna tell me when you...

girls are planning to
put a few minutes in...

on the perfectly good corner
I gave you, huh?

And now, I get to read about
gang wars, dead pieces of shit...

because somebody had to kill
a rich little faggot.

Way to make the fucking papers!

I don't fuckin' need help like this.

Listen to me. Listen
to me. Listen to me.

When you work for me...

you fucking work for me.

You don't in-and-out.
You don't fuckin' half-ass.

You fuckin' pay me!

I say when you're done.

And when I say that, one of you...

leaves the little shit
hole you live in...

after your morning needle
on a pretty day.

And you wake up bleeding to death
in the trunk of my car, okay?

'Cause when you're with me,
I'm your life and your fucking death.

I'm the fuckin' world on a cracker.


which one of you boys is gonna
bleed to death in my trunk, huh?

Will it be you, Billy boy?

Gang lord.


Whatever you little fucks
think is important, ain't important.

So stop it.
Stop it right now.

You're good boys.

Buckle down for me.

They're burnin' Joe.

If you're interested.

Well, he's the lucky one, ain't he?

You need to sign in.

Sir? You need to sign in.
Messengers' drop-off over there.

Nah, I need to hand-deliver this -
to Nicholas Hume.

You can sign in and drop it off
like everyone else.

Hey! Call it in.

- We need some guys
up on the 15th floor.

Hey, hey!

Yeah. Right away.

Nicholas Hume!

Coming through!

- Nicholas Hume!
- Who is this guy?

Who's he?

Nicholas Hume!

- Tom, you okay?
- There he is.

- In here.

Nice office, motherfucker.

They're here now. Never mind.

What the hell do you want?

That's the gift of freedom, baby.

Sir, should we escort this person out?

- Sir?

Free from wondering how
you're gonna die now.

You're free from wondering
if you gonna die alone. You hear?

Get him outta here.

'Cause you'll get
joy and grace all over...

when you finally meet your maker.

- Come on. Stop struggling.
- Get off me!

This way!

Where are you, you bastard?

You wanna send me a reward
for finding that wallet of yours?

You tell me where the fuck
you are right now!

No, I'll tell you
where the fuck you are.

You're in my end
of the fucking sewer, buddy.

I say who lives. I say who dies.

Now, you'd better get that
through your fucking skull...

because there's no more warnings.

I'm comin' for some fucking family time.

No. You listen to me.

You go near my family...

and I will cut out your goddamn guts
like I did your fuckin' friend!

- Do you hear me?
- He wasn't my friend.

He was my brother.

And now I'm coming
for the rest of your family.

You just bought them
a death sentence, motherfucker.


Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

- Nick, what's going on?
- Pick up. Pick up. Come on. Pick up.

- Nick?
- Honey, are you okay? Is Luke okay?

- Yes. We're fine.

All right. Stay there. Keep Luke there.

- Do not go home, all right?
- Why? Wh- What's wrong?

Just stay there
until somebody comes.

- Promise me.
- Who's coming?

The police. Honey. Just stay there
till the police get there.

And then go home.
I'm on my way.

Come on, come on, come on.

Hey, can I have
Detective Wallis, please?

Detective Wallis!
Get me Detective Wallis right now.

- Shit.
- Homicide, this is Wallis.

- They threatened my family.
- Mr. Hume?

Fuckin' trash!
Threatened to kill my family!

All right.
Where is your family right now?

They're at the school!
St. Bartholomew's!

Just help us, please.

Helen! Luke!


Oh, my God.
What the hell is happening?

Honey, why are the police out front?

Nick, you're scaring me.
Oh, my gosh.

Oh! Nick, talk to me.

Dad, what's going on?


What's going on?

You stay there.

Thank God you're here.

Your son was a hockey player.



The car will stay here tonight.

Now, Mr. Hume,
I think it's time you told me.

Exactly who did what to whom?

You make war on the wrong dog?
Hmm? That what you did?

Thought you could just go
kill some little asshole...

because you live all the way out here?

What are you saying?

- What is she saying, Nick?
- I've done nothing wrong.

Well, then why don't you tell me...

how you made Billy Darley
this pissed off at you?

You asked for my help.

All right. All right.

Just, um-Just try to get
through the night, Mr. Hume.

And be grateful you're still alive.

But if you started a war...

God help you.

What have you done?


How do I make it stop?

Did you start it?

Listen. I really don't care
what happens to me.

I just need them to be safe.

Tell me how to stop this.

Well, first off,
do everything they tell you.


And don't worry, Mr. Hume.

We put out an A.P.B.
On Billy and his gang.

I can't believe I didn't see
what was going on with you.

How could you do what you did?

You thought you could...
balance the equation...

put order in the universe?

I lost our boy.

Your boy.

You are a good father...

and nothing that's happened
changes that.

I can't agree
with what you've done.

But I know why you did it.

And I love you.

And I always will.

Well, it's good that you're
getting rid of it anyway.


Mom! Mom!

Get on down there!

Mom! Help! Oh, God!

No! No!

- Mom!
- You fucking animals!

- Fuckin'bitch!
- Bad tune, bitch!

Get in there! Get in there!

- Get over there!
- Yo, Billy?

- Oh, no! No!
- No!

No! No!

Hey, hey. Doctor? Doctor!

- Helen! Helen! Luke!
- Get his arms! Hold the legs!

- Sedate him! Hold him down.

Helen! Luke! Luke!

Critical nurse specialist, dial five.

Critical nurse specialist, dial five.

- Can you turn that off?
- The monitor or your heart?

I'll ask the doctor.

This thing stops right now.

God knows why you're still alive.

But you're being given a second chance.

You think that officer's
out there protecting you?

He's protecting you from yourself.

He'll haul your ass right to jail
if I say so.

You want your retribution
and you kill a couple...

of punks, and it bought you what? Huh?

Everybody thinks they're right in a war.

Everybody still dies in the end.

You are never gonna win this, Mr. Hume.
Nobody is.

I killed them.

I killed my family.

Well, your son's still alive.

- What?
- Barely.

Where is he? Is he here? Where is he?

Wait. Hey, hey, hey.
Come on. Wait a second now.

Luke. Luke! Lucas!

- Calm down.
- It's all right. Let him go.

- Where's my son?
- Sir, you need to get back to bed.

- Tell me where my son is!
- He's in Room 206.

Lukey? Luke.

- We're taking care of your son.
- Doctor?

- Luke?

Doctor, it's okay. Just let him through.

- Is he going to wake up?
- I can't say right now.

It was never gonna balance.

What did you say?

The equation.

Sometimes it's... just chaos.

That's all there is.

I'd like a minute with him.


I'll be waiting.

Hey, Lukey. Can you hear me?

Can you move your fingers?

Son, just move your fingers
if you can hear me.

Luke, I know that, um-

that you think that...

I didn't care about you
as much as your brother.

And God-

I don't know.
Maybe I didn't at first.

You know, um...

when your mom and I...

first had Brendan...

he was just-
he was so amazing to me, you know.

He was like, uh-

He was like this miracle kid.

And I always knew exactly
what to expect with him.

And then when you came along,
I don't know-

I kind of expected to have
another Brendan, you know.

I expected you to be just like him,
but-but you weren't.

I mean, you were so different-
different than anyone.

Different than me.
You're just so much more-

So much more like- like your mom.

You know, stubborn and...

too much passion.

Your mother-

Oh, she meant the world to me...

and so do you.

I just want you to know that I love you.

I-- I love you so much.

I love your brother,
and I love your mother, um-

I love our family, and I- and I-


I'm so sorry...

that I wasn't a better father.

I'm... so sorry...

that I couldn't protect you guys.


Hey, you. Get a doctor.
Right now. Doctor!

Hey, Owen.
I- I need you to check a number for me.

Yeah. 555-0128.

Well, check somewhere else.
Just get it for me.

And the savings too, huh?

Everything. All of it.

Pulling out the kids' college fund, huh?

- Hello.

Hey, Nick. It's Owen. Got
that number run for you.

It's a bar.
It's called the Four Roses.

- Nick, what's going on? Do
you need me to call anyone?


- Good-bye, Owen.
- Nick?

I'm looking for Billy Darley
or any of his friends.

Fuck you!


- Fuck you!
- Fucker! Back it up!

Let me go!

You tell me where Billy Darley is.

Tell me right now. Right now!

You don't want Billy Darley, buddy!

I got business with him.

Okay. Let me go. Let me go!

His boy Heco is crashing at 113,
up the block.

He's usually hooking up around
dinnertime, you know? Okay?

One more thing.

I need to buy some guns.

Help you?

I need guns.

I don't know you.

I came from the Four Roses.

I'm gonna guess.

You're a little bit far from home.

Well, don't let me smell fear on you.

Fear... is for the enemy.

Fear... and bullets.

Lots of fuckin' bullets.

You've got the bastard of bastards.

A .357,
for guaranteed head removal.

That's- That's a sweetie.

You got your standard-size .45...


That's a fuckin' hungry man right there.

And you got the king of mayhem.

Half cannon, sword of justice.

Take this fucker to the Holy Land,
start your own crusade.

Any one of these is bound
to make you feel better...

about what's bothering you.

What about that one?

This one?

All right.
I'll take this... and these.

That's three-fuckin'- grand
worth of killin'.

You got three grand worth
of killin' to do?

There's five.

Well, that makes you
a preferred customer.

I'm gonna give you some accessories...

just because you got a thing about you.

You have got a killing thing about you.

You surely do.

You the motherfucker after my son Billy?

He's your son?

That'd make you the motherfucker
killed Joe. That right?

You killed my youngest?

Now you're after Billy, yeah?

Yeah. I'm after him.

Well, Billy's no damn doin' of mine.

Anything he did's no damn doin' of mine.

So, somebody needs to make
somebody pay for something...

to make themselves feel better.

Billy'd be the one to pay.

Kill the little piss-pants.

See if it makes a damn day's
difference to me.

Dad to dad, don't tell me about it.

Just... go do it.

Lord knows I've been patient...

and you're a cash-fuckin'- customer.

But you think about
asking me where Billy is...

I'll kill ya.

Go your way now.

Go with God.

Bag full of guns.

Fuck! What the fuck? Who the fuck?

- Oh, my God.
- You?

We fuckin' killed you.
What the fuck?

Get the fuck out of here!

Where's Billy?

Fuck you.

You busted my tooth, you asshole!

- Tell me where the fuck he is!
- At the office.

The office. What the fuck is that?

It's the abandoned mental... hospital.

It's where we cook our shit, dude.

It's by the bridge on Stygian Street.

All right? Stygian Street.

Call him.

Good thing your daddy got you
some training wheels...

so you don't have to
roller blade over here...

for your fuckin' sister's heroin.

She's been a good customer of mine
for a while.

I've been a pretty great customer
of hers too!

Fuckin' prick.

Heco, you sandbaggin' son of a bitch!

This is the second time this week
I had to cover for your ass.

Billy. Billy!

That fucker didn't die, Billy.
That fucker didn't die, Billy!

What the fuck are you talking about?

He says you're sentenced.

So what?

- So this, motherfucker.
- No. No.

Well, what are we
fuckin' up tonight, son?

- What do you want now?

You look like you're in a fuckin' hurry.

You know how much I got
to wipe your fuckin' nose?

I gotta get some Fortune
500 faggot off my back...

by telling him he can fuckin' have you.

You think I enjoy that?

What you don't get is...

I care about what happens to you...

because it can fuckin' hurt me!

Now, do you need
any more fuckin' instructions-

No, thanks, Dad.
I'm taking the car.


What the fuck?



Hey, Dog!
Go fuckin'find him! Get out there now!

My leg!

Dog! No! You fuck!

I'm gonna kill you, you son of a bitch!

Shit! Shit!

I'll kill you, you bitch!

Get this motherfucker!

I got him. I got him. I got him.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Go! Get him! Go, go!

Aw, fuck!

Don't let him get away, man!

Fuck! Fuck!

- Motherfucker!
- Come on, come on.

- Come on, come on.
- Fuck.

Check it out.
Go that way, behind the fucker.

You know you're gonna die in here!

Look at you.

You look like one of us.

Look what I made you.


Any New Year's resolutions? Oh, God.

Five, four, three, two, one!

Happy New Year!

Your son.

He started moving.

I think he's gonna pull through.

And never brought to mind 

Special thanks to SergeiK.