Everybody Wants To Be Italian Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Everybody Wants To Be Italian script is here for all you fans of the indie comedy. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Everybody Wants To Be Italian quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Everybody Wants To Be Italian Script


This is the best, though,
right? This material?

- It's gotta be perfect.
- Slgnor Bianchi.

This is the most beautiful
suit in the world.

Can you have it ready by four?

Can you have it
ready by four or not?

- It's no problem.
- Sold.

All right, I'll see
you at four. Thank you.

We give him this suit. We
change it out. It's cheaper.

It's his size, all ready
to go, he never notices.

It's no big deal, OK?

How you doing? All
right? Nice to see you.


Beautiful, huh? You,
you're beautiful.

You're a lucky guy.

Hold this and don't leave.

Jackie, I can't
take your money.

That one.

Every year it's the same. You come in
here, buy a ring for your anniversary...

and the same thing happens.

It's a beautiful choice,
but it ain't cheap.

She deserves the best.

What's the matter with you?
That's an expensive ring.

Why don't you let my cousin
Frankie put a zlrconl on it?

I need this by four.

Kid, is this a joke?

By four?

What am I, a magician?

Get outta here!

What? Carla!

- It's my grandmother's lipstick!
- How you doing?

What's up, Jake?
How you doing? Carla!

- You've got time to...
- He's my friend. Carla, please!

- Take care of your friend!
- Carla, please!

- How you doing, Sean?
- How are you?

- All right. Mikey!
- Hey, Jake!

- How are you?
- How are you?

- All right. Hey, Bill, Paul! What's up?
- Jackie, how are you?

I'm all right. Good day
to be in love, you know?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Gimme the bar, would you?

I want flowers so beautiful that these look
like they were lifted off a street vendor.

- This'll take days, and you give me what?
- Two hours.

- No way.
- I need 'em by four.

- I don't care.
- 4:30, then.

- No.
- I gotta surprise her by five.

I am not gonna support
your foolishness.

Theresa, you know
I'm a loyal man...

but if not from you, I'll
get 'em from someone else.

You are a romantic fool.

And you make me want to
vomit, with this girl.

They'll be ready.

- Get outta here.
- Four o'clock.

Morning, fellas.

Nice of you to
show up, Princess.

- Not that we're busy or anything.
- What you got for me?

Cut the heads off these
for Slgnora Fiorentino.

I can't. I'll take the
register. No fish work today.

Oh, no. I got the register.

Uh-uh. It's the
19th of March, man.

- Are you out of your mind?
- Are you nuts?

What? What?

- Feels different.
- What?

Is this the suit I chose?

- What, you don't like it now?
- It looks good, it's just...

- It feels different, I don't know.
- Il slgnore looks fantastlco, huh?

Good. 'Cause this guy feels
beautiful, like the sun.

Isabella, I love you more
today than I loved you when...

I loved...

Isabella, you're more
beautiful to me than...

Your s... smell fresher...

That's ridiculous.

Hey! Mrs. Cordova.

How you been?

Always good...

I hate you, Mrs. Cordova.

Who is it?

It's your dad. Buzz me up.

You're not my dad!

How do you know? You ever
been genetically tested?

Go play with your brothers.

- Jake.
- Happy anniversary!

- I got something for you.
- Do we have to do this every year?

Come on. Let me up. This thing's
burning a hole in my pocket.

I miss you so much.
Just... I just wanna talk.

Jake. What the
hell are you doing?

- Yeah, what the hell are you doing?
- It's our anniversary.

You don't have an anniversary,
Jake. She dumped you.

- Eight years ago.
- Eight years ago!

It was a misunderstanding.
We'll work it out.

- A misunderstanding?
- I'm gonna get her back.

Jake, this is my
family. This is real.

This is between Isabella and
me. This doesn't concern you.

- She's my wife!
- She's my girlfriend!

- We're married.
- That's not my fault.

Yes, actually, it is.

Jake, please leave.

What did you expect, jackass?

Eight years. You got a serious
problem. Get over it, huh?

- She's my soulmate.
- Your soulmate with three kids.

- We've had our problems.
- I'd say.

- You cheated on her with her sister.
- And her best friend.

And her best friend,
in her parents' bedroom.

A unique opportunity. Like
you two wouldn't have done it.

If you're soulmates, you would have
considered it before you banged her sister.

- And her best friend.
- And her best friend.

In her parents' bed!
You disgraced their bed.

I'm a guy. It's...
it's not my fault.

Eight years. That's
psychotic. Literally.

I'm not psychotic,
Steve, I'm... I'm in pain.

- You know what Freud says?
- No, I don't.

Two and a half to
four years, tops.

Anything more is
clinically psychotic.

I know what you guys are trying
to do, OK? I appreciate it.

But Isabella is my soulmate.

Oh, bullshit! There's no
such thing as a soulmate.

You only want her because
you can't have her.

- That and she is a hot piece of ass.
- And I love her!

"And I love her! I love
her!" What a jackass.

So how come you
dumped her four times?

Because I... I needed time.

- You know what Freud says?
- I don't care what he says.

She's still my soulmate.

Listen. Soulmates are like
fish. They're everywhere.

People fall in love
because of proximity.

It has nothing to
do with the heavens.

There is a window in time when
any two people can get together.

Doesn't matter who they are.
It's who's around at what time.

But once that window closes...

Smash! Nothing. Nothing.


Freud said that?

Yeah, Freud said that.

Think I make this shit
up? It's wicked deep.

All right, listen.

You gotta get back in the
game. Change your bait.

- Get your rod back in the water.
- I'm still in the game.

I'm gonna get her back.

Miles! Come on, boy.


Uh-uh. You lose an animal?

Yeah. Cats don't
stray too far, though,

he should be around
here somewhere.

Actually, felines are
known to hunt for miles...

outside of their
own home territory.

There he is. Right there.

- See him?
- Oh, good.

I know what he wants.


- Thank you.
- No problem.

Give him a few minutes.
The smell is irresistible.

I'm almost finished
with my classes.

Taking night classes, you
know? Finish my degree.

- I'm not all about the fish, you know.
- Of course.


The study of the very
ill by the very odd.

Yeah, well...

So... so...

- Are you... are you involved?
- Depends on what you mean.

I mean, are you
involved with anyone?

Are you looking to have
a good time with someone?

Are you interested
in going on a date?

Yeah, I'm not really looking.

Oh, no, no, no, not for me!
I'm married, see, I got a ring.

It's for a friend of mine, a
kid who works here in the store.

Jackass can't seem to pull his
shit together to find a wife.

Yeah... I'm pretty busy.

Course. We're all busy.

I'm sorry.


Come on. Are you...
are you single or not?

- Technically, I'm single. But...
- Yes!

- Yes! Stay right here.
- No, no, I'm not really looking.

- Just stay there. Please!
- Oh, God.

Don't move!

Gianluca, come here. Come on.

- Thank you, but I've been seeing...
- Come on.

- Gianluca...

- What did I say?
- Oh, yeah. She's attractive.

- Yeah.
- I'd have to see her without clothes.

- Naturally.
- Excuse me?

- Hips are shapely. Childbearing.
- Sweet, huh?

- Would you turn round?
- No.

- Spin around.
- Let's see you.

- Wait, wait.
- She's perfect. Let's set 'em up.

- Are you available?
- No, not really.

He's wicked good-looking. Six feet
tall, abs like Michelangelo's David.

We'll bring him to the next
Italian singles party. Meet us.

- If you like what you see, you wink.
- And if you don't, you just leave.

- No obligation. He'll never know.
- Italian singles party?

- I don't think so. I'm not even...
- It's fun!

A bunch of Italians, singing and
dancing. What could be better?

Just hear me out.
A lot of food.

- Lot of food.
- Booze, dancing.

- Girls.
- And best yet, single Italian girls.

- What could be better?
- What could be better?

How about forks in my eyeballs?
Bamboo shoots under my fingernails.

- No, this bad idea. He's not Italian.
- Nobody's gonna know.

I don't want to pretend to be Italian
to hang out with a bunch of guys...

in gold chains and
half-unbuttoned shirts.

- What?
- You too good to be Italian?

- Everybody want to be Italian.
- I don't dance.

It's a party. You meet a few people,
listen to some Italian music...

come down to our level
and dance a little.

- I'm not Italian!
- Nobody's gonna know!

- Yes!
- Everybody want to be Italian.

- Come on.
- Listen to him.

Oh, Marisa!

Take you something to eat.
You no eat enough. Come on.

I'm sorry, I can't
tonight, but thank you.

But you too skinny.

Oh, you need a man.

Actually, that's why I'm here.

Do you know anything
about an Italian club?

Italian club?
The singles club?

- But you not Itallana!
- No, I know.

But I was invited
to meet a guy there.

An Italian? No, no, no.

You don't get mixed
up with an Italian.

42 years, I was
married to an Italian.

37 times, that bastard,
he cheat on me...

and that's just the
ones I know about.

But you loved him.


Si, of course. He
was my soulmate.

But you, you're not Italian.

And I tell you something.

Italian men never, never
marry a girl who's not Italian.

They play with you. Oh,
si, they like to do that.

And then they
break your heart.

No. You find yourself
a good Dane, or even...

an Irishman.

Oh, mannagg.

What I'd trade for that.

I know, I know.

- What about her?
- She's all right.

- She's all right?
- She's fine.

- What do you mean, just all right?
- Come on.

You prejudiced against the most
beautiful women in the world?

No, but I'm in
love, you know that.

- "Oh, I'm in love. "
- Look.

This right here,
this is all yours.

Steve and I, we're
married. You owe us this.

Oh, I owe you this?

I owe it to you to pick up
girls at an Italian singles bar?

- Absolutely.
- Just not my thing.

- Hey, hey.
- What about her?

- Oh, she just gave you a look.
- She's cute, yeah.

That was a definite nibble.

Set the hook and reel her in.

She's hot, I'll give you that,
but I'm not interested in her.

Stop staring at me.
Aren't you gonna...

- What the hell are you doing?
- You're a sea lion. Roar.

- Sea lions bark, idiot.
- Whatever.

That guldo stuff doesn't
work on hot chicks.


- She's coming.
- She's coming over here.

- Think of something to say.
- Were you whistling at me?

No, I... It was... my...

- I'm Marisa.
- Jake. How are you?

- Nice to meet you.
- Our friend's nervous.

I think you just melted
the lining in his underwear.

I didn't... Nothing...
My underwear's fine.

Oh, nicely said.

- Do you wanna have a seat?
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- OK.
- Yeah.

- At the bar? Otherwise, they'll continue.
- OK.

No, no. Just go
get her a drink.

Just put it on the card.
It's a company expense.

I'll take care of her.

- What do you think?
- You guys are too much.

But... he is...

- He's cute.
- Yeah.

- I'll give you that.
- He's smart.

- Funny.
- Very bright.

- Great sense of humor.
- Intelligent.

- OK.
- Loves children.

- Really?
- Loves kids.

- Great with them.
- Yeah.

- I like that.
- We did well.

I think we did.

Oh, here he comes.
Here he comes.

Hey, the prodigal son returns.

Jerk one, jerk two.

Thank you, I'll take
that as a compliment.

- To beauty.
- To beauty!

- Beauty.
- And the beasts.

So, I'm probably glad I
missed everything so far.

Why would you say that, Jake? We
were just talking about true love.

Marisa here, believe it or not,
does not believe in soulmates.

- She thinks it's bullshit.
- I didn't say that.

- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.

Yes, you did!

Don't listen to them. They're busting
on me 'cause I believe in true love.

Well, me too. And I happen
to believe in soulmates.

Oh, come on, that
is such a crock.

It is, 'cause at any given time,
any two people can get together.

They just have to know
that each other exists.

Life is never-ending chaos,
with people struggling to exist.

- Now, that's deep.
- Thank you.

- He knows psychology.
- I do.

Look, let me just put it
in simpler terms for you.

Simple being the
operative word.

Now, take you, for example.

- You're a hot piece of ass.
- Jeez.

So why aren't you selling underwear
in a Victoria's Secret catalogue?

- There's a point somewhere.
- I hope so.

- OK.
- It's because nobody knows you exist.

But the right pictures in
the right people's hands...

next thing, you've got 13-year-olds
jacking off all over the world.


Because now they
know you exist.

- I really apologize.
- Wow.

I thought there was a
point there somewhere.

No, I get it. I
mean, it makes sense.

It makes sense? Really?

- No, it doesn't.
- OK.

You know what? Let me
ask you a question. Why...

Why does a nice, attractive
girl like you come here...

to get hit on by
the likes of them?

I don't know.

Maybe I'm just trying to
figure out what men exist.

Well. Maybe she just came to find
a nice Italian man like Jake here.

They're not really my friends.


Ooh, I'm wounded. I am.

- So?
- So what?

- What happened?
- Let us live through you vicariously.

- She was sweet.
- Sweet? Chocolate's sweet!

This girl could knock the brass
off a doorknob with her smile!

Absolutely. What happened?

We had a nice
evening, you know?

We spent some time together,
we talked a bit, small talk.

- And then... we went home.
- You went home?

- You nailed her at her place?
- Nothing like that.

Come on. You didn't...

You did. You did, you
did, you did, didn't you?

No, I didn't, I didn't, I
didn't. I didn't do anything.

What do you want me to say?
We had a nice time. She's nice.

But I'm still in
love with Isabella.

OK. Listen.

Just, please, please tell me
that you got her phone number...

- so we can smack some sense into you.
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna cry, Pops.
- Unbelievable.

A man should cry.

I can't believe this. How
could you screw that up?

- Yes.
- You were so stupid!

Hi, guys.

- Hi.
- Hey, how you doing?

So, this is it, huh?

This is... this is it.
This is... fish heaven.

Anything you desire from the
eastern seaboard, we got it here.

- Aldo Tempesti.
- Hi. Marisa.


You forgot to
ask for my number.

So I thought I'd...

- Loser!
- The freakin' number!

- Just in case.
- Yeah, no, yeah. This is...

This is great. You... That's
pretty... pretty handwriting.

Thank you.


You know what? Let's just
close the deal right here.

I make his hours, so...

Oh, he's available tonight.

He's got tomorrow night
off. The whole week off.

- You can call me when you want.
- No. He didn't take your number.

It's out of his
hands. Tomorrow?

No, tomorrow night's
not really good for me.

- Stay out of this, would you?
- Actually, next week is better for me.

Next week. Tuesday's
looking real good for me.

I was... I was thinking,
maybe more Monday.

At around... I
don't know, seven...

- 7:30?
- 7:30.

- Monday.
- Monday.

Perfect. OK.

Monday it is.

- OK.
- All right.

- I'll see you then.
- See you then.

OK. Bye.

- Let me get that door for you.
- Thank you.


Thank you.

Thanks for coming in.

- Don't screw this up.
- I'm not gonna screw anything up.

Come on. Hey! You're all thinking
with your little men, huh?

This is a big, big mistake.

This is an Italian woman, and
Italian women have brothers.

Oh, it's all fun and games...

until somebody
loses a testicle!

That's not funny.

Tell you about my
cousin Luigi, eh?

- Yeah, cousin Eunuch.
- Ah! Cousin Eunuch, see?

- He make joke, now.
- Senza Cazzo, we call him.

Get to work. Asshole.

- I want candy.
- No candy.

- Candy apples.
- Aww, I want candy!

Yeah, and what else?

- Isabella!
- Oh, God.

Oh, my God, this is so weird.
What are you doing here?

- What am I doing here?
- Yeah.

- Stay away, Jake. I mean it.
- What? Come on.

It's the commons. I'm
just passing through.

Hey, you and me are soulmates.

I have kids, Jake,
and lots of 'em.

I love kids. Plus, the big
one's probably mine anyway.

Hey. Hey! What? Did you ever
have them genetically tested?

Unreal! You know,
you're unreal.

He was born 12 months
after we last did it.

So you say. I know. Whatever.

Come on. What's it gonna take?

Jake, please. Please let
me spare you your dignity.

But... I'm not gonna
take no for an answer.

- Excuse me, sweetie.
- I'm not!


What is wrong with your kids?

They don't like you, Jake.
Come on, boys. Get in.

- But...
- Good job.

I have a date on Monday night.

- Good for you.
- Wait...

Can I get a ride?

- Got a bar?
- Morning, John.

- Hey, Jake, how are you?
- All right.

- What's going on?
- I need about 50 pounds of haddock...

- Look out... pounds of mussels. Nice.

- All right, relax!
- Nice. See him do it?

- Beautiful.
- Nice skate.

Yeah. Think I dated a girl
looked like this, once.

- Thanks a lot, man.
- Your receipt.

- Have a good one.
- Take it easy.

I know what my boy Gianluca
tell you, but listen.

Women are sacred.

They need to be treated like
ladies, not passing cargo vessels.

- I know that, I got a good woman.
- A good woman?

A good woman is love.

Pure, true and breakable,
like Venetian glass.


Every daughter has a father.

And most have brothers
with sharp knives.

Hey. Somebody's getting
some tonight, huh?

Sure, man. Party's on tonight.

Take your camera tonight.

Do me some pictures.
With nipple.

- Jake, look at me.
- What?

- Promise you won't screw up.
- I'm not gonna...

- Promise?
- I promise!

I'm not gonna screw it up,
man. Do you want it in blood?

All right, look. Let's go over your
plan. You do have a plan, right?

I'm not gonna lay it out for you.
I'II... take her to dinner or something.

- Come on, dinner's obvious. Where?
- I don't know. La Trattoria.

What are you, retarded? You
can't take her to the North End.

- It's too Italian.
- That's the point, she's Italian.

No, no, take her
to my cousin Ennio.

He'll fix you up nice.

No, you can't take an Italian woman
to the North End for the first date.

That's like a priest taking a little
boy to an opera, it's too obvious.

Yeah. Forget Italian. You gotta
stay away from your ethnic roots.

I'm not taking
her for a kielbasa.

You're not a dumb Polack
anymore. You're Italian now.

I'm not gonna
pretend I'm Italian.

You better pretend,
and pretend good.

Look, an Italian can spot an
impostor a mile away. If they did...

- Could get your nuts chopped off.
- Come on. It's the 21st century.

Nobody'll get hurt.
It's a stereotype.

He's right. The
stereotype is bad.

Italian men are lovers.

Unless you mess with
their women, and then...

It's OK to take her to an Italian restaurant,
just not in the North End, all right?

And, you know, order for her.

Because the Italian women,
they love to be taken care of.

Freud says that a woman knows within
five minutes of sitting down to dinner...

if she's gonna
sleep with a guy.

Brings up, what do you
got in mind for dessert?


Well, one dessert, two forks.

- Don't screw up.
- I'm not gonna.

I'm telling you, if
you screw this up...

I'm not! I'm not
gonna screw it up!

- Hi.
- Hey.


- Should I go change?
- No.

No, you... you look fine.

I'm probably the one
who should go change.

- It's good to see you.
- Yeah. You too.

So, it's freezing.
Where's your car?

Actually, my truck smells like
fish, so we'll take the subway.

- Subway?
- Yeah, it's always more convenient.

You don't have to pay for
parking or anything. You know.

You look really beautiful.

Thank you.

First date.

I feel like I'm
back in high school.

Yeah, me too.

Why... What's so funny?

Nothing, I'm sorry.

Are you laughing at me?

- You are.
- I'm not, I promise.

- Washington Square.
- I promise.

- Yeah?
- Sorry.


I'm gonna tell you something.


Tell me.

It's kind of
embarrassing, a little bit.

Just tell me. I'm sure
I've heard it before.

This is nice.

And I don't wanna... I
don't wanna start anything

without being totally
honest with you.

I'm involved with
another woman.

Yeah, we... we've been together
for 12 years. On and off. Well...

Mostly off, lately, but...

I just... I thought
you should know.


Honesty's the best
policy, you know.

Yeah, I agree with you.


But if you want to tell me
anything, you know, you can...

Now's a good time.

I don't have
anything like that.

Where are we?

I'm sorry. You're upset, huh?

I'm fine. Surprised, maybe.

I just didn't wanna have
a nice evening together...

- and then have it get all awkward.
- Well, it's awkward.

- Have you been here before?
- No.

Don't worry. I know
what you're getting.

Buonasera. Can I start you
off with something to drink?

Maybe un belllsslmo, very
nice Barolo or Chianti.

I think we're ready to order.

The lady's gonna have
the calamari appetizer...

and the spinach and
mushroom penne pasta.

And can she get that with extra
oregano and a side of garlic?

- Garlic?
- It's good. It's really good.

As you wish, madam.

And for you, sir?

I have no idea. What's good?

Spaghettl all'amatrlclana.

The house favorite.

- That sounds perfect.
- You know what?

I think I'll have that too.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And to drink?

House Chianti.

Actually, I'm thinking
of something...

in a significantly
higher price range.

Maybe one of your Barolos.

- Wonderful choice, madam.
- Thank you.

That was interesting.

You saved enough
money, not parking.

Is this about my girlfriend?

'Cause she's cool with
this. She knows I'm here.

- She knows you're here?
- Yeah.

Just let it go. I've almost
completely forgotten about her.

Psychiatrists say you can tell
within the first five minutes...

of having dinner with someone
whether you're gonna have...

Whether... whether it's
gonna work out or not.

You can tell.

Do you have a lot of
experience with psychiatrists?

No. No! It's just, I hear
about 'em all day long...

'cause Steve, he's
studying to get his degree.

- Psychology.
- Yeah.

He's a college man.

So what do you do?

- I'm a doctor.
- Really?

- You're shitting me.
- No!

Huh. That's so
cool. What kind?

A veterinarian.

OK, so you're
not a real doctor.

No, I just mean, you know,
you work with animals.

It's not exactly humans,
that's all I'm saying.

It's cool. I
like it. I get it.

It's just, when I think
doctor, I think, you know...

heart attack on a plane,
"Is there a doctor on board?"

That kind of thing,
you know, it's so cool.

So you... And
you love animals.

Yeah, well, you know, I'm suspicious
of anyone who doesn't love animals.

Or children.

Well, there you go. That's...
We got that in common.

Really? You love animals?

Do I... do I love animals?

Yeah, of... I work
in a fish market.

I love kids too, I
think kids are great.

I got three of 'em.

Well, they're not
mine, technically.

- They're my girlfriend's.
- That's great.

- Here, I'll help you up.
- No. You know what? It's all right.

Let's not spend a nice evening
and then have it get all awkward.

You're not coming up.

No, of course, I
know, I know... that.

But I had a wonderful
time tonight, didn't you?

You told her what?

I knew you were gonna
screw it up. I knew it!

I didn't want her to find out I was
involved with someone and get disappointed.

Are you the biggest moron
of all time or just acting?

The date wasn't
going so hot, anyway.

She was sending mixed signals.
She was acting all disinterested.

That's exactly what I mean.
Mixed signals are clear signals.

And why the hell tell
her you have a girlfriend?

Which you don't. I mean,
this chick is the real deal.

I mean, she's wicked hot...

and she's a doctor!

She's... she's not really a
doctor. She's a veterinarian.

- Veterinarians go to medical school.
- In an animal hospital.

Not a hospital hospital.
She's not a real doctor.

So you would say I'm not a doctor
if I get my PhD in psychology?

Look, that's
sort of different.

You would be
dealing with humans.

She's dealing with animals.

Ain't a doctor.

Technically, I don't think
a psychologist is, either.

Technically, anyone
with a PhD is a doctor.

A doctor of philosophy. A
doctor of English literature.

- A doctor of fine arts.
- Hold up.

I'm with Jake. They're not
doctors. Those are bullshit doctors.

They shouldn't even be able
to put "Doctor" in their name.

Come on!

Chiropractors, huh?

Acupuncturists. Podiatrists.

They're not doctors!

So... I save lives...

by talking people out of...

By talking people out of throwing
themselves in the tracks at North Station...

or hurling their bodies off
an overpass onto the MassPike.

All day long, I'm
talking to them...

and I'm not a doctor to you?

No. But you could be.

If you go to medical school
and become a psychiatrist.

Psychologists, man, are just another
group trying to cheat the system.

You told him!

I'm sorry.

I'm sure Harvard Medical School
has evening classes you could take.

I don't need to be a doctor.

- Just figure I'm saving people's lives.
- Oh, no, you're saving people's lives.

That's what I'm trained to
do. I save people's lives.

- I'm a lifesaver. - You're
like a comic-book hero.

Can you save me a
bite of your sandwich?

Hello, Mrs. Cordova.

- Isabella!
- Hi, Mrs. Cordova.

- Hey.
- Go away.

Let's just go get
a coffee, please.

I just wanna talk.

I know the kids are gone.

- I'm not letting you in. Talk.
- Really?

You can't still be mad. I...

All right, five minutes.

Five minutes.

You look really pretty.

Don't you still
think about me at all?

Of course. You
call me every day.

Well, that's fair enough.

But, I mean, if I didn't...

would you still?

- I'm not gonna answer that.
- So you would?

- You would!
- Jake! Children.

- The eldest one's mine anyway.
- You are crazy.

Come back to me.

OK. Your ten minutes are up.

You gotta get outta here.

Yeah, I was about to
go anyway. I mean...

You don't have to kick
me out or anything.

I was... I was about
to leave anyway.

I wasn't gonna have
another coffee, you know.

Same time tomorrow?

- Hey, Papa. How are you?
- All right.

- There a holiday I don't know about?
- Banker's hours.

- Get your ass out here, we're busy.
- I'm here, I'm here.

- I saw her today!
- Treat your fleas?

Not her. Her.

- Oh. Isabella.
- Yeah.

- She made me a cappuccino.
- In her house?

All right. That's it. Jake,
I've had it with your shit.

Me and Steve, we bust
our asses around here.

You come and go as you
please, all hours of the day.

Jake, it's not fair.

I got no other option
here. I gotta fire you.

Fire me. You can't fire me.

- Well, I think I just did.
- I own this place.

Technically, yes.

But I promised your parents before
they died I would not let you...

- run it into the ground.
- Revenue's up 250% last quarter.

150% last year. I
think we're doing OK.

Stop chasing Isabella.

- Is that what this is about?
- Yes!

You know, call Marisa.

The one you told
you had a girlfriend?

- She hates me.
- Isabella hates you.

She still makes
you cappuccino.

Italian women, they need
to nurture their men.

- Tell her the truth...
- No, don't tell her the truth.

Tell her the truth and
she will come around.

I can't tell her anything.

She won't even
accept my calls.

Do you blame her?


- Who needs this, Eric?
- All right, buddy?

Oh, look at the happy couple.

Jakie B, what are you
doing with that fish?

Kiss your wife.

My fish.

He just...

He doesn't quite seem
up to it these days.

I was wondering if the
veterinarian could come out...

take a look at him.

I'm sorry, sir, but we
don't take care of fish.

Why? They're animals too.

They're animals, but
they're aquatic animals.

Marine animal doctors
take care of fish.

That's not our
doctor's specialty.


How much?

Huh? 20?

OK, you don't
like Mr. Jackson.

How about Benjamin?

Huh? Is the doctor around?

- Are you Michael?
- How's that?

Ah, this isn't about the fish.

Are you and the
doctor involved?

Is it that obvious?

Let me see what I can do.


I like your dog.


All of these are
good. Hey, smile.

Mommy, is that
man a pedophile?

Hey. Paparazzi.

Are you serious?

- You... you're not the...
- Bring your fish.

- On second thoughts...
- Now! I'm busy.

You're wasting my
time with your fishy.

What, are you too
good for a goldfish?

You look like a mobile
Chinese restaurant.

You got an anchovy pizza
you need some help with?

Hey, real cute.

Put your fish on
the examining table.

- You sit. Sit.
- Hey, look, I don't think we...

have to do this, I mean...

- Really...
- Sit!

How long's your fish
been acting weird?

I don't know. A couple
of days, I guess.

- Why didn't you bring him in sooner?
- I thought he'd pull through.

This is a pet fish, isn't
it? He could have died.

Look, I don't
want to be rude...

but do you think maybe I could
see the other veterinarian?

I think that might
be very helpful.

This is Sammy. He's got
respiratory distress.

The owner says he's been
lethargic and not acting himself.

OK, I got it. Thank you.

What are you doing?

Sammy's been acting
a little weird. I...

I think he might have
pinkeye or something.

This isn't a pet.

Sammy, don't listen to
anything this evil woman says.

OK. I see through
this. What do you want?

We had fun the other night.

Fine. I had a good
time the other night.

All right, I get the fact that you
want nothing to do with me, but...

Well, I really
enjoyed your company.

No, no, no, no. No. No.

What? Just because I'm
not sexually available...

we can't be friends?

- Friends?
- Yeah, friends.

Like, spend time with each other
because we like each other's company.

- And just be friends.
- Exactly.

- No, we can't.
- Why not?


- I'm 33 years old.
- No way.

My biological
clock is ticking.

I don't have time for friends.

So having friends somehow affects
your ability to have children?

- Yes.
- How? You gotta explain this to me.

When a man and a
woman are friends...

one of them always ends
up wanting the other one.

If neither is interested...

then there's no incentive for
the friendship in the first place.

What are you
doing Friday night?

- None of your business.
- So no plans?

- I have plans.
- No, you don't.

- You don't. What?
- Plans.

Yeah, now that's mature
for a 33-year-old.

You'd rather stay home
alone than make a friend.

Because you're sexually
attracted to me...

and I'm emotionally

- I have a date.
- Oh, yeah? Who is he?

- His name's Michael.
- There's no Michael.

No, really. I'm sort
of seeing him now.

Fine. I get the message.

Actually, you know what?

Leave Sammy here.


I'll give him back to you...

- Saturday?
- Saturday?

Are you asking
me out on a date?

Friends don't
date. They hang out.

But you told me to go out
with her in the first place.

Well, that was before
you told me she was 33.

- Don't go.
- She's 33.

Imagine your balls
in a vice grip.

That's what her ovaries are doing,
except they're screaming for sperm.

- Your sperm.
- It's not even gonna be a date.

It's gonna be... We're
gonna be hanging out.

- Like hanging out in high school?
- Yeah.

Like a guy and a girl
hanging out. People do that.

- No, they don't.
- Why not?

Because sooner or later, one of
them's gonna wanna swap some fluids.

Play some tonsil hockey.
She's 33! Walk away.

Well, hold on. It's not
like he's gonna marry her.

Exactly. I'm not
gonna marry the girl.

Just bang her a few
times. Then move on.

Lesson numero uno.
La salsa dl pomodoro.

No Italian man can resist
la salsa dl pomodoro.

Well, I wouldn't say he's a
man. He's more of a little boy.

A very good-looking
little boy...

But this is
friendship. Not love.

Hey. He and his girlfriend,
together, what, 12 years?

Not married, they not serious.

He's what you call fair game.

And the quickest way to a man's
heart is through the stomach.

- What if I don't wanna get to his...
- Oh, wait.

You want love Italian-style?

There is no
mercy, it is a war.

And the women
are the generals.

Go, go. Put that in the pan.

And the food! Food,
their greatest weapon, eh?

Stir! Stir it, or
it'll burn. Stir.

- Hey.
- Hi.

You're not dressed.

You still look
good, I mean, I...

I would still... Aren't
we... aren't we going out?

No, we're friends.
I made us dinner.

- Really?
- Come in.

- OK. These are for you.
- Thank you.

- How you doing?
- Hi. Oh, hi.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- Oh, wow, vinegar.
- Yeah, it's Italian.

- Interesting.
- This is not what I expected.

- How's that?
- You got the fluffy couch...

and the carpeted
floors, it's...

It's kind of American.

I expected more of that Italian
hot-blooded style, you know?

Clean lines everywhere.

This place looks more like
my grandmother's house.

Wow. You know exactly
what to say to the ladies.

- Shall we eat? Before it gets cold?
- Sure. Yeah.

- You need help with anything?
- No.

Sammy? You cooked my fish?

- He's cured. No more pinkeye.
- You cooked my pet?

- He wasn't your pet, Jake. -
We were on a first-name basis.

What if I'd
brought you a puppy?

I don't play games. I dumped
my first fiancé because he lied.

Yeah? What about
the second one?

He lied too, but
his was much bigger.

What did the first
one lie about?

He claimed he went to
undergrad at Harvard.

- And?
- He went to BU.

- Oh, no! Come on.
- He couldn't handle living in Boston...

and not being able to
call himself a Harvard man.

So you honestly...
You dumped the guy...

you were considering spending the
rest of your life with 'cause of that?

- Yeah.
- That's kind of harsh.

He was my fiancé. He
shouldn't be lying to me.

So, which one is he?

Oh, he's not up there. I
don't keep pictures of my exes.

There's not one
picture of your ex here?

No! Why keep pictures of people
that are no longer in your life?

I keep pictures of everybody,
just in case I never see 'em again.

But why would you care?

I don't know. For me,
once a relationship ends...

I don't ever look back.

So, what part of Italy
is your family from?

They're from the
north. From Palermo.

Palermo? Isn't...

Isn't Palermo in the
south, down by Sicily?

The northernmost part
of the... of the south.


They're very high... They
live in the mountains.

So, it's like... It's such
a small country, anyway.

Where do your parents...
Where are they from?

- I... I can't say.
- Why not?

- Were they in the Mafia?
- Are yours?

Yeah. Come on,
where are they from?

- Is it that important?
- Yeah, it's important.

- To an Italian, it's very important.
- They're from the north.


- I can't believe I just told you that.
- Oh, yeah. Big deal.

Your secret's out. Maybe you'll
have to kill me, now, right?

- I might have to.
- Yeah.

All right, so...

I mean, so you spend weeks...

or even months of your life
committed to someone, and then, what?

Like... They just...

They're erased, like
they never existed?

You're a past-dweller.

Fine, if holding on to memories
makes me a past-dweller...

- then I'm a past-dweller.
- There's only three choices.

Past, present and future.

So where does that leave us?

You have a girlfriend.

I need to know your level of
commitment to this relationship.

None! There is
no relationship.

I'm being serious, now.

Seriously, I need to know.

You do know. There is none.

I think I might
have found someone.

That's great. I'm
happy for you, Jake.

She knows about us.

And I told her, don't
worry, I told her.

But... It's just...

I don't know, she's...
she's different.

She doesn't have big boobs
and look like a supermodel?

No, no, she's got
those qualities.

But it's just...

There's something about
her, I don't know, she's...

She's kind of cool.

Run through the
wild with her, Jake.

Make love to her
in exotic places.

You're free.

There is no us.

You keep saying that, but
I just want you to know...

that once I'm
gone, it's forever.

Your pictures come off
the wall, hers go up.

I'm not a
past-dweller, you know.

My timing's off, I'm gonna run
ahead and do some sprint work.

- I'll meet you at the bridge.
- No, I'm coming.

- No, Jake, I can't run this slowly.
- I'm coming.

- I'm coming.
- Forget it.

Good run, huh?

Feels good?

What are you doing,
running off like that?

You're a woman,
you're gonna...

gonna get raped or
killed or something.

No, I could outrun them. You're the
one that's going to be somebody's bitch.

I'm just saying that
it's dangerous, all right?

Competitive, aren't we?

Whatever, Flo-Jo.

- Wow, you look good.
- Thank you.

The fish looks great.


- You got him?
- Yeah.

- He's cute, right?
- Is this what you want?

What, this?

- This as in a lobster?
- No, this as in your dreams.

I don't even know if I could
answer that if I wanted to.

I just kind of take every
day as it comes, you know?

I'm a present-dweller.

- Well, the days are coming fast.
- Yeah?

- Soon there won't be any more.
- Honestly?

I never thought that
much about my dreams.

I guess my dreams
just kind of found me.

All right.

Well, the
Napoleonic complex...

it comes from Napoleon
denying that he was Italian.

He was pretending
to be French.

He forgot, you know, that he
was a lover and not a fighter.

That is why, to this day, my
cousin Pepino in the bakery...

will not sell napoleons.

What... what does that
have to do with women?

Ah, everything has
to do with women.

An Italian woman...

they will cook for you, clean,
iron, take care of the kids...

but it is the man's job...

to make her want to do
those things for him.

- I think I can handle that.
- Sure, sure.

You make her feel special...

you make her
feel like a woman.

Like the song, you know.

It is the man's job to work...

to protect la famlglla...

to make decisions,
to pay the bills...

the mortgage,
everything, tutto.

But it is the woman's job...

to make the man want to do
all these things for her.

- Caplscl?
- Yeah, but I can cover my share of bills.

No, no, no, no, no.
You're Italian now.

Remember, it is
the little things...

between the man and the
woman that count, eh?

- Gimme something about him.
- No.

- Tell me something.
- You don't want to hear it.

Yes, I do. If we're
going to be friends...

then I get to hear about him and
I get to spew forth my advice.

- My simple but profound advice.
- No, it just feels wrong...

talking about, you know,
such intimate things with you.

Pretend I'm a homo.

A gay man, OK?
I'm just saying...

that way it'll just roll
off of me, I won't care.

- Come on.
- I... OK. OK.

- You asked for it.
- I asked for it.

- I don't mean to complain...
- But...

But he's kind of boring.

- Boring how?
- Yeah, I mean...

- if I'm dating a guy...
- Right.

...he's gotta be a step up from my
vibrator, because that's a sure thing.

You know, I mean, it's not like I
need a new, crazy idea every time...

but come on, mix
it up a little!

Throw on an occasional video.

Throw it on.

I know.

I gave him some
of my best DVDs.

I don't think he's watched
a single one of them.

For example...

the other night,

we were doing
it doggy-style...

on the washing machine.

And I slapped him, and...

She did what?

All right, you might
wanna rethink this.

Just ask yourself, what
would a fisherman do?

She's out of my comfort zone.

- I would say.
- Yeah.

Yeah, that is...

Here she is.

I had a break. Thought
I'd stop by and say hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Dr. Costa.

- How you doing?
- So...

Wow. You know
what? If you guys...

If you cleaned up
some of these boxes...

Gianluca, Gianluca.

- I got a system there.
- Well, clearly not one that's working.

Jake. Do something
about this, will you?

You need a woman's touch.

Don't you have any
animals to heal?

- Some sick puppies...
- Come on. You guys can help.

No, no, no, it's... it's
not in our contract...

We... we only do a
half-hour clean-up a day...

it's... it's union rules.

- It's union rules.
- Only, yeah.

Jake, take care of this.
We're gonna get a beer.


They... He really does
have a system, it works...

- Work...
pretty well.

Nobody's gonna spend
this much for fish.

People wanna pay more. It makes
them feel like the quality's better.

- Spoken like a true woman.
- No, it's all about presentation.

If your fish look clean,
the sales will soar.

I promise.

What happened?

This is a disaster.

What the hell is this?
We selling lemonade now?

You've straightened
my pictures.

It's clean. It's just a
little bit cleaner, that's all.

What do you mean, it's clean?
It's like an operating room.

You cleaned my floor.

You could eat off this
floor. This is awful.

- It's a disaster.
- It's wonderful.

It was her idea.

So you're coming
this weekend...

- to the faculty dinner with me.
- You serious? No.

- Yes.
- No, I do not wanna go to a faculty dinner.

You have to. It's
friendship duties.

- Intelligent people bore me.
- Oh, my God.

Jake, don't start
with me. You're coming.

- OK, Mom.
- Excuse me?

- You sound like my mother.
- Well, you sound like a child.

- You're a child.
- My God.

Is your family
still in Palermo?



Actually, my... my
parents are dead.

- Shut up, Jake.
- Seriously.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

- It's OK. I know you didn't know.
- Wow. I...

They... they died
during my senior year.

- I'm sorry.
- It's OK.

You know, I loved my family
when they were around.

It was great. My old man,
he was something else.

He was such a character.

- You want kids?
- I don't know.

- I'd make a terrible father.
- No, you wouldn't.

Trust me, kids aren't for me.

I have a friend who's got three
children, and she's always...

That's your girlfriend,
Jake. Not your friend.

The point is, kids messed
up her whole life...

and now she's stuck in a marriage
that she doesn't want to be in.

Wait. Your
girlfriend's married?


Well, I knew her before
she was married, though.

She's been in love
with me all along.

Are you in love with her?

Thank you, Mrs. Vianelli.

You. You're slacking off.

I'd fire you if I could.

- You got a minute?
- Yeah, sure.

- Right now?
- Absolutely.

- Would you take over for me, please?
- Oh, sure.

What's up?

- Things good?
- Yeah, thing are good.

Classes are good, and...

- Yeah, classes are good.
- Learning a lot of new stuff?

What the hell do you want?

How much would it cost?

How much would what cost?

- Counseling.
- Counseling?

Yes. What are you, a parrot?
Gotta repeat everything I say?


Look, you're almost a
psychologist now, right?

So... how much
would a session cost?

You want me to be
your psychologist?

Yes! But...

we can't tell anybody.

Of course not.

I'm a professional.

But, you know...

Jeez, Jake.

- You're my boss.
- I know.

And that's why we gotta
keep this between us, OK?

Very professional, just...

You treat me just
like any other patient.

OK, but I'd have to
charge you $20 an hour.

- $20 an hour?
- Yeah.

I pay you twice that in the market!
You go to school to make less money?

- It's not all about money, Jake.
- I'm just saying,

- you use your education just to...
- OK. All right. 40.

40. All right? You
want the session or not?

- I think so.
- Good.

- Think so.
- All right. When do you want it?

- Well, when's good for you?
- I don't know.

- Now?
- Now works.

- Now works.
- I could...

- Now?
- I can do... Yeah.

- OK.
- OK.

- So, what do we...
- Why don't you have a seat?

And I'll have a seat,
and... we can start.

- OK.
- I don't like this.

- Why don't we switch?
- I don't...

Get over here.
See, this is better.


That's good. Now...

Like that. All right.

Here we are.


Mr. Bianchi.

Tell me how your
troubles began.

Do we really have to act like
this? We're in a fish market.

Yes! You want a professional
working relationship.

Please answer the questions.

She's six years
older than me, and...

- She?
- Marisa, jackass.

- Marisa?
- Am I really paying you $40 an hour...

just to repeat
everything I say, Steve?

50. And I'll charge you even more
if you keep on being difficult.

- That's what doctors do.
- Psychologists aren't doctors.


If she is indeed six years
older than you, Mr. Bianchi,

I suggest to you, in the
vernacular, that you dump her.

- What?
- See, this... this woman...

was playing tonsil hockey
in the playground of life...

while you were a
mere spermatozoa...

- in your father's scrotal sac.
- Look, Steve, I'm in a bind here, man.

I got an entire relationship,
everything's based on lies.

- I see, Mr. Bianchi.
- Bianski.

- I'm not Italian.
- Coulda had me fooled.

And I'm not even in a real
relationship with Isabella.

Now, finally, we're
getting somewhere.

Not a meaningful relationship
with Isabella. But...

If I'm gonna make this work with
her, I gotta tell her the truth.

No! Absolutely not.

The truth never helps anyone.

See, relationships are delicate enough
without the truth messing things up.

You see, the truth is
like pure oxygen, hm?

It can kill you. It's gotta
be mixed in with other things.

What? Am I... Am I really
paying you for this advice?

If you love someone,
embrace them.

And if the truth
helps, well, flaunt it.

If it doesn't, avoid
the truth like a plague,

like a pestilence that should
be driven from the valley.

The valley.

Fathers and sons, they say
horrible things to one another...

that should never be repeated.

Most of them truthful.

But what's important
is how they feel.

That's what counts.

You learnt all
this stuff studying?

Come on, Jake, you don't get
this shit out of a textbook, hm?

This is life, man. Life!

And yours truly has lived it.

'Scuse me, ladies.

Look. Before I forget...

I need to get off early
tonight, I got plans.

Well, you're the boss.

I'm going to the community college
to sign up for some evening classes.

- English literature.
- You gotta be kidding me. You too?

Hey, I'm not gonna spend my
whole life in this fish market.

- I got dreams too.
- English literature?

You love fish.

Whatever, man. Go study
Shakespeare. I don't care.

I always knew you had a thing
for guys in tights anyway.

Yeah. Well, thanks
for the support.

You got it.

She's taking me to
her faculty dinner.

Don't go. Intellectuals, though
I count myself among them...

are very cliquey if
you're not on their level.

Jake. You should have at least
had some good years of sex...

before this bullshit started.

I mean, at a minimum, you
should have seen her nipples.


- You can't wear that.
- Why not?

Because you can't
wear khaki to a formal.

- Let me just... Can I...
- Whoa.

If you don't want to take me
as I am, why not take Michael?

Because I wanna take you.
Now just look nice for me.

Here. Try this on.

No. I can't wear that.

OK. What about this one?

No! None of these.

- Why do you want a suit...
- This is... Let me just see.

- That looks good.
- Yeah.

What's this?


- Wow.
- Oh, yeah. These are my...

my anniversary suits.

If you really love someone...

they don't need
something like this.

All right. Why don't you
tell me what you can wear?

This? Well, if it's
good enough for me...

it's good enough
for Ivy League snobs.

They're not snobs.
They're intellectuals.

Intellectuals bore me.

I won't have anything
to talk about with them.

You're gonna have a
good time, I promise.

Yeah, we do all our neutering
by laser now. We love it.

- What about spaying?
- Spaying's a little tricky.

I think you still need the
human touch for that one.

Tonight's a very
special night.

I am happy to present...

this year's Vets Without Borders
Award for Excellence in Research...

to Dr. Marisa Costa...

for her outstanding work
with the Italian greyhound.

Careful, people.
She's showing you up.

So, here's to Dr. Costa...

one of our most
cherished colleagues...

and her pursuit of knowledge.

You were getting an award
and you didn't tell me?

You don't ask about my work.

It's not just an award.

It's a grant. A
$500,000 endowment.

Not bad for four years
out of veterinarian school.

That's what I mean. $500,000,
you're not gonna tell me that?

- You wouldn't have come.
- I would have come.

What is it you do, Jack?

- I work in a fish market.
- A fish market?

- You sell fish?
- He's being modest.

He owns it.

So you're a businessman.

Of sorts, yeah.

Speaking of business,
Susan got a promotion.

- She got tenure at the university.
- Congratulations.

- Excellent.
- And a pretty nice pay raise.

85,000 a year.

That's it?

I'm... I'm just
saying, I mean...

You're a professor.
That's all you make?

That's actually a
very good salary.

- How do you live?
- Excuse me?

I just mean... I pay that
out in a bad year, so...

Wait a minute. A
fishmonger makes 85,000?


- Really?
- It's good to be a monger.

The goal of North
End Fisheries...

is to consistently increase
our annual profit margin.

I just recently raised
prices in the shop.

People will spend more, because they
feel they're getting a better product.

As long as I keep
my costs down...

my revenues are out of
the red and into the green.

- Yeah.
- Theoretically...

let's say you had some
inside information...

from a certain
veterinary researcher...

about a new strain
of avian flu...

that had the potential to kill
off the entire feline population.

How could I make
money off that?

Well, I guess, in that...
horrendous scenario...

you could make
a small fortune...

short-selling pet supply
manufacturing companies...

and at the same time investing in
companies that produce pet... coffins.

Anyway, guys, I
hope it was helpful.

I don't know, I just figured, you know, if
you're smart enough to get into Harvard...

you might as well be financially
smart enough to pay for it.

You really think that guy's gonna
call me in to be a guest lecturer?

Probably. He loved you.

Oh, man. Me, the high-school
dropout, a college lecturer?

It would be so freaking cool.

You think they were
just humoring me?

Like I really just stuck out, like
a hooker at a convent or something?

That's your
baggage, not theirs.

Why are you so upset?

I'm not upset, it's just...

- You know.
- No.

- What's up?
- It was my night.

But I was eclipsed, and
not even by my boyfriend.

- Come here.
- No.

If I'm gonna be

I would at least like
it to be by someone...

who basks in me when
I get home at night.


- Good night.
- Good night?





Can you buzz me up?

You need a slumber party.

I was thinking more of
an adult slumber party.


Adult slumber parties
aren't as much fun.

You just gonna stand there,
or are you gonna come help me?


You see that line over there?

The one that
represents friendship.

I think it's safe to say
that we've crossed that one.

- You know what Freud says?
- Yeah.

He'd say I'd rather be
making out with my mom.


Beautiful day. Beautiful day!

- How you doing?
- So.

- So?
- How's the therapy going? Eh?

I'm not... I'm not in therapy.

Why would you even say
something like that?

Is Steve. He tell
us all about your...


But don't worry.

Your secret is safe with me.

He told you that?

You know, you need
it for some time now.

Ah, Marisa! Buonglorno.

You've got the glow!

Oh, believe me,
there's no glow.

It's more of a flame.

I don't care. Most historians
would disagree with you.

I don't care what
most historians say.

I lived through it.

And I am telling you...

Italy was never
part of the Axis.

- Yes, they were.
- No!

They were not.

Is this before
or after the war?

Before or after! The Italian people
were always part of the Allies.

- What?
- As for Mussolini himself...

That's another story.

Are you shitting me?

Is Jake here? I
need to speak to him.

- What the hell do you want?
- Look, I just need some help. Please?

- It's not gonna happen.
- No way.

Oh, God. It's been eight
years. You still can't be mad.

Time heals most wounds, but
Jake is like a homophiliac...

- No, no. Hemophiliac.
- Yeah, hemophiliac.

He... he still bleeds.

Yeah, well, he doesn't
have to bleed anymore.

'Cause I'm back.

She's what?

It took you eight
years to realize this?

Look, I'm sorry that I
was slower than you, but...

I'm here now.

If you want me.

Just help me!

Maybe this wasn't
such a good idea, huh?

No. Are you kidding me?

This... this is...

This is the best
day of my life. I...

This is what I've been
dreaming of, right?

- You don't act like it.
- I don't know.

You guys, you showed
up so unexpectedly...

I just wasn't sure
what to do, that's all.

Well, be excited.

This is what you and I
have always wanted, right?

Yeah, no, I know. I know.

This... this is all good.

We're soulmates, so...

Hey, sweetie.

You gonna play?

- So, how's it going?
- Yeah.

No, it's great,
you know? It's...

It's everything I've
been dreaming of, so...

- It's good, yeah.
- Is it?

Do you want my professional
opinion or my honest opinion?

- Which one's more important?
- Oh, they both are.

- Then give me both.
- OK.

- Professional opinion first?
- I don't care. Just give me one.

Well, let's see. My
professional opinion is...

that you get the heck outta
town, you get into your truck...

move to another state and don't
tell anybody where you're going, now.

- Come on, man, I'm being serious here.
- So am I!

Her husband's gonna kill you.

He is. He's Italian, you know.

You know what? If you're just gonna
stand out there and listen anyway...

why don't you just come in, pull up
a chair and join my therapy session?

You asked.

Hey, Pop. Get the
counter, will you?

- It's fine, I left a note.
- Him too?

He's gonna tell me everything
anyway, so, save time.

I ask you as a friend, Jake,
don't pull us into this.

Your life is shit.

How are you gonna
keep any clients?

How are you gonna
keep your balls?

Is this a meeting of minds?

Yeah, something like that.

Hi, boys.


- How you doing?
- Hey, Jake.

What's up?

- What are these?
- They're just... They're some...

Fish tags.

- Did the Girl Scouts write these?
- No, they're...

- Like he said, they're fish tags.
- You see, this is a fish market.

- Is it really? Thank you.
- Yes.

Well, we're gonna go for
a walk. You wanna come?

Yeah, I'll be right there. I'm just
gonna... take a minute with these guys.

- I'll meet you outside, OK?
- OK.

Go on.

See you, boys.

Yeah. Whatever. Keep in touch.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

I know a guy, he
makes problems go away.

- Your kind of problem.
- Yeah, Frankie the jeweler's cousin.

You're never gonna
know what happened.

You just know...

she don't come back.

- You got it!
- Hey.

They hate me.

No... Yeah, they
do. They really do.

- Do you hate me?
- No, I don't hate you.

Hey! You!

Isabella, this is Marisa.

Marisa, Isabella.

You're Marisa?

I've heard so much about you.

I... I'm gonna... You just...


Marisa! Marisa!

Come on!



How are you so fast?

Oh, what a tangled
up web we weave...

When first we
practice to deceive...

- Like the song says.
- It's not a song, it's Shakespeare, papa.

- Huh?
- No, that's not.

It's Sir Walter Scott.

No, forget the poetry.

Because right now, you
got an opportunity...

to exploit Marisa's
latent lesbian side.

Now, maybe you invite Isabella to
join you two in a little ménage, hm?

- A bit like a mini scrum!
- Yeah, no, just... just like a scrum.

That's my boy.

Yeah. It's a good idea.

What... Oh, no.

We already fixed
your fish. Sir!

- It's my son, OK?
- Your son?

- Just...
- No, I have to...

- My acquaintance's son, and I gotta...
- Sir!

His pet is gonna die
if we don't hurry up.

- Your antics aren't gonna work.
- They're not antics.

I swear... We just... We
needed you to help Chuckie.

Jake, these rodents
carry diseases.

Honey, honey, can I have this?

- Can I take this?
- It's OK.

Just let me look at it
real quick, OK, honey?

- She's gonna help Chuckie, all right?
- Thank you.

- She's gonna help fix Chuckie.
- Yeah.

All right?

My God! What are you...

What is wrong with
veterinary caution?


There you go. There you go.

Can I talk to you a minute?

What, you can't just throw
a kid's pet in the trash can.

- What kind of mother will you be?
- At this rate, I won't be one at all.

But that rat is dead.

Then I need you to, like,
cardiovert it, or something.

- What part of "dead" did you miss?
- Just fix it!

OK? Switch it with another
one, he'll never know.

This is not a pet store,
it's a doctor's office.

Well, it's a veterinarian's
office, but...

What's this about?

It's about a...
a kid and his pet.

- And that's it?
- Yeah.

- That's it.
- You knew it was dead.

But you came here anyway.

It's an excuse, Jake, it...

You really think that I would use a
kid's tragedy as my own personal gain?

- Yeah.
- Wh...

You do look nice. That the
sweater that I bought you?

- Get out of my office.
- Why are you so pissed?

I told you that I had a
girlfriend from the beginning.

I thought we
crossed that line.

Get out, Jake. Out. I mean it.

You knew that we
were only friends.

Yeah, well, you know what? Maybe
I just didn't wanna believe it.

Hey, buddy.

I'll buy you a new Chuckie.


Let me speak to my
wife, you son of a bitch.

It's for you.

I tried. She doesn't
wanna talk to you.

When I'm through with you...

your balls are gonna be floating
in a Tupperware container.

OK, just wait there a minute.
Hold on. I'll be right down.


You know what your
problem is, man?

You don't understand women.

You don't.

You know, you gotta
make 'em feel special...

like, romance 'em and stuff.

Buy 'em presents.
Women love presents.

She's my wife.

Not getting anywhere
with that attitude.

They wanna feel like they're the
only person in the world, man.

You know, like they're wanted.

I'm serious. You tell
a woman one nice thing...

you can be banging
her in no time.

I don't wanna "bang" anyone.

I want my family back.

Hello? Am I talking
to myself here?

I want you to have
'em back too, man.

I got a room full of kids
upstairs, you kiddin' me?

But you gotta win
her back from me.

Otherwise, she's not
gonna respect you.

If you didn't want her, then
why did you destroy my family?

Des... Come on. It's just...

You know, people always
want what they can't have.

The grass is always greener on
the other side, that sort of thing.

You're gonna get
her back from me.

You just gotta chase her.
They love being chased.

It's what they want.
It's not so hard.

You're an asshole. You
don't deserve Isabella.

- I know.
- Or any other woman, for that matter.

Oh, I know.

Another beer?

Does the Pope
shit in the woods?


Marisa! Answer the door! I know
you wanna talk to me too. It's...

Shut your piehole down
there, we're trying to sleep!

- Piss off, Blondie.
- Honey, get over here.

- There's a crazy person at the window.
- I know, man.

- I'm not coming down.
- Just...

- Hey!
- I need to talk to you.

- Then talk.
- Sweetie, call the cops.

- I think it's gonna fall off.
- What?

- My cock! My johnson!
- I'll cut your cock off.

- Jake, stop it.
- I did what you said.

I... I stopped having sex
with the sheep, and then the...

- The chickens got jealous.
- Please stop it.

- Get the hell outta here!
- Let... Come on, a little bit.

- It's nothing weird or anything, just...
- Jake!

- I like to have sex with farm animals!
- Shut up down there!

- Shut up! Shut up!
- You introduced me to 'em.

Is it so wrong? Is it?

- Veterinarian Marisa Costa?
- Oh, my God.

- Apartment 302?
- Come in.

You drunken bum!


There's nothing you can
say that I wanna hear, Jake.

OK, fine, maybe... maybe not.

But... there's something
I have to tell you.

Go for it.

I'm not Italian.

Go home, Jake. You're drunk.

You're drunk.


I'm Polish.

I'm watching you, creep.

Hey, buddy.

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!
- Turn it off!

What are you...
what are you doing?

- What?
- Mario told me everything.

I'm leaving you,
Jake. In the morning.

Then what the hell are
you still doing in my bed?

I didn't wanna wake the kids.

Oh, this is just great.

- You read this?
- Old Man And The Sea?

Yeah, it's awesome.

That's it. I'm turning gay.

From here on out,
it's dick for me.

- It's genetic. It's not your choice.
- Not true. Not true.

Freud says there's
a sexual continuum.

Freud's not always right. Pursuit
of sausage, it's definitely genetic.

Enough! OK?

Oh, do we need to explore anger
management in our next session?

I can't deal with you today.
You've both gotta go. Get out!

- Out. Out!
- Hey, Jake.

- What?
- I'll set you up with my cousin.

- He loves a braclola.
- What?

What are you doing? What is
he doing? Where are you going?

Should have done
this a long time ago.

- What are you...
- It's for your own good.

- Huh?
- Anger is a desperate cry for help.

- Get out. Out!
- It is!

- Out!
- OK. All right, all right.

Don't push.

What don't you understand?

She's not here.


- You can't be here.
- I'm not leaving till I see her.

Then you will shrivel
up and die waiting.

Hey. Stalker boy!

It's time to go.

I told you I'm not
leaving until I see her.

You can't see her.
She's not here.

She went to Italy.
Vets Without Borders?

I've been here all day long.

Why didn't you say something?

We did!

She's my soulmate.

There's no such
thing as a soulmate.

You only want her 'cause
you can't have her.

When you met this broad,
you denied the window.

- Now you're stuck on the other side.
- I love her.

If you love her, how
come you banged Isabella?

- I didn't bang Isabella.
- Yeah, but you would have.

You just didn't have enough
time. It's transferring.


You desperately cling to
relationships that don't work,

in order to hold on
to your dead parents.

Oh, now this is
about my parents.


It has nothing to do with feelings,
or... or concern over finding a soulmate?

Isabella is a
literal metaphor.

There's no such thing
as a literal metaphor.

She's a simile.

Mr. Walt Whitman here
takes three night classes,

all of a sudden, he's a
doctor of English literature.

- Huh?
- Look. Isabella represents your parents.

Marisa is letting go and
accepting their deaths.

Oh, that's deep. You learn
that at night school too?

You don't need night school for that.
Try second grade. It's basic stuff.

Oh, basic stuff? It's only the basis
of modern psychoanalytic theory.

If you're calling
Freud a second-grader.

You know what? If Freud's
theories are based on similes...

- then I guess I'm calling him that.
- Freud was full of shit. How about that?

- The first stage is anger.
- I'm not angry, Steve.

Then denial.

You know, when I was your age,
they didn't have airplanes.

They've had airplanes
since the 1920s.

Commercial airplanes, been
around since the 1920s.

Details, details. If you
want Marisa, fly to her.

Fly! You know,
like the song says.

- What song?
- If they wrote one.

She's my soulmate.

They don't have
air-conditioning in Italy.

I don't know why, maybe
they got it from the Greeks.

So, you gotta take some
newspaper, dip it in water,

wrap it around to keep
it moist and fresh.

Got it?

Now, Francesca will
take care of everything.

- But don't screw this up.
- I won't screw it up.

- I like this girl.
- I do too.

And I want you to
come back with this.

- OK. All right.
- OK?

I'll kill you if you don't.

It's a beautiful ring.

Jackie, do me a favor.

Take this for Frankie, and...

load it up with a lot
of costume jewelry...

so the customs'll
never know, OK?

- Go ahead. Thank you.
- Yeah.

My cousin there,
he'll take care of you.

Alessandro has the finest
fabrics in all the world.

Except for here. The cut...

All right. Thanks, Silvano.


Do-a you-a
speak-a English?

- Slgnor Bianchi.
- Yeah!

Hi. Jake. How you doing?

You-a Aunt-a

said you could-a
help-a me out.


You speak English?

You speak, like, a
little bit of English?

A little.

I need to find a guest.

Veterinarian Marisa Costa?

Si, abblamo una
Dottoressa Costa.

No, no. No, no è una
dottoressa. È una veterlnarla.

No. È una Dottoressa.
Dottoressa Costa. Spagnola.

No, no, uh, veterlnarla
Costa. Itallana.

No, non è Itallana.
È spagnola.

La Dottoressa
Costa è spagnola.

She's Italian. I
know she's Italian.

She told me she's Italian.

So, there you go.

Dottoressa Costa. Spagnola.

I need a room next to hers.

I... I need a...
I need a... To sl...

Sleep, dormlre... next to her
room. I wanna be her neighbor.

Perfect. How many nights, sir?

Marisa, I know I was a jerk.

And I'm sorry.

But... I love you so much.

And I wanna spend the
rest of my life with you.

Besides, you lied too.

You're Spanish.

Don't say that, Jake. Don't.


Hey. Can I help you?

Yeah. I was... I
was looking for my...

For my...

Do you... do you
have any shampoo?

- Shampoo?
- Yeah.

- Yeah. Yeah. Hold on.
- OK.

- There you go. It's my girlfriend's.
- Yeah.

- Your girlfriend's.
- Yeah.

Yeah, so's the robe.

You know, just keep it. I'll
tell her the maid took it.

OK. Bye-bye.

You know what I would
love to do tomorrow?

- Let's... let's go for a hike.
- I can't, I have to work.

I have to be up at, like, six.


Well, you know what?
Let's go get some gelato.

- Gelato?
- Right now. Come on.

- Really? They got cable.
- I know.

- The cable here?
- Yeah.

- Three channels.
- I know, but...

Did you see the
German one? I'm sorry.


This is Michael.

Michael, this is Jake.

- Jake... Boston Jake?
- Michael?

- Hey. I've heard a lot about you.
- I thought he was limp in the sack.

- I'm sorry. What?
- That's what I heard.


Will you marry me?

No! No, get up.

Come on. This thing's
burning a hole in my pocket.

- I thought you two were just friends.
- We are.

I miss you so much.

I just wanna be with you.

Hey, she said no, so...

if you don't mind,
could you leave us alone?

It's our anniversary.

Two weeks ago this very
day, I gave her an orgasm...

that you couldn't possibly
touch with a vibrator.

Enough, Jake. Seriously.

You're kidding, right?


This is between Marisa and
me. This doesn't concern you.

You mess with my woman?

Will you marry me?

Get up.

- Come on. Get up. Up, up, up!
- What?

Get up.

You messed with my woman.

I'm gonna kill you. Yeah, and then
I'm gonna cut off your balls...

and I'm gonna
have 'em bronzed.

What... what's with the balls?

- I mean, you Italian guys.
- You got a Greek complex?

- Greek complex. That's good.
- Oh, no.

- Rearrange your furniture.
- I like your peach shirt.

Oh, you like
peach? Look at you.

Where are you going?
You're running in circles.

- I can do this all night.
- You can't.

You asked me if I had a dream.

You're my dream. I love you.

No, Michael, don't hurt him.

You want a hug?

- Marisa.
- Good morning.

Where am I?

Are you OK?

Did I win?

Yeah. You won.

Now get up.

You get up.

We're going for a run.

No way.

I can't take
another ass-kicking.

You don't have to humor me.
You can run ahead if you want.

- Your poor face.
- I'm fine. Promise.

- I don't remember your answer.
- My answer?

Well, are you
going to marry me?

- Can you beat me to the rocks?
- No.

- Well, could you at least try?
- Are you... I don't wanna...

You know no one's gonna buy your
philosophical bullshit, don't you?

Sure they will! A psychologist who's
more screwed up than his patients?

How can anyone not be cured?

Steve, why don't
you just stay here?

Go to Harvard with me. They
got some great master programs.

Between us, we could have
psychology into the sixth grade.

No, no. I'm through with
Boston, and this weather.

California's got
enough freaks already...

- so I figured Arizona's going to be perfect.
- That's nice.

- They don't know what they're in for.
- This would make a great picture.

- Let's get one. I got it.
- Yeah.

Pop, get in here and
take a picture, will you?

Just a minute, please.

Now, your last name Baba?

Baba. That's not Italian.

No, it's Romanian.

But Romania is called such
because of the Roman history.

The Romans went into my city
of laþi, which is in the east...

Have you... have you
ever been to Italy?

Yes, sir. When I was
15. I worked in a café,

but I did not speak the
language all that well.

And a piece of paper...

- You speak Italian?
- A little bit, I understand a lot.

But I can learn more.

Yeah. Do you like... fish?

Oh, I love fish. I grew up by
a river, and I used to fish...

Yeah. Can you clean a halibut?

Oh, yes, very, very
quickly, and very clean, yes.

- Yes.
- Va bene.

Now, most important.

Do you like Italians?

Of course I love Italians.

- Everybody wants to be Italian!
- Oh, bravo, bravol

You got the job. All right,
all right. Can you start now?


That's enough.

Special thanks to SergeiK.