Extract Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Extract script is here for all you fans of the Mike Judge movie starring Jason Bateman and Mila Kunis. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Extract quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Extract Script


it's expensive, but it's sweet.

Yeah. Are you familiar with
Gibson humbucking pickups at all, or...

No, I'm sorry. I actually don't play.
It's for my dad for his 50th birthday.

That's... That's really sweet.

Yeah, my sisters
and I are all chipping in, so...

Your dad will love these humbuckings.
I mean, they really kick ass.

Excuse me,
I just have a quick question about...

So, what kind of music
does your dad play?


I guess it's kind of jazz-ish, maybe?

This is an excellent jazz guitar.
Pat Metheny plays one of these.

- Probably the best one.
- Yeah.

Is your dad into Metheny at all?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I actually have no idea who that is.

Pat Metheny is probably
the best fusion player of our times.

He's like the Jake E. Lee
of fusion guitar players.

- Yeah, are you into fusion?
- Yeah.

I don't really know what that is, either.

It's just... I was asking because I...
I play fusion guitar. Just curious.

Yeah, I play fusion, too, actually.

SALESMAN 1: I teach kids.
I work with kids.

- Really?
- Yeah, I work with a lot of kids.

One quick...

SALESMAN 1: You should come
check our band out.

- Oh, for Christ's sake.
- Okay. Sure. That's awesome.

Yeah. So what do you think?

Well, do you guys maybe have it
in other colors?

Color? You mean finishes.

- SALESMAN 1: Meant finishes.
- Yeah, sorry.

We have a sunburst. It's beautiful.

Yeah, I just stocked one of those
in the back. I can go grab it.

- No, I can pick it up.
- You want to see it?

- No, I'll get it. It comes with a case.
- I'll get it.

- I'm going to get the case.
- CIND Y: Yeah, okay. Thank you.

I'm gonna get...
I'm gonna grab the case.


(SIN GIN G) Well, I said, friend

Don't take her, she's all I've got

Please don't take her love
away from me

I'm beggin' you, friend

Don't take her, she's all I've got

Oh, shit!

She's everything in life I'll ever need

She is life

When I want to live

She's everything to me in life
that life can give

She's my water

That's not really my thing.

When I need a drink

She's the first thought in my mind

- Hey, Step.
- Hi there, Joel.

- Mary.
- Hello, Joel.

Let me tell you now, friend

Don't take her, she's all I've got

Please don't take her love
away from me

I'm beggin' you, friend

Don't take her, she's all I've got

She's everything in life
I'm ever gonna need

She's my fingers

When I want to feel

She's the only thing in life to me
that's really real

Let me tell you now, friend

Don't take her, she's all I've got

Please don't take her love
away from me

I'm beggin' you, friend

You know, I don't know what to...

- They come in and...
- That's right. They're doing...

She's everything in life
I'm ever gonna need

DEAN: You should come by tonight.

It's half-price well drinks
while the game's going.

Well, you always
give me free drinks, though.

I know. You should come by.

Might as well. There's no action going
on at my house, that's for sure.

Why not? Is your wife out of town?

No, I just haven't been laid
in about a month.

Hey, did you get this job
through Job 1?

Me, too.

I started right there
on the assembly line,

just like you.

Only I did better. Forty crates a day.

That's right, vato.
I'm the best sorter in here.

Yep. Probably gonna make me
floor manager at the end of this year.

- That's why they made me full-time.
- You see that?

That new guy? He's holding us up.

It's not my job to tell him
to hold the line, either.

Hey. My band's playing on Friday.
You should check us out.

It's pronounced "God's cock."

What kind of music do you listen to?


Yeah. Yeah. You'll like this.

Ladies are free,
so bring some chicks, okay?

Typical, typical.

I'm just going to sit here.

You're not going to shut it off?

I'm not going to hold the line.

If they're not going to do their jobs,
I'm not going to do mine.

Well, if I don't get home
before about 8:00,

she puts on the sweatpants,

and once the sweatpants are on,
I get nothing.

You know, it's over.


Damn it!

- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?

What is he doing?
That's what I want to know.

- Yeah? Why you ganging up on us?
- That is your job.

We can't do our job
if they don't do their job!

We're the only ones
that do our work around here!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

What is the problem? Let's settle down.



Hector's new here, okay?

It's gonna take him a couple of days,
so you've got to be patient.

Step, listen. This is something
you're gonna have to deal with

if you want to be floor manager,
you got that?


Great. Well, let's clean all this up, okay,
and get back to rolling.

We cannot afford to fall behind today.
Let's go.

Back to your station.

See that? We always get the blame.

Jesus, they're like a bunch of
damn children, you know?

I feel like a babysitter.

Sorry I missed the drama this morning.
I was showing boy genius down there

how to back up a forklift.

(SCOFFS) Look at him.

That's his whole career, you know?
Driving that damn forklift.

You'd think he'd want to learn how.

Well, he does have that band
that he's involved in, as well.

(SCOFFS) Yeah, right. Band.

I bet you dollars to donuts
he sucks at that, too.

- Then you got dinkus down there.
- Who? Mary?

No, no. The other one.

She asked me, or rather "aksed me,"
for more personal days.

Just like that.

I told her maybe if she figures out
how to fill out her timesheets correctly,

I will give her more personal days.

Don't worry. She will never fill out
her timesheets correctly.

I better get out of here.

Got to beat
that 8:00 sweatpant-deadline thing.

Oh, shit. Do not notice me.

Do not notice me. Just go back inside.
Go back inside.

God damn it! Hey.

Hey, Joel. Glad I caught you.
How have you been?

I'm in such a hurry right now, Nathan.

Yeah? You've been busy?

Yes. Very, very, very busy.

And I'm so busy right now,
I gotta go make a phone call.

Gotta call the office
before they all leave for the day.

Yeah. Hey, listen.
Real quick, while I've got you here,

what are you guys doing
November 17th?

On the 17th? Um...

On the 17th,
I think that we're out of town.

Oh, yeah? Where you going?


- Um...
- Wait a minute. I meant the seventh.

You guys will definitely
be in town then, right?


Great. Leslie and I are going
to this dinner.

It's an annual thing.
We go every year with the Rotary Club.

It's for charity.
It's just a whole lot of fun.

And we would like to invite you
and Suzie

to be our guests at our table...

Nathan, I just... I don't think that that's
something that we're gonna want to do.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Why not? It's a lot of fun.

I don't know.

Suzie doesn't like going
to those kinds of things.

Why not?

We wouldn't know anybody,
and she gets really uncomfortable.

- Oh, it's not like that.
- Sure it is.

No, she won't feel uncomfortable.
It's not formal or anything.

It's just a real loose bunch.

You know, I...

Tell you what. Why don't we do this?

I'm gonna go ahead
and buy those tickets,

since they're gonna sell out fast.

You talk to Suzie. See what she says.

Maybe I'll have Leslie give her a call.

You know how it is
when the wives start talking.


- I can almost hear it...
- We're gonna talk about this later.

Got to make the call.

Sorry, Joel, I almost forgot.

The tickets are $40 a plate.

Now, I know that's a little bit steep,
but the food is fantastic.

So, that's $80 total.
There's no tax or anything.

Nathan, I really gotta get inside
and make this phone call.

You and I are gonna talk about this
some other time, okay?

You go do that. Hey, Joel?

If you want us to look out
after the house

while you're gone or anything,
we can do that.

- I appreciate that.
- Okay. Yup.

Hey, where you guys going, anyway?

We're going on vacation.

Gosh, I tell you, Leslie and I would love
to go on a vacation with you guys.


I gotta go.

All right, then.

I appreciate it, Nathan.
Thank you so much.

You do your thing.

Joel? One more thing.

Hey, Joel?

- Hon.
- Hi.

Man, that Nathan won't shut up.

Oh, I know. What an asshole.
That wife of his is even worse.

I mean, I wonder how long he would
talk if you just let him go, you know?

I'm actually afraid
to go into our own front yard sometimes

because I'm afraid
he's going to be milling around.

Remember when we had our condo?

We could just go
straight from the garage inside.

No one would bother us.

We could walk to 7-Eleven.


We didn't have to worry
about plumbers or pool cleaners.

Speaking of that,
we've got to hire a new pool cleaner.

He never checks the chlorine levels.

Sorry, it's just this new synthetic vanilla

has a much higher triple point
than we thought,

which means that
the new cookies-and-cream extract

that we've been working on
could really work,

and I just... I gotta get to this
before Weber Flavors beats us to it,

'cause if something like this caught on,
it could be big.

Could sell the company.

Do you remember
that logo that you designed

for the original
cookies-and-cream extract?

I still have that framed in my office.
Do you remember it?

Yeah. And now I design coupons.

Do you want to go to the bedroom?

- Oh, I'm a little tired.
- Really?

Yeah, just... I don't know.
It's the middle of the week.

It's not the middle of the week.
It's Monday, baby.

It's Monday? Shit!

- What happened?
- Dancing with the Stars.


Oh? Is it on?


I gotta get a house
that's got a bathroom

that doesn't share a wall with the TV.

Why would you do that?

Because it is a little tough to jerk it

with the TV blaring at you
through the wall, Dean.

Well, why don't you use
one of the other two bathrooms?

lt'd be too suspicious.
We don't use those bathrooms.

I'll just...
I'll put some insulation in or something.


You do not need
to put fiberglass in your walls

because you have so much
masturbation shame.

You need to take responsibility
for yourself and snap one off

wherever you want to
in your own home.

You own your house.
You own your own business.

I mean,
you used to be a bartender here.

Now look at what you have.

I know, but come on. What...
What, really, do I have?

Okay? It's a pain in the ass.

I work all the time.
What does it get me?

Nobody cares about extracts,
certainly not my wife.

The stock guy with the shitty band
probably gets laid more often than I do.

Yeah, but he probably lives
in a really crappy apartment.

I would very gladly move
into a crappy apartment

if the bathroom
wasn't right next to the TV.

CIND Y: It belonged to my father.

He passed away last month
and we have all these stupid bills,

and it's just been really hard for me,
you know?

He was really into fusion.

You know, I'm not supposed to say this,

but given the circumstances,

you know, you could take this
down to the music store

and get a lot better deal.

No, that's okay. Really.
I just wanna get this over with.

- I just want it gone.
- I understand. I understand. Here.

I just... I want you to have a little extra.
Here. Come on.

- No. No, no, no. I couldn't. No. No.
- No, no. Just... Just take the money.

You've been through enough already.
Come on.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, my gosh.

God bless you. Thank you so much.
Thank you.


Are we still looking into
replacing her with a robot?

Yeah, sure. But we might not have to.

You're not gonna believe this,
but remember that guy,

Michael J. Natherton
from General Mills,

who called a while back, talking like
he might want to buy us out?

Yeah. I thought you said
that he wasn't serious,

he was just kicking the tires.

Yeah, well, he's serious now.
He just made us an offer.

- I mean, a real offer.
- Are you kidding me?

It must be part of some
bigger strategic move,

because this is over market value,
I think.


I might be able to finally unload
all this stuff and retire, huh?

I mean,
there's a lot of details to work out,

but, yeah, this... This could be great.

He says he'll call back next week.
What should I tell him?

You tell him, "Hell, yes."

Adiós, dinkus.

You see that?

I already warned him.
This is the last time.

I'm just gonna sit here.

Oh, no. What now?



I knew it. That's what happens
when you don't pay attention.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, all right.
Just call me if you hear anything else.

He definitely lost one of them,
and they think

that they can reattach the other one,
but they're not sure.

Wow. That's hardcore.

I have no idea how this happened.

We've got such a good safety record,

and we comply
with all the safety codes.

I think it was just some kind
of a freak accident, you know?

Well, you probably have insurance
for that, right?

Yeah, of course. He's probably
gonna get a huge settlement.

Yeah, I would think so.

I mean, it's your balls.

It kind of makes you think, doesn't it,
how fragile we all are?

Especially our balls.
They're just hanging there.

A little sack.

Any minute,
could just be cut off forever.

What'd life be like,
walking around without testicles?

Can you imagine that shit?

Yeah, actually,
I rarely use my balls anymore at all.

What about the other night?

I thought you were gonna rub one out
to Dancing with the Stars.

I mean that, you know,

Suzie and I have sex
maybe once every three months.

You know,
sexual frustration is really hard.

But I may have a solution.

- What?
- You need to take some Xanax.

Xanax? Isn't that for anxiety?

It's good for all psychological problems
in the DSM-IV.

Xanax basically
just makes you feel good.

That's why it works for everything.

I take it for the common head cold.

I think it would work great
for sexual frustration.

- Want me to get you some?
- No, I don't.

You know what else is good?
Codeine cough syrup.

- For what?
- It's just good.

FEMALE OPERA TOR: What listing?

Don Wilkinson or Step Wilkinson.

- One moment.
- Can I have the address, please?

I'm sorry.
I'm not showing anything for either.

There's a D. Wilkinson,
but it's unlisted.

Okay. Thank you.

So, the guys at General Mills

got wind of this whole
testicular incident

and they're worried.

If Step decides to sue us
beyond the insurance settlement,

that could be a serious liability.

How is Step doing, anyway?

I guess he might be going home today.

Oh, good.

Anyway, I guess
we don't have to worry about it.

He says he's not going to sue us.

wouldn't want something for nothing,

you know, and what's right is right.

He's being pretty mellow about this.


I think when you lose your balls,
it kind of mellows you out.

Oh, by the way,
guess who asked for a raise today?

- Who?
- Dinkus. Can you believe that?

Brian, you know,
you call everyone here dinkus.

I don't know who you're talking about.

- You know, forklift dinkus.
- Oh.

I thought you call him "boy genius."

Oh, right. Yeah.
Well, boy genius asked for a raise.

I said, "Are you kidding me?

"You almost got somebody
killed last week."

And then he tried to blame it
on dinkus over there.

You know, you really ought to learn
the employees' names.

Yeah, I was thinking about that,
but then I figured,

hey, if this deal goes through
next week, I won't have to.

It's not like I'm gonna be inviting dinkus
and boy genius over for dinner.

Oh, Joel, let me introduce you
to the new temps here.

One of them wanted to meet you.

Joel, this is Cindy.

- Hi.
- Hi.

(MOUTHING) Oh, my God.


I'm sorry. I forgot your name.

- Victor.
- Victor! Right.

Hi. Joel. Welcome.

- Okay.
- BRIAN: Mmm-hmm.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Look, I'm so sorry, but are you really
the owner of this entire place?


I mean, like, you...
You started it and everything?

Yeah. Yeah, pretty much.

Oh, my God. How?

Just... You really wanna hear this?
A lot of people think it's boring.

No, no. I... Really, I do. I wanna know.

I mean, did you, like,
invent extract or something?

- Kind of.
- Really?

Well, my mother used to...

My mother used to make
these root-beer cookies,

and I always noticed
that the cookie dough

tasted better
than the cookies themselves,

and I thought, "Why is that?"

And it turns out that a lot of the flavor

in the root-beer extract evaporates
when you cook it,

and so when I was in graduate school,
in chemistry,

I figured out a way
to use this synthetic derivative

of the wintergreen component,
and it just...

It doesn't evaporate as easily.
And from that, you know...


I mean, you... You figured
all of that out, like, with your brain!

- Yeah.
- Oh, you must be really rich.

I've got a 7 Series BMW
and some pretty nice clothes.

You know so many people.

- I...
- Oh, my God. You are really popular.



It's just really cute
how your sixes look like eights.

Or is it more like your eights
look like sixes?

Which one is it?

Hey, dude.
You wanna hit some golf balls, man?

Hey, Dean. Cindy, here.

Oh, damn.

Goodness. Hi. Dean.

Entrepreneur, spiritualist, healer.

- Okay.
- Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.
Thank you, Mr. Reynolds.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Welcome aboard.

We're gonna play some golf,
but maybe we could all just hang out?

- Dean?
- Dude.

Does she work here?

Yeah, she's a temp.

- She's a tramp?
- Temp!

And please don't stare at her.
Get away from the window.

I like it, Joel. I like your style.

Well, I didn't hire her.
She came over through Job 1.

They just sent her over
like everyone else.

Job 1, huh?
I got to give those guys a call, man.

I have never seen a woman
anywhere near that hot working here.

Makes sense, though, huh?
I mean, hot girls need jobs, too, right?

Do they really?

I mean, most of your temps
look like winos, man, and they're guys.

- You wanna hear something weird, too?
- Yeah.

I think that she was flirting with me.


- Could be wrong.
- No, I'm sure, man.

Dude, you could probably have any girl
out there, that's walking around,

anyone that you see right now
with the hairnet on, man,

you could probably nail.

- I don't know about that.
- I'm telling you, man,

you're the king of this whole domain.

This is your place.
You're the ruler here.

You're the king of the...

What is this shit
you're making out here?

It's extract,
and it's spray-dried flavoring, and...

You're the extract king, man.

And these females out here sense that,

and you can have them if you want that,
you know?

I personally wouldn't, because
they're not sexually attractive to me,

but, you know, that girl right there,

- good for you, Joel.
- MARY: Somebody stole my purse!

What the shit?

My purse is stolen! It's gone! He did it!
He stole my purse! You!

You stole my purse! He did it!

- He did it! He stole my purse!
- Hey, wait, wait!

- I told you about him!
- Calm down!

Calm down one minute, will you?

I'm not gonna calm down!
I'm gonna call the cops!

Will you please time out?
I speak the language, okay? Hector.


- You know, purse-o?
- Purse! That's right!

You stole my purse
and took my money!

- Wait a minute! Wait a minute, okay?
- He stole my purse.

Give me a break, please?
How do you know it's stolen?

I know it's stolen because it's gone,
that's how!

What does it look like?

It's a white leather
multi-colored patchwork purse

with a turquoise lining
and a cute little teddy bear in a tutu!

(SIN GIN G) You didn't have to love me
like you did

But you did, but you did

And I thank you

You didn't have to love me like you did

But you did, but you did

And I thank you

But you took your love to someone else

I wouldn't know what it meant
to be loved to death

You made me feel like I've never felt

Kisses so good I had to holler for help

You didn't have to hold it, but you did

But you did, but you did

And I thank you

You can go ahead of me
if that's all you got.

- Really?
- Yeah, sure.

Are you sure?

That's really, really sweet of you.
Thank you.

I can't believe
I'm buying Reynold's Extract.

I mean, I work at the factory, you know?

Really? I work there, too.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I sure do.
Well, I used to, but... Yeah.

Well, I just started working there.

Yeah, I'm the fastest sorter there.

- Really?
- Yeah. Forty crates a day.

They were gonna make me
floor manager.

Well, I'm Cindy.


We don't do it anymore, you know?
It's... We just... I don't know what to do.

We're turning into one of those
brother-sister couples.

You do kind of look alike.

- No, we don't.
- Okay.

And to make things worse,

Dean, I cannot get
that Cindy girl out of my mind.

And how often am I going
to meet a girl that pretty

and that into food flavoring? It's just...

You know she practically
asked me out?

She gave me her phone number
and everything.

Asked me if I was going to that party
where Rory's band is playing.

- Can you believe that?
- Really?

- Yeah.
- What are you going to do?

What do you mean,
what am I gonna do?

I'm gonna do nothing.
I can't cheat on Suzie.

I just got to power through it
until I'm too old to get it up, you know?

Then I'll be all right.

What if Suzie cheated on you?

(SCOFFS) Right. Come on.

Listen, man. I like Suzie.
You know what I'm saying?

And I got nothing against her,

but what if she's feeling
the same way you were? Right?

What if she cheated on you?
Would that bother you?

I don't... No, I guess...
No, I guess it wouldn't, at this point.

I guess that's a little weird, isn't it?

Yeah, a bit, but, you know,
do you think she would do it?

- What? Cheat on me? No.
- You sure?

Well, I don't know, actually.
Hang on. She might.

Suzie might.
She could be tempted, I suppose.

If some really studly guy hit on her...

So, you're saying
that she would cheat on you

if she were placed in temptation's way,

and yet you're in temptation's way
and you're not cheating on her?

- That's right.
- Okay, bro.

Here's what you need to do.

- I don't want drugs, Dean.
- There are ways,

ancient ways from Aztec times

of getting your wife to cheat on you,
if that is what you need.

Let's hear it.

You hire a gigolo

to have an affair with your wife.

- What?
- I'm serious, bro. I know a guy.

- You know a gigolo?
- Yes, I do.

How do you know a gigolo?

- This guy, Brad.
- Brad the gigolo?

Yes, who comes in here all the time.
He's friends of Cliff.

You hire Brad.
He has an affair with Suzie.

All right. Yeah. Don't you have
another customer to help or something?

Dude, you just told me
that you wouldn't mind

if she fooled around
with somebody else.

And if she fools around
with somebody else,

you have no guilty feelings
about hooking up with Cindy.

All your problems are solved.
Stroke-of-genius idea on my part.

Jesus Christ,
maybe I will try some of your Xanax.

- Come on.
- Seriously.

I think what I'm gonna do is,
I'm gonna sit Suzie down

and I'm just gonna talk to her about it.

- Bing!
- No, that was a joke.

Not a joke.

- Joking.
- Serious.

This gonna shut you up?

Tell me what this stuff does, again.

STEP: Yeah, I just believe
what's right is right.

CIND Y: That's right, Step.

And what's right is
for you to send a message

so that a horrible accident like this
never happens to anybody ever again.

That's why I got a lawyer for you.

You want to know who?

- Who?
- The guy on all the bus-stop benches.

- Joe Adler? You got me Joe Adler?
- Mmm-hmm.


You're so good to me, Cindy.

Okay. Oh, my gosh. Step, I'm sorry.

You're getting me aroused,

and I'm getting you aroused,

and your doctor said
that you should not get aroused

till after the trial.

Step, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. I think we should go.
I'm sorry.

STEP: Man. Look at all them mallards.

I knew I should have brought
the Mossberg.

DEAN: Shit.

Do you remember what color
that pill was I gave you?

- What?
- Damn it.

I don't think it was Xanax.

Could have been Ritalin or Special K.

I don't care. What?

Well, Special K is a horse tranquilizer.

It sometimes has weird effects
on humans.

Hey, it's nothing to worry about.

Probably just shouldn't drink anymore.

Remember that thing
you were talking about?

- About the gigolo?
- Yeah?

You don't think that is wrong?

You don't think that
that is morally wrong?

What could be morally wrong
about that?

Yeah, I don't know.

Look, man.
If she doesn't wanna do anything,

she doesn't have to, okay?

But if she does,
then she's the one who sinned,

and you're the one
who can go out there

and drop the Joel-pole
in whoever the hell you want to.

And that's what's morally appropriate.

I cannot... I can't see anything
morally wrong with it, either,

and... And he's a friend of yours, right?
What is his name?

Brad. You want me
to get on the phone with him?

No, no. Just hang on.

It's very weird
to even talk about this, Dean.

Dude, all you got to do is tell her
he's coming to be the new pool guy

or whatever, and see what happens.

If she doesn't go for it, terrific.

Now you just feel better for not
fooling around in the first place.

I think you're right,
and we do need a new pool cleaner.

That's a sign, bro.

Yeah, I just... I don't know. It's so nuts.

You got to listen to the universe.

Why don't you have
another drink, man?

You know what?
Why don't I go call Brad?

See what he has to say about this?

What the hell.

It seems pretty clear, right?
I mean, it's $200, right?

Yeah. It's 200.

Well, yeah. I mean, you know,
I'm getting my 10%.

Come on, Dean. What are you?
You're a pimp now?

I don't think they call it a pimp
when it's with a male prostitute, Joel.

- All right.
- DEAN: They have another name for it.

It's not a john,
but it's something like that.

They call it something else.

Look, I'm the one
who hooked this whole thing up.

- I get it.
- DEAN: Okay?

You have nothing to worry about
'cause it all comes out

- of his money, anyway.
- All right!

- Fine.
- So, it's $200.

Yep. 220.

- Dean!
- What?

I have a question.


So, are you, like,
gonna watch or something?

No, no. No, no. No, I'm...
I'm not even gonna be there.

I'm gonna be at work.
Don't you remember? We covered this.

- Didn't we cover this?
- Look, dude, here's the story.

What you're gonna do is,

you're just gonna go
to Joel's house, okay,

pretending to be the new pool cleaner.

When you get there, you will simply
attempt to seduce Joel's wife.

If she does not respond,

you will simply
clean the pool and leave.

That's it. It's just that simple.

So you're not gonna, like,
try to touch my ass or anything?

Listen. He will be at work.

You will go by when he is not there,

and you will pose as the pool cleaner

trying to seduce the wife.


I see. Yeah. I get it now.

- It's so simple.
- BRAD: Yeah. I'm sorry. Cool.

Yeah. You're not even gonna be there.

DEAN: No, he will not be there.

He will not be at the house.
You will be at the house.

The wife will be at the house. He will...

- BRAD: Not be...
- Not be at the house.

Cool. No problem.
This is gonna be great.

Now, I want you to remember
that she might not go for it.

So, awesome, yeah.
No, I can hardly wait.

- She might not go for it.
- This is going to be awesome.

Awesome. Hey, man,
if you know of anybody else

who might need, you know, what I do,
like lonely housewives and shit,

you think you could tell them
about me?

Because I figure
if I can get enough of them,

then maybe I could quit
my landscaping job.

That would be awesome,
because I hate landscaping, dude,

and I like getting laid a lot better.

And I'm always seeing all kinds of
horny housewives out at the clubs,

so, like I say,
if your wife has any housewife...

Brad, you're killing me, man.
All right? Good talking to you.

- All right.
- Good talking, all right, bro? Later.

BRAD: Oh? You know what else
I was thinking, man?

- Later on, Brad. Good night, man.
- BRAD: All right, cool.

Hey, let me give you a ride home.
You're not in any condition to drive.

I know.

This... Are you sure about this guy?

DEAN: Oh, yeah, man. He's real cool.

He just gets a little fired up
before each job.

It's just... He doesn't seem that bright.

I mean, what do you expect?
He's a whore.

CIND Y: Hey.

Wow, looks like you had
one of those nights, huh?

So, where was I?

Oh, shit.


- Hello?
- Hey, Dean.

- Joel.
- Thank God you're awake.

Did that really happen last night?

We go through with that?
That gigolo stuff?

As far as I know.

- God damn it!
- What?

What was I thinking?
We got to call that off right now.

Can you call that guy?
What's his name?

Brad. Okay. Yeah, man. I'll call him.

Yeah, tell him I'll pay him anyway.
Not to... Not to worry about it.

Just tell him not to go over there.

What was I thinking?

All right, chill. Chill. I'll call him.

Thanks for the drugs, Dean.

Actually, I don't have his digits.

What're you talking about?
Thought you called him last night.

- Yeah, but I got his number from Cliff.
- You get it from Cliff again.

Cliff doesn't have a phone right now.
I got it from him at the bar.


What's the boy's last name?
I'll call information.

I don't remember. It's a Mexican name.


For Christ's sake, Dean,

the guy's got blonde hair
and blue eyes. Come on.

I thought it was strange, too,
a guy who looks like that

had a Mexican last name,
but I don't judge people, you know?

I mean, might not have been Mexican.
Could have been a Filipino name.

I think it's Lopez or Sanchez.

Or Gutiérrez.

Shit. I got to get home
and head him off.

- Joel, we got to talk.
- Not now, Brian.

- It's kind of important.
- Not now, pal.

- Not now.
- It's kind of really important.

- It's about Step.
- JENNY: There's a Brad Chavez

on Line 1 for you.

- Who?
- Brad Chavez.

Brad Chavez?

You want me to take a message?

No, no. That's the pool cleaner.
I better take that.


- Hey, is this Joel?
- Yes, it is.

- Hey, man. It's Brad.
- Hey. Thank God.

Mission accomplished, dude.

It worked. She totally went for it.

You were not even supposed
to be there for another 45 minutes.

Oh, really? Yeah.

I totally forgot what time
you guys told me,

and I was so excited about it
I just went over there.


So, then, you... She actually...
You guys...

Yep. It was easy.

Easy? What does that mean, easy?

No, I don't mean easy like
she was easy or anything like,

"Your wife's a slut," or anything.

I just meant it wasn't hard
to get her to...

Never mind.

Tell me. Tell me what happened.
I want to hear it all.

- You sure?
- Yeah. I'm sure.

Okay. Well, she let me in,

so I just went back
like I was cleaning the pool,

and I don't know anything
about pool cleaning, right?

So, I was totally just faking it,

and she was in her bathing suit,

so I struck up a conversation.

This is a really nice house.

Thank you.

Is it your dad's house?

No, it's... It's ours.

Oh. Wow.

You look so young
to be living in a house this nice.



Do you have any sunscreen?
I forgot mine.


BRAD: And, see, I thought that was
pretty smart of me, right,

to ask to borrow the sunscreen,

because that way I could ask
if she wanted some

and I could rub some
on her back, right?

Instead of me just coming out
and asking to rub some on her back.

It was pretty smooth, huh?

Anyway, once I started rubbing lotion
all over her body,

- the rest was pretty easy. She...
- All right! That's it!

Stop it! I don't need to hear any more.

Okay. Okay, dude.

Well, hey, listen,
if you have anyone else that

you want to referral me to

or, like, if you want me to do
your wife again, I can...

No! I've got to go. Goodbye.

- Oh! Damn it!
- Yoo-hoo. Hey!

- How's it going?
- I'm real busy, actually.

Well, I'm not gonna keep you long.

I went ahead
and got those tickets for that dinner

we talked about going to together
on the seventh.

I think I mentioned
that they were 40 apiece.

Well, as it turns out,
they're a tad more this year. 55.

I told you that we really
didn't want to go to that thing.

Don't you remember that?

I know you said something
about Suzie feeling uncomfortable,

but like I say,
she won't feel uncomfortable at all.

She could wear a pantsuit,
if that's the issue.

- It's not formal or anything.
- No. It's not the problem, Nathan.

What? Does she not like
to wear a dress ever?

I gotta go.

One more thing! I'm busy, too.

Joel, I was thinking,
maybe we could go on vacation,

just the two of us.

We haven't done something like that
in a long time,

and I know they have really
great deals right now in the Caribbean.

I hate the Caribbean.

Really? Why?

'Cause it sucks.

But I thought you liked
going to hot places,

you know, so you can wear your shorts.

I don't feel so good.
I'm gonna go to bed.

Is it the food?

Well, actually, I'm in, like,
five bands right now,

but God's Cock is basically
the same four guys as Fight Head,

but Fight Head's more of, like,
a thrash skate-punk-type thing,

whereas God's Cock is more like
melodic grindcore.

So, it's five bands,
but it's four groups of guys.

She is so nice.
I wish they'd hire more people like her.


Can't believe he's still working here.

Did you know
that Sylvia's wallet is missing?

She thinks it was stolen.

And guess who was
in the locker room last?


Hey. Did you guys hear the rumor?

Jim said Joel and Brian
are going to sell the company.

Rich said the same thing, too.

He said they'll probably make millions
and billions of dollars, too.

Shut the fuck up.

You mean, I'm working my ass off

and those guys are gonna make
all that money?

I work harder than anybody.

If you add it all up,
I lift over 200,000 pounds a week.

We should do something.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm-hmm.

Here. Ladies are free,
so bring some chicks.


- You got a sec?
- Yeah.

I think we might have
a really big problem here.

I don't know what happened,
but all of a sudden,

Step says he doesn't want
to settle anymore.

I think he might have talked to a lawyer.

Like I say, the General Mills guys
don't wanna make the offer official

until this whole thing is settled, so...

All right, well, don't worry about it.

Step's probably just chest-beating,
you know?

He does this all the time.
He gets all wound up, talks big,

and then he usually backs down.

And that was with his balls, so,

- I'll talk to him.
- Okay. All right. The sooner the better.


There he is. Hey.

I can't talk today.

- Almost missed you.
- I can't talk right now, Nathan.

Hey, I noticed you got
a new pool cleaner today.

How is he?

We're thinking about
changing services.

I got to get inside...
Hang on, you mean yesterday, right?

- Huh?
- The pool cleaner that you saw,

you saw him yesterday,
not today, right?

No, today. The new guy.

What did he look like?

Well, you know,
blonde-haired kid about yea high.

Good-looking kid. Real good-looking.

In fact, Leslie even commented...

You're absolutely sure
that you saw him today,

and not yesterday?

- Yeah.
- No doubt?

No, no doubt about it. It was today.
I came home for lunch.

Yesterday, I had this bear of
a sales conference.

This guy just went on.

Hey, do you think I could go ahead
and get that check from you?

It's 110...

All right, I'll call you!

BRAD: Hello?

- Yeah, is this Brad?
- Yeah.

What were you doing
at my house today?


- Nothing.
- Bullshit.

Look, don't worry about it, dude.

I won't charge you for this one.

You had sex with my wife again?

Well, I figured we already did it once,
so what's the big deal, right?

- Besides, I'm not going to charge you.
- You're not going to charge...

You are going to charge me
and I am going to pay you,

because you are not going to have sex
with my wife for free, all right?

Now, listen. If I ever catch you
anywhere near my house ever again,

it's not going to be great, all right?

Okay, listen, if you know
of anyone else who needs...

Hey, do you want to,

I don't know, go out or something?

We can go to 7-Eleven
and get pizza sticks.

I have this work thing I gotta go to.

Rory's band's playing.
Everyone's got to go.





Are you getting what you deserve?
Call me! Joe Adler, the big gun.

- Hey, Cliff.
- Hey.


I cannot believe
that my wife slept with that guy.

I thought you said
it wouldn't bother you.

Well, I guess
I didn't think about it long enough.

It was so easy for him, too.
I can't stand that.

Maybe I'm just lousy in the sack.

No, man. It's not your fault.

I told you,
my man Brad just crushes ass, dude.

I'm sorry if, you know... I'm sorry.

That's all right. That's all right.
Apparently you're right.

What is it with women?
They say they don't care about looks,

they just want a guy
who's smart and funny,

but they always just end up laughing

at whatever the good-looking,
stupid guy says.

(LAUGHING) I know.

Guess what else? Little prick
was at my house again today.

- For real? Why?
- Why do you think?

Unreal. You hire a guy to do a job
on one day,

and he comes back the next day,
drops it in your wife again for free.

Yeah, well, I'm not letting him do it
for free. I am paying him.

You are? How much?

The same, I guess. Why?

Well, I mean,
should I contact Brad for my 20 bills

and invoice him,
or should I go to you, or...

Don't even worry about that right now.

We can deal
with the economics of it later.

You can just table that.
That's not what's important.

What's important is that
you should be going out right now

and calling Cindy, guilt-free.
Conscience clear.

Yeah. I don't know about that.
She's at that party.

- Look. You know what you need to do?
- I don't need any more drugs.

Dude. I know I kid around a lot
and I'm a little bit of a character,

but I'm serious right now.
This is real advice.

Okay? So, I want you to listen to me.

You should try smoking a little pot.

- That's a drug.
- It's not a drug. It's a flower.

It has healing properties.
Stress is a killer.

Okay, I get paranoid when I smoke pot.

Not if you smoke a little, bro.

You know what you need to do?

You need to hang out
with my boy Willie.

He's a great guy. He's the one
who gave me that horse tranquilizer.

Dude, the Atlantians gave mankind
the secret 10,000 years ago.

See, drugs don't give you a hangover,
man. You know what I mean?

People are just now starting to use
that shit. Embrace it.

That's how we're going to solve
modern problems, man.

Wisdom of the ancients.
Ask Willie, bro. He's a shaman.

Right on.

- All right, man.
- No.

I'm really kind of a lightweight. If you've
got a beer, or even some wine...

- It's not really my thing.
- Bullshit.

Come on, Joel.
Man, he thinks he gets paranoid.

- I do get paranoid.
- Okay.

You familiar with the Graffix bong?

- You ever used one before?
- No.

Okay. Put your thumb right here.

Hey! You put your right thumb here,
on the carburetor.

Now, when I tell you to let go,
I want you to let go and inhale hard.

Okay. Exhale!

- I'm going to let you guys do this.
- Bullshit!

This doesn't work for me.
Just give mine to Dean.

- Exhale hard!
- I get paranoid, so I don't...



Put your lips on it. Yeah.

Go! Inhale! Go! Go! Harder!


Let go!




Oh, yeah.


Yeah. It's Jesus. You see him?

JOEL: Oh, fuck.



I thought I heard somebody
say something.



JOEL: Jesus Christ.

Did you see the look on his face?

Man, you do get paranoid
when you get stoned.

You do, dude.

Did you get paranoid
when he jumped at you?

I told you guys.

Hey, dude, man.
You should call that girl now.

Well, yeah, what time is it?

Time for you to call her
and finally get laid, man. Come on!

- All right.
- DEAN: It's 12:30, man.

She's probably at home now.

What does she look like?

She's... She has dark hair.
She's kind of pretty,

and, you know, working-class looking.

What do you mean by that?

That she's kind of slutty-looking?

Kind of. Yeah.

That's how I like them.

Kind of nasty. Yeah.

You guys have the same taste, man.

Yeah. Hope I don't wake her up.



At least you know she's home, man.

I don't know what kind of person
doesn't have call waiting.

I don't have call waiting.

I hate call waiting.

Every time I hear that clicking,


I put my fist
right through someone's skull!

Are you joking? He's playing with you.

You do get paranoid
when you are stoned, huh?

Seriously, though, I hate call waiting.

Okay, man.

You're too stoned.
I'm gonna dial the number for you.

I'll tell you
why you're getting a busy signal.

This is my number.

Enough. I don't know why
you're trying to get me so paranoid.

You're gonna make me cry.



Hey. What are you doing here?

Joel, man, I'm not proud of you today.

Guys, seems like

- you guys will have a lot to work out.
- Hey, man.

I don't want to be a fourth wheel.

Thanks for having me. It's been cool.

See you guys later.

Kind of nasty?


(SOFTLY) Shit.

Oh, my God. Joel, are you all right?
What happened?

I'm fine. I'm fine. Just got
my ass kicked. Just back to sleep.

- But...
- Honey, just...

By who? What happened?

Some guy at Sidelines, just...

My God, you should go to the hospital
so you can get checked out, maybe.

No, no, no, I just
want to go to sleep right now. Shh!

- Are you sure you're okay?
- Honey, just don't worry about it, okay?

People get their asses kicked
every day. Not a big deal. Back to bed.

- Can I get you some ice?
- I'm set.

Hi, Joel. Brian wants to see you.
Oh, my God.

What happened to your face?

Car door. Slammed it.


Hey, did you talk to Step yet?

Not returning my calls.

Oh, shit. We got trouble.
He did talk to a lawyer.

Joe Adler, that personal-injury lawyer
you see on all the bus-stop bench ads.

He's got that freak-show hairdo.
I mean, you got to see this guy.

He is a human turd.

Shit. What happened to you?

I fell down some stairs. Joe Adler?

Yeah. I mean,
this could be a real problem.

We could be really screwed here.

(SIGHS) And we got to hire a couple of
new people because Cindy's quitting.

And did you know
she's been going out with Step?


Can you believe that?

- Step?
- Yeah.

- Our Step?
- I know. Weird.

And they didn't even meet here.

They met, like, at some grocery store
or something, totally random.

You know, how a jimmy-john
little dingle berry like him

ends up with a girl like Cindy
is beyond me.

And if it's okay with you,
I'd like to go ahead and fire Hector.

Fire Hector? Why?

Well, you know, what's-her-face's
purse and dinkus' wallet.

It's got to be him. Who else could it be?

Uh, no. Do not fire Hector.

- Why not?
- Just... Just trust me on this.

Okay. If you say so.

Jenny, I don't feel very well.
I'm gonna go home early.


What the...

What the hell are you doing
on my street again?

Dude, you weren't supposed to be here
for another four hours.

What... What happened to your face?

Same thing that's...

Your face is going to look like
my face if I ever...

Actually, your face is going to
look worse than mine if...

Listen, if I ever catch you anywhere
near my house or my wife again,

at the very least, you will be arrested.

For what? Suzie let me in.

Listen, man, I know she's your wife
and shit and whatever.

You might as well know,
I think we're in love.


In love? Oh, are you stupid.

Stupid Brad. Stupid, dumb, dumb Brad.

You think that she is in love with you?
You don't even know her, okay?

You're nothing but a little piece of ass.
That's it.

I don't think so, dude.

You don't think so, dude?
Did you ever think

that she doesn't even know
that I paid you to have sex with her?

Did you ever think about that?

Did that ever skitter across
your little tiny brain?

How about I go home
and I tell her right now

that you did it all for money?
What about that, ding-ding?

Shut up. You wouldn't do that.

- Really? Watch this, slut.
- No!

- Here I go.
- No, wait! Please!

Don't! Man!

Listen, man, me and your wife
got something really special going on.

Please don't mess it up for me.

Don't mess it up?
You're talking about my wife!

My house! My pool! Stupid ass.

No, wait! Come on!
You can't do this to me!

Oh, yes, I can!

SUZIE: Hi. You're home early.

So, how was that new pool cleaner?

What do you mean?

What do you think I mean?

Did he do a good job cleaning the pool?

Well, I...

Did he get all the leaves?
'Cause it doesn't look really clean.

I'm looking right at it,
and it looks pretty goddamn filthy.

Yeah, yeah.
It doesn't look like he did a good job.

I think he did a horrible job,

and I don't think
we're going to be using him anymore.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Are you sure you're feeling okay, Joel?
Can I take you to the doctor?


- Do you want some aspirin?
- No, thank you!

How about some raisins?




- Hey, Step.
- Joel! Come on in.


This is my half-brother, Phil.

- Well, let's go out back.
- All right.

Hey, hey! Close the door.


So, you're dating Cindy, huh?

Yes, sir. She's my girlfriend.

We might even get married after all this
lawsuit settlement stuff gets settled.


Step, you might want to be
careful with her.

What do you mean?
Does she got an STD?

I just... Step, I'm not sure
how to put this,

but, you know,
you have got a lot of money

coming your way from the settlement.
You might want to be careful with her.

Joel, I know Cindy has got
her problems, but she means well.

She's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

Step, I don't want to tell you what to do,

but I just want you
to think about this, you know.

If you go beyond the settlement,
you continue with the lawsuit,

you could bankrupt that company.

And people are going to lose their jobs,

a lot of people are gonna be
pissed off at you, so...

No, I ain't worried about that.

I can kick anybody's ass
at that whole company.


PHIL: Well, I'm gonna kick somebody's
ass if you don't close that screen door!

Brad, we can't. I'm sorry.

- We have to stop doing this.
- Why?

Because it's not right,
and I feel horrible,

and you have to start cleaning the pool.


But I've never felt this way
about anyone before,

and I've been with a lot of chicks.

Okay, look, Brad.
I love my husband. I really do.

And this was a mistake. I'm sorry.
I don't know what got into me.

I was bored and frustrated,
and I was not feeling particularly pretty.

But we just... We have to stop this.

This has made me realize
I really want to make my marriage work.

I'm sorry.

This doesn't mean that we can't still
see each other, though, right?

Yes, that's...
That's exactly what it means.


Because of everything that I just said.

Do you need me to say it again?


Can I see you tomorrow?

- No.
- Can I see you Thursday?

- No.
- Can I see you Friday?

Okay. You know what?
You have to go. Come on.

- I'll call you tomorrow.
- Okay. Okay. Just... Okay.

We'll talk about it later.

Oh, my God. What a moron.

- Hey. Are you ready?
- Huh?

The meeting with Step's lawyer,
or lawyers.

- It's today, remember? Now.
- Shit.

I should fire all three of you

because you laughed at me
when I bought those bus-bench ads.

But this Step guy? He's the Holy Grail.

You see, if both his balls
had been knocked clean off,

he'd be a good case,
but not a great case.

A man with no balls is no man at all.

And a jury will never feel
they can walk in the shoes

of a ball-less, neutered, he-she freak.

But Step? He's got one ball, barely.

To a jury he's still a man, and that
manhood is hanging on by a thread.

I'm telling you,
this guy is a Powerball jackpot.

The fucking...

Hello. I'm Joe Adler.

- Hi, Joe. Brian. This is Joel.
- Nice to see you.

- How are you?
- Hi.

You see those guys up there?

I heard those are the guys
from General Mills.

Look, if they're gonna sell this place
and cash out and leave me with no job,

then I should get some
of that cash, man.

I mean, it's only fair.

I've been working here for,
like, two years.

It's bullshit, man. I work my ass off.

Remember, Hector, I was telling you
how hard I worked my ass off?

I've been working here 14 years.
We can get jobs at GemCo like that.

And at GemCo,
all the employees are owners.

It even says so on the nametags.

But the thing is,
I don't want to work at GemCo.

GemCo sucks, man.

They make you do calisthenics. Yeah.

That's right.
We could work at Southwest Airlines.

But I don't want to work
at Southwest, either.

They make you do the limbo.

That is messed up.

Yeah, I would be the laughingstock
of the grindcore community.

If we quit, this place couldn't run.

They wouldn't be able to sell this place
for anything.

Well, that's why what we should do is,
is we should all go on strike,

demand stock in the company
before it sells.

If General Mills knew
that we were on strike,

they would not buy this place
until that strike was over.

See, that way, Joel and Brian
would have to give us stock.

Yeah. We should do it.
We should strike.

That's what I've been saying
this whole time.

We've gone through everything,

and the only way we would even
consider a settlement

would be to the tune of the number
you see on the bottom of Page 18.

Does everyone have this?


We don't have this kind of money,
not even close.

Not in cash, you don't. Of course not.

But if you were to sell off your assets,
the property lease, the equipment...

Are you... Are you shitting me?
This would bankrupt us.

This is what I've been trying
to tell you about, Joel.

If you think that I'm just going to give up

this entire company
that I've built from the ground up...

How about what my client gave up?

His testicles! How about that?

In fact, I'll make a deal with you.

We will drop this case right now

if you come over here
and put your testicles right here

and let me slam this door like this!

Go ahead. We can settle this right now.

Call it even.
I will drop this case right now

if you let me slam your balls
in this door,

because that's what happened
to my client!

Yep. Those are definitely the guys
from General Mills.

Now, you see that? That is
a negotiation going on right there.

That is definitely
what that looks like to me.

What are we going to do?
I got car payments.

They're going to take away my Geo.
They've done it before.

We got to act fast.
They could be about to close the deal.

Yeah, and leave us out in the cold.


Are we going to lose our jobs?

We very well could, Hector.

We need to do one of those walkouts.
That's what we need to do.

All right. Who's in? We need a show
of force. Come on! It's now or never!

Come on, people.

Let's go! Come on! Let's do this! Yeah!

MAN: Let's go.
WOMAN: Let's do it.


I will gladly come down on that price
if you go over there right now

and slam your testicles in that door...

I don't want to slam my testicles in
the door. I want you to be reasonable.

- You won't even budge one penny?
- Like I said, if you slam your...

I'll slam your balls in that door!

I'm sorry. Did you just threaten me?

- Why don't you give it a rest?
- We need to cool off for just a minute.

We'll be right back.

I don't need this. I'm going home.

Yeah, what?


Um, what's up, Joel?

Basically, we were...
We were thinking...

We were just thinking...
Well, Rory had initially pointed out

that you guys are doing this deal
with General Mills,

and we just think that...
Well, we were considering the idea...

We think that maybe
we should get a piece of it.

And, you know,
so what we decided is...

What everybody has decided is
that if we don't,

then what we're gonna do is,
we're gonna...

Hang on. You want a piece? Right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, if we could.

How about the whole
goddamn company?

- Sure.
- JOEL: You got it!

Everybody gets the whole place!

You guys run it, okay?
Everybody's in charge.

As of now. In fact, you guys can pay for
the new conveyor belt and the lawsuit.

You can go meet with Adler, okay?

He might slam your balls in the door,
but at least you'll be the boss. Okay?




So, was that good, or...


I was going to say more,
but you interrupted me, and I...

MAN: Our lunch buffet features
all the food you love at a great...

ANNO UNCER 1: Vandella
will make the turn, he moves to second.

He's got himself a double.
Big turn at second.

He throws on the brakes.
He'll stay there.

ANNO UNCER 2: Well, he just
turned on that pitch. What can we say?

I think four innings
is all Berot can handle,

and he hasn't handled
the fourth inning. With two doubles...

Listen, Joel,
I need to tell you something.

You've been really busy at the factory
for the last couple years,

and ever since
I started working at home,

it seems like, I don't know,
maybe I just wasn't feeling

- as pretty as I used to feel, and I just...
- You banged the pool cleaner.

- What?
- Is that what you're trying to tell me?

You had sex with Brad.

- You knew?
- Yeah, I knew. I hired him.

Yeah, I know you hired him,
but how did you know that...

I didn't hire him to clean the pool.
I hired him to have sex with you.


Wait... Why?

I hired him to have an affair with you,

because I wanted to have an affair
and not feel guilty,

but I was very, very drunk, and I was
on some kind of a horse tranquilizer.

Brad was getting paid?
You paid Brad this whole time?

All 15 times?


- Yes.
- Jesus Christ.

Has it even been 15 days?

How can you even sit down?

Wait, you wanted to have an affair
with another woman?

Um, yes, but I didn't.

Why didn't you just talk to me about it?

I was going to, but, you know,

Dean, you know, he gave me some pill.

God, you asshole.

- I'm the asshole?
- Yes! I'm leaving.

Suzie, technically
I didn't even do anything.

You could've just said,
"No, thanks, just clean the pool."

None of this would've happened
if you hadn't hired him.

Hey, guys. Glad I caught you.

You guys hardly ever answer the door.

- Now's not a really good time.
- I'm leaving.

When do you think
would be a good time, you think?

I don't know. I don't know.

- See, the thing is...
- How about tomorrow?

- You want to come by tomorrow?
- Great.

- Okay?
- What time?

I don't know. Just sometime tomorrow
would be great.

Okay, great. So, if you could go and
have that check, that would be great.

- It's 110.
- Okay.

- That's two plates at $55 a plate.
- Okay, okay.

- I'm going to close this.
- Okay.


- Joel?
- Hi.

Hey, what...
How did you know that I was here?

I'm actually staying here, too.
I thought I saw you, so...

Come in. Sorry.

Do you want something to drink?
I have soda.

No, thanks.

Listen, I am so sorry
about what happened with Willie.

He gets crazy.
That's why I had to move out,

so, have a seat.

- That's Mary's purse, right?
- Huh?

Right there. That's Mary's purse, right?

Uh, no, that's my bag. So, wait. How are
things at work? How is everybody?

This is Mary's purse, and you stole it.

Am I right?

Joel, that's my bag.
It probably just looks like hers.

You know,
there's a lot of them out there.

I have never seen another one.

Or another teddy in a fucking tutu.

- Now, what are you doing with Step?
- Huh?

You're the only reason
that he's suing this company, right?

Do you have any idea how much work
I put into building up that company?

Do you have any clue? Do you care?

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna take this.

If it really is your bag,
you can call the police,

you can tell them that I stole it.
All right?

On second thought,
I'm gonna call them right now

and I'm gonna tell them
that you stole it.

- Joel, please don't.
- Why?

Joel, please don't call the police.
I'm on probation,

and I will go to jail for a really long time.

Well, maybe you should have
thought about that

before you started
ripping off my employees.

Joel, please? Listen, I promise you

I will leave Step alone
and he will drop the lawsuit.

How do I know that?

You can keep the bag.

If I don't leave Step alone,
if he doesn't drop the lawsuit,

then you can turn me in.

Yeah, that...
And Sylvia's wallet and Jim's watch?

You got those? Can I have those, too?

I guess that works. I mean, great.

I bet you weren't even
into food flavoring, were you?


What is your deal?
How do you end up like this?



Hey? This is what I'm talking about.

This manipulation here with the tears.
I'm not gonna fall for that.

Forget it.

You better not be faking it, okay,
because I'm actually feeling bad.


Are you faking it?

Well, I'm sorry. You know, I just...
You know, I just...

I was just curious about
how somebody ends up like this.

All right. Just...


Very sorry. Okay? Don't worry about it.

I just thought I'd just ask how a...

Cindy? Cindy?


(SIN GIN G) Who were you thinking of
when we were making love last night?

Was it a good-looking stranger
or a close friend of mine?

You didn't want to quit
when we was into it last night

Joel hasn't been in all morning.
Can you believe that?

If we come in late, we get in trouble.



And Hector didn't steal it. Cindy did.

Can you believe that?

Blaming Cindy just to protect Hector.

We really do need to go
to the grocery store, Step.

You heard from Cindy lately?

It's been over three days
since she borrowed your truck.

Maybe we ought to call the cops
or something...

Look, she'll be back, all right?
She wouldn't steal my truck.


That's the last bottle of Pepsi.

Maybe I'll just call Domino's
and have them deliver some Pepsi.

Still, if she didn't steal your truck

and she didn't get into an accident,
what do you reckon...

Shut up about Cindy, already,
before I kick your fat ass!

WO MAN: Domino's.
Hello, Mr. Wilkinson.


- BRIAN: Hey.
- Hey, Brian.

Step's here to see you.

Is he? Great. Bring him in.

He's outside at the loading dock.

He wants to talk to you alone out there
for some reason. You know?

Man to man.

I'm sick and tired of dealing
with that Adler fellow.

Truth is, I just want my old life back.
I just wanna get back to work.

You know? I'm a working man.
That's what I do.

The problem is,
if I bankrupt the company,

there won't be a job for me
to go back to.

You don't have to bankrupt
the company.

Well, if I drop the lawsuit,
you'll sell the company,

and the new company, well, who'd
want to hire somebody with one ball?

Well, you know, listen, I don't think
they're actually allowed to ask,

so you're okay.

You know, I'm a working man, too,
Step. You know?

I make extract. That's what I do.
You know? Vanilla.

Cherry. Root beer. S'mores.

And a lot of people don't think that
that's very cool,

but I think that it is pretty cool, so,

why would I want to sell this place?

I think that I just got distracted
with Dean and the drugs

and the gigolos and...

You know, what I'm saying is
that I'm thinking about maybe

not selling the company.

That is, if there isn't a lawsuit.

There is going to be
that insurance money, Step,

so what do you think?

Yeah, that sounds fair to me.

But under one condition.

What's that?

You make me floor manager.


Hold the line!


Thank you.


Everybody gather around! Listen up!

Okay. First of all, I want to say that
I've decided not to sell the company.

All right?

And, secondly, I'm making Step here
the new floor manager.

Anybody doesn't like that,
I hear they're hiring over at GemCo.

Remember, though, at GemCo,
the owner doesn't know your names.

You'll probably never even meet him.

He's, like,
in some corporate office somewhere.

Here, you know, I'm just upstairs.

You can come up there and you can
tell me if you got a problem, okay?

That's all. Okay?

Step, the floor is yours.


You're not selling?


I'm not selling.

You better start learning
their names, Brian.


- You just go off to work and do...
- Yeah.

Hey! You two get back to work!
Quit your yapping.


Hey, man.

Look, I know you probably
want to kick my ass.

I just wanted to tell you that
I'm not gonna see Suzie anymore,

so you don't have to worry.

She's really into you, dude.

I guess that's why
she married you and shit.


You're a really lucky guy,
and I'm sorry if I messed shit up.

Why'd you have to get hung up
on Suzie?

You could have any girl you want.

Yeah, but I want Suzie.
I can't have her.

You had her 15 times.

Well, yeah.

But she doesn't love me, dude.
It's just not the same.

- Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that.
- All right. You told me.

All right. Later.

Hey, so, I was wondering,
I quit my landscaping job,

and I don't really think I'm cut out
for the whole gigolo thing.

You know? So, do you think
you might have, like, an opening

or whatever at the extract plant?

I'm not going to give you a job. Okay?

Yeah. Sorry.

Or just come by the office
and fill out an application.

I'll see what I can do, okay?

Cool. Thanks, man.

There he goes.

Johnny Horse-cock. Rolling.

You know, I'm starting to think
this might have been a mistake.

- Really?
- Maybe it was my fault, you know?

- Maybe it was your fault.
- No, it's yours.

A lot of blame to go around here.

I think there are some people
who just aren't meant to do drugs, Joel.

I think you're one of those people, man.



Why are you cleaning
the pool yourself?

New guy didn't work out?

Yeah, no, didn't work out.

Boy, it's just hard
to get good help, huh?



Hey. Did you get a chance
to write that check?

Nathan, Joel and I are not going
to that dinner. Okay?

Gee, I wish you would have told me that
before I went and bought those tickets.

Joel never agreed to it,
and neither did I.

Well, it sure sounded like
you guys were coming.

I mean, Leslie was going
to talk to you about it,

but you don't return our calls.

I mean, I already bought those tickets,
and they're non-refundable.

I really wish you guys had been
a little more clear with me.

Well, then,
let me be clear with you now.

When we say things like,
"I don't think so,"

or "I'm not sure,"

or we close the door in your face,
that means, "No."

Why can't you get that?

- Well, it...
- Shut up! Okay.

Let me be even more clear
with you, Nathan.

We don't like you.

Is that clear enough for you?

You're dull. You talk too much.
You never listen.

You're always in our yard.

I don't know what the hell
you're barbecuing over there,

but it stinks.

You lay out in your front yard
and listen to your car radio!

You are the worst neighbor
in the world.

We don't like you. Is that clear enough
for you, Nathan? Is that clear?

Shut up!


Nathan? Nathan?



- Hi.
- Hi.

Are you okay?

I think I might have killed him, Joel.

The last thing he heard was me
yelling at him to shut up.

Well, he did talk a lot.

Yeah. He was going on and on.
I finally lost it.

I'm sure it wasn't your fault.
Probably just a coincidence, you know.

I don't know. I just...
I still feel really guilty about it.

I actually told Leslie I would go
to that Rotary Club dinner tonight.

She said Nathan
would have wanted it that way.

I said I'd go to that, too.


So, who was this woman that you
wanted to have the affair with, anyway?

She was just some criminal drifter.

It wasn't that great.

You know, I thought that she was
really into food flavoring and...

- Really?
- Yeah, I should have known better.

Nobody's into food flavoring.

Well, I don't know.
I mean, you guys sell a lot of that stuff.

People are into it.

You should know, by the way,

I hired Brad.

Yeah, I know. You told me that,
remember? The whole...

No, sorry,
not for the sex thing or the pool.

I mean that I hired him for the factory.

Why? He's a total moron.

Yeah, I know.
This is going to sound kind of weird,

but I felt sorry for him.

Yeah. So did I.

Well, my car's over here, so,

I guess I'll see you at the Rotary Club?

Yeah, I'll see you there.


Should we maybe just take one car?

Yeah. We probably should.


I thought that was
a surprisingly tasteful funeral.

JOEL: Yes, it was. You know, when
I was looking down on him, I thought,

"This might be the longest
I've ever seen him with his mouth shut."

SUZIE: Yeah. I didn't expect
that many mourners.

There were a lot of people there.

JOEL: Yeah.

(SIN GIN G) You have been
a friend of mine, rainy day woman

That woman of mine, she ain't happy

Till she finds something wrong
and someone to blame

If it ain't one thing,
it's another one on the way


Hey. You've reached Cindy.

I'm not here, so leave a message.

Where the hell is she?

How long does it take to get some
goddamned cigarettes around here?

VALET: Here you are, sir.

JOE: What the fuck?

Oh, rainy day woman

I've never seem to see you for
the good times or the sunshine

You have been a friend of mine,
rainy day woman


Special thanks to SergeiK.