Fired Up! Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Fired Up! script is here for all you fans of the cheerleading comedy. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Fired Up! quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Fired Up! Script


Did you feel that too?

- What?  - Your stomach.

It's like butterflies.

My mom said when I met the right girl, I'd feel butterflies.

I think I'm ready.

Can you believe him?

He falls so easily.

I'm a little more guarded.

I guess it's because I've been hurt before.

I'll never hurt you.

- My dad.  - My dad.

- You guys are sisters?  - Our dads are friends.

They went to the gym. They're muscle-heads.

Your best bet is to curl into a ball until they stop beating you.

I'm telling you this because I think I might love you.

What's our play?

Run for the window. I'll get the car keys. Y formation, dog-leg left.

- Ready, break.  - Break.

We should wait two days before we call them.

You've gotta be kidding me.

Do you think they have any concept of how fast a car can go?

Reverse kitty cat, dog-leg left, over the fence, on my count, break.

- Hey, I'm Nick.  - Shawn. Can we use your pool?

Come on, Tigers. Yeah!

Split Johnny left! Split Johnny left!

Come on! Come on, guys! Set. Hike.

Yeah! Yeah! All day. All day. Candy from a baby.

- What do you wanna do?  - That brunette. Third row.

Looks like she wouldn't mind St. Nick stuffed down her chimney.

No, I mean, the play, in the game.

- Come on, guys, focus.  - I've never been more focused.

Check it out, couple of meatloaves in that baby tee.

Not mad at that belly ring either.

Have you seen this blond? Rackety-rack, don't talk back.

Wonder if her carpet matches my drapes.

Delay of game, loss of five yards.

And just because it's a spring scrimmage... 

... doesn't mean you can shit yourselves out here. Go!

- Sorry, coach.  - Go, go, go. Come on, go, go.


Come on, crowd. Let's hear some noise

N-O-I-S-E Noise

God. See, look, we took too long.

Here come the wack-ass cheerleaders, man.

Noise, N-O-I-S-E Noise


- Well, I am pumped up.  - All right, what's the play?

Hold on a second, baby tee is signing me her number.

- Is that a seven? A five and a two?  - Any day now, shit buckets.

Guys, come on. I don't wanna run laps all afternoon. I have a shrink appointment.

Dude, your cousin stuck his finger in your ass. Get over it.

Oh man. They playing us loose. Let's get couple of short passes and get some extra yardage.

The hell with that, man. You either bet big or go home.

- You gotta risk it to get the biscuit.  - Aye, my brother.

All right. Pro-zoom trips, deep route, slant slim boogie on my count. Ready?


54s and Mike, watch that blitz.

Blue 17, set, hut.

Come on, Shawn.

Come on, baby. Yeah!

- Hey, I'm Nick.  - Shawn.

- Hey, Shawn.  - Hey, Maddy.

Thanks for helping me study Bio exam. I'm retarded about reverse osmosis.

No, you're not.

It's just pressure forcing a solvent through a membrane... 

... like when a water balloon gets too big and then explodes.

Got it. Thanks. You're so awesome.

No. Science is awesome.

And you're awesome. Now, go crush that test.

- Thanks.  - High five.

Nick. Hey, Nick.

- Name, name. I need a name.  - Jennifer.

- Jennifer, hi, how are you?  - I'm great. Really great.

- Are you going to the bonfire tonight?  - You know it.

I was just saying to Shawn here... 

... I cannot wait to go to the bonfire so I can hang out with... 

- Jennifer.  - Jennifer.

- I'll see you tonight.  - Okay, Jennifer.

- It's not that hard a name to remember.  - I went out with her last semester.

30 days the name gets erased to make room for new ones.

- There's like 3000 kids at this school.  - So, why can't you just remember more names?

I don't know how it works. Talk to Tech Support.

- There are my guys.  - Let's bet how many times... 

... he says "shit." I say seven.  - No way, 10.

- Hey, coach.  - Hey, coach.

You shitheads think you're the shit?

That you don't need to pay attention out there?

I'll kick the shit out of you. You pumped for football camp?

- I guess so.  - Yeah, two weeks without girls.

- Who wouldn't be pumped?  - Don't mess with me, shit-dick.

I am gonna push you like you've never been pushed before.

Your muscles will ache, your head will throb.

You'll get shit blood out of holes you never knew you had.

At least we're gonna be in Daytona Beach.

No. Change it up this year. Camp's gonna be in El Paso, Texas.

Hotter than your shithole.

We're gonna get you shits conditioned.

Bus leaves Monday at 0-shit-hundred hours.

- Which is?  - 4:45 a.m.

- Of course.  - The usual.

Skip your morning shit and get down here.

Ten "shits," you win. How do you always know?

It's a gift. I'm not proud of it.


Maybe I'll see you sometime this summer.

Don't be obvious. He knows you like him.

You guys coming to my dad's after camp?

- Hells, yeah. He gave it to you again?  - Nice.

He figures if he lets me have it one week... 

... I'll forgive him for not being there when I need him.

And guess what. He's right.

Did you hear football camp's gonna be in El Paso? How cool is that!

We gonna be sweating, hallucinating, our skin burning.

Like being on shrooms, but without girls to yell at us.

"Where's the car? Where's the car? I'm getting scared. Hold my purse."

- Two weeks, Shawn. Two weeks.  - I know.

Two weeks out of the best years of our lives.

Two weeks we're never gonna get back, like, ever.

I know.

So are you guys psyched for cheer camp or what?

It's, like, all I'm thinking about.

Know how Martin Luther King had a dream? Well, I do too.

To kick ass at cheer camp. And if that makes me shallow, then fine.

- Call me and Dr. King shallow.  - That doesn't make you shallow.

That makes you real.

We have got to do better than last year.

We could take a dump in our pants and still do better than last year.

- I'm just saying.  - But we're better this year.

And if we work hard, I think we have a real shot.

I don't know. There's gonna be 300 girls up there... 

... who want it just as much as we do.

- And who are much better than us.  - Three hundred girls.

Who want it just as much as we do.

And are much better than us.

Tell you what, man, that'd be the place to be.

Instead of sweating our balls off in the desert with Coach Shit-Shit.

- So let's go.  - What?

Let's go to cheer camp, be cheerleaders.

- Cheerleaders?  - Yes.

Oh, my god. Are you coming out to me?

I'm so proud of you, man.

And you know what, I kind of always knew.

Will you shut up. All right, I'm too straight to be gay.

I could suck knob and still be straight.

I could have one in my mouth and two in each hand... 

... and still win a straight award.  - All right.

Which is why I wanna go to cheer camp. Think about it, my friend.

Three hundred hotties we've never been with before.

I wonder if they let guys go to cheer camp.

Name, name. Give me a name.

- Carly. She's the captain.  - Hey, Carly.

Yeah, I know, it's the most beautiful name you've ever heard... 

... my eyes look like forever... 

... and you love every bone in my body, especially yours.

No, but that's good. Mind if I use it?

No, no. No lines.

We wanted to wish you good luck at cheer camp.

Sure, you do. I know your game. No girl left unturned.

- What?  - How dare you?

No. We just see how hard you ladies cheer out there... 

... and we really hope that you do good.

Yeah, do us proud, you know. Beat the skirts off those 300 other girls.

And guys? Are there guys there? Do guys go?

- What about guys?  - It's a good question.

There's girls and guys that go. I don't know if guys... 

Yes. The good teams are all co-ed.

That's interesting. I just didn't know that. I was just pondering.

Carly, come here. We're working on a new mount Bianca came up with.

- Yeah!  - Coming.

I'm gonna walk away backwards, so you guys don't talk about my ass.

Man, she's got nice lumps. Either one of us ever hit that?

I don't think so. I think she respects herself too much.


Who wants to deal with that drama?

So, what do you think about cheer camp?

- What do you mean, what do I think?  - Let's go.

- First of all, we're not cheerleaders.  - First of all, we're athletes, we can do anything.

Secondly, they don't just let anybody go. You've gotta be part of a squad.

Let's join a squad. How hard can this be?

A couple of flips, a pyramid.

Black sheep.

Three hundred honeys on our biscuits.

- I don't know, man. What about football camp?  - Screw football.

The only reason we started playing was to pull chicks.

You can't honestly tell me you enjoy running in blazing hot pads... 

... trying to catch a pass two seconds before some 2000-pound mongoloid... 

- ... crashes into your Nutter Butters.  - El Paso, here we come.

Not if it comes to us first!

Oh, shit.

- I'm on fire.  - Mookie!

- Water, water, water.  - I'll put you out.

I'm a hero.

Screw football. Let's go cheer.

Shawny Shawn!

We need to convince the squad they need us.

- Not gonna be easy.  - That's why we go to Poppy.

- I wish there was another way.  - There's not.

- But I wish there was.  - But there's not. We're here.

- I wish we weren't.  - But we are.

Hi, sis.

Why am I looking at you? Speak.

Poppy, you're getting so big now. How old are you?

I'm 60. Can we get past the small talk?

The only time you come to see me is when you need something.

What? Tug mags?

Mike's Hard Lemonade?

- Another ride to the clinic?  - Poppy.

No. We wanna go to that cheerleading camp you're going to.

Since you're killing on the JV squad and so advanced beyond your years... 

... we thought you'd get us up to speed.

Hey, buddy, you can piss on my face... 

... just don't tell me it's raining.

You guys have been through every girl at your school... 

... and you're looking for fresh muff.

Some itchy-itchy-nah-nah. Wall-to-wall carpet.

Okay, seriously, how old are you?

Tell you what, I'll teach you some basic cheerleader moves.

High V's, low V's, touchdown, baskets.

Don't the guys just throw the girls up and then catch them?

Pretty much. But I'll let you practice on me and tell you what they're called.

In exchange, I get Shawn's room.

- No.  - Done.

Those are my terms. Take them and get out.

- We'll take them.  - We'll get out. Dude, I've got my own bathroom.

Dude, after cheer camp, you won't even need your own bathroom.

What? What does that even mean?

Poppy, you got yourself a deal. Teach us, we go see Carly.

- Wrong, Gossip Girl.  - What?

Carly's not one of your humpety-hump football groupies.

She's much too smart to buy that you guys really wanna be cheerleaders.

Okay, so, what's the play?

- Here she comes, here she comes.  - Go, go. Get up there.

Oh, rats.

- We got our Frisbee stuck.  - How are we gonna get it down?

- Now we may need to go to space shuttle.  - That's what I'm thinking.

Good idea.

- Ready?  - Okay.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, grab, drop, catch.

- Great job.  - Go, buddy.

Do they always get so excited like that?

Oh, yeah! Haven't you ever seen them do their touchdown dances?

I mean, they flip all over the place. You'd think they were cheerleaders.

- No.  - You guys really like cheering?

What? That? That wasn't cheering, just goofing around.

But you nailed a perfect backward sponge and go cradle.

No. We just threw my sister up in the air to get our Frisbee.

It was either that or we get three ladders.

Oh, come on, guys.

You love cheering. Don't run from it. This is a safe place.

Yeah. I mean we kindo do. It's so much more athletic than football.

If it were up to us, we'd go with you ladies to cheer camp.

Yeah, but we're football meatheads.

We gotta march in lockstep to what society expects from us.

Don't tell anyone, okay? Totally ruin our rep.

- Yeah, we'll catch you later.  - Have a good summer.

We're gonna go watch a Bears' game on TV.

Go, Bears!

I'm supposed to believe that the biggest jocks in school... 

... all along really wanted to be cheerleaders?

Don't get caught up in the lockstep of society's expectations.

They tossed Poppy like 20 feet in the air.

Look, Carly, we don't have any muscle.

If you really wanna do better this year, they're our only hope.

Unless you guys wanna try steroids, which I'm totally open to.

- I'm just saying.  - I don't care. I don't trust those guys.

They're not coming. I'm the captain.

Miss Klingerhoff is the coach. Let's see what she thinks.

Oh! What a fantastic idea!

It's exactly what this squad needs to just push it over the top.

But Miss Klingerhoff, they have never done it before.

They don't know any of our cheers, and, come on, it's Nick and Shawn.

Don't judge a book by its cover, Carly.

You never really know what a book is about until you get to page 50.


- Wouldn't guess a page over 40.  - More like 35.

My chickens.

You come here, you.

All right. One down, one to go.

So what exactly are we gonna say to Coach Shit-For-Words to get out of football?

What every kid says to get out of everything he doesn't wanna do.

So not only do I find out yesterday I'm adopted... 

... the people I've called mom and dad are actually infertile imposters... 

... who bought me outside a meth clinic for two boxes of Sudafed... 

... but I also get this news dropped on me:

My birth father, Bruce... 

... well, he needs a kidney and I'm the only match.

And apparently Bruce needs it stat.

You need it stat, Bruce? Huh?

Or maybe I needed a father stat instead of the stay-at-home dad... 

... who showers me with love every day, this goddamn spermless liar!

So now I gotta be at Kaiser Permanente tomorrow at 6 a.m.

I know. Bruce couldn't even afford a real hospital.

Managed care. It's ironic, huh?

Never managed to care for me.

You shitting me?

Are you saying you can't go to camp?

Yeah, but don't make me say it, coach.

Because it's eating me up inside. It's eating me up.


- Cheer camp! Cheer camp!  - One, two.

Cheer camp! One, two.

You might have everyone else fooled, but not me.

Well, if being a fool for cheering is wrong... 

... then I don't wanna be right.

You might wanna dial back your bullshit with her.

She seems pretty with-it.

That's a great note. Thanks.

We're so psyched you're here.

- Yeah, us too. Oh, yeah.  - Me too, yeah, yeah.

Don't worry about Carly.

- She's really into cheering.  - No worries.

We are driving. We, we are driving.

We are driving. We, we are driving.

We like driving. We, we like driving.

We like driving. We, we like driving.

- We are eating.  - We, we are eating.

We are driving again. We are driving.

We are driving again. We are driving.

- How long does this go on for?  - The whole way.

Just wait till their cycles match up. You'll miss these days.

We can't believe we're gonna miss Mookie's dad's house.

Oh, buddy, we are not missing Mookie's dad's house.

Yeah. This thing is three weeks long.

Not for us, it isn't. We hook up like maniacs, we bail in two.

That's probably gonna piss some people off.

Yeah, to make an omelet, you gotta break some eggs.

Grated cheese, slice some mushrooms, salt, pepper, don't over-beat the egg.

We are driving again. We are driving.

We are driving again. We are driving.

We are driving again. We are driving.


I should say so, handsy. At least buy me dinner first.

Very funny.

All right, now you're just taking advantage of me.

We are here. We, we are here.

I think we made a big mistake, Shawnzy.

We may have screwed the pooch on this one.

Or maybe the pooch is gonna screw us.

Sweet Mary in a D-cup.

I think our bus crashed and we're in heaven.

No. We would've heard:

"We are crashing. We, we are crashing."

Let's go see how warm the water is.

- Hi. Do I know you?  - I don't think so.

Well, I'm Nick. I'm new this year. Maybe you could show me around.

- Who's this?  - Nick. He's new this year.

This is my budy Shawn, also new, needs showing around.

- If it's not too much trouble.  - Guys, you gotta check in.

- Okay, coming.  - Okay, coming.

Well, it was very nice meeting both of you. Hope we see you around camp.

- I'm gonna put a bookmark between you.  - That way we know where we left off.

Hi. What squad are you on?

Diora. I believe that's Italiano for "beautiful princess".

- No.  - Well, it should be.

- I'm calling the dictionary people.  - What squad are you on?

The Tigers, Gerald R. Ford High.

Below-average president, above-average student body.

So, what are you doing later?

Not you.

What about accents? You like Aussies?

You wanna wear my leather hat?

Mascots, I'll be checking you in in 10 minutes at the mascot table.

- Why are you still here?  - You like canopy beds?

The last bus from Bitchville just pulled in.

- Who's that?  - The Panthers.

They always come in first and they don't let anyone forget it.

You guys came back. I think that's so brave.

I just hope one day there's a special cheer camp... 

... where squads like yours really have a shot.

- Shut up.  - Truth hurts.

- Your face is gonna hurt.  - Does your face hurt... 

- ... when you stuff it with pie?  - You wish you had my body image.

I'm healthy. Unlike you, Skeletor.

We're a different team this year, Gwyneth.

Meet our new squad members.

I'm Nick. This is Shawn.

Hi. Great to meet you.

So you got a little sausage in your soup this year. BFD.

- See you on the cheer field.  - It's that big chunk of grass... 

... you come in last on, every year.

Panthers out.

Panthers out?

What are they, a knife gang?

- God, I hate them.  - I think they're kind of cool.

I'm just saying.

Hey. I'm Nick. This is Shawn.

I'm Brewster.

Not my real name.

My parents named me Jack.

Jack, so strong, so masculine. We get it. You wanted a boy.

My name's Jack. I punch bad guys, and I kiss girls.

- Save it.  - Okay.

Now, just a quick FY informacion, I'm kind of a neat freak... 

... so we'll get along great if you just keep your area clean.

And by "area", you mean?

- Your bunks.  - Okay.

I can't stand clutter. That's why we left Calcutta.

Well, that and my dad took a job with United Airlines.

So tell you what. Your jobs aren't just going over there, sailor.

Some of us are coming over here. The world is flat like a son of a bitch.

You're giving us a lot to process here.

Hey, what's up, guys? I'm Adam.

What's up, man? Hey, I'm Nick. This is Shawn.

Well, welcome, welcome.

- Is that your girlfriend?  - Yeah.

That's Jody. We've been cheering together since we were 5.

So you take this seriously?

I wanna be the first person in my family to go to college on a cheer scholarship.

Good luck, man. I hope you break the cycle.

- Thanks, man.  - Cool.

What's up, Eagle?

Mascots don't talk. They just gesture.

- Even in their bunks?  - The whole time, baby girl.

It's total immersion.

Hey, guys! Can someone help me with my stuff?

I got a huge bag of footballs, beer, Xbox games.

Let's get this party started.

Finally, a kindred spirit. All right. I'm Nick. This is Shawn.

- I'm Downey.  - What's up? Nice to meet you.

Downey. Downey. All right, so break it down for us.

How great is this place?

- It's sick, dude.  - Sweet. Right there.

The coaches are amazing. By the end, your cheering's gonna be off the charts.

- My cheering's gonna be off the charts.  - I guess that's a good thing.

What about the ladies? Right? Tell me about the ladies.

Oh, yeah, totally.

Their cheering gets better too. They see real progress.

What the?

Wow, look at them all, dude. In rows. It's like the hot-chick produce aisle.

I don't even know where to start.

Do we go from tall to short or blond to redhead?

Maybe just iPod-shuffle mode.

This is why I'd never wanna be president. Ther're just too many decisions.

Don't worry, I don't think that's in the cards for you.

You say that now, but George W. was a cheerleader at Yale.

I bet he never thought he'd be president... 

... when he was snorting coke through his skull and bones at a New Haven titty bar.

You just never know, Shawnzy.

And that is what makes America great. Any idiot can be president.

- Let's hear some noise over here!  - Noise over here!

- Let's hear some noise over here!  - Noise over here!

- Are you fired up?  - We're fired up!

- Are you fired up?  - We're fired up!

- How do you spell "fired up"?  - F-U!

Not really.

- How do you spell "fired up"?  - F-U!

- What's that spell?  - Fired up!

- Not really that way either.  - Nope.

Damn straight F-U. You're at university now.

Fired Up University.

Cheer college, my friends. None of this high school stuff for you.

You got three weeks. We're gonna take it right to the top to F-U.

- F-U!  - F-U!

How do you do? My name is Coach Keith. I'm the skipper of this spirit ship.

As many of you know, I was the very first male cheerleader ever

to compete at the Nationals.

I was born cheering.

My mother swears the first thing out of her what's it

was a little pair of baby hands doing spirit fingers.

That's a joke, but it really happened.

It is now my absolute pleasure

to introduce to you your head counselor

and my super-sexy handsome wife, Diora. Let's bring her out here.

- What? Did he say wife?  - No, he couldn't have.

Welcome, everyone.

For the next three weeks, you'll train with me and the other coaches

and then compete in a tournament

with the top teams going on to the State Finals.

So that would be the Panthers and two other teams.

- Oh, me, me, me.  - Yes, ma'am, right here.

I heard that there was this really hard move called the Fountain of Troy

that some team did at the worlds.

Are we gonna learn that?

Sure, I'll teach you how to do the Fountain of Troy.

Then I'll teach you to put makeup on a bear!

Absolutely not.

Not only is that move nearly impossible to execute, it's extremely dangerous.

That move is prohibidado.

- Prohibi what?  - Prohibidado.

And I say that in Spanish because that's how exotic and not-allowed it is.

You can't even say "Fountain of Troy" at this cheer camp.

- Go ahead and say it.  - Fountain of Tr... !

Stop it. What are you doing? This isn't a game.

I'm not playing around up here.


It's just a joke. First week of cheer camp.

Lighten things up.

Have a good time. Everybody say it, "Fountain of Troy."

- Fountain of Tr... !  - Oh, my dear Lord! Oh, gosh, shut up!

He's lost his mind.

Stop it! Stop it! Nobody does the Fountain of Troy at this cheer camp.

Now, let's all hit the bunks and get a good night's sleep.

Welcome to cheer camp.


Dibs, dibs. Dibs on the blond with the butterfly tattoo.

Dibs on that. I'd like that. Tell me who it is.

- This is Lanie Brown.  - Lanie Brown.

She likes skiing, hip-hop and playing with her cat, Sir Pembleton.

- Sir Pembleton? You serious?  - I know, I'm not kidding.

I'm gonna write her name in my book in no time.

Can't believe you document your conquests.

My family owns a payroll company. Love records.

- It's just weird.  - Tell it to our dog, Fica.

Oh, hey, Carly.

What's up, Tigers?

- Hey.  - Going to take a shower?

Yeah. I had my hand in some kid's mouth this morning.

Good idea. I know where it's been.

And if I don't get some flesh-eating virus from that.

I probably will after I take a shower barefoot.

- I forgot to pack my flip-flops.  - Sucks! See you later.

Oh, here. Take mine.

- I brought two pair.  - Really?

Yeah. No problem. We're teammates.


- Bye.  - See you later.

Bro, what did I tell you? No hooking up with girls from our school.

- I was just being nice.  - I don't care, man.

You know where nice leads.

Do not poop where you eat, remember?

That's why there are no restaurants called the Bathroom.

There are bathrooms at restaurants.

I was using a metaphor, Shawn.

It is crazy that people think that you're the smart one.

What's up, ladies?


You wanna borrow some flip-flops? All right, see you later.

Welcome to day one, everybody. Let's start with a warm-up run.

God, she's such a fox. I guarantee I'm gonna tap that before we leave.

Dude, she's married, and like 30 years old.

That's just how I like them, ancient and regretful.

Yeah. Take it easy on the dove bars.

- Ready, Shawnzy?  - Sure, I am, Nicholai.

New guys, move them.

I always knew there was something else I should be doing.

You know, like there was something more.

Something more inside me.

I guess you could say I had a cheer waiting to get out.

And now, well, I live to cheer.

And I cheer to live.

I looked that little kitten in the eyes

and I knew I had to take her home.

And now, Sniffles, that's who I tell my secrets to.

My grandmother was a cheerleader.

It was what she loved most in the world.

So when she died, I just picked up the family pom-poms.

This is weird. I don't usually open up like this.

It's weird. I don't usually open up like this.


I love every bone in your body.

Especially mine?


Tigers can't be beat. Get up on your feet

Tigers can't be beat

Is it my imagination, or do they not completely, totally suck?

It's your imagination.

Now go imagine me a bottle of water.


The French say a day moon brings good luck to whoever sees it.

They also say 8-year-olds should drink wine.

And if it's a crescent moon, it'll bring good luck for a week.

What is it now?

I'm jogging with the captain of the best squad, so I'd say it's pretty crescent.

- Race you.  - Cheering isn't a race.

- This isn't football.  - There's a competition at the end.

Yeah, you're right. On your mark, get set.

Oh, she cheats. I like it.


Leafy greens? Kale? Jicama?

And sprouts?

That's the only thing that sucks about cheer camp.

The sacrifices I make for ass.

Remember when I pretended to be into Nickelback for that chick?

- God, they suck.  - So did she. Up top.

Dude, I am not gonna high-five you for a beejer you got a year ago.

That doesn't count. No.

- Poppy.  - Hi, sis.

Guys looking to go off-menu?

I got Kit Kats, Snickers, and German sweet tarts.

Wipes out the taste of every other candy.

I'll take everything you got.

Not here, Shawshank. The screws are watching.

Put it in the sycamore tree out back.

- Where's our candy gonna be?  - Check your pockets.

I know. She's got the shine.

Oh, my God, this is so good.

Yeah, it is.



God, it is you.

The way the moonlight caught your cheek

for a second there, I thought you were an angel.

Nope, just the head counselor who decides

whether or not to make you run laps all tomorrow.

God, I love it, huh?

A little back and forth, witty repartee, Hepburn and Tracy.

I'm not 16, kiddo. Run along and play.

Still with the witty repartee, that's terrific.

- You win this round, Miss Tracy.  - Hepburn was the girl.

Ding, ding. Knockout.

It shouldn't be this hard, she's like 100 years old.

- Shawn. Got a second?  - Yeah. Sure.

Some of the girls have been talking about you and Nick.

Don't believe anything anyone says.

They've been saying they think this is the best the team has ever been.

Well, that you can believe.

I just wanted to say thanks.

You guys have been a big help.

Especially you.


It's nice to know that when I get tossed, you're gonna be there to catch me.

I mean, not that Bianca wasn't good.

It's just, I don't know. You feel right.

I like it too. You're like a home-run ball.

Fifteen-inch brown trout. A mild cold. Double feature.

I get it. Things that you catch. Shut up.

I know at the beginning

I may have been against you two joining the squad.

I believe you called us "godless douche-monsters."

Actually, It was "soulless beav-wranglers."

Well, that's better. I totally misunderstood you.

Hey, I'm trying to apologize here.

No need. And accepted.


You'd think as a cheerleader I would be a little more graceful.

I like you clumsy. It's like I'm looking behind the curtain.




- Who's the face-eater?  - Guys, come meet my boyfriend.

- What is with that car?  - Maybe he won an LPGA tournament.

I missed you.

Me too. Definitely.

Guys, this is my boyfriend.

- Pre-fiance, actually.  - These are the guys I told you about.

- Nick and Shawn.  - What's up, guys? I'm Dr. Rick.



Aren't you a little young to be a doctor?

- He's pre-med.  - Then why call yourself "doctor"?

Why put off the inevitable?

You should get that mole checked out.

I'd do it myself, but I don't have my bag on me.

Your book bag?

- How'd you two crazy kids meet, Rick?  - It's a funny story, actually.

Our parents knew each other from way back, and they introduced us.

- Not that funny a story. Not really even a story. Just like a fact.  - Yeah.

We've been going out since I was a sophomore.

We should hit it, Carly. I told the guys we'd be done dinner in 45.

- The guys are with you?  - It was a long-ass drive, babe.

You didn't want me falling asleep at the wheel, did you?

No, I'm glad you made it.

Yeah, you're glad. I got a rezzy at Red Lobster.

We've got a booth in the back behind a plant.

So no one can see how much we're all-you-can-eating.

If you know what I'm saying, boys.

Okay. Oh, Shawn. I have something for you.

Sweet deal you kids got going on here.

Wish I could hang out, play all summer.

I'm just a little busy picking my specialty.

Specialty? You're a freshman.

Your specialty should be putting a cow in the dean's office.

Animal House reference. Love it!

My mom sent mine, so I don't need yours anymore.

- Thanks.  - Sure.

And, chief. Next time, if my girl needs something, she can borrow it from me.

Rick, he was just being nice.

Those feet look pretty small. What are they, a seven?

Ten and a half, papo.

Eleven in Crocs.

What's the name of that girl who was 5'7", blond hair, blue eyes?

She's like a dragon. Reminds me of Christmas.

It's Carols, Care-holes, Car...  Caroline. Caroline.

I'm running out of ink. You got a pen?

Mopey, I'm talking to you here.

You been sitting out here staring into space for two hours.

- It's been five minutes.  - Really? That was five minutes?

Guess I really do suck in bed.

Get it? Like I think I'm Sting, and in all reality... 

... l'm like Chad Michael Murray douching it out in five minutes.

- What's wrong?  - Nothing.

- Come on, tell me.  - It's nothing.

- Tell me.  - It's nothing.

Tell me. Tell me, tell me, tell me... 

- Nick.  - Sorry.

- Tell me?  - Carly's boyfriend's a real schwanz.

Dude, you like her. I knew it. I knew you liked her.

- So? It's no big deal.  - No big deal?

She's on our squad. You're gonna ruin everything.

Why you gotta do this, huh? Why you gotta take a leak all over my dreams?

Why you lay a hot toddy all over my hopes?

- You're being a little dramatic.  - Well, I have never.

What makes this girl so great, bro?

Yeah. What makes this girl so great, bro?

I don't know. There's just something about her.

You know when she bumped into me on the bus?

Or when I saw her reading that book. That she orders pudding for dessert.

Okay, now you're just listing things that people do.

No, I'm not.

- Sometimes she writes with a pencil.  - So much worse than I thought.

You're really into this girl.

- No, I'm not.  - Yes, you are.

Why is she with that knob-rocket?

Enough already. You're even depressing me, and I'm a Virgo.

We have got to cheer you up.

I'm two steps ahead of you, my man.

All right, gentlemen, saddle up.

Listen, ladies, I couldn't help but notice... 

... you were practicing your lifts on dry ground.

Well, where else would we practice?

The pond. That's where the top teams do. Water resistance, better training.

Why do you think octopuses have skinny arms?

That sounds like a good idea.

We can't. Our swimsuits are all the way back at the bunks.

We could just go in our underwear. I mean, that's all swimsuits are.

It's gonna be dark soon anyway, so no one would see us.

I never thought about it like that, but I guess you're right.

Look at that. We're all here thinking inside the box... 

... and you're outside playing a game of "What lf? "

Gorgeous and brilliant. The triple threat.

And we're off. Gentlemen, ladies.

Adam, you've done enough working out. Let's go.

Oh, there it is.

I am so excited.

I have not been skinny dipping since Indian Scouts.

Nobody look.


We're leaving our underwear on. We talked about this, remember?

You talked. I listened.

Paint the fence. Cutting the cake. Hangman's noose. Hangman's noose.


Misjudged the depth. It's all good. Learn from me.

This feels great.

It's the water resistance. It helps strengthen.

It's twice the compound, half the measure... 

- ... and if you equivalate that to...   - Nick. Enough of that.

- Enough of what?  - Drop the game.

There are 300 girls at this camp and only four straight guys.

It's no mystery why you're ripping through the place. So come on.

Come on.

Tick tock.

Oh, all right.

You're next.


- Where are our clothes?  - We left them right here.

I know. That's why I'm saying, "Where are our clothes? "

I'm blazing a trail. I'm blazing a trail.

See you guys.

- Okay, have a great Thanksgiving.  - What?

I don't know, I'm cold.

- I'm cold and I'm flailing.  - I know, I know.

How are you not flailing?

I'm flailing. I too am also flailing.

- So how was she?  - How was who?

- The blond you were making time with.  - I wasn't.

We just talked. She's really nice. Her grandmother's from Cincinnati.

She helped me on my crossover basket launches.

I can't believe how high my extensions are.

I don't know who you are anymore.


What are you doing? It's way past curfew.

We were just... 


- Yeah.  - AI dente?

Yeah. We like to do cheers in the nude so that they really sink in.

That way our bodies learn it as well as our minds.

That's very Alvin Ailey of you. I like it.

- Proceed.  - Proceed with what, running away?

No, with the cheer, you goose.

Don't you wanna wait for another coach? Or a witness?

Five, six, seven, eight.

- Ready?  - Okay.

Hey, Tigers!

- Yeah?  - Hey, Tigers!

Yeah? What do we like to eat? Panther meat

I said, hey, Tigers!

- Yeah?  - Hey, Tigers!

Yeah? What do we like to do? Defeat

- Dude, your crankshaft.  - Two.

Orange, black and white unite

Tigers, Tigers, fight, fight, fight!


Your counts are off, your spacing is insane... 

... and your moves sloppier than a kiss from a midshipman.

- What?  - Take it from the top. Positions.

Parallel positions!

Five, six, seven, eight.

Go bananas go, go bananas

Go bananas go, go bananas

You can put me down now.

Oh, can I?

You jerk.


Oh, look.

- What are they doing?  - It's the Fountain of Troy.

I thought that move was prohibidimabido.

- My face!  - It's okay, it's okay.

What'd I tell you about that Fountain of Troy?

Look, you broke her face.

Where am I gonna get another one of those this late in the day?

Someone call a doctor!

Damn, I wish Rick were here.

Why, so he could ask someone to call a doctor?

Ever been to a cheerleading competition?

Oh, you mean like a football game?

No, not a game. Those are like practices for us.

I'm talking about a tournament.

ESPN cameras all around. Hundreds of people in crowds cheering.

Wait. People cheering cheerleaders?

You should be in the movies.

You're hotter than all of these cheerleaders rolled together.

Cheerleaders rolled together.

I gotta take a Louis Leakey.

Listen, you, don't get any cuter while I'm gone. I'm serious.

And let me give you a little tip from a cheerleader.

Be aggressive B-E aggressive

Where's that Jesse Bradford boy? I love him. No, seriously.

Seriously. I love him.

I gotta be honest with you, man.

I don't think I'm into all this hooking up anymore.

- It feels wrong.  - Yeah, it's supposed to feel wrong.

No, I mean, I feel guilty.

I don't know what you're saying. Milty? Wilty?

Something's not right.

- Tilty?  - I've never felt this way before.


Is that Dr. Rick?

Awesome song.

Dude, these local chicks are so easy. It's like banging fish in a barrel.

That Gina was a freak. I've got bite marks all over my badonkadonk.

Or was that Aubrey? Whichever one smells like lavender.

I got that stuff all over me.

One of you smell my rod, will you?

Jesus. This guy's a dick.

I don't get why you came here. You don't even like Carly.

I told you, man. Our parents are old friends... 

which means they approve of her, they give me anything I want... 

including this sick 3-series Beemer, with nav 

that drove your fat ass up here.

Rock it.

Why you gotta take a shot at my weight?

You know I'm working on it.

He's just using her.

And he likes to get bit in the badonkadonk, that sick bastard.

I gotta tell her.

- Yeah, no, buddy. Don't tell her.  - No, I have to.

No, no, you really don't.

Yeah, I kind of do.

It's pretty obvious right here you gonna go against everything I stand for... 

and poop where you eat, so at least let me help you take that poop, okay?

Trust me, bro, don't tell her.

Why? She needs to find out what kind of guy he really is.

If you tell her, you'll be the guy who told her her boyfriend is cheating.

- Yeah?  - Bro, that's all you're ever gonna be.

Best-case scenario, she looks at you as a girlfriend.

Worst-case scenario, she's pissed at you for poking in her business.

Either way, you're not poking in her business.

You marinate with that.

- I hear you. That's good advice.  - It is good advice.

- Thanks.  - That's what friends are for.

- Are you good?  - I'm good.


Hey, Carly. There's something I have to tell you. Carly!

I was wondering where you were.

I was looking for you too. But you go first. What's up?

I was just wondering about the moon.

I mean, is it still crescent or a half-moon?

What the French have to say about it?

I'm an idiot.

No. No, it's a waxing crescent moon tonight, and you're not an idiot.

Unless you don't know what "waxing" means.

I'm a cheerleader, I know what "waxing" means.

- Carly horse.  - Rick.

- That's what he calls you?  - Yeah. He means it cute.

- What's up, high school?  - You smell like lavender.


We're learning about the effects of lavender therapy... 

... on type-two carcinoma patients.

How's that working out? Anyone go into remission after smelling a flower?

All right, you caught me, man.

- I picked you some flowers, Carly.  - That is so sweet. Where are they?

I made a special wish on them and threw them into the sky.

That is so romantic.

We should hit it, Carlito's Way. I told the guys I'd be done with dinner in 40.

I'll see you at practice?

Shawn here is a great leather-basket tosser.

What a great trick.

Not as good as yours.

I'll see you tomorrow, Shawn.

- Awesome date.  - I'll see you at the competition?

I wouldn't miss it for the world.


I like you a lot, Carles Barkley. You're one of the good ones, babe.

You know what reminds me of the better times?

Before Carly started hanging out with those two little suck-buckets.

Something's up with them.

Wanna stay and do some digging?

Big-time. You know why?

Awesome song. Chumbawamba. It's the soundtrack to my life, man.

Three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Go, Tigers!

Cradle. One, two.

Great job, guys. Let's take a little water break.

Are my hips rotating too late before the final toss?

I wasn't gonna say anything, but you gotta rotate and then catch.

Rotate, then catch.

- We're out of water.  - We need two volunteers to refill the cooler.

- I'll go.  - Me too.

Dude, don't go. Hey, Shawn.


That was really good. Keep it up, okay?


Listen, I don't know if I've told you this yet... 

but your coaching, I mean, it's been incredible.

And whatever happens between us, you've made me a better cheerleader.

- And for that, I owe you...   - You have some food in your teeth.

And your pecs are uneven. Make sure you don't favor one side.

Always coaching.

God bless you!

Why can't I crack this?

Damn it.


how often did you see Dr. Rick during the school year?

I don't know why he keeps calling himself that. It's kind of douchey.

Oh, no, no, no. It's super cool.

I can't believe he's my pre-fiance.

I remember when I was 7, I decided... 

that I was not gonna get married until I was 34.

- That's very specific.  - Oh, I had it all thought out.

High school, college, a year abroad in Greece... 

and because, don't laugh, I always loved Greek salad.

Tomatoes, cucumbers, feta. No, that makes perfect sense.

I know. It's silly.

I love that you had it all planned out.

- You know what John Lennon said.  - Not really. I'm not in my 50s.

I could ask my dad.

"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."


Damn, this is heavy.

Are you okay? You look hot. Do you want some water?

- Yeah, sure. Thanks.  - Here.

Did you say I looked hot? I'm pretty sure that's what I heard.

- I heard you screaming like a girl.  - Oh, really?

- Oh, my God.  - What?  - Don't move. There's a bee on you.

- What?  - No. Get it off.

You little bitch!

All right, week three of cheer camp, here we come.

I love the smell of pom-pom in the morning.

Let's do this.

- Whew, Whew, Where you going?  - Post-breakfast sun practice.

And then, you know, Carly and I are gonna work on reverse cartwheels.

I'm having trouble with my rotation, you know, my left foot keeps hitching when I do my inverse swing-over. It's like...

Whew, Whew, Take it easy. American girl. We're done with this, all right?

Week three. Time to leave. Hit it and quit it.

Oh, no, we gotta...  We gotta stay longer.

Dude, it's time to go. Remember Mookie's dad's house?

The plasmas and the Jacuzzis.

Yeah, but I just...  I think we should stay just a touch longer.

I'm done. All right? I've had enough girl.

Bottom breadsticks only keep you at the Olive Garden for so long.

Untill, at some point, you look out and say:

"Why in hell am I at Olive Garden with these fat people?"

- What? No...   - Let's go.

- Let's talk about this.  - All right,let's go, let's go. Let's pack.

Let's just dialogue for a second.

- We don't have to go right now.  - Yeah, we do.

The bus leaves in an hour. Next one's not until tomorrow.

Yeah, but come on, man. What about our squad?

You know, the competition's coming up.

Dude, the squad? The competition? Listen to yourself.

We had a deal. Remember this? Two weeks. Right?

Kiss, kiss, bang, bang, sayonara, cheer camp.

We are leaving We, we are leaving

We are leaving

Now, come on, dude, start packing.

I need a little bit more time with Carly. There. I said it. Okay?

I know you think that's lame, but can you give me one day?

That's not lame, bro. That's gay.

Well, technically, pursuing a woman you have heterosexual feelings for... 

... that's not gay, Nick.

But using a rotating inverse swing-over to do it? Yeah, that is.

Shawn. Don't forget we're gonna go over our reverse cartwheels.

- Okay, I'll be right there.  - See you there.

All right. Right behind him.

All right, come on, man, let's go. You know the deal.

And trust me, you're gonna thank me for this.

All right, let's go, Shawnzy. And no more moping. All right?

Not an attractive color on you, nor is orange and gray.

Takes away from your eyes.

Damn it, damn it, damn it... 

What are you doing?

Well, probably making the biggest mistake of my life.

Except that year I wore that leather wristband.

How did I possibly think that's cool, you know? I'm not a blacksmith.

That was a little Nickel-backy.

You like this girl, you're my boy, we stay.

Well, what about Mookie's house?

Are you coming or not?

Are you sure we are staying? We, we are staying?

No, I'm not sure, so don't turn a yes into a no.

Thank you, Nick. Thank you so much, man.

I know you don't like man-to-man touching... 

but my arm is on your shoulder. Here comes my arm right now.

- Another day  - Another holler

You're wasting my precious breath. I can't hear you.

- Another day  - Another holler

- Another day  - Another holler

Another day

Hey, bro, got a second?

Wrong section of the woods, fellows.

You want the northeast corner near the redwoods.

What? I wanna know if you know two dudes named Nick and Shawn.

Yeah. They're my bunkmates. Why?

Five, six, seven, eight. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Five, six, seven, eight. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

- Angela, no.  - Are you okay?

Easy, Tiger. Easy, Tiger.

- I'm fine. I'm fine, I'm fine.  - You all right?

I'm okay.

Sorry, guys, I just suck.

- It's not just you. We all kind of suck.  - We're not good at all.

- Hey, stop. Stop talking like that.  - But it's true.

We're just not that good.


Enough of that. You can go as far as you want.

What do the Panthers have that you don't have?

- Skills.  - Athleticism.

- Kickass cheers.  - Laser hair removal.

Big-ass titties. I'm just saying.

Confidence. They're cocky assholes.

Like Nick, the cockiest asshole on the football field. That's why he's good.

- He's right. I'm awesome.  - Because he believes in himself.

Also because I'm awesome.

He knows he's gonna be good, so he's good. And he takes chances.

Not hard due to the fact that I'm awesome.

- Nick. Trying to make a speech here.  - I'm sorry.

Either bet big or go home.

If you don't wanna take any chances, then you shouldn't even be here.

I know you wanna be here, because you finish last every single year... 

but you keep coming back... 

even if it means taking endless shit... 

from total dong-knockers like the Panthers.

I wanna cut the blond one.

- What?  - What?

- What?  - What?

- What?  - I'm just saying.

All right. Come on, guys. Let's be cocky assholes.

Yeah, you know what, he's right.

And I can say that... 

because I am the best cheerleader here, so you can all suck my dick.

I was just being a cocky asshole.

Oh, nice. That's what I told you. Look, did you see what she was doing there?

That's exactly what I want from everybody.

All right, let's do this.

And remember, you're awesome. Let's risk it to get the biscuit.

All right, get cocky, bitches.

Let's do it. Come on, guys. Ready.

Hit it!

All you chumps think you got poise

You prance around like little toys

Do you really think you can make some noise?

Five, six, seven, eight.


- Get cocky.  - Get cocky.

Come on, everybody.

Let's go, tigres.

There it is.

All right, get cocky.

Here we go, here we go.

Keep it tight.

All right everybody, let's work.

Three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

There it is.

Go big, Shawnzy.

I'm doing it, brother.

Awesome. So much better.


All right, la tigres. Come on.

That's my girls, bringing some A-game.

You are some cocky bitches.

I think it's safe to say that you guys are now officially tigers.

- Right, girls?  - All right.

One, two, three.


One, two, three, frauds!

- Rick?  - These two have been playing you.

They didn't come because they like cheerleading.

They came here because they like cheerleaders.

- Yeah, we know.  - Everyone knows.

Why are you here? What's going on, Rick?

- Bus tickets.  - Damn it.

Your little friends were planning on leaving before the competition... 

without any feeling for anyone they may have left in their wake.

- Animals.  - You were gonna leave us?

Well, we were gonna, but we didn't. That's way before you and I ever... 

- You were gonna do this to the squad?  - Carly I can explain.

I can't believe you. I mean, I knew you were here to get girls, but... 

- I thought you started to get into it.  - I did.

It started off being about getting girls, but then it became about getting you.

- Wait, that doesn't sound right at all.  - No that sounds exactly right.

Bail, brother. Bail.

I really like you, Carly.

That's close enough, dicklick.

This is how you show someone you like them, Shawn? By lying to them?

To be fair, he lied to you before he really cared

then he tried super hard to word it so it wouldn't be a lie after that.

Just so we're on the same page.

If these weren't tools for healing, I would crack you in the jaw.

- You're a tool for healing.  - That's right.

You're the guy who's fancy with his words.

Well, then, why don't I just read your diary?

- Where did you get that?  - I've done a bad thing. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm a sorry, Suzy right now. He tricked me.

You tricked me.

This is how it happened.


He said he wanted to leave you a note, I brought him to the bunk.

He must've seen your stuff on the couch.

- Why was it on the couch? I left it early on my bed.  - I was cleaning up your mess.

I told you I can't stand clutter. I warned you.

- All right. Jerk ass, give me the book back.  - "Cheer camp, day one.

The sun rises in the summer sky

like Rembrandt's brush on a dogwood branch."

- Queeratron.  - Let's go. Give it to me.

Back up, Abercrombie & Bitch.

"And thereby Diora"

"I lie awake thinking, will I ever say 'Diora,' as a whisper in an ear?

Will she ever say "I love you," in a moment with a tear?"

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Carly, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.

Just leave, okay? Just leave like you always planned on doing.

Carly, please, let me explain. Give me just one second.

See you later, high school.

I didn't write that. I bought the book. It was in there.

It was beautiful.


Never really thought of that one.

Using one's true feelings to wrangle snooch.

So simple.

So we lied and we got caught. So what, huh?

We're humans. Humans lie.

They tell big gigantic two-week-long lies because they're humans.

Stop saying "humans." We did this.

Because we're humans.

All right, humans are the only species that can lie.

Except for maybe chameleons.

And possums. They play dead.

What's that?

It's Downey's bracelet. Yeah, I love that kid, huh?

Said it was cool, so he gave it to me. How nice.

Those are his... beads, bro.

Downey liked you. Like, "liked you" liked you.

What? That's crazy. Downey isn't gay.

Nick, come on. Think about it.

I'm Nick. This is Shawn.

- What's up? I'm Downey.  - Hey. Nice to meet you.

Put it in there. A little cheer camp. Crazy good times.

Yeah. It's gonna be fun.

Panther meat! I said, hey, Tigers!

- Yeah?  - Hey, tigers!


Hey, Nick. You wanna go out on the field

and maybe count shooting stars with me?

You're classic, Downey. Classic.

Raw-hamburger fight!

I'm hit.

Medic! This man needs some jocksygen.

Come on, we're losing him.

Don't you die on me. Don't die on me. Don't you die on me.

You prance around like little toys

Do you really think you can make some noise?

Five, six, seven, eight.


Welcome back to Sucktown. Population: You.

Without your gigolos, looks like you got last place sewn up, again.

Why don't you get your nose job out of everybody else's business.

I got thrown by a horse.

Why? Was he spooked because you both have the same face?

You're gonna die. You're gonna die.

Carly, don't.

You're placing your anger at the boys on them. It's transference.

You're right. I'm gonna punch you in the throat!

Let it go.

Look at that little hottie. Wonder what she wants to do with her life.


You know how Bianca wants to go to cooking school

and Sylvia wants to be a pilot, and... 

Oh, my God.

I actually know these girls, as, like, friends.

And I care.

I'm becoming like a fully formed person

with like sensitivity and empathy.

All right, I'm a person!

Look at the pooper on that one. I could rest my beer on that shit.

And you're back. What kind of dressing goes on a Greek salad?

Olive oil, top shelf.

Is it me, Shawnzy, or is this not nearly as much fun as it was last year?

It's not you.

This is too high. Give me a boost.

Shoulder stand.

- Ready?  - Okay.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

- Grab.  - Out, drop, catch, dismount.

Catch. Yeah, buddy.


Don't take this the wrong way

but I think there's someone you should talk to.

Hello, I'm am Reginald Von Belly Button.

I love twinkies.

The competition's tomorrow. I wonder if we could win it.

Did you say "I wonder if we could win"?

- No.  - Yes, you did.

- You totally did.  - Didn't.

You wanna go back. You're into cheering.

I'm not. I'm the captain of the football team. All right, I could give a rat's ass about cheering.

- You're a cheerleader.  - I'm not. You're misquoting me.

Do you wanna go back?

For you. Because I can't stand seeing my best friend in frown town.

That's how selfless I am.

I would sacrifice myself to cheer you up. I'm like Gandhi.

- Gandhi?  - Gandhi!

- Mahatma K. Gandhi.  - Quake'n Bake!

Bus leaves in 20 minutes.

If we extend our high V's, we have a chance at landing that aerial.

I don't know who you are anymore.

Kenny's asleep on the couch.

We're gonna get whipped cream and paint his face.

- Come on.  - Be right there, dudes.

- Right behind you, bro.  - Oh, my horse is peeing.

What is that?

Go back to sleep.

Why are you in my bed?

I must have sleepwalked.

I'm here now. Let's just make the best of it.

Get out of my bed, Bianca.

- I kind of can't.  - Why?

I might not have pants on.

- What are you doing here?  - I came back.

- I can see that. Goodbye.  - Carly, just listen to me for a second. Please

- Why should I ?  - Because we're teammates.

Teammates don't join a team under false pretenses

then leave once they get what they want.

I know you're pissed at me, and you should be. I lied to you.

But this is not about you and me. It's about the squad. We all worked way too hard to throw it away.

How are you standing in the middle of the air?

Just take us back already. Christ!

- Nick  - Carly

I like you, but that's not why I'm here.

Oh, rock me, sexy Jesus.

- Why are you here?  - Honestly?

- No. Lie to me again.  - Shawnzy, make it quick, buddy.

- Buddy.  - I like cheering.

Fraggle Rock.

I'm sorry, man.

My pecs are sore.

Oh, my God, Diora's right. My left side is weaker.

- I favor one side.  - Pull me up. Pull me up.

Is this your plan to get a little face time with me?

No. I'm dying here, seriously.

- Carly, come on. We need them.  - I don't wanna come in last again.

Fine. But I'm only doing this for the squad.

You got it.

- Bianca?  - Yeah.

Any chance you could throw on a pair of underpants?

It's competition day today. Competition.

- Wow, this is big-time.  - Yeah, it is.

Well, well, well, if it isn't a couple of wolves in cheer clothing.

Which part of "next time I see your punim they'll be on the moon"

- didn't you understand?  - Like, the whole thing?

I'm gonna have to go ahead and ask you both to go ahead

and leave right now to leave now.

Sorry, coach. I told them they could stay.

You really want these strong-jawed philanderers on your squad?


It was just a little misunderstanding we had before.

All right. Your choice.

Next time you screw up, I'm gonna have both your asses.

That's frightening.

Let's move it along. Giddyup and roar.

Let me see those claws. Move it along.

Meet me on Taryn Field tonight after the competition. Bring your diary.

Only if you bring the dance in your step

like a shimmering nymph traveling the back of the wind.

Good afternoon, and welcome to Channel 29's coverage

of the Regional Southeastern Illinois Cheerleading Competition.

Bend at the hips and reach through your hands. Don't lock... 

God, please give us the strength to land our flip-flops and basket tosses.

Amen. Oh, and fix the economy.

- Red leather, yellow leather.  - Red leather, yellow leather.

- Unique New York.  - Unique New York.

- Barack, Barack, Barack Obama.  - Barack, Barack, Barack Obama.

Five, six, seven, eight. Kill, Panthers, kill. Panthers, kill... 

- Shawn  - Carly

- What you did really hurt me.  - I know, I know. I know.

I want you to know why. It's just I thought you and I got really close

and I trusted you.

I know. I felt the same way about you.

I'm really sorry, Carly. And I don't expect you to forgive me.

I want you to know I'm sorry.

There's my Carly Davidson!

Hi, Rick.

- Just came by to say break a leg.  - That's theater. This is cheering.

You better believe it.

- What's up, Dick?  - It's Rick. Dr. Rick.

God, I keep doing that. You just look like such a dick to me.

What are you crunt-sacks doing back here?

It's okay. They're just helping us do our final routine.

I'll be watching you.

Yeah. That's exactly what an audience member does at a performance event.

Just go sit down, Rick.

Robert De Niro, Meet the Parents reference. Love it.

- God, he seems great.  - Really nice.

I like him.

Here you go. Look alive.

Coming at you. Here you go. Look alive.

Coming at you. Here you go, freak shows. New uniforms.

- Here you go. Look alive.  - We didn't order these.

No shit, Lesbatron. My brother did.

We're a new squad. We need new uniforms.

- Thank you, Shawn.  - Awesome. Thank you.

- Okay. You owe me 127.80.  - You said it was gonna be 200.

- I cut you a deal.  - Wow, Poppy. Thank you.

That's actually human of you.

Don't get all ABC Family on me here, buddy.

You're doing me a favor.

I guaranteed Staples 45 seconds of airtime, so cheat out to camera.

And work this into your cheer:

"Staples now carries 30-percent recycled copy paper.

Staples, committed to the environment, committed to you."

- Hey.  - Okay.

If I don't have the money, it's my shoe in your ass.

- That seems fair.  - You look great. Are you in love?

Stay safe.

What's up, kid?

- Downey.  - Good to have you back.

Why didn't you tell me you're gay? I'd have been totally okay with that.

- Paint with all the colors of the wind.  - Wait. You're straight?

Am I straight? Yes.

But what about your diary?

Then you asked for my beads and stuck them in your mouth... 

- I thought it was a bracelet.  - A bracelet in your mouth?

- I don't know.  - The closet door... 

is made of all kinds of wood, brother.


- All kinds.  - Okay.

God, that is so awkward.

The Panthers, clear favorites, have really come to play today.

Fierce, brave, hungry, Panthers


- Dude, they're kind of great.  - Yeah.

It's not about them, guys.

It's about us. Just stay focused. We'll be fine.

Panthers out.

Oh, let me get that for you.

Drool much?

Panthers out.

Free paper, courtesy of Staples. 30-percent recycled copy paper.

Staples, committed to the environment, committed to you.

Do you have 50-percent recycled paper?

No. But I have 50-percent recycled asshole paper. It's in the men's room.

It's free, gay bar, just take it.

Let's do this.

- Tigers!  - Let's go. Let's go.

- Tigers!  - Let's go. Let's go.

Now, the Tigers from Gerald R. Ford High School in Hinsdale, Illinois.

This team historically ranks last like their namesake president.

Let's see if they've stepped it up this year.

Hey. Is this on TV? Dude, this can't be on TV.

Don't worry. It's NBC. No one watches network television anymore.

Look, it's Nick on TV, cheerleading.

Shawn too. They're cheerleaders.

I thought those dudes were in the kitchen.

All you chumps think you got poise you prance around like little toys


My chickens.

Five, six, seven, eight.


Risky floor stunts, athletic tumbling, tight formations.

Looks like the addition of those two new guys is really paying off.

Oh, my God, that bitch.

- It's not totally her fault.  - I was talking about Dr. Dick.

It sucks. Don't let it distract you. We're gonna win.

No, we're not. We're not as good as the others.

Yeah, we are. And there's one way we can prove it.

- The Fountain of Troy.  - Yeah, right.

I thought that move was prohibidimibidibabido.

Remember John Lennon?

"Life's what happens when you're busy making other plans."

- This is it. Life's happening.  - It's not that easy, Shawn.

I never said it was. You can do it. I know you can. I'll jump it with you.

I still just don't see them qualifying for States.

They are just not in the same league as the top teams here.

- Who's gonna catch me?  - Nick.

- Who's gonna catch you?  - Them.

I have total faith in them. They're tigers.

- But what if they don't?  - Bet big or go home.

You gotta risk it to get the biscuit.

- We're doing it.  - You sure?

We're doing a lot of talking.

This seems like a lot of talking during the routine.

Lot of talking during the routine.

I'm the fountain. Shawn, base. Nick, back.

Girls, catch. Shawn, double-back handspring to end it.

- Got it.  - Ready?


Is this what I think it is? Are the Tigers trying the Fountain of Troy?

This is the most dangerous move in cheerleading. OMG.

That's prohibidado.

I told them in Spanish. How much clearer could I have been?

Here comes the build.


An awesome flying pose.

Here it comes, the final fountain.

And now for the final dismount.



And the final flip out.

Here it comes, and... 




That little shit.

My chicken shit.

Shawnzy. No, come here. Come here, buddy. God.



Did we win? Are we going to States?

No, we came in 19th.

I'm sorry.

Are you kidding? That's 10 places better than we did last year.

If they didn't deduct points for the Fountain of Troy... 

we might've made top three.

You nailed your triple back flip.

I nailed my double back flip... 

because a triple back flip would've landed me in the water.

Yeah, I did do three. That makes more sense.

- What was that?  - About three weeks overdue.

What the hell are you doing?

Kissing my teammate.

You wanna die today? I can take life just as fast as I can give it.

First of all, you're not a doctor.

Second of all, you're not my boyfriend.

What? Carly Fries, come on.

You're dumping me for him?

No, I'm dumping you, period.

And then I'm gonna be with him, period. If that's okay with him.

Question mark.

Totally. Exclamation point.

Oh, puke. Parentheses, bold, underline.

Carly Horse. Carly's Jr., baby. Larry, Moe and Carly.

Carly and the Chocolate Factory, sugar.

Carlsbad, Carly-fornia.

Why don't you run along now?

The longer you watch, the sadder it gets.

- I'll show you sad.  - Hey, buddy.

Oh, Jesus.

- Nick.  - Nick.

That was for the Crocs.

You're not an old lady gardening or a baby on the beach.

Okay? Now put on some shoes, you're embarrassing yourself.

I'm just saying.

- You okay?  - Nothing a kiss can't fix.

Wait till tonight.

I'm gonna make a wish on these and throw them into the sky.

I hope one of you ends up in my ER one day, bleeding... 

I'll make you wait for days.

Unless one of you has Blue Cross... 

that's a PPO, none of that HMO, bullshit!

This is so cute.

The 19th-placers. You're like the littlest pigs.

- How does it feel to still suck ass?  - You tell me.

Please don't hurt us. I was just kidding about the whole rivalry thing.

Cheering doesn't mean that much to me. I wanna be a paralegal.

I love your hair. Go. That bitch is crazy.

Way to go, Bianca. I didn't know you had it in you.

There's a lot you don't know about her.

You know that John Lennon "life happening"... 

"risk it to get the biscuit" stuff you said back there?

It didn't really make sense.

Well, it got you to do it.

No. You got me to do it.

Well, congratulations, kid. You got what you wanted.

Thanks to you. I couldn't have done it without you.

- Just shut up. Shut up.  - Is it hard for you to accept thanks?

- You want me to accept thanks?  - Yeah. Open up to me.

Here it comes from my mouth. And you're welcome.


Lose the clothes.

That's good. No.

- Read me something from your diary.  - What?

"Perchance to dream, perchance to love a wind...  Hair... 

- the summer skies as teardrops cascade from my lo... "

Oh, my God. My husband.

This is not what it looks like.

Looks like you're running some naked drill.


- Carry on.  - With what? Kissing your wife?

Good one. Five, six, seven, eight.

I said, hey, Tigers! Yeah? I said, hey, Tigers! Yeah?

Hold it.

I'm gonna lay my hands on you to get a really good sense of your movement.

Five, six, seven, eight.

- I said, hey, Tigers!  - Yeah!

- I said, hey, Tigers!  - Yeah!

- What do we like to... ?  - Panther meat!

Sweet Jesus, mother of God!

I don't wanna run laps all afternoon. I have a shrink appointment.

Dude, your cousin stuck his finger in your ass. Get over it.

Dude, your dad put his wang on your shoulder.

Dude, your mom gave you an HJ and tipped you a dollar.

Your cousin whacked you in the face with his wang.

Come on, your cousin put his wiener on your plate. You gotta get over it.

Will you shut up, man? I'm too straight to be gay.

I could watch What Not to Wear with Nathan Lane in my blouse... 

and still win a straight award.

That's not right.

I could smoke pole and still be straight.

- I can't say "smoke pole"?  - No.

Carly. Come here.

We're working on a new mount Bianca came up with.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

- We didn't order these.  - No shit, lesbian.

No shit, Indigo Girl. No shit, Lesbos, island of Greece.

No shit, queer-leader. No shit, Dixie Chick.

Wait, what? Just joking. Sorry.

The Fountain of Troy?

I thought that move was prohibidabido.

It's not prohibidabido?

No, I'm pretty sure it's prohibibabido.


Go ahead and clap.

Mediocrity deserves applause.

Why don't we go find a Ford Focus and clap around it?

Mascot down!

It's a dragon!

Tell me about that road.

Is it lonely on that road?

Have you made up your mind?

- You gonna waste any more time?  - No!

Then here we go.

- F-U!
- F-U!

You're damn straight. F-U!

I can't take this head anymore.
Oh, the air feels so good.

All right, kiss me.

What are you doing?

Keep it on, sexy beast.

And that's how you kiss a guy.


All right, again.

Special thanks to SergeiK.