Four Christmases Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Four Christmases script is here for all you fans of the Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Four Christmases quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Four Christmases Script



My name is, Kent.
What's your name?


Daphne. That's a really beautiful name.

It sounds like a
name of a flower.

Obviously I know that it's not a flower, 
but it sounds like it could be.

I like flowers.

Smelling them, stuff like that.
Sending them to people, it's good.

Where are you from?


Really? I'm a big fan of, Connecticut.

I'm a... Who isn't, right?
You're close enough to the city...

...and you can really enjoy it.

But your also far enough that 
you got a small town field.

- Did you go to school out there?
- Yeah, I did. I went to Wesslam.

That's perfect, that's a great school.

- What's did you major in..?
- Psychology.

It's great.

Those are really beautiful
earrings, by the way.

They do a nice job 
of complementing your...

I'm gonna stop you right there.

Because on paper
you've done everything right.

You've took an interest
in my personal history.

You've complemented
my accessories.

Blah, blah, blah.

If we'd met in college, our relationship, 
probably would've developed between us.

Which I would have come to regret 
because I would have found out...

...that you're just as boring
and polite in the bedroom... you have been during
this, god awful conversation.

Okay, Daphne...

If I wanted a nice
sexual pen pal...'d be at the top of my list.

We'd just, l-chat all night long.
LOL. Tickles.

But unfortunately, that's
not what I'm looking for.

I want a man whose
hand doesn't shake...

...when he puts it up my shirt.
Do you know what I'm saying?

Daphne, if I could just...

Save it, Kent.
I'm not looking for a BFF.

Daphne, please.

Bitch, I'm talking to you!

-What did you call me?
-I didn't stutter.

Oh you sure can talk the talk,
you crazy little slut.

But, can you
deliver the goodies?

I don't give a damn
about, Connecticut.

I hate those cheap buildings.

I'm from, North Dakota and this
is how we handle our business... the vice and state, mamma.

Get your hands off me, right now.

Or I will take you to your knees 
in front of this entire bar.


Hold on, angel crossing!
Angel crossing!

Get on there. Here we 
come. Watch out!

What a beautiful view.

So, this is where you live?

This is where you live 
too, honey. Come on.

What do you think
about, Daphne?

- I really liked, Daphne.
- You did?

- Yeah.
- Definitely naughty.

She's was a lot naughty,
but in the fun way.

What about, Kent,
did you like him?

- Kent was hot.
- Really?

I like those glasses,
that was a nice touch.

You want to try fill in 
the whole great planes vibe?

Like he was an angry 
cowboy who drives a van.

- Hot.
- But also has ninja equipment...

...back in his apartment.
A lot's happening.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah.

Like a transformer.

- I'd like to meet, Kent again.
- Yeah, come here.

Toothpaste and all.

- I love you, Kate.
- I love you, Brad.

You are the best girl
in the whole world.

Let's get these off, of you.

That was fun.

- That feels good.
- It's the acupressure.

- Oh really?
- No, I just like to rub it.

You know, this stuff is connected 
to all different stuff inside your tummy.

- I know that.
- I push the wrong thing...

- You know what that's for?
- Not till later.


So when's the big day?

- Hmm.
- I'm sorry?

We're getting married in the
spring in, South Carolina.

- Yeah, what about you guys?
- We're not getting married.

So, why do you take
the dance classes?

We do a lot of stuff together.
That's one of many thing we do together.

Yeah, it's fun.

Can't think of what
we don't do together.

Right, so why wouldn't you
wanna get married?

- Yeah.
- We are happy.

- We're happy.
- Yeah.

And I love her.
Marriage kind of brings pressure...

...and stress and all kinds of stuff.

We don't want our relationship
to turn into work.

We just wanna be together
'cause we enjoy it.

Not because we have to, you know?.

There's a reason that they
use the expression:

"Tying the knot"
or "Ball and chain".

Have you ever listened to the
words of a wedding ceremony?

Like: "l promise to obey."
Or "Till death do us part."

I'd rather be like stuck
on an island...

...with some weird millionaire, 
hunting me and trying to kill me...

...and trying to escape
than be involved... something with those. That's like 
a time bomb, waiting to explode.

So, what about children?
You do want to make them, no?

- No, no.
- No.

- I don't wanna make them.
- Uh-uh.

I just don't want to be like,
responsible for this kid...

...and hurt their feelings 
and disappoint them.

Yeah, that's what 
happened to our families.

We're both from
divorced families.

We've seen it play out. We don't
need to repeat the pattern.

But anyway, congratulations
on getting married.

That sounds like a really cool 
thing, and to each their own.

Yeah, absolutely.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas!


- Big-bad Brad!
- Hi!

- How are you guys doing?
- Look at this. How are you?

You remember
my girlfriend, Kate.

- How are you? Good to see you.
- Hi.

What are you guys
doing for, christmas?

We got the entire
family flying in.

13 airport pick-ups.

4 days of listening
to how gifted my nieces are.

My brother thinks his daughter,
the four year old... gonna be the next, Beyonce.

She's bad and she sucks.

I'm vacationing in tropical
Albany this year...

...with, Tricia's family.

They got us a cot,
which is awesome.

But we'll probably end up sleeping...

...on the musty couch
in the basement with the cats.

All seven of them.

We'll get to be there
the whole week.

Sounds like
a prison sentence.

Why do you guys put
yourselves through that?

It's, christmas, right,
don't you have to?

We don't need to do it.

We don't.
We don't do it.

- We're done.
- Why, what are you doing?

- We're going to Fiji. Just the two of us.
- Yeah.



Don't your families
get upset?

Not if you tell them 
you're doing charity work.

Like building houses
in third world countries.

Teaching english as a second 
language in, Puerto Rico.

Helping orphans in, Somalia.

Helping, Chinese kids capture lobsters.

Boil them, cut them, clean the 
weird stuff out the middle.

We find it that the more
details you give...

...kinda throws them off the set.

You lie to your families
at, christmas time?

You really can't spell 
families without lies.

Try it.

But don't you
ever feel guilty?

For taking a vacation
on our vacation?

No, not really.

- You do look pretty sexy with a tan.
- Thanks, babe.

You could take this one.
This one here.

- Like that.
- Yeah, that's a good idea.

Oh by the way I made a couple's
massage reservation for this weekend.

- You did? That's great.
- Yeah.

I should probably check 
us in online, after this.

I did it.

You checked us in already?
You're the best, sweetheart.

I picked up a pair of those noise 
canceling headphones, you wanted.

- You did not.
- For the next time.

- Oh my God.
- I'm excited.

We should probably sign up for 
the scuba boat as soon as we get there...

I heard it fills up
really quick.

Do you feel like we've
been on this vacation before?

The scuba diving, we did that
in Bali and Costa Rica.

Yeah, but this is Fiji.
We've never been to Fiji.

That's a whole different island.
and the resort there is beautiful,

and the scuba diving
there's gonna be totally different.

It's different water different fish.

It's gonna be really good.
I'm excited.

- lt's gonna be amazing.
- Are you excited?

- I am. I'm really excited.
- I am excited.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

Hey, Mom, merry, christmas.


Listen. Actually I'm sorry
I didn't call you sooner.

We're actually heading 
out today to, Burma.

Yeah. That's exactly
the island in, Asia, Burma.

We're inoculating babies there.

Yeah, we'll be helping 
out with these kids.

It's such a great cause, but honestly...

it just sucks that we're not able to 
be there with you and the entire family.

You know how much. I know, mom it's been 
three years since I've been there for, christmas.

I wish I would've
called you sooner.

But, Kate sent all
the gifts and stuff to you.


That's Merry Christmas
in Burmese.

All right, I'll tell her.
I love you too. Bye.

You learned "Merry Christmas" in, Burmese.

I gotta take everything
to the next level.

Come on, let's do this.
I'm excited.

Attention, San Francisco

All flights
have been grounded...

...due to extreme
weather conditions.

Sir, excuse me.

Well the phone's will be in 
and your flight's not going out.

But what I can do
is get you set up for standby...

...on the first flight
to Fiji tomorrow. Okay?

Tomorrow's not going to be great for us.

We've already scheduled
a couple's massage...

I'm sorry, sir. I don't make
the fog, I deal with it.

The best I can do is get you
guys set up a suite at the, Radisson.

They have lovely accommodations, 
it's right next to the airport.

You promise?
At the, Radisson?

- Did you hear that?
- Brad.

No, no that's terrific.

Would it be possible
to take us out...

and get us, McDonald's as desert?

I'll start missing
flights more often.

With this kind of
red carpet service is available.

- Because that's terrific. A suite.
- Brad, please.

That's not helping, Brad, okay.
Is there another airline...

that you're possibly affiliated with?
Like a sister airline that we can transfer to?

- No, I'm sorry.
- Do you have a cousin airline?

How about an airline that 
your airline's filled out before?

The FAA has ruled that the, Bay
area fog is simply too thick.

No flights are coming in
and no flights are going out...

until at least tomorrow morning.

Let's see how travelers
are coping in all of this chaos.

We have a couple over here.
Excuse me, sir? Excuse me.

Where are you headed
for this, christmas?

We're live on the air.

You certainly look
dressed for a vacation.

We're taking...
And we take the trips.

We'll take a different trip.

What he's trying to say is
that we plan a trip every year.

This is actually
ruining our Christmas.

You must be pretty upset.
Are you visiting friends and family?

This is, Kate.

Hi, mom.

I know, mom. All the flights
were cancelled for today.

- But they're not really...
- Sweetheart It's, my dad.

They're not sure, 
whether or not if it'll be today.

You want me to answer it?
Do I answer or no?

Do I pick it up or not?

Yes, I know. I understand
you have feelings.

What? What do you want me to do? I don't know 
what this means, I don't know what your saying to me.

Alright he's gonna give you a big 
hug when he see's you, mom.

- I'm not hugging anybody.
- He's really excited about the hug.

- Alright we'll see you at noon.
- Noon?

Kate, are you crazy?
Did you just commit us to go?

What did you want me to say?
They saw us on the news.

We're obviously not
inoculating babies in, Burma.

- No...
- We are stuck here.

By the way, what did you say to your dad?

I told my dad that of course 
we'll be going over there.

Don't compare
your situation.

- You kidding?
- There's new stuff...

...that you're missing here, Kate.

My Dad's a unique specific
animal. Your mother's not.

My dad, your mom.
My mom, your dad.


We'll see all four families in one day, Kate.

Do you have any idea what this means?
Do you have any idea what you committed us to?

I know exactly
what this means.



I don't want to fight.

Honey, I don't wanna fight either.

- I hate this.
- We never fight, honey. I'm sorry.

I love you.

This is what our families do, you 
know that? This is what happens.

My mother makes me crazy
every time I talk to her.

You're absolutely right.
Here's all we got to do.

We just gotta get through these, Four Christmases...

as quickly and as painlessly as possible.

Exactly. Promise me that no
matter what happens today...

we'll still have each other, right.

- Honey, of course we will.
- Okay.

Hey listen. If one of these
houses gets a little too intense...

- I think we're gonna need a exit strategy.
- Yes.

We'll need a word that both of us know
that means it's time to leave.

What do you think our 
safe word, should be?

It's a good idea.

- Mistletoe is really good.
- Okay.

By the way, my father's house
can get particularly uncomfortable.

Please sweetheat, do not feel 
embarrassed if you feel the need...

to pull the rip cord early,
say, Mistletoe...

if this house gets too 
uncomfortable for you.

- Okay.
- Even if we're there for 10 min.

All right, I'll let you 
know where I'm at.

I'm just looking out for you 
on this one. I want you to be cool.

Brad, I'm gonna go see your 
dad and your brothers right now.

Unless you're too weird
with it, then we're out.

- I'm going in.
- And going out would be...

- Mistletoe.
- Done. Let's get out of here.

Brad, we're going in. Let's go.

Son of a bitch.
The TV stars actually came.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, Dad.

Merry Christmas, tiny.
Good to see you.

- Thanks for having us.
- Good to see you.

- Come on in.
- Okay.

Let's... Let's celebrate.

Okay. Sounds good.

That's a lot of presents 
you sent there, boy.

You're trying
to out do us?

The biggest one is 
for you, Howard.

Yeah? What is it?

I'm not gonna tell you.

What, are you crazy?

- Bro.
- Hey, buddy.


Kate, these are my brothers:
Denver and Dallas.

- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

You must be, Orlando's girl.


We're named after the cities
in which we were conceived.

I'm, Denver that's, Dallas.
And this is, Orlando.


My given name is, Orlando.
But I changed it to, Brad.

I'm, Brad.


Well, merry christmas one and all.

- Orderves for anyone.
- Come on.

Who are you trying
to impress, Suze?

We also got beer moses in the back.

Ladies first.

Thank you so much.

What is this?
Is this cheese?

Yeah, spray.

Spray cheese from the famous
family of aerosol cheeses.

Give me a hand.

Here we go.

Do you have something
to say about my wife's cheese?

Hump it! Hump it!

I haven't seen
that move in a while.

Shut it, soldier boy!

The spray cheese!
The spray cheese!

Bring it home, soldier boy.

Oh my, god, honey. I am so sorry
that you had to see that.

Let me apologize for them.

If you wanna say "Mistletoe"
because it's too heavy for you, I get it.

I get it. I totally get it. Don't 
feel weird about that.

If you need to get out of here, you let me
know where your comfort zone is.

Beacause that was weird.

I can not believe you didn't
tell me your real name.

- What are you talking about?
- l just...

It's just crazy to me. We've 
been together for 3 years now

and I don't even know your real name.
doesn't that strike you as a little bit odd?

No, it's not a little bit odd. I 
hated my name, so I changed it.

You don't say hey: "My name used
to be asshole, but it's, Bob."

- You just say: "My name is, Bob."
- Maybe to a stranger on the street...

but to somebody you're 
sharing your life with,

Yeah you tell them your real name.

Sweetheart, I really don't want 
to get into this right now.

By rhe way this is exactly why I was
afraid if we came here.

this is isn't us, it's them.
We're letting them in.

Okay but your real name isn't asshole.
It's like your middle name.

Don't wanna be
blindsided again.

That's very funny. Go ahead
and take a shot at me.

It's bad enough, I have to deal
with those, Neanderthals

but now I gotta take it from you too?

No, you shouldn't. You shouldn't
let them walk over you either.

Kate, they are trained, UFC fighters.

They know pressure
points on people.

But you're twice their size.

They're semi-professional
cage fighters.

Like one person comes out,
one person doesn't.

A cock fighting
but with dudes.

- I thought you said they were personal trainers.
- They're dude cock fighters.

Like that thing you see on the pay-per-view.

Yes exactly. Except they don't
actually get paid for it.

They mostly just brawl 
in people's backyards...

and then they upload
the footage to, YouTube.

Honey, my childhood was just
like the, "Shawshank Redemption".

Except I didn't have some kind,
older, soft spoken black man...

to share my struggle with.

But you're not
that child anymore, okay?

You're a grown, strong,
confident, successful man.

I really don't want to get into this.

Brad, let me just let you know 
the truth. They're intimidated by you.

What you need to do
is go out there...

and set some
healthy boundaries...

and demand that they respect 
you. You know what I'm saying?

Hey, big city, come to
open up some presents!

- Come on son, we gotta go!
- This is your opportunity.

You can do this, baby.

Right, right.

Okay, gentlemen.

Can we take it down
a notch, please?

I'm not a kid, you can't
talk to me like that anymore.

We're adults.
Do you understand?

I'm a grown man
with hair on my chest, right?

There's gonna be certain boundaries 
that are gonna exist between us.

They might be invisible. I know you 
gentlemen won't be able to see them,

but you're certainly gonna be able 
to respect the fact that they're there.

These boundaries
are not to be crossed.

And if they are crossed, there's
gonna be real consequences to that.

Thank you.

Welcome back, stud!



Stop it!

Come on, can I go in?

No, you boys could get hurt.

Come in!

- Come on!
- Take us in!

- Go!
- Yes!

Get it!

Google me, bitch!


Google me. You might wanna
look me up sometime, Barbara!

No! Dad!


Let's open the presents...

so, Orlando can get
to his other, christmases alright.

Let's do it.


It's me. It's me.
Are you okay?

Did you break anything?

I am so proud of you.

Orlando, you're closest 
to the tree, you distribute.

Gosh, wasn't it so
hard to find gifts...

under the 10 dollar cap this year?

The first gift is to, Connor.

- The 10 dollar what?
- 10 dollar spending cap.

Uncle Brad and his special
friend Kate, maybe...


I'll be your nice uncle...

...after you see what I got you.
Go ahead open it up.

- Brad?
- Yeah.


- X-Box. This is awesome.
- Whoa.

Top shelf for you, pal.

It's got the triple core processor, 
wireless controllers the whole deal.

It was a 10 dollar
spending cap.

How in the hell did you find
an X-Box for under 10 dollars?

Looks like someone's trying to 
show off how much money he makes.

Maybe someone's family
didn't tell him that,

there was a 10 dollar spending cap.

Or maybe if you came home
you'd know crap like that.

Guys can we try
to stay positive here?

What's the problem? We're trying 
to give some gifts to some children.

It's, christmas. Let's keep
the momentum going here.

The next gift is to, Cody
and this is from your dad.

I'm sure this is
a good gift too. Okay?

Dig in there, tear it up.

A flashlight?

That's it?

Why don't you love me,

Okay, okay. Honestly,
I think it's my fault.

I didn't know there was 
a 10 dollar spending cap.

Well my gift from, Santa Claus
better be straight cool.

I have a feeling that your
gift from, Santas 

probably going to ring
around 10 dollars too.

Why? Is, Santa Claus
cheap like my daddy?

No, Santa is dad.
Dad is...


I don't understand.

What's happening? What's happening?
What's the problem?

There's no, Santa Claus.

You're joking with me, right?
You're kidding me.

They know there's
no, Santa Claus, right?

They do now.

How could you lie to us, Daddy?

There is a Santa Claus.

Cody, come on.

You and Santa Claus
don't love me.

That's not gonna
bring back Santa. That's not...

When he gets hurt inside
and can't get...

...his emotions into words,
he takes to streaking.

Don't worry, he always comes back.

Nobody loves me!

Okay, look.
I'm really, really sorry.

- I just assumed...
- All right. All right.

Let's keep it moving.

I'm starting to lose my balls over here.

All right?

What's this one here?
You're gonna love this, poppy.

That's a satellite dish, Howard.

Why would I want a satellite?

That's not a satellite,
it's a satellite dish.

Terrific. You got so many more
channels and viewing options.

You don't think I get enough channels?

Well, your TV right now
is a radio, so...


How much is this gift
gonna cost me a month?

Apparently it's not going to cost you.
We're paying for the services.

- So, nothing actually.
- Wait, wait.

Just because I drive
a combine for a living...

doesn't mean I need me
a fancy pants lawyer son...

- paying the bills for me.
- Okay, you win.

If you want to pay, for 
the stuff, you pay for it.

The installation guy comes on Tuesday, 
he's gonna install it for you.

Cancel it. We install things 
ourselves in this house.

Dad, I think you gonna want
a professional to handle this.

If you think I'll allow
a sex predator... a uniform to wander
around my house...

...and touch my underwear...

You got another thing coming, no.

I'll see you top side in five.

All three on the roof.

- Let's go.
- Okay.

To her mother.
I gotta take a grumpy.

What don't you...?

You wanna go over
to your mom?

Yeah, okay, come here.
Careful. There you go.

Ain't it nice to have everybody 
home for the holidays?

Yes, it is.

We're gonna make
bologna sandwiches I think.

Okay, here we go.


Take her before
it explodes.

Thank you.

Gotta go and do
some man's work.

You gotta use
a lock nut on that.

I know what I'm doing.
I don't need any lock nut.

Sorry, I know that you major... a satellite dish
installation at, Stanford.


Great, dude. Mock me
for being educated. That's awesome.

- Hey, Grandpa!
- Hey!

Come play, war with me!

Maybe later, grandpa is busy.

Grandma's boyfriend
plays with me whenever I want.

Your grandmother's boyfriend
is a first class ass sniffer.

You can tell him I said so.

Connor, go get us
some beers, man.

Sounds like you and mom
really turned a corner there.

I don't want to speak ill
of your mother on, christmas.


she's nothing but a 
common street whore.

Okay, that's great.
Nicely said.

What do you call a woman...

...who throws away a career,
abandons her kids...

...and runs off
with another man?

- What are you talking about?
- What do you call her?

Dad, she was a cashier,
that's not really a career.

That would fall in the category of a job, 
and she left you because you wouldn't talk to her.

Stopped spending time with her. You 
completly shut her out of your life.

I fed her, I put a roof over her head
and I never lied to her face.

I spoiled her, that's what I did.

Let that be a lesson to you kids...

about being honest with your wives.

You can't spell "families"
without lies, am I right?

- Amen, Dad.
- Yeah.

What is she like...
two or three months?

- Nine.
- Wow.

- Yeah.
- Nine months.

She's not walking or
taking care of herself by now?

Are you kidding me?
Most days I'm lucky to get...

my boob out of her mouth
so I can shower.

- Yeah.
- Does that hurt?

What, breast feeding?


Maybe at first, but
the nipples get tough.

I can hardly
feel mine anymore.

You wanna flick one?

- No.
- Please.

- No, no.
- Go ahead.

That's okay. I have a set of my 
own. So I'm just gonna pass.

- Sure. Of course.
- But thanks.

Okay, we're all set!


The picture's all fuzzy.

Did you get me some
sort of cheap old satellite?

No, it's not a cheap
old satellite.

I just gotta adjust it.
How about now?

Even worse!

I can make it work! Hold on!

How about now?


Could you hold her?
I need to bake another thing.

No, actually... Okay.


Come on, you can't break her.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Okay, you know what...?

It's a satellite, you gotta 
point it up at the satellite.

How about now, is it better now?

No, it's worse.
It's still crappy.

I don't think she likes me.

She likes you fine.

Just give her a chance
to warm up to you.

- How about now?
- Worse. It's worse.

Son of a bitch.

Take the damn thing down. I
can do better with my rabbit ears.

I love my rabbit ears!

Can you tell me "hot or cold".

- What?
- Hot or cold.

Hot or cold what? What the hell 
does that mean, hot or cold?

How long until
she warms up to me?

Not long at all.

- Horrible.
- Point it up!

Shut up, and let me work!

I don't want a fancy satellite.
I don't want any kind of satellite.

It's not a satellite, genius!
It's a satellite dish!


- Pull the thing and...
- Get off my roof!

Pull the damn thing!

It's too much.

Whatever you're doing,
stop it right now!

- Leave my TV alone!
- I'm fine!

She stopped crying.

I did it!

You idiot! Stop it!

- This is all right.
- Leave my TV alone!

I'm fine.

That's awesome.

Okay, I'm coming up.

Give me back my baby!



I can't believe I nailed
that baby's head.

I feel kind of bad about that.

That's my brother's kid. You couldn't 
have possibly blown it's, IQ. It's fine.

I did get it to stop 
crying there for a second.

I think it kind of liked me.


Oh my, god! Do you know what happens 
to your nipples after your breast feed?

I don't think I wanna know either.

No, I don't think you do.
It's violent.

- They crack up like tire rubber.
- Okay.

Just so you know, it's a bit of
a cougar den here at my Mom's.

This is different.

Maybe she has
a new boyfriend.

Merry christmas, mom.

Merry christmas, Kate.
Come on in.

Merry christmas.

Give me a hug, Kate.

Oh, okay.

Good to see you.

And you must be, Brad.

Mrs. Kincaid.

Call me, Marilyn 
and get over here...

and give me a hug, you big, 
fat, purple teddy bear.

Bring it!

- Yes, yes!
- Hey, merry christmas.

Shit, that feels good.

You're so tall and firm
like a giant oak.

He's tall.

- Brad, this is my aunt, Sarah.
- Hi.

- This is my aunt, Donna.
- Hi.

- Is that genuine leather.
- Nice to meet you, ladies.

The one in the canarian hanging
on your belt is, gram, gram.

I'm sorry, gram, gram, but that's 
my belt. That's attached to me.

Sorry, merry christmas to you.
It's a great sweater.

I get it.

This is the den. Well,
everyone's in here.

I can't believe you came.

- Hi, Courtney.
- Hi, sweetie.

Hey listen, I can't get up, 
Jackson is very gassy...

and I gotta keep
bouncing him.


- Well, this is, Brad.
- Hi.


I'm, Courtney.

- Brad. merry christmas.
- merry christmas.

And that's granddad

and this is, Courtney's husband, Jim.

- Take, Jackson.
- All right.

He's so good with kids.

- We're gonna try again.
- Well...

Oh I forgot you're too cool for kids.
It cramps your independence.

I never said, I was too cool for kids.

I know you didn't say it.
But you don't have any.

And you have really strong
concrete ideas about not having any.

Well, that's actually not...

You know, I'd rather just not get into it.

Where's, Kasi?

She's outside in the jump-jump
with the rest of the neighbourhood kids.

There's a jump-jump?

Kate always hated the jump-jump.

In the 5th grade, bunch of kids trapped
Kate inside the jump-jump.

- She never got over it.
- I got over it.

They tortured her
for about an hour.

Why would they trap 
you in there that long?

Because she was...

"Cootie Kate".


Who's cootie, Kate?

- She didn't tell you about cootie, Kate?
- Mom, I really don't think this is necessary.

All the kids pretended
that, Kate had cooties...

...and no one talked to her.

If Kate even touched you,
you'd have to wipe it off...

and spray with disinfectant
to get off the cooties.

That sounds like it could be really hurtful.
How long did that go along for?

Not long. I don't 
remember, but it wasn't long.

Seven years. Until 6th.

That was a long time ago.

I'm sure you don't
have cooties now.

Let's test it out.

Ahh... cooties!

Pastor Phil has encouraged us to dispense...

with the commercial
trappings of the holidays.

- Who's, Pastor Phil?
- Mom's new beau.

It's a whole new thing.


what I had in mind
was that...

we would go around 
the room and each of us...

would speak to the spiritual
gifts that we might give.

A verbal gift giving of sorts.

Wait. There's
really no presents.


None that you can see.

Okay, I'll go first.

I would like to give more
of myself to my church...

and to, Pastor Phil.

would you like to go next?

I could increase the frequency
with which...

...I pleasure, Milton with
my hand and with my mouth.

Did she just say that?

Brad, why don't you go next?

I follow, gram, gram with that...

...hand stuff and what she
does with her... Yeah, okay?

I'd like to umm...

with Kate...

would be too...

Vacationing more frequently
and doing it with, Kate.

That is lovely, Brad.

- He's so well spoken.
- Thank you. Thank you.

Courtney, what would you give?

Well, I'd like
to give myself a gift.

And that is the gift
of being pregnant.

I know that comes with its
own challenges for 9 months...

Iike getting fat and having
people stare at you funny

when you sneak a cig, but.

I'd also like to give
myself another gift.

And that is a scheduled, 
C-section that goes routinely

Don't most women want
to have a natural birth?

Yeah, those women 
who haven't done it before.


You just come here.

Auntie, Kate will you 
please hold him whilst I..?

What do I do?

You gotta hold him.
Okay, got him?

I'll fix myself here.
There we go.

- What should I do with him?
- See if he made a stinky.

How do I do that?

Just lift up his diaper
and see if he made one.

Oh... Oh yeah there's something in here.

It's a really disgusting...


Your projectile on auntie, Kate.

- I'm gonna vomit.
- Brad, are you okay?

Get him some water.

- I'm about to throw up.
- Oh, God.

I'll get sick. I can't be here.

What do I do?

Take it away from me. 
I'm sorry. I love you.

You gotta get out of here. I can't breathe.

I want to do it too!

- Kate!
- What?

Are you joking me? These are the only 
clothes we have in the entire house?

How's that even possible?

It's not like you ever come around.
You haven't been here in like... Forever.

I can not believe you told him
about "Cootie Kate".

How was I supposed to 
know you hadn't told him?

Like you would tell, Jim you're
"Cootie, Courtney".

Jim and I know everything there 
is to know about each other.

He knows I slept with
the entire water polo team.

Just like I know he
experimented with men.

- I didn't need to know that.
- Listen, Kate my point is, after three years...

I would think that
you and, Brad...

would know a little bit more about 
each other than you already do.

How can you really appreciate
someone for who they are...

until you really know them?

Thank you.

I kind of feel like a
Saudi prince in here.

We're just so glad that
Kate has a boyfriend.

You're the longest relationship
she's ever had with a man.

With a man?

What' is this?

Oh, my God.

Who's that?

That's, Josephine.

Everyone called her, Joe.
She was, Kate's only friend.

Last I heard, Joe coaches
women's wrestling.

Check that out!

- That's, Kate?
- Yeah.

She looks like, Shaq.

Hi, auntie Kate.

- Hi, Kasi.
- What are you doing?

Not much. Do you need
to use the bathroom?

What's this?

That is my
special magic marker.


We not allowed to have 
magic markers in the house.

- I have to tell my mom.
- No. You don't need to tell your mom.

Actually, can I have it back because...


You want this?

This is not a joke,
this is not game.

Auntie Kate needs
her marker back, okay?

Kasi, this is not funny!

please come out of there!

Don't make me
come and get you.


Come on!

Come and get it!

Wait a minute.
Kate went to a fat camp?

Yeah, she lost three pounds.
It only took her all summer.

A pound a month.


Kasi, honey. Please
give me back that marker!

Keep away!

Come and get it, old lady!


Keep away! Keep away!

Give it to me!

"Give it to me."

Just give me the marker.

"Just give me the marker.

Come and get it!

Get it!


- That's Kate?
- Yes.

Wait a minute. Hold on.
You told me... Who's that?

- That's Kate.
- That's not a boy named, Bjorn?

Can't believe it, Kate is
actually playing with, Kasi.

I've never seen her
play with my kids before.

Hey! Okay!


Brad! Mistletoe!


- We're so glad you're here, Brad.
- I'm having so much fun.

What did she take so long to
bring you here? Is what I wanna know.

I came here for a marker...

and I'm not leaving
without one!


That marker in your mouth,
I peed on it!


Sweetheart you never told me
you went to a fat camp.

Okay it was called, "Get fit camp".

I can't believe my family is showing 
you all the pictures of my childhood.

You know what my favorite ones 
are though, of when you're a baby...

'cause it looks almost like you 
were almost meant to be a twin...

- but you ate the other baby in the womb.
- Brad.

- That's why you're so powerful.
- Stop.

Because you ate your twin sister,
and you took all of her powers.

- Cut it out.
- Baby, I love you.

It doesn't bother me if you
were a really abnormally large child...

with lesbian tendencies, 'cause
if that was your journey...

- then I'm cool with it.
- What are you saying, lesbian tendencies?

- I saw the pictures of, Joe.
- Joe wasn't gay.

Haircuts don't lie.
What did you do with Joe...

Iike play baseball
and ride motorcycles?

We're just kids.
She was really imaginative.

We played in the basement.
She had this game: "Sun tan".

We pretended we're on the
beach, she'd take lotion...

she never wanted me 
to burn, so she would rub it...

Okay, listen and look 
at me. You're better kisser for it.

All I'm saying to you is, it's not fun when
the shoes on the other foot, right.

You shouldn't have been so shitty 
with me with the whole, Orlando stuff.

when you have so many
skeletons in your own closet, right.

Do not throw rocks when
you live in the house of, Joe.

Okay, I see your point.

I love you.
I'll see you in a little bit.


I really need to talk
to you for a sec.

Kate, I don't have time for this. I don't
wanna be late for, Pastor Phil.

But I just...

But I just... I kinda want 
to talk about this now.

Well if it's important now, it'll be
important after church, right?

Well yeah but...

Clean yourself up a little,
this is a nice church.

And now...

...the, Pastor Phil!

Hello. There's a new born King.


Praise Him!

Praise Him! Praise Him!
Talk to Him, lady!

Glory to the new born King!


Please be seated.

I've been given a note.

The, Walshes who
performed the role...

of, Mary and Joseph
for the last three years...

and done a great job of it, they had 
some food that didn't agree with them.

So, we're gonna need 
a pair of volunteers...

to perform the roles
of, Mary and Joseph.

You should do it.


No, I won't get in front
of a bunch of strangers.

You're staged trained. You
played Pippin in High School.

No. I wasn't Pippin,
I was in Pippin.

I played a tree because I had a bad 
stage fright, do you remember this?

I know this seems like I'm putting you
on the spot and in fact I am.

Honey, Pastor Phil needs you.

- I'm not gonna do it.
- Do I have a volunteer?

Or do I still need
a volunteer?

Kate will play
the, Virgin Mary.


Hallelujah! The cure of the world!

I just said I wouldn't.

Hallelujah! Kate, you stand up!

Stand up, please!

Look at the joy you've brought
to this congregation, Kate...

by your volunteering
to be, Mary.

Hello. I still need a, Joseph.

Brad be, Joseph.

I'm not staged trained.
I never played Pippin.

You don't have to give the performance.
You just have to get up there.

- because I don't wanna be alone.
- It's not gonna happen.

Oh rub a pon-pon, Brad, you stand up!

You are a part of this, Brad!

Listen to me, Brad. I'm going to really 
need you to look out for me up there.

Because I'm starting
to get like really nervous.

- That stage fright thing.
- How do I look?

- What do you think?
- You look fine. I'm trying to get...

My man's skirt, is it
short or is it okay?

- Honestly.
- It's a little short.

Okay here's, Jesus.

They don't use a doll?

- Here are your scripts.
- Scripts?

- I'm not ready for scripts...
- Hi, Jesus.

No one ever told me
there's gonna be lines...

- Hi, Jesus.
- Actually, his name's, Bernard.

Hi, Bernard.

Okay, I got lines. I gotta
try to get my voice ready.

Red leather. Yellow leather.
Red leather. Yellow webber.

This is a good baby.

Look at this baby.

Baby, baby Jesus
is really kind of cute.

This child is a blessing
to the both of us.


What, do you think
I should do it bigger?

Should I do it maybe like, "This child's
a blessing for the both of us.

But not angry. Inspired.

Oh, my God. There's so many
different ways to play this thing.

Can I ask you
a question seriously?

My wife is pregnant,
but it's not my child.

But do you think I'm cool with it because
god's the one that got her pregnant?

Are we ready
to see the result...

of that immaculate conception?


Brad, I don't feel good.

Maybe you should
hold the baby.

Sweetheart, I gotta get ready.

Just remember,
acting is reacting.

And Joseph and Mary,
went up from, Galilee...

and out of the city
of, Nazareth.

Okay, find your truth.
I'll blow the roof of this bitch.


I can't do this.

Check it out, baby.
They're digging my walk.

Because there was no room in 
the inn, they stayed in the stable.

And Mary wrapped the baby
in swaddling clothes...

and placed him
in a manger.

And Mary wrapped the baby
in swaddling clothes...

and placed him in a manger.

Put it, in it.

Brad, help me swaddle.

I've gotta save my line,
we're losing the audience.

It's deadlier out there.

Come on, Mary!

This child is a blessing
to the both of us.


That's right!

Your line.

I forgot my line.

- What?
- I forgot my line.

Thank goodness
I memorize yours too.

We shall name him, Jesus.

Glory to, god!

And peace on earth
to the highest point on earth!

This thing isn't big
enough to swaddle him.

Someone's got to give
a performance.

I'm nervous. I can't feel my
legs. Please don't do this to me.

It'd appear that my wife is better at...

making babies than
swaddling them, no? Yes?

Brad, you're wearing the
swaddle cloth on your belt.

Woman, do your job
and swaddle this baby!

Brad, I can't. You're wearing
the swaddle around your belt!

Enough! This child's
life is now in jeopardy.

Unfit mother, give me this baby.

And l, Joseph,
shall swaddle this baby!

And l, Joseph,
will protect this child.

Forgive her, son...

for she knows not
what she's done!



That's the message
of, christmas.



Brad, that was...!

# All is calm #

# All is bright #

# Round young
Virgin Mother and Child #

# Holy infant
so tender and mild #

I know how, Celine Dion
feels after one of those shows,

because she gives so much, it's not like
you're getting a lot back.

- 'cause I got a lot back to.
- Celine Dion. You feel like, Celine Dion?

How do you calm down
of a such a high?

It's difficult to do that.

I can't believe you threw me down...

in front of the entire congregation.

You were just thinking 
about yourself up there.

I was thinking about
the entire show.

And quite frankly 
with you, Kate, I think I...

I brought the whole thing home.

- My God.
- I did.

- ls this how it's gonna be with us?
- ls this how it's gonna... What's..?

- What are you saying?
- I'd like to know...

you'll be there for me in a crisis.

If we're on a plane,
and it  was going down.

and I was passed out and I say,

"Everyone needs to put 
on your oxygen mask."

I would like to know that were gonna 
put mine on before you put your own. You know?

I wouldn't and the, FAA wouldn't
want me to do it either.

- I'm not... FAA?
- lf you'd listen...

- What?
- Do you ever listen to the stewardesses?

Or are you too busy moving your, BlackBerry 
and having them tell you to shut it off?

- I listen to the stewardesses.
- When they say...

...that you're supposed to put
your mask on in case of an emergency...

before you try to help out a child 
or an unfit adult next to you.

- I've heard her.
- Because lf you pass out...

you're not helping anybody.
"Put the mask on this one."

Now I'm passed out. Now I'm 
not living I won't help anybody.

It's not the point I'm trying to make.

What is the point? Sweetheart I'm 
sorry, maybe I got this wrong.

What's your point?

I feel like we're not really connecting.
It's like you're not even present.

I have been present.
I've been here all day.

We've been doing things
alongside each other

but I'd like for us to do
somethings together.

Kate, I that you're upset
with your family...

and I think you're 
taking it out on me.

They've been
my family for years.

This is not about my family,
this is about you and me.

I just...

I just want something different for us.

- Merry christmas.
- Mom!

- God I've missed you!
- Good to see you, Mom!

It's been so long.

- And you must be, Kate.
- Yes.

She's a darling.

- Thank you. Nice to meet you.
- Oh It's so wonderful to meet you.

- Should I call you...
- Just call me, Paula.

- Just, Paula.
- Okay.

I am so glad you came.

You've been
taking good care of him.

Certainly hasn't missed many meals.

- That's great.
- He likes a snack.

- I do like the snack.
- Yes, he does.

Come on in and relax.

I've fixed all of your
favorite dishes, Bradford.

Denver and Susan
are watching TV.

Let's sit here and 
catch up for a minute.

- Your house is beautiful.
- Oh thank you.

This is gorgeous.

Well you knew, Bradford lived
with me after the divorce.

Denver and Dallas were more
comfortable with, Howard.

But, Bradford was
the more sensitive type.

- Okay you know I was thinking...
- Oh we were just best friends.

Just inseparable.

My god, he breastfed
until he was five.

Thought l was going to have
to take you to college.

Okay, I think 
we've had enough...

The only one who 
was on my tits more...

was a professor that 
I dated after his father.

Could you not say "tits", please?

- Hey, kids.
- Okay this is, Darryl.

Hi, nice to meet you.

It is so nice to meet you,
young lady.

And always great
to see you, big guy.

Hey, how was traffic
getting out here, huh?

You know what, can I get your gas 
money? I'd like to get your gas money.

Actually, I don't need you
to get my gas money.

Thank you. I actually make
a lot more than you do.

- So, no thank you.
- Bradford, be nice.

It's okay, sweetie.



I'm not trying
to be your father.

You already got one of those.

I'm just hoping for a 
chance to be your friend.

You were my friend, Darryl.
You were my best friend.

We grew up together,
we rode bikes together.

we used to smell
each other's hands.

But now you're sleeping with my 
mom and it's a little bit weird for me

can you appreciate that?

I never had a sexual thought
about your mom until I was 30.

Can you leave it alone. You can't 
be my friend anymore.

You can't be sleeping
with my mom...

- and still be my friend, okay?
- I'm thirsty, is anybody else thirsty?

Kate, what can
I get you to drink?

- I'm good.
- Look, your mother...

- is a very sexual being, Bradford.
- She's a very what?

She's a great lover.

Say that again and I'm gonna 
bust your mouth open.

Hey, look it. This is, christmas
and we're not gonna go there.

Kate has been kind enough
to send us some games.

We are gonna play them
and we're gonna have fun. Okay?

Why are you staring at me 
when you eat the wings?

That's... uncomfortable.

Oh, Conner honey 
don't eat those brownies.

Those are grandmothers
special brownies.

Kate, could you be a lamb
and explain the rules?

Of course. So, you try to
get your team mate...

to say the word
on the top of the card...

but you can't say any 
of the words listed beneath.

And if you say any
of the taboo words...

- then you get buzzed.
- Okay.

That makes sense?

I'm so excited to have you
all here to play this game together.

It's gonna be so much fun.

Hey, it's good to have
my friend back.

So, who wants to go first?

- I'll go.
- Okay.

Brad, why don't you
buzz your mom...

- and then I'll do the timer.
- Okay.


On your mark, get set, go!

Okay, this is a town in, France.


- You can't say, "France" it's on the.
- You don't have to buzz me like that, Brad.

It's the same, loud for everybody.

It's okay sweetie, just 
do the next card.


This is me, I'm a...

Cradle robber.

- What did he say?
- Keep going.

Don't worry about it.
You're a therapist, keep going.

- No, no, not Capricorn but...
- a, Libra.


It's fun.


This is what you dripped on me?

Ohh, wax!

No, after that.

It's brown.

Okay make this stop, please.

Ohh, oh, chocolate.

- No, before that! After the wax!
- Oh my god.

- The syrup!
- Yes!

Way sticky dude, I 
would not recommend that.

- Okay.
- Okay, time.


- Good job. Good job.
- We only got two.

Who wants to go next?

- We'll go.
- Okay, great.

I'll do the buzzer.

Are you gonna actually 
eat while you play that?

- Just flip the tube.
- Excuse me?

Flip the tube.

Okay. On your mark,
get set, go!

- Capital of, China.
- Hong Kong.


Thing next to your bed
on the night stand.

- A sock.
- Yes.

I helped you come up
with this, when you were drunk...

and came home from
the bar last, thursday.

- Alibi.
- Yes.

Alright, the thing I'm not
allowed to wear to, supercross.

- Mini skirt.
- Yes!

Me and you dry humping
on the beach.

- A screensaver.
- Yes, baby!

This game is so easy.

The only man I'm allowed
to cheat on you with.

- John Grisham.
- Yes!

- Mexican dude.
- Ricardo Montealban.

- Yes!
- Time.

- Right here. Right here!
- Come on!

Okay, this is like
an animal attack video.

Guys there's other people 
on this table, uncomfortable.

Stop. Oh, God.

You guys got a lot.
How many was that?

- Seven.
- Seven.

- Pollie, can you do the buzzer?
- Oh, yeah!

We can do this, baby.
You ready?


Okay let's light a fire. Let's light a fire.

- Ready? Go!
- Okay.

This is the thing, I'm most 
scared of in the whole world.

- Snakes.
- No, no, no.

- The thing I'm most scared of.
- Jump-jumps! 4 year-olds.

More than anything, this
scares me to my core.

You got to come up with 
a differnet... Use a lifeline.

- Ask the audience
- Spiders, Brad. I'm scared of spiders.

Sweetheart, you don't 
have to say the answer.

You can say an "eight-legged
animal" or a "superhero"...

- Can't say superhero!
- Mom, I'm not actually the one with the...

Try again.

Okay, in high-school,
my senior year spring break...

I was in Cancun, and I was wearing 
this bikini top, I'd lost all this weight...

- Tourists. Skinny.
- No, no, no.

- Thin?
- No, I was standing at the bar.

- I was shaking around...
- Dancer.

- My stuff fell out and then all the bar tenders...
- Your what fell out?

My stuff fell out.

Everybody would call me 
when I went to the bar and say

"Oh, here comes..."



Okay, honey, you can say,
like, "look" or...

- Can't say "look".
- Okay, mom I'm not the one with the card.

I'm giving examples.
I have a thing here.

- You see this...
- Can't say, "see"!

I'm explaining the game.

Can't say "game"!

Mom, the answer's been said.
She said the answer.

- Let's just do the next one.
- Okay.

- Let's... you know?
- I get it.

Okay, so this is something
that you would eat...

- and you put it on a barbecue and...
- Chicken.

- It's my favorite.
- Beef.

You can't say, "beef"!

Mom, I'm not the 
one saying the things!

- Do you get that? Just shush.
- You can't say, "shush."

Okay, Mom,
I can say "shush."

- You can't say "shush."
- Okay Lets just move on... Kebab.

It's kebab.

It says I can't say "shish"!

Shish. Shish. Shish.

And I could say it, 
because, I don't have it.

and that's why, there's this thing
here so that I can't see what it is.

Let's just move on.
Let's just move on.

Our time's up.

What's this attitude, Brad?

I don't have an attitude.
I've shut down.

She buzzes me,
I'm trying to explain to you...

how to play the game, you 
obviously don't understand

the best ways to play the
game and I'm shutting down.

I wanna talk to you
about something.

Baby, I know what you want 
to talk to me, about me.

You do?

I don't want you to apologize
for it because, love...

means never having to say that your, 
sorry. You know what I mean?

For the record,
I do forgive you.

But the thing is when you're
playing a board game...

you shouldn't go so conceptual, 
you do want to go a lot more literal.

- Look how else will you know...?
- No, Brad.

I took a pregnancy test today.

You took what?

I took a pregnancy test today.

At my mom's house.
It was in my sister's bag...

I was in the bathroom, and
I'd been a couple of days late

so I just thought I should
probably take a test.

- Honey, you pulled the goalie?
- What?

You can't pull the goalie without checking 
with your team mate, this is insane.

I did not pull the goalie. That's not
what this conversation is about.

What are you talking about? 
What am I missing here?

Relax, Brad. It was negative.
I'm not pregnant.

Well jeez, why don't you just hit
me with that right from the start?

Instead of making me take laps
around the anxiety pool.

What is this reaction?

Listen, If there's one 
thing we've learned

by being forced to being
around our families today

it's about the dangers
of procreating.

Besides, that's not the 
things that we want in life.

Brad, I realized it today.

I thought for sure, I'd 
always known that

I didn't want to have kids
and I took this test,

I'm waiting to see if it's
positive or negative

and I thought, 
for just a second. I felt...

different. You know?
I felt hopeful.

Like maybe it would 
just happen and

we'd be forced to get 
over all of our fears.

We have spent so 
much of our relationship 

creating all these boundaries you 
know, and making sure that 

we don't limit ourselves
with responsibility...

and obligation, and I don't 
wanna live like that anymore.

Because that's not loving at all.

- ls that an eighties song?
- No, Brad.

- Your throwing, eighties songs at me?
- I'm tired of being one foot in.

I want us to be open,
to love each other...

however it's going to be.
and if one day that means...

we get married or
if we have kids one day

I feel like that's okay.
I wanna be in a relationship...

that goes where 
it needs to go.

Okay. And I'd like the 
relationship to go to, Fiji.

Brad, this is very important.
I wanna have this conversation.

I don't want to have this conversation.
I don't wanna have it.

I feel the same way that
I did when we first met,

and I've been honest 
the whole time.

I don't want a 
conversation about it

because I don't 
want those things.


It's okay, you 
don't have to come in.

Sweetheart, I'm not going to make 
you go into the house by yourself.

I'm fine. I'll just have my sister
drive me back to the city.

We'll go in there together
and I'll drive you home.

I'm not gonna go
and in there and pretend

we're something that we're 
not, Brad. I can't do that anymore.

Baby, listen to me, please.

Okay let's not over 
react to this situation here.

I'm not over 
reacting, Brad. I get it.

I'm the one changing
the rules.

and If you don't want to change
them with me, I understand.

I just can't do this anymore.


Coming in?

Hey, Dad.

She made it!

Auntie, Kate!
Auntie, Kate!

Merry christmas again!

Hi, Kasi.
Merry christmas.

Come see the cool stuff
grandpa, Creighton got me!


Hi, I'm, Cheryl. I'm
your dad's girlfriend.

- Nice to finally meet you.
- Excuse me.

- Hey, Kate!
- Hi, Mom.

I got a, Dora the Explorer backpack...

a matching, Dora thermos,
a big girl necklace...

and princess shoes!

Hey, guys!

Hi, Auntie, Kate.
Where's, Brad?

Kasi, why don't you go
tell grandpa thanks...

for all your new toys?

You'd better go or
I'm going to tickle.


This is amazing.

Dad and Mom
in the same room?

They hated each other.

Well they've been getting together
for stuff since, Kasi turned one.

It must be really nice
for, Kasi.

It's really nice for everyone.

- Where is, Brad?
- He's not going to make it.

But, If it's all the 
same to everybody

I'd really just rather
not talk about it.

- I'm sorry. I didn't realize...
- It's okay.

It's not something I want
to get into right now.

Sorry, we won't talk about him.

I have a great idea!
Internet dating.

You should do it. It's great.

You just pay 20 bucks,
and you put in your profile.

Susan, next door, did it and she 
found her husband that way.

It's great.

He doesn't have a job
yet but they're working on it.

You should totally do it!

- I'll think about that.
- Yes.

I'm gonna take a 
minute and just.

Okay. I got your back.


Hi, kiddo.

Hey, Dad.

Did, Brad leave 
to get a jumpstart

on inoculating babies
in, Burma?


Maybe he's making
sock monkeys

for foster kids.

Or weaving ponchos
for pregnant women

in the, Yucatan?

So, I guess you knew
we were lying?

Oh, boy.

Unfortunately, I've had
a lot of experience

bending the truth
to avoid my family.

And I'll tell you, honey.
I would give anything...

to have that time
back again.

I would too.

It's taken me a lot of years

and several divorces
to learn that

nothing really beats
being honest.

Honest about who you are,
what you need...

all the rest tends
to work itself out.

I was honest...

and I think he was too.

It just wasn't what 
I wanted to hear.

Cheryl made the 
dressing I like so much

and I did some of the 
cooking too, I even

I put the ice cubes
in the glasses

and salt in the saltshakers.

All right, well.

Not long ago, I wouldn't
have been able to...

to put this group
of people together...

in my wildest imagination.

The changes we've 
all been through

the little hurts we've 
given each other

we hope we're 
forgiven for them.

We thank you, dear, lord

because there's nothing
more important than family.

 - Amen.
 - Amen.


What the hell
do you want?

You forgot your tampons?

No, I didn't forget anything.

I just came by to see you.

What for?

You already destroyed
my, TV and family room.

You want to bust up
my kitchen as well?

Look, I'm sorry
about that, Dad.

I didn't mean to do all of that, 
I was actuall just trying to...

Where's tiny?
She didn't come?

Oh, Kate uh...

she's not with me.

She finally smelled the 
pathetic on you, did she?

No. In fact, she said
she wanted to get

more serious with me.
She said that

you know,
she loved me

and she wanted to see herself
having a family with me

having kids with me.

Well congratulations. That's 
what you want to hear?

- I said no, Dad.
- You what?

Yeah, I told her I didn't 
want to get married.

- Are you shitting me?
- Uh-uh.

I'll be damned.
I'll be damned.

That's my boy.

I always said you were
the smart one, Lando.

Your mind and spirit
are strong, like mine.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I tell ya. It's always the one
you fight with the most

who is the most like you.

Well why are we 
standing out here for?

Let's go inside, have a 
drink. Just the two of us.

Man to man.
Father to son.

- Alright. Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

You're a big boy now.

Let's go in.

Take appraisal of the 
damage you've done.

Would anyone like
anything else?

- No, no.
- This one's out.

Dad, can you check
on, Jackson?

- Yeah. The blanket.
- He's got the pillow.

- This is hers?
- Yeah.


Okay, listen.

If you get one, you might as well 
get two 'cause they're like dogs.

- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about, kids.

If you leave one by itself,
at home, you're never gonna leave.

'cause you're gonna feel so guilty about
leaving it there by itself.

But if there's two, you don't feel
bad they got someone to play with.

The other big thing to 
think about is, school.

Do you send them to private school?
Because then you got sweater vests 

and lacrosse coming at you all day.
But if you go to a public school 

you got to worry about some 
art student, who's hyperactive 

who's all hopped up on medication,
who might try to shank the little guy,

and that's uncomfortable too.

Are you having this conversation with me, because 
you're comfortable having this conversation with me?

Or are you just having this conversation, 
because you wanna go to, Fiji?

I wanna go to, Fiji.

Because the tickets 
are already paid for

and the hotel rooms
aren't transferable.

But, honey, I do 
feel comfortable now

I think having this conversation
because in my heart 

I know I've found
the one person in life 

that I want to have
these conversations with.

And that person's you.

- I love you so much.
- Come here.

So it's like, this doesn't mean
we're getting married

- or having kids right away.
- No, no, no.

But we should talk about it,
because these things do happen.

Not that we're planning on it. We're just talking 
about it, because these things happens.

And if we do have them,
then, you know...

- there's a lot of advantages.
- Yeah. They wonderful, 

I mean, they give 
you love, unconditionally.

Also, they're like little
walking tax shelters.

Because you can 
write a lot of stuff off.

Yeah, and not to mention all the 
yard work. You save so much money.

I mean, once they become a certain age, 
we're not gonna have them on the lawnmower.

- When they're seven.
- I know what your talking about, not slave labor.

- No, no, no.
- We're talking about teaching them discipline.

- Chores for money.
- And we're not like even planning for like our future.

We would've ended up living in some
home playing Bingo in, Florida.

But now we can 
live with them.

- They're gonna sell us out.
- This is exciting. We never thought about it like this.

Honey, I want you to feel 
comfortable to talk to me

about anything you 
want to talk about.

Unless there's like, you know a 
play-off's game or something like that.

You know what I mean? We 
can find an appropriate time.

- I'm kidding. Kind of.
- Okay, babe.

Listen, just to be clear,
this doesn't mean

that we're getting 
married right away 

or having kids right away.
just means that we're open

to let love grow
where it wants to grow.

- Exactly.
- We're open to letting it grow.

But, it doesn't mean kids.

- Wow, I can't believe we did it.
- We did.

I don't even know what happened,
I can't even remember the procedure

but here's this beautiful
thing here. You know what I mean?

I did feel
like an air traffic controller.

Between the huffs,
and the signals and stuff

it just kind of all 
happened. But, god.

It's awesome, baby.
You're so awesome.

You were amazing.
You were like this.

- Thanks, babe.
- We have a baby!

- How's she doing?
- Good. She's sleeping.

Just wanted to let you and
our little new year's baby know 

that you're welcome to start 
bringing in family members now.

- Oh that's not gonna happen.
- No, no family.

Your families don't 
know you had a baby?

To be honest, I think they'd be shocked
to even hear that, Kate was even pregnant.

Our families can be 
a little much sometimes.

I like to think that we're
keeping it special for us 

rather than not
including them.

Happy New Year, Bay Area!

We are here live
at Pacific General

where the first baby of the 
new year, has just been born!

Let's go say hello
to those lucky parents!

Congratulations, McVie family

on having the first baby
of the, new year!

Dad, how does it feel?

We're doing great.

And there was a... a vacuum.

And then there was, umm...

stretching and the juices.

What he's trying to say is that
we're just beyond words, excited.

Oh, oh goodness.

I got some in my mouth!

I can't be around it!
I'm gonna do it too!

Special thanks to SergeiK.