Voila! Finally, the Funny People script is here for all you fans of the Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen movie by Judd Apatow. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. At least you'll have some Funny People quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?
And swing on back to Drew's
Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.
Funny People Script
MAN: Let's call
American Express.
You lost your card,
(WOMAN LAUGHS)
and you don't know
what the number of it is.
GEORGE: That's
a great one.
MAN: Do the old lady.
GEORGE: (IMITATING OLD WOMAN)
I lost my card.
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
WOMAN: Your...
Your accent went in
and out on you sometimes.
GEORGE: I went
southern and then...
ON PHONE: American Express.
I'm Danille,
how may I help you?
GEORGE: (IMITATING OLD WOMAN)
I certainly need
some assistance.
I'm sorry to call you
in such a frenzy,
but I'm very shook up.
I got my American
Express card stolen.
WOMAN: Okay, can I have
your last name, please?
GEORGE: Yes.
What's your last name?
Right.
Okay, can you give me
your name so I can
look up your account?
Yes. Helen.
What's your
last name, please?
Easafawn.
What?
(WOMAN SNICKERS)
Helen Easafawn.
E-A
S-A-fawn.
ON PHONE: Jerry's Famous Deli.
This is Cindy. May I help you?
Hi. I have no legs.
May I speak to the manager?
(RECEIVER CLICKS)
(MAN LAUGHING)
Now, if I get a bill
and it's something,
like, for...
(STUTTERING)
(ALL SNICKER)
But two times in a row I eat
the damn roast beef and I'm...
I can't stop
going to the bathroom!
MAN: Well, I'm sorry,
but there's nothing
I can do for you.
MAN: Ma?
And my son
thinks I'm crazy.
Ma, who you calling?
It's Jerry's.
And don't tell me
not to call them.
Jesus Christ, get off
the fucking phone!
Don't talk
to me that way!
Get off the
fucking phone!
What's going on?
MAN: Same
thing as the last time.
Did she... What'd
she call you about?
The roast beef?
Yes.
All right, she just
puked in the kitchen.
That's all right.
I suggested that she
doesn't eat roast beef
if it doesn't
agree with her.
(WOMAN SNICKERING)
I... I appreciate
your suggestions,
but I love roast beef.
It's delicious!
MAN: Go clean
up the mess!
(CRYING) I can't.
Get off of me!
You son of a bitch!
(ALL SNICKERING)
(DIAL TONE)
(ALL LAUGHING)
George?
GIRL: Hi,
Mr. Simmons.
Ladies.
George Simmons, man!
Can I get a picture?
Yeah, yeah. You got it ready?
All right, hit me,
baby, all right.
Get a little
tittie in there.
Come on.
How are you?
You're really funny.
Thank you.
You're funnier.
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH COMICALLY)
Hello.
Hi!
Gentlemen. Gentlemen.
Hey, what's up?
GEORGE: Hey.
How are you?
Hey, handsome.
Doctor.
How are you, kid?
How are you, baby?
(CLEARS THROAT)
The Lunestas
are working, baby.
Those are smooth.
No hangover.
Fall asleep, bam.
Fucking what was
the deal with the Restorils?
Why did you give me those?
You trying to fuck
with me or something?
George, we got the results
back from the follow-up
of your blood count
and it's not
what we hoped for.
As I mentioned earlier,
the CBC was abnormal.
Your white blood cells
were four times the size
that they should be.
And very low hemoglobin,
seven grams per deciliter.
I don't understand
what you're saying right now.
Can you speak
how people speak?
You have a very
serious disease.
It's called AML.
It's a form of leukemia
and I can't predict
how this will play out,
but I feel you have
a rough road ahead of you.
That's George Simmons,
right here.
George! George!
George Simmons!
Hey, man!
How, how you doing, man?
I'm a big fan of yours.
(INAUDIBLE)
I'm sorry to say
we're past the point
where traditional structures
like chemotherapy
and radiation would
be effective at all.
DR. STEVENS: And I think
it's best for us to pursue
an experimental course.
CHUCK: Here you go, ma'am.
Your tamales.
Thanks for shopping
at Otto's.
Yo, Chuck,
I'm going up at the
Comedy & Magic Club
doing stand-up.
You should
come watch me.
Don't let him
suck you in.
He's not funny.
Nah, he's right, man.
No way, man.
That shit was painful.
I mean,
it was hard watching
you suffer up there.
I had fucking
nightmares after that.
That was a long time ago.
That was months ago.
I've gotten a lot
funnier since then.
Then you bored
my wife to sleep.
I couldn't get
no pussy
that night, man.
Don't blame me
for your pussy issues.
Are they gonna pay you?
Pay me? No!
That's just how it starts.
You don't get paid
in the beginning.
You gotta, you know,
work your way up
through the ranks.
My nigger,
how the fuck you
in show business
when you got no
business to show?
I'm supposed
to be writing jokes.
I'm supposed
to be doing comedy.
I'm not supposed to be
making macaroni salad.
I hate it, man.
It's depressing.
Otto's sucks!
You don't know about
no motherfucking
hard time, man.
I'm a ex-convict, man.
Otto's the only place
that would hire me.
You too good
for Otto's now?
I'm not too
good for it.
I just don't...
It's not for me,
you know, I'm sorry.
See that bridge?
1,200 bucks.
Okay.
On the house, man!
Otto, man!
Otto's my lotto.
Come on, man, look.
I can't work here
anymore, all right?
What, you gonna be on TV
or some shit like that?
I am gonna be on TV.
The chunky guy
on Survivor or some shit?
No, I'm gonna
be like Seinfeld.
Get the fuck
out of here, man!
You ain't gonna
be like Seinfeld.
Seinfeld's my
motherfucking man!
Now Kramer,
Kramer gets a pass from me
'cause Kramer's my nigger.
Well, very
forgiving of you.
Look, as a friend, man,
let me tell you something.
You're not funny.
I think I'm funny.
I got new jokes, man,
and they're good.
Let me hear one
of your new jokes.
Okay, I got one like,
I'm really good
at Guitar Hero,
you know, on PlayStation,
and I was so good at it,
I thought, like, "Maybe
I should get a guitar."
Then I thought like,
"I'm really good at
Grand Theft Auto,
"maybe I should start
beating up hookers."
Okay, that got me.
That was humorous.
I thought
you'd like that.
But, yo, I ain't
got no dough, man.
For real, if I had
some dough, I would go.
I'll pay your
cover charge.
That's the night
I take my wife out also,
so you gotta pay
for my bitch, too.
Okay, I'll do it. Okay.
If you come and laugh.
Laugh loud.
(LAUGHS)
Like that?
That's good. Perfect.
I'll see you
Saturday then.
Okay, good.
Thank you.
Craig, listen to me.
I'm doing the best
I can, okay?
I wiped your ass
our entire childhood.
Now it's your turn, buddy!
Well, you're the one
that asked the wizard
to make you young again.
I didn't mean
this young!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Last time I had a suit on,
at my bar mitzvah.
My bar mitzvah,
it was the last...
And now I got the same suit.
It's the same suit.
I think it looks good.
The bar mitzvah was
a good day in my life.
I made more money
that day than I think
I'll ever make again.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You know, it's really sad.
To peak at is a weird feeling.
MAN: This is indicative
of the kind of...
GEORGE: Yo. Yo.
Shoot that.
Look at that!
Both those girls just go,
"That's the guy from MTV."
I swear on my life,
those two girls,
they were just going,
"That's the guy."
It's the second
time it happened.
I got off a... I got off,
I got off the bus, and...
I mean, the train.
I'm walking out...
Me and Ann traded shifts.
My family's in from Green Bay.
You know, come to see
how their daughter's
doing in the big city.
You know, wait,
you went to school
here, right?
(PHONE RINGING)
LAURA: Hello?
Hey, Laura, it's George.
How's the northern side
of California going?
What do you
want, George?
I was wondering
if you had
a few minutes.
I wanted to talk
to you about something.
Actually, I don't.
I was just walking
out the door.
Is it okay if I get
your number and I'll give
you a call back later?
I know I'm not
supposed to call you.
I just wanted
to let you know that,
that I really am so
sorry about everything.
I'm sorry, I screwed up.
Too bad you
didn't realize that
back then, but
anyway, I gotta go.
Do you want me
to call you back?
No, you don't
have to call me back.
I know you're not going to,
but I just wanted
to let you know I was
sorry one more time.
Okay. Well, all right.
Okay, good luck, George.
Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT)
You know, so, like,
I have this joke about how,
like, you never see, like,
a very attractive,
blonde, big-breasted
homeless woman.
You know, like, someone
will take care of that
person no matter what.
That woman's gonna be fine.
All right,
so here's the joke.
You can be attractive
and stupid and make it
in the world.
Yeah.
And you could
be unattractive
and smart
and make it
in the world.
Yeah.
But it's the ugly,
dumb people who
are really screwed
'cause they're ignorant
and an eyesore.
That's funny, man.
That's pretty funny.
I think that'll work.
I was thinking of doing
this thing where, like,
I'm not good-looking
and I'm not bad-looking.
I'm kind of, like,
right in the middle,
you know.
Like... Like, if I had
a good personality, I could
get any chick in the world,
but I don't.
Yeah, it doesn't work.
I auditioned
for Budd Friedman
at the lmprov.
He okayed me
and made me a regular.
Budd won't even
look me in the eye.
Man, that's...
Good for you, man.
Congratulations.
You shouldn't have lost
all that weight, man.
There's nothing funny
about a physically-fit man.
I know.
It's lame, right?
Yeah.
No one wants to watch
Lance Armstrong do comedy.
(SIGHING) Oh, God.
Hey, Ira.
Oh, hey, Mark.
Can you do me a favor
and never leave a paycheck
from your shit
sitcom on my pillow
ever again, please?
(SIGHS) That is so rude
of me to accidentally
leave my paycheck
for $25,on your pillow.
I'm sorry.
It's a dick move.
It's just,
they keep coming,
you know,
week after week.
It's getting a little bit hard
to keep track of them all.
You know what?
Becoming marginally famous
has really turned
you into an asshole.
Now listen, I'd love to stay
here and chat with you,
but we have company.
You know that girl comedian
who lives across the street?
The one with the dark hair
and the bangs?
Daisy, yeah.
Daisy, right.
Well, I bumped into her
outside and I invited her in,
and she's sitting
in our living room
right now.
She's out there
right now?
She's hot and she's mousy,
but kind of like...
She's mousy
like a mouse you want
to stick your dick in.
Yeah, you've gotta get
out there and talk to her.
Why would you do that?
What do you mean,
why would I do that?
I'm trying to hook you up.
Well, I'm laying
groundwork, man.
I got a three-month plan.
You can't just
throw me into this.
I'll give you 10 days
on your three-month plan.
No, I need more days than that!
Okay, I do this
because I care about you.
I do this to motivate you.
But I will fuck that girl
in 10 days. I promise.
Come on, dude,
I'm not cute like you.
I don't look
like Jackson Browne.
I look like Jon Favreau!
Don't do this to me.
Don't make me fuck her.
Well, then just
don't fuck her!
Don't you put me
in this corner where
I have to fuck my way out.
He'll do it, too. He'll do it.
I've seen him do this before.
I'm gonna go out
there and warm her up.
I'll see you out there.
Kanye.
Kanye!
No. T.I.
T.I.
Lil Weezy.
It's all about Common.
Eminem.
MARK: But do
you guys know
who the greatest
rapper of all time is?
(SINGING) William Shakespeare!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I know it's silly,
but it's fun.
You know, people like it.
Yeah.
You know?
It's just cool that
you're on TV. I mean...
I can't believe you
haven't seen this before.
Yeah, I can't believe
it's gotten by me.
Is it on a kids channel? WB?
A teen channel or something?
MARK: No. It's on NBC.
DAISY: Really?
Ira, this is Daisy.
Oh!
Daisy, Ira.
Hi.
How are you?
How's it going?
Good.
Actually, I have a cold,
so I shouldn't...
Oh!
Air shake.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
I've actually seen you
do comedy at the lmprov
a couple times.
Yeah, you're really...
You're really, really funny.
Oh, thanks.
You know, Ira
just lost 20 pounds.
Oh, congratulations.
Yes, I did.
All from my cock.
Um... So...
So, this episode right here
is actually a two-parter.
Great, so does that
mean we're gonna watch
both parts right now?
Oh, shoot. Oh, God.
You need some help
with that, Ira?
No! No, it's...
It's okay, I got it.
I got it. I got it.
Mmm.
(SLURPING)
I'm joking.
I'll get a rag.
See you in nine days, Ira!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
RAND Y: I went
to a place recently
RAND Y: I went
to a place recently
I'm convinced is the most
fucked up, crazy place
I've ever been to.
It's a little place
called Cold Stone Creamery.
Now, the thing
at Cold Stone is...
I can't believe this
is what people like.
The sizes are
"like it," "love it"
and "gotta have it!"
What kind of crackhead
terminology is that?
"What size you want, man?"
"I don't know, man,
I just gotta have it!
"Put some ice cream in a cup
with some sprinkles!
"Put your dick
in a Butterfinger
and fuck it for me, please!
"Put it in the cup! I need it!
I'm tweaking!
I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
"I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
"I'm tweaking!
I'm tweaking!
I'm tweaking!"
(SINGING)
That's how it's done, son!
That's how it's done, son!
Killed it, man.
Crowd was crazy.
Is it always that wild
on a Wednesday?
No, they were...
They seem pretty
good out there.
I'm really
stepping up
my game.
These bitches gotta
start paying me for this.
Can't get no more free Randy.
I just fucked that
crowd in the ass.
Yeah.
Just awesome.
Just fucking bam!
Crowd, me, bam! Crowd, me...
My stand-up's my dick.
(EXCLAIMING)
You know?
I'm gonna do
the same thing.
Bullshit! Let's get some
M&M's and chips going.
Yellow!
MAN: Ira!
Hey. Kevin Rooney
didn't show up,
so you're gonna do
10 minutes after Leo.
Really? Okay.
Thanks. Yeah.
(MOCKING) "Yeah,
thanks, yeah."
(SCOFFS)
(CLEARS THROAT) Hey.
Did he just tell you
you're going on next?
Yeah, I'm on next.
Okay. Well,
I'm on after you,
and if you go long,
this is going
to die in my pocket.
(CHUCKLES)
That wasn't a joke.
I'm not a comic.
Okay, when you get the light
that means one minute.
Okay.
The other night,
I heard my balls
and my dick talking.
And my balls were like,
"Are you okay?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Is he hurting you?"
And my dick's like,
"You don't know him
like I do.
"He's a great guy.
He loves me."
There's always one guy that
laughs way too hard in the...
Hey. George Simmons
just showed up.
He wants to go on,
so you are bumped.
Okay, how long
does he do?
How the fuck
should I know?
He hasn't been here
in five years, but
you gotta be ready.
Okay.
Okay.
LEO: Thank you, guys!
It's really nice to be here!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
See that?
I fucking killed out there.
Yeah, that was good.
Watch out,
Leo, watch out.
All my new shit worked.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I was supposed
to go on after you.
George Simmons showed up.
Now I'm gonna
go on after him.
George Simmons
is going up right now?
Yeah.
I just opened
for George Simmons?
(SIGHS) Yeah.
That's fucking
awesome, man!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Yeah!
All right!
Yeah, all right,
I'm scared.
I'm scared
for all of you guys.
You need me! You need me.
I'm not gonna be here forever.
Who's gonna amuse you?
It's so simple.
You just look
at each other
and say...
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
Everyone's laughing.
You people are so unamusing
you have to pay
another person
to come and amuse you.
What do you do at home?
Just sit, fucking antsy,
all day long,
"When are we gonna get
to that amusement place?
"Amuse me."
You should be thanking
me for those movies.
"Oh! Finally, a movie.
Let's watch it together."
That's the beauty
of movies, by the way.
You go in there
and you don't have
to talk to each other.
And it's fun.
You could stare
at the screen.
And, "Maybe we don't hate
each other 'cause we both
like this movie.
(LAUGHS)
"We are connecting on that.
"Hey, we're still together.
"All these years later,
we still love each other,
right?
"During the movie, yes.
When the movie's over,
'You fucking bitch.
"'Why am I still with you?
We have nothing in common.
"'Something's missing."'
Anyways, I have no religion.
My parents did not
believe in God.
That was great.
They passed that along.
I didn't even have
a fucking choice.
They were like,
"Nope, don't do it."
"Really? So, when Grandpa
dies he goes to heaven?"
"Nope, he'll be
in the ground."
"Thanks, Dad.
Should I sleep now?
'Cause I...
"There's no way I'll have
a nightmare tonight."
(EXCLAIMS) "Fuck you.
I don't believe
in nightmares, either.
"Fags have nightmares.
"If there was a God,
why would there be
a Holocaust? Go to bed, Son.
"Pleasant dreams."
Simmons is getting
a little dark.
What is he doing?
(EXHALES)
(SOFTLY) When you hear
the waitress's footsteps
that's when you know
you're not doing well.
(SIGHS)
Oh, boy,
it's quiet in here.
You hear that?
I think I can
hear the freeway.
Hello! I'm Ira Wright.
I'm not good-Iooking
and I'm not bad-Iooking.
I'm kind of right
in the middle.
So, like, if I had
a good personality,
that might make it so
girls really liked me,
but I don't. So...
Um... Uh...
Okay. George Simmons. Wow.
Now what do we do?
He seems unhappy
with his money.
Give it to me, I'II...
I could really spend that.
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
If he's depressed with
his life, I don't know
what I'm gonna do.
I live on my friend's
pull-out couch.
So, anyway, I...
Wait, did you hear that?
Yeah, George Simmons
just shot himself
in the face backstage.
It's sad knowing
MerMan's crying inside.
Uh-oh!
Is he organizing
a mass suicide?
Is that where you're going?
Are you joining him?
Save some Kool-Aid for me.
Just do it.
Don't worry, the next guy
who's coming out has a dove
hidden up his asshole, so...
And then Robin Williams
is gonna slit his wrists
out here.
So, that's nice, also.
I am Ira Wright, everybody.
Thank you, very much.
Have a good night.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
(SIGHS)
Give me a break.
Yo! Hey! Hey!
This fucking guy.
What's up?
Hey. I'm sorry.
I'm parked right on
the other side of you
and I can't get in.
What, you come here
to make some jokes
to my face now?
You're hard to follow.
I didn't know what to say.
I'm sorry about that.
No, don't be.
I would've done the same.
You had to comment on it.
Yeah, you had
some funny shit.
You're a good writer.
Thank you.
Your friend...
Is that your friend?
The fatter version of you?
He's my roommate.
Yeah, he's really funny.
You got good stuff.
You're gonna be all right.
Wow, that is so nice
of you to say, man.
That's so...
I appreciate it. Hey!
You know, well, I've been
a really big fan of yours.
All of us.
We kind of grew up
on your shit and,
you know, incidentally.
So, that's so nice of you
to say, man. Thanks.
Thank you!
Nice to meet you, man!
(ENGINE REVVING)
You're gonna die!
And I'm gonna
kill you!
(LAUGHING)
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Man, that was awesome.
(JAPANESE POP MUSIC PLAYING)
LEO: Cats.
Can you dig it?
Mmm-hmm.
Just a bunch of cats.
Then me doing stuff.
Then back to the
cats doing stuff.
You've gotten 700,000 hits
in four days from this?
Yep. If you put
"cute kitten" in the title
of your YouTube video,
you're gonna get
a million hits.
Mmm-hmm.
And then I link
that to my website
and you can see my
stand-up on my website.
It's genius.
Why don't you
just call it like,
"Megan Fox Blows Someone"?
And then more people
would google that.
Hi. I've got two girls
coming over here
in a little bit.
Can you fold up
your bed, please,
into the couch?
I don't want the place
to look like a mess
when they get here.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I was watching this thing.
(PHONE RINGING)
MARK: All right? Okay.
Hello?
Hey, this is George Simmons.
(LAUGHS)
Fuck you, Craig.
What's happening, man?
It's not your
dumb-ass friend Craig.
It's George Simmons.
Oh!
I'm sorry. Hey.
Hey, how's it going, man?
Hey, hey,
good job last night.
You guys were pretty funny.
You and the triple-XL
version of you.
Oh. Yeah. Thank...
Thank you. That's...
I... Well, I appreciate that.
You guys are all right.
Good job. I...
I'm doing this
corporate gig
for MySpace
and I'm gonna need
some jokes and shit.
I was thinking maybe you guys
would want to write me some.
You know, he's kind of
a flaky guy, but I'm...
I've got nothing
going on, man.
I would...
I'd love to do that.
Sure. Totally. I'm in.
What kind of jokes
do you need?
Just shit about them
or computers
or whatever they like.
When you sprinkle
a little lemon there,
they get excited, you know.
That's no problem.
That makes sense.
So, you want to be held
accountable, come watch
me do them tomorrow?
I'll take you to the gig.
Okay, cool, yeah.
How should I...
How should I...
How should I get them to you?
I can give you my fax
number and my e-mail.
What's your e-mail?
My e-mail?
It's irasexira@yahoo.com.
Wow. I'm just... I'm starting
to reconsider asking you.
Don't do that.
It's from high school.
It was funny then.
Yeah, you should
change it.
It's, like,
13 years old.
Okay, I will.
I mean change it now.
Okay, I'll change it,
I'll change it ASAP.
Okay, don't say
"ASAP," either.
And don't say "I'm chilling"
or "It's all good"
or any of that stuff.
Okay, I don't.
I don't chill anyway,
so I won't.
And it's not all good,
so don't worry.
Okay, Ira.
Okay.
All right, Ira.
(LAUGHING)
Guys, that was
George Simmons
on the phone.
He saw me
do stand-up.
He thinks I'm funny!
He wants me
to write jokes for him!
What?
Yep!
Why?
Why? He thinks I'm funny!
This doesn't make
any sense at all.
No?
Jeez, I gotta
get started.
What is happening?
You forgot about the bed!
Friends.
Friends on MySpace.
Nerds.
Nerds... Nerds have
no friends in real life.
The more friends on MySpace,
the less friends
you have in real life.
"How does the softball
team at MySpace work?
"Does everyone
get picked last?"
That could be funny.
At some point, you should have
George say, "Fuck Facebook!"
"Fuck Facebook in the face!"
(BOTH LAUGH)
So, like, that's funny.
All right, tell George
I wrote that, okay?
Totally. Totally, man.
You gotta be like,
"Leo wrote that."
Yeah, no, no, no, totally.
Hey, Ira,
I think this is him!
(CHUCKLES)
He's got a limo!
Can we go out
and meet him?
No, no, no.
You can't say
hi to him.
Just let me get in
with him a little more
before I introduce
people to him.
Don't kiss his ass
too hard, all right?
Stars hate it
when you kiss
their ass too hard.
I hate it when people
kiss my ass too hard.
You do?
You hate it when people
kiss your ass too hard?
I hate it.
Man!
Hey. I feel like
we're going to prom.
Okay, well, we're not.
Okay, let's hit it!
This is good.
I like this one
about the guy from MySpace
and the guy from Craigslist
getting into a fight.
That's funny.
You're excited.
I am excited.
Yeah, that's good.
It's good to be excited.
I used to be excited.
Well, it's awesome.
It's exciting.
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(EXCLAIMS)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Wow!
GEORGE: Thank you!
Yeah!
Brought the nice legs
with you. Good job.
Hello, hello.
Good to see you, sir.
Welcome aboard.
Thank you.
The name's Dave.
Hi, Dave.
We may hit a few
bumps up there,
nothing too crazy.
We'll get you there.
Okay, cool!
All right.
Hope you enjoy
Chinese food.
I love it!
Very good.
Enjoy your flight.
Thank you.
Wow!
You guys were a little late,
so we had to put up
James Taylor first.
Karen, she's a silver sun
You'd best walk her way
and watch it shine
Watch her watch
the morning come
A silver tear appearing now
that I'm cryin', ain't I
I'm going to Carolina
in my mind
How'd you guys get him?
Everybody's got
their price.
Last year, we had Roger Waters
doing Dark Side of the Moon.
That love's
the finest thing around...
Okay, I thought it could
be funny if you just go,
"Fuck Facebook in the face!"
All right.
Hey, you do five minutes
before I go up there.
What? No. No, I can't
follow Fire and Rain.
Are you kidding me, man?
I can't follow it, either.
That's why you're going
up there.
Oh, yeah
Thank you, MySpace!
Fuck Facebook!
(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY)
I can't believe that.
He did the Facebook joke!
(LAUGHING) Yeah!
He did the Facebook...
I can't follow this, man.
I can't go on right now.
Give me this shit.
Get up there. Be a man.
This is a pretty big room.
Lot of people here.
Let's have another
round of applause
for James Taylor, everybody.
Yeah, do you
actually use MySpace?
No, no, no. I fuck girls, Tom.
I don't have time for that.
I wonder if Tom and Craig
from Craigslist would ever get
in a fight with each other.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Who would win that fight?
That's what I want to know.
Tom or Craig,
who's tougher?
Tom has more friends,
so that's probably good.
Craig has weirder
friends, though.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Craig has friends that
are willing to do a lot more
for cash. I will say that.
Eh?
What the fuck
was that all about?
You did all the jokes
you wrote for me.
Oh, man, I know.
I'm sorry. I panicked.
It's all they wanted.
They just wanted
MySpace jokes.
They didn't want...
That's why I hired you
to write me MySpace jokes.
I know, I'm sorry.
That one,
I didn't tell that one.
That one will work.
I guarantee you.
It better work.
They're paying me
300 grand.
TOM: Mr. George Simmons!
Really?
Thank you. Thank you.
All right, Tom, thank you.
Good evening, nerds! Yes!
What about Ira, everybody?
How'd you feel
about Ira Wright? Yeah.
That guy, man.
He is such a fucking nerd,
I can't believe he doesn't
work with you people.
Tom started MySpace
just to get friends,
I know it.
So, they say the more friends
you have on MySpace,
the less friends
you have in real life.
You know?
(IN HUSKY VOICE)
"I have 100,friends on MySpace!
"Yes!
"Isn't that great?
I have so many friends
on the computer."
"What are you doing tonight?"
"I'll be on the computer.
"That's what I do."
I hate the new generation
of coolness out there.
You just never get any
information out of people
you talk to, the youngsters.
"Hey, what are you doing?"
"Just chilling."
All right.
I know, you're chilling.
"What're you doing tonight?"
"Things." "Okay."
I like dumb people, you know.
They like to talk to you.
"Hey, what's going on?"
"I like lollypops."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Good."
"My favorite color
is butterscotch."
Do you ever get tired
of singing the same songs,
you know, over and over?
Do you ever get tired
of talking about your dick?
Yeah, I don't like...
I don't like
blowjobs very much.
I don't like...
A lot of guys
like the blowjobs,
I don't love them.
I never know what to do
with my hands. You know?
I'm always like...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You can either go
hands on the hips
or the salute is fun.
Yeah, it's always shocking
when a girl blows you.
You're like, "Really?
You want to do it? All right."
I got some advice
for the ladies out there.
When you are performing
that act on a fellow
don't ever say,
"You know, you're the first
guy I ever got the whole
thing in my mouth.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Normally, normally, I get,
like, halfway down and I just
start fucking choking,
"but with you,
I got a ball in my mouth!
"That's never happened!
"Look, I have him
in my mouth right now, and
I'm speaking perfectly clear.
"Normally I have a stutter."
That wasn't a pee,
that was a shit.
That took too long.
Here's 1,000 bucks.
Good job.
Thank you so much, man.
I've never made this much
money doing anything, man.
Thank you.
Good.
I'm thinking about doing
a lot more stand-up.
Okay.
And my assistant
got pregnant.
I didn't even know she...
I thought she was
a fucking lesbian
the whole time, but...
They can get
pregnant, too.
That's nice.
That's very nice.
Yeah.
So, you want to kind
of assist me, you know?
Yeah! Yeah.
I mean, not, not...
I mean, you can write
jokes for me, too,
but get me sodas...
Whatever you need, man!
...and, like,
clean my shit up and...
Yeah.
How much money
you make now?
It depends
on how many hours.
Usually,
I can get about...
I'll give you
1,500 bucks a week.
That's amazing, man.
Thank you so much.
You want to fuck
these two girls?
Hey, the JT.
George.
That was the best.
You killed them.
Ira.
Hello.
Yes, Mr. Taylor.
Yes, hello.
You wanna fuck
these girls?
I filled my quota
in 1982, I believe.
All right, I'll have
to figure this shit out.
I know those girls.
You do?
Do you want
to meet those girls?
Will you fucking settle down?
Yeah, talk to them.
Be gentle.
You're twitching
like a fucking madman.
That guy in porno?
No. I would know.
No?
Mandy.
Well, hi there.
You're still swimming?
Get the fuck out of there.
I'm ready for you.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Feel that stomach.
Oh. Yeah.
I like that thing.
Good. Well, go for it.
It's hard. Bam!
(EXCLAIMING)
MANDY: This house is crazy.
GEORGE: Oh, yeah,
you got to see
the whole thing.
Come here.
It came furnished.
Really?
(GEORGE MOANING)
GEORGE: That's my man, Ira.
He wrote a lot of good
jokes for me there, honey.
Make sure he shows
you his cock.
It's very, very thick.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
See you, George.
Hey, wanna have a contest
to see who can hold
their breath the longest?
(GASPS)
(SPITS)
You didn't go under.
Nothing's gonna
happen between us.
I can't believe
I'm having sex
with George Simmons.
Yeah, he can't
believe it, either.
My dad loves
your movies.
Yeah, that's the best
when you talk
about your dad.
(MOANING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Dad, this won't
bring Mom back!
I have nothing else!
BO Y: You're a champion, Dad!
You're a champion!
Oh! You're still here.
I know that asshole.
You two were
just fucking, huh?
How'd that go?
No, I have a boyfriend.
We already talked about it.
Yeah. John.
Yeah.
Your friend took off.
She thought you left, so...
Really?
That's what happens
in a big house.
It's called
"the big house
problem."
Your friend actually
left her purse
down the hall.
You want to go
get it with me?
Oh. Okay.
(MUMBLING)
Don't you leave
on me, Ira.
Fuck me like MerMan!
Come on! Do MerMan!
Do the MerMan call!
Come on!
(WHOOPING)
Oh, yeah!
Yeah! Oh, God!
Hey.
Oh. Hey.
Sorry about
the chick, man. I...
You weren't getting it done,
so something had to happen.
Oh, that's... No, she...
I wasn't even trying.
She told me
she had a boyfriend.
Oh, yeah. She told me
she had a boyfriend, too.
(SINGING) When she
was sucking my cock!
(GAGGING)
(RETCHING)
What the fuck are you doing
with that big dick of yours?
You gotta use it!
You gotta share
Thickie with the world.
I don't... It's normal.
You want to go upstairs, man?
Talk to me while
I try to fall asleep?
Okay, if...
Yeah, if that's
what you want me to do.
Yeah, yeah.
Sit down, man.
That was a fun night.
That was a good night.
Yeah, that was crazy.
Yeah.
So, you slept with
both those girls, man.
How did you do that?
How did I do that?
There's this...
Girls like famous guys.
It's a story for them,
I guess. I don't know.
I take advantage
of it, though.
Believe me, they always
leave disappointed.
(YAWNING)
That's amazing.
Yeah, yeah, so let me hear
about this name, Ira Wright.
That's not your
real name, right?
How could you tell?
(CHUCKLES)
You're hiding some Judaism.
No, my real
last name is Wiener.
It's Ira Wiener
and everyone...
It's spelled the same
as "wiener" and I just got
tired of correcting people.
So, that's what led you
to the path of comedy.
Being humiliated every day.
First day of school,
(IN FEMALE VOICE)
"Is Ira Wiener here?"
And you were in the back.
(IN KID'S VOICE)
"Wiener. My name's Wiener."
You little fruit.
What were your parents like?
What are the older
"Wieners" or Wieners like?
My parents are divorced.
They hate each other.
My mother thinks
my father's the devil.
I don't know
what that makes me,
technically, but...
So, you'll never
be as funny as me.
Why not?
Your generation
has the divorces,
which is cute-funny,
but my generation has the,
"Oh, my God, my father's
about to hit me with a bat!"
I just... You gotta break out
the funny a lot quicker than
your little faggy childhood.
(YAWNING)
Are you serious?
I spent my whole
childhood trying
to make my father laugh.
I still haven't succeeded,
but we'll get there.
Don't bail on me yet.
Keep it coming.
When's the first time
you fingered a girl?
I was at summer camp,
Jewish summer camp,
on the sports field.
And her name
was Sharon Mizrahi.
I didn't know what to do.
I got really scared.
She reached down
and grabbed my penis
really hard,
like she was just
trying to murder it.
Morning.
Yeah, baby.
It took me three hours,
but I think
I found your kitchen.
Am I in the
bathroom still?
Is that it?
No, no.
You're good.
You're safe.
What do you
got there?
This is medicine, Ira.
I'm sick.
One of those girls
have chlamydia?
I thought she smelled funny.
Is that what it is?
Yeah.
I have a weird blood disease.
AML. It's a form of leukemia.
This is experimental
medicine from Canada.
There's an 8º% chance
of it working. So, fuck me.
Well, that's not true
'cause if it was,
I would've read about it
or heard about that.
You didn't hear
about it because
I didn't fucking
run out and tell
Entertainment Tonight.
Well, why would
you tell me?
'Cause I don't
really know you, Ira.
I think you're not gonna
get too weird about this.
I don't want to start
getting treated like
the guy who's gonna die.
So, anyways, this shit's
got a lot of caffeine in it.
They say that's good for you.
Let me take the medicine.
Why are you telling
me this, George?
'Cause I want you
to possibly do me a favor.
Okay. Yeah. What?
Kill me.
What?
Nobody knows
we know each other.
You're a stranger.
You can get away with this.
I got a gun
in the other room.
It's untraceable.
I'll give you $50,000.
Don't make me suffer.
Please, kill me, Ira.
I'm begging you.
Can you at least
give me, like, a night
to think about it?
Ha!
Think about it?
You would do it!
Oh, I hate you, man.
Oh, no!
Ira, I misread you.
You're sick!
You're a murderer!
Screw you, man.
You wanted to do it!
What would you have
done for $100,000?
Chop my head off?
You would still
want to do it!
That wasn't even
good acting over there!
What the fuck?
That was good acting.
Daniel Day-Lewis would've
crushed that speech.
I bought that, man. Wow!
Ira, you don't have
to kill me,
but I am gonna die.
George, look.
Honestly, I'm like...
Don't get close, Ira.
...a really gullible guy.
Don't do this.
Look, my friends,
they trick me
all the time.
One of my roommates told me
he was Joe Pesci's son.
I believed him
for three years.
I still get shit for it,
so just, please,
level with me, man.
Are you serious?
I am serious, Ira.
Don't tell anybody
about this though,
all right?
I want it to be
our secret.
Now, you're gonna
make me some eggs.
Okay, murderer?
(SOFTLY) Don't say that.
Just try not to kill
any of the staff
while I'm gone, okay?
They have families.
IRA: Well, he actually
tricked me first,
but then he showed...
I mean,
he's taking medicine.
He's getting this
special medicine
from Canada.
MARK: Oh, my God,
that's the saddest thing
I've ever heard.
Yeah. I think I'm the
only person he's told.
That's what he said.
I mean, he's really...
He likes me, in a weird...
I think he's, like,
taken a shine to me,
you know.
Not enough to let you in
on that two-on-one.
Come on, that's
not appropriate.
I don't want
that anyway.
IRA: I just don't know.
I mean, it's...
It's really scary.
I've never even...
I don't think
I've known anyone
who's, like, sick,
you know, in like
a major way before.
I don't... I just...
LEO: George Simmons.
He's been around
my whole life.
It's like Snap, Crackle
and Pop dying, you know?
IRA: I know.
Can we not talk
about this right now?
I'm not really good
with the whole death thing.
Is that all right?
I need to talk about it, man.
I work for this guy now.
I can't...
I mean, that's all I'm...
It's all I'm thinking about.
I'm gonna tell you
this story that makes me
feel all right with death.
When I was younger,
my grandfather died
and we were all
gathered around him
and there was
this one candle
next to his bed.
And right after he died,
the candle started flickering
and then it just went out.
Wow.
Yeah.
And we looked around,
and there were no windows.
Like, nothing
in that room.
And it sounds crazy,
but we all thought
it was him going
to heaven, you know?
You don't pass through
fire to get to heaven.
I think he went to hell.
(SCOFFS)
What'd you just say?
LEO: I just...
I think your grandfather
probably went to hell.
Don't do it.
Are you kidding
me right now?
I'm... I'm sorry
to break it to you.
You're gonna make
fun of me right now,
just after I opened up
to you guys like that?
It's not my fault
your grandfather's
in hell.
It's not a big deal.
Some grandpas go to hell.
Come on.
Don't be a jerk to me
just because I make
more money than you guys.
How much do you make again?
(LEO LAUGHING)
You guys are just projecting
all your hatred onto me.
Okay, and don't be
super bummed out
'cause your grandfather's
playing backgammon
with Hitler right now.
Shit, dude, don't.
(GRUNGE MUSIC PLAYING)
GEORGE: I gotta get
rid of this stuff.
Man, I don't know what
I'm gonna do with it.
The more money you make,
the more free shit
they give you.
It makes no sense.
I don't see any jet skiing
in my near future.
All this shit was free?
You want a TV, Ira?
I got, like, three
flat screens laying
around in there somewhere.
Sure, I can... Yeah,
I can just take this stuff
to Goodwill if you want or...
You know what?
Don't even worry
about this stuff. Let's...
I got some cars in storage
you could sell for me
and just give
that money to charity.
I can do that, yeah.
I'm gonna write
a list out for you,
give you a bunch
of things
I want you to do.
What size sneaker are you?
Eleven and a half.
(EXCLAIMS) You got that
thick cock, don't you?
I want to see that thing.
Come on, pull the cock out.
I'm not gonna
show it to you.
What the fuck's
the matter with you?
I'm not gonna do
anything with it.
I just want to know
what I'm dealing with.
If you give me an iPod.
You asshole.
All right, you can
have anything in here,
but you gotta take
the MerMan poster.
No, I want...
I love MerMan!
I knew you loved MerMan.
You and
five-year-olds
love MerMan.
It's a smart movie.
So, which, specifically,
of the cars belong
to George Simmons?
Which one?
Yeah.
All of them.
All of them?
Yeah.
Well...
How would I go
about selling?
Selling them?
Yeah.
Well, I don't know about
selling them but I can
make a few disappear.
You know what I'm saying?
I don't want
to do that.
I don't want
to do that, either.
Just kidding.
DIRECTOR: Scene D is up!
Let's go on a bell.
Yo Teach!
(BUZZING)
And action!
All right now...
Bradford!
Yeah?
What is this?
Bo's English test.
Well, there's
a mistake.
Well, yeah, there
are lots of mistakes.
That's why
there's an F on it.
PRINCIPAL: You know, if Bo
doesn't pass, he can't play
in the big game Friday.
Either you
make this right,
or you'll be spending
the summer teaching
driver's ed. Honk, honk!
Shit.
I can't be
a part of this.
I'm not...
Yeah. I'm gonna go.
This is just so painful,
though, isn't it?
Yes, I want to kill myself.
So, where are you from,
originally?
You just moved here, right?
Yep. Delaware.
Delaware! Our first
state in the Union.
Yes, it is.
That's great.
No sales tax
in Delaware, right?
Yeah, there's not.
That's weird.
You know so much
about Delaware.
You fucking Joe Biden?
He's from Delaware.
See? I knew that.
Bo, you're a smart kid.
I've seen you rap.
Yeah!
MARK: All right?
Now, I am willing to give
you a makeup exam on this,
all right?
Do you like music?
Did you just ask me
if I liked music?
Yeah. That... I'm...
I'm aware that
that's a weird question.
It's like asking me
if I like food.
That was my next question.
Yes.
Good.
Wilco. Do you like Wilco?
Wilco's playing
at the Greek Theatre.
And I was just
wondering if you maybe
wanted to go with me.
Yeah. I'll go. I'd be
into that. I like Wilco.
Great.
Okay, great, great.
So, I guess we will go
to the show together.
Not anymore.
You serious?
No, I'll go.
Oh, okay. Thank you.
Just don't say
that ever again.
Okay. I won't.
Yo, Teach!
Yeah?
Thanks.
Word.
(SINGING) Do-ra-mi, wiener
(SINGING) Do-ra-mi, wiener
My name is Wiener
My name is Wiener
My name is Wiener
Don't call me wiener
Whatever.
You got any jokes
for me, dum-dum?
Got some good ones,
I think, actually.
I have a thing
about how, like,
you're rich, you know,
and so you bought
a private jet,
but you're
afraid of flying,
so you just
drive in it.
Oh, that's funny.
You just go to
drive-throughs
and car washes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll come up with the ending,
but that was good.
I thought it could
be funny about your balls,
you know, about how, like,
you're getting older
and you found the first
gray hair on your balls.
And it really worried you,
but then you realized
it was good
'cause it made
your balls look
distinguished and smart.
Like, if you gave your balls
a little tweed jacket with
elbow pads and a little pipe,
your balls could be like
a character Kevin Kline
would play in a movie.
Yeah, that's funny,
that's funny.
I could do that.
What else you got?
Actually, this just
kind of happened.
I'm making you
an iTunes playlist.
For what?
Sometimes,
when I'm upset,
music makes me
feel a little better,
so I thought maybe...
Oh, it's
a cheer-me-up thing?
I was gonna just
put it on your iPod.
I don't have to
play it right now.
For what?
For when I go out jogging?
I don't need to...
Let me hear it.
I don't jog anymore.
Let me hear my playlist.
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHISPERING) Ira! Ira!
Okay, you don't have
to make fun of it.
No, Bob Marley!
Yes. Everything
is gonna be all right.
You're right, Ira.
Bob Marley had cancer.
Everything wasn't
all right for Bob Marley.
He dead now.
(LAUGHS) What else
you put on there for me?
I really don't want
to do this, George.
Can we just... I'll...
Just forget I did this.
Ignore it.
I'll erase it, okay?
No, no, no, don't do that.
Let's hear what's gonna
cheer me up! This is good.
Come on. What else you got?
Okay, here's
the next one.
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(MOUTHING) Now I've had
the time of my life
No, I never felt
like this before
I don't know what
to say to that one.
That's... That's just...
That's just fifth grade and...
Showing me your cock
was embarrassing,
but this is okay?
Oh, God.
That's a good song.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, what else?
Give me more. This is...
This is unbelievable.
(SIGHS) You sure you want
to hear another one?
I don't...
Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
This is fun
to be cheered up.
(SIGHS) I'm sorry...
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) Shadows are falling
And I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart
for a while
If I leave you,
it doesn't mean
I love you any less
Keep me in your heart
for a while
When you get up
in the morning
And you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart
for a while
Just write me some jokes,
you stupid, fucking idiot.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Keep me in your heart
for a while
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, I'm not married.
I don't think I'm ever
gonna get married.
I just... I can't find
a reason to do it, you know?
Like, I got friends, like,
"You gotta get married.
My wife.
"My wife is a...
She's the best cook.
"My wife's the... You gotta."
And I'm like,
"My cook's the best cook."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"But my wife,
she's my best friend."
"Yeah, my cook's actually
a pretty good guy. " You know?
This could be funny.
Like, your dad didn't
like you, so he named
you and your dog George.
He'd be like,
"Hey, George,
come in here!
"Not you, the dog."
"George, I... Look at this
awesome book I just got!"
And then you
come in, it's like,
"Not you, the dog."
That's funny.
Yeah.
"Hey, George, I made
a nice steak for you."
"Hey, thanks, Dad."
"Not you, the dog."
"Hey, George, I just put some
peanut butter on my balls.
Come lick it up. You."
Fuck him.
I miss the dry hump
as a concept in my life.
It just doesn't...
I miss the dry hump 'cause
you don't need a big dick
to be a good dry humper.
You just need a big thigh,
that's all you need.
Be able to get your thigh
in there real good.
I can thigh
the hell out of a girl.
Sexually,
I'm completely terrible,
but I could do this all day.
I'm very rich, by the way.
I know that makes you feel
good about your life.
I got so much.
(IN HUSKY VOICE)
"You have so much.
Why not me?"
I have people stop me
on the streets
sometimes, just go,
"You have so much!"
"Yes, yes." "Why not me?"
Like, "I don't know."
(IN HUSKY VOICE)
"Why you? I came out
here to do what you do."
"Well, you're not doing it."
"No, I'm not!
"Fuck you!
I want all your money
and all your whores."
Airplanes are
the last public place
where you can fart
as loud as you want
and no one cares.
'Cause they don't...
It's loud.
There's engine noise.
They just don't
know it's you.
Like, you could
literally be talking
to someone you just met
and be sitting this
far away from them
and look them dead
in the eye as they talk
about their grandson
and just fart as loud
as you humanly can. Just...
(IMITATING FART)
"Yeah? Where's
your grandson from?"
My asshole's been
open this whole time.
It's just still...
Hey, can you help me with
some of my jokes when I...
When I drop you off later?
Help you with
some of your bits?
Yeah.
No. I'm not gonna
help you, man.
No one helped me
when I started.
Fucking,
I'm not paying to help you,
I'm paying you to help me.
No, okay.
You're right,
you're right.
There is always the one
girl out there, though.
The one that got away.
Guys have that
and serial killers have that.
The one that got away.
"I had her,
the trunk was lined
with garbage bags
"and then she got away."
I'm sick of rap songs
telling me what to do.
"Bend over.
Slap your ass, girl.
Drop it like it's hot."
Yeah, I'm gonna
write a song back.
I'm gonna be, like,
"Boy, brush your teeth!
"Yeah, boy, bump that
jacket off your back.
I'm fucking cold as shit!"
I masturbate so much
with hand cream,
I forget people
use it for shit other
than masturbating.
Literally,
when I'm in public and I see
someone pull out hand cream,
I'm like, "This guy's
about to jerk off!"
Can I ask you
something?
Is your act just designed
to make sure no girl will
ever sleep with you again?
All you fucking talk about
is jacking off and farting.
You think a girl's
gonna come up
to you after the show,
"Could you just
jack off for me
and then fart in my face?"
It's fucking insane!
Do you want
to get laid, ever?
(SINGING) How will you
people live without me?
Who will bring you joy
when I'm gone?
'Cause I'm one funny man
I bring the comedy
I am the one you go to,
to get cheered up
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
Put in my movies
Escape, if you will
To a land of loveliness
He doesn't have patience
He hates so many people
He's mad when others do well
He hates himself
Fuck George Simmons
He has a medium-sized penis
He fucked so many girls
And yet no one remembers
When he's done fucking them
The girl just
lays there and says
I should have fucked
Jean-Claude Van Damme
instead of you
Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah!
George Simmons
soon will be gone
And he will not
miss you people at all.
Our relationship has
always been strained.
You always wanted
too much from me,
and I'm very mad at you.
Leave me alone.
Don't visit my grave,
cocksuckers.
Peace!
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
IRA: Oh, my God,
it's George Simmons!
What are you doing here?
What's happening?
I couldn't sleep.
I want to get
the Cavaliers game.
I couldn't sleep.
I want to get
the Cavaliers game.
I can't get this
thing ever to work.
I was up all night, man.
I had a terrible sleep.
I was sweating my ass off.
I'm fucking hot one second
and cold one second
and the alc
don't work for shit.
It's always going
up to the roof.
What time is it?
It says 3:00.
It's 3:00? God damn it!
I can't fucking waste time.
I gotta...
All right,
let's start my goddamn day.
I don't got time
for this shit.
Let me have that
stupid clicker. Come on.
They keep telling me that
I gotta dial an extension.
I don't even have
the fucking number to dial
for the fucking extension!
Do you want me
to try calling them?
You should have
fucking called them!
Where the fuck
were you last night?
You'll call them.
I'm sorry, man.
Just tell me what you need,
I'll get it done, okay?
You pay for all of this stuff
and none of it ever works!
Nothing!
I don't even
think I'm sick!
These guys are trying
to fucking kill me!
I want to go to the doctor.
I gotta see this guy.
What the fuck is happening?
This medicine does not work.
It makes it worse!
Okay. I'll call them
right now. I'll tell
them we're coming, okay?
Now. We gotta go now.
I'll call them
right now, okay?
Yeah.
I'll meet you downstairs.
(ENGINE REVVING ONSCREEN)
Please put away
the video game.
Don't do that. Don't be rude.
I'm sorry.
Fucking playing Centipede?
What the fuck
were you playing?
Just a driving game.
Hello, Mr. Simmons.
Hey, yeah, Doctor,
good to see you.
How are you?
I brought my friend.
This is my...
Well, my lover, my life
partner, my everything.
How are you?
What's going on?
How we doing?
Well, your immune system
is in the middle of
a very serious battle.
The medicine is trying
to combat the disease,
but in the process
it destroys healthy tissue
and disrupts healthy
functioning of your organs
and multiple
lymphatic systems,
so you're getting
attacked on two levels.
And we hope the disease
is vanquished
before it and the medicine
does damage
which cannot be contained.
Okay.
Your accent
is very thick.
You ever notice
your accent
makes things sound
worse than they...
Than they actually are?
You could give good news,
and I'd still be like,
"What happened?
Am I still dying?"
I'm just trying
to help you.
I know you sound
like a regular Joe
where you come from,
but here I keep thinking
you're gonna be torturing
James Bond later.
I'm sure your sense of humor
will serve you well
in this situation.
There he goes again.
All so terrifying because
it came out of your mouth.
You are a very funny man.
Are you mad that you died
at the end of Die Hard?
I don't understand
the reference.
He kind of looks
like those two guys
in the second Matrix movie.
(CHUCKLES)
I assure you I was
not in The Matrix.
Why did you eat Björn Borg?
What did he do to you?
If you have
no other questions,
I do have other patients.
You have other patients
that you have to frighten
by the end of the day?
How many patients
do you frighten a day?
And I am slowly getting
a little bit annoyed
by these humorous
activities from you guys.
So, I think you and...
We have discussed
this and I am very,
very sympathetic
to your recovery,
and I hope we will succeed
with what we are doing.
I've been trying
to build this cabinet
I bought from you guys
for, like, six months
and I gotta...
IKEA? That's very funny.
Hey. Yo, Teach.
Hey.
How's... How was the taping?
Great. Great, yeah.
I'm happy with it.
I think the ending
really murdered.
Was it a very
special episode?
You remember
Daisy, right?
Yeah, of course.
Hey.
MARK: I'm sorry.
I didn't know you'd
be coming home tonight.
I thought maybe you'd
be spending the night
at George's and...
Guess it's been
more than 10 days, huh?
(SOFTLY) Yeah,
I gave you an extra 11.
What are you guys
talking about?
Nothing.
Doesn't matter.
It's cool.
Don't give a shit.
Totally fine.
Hey. I saw the new
Harry Potter movie.
Harry's getting old.
He's, like,
older than my dad.
They should call
him Harold Potter.
That Hermione's got
some big, old titties.
Whoa!
Did you two just bone?
I'm getting a little
vibe here.
This is exciting.
Think I'm getting
a quarter chub.
(SIGHS)
Why is Ira so upset?
It's been, like,
way after 10 days.
He can't call dibs
on every girl he meets.
We were supposed to go out
on a date together.
We are going
out on a date.
I thought so.
We're not anymore! No!
Really?
'Cause after you
fuck my roommate
that kind of ends it with me!
What are you talking about?
Don't treat me like that.
Just so you know
how I'm seeing you?
You're a starfucker.
You're a girl who met
a star and then fucked him.
And he's not even
that famous!
What if like a real
good-looking celebrity
was my roommate?
What if I lived with,
you know, James McAvoy
or Jude Law or something?
I don't know.
I probably would fuck
both of those people.
Don't say that.
I'm sorry!
Lower the bar
a little bit.
I can't believe that!
(GROANS)
If a hot girl walked over
here, naked, and was like,
"Do my body," you would.
You would have
sex with her.
No, I'd feel
really uncomfortable.
And then I might ask
her to a Wilco show.
Okay, then you're the first
guy in the world that I've
ever met that's like that.
I thought you were
the kind of girl
that would wait two months
and then have
sex with a guy.
I didn't think
you would just...
I'm an independent woman.
I'm allowed
to fuck people.
Well, if I had known that,
I would have scheduled
our date a lot sooner!
Give me a break.
I don't even know you.
This is the longest
conversation
we've ever had.
Don't be mad at me.
I said I'd give
you 10 days.
I gave you three weeks.
I thought you
were joking, man.
I'm gonna be
honest with you.
We... We... We want to fuck
every girl that we meet.
That's how it works.
If I didn't sleep with
every girl you wished
you could sleep with,
I wouldn't sleep
with anybody.
It's a communication
breakdown.
We can fix this.
I don't care.
The fact that you
had sex with her...
I can never do anything
like that with her.
So, you're really not
gonna chase this girl
just because I was with her?
Yeah.
Huh.
It's kind of insulting,
on some level.
Wanna go to Wilco with me?
I wish I could,
but I'm going
with Tobey Maguire.
I might play
his little brother
in this movie.
(SIGHS)
I hope I get it.
GEORGE: Give me something.
You didn't get rid of them.
What did you get rid of?
IRA: Well, I, you know,
I got a few good offers,
but honestly, I don't
know how much each car
is worth and I...
They keep on wanting
to buy all of them
and it's hard for me to...
Don't make it a big deal.
Don't get
a stomach-ache over it.
Just sell them.
Give it to a charity.
Move on.
Okay.
I just want to be
happy about
giving something
away, you know.
Okay.
So...
There's something
I've really been wanting
to tell you, George.
Uh-oh.
Yeah.
I feel as though you need
to tell someone other than me
about your condition.
I don't want to do that.
George,
people care about you.
You have to let them
be there for you.
I tell somebody,
then it's all gonna change,
and you can't get it back.
Everything's
already changed, George,
and the truth is
soon you're gonna
start getting very sick
and you are gonna want
someone other than me there.
I mean, have you...
Have you even told
your parents yet?
My parents are
in their mid-70s.
They would drop dead
if they heard about this.
Friends. You must want
to tell your friends.
I don't really
have any friends.
I have people
I shoot the shit with
and fuck around with,
but there's nobody
I'm really close with.
I've got showbiz friends.
Andy Dick isn't a friend.
He's just a guy you know.
You're my closest friend,
and I don't even like you.
(SIGHS)
You have to tell
someone other than me, man.
I can't be
the only one who knows.
I've never dealt
with anything like this.
All my grandparents
are alive.
Listen,
this is not your job to cry.
Your job is to not cry.
I'm just trying
to talk to you
man-to-man, George.
As a man, you are
crying right now.
I'm not crying.
People are gonna think
we just broke up
or something, Ira.
Stop doing what
you're doing.
Okay, I'll stop.
You're causing a scene.
You're making
crazy faces now, Ira.
Open your eyes.
Stop crying.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
You're making noises now?
You look like
the Incredible Hulk.
(SPLUTTERS)
Jesus,
you're spitting
on my shrimp,
you asshole.
I'm sorry.
(SNIFFLES)
God, I'm sorry.
Come on.
Wipe it off.
Jesus Christ.
I'm sorry, I just don't know.
This is the worst.
Why didn't I just get hit
by a fucking foul ball?
You ruined The Palm,
you fucking ass.
This could have been
the best meal, ever.
Should I get you
ice chips or something?
No, I'm good.
You never had any kids, huh?
No. No.
We didn't get to that.
I have three.
I know.
Three kids to carry
on the Dick legacy.
How the hell did you have
any kids with all
the penises you've blown?
I sucked my own dick
and spit it
into their vagina.
I mean, knowing that.
Most people just go
through life asleep anyways.
Some of those people
don't even wake up
until they get, you know,
the Dr. Death call,
you know.
(IN HUSKY VOICE)
"This is Dr. Death!
You're going to die."
(RASPING) "Don't
be afraid, George.
"It's just Death calling.
Cheer up, motherfucker!"
Yeah.
Fuck negativity.
Fuck it in the ass
with a Chinese monkey!
I wish I wasn't
so fucking angry
with you right now.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I wasn't
a good brother.
You were
a terrible brother.
You just left us
and you didn't care.
You didn't give
a shit about us.
You don't even give a...
You moved to Kansas.
Am I supposed
to visit you in Kansas?
Yes.
I thought that's
why you moved there,
so you didn't get visitors.
You're so fucking selfish.
I know.
You've only seen my son,
like, three times.
I send him fucking
DVDs all the time.
He doesn't want your DVDs.
He wants you to be
a part of his life.
He wants to be
a part of yours.
Wow. This has been great.
I want to call Dad now
and just have
more family time.
What did we
ever do to you?
I'm not Dad.
You are right.
You're very, very nice,
and I'm sorry
I don't know your son.
I'm sorry I don't
know you anymore.
I'm glad you
don't know me.
I wish I did.
You'd be let down,
believe me.
Oh, man.
Oh, God.
Who's that?
That's the girl
I was gonna marry...
(DOORBELL RINGS)
...but then she
smartened up.
So, she's and she's six.
GEORGE: So cute.
Jeez, she looks like you,
the little one, huh?
Yeah.
What's the matter?
Your guy doesn't
have any DNA in him?
That's all Laura.
They fight a lot,
but they're cute.
Yeah.
Thank you so much
for coming here.
I wanted to come.
I wanted to see you.
You didn't have
to come here.
You didn't have to.
I know it's
stressful for you.
I'm just...
I'm just...
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry about
everything I did.
You don't have to be sorry.
That was 12 years ago.
Everything worked out
for the best.
It's good.
Look at your life.
This is great.
Yes. It's the best life.
I hate it. I hate it all.
I haven't been...
You don't hate it.
I'm addicted to it, I guess.
I keep doing it.
Hello, Wayne. This is Ira.
I'm calling to say
I don't think today
is a good day for you
to come by and see George.
Maybe tomorrow. So, I'll give
you a call when I know
what the schedule looks like.
Thank you.
I'll talk to you soon.
You have a family now.
You have a family now.
I'm so happy.
You did the right thing.
You moved on.
You got a good life.
And... And I just
got nothing, Laura.
I hate that.
I hate that it could
have been me with you.
Don't do that, please?
I'm sorry. I just fucking...
You... I could have
had those kids with you.
How could you cheat on me?
I was so hot.
You were.
You were so hot.
I don't know.
I was hot!
I don't even know what
the fuck I was doing.
I was just a stupid idiot.
I don't remember anybody else.
What was wrong with you?
I don't remember
anybody else.
I only remember you.
I don't know.
I don't even know
who they were,
who fucking ruined us.
They're not in
my brain, ever.
It's like it didn't happen.
The only thing
that happened was us.
And you ran away
'cause you had to.
I had to go.
At the time, I just
couldn't do it anymore.
Yeah.
But you know
what I realized?
I love my husband,
but it's just not the same.
And I loved you
so much and...
I know, I know,
I know, I know.
I have the same thing.
I have the same thing.
Don't feel bad.
Don't feel bad.
I love you. I love you.
I always loved you.
And the crazy thing is
he cheats on me, too.
I hate...
He's like an Australian you.
I fucking hate this guy.
Is he crazy?
It's just that
you were the one.
Just you are...
Were... Are the love...
Love of my life.
And I just love you.
Yeah, the hug
was a mistake,
wasn't it?
You're not sick, are you?
You're just doing that
to get me down here, huh?
(LAUGHS)
There are those
hands again.
My big hands.
Always made
my penis look small.
(LAUGHING)
Thank you, hands,
for that complex.
Yes. Jeez.
The two of them together,
it was a guaranteed dwarfing.
Okay.
(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)
Yeah.
That was worth it.
We're into overtime now,
just so you know.
(LAUGHS) Jeez,
that came quick.
I wish that you guys
were really my friends
and I didn't
have to pay you
to jam with me.
All right,
so let's keep going then.
(PLAYING SOFT ROCK MUSIC)
(SINGING) All my little
plans and schemes
Lost like some
forgotten dream
Seems like all I...
Diego.
Yes, George?
The roses
look terrific.
Thank you.
They sure
look beautiful.
Only a guy with a big cock
like you could make roses
this beautiful.
Don't need to be alone
No need to be alone
It's real love
It's real
Yes, it's real love
You doing stand-up at all?
This is actually
the first time I've left
the house in three years.
But I will sometimes,
in my house,
in front of my kids,
I'll do five, six minutes.
Not good stuff.
It's a lot of "Where
you from?" You know.
But, you know,
all kidding aside,
I know you're
in a terrible
situation,
but even with that,
you look so much
better than him.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(SINGING) The Kingdom
of Heaven is,
is in your hands
I don't expect
for you to awake
from your dreams
We watched your
last movie on video.
A man who is funny
doesn't have to work blue.
You don't...
You don't have to do
trash to be funny.
I'll tell you who was
a great comedian.
Please say me. Who?
Jackie Gleason.
Yeah, of course.
You like him
'cause you look
like Art Carney.
(ALL LAUGH)
Gleason was terrific.
And you ain't so bad.
All right.
Thank you, Pop.
I know.
(SINGING) It's real
It's real love, oh, yeah
(INAUDIBLE)
It's real love, yeah
It's real love
It's real
I think I played it
all wrong, Ira.
(SIGHS)
I played it all wrong.
Okay. He's here.
We saw each other.
Let me answer it. Mark.
Stop.
Let me answer it.
Mark, man.
Move, bitch!
Hey, George Simmons. Hey.
Hey, what's up?
Happy Thanksgiving.
Hey!
Mark.
Leo is the name I got.
How are you?
Yeah, yeah. Yo Teach!
That's right!
Yeah, right.
Oh, boy.
That movie's the best
'cause you're a man
then you're a baby
and then you learn
to be a man once
you be... You need...
It takes becoming a baby
to learn how to become a man.
Yeah. Can we get you
a drink or some food?
No, no, no.
Let me just walk around
and go through your shit.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, I'm Bo.
What's up, Bo?
I'm an actor, so...
Oh, good, good, good,
good, good, good.
GEORGE: I've seen
your act a lot.
Really? Where?
Schmira, he has that...
What's that, the YouTubey
thing that, that...
DAISY: The YouTube.
GEORGE: Yeah.
George and Daisy are here?
How the hell did that happen?
I didn't think
George would come,
and who invited Daisy?
I invited her.
Are you still
sleeping with Daisy?
No, I'm not
sleeping with Daisy!
I have a new girlfriend now.
I'm dating the girl
who plays Mrs. Pruitt.
Her name's
Carla something.
Can I sit next to
George at dinner?
Sit wherever the hell
you want to sit, man, why?
I feel like if I can just
make George crack up once,
it'll do huge things
for me, like...
What, you wrote
jokes for Thanksgiving?
I didn't write jokes.
I just wrote down
my funniest anecdotes
and punched them up
here and there.
Okay,
I can't hide in the kitchen
all afternoon. I'm going.
My man. The Schmira.
Thanks for coming, man.
This is the best.
Where's your bedroom?
Well, get ready for a hike,
'cause you're standing in it.
No.
It's...
Yeah, it's pretty lame.
Did you go to
that Wilco show?
Yeah, did you?
(LAUGHS)
No, actually, I didn't.
I scalped the tickets.
I made 100 bucks
profit, so...
Oh. So, you
owe me 50.
Okay, I guess I do.
Rain check, okay?
Money order.
Money order?
That'll work.
Yeah.
PayPal? Are you on PayPal?
Yeah, PayPal it up.
Look at that,
back and forth,
like a cute couple.
You're like
Marc Anthony
and J. Lo.
You know, we actually
had a date, but then
I had sex with that guy,
so Schmira broke it off.
GEORGE: You kidding me?
Don't worry, Ira. You know
you're a better lover
than Pete Rose over there.
Look at him. He's got
the length and the width.
Imagine that dong of his.
I saw the tip of it one time.
Even that was too big for me.
No, it's very normal.
Yeah.
So, you like big penises?
Well, you know,
I have a really
skinny vagina, so...
If it's skinny,
you should try
feeding it carbs.
(LAUGHING)
Yeah.
All right, well,
jeez, you know what?
I'm gonna leave
you two alone, huh?
Yeah, okay.
I'm falling in love
with the both of you.
Let the awkwardness begin!
MAN: Love your work.
GEORGE: Yeah? Thank you
for shopping at Ralphs.
I'm sorry.
I owe you an apology.
It's really weird what I did.
I basically yelled at you for
cheating on me before we had
even had a real conversation.
So, I'm aware of that.
I know that's weird,
and I'm sorry.
Well, it's not as weird
as getting drunk
and having sex with the guy
from Yo Teach! So...
It's okay.
When I first moved here,
I blew Mr. Belvedere.
(LAUGHS)
So, everyone does that.
He's walking.
George is walking to us.
Hello, ladies.
So, Leo?
What's the excuse for
not writing me jokes?
What?
You could have
made money.
I told both you guys
to write jokes for me,
and you decided not to.
What, did you have to go
to LensCrafters that day?
I was just joking.
I like your glasses.
He wanted both of us
to write jokes for him,
and you didn't tell me?
I apologize.
It's not worth, like,
losing your shit over, man.
What, you don't
think I like money?
You don't think
I like private jets?
You don't think
I want a cool job
writing for George Simmons?
I just think
you're doing well.
You know, you're getting gigs
at the lmprov all the time.
You're gonna have
people writing for you.
You don't need to be writing
for other people, you know.
I know, I'm just...
I'm sorry, I just...
I wanted something
for myself and I just,
you know...
It's just, you know,
fuck you, Ira!
Just 'cause you go
into faggy-apology mode
doesn't mean I'm gonna
forgive you right away!
Fuck you, man. Look, I did
the exact same thing you've
been doing this whole time.
You're being competitive.
You do that all the time.
I'm doing it now, okay?
I didn't make it competitive!
Yes, you did.
Have you ever had
to work for money? No.
You didn't work
at a coal mine, Ira!
You worked at a deli!
Stop crying about it!
I was only supposed
to be on that pull-out
couch for six months!
And we were
supposed to trade!
And we never did!
Yeah, we never did
switch after six months.
Yeah. Exactly.
You know why?
'Cause I pay rent, Ira!
You don't pay rent.
Your parents pay rent!
Why don't they move in?
It's your fault.
Hey, hey, hey. Pilgrims,
Indians, can we please
stop fighting?
It's Thanksgiving.
We have guests inside.
Please stop.
I'm not fighting anymore.
I'm done fighting.
Thank you.
LEO: You called
Daisy a starfucker?
Why don't you go cup
George Simmons' balls
while you talk
him to sleep
every night, Ira?
Leo.
Sorry.
I would let you do that, too.
My balls are for everybody.
Okay.
It's starting to feel like
Thanksgiving around here.
Let's eat some food.
I can't believe you
screwed Daisy, man.
What?
So, does anybody
want to say
grace or anything?
Leo's a good writer,
apparently.
Come on, get up there.
Yeah, Leo.
MAN: Leo!
Do it, Leo.
I'm okay,
I'm okay.
All right, let me go.
I'll do it for us.
Let me get it done.
Okay, so first
let's give thanks to our
families not being here.
(ALL AGREEING)
It's always easier,
always easier
without the family.
It's funny, I see you guys
and you are just so much
younger than me.
And I had no idea
I was the old guy
until I looked at you guys.
It was like when
I was growing up,
I had a big nose.
I had no idea
until I went to the Gap
and saw a three-way mirror,
and I was like,
"Wow, I didn't know
I had that thing."
(ALL LAUGH)
Yeah. No, it's a...
It's good to be young.
It kind of sucks being old,
so just enjoy this.
Enjoy time.
Time slips away,
I promise you.
I had a dinner
like this 20 years ago
with guys that we just, like,
lost touch with each other.
I never talk to them anymore.
Some of them are dead.
So, yeah, you don't...
Things slip away.
If you love somebody,
don't let them slip away.
I swear to you,
this will be your most
memorable Thanksgiving,
the one that you'll want
the rest of your life,
the one that you say,
"Man, it was never
as good as that night."
So, let this night be great.
Enjoy the taste
of Leo's balls.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Rock 'n' roll!
Jesus, every time
I'm near you I feel like
fucking Danny DeVito.
Everybody feels like
Danny DeVito when,
you know, they walk by me.
Yeah. You're a giant.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, yeah.
Um...
I don't want
to get your hopes up.
Mmm-hmm.
We put you on this
experimental medication
without much optimism.
About 8º% of all the people
that we put on this medication
get positive results.
Mmm-hmm.
You actually
belong to these 8º% .
I looked through
your blood work,
and I couldn't find
any traces of the disease.
I don't want
to speak too soon,
but we may have
beaten this thing.
Are you fucking with me
'cause I fucked with you?
So, that's
the good news,
Mr. Bond.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
So, this is, this is...
This is good news.
Like my accent now?
Now I like
your accent, yeah.
I was excited all morning
to tell you this news.
So, what happens now?
What do I...
What do I do now?
Maybe you can make
another funny movie
that I could laugh about.
Yeah. Wow.
I wasn't expecting
this to really work.
I was getting
used to being sick.
I was actually thinking
I was pretty good at that.
Get back to your life.
(PHONE RINGING)
IRA: Hey, this is Ira.
I'm not in.
Leave a message.
(PHONE BEEPS)
(SINGSONGY) Ira, I have
a secret to tell you.
It will make you happy.
Hi. Bonita?
George.
I was sick, you know that.
And I just went
to the doctor's.
He said I'm
not sick anymore.
Oh, congratulations.
I found the pants
you're looking for.
They are in the closet.
Thank you.
Bye, George.
George! Is it true?
It's true.
Yes!
It's all right.
All right, go ahead.
Yeah!
All right.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, God! Yeah!
All right, baby.
All right, all right.
Now what the fuck do we do?
Hey, congratulations, George.
That's awesome, man.
Thank you.
You got cured of AIDS.
(LAUGHS) I didn't
have AIDS.
Hey, let me get
you a cocktail.
Hey, not an
AIDS cocktail.
A regular.
No, I don't
want a drink.
I'm good.
I'm gonna get one
of them ribbons.
You're alive?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Unbelievable!
This guy. This guy, man.
You got the women,
you got the fame,
and you can't fucking die!
Did you suck
the devil's dick?
What is it, man?
I wanna know the secret.
I actually told
a bunch of people
we did have sex,
so if you could
go along with that.
You did?
Yes.
Everybody wants to fuck me,
but it's better that I don't
because you don't want...
The mystery is definitely
more flattering...
Yeah?
...and the reality
is so, like, flobbety.
Like not the word, but...
Floppety? Yeah, lippety.
Yeah, I look like this.
Like a sandwich.
Like a... There's,
like, meat coming.
(CHUCKLING)
That would have been...
I could get...
(EXCLAIMING)
Look at that!
"Yippee-ki-yay,
motherfucker!"
Shit! Shit! I didn't know
you had energy like that.
Jesus...
How did he...
Like, how did he
know he had it?
He was saying... He said that
he was, like, dizzy and tired
and he went to the doctor,
and then he just got...
It was in his blood work.
That sucks 'cause
I get dizzy and tired.
Really?
Anybody... Anybody gets sick,
I think I'm going to get it.
Now, is it contagious?
It's not contagious?
No.
Can you get it, like...
I hope not. I don't think so.
I've been around him a lot.
I feel...
I feel...
I hope not, too, because
when you were talking,
a little bit of your spit
hit my lip, so...
It did?
Yeah.
Not that you got it,
but he spits on your lip,
you spit on mine,
next thing you know
I'm dead and my wife's
fucking George Lopez.
But I think the best thing
for you would be, you know...
The best cure,
besides the real cure,
is to get back to work
and do what you do.
There are stacks of offers
on my desk for you.
I mean, you can't swing
a dead cat without
hitting an offer for you.
Oh, good.
Yeah, you ready for this?
Paul Rudd wants to do
a bromance with you.
I think I might...
I just might even
not work for a little while.
I was thinking
maybe just, like,
taking time off,
try to get myself
in a relationship
with, like,
another human being,
a normal one.
Just see if I can
handle that.
Funny you should say that.
I've...
'Cause I invited someone.
Brought... Invited this
woman here today that
I think you'd really like.
I think you'd really
hit it off with her.
She's... She's great.
She's something new for you.
A real person.
She's not a waitress.
She's not an actress.
All right, thanks.
You know, the Internet
dating thing actually...
Actually kind of works.
That's good.
I've actually been
on a couple of JDates.
No way. What's that?
Yeah... What's a JDate?
What, is that
an Internet thing
I should know about?
I'm not...
I don't do that shit.
It's a website
where Jewish people
can find each other.
Really? A whole list
of Jewish people?
Yeah.
I didn't think Jewish people
liked to be on lists.
Because of the Holocaust.
Wow.
How's this going,
by the way?
It's been great to meet you.
You know what?
I think you fucked up.
How's that?
I think you fucked up.
I think...
(SIGHS)
I don't think you should
have took that medicine.
Why not?
I don't know. Personally,
I think you should have
just let yourself die.
Honestly, man, what are...
What are you gonna do now?
Make another
bullshit movie?
Fuck another chick
who doesn't like you?
You know? That was
your way out right there.
Hmm.
Now you're fucking stuck.
Yeah.
You're stuck just like me.
Can't go to fucking
Chuck E. Cheese.
I can't go to Target,
I can't go to Best Buy.
I can't go to fucking
Wal-Mart, Kmart.
You fucking name it,
I can't go there.
Yeah, that's true.
Everyone in this fucking room
is either staring at us,
wanting to take
a fucking picture.
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah. Got it.
E-mail that to me.
I will.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
Who the fuck
is that guy right there?
That fucking guy right there.
What? Ray Romano's
bothering you?
Who? Ray, Ray who?
Ray Romano, the guy from
Everybody Loves Raymond.
I don't give a fuck
what show he's on.
I'll fuck this
motherfucker up, man!
Hey.
Hey, Ray!
Hello, Marshall.
Fucking problem
here, buddy?
Would you like to fuck me?
Is that what this is?
I don't get it, man.
What's going on?
Would you like me
to fucking bend over
for you right now?
(WHISPERING) Say no.
No, man.
(EXHALES)
I just gotta always
be on my toes, man.
You know?
(SCOFFS) I see that,
but not with Ray Romano.
This is why I don't
go out of the house.
I thought
everybody
loved you.
So, now that you got this,
this second chance, man,
like, what do you want?
I kind of don't
want anything.
So, then what
are we celebrating?
Clarke?
(IMITATING PIRATE)
Yes, it's Clarke.
It's Clarke and I...
I'm calling to check
on you, matey.
(LAUGHING)
Yeah.
I'm back from the sea.
It's fun to play
with my didjeridu!
(IMITATING PIRATE)
You sound a little bit
like a pirate.
Do I sound Australian?
Is this what Clarke
sounds like?
That's a terrible
Australian accent.
What are you doing, Laura?
Am I bothering you?
Is he there?
No, no, no, no, no.
Am I supposed to hang up?
What's going on?
Clarke's away
for business in China.
Ah! Sent him out
for egg rolls again?
Are you guys all right?
What's going on?
Mable has her
recital tomorrow.
She's singing
Memory from Cats.
Oh, yeah?
You know
that song, Memory?
Yeah. I wish I could
be there to see that.
You can come.
I can come?
All right, I'm coming.
Your daughter will be
all right with that?
That I'm sitting
right next to you
holding you tight?
Stop. How are you feeling?
I'm doing good. I'm doing...
It is what it is. I...
So, what happened
with your tests?
Laura, let's not
talk about all that.
What did
the doctor say?
The Swedish Nazi?
He never has good news.
It is what it is.
I don't want
to talk about it.
Come on,
let's just talk about you.
What are you doing, Laura?
Do you want me
to talk you to sleep?
Oh, my God.
You remember.
You want me
to do that for you?
You will talk to me
while I try to go to sleep?
I'll put you on speakerphone.
That will be the best night
of my life.
Let's not go to sleep
yet, though, please.
Just talk to Laura.
IRA: Hello?
Hi, Ira.
Hey, how's
it going?
Ira, you're
my best friend.
(LAUGHS)
I like you, too.
You're my best friend.
You sound like you're
in a good mood, man.
(IMITATING PIRATE)
I'm in a great mood because
we're setting sail today.
We're gonna do
a gig together!
Ira and Georgie,
finally on the road!
Oh, we're setting sail,
are we? Where,
where are we going?
We're going to
the Port of San Francisco.
We set sail on the morrow.
How much time
am I supposed to do?
Oh, they've booked you
to do a minute for every
inch of cock you have.
You'll be doing
two and a half
to four minutes,
depending on your mood,
little Ira.
I was invited to a...
Or I was able
to go to a fundraiser
for Barack Obama,
when he was running
for president.
And you could walk
right up to him and I did.
And I prepared
a smart question
and I was like,
"Senator Obama, when you were
a student in Boston, did you
encounter any racism?"
And he said something really,
really interesting. He said...
He said, "I'm Kanye West."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
George, you have a visitor.
GEORGE: Oh.
Hi.
Whoa!
LAURA: Hello.
Wow.
Hey, hi!
Hey!
All right.
How are you?
LAURA: I'm good.
I'm so psyched
you came.
Wow, you look amazing!
Thank you.
Beautiful.
I think I overdressed.
No way.
You look incredible.
I just...
Where... Where is he?
Where is the Clarke?
The Clarke? He's out of town.
I was gonna bring
my friend Betsy with me,
but her son started
throwing up, so...
The husband's out of town,
baby's vomiting.
Rock 'n' roll.
(LAUGHING)
I like it. Yeah. Yeah.
Anyway, I don't
want to keep you
or get in the way.
No, don't run away.
Come on, Ira, say hello.
Hey, Ira.
Hey, how's it going?
So, I'll let you go.
I just wanted to say hi.
No cursing.
Don't curse so much.
Okay, all right!
Nothing dirty.
I don't know how.
You just cut my set
in half, but that's fine.
All right, see you, kid.
Okay, good luck.
Thanks for coming.
You gotta tell her I'm better
at intermission, all right?
You haven't told her
that you're better?
No, I'm not good
at stuff like that.
Just... She'll be cool
with it. She'll be...
You're giving
her good news,
she'll be happy.
We're gonna go by her
house tomorrow, too.
(SIGHS)
Yeah, we're just visiting her.
I just want to say hi,
see how she's doing,
where she lives,
that kind of thing.
Why did you guys break up
in the first place?
I cheated on her.
Why would you
cheat on her?
It's easy not to cheat when
no one wants to fuck you,
you judgmental prick.
Okay.
I have a theory
that Tom Cruise,
David Beckham and Will Smith
have mooshed the heads
of their penises together.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I think that
this has happened.
I don't think
it happened
in a gay way.
I think it just happened
out of boredom.
I think just
rich-dude boredom.
Just like,
"What have we not done, guys?
We've done everything!"
"I'll tell you
one thing
we haven't done."
And I bet when it happened,
it was an epic occurrence.
It was huge.
I think of it all the time.
I think first, you know,
David and Tom touched
dick heads.
And it was easy, just zoonk.
Because there was
a magnetic field to it.
And then Will Smith started
approaching with his dick
and, like, wind started
blowing in his face,
and paper started
flying everywhere
and he just couldn't do it.
And they're like,
"Come on, Will,
get it in there!"
"I can't do it!"
Beckham yells,
(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
"Don't cross the streams!
It's like Ghost Busters!"
And then he does it
and Flash by Queen
starts playing.
It's just, Flash! Ahhh!
Light shoots into the sky!
That's how stars
are born, I think.
Anyway, I'm Ira Wright.
Have a good night.
Thank you, all, very much.
IRA: Hey.
How's it going?
That was so good!
You seem so surprised.
Well, you looked
so nervous before.
I was, actually.
That was good.
That was really good.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
And the ball cleavage thing,
that was hilarious.
Classic stuff. Thank you.
Glad you're having fun.
George says
that he's known you
for a while. How did...
Yeah.
How did you guys
first hook up?
I was the hat-check girl
at the lmprov
and I was an actress.
So, you kind of...
Yeah, yeah.
That's good. What, were you
in anything I might've seen?
I did those, like,
Melrose Place and 90210.
Awesome.
I always
played the bitch.
I wasn't that
good, actually.
No, you must be
a great actress,
'cause you're not
at all bitchy, so...
(LAUGHS)
Thanks, Ira.
Okay, look, I'm not...
Honestly, I'm not
supposed to be telling you
what I'm about to tell you
because George...
He doesn't want to jinx it.
It's not 100º%,
but the last time that
he went to the doctor,
they couldn't find
any trace of the disease
in his blood work anymore,
so it seems like
he might be better.
What are you
talking about?
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen...
We think he might be okay.
...George Simmons!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you. Yeah.
It's great to be here.
It's great.
It's great to be alive!
Yeah, man.
Thank you.
Right on. Okay.
MAN: Thank you
for coming, George!
Thank you. All right.
That's very nice.
Man, oh, man.
Any other 40-year-olds
out there tonight?
In their 40s?
It's funny.
In your 20s you're like,
"Fuck you, man.
Fuck that shit.
"Fuck my parents.
I don't need none
of that shit."
In your 30s you're like,
"Fuck the President.
"Fuck that guy,
that fucking asshole."
In your 40s you're like,
"I'm hungry.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"What do we have
in the fridge?"
So, yeah, I'm fucking
famous and rich,
and it's crazy.
It's... You know why?
'Cause I hate rich people.
Fucking I'm rich
and I hate rich people.
I hate everything
I fucking do now.
I go to Hawaii, I'm like,
"You fucking
snotty cocksucker,
going to Hawaii."
Buy a new car, "La-di-da,
look who's got a new car."
You know, I thought about
giving all my money,
just giving it away,
but then I was like,
"What a rich-guy thing to do.
"Mr. Charitable."
(ALL LAUGHING)
Well, why didn't
you tell me?
I was just here.
Laura, if I told you,
you might not have talked
to me anymore, so I...
What are you talking about?
That's ridiculous.
I knew you forgave me
because I was sick
and there was no other way
you would forgive me.
I know,
but it's different now.
We've been talking...
What are you... No!
Really?
This is...
So, what are you...
So, did the...
The doctor said I'm good.
I'm better for now.
I don't know what
the hell's gonna happen,
but for now the guy
said I'm good.
(SIGHS)
I'm so happy.
You are happy?
Mmm-hmm.
God, thank you.
Thank you.
All right. Yeah.
(SIGHS)
You okay, man?
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
(EXHALES)
I hope they
got some food.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hey, hey.
Hi!
Hi.
I'm so glad
you guys came.
Hello. Hi.
Good to see you. Wow.
Hi. How's it going?
Hello, Ira.
Oh! Thank you.
Jeez. Beautiful house!
Thank you.
How long have
you guys been here?
We've been here
about five years now.
(SNARLS)
What's up?
This is my friend, George.
And this is Ira.
This is Ingrid.
Wow! George didn't mention
you had a daughter.
GEORGE: Have you seen
any of my movies?
I saw the movie where
you had a baby body.
So, you saw Re-Do.
Can you do the face?
(BOTH BABBLING)
GEORGE: Hey, that's
a good impression.
Don't leave me
in the playroom!
This is my daughter, Mable.
She just got braces.
Oh, yeah?
Let me see them.
You mind if I eat
a little bit of that
sandwich right there?
Ira?
I'm... I'm full.
Do you guys want to play
the peanut-butter game?
It's fun.
You want to play?
Let's do it!
Ira?
Yeah, I like
peanut butter, yeah.
Let's do the
peanut-butter game!
All right!
Hooray!
Peanut-butter game!
Peanut-butter game!
Okay, just put
a little bit.
MABLE: Okay.
GEORGE: What's she doing?
A little bit.
(LAUGHING)
Okay, okay.
I think that's good.
This is what you guys do
in your free time? Okay.
MABLE: There he is!
GEORGE: Oh, boy.
LAURA: Come on.
(LAUGHING)
GEORGE: He got her.
He got her.
(EXCLAIMING)
Oh, so, you're supposed
to do it on the ears.
LAURA: George's turn!
Yeah! George's turn!
No. I don't
want to do that.
LAURA: Yeah, George's turn!
No, Ira will go. Let Ira go.
No, no, George.
Come on.
Okay, all right!
I just washed
my hair this morning.
BOTH: George! George!
George! George!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Oh, God!
No!
Just not the...
Look at this.
GEORGE: That's
not the game!
(ALL CHEERING)
And we have a pond
with a Buddha and...
Wow!
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
Does that hurt?
So, what... Who is a good...
You're a good guy,
you're a bad guy?
(EXCLAIMING)
Now I go.
And now I go.
You can't move.
You're stuck.
Ira.
IRA: Hey.
Hey, Laura asked
if we want to eat
dinner here tonight.
Oh. Thank you.
What... We...
It's like
an eight-hour
drive back.
We won't get home till like
5:00 in the morning that way.
GEORGE: We'll figure
something out.
So, we're gonna go to
the grocery store and get
some food so I can cook.
Home-cooked meal. Perfect.
Okay. So, you're okay
to watch the girls?
Yeah, definitely.
I'm good with kids.
I was a...
I was a Jewish summer camp
counselor for five years.
(SPEAKING HEBREW)
But I'm good with
non-Jewish kids, too.
Okay, so we'll be right back.
It's around the corner.
GEORGE: Very good.
Should I have worn
my jogging shoes?
Where are we going?
You sure? You sure
you want to do this?
Mmm-hmm.
Wherever my husband is,
he's probably doing
the same thing.
Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
Jesus.
(SIGHS)
Echo, echo, echo.
(LAUGHING)
You know, when
I broke up with you,
I tried to find
somebody who was the
exact opposite of you.
But Clarke
is exactly like you.
It's like I'm programmed
to find the same person,
like there's some
lesson I'm supposed
to learn from it all.
How many times
did you cheat on me?
I don't want
to paint a picture.
I was young and stupid,
but I changed,
I swear to God.
How exactly
have you changed?
I got a peek at something
most people only
get to see once.
You know,
I went to a psychic
who told me that...
That you and I would
get back together
when we were 70.
And she also said
not to eat any chicken.
Well, we couldn't wait.
Mmm-hmm.
You loved me before
anybody loved me.
I know.
This is the only place
that I ever wanted to be.
When is George
gonna die?
George is gonna die?
No. Why would
you guys say that?
I heard my mom talking
to her friend on the phone,
and she was crying.
I don't want
George to die.
Why do you care?
You just met him.
Shut up.
You shut up!
Okay, okay,
guys, guys, guys.
George is not gonna die.
George, he was sick,
but he went to the doctor
and they gave him
different types of medicine
until they found
one that worked.
And now he's gonna
be just fine.
He's gonna live a really,
really long time.
I think
my mommy
loves him.
Well, you know,
we all love him.
He's made a lot
of great movies.
I think she loves him,
like, loves him.
INGRID: Love.
Love, love, love.
(SINGING) Love, love, love
They're gonna have a baby
They're gonna have a baby
Baby, marriage, love
They're gonna have
a little MerMan baby.
You saved my acting reel?
I was wondering
where this was.
Why didn't you
give this to me?
'Cause I was watching it.
You know, I always get
the feeling that you think
I'm stupid or something.
LAURA: Look at my hair!
I look like a leprechaun.
No.
LAURA ON TV:
I am stupid.
Ooh! Is my voice
still that high?
No! No, no, no, no.
No, but they need you
back in Munchkinville.
(LAUGHS) They miss the mayor.
LAURA: Shut up!
That was the best time
in my life.
I got something else for you.
You might remember these.
(GASPS)
Please tell me you do!
Are these
my favorite
butt jeans?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Really?
Yeah, you can
have them back.
I'm so excited!
Yeah.
Do you think
they still fit me?
I guarantee it.
I'm so happy!
I guarantee it.
Get in those.
These used to kill me.
Oh, my God,
they're so faded.
Oh, shit!
They fit!
They look good!
Really?
Yeah, that's
the same ass!
Fucking ass is perfect.
Minus that camel
coming out the back.
(SINGING) Bump and groove it
To the left now
To the right, y'all
Slap that shit!
(BEATBOXING)
Look at that!
They're like Mom jeans.
Oh, yes. If Mom needed
to get banged again.
Thank you.
Yeah, get over here.
Don't leave me.
Don't leave me.
Oh! Hey, guys,
what took you so long?
We were checking
out the town, man.
Beautiful!
Where are
the groceries?
We decided that
eating in might
be more fun.
(SOFTLY) Oh, no,
you didn't.
How could you
do that, man? No.
I didn't do
anything, Ira.
No, I know you did it.
I know you did.
All that's missing
is your Popsicle.
Come on.
Ira, are you
cranky right now?
Do you need food
in your belly?
No.
Come on, we're gonna
order in a pizza.
Come on, we're gonna
order in a pizza.
(CARTOONISHLY) Of course,
Mr. Peters.
I'll be at the...
(COUGHS)
Lunch meeting.
You're serving seafood?
(WHIMPERING)
I love seafood!
Okay, see you there!
Pizza's here!
Yeah.
I'll be right back.
Yes.
I'm the pizza monster!
(EXCLAIMING)
Hi, honey!
Clarke.
Hi, sweetie.
Hi. What are you
doing here?
Decided to surprise you.
The guy I was meant
to have the meeting with
had a heart attack
while I was waiting
in reception for him.
It was unbelievable.
Wow.
Next minute, this Chinese
George Clooney guy
comes running past
with, like, the...
What's it called?
A defibrillator?
Starts zapping him.
Right. Yeah, I've seen it.
It was like
an episode of ER,
but with Chinamen.
I missed you.
I know you.
Yes.
Yes.
(CLEARS THROAT)
How you doing?
This is George Simmons.
He had a big comedy
concert last night.
Oh, okay.
And so, I asked him
to pop by and come visit.
Hope that's good. I...
I love the
stand-up comedy.
Yeah, yeah.
How'd it go?
They didn't... They didn't
boo me off the stage,
so that was a plus.
Yeah, they're
a bunch of bloody
cheese eaters up here.
Yeah. No, they were
very nice. Yeah.
You have a...
You have a very
nice family, man,
and a great, great home.
Thank you.
Well, it's good
to have you home.
The kids are dying
to see you if...
Ira's hungry for...
G'day. Clarke.
Good day, I'm Ira.
Your husband's here.
LAURA: Yeah. Yep.
Ira is
George's opening act.
He's really funny.
Really?
He looks funny!
Thank you.
How'd you go
last night?
You know,
they didn't boo me off
or anything, so...
(SOFTLY) I just
said that one.
It was great.
Yeah.
They just popped by,
I gave them
a tour of the house.
We were gonna have
dinner, but it's not...
It's probably better
that we do family dinner
since you're only
in town a few days.
No, stay.
That's a great idea.
The more the merrier.
Okay. Let's do that.
Thank you.
LAURA: Great.
I'm gonna go
say hi to the kids.
Okay.
Okay.
(LAUGHS) That's hilarious.
You can't tell
him that you're
better, okay?
He'll know that something
happened between us.
I won't.
Okay?
'Cause I've been married
for 12 years now
and I have kids.
And I can't
just throw it away
this second, okay?
Hey, we'll be fine.
I'm a good actor.
You're a great actress.
Right. He hated you
until he found out
that you were sick.
And if he knows that you were
here and that you're feeling
better, he's gonna know.
So, don't say anything.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
Of course. Sure.
I'll do that.
People never thought
China would do that much
business with the US,
but I never saw it
as a big deal.
You look at it like this.
You've got
a billion people.
We make all kinds
of cool shit.
They find out
about the cool shit, like,
on the Internet and stuff.
And they're gonna
want the cool shit.
Cool shit's universal.
China's been good,
but I'm trying to get
into North Korea now.
That's the next...
That's, like,
the next frontier.
Wow. Wow.
North Korea?
North Korea.
Those people would
blow you for a Wii Fit.
GEORGE: There you go.
This is really
good pizza.
You know, they say, like,
New York has the best pizza
and I always thought
pizza in LA was only okay,
but who would have
thought, you know,
Marin County is where
they were really hiding
the good pizza pies.
(IRA SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Clarke speaks
fluent Chinese.
Really? Do you speak
Cantonese or Mandarin?
Oh, well played, Ira.
Mandarin.
Well gayed, Ira.
It's a bloody hard language,
though, George. Jesus.
(SPEAKING MANDARIN)
(SPEAKING MANDARIN)
(BOTH SPEAKING MANDARIN)
(REPEATING)
That was like a scene
from Deer Hunter.
(BOTH SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)
Girls, you can go
and watch TV.
Go on.
Whatever you
want to watch.
So, George,
how's the fight
going, mate?
How is it?
Clarke. This is not something
that he wants to talk
about right now.
He has to think about
it every day of his life.
And he's taking
a break from it
right now.
(CRYING) It's such
a shame that somebody
who has brought so much joy
to so many people
has to go through this.
Shit. Shit.
I'm sorry, mate.
Laura. Laura.
We don't need
to speak in code.
I'm sick. I think
about it all the time.
CLARKE: Mate,
I don't know
how you do it.
I would be crying
in my panties if I was you.
I worship guys
like you, that attitude.
Have you considered
Eastern medicine?
Well, I don't know
if this is considered
Eastern medicine,
but I've been eating
a lot of rhino cock.
If Clarke thinks
it's the right thing to do,
let me chew some.
For the last time,
stop calling me Rhino.
(ALL LAUGHING)
George Simmons
in my house!
Clarke took an herb once,
and he had heart palpitations
and diarrhea.
No, it's true.
I shit myself, mate,
and I had a boner
at the same time.
(LAUGHING)
I want to take an herb
that makes me
as good-looking as you.
Jesus Christ!
If I were you I'd be at home
all day fucking myself.
CLARKE: That's what I do!
(GEORGE LAUGHING)
All right! All right!
We're cooking.
He's really funny.
Mmm-hmm.
I don't know why his movies
aren't funny, though.
That's weird,
isn't it?
Mmm-hmm.
He should put some of that
on the silver screen.
So, just one drink,
okay?
This isn't someone
I want to spend
a lot of time with.
This?
This is the Australian me?
I'm so much better
than this fucking idiot.
He seems like
the nicest guy, ever.
He's trying to cure you
with herbs for God's sakes.
I can't leave her alone here.
I have to save her.
Save her from her
beautiful house
and lovely husband
and delightful kids?
Her husband's a skipping,
cheating psycho.
You said nothing
was going on
between you two.
The dog could tell
that you banged her.
And I'm getting
nauseous and sweaty.
I can't...
Get away from me!
Get away from me!
Go play with the kids.
(AUDIENCE ON TV LAUGHING)
WOMAN: Tim, are you
asking me out on a date?
Would you like
it to be a date?
Hey, bro,
so your doctor called
and he said it is contagious,
but only when inflamed,
so you're cool.
(SCOFFS)
Also, I was trying
to do the laundry,
but I think I need to get some
industrial-strength detergent.
What's up
with all the skid marks,
Dale Earnhardt, Jr.?
Wow, I think
I have a class.
You guys like this show?
BOTH: No!
It's the worst show, ever.
Good.
Here you go.
We're finished
with the French shit.
We're into española!
All right.
China, man.
Wow.
And you guys never
see each other, huh?
That must be rough.
Right? Rough on the kids.
It's not ideal,
but the kids
like to eat, so...
(LAUGHS)
You ever see this
girl act before?
She was quite the actress.
Well, she's very good
at pretending
she still loves me,
so she's pretty
good then, isn't she?
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. I am.
Can't say I watched much
of that Melrose Place
stuff, though.
Although I did see
the Party of Five
episode you were in.
It wasn't really
for me, you know.
Well, it was down to me
and Cameron Diaz for the
lead part in The Mask.
Cameron Diaz!
That's my girl.
She's a bloody top
actress, isn't she?
Hey, what was that film
she was in with the
bloody spuff in her hair?
Something About Mary!
(EXCLAIMING)
I love that movie!
She's so funny!
Just about shit
my panties
in that one.
No, no, no, there's
not too many girls
that are this beautiful
and sexy and funny and...
She had the whole deal.
Yes, but Cameron Diaz, fuck!
I mean, come on.
See, if you had've
done that movie,
you could have had
the bloody spuff
in your hair.
Look out.
CLARKE: What are you giving
me the evil eyes for?
You're such
a dick sometimes.
I'm not... Why?
Because.
CLARKE: I'm just saying
you had your crack,
you had your go at it.
I feel like I didn't
reach my potential that...
Oh, please!
Oh, please, what?
I didn't reach
my potential, either!
I could have been
playing footie!
You weren't that good
at playing footie.
I was.
LAURA: You weren't.
You should thank me, George.
I took a bullet here for you.
All right,
on that note, I'm gonna
head back to Los Angeles.
No, come on, stay.
No, it's fine.
I'll split.
It's early.
I've been here too long.
Schmira!
We just started
a bottle.
Nah, nah, nah.
You guys have been
the best. Schmira!
Thank you so much
for having us, guys. Oh!
Shoot.
CLARKE: Uh-oh! Look out.
God, I'm sorry, guys.
CLARKE: Someone's
had too much to drink.
Oh, man, no.
No, I just kicked your pot
by accident, that's all. I...
Hold it together
there, Schmira.
I'm just a... Oh, God.
It's okay.
You're staying here.
You're not driving.
No way. We got a guest house,
two spare beds. Done.
You two, plenty
of room to stay.
No, no. Ira can drive.
He... You're fine
to drive, right, Ira?
I am. I just kicked
your begonias, that's all.
No way! I'm not having
America's favorite funnyman
dead on the side of the road
'cause Schmira here's
had too much to drink.
George, you can
drive, right?
Bullshit!
You're staying here.
Plus, there's a game
of Aussie-rules footie
on the dish tonight.
Semi-final.
Saints versus Maggies.
Not that American shit.
I want you to see it.
One condition.
You Aussie pussies got
any beer around here?
Yes, it's on...
(WHOOPS)
Yes!
Yeah, it doesn't matter
if you're a small fucker
or a big fucker,
you can play this game
because the small
fuckers go in barreling
and they can get the ball over
and the boys are scrambling.
Now watch. The little
fuckers down there go.
There they are.
Big fuckers smack them.
Little fucker. Little fucker.
Off to a big fucker.
Now he's gonna go down
to another big fucker.
I hate that big fucker.
Where are the black guys?
CLARKE: This is...
There's a couple out there.
I hate this team.
Oh, yeah?
Magpies.
Hate the Maggies!
They're like...
I don't know what the
equivalent in the NFL...
No helmets.
No fucking helmets 'cause
they're real men. See?
Love you. Just explaining
the game to them.
They're loving it!
(MOUTHING)
Yeah, we gotta get
going, you know.
Are you sure
you can't stay?
We can't stay.
We can't stay.
Yeah, it's my...
It's my grandmother's
85th birthday.
We got family
coming in from all over.
GEORGE: That's right.
She just had a stroke.
In her leg.
So, you know,
we gotta get back.
Yeah.
That's too bad
you guys can't stay.
It is too bad.
Well, I wish
I could say I was gonna
see you again, George,
but I can't really
say that, can I?
Yeah, yeah,
I guess you can't.
You don't have
to do that, honey.
No, I do have
to do this,
honey. I do.
You know what, mate?
If there's one thing
I've learned from my Buddhist
friends, the Chinese,
is to keep
an open heart
and to speak the truth.
So, what I want
to say to you,
George, is thank you.
Thank you for playing
such a big role
in my wife's life.
It's been great
getting to know you.
And I wish you a peaceful
journey from here on in
and over to the other side.
Come here, mate.
Okay, we're gonna
do this.
Thank you.
Thank you
for everything.
All right.
Thank you.
All right,
I appreciate your having us.
Don't worry, Daddy.
He's not sick anymore.
Ira told us.
I didn't say that.
Yes, you did.
Yeah, you did.
When we were coloring.
IRA: No.
Yeah.
Yeah.
IRA: That's not
true, girls.
No, that's not true.
IRA: I did not say that.
I don't know what
they're talking about.
Liar.
Liar, liar,
pants on fire.
They were freaking out.
They were worried
about George.
I just said it so they
wouldn't be scared.
It was just...
Kids, go inside.
Can we
watch Borat?
Yeah, you can.
INGRID: I don't
wanna watch Borat.
Yes, you... Come on.
See you guys.
What is going
on around here?
Is that true?
I never said that
he was feeling better.
He just took some medicine
and it's looking good for him
because they can't
detect it in his blood,
but that doesn't mean
that he's better.
These things
are very tricky
and he didn't want to tell
anybody because
he didn't want to jinx it!
Is that true that you
didn't want to jinx it?
Yeah. No, no, no, I...
Yeah, I'm very
superstitious.
Mmm-hmm.
You're a terrible liar.
(IMITATING AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
No, nothing's going on
around here!
It's completely innocent.
I left me ring...
What accent is that?
...on the side table.
Jamaican?
Don't mock me.
I don't appreciate it.
Lots of people
go to massage parlors.
That doesn't mean
I was getting
a rub-and-tug.
Those hairs on me jacket
must've fallen off
the waiter's pussy.
What the hell has
gotten into you?
I was at a footie game!
Are you taking
the piss out of me?
I would never lie
to you, mate. Oi?
I'm not playing
this game with you.
This is stupid.
What a stupid game!
Clarke, let's tell
each other the truth.
Just come
clean with me.
There's nothing to tell.
There's nothing to tell?
There's nothing to tell.
You will never
tell me the truth.
That is a pussy move!
You know what?
I'm not doing this.
I'm not being put
on a cross for something
I didn't even do!
Enjoy each other!
Go fuck your whores!
"Go fuck your whores"?
So, it's good that
he left, and this is
a huge relief for me.
So, it's good that
he left, and this is
a huge relief for me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I don't need to be
in a marriage that is
like that, so I'm fine.
I'm not worried about that.
I just want you to be okay.
I would be scared
if I was you right now.
Are you kidding me?
This is what
needed to happen.
I would run away.
No, I'm staying here.
Are you gonna run away?
Where am I running to?
Only if you come with me.
I really need
you around right now.
Yeah. Yeah.
Can you stay till Monday?
Absolutely.
Can't we just go and, like,
come back later, you know?
I mean, if this is
meant to be, it'll be.
We don't have to be
here right this second.
Can't we just go?
Man, I don't... I see...
Jesus Christ, every instinct
in my body is telling me
to leave here, too.
Good.
But that's what led me
to this shitty life.
I gotta stay here.
I gotta do the right thing.
I love her.
Right now, her husband
is gonna come back
and murder us, man!
Did you see his arms?
They look like legs!
Shut up.
Don't be an idiot.
I'm not being an...
Imagine that you are
a gigantic Australian man
and someone
came into your home
and fucked your wife.
You would murder him
and then you would make
a hat out of his skin
'cause that's what
Australians do. Let's go!
Ira, this is deep shit.
People get divorced.
They make mistakes,
they change their lives.
It's not that big of a deal.
She's married to an asshole.
She seems like
a crazy actress, man.
I don't know what
to tell you, man.
Am I not allowed
to be happy or something?
I've been living alone
and alone and alone.
That's my life.
This is the only girl
I've ever loved
and I'm not supposed
to do anything about this?
When am I supposed
to be happy?
Why does everyone
else get to be happy?
Look, George,
I'm just gonna tell
you this, as a friend.
From where I'm sitting
it seems like your happiness
might be coming at the cost
of destroying this family.
Okay, let me respond
to that, as your friend,
and let you know
you're not my friend.
You fucking work for me!
I didn't ask for your advice!
You're overstepping
your boundaries, man!
Now go get me
a fucking Diet Coke!
And remind yourself
that's what you do for me!
Now get the fuck
out of here!
Fine.
Don't fucking leave!
Sit down here!
I don't want to be alone.
Okay, fine.
This is Mark.
Hey, Mark, it's Ira.
How's it going, man?
Not too good.
I didn't get the part
in the Tobey Maguire movie.
That doesn't matter.
I have a problem.
I need help, okay?
Where have you been?
I'm in Marin County.
Northern California.
(SIGHS) Listen, I...
I have to tell you something.
Are you sitting down?
Yeah.
Okay.
The other night
I went out to drinks
with the producers
of my show
and Leo met up with us.
And they were enamored
by him and they thought
he was really funny.
And they offered him
a part on Yo Teach!
and he took it.
I saw the episode.
I know that that happened.
You watched it?
I watched it.
Did you love it?
Yeah.
He was great, right?
It was fine!
I have no problem
with Leo, okay?
Tell Leo, if he's
got a problem,
to stop being a baby
and to just get over it!
Why don't you
tell Leo yourself?
'Cause Leo's been surveilling
this whole conversation.
You dick.
LEO: Fucking asshole.
MARK: Leo,
get off the phone!
Screw you, Leo. Screw you.
Hey, man what have
you been up to?
Sucking George
Simmons' balls?
That's cool.
I've been on Yo Teach!
living it up.
I'm sorry, Leo.
Yo Teach! sucks.
LEO: Go lose some
more weight, Ira!
You look fucking
weird skinny!
MARK: Leo, calm down!
You know what, Ira?
I want to put my eyeglasses
on your asshole
so it looks like you're
blowing me when I'm fucking
you in the ass, you jerk!
IRA: That doesn't
even make sense!
You're gonna put glasses
on my ass? What?
Ira, we will find
something for you
to do on the show, okay?
Teach can have
more than one friend.
Can we talk
about this later?
I am in a serious problem.
I just need some advice,
okay? Please?
Just listen to me for two
minutes and tell me what
I should do right now, okay?
Will you do that?
All right. If it's serious,
I'm sorry. I will listen.
(SIGHS)
Okay. Here's
what's happening.
I'm witnessing
a slow-moving train wreck,
but if I do something,
I will lose my job.
Are you serious?
So, what
I don't know, is...
(DISCONNECTS)
Screw you.
(SIGHS)
Higher!
Higher!
Higher!
Higher!
I can't. I...
I can't.
Yes, you can.
You, you have to go
down a little bit then
through the middle.
LAURA: Be careful.
Don't let him fall on you.
Where do I put my hand?
I spoke to Clarke.
He's gonna be at the airport
tonight heading back to China.
I'm gonna go tell him
that when he comes back
he should find
another place to live.
Wait, wait,
wait, wait. What...
You... Yeah?
Good. Good.
Yeah.
You're gonna tell him?
I just don't want
him coming back here.
You don't need him.
No.
That'll just
get you sick.
Good, you gotta tell him.
So, when are you doing that?
Tonight?
Yeah.
Okay, okay,
I'm coming down.
Jump!
I talked
to a girlfriend
of mine,
and she has somebody
who could show us
some houses down
in Los Angeles.
And we'll get that
whole thing going.
And then I was thinking
about taking the kids
out of school now,
but we should probably
let them finish up
because it's December.
And I don't want
to mess everything up.
They have to finish
the whole year here.
Yeah, that makes
sense to me.
So, if we just go down
at the beginning
of the summer,
let them kind of transit.
I'm supposed to do
a little two-week
tour this summer.
I'm supposed to do it,
but I don't need to do it.
No pressure on you.
Look at you!
There's no pressure on you.
I need to work and I want
to get my acting career
going again.
Good.
Yeah.
She's whupping you, Ingrid!
Good job there, Lulu.
So, she's gonna go
to the airport tonight
and tell Clarke
that she wants him to
find a new place and...
What do you
think of that?
(SIGHS) I don't want to tell
you what I think about that
'cause I don't want
to get yelled at, George.
(SIGHS) Oh, God.
I'm just nervous about
the kids and, like,
who's gonna get them
and does he get one
and Laura gets one,
or am I gonna
have both of them?
'Cause I love
the little one,
we kind of click.
But the older one is,
like, you sense the
period's coming soon.
I think she would
probably get the kids.
All right, yeah.
I don't think you can
have two girls in China.
What are you
gonna do now?
Look at this crew.
Why so close?
Really?
(EXCLAIMS)
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You okay, little girl?
You okay?
Oh, man.
Are you okay?
Okay. I'm gonna show
you Mable singing...
Mom, you make
everybody see...
No, Memory from Cats.
Come on! It's...
No. I hate that you
show it to everyone.
I'll just show
them the end part.
(ALL LAUGHING)
I'll just show you
the ending. Okay.
(SLOW SHOW TUNE PLAYING)
(SINGING) Burnt-out ends
of smoky days
The stale cold smell
of morning
The streetlamp dies,
another night is over
Another day is dawning
Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me
You'll understand
what happiness is
(MOUTHING)
Look, a new day has begun
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
That was unbelievable!
Isn't that good?
That was insane!
That was like just
seeing a little person
sing an old person's song.
That was hysterical!
I got a friend who takes...
He takes a lot of acid.
If he saw that,
he would shit himself!
That's not supposed
to be funny.
I know, I know,
I know. I'm...
No, I think that's
why it's funnier.
It was so amazing.
Wasn't that good?
I think I started
crying a little bit.
Me, too. I cry
every time I see that.
That shit was
funny up there.
Okay. Wow, these guys
are not gonna take
no for an answer.
Yeah. They want me to do
another baby movie.
They keep bumping up
the gross on the DVDs.
I just...
There's no way
I'm doing it.
Okay. Bye.
(BOTH WHOOPING)
Hey, George.
(EXHALES) Yeah.
I'm going to...
I'm gonna go to the store
and grab some
cigarettes, okay?
I'll be back soon.
What? What do you
need cigarettes for?
'Cause I'm addicted
to them.
Why? 'Cause you look like
the Fonz when you smoke?
I've always smoked. I just
didn't do it in front of you
'cause you were sick.
And now that
you're better...
Hurry up, though, man.
I'm running out of gas
with the kids here.
Okay. I'll hurry up.
(SINGING) Memory,
all alone in the moonlight
I can't wait
till the morning
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Are my parents
getting a divorce?
Why... Why...
Why do you ask that?
Just, like, I can tell.
They're always
fighting and...
How does that
make you feel?
Well, he's already
away a lot,
so it doesn't really
matter that much, but...
Uh-huh.
That wouldn't be fun.
Maybe it would be better
if they were separated.
Mmm-mmm.
No?
That's not good.
Right.
Clarke?
Laura, what are
you doing here?
I don't know.
WOMAN ON PA: Mr. Way Chen,
you need to get to the
information desk. Thank you.
(SPEAKING MANDARIN)
You've reached Ira.
Please leave me a message.
Thank you.
(BEEPS)
Where are you?
You gotta come back here.
I think I'm getting...
I'm getting lonely here.
I need some help.
Just, seriously, hurry up.
I don't trust you.
Am I imagining things?
You're not imagining
anything, honey.
(SIGHS)
Two times.
That's all I did
was two times.
And I don't want to ruin
everything just 'cause
of two fucking times.
She couldn't
even speak English.
Look at our life.
You're driving
the kids to school.
You're picking them up.
You're like a single mother.
And you're not a single mom.
You're my wife.
You're my baby.
I shouldn't be in China
trying to sell Oreos
to people who don't want
to fucking talk to me.
I'm gonna get a normal job.
I'm gonna be just
around the corner.
It's just gonna be
you, me and the kids.
All I want
is a fresh start.
Yeah.
(GRUNTING) Oh.
Yeah.
The George Simmons thing
was just a flirtation.
It was nothing.
He really was sick.
He just got better.
I'm so fucking glad.
Yeah.
I really like him. I do.
I don't want to hate him.
I fucking love you.
Ira!
Hey!
What are you
doing here?
(CHUCKLING)
(CHUCKLING)
I'm going back
to Los Angeles.
LA?
Yeah.
You're in the Great China Air
First Class Lounge, mate.
What are you doing?
Oh. Shit, this is
a confusing airport.
I thought this
was Panda Express.
Well, it's good
to see you guys, though.
What's going on?
Laura?
What the hell
is going on?
Uh... Ask her.
I was so mad at you
for the way that
you've been treating me
that I was on my way
here to tell you tonight
to find another place
to live when you got back.
But then...
I came here to stop her.
CLARKE: Shut the fuck up.
I slept with George
once, but it's over.
It's done.
And it was no big deal.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
We didn't even have sex.
He just went down on me.
(SIGHS) That's worse.
CLARKE: Crikey.
He manipulated me
with his disease!
Where is he?
George, where is he?
He's at your house.
He's at our house?
With our kids?
LAURA: Please don't get
that look on your face.
Please don't get
that look on your face.
It was a mistake.
I'm gonna kill him.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
You're sorry?
I came here to stop...
Who are you?
I don't know.
Who are you?
(SIGHS)
What are you doing here?
I was trying to help you.
Get the fuck
out of my life!
Okay.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Where is it? Where is it?
Oh, God, where is it?
So stupid! Stupid shit!
I wanted to tell you
I miss you.
I miss your kisses.
I wanted to tell you
I miss you.
I miss your kisses.
I miss your short skirts.
And I miss your smell.
Get the BabyBjörn.
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
We're gonna go find
that wizard.
Hey, girls.
You look so cute.
You, outside.
Is he in trouble?
Yes.
What's gonna happen?
I don't know.
What do you think I did?
Oh, shit!
Your friend sold
you out, mate!
LAURA: No, no, no, Clarke!
CLARKE: You think
this is a game?
Stop it!
What'd you think
you were gonna do?
Come in and just
fuck up my family?
IRA: Stop it!
CLARKE: Is that
what you thought?
Stop it. Stop.
No, no, no, no!
GEORGE: I didn't
fucking do anything!
This sort of shit I kill for!
Don't kill him!
Don't kill him!
You stupid shit!
No!
Fuck, man!
Come here!
Run, George!
Don't hurt him,
you maniac!
Cut the shit,
guys!
Stop it!
IRA: Run, George!
You're cornering yourself!
Go that way!
Get away from me!
Take it like
a man, George!
Get away from me,
you fucking crazy asshole!
You fucking asshole!
Get away!
Oh, my God.
She's not happy with you!
No one who's married
is happy, you idiot!
Get in a ball, George!
Get in a ball!
Fight like a man!
Get on your feet,
would you?
I don't know how to fight!
I'm a comedian,
you fucking asshole!
Should I jump in?
No! No! Don't jump in!
Just get away
from me, man!
You traitor!
Go get more cigarettes,
you liar!
IRA: I accomplished nothing!
They made up
before I got there!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Where's your
helmet now, Yankee?
Let's talk! Clarke!
LAURA: Clarke, no!
Come on, pussy!
Help!
All right!
Stop!
IRA: I got him! I got him!
You don't want this, Schmira.
You don't want
a piece of me, Schmira!
I am gonna love this!
(GROANS)
God!
You son of a bitch!
I knew you didn't
want me to be happy!
What are you doing, man?
Look at this!
You fucking suck!
You've gone crazy!
You're a lightweight...
Get away from me, man!
...named Ira Wiener!
Ira Wiener!
You should have died!
Well, I ain't going nowhere!
I'm never gonna die!
I hope you die!
I'm never gonna
die, baby!
Die!
Boys, stop it!
IRA: I hope you die!
I hate you!
I know what
you're trying to do,
the pair of you!
You're trying to distract me
so I won't hit him!
Lackey! Lackey!
IRA: Wait!
Oh, shit,
Clarke! Dude!
Are you okay,
George?
Where's your
stunt man now, hey?
Stop it!
Will you stop hitting me?
I'm better now,
but it can come back!
Laura, tell him.
Tell him what you told me.
Tell him that you love me
more than you love him.
Tell him!
Yeah, when she
told you that,
did she think
you were dying, huh?
Tell him. Tell him.
Is it me or him?
Him.
What? Come on!
Are you serious?
He's my husband.
We have a family.
I love him.
And you didn't even cry
when Mable sang Cats.
What's the matter with you?
I didn't want to lie.
I don't know.
I've seen it
on Broadway before.
It wasn't as good as it.
What are you guys
doing on the lawn?
I'm hungry!
Nothing. We're just...
We're just mucking around.
Come on. Go back inside.
Sorry, George.
I'll always love you.
But what are we gonna do?
I love you.
I'm sorry I came up here.
I shouldn't have come.
No, I'm glad you did.
Maybe when we're 70?
I hope you find
a way to be happy.
Shit. He's coming back.
He's coming back. Let's go.
LAURA: Clarke.
You know what?
I've just worked out why
all this shit has happened.
In the East,
they call this karma.
And I have brought
all this shit upon us
with my misbehavior.
That's why
all this shit
has happened.
This had to happen.
But some good shit's
gonna come from this.
We have to learn from this,
you know, all of us.
There's a good lesson here.
Underneath anger is hurt,
but underneath
hurt is love.
You feel it?
Okay?
Yeah. Thank you.
I'm sorry about this.
Yeah, yeah.
Don't worry about it.
Do you want me to drive?
(SIGHS)
No, you don't have
to drive me.
I'll drive myself.
In fact, you're never gonna
have to drive me again
because you're fired, Ira.
You're the only person
that I've ever heard of
that learned nothing
from a near-death
experience, George.
You went backwards.
You're worse.
You know what I am?
A good friend.
I would never
run to the airport
and rat somebody out.
I don't have that in my DNA.
That's not a friend, man.
A friend tells you.
A friend comes up
to you and says,
"Hey, you're in
a heap of shit.
You better not do it."
He doesn't run
and tell the fucking girl.
Well...
Wow.
Good. Fire me.
I don't want to be
around you anymore,
'cause you are
fucking contagious!
You think I can't
get another assistant?
I can't get someone else
to write jokes for me?
You think I'm gonna
lay in my bed going,
"Aw, I miss my Schmira"?
You're a fucking no-thought.
That's the beauty.
Once you're gone
it never comes
back in my brain.
You think getting Laura
would have made you happy?
I know so.
You think if you had
a family right now,
you would be happy?
You'll never be happy,
'cause you're always
gonna be stuck with yourself!
Unless somehow you can
get away from you,
you're always gonna
be miserable, George.
You are not funny.
Well, if that means
I'm less like you,
then good, I don't
want to be funny, okay?
Mission accomplished, Ira.
Bad career choice.
Comedy usually
is for funny people.
Gotcha.
(SIGHS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(GROANS)
Chances are you've got
a lot of stuff stuffed
in your drawers and closets
that you don't really need.
Mary Bolster
is editor-in-chief
of Natural Health magazine.
She's here to help
you get trashing,
bagging and get organized.
Hello, Mary.
MARY: Hi, Hoda.
HODA: Okay, we do save things
for the wackiest reasons.
(WHISPERING)
Good morning. Hi.
I think I'm gonna
forgive him today.
What? Really?
Yeah.
Great!
That's great news!
He's just gonna be so
jealous that I'm
on Yo Teach! You know?
I just figured it'd
be a cool thing to do.
Well, maybe we could
find something for him.
You know, if it comes up
organically, definitely,
but we shouldn't force it.
You know?
Right.
I don't want to be
on Yo Teach!
It's okay.
I forgave you, you know?
Thank you.
So, how'd everything go
up there this weekend?
I think I did the right thing,
but George fired me
and punched me in the face.
You want to talk about it?
No.
I kind of wish you would.
It sounds like
the greatest story, ever.
Wake me up at 2:00.
I'll tell you about it.
Well, we're glad
you're back.
Glad you're home.
I can't believe I have
to start all over again.
Hey, man,
how you doing?
Hey, how you doing?
Heard you were sick.
You feeling better now?
Over here!
MAN: George,
second lease on life.
What are you gonna do now?
Hey, guys,
come on.
Come on, I heard rumors
about another baby movie.
What do you got, huh?
Yeah, yeah,
we're gonna shoot that.
That should be good.
Gonna start that
in a little bit.
Let me get by you, though.
It's nice up here, huh?
Yeah.
How'd you find it?
Me and my friends,
we hike up here
and I always thought,
"You know, that'd be
a great place to take
"a woman if you...
If you knew one."
Well, now
you know one.
Good.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Hey, I'm gonna
give him the light.
Thanks, Mark.
Bailey,
you're number two.
Hey, Ira.
How you doing?
Good. How you doing?
RANDY: Wassup, big money?
You guys know
each other?
Yes. I've seen this
young Jewish comedian.
Randy, what's happening?
I saw this cat down
at Otto's yesterday.
Made me a little panini.
Grilled chicken pesto.
Shit was nice.
Yeah, I'm working
at Otto's again.
GEORGE: So,
you're going up?
Yeah, I'm about
to go up now.
See you guys.
Later!
Thank you. Thank you.
My friends are very
sexually aggressive,
which is hard for me.
You know,
we'll watch television
and they'll just see...
A hot girl will come on
and they'll just be,
"Man, I wanna fuck the shit
out of that girl, man!
"I'm gonna
fuck that girl!"
And I, like,
can't even say that.
I can't even pretend
I would do that.
I see a hot girl
on TV and I'm like,
"Man, I would friend
the shit out of her!
"I'd friend her all night!
I would be her girlfriend!
"I would drive her
to the airport, man!
"I would hold her purse
while she shopped,
all over her tits!"
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Thank you.
Hi, I need a pound of turkey
and a half-pint
of macaroni salad, please.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Um...
Yeah, I'll just
be one sec, okay?
Okay, thanks.
(IMITATING OLD WOMAN)
The last time I came here,
the roast beef
you gave me had
the string still around it
and I was unaware of this
and fed it to my husband,
and he choked.
How's it going, George?
You get a break or anything
where you can talk?
Okay, yeah. Sure.
Chuck, I'll be one sec,
okay, man?
Shit.
(CLICKS)
(SIGHS)
So, you had to get
your job back here, huh?
Yeah. You know,
I figured I could use
a little job stability.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I get health insurance.
It's pretty good.
So, I thought a lot
about what you said
in the car to me.
A few of those things
might have been accurate.
You tried to help me
and I'm sorry I put you in
the middle of all that stuff.
I'm better
in my body.
My brain has a ways
to go, though.
How are you doing, though?
You're doing okay?
I don't know, Ira.
I...
I caught your whole set
the other night, Ira. Nice.
Yeah, yeah, no,
you're getting a rhythm.
You're starting
to be the Ira I like
in real life onstage.
Thanks. Yeah, I've been
getting up a lot lately,
so it's going well.
Yeah, you were funny,
and it was a fart-free set.
I wrote some stuff down
that night that...
Some jokes.
You want to hear it?
You what?
I couldn't stop
thinking of jokes for you
last night. It was bizarre.
I'm not saying they're
good jokes, but I try.
You actually
wrote them down!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
My fucking
memory's horrible.
That thing you did
about the Wii Fit thing.
What's that?
Oh, like,
"My video game..."
Yeah.
"My video game
told me I'm fat?"
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"The ultimate
betrayal." Yeah.
Right, right. You could maybe
say, "I mean, that's like
my pot telling me I'm lazy."
Oh, that's really funny.
"And the Wii is similar
to my grandmother.
"She used to tell me
I'm getting chubby
"and then bring me
chicken parmesan and say,
'Why are you so fat?"'
(LAUGHING)
That's really funny!
It's true. The video game
made me fat and...
It is like my grandmother.
All right.
"Why are you so fat?
"Here's four gallons
of chocolate milk."
That's good!
She would always do that.
That's good.
I got one
I've been afraid to tell,
kind of, about, like, Viagra.
It's like,
"My grandfather takes Viagra
"and he thought
he was tittie-fucking
my grandmother..."
Yeah?
"But then he realized
he was tittie-fucking
"his own balls."
(BOTH LAUGHING)
That's funny!
You got to do that!
That's pretty funny, huh?
You got to say
that the thing...
That when you're that old
and you have a boner
that there's not
a good position, you know?
That's funny!
That's really...
You do it doggy-style,
your knees hurt.
You get water
on your knee.
"I can't even
hold myself up in..."
Exactly.
"What would
an old man do?"
Yeah...
(ACOUSTIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
WARREN ZEVON: Let's do
another bad one then
'cause I like it
when the blood drains
from David's face.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
MABLE: Okay.
(SLOW SHOW TUNE PLAYING)
(SINGING) Burnt-out ends
of smoky days
The stale cold smell
of morning
The streetlamp dies,
another night is over
Another day is dawning
Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me
You'll understand
what happiness is
Look, a new day
has begun