The Foot Fist Way Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the The Foot Fist Way script is here for all you fans of the Danny McBride movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some The Foot Fist Way quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

The Foot Fist Way Script

How long are the lessons anyway? 45?
That's 45 too many.

I like five-minute lessons.

I like five-minute lessons.

Five-minute lessons,
you're not gonna learn anything.

- I'm not?
- How about 15 minutes?

- Yeah, 45.
- 45?

What about 10?

It says, "Sign up now.
Self-defense could save your life."

- It sure will.
- It will.

- Thank you very much.
- That was cool, yeah.

Who teaches Taekwondo?

- Mr. Simmons.
- Mr. Simmons?

Do you like Mr. Simmons? Is he nice?

- Is he talented? Is he good?
- Is he very good?

He's one of the best instructors in town.

- He is? Can he break rock?
- Yes.

- He can? With his head?
- Yes.

So cute! Look at him!

Showtime, boys.
This is what it's all about,

performing for the people.

Let's go over the plan real quick, okay?

You're gonna start things off
with your little floor pattern,

get everybody hooked,

then I'm gonna step up
and seal the deal.

Board breaks.

Simple plan, okay?
So don't fuck this up for me.

This is my life, okay?

Every single person out there
is a potential new client.

- Y'all understand?
- Yes, sir.

Okay, pull them in.

- Who's the king of the demo?
- You are, Mr. Simmons.

- Who?
- You are, Mr. Simmons.

You're goddamn right, I am.

One, two, three.

That's Julio Chavez,

just one of our black belt students
at Concord Taekwondo.

We got a lot of those there, huh?

This is, without a doubt, to me,

one of the most difficult things
in Taekwondo to do,

is to bust them with your elbow.

And, well,
I fashion myself a master in this.

So y'all are in for a special treat
this afternoon.


Okay! All right!

So, if any of y'all wanna sign up
for classes at Concord Taekwondo,

we have some sheets here
with information, phone numbers,

special rates and whatnot. And...

You know, come talk to me
if y'all wanna learn how to

do some cool Taekwondo.

Nice stretches.

Raul, looks like you got that acne
taken care of. Looking good, champ.

Come on, girls.
All right, everybody line up!

- Sir!
- Line up.

Feet together.

Charyut kyungneh!

- Face senior student! Kyungneh!
- Sir!

- Face the front!
- Sir!

Tenets of Taekwondo. Begin.

- Courtesy, self-control, perseverance...
- Courtesy, self-control, perseverance...

...integrity, indomitable spirit, sir.
...integrity, indomitable spirit, sir.


Hey, everybody. You guys are
stretching? I just got finished doing that.

What are you doing here?
Just come back from working out?

No, I came from church,
you fucking retard.

Okay, that's wonderful language that
my wife uses in front of my friends.

Listen, I just came to remind you about

dinner tonight
with my friends from work.

Okay, let's go ahead
and move to the right.


Could you please take your shoes off?
My mats are 100 bucks apiece.

So are you gonna be there tonight,
or what?

Well, I live there,
so I guess I will be there.

I thought we talked about not doing
this kind of stuff during the week.

Yeah, but I also thought we talked
about how important it was.

Okay, you're right.
Importance, importance.

Okay, for you, honey, anything.
But if you could do something for me,

and just take your high heels
off my mats.

I love you. I'll see you tonight.

Now this is a man who does not
take shit from anybody, just like me.

Look at him. Goddamn movie star.
Beautiful man. Beautiful man.

We're gonna take a road trip next month
to see him. You should come, dude.

Who do you think would win in a fight

between Bruce Lee
and Chuck "The Truck"?

What, are you kidding?
The Truck, easy.

He's the eight-year undefeated
kickboxing champion.

Can Bruce Lee say that? No.
Bruce Lee is dead.

Who do you think would win in a fight,
you or Chuck "The Truck"?

That one's probably
a little too close to call.

Come on. Steady up.

Let's not forget our forms, here.

This ain't a street fight.
This is Taekwondo.

Stop throwing wild punches.
Come on, kicks up.

Come on, not in the face.
Not in the face, okay?

Okay, good. Work him. Work him.

Okay. Kicks up.

I'm so hungry,
I could eat a grown man's ass right now.

Dig in. Dig in. Let's get to business.

- This wine is delicious.
- Thank you.

And let me just say, Connie,

that Fred and I are so happy to
have you and Carlos over for dinner.

Yeah, usually I don't really like to

have guests around
during the middle of the week,

you know, when I'm working,
but you guys are cool.

It's okay for you guys to be here.

Thank you.
I think I speak in Connie's behalf

when I say that we're both
glad to be here. Right, hon?

And, Connie, you,
I'd like to thank you very much

for hooking Suze up with a job.
That was nice of you.

- She didn't hook me up with a job.
- I just got her the interview.

Suzie got the job on her own.

So, Carlos, Connie tells me
you're a big-time lawyer.

Yeah, I just passed the bar exam,

and I'm working for
Williams, Williams and Turner.

And it was all thanks
in part to the G.I. Bill.

That's great. And look at you,
Connie, he's quite a catch.

That's great. And look at you,
Connie, he's quite a catch.

Suze, why don't you just
chill out for a minute, stop flirting.

Connie's sitting right here next to you.

- I wasn't flirting.
- Carlos, you better watch out!

I got my eye on you.

I'm just kidding, dude. Relax.
Take it easy, dude. I'm joking.

Oh, shit!

We forgot to say Grace.

Close your eyes. Give me your hands.

- Honey?
- Close your eyes.

Jesus Christ, we thank you for

not giving us any diseases
that will kill us

and for having jobs

and thank you for this meal
that I bought myself.


Whether you're interested
in self-defense,

staying in shape,
or a fun activity for the entire family,

Taekwondo America
is just what you're looking for.

And that's who trained me.

And if you so choose,
I could train you as well.

I could teach you about strength
that lies deep within.

I could teach you how to unlock power,

I could teach you
discipline, confidence, self-respect.

Yeah, well, I just moved to the area,

and I was looking for
some sort of workout.

You know, just to stay in shape.

Taekwondo's terrific
for keeping in shape,

but it's also
a deadly serious killing system.

I mean, it's probably
the best of all martial arts.

I hear Jujitsu is really good for balance.

Jujitsu sucks.

What you want is Taekwondo.

It's got everything, mental, physical...

That's good, because
when I was in school abroad,

I really got into yoga,

and that's a lot of
breathing techniques and meditation...

Meditation's terrific and all,

but never heard of it saving anyone
from a gang rape-type situation.

Meditate on that. Rape.

I pride myself on really
being able to read people and

understand what's
going through their minds.

And right now, I'm thinking
that you're at about 90%.

I'd like to show you something
that will take care of that last 10.

What is it?

Just a trophy that I won.

A little simple token proving that
I'm the champion of all North America.

Wow, the North American Champion?

Yeah, that's right.
1991 Las Vegas Invitational

Open Sparring Competition.

Four days of pain and courage,

but I emerged victorious, of course.

Back there in the office,
I was beginning to wonder if this was

some type of a joke.

Why don't you ask the guy
who came in second place?

- And, break. Face your partner.
- Sir!


Shake hands.

- Okay, rotate.
- Sir!

All right, everybody just have a seat
for a second. Have a seat.


Now, I'm noticing that a lot of y'all are
just throwing single kicks and punches.

What you need to be doing

is follow those through
with some combinations. Okay?

Let's start with a simple one, shall we?

Right hand block, left hand throws
a distracting back fist,

number one side kick followed through
with a spin crescent kick to the head.

- Sound easy enough?
- Sir!

Okay, let's try it out.
Rick, Marge, hop up.


- Okay, Marge, ready stance. Okay.
- Sir.

Rick, we're gonna have you
on the attack first.

Throw a round kick.

Block with the right,
distracting back fist,

number one side kick,
and spin crescent kick.

There we go. Boom. Got him. Got him.

Got you, didn't she, Rick?

No, I was just doing
what you told me to do.

That's fine.
Everyone's entitled to their opinion.

Think you can beat this combination?

I think Marge and I know different.
Don't we, Marge?

- Yes, sir.
- Okay. Let's do this again.

- Marge, ready stance.
- Sir.

Keep your eyes on Rick.

And don't forget the distracting
back fist. That's the key.

Rick, you come with whatever you got.

Full contact, no holds barred, okay?

I'm gonna warn you,

I don't think you're gonna like
how this ends, hotshot.

- Face your partner. Kyungneh.
- Sir.

Sparring stances.


She still alive?

Somebody check her pulse, please.

- Fuck you!
- What are you doing, weirdo?

I just scared the shit out of you
is what I'm doing.

No, you didn't!

You totally thought
you were just about to get murdered.

Aren't you even gonna ask me
how my first day at work was?

I'm sorry, Your Majesty,
how was your first day at work?

Shitty. This Chinese bitch
was trying to start some shit with me.

She was trying to give me shit
about making personal phone calls.

And I was like,
"Fuck you, you stupid fucking bitch!

- "I'm on my lunch break!"
- Okay, well, my turn.

It was pretty cool at work today
because I signed up a new student.

That's terrific.

She was a girl, this student
was a girl, a new girl I signed up.

And she's kind of cool,
into different stuff.

Into yoga, meditations,
beautiful bodies, healthy bodies.

So, what, you're trying to tell me
you like her or something?

Why do I... 'Cause of what
I told you about yoga? Give me a break.

No, I'm just telling you that she just
got back from being abroad, actually.

She was taking college abroad,
in another country.

- She was getting an education.
- So?

You might be interested in
a story like that,

- a success story like that.
- You don't have a degree.

I don't have a degree myself?
Sweetheart, I have four degrees.

College degree and a black belt degree
are the same thing. Yeah, right.

And you know what I think?

I think someone
who doesn't have a degree at all

should just go ahead and
just keep to what they know.

Which in your case is what?
Dental, denter...

Dentist assistory, or something?

- Dentistry.
- Dentistry? Whatever.

I can't even believe
that's something that's real.

You know what? I'm really fucking tired.

I told you I had a shitty day.

I'm not gonna play your stupid,

"I'm gonna give you shit after your
first day at work" games, okay, Fred?

Okay, well, get untired, because tonight

is two-for-one crab legs
at Captain Olanders.

- Stop.
- Get you in the knee.

- Stop!
- Get your face. Get my own nuts.

- That's stupid!
- Get me in my balls.

Get him in his balls.

That's stupid.

- Those shoes are pointy as hell.
- I know.

They'll beat yours up in a fight.

Those shoes aren't gonna
do nothing to nobody.

I'm so glad you got me out of the house
and brought me here for crab.

Oh, look at that. It beeped once.
Does that mean we're ready? Lookit!

- Who's the king of the demo?
- You are, Mr. Simmons.

You're all goddamn right.
I am the king of the demo.

One, two, three.

Now y'all might wanna
watch your heads in the first row, here.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
I'm playing with y'all.

Okay, here we go.

How many slices have you had, Julio?

How about, you've had enough?

I'm not gonna sit here and
pay for you to stuff your face.

So, Henry, how's school been for you?

It's been all right.

Still planning on going to college?

Yes, sir.

That's okay, I guess.

Julio, of course, is up to nothing.

You're aware that
I've been grooming an apprentice here?

I mean, I think that's no secret
to any of y'all, correct?

But who's to say that a general

can't groom two apprentices?

So that, in the case that Apprentice A

can't hold a single goddamn board
steady during a demo,

you got Apprentice B, the fail-safe.

- Can you hold a board straight, Henry?
- Yes, sir.

I mean, I think as soon as you get
your self-confidence problem down pat,

I think that the future here at the studio

is gonna be pretty much
wide open to you.

I got two words for you, "Demo Team."

Can I be on the Demo Team, too, sir?

I think we're gonna keep you
where you're at, Bruce.


- Hey.
- Hey, what's going on?

Nothing. What are you doing?

Just trying to fix this little dude
on my patch.

His fist looks like a little nub.
I'm trying to get the stitching right.

How was work?

It was all right.

I made a list of who would be
most likely to go on a killing spree.


It pissed everybody off.

It was actually the highlight of my day.
It was awesome.

That's cool.

Guess who was the first one on the list?

- Who's that?
- You know that girl Jennie

I always tell you about?

- Yeah, that fat one?
- Yeah.

What the fuck is this?

So, anything else

interesting or odd
happening around work?

Nothing... Not too much.
It sucks, as usual.

We had a little office party
the other night.


Suze, sweetheart,

could you

tell me what the fuck this is?

Or perhaps, like, what this is?

Because it's my wife's ass.

Why are you going through
my fucking work papers?

This kind of looks like this is
my wife's breast, perhaps.

- What is this?
- It's nothing!

My wife's tits on a Xerox machine.

And just a bunch of dudes.
Time of your life. Who's this?

A dude with his mouth open.

- Who the hell is this fucking guy?
- That's my boss.

Mr. Fisher.

- Lil' Steve Fisher's dad?
- No, my boss.

Lil' Stevie Fisher's dad,
your boss. Great.

- What? What do you want to know?
- What have you been up to?

We just had a party.
Things got out of control.

I really don't know
what else to tell you besides that.

What? I just need to know simply what
happened. That's all I'm asking for.

What happened?

Mr. Fisher and I,
we sort of did something.

I got really drunk,
like Myrtle Beach drunk.

What happened?

I gave him a hand job.

You gave somebody a hand job?

To fit in, to make friends,
you stroked some dude off?

I'm just gonna go stay with
my cousin Julie for a couple of nights.

Julio, take over.

Okay, let's line up for forms!

Guys! Stop! We're supposed
to be practicing our forms!

Yeah, I'm being totally disgusting.

And you're just a goddamn angel,
aren't you?

Okay, yeah, beautiful mouth.
Yeah, fuck me. Wonderful attitude.

Wonderful fucking attitude!
I hate you, too!

I don't hate you. Suzie? Suzie? Hello?

God damn it!
You gonna hang up on me?

How about I take my shotgun
and shoot your fucking tits off!

- What are you doing out here?
- I don't know, sir.

How long have you been
standing out here for?

I need to talk to you, Julio. I need to
tell you something very important.

Man to man, okay? You listening?

Yes, sir.

This world is a dark, dark forest.

And if you open up a man
and look into most of their hearts,

you'll find disgust and evil.

- You hear me?
- Yes, sir.

Your own parents,
your mother and father,

would slit your throat just to get ahead.

And when you find a wife,
you watch her.

And you don't believe
a single word she says.

Because, at the core, people are shit.

The only person that you can trust
is me, your Taekwondo instructor.

I will never sell you out.
Will you ever betray me, Julio?

No, sir.

I know you won't because you're loyal.
You're one of my allies.

Now why aren't you out there
teaching class, like I asked you to?

- They're not listening to me.
- Who's not listening to you?

Brandon, Tamika and Lil' Stevie.

- Lil' Stevie Fisher?
- Yes, sir.

Fisher, okay.

Fisher, okay.

All right. We're gonna learn
some lessons today, class.

How about some lessons?

Class, as you notice, Lil' Stevie
has a problem with his defense.

And that problem is,
he has absolutely no defense!

He's weak as hell. Look at the
frustration in his little Fisher eyes.

Look at him. He's weak as hell, huh?

Look at that.
Now, class, it's very important

to control your opponent.

Did I get under your skin? What you
gonna do? What you gonna do?

You gonna do something, huh?
What's up?

Illegal contact! That's illegal contact!

No, it wasn't!

Oh, shit.

You do not hit my kid!
I don't care what he did!

I don't care if he spit in your face!

Who the hell do you think you are?

Well, there must...
Maybe we got something confused here.

Me and Lil' Stevie were
just having a good time.

Isn't that right, buddy?

You're an idiot!

Oh, I'm an idiot.

Okay, well, you know what?

I didn't wanna bring this out
in front of everybody,

but you're not really
leaving me any choice.

I think you need to take
a good look in the mirror, Mrs. Fisher.

How well do you think
your marriage is going?

How dare you!

You don't even know, do you?

What the hell
are you talking about, Simmons?

Office party. My wife. Your husband.

Mr. Simmons, my husband is dead!

You're making this really awkward.

Okay, everybody, it's time for forms.
Derek, you got your cup on?

'Cause I will hit you there.

You're a trainee, I'm an instructor.
Listen to what I'm saying.

What else you got?
Let me see some moves.

Come on. Weakling.

Come on, let's pretend like
we can do something. Okay, weak.

Come on, get it over!
What's wrong with you?

You're messing...
You're totally messing up!

Whether you're interested
in self-defense,

staying in shape,
or a fun activity for the entire family,

Taekwondo America
is just what you're looking for.

And that's who trained me.

So, shall I draw up the contracts?

I don't really know.
It just seems so expensive.

Well, you're in luck,
because today we have a special deal.

It's $19.99 for the first month,
and that includes a free uniform.

But then it goes up to $50 a month
after that, right?

Which is also a terrific deal.

But then you charge for testings
and sparring gear, right?

I mean, it sounds great, but it's...

I don't know,
it just seems too expensive.

Okay, I know
what we're dealing with now.

- You're one of those soft people.
- Excuse me?

You're lazy, and I have a good idea
that, when you came in here,

you had no intentions upon signing up.

Just wasting my time.
You're a weak person.

I could give you the confidence
you need to correct the situation,

but I don't know.

Doesn't even seem like
it would probably take to you.

- Thank you for your time, sir.
- Thank yourself.

Before you go,
let me leave you with one thing.

You will always regret this,

and you will never be anything
that's worthy of anything.

Fuck you!

Fuck you, you fatass.

If you were in prison, you'd be raped

because you exude feminine qualities.

You're also a big old fat piece of ass.

- Go home, you piece of shit.
- Fuck you!

Denise, could I see you in my office
for a second, please?

Denise, you can
go ahead and have a seat.

So how are you doing?

I'm okay. Class is good.

How about life outside of TKD?

Did my card go through and everything?
Is it okay?

Listen, I know I seem like
a serious martial artist,

but outside of class, I like to cut loose.

I like to have a good time.
Have a beer or two.

Go to a musical dance club.

Just kind of really get down and just...

Kind of just be free.

- That's cool.
- Yeah, it's real cool.

You like to party?

We should party together sometime.
I could give you a call.

I don't think that that's

- such a good idea.
- I don't even need to...

We don't even have to go through
the weird schematics of me asking.

I already got your number and address
from your registration form.

I don't know. I know that

you don't really know a lot about me,

but you're kind of meeting me at
an interesting point in my life right now.

Me and my wife are
kind of going through some...

I don't know,
just kind of an awkward patch.

Just kind of a weird area.

And I'm just kind of not really sure

if we're gonna make it
to the other side or not.

Sorry about that.

I went through a breakup
about a year ago.

It was really hard,
so I know it can really tear people up.

Wow. Did you just feel that?


I mean, we totally
just connected right there.

I mean, it's, you know,
not every day that

someone will give me advice
that is just totally dead on. You know?

It just kind of sums up
exactly what I'm thinking.

I appreciate that, Denise.

Thank you very much. Touch me here.

Let me see your hand.

- Okay.
- Close your eyes.

- You feel that energy?
- No.

It's in here.

I wanna thank you, Denise, for,

you know, just

having some time
for an old champion like myself.

I know I seem like

I'm invincible and nothing can hurt me,
but that's not really the truth.

And it takes a special person
to kind of unlock

the real me.

And I feel like, in a way,
that's what you've done here today

with your kind words.

Well, just keep your head up.
I'm sure you'll pull through.

I think I will, too.
I'm already starting to feel a lot better.

Just wonderful.

- I think I should go.
- Yeah, you better go.

- Stop!
- Sir!

- Face your partner.
- Sir!

Charyut! Kyungneh!

Shake hands.

- All right, rotate.
- Sir!

- Face your partner.
- Sir!

- Feet together. Hands by your side.
- Sir!


Sparring stance!

Sparring stance!

And, spar!

Okay, easy, easy!

He won't even fight!

- Come on, Henry, get back in here.
- Yes, sir!

I know you got more juice than that.

Don't waste your parents' money
being a punching bag.


Okay, stop. Rick. Rick!

Stop! Rick! Break! Everybody, sit down!


Rick! Buddy, you have
some serious anger issues!

Okay, this ain't therapy. You're not
gonna work that stuff out here.

Everybody knows Henry's weak
and has a confidence problem.

You're gonna try to exploit that?
Not in my studio!

Fifty push-ups. Now!

- Yes, sir.
- Count them out.

One. Two. Three.

- Count them out. Sir!
- Four.

Five, sir! Six, sir! Seven, sir!

Eight, sir! Nine, sir!

You ought to come over one night.

I make a great crusted salmon
with garlic on asparagus.

- You cook? I love to cook!
- Oh, yeah, all the time.

Sure. You ought to come on over.

We'll try perhaps
adding a second entrée,

maybe from some place you've been
overseas. You been anywhere lately?

Actually, I just came back
from the Netherlands.

Oh, really?
Well, maybe we won't deep fry it,

but maybe something Indonesian
from there.

So, when do you think would be good
for us to get together?

Probably Wednesday night
would be good for me.

Okay, okay.

Suzie, this is Fred, again.

Maybe some of the stuff I talked to you
about didn't really get through

because I have not received
one phone call from you today.

To be quite frank with you,
I'm a little ticked off

and pretty much super pissed, so...

Change it.
Figure out how to change the situation.

I am not comfortable with where we are
and this not calling back,

and just kind of

with everything that's going on,
you can understand where I'm at.

So, I need you to call me back

because I am not happy.

So, what else? That's it.

I love you very much,
but I still am pissed.

Okay, have a good night.

Henry, where's your ride?

My mom was supposed to
take me home.

What the hell do they think this is,
a goddamn day care center?

Go get your shit. I'll take you home.

- You know what a hand job is?
- Yes, sir.

It's when a female
strokes a male's genitalia

till he ejaculates.

That's what a hand job is, Henry.
Sex 101 for you.

Makes me sick to
my goddamn stomach.

I've been married to this lady
for quite some time.

I mean, this is my fucking life, dude.
I mean, give me a goddamn break!

I'm married to a goddamn... Some slut

who's gonna jerk off every motherfucker

that knows how to work a goddamn
computer at her fucking job?

Jesus Christ!

I mean, this is me talking to you here.

I'm in full goddamn control,
and shit like this can happen to me!

What's gonna happen to you?

'Cause you sure as hell are
a lot fucking weaker than me.

- I don't know, sir.
- Yeah.

I bet you your wife's probably
gonna butt-fuck somebody.

Mr. Simmons,
my mom's probably waiting for me.

I'm freaking you out there, kid.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Let's talk about you.
Wanna talk about you?

- Sure.
- Yeah.

Why did you start Taekwondo?
How about that?

Let's start with something simple.

- I really don't know.
- Was it 'cause of bullies?

Sort of.

Bet it was, wasn't it?
I hate that mean shit.

My psychiatrist says
that it's perfectly normal

for, you know, a guy my age
to feel isolated...

Oh, motherfucker!
Oh, my God, that's her! Get down!

That's her. That's fucking her.

Look at her, she's with three dudes.

Three goddamn guys. Look at that guy.

Look at friendly man opening up
the goddamn door for her.

See how she's enjoying herself?

I bet you that's him.
I bet that's fucking Mr. Fisher.

Look at him.

They look like they're about to
have sex with her to you?

I don't know.

I wanna hear "sir"! Count them out!

Sir! Sir!

- Sir! Five, sir! Six, sir!
- Sir. Get them up!

Anyone else wanna be
a little jerk like Brandon?

Come on, wake up, Pete! Come on.

Your weakness is disgusting to me!

Throw a punch
that's gonna do something!

If you don't wanna try,
then just go ahead and go home,

'cause you're wasting
both of our time here!

- I'm trying, Mr. Simmons!
- Try harder.

'Cause right now, you're sucking.

- Mr. Simmons, I gotta pee-pee.
- Pinch it off!

Pete, what the hell are you doing?
Get in your ready stance!

Julio! Will you answer
the fucking phone?

You're in charge. You're in charge.
You're fucking in charge.

You're a champion. You're a champion.

No, you're a fucking phony.
She gave him a hand job.

I'm a winner.

I feel my fucking power slipping.
My power is slipping.

You're fucking pathetic! You're pathetic.

No, you're fucking cool.

I'm a fucking asshole.

They don't know. They don't know shit.

Confidence, strength.

You better keep it together.
You can keep this together.

Strength, virtue.

I can keep this. I can make this work.

I can hold myself completely together.

Fuck! Pull it the fuck together!

I'm sorry, guys.

I just blew it.

And it hurts.

I'm so sorry.

Mr. Simmons?

Not today, Julio, okay? Go sit down.
Go sit with the kids. Not today.

Go sit down. Okay?

Everybody paying attention?
Eyes up here.

Got a very special treat
for all you guys today.

A close friend of mine,
actually my best friend,

has decided to pay us a little visit.

This man, I went to high school with,
I grew up with him,

and we both trained under Mr. Powers.

I want y'all to give him
the utmost respect,

listen to everything he has to say,

because if you pay close attention,
y'all might learn something.

Everyone, let's give it up
for Mr. Mike McAlister.


5% of all people

who start Taekwondo

actually make it to black belt.


1% become fourth degree black belts.

Mr. Simmons
is a fourth degree black belt.

I'm a fifth degree.

But I don't believe in belts.

Let's break some cement.

I'm glad we have this time to talk.

Right away, before we go any further,

I wanna establish a code of conduct.

This trip we're on is for men,
not little boys.

You guys are gonna see things
that you've never seen before.

And when we get back,
nobody's gonna tattle.

Right, Julio?

'Cause I'm gonna do a lot of bad things,

and you guys aren't going to stop me.

- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.

You guys ever had sex?

Y'all getting to know Mike
pretty good back here?

- Why don't you go ahead and buckle up.
- No, thank you.

Okay. You guys, buckle up.

If anybody has to take a piss,
now is the time,

'cause we're getting ready to get the
H-E double hockey sticks outta here.

I mean, Julio, give me a break.

I mean, it's obvious that
Chuck "The Truck" would win

in a fight against Jeff Speakman.

I mean, Kenpo is
the shittiest of all martial arts.

I mean, it's two freaking sticks.

It's just ignorant to think otherwise.
Plain ignorant.

- Check this out.
- What you got?

Oh, no, you did not! Oh, my God!

It's Mike's band, Sexual Warriors.
These guys are totally awesome.

This is great.
This sounds so professional.

Wow, man. You did this?

Oh, my God.

How much longer? Hurry up.

When I told y'all to take pees
before we left,

I was serious about that.

I mean, I gotta take a shit, you don't
see me out here acting like an animal.

Missing valuable expo time right now.

Probably already sold
all the good throwing stars.

This is gonna be so awesome.
God, look at all this Truck stuff!

Hey. It's $5 a ticket.

Okay. Y'all got your money?
I'm not paying for you guys.

- There you go.
- Thanks.

There are many pressure points in the
body. Some can cause extreme pain.

Such as here.

Another that can
cause a person to pass out.

Please listen carefully.
This move takes years of practice.

If you do it too fast
or in the wrong place,

you can actually
cause your partner's death.

We have booths set up in the corner
for our schools...

Fucking amateurs.

And now,
we have a special treat for everyone!

This is what you've all been waiting for.

Seven-year undefeated
Open Sparring Champion,

world record Board Breaking Champion,

the star of 7 Rings of Pain,

Parts I, II, and III!

I know him! You know him!

We're downtown, y'all! Let's get loud!

Please welcome

Chuck "The Truck" Wallace!

Break that shit!

Oh, my God!

Is this what you want?

- There you go, buddy.
- Thanks, Chuck.

Mr. Wallace, Fred Simmons.
Pleasure to meet you.

This is Mike McAlister,
and these are some of my students.

I gotta tell you, I consider myself
to be a master of the demo,

and I really haven't seen anything like

what you just showed
everyone in this room.

I mean, that was really powerful stuff,
and, you know, I was blown away.

Cool. Thank you.

I own a karate school,
Taekwondo school,

and I just think that
my students would really love it

if maybe you wanted to come down
for their testing next month.

Why don't we not talk business now.

You and your boys,
why don't you come by my suite?

Room 624. Just come there
later tonight and we'll hash this all out.

- Are you serious?
- Believe it.

We'll definitely come by and...

- To your hotel room? Oh, my God.
- Sure.

You think that I could get an autograph?

You're my favorite movie star.

Julio, where's that money
your mom gave you?

- I spent it all.
- You spent it on junk?

I spent it on a weapon.


I'm about to shit my pants!
This is so fucking awesome!

Goddamn! Look at Julio.
He's not even excited.

Be cool, all right?

You guys on the list?

Yeah, we're guests
of Chuck "The Truck" Wallace.

Chuck, do you know these guys?

Hey, demo man!

Y'all bring some hot chicks?

Not really. Just my buddy Mike,
and Henry and Julio. And me.

Then get the fuck out of here.

I'm kidding! Come on in! Come on in!

How's it going, ladies?

This is a beautiful town.
We're really enjoying ourselves.

Guys, you look great tonight. Perfect.
You throw a good party.


Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit.

See that?
This guy sucks with the leg work.

This guy is defenseless.

Arms crossed. Trapped.

And you're just handsome.
Good God, you're handsome, my boy.

To life! Fuck it!

Okay. Oh, shit. Oh, that's cool.
Oh, shit. Okay.

- Hold up, dude. You got an ID?
- It's all right, I'm with Mr. Simmons.

Yeah, yeah, that's cool.
But I don't know who the fuck that is.

Y'all know Mr. Simmons?

Hey, you should check out
getting a fake ID.

- You know what that is?
- No, what?

You're a douche.

Where'd you get the beer, Fred?

Somebody left it in the bathroom,
but it tastes fine. It's fine.

Cage match,
me and a silverback gorilla.

I'm not really feeling this party.

You know, just not really coming off
like I planned.

I mean, just a little disappointed.

Chuck, he hasn't even
said anything about the demo yet.

It's like he doesn't even care.

Plus, he obviously likes you
more than me.

Perhaps you should
go speak with him about it.

- You think so? Just go and talk to him?
- Definitely. What do you have to lose?

- How's my shirt look? Fine?
- Looks absolutely beautiful.

Thank you. Okay, here I go.

Come on, man, isometrics!
Animals don't lift weights.

And animals are strong.

Who wants to see me with my shirt off?

Your body looks great, Chuck!

- Looking good.
- Thanks.


In your twisted reality

Your mind don't throw no tricks at me

You're just a kid in grownup clothes

A shit-eating baby
from your head to your toes

You dumbass

You ugly fucking jerk

You fucking asshole

And you're ugly as hell

- Fuck!
- Armand!

Armand, are you all right? Armand!

You just killed fucking Armand,
you motherfucker!

Oh, Christ.

This is The Truck's party, guys.
We can't be fighting.

- What the hell are you doing, Henry?
- You're a bunch of fucking assholes!

Julio, Jesus Christ, dude!

Fuck it, get ready!


You think it's cool just
to come into my party

and beat up the band?

I think that's cool as shit!

Armand, Emmanuel, get up.

Bring these boys some beers.

They've earned them.
And you know what?

That little karate testing thing,
I'm gonna do it.

- For real?
- Yeah.

You'll come to the school
and do the testing?

Oh, yeah.

God damn! That's awesome, Chuck.
Thank you very much.

'Cause I like you, 10 grand.

Ten grand.
I don't really have that kind of money.

- It's a friend price.
- A friend, huh?

Let's party, people! Come on!

Everything changes starting today.

Today, I'm gonna teach y'all
about your forms.

If y'all would like to get to your next belt,
which I'm assuming you would,

you're gonna have to
know these things correctly.

This is kind of rushed.

We only got two weeks until the testing.

A lot of y'all know I've had
some personal stuff happening with me,

and, you know,
kind of threw me for a loop there.

I got weak for a little bit of time.
Just about that little bit.

But now we need to put that behind us.

We need to step up to the plate.

We need to accept what's in front of us,
and we just need to go for it.

This testing is humongous for us.

Chuck "The Truck" Wallace
is gonna be there.

We're in the spotlight.
It's our time to shine.

Think y'all are ready for this?
Think you can handle it?

- Yes, sir!
- Yes, sir!

I didn't hear you.

I said, do you think
y'all can handle this?

- Yes, sir!
- Yes, sir!

Let's begin, shall we?

The name of your form is Chon-Ji.
It has 19 movements.

The yellow belt represents the earth
in which the plant takes root.

Do-San is a pseudonym for the patriot.

Hung Chung-ho!

The green belt signifies
the plant's growth

as the skill of Taekwondo develops!

The blue belt signifies the sky.

Toi Gai is the pen name
of noted scholar Yee Wong.

The name of the form is Hwa-Rang.

Red belt means danger.
It cautions the student to use control.

One! Two!

Tight fist. Tight fist.

Blocks up. Keep them up.

One! Two! One! Two!

Good form, Bruce. One!
Keep your fingers together, Rick.



Two! Three!


Keep your stance.

What are you doing here?

I'm so stupid!

- What happened?
- Those assholes fired me.

So, I mean, what are you doing here?

You're my rock.

I realized that I need your confidence
and your strength.

- Because I'm so strong.
- Yeah.

That's why you're coming back to me,

because you've realized
how strong I am.

I mean, I know I may seem like
I'm the strongest man

that you've ever known before
or ever met,

but the fact of the matter is that

I'm penetrable, you know?

I have a human heart
that ticks under here and...

I know. I'm so sorry.
You make me feel safe.

Who doesn't wanna feel safe,
you know?

But I got to feel safe, too.

And in order for that to happen...

I could be the bigger man,

but you're gonna have to be
the smaller woman, to some extent.

I know. I will.

I just need you to say it.

I love you.

Not that.

I'm sorry.

Not that, either.

Let's just not say anything.

You took your shoes off.

I don't ever wanna disrespect you
in your house again.

Don't you ever disrespect me.

There's not really
an easy way to put this, but...

What me and you had? It's no more.

It's over with now.

I know this is gonna be
hard for you to take,

but I think you might just wanna
take a moment and just let it soak in.

Just take it.

Mr. Simmons,
I really need to go practice my forms.

I'm patching things up with my wife,

and it really is probably not gonna work

if a former flame of mine
is taking class here.

So, unfortunately for you,
I'm tearing up your contract.

You're kicking me out of class?

That's one way of looking at it.

Or you could look at it the way I do,

which is that we were just two stars
kind of moving through the space

and we kind of found our own path.

- This is ridiculous! You're ridiculous!
- Okay.

Let's not ruin the memories.
Just be nice.

There's no reason to get nasty.


I rebuilt the engine about a year ago.

New tires, new brakes.

Gotten this baby up to on the open highway,

plus there were 2,000 rpm's left.

It's a very special car.
It means a lot to me.

And sure I wanna sell it,
I wanna get rid of it,

but that doesn't mean
I'm gonna unload it on any little yahoo

that comes in here off the street,
thinking this car's neat-o.

I wanna check your credentials.
I gotta know what kind of man you are.

Why don't you tell me a little bit
about yourself?

Well, I've always wanted to drive a car
like this, since I was a teenager.

I've got two kids,
and I've got debt up to my ass.

My wife said she'd divorce me
if I wasted my money on this.

I don't care. I want it, anyway.

I hear what you're saying.

And I like it. You got yourself a deal.

A toast.

Here's to finding our footing again.

To traveling along paths that
we think are the right paths,

but end up not being the right paths,

but discovering the path
we were on originally was perfect for us.

And to the magic
that lies in each of our souls

that can create love

and cherishness


So that's my office in there,
where I do a lot of my work.

If you don't mind, I'm just gonna
introduce you to everybody.

They'll get a kick out of this.

Everybody! We've a special guest today
all the way from Hollywood.

I'd like you to meet
Chuck "The Truck" Wallace, everybody.

Yeah, give him a hand.
Wonderful, wonderful.

Go on with what you're doing.
Go back to what you were doing.

As you can see,
I kind of run the gambit here.

I teach everything from little guys,
little kindergartners,

to senior citizens. It's not a big deal.

Raul, you think you wanna
show The Truck your 360?

Check this out. Watch this.

- Look out. What you think about that?
- That's great.

- Good job, Raul. Good job.
- Hey, you got that money?

Yeah. A business man.
I can appreciate that.

I'm a businessman myself.
The money's actually back at my house.

I had to sell my car for it,
but anything for you is cool.

- I don't give a shit.
- We'll just go back to my house.

Mitchell, you wanna meet The Truck?
You wanna shake The Truck's hand?

Mitchell here was a basket case
till I got a hold of him.

Now he's dressing sharp, making good
grades, slaying the ladies.

Come on. Don't be shy.
Shake The Truck's hand.

Hey, can we get the fuck outta here?
I'm shitfaced.

Yeah, yeah. You go back to your stuff.
Yeah, that's totally fine.

Here we are.
This is the master bedroom.

This is where I usually sleep,
but you can sleep here tonight.

Me and Suze are just gonna go ahead
and crash on the couch.

So, you know, feel free to spread out,
do whatever you want to.

- Cool.
- It's up to you.

My wife decorated this room.

It kind of has like a Myrtle Beach theme.
She's really into dolphins.


My wife has beautiful taste.
She pretty much decorated everything.

Speak of the devil, there she is now.
Home from work?


Why don't you hop on up
and meet our guest here?

This is Chuck "The Truck" Wallace.
Chuck, this is my wife Suze.

- Pleasure.
- Nice to meet you.

What a charmer this one is?

She'll probably never
wash her hands again,

I swear to God.
That's how she is with stars.

Some party you're having here, Salazar.

Guess my invitation got lost in the mail.

Look at that. Look at that.
What a coincidence that is.

Unfortunately for you,
I've got an ax to grind.

This is great. This is absolutely terrific.

You know, I got my beautiful wife here,
I love you, Suzie,

and my best hero.

You mind if I call you that,
"my best hero"?

Let's stick with Chuck.

I just feel so lucky right now. I really do.

This is a moment I would like
to just have last forever.

Well, I gotta go ahead and make tracks.
I gotta go teach Taekwondo.

So, if y'all are set here, everybody's
feeling comfortable and stuff...

Just make yourself at home.
Do whatever you need to do.

I'm gonna go teach the young ones.

I'll be back shortly. Be good, okay?
And have fun.

Don't worry, we're friends till the end.
The bitter end.

- You ready for tomorrow, Bruce?
- Damn right, sir.

- Think you owe me 10 bucks.
- Yes, sir.

- You got a ride home?
- Yeah, I do.

- Perfect.
- Thank you.

- Have a good night. Get some rest.
- You, too.

- Say it.
- I love you.

- Say it again.
- I love riding The Truck.

Come on, say it louder.

I love riding The Truck!

- Oh, that's good.
- There you go.

- What the hell, Suzie!
- Holy shit!

- Fred, what are you doing home?
- What the hell is going on?

- You're gonna do this to me again?
- It's nothing. It didn't mean anything!

Oh, God, baby, it's not what you think!

- You were fucking him!
- We were just talking.

- Yeah, talking!
- Guys, come on, it's just sex.

No. This is it!
I've about had enough of you!

I was excited to come home
and just hang out with you,

and I come home and I see this!

Baby, it didn't mean anything!
He's a movie star!

I know he's a movie star!

I'm the one who got him to
come here for my fucking testing!

Listen, let me just talk about this.
Can we go outside?

We're gonna go outside, all right.
We are definitely going outside.

I always told people we'd never fight.

I was so goddamn excited when
you agreed to come to my testing.

I know you're a warrior, so I'll give you

the basic right of stretching
before our battle.

But besides that,
I ain't gonna give you shit.

Not mercy. Not even forgiveness.

Let's hurry up and do this.
I gotta get back to fucking your wife.

- What did you just say?
- I said, "Let's hurry up and do this..."

That was stupid.

Get ready to get run over by The Truck.

That shit barely even hurt me, dude.

Okay. Okay.

All that and my shirt's
still tucked in. Pathetic.

- How about this?
- Shit.

Motherfucker. Goddamn.

Hurts a lot more when it's not for points.

- Come on. Come on, big boy. Come on.
- All right, you motherfucker.

How about that?

How about that, huh?

Take that,
you adulterous motherfucker, you.

What you got now?
Got any left inside of you?

Oh, God. Oh.

You motherfucker! You spit on me!

I told you. Is this worth $10,000?

You're such a fucking dick sucker! God!

- Fuck you!
- What the fuck?

Fuck you!

Mr. Powers, I'm Mark Love.
Good to see you.

We have seats at the Judges' Table
for all of you.

- Where's Mr. Simmons?
- He's on his way.

Everybody, line up for forms!

- Where's Mr. Simmons?
- I said, "Line up!"

- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.

Today, you will be testing
for your new belt.

Mr. Simmons isn't here,
so I'll be running the testing today.

Does anybody
have a problem with that?

No, sir!

I didn't hear you! Does anybody
have a problem with that?

No, sir!

- Show me a ready stance!
- Sir!

Somebody really beat him up.

Sorry I'm late. Where are we?

- This looks bad, Mr. Simmons. Bad.
- Julio, where are we?

We're done, you understand me?

- Red belts still have to do their sparring.
- Thank you, Julio.

- You're a good instructor, buddy.
- Thanks, Mr. Simmons.

- You're forgetting your place here, Fred.
- Fuck off.

Good morning, everyone,
and welcome to our testing.

I'm okay. I'm all right.

Had a little accident last night,
but I'm doing okay.

Rick, Henry, line up for sparring.

Face your partner!


Rick, bow!

Sparring stances!


- Fred, you need to make them stop.
- Let them go.

Somebody's gonna get hurt.

Stop! Rick! Henry! Stop!

Henry, 25 push-ups for going too hard.

Mr. Wallace, it's an honor to meet you.

Yeah, well, I'm a man of my word.

Mr. Simmons, what are you doing?

You think Mr. Wallace
is so freaking cool.

I'm sorry about this, Mr. Wallace.

- Let me get some...
- Now, let's just all settle down.

Apparently, he's had
some trouble at home.

That concludes our testing for today.

Now, stick around because
we have a special demonstration

from the legendary
Chuck "The Truck" Wallace.


Jesus, baby, you look terrible.

Well, that's because I got into a fight
because of you and your ways.

Look, I know this has been hard on you.
This has been so hard on me.

Let's just forget about all this.

Let's just start over, put everything
behind us and just start brand new.

Just let bygones be bygones?


You can go and have
a little hand job party at work,

and then have sexual intercourse
with the hero of my life,

and then 'cause it doesn't work out
the way you want it to,

you're just gonna come back to me
and everything's gonna be hunky-dory.

Do you wanna know
why I cheated on you?

Take a good look in the fucking mirror.

You wear this
piece of shit outfit for real!

This isn't a uniform, this is a costume!

You're the king
of the dumbest fucking kingdom!

I want you to take a good look
at that ring on your finger,

and then take a good look at me!

And you tell me,
are you really ready to give this up?

Let me think about that for a second.

Okay, I've thought about it.

And I think my answer to that question
is gonna have to be, "Fuck you."

- Fuck me?
- I don't care if you wake up in a ditch

with grown men shitting on you
and jumping on top of your head.

Maybe your nose will
turn into a big old dick

and you can stroke that all the time.

I hope your hair turns
into dog shit one day.

You wake up and
you run your comb through it,

and all that it is,
is little trundles of dog shit.

The worst shit that you could imagine.


It's cool.
Everything comes around, sweetheart.

What are you doing?

I'm relieving myself.


Turn that shit off.

Track number three, Julio.

So it begins.


- Chuck The Truck! Chuck The Truck!
- Chuck The Truck! Chuck The Truck!

- Chuck The Truck! Chuck The Truck!
- Chuck The Truck! Chuck The Truck!

- Chuck The Truck! Chuck The Truck!
- Chuck The Truck! Chuck The Truck!

- Simmons! Simmons! Simmons!
- Simmons! Simmons! Simmons!

Henry Harrison.

Thank you, sir.

Well, that concludes
our awards ceremony.

But before y'all leave,
there's one further announcement.

Mr. Roy Powers
was very impressed with our testing

and he has decided that our school
will be implementing a student oath.

He has chosen me
to be the architect of this document.

I will now read to you
the new student oath for the first time.

Student oath! Begin, sir!

"I shall observe
the tenets of Taekwondo!

"I will always obey my instructor
and senior students!

"I will never misuse Taekwondo!

"I will be a champion
of freedom and justice!

"I will always be righteous and
help build a more peaceful world!"

Special thanks to SergeiK.