Ghost Town Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Ghost Town script is here for all you fans of the Ricky Gervais movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. At least you'll have some Ghost Town quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?

And swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.

Ghost Town Script

  
  
Hello? Is anybody there?

  
Hey, honey, what's up?

  
Slow down. Who are you talking about?

  
No, I don't know! Sweetheart,
I don't have a clue what you're...

  
An apartment?

  
No, no! Of course I'm not
looking at an apartment!

  
Why would I be
looking at an apartment?

  
Wait a sec, wait. I know what this is.

  
Oldest trick in the book. Yeah.
Did a realtor call you? Yeah.

  
Yeah, realtor calls the wife, says,
"Oh, yeah, I spoke to the husband.

  
"I'm looking at a... "

  
My card? My business card?
I don't know.

  
That I don't know. I don't know
why he has my business card.

  
Maybe he...

  
Maybe he or she, then.

  
Yeah.

  
Okay, surprise ruined.

  
No, no, it's all right.

  
It was gonna be for our anniversary,
but I...

  
Yeah, it's just a little one-bedroom
in the West Village,

  
but you're gonna love it.

  
Yeah. Yeah, I know.

  
Hey, listen, the car never picked me up
for this thing at the Waldorf.

  
I got to go. I'll see you at home tonight,
okay, honey?

  
I love you, too.

  
It's okay. Big kiss.

  
All right, then. Bye-bye.

  
Hey, let me ask you a question.

  
You a real estate broker
or a professional fucking idiot?

  
Babe, I really think
we ought to let the super do that.

  
No, I got it, I got it.
Just move that stuff.

  
No, I did not say
my wife needs to see the apartment.

  
I said Amber needs
to see the apartment. Amber.

  
Amber sound like the wife
of a man my age to you?

  
- Careful with my table!
- Yeah, picked it up right now.

  
Okay, just get the cord for me, will you?

  
Okay, all right. I got it, baby.
What do you want me to do with it?

  
Just keep it out of my way.

  
Well, it's not exactly a love nest

  
if my wife's there picking out
the goddamned curtains, is it?

  
Careful, just get the window,
get the window.

  
- Okay?
- Ready?

  
Yeah, just pull it down, and inside.

  
No, I'm telling you right now,
stop talking.

  
Because I'm thinking.

  
No, I'm thinking! I don't...
You know what? Just kill it.

  
No, kill it. Kill the whole thing.

  
- There, good.
- See? DIY. "Do It Yourself. "

  
Oh, no!

  
Call me over the weekend.
Leave a message on the home machine

  
saying the seller's
had a change of heart,

  
and that the whole thing's...

  
- Oh, my God!
... dead.

  
You are not gonna believe
what almost just happened!

  
- Did you see that?
- Someone call 911!

  
- Oh, my God, is he dead?
- He ain't happy.

  
What?

  
You cannot be serious!

  
Not now.

  
Okay, go ahead and spit.

  
So, anyway, the very first scene
just takes your breath away.

  
You have to remind yourself that
you're in the theater watching a play.

  
My five-year-old, Alex, just adored it.

  
He wanted his father to see it with us.

  
That's better.

  
Anyway, I think he really,
really enjoyed the costumes...

  
Dr. Pincus? Hi.

  
I'm gonna need
the panoramic X-ray machine

  
for most of the morning tomorrow,

  
so if that fits in
with your appointments...

  
Fine.
I've cleared my schedule for tomorrow.

  
Really?

  
I hear it's supposed to be a lovely day.

  
And?

  
No, I just thought that maybe
you were taking the day off to go and...

  
Right. Sorry to bother you.

  
You know, we brought some cake.

  
Mrs. Prashar and I
just had our baby, so...

  
Yeah, it's a girl,

  
and we're having a little cake
and I brought some pictures, so, if you...

  
That'd be delightful.

  
Start without me.

  
Great, great. Okay, so...

  
What a cute baby. She is so cute.

  
- Yeah, she really is.
- How long was the labor?

  
- Ten hours.
- Ten hours?

  
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.

  
- That seems like a really long time.
- No, not really.

  
- It's not?
- Not really.

  
- See, that's, like, too long.
- It's so worth it.

  
I'll just get a cat, you know?

  
Like, 10 hours is a long time
to get something, you know?

  
- Look at that.
- So cute.

  
Stop global warming?

  
Yeah, just a tiny...
It might take a little jiggle.

  
Good evening, Doctor.

  
You know what? Let me just open it.

  
Hey! Can you hold the elevator?
Please?

  
- Yeah. Holding.
- Thank you.

  
- Sorry!
- Wait, hold. Hey! Hey!

  
Good. Still some more.

  
Come on, come on, come on,

  
make it, make it, make it,
make it, make it, make it.

  
Paging Dr. Michael,
Dr. Michael to Pediatrics, please.

  
- Charts come back up, yet?
- They're there.

  
I appreciate it.

  
- Spell it.
- P-I-N-C-U-S.

  
- Date of birth?
- Why?

  
What day were you born?

  
No, I understood the question.
Why do you need to know that?

  
Let's leave it blank. Weight?

  
- Last night or this morning?
- You pick.

  
Hundred and eighty-two pounds.

  
Number of alcoholic beverages
consumed per week?

  
- Why do you need to know that?
- Well, they want to know.

  
Well, I'm sure
"they" want to know a lot of things,

  
but I don't want my intimate details

  
auctioned off to the highest bidder,
willy-nilly.

  
I'll put zero.

  
- Marital status?
- Pass.

  
- Profession?
- Irrelevant.

  
- Food allergies?
- I'm not gonna be eating here.

  
- Are you allergic to sticking plaster?
- What a ludicrous question.

  
I'm not answering
any more of these, really.

  
- Do you smoke?
- Stop it.

  
- Do you wear dentures?
- Madame, listen.

  
- When was the last time you ate?
- A pertinent question at last.

  
Yesterday, lunchtime.
Thanks for asking.

  
I had a tuna sandwich.
Toast was soggy, but...

  
- Did you drink the laxative solution?
- Yes.

  
Did it work?

  
It was as advertised.

  
Did you evacuate your bowels?

  
I drank copious amounts
of drain-cleaning fluid.

  
What followed was fait accompli.

  
Sir, what I'm asking is if you were...

  
I shat. Okay? Good. Again and again.

  
It was like a terrorist attack down there
in the darkness and the chaos,

  
the running and the screaming, okay?

  
- Fine with me.
- Good.

  
Gross invasion of my privacy, this.

  
Wait till they get you in the back.

  
- Good morning, Dr. Pincus.
- Hi.

  
Don't anticipate any difficulties today.

  
We'll have you up
and on your feet in no time.

  
- Okay.
- Quick question.

  
I notice you requested
a general anesthetic.

  
It's not really typical
for this type of procedure.

  
- It's not necessary and we normally...
- Sorry.

  
I have no intention of being around
when they go where they're going.

  
When does the surgeon arrive?

  
I'm the surgeon.

  
- Really?
- Yeah.

  
- Why do you look that tan?
- Thanks for noticing.

  
I got a spray tan
on my way to work today.

  
- Looks natural.
- Yes. It's better for you.

  
It's moisturizing
and it doesn't cause UV damage, so...

  
Yeah.

  
It has an odd smell.
I can't quite place it.

  
- I don't know if...
- No, I don't want to smell your fake tan!

  
- What are you...
- It's like dirt.

  
But like a garden dirt, like a good dirt.
Not like a garbage dirt.

  
- You gonna go darker?
- I think I am. I think I'd like to go darker.

  
It's really gonna make my eyes pop.

  
You could get your teeth whitened
like I did.

  
- Yeah, that makes a difference.
- Very nice.

  
Yeah, I don't like having trays
in my mouth and my teeth are small.

  
Sorry, you babbling idiots.

  
Can we talk about my bowels?
Wouldn't that be a good idea?

  
Looks like the sodium thiopental's
really kicking in, huh?

  
- Makes people say crazy things.
- I haven't given it to him yet.

  
- Going in now.
- How old are you?

  
So are you here on a school field trip?

  
Not a real people person are you,
Dr. Pincus?

  
Not really. Given a choice between
a few people and loads of people,

  
I choose my cat. She hunts dwarves.

  
She takes them up the tree.
They're still alive.

  
You can see their little legs going.

  
Sounds like Norah Jones
when she plays the piano.

  
Wow, you must be excited
to get home and see your cat.

  
What cat?

  
I thought yesterday
you said you had a cat.

  
I despise cats. What sort of men
waste their affection on a cat? Pathetic.

  
I had a cat once, when I was a little girl.

  
My father, right before he died,
he took me to the shelter and he said,

  
"Debra, take a look
at all these lonely cats... "

  
What a wonderful man
he must have been.

  
Now, listen.

  
All those people in my room last night,

  
I thought I was dreaming at first,
but I wasn't.

  
Who were they?

  
- I don't know anything about that.
- Right.

  
- Here you go. Clean bill of health.
- All right, thank you.

  
Come back soon!

  
What a terrible thing to say
in a hospital.

  
Nice.

  
Fine example for healthcare workers.

  
Still, I suppose
smoking serves a purpose.

  
- Thins the herd. Weeds out the stupid.
- Are you speaking to me?

  
Yeah, but I was having a go at them,
not you.

  
Oh, good.

  
I picked one that should be
in a straightjacket. My mistake.

  
Show it some attention,
it follows you home. Unbelievable.

  
Sorry!

  
Did he see you, too?

  
- He can see us!
- Who?

  
That guy?

  
Hey, why don't you open your eyes?

  
Hey!

  
Hey, mister!

  
Please, just hold up!

  
- Idiot. Get out of the road.
- Wait! Hey!

  
- Listen, I just need two minutes...
- Look out!

  
...of your time!

  
You can see me, huh?

  
And you're not like us.

  
I know you're not, because back there,
that cab almost hit you!

  
And he honked at you,
and he yelled at you!

  
I don't feel well. Why on earth...

  
Hey!

  
Officer, there's loony weirdoes.

  
I don't know why they're here.
I'm a dentist.

  
- Hey, man, you can see me.
- Oh, good.

  
Hey, come back here!
I wanna talk to you!

  
Hey, don't be scared! I'm a cop!

  
- He can see us?
- Who? That guy?

  
...from the moment I left the hospital.

  
- What kind of side effects?
- Hallucinations.

  
- Okay, visual or aural?
- Both.

  
And really vivid, really realistic, weird.
I mean, that's not normal.

  
Well, you know.
What's normal, you know? Really.

  
Not having hallucinations,
I'd have thought.

  
Did anything unusual happen
during my procedure?

  
- Did any...
- Did any what...

  
- Sorry, but did anything...
- Where?

  
- Why do you just keep talking while...
- I didn't hear what...

  
- Why do you keep interrupting me?
- No, well...

  
- Did anything unusual happen...
- You kind of interrupted me a little bit.

  
- Just answer the...
- Just.

  
- Did anything unusual happen?
- Where?

  
What do you mean, where?
That's not a proper... Yes or no?

  
Did anything unusual happen
during my procedure?

  
- Yeah.
- What?

  
- No.
- You said "yes" first.

  
"No" is what I ended with.
"Yes, no" means no.

  
Did anything unusual happen
during my procedure?

  
- And if so...
- Can you hold on one...

  
Can you hold on a second?

  
Yeah, it's me.

  
Can you stop what you're doing
and come down here right away?

  
It's that thing that we talked about.

  
Yeah, well, you told me to call you
if it came back, and it came back, so...

  
Okay.

  
What was that? What's the thing?
You told someone the thing came back.

  
I have a rash on my back.
It came back, so I had to call my doctor.

  
You... Miss!

  
- Yes?
- Me!

  
- What the... What?
- Can you...

  
- Can I... Yes.
- Follow you?

  
- To the...
- To my office.

  
- And then you'll tell me.
- Yeah.

  
What?

  
Did anything unusual... What?

  
Jesus Christ! Sorry, I wasn't...

  
We have a meeting in a couple minutes,
so we just have to be quick.

  
Did anything unusual happen
during my procedure? What's he...

  
Can you please define "unusual"?

  
Out of the ordinary,
bizarre, unanticipated.

  
No, this went well.

  
- It was good. Okay, normal.
- Right.

  
Yes, good. Well, the cessation maybe,

  
- but after that, you responded...
- The cessation of what?

  
Dr. Pincus, I really...
I don't need to tell you that

  
every medical procedure
doesn't follow the same path.

  
- Everyone's different.
- Yeah.

  
There are subtle variations
in even the simplest surgical...

  
What would a subtle variation be
in my case, for example?

  
- Well, one doesn't wish to use jargon.
- No.

  
- But, you know, technically...
- Yep.

  
...medically, it's beginning...

  
Okay. Yeah.

  
- You died.
- I died?

  
- Little bit.
- For how long?

  
- Seven minutes.
- A bit less.

  
I died for seven minutes.

  
- A bit less.
- Approximately seven...

  
That's really the only thing
that I can think of...

  
How did I die?

  
For the record, we did not recommend
that you use the general anesthesia.

  
When you use anesthesia,
there is a chance, although it is small,

  
of a biochemical anomaly.

  
Where's the anesthesiologist?
I want to see him now.

  
He does not work here anymore.

  
You'll be happy to know
that at Saint Victor's,

  
we have a very strict
three-strikes policy.

  
My anesthesiologist had two strikes?

  
Okay, let's all calm down.

  
Let's just not overdramatize
the situation.

  
Why is he calming down?

  
Everybody dies.

  
Yeah, but usually at the end of their life,
and just the once and forever.

  
Everybody's different.

  
And you weren't even gonna tell me.

  
- No, we did tell you. We told you...
- No, you didn't.

  
We told you that night.
We gave you the full report.

  
- No, I don't remember that.
- Yes. Yeah, we...

  
It says here that you gurgled to me

  
before you rolled your eyes back
in your head, a little bit.

  
Have you any idea
how much I'm gonna sue you for?

  
- Nothing, I'm afraid.
- He's perked up. Go on.

  
You signed a general release
and a quitclaim form,

  
relieving your surgeon,
your anesthesiologist,

  
Saint Victor's Hospital and Cooperative
Institutional Health Partners

  
from any liability related

  
to your anesthetic-induced cessation
of heart function.

  
I definitely did not.

  
- Is this your signature at the bottom?
- When did I sign that?

  
Right after you passed
the post-operative responsiveness test,

  
legally mandated
by the state of New York.

  
Obviously I didn't know
what I was doing!

  
You knew enough to sign your name.

  
I dotted the "i" with a little love heart!

  
You were happy to be alive, right?

  
Now, about these hallucinations.
What are you seeing?

  
People.

  
Hey, got a sec?

  
Never get used to that.
You're the guy, huh?

  
No. I'm not the guy.
It's another guy. Go away.

  
Real quick, got to hit you up for a favor.

  
No, no, no, no.
No, he's still there. Unbelievable.

  
- Thank you!
- Good, excellent. Thank you!

  
Hey. Wait a minute. Wait, what?

  
- Drive!
- No, no, no.

  
- Where to, buddy?
- Don't do that!

  
You're a busy little guy.
Let me get right to the point.

  
That woman whose cab
you just snaked, that's my wife.

  
- That's perfect.
- My widow.

  
She's got a very serious problem.
I need your help to fix it.

  
- Where do you want to go, pal?
- Tell him 54th and Madison.

  
I don't want to go to 54th and Madison!

  
Okay, that narrows it down.

  
I don't want a Sapphire martini
up with olives.

  
Okay, that narrows it down.

  
Yeah, you're making kind of a fool
out of yourself.

  
You can't talk to me
when somebody's standing there.

  
- Campari and soda.
- Campari soda.

  
No.

  
- Pimm's Cup.
- Pimm's Cup.

  
Pimm's Cup? Pimm's?

  
- Just get a real drink.
- Shut the fuck up!

  
Okay! Sorry.

  
Can I have the first thing I said?

  
Sapphire martini up with olives.

  
- Shut up.
- Wow. You need to adjust, right?

  
No, it's okay, it's okay.

  
It's okay.
You need a little time to adjust. I get it.

  
I haven't done jack in 14 months.

  
- I've been here, believe me, I can wait...
- I died today!

  
What do you mean?

  
- I was dead. For seven minutes.
- Yeah?

  
And then when they brought me back,
I can...

  
Yeah, well, look, that's the thing.
New York is lousy with ghosts.

  
I mean, they're everywhere,

  
and they're a noisy,
pushy, demanding bunch,

  
same as when they were alive,
and frustrated, too.

  
The dead have
a lot of unfinished business,

  
which is why we're still here.

  
And normally, we can't talk to the living

  
and, suddenly, you come along,
and you can imagine.

  
A lot of excitement.

  
Why are you dressed like that?
Were you a ma¤´tre d'?

  
- I'm gonna ignore that, okay?
- You shouldn't.

  
You wear what you died in.
At least I look nice.

  
- Sapphire martini up with olives.
- Thank you.

  
- Drink your drink.
- I'm gonna drink my drink.

  
- All right.
- Just shut up.

  
Aesthetically pleasing.

  
Am I still dead? I'm still dead, aren't I?

  
This is heaven.
Can't be heaven, you wouldn't be here.

  
I'm lying on the operating table,
they're gonna bring me around, and...

  
It's all gonna be a dream.

  
Yeah. Don't overthink it.
You were gone, now you're back.

  
Have a drink. Have another one.
God knows I would if I could.

  
- You can take your BlackBerry with you?
- I guess.

  
What, have you got a signal?

  
- Not yet, but I keep trying.
- Not yet.

  
Thank goodness
I downloaded Tetris before I went.

  
Damn it! How'd you die?

  
Something went wrong
with the anesthetic.

  
I went in for a colonoscopy
and it went all...

  
Yeah, I never got one of those.

  
I don't think
you have to worry about it now.

  
- What kind of anesthetic did they use?
- They didn't want to use any.

  
- What?
- Yeah.

  
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

  
- Expected me...
- What about your ass feelings?

  
Don't actually say "ass feelings. "
I knew what you meant with that.

  
- If we're gonna be hanging out, I just...
- We're not gonna be hanging out!

  
May I ask you a question, young man?

  
It's about my daughter.
She lives in Far Rockaway.

  
- She won't speak to her sister...
- Back off, Marjorie!

  
All right? I'm talking to him.
Whatever you do, don't talk to them.

  
I certainly see no harm
in making a request of the young man.

  
How about the fact
that I found him first?

  
Look what you did. You upset him.
No, no, you, you, you, you, you.

  
Yeah, very good. I know you're there.

  
Let's start over, huh? Come on.

  
You had a rough day.
You're tense, you're keyed up.

  
You do yoga? You do yoga?

  
My girlfriend's got a studio.
I'll show you where it is.

  
Girlfriend?
I thought you said you were married.

  
Did I say I was a perfect person?

  
- Come on, let's hail a cab. She's hot.
- You don't exist, okay?

  
You're the bizarre aftereffects
of some poorly-administered anesthetic.

  
I'm gonna go home to bed,
and when I wake up in the morning,

  
with any luck, you'll be gone.

  
That would be truly rotten luck
for my wife

  
who just needs a little bit of your help.

  
- If you would come through for me...
- I'm not listening anymore.

  
Hey, I don't want to play hardball
with you, but I will if I have to.

  
- It's Pink-Ass, right?
- Pincus.

  
Pincus? Pincus?
This is a matter of life or death.

  
- It's my wife, okay? She lives right...
- Widow.

  
She lives right here in this building,
all right?

  
She's getting married
in a couple of months

  
to a real scumbag lawyer,
a bad, bad guy.

  
Somebody's got to stop this.

  
What do you care?
You were having an affair.

  
Never been married, right? Okay.
You need time.

  
- It's all right, I can take a hint.
- It's not a hint.

  
- Good evening, Dr. Pincus.
- Just go to hell.

  
- What?
- Is this a bad time?

  
My letter went under the carpet.

  
He lost something important,
and I know where it is.

  
She won't wear a helmet
because of me, but that's nuts!

  
Gee, I'm sorry, Doctor,

  
did I accidentally give everybody
your home address?

  
If you don't help her, she won't...

  
I got to tell you, nobody was
more excited than Naked Guy. He's...

  
Leave me alone.

  
- Dr. Pincus?
- Back off!

  
- Sorry?
- Oh, sorry. Never mind.

  
- Bless you.
- Oh, God. Thank you.

  
- Bless you.
- Thank you.

  
- Bless you.
- Stop it.

  
If I sneeze again, I'll assume...
Thank you. Just...

  
I'm not very well. It's not you.
It's a bit you.

  
Mainly... You can't... But you're adding.

  
Don't you see, Pincus,
there's a reason I'm here and this is it.

  
I mean, this slimeball, he's using Gwen,
trying to get his hands on her money.

  
I left her a good chunk of change,
you know.

  
- My head. It's throbbing.
- I'm like her guardian angel.

  
You can be
the guardian angel's assistant.

  
- Pass.
- What?

  
You don't want to help me
earn my wings?

  
I don't care.

  
- You don't want to at least help Gwen?
- She's beyond help, okay?

  
She chose you, didn't she?

  
And now she's got a new slimeball,
and if that doesn't work out,

  
I'm sure another Mr. Wrong
will come along,

  
'cause that seems to be her thing.

  
Now, leave me alone.

  
I've got a crown at 8:00 a. m.

  
I see! I understand, I get it.

  
- What? What do you get?
- You. Just this whole self-loathing thing.

  
- No, it's you I loathe.
- Oh, please.

  
Frankie spent some time on the couch.

  
You know, dentists have
one of the highest suicide rates

  
of any other profession.

  
But this might really give you a chance

  
- to connect with another human being...
- Shut up. Shut up!

  
Okay? Don't you understand?
I don't give a shit! I like what I do.

  
Do you know why? It suits me.

  
Because 90%% % of the people
I come into contact with

  
have cotton wool
shoved in their mouths.

  
I'm not interested
in their political opinions.

  
I don't care
what they thought of Spamalot.

  
I don't care about their lives.
I just like the quiet!

  
You are a sad little man.

  
- And you're a lying, bigamist corpse.
- No, no, I'm not a bigamist.

  
I'm an adulterer.
It's a whole different thing.

  
Sorry, my mistake.
You were a real catch.

  
Come on. You don't think
I'm gonna find you in a hotel?

  
This is crazy, all right?

  
You want your quiet life back?
I'll make you a deal. Okay?

  
I'll talk to them for you,
get them to leave you alone.

  
I'm good at talking people into things.
It's what I do.

  
Did.

  
Look, you do this one thing for me,

  
you'll never see any of us
ever again, okay?

  
Problem solved.

  
Yeah, okay.

  
The mummy's been examined
by virologists,

  
oncologists, forensic pathologists,

  
searching for signs of foul play,

  
but Pepi the Third's cause of death
at the relatively young age of 
  
still remains a mystery.

  
It can't be that hard
to break up a relationship.

  
I used to screw
these things up all the time.

  
Maybe we ought to just hire a broad to
seduce him and videotape it, you know?

  
That woman lives in my building?

  
Or we send her an anonymous letter
from his other family.

  
- I've never seen her before.
- One of those things?

  
- You stole her cab, remember?
- I've never noticed her, then.

  
Never noticed her?
Open your eyes, man.

  
What are you, a brain in a jar?

  
Okay.
I want to hear what she's got to say.

  
- Really?
- Yes.

  
And the grand manner in which
Mummy 1999.1.4 was preserved

  
also suggests that he was embalmed
by royal mummifiers,

  
as opposed to
curbside-marketplace perverts...

  
Preservists.

  
That's awkward.

  
I suppose
the simplest way to break it up

  
would be to plant a seed of doubt
in her mind.

  
- Give her another option.
- I don't get it.

  
- Present her with an alternative.
- Yeah, yeah, I thought of that.

  
You mean hire
a good-looking male model...

  
Don't hire anyone. Don't...
No, don't need...

  
- Don't need a male model or a fireman.
- Somebody handsome, right?

  
Not too handsome. Not chiseled,
just approachable. Sort of...

  
'Cause I was thinking, like,
rugged and somebody tough.

  
...round-faced, if anything and sensitive.

  
Well, he's gonna have to have
a lot of cash, though.

  
If he's sensible with his money,

  
he's probably invested well,
and that would be attractive.

  
- Really?
- Yeah.

  
- She might like that.
- Yeah.

  
But he's gonna have to be tall.
Tall is important.

  
No, no, no, no, no, he's not.
No, no. Average.

  
- Really?
- Yeah. Bordering on the short.

  
Oh, my word, you mean you.

  
- I'm... Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Forget it.

  
Don't walk away mad!
Come here! Pink-Ass!

  
I would like to elaborate further on
Mummy 1999.1.4's burial site. Here...

  
- I'm sorry.
- Forget it.

  
That's okay. I mean, a lot of great ideas
sound completely ridiculous at first.

  
Sorry I even brought it up.

  
I'm still thinking about it.
You know, it might work.

  
I mean, all you're gonna have to do
is be charming enough

  
to give her a few second thoughts,
you know?

  
Be a challenge.

  
Almost impossible.

  
But I'd be there, you know?
Pulling the strings.

  
Guy in the bushes calling the plays.
You know, I think I can do it.

  
- Really. I can do this. I can do it.
- Forget it.

  
No, no, no, you're not...
You're not married, are you?

  
- Good God, no.
- No? You got a girlfriend?

  
No, just between us, currently.

  
- So you use hookers.
- No, I don't use hookers.

  
We've also conducted
extensive CT scans

  
to search for orthopedic trauma,
which may have led to infection,

  
as you may remember was the case
with Tutankhamen

  
as shown here on slide 43.

  
Nope, nope, you know what?

  
It's possible
that she could actually go for you.

  
I mean, she likes athletic guys.
I mean, you work out or...

  
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

  
- Twice a week. Free weights.
- Okay. All right.

  
- You got a nice, thick head of hair.
- Protein shampoo.

  
- She's gonna like that.
- Yeah.

  
- Look after your scalp.
- Right.

  
All we got to do is find a way
to get you two together, you know?

  
At her apartment, you show up as
the cable guy or innocent pizza boy or...

  
- You watch a lot of porn, don't you?
- No.

  
I was inclined to regard this injury
as the result of attempts by plunderers

  
to hastily remove
the wrappings from the mummy.

  
I tell you what I'm gonna do.

  
I'm gonna go over there
when she's finished,

  
and strike up a conversation with her.

  
- Yeah.
- I know.

  
- What?
- I don't know.

  
I'm just thinking,
in the smock, better not.

  
- Yes. I came straight from work.
- Okay.

  
- I'm a dentist. This is what we wear.
- Yeah. Yeah.

  
- This is how we do it, baby.
- Okay.

  
And remember that the show officially
opens on Friday, the 12th.

  
Thank you,
thank you very much for coming.

  
You know, it's an interesting story.
My daughter went to Egypt.

  
- Oh, really? Did she?
- Oh, yeah.

  
Good, all right.

  
I owe you an apology.

  
Do you mean for stealing my cab
or for not holding the elevator?

  
- Don't remember the second one.
- Oh, no, no. I know.

  
Maybe it was for that time that

  
you told the super that
somebody down on nine was cooking

  
stenchy ethnic food
that stings the eyes?

  
- Was that you?
- It was tacos.

  
They told me that any complaints
would be kept anonymous.

  
Or, you know, maybe it was for
the eight or ten times that I said,

  
"Hello," or "Good morning" or whatever,
and you never even looked at me.

  
I'm a very private person.

  
What you are is a little bit of a jerk.

  
- Bertram Pincus, D.D.S.
- So I've read.

  
- I enjoyed your lecture very much.
- Thank you.

  
- Don't take the walk-outs personally.
- I hadn't noticed.

  
But, you know,
thank you for that encouragement.

  
Quite a few, quite a few.
What do they know?

  
- Atrocious dental hygiene.
- I'm sorry?

  
Your mummy. 1999.1.4.

  
He was no flosser.

  
Dental humor.

  
Is there something else?

  
Shoes. Your shoes are comfortable.

  
Bye.

  
I knew you were gonna come off scary.

  
I wasn't scary.
I caught her at a bad time.

  
- Right, and it scared her.
- I'm not scary!

  
Don't make eye contact.

  
Let me... No, no, no.
Let me preface this.

  
- What the hell is your problem?
- I don't have a problem.

  
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
- No, no.

  
You got a big problem.
Big problem with women.

  
No, I take it back.
You got a problem with people.

  
- Yeah, they suck.
- Would you quit banging that drum?

  
What's the drama? Some big, bad lady
went and broke your heart?

  
Well, get over it. It's in the past.

  
You know nothing about my past,
do you?

  
I know you got to forget about this
and let it go.

  
It's not helping you out there.

  
Listen, the thing with women
is that they...

  
I do fine with women.
Thanks very much.

  
You know, for the sake of time,
I'm gonna agree with that insane point,

  
and say, "Yeah, you do great
with women. You do great. "

  
But you stink with this one.
So we got work to do.

  
And she likes a man who's a man.

  
She likes you to order for her
in a restaurant. And don't get bossy!

  
Don't ever tell her
to take it easy, Pincus.

  
- This will make her absolutely nuts.
- Yeah.

  
I do know how to talk to people.

  
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you got a gift, don't you? Yeah.

  
Once you're with her,
you got to show her you care.

  
You got to be jealous,
got to be suspicious.

  
Why on earth would I do that?

  
'Cause it shows you're interested.

  
This is the worst advice
I've ever had in my life.

  
But she's jealous, too,
and she's no dummy.

  
She thinks you're lying, she'll raise
one eyebrow and cock her head.

  
I call it her pirate look.
Rattles the hell out of you.

  
- Hi.
- I'm gonna get the next one.

  
Don't be silly. Get in here.

  
I don't want to... Okay.

  
Pincus.

  
Okay, just don't say anything.
No, no, no, no, no, you're not ready.

  
You're not ready.
Just ride in silence, okay?

  
Don't do this. And get that face off.
You're not... Don't do it!

  
I've been thinking
about your decaying jawbone.

  
Pitting is what I'm talking.

  
Saw it on the slideshow,

  
which would indicate to me,
a trained dentist, some bone loss,

  
and on the upper left
mandibular gum line.

  
The mummy.

  
Open invitation to a little vitis
called "Gingi. "

  
Gingivitis?

  
More dental humor.
This time bone-based, but essentially...

  
Check out the mandibular bone loss,
if I...

  
But wouldn't that just be
ordinary wear and tear?

  
Not if it's only on one side, you idiot.

  
I don't think so.

  
How do the ladies resist
that rap of yours?

  
All right, all right. Not a total disaster.

  
Next time, you just got to listen
to what it is that I'm saying.

  
Excuse me?

  
Do you think maybe you could come by
someday and maybe examine him?

  
Let's have a look, shall we?

  
- Okay.
- Okay.

  
No, today's out, tomorrow is out. That.

  
Cannot move that. Cannot move that.
That is set in stone.

  
And that little puppy
is hunkered in good.

  
Hunkerty, dunkerty, dock.

  
I don't want to move that,
but I can't do that, either.

  
Busy bee.

  
- It's okay.
- It seems to me, I think, commitments

  
abound.

  
Pack 'em in, move 'em out, Rawhide.
No way is that gonna...

  
- For the love of God!
- 4:00 Thursday seems totally free, so...

  
- Great. Okay.
- Good. See you then.

  
Way to go, Frank. Oh, God.

  
Oh, thank God you're back.

  
You left the newspaper
on a cell phone ad, you sadist!

  
- I'm sorry.
- No, forget it.

  
I'm not in the mood anymore.

  
Where have you been?

  
I sit around here all day long,
and you're out God knows where.

  
You meet interesting people.
You have a career.

  
Hey, is that a new shirt?

  
Hey, it is a new shirt,
and it's got sleeves.

  
Well, well, well. Pinky's got himself
a brand new shirt for the big...

  
Hi. Hi.

  
Yeah, it's my yacht, yeah.

  
Quite the little heartbreaker, huh?

  
You should have seen the state
he was in when we found him.

  
Blackened skin, multiple fractures
from extensive marauding,

  
fully retreated lips.

  
Five thousand years of acid reflux
will do that to you.

  
Deep down, you know, the preservation
was exquisite New Kingdom work,

  
and it's what's underneath that counts.

  
First, they suctioned his brain out
through his nose.

  
And then they make a slit
in the side of the abdomen,

  
so that they can remove
the stomach, liver, intestines...

  
Beautiful.

  
...so that they could be separately
preserved in Canopic jars.

  
But what's really exciting about Pepi is
how they handled his organ.

  
- His organ?
- Yeah, his dick.

  
I got it right here. You wanna see it?

  
Please.

  
There's nothing unusual
about the phallus itself.

  
- Sure.
- It's the way it was stored.

  
You know, normally, the penis
and the heart are kept together

  
and mummified along with the body,

  
but in Pepi's case,

  
they removed it and preserved it
in this separate gold-encrusted jar.

  
God. I can see why he was king.

  
- You okay?
- Yeah.

  
I've got to get used to looking down
at a shriveled, old penis, eventually.

  
Oh, geez. I see he died happy.

  
That's it. That's enough.

  
He must have had huge hands.

  
- No, no.
- Yeah.

  
Is this here the pitting
that you were referring to?

  
Yeah.
Here, here, and look, really bad there.

  
We just assumed
that was post-mortal decay.

  
Don't be naive.

  
That is the work
of an untreated abscess.

  
That was a absolute magic carpet
of bacterial infection.

  
And that could have killed him?

  
Yeah, if it was severe, that would
have led to something more systemic,

  
and as soon as the infection
hit the spinal column,

  
he'd have pennies on his eyes
in no time at all.

  
Well, the mouth. A coin in the mouth.

  
It was a Greek tradition, you know,

  
to pay the boatman to ferry you across
the River Styx, but...

  
I mean,
this is an amazing breakthrough,

  
and just in time
for our opening next Thursday.

  
- Hey, will you come?
- What?

  
- Big opening with loads of people...
- Yeah.

  
- No. That's...
- You don't like crowds?

  
It's not so much the crowd as
the individuals in the crowd I don't like.

  
Well, if you change your mind,
you let me know.

  
Just seems so obvious now.
Why didn't I call a dentist sooner?

  
Everybody waits until it's too late.

  
So you're a funny dentist.

  
You wanna touch him?

  
- This is my lucky day.
- Yeah.

  
- No, no. Really, really touch him. Yeah.
- More, yeah.

  
- No, like...
- Down there.

  
- Isn't that amazing?
- Wow. Brilliant.

  
Don't you just love that smell?

  
It's not decay. It's the resin. It's pine.

  
- They imported it from North Africa.
- Oh, good.

  
After a couple of hours,
the smell that was initially so sweet,

  
it triggers your vomit impulse.

  
Like visiting your grandmother.

  
Sugar-free treat?

  
Sure. Okay.

  
It's sweetened with Splenda.

  
Surprisingly delightful.

  
- Have you lived in the building long?
- Four years and one month.

  
Originally born and raised in England,
obviously, and then...

  
- Why'd you move?
- London. Just too much.

  
Overcrowded, just no privacy.
Just too many people.

  
So you picked Manhattan?

  
The reasoning is a little bit convoluted.
It's difficult to explain.

  
- What's her name?
- Sarah.

  
- Wife?
- No.

  
- Girlfriend?
- Yeah.

  
Still together?

  
Possibly.
I haven't spoken to her for years.

  
No, she died, actually. Quite sad.

  
She had a rare condition.
Have you heard of auto-cannibalism?

  
She actually ate herself.

  
I made that up. I was joking.

  
- But that's not funny.
- Funnier than the truth.

  
- Okay, and the truth about Sarah is...
- Very boring and ordinary.

  
How long you been here?

  
Can you just hold on one second?

  
This is so stupid,
but my keychain broke,

  
and I can never find my keys.

  
I moved back to the city about
a year ago, just after my husband died.

  
You lost your husband?
I'm sorry to hear that.

  
Thanks.

  
I want to ask you something,
and you tell me if it's inappropriate.

  
Okay.

  
Okay.

  
This tooth.

  
It kills whenever I drink anything cold.
I mean, it's just...

  
- Should I make an appointment?
- No, just warm the drinks up.

  
Let's have a look.
Head back. Open wide.

  
You want me to say, "Ah"?

  
Hey, Dentist!

  
I need you to clip a guy for me.

  
- Can you tell what it is?
- It's bad molar contact.

  
You see, Dentist, in life,

  
I accepted payment for a job
which I wasn't able to complete.

  
Bad molar contact?
I mean, is it really very serious?

  
- You should come and see me.
- Should I?

  
- You have to finish it for me.
- Yeah.

  
There's a.38 snub-nose taped
under the seat of my mother's Cadillac.

  
You just give him two in the head.
Leave the gun on the floor.

  
- Maybe I will.
- Okay.

  
- What the...
- Is now a good time?

  
Is everything okay?

  
- Yeah, it's just the...
- 'Cause you look a little... Oh, geez.

  
Oh, no, don't... Careful.

  
Look, right in the ear nearly.

  
It's just... I saw you talking to
Irish Eddie and I figured, you know...

  
Hi, there. Hey!

  
Good. Another one.

  
- Hey, honey.
- Oh, hey! I didn't see you.

  
- Hi.
- Oh, alive.

  
Why did this fellow have his hands
in your mouth?

  
Sorry, Dr. Pincus, this is Richard,
my fiancÚ.

  
Richard, this is Dr. Pincus,

  
that dentist that I told you about
in the building.

  
I think he's got a really terrific idea
about what might have killed Pepi.

  
Really? That's fantastic.

  
You know, I've been needing
to find a dentist, myself.

  
Why don't you join us for dinner
tomorrow night, Doctor? At Gwen's.

  
I'm making curry.

  
- She's really cute.
- Don't...

  
- Doctor?
- Yes, love to.

  
- Great.
- I'm in 9F, right below you.

  
Thank you.

  
- I hope it was edible.
- Best curry I've ever tasted.

  
- Stop complimenting him!
- You're too kind.

  
- Where did you learn to cook?
- Idiot Boy, you're making him look good.

  
I had a friend
who was generous with her time.

  
Richard's being modest.

  
He worked for three years
with homeless prostitutes in Bengal.

  
You still in the sex trade or...

  
That's inappropriate.

  
You know, Doctor,

  
I confess an ulterior motive
in asking you here tonight.

  
As a dentist,

  
you could do an awful lot of good
in the developing world.

  
They're in desperate need
of modern dental care.

  
"Modern dental care. "
You believe this guy?

  
Now, the political will is there,
the money's there.

  
What an act. So pompous!

  
- Sorry. What is that?
- My new puppy.

  
NGOs are being supported.
Record levels.

  
- I need you to punch him.
- But what we really need...

  
- Come on!
... are boots on the ground.

  
Kick his self-righteous teeth in!

  
How can teeth be self-righteous?

  
Is a strange thing for a dentist
to burst out with over curry,

  
but, you know, it needs to be...
I mean, I know the answer.

  
Well, I'll tell you, they can't.

  
What is essentially dentin and enamel

  
outcrops from various mandibles
are inanimate,

  
and therefore, have no moral code.

  
All they can do is chew and grind,
and that's passive.

  
It's mainly
the cheek muscles do that, from...

  
What were you saying?

  
I was... I was... I was saying, we need...

  
We need people like you
who can bring their expertise to bear

  
in places like Peru,
Cambodia, sub-Saharan Africa.

  
Mainly those sort of really hot,
sticky places.

  
I mean, I'm just not a humidy person.

  
I mean, what is the dental care like in,
say, I don't know, Palm Springs?

  
There's breezes.

  
You know,
what are the teeth like in Saint-Tropez?

  
I mean, I could do veneers.
Oh, they love to smile, the French.

  
Shrugging and smiling.

  
He's kidding, sweetie.

  
I'm sorry, I have to take this.

  
Boy, he'd be handy
on a camping trip, huh?

  
Do you want some more wine?

  
- That tent pole stuck up his ass.
- Please.

  
Okay.

  
Well, that is perfectly unacceptable.

  
- Shut...
- What?

  
What?
Am I throwing you off your game?

  
If I am, just give me a fake cough
and I'll...

  
Okay, was that...

  
Was that a coincidence?
Okay, okay! I'm gone.

  
Richard's a human rights lawyer,
so, well, he takes his job very seriously.

  
Oh, well, so you should
with human rights.

  
I take human rights seriously.

  
You know, everybody's equal,
color, creed or circumstance.

  
We're all the same on this planet.

  
- Except the Chinese.
- What?

  
No, they are. They're the odd ones out
if you had to pick one.

  
No, I'm not having a go.

  
I'm just saying, you know,
not their faces.

  
I mean... No, no.
But they call each other

  
- things like Kwok...
- Stop it. You're gonna...

  
...and that's their choice,
and they don't have to call a kid Kwok.

  
And they... No.
Some people are called Pong...

  
- Stop, please, stop.
... and there's about a million Wangs.

  
You can have... You have one kid,

  
you can use all those names
on one little...

  
You could call a kid Kwok Pong Wang.

  
Ming Wa Men and Ho Lee Park
have been arrested in Shaolin.

  
I have to get down to the office.

  
Well, they're being arraigned
in 30 minutes

  
- and the government will only allow...
- Not again.

  
...their attorneys to appear
by closed-circuit.

  
- I'm sorry.
- I'm afraid I have to go.

  
Doctor, it's been a...

  
Yeah, so you guys stay
and have fun and finish up.

  
Oh, gosh, poor Leonard.
Do you mind if I let him out?

  
- No, not at all.
- Okay, be right back.

  
When did you get your horse?

  
A couple of months ago.

  
I found him at this shelter
in Long Island.

  
They were gonna put him down.

  
Then they lost their nerve, did they?

  
The smell? Yeah, I know.

  
His mood levelers give him
this ulcerating skin rash.

  
Are you okay?

  
Got a very sensitive gag reflex.

  
Oh, dear.
And the mixture of that and that.

  
- Are you all right? Do you want to...
- Sorry.

  
You know what?
I think he needs to go out.

  
Do you want to maybe walk him now
or we could finish up and...

  
Now is good, yeah.
Get some air with some oxygen in it.

  
Leonard, you good boy!

  
That is so healthy!

  
Good, good boy! That's a good boy!

  
That's a good boy!

  
You wanna finish dinner?

  
I don't think I'm quite ready for
solid foods just yet.

  
- I'll have a drink, though.
- Sure.

  
There's...
Bemelmans is just around the corner.

  
Or, no, have you ever been
to that new...

  
I know, yeah. No, I like Sting

  
because you can hear
he's educated in his lyrics.

  
- Pimm's Cup for the lady.
- Thank you.

  
And a Sapphire martini up with olives.

  
Thank you.

  
You know,
that was Frank's favorite drink.

  
Oh, yeah, I forgot. Sorry.

  
You forgot?

  
You forgot what?

  
Forgot? Yeah.

  
You recently lost your husband,

  
and the polite thing to do
in this situation

  
would have been to check
what the deceased's drink was

  
as not to evoke any horrible memories.

  
Why would you assume
that they were horrible?

  
Painful. Not necessarily horrible.

  
Just all the memories, nonetheless,
of drink-related death memory.

  
I like a Pimm's Cup.

  
This is exactly the kind of girly drink
that Frank would have teased me about.

  
Once when we were in Anguilla,
I ordered a Screaming Orgasm.

  
And then...
So Frank goes up to the waiter,

  
and he grabs him
by the lapels and he goes,

  
"Hey, I'm the only one giving... "

  
Oh, for God's sake!

  
Sorry. Just running
on about my dead husband.

  
No, no, no, it wasn't you. No, no.
I've just seen someone I hate. It's...

  
Oh, that's sweet.
They never get over Frankie.

  
- Someone I really hate.
- Well, do you wanna leave?

  
No, no, no. He should leave.

  
Let's do some... You were saying that
Frank had his flaws.

  
- I was?
- Yeah, and that's really healthy

  
because you should not
romanticize the dead.

  
You should remember their faults.

  
Oh, well, I remember them.

  
Oh, good. Well, let's make a list.

  
What the hell do you think you're doing?

  
This is therapeutic, actually.
You can trust me. I'm a dentist.

  
- Come on, then.
- Okay.

  
His faults. Number one.

  
Well, Frank could be a little controlling.

  
Well, that's what made me successful.

  
But that's probably why
he was so good at his job, so...

  
No, no, don't apologize for him.
If he was obnoxious, say so.

  
Okay, he was occasionally obnoxious.

  
Regularly, I imagine.

  
- No, no, no, you walked her into that.
- "Obnoxious. "

  
That didn't count, Pincus.

  
Hey, what are you doing, Marjorie?
You rubbernecking?

  
Oh, be quiet! Let them talk.
You could learn something.

  
He had a shoe fetish.

  
That is so embarrassing,
because it starts on shoes,

  
and go to gloves
and hats and socks, up the...

  
Right. "Pervert. "

  
And he was rude to waiters.
And I hate that.

  
- So do I.
- You mind?

  
Because they're just doing a job,
aren't they?

  
What a nasty piece of work.

  
So what about
his physical characteristics?

  
I'll bet he was really into fitness,

  
because he was
a scrawny little runt, was he?

  
No, but, you know,
he was actually starting

  
to get into yoga at the end there.

  
- I'll bet he was.
- But he spent a lot of time at the gym.

  
Yeah. Okay, this is shaping up nicely.

  
So now we've got
a narcissistic, obnoxious pervert

  
who's rude to waiters.

  
It's a good list.

  
I don't have to listen to this shit.

  
Disloyal.

  
Yeah, I think that's enough.

  
I didn't know you knew.

  
I didn't find out until the day he died.
Can you imagine?

  
I didn't get the chance to say,
"Hey, go to hell,"

  
you know, "I want a divorce,"
like a normal person.

  
Well, I'm sorry. I...

  
- That must feel...
- Unfinished.

  
She used to travel
a lot for her work, Sarah.

  
And the trips got longer and longer.

  
And then one trip,
she didn't come back at all.

  
Married a man in Portland.

  
Sorry.

  
Travel will do that to a relationship.

  
Yep.

  
I just got this amazing offer
to go map tombs

  
in the Valley of the Kings for six months.

  
But I think I'm gonna say no this time.

  
Because of Richard.

  
Yeah.

  
- Good night.
- Good night.

  
Your story, it's not boring
and ordinary, by the way.

  
I mean, we just get the one life,
you know?

  
Just one. You can't live someone else's
or think it's more important,

  
just because it's more dramatic.

  
What happens matters.

  
Maybe only to us, but it matters.

  
Good night.

  
Good night.

  
What?

  
What's with the doom and gloom?
It's going good.

  
You're weaseling your way
right in there.

  
This is gonna work.

  
This Richard fellow, I just...
I think Gwen really loves him.

  
You know he's a human rights lawyer.

  
Hey, when the devil shows up,

  
you think he's gonna have
little red horns and carry a pitchfork?

  
No, he's gonna work for
Amnesty International,

  
and he's gonna give
all of his money to the homeless.

  
Well, if he did all that,
wouldn't he lose the title "the devil"?

  
You know what I mean.

  
Pincus, I got better things
to do with my time.

  
I wouldn't just be hanging out here.

  
What, exactly,
is your problem with Richard?

  
I told you!

  
The guy is setting her up
to rob her blind.

  
And what proof have you got? I don't...

  
What are you basing this on?

  
I saw things with my own two eyes.

  
- Saw what?
- Just enough to know.

  
Come on. What did he do?

  
Well, that's... He's...

  
Okay, all right, fine.
They're out at a restaurant, okay?

  
- Yeah.
- And they're eating.

  
- Yeah.
- And the check came,

  
and this clown says
that his wallet is in his coat.

  
It's over at the coat check.

  
- How convenient, right?
- Right.

  
So he goes over to go get it,

  
makes a big show
about the whole thing, too,

  
and she says, "No, no, let me get this. "

  
- Yeah?
- And he accepted.

  
There's nothing
wrong with him, is there?

  
No, no, don't you see?
He showed his true colors.

  
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

  
Listen, he's a perfectly
lovely human being.

  
Pincus, there are other things!

  
- He took five grand from her.
- He what?

  
Yeah. $5,000.

  
I saw her write the check
with my own two eyes,

  
put it right in his sweaty little fist.
It was...

  
For charity.
He was fundraising, wasn't he?

  
Or shaking the money tree,
see what drops.

  
- I don't know.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

  
- What was it, AIDS?
- No.

  
Refugees?

  
Orphans? Orphans. Good.

  
- You're missing the point.
- Yeah.

  
- You really are. This guy, he's a lawyer.
- Yeah.

  
A lawyer who fights to protect the rights
of the underprivileged. Come on!

  
There must be
something wrong with him.

  
There must be some reason
why all this is happening.

  
Otherwise, what am I doing here?

  
I'm out.

  
What? No, no. What do you mean?

  
I mean, I'm not gonna interfere
with Gwen's life anymore.

  
And I can't lie to her.

  
You were right about the pirate look.
She threw that at me,

  
and I nearly confessed
to everything there and then.

  
You can't abandon her to this creep.

  
- She loves him.
- She doesn't love him!

  
I haven't seen her laugh
once with this guy!

  
He's a good man.

  
You actually like him,
with his whole Mother Teresa schtick?

  
I hate him. Okay?

  
I want to run him over
with his own little stupid, electric car.

  
But he's what Gwen wants.

  
And after what
she's been through with you,

  
she deserves a bit of happiness.

  
You're in love with her.

  
You are. I knew it.

  
That little Grinch heart of yours
actually started beating,

  
and now you want to take it back
to your cave and crush it with a rock.

  
That's what you wanna do.

  
- I quit.
- You can't quit.

  
I'll make your life a living hell.

  
It already is.

  
There you go. That's such a good boy.
Such a good boy.

  
Leonard, Leonard, open, open.

  
Come on. Come on, sweetie. Come on.

  
Leonard, Leonard, Leonard.
Don't be a jerk. Come on.

  
God damn it. Come on. Come on.

  
You don't wanna wait until
it's too late, do you, sweetie?

  
Wait.

  
Leonard! It is too late.

  
Too late.

  
And so Alex says to me,

  
"Mommy, I know that babies come
from inside a lady's tummy,

  
"but what I really want to know is,
how do they get there?"

  
Can you believe? And, of course,

  
- I have no clue what to say...
- Head back.

  
...but I have to come up with something,
because his father...

  
Oh, no talking,
not when we're popping this in.

  
- Okay.
- Bite down there.

  
There you go. Good.

  
Just leave that there.

  
Isn't that good? So much better.

  
You're resting your jaw, and I'm resting
my ears and we're all winners.

  
Can you get these over to the lab?
A little rush job.

  
Mr. Harriman's bridge
is on the verge of...

  
I thought I was through
for the day after this.

  
- You are through.
- What about the...

  
What about what?

  
- Frank.
- Who?

  
I don't know who you mean.

  
What are you... Who? I've never...

  
Okay, my opinion is that
you didn't make sense just now.

  
Well, I don't know
who you're talking about.

  
Can I have the bathroom key, please?
I'm having a bit of a...

  
- No, no, he'll run.
- That's him!

  
- Dentist, don't piss me off!
- Thank you.

  
He's not in the office!

  
Well, then he must be upstairs.

  
Good afternoon, Doctor.

  
Good to see you. You look smart.

  
Just been to the toilet.

  
Different route back, around the...

  
I mean, I finished earlier than I thought,
so I just took my time.

  
I mean, you can take a long time
next time if you...

  
Good. Okay.

  
That's set.

  
Okay, it has to be...

  
Good.

  
Can you take a new walk-in
before you leave, Dr. Pincus?

  
He seems to be in a lot of pain.

  
Life is pain.

  
Does that mean yes?

  
So we have an emergency
on our hands. I'm Dr. Pincus.

  
- Yes, we've met.
- Oh, hi.

  
- Thanks for seeing me.
- Yep.

  
What seems to be the problem?

  
I don't know.
I think I must have cracked a filling.

  
That was silly.

  
Head back.

  
Let's have a look, shall we? Open up.

  
Oh, yeah, there it is.

  
Well, you've got the bite of an Inuit.

  
Have you been chewing seal hide?

  
Yeah, well,
I tend to grind my teeth pretty hard

  
when I'm stressed and I'm...

  
I don't know.
Last night was a tough one.

  
- I came home and Gwen was...
- What?

  
- Gwen was...
- Oh, no, never mind.

  
No, you were gonna
say something about...

  
Well, she was just...

  
- No, forget about it.
- No, I can't forget about it.

  
- Just...
- Well, it's nothing.

  
- Can we just get this...
- Well, it is something

  
or you wouldn't have brought it up.
And, you know...

  
- It's personal.
- I know that,

  
but, I mean just to...

  
I'd rather not talk about it.

  
- Why don't we just...
- "Finish what you started" is my motto.

  
- I'm a good listener. Please.
- I'd rather not talk about it.

  
- Can we just...
- Well, can you wait a minute then?

  
- I'm in pain.
- Please.

  
Dr. Prashar?

  
Jahangir? That's his first name.

  
You're from a scary country, aren't you?

  
Excuse me.

  
- I'm from India.
- Yeah.

  
So you're not a Christian, like us.

  
No, I'm a Hindu.

  
How would you extract information
from a hostile?

  
Well, as a Hindu person,

  
I would ask them politely.

  
Yeah, I just need a technique.

  
- Doctor, I'm with a patient.
- Yeah. Okay.

  
So where were we?

  
You were telling me about Gwen.
Something...

  
- No, I wasn't. I meant my tooth, yeah.
- Tooth.

  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's do this professionally.

  
All work and no play makes Jack
a valuable member of society.

  
Open up.

  
- That hurts.
- Did it? Well, take your word for that.

  
But it almost certainly would
in this situation.

  
Do you know the worst thing
in the world for teeth?

  
- Sugar?
- Secrets.

  
If you tell me what's on your mind,
you will feel better.

  
As I said before, Doctor, it's private.

  
I really would like to keep this
on a professional footing.

  
Yes, please.

  
We can play it any way you want to.

  
Actually.

  
That's not Novocain.

  
No, it is a little dab of nitrous oxide.

  
Nitrous? I didn't know you guys
still used nitrous.

  
- Are there any side effects?
- A few.

  
Some people laugh.
Some people get sleepy.

  
But they all talk.

  
Hey, Frankie! Fancy seeing you here.

  
You back on the job yet
or you need me to send more?

  
I got a couple Civil War
re-enactors that'll talk your ear off.

  
- They used live ammo.
- Didn't get the news.

  
Job's done. Richard's history.

  
- What?
- She dumped him last night.

  
- How do you know?
- He told me. The marriage is off.

  
So he's out completely?

  
Well, he wants to stay friends,
but she's done with him.

  
She said she was confused
about her feelings

  
and it wasn't right
to string him along, so...

  
Why would Richard tell you all this?

  
Because I gave him
700 milliliters of nitrous oxide.

  
- Is that a lot?
- No. It's not fatal till 750.

  
You know, I think this sounds
a lot like a premarital spat.

  
- I mean, young couples at this stage...
- No. Definitely not.

  
- Very normal for them to start...
- No, no, no.

  
...to get into this...
- She's taken the job in Egypt.

  
She's going there for six months.

  
It's the real thing. She leaves Thursday,
right after the exhibition opens.

  
- Well, this is great news.
- Yeah.

  
Yeah, we should maybe go celebrate,
I guess.

  
- I can't.
- Me, neither.

  
- Well, wait! What's in the bag?
- Nothing.

  
Is that from a jewelry store?

  
- Oh, my gosh. Is that for Gwen?
- It doesn't matter.

  
Well, whatever happened
to the "I will not interfere" thing?

  
There's nothing to interfere with now,
is there?

  
The relationship's over!
She doesn't love him.

  
And you think she's gonna love you?

  
A smock-wearing tooth jockey?
I mean, I'm sorry.

  
You said that if I broke up the marriage,
you'd leave me alone!

  
I broke up the marriage!
Leave me alone!

  
Well, you should at least let me
help you pick out something!

  
Do you have any idea how much
"Please forgive me" jewelry

  
- I bought her over the years?
- I can take it from here!

  
She loves Peruvian gold, but, Pincus,

  
- you're rushing things, I'm telling you!
- Frank! Listen!

  
Our time together, as we both know,
has been rather unpleasant.

  
But I will say this.
Even though you're a vulgar man,

  
boorish, distasteful, uncouth,
uneducated, stupid, at least...

  
- You gonna finish?
- Done.

  
- Okay.
- The point is this,

  
we finished what you had to finish.
And who knows?

  
One day, not too soon I hope,
we meet up again.

  
- Until then, this is our fond farewell.
- Yeah, but...

  
But why am I still here?

  
Construction crane dropped
two tons of steel on us.

  
That must have hurt.

  
It was a hydraulic leak. An act of God!

  
Why does he do those things?

  
But the crane operator,
he thinks it's all his fault.

  
Oh, therapy time!

  
Don't panic. It's nothing.

  
A key chain.

  
I needed a key chain!

  
- I love it!
- Oh, good.

  
I can't believe you remembered.
That is just...

  
What a strange
and practical man you are.

  
It was down to that
or a set of socket wrenches.

  
Well, I hope you didn't spend too much.

  
$140. The receipt's in the box.

  
No, well, you don't actually
have to tell people in that situation.

  
No, no, no.
I'm just saying it was no big deal.

  
It's not like
it's Peruvian gold or anything.

  
And the reason I say that
is because there was a set of earrings

  
made from Peruvian gold in the shop,

  
and I thought, "Gwen would like those,

  
"but sorry,
a little bit out of my price range. "

  
So...

  
What? Stop giving me the pirate look.

  
I just got you a gift and, you know,
nothing ostentatious or pushy.

  
Just a little gesture to let you know
I've been thinking about you,

  
and I think you should accept it

  
in the spirit of friendship
with which it was given.

  
"Pirate look"? How could you
possibly know about that?

  
- I don't.
- You do.

  
- Common expression?
- No.

  
How do you know
about any of this stuff?

  
- Pirate look? Peruvian gold?
- Everyone knows about Peruvian gold.

  
And then the other night,
Frank's favorite drink?

  
Come on, take it easy.

  
- Don't tell me to take it easy.
- You hate that.

  
How do you know what I hate?

  
Lucky guess. Can we start again?

  
Why don't you just tell her?
Come on, spill it.

  
She's leaving anyway in a few days.

  
Gonna have to go with the truth,
Dentist, no choice.

  
You've got about 10 seconds
to start talking, buddy,

  
and then I'm out of here.

  
How do you know
this stuff from my life with Frank?

  
- It'll sound crazy.
- Try her.

  
Try me.

  
A couple of weeks ago, I went into
hospital for a routine operation,

  
but there was complications.
And I died. Just for a few minutes...

  
It's true! I can prove it!
He's here, right now, with us.

  
You know what? Just stop.
What you're doing, it's cruel.

  
How else would I know
all the things I know?

  
Well, you must have known Frank.

  
I don't know,
maybe you were his dentist.

  
Ask me something else, then.
Something that I couldn't possibly know.

  
- How do you get like you?
- Please.

  
One question, and if I get it wrong,
you'll never see me again.

  
Frank used to have this nightmare
over and over.

  
He'd wake up in tears and he never told
anybody else about it, but me.

  
What was it?

  
Drowning.

  
I'd dream that I dove into the water,
and I went down deep,

  
but when I turned around
to make it back to the top,

  
I couldn't, no matter how hard I swam.

  
Drowning. He dived into the water,

  
and it didn't matter how hard he tried
to get back to the surface, he couldn't.

  
That's right, isn't it?

  
Not even close.

  
No!

  
You know the first time I met you?

  
And then the next 10 or 12 times
after that, I thought, "What a jerk. "

  
But then I got to know you
a little bit, right?

  
And I convinced myself
that I saw something human in you.

  
You know,
"Maybe he's just a little eccentric,

  
"needs a little work. "

  
But to use intimate details
about my dead husband

  
in order to get close to me,
or for God knows what other reason,

  
that's unforgivable.

  
You're sick.

  
- I love you.
- Don't call me!

  
You lied. Why would you do that?

  
Because you're
a heartless son of a bitch

  
who doesn't give a rat's ass
about anyone but himself.

  
She's already had one of those.

  
See you around, Dentist.

  
- What?
- It's my daughter.

  
Yeah, you mentioned
something about that.

  
She won't speak to her sister,
her only sister.

  
She's so angry about the necklace I left,

  
but I slipped a letter under her door
the day before I died.

  
It explained everything.

  
But there was carpeting in the entryway.

  
I didn't know
the letter went under the carpet.

  
She never got it.

  
My God, you're boring, aren't you?

  
My little boy has a stuffed animal,
a squirrel.

  
It was his favorite.
He took it everywhere.

  
Couldn't get to sleep without it.
But he lost it on the day I died.

  
They don't know it's just
under the front seat of the car.

  
It's right there, they just can't see it.

  
So now, he cries himself to sleep
without it every night,

  
because to him that toy is me.

  
I can't help you.

  
You mean you won't help us.

  
Isn't that the truth?

  
Yeah, I'll tell you
what else is true, shall I?

  
We live alone and then we die alone.

  
And, apparently, we stay alone.

  
That's the truth, too, isn't it?

  
- You idiot!
- I'm sorry!

  
Unbelievable! Come on.

  
- Hello.
- What a day.

  
Yeah, well, it appears that
winter is upon us.

  
- Hail.
- What?

  
It doesn't even have
the decency to snow.

  
Is there any more stupid form
of precipitation than hail?

  
- No, I suppose that is the stupidest.
- Jahangir?

  
- Yeah.
- We're friends.

  
- Well...
- Associates.

  
- Yeah.
- We have things in common.

  
- Yeah.
- We share stuff and...

  
Panoramic X-ray machine, for example.

  
- Yeah.
- We're close.

  
- No, I wouldn't say that.
- Not close, but... What the...

  
Well, that's not the point, is it?

  
Listen.

  
I met a woman.

  
The kind of a woman that

  
makes you want to go back in time
to before you met her.

  
Whatever the hell life was like then,
it's not as bad as the hell now.

  
Knowing she's out there
and you can't have her.

  
What I'm trying to say is

  
could you write me
a prescription for Percocet?

  
What?

  
Well, I can't prescribe myself, can I?

  
Legally. It's for my sleep
and to pretend she never happened.

  
Or Darvon.

  
Or Vicodin.

  
Just like a 30 count, or 60,
if you don't want

  
me to keep bothering you.
And I'll be out of your hair.

  
I'm not even gonna ask for morphine.

  
Come with me.

  
- What are we doing?
- Just sit down.

  
- No.
- Sit down.

  
- Why?
- Just sit down.

  
- Oh, look, never mind.
- This is important. Look.

  
- Brilliant.
- The other one.

  
Yep. As mass-produced poster
slogans go, that's good.

  
Dr. Pincus, at some point in your life,
you're gonna have to stop,

  
and ask yourself the ultimate question.

  
"This business of

  
"being such a fucking prick,

  
"what is it really getting me?"

  
You said something about a letter.

  
You should try it on.

  
Mom! Look what I found!

  
What? Where'd you find this?
Where did it come from?

  
It fell out of his backpack.

  
Thank you.

  
Dr. Pincus?

  
Hi. Sorry, I didn't...

  
Thank you. Thank you so much!

  
I never realized.

  
Thanks.

  
...many insights into the life
and death of King Pepi.

  
Thank you. Thank you very much.

  
Thank you very much. Thank you.

  
Gwen!

  
What are you doing here?

  
I've got to talk to
you. I've figured it out.

  
Please leave me alone.

  
It's all rubbish.
What they tell us in ghost stories,

  
I think they've got it completely wrong.

  
Ghost stories.
Could you not do this here tonight?

  
Look at Pepi. Okay, they buried him with
everything a dead guy doesn't need.

  
Household pets, money.

  
They even put his penis in a big jar.
Why would they do that?

  
But you saw that penis.
It wouldn't have fit in a little jar.

  
No, not why did they put it in a big...

  
Why'd they put it in a jar at all? Why?

  
What?

  
Why would they go to all that trouble for
someone they'll never see again?

  
Because they love him

  
and they want to make sure
he'll be okay.

  
Because if they know he's okay...

  
- Yes, they can let him go.
- You were fabulous.

  
Thank you. That's very sweet of you.
Appreciate it.

  
Exactly. They can let him go.

  
Frank's haunting you, Gwen. Let him go.

  
If he's haunting me,
then shouldn't he let me go?

  
No. He can't. It's not him. It's you.

  
All this stuff about ghosts
having unfinished business,

  
it's us that are unfinished.

  
Let Frank go.

  
Let the pervert decay in peace.

  
Please, stop following me.

  
- It was wonderful! Thank you so much.
- Yes, it's nice to see you both.

  
That came out all wrong.

  
I don't care how you knew
all that stuff about Frank, okay?

  
- I don't care.
- I told you, I'm trying to...

  
Maybe you guys were
a couple of buddies.

  
- How about that?
- No, no, no, no, no...

  
Two regular guys while he was alive,

  
and you went out drinking
and went to strip clubs

  
- and talked about your girlfriends...
- Oh, my God.

  
...and laughed at your wives...

  
- I swear.
- What was the matter with me?

  
Why didn't he love me?

  
I did love you. I still do.

  
He did love you.

  
Then why wasn't I enough?

  
You've got nothing to say to that,
have you?

  
- What?
- Useless.

  
Please. What do you think
I'm gonna do, change?

  
- Well...
- In all your life,

  
have you ever actually known anybody
who's changed at all, ever?

  
Why can't you make an effort,
just for a few seconds?

  
I am who I am.

  
I suppose you're talking
to him right now?

  
- Is that what you want me to believe?
- What do you want to tell him?

  
- What do you want to say?
- I want an answer!

  
I want to know
why I wasn't enough for him.

  
It wasn't you that wasn't enough.

  
I don't know why I did the shit that I did.

  
And he doesn't know
why he did the things he did.

  
And you don't get any smarter
just because you're dead.

  
You don't get smarter after you die.

  
But I did see one thing,
how much I hurt you.

  
But he's seen
how much he hurt you. And...

  
I'm so sorry, honey.

  
- What? What'd he say?
- He said he's sorry.

  
That's it?

  
He's sorry?

  
Well, it was the way he said it, it was...

  
He's sorry. He's sorry.

  
- Heartfelt.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Heartfelt.

  
Good guess. I got to go pack.

  
No, you should have heard it!
I'm really not doing it justice!

  
Gwen! Wait!

  
Why should I talk to you?

  
You couldn't even get his dream right!

  
No, because he told me the wrong
dream to try to make me look bad.

  
He stitched me up.

  
Then what's the right one?

  
Well, he's not here right now, is he?

  
- I can't check with him.
- Oh, that's convenient.

  
No, it's not convenient.
It's really inconvenient.

  
Listen, I'm not a liar, okay?

  
I've been a lot of things.
I've been cold, selfish, self-centered.

  
I'm not a liar and I'm not lying now.

  
Gwen, I've lived more
in the last few days

  
that I've spent with you, since I died,
than I ever lived before I died,

  
back when I was living, the first time.
Right? Do you know what I mean?

  
Nope.

  
Right. I'm born and then...

  
Someone call an ambulance!

  
Try to get help!

  
Somebody do something!

  
Oh, my God.

  
Now that is a real shame.

  
You were really getting
somewhere with her, too.

  
- What's happening?
- You ate it, pal.

  
Goddamned MTA strikes again.

  
These drivers, I mean,
it's a menace, right?

  
No! No, I'm not dead!

  
Yeah, I'm afraid so.

  
I'm sorry, kiddo.

  
Come here, you. Kind of nice.

  
- Feels good.
- I was just getting started!

  
Everything else, every minute up till now
has just been a waste of time!

  
Just a warm-up!

  
Yeah.

  
- This is the worst part.
- Somebody do...

  
- Watching her cry.
- Do something!

  
Knowing she needs somebody to
comfort her and knowing it can't be you.

  
Has anyone called 911?

  
- Wait a minute.
- You got to be kidding me.

  
Well, call them!

  
- Wait a minute.
- Space! Give me space!

  
He's doing CPR. He knows CPR.
Of course! He knows CPR.

  
Give him space, he needs space.

  
He's probably gonna
cut open your chest

  
and massage your heart back
to life with his bare hands.

  
Oh, Lord! Spare this man!

  
Okay, I really can't take
this guy anymore.

  
Honestly, really, I can't.

  
Come on!

  
Hey, Pincus, there's something
I should tell you.

  
It might come in handy
if you make it back.

  
You're gonna help me? Why?

  
Those tears she's crying,

  
those are for you, now.

  
Listen up.

  
I think my ride's here.

  
Dr. Pincus, always good to see you.

  
What happened?

  
You crossed the street when it said,
"Don't walk. "

  
Not much of a lawsuit, I'm afraid.

  
Gwen.

  
Was there a woman here?

  
It's possible, but if she was unable
to provide proof of kinship,

  
security would have escorted her
off the premises.

  
Nice work, guys.

  
- You went darker.
- I went darker, yes.

  
Looks good. Makes your eyes pop.

  
Okay, Mr. Goldman, six months.

  
Remember, only floss
the ones you wanna keep.

  
Hi.

  
I didn't know you were back.

  
- Hi.
- Hi.

  
I thought you were in Egypt.

  
I felt like sticking around. You're okay?

  
Yeah. Under the circumstances.

  
You know, I tried visiting you
at the hospital, but they wouldn't...

  
Yeah, they run a tight ship over there

  
at Cooperative Institutional
Health Bastards.

  
You okay?

  
I have bad molar contact.

  
Sit down.
I was wondering if you had that seen to.

  
I'm not. I actually made
the appointment with Dr. Prashar.

  
- Oh, no, of course. No... He's...
- Well, I didn't know...

  
He's a lovely man.

  
And he's a better dentist than me,
but don't tell him I said so.

  
Anyway, I'm glad to see
you're looking well.

  
And you.

  
He's eight years old.

  
- Sorry? What?
- Frank.

  
In his dream. The real one.

  
And he's walking in the woods
with his dad.

  
He's holding hands,
but then suddenly, his dad's not there.

  
He tries to find his way back
the way he came,

  
but he keeps ending up
back where he started,

  
and that's his nightmare.

  
That he's lost
and he can't find his way home.

  
That's it.

  
Do you still see him?

  
He found his way home.

  
That's good.

  
It hurts when I smile.

  
I can fix that for you.


Special thanks to SergeiK.